Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #515: Cat Bistros and Charming Homes in Tampa

Episode Date: July 25, 2025

A New York transplant wants a small, dark, old home in Tampa.  Will she find it?  And will her sister help?  Maybe.  We’re recapping House Hunters (Vol. 10), Season 231 Episode 6: Cat Bistros and Charming Homes in TampaFind bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And welcome to Dwell. Hello, a watch for Crappins, House Hunters podcast. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. Thanks so much for coming over here to Wondry Plus to listen to yet another recap of one of these hilarious shows. Today we are recapping House Hunters International, Volume 10, Season 231, Episode 6. But the real thing you need to know is it's called Cap Bistros and Charming Homes in Tampa. And this you can find on HBO Max. So Ronnie, you were the one who found this episode. You hand-selected it, and I'm so glad he did because it was amazing. Great work here. Yeah, you know, sometimes it's hard to find these. We usually go by your old suggestions, but since HBO turned in HBO Max and HBO Max and it's HBO Max and there have been so many changes and they keep taking episodes that you guys are suggesting off.

So this time we dug in ourselves. And I mean, what can I say? It just looked for a really stupid title. And it paid off because this episode was a lot. amazing cat bistros. I mean, how can you not recap an episode that starts with cat bistros?

Yeah. And the cat bistros was actually like not really even part of the show. Now that I think about it, like there wasn't like a big cat presence. And Betty thinks about dogs a lot. So, yeah,

bistros aren't the important part. But when cat, when you know that it's going to be for the owner of a cat bistro, you know that this is not going to be for a stable person. And you need to see what's going on. You know, you have to investigate. You know, there will be, there's going to be big hair.

So we open up with Linda saying, Kim left her corporate job to open up a catbee show in Tampa, to which her former co-worker said, thank God, and is ready to buy a house. She's looking for a homie bungalow with historic charm, but with a new business, she doesn't want to spend a lot, especially on hair conditioner. And then we see Unconditioned Kim with her eyes wide, and she's one of those people who talks with her eyes really wide and her forehead creased so that she looks like she's thinking deeply, but she never really is. And she's like, yeah, you know, look, it's me, looking for houses. And she's also looking with her cousin Fred and her agent, her sister, Ilka, giving her advice, wanted or not. She'll have a lot to sort through. Including boxes of kitty

litter. So now we get into the show properly. So we're in Tamifery. So we're in Tamif. And we see the cat cafe, which I guess is called feline. It's a little on the nose. That's like club, club all over again. So we see Kim and she's arranging tables and Ilka's with her. And they're like, hi, hi, how are you? Hi. They have like my New York heart started to like sing

because they have such like clipped New York accents. It was just great already to listen to them. Yeah. And they're both, you know, like older New York chicks. chicks, you know, bitching at each other the whole episode. So it was great. So Kim's like, yeah, I'm originally from New York. I've been to Tampa, you know, for goodness, over 20 years.

And I came down a few years after my sister. You know, I recently started my own business, a cat cafe, love it, love animals, love people, love food, hate the health department. Okay, those guys can suck a dick. But, you know, cats are great. They do run. You know, you have to tell people, close the door. You know, I really should invest in one of those doors that close themselves. But, you know, cats are fast.

Cats are known for being fast. You can't really trust a cat. You know, they'll eat your face when you die. It's true. So I'll tell you who's not fast. Ilka, very slow, my sister. I love it to death. Very slow.

Look, now we're going to go arrange some tables and chairs. Elka, you can help me arrange some tables and chairs. Come on. You know what? I don't like where these chairs are. How about we move the chairs over here? Kimmy. Kimmy.

Why we rearrange in chairs? Why? Well, I got to make sure it's perfectly aligned. Cats like precision. You know what? It looks fine the way it was. Like, it was fine. It did not look fine.

It's not aligned. minutes of table. Do you want to be on this house hunters episode or not? Okay, I want the chairs aligned. I do. I do. I do. I'm grateful. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. That's, I'm great. You know what? Sometimes I think the Elka forgets that I'm an adult. You know, because she's nine years older. She kind of thinks she has to always give me your opinion and advice. She never shut the fuck up. Okay. That's, shut your mouth, Elka. Okay. That's, shut your mouth, Elka. Okay. That's, that could have been a second name because that's what my mom was always saying growing up.

Shut your mouth, Elka. We're in shirt. Shut your mouth, shut your mouth, a word of a bus stop. Shut your mouth, Elka, it's all I ever heard. You know what, Kimmy? You took my opinion, which was always open. You know what, Kimmy, you took my opinion with this brick wall. Okay, don't forget, this brick wall over here. This was an Elka special.

It does look good. Look at the brick wall. It was an extra special. You got to trust me. I understand things with Belka did that. You know what? Sometimes Elka opens her mouth and bricks come out. And look what they created, a faux brick wall.

Very good. Very good. Yeah. I said, I said, Kimmy, you know what this brick wall needs? Two frame mirrors. And what did you do? What did you do? You put up two frame mirrors?

And guess what? Guess what? People walk in here and they say, love the mirrors. That was me. That was Ilka. I have something to contribute to society. Okay?

Uncle's like, yeah, I put up a brick wall because you know what talking to Kim is like? Talking to a brick wall. So I said, you might as well put up a brick wall. She did it. And it turned out to be fantastic.

Kim is, so she says, I'm happily divorced. I do have a 19 year old son. He's in school somewhat. He's actually a performer. He's a juggler. So sometimes he goes down to the main street in Tampa

and just juggles things. around. I said, why you're juggling? I got to fix, put up some mirrors on the brick wall that your aunt made me put up. So he's mostly flown the coop by now. So this is apropos of nothing, but did you know that there's like a whole group of kids now that just a whole segment of the population of children, I guess I should say, that are something now called unschooled. Have you ever heard that term? My sister is a teacher. So and she teaches a lot of homeschooled kids. Yes, there's actually, That's actually a thing now where people are unschooled. I was like, well, what is that?

Is that like homeschooled? And she goes, no, it's just where people decide that they're going to let their kids learn on their own. And so they don't go to a school. And I said, so they have homeschooling, right? She goes, no, they're just, they don't, they work. Like, what the fuck, bro? Like, how is that even happening? Aren't we stupid and us in this country?

Oh, my God. It doesn't work. That does not work. I'm telling you that right now. It does not work. It doesn't work. No kids just going to be like, oh, you know what I feel like learning today algebra just because it also means that people are just

going to learn really select they're going to cherry pick what they learn and they're not going to have proper context for anything that's such a terrible idea if anyone here is unschooling their children you should maybe school yourself on on some things because that's yeah stop like you owe your you owe you owe everybody around you when you have a child not to come out with a fucking moron okay make an effort unschooling your children come on man unschooling is ridiculous unschooling is just lazy parenting. That's a parent that doesn't want to deal with like the hassles of education and like dealing with your kid's homework, making sure your kid goes to school, doesn't worry about having a kid that gets thrown out of school. So they just don't send them to school in the first place.

And then the people who have to deal with it are the rest of us who deal with your moron child for the rest of the lives while they, while they terrorize society. Oh my God. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, I'm glad we got that in there on the Scabistro recap. So the reason is because now I'm worried for this kid because she's like, yeah, I have a kid. You know, he's in school somewhat. Of course he's 19.

So maybe he wasn't unschooled. Yeah. Yeah. So then we see Nathaniel, Nathaniel, my son. And then we see pictures of her with the cats and dogs and stuff like that. And then she says that she's like going to rental, but like it doesn't, you know, why am I going to keep giving money away? What am I doing this? And you know, I had a divorce.

I got a divorce. I gave so much money to the divorce. Why don't want to give money to a rental? I want to own something. You know, I'm not like Ilka who's just happy with her curly hair and some sort of rental down there in downtown Tampa next to a Chipotle. I want to actually make something in my life. Yeah.

What am I wasting my life for somebody else? Why am I giving them all my money? Because it's where you live. Like, you have to pay for where you live. It's kind of standard. It's kind of standard. Well, guess what everyone. My real estate agent is actually my cousin.

Excuse me. He's our cousin. He's our cousin. Not just as Kim. All right. Okay. We both got a cousin. He's our cousin. He likes me more, though. That's why he's my cousin. He actually doesn't have

Keithilca. He doesn't kill the Cathilca. He doesn't like the brick wall. He said, I don't know if I could be cousins with someone who puts up this brick wall in the middle of your beautiful cat cafe. So you know what? You know what? I wouldn't teach him how to make out before prom. And, you know, he's never dropped it. Fred. I mean, my God. He is like a brother to Kim. Okay, but I'm not going to be your kissing cousin. I told him. Sorry. Sorry. Get in line, mister. Okay. So then we meet Fred Kinonez, cousin, real estate agent. He's like, oh, hi, it's me, Fred. Hello, Ilka.

I'm not making out with you, Fred. Okay. Okay, Fred, this is what I'm talking about for what I want in a house, okay? I can't go above $300,000, but it shouldn't be a problem because if I could wave a magic wand, I would get my sister out of here. Let's be honest, I'd send her off to Idaho or something like that, but I can't. But if I could wave with my magic wand, it would be like a 1920s bungalow. You know, is that what it's called? A bungalow.

You know, and I like things that have a story, okay? I like things that have character. Unlike Ilka and her dresses, something that's what you want to look at. I want it to have an intimate feel. That's what I want. I want an intimate feel, like sexual, not sexual, Ilka. Why are you always taking everything to that? That's what intimate means.

You get intimate with somebody, you get sexual with it. Maybe I will. maybe I won't. It's my house, okay? But I want it tiny. I want a little, tiny, huge house. I want a tiny house that I can spread out in. Does that make sense? I want it cozy, but I want it craftsman, but I want it modern, but I want it old. Does that make sense, Fred? Here's what I want, Fred. I want it to be old. I want it to be small. I want the appliances to not work, and I don't want lighting. I want to make sure it's dark. I want to make sure there's fire hazards. I want to make sure it's not up to code.

And I want to make sure there's a small yard, not a big yard. Can you find that? You're like, so what do you want? Two bedrooms? Three bedrooms. You know what? I would say three is too much, Fred. Okay?

Like, I definitely want two with one bath. I only want one bathroom. That's all I want. I don't want any, I want everybody to have to come into my bathroom to poop. Ideally, if that bathroom is located in the most intimate, intimate again, part of the house, that's what I. want. If you could actually have it that you have to go through my bedroom and then through my closet and then you get to the bathroom, that would be perfect. And the other than it's like, well,

you know, having two bathrooms would be incredibly important to have privacy. No, you know what? You know what? I don't want that. And you know what else I don't want? Natural light. I hate natural light. Okay. As odd as that may sound, I like something that's not well lit because I like, I'm a vampire. I like dark spaces. Fenced in yards for the pets, no coppiting. I want something just stone and dark. Do you have a coffin? Is there a coffin with running water? She's actually the perfect candidate for house hunters because she's like every place that always people are disgusted by her. That's like exactly what she wants on her thing. She's like, I don't want coppidding. I also don't want hardwood floors. You could I want just disgusting old

grass that has dyed and maybe some broken glass too. Could it be in the worst name? neighborhood in town. I just want it to be in a terrible neighborhood. I don't want any stores around me. I only want, you know, kind of people without homes surrounding me. Is that possible? Is there any way that you can find a place where there's someone pooping on the sidewalk outside? Can you put this on a very major streets with a lot of traffic and far away from work? I do not want to be near the center of town. Please. Please. The less space for my car, the better. So Fred's like, all right, look, we've got some very specific things you're looking for. But for that price point, you're not going to get everything you're looking for.

Okay, you're going to get a stick of gum for that price. So I've seen, I've got, I've got homes. I've selected, Ilka, are you going to come? You're going to be available, Ilka? You want to, you know, you want to help me out here? I don't know. I think I got something in my teeth. Maybe you can inspect it with your tongue.

I'm not short. I'm not short, I'm not short, Fred. What do you think? You know what? I would say that Elka can come to some, but she can't come. at all, okay? Because I really need to have some spacing the houses without her opinions in my ear like this, chattering in my ear. She's like one of those little things you wind up. They're like little teeth. You wind them up. You put them on a desk. They're clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack,

clack, clack, clack, clack, it's Ilka. Okay, I don't need it. Brick wall, brick wall, brick wall, brick wall, brick wall, brick wall, book, okay. She puts it look. How does it look? It looks good, I'm not going to lie. It looks good. So then, uh, now it's time to go to house number one. And so Kim and Elka are driving. She's, okay, you know what, Elka, I just want to, I just want to, I just want to let you know something. I didn't tell Fred you were coming. I was like, why not? You know what? Because you annoyed me at lunch and I wasn't going to bring you. I'm not going to lie. I was like, she's going to try to make out with her cousin again. I don't want this happening on camera. But I thought, you know what? You're my sister. You need some excitement in your life. Maybe the cameraman might

like you. I don't know. It'll get you out of my hair. I thought, I don't know. I'll do a good deed. See you here. Oh, well, good Lord. I guess I'm lucky I made it. I'm lucky I made the cut. Am I right? By the way, you could use one. I'm just saying. Come on. Come on. Just get out of the car.

All right. Well, first up, a well-priced home that's just 25 minutes from Kim's cat piss smelling business. So I'll have a short commute. So they pull up and she's like, oh, my God. So it's a bungalow with a slanted roof to one side and a red door and shutters and a white picket fence. Ilka's like, it's a shoebox, quiet. You're lucky you should even be here. You're so lucky to even see a.

shoebox. So some people never get to see a shoebox their life. Quiet, sister. Okay, but you know what? I wanted it small and it's 800 square feet. And that's small, right? That's small. So that's what I asked for. So Fred comes up and you know, because like Fred, there's no driveway. I mean, quite a few of the other homes have a driveway. I'm looking around. So why isn't this? Is this home being bullied, Fred? Like, why was this, why was this home not given a driveway when all the other homes were given a driveway? It seems a little bit unfair, Fred. Yeah, it is a bit of a problem. I'm not going to lie. You know, I would like a driveway, so that way when Ilka comes over in her 1974 Toyota Camry, that embarrasses everyone in the family,

she has some place to park it. But otherwise, I love this. I love this exterior. It's beautiful. You know, the picket fence. And you know what I like? I like that it has a fence. It's got a fence. Ilka, you're right. It has a fence. I love the picket fence, but Ilka's very in the fences. You know, I love fences as well. The picket fence, so cute. It gives it so much character. It says, don't come in me unless the door swings open, in which case you can come into me. You know what I mean? You know, these picket fences,

it reminds me, Fred. Remember when we were children, and Ilka was always writing letters to be part of the Five-ish Finkel fan club? She just loved Picket Fences. Oh, I love Five-ish. I love... Now, if Five-ish tried to ask me

to teach it how to make out before prom, I would have done it. I mean, Five-ish. What a man. What a man, what a man, what a man. What a man. five-ish man. So she's like, oh, and the colors, the colors, Ilka, look at the colors of the house.

They're gray and red. I mean, this is crazy. They make the house pop. They make the house pop. So they enter and they are looking at the living. It's as big as my desk with the living room. It is so small. How do you even call this a living room?

You couldn't even fit a table into this room. It's like a hallway. It's a hallway. It's so small. And any other person on house hunters would be like, oh, my God. I mean, this is ridiculous. This is almost why are you even showing me this? And Kim's like, well, look at this.

You know, I envision this as a living space. We could put a love seat here and then we can stack the coffee table on top of that. And then a chair on top of that. That way you technically have all your living room furniture and it fits into this tiny alcove. Where are you going to put your drink? Okay, you know what? We keep the drink in the hallway. If I need it, I get up and I go get the drink.

Like, who cares? It's just, well, what do you have to be more solution oriented. I don't know what this is the problem. This is why you're not getting ahead in life. So what are you talking about for TV then? She goes, I won't have a TV. I'm Kim. Like, why would I need a TV? A TV's not intimate. A TV's not cozy. All right, well, I'm thinking your head. One day, you trick somebody into dating you and you decide to bring him here and what? No TV? What are you going to do? Talk to him? I mean, come on. Have you heard yourself talk? Well, we can, you know what? We'll watch TV at his place. I really don't know why you're being so anti right now, Ilka. You're so lucky that you came along here.

Even after you had onion rings and his breath smells like, honestly quite, quite disgusting. I mean, Fred's right here. Okay. You know what? That's there. So Fred is like, well, this house was built in 1924. So finding a house in the 20s, you know, listen, that's hard enough in this price point. But the value of the houses, they're a bit above this.

So this is definitely great for 300. And I'm interested to see what she thinks about the house. Let's find out. Have you seen how Ilka's butt moves the way she walks? Look at her walk. Look at a walk. Stay back here, camera crew. Just watch Ilka walk into this house.

Look at the way her left butt cheek scrapes against that wall, while her right butt cheek scrapes against the window, too. Very narrow, narrow hallway. This is dark. This is a dark place. It comes like the lighting. I really like the lighting. It's like Elka's like it's a little dark.

I like dark, Ilka. That's what we're here for. I like dark. Elka, do you want to be on this show or not? Okay, if I say I like something, you're supposed to say, I'm proud of you. Not say it's too dark for me.

You're not living here, Ilka. You never will. Hey, ladies, ladies, maybe she likes it dark because it makes her feel safe. You know what, Fred? Maybe that is why I like it. Maybe I feel safe in here, Elka, okay? Well, it makes me feel a little depressed. I don't know.

I don't know, Kimmy. I'm a little depressed in here. I'm not going to lie. It's make me sad. What doesn't make you feel depressed? Okay, you are depressed. You're a depressed, Ilka. Okay, don't blame the house for your own shortcomings.

I'll tell you what doesn't make me feel depressed. Kathy in the comics a hilarious. It's just brings so much She loves Kathy. I do love Kathy. I love her. I love her. I mean chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Well, what else could you want? Oh gosh, she loves her. You know that game

where you say like pick three celebrities if you could have dinner with? Ilka picks Kathy, Kathy and Kathy every single time. I would love to. More Kathy the Maria. I mean, could you imagine bringing Kathy into this dark house? She would hate it. I'd be embarrassed. I'd be mortified.

Kathy from the cartoons? Yeah, she's hot. Yeah, Kathy's pretty fun. Yeah, I read her every Sunday. Not going to lie, she has a sick body. She has a sick body. I dream of having a body someday. But you know what?

Fred, enough. So they look at the flooring. They're like, very nice, very nice flooring. Very nice. And they go into, he's like, well, this could be a bedroom. And Ilko's like, is it not a bedroom? Because it doesn't have a closet. And he goes, that's right.

She says, I thought so. Yeah, I thought so. Just want to score. But that's one point for Ilka. Just want to say, I got a point. Ilka's like, well, we could also knock down this wall so then you have a bigger living room. You know, if you want to go. No, no, no, no, no.

We're not going to do that. I can afford that. I can afford that. Look, I need to look at the house as it is, Ilka. Okay. We're not, we're not falling in love with our home potential. We're falling in love with the current home, Ilka. Okay.

This one, this one, she begs to come on the show. She begs to come on the show. And the first thing she does, she embarrasses me by saying, let's knock down a wall. We're not going to disrespect the architect's vision. the architect's vision for this house, Ilka, with your whims and your fantasies. It's not going to happen. You know what? You're not coming to the next house.

I'm saying it right now. You know what, Fred? I tell Ilka, the reason she's the type of person to write people on death row love letters is because she's always falling in love with potential and not what's there. I say you're not writing a letter to someone who could be a good man when he gets out, okay?

You're writing a letter to somebody who's on death row, Ilka. Do you want to stand? She can't make up in mind. One moment she'd say, put up a brick wall. Put up a brick wall on your cafe. And now she comes here and she's take down the wall. What do you want, Elka? This is why you can't find love.

People can change. Listen, I'm just saying. People can change. You know what? You're right. When she's right, she's right. Thank you. So they go outside and Ilka's, you know, behind her.

She's like, she wants my opinion, but then, you know, she gets a little mift. I mean, that's just how it is. Okay, this back. Okay, let's look into, okay, let's go into another bedroom. Well, you know what? Honestly, Fred, it's small. This is a small bedroom, knowing would ever be able to. to really, really relax in here.

I love it. I love it. Well, remember, remember when you said you want a smaller and tighter, so that's what we have here. We got smaller and tighter. That's what you asked for. Just, you know what? Yeah, you know what, Fred. You're right.

You're right. That is what I asked for. Man, we're going to see other places. So ultimately, this doesn't have to be the end or be all. Am I right? It doesn't have to be the end or be all. Right, Ilka? Oh, I can talk now?

Oh, that's great. So am I going to get to see the other homes? Or is it just this? Am I only, do I only see this? She's like, you know, I don't know, probably not. I don't know. This is probably a few, I'm honestly, I'm still pretty pissed about that wall comment. I really don't like how you disrespected.

Cousin Fred's hard work here finding this house and the architect. It's just not appropriate, Ilka. You know what I'd like you to do? I'd like you to go back to the school where you're a substitute each because this is just not the right. Listen, listen, let me solve the fight, ladies, okay? I like a woman with a mouthy, with a mouth on her. All right. I like a mouthy broad.

You know what? I'm your cousin, Fred. Just stop. Just stop, Fred. It's not going to work. Hey, listen. Don't let hope die. You know what?

You know what, cousin Fred? If Kimmy's not going to let me come to another house, then let's get that. Let's just say it how it really is. Look, I can reach the other. I can reach from one hand to the other. I can reach one wall to the other. I just want to say that that's how small this house is. Fine.

I'm saying it all. I'm being honest right now. I'm being the sister who's being honest. What are you, Jerry Steinman? You're very funny. Very funny, Ilka. All right. Very, very Jerry Steinfeld. You are hilarious, elk. This says less about how small the houses and how long her arms are. I've always got long arms.

Got to hide them. So they check out the primary bedroom. And Kim's like, well, you know what? I mean, this is smaller than what I'm in now. You know, I could barely even fit my head in here. Yeah, you can barely fit your head in anywhere since it grew so much after you got a cat business. I mean, geez, you'd think the woman owned the Mall of America the way she acts. You know, she puts up one brick wall. Now she thinks she can come. comment than anything, you know. All right. Well, this room is, this bedroom is way too small. Love it. Okay, let's go into the kitchen. Oh, God, look at this. Look at this kitchen. Not a single window in sight. It's dark. Everything is old. It's small. I can't cook in anything.

It's a, honestly, what I call this? It's a dream. It's a mitzvah. I love it. It's perfect. It's perfect. Okay, you know what? And, Ilka, why are you giving that look? Well, I mean, what are you going to do? What if you want to have a holiday. Oh, you know, if we're going to have a holiday, you do the cooking. I'm not doing that cooking. We can do it at your house. Like, what, what are we doing Thanksgiving at my house? No, I'm not going to do that. No one's coming over here. No one's coming over here. We're not doing Thanksgiving. We're not doing holidays. We're not doing Aubur Day. Okay. No one's coming in here. And Fred's like, well, what about the floors? Can we at least talk about the floors? Yeah, well, you know, I'm noticing that the kitchen floor tiling is different than the, than the lightwood floors

elsewhere and I don't know two different types of floors in a single house seems kind of crazy seems a little wild seems a little loud like uh ilka's tops that she gets from ross it's perfect i love it i love it i love it actually okay yelko what do you think about the floors well actually short short tempered mean uh your bra's too tight no not the floors the floors i just said okay you want more uh you need to shave your mouth and uh you smell like old cheese. Not the floors. The floors. Floors. I don't know what she wants from me. You see, she asked me to talk, and then I talk, and then she gets upset. So I'm just not going to talk anymore. Well, guess what? Here's something to match my sister's mouth. A potty. Okay. There's a party off the side of the

kitchen. So at any time we're having a party. Oh, great. Now you're going to have a party. Okay. I see. Well, good. By the way, make sure you wash your hands when you go out of the bathroom because it's attached to the kitchen. and you don't want to get any germs because the health department's going to come and get your pots and pans just the way they did at the cat cafe. She's like, I love it. It's tiny, it's right off the kitchen.

Perfect. I love it. Okay, you know what? And the Loka goes, you know what? I just noticed in this kitchen and bathroom that are both one thing. There's not even a window.

It's very dark. Like, there needs to be a window. Love it. Love it. You know windows? Love it. What if there's a fire? You'll die in the fire.

Love it. What part of me putting my hands up by my head and closing my palms very quickly and saying love it do you not understand love it I love it and I love Fred because Fred goes to each their own am I right? Oh God

it's not even a window He's like you want someone pooping while you're trying to cook a Pop-Tart in the dark you know what if that's your thing that's your thing I love you cousin Listen cousin Fred Please tell my sister Kim There's exposed wires everywhere this is a health hasn't

Love it love it Love it. End of discussion. I'd pay extra for that. Fred, she's not coming to the next house. I'm just telling you that right now. She's not coming. So they go to like a kind of shit, dry, weedy, gross backyard. And she's like, love it.

The dogs are going to love this. They're going to love this. It's fenced in. It's fenced in and it's fenced in. That's all. You know what I love? Chain link fence? My favorite type of fence.

I don't need picket. I don't need picket. I don't need pick it. This is beautiful. It's chic. It's intimate. Love it. Love it. Love it. So they go over the pros and cons.

Kim's like, I really like the lighting, the lack of space, the lack of light, the lack of taste, the yard, the weeds. Love the weeds. There's no carpeting, you know. And Ilka's like, yeah, you know, that bathroom's a concern. You know, there's no garage, just no driver. You know what, Ilka has a point sometimes. Ilka, squaw one for you. That was for you, Ilka. But you know what? Having a bathroom off of the kitchen, if you have to go number two, you can cover up the smell with mariner on the stove top. It all works out pretty well. So now we go to Fred's car and now it's just Fred and Kim.

Ilka has been dumped. Ilka really did get dumped. When she said you don't want you're not coming on the next one. I was like, okay, funny. I was like, oh, she really dropped Ilka from the show. Ilka disappears until the end. There's no more Ilka. I didn't do that.

I fucking loved Ilka. And I have to say, Ilka is the most patient sister of all time. Like, Kim is so rude to her the whole time. She's like, shut up, Elka. You know what? And Elka's like, okay. You know what? Fair.

Fair. Justice for Ilka. Well, now Fred has lined up a slightly bigger house with a driveway that is somewhat livable in. So I'm just going to assume that she'll hate it. So we're here. And they're heading to it. The next house is a 300, well, we see it is a $300,000 budget.

but 35 minutes from Kim's business. And Kim's like, you know what? It's a bit far out. And you know what else is far out? Whatever Ilka was wearing yesterday. Do you remember that top? Oh, my God. So many circles.

I haven't seen a grocery store anywhere. Where is Ilka going to take down missing posters? And then, you know, try and call and pretend that she knows where the people lost us, she can get cash. Fred, did you follow my joke? Did you see what I was doing there with the joke? Because you didn't laugh. I just want you know, you're my realtor. You have to laugh.

And you may be my cousin, but you're also my realtor. You got to laugh at my jokes. I'm laughing on the inside, okay? But look, let's look at this house, okay? This house is only 265. You know, it's got a nice, you know. I mean, look, look, look what's there. Is it a driveway?

It's a driveway. It's a beautiful driveway. Look at the driveway. It's a place for me to park my car. I hate it. It's a place to park your car. Why do we need to have a place for me to park my car? It's just taking space.

Listen, it's a driveway. You know, that's what they do. So look, it's got a white pick of fift. as well. You know, look at this. It's got a blue front door. What do you think of that? I don't know about the color. I don't know about the color. Oh, no. You know what? I love the color. I changed my mind. I love it. There's a white picket fence here. I love that too. I love it. So they go inside and it's sort of open concept. Because this one is, this one's bigger. And it's open concept. It has this sort of like vaulted ceiling-ish thing. It's like a round. It's just a taller ceiling. And it looks kind of gross in there. There's like a yellowish, walls or greenish walls or something like that and it's staged very poorly and so she's like you know what this is nice but it's a little spacious you know how is the spacious it's not even as big as a car okay i'll tell you i'll tell you when you go from 800 square feet to 825 square feet it just is too roomy it's like a mansion now i don't like it um so yeah she's like yeah this is like yeah this

is too huge for me. It's like a mansion. I mean, I don't know. And he's like, well, you know, I know you like it more confined and a little darker. And she's like, yeah, you know, I wouldn't say confined, Fred, okay? That's like a dark word. That's like what, like what is Ilka trying to date my house? Come on. Fred, Fred, look at this kitchen. This is way too modern. Okay, I want it renovated, but I don't want it to be actually look good. I mean, I want something that looks like is from, you know, 1905. I want rust. Okay, I want things cracked. I want I want drips. Things, whatever can drip, let it drip. Okay, this is disgusting. Something that's metal, clean, new, working. I don't know, Fred. I feel like you don't really understand me. Well, look, you know, in case you like a snack while

you're working on business, you know, like there's a fridge. Look at that. A fridge in an office. Okay, somewhere for Nathaniel to come and crash. There's a bet. What is he going to sleep on a refrigerator? Like, is that what he's going to sleep on, Fred? It's very modern. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about this refrigerator. For refrigerators everywhere. It's too much. I mean, if I wanted, if I wanted, I wanted something big and boxy here, I'd just have Elka come back. She's also cold inside, which helps. You know what I love that. They go look at number.

Oh, no, they just looked at the fridge. Sorry. So then she's like, you know, like now when a big a bathroom, they go into a bathroom. It's like one of those plastic installed showers. She goes, oh, wow, very modern, very modern. She does not like this plastic shower. She's like very disgusted by it. And then she's like,

I know, I gotta say, Fred, I'm noticing that there's a second bathroom here in this house. We don't need to have two bathrooms, okay? It's just gonna be me and my son. If I walk in on him while he's pooping, that's what happens. I'm his mother.

I've seen it all before. Why has everyone act like it's a big deal? I want one bathroom. You know what? You know what I enjoy doing? I actually really enjoy waiting to be able to use the bathroom. That's fun to me,

because then you stand there, you think about things, you think about life, you think about what you get doing the bathroom. And make the whole experience better. I don't want to have access to each one of us gets our own bathroom. That's ridiculous, Fred. He's like, well, what if Nathanie wants privacy?

You know what? What if I wanted a third boop? That's not what we have, okay? So now they go look at the backyard. And it's bigger than the last one. And it is fenced in, but chain-ling fence, you know? And it's kind of a rundown backyard. But she walks out, she goes, oh, my God, the dogs would love this.

I love this. I'd prefer the inside to be more cozy, you know, but the outside, the dogs, they're going to run around. Oh, my God, they're going to poop out here. Dogs, you know what I mean? They're going to love it here. You know dogs. You know what they like?

Outside and pooping. And snacks. And snacks. Is there a snack here? Is there a snack here? Can you find me a place with a snack? Is there an... How about we bring the refrigerator from the office and put it in the backyard?

Okay, see what's solved. It all worked out. Your other big complaint about the house is that one step out of... You're good. After you move out of the main, like, central public area and you go into the bedrooms, the ceiling is lower. She's like, you know what? The ceiling is very low in here.

It's very long. Like, you're the one who liked the living room in the last house. That was the size of a shoebox. She's like, I don't know. As a short person, I need my ceilings to be taller. This is, I don't know. I don't know how I feel about this. She's got such weird things that she gets hung up on.

So, she, they like that. So let's go to listing number three. So Fred has found a place that's closer to Kim's work, but it comes at a prize. Guys, it's 20 minutes from Kim's business, but this one, oh my God. First, let's watch Kim Park. So Kim's like, oh, Fred, Fred, don't laugh at my lack of parking skills. She's parked like five feet from the curb.

And he's like, yeah, I'm not going to say a word about that. But yikes, yikes, gimmee, yikes. Do you mind if I text Ilka? I do minds. I do minds. Okay, Yolka's not here for a reason, Fred. Fred, I'm noticing that we seem to be on a major thoroughfare. It sounds like there'll be a lot of traffic, a lot of honking.

There could be car accidents. right outside of my door. A lot of noise pollution. Just want to say, love it. Love it. Love it. Love it so much.

Love it. Love it so much. So much. This one's $300,000. Wow. Huge surprise, Fred. Huge. $300,000.

What am I, Freddie Rockefeller? Was that a Rockefeller? I don't even know. You always said he wanted to be a Rockefeller. It's so funny. You know, you should just be happy for who you are.

That's why I always tell Ilka. Although, that's why I also don't like Elka being around because she's too much of who she is. Okay, so let me tell you. Let me tell you. Just tell me something, Fred. So you bring me to a place that's at the top of my budget. It's on a busy thoroughfare.

Okay. And there's no driveway. Wow. Fred, love it. Great word, Fred. I actually love what you do. He's like, well, there's actually a driveway in the back. Well, don't tell me that, Fred.

You know, you're trying to sell this house to me. Don't tell me there's actually a driveway in the back. Okay. He's like, listen, I just want you to rest assured that you, you know, people are going to be entering through the back. What am I, Ilka? Okay, who put these potted pink flowers here by the door? It's too charming. Okay, here's what I want.

Broken flower pots. Can you get that for me, Fred? Can you get a debt of flour? That would be great. So they go in and he's like, this one's going to be pretty spectacular. Now listen, this house has been on the market for over 100 days, which means we could get it at a lower price. Oh my God, Ilka's been on the market for like 19 years.

Like, what is she worth now? dollars jeez you know it's funny that you called this house a diamond in the rough because i call ilka just a rough in the rough am i right she's the rough she's the rough just rough pure roughage right so um this is 1903 three bedrooms one bath and there's like a kitchen living space which we know she's going to hate right because she hates big places and it's all white functional rooms So funny. So she's like, it's so expansive. Oh my God.

Look at this. It's not. It's like as big as a backseat. And she goes, I love the floor. I love it. And he goes, yep, this is LVP. LVP, baby. Oh, you know, she does, she's so hilarious on television.

I didn't know if she came up her own brand of flooring. He's like, no, that stands for luxury vinyl plank. Luxury. Who needs that? If I wanted luxury, I would, well, I don't know. I was about to say something about Elka, but we know that she doesn't have anything to do with luxury. Am I right? Can we look into SVP, maybe some struggling vinyl plank? That would be great, friend. Okay. So they, she's like, you know what, look at this odd space. Look at this. So this kitchen, there's an oven, but there's like a little space in the corner of it. That's very odd that, you know, I'd have to go around the oven to get into the cabinet. Love that idea. I love the idea of squeezing in because it'll remind me that, you know what I got to do? I got you.

is one of my one bathrooms. Listen, Kim, listen, it's got nice floors, it's got a functional kitchen, there's no holes in the walls. Okay? What do you want from me? I don't know. Maybe you could take my cousin out on a date after all. She's so unhappy, Fred. You know what?

It's just like Ilka, undone. Okay? It's also very bright in here. By the way, it's not bright in here. It has like two windows with the shades pulled down. She's like, I can barely, what am I in heaven? What am I in heaven right now, Fred? Ugh, ugh, it's so bright, but at least you have these lovely horizontal Venetian blinds.

God, height of class in here. I love it. He's like, well, if it's too bright, you just keep your shades close. You know what? It's a smart idea. Love that. Love a workaround. You've always been to my favorite cousin.

I'm not going to lie, Fred. And listen, the fact that you got a third bedroom does something to consider for Nathaniel. You know, maybe you could have the other room for a guest or in office. She goes, a guest in office, disgusting. Both disgusting, you know, but you know what, less cozy. But I need to think about it. going to think about it real hard. Okay. And the, the title of that thought is going to be Fred's failures. Okay. Can we go right to the bathroom, Fred? Okay. So let's go to the bathroom.

Look, ugh, this medicine cabinet, this mirror of the medicine, you know, disgusting. Ugh, and another one of these manufactured baths, you know, I don't want a, I don't want a bathtub that's manufactured and doesn't leak. What I want are tiles falling off of the wall. That's charm, Fred. Maybe you know something about it. Well, let me tell you, you want to find the positive plastic fiberglass is more durable than 100-year-old toilets. But it's not pretty. I need to have a shower that looks pretty. So that way when I'm in it and my eyes are closed because the shampoo, I can't get the shampoo in my eyes.

I say, oh, I got shampoo in your eyes. You can't have it. I want to just know that there's something pretty around me that I can't see because it's too dark. Yeah. And like, look, $300,000, that's a small fortune. Is this spectacular enough? I mean, $300,000 it should be wrapped in golds. I mean, come on, Fred.

I want a gold shower. I'm just going to say it right now, Fred. This is where I want to put my luxury. Can you make that for me? But your standard versus what is reality in the market? That's a different thing. You know what? You've got a valid point, Fred, because that's what I tell Ilka about her go-fish pictures, you know?

So you've got to be real, Ilka, but not too real. Okay, because there's a market. I like Ilka was on a site called bagel meets coffee. And then after that, she was in a site called Elka ate a bagel. And it's just her. It's actually a very good site. She has a lot of great content on. It was a blog.

She never met anyone on it, though. It's too bad. She did, however, find a very lovely bagel. You know what? Problem with Ilka, she likes an everything bagel. And I tell you know, Elka, you can't have everything. You can't have everything. Choose a seed and stick with it.

That's what I tell her all the time. I'll never learn. So they go to the backyard and this one does have pavement, kind of, and it's got, it's for two car driveway. And there's white shells in the yard. It's just, oh, white shells, you know, because anything the dogs might leave or deposit, quote, unquote, might be easy to see in scoop, am I right?

Yeah, that's great. That's great, friend. Good job. I love a backyard where you're going to see every speck of dog poop that's ever come out. I want a backyard that highlights dog feces. It's very important. I need to know what the dog feces is before I go to my cat, my cat company. Are you following Fred?

I work for cats, but I care for dogs. I'm sorry, I was texting Ilka asking her about a bagel. So now we go to the cat cafe for some decisions. So Kim has reunited with Ilka. And Ilka's like, you know, the first bunk. was very vintagey. Please don't say it. I know you're going to say something

about my top. I love this thing. I've had it for 10 years. I'm not getting rid of it, Kimmy. You know what? You do what you need to do. You do what you need to do. I'm eating a bagel.

Do what you need to do. Eat the bagel. Well, you know, I did love the flooring in the backyard of that tiny shoebox that you seem very happy with. But I personally, I'd like to see you in something bigger. I just think that would be better for you.

Okay, okay. Well, let me tell you, first of all, I'm having a VIP event here. Okay, VIP. Do you understand? So, Ilka, listen to this. I'm having a VIP event here. And guess what we're going to have here?

The top Ritz Crackens. Inluences in Tampa. Okay, we're going to have the top Tampa influences at this feline influencing VIP event. Can we please see footage of this VIP event? Who are you having coming to your VIP cat fancy event? Are you going to get the cube cheese from Publix? I told you it was VIP. Is that even a question?

Of course. Of course. To put over the Doritos. What am I a monster? It's VIP. Get some meats from Scaglios. They do great meats. Okay.

Let me tell you about the 1930s ranch. It's got chaw. Why do you have ranch dressing from 1930? That's not safe. Listen, it's edible. Okay. Eat waste, not whatnot. All right.

Your life, your choice. Put some everything seasoning on it, though. make it better. All right, being the least expensive, good-sized driveway, expansive yard, vaulted ceilings, a lot of space, you know, disgusting. Like really disgusting. Like, good-looking place, clean, lovely, affordable, disgusting.

I don't want it. I don't know. I mean, I wish I could say something, but I wasn't invited to see it in the first place. So it's hard for me to have an opinion on this one, Kimmy. I'm sorry. It's, you know, this is your choice.

Well, VIP doesn't stand for very ignorant and poor. So I'm sorry. It doesn't. It doesn't. But which reminds me, are you going to get salad for the people? they need to have a healthy option. They're going to want their influences.

You want to have a salad. Cherry tomatoes. How about this? Iceberg, cherry tomatoes, Italian dressing. They'll love it. Well,

the 1903 bungalow that's got historic charm. You could feel it from the outside. It has a yard, a driveway, three bedrooms. I mean, I don't know. That sounds great. Chalm,

bedrooms, functionality. So that's the one you're going to go with, right? No, of course not. You know, it's a con.

It's a con. It's huge. Like, What am I going to do with 900 square feet? Please. I mean, my God, I'll be in there vacuuming all day, all right? All right, it's your life. All right, so which is the one you're going to choose?

I mean, you have me here all day. Like, I've got, I don't have anything to do. I've got things to do. I've got errands to do. I've got places to go. Okay, listen, here's the one I want. I want the smallest, darkest, most disgusting place that someone poops in the kitchen while I'm trying to make spaghetti, taking house number one.

All right. All right. You're going to choose the smallest house. and luckily your son is a very small profiled person. Oh, wait, just kidding. You have a very tall son who you're cramming into your tiny house. Oh, Kimi, I don't understand you. But I love you.

And then we see the son looking at it. And she's like, okay, you know what? This is your guest room. Like, it's kind of for you. It's kind of a few. It's kind of, you know, maybe where the dogs can poop because let's face it, they need to poop somewhere. So, and he's like, we'll work with it.

We'll work with it, mom. She's like, God, I'm so glad I didn't educate you. So, you know, the thought of decor. I decorate all the rooms. You know, I decorate with different stuff. I get rid of all my old stuff. It's like, Dollar Store, here I am. It's like, I'm back.

I'm back, baby. But this is a very small house. I'm not even going to go to Dollar General. I'm going to a store called Dollar Specific, because I don't have that much space. So basically the gang is in the kitchen. It's like Ilka, Kimmy, Fred, and the son. And Kim's like, you know what?

This is welcome. I'm just so glad that you're here. And Ilka's like, you know, This is so you. This space is you. It's the vibe. It has Kimi written all over it. Well, you better not write all over because I'm going to decorate it.

I'm going to cover up whatever you write on the walls. It's like, yep. Well, this is the first and the last time any of you will be invited over here. So enjoy the kitchen. She really says that. Enjoy getting used to this kitchen because you're never going to be back here again. Okay. My life has a harder shut-in starts now.

Yeah. And Fred's like, okay. you know, did I do a good job? You did a great job, Fred. All right, I'll cut. Can I get your number? Fred, it's not going to happen, Fred. All right. And that brings us to the end of House Hunters, Cat Bistroes. And I don't know what the other thing is because it's behind the dot, dot, dot. Yes. Loved it. So funny and so good. Thank you, Ronnie, for picking that one out because it was hilarious. It's fun times. Fun times. The episode was called Cat Bistroes and Charmer.

homes in Tampa. So if you have a suggestion, uh, just email us at watchwork crapans at gmail.com and put dwell hello suggestion in your header. And we'll check it out and double check that it's still on HBO Max because, um, a lot of things have changed because that's where we are pulling our content from. Thanks so much for listening and supporting one one, one, three plus our show here on onedry plus. And we'll catch you on the next dwell hello or the main episode. Bye.