Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #515: Cougar Needs a Den For Her Cub

Episode Date: August 8, 2025

A woman struggling to hold on to her youth searches for a home with a kid trying to hold onto a beabull and it’s tragic. But once he’s a rich MMA fighter it will all be worth it, right? RIGHT?! We’re recapping House Hunters Season 269 Episode 1: Cougar Needs a Den For Her Cub and we watched it on YouTube TV. Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Dwell Hello. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi, how are you? Good. What's going on with you, baby? Not much.

Just ready for a new, fresh and exciting Dwell Hello episode. Oh, me too. This is a good one this week, everybody. This is a good one. We did not even have to be recommended an episode this week because everybody was talking about this. This is actually a new episode of House Hunters, which is, very rare for us. We don't usually take on the nobs. But this is new. We caught this on YouTube TV.

This is season 269, episode one. Cougar needs a den for her cup. Cougars, wow. Yes. So we see this couple and they're driving to a neighborhood and we meet Sarah. this is the before the opening credits she's like she's like oh my god this neighborhood is really not my style i mean it'll be like living and leave it to beva and then we see like all these channeling venses and i was like i don't know if this is quite leave it to beaver but i think this is more like grand theft auto san andreas

you're talking about leave it to beaver also i like that it's some older lady dating a much younger man and she's making leave it to beaver references like i know He has no idea what that is. I think that's... I think he's looking for Beaver. So then Linda comes on. And conventional is exactly what this couple is not. There are three decades between Sarah and her boyfriend, Jack.

Although not sure if he's a boyfriend or just like a pile of skin and hair with enough brain cells to push out a few words per sentence. And let me tell you, for someone old enough to be his mother, she does not comb his hair for him. Because wow. Wow. Oh, and so we see them like inspecting the places and everything. And Linda's like, they have big dreams of him becoming an MMA fighter and the money that comes along with it. So get ready to spend those tens and tens of dollars, Sarah. Of course he's dating Sarah and he wants to be a mama fighter.

Like, what else are you going to be? Oh, my God. I mean, come on, bro. And MAMA fighter, listen, I don't know much about anything, really. But we were looking up and wasn't that girl from the, not the valley, next gen NYC dating an MMA fighter? Or was that a different kind of fighter? Was this name like, this name was like Stone or something? Cookie.

Oh, he's a wrestler. Oh, that hook. No, A of us are dating someone named Hook. No, he's a wrestler. So. But even that, like, you don't, I don't think, like, if you become an MMA fight, I don't think it just like automatically translates to fame and fortune. Like you might get a paycheck.

Also, I'm not totally sure that this young man is in fighting shape. I'm not here to shame anyone, but if you want to get into that octagon, you might need to get rid of an octagon. Yeah, I just looked up MMA fighting because I don't know MMA fighting. Like, I don't get it. So I'm like, I'm like, MMMA Mia. Like, is Meryl fighting with Christine Buransky? Like, what's happening?

So I looked it up and yeah, these are very muscular, strong people. I mean, this guy on this show looks like he's the only thing he's fighting over is like a PlayStation controller. This guy is not fighting. He's fighting over a remote or a chicken wing. Like this guy or Funyon. Okay, this guy is going to need to do, he's going to need to get into not just fighting shape, just like. Shape. Just shape.

Any shape. Pick of shape. Yeah. Which would be fine if he wants to work literally in any other field. But like the fact that this guy who says he's going to want to, wants to be an MMA fighter. Girl, the only ring you're getting into is an Mame. Yeah. Mame.

Yeah. Mema. Mene. Maybe not. Meme is for that. They have big dreams of. him becoming an MMA fighter and the money that comes along with it. And Sarah's like

yeah, I can't wait until Jack starts fighting professionally makes millions of dollars. Oh no. Imagine working in a U-Haul. She works in like a U-Haul storage place and just seeing your like mail delivery person come in

and he's like, yeah, I'm a fighter and her being like, this is my fucking ticket out of the U-Haul storage unit. This 20-year-old, I'm going to make him famous. I'm going to like his Rockies coach. What was his rock? What was Rocky's coach name?

Um, coach. Robert. I don't know. I never saw Rocky. I, um, you've never seen Rocky? Rocky?

Mickey. That was his name. She's like, I'm, I'm going to be his Mickey. I'm going to be his Mickey Goldmill. Mickey. Mickey,

Mickey, well, no, I saw Creed, if it's any consolation. That was a Rocky, uh, uh,

uh, uh, sequel? Like later? Is with Michael, Michael. Strahan? More? Michael Moore.

Michael Strayhan. Yes. Michael Moore is so good in creed. Michael Moore. The way he was asking those questions during the fight, like, excuse me, how do you feel about a plant in Detroit clothes? Like, oh, don't stop punching me. I'm asking him interview. It's like, oh, did you just call global warming bullshit?

Ma! It was a very compelling sequel. Um, uh, what I like about this episode of house hunters is like, there is like some sort of crime movie going on or a film noir where this older woman has seduced a young, dumb fighter who's gonna trick him into beating up her ex. She's gonna collect the money and then drop this guy. But in the middle of this film noir, they stop everything to do an episode of house hunters. They're like, hold on, hold on.

Let's put the scheme on pause. We can be on HGTV. Yeah, Lara Flynn boils. They're looking at houses and Linda tells us, so they want to buy a place in Sacramento, where all MMA fighters come from, the glamorous Sacramento. And they need a dedicated gym space. So they're looking at a place.

And she's like, yeah, look, it's a garage. You could put your weights there. Thanks, Sarah. Well, you're really, you're really micking it up today. She's like, that's it. I'm making him. I found a place we can put a wait in a garage. She's a regular Donna King.

So, but with a future fortune on the line, disagreements on price and style have tempers flaring. And then we see Jack say, I really do like this house and it's worth the money. Yeah, well, we're talking about less money to have fun. So what? Doesn't mean I'm wrong. Doesn't mean you're right either.

Oh, God, this couple. So this couple is not only like apart in many, many years. They're both just terrible. Yeah. She's delusional. She's completely cray-cray. And I get, listen, love comes in all ages, okay? You know what?

Date whoever you want to date. That's fine. You pay your taxes, date you want. But her struggle to be like, oh, my God, we need to be my clubs. That's what we really need because I want to go clubbing. Because there's just like a new club in downtown Sacramento. We have to be close to it. It has like Copacabama dancers.

And she's wearing these certain types of dresses. I don't know. They're not sun dresses. Are those maxi dress? I don't know what you call them. But I feel like any time I ever saw like a softcore porno on like cinemas like late at night. This is what the women would always wear. Yes.

Between the sex scenes. That's such a good. That's such a good way to put it. And they are sundresses. They're like old navy sundresses. And she looks like she's. She looks like she's Cosplaying like this type of person

They're above the knee though, right? They're not like full on sun dresses that go down To the feet like is that still sundress Is that still sundress? Isn't above the knee? I don't know. Let's look it up. Look up a sundress. I don't think they're like long.

I mean, you wear them in the sun. I think they are they tend to be long. No, I'm seeing short ones. I mean, I see one. The first one is from Briaza ditsy floral. It's called Briaza ditsy floral sird waist. I think it's like a baby doll dress. That's what it is. But so, but the thing is it's like, it's not to say that if you wear a baby doll dress, you look like you're in a softcore porno. It's just like her style of baby doll dress, like the puffy sleeves and the floral patterns and the sort of the way they flare. I don't know. Just everything with her style, just sort of reminded, honestly, it reminds me of a very specific Dana Plato soft court porn I once saw where in between the sex scenes, she would wear this kind of dress and

talk about Waldorf salads. It was like they tried to give her personality. So she was constantly talking about like, I'm going to, so are you excited for dinner tonight? I'm going to bring my famous Waldorf salad. Like that was like her storyline. And I'm not even joking. Dark. So she just wants to have fun.

And now the episode is officially beginning. And we're in Sacramento, California. And they're working out. Well, he's working out. And it's kind of a weird working out because he's doing that punching thing. and she's putting up her hands to be his punching bag. I didn't like the imagery. I don't know.

It bugged me because she didn't look strong enough. Well, he didn't look strong enough to really make a dent, so that was good. But she didn't, I don't know. He's a big guy. I didn't like her, like, standing there all, like, kind of defensive, putting her hands up. I don't know.

Get someone else to practice with him. You know, you're already paying his rent. Get him somebody to hit. Get a real trainer. So she gives the backstores because Jack and I met it. my job. I work at a storage facility and Jack walked into the office complaining about ants in his unit. So obviously I did a very bad job. That's the person working in the storage facility. I'm terrible. I'm terrible. I'm terrible. I'm terrible. I'm a job. I've been fired since. So.

And we just kept on smiling at each other and talking. I mean, nothing really sets in the mood like a complaint about ants, incessant ants over all your belongings in the storage facility. Then I got ants in my pants if you know what I'm saying. And then immediately after our first Jack moved in that day. First of all, was anybody else shocked to know that Jack could afford a storage unit? What does Jack do? Jack does nothing. I think it's in his name.

I think it's in his name what he does. Jack does Jack. Nothing. So we see on the screen that Sarah and Jack have been dating for eight months. So there is a 30-year difference between us. And then we see that she's 52 and he's 22. She goes, but we don't feel it. We see it and we hear it and we sense it, but we don't feel it.

It's weird. We smell it. We smell it the most. Actually, I would argue that that's where we feel at them. We smell it the most. He goes, I don't care if anyone judges us. They can go focus on their own relationship. It's like, yeah, worry about yourselves.

They're all defensive like they're doing something. They're like, we are standing up. For old people and young people to be together. It's like, wow, I'd go to your parade, but it sounds extremely wheelie, you know, like a lot of, it sounds like, it sounds like a lot of people helping each other to cars. Okay. So it sounds like. So we see them cutting up fruit and she goes, I like your banana. And he's like, oh, he does like a beep as a butt head laugh.

She goes, you know, I like the fact that Jackson, Alpha male. I think he's nice and bulky. I like things that are bulky. That's why I work in a storage facility. God, watching boxes come in and out, that's my favorite. But most importantly, I like... Last guy I tried to date was the Costco. I like how calm he keeps me.

Like when he walks in the room and says, ants, there's ants everywhere. How do I get rid of all these ants? I just feel my soul settling down. Yeah, she's really attractive. and she seems like she's my age when I talk to her because she says things like, I like your banana.

Well, that's because I have a lot of Rizz, and I like that he enjoys my fits that I wear. Me and Jack, we're just vibes. So she's like, we currently live in Vivato, California. And he's like, yeah, we're moving there to Sacramento I know because I want to be a professional mixed martial artist. So there's plenty of places to train. You know, now I just have to get, you know, a different race parent to rehab me.

You know, one huge thing that I love about Jack is I like his work ethic, okay? The way he wakes up, plays video games, starts getting ready for the gym, more video games, has lunch. Can't go to the gym because he has to digest. So more video games, afternoon snack. digest, video games, dinner, and then makes the pledge after dinner that tomorrow he'll go to the gym. I love that. That's intoxicating. She's like, he reminds me of myself when I was young. Ants.

Ants everywhere. Couldn't get rid of them. You know? It was a real problem for me all my life if you really think about it. He reminds me when I was a model and I had to get my dreams fulfilled. Your dreams fulfilled. I had to get my dreams fulfilled. It's like our T-D list.

Got to get my dreams fulfilled. and then we see her dreams pop up on camera. It reminds me of being a young model myself and what I did to make those dreams fulfilled. And that swag was led to the fashion capital of the world, Movado, California. Movado. That's when I was a model and I had to get my dreams fulfilled. And I did it by moving to Movado. We see pictures of her modeling career flash up on the screen.

I don't think those model, they didn't get fulfilled. Every one of them was like, it's a Lonnie Anderson tribute, which, by the way, R.A.P. Lonnie, I love you. But every single picture is like, look, it's Lonnie Anderson playing a secretary. Well, I shouldn't even give her the Lonnie Anderson. Lonnie Anderson. No, I'm about to say that's, I just mean styling. You know, it was like 80s.

It's very much like, well, Reagan is president. And it was like lumberjack. There's one that she's like plaid and her boobs are up. And she's like in jorts. It was like, it kind of like reminded me of like an ad for some random type of stool you would buy that you might put in your casino. It's like, I don't know. A stool ad for a casino. It was niche.

Yeah. Yeah. So she's like, yeah, you know, it's just impressive to me. You know, I want to help him get on his way. I mean, look at him. So motivated. He's like, I just want to. place with a couch.

When I get big, I'm going to give Sarah everything she's ever wanted a new car, a newer house, maybe two, maybe three, maybe four, maybe five, maybe six, maybe seven. Thanks, Dave. Thanks, Dave. You can stop now. Although, you almost cut to 10 that time. You almost got to 10. So now they talk about their wants.

And Jack is like Sacramento is really not. but I don't want to be somewhere right in the city. I want to be outside of the city, you know. You know why he wants to be outside of the city because he married, he's with like an extremely party girl. He's like, I don't want to be out with it. She's going to be out every night. I feel like he's scared of fast cars or something.

Like cars fast in city, too scary. Must stay suburbs. So she goes, well, I want to be closed to downtown. because I like to go out nightclubbing. And as we all know, Sacramento is the place where all the hottest clubs in the country come. So I like to get dressed up hot. And I like Jack to show me off.

And I show off Jack. The way these two talk, because before, when he said, when I get big, I'm going to buy her everything. And she's like, I like to dress up hot. I'm like, what second grader is writing your dialogue? I like to show me. my baby off. Yeah, I'm taking you out on Sacramento Town to show you off, Jack. So, wish list, her close to downtown. And she's like, yeah, I'm really hoping that he shows us a condo

with maintenance included. Do those exist? I don't think they have condos where you don't have to pay an HOA fee, right? I think she's saying that she just only wants to deal with an HOA. because her wish list says her condo with HOA and Jack's like I don't like Hawes I don't even know what that means I just don't want ants I want to see a house houses never have ants an ideal house is what I want is two story traditional couple rooms and a garage that I can turn into my own gym Jack oh really where who am I supposed to show you off to in a house

An ideal house costs ideal money, okay? And we don't have that because you're not big yet. I mean, you're big, but you're not big like that, okay? Yeah, and she's like, can we be flexible about this, please? Like, we're just going to jump into being old people with a mortgage. Oh, we have a mortgage, and this is so great. What are we going to do? We're going to be like that?

What are we just going to go get? Newspapers on the front stoop, like, oh, I've got a newspaper. Now I'm so old. How you're old. Just accept it. No, I'm not. Fucking a 22-year-old guy and going to a club doesn't make you look younger. It makes you look older.

Do you understand? Like you look old, girl. Like you don't look physically old, but the way that you're living trying to grasp youth makes you look old. So she says that she has $250,000 in savings. And that's what we call stool money. And she says she wants to just pay cash. cash because she doesn't want to have to worry about splitting the H-WA fees and utilities.

So this way we could just focus on Jack's career, which is funny to think that Jack's going to have a career. So her budget is $250,000. And he goes, I'm willing to go up to $400,000 because we're already qualified for it. And I think we could take a payment like we could do that pretty easily. You don't have a job, Jack. You're 22. You just moved here from New Hampshire.

Well, it says, on the screen it says, Jack currently works as a delivery driver for Big Box. But at some point, they mentioned that he doesn't work because she's like, or she's saying she doesn't want him to work. She just wants him to train. So it's going to be her money that's going into this house. He's not going to be working. At least their plans aren't for him to be working. So, no, if she's going to be working, you don't get your fucking big tacky house in the city or in the suburbs, buddy. They really are obsessed with boxes in this relationship.

They met at a storage facility. He drives for a big box company. And he also wants to basically box for a career. So she's like, well, we definitely want separate getting ready areas. And so wishless two bathrooms. And she's like, yeah, I'm sick of sharing a bathroom with you, Jack. And he's like, I'm right there with you. Watch your mouth, young man.

So they say it takes her so long. You know what? Sundresses don't steam themselves. I want to tell you that. He's like, and I need a big backyard for my Beeble. And then it says, wish list, big backyard. He goes, oh, of course. How can I get away from the Beeble?

And he goes, I want a be able. It's a mix of a beagle and a bulldog. And then we find out that he grew up with Beebles in New Hampshire. I'd never even heard of a Beable before. I'd never heard of a Beable. I'm going to look at it right now, a Beable. Do they show us a picture on the episode? They must have shown us a picture, right?

They did. What did it look like? Bebel. It's a beagle with a head of a. Oh, they're so cute. Oh, my gosh. Little Pitbull, Beagle, floppy ears. Oh, these are really cute dogs.

Some of these are kind of like boxers. I wonder if a beagle would hate me because pit bulls like me, but beagles hate me. I'm going to say this. Some of these beables that I'm seeing online look actually like they're more like boxers, which is on trend for this couple. Yeah. God, those are cute dogs. Okay, I need to stop looking at dogs because, like, I'm obsessed now. Now I want a be able.

I want a be able. I feel like your next dog will be a beble now. And I'm not even joking. Well, I'm also really obsessed with Frenchies, even though those are terrible dogs to buy because they're so inbred and they have all these health problems. And they go through a life of pain. They're always in and out of the doctors and all that. God, they're so cute. They're just so snorty.

Okay. Anyway, the point is he's obsessed with Beebles and she hates him. Have you noticed like she does not even look like she likes this guy? She's like, oh, God, Beebles. Here we go with this fucking Beables. Like, well, geez. Like, she goes from where her voices like this, she's like, we'd love a really nice house by the city so I can look hot.

And the next minute, she's like, oh, fucking Beables. Great. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, Jack's obsession with Beebles. It drives me crazy. Bebele, Bebele, Beable, beable, beable, beable. And he goes, Bebole. He loves like this weird voice.

And I'm like, okay, some, like, this person is not all there. He's like, bebo, people, people, people, all day. All day long, that's him. Look, he's doing it again, beble. Bebo. It's on my bebo. Okay, all right. Take a shower, Jack.

I take a beble bath. Bebo. She's like, well, hopefully we find something that works for both of us. And he goes, yeah, well, I still want what I want. She goes, well, in a relationship, there's two people. I'm worth two myself. So in this relationship, there's three, and I'm worth two. So I'm as old as two of you.

So I win. I think owning a home with Jack is going to prove to both of our families that we're serious about each other, that this isn't just like a temporary phase and that our relationship is real and strong. People. Okay. That's not going to help. That's not going to help, Jack. Nothing like trying to prove everybody wrong by signing a mortgage with a 22-year. year old. Are you nuts? What is wrong with you? I don't even mind like I I am open to a 52 year old

woman and a 22 year old boy, but not this boy. This guy is touched. This is not how do you have a conversation with this person? You could be the same age as him and still not like I don't I don't I don't think anyone should date this person. He can't he is like a lump. This is this is lost him. This is wasted humanity here. These are these are just cells cells that are just barely functioning. What is going on here with this person? And she just seems semi-terrible. So I'm not really sure. I don't even think it's the age difference. I think they're just both like questionable people. They're just both lost. Like she is like trying to capture something and he is probably like, I don't know. I think he's hoping to be captured. I don't know. I don't know what's going on with. I don't know.

Bibo. So she's like, we're going to prove something by getting a mortgage. Take that one, Mom. So then we see Arden Arcade Neighborhood. And the first up is a second floor condo located in Sacramento's Arden Arcade neighborhood. It's got a Miss Pac-Man and a centipede. Jack can find plenty of MMA gems. And Sarah can find her nightlife where she likes to show Jack off. You hear what I said there?

Show Jack off. Anyway. Just put it back in your pants, Jack. You said Jack off. Show Jack off. No, Jack. God, you're so embarrassing. People.

The Art and Arcade neighborhood where people come to play video games about cosmetics. Think about it. Think about it. The centipede is really just looking for a good blush. So. They arrive at like a condo community, which is actually like it's a nice. I like these sort of condo communities. It's sort of like wood in and it's got a lot of trees and there's a pond.

Why is everyone here so old? It's a retirement community, man. Oh, there you. He goes, Jack goes, oh, look at the pool. And Sarah goes, look at the duckies. Which makes me wonder, was he looking at a pond and thought it was a pool? Did they have both? I didn't even notice.

I don't remember seeing a pool because I wasn't paying attention, but there definitely was like a duck in like a murky kind of pond situation. And if he called that a pool, I don't even know. I think this one had a little pool, but it was like kind of in nature. So you could also see the ducks on the grass or something. Because he said some other things later in the episode where I'm like this, this guy. My favorite part is they pass a little fat man. And she goes, oh, I like this little like bubbly thing. It makes such a peaceful found.

I wonder what are one of these little bubbly things called he's like I always call it bubble spouts oh yeah bubble spout yeah beble spouts beble so um we meet uh mingo the real estate agent I love that we have a mango real estate agent it's like the perfect agent for this couple she's like hey mango how are you and it's like how are you guys doing today okay I've got an upstairs condo for us to take a look at 249 K-H-O-A-622. Am I right, ho? Am I right? I don't really like all these homeowner doos.

Okay, well, I mean, someone's got to keep the maintenance up here. Okay, those ducks don't just arrive here for free. So Mengo's like, well, the best thing is you don't have to worry about cutting grass. Oh, dancing? No, that's cutting a rug. Oh, sorry, I just was reminded of my childhood. He's like, does it have a gym? Yes, there is a gym here as well.

oh, a gym would be good. And that way we don't have to build one, you know, because that's what we're going to do with our disposable income. Anyway, it's kind of darkoing up the staircase that's sunlit, but just has a light shadow on it. I already don't like this place. Yeah, it's a little bit spooky. Oh, you're a big guy.

You can handle it. Come on now. Come on. So Mango shows him the place. He's like recently updated. Everything's been done. New appliances, new countertop on the kitchen. Can I tell you this place was not recently redone?

I don't know what these people are talking. How recent is recent? Because this doesn't look redone to me. Probably like in 1972. I think it's like as. She's still comparing it to leave it to be there. That's like her only frame of reference. I think so.

It's as generic an apartment as you could ever find or a condo. It's the standard galley kitchen. You walk through. There's dining room space, living room space. I mean, it's like I feel like we've all lived here at some point. so they're looking through it and Sarah likes the countertops. Jack goes, yeah, I like the countertops a lot.

And I just like, yeah. And what's funny is that they show this like, this god awful stove top, this like electric stove top that I used to have. I used to have one of those. But it's like it's not even that it's electric. It's just that it's like that old coil that like sticks up in. It's like warped and bended and everything. And they don't even say anything about it.

Like you think, oh, like, okay, here we go. They're going to go on about the stove top. She's like, yeah, everything looks great in here. I like it. She's like, that cigarette lighter looks really good there. So I do like that. Love stainless steel. Oh, look at all this stainless steel.

It's like a basic refrigerator. She's like, wow, the luxury. She goes, but I don't know if there's enough room to cook in here. And Mango asks you, does the cooking. She goes, I do everything. Can you imagine? You can't make beables for dinner. It's, by the way, there's plenty of room to cook.

in there. It's like just a standard galley kitchen. And of course, she's talking about how she loves the stainless steel, you know, appliances and everything, because she's got to make it seem like this is the lap of luxury because, spoiler alert, this is the one they wind up taking. So, uh, mango is like, it's like, yeah, perfect

for one, one person in kitchen, cooking. So, uh, mango's like, they're a unique couple. I mean, they're very unique, uh, very unique relationship. I, I guess love sees no age or has no standards or doesn't care about having good conversation, right? Unfortunately, I'm not loved, and I see it.

It's gross. It's gross. But you know what? Commission sees no age difference. So I'm going to make about $5 off this sale. So I'm here for it. I know, right. Sir is like, I do not want an open floor plan.

I really, ew, gross. And he's like, well, Jack's like, well, we kind of do out here, you know, like, this this is what I think we could do. This could be the dining room area and this could be the living room. I'm like, oh, wow, really? The dining room could be a dining room and the living room could be a living room.

Where did she find you? God. She's like, I guess. And he's like, oh, and there's a deck. Look, it's a nice view. And she's like, well, breakfast outside would be cute. He's like, breakfast outside would be great. Yeah.

But what about my bea-bibles? What if they fall off the balcony? they could die. She's like, oh my God, fucking Peebles. Your dogs are big enough. They're not going to fall off the balcony. Well, yeah,

but they're also not going to go poop and pee out there, are they? Like, I love that they're looking at this big expanse of, like, green property out there. And their thoughts are like, yeah, this is where we can take our dogs out on the balcony. I know.

And also, I just want to point out these slats, like the posts on this, on this balcony were like four inches apart. And he's like, but the, but the beables could fall. fall off the balcony.

I don't know if that's how some like that are they no. Yeah. They're not going to do that. They're not going to fall off. He's not the brightest. So she, uh, man goes like,

what this community have. There's a dog park here. There's a dog park. Okay, I'm not living in a place with the dog park. And I love the dog park. I used to go all the time to the dog. I used to work at a dog park for fuck sake.

Um, so I'm not anti dog park. But have you ever been to a place that has a dog park? I looked at a place in Texas that was right next to dog park. And let me tell you what it's like poop. There is poop smell throughout your entire place. No. But let me tell you something.

When you have a guy, these two, I think beggars can't be choosers. And I think that for them, like, take the dog park. Because he's like, I don't know. It's not very private here. You have to share the dog park. the gym. I'm like, okay, well, I don't get a private dog park. Sorry, you don't get a guy. Who is this? I want a private dog park. Sorry, sir. Your budget is $250,000. You're going to share the dog park. Yeah, 250. That's crazy. I was like, wow, I'm looking up things to do in

Sacramento. So he doesn't want to make compromises. Jack, you're a compromise. You're going to make it. You're going to have to make a compromise. You are the compromise. You are the young dick. She's like, I just want some young D. And I don't care what his personality is. Yeah, pretty much. So they have to share a bathroom.

And she's like, oh, my God, this bathroom is so pretty. It's not. Spoiler alert. It's not. And Jack's like, oh, my God, I like the mirror. It has a sink. I like how it has space and cabinets. So they're looking at all this stuff.

Was this where he tried to open up the medicine cabinet? I think it was because they're looking at the, and I could be wrong, maybe this is a different part, but I'm pretty sure what happened in this bathroom where he like tries to open up the medicine cabinet and he doesn't know how to do it. And he's clasping it from like the bottom.

And then she finally just like takes it. She's like, you're dumby. I was like, you open a medicine cabinet. So she's like, well, I'm really not crazy about overhead lighting.

It shows all my wrinkles. You know what else? them standing next to a 22 year old. Yes. Exactly. So, um, you know, they look at the, they look at the various rooms and everything and, uh, they're saying that like the bathroom feels small and, and she's like, well, the marble school though. It's kind of like hotel vibes, you know, it's kind of feels like, like nothing about this place feels like a hotel. I'm going to tell you this right now. It's not hotel vibes. That is not marble either. So I don't know. Like I've got, I've got so much bad news for this couple.

So Mango's like, oh, Jack goes, wow, the shower's really small. And he goes, yeah, no double showers here, guys. And she goes, well, I could spray you down in here with this shower head. He goes, yeah, like a wet dog. And she's like, I was trying to be sexy, but I guess, woof, woof. Mango's like, please let me go home. Please. He's like, can I be a bebo and fall through the balcony?

Please just push me off. Could I be a shockingly slender, beble? Beble. So she's saying how Jack is, he's been a little quiet. And I know he, that, I know what he's thinking. He doesn't want this. He wants to get this over with. And he's putting very little effort into it.

I hate to break it to you, Sarah. He's going to be like this all episode. This is just who he is. You may not realize it. Yeah, guess what else he's going to put very little effort into? Everything. Everything. Have you talked to this?

this person. So Mango's like, oh my God, guess what? There's a second sink. So to each their own. And she's like, well, we do at least have separate areas to get ready. And they're like, game changer. Let's do it. So then we go to

she goes like, she finds a closet. She goes, oh, so you have your own closet because there's another bedroom. And he's like, oh, so this is where the closet is. Wow, this is in an actual room. Where do you think closet's going to be, sir. I think it's going to be in the dog park. Free standing. What's wrong with this person? I know. So it's small and Sarah's like, it's small

mango, it's small. And mango's like, it is, it is. I mean, of course it's small, you know. But like I said, it's going to be right in your budget, which also is small. You may remember. 250,000 things she can live in the Ann Arden, Elizabeth Arden, Arcade, Super Mario Brothers Park neighborhood. I don't think so, honey. Well, you know, at least we At least we could just pay an HOA and then, you know, we don't have to go out and do yard work And we can work on your career, Jack

I'd rather just buy a house and make payments Well, this is not my first rodeo Okay, this is my fourth property, fifth if I include you, That I purchased. And it's not just like, oh, we get the house And oh, hidey-ho, Heidi-ho, Heidi-ho, Heidi-ho, If we have a mortgage payment, he's going to have a full-time job

And Jack is good at one thing And that's fighting And guess what else he's also good at? Not fighting, actually. I lied. He can't fight very well at all. He's not good at anything. He's also bad at fighting.

But one day he'll be good. I might be rich. So you're telling me he's also, he doesn't even have a full-time job. His box driving job is not even full-time. Oh, geez. Yeah, that's what I'm telling you. She's planning on him just like spending all day trying to box, which I don't know. So he's like, I just want to see a house.

She's, when I have time to play around. I have 20 years left. I've five good summers. Like Carol Rideswell. So now they're on their way to the next spot. And she's like, well, you got to find a new gym out here. Okay. He's like, yeah, I got a couple lined up.

Because I want to be a pro athlete's wife. So we got to get you out there. So now we see what this is all about, which is that she, I mean, by the way, she's also very Larsa Pippin coded. She looks like original Larsa Pippin in many ways. And this is like very reminiscent of Larsa and M. Marcus. So, but it's just like the sad HGTV version. Yeah, Larza's slipping. So, um, Sarah and Jack want to prove their age gap relationship isn't

just a flash in the pan. So they're bringing home together. This next place is 15 minutes from downtown Sacramento, but it's an older neighborhood and it's more suburban than Sarah was hoping for despite her outfits. This neighborhood is known among locals as just Sarah. It's older. It's an older neighborhood trying to look young. The neighborhood bird is a sundress. It's actually called Freeport Manor, which is funny because Freeport is exactly how Jack describes his relationship with Sarah. A Freeport to stay in.

The HOA is paved in Jello. Let's see. So Sarah's like, oh my God, this name is not really my style. I mean, I'm going to be like living and leave it to be. So this is the leave it to beaver one where it's really run down and every house has chain link fence. It's like there's nothing about this that looks like idyllic suburbia. It's just like crumbling houses. It's just like, oh my God.

Hello. Step for wife, am I right? Yeah. So median price for this neighborhood is 400K. Jack loves it because Jack obviously had a disturbing childhood. I mean, he never says it, but I mean, it's clear, right? Yeah. Pretty sure.

I'm pretty sure we're all clear on that. And I think he just wants a house. I have a feeling he was living in the storage unit. And that's why he was complaining about ants. He was probably staying in there, was eating his chips in there or something and got ants. Yep. That's probably what happened to be truthful. Yeah.

So he wants a house, damn it. And Sarah's like, well, I mean, it's so nice, though. It's not. It's not really. And it's like run down and just. It's like not cute. You know, one thing I've noticed on house hunters, no one really preps their house. Like, they don't really stage it and make it look cute before they sell the house.

They just walk into shit holes all over the place. It's like, okay, there's a dirty baby diaper on the floor. I don't like, let's just keep trucking. It's a house. He's like, I don't like the floor. I like carpeted floors better. She's, well, carpet's going to stink like dogs. Beables?

Yes, fucking Beables. Yes. Congratulations. You've connected the dots. So, and he's like, like well you got to clean them off at the door she's like um yeah that's not how dogs work okay great more work for me cleaning your be able off before walks into the house so um they they look through it's just generic there's like one room that has like a window and so he's like

natural lighting is nice in here she's like yeah natural lighting great yeah and there's two closets in a bedroom but there are tiny closets and he's like cool and She's like, yeah, I don't want to spare the share closet space. And he's like, yeah, but like, okay, let's, let's fight, let's fight for the bigger closet. And Mingo's like, rock paper, scissors, okay, whoever wins gets the bigger closet. And Sarah's like, rock paper, scissors, I get both. Mango. Wow, Sarah.

So then, so Jack's like, okay, but you can only throw scissors. I'm like, that's not how it works. That's not how the game works. So Sarah's like, I need my own mirror and my own sink because I need to make sure I have full view of my baby doll dress when I put it on. Okay, because this man is always in my way. He's like, yeah. And he's like, women, they're just so messy in the bathroom and I, right? Like, why can't they flush the toilet?

Like, I don't want to come in here and flush. Like, why don't you flush? And she's like, oh, my God, stop it. Her maturity level is terrifying to me because she, she. Like, that's the funniest thing in the episode to her. It's like got a real laugh. She's like, oh, my God, a poop joke. I love him.

I love him. So then they look into a closet and like Jack walks in. This is the first time. The entire episode, his voice is monotone and slow. And he's like, oh, lo. This is the first time there's a note of excitement in his voice. He walks in the closet and there's like an almost like a cracking sound. He was like, oh, whoa.

And she's like, what was that? Mango, is this place? haunted. Is it haunted? Is it a young ghost? Please tell me it's a 22 year old ghost. It's a secret door. That's actually the crawl space. That's where you go to the foundation. It's a secret

door to Narnia. He really thought that. He really thought he found a special door. He was like, oh my God, I discovered something in here. There's like treasure down there. So basically they have a little room downstairs, right? Oh, there's a bonus room or something.

And she's like, oh my God, this is so dope. Watch your stat babe, great video game room. This is where you could play your video games, honey. I could make breakfast. You can play video games. You know, all those Atari games and such that are so fun. And he's like, yeah. And Meng goes like, yeah, well, and this was an add-on, but it's okay to have.

So this is good. Look at the backyard. There's a big backyard. And you can put an ADU unit in the backyard. That way you can generate. some income. Put an ADU unit. Does that mean building a whole house back there? He's saying you could just build a whole house in the backyard, just build a tiny home back there. I'm already taking you to a place 140,000 over your budget. You know what you should do? Built an ADU. We built another

house. And I'm sure everyone will want to live there with all those beables running around in the yard. Yeah. So we see potential rent for an ADU is 900 to 1600. And he's like, it would help. guys, it would help with the money. No, it wouldn't help because they'd have to build the ADU. So they'd have to build it and then pay for the ADU to be built. That's for income as if the ADU is already there, you dummy. Yeah.

And then Jack goes, I'd probably put a kitty pool out there for the B-Bowl. Oh, sure your neighbors will love that. They'll love the side of that. Kitty pool. Okay. Well, I guess we've got an option for a fucking B-bowl too. Thank God, Mango, am I right? The age difference does affect the way we both think.

You know, Jack sees the backyard as his personal dog park, and I see it as a patch of grass connected to a 30-year loan. So in order to make that mortgage payment, we're going to have to go into more debt, getting an ADU in the back. So I don't know. Well, at least someone there has a brain. So Jack is like, oh, my God, I love backyards. Look at it. There's not even a closet out here. Well, that's a big backyard for you to mow.

Are you ready for that? He's like, yeah, what's mowing? He's not going to mow shit. So then the only appliances that come with the house are the stove. And Sir goes, oh, my God, is that five burners? Oh, what? That's brand new. I just love that.

Now, where would the refrigerator go? Because there's not a refrigerator space in here. The only way is to cover up the window. So I don't know. I love these showing them a place for 350 grand that doesn't even have a refrigerator space. That shit was funny because there isn't a place. for the refrigerator. Where do you put it?

There was no place to put it. And I like, but she was like, well, that would be an, she'd say like, well, you could put it over here. She goes, well, that would be an eyesore. Well, you're gonna have to put it somewhere. Hayd to break it to you. So then goes, yeah. Jack goes, maybe refrigerators didn't exist yet

when they built the house on the screen. It says the refrigerator was invented in 1913. Like even the Chiron person is shading the stupid idiot. Like, I don't think we've ever seen that. Like we hear Linda doing it. But like for the Kairon to shade him like that, I cracked up. It was so funny. It was so unexpected.

I started cracking up. So then there's a garage. And let's see. They go to the garage. And then he's like, wow, I love this garage. Can I tell you this garage is big enough to fit my Vespa? And that's all. He's like, wow, what a garage.

And there was a giant, he goes, there's a huge crack. and there is an enormous crack going down the center of the garage. And because he wants to run this to a gym, I'm like, enjoy working out with a giant crack in the floor that you'll trip on and bang your head into some barbell. Yeah, well, maybe that'll help. Watch him get fixed.

So she's like, oh, my God, you can put your weight set here. And he goes, no, weights over here, punching bag over here. She goes, okay, well, punching bag here. And he's like, yeah. She's like, wow, I love when he stands up for himself. So this place comes with a dog park and a built-in gym, and she'd be saving 140. But, you know, he wants his first home and, you know, she's like, it's got to be 50-50, though.

We're going to both have to work twice. It's hard to have this. Or maybe it'll be more like 53-22. I'm not sure. So Jack is like, he's like, I definitely don't know like this house was worth the price because it's only going to go up in value. I'm like, not as long as you're living in there. I don't think so. Yeah.

So, yeah, so Mango's like, well, looking here, it's, you know, it would be about $700 a month, but get an ADU and it'll be $3,600 a month until you get out of that debt, at which point by the time you get that out of ADU debt, you're probably not going to be in a relationship any longer and probably will have moved out. Okay, great. I love Mango, just can't get his head around the idea. He just keeps saying ADU, like they're not going to have to add another 100 grand under the price. You don't just, you don't just, an ADU doesn't just come out. It'll be Jack just putting, piling mattresses and making it for it. And it'll be like, yeah, the second that, by the time they get that thing done, it's just going to be the name of the relationship. Like, I do. I'm out of here. This couple is not going to last.

So Sarah's like, okay. So what are you going to get a job now so that we can afford the house? And he's like, I'm not going to need one. I mean, like you're in the best industry there is. It's like the storage industry. Everybody needs to store stuff. Ants. Ants need storage.

So, well, since Sarah likes them young, their agent takes them to a newer home. Since Sarah's a slut, we're going to a slutty neighborhood. So on the way to the next spot, Sarah's like, well, I heard downtown, it's like, it's like so up and coming. My girl told me about this club. It's got like a huge aquarium wrapped around the dance floor. I mean, it's Sacramento, so there's only catfish in it. But still. They haven't cleaned it in a few years, so it's kind of like green and murky, but it's supposed to be cool.

After dating for just eight months, these sweethearts, air quotes, are mine, are ready to buy their first home together. Today, they're heading to a place in a newer Sacramento neighborhood, 20 minutes from downtown, but still a striking distance to the clubs and gyms. neither of them are really going to go to. Let's be honest. So they go into this neighborhood and this is more middle class than they have been to. Yeah, it's like big kind of boxy. Yeah, and it's so funny because like the chain link chain link fence neighborhood, she was like, oh,

this is so leave it to beaver disgusting. And then this one's actually just McMansions and she's like, I love it. I'm like, this is the leave it to beaver place. Yeah. So it's two store place and everything. And The place was built in 2016 and Sarah is like practically brand new. And it's two stories, good neighborhood, family friendly. There's parks. There's a trail.

It's below market price. And normally it's like 350 to 400 in this place. But this house is shitty. They walk in. There is a sofa that just has like sheets kind of just flung on it. Like someone who was just doing their laundry and then had to get. out of the house because we're going to film house hunters this one was literally like there's like a turned over slurpy on the table like what what is happening how are you even showing this house

did they know they were going to be on tv are they at starbucks right now and the producers are like quick let's someone let their door open make that house number three guys we'll give you a 20 20 bucks to skedaddle for 30 minutes all right i know that's really the vibe in this house there's like a half-eaten bowl of cereal left on the table There's someone just camouflage like the wall, standing up against it, just waiting for the cameras to leave. Just doing like Felix the Clark.

This was really a weird house. So then there's like a tile, curved tile thing that just bleeds into carpet. I mean, it's not, it's ugly. But she's like, oh my God, I love it.

I love it. I love the transition. And Jack's like, yeah, it transitions into an actual tile in the kitchen. So Sarah's like, I want something. more modern, you know, like plankwood style, like grayish wood.

Yeah, Sarah, your style. It's over Sarah. Okay, gray is over. Sarah. So then they go in the kitchen. There's a lot of like red cherry wood. So she's like, this looks like Y2K, okay? And he's like, stop it.

But this needs a whole gut. And by the way, he wasn't even born in Y2K. No. This guy. It's crazy. It had to be 2000. three, right? So there, she's like, I don't know. She's like, I mean, I do like the flush lighting. That's nice too. She says, you know, it's not luxurious, but it's okay. I could deal with it.

Luxurious. You have a $250,000 budget that you could live like in the Taj Mahal. So she's like, listen, all we're going to do is work if we purchase this. And she's like, what's the point of having a young man if I can't enjoy him? Which is good point, you know. So there's another one car garage, which would be a good, what did you say? So just fuck at that point. I mean, just go upstairs. Yeah, you don't need to prove anything to anybody. You don't need to do any of this.

Just fuck the guy for a while. Please don't get into a mortgage. No. And she's already planning on taking care. I just can't. So she's like, oh my God. And like, this is a nice garage gym. And I can put a love seat back here and watch you work out.

Then I can, I could shower you off, scrub you like the dog that you are. Yes, man goes like, oh, please not again. And please, please stop doing this to me. Well, just do it. After I leave, that's all my requests. Oh, my God. In a bathroom with more cherry wood. Oh, God.

Cherrywood everywhere. Oh, the indignities. So the backyard is small. And he's like, it's not, I don't like this. I don't like the bush hanging over our fence. Well, that's not what you said last night when you looked at my bush. Oh, God. Please, Sarah.

No. Come on. We're on TV. So. She goes, well, I like the bush over the fence. It gives us separation. You know what else does? The fence.

It's not the bush hanging over. It's literally a fence. That's what they do, ma'am. So he goes, yeah, but look how close we are to them. How can you say we're separate? She goes, okay, well, I'm not crazy about weed whacking and cleaning. Because by the way, this is one big overgrown weed. This is a tiny little hallway of a backyard with just, it's a big giant weed.

He's like, so we're right next to the neighbors. He goes, well, I'm not going to weed whack all weekend. I mean, there's a close. with an aquarium here. Did you not hear me? Rapparound aquarium. I mean, those fish are going in a U shape, which is very exciting for them. So Jack is like, then there's like a dog. A neighbor's dog is barking. And that, that dog barking. It's just so annoying. It's like, it's going to get my bee bull worked up. The only dog that's supposed to be annoying in this neighborhood is mine. I can't have another dog that's annoying me. We have to be the ones annoying the neighbors. That's what I was thinking to you.

I'm like, oh, really? The dog with a yapping bebel doesn't want. Beagles are famously very quiet and chill. So I'm sure a bebel mix will be great. So I think, wait, Sacramento, Caesar Chavez, California State Capitol Museum. I'm looking up this bar with a rapid round aquarium. I have to see it. So it's called dive bar, which is hilarious.

Oh, that's very funny. The walls aren't all. It's not like all the walls are an aquarium. It's just a big, long aquarium on the top of the bar. Are you looking at it? Yeah. And they have mermaids in there. And they have mermaids in there.

It's actually like, it's sort of funny because it's like not like a, it's not like a trendy bar. It's like a very, the people in the pictures, it's like a very like, looks like a sports bar. But there just is a tank. I mean, it's kind of cool. They've got like their lighting is jellyfish hanging from the light. It's kind of a kitsy, cool place. but it's not like some club where she's going to go show anybody off. She's like, yeah.

Yeah, this is, you're not like in Vegas. This is not like, that's not like the standard or something. I had to see what it was. That's not what I imagined. Okay, so. There's also T-shirts on the wall. They're selling merch on the wall of this bar. I just want to point out.

Dive bar. So there's a medicine cabinet, which Sarah's really into. She loves a medicine cabinet. it and there's a curtain in the shower, which Jack loves. He's like, wow, God, a curtain instead of glass. Now this, this is class. This is class. And she's in the shower inspecting the shower head because she's probably going to do her bit again.

And he just closes the curtain on her. She goes, um, babe, I'm locked in. I think it's like you're not locked in. It's a curtain. So they're looking around. They light in the primary bedroom and everything. and there's a garage. But Sarah's like, but we're talking about a mortgage for 30 years now.

That's like, you know, you'll be my age by the time you pay up this mortgage, just so you know. So we're talking about a lot less money to have fun, less MMA money for training. And he's like, okay. It's like, yeah, you know, like, I mean, the whole process of finding it's a house, I guess it's the right direction. But, like, her opinions always override mine because she feels so strongly about them. Also, she's making the money. Okay? Yes.

You don't get the same opinion, sir. I'm so sorry. Jack. So they have their little, they have their little bickering that they show in the beginning where he's like, doesn't mean I'm wrong. Doesn't mean you're right either. And then they go out, they leave the house, but their mics are still on. So they're like, they're really angry.

She's like, no, we really need to discuss this. It doesn't matter. I need you. I need to know if we can afford this or not. Because it's not going to fall only on you. We're both going to have to be working more. Okay. That's more boxes, more ants, more everything.

Okay, we need to get the ball rolling, okay. Like, okay. Well, these cross-generational idiots need to get on the same page before they can buy a home together. Sarah wants to pay cash for a condo, but Jack's down to take on a mortgage if it means that Sarah will be homeless. And Sarah's like, okay, so basically we know what they like, right?

She wants the condo. He wants the houses. There's nothing he likes about the condo. He hates it. He's going to be stifled. He's not going to be happy. So they get the condo. No place for the people. Yeah. Of course it's the condo because she's going to she wants the condo and it's the place. So they they they, they then go to we see them. They've taken the condo. They got a little bit of they got a little bit of a discount on it. And they we then come back to them now sort of sprucing it up making it making it nicer. And the whole episode ends with them sitting outside on this like little balcony. And it's like this little patio with the slats that a people could fall through theoretically looking out over. more units and like some trees

he goes I feel like I'm embarrassed I'm embarrassed She's like Paris And she's like Paris And he goes yeah I got big plans to get back to training I'm going to give it my all

And she's like oh my God Jack is going to make millions of dollars And I'm going to be sitting ringside In a really hot outfit with big fat diamonds And fancy car waiting for me outside A hundred percent Can't wait for it. Watching these sad dreams slowly die.

Wow, what an episode. It was hilarious. Wow. Well, that was a good one. Good find. And if you see an episode that you want us to cover, whether it's house hunters, House Hunter's International,

househunter's Tiny Home, whatever, as long it's the 30 minutes, not one of the one hour ones. Just message us. Send us an email to watch for crappins at gmail.com and put dwell hello suggestion in your subject so we see it. And who knows?

Maybe we'll pick the suggestion that you send us. Thanks, everyone, for being here. And bye. Bye.