Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #517: Alaskans Play Ball Down Under

Episode Date: August 21, 2025

Two Alaskans relocate to Melbourne with their adolescent son who dreams of someday playing major league baseball. Can they find a three bedroom house with two bathrooms, a big yard, room for drums, and proximity to baseball and work? All for $2k a month?  This is House Hunters Season 200 Episode 2: Alaskans Play Ball Down Under, and we watched it on HBO Max.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to Dwell Hello. It's a Watra Crappins House Hunters podcast. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. How's going, Ronnie? Ready to talk some house hunters? So good, Ben. Saw God.

Yeah, this was a good episode of Househunters. Yeah, it was. It was funny. Today's episode is Season 200, Episode 2, Alaskans Play Ball Down Under. We found this. on HBO Max. If you have a house hunters show that you want us to recap,

whether it's house hunters, House Hunters International, one of the other random house hunters, as long as it's 30 minutes, and as long as it's available on HBO Max or YouTube TV, basically not any other type of paywall, then we might be interested in recapping it. So email us at watchwork crappins at gmail.com

and put dwell hello suggestion in the subject. and we may choose your episode. This one is one that I just chose, honestly, kind of randomly. And it was a fun one. Once I saw Melbourne, I was like, okay, this will be a fun one to do. There'll be an Australian. Then it usually makes us happy. Yeah, and he was great.

I love this guy. You know, it's Australians dealing with Americans bullshit. It's really fun. The international one is just dealing with Americans in general. Yeah. always fun. But the Australians, I think, are the most fun dealing with us because they really basically call us idiot store face. And it's great. They do. Especially these two. These two people, well, let's dive into it. So we see the sky.

You don't want to form that one into words. Honestly, it's the, like, you know what? I'll just let my descriptions during the episode describe these two. It's the man bun. It's the man bun and just like The shitty, like, green t-shirt dress that the girl was wearing. I don't know. I just was like, oh, these two. She actually seems, they seem like very nice people. But the man, it was really about the man bun for me. I had a hard time with a man bun.

Really hard time. You know what? It was the man bun and it was the man not having a job to me as well. And I'm not, you know, like, of course men are allowed to be Mr. Mom's and stay at home dads. Your son is at school. Okay. Your son does not need you to be there all day.

you are not cleaning that house all day. Okay, masturbator, you are sitting there playing PlayStation and you're masturbating. You need to go get a job, especially if you want the more expensive home, sir. I'm not going to listen to this. I'm Mr. Mom. No, your child is at school. And he's obsessed with baseball, so he's got an after-school activity as well. Cut your hair and get a job.

Cut the man bun. The man-bun's over. At this point, the man-bun is really just reserved for, like, hot guys from CrossFit who have beards, and that's it. Everyone else, it just does not work anymore. So like it's done. Yeah. All right.

It's so. I wish I had a man bun though. I really like man buns. I like man buns on certain men. I don't think I would maybe. You know, it's funny, we were looking at pictures, old pictures from our, on our bonus episode. And I found a picture of when I had long hair. Do you remember when I had long hair?

Well, I had long hair during the pandemic. And I had long hair around 2008. And it was like, it was fun for sort of having that long hair. I mean, longish. It wasn't long hair. compared to what it is now. It was long. But it was,

you know, it was almost man bunnish. I think there was a period of my life where I could have done a man bun, but that time is gone. I am no longer man bunnable. Yeah, I'm obviously not mannbunable.

But yeah, that would be great. God, I love man buns. I think they're so hot on guys. I like when they take their hair down. They're like, yeah,

now I'm ready to be sexy. Now this guy, no, not this guy. Well, this guy was like, all man buns are not created equally and also there are different types of man buns. Some man buns are like,

I have long hair and I need to put it into like a little ball. But this kind was like I have like a few extra inches. So let me put a rubber band around it. And now I have like a little fish tail popping out of the back of my head. And that's not as effective. Not as sexy. Yeah, I know. No.

Yeah. Okay. So we start with a little preview of the episode. But you know what? Why give you any of that? Okay. Let's just see what Linda has to say. Dan and Stephanie are making a big move from Alaska to Melbourne for her new job.

I'm a behavioral analyst. And her husband Lucas is like, or wait, is Lucas the realtor? Stephanie and Dan. Yeah, so Lucas is the realtor. And he's like, so I need to be on my best behavior, right? So we know he's a little spitfire. The opportunity to play baseball year round sold Nolan. And Nolan's like, my goal is to become a professional baseball player.

Good luck with that kid. Well, to get his parents to agree on a home, but to get his parents to agree on a home, dot, dot, dot, Lucas might have to bat a thousand, which we know he won't. Poor thing. Guys, isn't it amazing how sweet this child is

and how we all instantly know his dreams are already dead. Good luck playing in the kangaroo leagues of Western Australia someday. Good luck in playing shrimp on a Barbie ball, because you're never going to make it into baseball. Sorry.

Can't wait for all zero of those MLB recruiters to come to Melbourne, Australia. It's almost like you're already wearing, you're already wearing a logo on your shirt that says loser. Big, big L. Mickey Mantell. So, past tense. Mickey Cantell. Sorry, just giving you some babe truth here.

I'm out of baseball references because I'm a true homosexual. Sorry. I can't Yogi Barrett anymore. Not going anywhere, kid. So he wants modern. She wants, you know, this crazy couple will they ever agree on what? they're going to get. And Dan tells us, he's like, wow, you know, the two bathroom things are really annoying. I mean, what do you need two sinks for? Um, half of them is probably the hair from your

man, but Dan, it's always the man who's like, why do you need your own sink? Because you're a pig. You're a pig. That's why. A pig. So, uh, now the episode begins and we see Stephanie, who's just this like nice generic looking lady who's wearing like this big green t-shirt the entire episode like we are both right now actually but we're not on house hunters so it's green it's green t-shirt day but she's wearing one of those like tied around your boobs but then with poofy cotton sleeves over your shoulders and then it like turns into like a dress shirt on the top we've all seen the dress we all go to walmart and i just feel like you're coming on tv stephanie like make an effort make an effort You know, like you don't have to show up in a ball gown, but like you look just, I don't know, like she needs a cigarette dangling out of her mouth and, you know, one of those like, it's like curlers in her hair.

It's like she's going to the gym right after this. It's like, please don't make me feel like we're in inconvenience before you get to your squats. So I feel like she's on the stoop of a trailer park about to throw a beer can of a cat. Yes. So she says, so we are from catch a can, um, Alaska. No, he can't. I love that they're with a loser baseball player, and they come from a place called Catch a Camp.

He's not going to be able to catch anything. Catch a can't. That's where he got his dream of baseball, is that they would throw cans at him and see, like, We're from Catch a Can. Everyone's got to catch a can here. It's like, wait a second, he's really good at catching that can. So she goes, well, when you think of Alaska,

people normally think of igloos, and not necessarily igloos. I just think of bears and dark ones. Really? I think of a lot of men who don't shave their nets because, you know, well, it's Serapalin, but also Alaska, don't they have that thing in Alaska where there's way too many men and not enough women? Because there's like so many jobs in oil rigging, oil drilling or whatever they do out there. And that's what I think. I think there are a lot of creepy men who need sex and so it's probably dangerous. So Dan tells us, you know, it rains a lot because it's in the

rainforests and it says, fun fact. Ketchikan gets more rain than snow with an annual rainfall of over 140 inches per year. One thing they don't get, baseball scouts. Sorry. And Stephanie says, you know, there's a saying in Ketchikan that if you never went outside when it was raining, you would never go outside. Isn't that good? We are leaving a place of humor. Yeah.

We have great sayings about ourselves that we've invented. We create sayings for ourselves, for ourselves, by ourselves. So, Dan, you know, our fashion saying in Catcha Can is if you don't want to look like a soaked dog, don't buy it. Dan says, well, we met in college at Catcha Can State University. I majored in catching. She majored in canning. And, well, it was only a matter of time before we met. I've never caught the can of green beans.

I'll tell you that. Slippery can. I've been chasing them for years. where cams run away from you. Stephanie says, well, I made the first move. I mean, no surprise, right? Look at this man,

but attempting to have some form of masculinity, not this guy. I was like, okay, I'm too drunk to drive. And he was like, you should drive home anyway. And I said, no, don't you get it? I'm too drunk to drive. I'll sleep on your couch. And he said, no, there's no one's out here.

Just a few moose. Go drive home. And I said, you don't get it. I want to bone you. She goes, oh, okay. And kind of word my way in that way. It's kind of a creepy. It's kind of a creepy story, isn't it?

So I met my husband because I was too wasted to drive, so he told me to get into his car. I mean, it could have ended up creepy. So she's like, honey, could you put your phone away so we can enjoy our walk? And he's like, sorry, I'm just watching golf. Don't have a lot of time to catch up on my golf with all the not working idea. And they show like stock footage of golf. I'm like, thank you, HGTV. We do not need to have an illustration of what golf is.

It's like for those of you tuning in who are not aware of golf, this is what he's watching. I was like, why are we watching stock footage that is a representation of what he's watching on his phone? This is strange. Show us the countryside. But we know it was legit footage because we saw Katie from Real Housewives of OC like, um, hi. We're here on the golf course. And I just wanted to tell you we just saw a child that is never going to make it in baseball.

Okay. That was a birdie. So talk about him all again. That's what your son's name should have been. So then Stephanie says, Nolan is our son. He is 12. And we're definitely a sports family.

Did we name him after Nolan Ryan? Perhaps that's for you to find out at some point during this episode. No, we're not going to talk about that? Okay, that's fine. Yeah, Nolan really loves baseball. But in Alaska, it's about two months season because of the weather. I'm a teacher. I have a pretty typical routine.

But, God, this one, my wife over here, She works 70 hours a week. She has not changed her smock once. I mean, she hasn't had time. I do Abba therapy. Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to say I do ABA therapy, which stands for the winner takes it on. It's applied behavior analysis, and that's when we basically, we work with autistic children and their families and make them listen to Abba.

So it's really fun for everyone. They're real dancing queens our kids. Real dancing, great. They might hit their parents sometimes, but God damn, can they harmonize? God. Good. So Dan is like, well, by the way, hey, Nolan, this is your father speaking, because I'm a cool dad. What would jerk out of meat be to throw on that community barbecue over there?

He's like, a tomahawk rib eye. That's absurd. He's like, well, you ask what you wanted, and I'm giving you an honest opinion, father. I'm sorry, Nolan. Did you not hear the part where your dad? refuses to work. You're not affording a tomahawk. You need to pick some hot dogs. Hot dogs.

Like ballpark hot dogs. Get it? Baseball? So, Stephanie's like, Australia wasn't really on the radar. I mean, I had job postings come through and it's like, oh, I don't want to move to Chicago. Go Ross. I don't want to move to Florida. But then I saw one that looked like

everything I wanted to do and it had catch in the title and I applied and guess what the rest is history like I was saying when you have a son who loves baseball why would you ever go to chicago am I right no one even talks about baseball in Chicago where they got two teams stupid lame famous stadium who cares really I wriggly field more like pussy field yeah when she was disregarding say what you say Field, more like pussyfield. Yeah, it's an amazing adventure as for go to somewhere completely crazy. We're just nutty people.

That's what we're going to do. Catch a can. Like, who even came up with this name? We're moving there. I was like, does it sound insane? Let's go. You know, it's a big deal to uproot your entire lives away from your family. I mean, my mom said, you're out of the will.

And I said, what do you own mom? And you'll play yogurt. Come on. You know, it's a big deal to uproot your entire lives away from your family. God, my mom said, you're out of the will. It's just funny. My mom has nothing, but it was still cute. And Dan's like, yeah, the first couple of months I won't be working because my primary role will be to help Nolan get settled.

Because you know what Nolan needs. Baseball bat, probably a comb. That's pretty much it. It's going to take a lot of time. It'll take a few months to find. find a mitt. That's what I'm going to look for. I'm good, an Australian mitt. All right. But what was they call it,

they call it a wilt because it's upside down in in Australia. So Nolan's like, yeah, moving to Australia, I'm frightened and I'm curious because like, maybe I'll finally be able to meet some people who can get me out of baseball.

God, I hate living out my parents' dreams. He's such a sweet kid, this kid. I mean, it's fun to like make fun of people on the show, but He really is a sweet little guy. He goes, but what if we go to Australia and they don't like me back? I mean, that's such a sweet thing to say. I wish I was his parents so I could go, why are you assuming that you're going to like them? Like, you need to, you don't walk into a room thinking, what do people think about me?

You need to walk into a room thinking, what do I think about these fucking people? Okay. That'll turn it around for you, kid. I want a bitchy baseball player son. That's what I want. So they are, they found a baseball club that, uh, It's three days a week, and it's a year-round baseball. It's a baseball season that never ends, or as I like to call it, a baseball season, hey-yo, hey-yo, baseball it never ends.

Yeah, we want to make this transition as easy as possible. So we're going to go to a baseball field. So they go over to the baseball field with Nolan's team, and the coach is like, you got some gear with you. And he goes, yes, sir, I'm prepared. And then we meet. Lucas. What kind of baseball? what do you have to bring all your own gear to baseball?

No, sports. Is that a thing you deal? What do we pay taxes? So Lucas, the realtor, comes down and says, Melbourne's not just the sporting capital of Australia. It's the sporting capital of the world. We have all the sports here. Every single sport,

they may as well just have the Olympics here for the rest of the Olympics time because this is the world capital of all sorts of sports. I was like, is it? The best sport they have in Melbourne. No, I was like, is it? There's Melbourne, the world's capital sports. I hadn't heard that before.

I've never heard that, but you know what? They're so far away from us. Like, it's literally so far. I even think the internet takes longer to get over there. Like when I'm texting my friend in Australia, I'm like, is this taking longer to get there? Are you just taking long to answer? Because I think it's hard.

But anyway, I think the best support they have there is Real Housewives because that is the best Real Housewives of all time. Real Housewives of Melbourne. That's my favorite one of all time. Oh, so good. Such a classic. I got cancer and I got rid of it because I said cancer, get the fuck out of my body. You get out of my body right this instant.

So Lucas, so Lucas is saying like, yeah, sports is like a religion. And Stephanie is like, well, our son plays baseball. It's like, well, I've never played. But had I played, I probably would have been the best of the world at it because there's the world capital of baseball. So naturally, if you play baseball, he'll be the best in the entire world, which is why the MLB is known for all of its Australian baseball players. Dan and Steph are looking at the outer suburbs of Melbourne, about an hour east. The rental market, no matter where you are, is it an all-time peak?

Kind of like my sex life, because I'm Lucas. I'm one hot motherfucker, and I'm here in Melbourne. Call me, you might see my face on a bus bench, in which case I suggest you sit on it. All right? Orgies are like sports in Melbourne, and as we all know, Melbourne is the world capital of sports. What I'm trying to say is the best orgies in the world are in Melbourne, and I'm in every single one of them. At the moment, our vacancy rate is 0.08. Do you understand what that means? It means we're the top. We are the top in vacancies. The best in vacancies.

Australia is the best vacancy rate in the world. You know, 0.08 is also my blood alcohol content when I made myself sleep on Dan's futon and we got married afterwards. It's also the amount of seconds I spend a day thinking I should get a job. Or I got it past this quick. Or I should cut my man bun. 0.08 seconds considering that. Dan's like, all right, here's what I'm looking for in a home. I want it to, I'm looking for simplicity, all right, because I'm the cleaner of the house.

So anything I can just take a paper towel to, we'll do. I hate this demand. You want like a simple boring house, mainly because you're going to be the one cleaning it. I don't think the house should suffer because of your laziness. And let me tell you, it does. And I can guarantee you that Stephanie cleans his house anyway. This man will wipe off a sink after he gets some toothpaste on it and want a fucking gold metal. That's why she wants to have two sinks.

So Stephanie says, Dan's also a crazy dreamer, and I am not. For instance, he keeps thinking that that man bun is going to turn into a ponytail. And we all know it has reached the end of its life. Okay. I just want something affordable. As you can probably see, no one's better than this family. It's settling than me. So just anything.

Just please. I'm paying for it. So just anything. Or I will. Oh, Nolan's like, I know we can't spend a trillion dollars on a house, but I'm hoping for a space that I can play my drums. Oh, hell no.

Oh, for fuck's sake. You're a drum player. Whatever goodwill Nolan had is gone. So he wants drums. So then Stephanie says, Nolan, your neighbors are already going to hate you for being an American. And the first thing you're going to do is get a set of drums in there. Come on.

But he does redeem himself because later on in the episode, we see him with his drums. And they're like the electric padded ones. They don't make noise. So it's like, okay, I will give you a pass, but not until later. Because until then, I'm going to be mad at you. So then Stephanie is saying that she wants to read bedrooms because she wants to have a, a home office. And then Lucas is like,

oh, and so when you at work, where is that? And she's like, Ridgewood, but also we, like, really want to be close

to, like, the Knox baseball club, because they do baseball all year round. What I like about this is that they feed the delusions of these little boys

into thinking that they'll have a career in this. And then finally, they'll enter the workforce like the rest of us. So, a wish list, close to work, and near baseball.

So Dan's like, yeah, it'd also be, real nice to have a big backyard because you know I want to play baseball with the kids. It's important to teach your kids that they can achieve your dream. I mean, look at me. I'm living off a woman, so

it's pretty much all I've ever wanted to. So, winners, winter circle. Wish list. Big backyard for baseball. Also, do you get my two sinks in there? Two sinks for baseball. We tend to have different tastes. I like character.

And on the screen we see, wish list, character. Well, I want simple, simple, easy to clean. You know, and I need a dishwasher and hardwood floors because carpet is disgusting. I hate carpet. Okay. Just want hardwood floors everywhere. Wish lists, simple and clean for baseball. So then Stephanie says, well, you know, happy husband, happy life. I'm like, I don't think that's how the phrase goes, but that's okay. So then Lucas is like, all right. So that is not the saying. Oh, he even says it. She says happy, I've been happy, all right. That is not the saying, okay?

Is there anything specific that's a bit of a deal breaker? Okay, because I'm, I would be shocked if there is a deal breaker, considering that you're living with this man with a man, one. She goes, well, I've talked to your husband for five minutes, and I'm shocked that you haven't come up with 20 yet. And they're sitting at this like, Cafe and Lucas is sitting so far from the table eating his salad. I'm like, could you please scoot in a little bit? You're going to get a stain.

So then they want too bad. They want two bathrooms, but they only want to spend $2,000 a month, at which point, Lucas is like, am I being punked? Is this happening? Is Aishin Kutcher going to come out from behind the fast casual counter over there and say, I'm being punked like Justin Timberlake? Am I that famous already? Like, get to be unpunct. Yeah, well, we could go more, but with me not work and that could be a problem. Yeah, so go to work.

I'm not going to let up on this man. This whole episode is making me fucking crazy. Your son is old. He doesn't eat anything. He's practically old. enough to vote. If there was a war, they'd ship him off. Okay, you can get a job for fuck's sake. So, Lucas is like, well, if they want me to stick, if they want me to stick to $2,000 and they want to be close to working, close to Nolan's baseball, I mean, that's a huge thing. So you know how many

people ask me? I want to be right down the street from Knox Baseball Club. All right, it's a lot of people. Then they're not going to get what they want in the home. It's as simple as that. It is as simple as that. I'm not giving these people dick, all right? baseball club is the most valuable real estate in all of Australia. Okay, it is the, it is the world capital of the real estate in the world capital of sports. Well, Lucas's first option isn't about the house itself. It's more about where it's located, which he's found a spot somewhere deep in the ocean, so that way these people don't have to invade their island. Wow. Boronia is in a crackling, and it's in a crack in position for work, five minutes away from

work, Boronia, all right? There's probably a pit bull on every, behind a chain link fence and every house, and you could die here very young, all right, gunshots at night, trash on the streets, it's going to be great, you're going to love it. Now, I just want to remind everyone, the neighborhood's called Baronia, not to be confused what people say when they see Stephanie's shirt, which is boring, yuck. Boringia, or over there. It's boronia, baronia. Why won't nobody a phonia? Okay, it's probably because of your shit.

And it's two minutes to baseball. And Dan's like, awesome. We love baseball. God, I really love baseball. Well, the backyard is massive, nice for baseball. But the house itself leaves a little bit to be desired, but I mean, you guys know that because that's the same with both of you. So anyway, the character's really here.

So come on it. Let's come look at this. I love Lucas's honesty. He's like, well, the house leaves a little bit desired. You know, one thing that's come out of a miracle that I like is Grand Theft Auto played it. It's basically characters like that living in a neighborhood, all right? So just imagine lots of stupid people without jobs in the street, walking all over the place, shooting at each other. That's where you're going to be living if you choose right here in Borrome.

So then a male person drives by on a scooter and he's like, oh, look at that. Look at that male person on a scooter. You have a person like that. Back in Alaska? No, because if they did, they get eaten by bears. Well, it's a real yes-and moment from you. Thanks a lot, bro. He goes, what do you reckon?

Actually, the mail person, he said, you got posties like that? Which I really like. He's like, hi, Posty. You got posties like that. I like that. I'm going to start using that with my posty. And I'll be like, hey, Posty, could you maybe put the packages up here instead of down the middle of the street? I've got a hot mail, man.

which is very exciting. You do? He's hot. I want a hot mailman. He's just like a tall hot mailman. Um, right. I don't, I mean, you just sort of see him on the sidewalk. I was like, isn't it funny that we have a hot mailman?

So, um, then we see house number one. It's got character, quote unquote character. And by character, it actually has no character whatsoever. It's just a brick house. Um, three beds, one bath. big yard short commute it's actually like not bad um it's small uh but there's like for how small it looks on the outside it has a surprisingly open vibe on the inside i found you know wooden floors has the sort of like um layout that sort goes in a circle the real the real issue is the the bathroom

that's where they have a they have a big issue because the bathroom is like there's only one bathroom and they wanted to have two. And then this bathroom, the toilet is in its own sort of like subroom, like a stall. But then there's like this weird. There's a bath. But then there's a shower. And it's sort of like a little strange. I personally didn't think it was like a terrible bathroom, but they were really upset by it.

Well, it was really small when you're going to have three people crammed in there before church. Yeah. You know, trying to get ready. You know, mom's trying to iron out or smock. And dad's trying to get his man bun up there. And Lucas is in the mirror just saying baseball over and over to himself. until his dream comes true. So it's a tiny bathroom for all of that.

Yeah, Dan is, he's going on. He has a real thing with carpet. He's like bringing Alaska trauma because he's like, I hate carpet because growing up in a rainforest and always tracking it mud and grime, it's just impossible to keep it clean. Like, well, take your shoes off outside before you walk in. I don't know.

What do you want me to tell you, you know? Yeah. And at one point, the mom's like, well, you know, this doesn't really have room for a drum kit. And the Guss goes, drums, that wasn't on the brief. Now we've got a fucking drummer. How many dreams are you allowing this child to have? I mean, isn't it bad that he's going to, isn't it bad enough?

He's going to already fail at baseball. Now he's got to fail at drumming. All right. Here's a dream we need to get inside of your child playing video games and eating hamburgers. I mean, baseball and drums, how many things do this kid have to hit with a stick? So. What's next? Is it going to open a piñata company?

I mean, come on. So they look, they're walking through, and I like this. At one point, Lucas goes to the left, to the left. And, you know, people at HGTV are like, okay, that's as much as we can include of him singing before we get sued by Beyonce. I know none of you gay enough to know this, but I basically just broke up with your entire family. All right.

So they're looking and Stephanie's like, well, I don't know. It's a little smaller than what we're used to. You want to spend $2,000 per month for a month. for a three-bedroom two-bathroom house in the suburbs. Ma'am, you are a little bit smaller in what you think you can achieve. A little smaller than we're used to. I mean, can we not go over quotes from our wedding night? That would be nice.

All right. Now, listen, I chose this house because it's close to everything. It's not really about the house this one. It's about location. The house is shit. The family that lives here has unachievable dreams. the dance a dead beat. But guess what?

You're close to baseball. Do you want to see the baseball bathroom now? It's time. We talked about it. Now we're going to go into it. So they walk in and they're like, oh my God. They're like, well, at least the toilet's separate. Oh, my God.

It's so small. And Dan is like, one sink we're going to share with a teenager. What are we going to do? So she's like, yeah, well, we might have to put a timer on. the bathroom. Like, you get 10 minutes, buddy. That's all you get. All right. I'll pretend to be Nolan. I'm like, hey, mom and dad. What's going on? Oh, okay. Well, um, it's really a big bummer that there's only one bathroom. All right. So the role playing is done here. I'm trying to have a good episode here, but these fucking amateurs won't give it to me. Can I get some better pool people

in here, please? I mean, it's bad enough that I don't have money. Can they have some jokes? Yeah, it's just a real big bummer that there's only one bathroom, you know? Like, I mean, living with two males, that's like a different level of cleanliness, you know? That's just a lot to deal with, especially with Dan tracking in all his, all his rainforests, mud everywhere. Come on, don't bring that up again, okay? It's hard enough for me to think about it. But she doesn't do any cleaning. You get that?

She's complaining about cleaning. She's not the one who's got to do the cleaning. This broad, am I right? So now they look at a small bedroom, and that could be an office space for her. her and then they like the flow. The flow is surprisingly good for this space. I was like, I was thinking it would be a much worse flow,

but the flow's okay. Kitchen's okay, but the dishwasher, there's no dish, we get this whole thing. It's like, he's like, it's missing something. He's like, what's there? The dishwasher's standing in the kitchen.

That's you, dummy. You can scrub that plate while you think of the baseball career you never had. That's my favorite couple joke. I'm like, hey, do you guys have a dishwasher? Sure do. He's standing right in front of you. My husband.

It's classic. It hits every time. It slats. Yeah. So Dan's like, what? There's a washer in the laundry room. Okay, well, that's a little quirky. I mean, I really look at the functionality because I'm trying to make everything easy.

And they've got a dishwasher in a laundry room. I mean, that's just cringy. That is just cring. That just gave me the ick. That's like a man bun on a dad who doesn't have the hair. to support it. Right? Just cringy.

It is actually weird. Like that dishwasher being like the laundry room is next to the kitchen, but you sort of have to like go around a corner. So every time you want to put dishes in dishwasher, it's sort of weird to not have it right next to your sink where you can just sort of. Yeah. But also what are you going to do? Like rinse them off and then carry them into the other room to put them in.

It's weird. They shouldn't ever. I would actually just swap by the house for that. Or just be like, okay, we'll buy a dishwasher and put it in, like do some renovations. Yeah, I don't know, but I don't know that there's room in there. But I'll tell you where there is room. Hey, little one who probably won't amount to anything. Go get your baseball bat because it's practiced on.

Look at this backyard. Look at all these neighbors. You can knock balls into their windows. Like, nobody wants you playing baseball in the backyard. Do you people fucking nuts? Are you concerned that your neighbors won't be able to tell that you're American enough? Well, guess what? You can come out here and be loud and play lots of baseball

and break all their windows. And then you can go running inside when you see a big spider and say, oh my God, we don't have spiders like that in the USA. Well, the rest of us say, pussies. Wow, you weren't kidding.

This backyard is massive. What do you think, mate? Well, it's awesome. I mean, you could almost hit back here. You could almost hit back here. What do you mean? You could almost hit. You got to put your hips into it

and just go bang, you know? It's like, have you ever started an orgy before? It's just simple as one, two, three. Listen, I'm good at everything. What can I say? Except for finding two bedroom houses. All right, bitch. Or two bathroom houses, because you're not really good at that, are you?

I'm kind of feeling at that one. You know what? I bought you two salads from Kava, and this is how you repay me? I don't think so, okay? I know this wasn't a home run. That's baseball for you dumb-dums. But it's only $2,000 a month, and we're close to everything, including your failed dreams of being a baseball player, young one.

I know it's a home run, but I'm talking to a family of strikeouts. All right. So, so Lucas is like, well, the compromise has to come. It scares me holding that bat. All right. Can you just take that bat down? Can you just like not, not, put that bad down? You're going to hit me, aren't you?

Americans are very violent. So now it's time to go to the next house, everybody. So we see them kind of doing stuff around town. And Dan's like, well, we found out some research that they really value work-life balance in Australia. So there was a possibility that she could do what she wanted and not have to work 75 hours a week. And then if I was going to work zero times a week, I could still work less than zero times a week. So I was really, I love this place already. Yeah, my visa says I can work 38 and a half hours a week.

I mean, it's really amazing. But I do have a mandated 10 hours of did you redo. So, all right. get to practicing that. Win some, you lose some. We told Nolan, you got to start learning how to play with an Australian baseball bat, which turns out to be just a didgeridoo also. All right.

Well, oh, sorry. Moving abroad is definitely one of those bucketless dreams for me, you know? Because I've been thinking about work-life balance for my wife, you know, and Nolan could play baseball all year round. This is so worth it. I'm giving up nothing. God, I love this. Stephanie's like, you know, every little boy's dream is I'm going to play for the MLB.

I want to play for the MLB. Let's move far away from Chicago. I don't want to be close to Chicago. Every little boy's dream, especially when you name them after a famous baseball player and force them to play baseball from the time they're one and a half months old, is that they want to join the MLB and fulfill their parents' dreams. And that's just what Nolan's going to do for us. So we made sure to take them to a city that has no MLB teams in it.

And we'll never see an MLB team. We love this. We love this for him. Yeah. So they go play at the park and practice, guess what? Baseball. And Dan's like, I'm just bubbling with excitement. I'm trying to temper it down so they're not annoyed because they're both going through a lot more stress with it than I am.

I can't imagine why. They're worried about things, school, work, worried about ball, ball, baseball. I'm gonna have a famous son. So he's like, yeah, I'm just bubbling, bubbling with excitement. So she says, well, I'm feeling really relieved that Dan isn't working for the first few months, and then the next few months after that, and probably the next few months after that. Maybe a year after that, too, and then maybe another year after that as well. I'm just so relieved because he just keeps getting fired and just nice to not have to go through that emotional journey.

He can just stay unemployed, and he can clean up like, I don't know, every time he spills some gatorade somewhere. He says unfortunately that means less money that we would normally have. And Dan goes, yeah, well, I'd be happy to spend a little bit more money to have a dream spot. You're not working. Be quiet. I can't say it enough. So she's like, well, just trying to give us the best Australian start, honey. We don't want to waste all our money that we don't have right now.

Yeah, you know, he's like, well, can you elaborate what that means? You know, being able to have money saved when stupid stuff happens like a car breaks down. because you know who put the you know what and the wrong you know thing what the time you put the wrong gas in the tank can't do you remember that we're stranded in the snowstorm for six hours in alaska not going to do that again it sugar can make our kid run for a block or two why can they make the cargo a little further can't the number of keys you attract to our gas tank was inconceivable not going to happen again he's like well i feel modern would be more functional than anything I really like modern, modern things.

Yes, as we can tell by his wardrobe. So, well, Luke's like, well, he's happy to spend more money. And since Dan's staying home with Nolan, I think he deserves a house that he wants to live in. But it's a long way from town, which actually may be a good thing, because I don't know if I'd want to have Dan showing up in town in front of all my neighbors. Bad thing for Dan. Good thing for town. We're on the outskirts of Lillydale, which is what I hear also is what Dan was called, as a child.

And he says that it's 35 minutes. It's 35 minutes from baseball. It's like 30 minutes, 35 minutes from baseball from work. That's long. I do have to say, why is it? And mentally, I think 30 minutes from work. I'm like, no big deal. But 30 minutes from baseball is more annoying.

I think it's because it's like baseball is only for like two hours. So you have to go all the way over there. It's come out. And then all the way. Yeah, you have to find something to do while he's a baseball. And she's always going to get stuck doing it, you know. So she's going to have to go from work to pick him up. And then she's going to have to sit there and wait while he's a baby.

Although they're probably the kind of parents who do all the practices. You know, they probably show up in there. God damn it. Move it, Nolan. Jesus. Why are you letting that guy take over? He's a fat son of a bitch. He's a fucking moron wussy.

Don't let him get you. guys, this is a practice. Please get off the field. That being said, I mean, I think we all grew up with people who, like, did sports, and they would have to drive 30 minutes to wherever they had to go. So get over it, fuckers. I mean, 30 minutes is kind of everywhere here. It takes me 30 minutes.

I think I live two miles from you or something like that. Like I looked on the map. I lived like 2.5 miles from you, but it takes 30 minutes to get to your house. And I always thought, well, that's not too far. But I never gone as far. It feels far. In real life practice, it feels far. You just get used to going 30 minutes away.

My experience with the commutes is that you just, they become part of your routine. You build that time in. And it's just, that's just how it goes. To have a really good house, it's worth it. Yeah, I think so. But, you know, that's me. So they're bitching about the drive already. And he's like, yeah, but you've got full bedrooms,

three bathrooms. I mean, you've got a bathroom each. That's amazing. None of you will have to accidentally run into a family member's Fupa. So I mean, I think that's worth the drive, don't you? More drive less trauma. Right. Then she's like, well, that's exciting. And then Lucas says, yes, but there's one little issue. Dun, don't, ton, it's going to cost you a bit more. Suckers. $400. More $2,400. She's like, oh, that's a little more than I'm comfortable with, you know, it's like, well, I'm, you're wearing a shirt that I'm a little more than I'm comfortable with seeing. And I'm okay with it. So basically, that's expensive for them. It's $400 above their budget. And Dan's like, you can see my blood pressure ratched up a little bit as soon as she found out

the price. Oh my God. She's, well, it's not just the money. The house is also really far from my work. And Nolan's baseball. His very important baseball. Yeah, but this is a really, really nice house. And Dan's like, oh, my God, look at the view. I don't say anything on even need to see again. Oh, stop facing us. You need to look out the window. Oh, you're right.

That's why I brought you. Look at this view. It's like on a hill. It's all this beautiful green. This one's really nice. Like, I think the exterior is actually a little ugly, but even though it's supposed to be nice, I think I don't love the exterior, but who cares?

It's nice. There's this like tile throughout, which I actually kind of think is cool. It looks like the sort of tile you'd see on a counter, but it's on the floor. And I kind of like that. That's on the first floor, but then you go out of the second floor.

There's a kitchen and a fun layout in terms of living space and kitchen and dining room and all that. It's like a 70s house. It's kind of like there's exposed brick walls. And it's like very 70s vibe, but it's pretty cool for this thing. Yeah, there's a dishwasher.

But the thing is it's actually a bit too big. It's like four bedroom. three bathrooms. So, and on top of that, it's like $400 over budget. They go into one bedroom at some point. And this is my favorite part. Dan goes, is that a Wu-Tang sign? And she's like, it looks like a Wu-Tang sign.

He'll love that. Like, Jaden will love that, or whatever the kid, Lucas, whatever the kid's name is. Nolan. Jaden. And then we see on screen after they say, there's a Wu-Tang sign. The Wu-Tang Clan is a New York City hip-hop group. I was like, tell me your broadcasting

to an older generation without telling you. me. Well, I mean, it's not like the Woothing clan is exactly current. That's true, but it just was so funny. Like, this is what the Wutang clan is, everyone. So now they go look at Nolan's bathroom. That's really nice. Stephanie, they check out the other bathroom.

She's got two sinks because she wants her own bathroom. She doesn't want to have to share it with her husband who, I mean, who can blame her. and she's like, I can have a morning sink and an evening sink. Okay, can we do that with your smocks? Can we at least change the smocks up in between houses? Come on. And now, Dan's like, I'll stop to clean it, even though it's not my bathroom. I hope she realizes how lucky she is.

She can focus on her career 100%. While I take care of Nolan, that is one lucky woman. Yeah, wow. I look at Dan, and I think she's so lucky. thin ice. How can anyone be as lucky as Stephanie to wind up with Dan and his man bun? So they had to the backyard and it's nice. It's like over, it's on a hill. It looks like one of those in the hills, but it's a very small backyard. And they think that, you know, it's not big enough for baseball, okay? But the dad loves this place. I mean, this is definitely the nicest place they see, I think. And she's, like, you know, it's what we're looking for.

And he goes, yeah, a little small in the yard. But that's just nitpicky. I mean, come on. We can justify spending a little more money, Stephanie. All you need to do is get another drop, Stephanie. Come on, Stephanie. But it's so far from baseball. And the commute to work is so hard.

He's like, wait, wait, it's like, on my side. And Dan's like, well, I am. But like, you know, just got, I don't know. I just know what I go home to at night. This one here, am I right? Smokky-Mexmocker face. So then we see. Stephanie and Dan playing catch

and Lucas goes, throw it out his head. Throw it out his head. I love Lucas. He's not even hiding his disdain for these people. He's one of the best realtors they've had on the show. He goes, all right, where we're going to next? Compromise, Tim. It's going to be cheaper and closer.

Compromise down. So now they are ordering coffee at a truck and Stephanie is like, I would like a flat white with soy milk. Like, isn't that the one who's standing next to you? You already married him. He's like, yeah, you know,

I'm probably the only person in Melbourne that doesn't drink coffee. It's just, oh God, moving to Australia, the craziest thing we've ever done. It's just so drastic, you know, leaving a place where we've got security, rain, family we hate, oh God, moving here. I mean,

they have coffee and trucks here. This is, crazy. Nolan's like, I'm worried about trying to make friends. And I know, poor Nolan, innocent victim and all this. Nolan is so sweet. Why are his parents take, if you want to be in the MLB, why are they taking Nolan so far away from the MLB? Like, why do they not like go someplace where you can see a bait like an MLB game or go to like a baseball, like an MLB baseball camp? And like, why is, why are Florida and Chicago so off the, off the, off the, off the, off the, off the, off the table for them? I just don't understand this. I don't know. It's sad. Little Nolan's like, but I have a chance, right? Like you do. Let's go to Catch a Hatchie.

So Dan is like, you know, he's 12. So we do this now or we don't, we don't want to do it when he's a teenager because that's really challenging, you know, it's really best to do it when a kid's at their least awkward when they're 12 years old. important for us to move him away from baseball opportunities exactly at the time when he might be wanting to lean into them the most in his life. But don't worry, there's a park in Knoxland, Melbourne, where he can play a pickup game with some kids. Dan's like, wow, Stephanie's career means a lot to her. And if she doesn't perform well, there's a possibility we're going to pack up back to the states with our tail between her legs. And guess what? My arms are going to be in the air. And I'm going to say, not my fault.

Okay. Blame dummy over there. I can't wait to go back to the United States and order some round white coffees and so these flat whites. So they go to the next house and Steph is the sole provider for the time being

and by the time being I mean the rest of her life. So her focus is on practicality and price and try not to look at Dan's terrible man bun. Before Dan looks for a teaching job though, his responsibility will be straddling Nolan to school and baseball. and wiping up the random Gatorade spills he has around the house,

and then acting like he did something heroic. And when it comes to home, he's not afraid to swing for the fences. And by swing, I mean, that in all senses of the word. All right, this is a nice compromise for him, but they're going to still clash heads. All right, and how can he not with those heads? God, best thing they could do is clash them up against walls. We've got lots of walls for them to bang the heads up against here. All right, we're off to Glenn Waverly.

30 minutes to baseball, 25 minutes to Ringwood for Steph's work and a lifetime away from any kind of familial success. Right. So they've shaved five minutes off the commute and five minutes off of baseball. I don't think that's that big of the difference. But they're in a big beautiful suburb. There's a big backyard. Three bedroom, two bathrooms. And Lucas is like, well, this does lack a little bit of character, but, you know, it's you too, right?

smock paloosa am i right so you're gonna love the inside me who doesn't am i right hey it's not like you got the smocks at neiman marcus am i right so i don't think character's too much of an issue for you all right here we go there's a loud dog howl did you hear that all right it's pet friendly you basically have dogs surrounding you on all sides all right now the reason i pick this home for you is you're going to be very comfortable what a home. So we see the home. It's a very modern open floor. It's a very pretty house actually. It's it's way too nice for that. It was my favorite. You don't deserve this house. It was my favorite. This is totally your style. But also it was like only $100 over budget. It had the room that they needed.

It had the space. It was updated. It was clean like because the thing is this they kept asking for character. Not these houses had character. They were all sort of actually no. The second one had had some character but like this was not usually when people say character they usually want like something that's vintage that has like interesting like craft work that's put into it like handiwork or you know artisanal whatever artistry um none of these really had that um and so i thought as long as you're going to get a generic box this is the box that you should get like it's it's only a little bit just sort of it hits all the it hits it checks all the boxes a little far from everything else, but like, there's an open shot case for me.

Well, this one was a bit weird because there was no fridge. They're like, there's no fridge at all. Like, where do we even put the fridge? It's another one where the homes don't have a fridge or a space for the fridge, which is pretty weird. And she's like, well, it's over what we wanted to spend. Now, Stephanie, it's $100. $100, okay.

Like, come on. Like, you'll be able to do that. And Lucas goes, come on. You ever heard of credit? God fucking loses Help me get you into a house So they They walk in and then

They're looking at rooms And then there's one and Lucas Now Nolan there's a sock on the door No one's like What does that mean? All right we're going to pause this episode That we can have a talk with Nolan real quickly Because of Lucas aren't real too

Also his room would have a sliding glass door in it, which they're worried, you know, that he could run away. I can guarantee you Nolan is not running away. He's not. To do anything. Okay. You'll be lucky if Nolan has people to go run away with. You should be thinking the Lord that Nolan will finally sneak out at some point. You know, I want that for Nolan. I actually look at Nolan. I'm like, God, I hope he finds some bad kids to go run around this town. Yeah. So then they're looking at some other place, another part. They're in a closet and there's carpet in the closet. So Dan's like, well, what do you think about the carpet. I mean, what if we track mud onto this carpet? She goes, yeah, it's strange

to have carpet in a closet. I mean, the robot might get stuck. I'm like, if you guys don't buy this house because of a Rumba consideration, I will be furious. It's like, well, you know, it's kind of expensive. Then we have to buy a fridge. I mean, come on. And Lucas is like, oh, my God, she's already gotten ahead that Nolan's going to scheme to sneak out of the house with that sliding glass door. I mean, God, the kid's 12. I didn't stop banging chicks until I was 14. I mean, come on. What does he an early start? Have you seen the kid? It's not like this kid's going to be rocking. Don't let the door come a knocking. I mean, come on. Although we are in the orgy capital of the world, as I previously stated, so you never know. All right. So they're like, okay,

the commute time kind of sucks. Now, the husband really likes the, the second house. And we know what Stephanie wants. She wants to cheat. She does. And so they're like, so who's going to win here? And Dan goes,

let's see who can win the stubborn battle. And Stephanie points to herself. And Lucas is like, this is going to come down to cost, distance, and smock strength. And of course, they chose the worst house of all,

house number one, the house that has no character. But I guess they probably want to play baseball in the backyard because they're a baseball obsessed. And they, And they, we see them in the kitchen. They're, they're fine.

And basically they're like, well, thankfully there was like the toilet situation. The fact that the toilet is like in its own stall makes life a little bit easier. So, yeah, they're generally happy. I just knew they were going to choose that shitty house. I knew it. They did it. And it kind of made sense once we saw the clip of them like where they are now. You know, it's like six months later or whatever.

The husband still has no plan to work. And I think they're using an ironing board for them. their dining room table. It's like, okay, well, this is, this makes sense. This is you guys. It tracks. Well, anyway, thanks everyone for listening. Again, if you want to send in a suggestion, email us at watch or crappins at gmail.com and put dwell hello suggestion in your subject line and try to find an episode that's on HBO Max or YouTube TV and not any other paywall. Thanks so much for being here and we'll catch you on the next one. Hi.

Hi, everybody.