Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello: Influencer in Colorado

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

In this episode of House Hunters (Volume 8, S182E10), an influencer tries to find a house back home in Colorado that will fit the gigantic new persona she's adopted while living in Chicago. Her husband just wants to shoot a few arrows in a big basement. Thankfully for us, their realtor hates them both on sight. We found this episode on Discovery Plus!Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello, welcome to Dwell Hello. I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Good. Everybody, if you're listening to this, it means you are listening to us on Wondry Plus. So thank you so much for the support.

We love being over here on Wondry Plus. And even more, we love bringing back our Dwell Hello House Hunters podcast. Now, this episode, this episode. episode that we are covering today, we found on the Discovery Plus app, okay? Because we both have that anyway. This is in volume 8 of House Hunters. It's season 182, episode 10. Now, these are hard to find because, as we say on every episode, every network, for whatever reason, lists them with different episode and season numbers. But if you're on Discovery Plus, that's it. Volume 8, Season 182, Episode 10.

Or you could just Google the title of the episode, Influencer in Colorado. Let's see where that takes you. But we try to do these recaps in a way that you don't have to watch these episodes. There's a million of these episodes. We just like making fun of Randos. So that's why we're here. Yep, that's exactly correct. And they're all funny.

And they're all, like, very easy targets of ridicule, it turns out. Yeah. So anyway, welcome. This is called Influencer in Colorado. It was my choice to pick today. I saw the word influencer. And then I saw that she was wearing a big stupid jacket and really tried too hard with her hair and that her eyeliner wasn't quite right. And I said, this is my kind of episode, you know? Yeah. Well, it is funny. I mean, yeah, anytime you go on to one of these shows and describe yourself as an influencer, we're already going to root against you. Although I have to say, I think by the end of the episode, I kind of switched over to her side versus her husband. It's not really about side. It's just like even if you are an influencer, let's say you're an influencer with a million followers. Okay. And I say, hey, what do you do? Now, if you say, I play baseball, like maybe you're just someone who's really good at, like, community baseball, and that's what makes you a fun influencer.

If you say anything but the word influencer, I'm going to be okay. But if you tell me I'm an influencer, I think my first thought, and I'm assuming everyone's first thought, is fuck you. Go fuck yourself. What a stupid fucking job title, an influencer. Well, I just feel like it's, I know, I know. I feel like I'm kind of resisting the fact that there are like legitimate jobs where people are influencers. But there's just something about the name influencer because it implies that you have influenced and that you have influence. And I kind of feel like influencer is a term that.

we, the influenced, we grant that to the people who have influenced us. It's not up for me to say, hey, guess what? I'm an influencer now. It's like, you have to influence people first. And I don't know how much this girl is influenced people. Yeah. That's like an I'll be the judge of that title. Like you don't get to call yourself that. There was a guy on Peacock that both made us crazy. And I was looking at his bio and I was like, why does he make me so crazy? And I saw it clear his day. He calls himself a thought leader. Go fuck yourself. Who? Now, do I? Quentin, yes. Now, do I know that that's a legit thing that people call themselves? Of course, but that's like a fuck you thing to call yourself. Like, I'm not going to respect you if you say you're an influencer or if you are a thought leader, okay? I will be the judge of that, sir and ma'am, respectively.

Yes, respectively. So this episode opens up with Linda doing her narration. Kayla's a fashion influencer who's reluctantly agreed to move back to her and her husband's hometown in Colorado since he wants more space now that they both work from home. But Ben thinks that room for his hobbies is more important than her luxuries.

So she's already kind of on Kayla's side on this. Like you can tell with Linda's voice. Like she's mocking Ben. Like, oh, look at Ben, the stupid man with his stupid hobbies, which, in her defense, it's like archery in the house. Okay. So like I get it. But we're discounting something here. We're just leaving something out of this. And I'm assuming Linda's leaving it out because it's a visual show and we can all see this with our eyes. But Ben is fucking hot. If Ben wants to do archery in the goddamn kitchen while I'm trying to microwave some mac and cheese, he can do so. Ben is gorgeous. Ben can do whatever the fuck he wants to.

I don't know. I mean, I thought he was, I don't even remember what he looks like. like, and I just watched the show two hours ago. It's my favorite kind of guy. I love a boring guy dockers, just like a boring guy. Like, if he robbed a bank and people said, give us a description, you couldn't, because you just don't remember, you know? Like, you think you had a good date, and then you're like, but what did he look like? And his face is just fuzzy in my head. God, I find that attractive. I'm looking, I'm Googling right now, because I need to get a fresh visual on him right now because I and there's like

none there's oh oh well but her Instagram has popped up oh I have it I have it ready to go you're on her Instagram now K space A space Y space L space A Kayla okay yeah see fuck off you can fuck off with the spelling of your Instagram too you know what I mean like everything about her is just like

fuck off to me okay now there's some interesting things here first of all Because she describes herself. She's like, I'm an influencer with like thousands of thousands of thousands of followers. So she's got 32,000 followers. I think that's healthy. I'm not going to diserfollow level. I mean, I don't know as far as an influencer how many you're supposed to have.

I would imagine more, but you can always get more. And I think that's a good amount. I will say very unhealthy obsession. I think she's very insecure about her face. because she's always trying to wear Kardashian sunglasses. She's trying to, like, have that Kardashian. I'm in the sunglasses and real tight pony look at all times. Yeah.

I mean, I have to say I'm a little impressed with this Instagram account because based on her look and vibe on House Hunters, I thought it was, this is going to be a very sad fashion influencer account. But actually, there's a lot of like very chic photos, but she has this real obsession with underlit picks. she's like, give me a photo and then let me put like a gray filter on it. Do you notice this? I think. They're all kind of dark. Yeah, they are all kind of dark. I was wondering if it's because I'm looking on my computer and not my phone.

But then she does have bright ones because then she has ones where she's with her husband, who by the way, fucking hot. Okay, do you think he's hot or here? It's her husband. I mean, the guy's hot. No, I don't because, no, because I can't see his face. I love that. Yeah, I love it. Wait, okay, here's a video. I'm going to look at the video.

It's their Christmas card. Blame it on the mistletoe. Wishing you and yours, a very Merry Christmas. I mean, he's fine. He's like a nice looking Christmas. Yeah, he's fine. He's nice. Fuck, yeah, he is. Oh, by the way, blame the mistletoe is what I'm going to say when I meet your husband and make out with him.

Right in front of you. I'm going to blame the mistletoe. But yeah, she covers her face a lot in sunglasses. And then when she is showing her face without sunglasses, she's always looking away so her face is half covered or she's something she's got a weird insecurity which makes me feel kind of bad about making fun of her but

look at that it's already gone so that's no it's gone because that's not a real insecure no no that's just the thing that influencers do like there are some people who like whenever they take a photo they always put their they like put their hand over their face or they turn away it's like they don't want

to give you everything so you keep coming back looking for more and it's like it's so affected, it's so like, look, like, it's so deliberate that it kind of actually bothers me. And another thing I'm noticing, this could just really all be about her Instagram, but another thing I'm noticing as I go through this is how she goes through faces of different things. Like, for a little while, she's like, you know what I'm into right now? Coffee cups. Like, just like, I'm holding coffee. I just got coffee. I'm about to get coffee. I'm on my way from the coffee place. And then she moves into, like,

man button down work shirts like suit shirts and boots. She's just like, I'm going to wear a man's work shirt and boots. And that's going to be my style for the next month. Yeah. And then she, if you scroll really far down, you enter her glove phase where she looks a little bit like she's doing some sort of like, you know, community theater cabaret production. Like she's sort of crouched down. She's got this black glove out.

Well, this was a year ago. So the glove picture is 50 weeks ago. So it's almost a year ago. And this is right around this time. I don't want to read all the comments. But I think this is right around the time somebody said, stop showing your whole face. Who does that?

Because this is the last picture of her face that you see on this whole thing. Like if we hadn't scroll down 50 weeks, I wouldn't even know who this girl is. Yeah. And then if you keep scrolling beyond, it, her face obscured again. So she, like, for a moment, was like, you know what? I'm showing my face.

And then she probably did not get the response that she had wanted. So she's now gone back to obscuring it. Okay, so let's get on with this recap. But I'm with you in that I was more impressed with this

than I thought I would be. I was like, oh, this was going to be embarrassing. But it was pretty good. Yeah, I thought it was going to be like, a, I thought it was going to be like, uh, someone in their kitchen, showing up their Mackenzie's child stuff, like showing off some sort of thing that they got from like Sheehan or whatever. So I was like, oh, no, she's like, you know what?

Good for her. Good for Kayla. And, you know, she does do, you know, very hopeful posts. Like, she'll post like Gucci. And you're like, no. Or she's like, you say Laurent. Like, yeah. Unsponsored post. You know, she has a lot of those. But she also eats a whole loaf of, uh, bread in bed.

So, like, she has Sarko-Reen bed. So I'm for her. Okay, so let's get all with this. Is it weird? It's a weird for me. Is it weird for me, is it closed-minded for me to think that a fashion influencer should be aspiring to live in, like,

New York, L.A. or Miami, as opposed to Fort Collins, Colorado. No, you can live wherever the fuck you want to now. Yes, it sure is. Okay. Good. That's what I was going for. Yeah, you can be wherever now. It doesn't really matter.

Actually, you're the dummy for even living in the place with the high taxes and the high rent, because you don't need to be there. Sucker! Let me tell you what the rest of us have. It's a little place called Chili's. Suck it, suck it, coasters. So, we're here in Fort Colorado, Fort Collins, Colorado. We meet Ben.

Ben is a consultant. and we meet Kayla. Kayla is a social media and art director for a gown designer. She's also a fashion influencer on social media with, as you said, thousands of followers.

Yeah, and I just wrote she's in a thrift store, Blackblazer. But whatever you say, lady, okay? And her first line is in the episode. She goes, This island is a great size, but these countertoms

I hate, and the hardware I hate. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm going to hate this person. I'm going to hate her. It's a perfect choice for an episode. Yeah, I thought I was going to really hate her. So they've been together for six years. They have a dog named Bella because, of course, they have a dog named Bella.

And Kayla's like, Ben is very laid back. And, like, I'm much more creative and, like, you're much more analytical, right? And he's like, yeah, sure. And they're staying with Ben's parents for a week in Fort Collins while they try to find a house. I don't know. Did they ever explain why there was such a time crunch on this search? They didn't. My guess is rent prices are very expensive and her career isn't bringing in tons of money yet or whatever. And he's like, I want to support you as Nymph can I say, but I also want babies. But there are those people that moved away from town.

They're like, yeah, we're moving to Chicago. We're moving to the big city. Suckers. And then they're coming back and she's pissed about it and they're still using Chicago accents like that's where they're from and especially her. She's doing it really thick. I'm like they don't talk like this in Colorado. Why are you acting like you've been in Chicago for like four years or whatever and now you have a really thick Chicago accent. Girl, come on now. Chicago's a great influencer. Chicago's an accent influencer apparently. So, um... And by the way, let it be known.

She does not want to move back. It is so clear about this episode. She wants to stay in Chicago. She is pissed because she keeps saying over and over, like, I agreed to come here before I was even ready to. So I should get the countertops that I want. Like, no, you should start making money at your damn influencer job. Okay? That's what she should get.

Because if you were making the real money from Yves Saint-Laure, who you post multiple times on this thing, you would be able to afford Matt Black, cabinets with gold hardware. It's on HGTV like every day. So you make an effort and you stop yelling at my beautiful, innocent, sweet hot Ben, who just wants to shoot arrows in peace. It just wants to shoot arrows in the basement like is Gina Davis. So they're staying at his parents' house, David and Rhonda. I was really excited for Rhonda to have a big role in this episode,

and she didn't. I was very sad. This is definitely Rhonda who didn't give a fuck. She's like, oh, God, well, our home is your home. Hate this bitch. Why didn't you let this bitch marry our son? Why? Okay.

Yeah. So, Kayla's like, well, so we currently live in Chicago, and we knew we eventually wanted to be back where our parents were for when we have kids. And, you know, if it was completely up to me, I would have stayed in Chicago for a few more years or decades. but long term, I think it'll be good. And it's just, you know, it's a tough adjustment for me. And Ben's like, yeah, well, I want an open floor plan, and I have to have a gas stove in my kitchen. That's the only thing I need, because that's like the only way to cook.

And I'm like, Ben, open your mouth and put it around mine because I love you. Can I ask you something? I need to interrupt this episode that is so far about nothing to ask you about something else that's inconsequential. What's going on with gas stoves? Every time, you know, I get my news from Twitter, right? And people are so upset about gas stoves. Like, I guess the Democrats are saying gas stoves are bad now. And so all the Democrats are like, no one in my house will eat anything cooked from a gas stove.

And then the Republicans are like, oh, yeah, fuck you. I'm cooking everything in my gas stove. And I'm like, we've brought our horrible politics and our horrible fucking attitudes with each other to the world of gas. stoves? Surely you can explain to me the controversy, please. I haven't been following it, but I think it has to do something for, like, how it has the gas has a link to childhood asthma and maybe, like, trying to separate away from use of fossil fuels and things like that. Okay, so I just Googled cooking with gas.

And also there, also, did you not learn anything from last week? Gas stoves are terrible. It's so terrifying. I can't look at the gas stoves. Yeah, it's just, look, we've always, especially as somebody who has watched HDTV forever, like my whole life since it started, gas stoves are like the way everybody wants a gas stove.

Always, always, always, until this week. So I just Googled Cooking with Gas, the New York Times, what to know about gas stove alternatives. The Washington Post, the gas stove debate is a battle. bigger than just our kitchens and Mother Jones. How, well, this is where you read, right, to really know the controversy. How the fossil fuel industry convinced Americans to love gas by Mother Jones.

You guys, get the fuck out of my kitchen. Keep your fighting outside. I deal with you guys yelling at each other all fucking year about every little thing. I can't like this because fucking Republicans love it and the Democrats. So I'm not supposed to like this. I'm not supposed to like that. Get the fuck out of my kitchen. already. You're not going to start doing this with gas stoves. I refuse. I refuse to engage,

even though I just gave it five minutes of my anger. Yeah, wow. That was, that was a, are you not noticing this? You don't see anything about this. You don't care. Well, I'm just, I haven't read enough about it. So I'm not going to rant until I've informed. And then I'll rant. But by the way, you'll be angry when you're told what to be angry about. I'm being mad when they tell me what I'm supposed to be bad about. No, no, I'll be mad when I actually read, because I'm already seeing headlines saying that no one's coming for your gas stoves and that this has been drummed up by people who are trying to inflame culture wars. So I'm not trying to also be part of that, too. Listen, I'm not being a part of anything.

I'm someone who opens the news and sees suddenly everybody's fighting about gas, okay? I'm not saying who's right or who's wrong. I don't give a fuck. Leave me alone. fucking get out of my kitchen. Just fight about something else. I feel like it's creepy. It creeps closer and closer all this shit, you know?

Let's just say it. It's like, that's the thing we're mad about right now, gas doves. Oh my God. Let's write me your letters. Yell at me in your letters. I don't care. Our friends, our friends who do the past, present podcast, specifically my friend Neil,

they have an episode that came out just today about how gas doves became political. So if you would like to hear three historians have their take on it, I said, go check out the past. Well, I will actually, because those guys will give me a very balanced, those people will give me a very balanced take on it. So thank you. I will take that advice. Okay, great. So I really enjoyed your furor over that, by the way. By the way, they can take my gas stove because my gastov is so temperamental.

so annoying. I'm like, I want to replace it with another gas stove, but they can take my actual brand right now because I'm not happy with it. It's not even the gas. It's not the stove. It's the fact that I'm just waking up to another day of being told that I'm supposed to be fucking furious about something that everyone has just suddenly decided we're all furious about now. And I'm pissed. I'm just sick of it. I'm just sick of the timeline. That's it. It's not really gas. It's not stoves. I'm sick of the timeline. That's it. I'm leaving the timeline. Goodbye. I'll be in another timeline. You're sick and tired of being sick and tired. At the old apex commercial. I will be doing podcasts, making fun of dinosaurs, okay, in the dinosaur time. So I'm sick of this

timeline. Meanwhile, if the induction oven lobby of North America cares to advertise on this podcast, we're all about it. Next you're going to tell me, we can't put lead in paint. Motherfuckers. Well, that being said, Ben, your favorite Ben, he wants a gas stove. And I'll tell you one thing, he's probably very against all this talk about gas doves becoming illegal. I mean more because you know fucking Kayla's on his ass going, oh no, now we hate gas stoves. We hate them now. Oh my God, I can't believe they're even

still showing this house hunters. I'm an influencer. We can't like gas stoves. We hate gas stoves. Okay, get on a suit and do a live about how much you hate gas now. Do it. Do it, Ben. Well, she doesn't care about gas devs. What she cares about are, I want Matt Black Cabinets, Brush, Gold Hardware, White Countertap,

definitely hardwood floor throughout, and I heat, heat, heat, heat, carpet on the main levels. Yeah. I just want to look like a showroom. It's not that hard. Well, actually, it is that hard because if things could look easily like a showroom, we would all have houses that was like showrooms. Yeah. Also, I mean, like, if you're going to have a showroom, you need to look like a

show car. You know what I mean? You can't walk in here in your thrift store blazer and demand a showroom. You just can't. First of all, I kind of wish I was John the realtor, but then when we actually meet John the realtor, I'm so appreciative that I just want John to be alive forever because he's great with her. So she's like, okay. He has no tolerance for her. She's like, I want space that I could use as a closet office. I call it a cloffice. I forgot about the clothis. I forgot how much I hated that. And she pushes the clophis really hard. It sounds like an office where birds attack you or like, you know, crabs come in and start. Clophis. Don't like it. It's a closet office. Yeah, as a part-time influencer, I have an influx of clothes. I mean,

What do you do when you just get bag after bag from Talbets? Delivered by birds and their claws. It's crazy. I need a place that I can... It has to be put in the claw fest. It's like a place where you can get dressed, but you can also move a joystick around until you claw the stuffed animal that you've wanted the whole time. It's a claw game, Fiss.

Now, this is not to be confused with the... a chlorophythus, that's a totally different concept. That's just a closet of an orifice mixed together. Can I do archery in your orifice? I'll calm down, Ben. Okay, get out of here. We're talking about the clothis. So Ben wants us stay in the $450,000 range,

and he really wants a ranch house. And the reason why he wants a ranch house is solely so that we can have a giant basement so he can. set up an archery range. So the entire style, the entire house is based off of his desire to have an archery range. Now, I don't know. This is like a wild concept that I personally have. I know this is controversial. We're taking on hot topics. We already talked about gas stoves, possibly being banned. I'm going to say something this may cause me to lose a lot of followers. This may impact our podcast, but I'm just going to say it. What about doing an archery rig outside?

Oh, but think about the children. It's shocking. Oh, think about the children, Ben. Okay, Mother Jones is about to write a fucking article about it. Okay, people of doing archery outside. Look at all the dead children from archery. But here's what I'm getting with Ben's bullshit request. What a man, okay?

Because at first you say a ranch, okay. Like, I'm at the age where I say, I'm on a ranch house because I'm getting old. I don't like to move. All I need to do is really hurt my ankle. And boom, I can't. ever go upstairs again? Like, what if my bedroom's up there? I need things flat. I need it to be so my old ass can fall down, drunk, and literally crawl to bed. Okay? That's why I want a ranch. But Ben doesn't want a ranch for that reason. Ben wants a ranch because he still wants multiple

floors, but he knows if he has a two-story house, she's going to get all the rooms upstairs for her ring lights and her pay list shoes that she's glue and Eve St. Laurent badges onto. But if he gets the second floor and it's under the house, that's boy room. He can use all of that for archery and shit like that. So it's actually a selfish move, but it's actually pretty crafty. I got to hand it to him. Well, it's crafty, but it's not a craftsman. Now, I have to say that he doesn't even want a ranch.

I don't think he even wants a house. He wants to archery range. And as a concession, he will allow there to be a residential space above it. That's all he wants. He just wants to aim, He wants, he wants, he wants a mixed-use archery range. That's what he wants. And it's so funny because he's like, well, I want a ranch because it's for resale.

And she's like, well, I want a two-story because that's how I grew up. I'm like, you guys both have terrible arguments. What is with this like heritage architectural style? It's like, I grew up in two floors. I don't know. I need to be on two floors again. Listen, I am for multiple floors if it makes sense.

So what I would not be into is a janky-ass floor plan but like, oh, but it's two stories, so we should keep it because of two stories. The answer is no, one story. But you know what it is? They're probably coming from an apartment and I have to say I think when you were in an apartment for a long enough time, the idea of the staircase

becomes very exotic to you. Because I spent what? I've spent like 20 years out here in L.A. Actually, in fact, I grew up. My home growing up is basically single story. There's like one area. There's like one little loft area. But it's basically single story.

And I have been in, I have been in apartments for 20 years. And sometimes you go to someone's house and they have like a staircase in their apartment. And you're like, oh my God, it's a staircase. And you're like so excited. And it's like, wow, that's so. cool and then Dom and I we bought a house together we got bought a townhouse

and it has two staircases and it's like ooh staircases guess what that shit gets old really quickly it gets old the moment oh my god staircases are from the devil I think that like

and you have like four levels like you have a huge you know I I have a lot of stairs they have a lot of stairs it's three stories but it's like tall ceilings so basically it's like four stories of height it's four stories worth of steps but only three stairwells and it's beautiful by the way it's a beautiful place and yes it's a lot of and they're very pretty stairs too but yeah that's a lot of stairs thank you i did not build them myself so you you can say there should do stairs also

but you know like you know when you have to but anyone with the staircase knows if you if like you're upstairs and then you leave something downstairs. You have to go all the way downstairs, go all the way upstairs. And with most staircase, that's a lot. Yeah. You've got two. And they're supersized. And then you get down there and then you've realized the thing that you forgot isn't even

there is you have to go all the way back upstairs. You're like, oh, I must have left it there. And you get all the way upstairs, it's not there either. So I have to go to the second floor. Yeah. It's a nightmare. But now they've made it where you have to live like that because land is so expensive. You can't just have a ranch.

I mean, you can't just be like, okay, I want all the square footage on one story. They're going to be like, well, that'll be $19 zillion for your quarter of an acre or whatever you're trying to get, you know? So they've kind of built us up so that it's like a luxury having a rancher. I would like to. I love that realtor that you just use. Well, they'll pay a $4 billion. A sale, says. It's like boncorn, leghorn, realtor.

That's my character, Denny. The Texas mayor, who just doesn't want to do anything. Like, any time he runs, they're like, so what are you going to do about the freeways? Nothing. They don't move, and that's where you catch up with your family. Denny for family time. Just the laziest asshole ever.

Okay. The point is, the point is, Stairs suck, okay? Everybody hates them. an archery range. Ben has some dark, devious archery dreams. Okay. So she's like, well, I want very specific things. I want matte black cabinets.

I want gold hardware. I want white countertops. I definitely want hardware floors because I hate carpet specifically on the main levels. Yeah. And Ben is saying, Ben's talking about how ranches have the big basements. And he goes, you know, because I got a ton of hot. I love mountain biking. I love hiking. I love archery. And I need to be able to practice my archery. Okay. I want an unfinished basement that I can build an artery range. Also, ideally, if we could put an unfinished basement also that can that can accommodate an indoor mountain biking track, I would love that too. Totally. It's like I have hobbies, you know, biking, climbing, bank robbing, masturbation, darts, pottery, parkor, barrel, racing, poor minimizing, foot flattening, brick. weaving and archery, you know? I love archery. So if I could do all those things in the basement, it'd be great.

Every time she said she wants something, all I see is money just falling out of the sky. And I can't even shoot it, because I'm not allowed to bring out my archery set unless we're in a basement. Yeah. So, yeah, so they're going to be, Ben is happy to live within 20 minutes of the city, of downtown Fort Collins. And by the way, while they're like, you know, it's the top of the episode, so they're, again, they're in his parents' kitchen, they're talking about what they want from a house.

And very, like, inauspiciously, he just is slowly making a dough. Did you notice that? Oh, that's his other thing. So, you know, when a guy learns how to cook something, and they just do it all the time, that's his thing. It's like,

and I make pasta. Hey, you know what these countertops would be great for? Rolling out the pasta. Yeah, rolling out the... And Rhonda's like, that's my boy. And you know, Kayla hates it because she's trying to be a fashion influencer, and there's nothing about the concept of fashion influencer

that has any sort of bend diagram overlap with pasta. I know pasta goes against literally everything that Kayla stands for. Well, they're starting in Windsor, 20 miles southeast of Fort Collins. And so Kayla's like, um, there are white houses in the, neighborhood. I love white houses. So how much is this place? And Ben's like, it's half a mill. That's over our price range, babe. Yeah. By the way, I love that she is so impressed to find

houses that are painted white. I feel like it's a pretty standard thing. So we meet, it's like, it's like, wow, I just want a house that's fuchsia. It's like, okay, that's unique. That's unique ass. I want a house that's white. It has, has a door. So we meet this realtor, John Holston, who is just, he's already over them. He's already had so many phone calls with him leading up to this trip. He's just done. And he goes, why would I ever bring them here? I mean, I need them to see what their money is going to buy them.

They've got some tastes that are going to be difficult to hit, if you know what I'm saying, and what they're wanting to spend. What I'm trying to say is they're cheapos. If they want to have an indoor archery range, why don't you just buy an equinox for crying out last? Listen, do I want a chin? Yeah, but, you know, I also got what I got. So I shave a line of a goate and then I shave another line of a goatee right under my lip. Does it look like there's a weird skin horizontal stripe on my chin?

Yes, but I've also got a definition. Now you say, did you see that guy's weird chin? You don't say, look at that weird guy without a chin. You see what I'm saying? Work within your budget, people. So House number one is two stories. It's also white. and of course Ben is upset that it's two stories.

And John's like, listen, it's not a ranch, but you guys have to compromise on this one. I'm like, wow, John, you're coming hot. This is house number one. John hates them, and it's so funny. Ben's like, well, it's a big garage. And Ken that goes, yeah, we might need to change out the brick color. Like, we'll probably have to whitewash it. And John's like, ah, just take off the brick.

Just take it off. Who needs brick, huh? Just get rid of it. Here's what you do. You go to bed, bed, bet, and beyond. a bunch of cheap white sheets and just hang them off in front of your bricks. Done. So this is a four-bed, three-bath.

It is a weird layout. It's one of those places you come in the front door and the room is a hallway that leads to the kitchen, but it goes around an oddly angled fireplace. It didn't. Look, from the outside, the place looks really big. So you think, oh, wow, this will be a big house. You walk in, walk in the doorway, there's a staircase going up in front of you. then the next room, like you said, this sort of like sitting room, goes diagonally away from the door.

So there's like diagonals going on. Whenever you have diagonals, that's always going to be a problem. Yeah, I think someone was like, I want a gas fireplace and I want it right in the living room. And they're like, well, the only place we could actually cut in, we would have to drop it down into the middle of the living room. But I guess we could like put it diagonal and add those walls. And like, do it. And now it just looks crazy. Yeah, didn't love it.

So they're walking, and it's sort of a cramped living room. It was like not inviting. So they walk through and they go into the kitchen and there's a nice big island. So of course, Ben's like, oh, I could make pasta on this one, pasta. You love pasta, don't you, honey? Yeah, I'm going to make my pasta on this island. She's like, okay, but the stove's electric. So riddle me that, Batman.

like, well, yeah, that's not good. That is not good. And she goes, and these cabinets are brown, not black. And I wanted gold hardware. I just don't know about this place. I just don't. Honey, you're not going to walk into any house in Fort Wayne wherever the fuck you are and find gold hardware. It's just not going to happen. All right? Get to the hardware store. Go on Amazon. Here's your new friend, Alibaba. Okay? Sorry. It's seriously. like even even even series upset about it

Alexa Alexis's like come on girl please I'm here for you she's like sorry make an effort please did you really think you were going to find a chic kitchen in

suburban Fort Collins Colorado he's like I don't know why the cabinets need to be Matt he's like God two years ago she was all about farmhouse now it's black mat and gold hardware I don't know what it's going to be in a couple of years.

So, like, that can be real expensive. Like, I mean, God, what are we supposed to change it every two years? Yep. Yeah, this is where we see the first signs of his sort of condescending attitude towards anything that she wants. Like, you're such a fickle girl. Like, one minute you love Matt Black Cabinist. The next minute you love psychedelic purple and pink wallpaper. paper, it's like, no, sir. You're the one of the archery in the basement. Let's not overlook

that you want an archery range in the basement. Okay, I feel like we're getting away from that. That's very important for people to remember. So, John is like, well, for the amount that you want to pay, you're going to have to give up a few things or compromise. I'm just going to, I'm just going to say this all, episode long, because I can already tell you're not listening to the first time I say it. Yeah, it's like, if you want that, you're going to have to do what you did when you married Ben. Give up on life? Close. Except that I'm never really going to be a movie star. Close.

Compromise. Yes. Do what your mother told you. Compromise. All right, fine. I know, but I really want everything exactly how I want when I move in. He's like, but that's not how life works, you fucking nitwit. Okay?

Now, I know you think that everything's going to be done for you, but welcome to reality. It's bullshit. Whatever dreams you watch growing up lied to you, little girl. All right? Welcome to dark brown cabinet with rusty poles. Listen, little girl, you want things the way you want them. Well, guess what? Don't be a fashion influencer who marries a guy who loves pasta and wants to live next to his parents

so he can shoot bows and arrows in the basement, okay? You should have thought that a few years ago. I just showed LOL. Point for John. I love this guy. So she's like, but like I hate being put back in my place as far as what's in our means. So even she took it that way. She's like, God, I hate being butt in my place.

That's not fun, but you know what? Like, I want to walk in and everything's aware I'd like it. That's it. So they go down and look at the huge wreck area. It's huge. And Ben's like, wow, it's a pretty decent size, even for not being a ranch. Yeah, he's like, I think it's long enough that I could even have an archery range in here. I was like, okay, well, you're upstairs, you have a cramped-ass living space,

but this giant basement that you could turn into something that has, I don't know, TV and sofas. But sure, make it an archery range. So then they go outside and there's a huge stack because it's a good backyard. And they're like, oh, my God, Bella's going to love it back here. And then they go upstairs and check out all the bedrooms up there. I hated the upstairs. There's all sorts of weird angles and archers. And it was just, yeah, this isn't, this isn't cute.

This is all like real builder grade, real cheap carpet. it and real little tiny rooms. So they can save four bedrooms, but it's really only like a tattoo with some extra walls, you know? Right. But she's fine with it because she's like, this would be great for photos.

Like, I could do my try on sessions over here. I mean, who even needs a cloth is? Am I right? She's literally only looking at the light. Yeah. She's like, there's a window on that wall. We're buying this house. Yeah.

And Ben goes, it's weird how there's no door into the bathroom. And she's like, ugh, look at these countertops. They look like they belong on the floor. I mean, I need nice finishes. I'm already moving here before I want to. The least I can have, because she randomly says have out of nowhere. It's just the least I can have is not a floor for my countertops.

Yeah. And he's like, yeah, you know, I know that she's compromising by moving here before she's ready. But like, there has to be some give and take. It doesn't have to be perfect. So overall, they like the basic. in the garage for him, and the living area is weird and cramped, and, you know, being a triangle for the couch hallway, it's a little weird, and no gas stove. Don't, don't, don't.

Yeah, but she does love that there's enough space for my clothist, but I can change almost all the finishing gear. So basically, the basement is good, and there's a room upstairs that's good, and everything else is shit. Yeah. Well, with the pressure on, we're hoping. This is the wine. So they're driving to the next place, and Ben goes, did you check this one out online?

She goes, not much. I just clicked on the link. Come on. That's like literally the easiest thing. It's like the lowest effort you could have made was to look at the place online, you guys. Seriously. Kayla and Ben have a week to find a house before they return to Chicago where Kayla could look at the city where she thought there'd be so much potential and say goodbye to it. So the pressure's on, their broker, to find them something that'll please them both.

And John's like, yeah, they're very, very different people. I mean, they have different tastes. And this home has a garage basement and nice finishes. So let's see what these idiots think. And it's a gray house. You can tell it's new. I think it's pretty. You know, it's kind of plain, but it's, you know, pretty.

It's like a new neighborhood-looking house. It's like, it was like generic architecture. It's like a generic house. But, like, it has this, like, it was like gray and, like dark ketchup red. It was a weird color choice on the outside. And she's like, um, it's not white. I'm like, well, look, I think it's ugly too.

But it's called get, hire some painters. Yeah. Although this does look like an HOA neighborhood. I don't even know if they'd allow that, you know? Those HOAs are real bitches. You're like, oh, you can do whatever you want to it. And then they're like, hey, no. There's a list of the approved colors.

Okay. We have a specific burgundy. color scheme that we're pretty strict at maintaining. Yeah. So, John's like, yeah, it's not white, but it's also a brand new dummy. So why don't you go in and give it a try?

And Ben's like, didn't I say I wanted a ranch? And he's like, and didn't I say give a little, you selfish fuck? You don't mind stairs? You only want them leading to a Ben only zone instead of a shared space. Just divorce this man.

He's not hot enough for this kind of work. Okay? Seriously. So they go inside and she's like, okay, you know, with these floors, you know, I can deal with these, but like this light fixture is so ugly. And he goes, you know what? You have to use your imagination. Okay. There's a lot to be done to bring it up to what you want. Okay. Think about what I'm saying. Up to what you want, which is too much, too much, Missy. So Ben's like, yeah, but except we want to spend R450 and this house is over that amount already. So they look at the kitchen. And it's like cute standard hardwood floor, stainless steel, which is nice white countertops, which you know he's going to love because he's going to say he can make pasta on those. Sure enough, he's like, oh my God, I can make pasta on those countertops. And then he starts the gaslight. Yeah, Kayla.

He goes, and look, it has the black cabinets you want it. And they're like, clearly brown. She's like, um, those are not black. Those are brown. He was, but it's pretty close, isn't it? God, aren't these black cabinets? just so beautiful, beautiful black cabinets. Stop trying to do that. It never works on me. I'm an influencer. I understand these things. She's like, it's really important that Ben understands my need

for fashion and style, because that is what I do for a living. Okay. So Ben's like, if we bring in Bella in here without offense, she's going to run the hell for the hills. Okay? I mean, I'm already dreaming about her saying, please stop putting me in purses. Please. I mean, she's going to run, babe, we need a fence. How much does it cost to build a fence? Is that really expensive? Yes. Is it?

Yes. Why? Because, you know, I actually ran into this problem myself. There was an offense. And I said, why isn't there a fence? And I said, you don't need one. And I said, what do you mean? I don't need one.

I said, well, it's just far out there. You know, I said, but I need a fence. I have a dog. Oh, you can just get a fence. What do you mean? You can just get a fence. I called a fence guy with $11,000 for one piece for just the back of the fence, okay? Wow. I'm not even kidding. I almost started crying. I was so mad. I'm still so mad. Can you tell?

Why is it that expensive for a fence? I don't know. Everything's expensive. God. Thanks a lot, world. Could you imagine if they really liked this home and they didn't buy it because there was no fence in the back? Yeah. Like, you know, little things can be deal breakers. Also, it did look kind of like a busy road or whatever. Yeah. I'd also. looked like a horrific place to live, which we should also mention. It was just like a generic suburban tract. It was just sad. It was a sad space. Yeah, this, none of this was great. I like the kitchen the best, I think, out of all three. Kitchen was the only good part of this house. Yeah. And it's really the only part. I mean, I could sleep in there. Like, I'm fine in there.

So then they go to the basement, of course, and it's not long enough for archery. So, yeah. And he's like, no. a ranch would have a bigger basement, which we could, you know, which would be better for resale. He keeps saying that, talking about how the unfinished basements can be really good for resale.

He's really trying to push that. I know. Just to get his artery. But then they go to the garage, and the garage has this weird, like, extra long hallway thing on it, which makes no sense. But he's like,

that's my archery range. I found it. I don't even need a basement. Oh, my God. It's amazing how, um, she must have had to hear about this archery range for so long that it doesn't even base her anymore because I feel like in other house hunter episodes, there'd be discussions about,

do you really need the archery range? And like it's never even questioned in this. It's just like she doesn't say, oh, well, Ben and his archery. She just is along for the ride. She's like, no, I understand. He needs his archery. It's very important to him. When there's something that will take your husband out of your site for hours at a time,

You don't really care what it is. It's just like, it's in the basement. Fine. Go for it, buddy. Yes, seriously. So the thing is that there's carpet upstairs. So when they go to the second floor, there's carpet. And she goes, it's just the main level.

And it's not just the main level. I will not have. Or what? What did she say? Either way, she was unhappy with the carpeting. Yeah, she hated the carpeting. She sees in other words, she's like, love the light in here. I see some shelves.

I see a full-length mirror. And Ben's like, well, overall, I see an unfinished backyard. And all I see are dollar signs falling from the sky. But I love that archery range. And Kayla's like, if we can change literally every single thing about it, I will take this house. And John's like, listen, cheap fucks, okay? If you want everything you want, you're going to have to go a hell of a lot higher. So if you don't go higher, shut the fuck up.

And don't call me again. So I suggest going home, blowing whoever you have to blow, call whatever ever parents you have to call into, threaten to not have grandchildren for them. Don't call me again, poor. I can't with you. I know. And she goes, I don't know. I've already given up living in Chicago. So I have so many things I don't want to budge.

I don't want to budge on yet, you know? It's like, well, ma'am, I mean, you just have to accept that the life. the Emily and Paris life that you wanted to have is just far away. Because she also says when they were looking at the rooms upstairs, she goes, this doesn't feel very luxx at all. I'm like, you're in suburban Fort Collins, Colorado.

What, like, what Miami mansion do you think you're moving into? You're not on Star Island. Okay, so then they go to Severance, Colorado. That is the saddest damn name for a city I've ever heard in my...

Severance. Like, I'm in the town that was, built right after I got fired. Like, what the hell? Or the town that was named after Joan. Or the town that was named after, like, my missing leg.

Like, what the fuck? So she is, Kayla is not happy with the severance. She's like, where are we? And Ben goes, I mean, I think we might be in Kansas already. She's, well, we're definitely not in Chicago. So then Linda chimes in,

Ben and Kayla have come to Fort Collins, Colorado area to find a house. And they have no time to waste, which is funny because all they seem to be doing is wasting all of our time. I'll tell you what was wasted, eyeliner, because bad, that looks really bad. So then John's like, well, you know, there's a saying. It says you drive until you'll qualify. So if this was 10 miles less, they would pay 50 grand more. We're probably going to be in Siberia by the time they find something that they can afford.

Drive until you qualify. Hello, John. John is the best real estate agent of all time. I know. So they finally are at a ranch house. And it's, I wrote down squat, beige, and sad. That's how it was. It's so sad. Okay, it's this little tiny house, and it's between two really large two story houses. Who, like, obviously people bought this land, knocked the houses down, and built. these huge houses. And it's so, like, it's one of those little tiny houses in between that.

And there's, like, sheets over the windows as the curtains. I was like, oh, no. And I thought they were going to have a fit about this, but they didn't. I mean, you open the door. It's a scary, skinny hallway to start with, like, a... I was like, oh, we're going to hear about this. I mean, like, you literally, like, it's, you're right. It's, like, a skinny, skinny hallway. The walls have been painted over a million times you can tell there's a room right off where the door opens up into and I'm like oh god Kayla's gonna lose her mind and she's like pretty chill about it yeah she loves it she's like oh my god isn't this great there's a bedroom right off to the right no it's not great you open the front

door it's a skinny creep the walls look wet I'm not even kidding like the glossom it looks like a wet hallway and then there's no door or anything it's just like this little creepy bedroom off to the right? Oh, no, not good. But she's like, love it. Yeah. And John gives a, John, Johnny gives a pitch. She goes, you know, there are certain things I know you're not going to like. And that's okay, because with $50,000, because it's $50,000 on the budget, you have the room to do the things with it, to bring it up to your standards, which are very high, by the way, okay? And he says that. He says, which are very high, by the way. He goes, not exactly what they want, but who gets exactly what they want, okay? Someone had to marry me, okay? And that's just the way it is.

And she goes, but this bathroom, I mean, the linoleum, what? And he goes, yeah, well, that's how it comes. And she tells us, listen, outfits matter. They matter at home. They matter at work. They matter at school. They matter in the guest shitter. Sometimes, Ben doesn't even think about the details.

I mean, these styles are terrible. Yeah. And so then they head down to the basement. And there's, of course, the basement's huge. So Ben's got like an erection. And Kayla, he's like, how. much bigger of a basement could you want? And she goes, yeah, when I was younger, I used to dream about what kind of unfinished basement

would be in my first home. So then they check out the kitchen. And the kitchen is a nice size, but the countertops, the hardware, oh, the cabinet. She hates everything, of course. And she goes, but I want a custom kitchen. That's it. And Ben goes, well, it's too bad. We can't change out the hardware.

Right. like he's being sarcastic, even though he literally complained about the hardware in another house. Yeah. And he's like, I mean, it's got a gas stove. So if we have to paint these cabinets black or neon green in two years, I mean, that stuff gets expensive. And she goes, yeah, well, my taste changes relatively quickly, but that's how you stay relevant and fresh. That's why I'm here on HGTV, the cutting edge of trends and fashion. That's why I will be forever remembered as the girl in the weird matted-down lambskin coat and cat eyeliner.

Part of staying relevant and fresh is moving to Severance, Colorado and making a splash. Yeah, nothing says keeping it fresh, like constantly being on severance, you know? So she's like, ew, I hate carpet. And Ben goes, why does carpet matter? Like, you didn't mind it in the other house that it was in the bedroom. And she goes, yeah, but in the other house, the bedroom was on the second floor. So if, like, everything on the second floor has carpet, then that's okay. But now the bedroom's on the first floor.

And so it can't have hardwood and carpet both on one floor. And he's like, but what does it matter? I mean, if you have a two-level house and you have wood down here and carpet up there, but you bring the main bedroom from there to here, now it has to be different flooring. She goes, yep. He goes, why? She goes, I would rather do an erud rug. He goes, so you take out the carpet, put hardwood down, and then put a carpet on top.

You know, she's like, I think I'm going to divorce this guy. But also he's finally getting good. Because, yeah, that's what you do. That's exactly what you do. So they go to the, they go, oh, well, first there's the countertops and they're hideous. These aren't even trying. These are like four mic covered countertops. This whole house is disgusting, and I think John was just punking them by bringing them here.

But then they go... John had an errand to do in severance. He had to go pick up some park for his car. Yeah, well, I guess, let's go to his look at his house. Listen, you know how hard it is to find a running Suzuki sidekick? Well, I found one. So, yeah, so they like that. there's a deck outside that they like.

And then Ben says, you know, oh, you know, this place has great bones and has an amazing basement for the archery range, which of course is the most important part of this entire process. And then the backyard is all the houses are real stuck together. And you've got like four feet of backyard and then like a tiny fence that see the other people's entire house and backyard in it, you know. It's kind of like apartment, but a house kind of living. And so they kind of try and talk themselves into redoing this house.

So could we do it? And John is like, well, you could go further out of the city. It gets more affordable. And Kayla's like, no, I'm an influencer. So now is the time to have the discussion on what they're going to get. Linda's like, well, these dummies are heading back to Chicago, but not before they make a decision on what house they want to mar. Kayla's embarrassing fashion desperation win. Let's check it out.

Not before they figure out which place to make a clothis in. I can't believe I had to read that word. Where will the claffis work past? Aim high, kids. So, Kayla's like, let's talk about the White House because I love the outside of it. Also, it had a hardwood throughout the whole main level. And Ben's like, yeah, it had a great garage, but it didn't have a gas stove. And yeah, I know I just made a joke that you can, that like, it's stupid.

to complain about hardware when you can just swap it out. But now it matters for me, and I don't like that there's no gas stove. House number two. I love that it's like a two-story, but that it's not white. And he's like, but the basement is small, but I could do archery in that garage hallway thing, and I like the countertops. And she's like, I just want like cosmetic updates everywhere. And now house number three.

So Ben's like, you know, we get to save $50,000. Yeah, but $50,000 is going right back into all the upgrades I want to do in the house slash clothist space. And he was like, but it already has a gas stove. Great. Well, we wouldn't have to replace one stove, but we'd have to paint the cabinets, add hardware, add backslash, and also create an entirely new zip code so we don't have to tell people that we live in Severance, Colorado. Ding, dong! And so Ben is in their new place, unscoring one of the hideous life.

He's like, this is one of many, many hideous lights that are going to be coming down at this house. But we went with the new build and the gas stove. Kayla's like, yeah, we ended up paying $476,000 because it has a ton of space for all of his hobbies. And some of my finishes. And by some, I mean one. And by one, I mean half of one. And by half of one, I mean none. I got nothing out of this.

I moved out of Chicago and spent more money for his archery range. Yeah. And my clawfish is going into the south. facing bedroom because the sun, oh my God. Listen, I've compromised with Ben too and we'll just be ripping out living room carpet for now. Yeah. And then Ben's, of course, like, there's so much room in that huge garage. My archery range is definitely going to fit there. And I'm like, I was kind of upset, Ronnie, because I kind of felt like, after all this, we deserve to see the archery range. I want to see the archery range in motion so I can finally see what this damn thing was that

he was making such a huge priority for this house. Yeah, but I did like that she was trying to keep her Chicago fake accent because she sounded so dumb on her last line. She goes, yeah, it was definitely hard to leave Chicago. The day we put in the offer, I shatter tear. And I was like, really? You phony baloney, you shatter tear? Well, congratulations.

That's the influence that you're leaving over. House Hunter, Sucker. Yes, enjoy your life off in the burbs. So thanks everyone for being here for listening and for signing up for Wondry Plus to listen to this. So we'll be back, you know, with a whole new Dwell Hello on the next 100 plus episode. And in the meantime, check us out on the regular feed with all our Bravo recaps. Thanks for listening, everyone. And bye.

Bye.