Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello: Three's Not a Crowd in Colorado

Episode Date: November 26, 2021

We're recapping Season 167, Ep 07 of House Hunters!  (Vol. 7 on Discovery+).It's the throuple episode!!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Prime members, you can listen to watch what crap ends at free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts. It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off, voice only. Launching during pride, Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chaz and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. to Dwell Hello, I'm Ben, that's Ronnie, what's going on Ronnie? What have I been in all this, what you doing? I am just here ready to dive into yet another episode of House Hunters, because that's what Dwell Hello is all about if you're new to this. This is our sort of crap ins limited series, Dwell Hello, where we recap some episodes,

some silly episodes of the world from the world, the extended universe of house hunters. And we're doing this for the next over the course of 10 weeks. And we're so glad we get to do this second season of it. If you missed the first season, that's available on Stitcher Premium. You can only access it via Stitcher Premium. But this season, as you can tell,

is available for all. Isn't that fun? Yeah, so here we are. We are taking requests. So if you guys have a favorite episode of House Hunters, go on our Instagram, it's at watch what crap ends, or our Twitter at what crap ends, and let us know what you want to cover,

because this one we got from you guys. The Thrupple. The famous Thrupple. Episode of Guy. Famous. Here we are. It's all about a Thrupple. Now we got from you guys. The Thruop the famous Thrupple episode of Guy. Here we are. It's all about a Thrupple. Now we're both homos, okay? Huge homos here.

And I'm not really adverse to a crazy relationship, a wacky relationship or abnormal, what would you call it? Like a not the norm relationship, I guess abnormal sounds rude. abnormal sounds. Yeah,. Abnormal sounds. Yeah. More like, it's traditional. Yeah.

Like you've got something, you've got a spot that's abnormal. Like I don't mean it like that. I mean, you know, like a non-traditional. Thank you very much. Yeah. Unconventional. Okay. So, yeah, we're not, you know, I'm not against that or whatever. It is weirder for me when straight people do it though, I have to say. Well, I mean, I think that there's some,

there are some, I mean, it's, listen, this Thrupple has a little bit of everything going on in it. But that being said, before we get into it, one thing that we always like to do since House of Thrones is a sprawling universe, and it's available on a lot of different platforms, this episode, because we wanted to do the Thrupple episode, this one is actually available only on Discovery Plus.

Yeah, we love Discovery Plus. Yeah, so we have Discovery Plus and, you know, have access to all these. Now, there are so many episodes of this show. So we want to give you instructions on how to find it. So going to Discovery Plus is in Volume 7 and it's episode 167 and it's called Three is No Crowd in Colorado. I just wanna clarify that.

It's in Volume 7 on Discovery Plus, season 167, episode 7. So you sort of have to do three tiers. You gotta sort of build down there. But the episode name is called threes no crowd in Colorado. So why don't we, why don't we dive right into it, shall we? All right. Yeah. So my first thought is like, why is this okay? Like why is this like so normalized in my mind for gay couples and it's so odd for straight couples? And then I realized everything straight couples do is kind of odd to me. I mean, the way they have sex is weird to me. It's like there's a penis and a vagina. Don't get that. Like, who has sex like that? The way they shop in Costco is very different, I think. There's

like a lot of more paper towels and I would ever buy. You know, so this is one of those episodes where I just learn that everybody's different and that's okay. Yeah, but the thing is that like, there's a straight couple in this, but there's a, there's a non-straight couple in this, in this. So I don't know if the rules of like, this is straight people doing it because there's clearly a, like a lesbian couple, and there's a straight couple wouldn't, but one of them's bisexual. So I don't know. I'm not even going to get into all the, all the, all different, you know, all different from me, all different from a chubby gay guy. You know, that's my point. I'm going to do what the show different, you know, all different from me, all different from a chubby gay guy.

You know, that's my point. I'm gonna do what the show does, which is just say this is what the relationship they're in and we're gonna go for the ride. So Texans, Brian, Laurie and Jelly do realize there's nothing conventional about them and then we, that's Linda, the narrator. And then Laurie goes, we're a thrupal.

It's a relationship that's three people, not just two. Yeah, I love that there's somebody named Jelly. That's so funny to me because of course, when there's three, it's like if you have three friends, there's always that one friend who gets left out. There's always an element of Jelly in a three. Yeah, we all know it. Okay.

And so Lori is one of those ladies, I think Lori was just like, you know what, we need to change because she's like the mom with soccer mom hair and she's just like super over enthusiastic for everything. And she's like, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna be a prop, you know? She's just like super into whatever is new and changey.

Yeah, so Linda continues, good things may come in three, but it's making their Colorado house hunt difficult. And so then three times is difficult. Three times is difficult. Yeah, Lord is like, Hey, it's not just two times. It's three times because we're in Throp O. We're also three people that love solid primary colors and cotton color clothes. Okay, like primary colors, cotton clothing. Okay, primary. We just like our basics. Okay, we love going to Target and finding the section that says basics.

Okay, that's what we'd like. We love to American apparel no longer there. So they're very into like the number three. They're like really into, not only are they into being a threple, but they're into things that remind them that they're a threple. So anytime the number three comes up, they get very excited. And so, you know that they go to, you know that they go

to Vegas and gamble and they go to the roulette table. And she's like, three, because we're a threple. Like everything. And every time, oh my god, you know what this room has? Three fire escapes. Which is like three because we're a thrupple like everything they say oh my god Do you know what this room has three fire escapes? Which is crazy because we're a thrupple So Linda says it's every woman and or a man for her for himself or herself or herself or herself or

Herself someone stop me. I can't stop this a thrupple is blowing my mind or herself or herself someone stopped me, I can't stop this. A Threpple is blowing my mind or herself or herself. So we open with them all brushing their teeth together in the same sink. And Lori is like, babe, hand me my toothbrush over the second or the third. Come on. This is why we need three sinks. Yeah. And Lori goes, I'm a lifestyle coach, so already I'm like, oh, okay.

And then we find, then we also meet Angelica. That's why her name is Jelly, because it's short for Angelica. And she's like, I'm a legal videographer. And then Brian, he says, I work in sports marketing. And you feel like you're... Oh! See, I just marketed a goal.

What? And we're a Thrupple. Yeah, a Thrupple is three people in a relationship. And Brian's like, Laurie and I have been married since 2002. Unfortunately, it wasn't three. She tries to get me to lie about that. We have two kids together, another non three. It's really blowing it. Man, we often think about how how great would have been to be born a millennium a millennium and a year later 2003 god Hmm, I'll tell you what movie we'd love to watch though Three men and a baby

Even though I tell her technically that's four people she doesn't care You know what the you know what I wish it were the 70s even though seven is not divisible by three it is when we had three companies so that was a fun time for us. I understood that when we were dating that Lori was bisexual which means she's interested in women and men. Oh my god. Is this show? Who is this show for? Okay. I'm not playing aliens coming from another world explaining things for the first time. We need a spat for water.

Water is something that humans drink to keep themselves hydrated. We evolved to a point where they do sort of speak like aliens. I'm not saying people in Threpples are aliens, but these people may be aliens. He's like, we evolved to a point where we're comfortable having another woman in our lives, which is a funny thing to say because sort of on face value it makes it sound like they don't ever interact with any woman ever in their life. Like we went to the store and there was a woman, so we had to turn around. But now we're at that place where we are allowed, we are okay having another woman in our

lives, so we can go to the store, but only into one catch right of sir. Jelly's my favorite. She's like, how we met is a really romantic story. We met in a bar and Laura's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And she's like, yeah, I didn't really plan on being in a relationship with a married couple, but it happened really organically.

Well, the vodka was organic. Watch out for that shit. You know, listen, we just got drunk over the course of three months and then realize we keep waking up in the same bed. We might as well make it a fish. Am I right? And he's like, well, in just got drunk over the course of three months and then realize we keep waking up in the same bed We might as well make it a fish, am I right? He's like, well in this country, of course, you can only be legally married to one other individual Which could also be substituted for the word person

So we joined with jelly in a commitment ceremony Which is similar to a marriage but with a commitment and that's in a rubah, which is an island An island is a place its land surrounded by water. There are suns sometimes, but also clouds. Gosh, Brian, getting so political with you are in this country. So, Brian's like, we're all equals in this relationship, except for jelly, because she came in last.

So, the kids are now, the kids are in Texas with the grandparents and staying there when a vacation rental while they hunt for a home for their crazy family. So Lori's like, oh my God, do you think our new neighbors are gonna come hang out? I mean, we're a thrupple. And jelly's like, yeah, I mean, hi, we're a thrupple.

But, you know, like say that, but not creepy like. And Brian's like, that did sound creepy. And as we know, a neighbor is someone who lives next to or nearby where you live, which of course is where you go to sleep and wake up every day. Yeah, they're a little too into this new car smell for me. Yeah. They're like a little too excited. Brands, like, well, go ahead.

I think I say they're like people who just started CrossFit. It's like, okay. Thanks for your 34th update about CrossFit. We get it. You can do it probably. Yes. Someone who just discovered intermittent fasting. Oh my God.

So, jelly's been living in their house, buying a house as, oh, I don't think that was a Linda line. I think I just started going, Linda. I started going, I started doing rogue Linda voice. So, Jellie. I've decided I want to narrate more that they have told me to. Linda, you're on, you're on warning. Fine, I have to live my life though.

This is my truth. Oh, so Brian's like recently I found a new position. Lori's like, honey. I'm talking about my job, honey. I'm sorry, carry on I can move wherever I want to now. He also sat down on a bedpost almost halfway. I thought his tongue was gonna fall out. Lori So the buying the house is a threpo'll signify their next big step as a family of five, rather than all four of them, plus jelly. Because jelly has obviously some issues about the fact that she came in the last. She really wants to be on an equal level. And then we see a family photo of like from like these, the commitment ceremony and it's

like jelly and Lori and Brian and then the two kids and the older toddler is just like I hate this. I hate this arrangement. So yeah, it's like, you know, here's our wedding pictures. We're going to Colorado Springs from Texas, you know, with such a small town feel, so much outdoorsy stuff. So we see them in the car and jelly's like, um, yeah, moving with, moving the unique family dynamic we have makes me a little nervous. And Brian goes, it may seem non-traditional, but we're heck of a lot of fun if I do say so myself. Now let me tell you about how jelly loves a white kitchen and wants a three car garage. Wow, we are so fun. So I think that was my biggest preconceived notion that was squashed because I was like,

oh my god, this is the Thrupple episode. It's gonna be crazy. And instead, it's more like, Thrupples can be just as boring as everybody. Okay. And I actually thought that was a good message. It's a very American message. So, meaning that like, we're all like America,

we can all be boring. So, now the thrupples hiking around in Colorado, and jelly is like, okay, let me tell you about all of my wants, and then you guys can tell me about all of the things that you're not gonna get, okay. So, I want a three car garage. I don't wanna deal with snow. I want a white kitchen, which is funny, because it looks like snow, but garage. I don't want to deal with snow. I want a white

kitchen, which is funny because it looks like snow, but I don't actually want it to be a snow. And I also want it to be moving ready. Okay, I, this has to be jelly approved. Yeah, and Brian is like, well, you're going to have to learn how to deal with the snow eventually. And I'm like, oh, God, they're not going to make poor jelly street park. Like, why is that the option? Like, poor jelly wants a three car garage, because she knows her ass is going to have to street park Because she's like last in you know, how would be better to normally I'd say last in first out But it's more like last in and then warming up the car and de-icing it and then you're out

Yeah, and jelly's like you know being three people hard. And Brian's like, tell me about it. It's a shut up, Brian. So they sit on a bench at the park. And Jellie, I just wrote, most boring, triple of all time. So they sit down and Jellies like, listen, let's not get over ambitious guys. And Brian's like, okay, Lori, well, what do you want?

And she's like, oh my god, a fireplace. Well, honey, you're living in Colorado. Chances are there's gonna be a fireplace. She's like the oh my god, a fireplace! Well, honey, you're living in Colorado. Chances are there's gonna be a fireplace. She was like the most simple thing. Yeah, because I am very impulsive and when I find something I like, I like it. Hence, jelly. So, so, Lori does this, she said,

I want a fireplace and projects are okay, I want a project, that's what I want. And then, her whole thing is fireplace and projects. It's funny because jelly had this big long list and they all just want like two things and Brian Who for some reason in my notes I started calling John because I guess he has a big John energy But he's like say okay. Here's what I want being the fun one. We are so much fun to three of us God, we are a fun non-traditional family. Okay as the fun one, I would like a home office, please. Also, I'm the practice and practical. My list is a bit more practical.

So some open space. Yeah, I just want tons of land for $5. I want to pay $5 and have 19 acres of land. Okay, and so Lori's like, and he's also saying, oh, you know, in practical things, like a master suite with, you know, three vanities. They're like, oh. So they want to spend 400 to 450, the ladies do, but Brian's okay with 500. And they're like Brian and Lori's like well we're gonna have to learn to be flexible. No pun intended guys.

And so the first house their agent found was with the sorry the first house their agent found was with jelly in mind both jelly the person and also jelly as a condiment. Our Realtor loves jelly. It's a bagel house. So it's a three car garage. So jelly's like a three car garage symbolizes equality. Like that's why there's a statue of one in Washington. Oh my goodness, I have to say every year at the gay pride parade,

when they send out that load of a three car garage tears are in my eyes. So I'm the realtor is this like a big kind of good spirited guy. He's like, look guys, it's got a three car garage and also a white kitchen. And then he tells us representing them is really challenging because they've all got different means. But one thing they will all need is space to store their smuggers. God, I love jelly. This is a dream job for me.

So this place has laminate flooring and it's a pretty, pretty place, I think. And it's got a lot of step downs and like it's like a sunken living room, but two entrances. So you're walking up and down a lot in this house. But I like it. I think the first floor is really good. And it's not like a bay window, but it's a bay window esque kind of thing. And the living room is like a juts out. It's really nice.

And I actually really like the kitchen. And there's a lot of really good light. Although there's a fireplace in the kitchen that of course, the floor is like fireplace, fireplace. And you can see it from three different angles. Three. But yeah, the real estate guy you can see it from three different angles. Three. But yeah, the real estate guy goes, it's a three way fire place.

I'm like, oh my God, three ways. You know what you get us. I do like, that's cute, but I also think like a fireplace, you want us sort of like cozy up around in the living room on Isofa, not like on a stool at the kitchen island. Girl, I'll take a fireplace anywhere. I would take one into bathtub if fires didn't work that way. And Lori walks up to the witness. Yes, you know, it would really be great if there were mountains there.

Lady, you're spending $400,000. You don't get a mountain, okay? Enjoy your three-way fireplace. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, just look at that fire from three different angles. It'll feel like a mountain. So, Jelly's like, well, this is beautiful. I mean, I'm very meticulous. So, I'm a bit of a perfectionist. So then Brian sees the kitchen. The white kitchen, and he starts making a joke. He's like, uh, this makes me want to like go love up, go on to surgery. Like,

hello, it's my surgical kitchen. Ha ha ha. And jelly is just looking at him like, you can fucking die. I don't even know why you're still in this relationship. Like, you're not needed anymore. And Lori's just going on and on. So she's like, coming up, it's not give or take. It's give take, take or give, take take take or give take give or take give give.

So then we come back and outside the backyard, Jellies like where are the mountains and brands like, well, we talked about an open space for the kids and this feels like a fish bowl because there's like 10 houses that can see into our backyard. Yeah. And Laura's like, well, let me look,

look at the number of houses back here. Okay, let me look. There's one, two, three, three, three's like, well, let me look at the number of houses back here. Okay, let me look. There's one, two, three, three, three, three, four, five, six, which is actually two times three. I can't tell if I'm excited by these numbers or they're driving me nuts. I'm just counting. Okay. Oh my gosh. Now there's six houses of people staring down at the throttle that came to town.

And tell me, it's like, well, listen, we have to compromise because I do get a white kitchen and a three car garage. So what are you gonna do? So then you go down to the basement, which is like a finished basement. And there's like, it's like a space where where John can have a perfectly fine home office. And he's like, I'm sorry, Jack,

I'm gonna call him John a million times. I'm sorry, everyone, Brian. He's like, well, it's not located where, like, where you'd want it to be. And basically, there's like a window. And the view outside the window is this like corrugated metal ditch essentially. And so he has no view.

But guess what? It's an office. I'm like, you know what I'm looking at right now, Ronnie? A wall, okay. So, get over it, sir. I'm looking at a computer screen. Guess what? I'm working in my office. Okay. So get over it. I'm looking at a computer screen. Guess what? I'm working in my office. Okay. Yeah.

So what, sir? So then we go to the primary bedroom and Lori's like, um, this does a not work for a drop-all. And she's like jumps on the bed. And the real estate guys like, don't sit on the bed. It's fake. But he talks so slowly that she's already broken her back on the floor. And then jelly jumps on it too. No, jelly was the one who fell back on it first and then Lori jumped on her. They basically I guess it was at some sort of like Your mattress or I don't know what it was, but yeah, but they just basically destroyed this staged bed Which I didn't know that's what they did with staging beds, but also also like why you Flinging yourself on the furniture that's not yours?

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You can listen ad free on the Amazon music or Wondery app. So Lori is like, well, the master bedroom is a weird room and I don't want our bedroom to be weird unless we make it weird. Cause we're a thrupple. Three times is weird. So they go into the bathroom talking, you know what we could do in here? Add a third sink. And he's like, you know, we could do in here at a third sink and he's like, you know

I feel like you guys are torn Because Jolly loves it the other ones hate it. Jolly's like, but I love that kitchen Brands like but there's so many people, you know, and I want open space. There's no office with views and where's the mountain? So their agent found a space with a better office setup for Brian and one other perk, one other perk, but at a price. Yeah, so did we ever find out what that perk was? I think the view is like, that's right. Maybe.

What would you say it was? There was a rabbit. I don't know. Linda was not always here. The rabbit. So the real estate guys on the phone, he's like yeah, I found a property for you But you have to see it. It's like 515, but you know what guys it does have views and Laura's like no, that's way too much Brian

Come on She's like pacing around like we are not gonna see this That is ridiculous. I know it's like Brian's like okay, just wait for wife number one to calm the heck down. Okay. So Andrew is now slowly losing his mind, the realtor. He's like, I think that, you know, like, dealing with three people is a little bit of a daunting task, but I'll be okay, just think about the smuckers.

They get about the smuckers. So this next house has six bedrooms and three and a half baths, and but it only has a two car garage. So this next house has six bedrooms and three and a half baths. And but it only has a two car garage. So jelly is already like, I guess I'll just be practicing scraping the eyes because I know you guys won't surely won't let me fucking go in that garage. Pretty much. And Lori is on her side. She's like, well, we're basically appeasing Brian right now. We're just going to be real quick with this and move on. So this place is a 3,645 square feet,

which is pretty big. And Andrew's like, and we do have an office. And Brian's like, well, it's small. Come on, I want to view. I want to view. You know what, he's putting a little bit too much into this home office situation here. Okay, first of all, it's not even a good home office because it has French stores.

And so, like, help enjoy that in our new Zoom world. Having, you know, a window behind you in your office where people can watch what's happening in your living room while you're trying to tell, have a very important conference call. I had a good role during that out. I had trouble with that sense. Wow. This is a good story. Uh, so then they go outside to look at the deck. And that's where the real pretty place is, right? Because isn't this worth it? No, I guess not.

So Lori's like, it's a deck. And Brian says, well, I really don't want to be looking at the neighbor. And jelly's like, and this isn't my kitchen. It's not white. And Brian goes, good observation, jelly. Like Brian is gonna get his ass kicked. But Lori likes it because there's a fireplace. Jelly and Brian, I do not like each other clearly, right?

Clearly. But yeah, Lori is losing her mind because she all she sees of fireplace and that's that. There is a bunny in the yard, which is exciting for everyone involved. But then, Jelly is like, um, it's $515,000 worth it for that view. I mean, you basically see only like half a mountain. I mean, where, like, when there's so many compromises on the inside, like, I mean, I don't even have a three car garage or my white kitchen.

Where's my white kitchen? Because that's all she says the rest of the episode. Where's my white kitchen, where's my white kitchen? Because that's all she says the rest of the episode. Where's my white kitchen? Yeah, and then they go up to the main bedroom and Lori's like, well, is this even big enough for our bed? I mean, we have a king. Yes, Lori, everybody has a king bed. Okay, like most Mary's couples in a primary suite have a king bed.

They are built for king beds, man. But because she's in a thropple, she's like, it's crazy. I mean, we have a king size bed. Will this bed? I know. Although it is an odd shaped master bedroom and they do need to get three dressers apparently. And I as there are no other bedroom up there that they can store their clothes and for crying out loud. There's supposed to be lots of

bedrooms in there because like the kids and there's like, I thought there was like six bedrooms in there. So this space for their clothes. So then there, the bathroom is also really bad. And it has these really ugly mirrors that, I don't know how you describe that pattern where it's like, the mirrors are square, but on each side of the square, there's like a semi-circle that pokes out. I don't know, does that have a name?

Oh, yeah. That looks like a... No, I don't know, I don't think old. It's just some old and ugly stuff. This has need some updating, because they say on house hunters. And then the primary master, the primary master, doing great with this word change

on primary, but the master bath basically has one of those diagonal tubs. It's going to diagonal, and it's also bricked in where it's built into a platform, which a lot of houses here where I live have that, where the tub is built into like this big, huge brick platform. And it's like, do we really need that? It's taking a lot of space, guys.

Just go for the old-style standing tub. I mean, it's kind of fun because it's cool to have like that platform, you can put things on it and you can like sit on it, maybe talk to whoever's in the tub if that's part of the process. But yeah, I agree. That's a lot of wasted space. It's it's it's bricked in and it's diagonal. Why are you doing this to your bathroom? There's so much so much space you can get back. Yeah. And so Lori's like, but we can't change stuff. So we could get a triple vanity in here. And then Jolly's like, um, can I

interject? There's no three car garage. There's no white kitchen. She's like, and we need something in our price range. Brian. And they're just saying, this is a no deal. No deal. No deal. And also, another complaint, aside from the lack

of a three car garage and no white kitchen, is that the master bathroom is not a white kitchen or a three car garage. So like everything just doesn't work. Yeah. Um, so. So like, you know what this car, I really, we need a new car.

This one doesn't have a white kitchen. Yeah. You know, I don't know this office, I don't think this office works for us because it's not a white kitchen or three car garage. They go parking at them all. Okay, you know what, this is like a 300 car garage. I don't know that we need that.

Can we try to rain it in place for crying out loud? Okay, I want a view of a three car garage and inside the three car garage is actually a wet kitchen. Yeah. So then they're talking about every place that they've seen. And Jolly's like, listen guys, I think these challenges, I guess,

like they say, being in a thrupple, you know, that's why it's a challenge because you have to make compromises. You also both have to fuck Brian. If you ask me, that's like a life compromise. That is a big, big compromise. Also, the two car garage thing is funny because like he's working So, I hope that if they do wind up with that house, that Brian's car is the one that's outside. Brian's car better be on the curb, no matter what. But he's working from home, and if he pulls garage priority over anyone,

fuck him, kick him out of the throttle. Yeah, so Lori is like, is anybody willing to give up anything? And she's basically the easiest one because really all she wants is a fireplace. They're all going to have that. So, I anybody willing to give up anything? And she's basically the easiest one because really all she wants is a fireplace. They're always gonna have that in college. Yeah, she just wants a feature.

Yeah. And she's like, I'm not. And Lori goes, well, we have one more day here. We have to find a house in literally a day and a half guys. This was great planning. Three brains, three brains. Very little player. Yeah, nothing. Yeah, I'm questioning Lori's life coaching skills

with all the lack of planning going into this. So now it's time for house number three. And Lori goes, this is going to be good. I feel it. Am I the only one? Am I the only one at this point? Like, jelly is just like staring daggers into Brian and Brian's actually like he doesn't see her, you know, like. And this is going great, guys. It's going great. Yeah, Jelly cannot hide on her face when she's pissed. And it's hilarious in this episode. So Lori's just trying to be overly positive. And it's not really working, but there is a three car garage.

Yeah, there's a three car garage, this new place that has a C-film door. So Andrew is like, so having three decision-makers and having them pull in each direction, it's just been, it's been really, really hard for me. Like, I have a crumb in my beard. I don't know if you know this. I'm on national TV with a crumb in my beard, and I'm not going to take it out. It's hot. And she's like, what is this color on the door? And Andrew goes, oh, that's a Tiffany blue island color. She goes, um Jelly, what do you think? Jelly goes, um, we're not on an island

Excuse me, you fuckers. You just walked through the ugliest fucking house of all time and didn't say anything about the decor Really? I know. I know the kitchen wasn't white, but now you have a problem with the cutely painted door the easiest thing to change And to Brian's credit he was the only one who accurately said that it was a C-film, not a Tiffany blue, in any stretch of the imagination. And also, they are so unimaginative about their color schemes. Like, Jelly, it's so literalist with her color.

Like, if it's not white when she walks in, it's like it never can be white. Like, oh, what is this exotic Caribbean door that can never be painted over, you know? Yeah, but the structural things that are hideous, they're like, oh yeah, we can change that. So then Andrew, yeah, it's hard having three people. So then the Linda, the narrator, is like, today, today's house was picked with Lori in mind, projects.

So this house is a dump. So Andrew is like, the thing about this one is everyone is getting something they want, but everybody is giving up something too. So Brian is very worried about what he's giving up at the low price of $370,000. So they walk in. And Lori immediately, because Laurie was told this house was picked out, was selected with her in mind. She is now predisposed to just liking it no matter what. So everything, she's like, look at this. Good, this is good bones.

This is good structure. Look, oh, there's a little girl crying in the corners. Anyone see her? Just me? I love that. I love that feature. Blood on the walls. That's so fun. That's what you call character.

Oh my god, it's black water dripping from the ceiling. I've always wanted a water feature. I love it. Thank you for thinking of me. So there's a fireplace, but there's no view. And Andrew's like, but don't worry, there is a view upstairs. So they go and they also see like a carpet. Like, oh my God, it's carpet. I'm like, lady, you just said you liked a project. This is the most projectee project of all time, taking out the carpet.

And the carpet's like actually the easiest out of all the projects. Yes. Right. Like more than the bad, it's easier than the bathroom and all that, I think. Yeah. So, Jellie's like, oh god, I just don't know. My palms are sweating. I don't like this.

I don't like the carpet. I don't like the fireplace. The fireplace is not center. I need things symmetrical. The fireplace is not symmetrical. I can't park my car in the fireplace. This is a problem. The fireplace doesn't have a white kitchen in it. I can. Like,

jelly, there literally is a three car garage, but not in every room. Yeah. So Brian's like, well, why don't we just leave the fireplace there, and then we'll move the whole room over. And she's like, how about move the theruffle out? How about we be back flying or just brew Brian. So then they get to the kitchen and Joey's like, why is there a floor tile on the calendar? The real estate guys like, well, that was the 90s and that was a strange time. So, Lori is like, I'm just so inspired guys, I'm so excited. You know, she says this every time she comes back from the store

She just saw something like in the keto magazine that sprouts and was like guys We're gonna have meat tonight. I'm like, okay I'm so inspired and she goes in the kitchen and she's standing at the counter where the oven is and she's facing away from the oven And she starts doing a butt dance. She goes, oh my god Like if I'm getting over something over here and jelly's facing away from the oven and she starts doing a butt dance. She goes, oh my God, like if I'm getting over something over here and jelly's behind me, we could do this butt dance, guys. And jelly's like, this is a couple kitchen,

not a thrupple kitchen. They're bumping and grinding. And that's really fine on a Friday night, because what, it's not when you're cooking. The kitchen's not good, it's not a good kitchen. So, but they have a big backyard and Laura's like, oh my god, this backyard it totally fits our family. Okay, look You can see the mountains in the master because they go up there. They see the mountain They see the seat they can see the mountains and Brian goes, oh, yeah, and this is perfect

You know you put the bed here since I sleep on this side of the bed I can get the mountain view and then Laura's in the middle as usual and then Jelly can look at the bathroom. She's like fucking die. You can go fucking sleep. Then what's really good? She really does give him a look. This couple is about to be a couple bitch. Right.

So Laurie's like, oh my god, this is gonna work. And Laurie's just so excited. She goes, the carpet has to go, but we have views. And Jolly's like, that's 19 million projects. You haven't even finished the Mac or May hanging plant. Hold on a thing, you started last Christmas. We still have 10 stacks of magazines, because you said you were gonna turn them

into a quote unquote origami crane tree Your official board has one word on it Because you know that's Lord. It's always the people who say they love a project that never finish a project Yeah, so jelly hates it and Lori's like I mean, there's a lot we have to do, but I can see it guys. It's like, Ryan, you got to stow anybody. Ha! Jelly's like, she needs to come back to reality. Real fucking quick. So, you know what I'm going to do with that?

The recard garage, I'm going to put Brian in it and let him turn the car on. But, oh. So Lori's like, this house literally checks off our boxes. White kitchen, backyard, three car, fuse. I mean, how quickly could we turn this around? Mr. and Brian's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's go somewhere to talk about this. You know what I could use? A brewery.

Yes, and then they wind up at like, they're like in the back of a brewery or something. Like, by the giant bats. Yeah. Like we're scatting in the back in a brewery or something like giant bats In the back in front of that sort of brewery. What the whole show is fell into an ass of that and Batman So so they're like so Lord's like I need a beer so Linda says I Made it I need you to get out of our back storage area, man. Please please go to the restaurant. Thank you Thank you. I love a project project this is not a project and man can you take your car out of your wait this isn't a three car garage where's the white kitchen

well if you'd follow me I could show you so Linda says committed triad Brian jelly and Laurie have been searching for a mountain home for their unique family of five, but instead of bringing them closer, it has them divided. And Jelly's like, well, the house I want us to consider is my three car garage white kitchen dream house. I mean, we don't have to do anything to that house. I don't have to see Lori trying to strap on that stupid drill and walking around going, I'm the tool guy. I'm the tool guy, I'm the tool guy.

I'm brands like, well, we can't fit a king bed in that primary bedroom. But wouldn't it be worth it to not have to be downstairs all the time and watch Lori's vegetable puppetry? And Lori says, even outside they're staring down at us, they're just all looking down at us. So brands like, well, I want number two because it's I know it's overpriced It's 515, but it does have a huge primary room and Jolly's like, and no one can't No, my kitchen. So Laura's like, I'm scared of the price. So I love I love house number three

You know the one with the seafoam door. Jolly's like, uh, I love I love house number three. You know the one with the C foam door. Jolly's like I live door Jelly hates all the renovations. I mean she just yes just wants a white fucking kitchen That's already there. So Lori's like that price. No, and I know you think I'm crazy But you know what what the one that's 370, at least room for improvement. And Jellica's like, oh my God, that's so many renovations. And Brian's like, yeah, but you and I have bought a house before,

haven't we, Laurie? And Jellica, and now listen, I'm gonna get in bad mode now, because I'm gonna call her by her full name, instead of Jellica. Jellica, someone plays in music. Brewery guy, could you start some music? Get out of the store, Trum sir. All right,ellie, someone plays some music. Brewery guy, could you start some music? Get out of the storage room, sir.

All right, we're gonna go without the music. And Jellica is the newest edition. So I think, and Jellica, you can be the deciding factor. I choose Laurie. I choose Laurie. So, know about the house. Both banks.

Both banks. Both banks. Would you say seriously, Amariggas, we just want you to feel equal. And she says, okay, well, I've listened to your sign and I've listened to your sign. And if you trust me, I think I know the right house. The one where I don't, where I have to park on the street and I can view the toilet.

Oh! And I have to adore weekly jokes about Jellies last jam. Yay! They totally manipulated Jellie. They totally manipulated her. Jellies are not cool. They got the one without the three car garage. I mean, at the very least, that's the one thing that this lady asked for. Well, she's like, this is a real sign of equality of three car garage. So they get

the two car garage. I would actually argue it's probably the most important feature because the truth is it is Colorado and it's going to be super snowy. And like the fact that one of them has to park outside, like that is fucked up because you know that Brian's not parking is car outside, despite the fact that he works from home. So like, Jelly literally lost out on everything that she wanted and she even lost the metaphorical battle too, which I think is just very sad. So yeah, it really sucks.

So, Laurie, but Laurie's like, we literally wake up every morning and you see the views, which is the whole reason we moved to Colorado in the first place, okay? So live here, you see the views, which is the whole reason we moved to Colorado in the first place. Okay. So live here, look at the views and make jelly feel like she's still not part of the relationship. You see me bunnies today, Brian. He's like the fat ones back. And I just wrote the man always wins.

This is so unfair. Yeah. So Brian's like, we've been here two weeks and we're still getting settled and they're super excited about the wide open space and they had to go over asking because there were a lot of offers so they got it for $5.25 and the way it's like, well,

the price definitely made me uncomfortable but we do have three incomes. And so a fucking jelly gets sick of getting snow off our fucking car. And it does get snow on you. You. You. And so she drives until her car freezes over and you have to replace it. Yeah, until Jellie loses a limb because it got fucking frozen off and she turned blue.

Until you find Jellie outside by the car the next morning like Jack Nichols in at the end of the shining. Spoiler. Oh, yeah, Jellie is like, I can in at the end of the shining. Spoiler. Oh. So, yeah, jelly is like, I can look past the kitchen. I can look past the three garage. And at the end of the day, it's what fits our family of five the best.

Soon to be a family of four, use our fantastic Brian and gets his shitty office and there's room for kids to play and nothing for me. And then Brian goes, we got our show's novel for, snow shovel for Christmas. She's like, on the grandma comes over with the kids and they're like,

oh my god, kids, look, it's a backyard. Oh my god. It's good. And that was it. So everyone, thank you so much for listening to this episode of Dwell Hello. And remember, we have Dwell Hello's every Friday for the next few weeks and if you want to listen to some bravo stuff we

also have the rest of Watercrapins also here on this podcast feed so just subscribe and you'll just get the content you want and that's the joy of podcasting. Thanks so much everyone for listening. Bye! Bye! short survey at 1dry.com slash survey.