Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello: Who's The Boss in Bali?

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

A New Orleans couple relocates to Bali on the House Hunters International episode "Who's The Boss in Bali?" (S145 E7 on Discovery Plus) Will Barney Rubble get his way? Will geckos poop on their faces? And how important *are* walls anyway??Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to Dwell Hello, or watch our crap-ins, house hunters recap show. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. How's going, Ronnie? Good baby. How you doing, Ben? I am just a fab, you know, just sitting here, ready to talk some more house hunters with you. We got a fun episode today. This one is House Hunters International. who's the boss in Bali you can find that on YouTube TV by typing in that phrase

who's the boss in Bali this one is not on YouTube TV this one is actually Discovery Plus I'm so sorry you know what who's the boss Ronnie's the boss right now Ronnie is the boss of the details I bought that shit up

yeah because it's hard to find these sometimes as we mention every episode the easiest way is to just type that title in to Discovery Plus and it'll pop up right up for you. So this is about a Barney Rubble type and his gangly girlfriend and they're from New Orleans and they're going to change their lives. Yeah. Yeah, they're going to change their lives by moving to Bali, Indonesia. And, you know, I feel like it's just another one of these tales of a guy who is, his dad put an idea into his head one time when he was a child. And now he's just forcing that. that notion out onto some poor lady in his life.

We are starting to see a lot on the show, like a common theme is guys with daddy and mommy issues. Like, I know that's probably a common theme in life, but really we see it featured on this show more than we do anything else. Yeah, we really do. We cover a lot of shows.

Yeah, we do. So the narrator is like, well, moving to Bali is a dream come true for Justin. And Justin's like, for me, it's a place where we had to move just because of the feeling again. us. That's the same reason I'm moving away from the TV, Justin. I know Barney Rebel. And then Linda says, now if he can just get Nikki to go with the flow,

and we just see Nikki, Nikki doesn't even have to say anything and we know that this poor woman has gone with the flow for too many years in this relationship. She just looks like, be down. The flow. She does. She's just a real tall way. She's got the 90s eyebrows that are real thin and very highly arched. And she's at that age where they just don't grow back anymore. I am a child of that era. And my eyebrows, I've been trying for years to get them back. And they just don't come back. And so she's just going with it.

She's like, you know what? I don't give a fuck. I'm Nikki. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want. If I have to move to fucking Bali for my eyebrows not to look as insane as they do in America, I'll do it. I'll give a fuck. Nikki looked so uncomfortable through this entire episode. She looked uncomfortable with the idea of being on house hunters.

She looked uncomfortable with the idea of living in Bali. She looked uncomfortable with, like, her family finding out that this is the man that she is romantically attached to. She just didn't seem to want to be there. She didn't, but she also did in a way. Like, I could tell that she loved him. Like, she's a hairdresser chick. She's got, like, a real short haircut and then, like, a scarf in her head at all times. Like, that lady, Rosie the regular with, like, the...

She's kind of got that kind of... a vibe and the 90s eyebrows and she they have that kind of relationship where they're just giving each other shit all the time yeah but she ultimately loves him but i also feel like she's that girl at the party or guy really who will just like get into the car with anybody you know if someone's like hey you want to ride home she'll be like yeah sure why not you know so i'm not like you're drunk you're falling down or that car only has three wheels on it or weren't you arrested for a drunk driving last week. Like, she doesn't care.

She'll just go and just see where it leads. Judgment may be a challenge is what we're saying, you know. And I just, I think probably a lot of that's wrapped up in this, in this guy that she's chosen to be with. So we see them, we go to New Orleans, Louisiana, as opposed to New Orleans, Minnesota. And she is about to give him, this guy, her, a haircut. And he's like, he's like, yeah, come on, let's get this over with. She goes, you love me cutting your hair.

I have to say, now I really am on Team Nicky this whole episode. And I really, I really like Nikki. And I want to support her. I'm already concerned from the beginning about this guy's haircut. It's not great. It's a little... First of all, it's already done. Okay, she does not give him a haircut.

And I don't know if we're all fucking idiots who watch his show or what. But she has clippers, but no hair ever falls off of him. Nothing ever changes on his head. and there's no hair anywhere in the scene except on his head. Now, I will say we do get close-ups of his head. His haircut is fucking terrible. You see the lines with each, you see where she changes the razor. It's like, it looks like a terrace garden, you know, or like a terrace farm.

It's terrible. Mickey, are you going to Bali because you've been kicked out of every fantastic Sam's in America? Like, have you run out of Fantastic Sams to get fired from? This shit is terrible. Blend those lines. So anyway. So yeah, they're doing that snarky thing with each other where he's like, uh-oh, want me what I'm in for.

And she's like, you know you love me good in your hair. So we've been together now for it. And he's like, forever it feels like. And then she gives him a look like, really? You want a little riveter in your face? Say it again. He's like, yeah, I would always ask my barber. Hey, who's that lady with the long neck?

She's gorgeous. She's probably like, thanks. I've been self-conscious about that my entire life. Thanks for just broadcasting that onto TV. Long neck, Nicky is what they called me. I always loved the tall neck, huh? So I kept going in and saying, I think I've had some growth right here, right here,

until I got the guts to talk to her. And she laughs. And she's like, yeah, I had my own salon in New Orleans for almost 10 years. And I don't think I realized how stressed out I was. And Justin's like, yeah, and I work as a mental health coordinator. and offered no services to Nikki, unfortunately. And it's, you know, it's stressful in some aspects, you know, and I don't, I don't want,

I don't want to work in Bali. I'm like, wait, so he wants to move to Bali, it does not work? Is that his plan? You're a mental health coordinator. Are you trying to coordinate your own appointments? I do not believe for one second that this man is coordinating anyone else's mental health. No, and if he is, then, yeah, we really need to prioritize putting some more funding into mental health in this country. If you are, share the ICAL with yourself, sir. Okay. So he's like, yeah,

yeah, I'm not going to work in Bali, which I love a man with, uh, promise like that. I love that, see what I said when Nikki will just get in the car? She's like, oh yeah, there's my guy. Quit mental health and now he's not going to do shit in Bali while I support him. Yeah. Sounds fun. Just, you know what? Red flags. I'm going to say a red flag I'm seeing, he wants to move to a different country across the globe and not work. please Nikki just stay in New Orleans New Orleans is vibrant and lovely you'll be very happy there so he's like you know they got bugs in Indonesia right

she's like oh so he tells us his backstory his father and him would go scuba diving for years and he told us all about Bali Indonesia yeah and so Nikki's like yeah so like we talked about it but then suddenly we're going to visit I mean we loved it Yeah, I mean, it was outside. There was a lot of outside there. There were monkeys. It was a resort town.

It was a tourist destination. You know, emphasis on tourist destination, not a place to move destination. But I guess the one thing that one thing that Justin didn't do with his mental health coordination is coordinate his daddy issues out of his self. So we're going to move there. Yeah. And he was like, would you ever? think of moving away and he's like it was just a joke she's oh really it's all a joke okay good I just pretend cut it you hair for free you dick you want to hear a joke your hair's the same length

so then now we meet their realtor guy who's like a property expert who looks sort of like Peter McNichael you remember Peter McNichael you know who that is yes I think he's got a little more Isaac Mizrahi myself I was gonna say that too he is sort of like a little bit of both and He this guy can't stand them As most of the realtors He can't stand them But you also get the feeling

Like he's also desperate for social interaction So he's like very happy To be talking to them But he hates him at the same time I get the impression He's running from something And I know we say that a lot on this show Especially the international

But don't you There's something about him That's just like I can seem at like Cocktail parties in Manhattan You know what I mean Being like Oh did you hear about the new

the new he stole his dead aunt's jewelry he stole his dead aunt's jewelry and moved to Indonesia yeah he's like did you hear about the camelot revival I mean trash am I right Bill what happened to sets like he's that kind of guy but then he had to run and now he's like stuck in fucking Indonesia the rest of his family is doing six degrees of separation

where they just talk around cocktail parties about a crime that was perpetuated on them they're like can you believe it Jared we always thought he was so nice you know he never had his stuff together he never did you know what? At the end of the day, he needed Aunt Ruth's jewelry more than we needed it. Okay? Wherever he is, we're happy for him. I knew when he was 14 years old and he came home with that Dr. Frankenstein haircut. I mean, who, what boy his age was trying to look like Madeline Con and young Frankenstein?

You know what I'm saying? Do you know? It just never went up from there. He never even went to Amist. He told us he was going to Amist. Okay, four years we thought he was at a small liberal arts college. Guess what? who was working at Blockbuster in eastern Pennsylvania all that time.

Can you believe it? So Jared's like, Ubu is the best on the island. I mean, wow, what a place. And Justin goes, yeah, very autistic. Yeah, he goes, he goes, very cultural oriented. It's like, thank you. It's just them.

It's like, yeah, it's such like a, like a person from America going someplace, like, I love how culturally oriented this is. It's like, it's just, The culture. It's there. It's literally a culture, you ding-dong. Everyone's on a scooter, right? There's like hundreds of scooters here. And a scooter, and by the way, when you see in these countries what they're allowed to put on their scooters,

because America has all these. I just drove a Vespa for years or road a Vespa, pardon me. And you're not allowed to carry shit, okay? But I would still stack my laundry and every, like three bags of laundry on the back with all these bungee cords. And I did it from seeing videos of people over there. They'll put everything. They'll have like two or three babies on there with them. We saw a lady who passed by with like wooden, you know how when you're framing a house, you make the wood frames.

She's carrying like all the wood frames for a house on the back of a scooter and it passes them. And Justin goes, very artistic. So now Jared is saying like, you know what? This is like, it's like a jungle city. You're basically living in the jungle here. So if, I don't know, your aunt Celeste is calling to say, hey, you have to give back those jewels. They can't reach you because you're living in a jungle. Theoretical situation.

And Justin's like, it's such a cultural city. The people, the friendliness, the embrace they gave us. It pulled on my heart. The unexpectedness. The unknowing is kind of exciting. You don't want to work. Your ass is not going to work. You'll be excited to fucking move anywhere.

I cannot believe you found somebody to take your ass. And I just always love when Americans do this. It's like, ugh, the people there were so kind when I, like, they all gave me hugs. They all smiled me. Like, they hated you. I guarantee everyone hated you. Don't act like. It's like this super patronizing way that people talk about going to other countries.

Like, look at these simpletons from a different country. They just enjoyed us so much when we showed up. There are service people, you fucking idiots. It's like the people at the hotel. They're like, can I take your bags? She's like, oh my God, they are so kind in Mexico. They are so sweet. So they're in the car now driving around.

And Nikki's like, I mean, I never really planned on moving away from New Orleans. And Justin's like, yeah, I mean, it was hard to even get her to visit. She goes, yeah, I'm concerned about moving away from our family. Like, no one has eyebrows like mine either. And like finding work, it's not going to be a vicky. It's not going to be a vacation. You know, like, what am I going to? to do like i plan on doing something having to do with hair because that's what i've done my whole life so

yeah yeah justin's like yeah well there's uh there's a there's a lot more than just like what you're used to nicky like oh okay so she should just change everything she enjoys doing because you want to fulfill your daddy's dreams so they the three of them sit in a cafe and jared's like okay so you guys just decided to spontaneously move here and see what happens when you arrive right so um Let me reframe that. You guys are idiots. Okay, right? We agree.

You guys are both idiots, right? And so what do you want? What kind of house do you guys have in mind? And Nikki says, well, I'd love like modern style closer to civilization kind of. You're in a jungle, Nikki. You don't get to go. You don't get to go to the jungle and complain to the jungle that it's a jungle. Right.

Okay. And Justin's like, that's the exact opposite of what I want. Like, I want an authentic Balinese home. with like a lush garden and trees all around me. I was like, yeah. It's just like this, I don't know. By the way, they're all authentic Bellany's homes because they're all homes in Bali.

Yes. And she's like, I don't want to have bugs in my house. So Jared's like, well, you can't come here and avoid the nature guys is part of the package, okay? And Justin's like, yeah, modern or not. And also, I pay more for a pool because I enjoy swimming. Oh, so you're not going to be working and demanding a pool from your girlfriend.

Exactly. Exactly. And she's like, I don't really care about a pool. I mean, if we have to pay more, we're not going to get a pool. And so her budget is $700 a month. And Jared is like... Well, by the way. L fucking O'L, you too.

Again, Americans just being like, well, it's a different country from ours. So we can just offer up $2 a month. And I think they'll probably be happy to take that. So Jared goes, um, well, it's possible. to find something for 700. It depends on whether it meets your standard. How do you feel about walls in your house? Okay, just thinking about an idea I have for later.

I notice that people come here with a romantic notion first. They just love the nature, don't they? Well, let's see if they love this. And he just goes over a pothole. And then his face is so happy. He's like, ha, ha, ha. And Justin goes, yeah, the road's here, real exceptional guy. Yeah, Jared.

trying to do everything to scare them out. So those, the ones, the houses that they want, they're actually really hard to live in. They're not as comfortable as some of the more modern settings. Again, walls. See, it's a thing that people take for granted. But I think they're going to be in for a surprise in this episode. So House One, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, done, the modern build and ubued. So he's like, okay, so here we have a quiet, peaceful nature feel, but you're all.

also close to town. You're about 10 minutes from town. And she's like, wait a minute. That's far. And he goes, yeah, I mean,

well, it's far enough way to believe I might be Isaac Mizrahi if you squint. And she's like, so I'm not walking. So like, she's basically like,

why do we have to live all the way out here 10 minutes from town? She's like, there's jungle everywhere. We don't need to have it in our backyard. We can be pretty close to it

in other places. So they go into this very small house. Like it's a one-bed room, but it's, it kind of feels like a studio, even though it's not. It has no pool, 700 a month, and it's sort of like a, it's a sort of bright, white kind of space that they keep on trying to say, like, this is so modern. I mean, it's modern in the sense that it doesn't look like it was built in the 19th century, but this is not like. Well, it's like Balinese farmhouse modern. Yeah, what I mean? Because it's really cute. It looks like the insubes.

side of a, what's that store at the Grove that's real girly. Anthropology. Yeah, it looks like an anthropology set. You know, like it's really pretty. The floors are, the floorboards are painted white. Lots of windows. Really pretty. The countertops are white.

There's like a big kind of a grand bed for the, I mean, I think it's a beautiful space. It's cute. His problem with it is that it looks like it's from a magazine, and I love that people complain about that. I love that. Like, you want to spend $700 a month. He shows you something from the pages of, glamor and you're like, ew. And also, where does he get his notions of the Bollini's house that he wants to live in?

From magazines, from media, like everything comes from there. Yeah. So. And he goes, well, this is too modern for me because the one thing I like is the dinner bell. Because she knows when I get hungry, she needs to have the food prepared. And she goes, oh, yeah, I think that one more fucking time I'm going to shove it so far up your ass. It's going to ding every time I punch you in the throat, you fuck. By the way.

And also, like, when he's like, this is just like way too. modern and we see a wide shot there's like a shelving unit there's like a nice sink and everything else just sort of like standard it's a chair it's a sofa and everything and he's acting like everything as concrete surfaces and stainless steel you know fixtures everywhere like he's in some cold Scandinavian fortress like sir he's acting like it's a shelf he's acting like someone from pioneer town you know seeing an escalator for the first time yeah sir sir it's a shelving unit it's a shelf

so he's like yeah it's like from a magazine and Nikki likes it of course because it's pretty yeah and so he's like oh my God this is such a modern bed

though I like that and it has a ship sail above it and Derek it's like oh actually that's a net and that catches the geckos that are above the bed so they don't fall on your head

while you're sleeping and they're like ew and Nikki goes gecko toilet gecko toilet yeah I think it was to project them from the gecko's pooping on them, but probably also just anything,

anything gecko related falling on their faces in the middle of the night, which then I was like, wait, why don't all the other houses have gecko toilets on them? Because not a great, I mean,

like, you know, for someone, for Nikki, who doesn't want to be around bugs, I think the, the prospect of gecko poop on her face is, that's pretty tough.

I don't want to hear her getting picky when she's with that guy. I'm sorry. She's already, you don't get to pick anything. Gecko poop. Yeah. They shouldn't even show you anything.

You married this guy, or they're not married, are they? You know what this guy. They should just fucking, they should say, here's, give me your $700. You get what you take. You get what we give you. Okay. That's what you're willing to take. I hope people who have not watched this really appreciate that when Ronnie said this guy

was like a Barney Rebel. I mean, it's about as literal as can be. Like he literally looks like Barney Rubble. Just put him in the little brown, you know, like fur thing with the, the tie and it's Barney Rebel. Hey, hey, great. So, Justin, he's like, yeah, I'm a huge fan of gecko poop. He goes, well, I do like that Ricefield view from the bedroom.

And Nikki's like, yeah, a gecko just pooped in my hair. And also, when a gecko poop's in your hair, I have to cut that hair. So my sisters have to go into gecko poop. So can we go back to America now? Yeah, she's like, not happy about the gecko poop. So, by the way, they're all sweat. sweating through their clothes. That's the other thing.

That's all. It's not even light. It's extremely heavy sweating through their clothes and their jazz. It's like, what are you doing? I get it. I get that that's the place, but you guys want to move to Bali and you're complaining about the gecko poop. How has not one person said, I'm fucking hot.

I know. It's just sweating. And there's that too. And so then they're sort of like summarizing their feelings. And Nikki's like, well, I like the white colors. I like that it's modern. not too happy about the gecko poop I love

gecko poop put that on the Zillow listing so then Justin we get some more Justin's story he's like I used to go catch alligators at home so I'm cool with geckos yeah same thing

exactly the same thing the alligators are not above your head while you're sleeping you fucking idiot and he goes yeah and actually we talked about sacrificing so I don't get it your girlfriend

What are you going to sacrifice the alligator gecko that you're willing to live with? And then like finally some bug is like, don't worry. Don't worry, Nikki. I got your back. Let me handle this. And the bug just gets like right up into Justin's face. He's talking about like, you know, another con is there's no pool. And then when the bug gets in his face, he starts like doing like a bewitching thing with his nose.

He's like, yeah. Freaking his face up. And Jared tells us, he's like, I think that Justin has a dominant. personality, but I feel that Nikki's going to be the one that has to be ultimately you think? I'm like, why don't you just say it? Nikki is the only person in this relationship with the job, and she's the only person who's ever going to work again.

I need to try and please Nikki. No, no one is trying to please Nikki. That's the thing. Because Justin is like, he's just like a human piece of cheese. And he's sitting there. He complains about the bug. He goes, he touched my iris. So Jared is just staring at them like, you people are deranged.

I mean, I have a crazy family. I robbed my family and you people are deranged. So they go to the Ubuid market and Nick's like, hey, you want to get that slingshot or you want to get the guitar? And he's like, I'm going to get this outfit. She goes, oh yeah, I could actually see you in that. And it's a pair of like red soap pajamas with like bright flowers on it. And that is probably him right now with a little bongo drum.

somewhere in the jungle, live in his best life. Yep. And he says, you know, for me, Bali is a place that we had to move to just because of the feeling it gave us. It's like, oh, that's great. What is the feeling you get from not having a job and supporting yourself in Bali right now? Because I'd like you to consider that feeling too. And then Nikki tells us their most romantic story. She's like, when I met him, he paid for everything with cash.

He didn't have a bank account. And he had a flip phone. Meanwhile, this is three years ago, you guys. This is not like a 20-year-old show. And he goes, yeah, I mean, can you really trust the banks? I mean, I think he's joking. But I also feel like he was sort of not joking. So Nikki goes, well, we're both growing.

I'm teaching him about society. And he just learned how to use a napkin. So we're really proud of that. And yeah, we're growing. He's like, thanks to her. I'm learning to read now. So thanks for that. So she's like, yeah, well, what I'm really concerned about is getting work.

here, like, you know, like I'm looking around the market. I don't really see people walking around with hairstyles that I do, you know? Literally no one has a hairstyle, okay? They just pan around the people to market. And it's just ladies with their hair at a bun or their hair pulled back or something. She's like, oh, my God, how am I going to style? I didn't see too many buzzcuts that had lines going up the side of the scalp. So just don't have her style.

So Justin's like, I'm looking forward to not working. It's like, she's like great. So love that. Love that pressure you're putting on Nikki. And he goes, everything's going to be fine. Everything's going to work out. Listen, I'm a straight white male. Things just work for me.

Don't worry about it, babe. So then they're on the car driving around and she's like, I thought Nola had bad traffic. This is insane. But it's all scooters zooming in and out. Yeah. So then Jared is like, by the way, Jared is, a property expert.

Yes. Is that what they're always called? I don't know. I don't know in different countries. Like maybe in different countries, they're not called realtors. Maybe because I feel like the process of buying land and houses in different countries is different. So maybe they don't refer to them as realtors. I'm not sure.

I feel like Justin demanded this from producers. But I think Justin's like, I'll do it. But I need a hairstylist, not as a customer for myself. And I need to be titled, Properties. expert when I come on the screen. Promise me. Yeah. Meanwhile, like Jared, all he does is sit in cafes and, like, read newspapers and, like,

sell dinosaur embryos. So now we go to House number two. And Jared's like, why do you keep saying you need a pool? Do you swim at home? And he goes, yeah. And Nick is like, no, you don't. You don't have a pool. And he goes, hey, how many baths have I taken over the years?

Okay. This guy, I'm going to need a mental health coordinator by the end of this episode. And when your girlfriend can count the number of baths, that's a really sad word. Just, Nicky, just go, Nikki, just go. I'm begging you. So Jared, at this point, now Jared just fucking with him. He's like, he's like, look, he goes, he tells us, I don't think we discussed open air living with them when I met them.

So I'm going to show them something that has that. And I'm going to make some judgment about whether or not they're going to accept that. I mean, they probably won't because why would anyone? but let's just see how this goes. So yeah, this is an outdoor home and it's in the jungle. So it's green. And Nikki goes, wow, a lot of green. Yeah, lots of greenery.

And this place is $850 a month. So she starts to freak out. And Jared goes, okay, don't be such party poopers here because you're going to be sharing a pool in the front of the house. And so they've got a nice pool, community pool. And Justin, Justin, who's not working, proudly, then goes, for $850, I would expect a pool in my yard. I'm like, how about for $850, you would get like a doormat. What are you talking about?

You get a whole pool in your yard for $150 extra dollars a month. I know. He goes, but this terrace is nice. And Jared's like, this is not the terrace. This is actually your living room. He goes, huh, huh. So, Jared's trying to make us pay $8.50 to live outside. That's what he's telling us.

She goes, so there's no walls? And he's like, no, guys, this is a mood. And this is very standard. Okay? I've been telling you this over and over again. Please prepare to get emotionally raw because all the walls are down. So Justin goes, I like it. No walls.

Cool. And he's like, huh? She keeps going, huh? She goes, you're crazy. I feel like, I have. have so many questions like, uh, what happens when it rains? Like, yeah, what do I do? And he's like, um, you get used to, he goes, oh, that's why there's bamboo

curtains there. And Nick's like, yeah, but, uh, what about the cleaning? Doesn't it get dirty? And he's like, you have to get used to taking care of a tropical home dummy. Okay, this is a rustic field. Justin asked for us. So stop your bitching. And Justin's like, I said modernly rustic. the fuck you idiot okay learn the language okay or just point at things that you like so we can understand what the fuck you want Nikki's like um I don't see

modern at all in here also don't see walls you know it really helps me feel like I'm in a modern home just some classic standard walls you know so that our belongings can be contained uh

people don't steal them you know so then they go into the kitchen and um It's not good. This is probably the worst part, I think. The kitchen is really bad.

The wall thing, it's unorthodox for us, you know, based on, you know, we're here in this country. We are used to having walls. But I can see adapting to that. The kitchen, that's a challenge. The kitchen, yeah, the kitchen's really bad. Just because there's nothing in there. It's terrible. You know, there's not equipment.

Like, what the fuck you're going to do in there? Yeah, it is bad. And so as they walk in there, Jared's like, watch your head, Nikki. And Justin goes, yeah, I'll watch mine too. And he goes, oh, now you're okay, little man. Okay, come on in. Jared's like, oh, that felt so good to get out. I just, I needed to get a passive-aggressive comment out very quickly.

I love that Jared, like, openly hates them. Hates them. And so, by the way, it's very bright in here. There's no walls in the house. And they go, it's dark. It's so dark in here. What do you two want, okay? You don't want walls.

Now there's too many walls. Make up your mind. And Nikki's like, it's a bit. get dingy in here, don't you think? And he's like, I don't know. He's like, yeah, it's a little cluttered. I was like, you guys don't have walls. It's not cluttered.

So, um, they go upstairs. There's two bedrooms. I looked like one of the bedrooms did have an air conditioning unit, which I was very happy for. And Nikki is like, you know, the room I'm not certain about like the bamboo, the dark wood, the cracks. Yeah. Because there's like visible.

It's not even. even nailed down to the wood. There's like gaps between the roof and the, yeah. There's going to be a lot of gecko poop. How many times does he have to explain to you people? You're living outside, okay? But there was no gecko poop toilet, I noticed. So they're also, are they living outside, but they're going to get gecko poop on their face.

Yeah, they're going to be getting facials in there. But then the other best, the other bedroom, the primary is big. It's nice. It has kind of a, uh, floor on the bed in a good way, you know, like a platform bed. And it's actually really pretty, I think. And then there's a balcony that opens up and you oversee the whole jungle and the city in the distance. And she's like, oh, well, this is stunning because the jungle is down there.

Okay. Yeah, it was. It was a beautiful view. And Justin's like, I'm surprised. She likes one thing about a house that I like, I don't need to hear it, Justin. yeah shut up Justin so she's like but

I said seven you said this is 850 so what the fuck man and he goes however you do get two bedrooms and Justin's like we don't get a pool and he goes well the pool is possible let's see what we can do so monkeys now we see monkeys in a

waterfall love both of those things yeah I was worried is this house number three just monkeys in a waterfall like you'll be living behind a waterfall and these are going be your neighbors some monkeys but this is your pool this waterfall yeah there is this it's a waterfall there's water and uh and nicky is like looking at this pool of water apprehensively she's doing what i would do which is like are there parasites in there are there critters what's going to bite my toe

is there like a commodo dragon in there how will this pool of water kill me he's like this girl she's got a page written down for everything in her life from like when she wakes up to when she goes to bed. I don't do that because I got a ledger up here. So that's all I need. Like all that a ledger for all that nothing you're going to be doing. You're waking up for not work. Yeah. Your goals are literally do nothing. I love what people like this say, oh, this person, they're always planning as if that's like a bad thing. Like, wow, someone is anticipating something for the future. Yeah. So that's like their little cute scene and they're hugging. Like she's all over him in the water like she loves him and i just wrote god there really is a pot for every lid

in this world it's true you know how like the tupperware lid may not fit but you still use the damn tupperware you just like put some plastic wrap with the rubber band around it you know and you just make it fucking work and that's nicky okay she's the tupperware with the lid that doesn't she's like a universal lid and i don't mean that in like a slutty way i mean that like she she she basically what you said. So, um, uh, so yeah, Jared's like, oh, God, these two. Am I right, everyone? I get the feeling that Nikki is the one with a stronger sentiment of like what she's going to find here, whereas Justin may be like more flexible, but sort of boorish at the same time. And I'm pretty sure that this next house combines both of their wishes for her, um, a house that has walls and a roof that connects

to the walls. And for him, um, some obnoxious childhood dream of living in the jungle that his father fostered in him. So I think we could do it. So he's like, so what do you guys like to eat? And Justin goes, seafood, I'm on the eat what I see diet. I somehow missed that and I feel really good about that. I miss that he said that. You're moving to Bali with the guy who's the use of the seafood joke. Come on, man. I know. So he's like, they're going to like this, but it's got a cost them. So they walk in and right in the front yard, there's a pool. A pretty pool. A pretty pool. A pretty And the house so far Like nice yard

Nice pool has two bedrooms But here's the twist It costs 950 a month So Nikki is like What? Come on man That's crazy By the way Ronnie I'm watching this

I'm thinking okay Come on actors I know like oh yeah Acting like this is too expensive Like this is clearly the house they're gonna pick Like this is gonna be the one We know they'll scrounge up the money I did too

Yeah because this one's like like way the best. This is like beyond a doubt. This is the best. This is the this sort of house where you say I was going to come to Bali and not work, but I decided to pick up a gig so I can actually live in this beautiful house. I decided to work one day a week so I could live in a beautiful home. Yeah. Fucking lazy shit. Seriously. Oh, um, Jared's like guys, you can't have two bedrooms in a pool in a central location for $700. Okay. And then Nikki goes, you don't tell me what I can and can. I was like, oh, yes. There's the Mickey I've been waiting to see.

And most importantly, she goes, I hate you both. So they go inside and it is, it's nice. I mean, it's modern-ish, right? It's pretty modern. I thought it was more modern than the first one. It's got tiles, nice colors, just sort of like an open concept. There's a nice dining room table, but there's like rustic elements that way Justin can sort of feel like he is living in nature, you know? And Justin goes, oh, yeah, the best thing, the price is fair.

Also, this is too bright. Who says that when they go? I've never heard anybody say, this house is too bright. I mean, literally, people pay so much money to get windows put in their homes to make their house as bright as possible, sir. Never heard that. What you realize, you're just going to have more lights on and spend electricity and you'll have a higher utility bill. It's called get a mask. Get a little nighttime mask.

So especially it's sold with the beautiful kitchen because it's new cabinets, granite countertops, a stove, an oven of full-sized fridge. It's the first place with the full fridge. Yeah. And he's like, you guys don't understand a full-sized fridge here is a luxury. And Nicky's like, we can't afford this. I mean a fridge? Have you seen my boyfriend? I mean, I don't think you could get like with a private pool and this nice kitchen.

I don't think you could get this for $9.50 in the same. States. Okay. And so like I think this is a tremendous deal for two people's incomes. Okay. Not to count other people's money, but honestly for two people's incomes, they can cover the $9.50 a month. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Except that he's not willing to get a job. Then he's like, oh, but let's go look at the pool because I'll swim every day is starting now. Promise. And she's like, don't do it. And he jumps in, of course, for this clothes on because he's wacky. And the real estate guy, it comes to the real estate guy.

And he's like, um, I don't think I'd want to put up with Justin on a daily basis. I got to hand it to Nikki for putting up. Yeah, my hat's off to Nikki. Wow. Wow. They're terrible. I was really looking forward to some new English-speaking friends, but just never going to hang out with them here, ever.

My hat's off to Nikki, but at the same time, I want to put that hat on Nikki because that hair's got to go to. I mean, this couple's a fucking mess. They're a mess. So Nikki's like, you're crazy and you're crazy. And obviously we all need to talk about this. Okay. And Justin's like, this is all just a little too modern for me. And so, and Nikki thinks it's too expensive.

So Justin says it like he's always compromising and he never gets what he wants. But this time he will. How is he compromising? He's the one who wanted to move to Bali. That is literally the definition of getting what you want. Yeah. So they sit down to do the decision. And he's like, Nick, he's like, oh my God, I can't believe we're living here.

And he's like, we're not living here till we get a house. So they talk about him. The house number one is the one out of a magazine. And they both just go at the same time, gecko toilet. House number two has no walls, but it's rustic. And Justin's like, I love that. Love rusty. Love rustic, no walls.

And then house number three. Perfect on paper, perfect in person, slightly more money. So obviously the worst choice of all. Yes, exactly. So then they talk it over and they're like, number three, it was the closest to what we wanted between modern and rustic, but it's too modern.

And she's like, is that the only thing you didn't like? And he's like, yeah, because it had a pool. So you're thinking, okay, so she'll choose house number three. Good, they figured it out. But then she starts saying about house number, she starts talking about house number two. I'm like, why is this discussion still going? And she's like, I'm just concerned about the bugs in house number two. I would normally say I get worried that the bugs can get into the house,

but it's more like we get into the bug's house because there's no walls. So I'm a little worried about that. You are. That's the thing about that. And that's what I was thinking. It's like you're living in the jungle. They were there first, you know? and if I was living there, I would not be thinking about the bugs.

I'd be thinking about the snakes. Yeah. Okay? Aren't there a lot of snakes and jungles? All the animals, the monkeys. Well, monkeys I love. But yeah, you better have something to lock up your food and shit. Yeah, and I feel like they'd take my furniture.

I feel like monkeys would take my little chair and they'd just pick it up to a tree. They'd come take your Nintendo Switch. Yeah, good luck playing Nintendo with monkeys around. So, yeah, they choose house number two. Now, I realized why. Because I feel like Nikki has enough self-respect to go for house number three. But then we find out, Nikki was never planning on being there. Nikki got a job training salons all over.

She got a job in Bangkok where they sent her around to salons that she trains them in different styles. And you know, you know, the eyebrow craze took off in Bangkok after this. People are like, I want a big frowny face as an eyebrow. Can you do that? Let me tell you something. These two are not going to make it. Okay. She is literally going to a whole separate country for her job.

She's going across a sea to get to her job. Okay. And then she comes back and visits her wallless house once in a while to see how Barney Rebels doing. She pays the rent. And then she gets to fuck out of there. I mean, she's probably, she's probably never even there. She literally just got with this guy and left him in Bali. I was like, you can just break up with him.

Just break up. off with him. Just do it. She probably feels bad because she knows that she's supporting him, but she's like, well, you have one life. Sort of like what Sally Field says in those Boniva commercials, you have just this one life and this one body and a whole world to travel and just made me realize that, you know, just how our house doesn't have walls, I don't have to be walled in by this relationship. There's an entire planet to go to to avoid this guy. So that's what I'm going to do. Exactly. There's a much bigger market out there than the bars in no. You know, get out there, girl, you go, Nikki.

Wow, I can't believe they chose that house. I thought that house was like the crazy house that they do to scare us the people off into paying more money, but they chose it. Yeah, they got it. Wow. Well, everybody, that brings us to the end of Dwell. Hello, thanks so much for joining us.

We will be back in two weeks with a fresh episode. Thanks for being part of Wondry Plus. We love you. Bye, everyone. Bye.