Watch What Crappens - Falling For Christmas w Reality Gays Part Two

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

*Also avail Crappens On Demand video at https://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens* Part two of Falling For Christmas is here! Give us a listen. Would you rather watch these episodes? Join at the Crappens On Demand Level over at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for access to all of our videos and bonus episodes. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts! It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off! Voice only! Launching during Pride! Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chaz and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music,

or wherever you get your podcasts. I have cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cram, cr We are back for part two. This is Melanie Gays with Watch What Crappens. Gay Crappens. And then from Watch What Crappens. Hello everybody. Cheers. I'm Matt Mara Kay Maddie and that other the other one of the Queens talking of the other

Queen panel is Jake. Hello everybody. Or Poodle as I often call him, and it confuses older people. They go, I'm confused sometimes. It's a concern. Yes. You know, if you are, if you watch,

listen to the second half, you go, oh, wait a minute, I haven't watched the movie. What did you talk about before? Just watch the first three minutes in your car. That's a lot of time on the critics. Pretty much. I'm to catch up on this long. Okay.

Also, we've talked about a lot. So just go back and listen to it. I can't recap the whole thing. But it's a very important information. It's called falling for Christmas on Netflix. And we've got a lot of bad

gainess. Yeah. Yeah, just a recap. Okay, for real though. So just a recap what's happened in the movie. Yeah. Yeah, just a recap, okay, no for real though. So just a recap what's happened in the movie so far. Let's go and I was woken up and she's gone downstairs. Okay. Yeah.

And we meet Beauregard, bail mod. Beauregard. Beauregard. Beauregard. It is weird that he's named Beauregard and he's not Southern. I expect a Southern, I expect a full on like Kentucky Fried Chicken, Colonel Sanders, and like to... Hello, honey, how are you?

Daddy! It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me!

It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me! to this hotel used to be a plantation. You know, that kind of, yeah. What are those, like literally that chicken from, from, from Loonie? Yeah, Boghorn, like, horn, like, horn. We got lots of kind of people working here these days. What are you saying? I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I corn like what I call it. I call it like what? Yeah. But without a closet, he was in. No, yeah, exactly.

Oh, and it's played by Jack Wagner. Well, that's what I was going to say. The problem with this is the actor they had on tech was Jack Wagner. And they're like, Jack, can you give us some southern old man? He's like, no, I'm fucking Jack Wagner. That's not what I do. He's showing up.

Jack Wagner. Actually, I want the name of this. What I'm saying. I want the name of his character named Jack want the name of a character named to name Jack So we're gonna need to change that could we Jack Belmont like most of the name this entire thing should have been a musical It could have been even a jukebox musicals that way Jack Wagner could have sung his one-hit wonder Oh I need it's a fun my daughter. My name is yeah

What is no he had it one hit wonder that's his song all you know song all I need all I need that's Jack Wagner That is yeah, I know I didn't know that either. I know who else has a one hit wonder This is more of a reference to what Ron and I were talking about earlier today Vicky Lawrence She has a one hit wonder also and on out Georgia. Yeah. Yeah. It's just amazing. I want to know why you're talking about Vicki Lawrence, but that's why we're talking about it. We're a cover of Winter House.

Why wouldn't we be talking about Mama's family? Mama's family is brought up on our show, A Lot. A Lot. It was a big, I often refer to the off the shoulder dresses that women wear as Naomi dresses. Yes, the Naomi. I literally said that today. Yes, I said the off the shoulder. Yes, they're very...

People don't realize this as another one hit wonder. The song Faith. Most people think that's George Michael. It's actually Mr. Belvedere. So, like, there's a lot of... Interesting. Yeah. We forgot to have faith

Wesley what are you doing? Okay, so okay, let's do this we meet Jack Wagner and then we meet finally cord over street with the frosted tips and the game I need 30 pounds on him. I'm just saying that again. Every time he pops up, I want 30 pounds on him. But that's ready. I think he would do better. Maybe do better. By the way, I have to say something real quick about Jack Wagner.

I just want to congratulate him on his transition into Don Johnson. I think he's doing a great job so far. He is. He has stopped. He stopped. I don't think he did extra work. He did a certain amount of work and is letting that work

just rest. It's like when you're making a pudding and you're covering it so it'll chill, but you don't, you don't tightly cover it. You loosely cover it. You know, it's like how the saran wrap lays like it's not tight. But it's still like, now I want to put his, or the skin of a roast chicken after it's set out long enough. I feel like it's liable. I really feel like his features are in a battle between whether they want to be Kevin

Sorbo or Don Johnson. And he's just like sort of landing in this middle area. And he's like, I'm just going to be me. That's what I want. You know what? That is exactly because he looks like Jack Wagner and he doesn't look like Jack Wagner. I think he looks like Martina Nafra to Lowe. I was going to say he's got a, he is three inches away from older lesbian.

Yeah, he really is. We are, we're getting there. Yeah, he's getting that lady who is on the West Wing. And Jerry Jones or no, no, the press secretary. Jerry Jones, that's a bird like he's not not Alison Jenny, but he could look like a house of Jenny too. She's the one.

I'll look her up. I'll look at you. Very white. Men who have had work done who look like Cherry Jones. I think that's all that's all segment. Cherry Jones is my goal, but I'm going to end up Kathy Bates, man. I'm Kathy Bates. And I know it.

I know. And you know I'm happy. I love her. I'm happy. We all Bademan or Kathy Bates. And I know it. I know. And you know I'm happy I love her. And I love her. I'm happy I love her. We should all be so lucky. Janelle Maloney, I feel like he's on a Janelle Maloney. Janelle Maloney always looked confused in every single scene she was in.

Wouldn't you be? For her. That's a confusing shot. She probably had to be very smart to be. Oh, I can see that. I can see that. Yeah, I had to look around. Oh, I had to look around too. I forgot. Well, I would be confused. Well, she's probably sick of people being like, Oh, I learned you in that movie stepmom's like, no, that was Jenna Malone.

But it's so mean. That's why she looks just looks so unfulfilled all the time. Yes. I'm confusing her. So the reason we're talking about these characters is because cord over street, I always real name is Jake, but we're just going to call him cord otherwise it's going to get confusing. It's going to get confusing. Yeah.

And so we have a Jake. Yeah. Yeah. We have a lot of guy in movies are called Jake. That's just what that's also in real life. I have to say I haven't in movies are called Jake. That's just what, that's just like. Also in real life, I have to say, I haven't met Mugley Jake. We do pretty well.

I was one of the earlier people, I don't look like a Jake, because Jake's are usually strapping. Well, let's face it, you've strapped, you've strapped plenty. She's had a strap on, man. That's what I'm saying. I'm sure that you're no stranger to strapping sir I've been strapped several times yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah

We're going for a week I want one of these holiday movies to push the limits and be like oh here comes here comes a local with a little five o'clock shadow and And a nice sheerling jacket and his name is Fritz. And like, Fritz. No, it's always Jake, Ben, Matt. Oh, yes. Like, it's Chip. They're like, this is for, this is for the simple people.

We only need one syllable and the name. Keep it simple. There's never going to be a rondel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So, uh, he's like, Mr. Belmont, I have frosted hair. Glad I caught you. I'm Jake Russell. I own and then Jack Wagner's like, the North Star Lodge. What do you keep calling you? Your, your place is called the North Star Lodge. What the fuck? You're not going to be successful. That's where the

all Jesus and the wise men and all those people followed the North Star to find Jesus. Now I get that that's a very Christmassy. I just got that reference the North Star. I just got it. All these fucking poor people follow a star and they get to a hotel when they expect free room. I was thinking North whole, but you're right North Star. Are you expecting people to pay for a room called the North Star Hotel? Only poor people go there expecting for a free room from Jesus. What if it's all religious?

I thought North Star was that service you got for a car, so you knew it was. I think that's on Star. On Star. On Star. You got to be really Christian for that tour. Did you, did anybody catch the joke that he made that definitely Jeff bonnet or a PA put in? He's like, it looks like SpaceX in here.

That's to tell us that it's 2022. Yeah, I noticed that it actually made me mad. Other ones we wouldn't know. What time we were in. this we wouldn't know. What time we were in. Last time I checked that there was no spaceship being built in this tiny hotel lobby. That's most luxurious. And girls and bikinis and Santa hats.

And also in case you couldn't tell, this was a movie written by an older person. He said, Beauregard says, oh, my secretary mentioned that you called. Yeah. Secretary. Secretary. Hello there, Beauregard. Bill, my fault. It's Naomi.

Charlie, please take a mouthache. He's like listen. Mr. Joyce, the man is not calling. He's like, what made a say, son, too? Tell him I'm busy and I'm sick of taking this cause. I'm having a good health. But you don't pay me not to do this job. Oh. I said, this show was half 80s, half gauded. Just needed to leave into that. It's just like my secretary said you called 15 times.

I said, if you cause one more time, disconnect the MCI. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to leave into that. It's just like, my secretary said you called 15 times. I said, because one more time, disconnect the MCI. Oh, by the way, Cheryl, to get that scar from my wife. Thank you. Yeah, thank you so much, Mr. P. I. Well, that was it. Was it MCI, or maybe it was AT&T?

I'm so gay that I remember, I think it was AT&T. Was it Whitney Houston that did the commercial for AT&T? Like it was like a true, we almost have a call. It was like I doubtful. It was called it was it was it was it was winning. I'm on the top to somebody. It was called like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future.

It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. It's all like it is the future. get a recording of Whitney Houston singing that theme song. Wow. Wow.

Well, listen, MCI has huge gay cred because they actually got name checked in a Destiny child song. Remember in Bugaboo? It was like, I'm going to call MCI to get those. Yes. Oh, they did. They did. They did.

They did. Wow. This is a pack of gays. Oh, sorry. All songs about phones and long distance services. They just don't ring true like they don't the shame. I mean, cord overshoot also has gay cred because he has Robyn's haircut. So that's that's helpful. It's true. I mean, we'll get through this later, but this movie does kind of work through what's a problem now in new movies is that a lot of

80 movies where you were or even early 90s, you were stranded and couldn't get it, couldn't talk to anyone. So they actually handled that somewhat believable in this. But kind of. I want to, I'm going to, I want to address that that's why I keep asking is she famous? Because is this summit view where she goes like Brigadoune? I know. It just disappears into the mist and no one has access to it.

Well, that's the thing that really bugs me too, because like the sheriff doesn't know who the daughter is of the town. Like the nice swabs or like no one had any clue and then when they finally find her, they're like, of course we found your daughter. She's right there totally recognized her the whole time. And there's no missing persons report File why don't they just like walk her around the town square until someone sees

There is a reddit about the plot holes in this movie and I just opened it and I went no because it was very lengthy It was a very lengthy reddit That's so pathetic that people would take their time to talk about this movie to that to that extent. I mean, wow. So yeah, cord over streets like, hey, invest in my little hotel because 70% because I read on Glassdoor that 70% of blah, blah, blah, blah, and that's the done. Who cares? You can tell these writers have no idea what's actually going on in commercial I read on the fit the the thin red Yeah, the fit red I was on willow and I'm on willow So they do that thing where they're like well, we're men

So if you if we can race and you can beat me then I'll talk to you. Wink because I'm Jackwack. That Mr. Belmont could you stop winking at cord. Cord is very uncomfortable with the way you're going to take it. Cord. All right. Let's do it again. And so it begins this movie's strenuous attempt to set up chords, skiing abilities, which have no impact on the storyline and whatsoever. There's no contest. No one needs to be rescued on skis. No, no one needs to be chiseled.

We see one time. No, we do get a good scare. We get that made me laugh a lot. I actually reround it and watched it twice to laugh at it. Again, they say, you know what, we're not going to do CGI. I'm going to put Jack Wagner in front of a green screen or just the film. Let's roll the film behind him like I learned in 1987. It'll look fine. It's like, it's like the footage of like, the, the tree, the same thing. the footage of like, card, the tree, the same thing. If you pause, you could actually see the conveyor belt that Jack Wagner was on with the skis underneath.

There is actually one scene in this movie where clearly it was always snowing outside of his window. And so they have a machine that spits up the snow so then it floats down. And there is one scene where the machine, they didn't put it off camera. It was below the window, windows you saw snow like flying upwards and falling softly in another window

and I was like no one even looking at their own set. It's time for commercial. It's time for a crap and commercial. Did we skip the meatc cute of the hot chocolate? No, no, no, no, we're actually going to. Okay, we're coming. So now they, they're about 70 seconds into the movie. Yeah, they raise down the hill, they go to the hill,

and then that's where he says come, come to my hotel, we kind of skipped around. We skipped this with their back and they're in SpaceX now. Yeah, this core SpaceX. So what we do, so now they're walking through SpaceX hotel, and Beauregard is going towards a locker to hang up a stuff And I guess maybe he's a man of the people because he's putting a stuff up in a public locker I'm like, dude, you not own this hotel. What are you doing?

He's hanging up your fan. He rides this stuff like us. He's just like us. I like to be with the common people. But why is that even then the script? Do you know what I mean? Like, and then they go to the locker room. Like what? Who put that I mean? And then they go to the locker room. Like what? Who put that? Why do you need to go to the locker room? It does feel strangely intimate.

And also it's a men's locker room, but you have a woman serving hot chocolate in a hot chocolate cart. Yeah, obviously this wasn't written by a gay guy because I'm like the locker room girl who's I'm like looking around. I think it was like a hallway locker. I don't think it was like a locker room. It was like a just put your skis here, but it's always strange that Jack Wagner who runs this place

does not have his own special, you know, locker in a bottom closed door. He's big daddy. So yeah, he's like this is like SpaceX and then Jack Wagner's like, yeah, well, we try and stay ahead of the curve here. We've got these things called ice makers They make ice Remote controls we have hold on do you want some hot cocoa? Let me just fax my assistant a request

So Lady comes in Melanie Griffith comes in with a cocoa cart and Hey So, Lady comes in, Melanie Griffith comes in with a cocoa cart. And... Hey, they want to do a cocoa now? It's all the same second. So, just in different outfits in an 80s movie, would. Hey, they missed me. This is Rachel Dratch. So they give...

He's like, okay, well, guess what? I'm not going to invest in your property, even though your pitch is that people are going to learn at your shitty property and then come to my property to spend more money to ski better. So he's like, listen, have a hot cocoa on me. And in a movie like this, hot cocoa is essentially a check-offs gun, right? Like this.

It is hot cocoa. There's a cute around the corner. There will be, yeah. But the pitch was funny because he's like, okay, here's my pitch. This place is amazing. It's for rich people, but poor people like the skis are too, sir.

You don't say that to a rich person. Rich people do not want to see poor people skiing. That's true. That's very true. That's a lot of good pitch. Upward skiing mobility, if you're saying, don't worry, the poor people from, you know, the, the, the Empire of California are going to come here and they're going to learn

how to ski. And then they're going to bring their poor, their poor Cravenasses to your resort. Don't you want that? Exactly. It's like, don't you want to look out there with the upward snow flying and see poor people coming down right next to the rich people. No, sir. He's like, we can build a target here, sir. It is definitely written like a socialist slant, like telling everyone that they, like the rich, they're like these, these are just fat cats. They don't know anything. Yeah. So it's like not everyone in the world can afford class. Study shows 70% of skiers learn at small resort. What's that? Thank you. Who would study that?

We still don't know how to care like, you know, runny noses. No. I'm going to figure out four people skiing. Do you know where I, the first place I went skiing, it was a place in Vermont called Suicide Six. Now why do we call a, why are we calling a mountain that? That is just a suicide. Suicide Six. Well, we're gonna get that later. That's that later.

That's the place with Killington. That's the place with Killington. This one has a real dark side. Killington. So, he does his pitch and Jack Wagner's like, so I should invest in your launch to make sure that they have a chance to learn before they switch. You want them here? No.

Here. You want them here. Like, should we just hand out metal cans at the top of the mountains that we're going to go begging down the slopes? We can just set up trailer houses just all on the side in the mountain. Yeah, what a classic in terms. Because that's what the poor eat, right? Beans. Yeah.

Well, we're gonna have big metal trash cans with fires coming out of them as that what you're gonna tell me. Yeah, the strict no strings on pocket flower policies. We've got no harmonica and bee and belongings kept in a handkerchief tied to a stick rule here, sir. And while it's at the real writers, we're not sure these lockers can accommodate windows. So it's like, sorry, but I've got my own investors.

Thanks for the coffee, Chits. Gotta run. Oh, and pretty classy out there. Let me win. I know you did that frost tip. You made your hair look as stop. You know, the cake stop. We do jack.

Jack. I think I think I'm winking Jack. Jack. Um, um, um, actually, I think I think I'm having a stroke. Can I actually get some help over here? That was such a strange moment of characterization for the father. It was, it was like, he's the most complex character in their whole, in the whole thing. Oh, I think that, I think that's just bad, but don't get. Boergaard is just going back to his office.

He's like, I slept for poor people. I start sketching out skis on a cardboard box. Yeah. Yeah. He's like fruit loops. There's something you don't want feet. So now Lindsey, Lindsey Lohan emerges from this, because we don't know her name yet, by the way.

So she emerges from the elevator, dressed like a Poinsettia, which is a holiday. Yes, I will say, I gay gas when she came out and they did a slow walk like on selling sunset that I enjoyed. They even played the boss bitch music, but it was Christmasy. This was the most.

It's boss Christmas. It's boss Christmas. It's Christmas. I'm a boss bitch Christmas bitch Yeah, I'm a jingle jingle box. The halls deck the halls and Go into the club say you buy go win the Bentley Pulling my sleigh up to the club like I'm a boss bitch. I don't take the gym. I walk through the door. I walk through the door. I don't take the gym. On the 12th day of boss bitch, my two love day gym.

Me boss bitch. Boss bitch. I'm a potchish bear dream. I wish you were married boss bitch. I wish you were meant to put salad, not boss bitch, not. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I enjoyed it.

And if I got to play Terry, I would be able to do it as well, but whatever. I'm not going to. Oh. Not better. She's on the phone. And she is self-absorbed right now because she's rich and rich people don't pay attention to anything that happens around them Nope, so she's walking on her phone talking probably about things like having a career maybe or like ambitions or a crazy queer city life It was cracking the episode that they're acting like this is the biggest glamorous hotel. It's like

Maybe a hundred square feet. It's like there's standing in a shoe box with a marble countertop attached to a fireplace. I know how glamorous. I'm standing by Tipistries at match my jacket. You can find me darling. And there's like a wide angle lens and you can just only imagine how tiny it is inside. Yes.

It looks real tiny. So, you, uh, you have to find each other. Who's Russ? Who the fuck is my mom? I don't know, girl. I can't even walk through the lobby without pushing people and twirling around

and eventually bumping into Lindsay and spilling his coffee all over her. Oh, this is cord over street. I thought his name was Russ for a while. Oh, so she's... Russ would have worked. Russ would have been... That was that all the time, just deciding someone's name is Ty. Typing and I'm like, it doesn't matter.

I'll figure it out. And we cover the below decks. It's a new cast every season and I'm like... Claude, like I'm stuck here. We were dealing with Talia and Tasha fuck me. Oh, God. Yeah. You guys know, Zazdair. But yeah. So Russ, Jake is poor. So Jake doesn't know how to walk like Lindsey. Like Lindsey has a whole team, but Russ is poor. So he's like, oh, my god. Oh, sorry, but then he also too. He is. No, they have a holding risk. Hot continuity.

He gave him a hot cocoa with the lid on it. Now he doesn't have a little right. I noticed that he is well he probably bartered the lid. Well, he did bartered the lid out. He cut some beans in that lid. It was weird. He was holding the cup and you could tell that there was like a prop just hot chocolate that wasn't liquid at all that didn't move at all just sitting in the cup. It was like gel or something.

It was like gel or something. It was like gel or something. No, it's just has base X makes cocoa. It's just a different one. Yeah, it's like an external ice cream. It would be like when I would watch Gilmore girls and I would get so annoyed when you could tell that lower line didn't have any coffee in that cup at all. And they just walked around.

They just flailing their arms everywhere. Oh, pull it together. So basically, he's like, he's on the phone with someone. I'm assuming maybe it's Alejandra, I don't know, he's just like saying, yeah, he didn't go for it. He didn't go for my proposal or anything. And so he's walking with a cocoa, he's self-absorbed. She's self-absorbed.

And guess what happens? They run right into each other. Whoa. Go. That's all over her beautiful dress. It is cute. It's not the video, but it's not gay. No, she's like, oh my god, it's my balanjagi. It's like, the balanjagi.

I promise I love your pussy. And then they said, cut, cut. Lindsay, could you do that one more time? Tad your great no notes no No, no bigger tad bigger bigger How do you say it Alan yogi? Do you know how to do wings? Yes, yes Seven eight this local yogurt body slammed my girlfriend. Get out of my way, I am a heterosexual.

I have to do is like, are you okay and Chad goes, well I'm quite fuss, but that's okay. I was like, oh, that was an okay line. That was an okay. It was okay, it was okay. And he has like, I have to say the character of Chad grew on me. He was kind of my favorite part of the whole movie.

He was my favorite part of the movie. I love him. I actually was not mad at him. I could not stand Ted. I hated what they were doing, because I knew that I should be offended to my quarry with they were here. And I was like, I know I should be offended, but I am older.

I'm from the generation where this is how I'm used to seeing myself represent it. I'm not the straightest person. I love musicals, golden girls, and I do a bubble podcast. So I'm glad that I am being represented in a stereotypical way, because I'm a stereotypical guy. It was gay menstrualcy, but I was totally fine with it. I didn't mind.

Oh, guess who does know how to do wings? Me. I didn't mind the gay menstrualcy of it. What I just mind was just the bad comic choices he was making. I was like, Oh, yeah, so much funnier person playing. It was there wasn't a subtlety. Yeah, I have to say,

whoever came up with his, um, his press conference look like that was a true highlight of the movie. Would that was great. Added down his hair and put him in that, that like zip up thing that looked like it was. It wasn't a tie. I was like, I added down his hair and put him in that, that like zip up thing that looked like it was in a tie. I was like, this is actually an amazing moment here.

And with the look in, it looked like something from the spice world. It looked like all the sudden we're like futuristic space. Yeah. Yeah. I think we needed that, like that energy through a lot more of this movie. Can I tell you guys, I'm sorry to do this to you, but I have to tell you the least Christmasy that's a thing that's just happened right now. My beta fish, I got this little beta fish sitting on my desk. He just went up to the snail that was on this log. He was like cleaning the log and he went like this to the snail. And knocked a fucking snail down. Oh my god.

Fucking rude. And I had to get up and fix the sale. And the snail when it's on its back, you should see their little bodies coming out there. It looks like me trying, it looks like me if I was coming out of like a pot hole in the street, you know, like in a robbery in a high-stroovy and I just moved the pot hole and I'm like coming up. It's like, runny, runny. I feel like you're not being a writer die to your beta fish right now.

Okay, like you were not showing up for that beta fish. You're not showing up. You're not showing up. You chose to snail over the beta fish right now. I didn't spank it or anything. It's still in there. I just had to take my straw and move the snail. You puttab it to your...

Is the snail alive? Oh, I didn't get murdered for Christ. We don't need to be that kind of parent. I have to call the vet. Hold on. You were not that that under actually. You know, I also learn how to turn it solve over and climb back. I agree.

I learned how to ride a ride or die. I'm not a rider dog. No, I picked a pretty snail. I picked a pretty one. I picked a pretty one with like one of those long back heavy. They're always falling over. I'm like, of course, I got to. Because you're a size queen. You picked a a size queen snail I want a turquoise because my

fish is blue and yellow and I need turquoise like an awful rich person I'm gonna put an oversized snail in there and then expect your beta fish not to just try to knock it over oh my god you are You are sad. You are sad. You're like it has to be perfect. It has to be perfect. Better and snail. Friends of ever. Well, they're going to be together for the next, you know, couple of weeks before they inevitably die because I've done something wrong, you know, you got more followers on

insta so they're going to be perfect. Ronnie, do you mind if we take their relationship public? stuff so they're going to be perfect. Ronnie, do you mind if we take their relationship public? Let's take a look and I'll see. Sorry, I just had to tell you what's not on the list. I appreciate that. That was enjoyable. That had more of a character arc than Lindy Lohan. Yeah, I'm going to rock in this movie. Yeah, we're going to have a watch. It's time for commercial. It's time for a crapence commercial. So Lindsay learned one.

She sits down at this teeny tiny hotel restaurant that is designed from 1963. And in the SpaceX hotel. And so she sits down and the waiter or waitress, whoever the server, asks her if she wants any sort of bacon on her breakfast because clearly these people are not doing any research about the boss's daughter. And she's like, no, ask her if she wants any sort of bacon on her breakfast because clearly these people are not doing any research about the boss's daughter. And she's like, no, I'm not doing bacon because I am vegan only vegan for me.

As if, and by the way, a place like this would have a vegan option for bacon. I'm gonna. Yeah, they would. Yeah, they would. They would. It was a very obvious plot point. Yeah. Yeah, but that's like her only and I don't want to harp on it too much.

I mean, who's kidding? I'm going to harp on it all the time. But the fact that it's not overboard and that this is her thing, like, this is her thing, bacon. Because she has nothing else. Like, that's what makes her a bad person. She's a personality. She likes bacon.

This is what needs to change about Lindsay Lohan. She doesn't eat bacon. She doesn't eat bacon Also now like I mean, there's people like Tabitha Brett like I don't think even Even that joke that joke is a 15 year old joke No, it's this what I'm saying the script was written in the 80s. It really is a 90 year old joke Yeah, I fucking love Tabitha Brown. I fucking love Tabitha Brown. I have a candle That's what I mean. Like vegans are mainstream now. Or well liked men. Have you watched her?

She has a new. She has a new wish. Uh, HG TV show. And she's vegan. And so they haven't been able to really sell the idea of a vegan show. Obviously, because no one on food networks watching that, right? So she's like, um, they make it where it's a really difficult dinner party where you have really personality picky guests who won't eat something. And so like one guest doesn't eat gluten, another guest doesn't eat celery. And then of course she's like, and I don't eat meat. So it's naturally a vegan show without saying, anyway, it's hilarious because it's also

such a modern show. It's like, okay, I want you to make something with no gluten, no dairy, no celery, no carrots, no onions and no garlic. And they're a barb. Yeah, and they're a barb, this person as soon as a barbecue chef, that's having to do it. Wow.

It's not a great name, it's called, it's complicated. But, oh, it's the worst thing. But I enjoy the show, I enjoy the show. And everything. It's like, what are you gonna eat a paper towel? Like that's what you're gonna end. That's what they make. You know, they're like paper towels and toothpicks.

So you can begin food without advertising it as vegan. You know, because that's your business. Yeah, I'm sorry. Okay, go ahead. I'm gonna pay it in the house. Very important. No, it's fine. So basically, so Tad and Lindsay Lohan and Jack Wagner are having breakfast and

and you know the dad of the Hates Tad understandably. How's this internet business thing of yours going? It's it calls her um you call some Tad Ted and it's not a business thing. He's an influencer. Millions of people follow him. So he goes, oh, so basically you're a salesman and then that's a no-sale. Like, how dare he? Why did that make him choke? Why did that make him choke? He was a, yes.

And influencer is a salesman. I'm not saying that. Yes, but not only that, a real influencer would be so happy to be is a salesman. I'm not doing that. Yes, but not only that a Real influencer would be so happy to be called a salesman. Yeah Yeah, it's a constant like don't you realize this is a business what I do I am working just like everyone else so if someone says oh, you're basically running a business They'd be like thank you for understanding. Thank you. No, it's the person who wrote this dialogue still does not know what an influencer and Thank you. No, it's the person who wrote this dialogue still does not know what an influence is. And now it's out of strength and he's like, well, I have to tell you, sir, and the coffee

shop of life, Lindsay is a venti. I was like, she's tall. Well, I guess that would be a tall. She's not tall. The biggest size. I don't think you want to be saying that. She's not all that like the biggest size I don't think you want to be say you don't want to say ground. Hey, cuz that sounds bad. She's the most she's the most caffeinated It was very strange it was a it's a Metaphor Weird generational joke that never went anywhere

Yeah, like that sad would never say that we're used to Starbucks guys. We've all got it. And so how do we go? I mentioned Starbucks. He would actually make a reference to something like like like Intelligencia. Yeah, or Blue bottle or something. Yeah, or Blue bottle or Alfred or Joe and the juice, you know. In the Nordstrom coffee shop of life. That is the most pretend. Didn't you date a guy who worked at Nordstrom coffee shop of life. That is the most pretend. Didn't you date a guy who worked at that Nordstrom coffee shop? Yes.

Oh my God. He was so proud of serving coffee though. He took it like his religion. Oh yeah, I was a barista once and the Trump Tower actually. I was like 20 something and we don't need this. But I was and I was very proud of it. I'm like, I used to turn over my phone and be like, oh, did I turn my phone over?

Sorry, that could have spilled on you. If I didn't know how to make phone, that's all right. Well, I was actually a judge in the Southwest Regional Barista competition here in Los Angeles. And it was a very serious competition. It's very serious. They take it very seriously.

That's very serious. And they were nervous as fuck. And they'd be making these like lattes and trying to do their cappuccino art. And their hands would be shaking. And like both hands would be. So the cup would be shaking in a lot of art. And they're like, I'm so sorry, sir.

And I had never felt more powerful in that. I'm like, it's gonna be horrible if for felt more powerful. Like, you call this cap, but you know, you're fired. Get out of here. You're fucking loser. So let's go over to the North Star. Jesus will give you a free room. Yes. Yes. And the poor law. And which is actually the poor people, Russell, the poor Lodge and Which is actually I just said Russell Russell the poor people hotels really fucking nice just so we know it's the Very home art. It's very home art channel. It's not Terracotta tiles and I'm like it's fucking cold here, right?

So why would you have Terracotta tiles? Where do we look? Very wars it is very Spanish design, but I'm I'm Santa Barbara. What are you doing? This is nicer than that. This is not a club bed. No, I'm sorry. I saw the linen's, the wretched linen's

on every single bed. Oh, everything, everything's late 80s, early 90s. Yeah, they're like, why doesn't anyone come here? I'm like, well, throughout your lands and catalog and good amazing for car. You haven't up there in 25 years. I'm in Oklahoma and this looks way nicer than that. Lodge. We went to in Lakota. So I guess I'm comparing it to that. You guys should

probably stop taking an image of a bed bug off of your ads. But come here, you'll get bedbugs and freeze to death. But you're right. Business turns out at the North Star is bad. Business is not going, like you said, why would you go to a place like that nice resort when you can go to the North Star? I know. Why would you go to a place with updated amenities and hot tubs embedded into your deck when you can go to this place with terracacotta tiling and red plaid flannel shibed sheets.

Awful. Awful. Okay, but then guess what we get? Santa is finally here because we get an actual fucking hot guy. Oh my god. No one else? Wait, was this, wasn't this where he was with his friend? I wrote snowmobile and I thought.

Oh, his friend, the guy was like trying to make a snowmobile. Yes, the guy who couldn't make the snowmobile work. Yeah, I was like, who needs it? Jump on, I'll give you a ride, honey. Come on. He's one scene that guy. He did have one scene with no words. I just don't like him.

He just said, I have a lifetime of no words with me. He was working on the snow machine and just when he said, it's not working. Yeah, I'll try to get it started. I went, oh, you're broke. Someone must have died. That's what I was. And I have to say, I have to give this movie huge props because then Jake goes in and his daughter is there.

She's like, Daddy, daddy, daddy. And like you just, and she says, Dad, look, let's there and she's like daddy daddy daddy and like you just and she says dad look the Let's look there's a Christmas tree remember when mom would take us every day. Oh, yeah, dead mom But I was like, you know what? I'm proud of this movie because last year we watched that pioneer lady This movie and they were so clunky. Do you remember? The lady oh not on the door and said, oh, hi, are your parents here? Just no, they died in a car accident. And it's like the real one is trying to be funny, but it's not it's not really funny.

It's just really sloppy. Yeah, step forward in terms of subtlety. Yeah, they're really trying to get it all out. First of all, did they put springs in this girl's hair? Because she is the cutest little girl with the bounty of little hair. She literally comes up and it's like going, going, going, going. She's very, she's very curly Sue. She's, she's a little too smiley though. Normal children, maybe I'm just used to LA where kids aren't happy, but children are normally not this happy and smiley all the time. I mean, look at her grandmother,

her grandmother is literally on, I don't know what drug she's on, because the grandmother come out and hug her. She goes, oh, now it's grandma's job to do with the Christmas. Yes, every single thing. She's on like Lexa Pro pro. The long suffering of Boila.

It's just so, just seen so much. She can't really be happy. And yeah, I'm so glad that they told us it was the grandma because I never would have guessed. What the fuck in kidding? It's like the grandma used to grandma I've ever seen in my life. She has, she's wearing a shawl most of the movie that usually always have sequence. Even in the day, she has something with sequence in it.

And I went that's, that's what my Aunt Darla does. That's the grandma thing. She's got sequins, but also like, Neha, you know, like, Pairny hose. Yes. Yes. Like, Granny from the Beverly Hillbilly's, basically. Yes.

And basically, I think she was given the note that said, honey, we're going to need you to play this one note. OK. So we see you trying to bring some substance this character, we're just going gonna need you to play this one now, okay? We see you trying to bring some substance this character. We're just gonna need you to smile and be enthusiastic about everything, okay? You suffered your whole life. You're always just just somewhat nice, not really nice. Even later on in the thing when you say I'm feeling a little blue Which is something no one ever says anymore? For the last 30 years, you're still going to be nice about that. Yeah. So listen, here's, okay, here's my note for you, lady. So this, the North Star

Lodge has been in your family for three generations. A proud, amazing success story about immigrants, Latino immigrants who came to this place and created a lodge. And now for some reason a white guy runs it and it's gonna get up and ruin it. So take that pain and don't address it. Okay. You're the only person who truly understands pain. Okay.

No one else gets it. You miss your daughter every day. You've got a son-in-law named Cord. Your daughter and your family legacy is all been destroyed by this man. So be really nice to him. Because you're in financial ruin because he's made terrible choices like giving all his money away. Yeah. It's all in the white man's hands. He gives tons and tons of

charity to people like the terrible to people. He's a terrible business. Money, he's a bad businessman. We should reward that. He's literally never even heard the concept of the son of a razor. Come on. No. And he is typical idiot guy.

He's like, hey, grandma, could you put in a good word with Santa for me? I need all the help I can get. We need a miracle. You need some bug spray and some sheets that are over 300 pounds. You need a financial planner. Yes. You know, I'm a gaming stop. H shaming all a hundred billion. Hey, can you put in a word with Santa? Well, I think she is. Yeah. One of those kids that come with a drone and do like those real estate videos.

You knew Cesar. How about you? Do you have any send ever some pizzas? I am starving. Starving. It's called an area rug. Just put it right there in your lobby. Right there. Oh.

Did you, are we to the point now where he's in his office? And well, first the kids goes, bounce hair, bounce hair, a different one that she's like, haven't you heard that? Christmas is the perfect time for miracles? Oh, yeah school. We are why aren't you in school? Yeah, I get to school. I can't break it yet if we're not on break, you're not on break. It's a separate non-jude to get back to school. We know you're in public school. She's definitely in public school and And you're definitely not being homeschooled. No, no, no, no. Oh, I can't do it. You know, she had the hardest time during COVID because

fucking courting, doing anything with the homeschool. No, no, grandma, you know, she's just all practicing his scenes. Stop my, my nerves are just frayed. She's just like in the North Star lodge, we don't believe in masks. So, Jake's office. Now we're in Jake's office and he kind of sits down and we have the most awkward introduction of like a special totem that we've ever had. He opens your desk drawer where you normally keep rubber bands and your pin set. And there is this. I thought for myself as a doll. No, it's an angel tree topper. It looked like a dead pigeon. Yeah. You can't keep a tree topper in your drawers. What have you ever seen a tree topper? It's like the most squished sad abuse

three topper ever. You pack it up way, way deep in the attic. So you don't have to see it again. Yeah. For another 12 months. This is where the budget ran out. This is the last well. We're going to get a, we're going to include a storage system

in this, in this office. This is also not a real tree topper. We wouldn't very likely to discussion. No, I spent a, tree topper. We win a very lengthy discussion. No, I spit, y'all, I'm just going to say this, this is a PSK, tree toppers fucking suck now. You try to look for a tree topper for a Christmas tree and they're terrible. I wish that I could find a male angel this year. Yeah, I want a male angel.

I wanted a gay male angel. They didn't have, I think I'm going to a tree top and come to call it tree toppers from a big bottom. And then I'm just gonna set all these tree toppers. You should make like tops, like tops from the trees and just making like those, those old 70s paintings of the big muscular guys with leather and like the big old weiner line. Yeah, that's not a woman of those gay merman tree toppers. I don't like water.

So I'm from a landlock state. Anyway, I just, I just want to say this was a way or nay involved tree topper. And they all look like fucking mass produced bull shit. It took, this took me out of the movie with just non-realism. Well, I was glad not to see a real tree topper. Our tree toppers were fucking terrifying. I was-realism. Well, I was glad not to see a real tree top. Our tree toppers were fucking terrifying.

I was, I, my mom, I always take you to the New York to the New York. I looked like Gargoyles. Yeah, for the first few years, I would, when I, of my life, I would look in my prism, Christmas gifts, like open them a little and then retaped them and stuff. And then I was just terrified because I was convinced

the tree topper was, it's just like, looking at you, yeah? The angel of judgment. Yes, they just had these tariff and they looked okay from far away, but look being right down and looking up and it's just like, you're fat, you stupid fat little flock. I'm going to murder you in your sleep later. Really left out that I stopped winking. Oh, tree toppers. I'm very sad about this. Well, guess what? I've always been jealous of multiple candles candles in the window. My mother would never let me do it. She's like, I'm gonna hurt the window. Later, when you had your first

sexual experience, you still imagine that three toppers looking at you disapprovingly. Well, guess what? That's why it keeps in the desk. And then I'll say what's not your desk. I'll say what's on the desk, his proposal, which he now throws in the desk. And then I'll tell you what's not in the desk. I'll tell you what's not in the desk, his proposal, which he now throws in the trash. Well, how about this, sir? How about next time since you're so low on money, happy you don't like spend the $25 at kinkos. And so you get email.

Do you have, I mean, what is happening here? And stop giving it away to poorer people. That is against rich dad, poor dad. Yeah, but he is professional. We know because it's in a vanilla envelope. And that's a very, very professional sign. But, so I got confused in the movie because I thought, okay, so he's got a dead wife.

He's got a weird tree topper. Lindsay's life is perfect. Nothing bad must have happened to Lindsay Lohan, right? Oh, no, you're wrong. There's something that they could theoretically bond about, but they don't. This was the biggest... It's just took my breath away. This might be so great.

This took my breath away. That how this like snow globe never got... We never made this connection. Not only does this snow globe not make a connection, it also fails to jog her memory really about anything. That's a close. That's a whole point. Literally, like if you wanna talk about a McGuffin,

so this thing, so. So I had to cut it all because every time she picked it up, she was trying to put it up her nose. I was like, Lindsay, cut down the smell globe. She's trying to cut it with some razor. So at least it is with an MX. Thanks so much for listening guys. We will be back tomorrow with episode three.

Join us, won't you? Thanks for being here, love you guys. Watch what crap ends with like to think it's premium sponsors! Ain't no thing like Allison King. Ashley Suboney, she don't take no baloney! Dana C. Dana Duh! She's not just a Sheila, she's a daniella. Itch-o-s! Aaron McNickless, she don't miss no trick-o-s.

Alva Nagila Weber! Jamie, she has no less namey. Sip some scotch with Jessica Tratch. She's always supplying, it's Kelly Ryan. Kristen, the piston Anderson. You're never alone with Lacey Monteleone. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the Berg.

Sarah Greenwood, she only uses her power for good! The Bay Area Betches! Betches! And our super premium sponsors? Always the wiser, it's Allison Weisler! Somebody get us 10 C's of Betsy MD! We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva! Let's get real with Caitlin O'Neal!

Don't get salty with Christine Pepper! Better do what she says, it's Elva and Rikas. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides. Under your fasteners, it's Aaron Casner. Nobody holds a candle, it's a Jamie Kendall. She's not harsh, she's Jill Hirsch. We will, we will, Joanna Rockland, you. My favorite Murto.

Karen McMurto. We love him madly, it's Kyle Podd Chadly. Let's go on a bender with Lauren Fender. She's a good hobby, it's Lauren Hobgad. We want to hang with Liz Lang. The incredible edible Matthew sisters, Nancy Cicentacisto. Give him hell, Miss Noel. She's the Queen B, it's Sarah Lemke. Shannon, out of a cannon Anthony. Let's take off with Tamela Plane. She ain't no shrinking Violet Couture. We love you guys.

Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest and insightful take on parenting. Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brownalder, we will be your resident not-so-expert experts. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking. Oh yeah, I have absolutely been there.

We'll talk about what went right and wrong. What would we do differently? And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night, you'll feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app.

I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts, you can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app.