Watch What Crappens - OC Reunites, NYC Goes to London

Episode Date: July 12, 2012

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From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. This episode of Watch What Crappens is brought to you by Gamefly. Go to Gamefly.com forward haha for your free 15-day trial. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Countess speaking. We have arrived.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to Watch What Crappens Live. Well, it bon. Hey everybody, welcome to Watch What Crappin's Live. Well, it's not live, but it's Watch What Crappin's. I'm Ronnie Karam from tvgasm.com and I'm with Ben Mandelker from B-Side Blog. Hi. Hello Ben. And Matt Whitfield from Yahoo TV. Hello.

Hey Matt. How you doing everybody? Hey everyone. Wait, wait. Before we start anything, last week when I was starting the show, I totally forgot my mandate, which was to push our Facebook page and our Twitters at the top of the show instead of the end of the show. Oh, yeah. So if people get mad at us, they still know where to go.

Yeah. So before we even get into anything, you should like us on Facebook. It's Facebook.com slash, I don't remember if it's a forward slash or a backslash. Watch What Crappens. Our Twitter is What Crappens. And you guys should all follow our Twitter because we need more followers. And then

I'm at bsideblog. Matt, where are you from? I'm at lifeonthemlist. And you should also follow at yahoo.tv. Naturally. And at sideshownet at Yahoo TV naturally and this and at sideshow network yeah and I am at TV guys um and I just I was for

my friends forced me to get an Instagram last night but I don't even really know what it is um it's kind of like the best thing in the world it's just another way to waste your damn life away yeah oh well then I'm glad I got it look at like people like posting halfaked photos of themselves all the time. It's great.

Yeah, I started following Chris Crocker, and oh, my God, that boy is dirty. Oh, my God. That guy is so disgusting. I met him at a reality show awards party, and he was in this hot tub in a little bikini briefs looking like a girl. He's creepy. Leave Britney alone. He is creepy. Leave Britney alone. He is creepy. He is very creepy.

I was going to tell a story, but I'm not going to get into it because we're short on time today, thanks to me, because I have to be somewhere. So why don't we just jump right into all this junk? We have so much. Well, we do have a lot. So let's start with Orange County. And I posted this on Twitter a few hours ago. I don't know if either of you saw it.

I saw it. But I'm already really pissed. And I have a feeling that I'm going to fight with the two of you today. So I'm like really, really on edge. If this is about the bird, then Matt, you have to take it down because the bird cannot help itself, okay?

It has nothing to do with that tiny little innocent bird. And it has everything to do it has nothing to do with that tiny little innocent bird and it has everything to do with my hatred for heather and tammy sue aka tamra barney v listen i don't know what's wrong with heather okay and how dare you imply that you might be maligning her acting career okay how dare you we've only been 20 seconds of this podcast you're already maligning her acting career she's had a career. She has done things just like Angelina Jolie has done things. Yeah, she's been on TV and she knows Jenny McCarthy.

Yeah, she has an agent. She has an agent, all right? She is legit. We will be seeing her in commercials for things that need Housewives of Beaver faces. Listen, she got a callback for the Magic Bullet infomercial, okay? She got a callback for that, okay? Don't malign that career. That girl should ask for hamster wheels with those eyes and a little gerbil face. She really should.

She should be the new face of PetSmart. Well, she would. You know, she tries anything. Isn't that what she says? She's a trier. Isn't that her whole thing? She's a trier, but now that her last name is Dubrow, I don't know if that's going to happen. Oh, no.

I don't know if you noticed, but it's Heather Dubrow. Yeah. As in Dubrow, which rhymes with Bo, as found on a cake and can be broken off easily. Bo could never stop talking about Bo-Gate. I mean, it will forever reap its ugly head. It's kind of her signature thing now. It's like she had an acting career, but she kind of gave it up so that way she could complain about a fondant bow being broken off her cake. Well, she sure showed up to the party angry last night.

She was ready to kick some ass, and it doesn't help that she's got the Botox, like the Cruella special on the Botox. She should have her own brand of Botox called Dubrotox. I mean, there we go. Ronnie hit it out of the park right there. I mean, she walked in with a new face last night. She did. She was all puppies. So, Matt, before we even go any further, I've really been excited to talk to you guys tonight because you just seem so enraged all

day on Twitter. So I want you to start because usually we're the ones having a fit, and so I'm really excited to hear you have one. I will first of all say that I feel horrible and disgusting and everybody should tweet mean things to me for saying this, but after

last night's episode, I have found myself Team Alexis. Oh, God. That's what these shows do to you. They make you hate somebody, and then they make you love them again. I never...

I bought some jeans from Ed Hardy. I now worship Jesus, and it's becoming a serious problem because look she's a moron and i cannot stand her and this entire season she's been a complete joke but the way that gretchen and heather and tamra acted last night made me feel sick to my stomach i was so angry by the end of the episode um i was angry more because alexis has a head made of wood that does not seem capable of understanding things that's what made me angry she had one good point the entire night she had

one good point um which was that you know the person that you might be a year ago might not be the same person you are now which was like the first like mature point she's ever made well and that was and actually how she said it was hilarious because they were like well one minute you hate vicky and now you're all friends with her. And she's like, well, people change and things change. And you know what? Maybe tomorrow Vicky will wake up and she'll be a miserable witch again. I don't know.

That was amazing. And Vicky has no friends. So she just had to nod and be like, yeah, maybe I will. She's like, it is an option. I've always had that in my backyard that I might wake up and be a witch again. I keep that open. Do you guys – well, like – Matt, I know what you're saying.

I know what you're saying in that – I mean, Tamara, she always saves her special brand of cuntiness for the reunions, you know? And, you know, it came out again last night. But that being said, I think what Gretchen was trying to say – and, of course, G did not articulate herself properly, was like saying like, look, I wasn't ganging up on you. I was just trying to help you clarify. That is a lie. She was trying – back in wherever they were, Costa Rica, Guatemala, wherever they were. Mexico. Mexico.

In the deep jungles of Mexico where all the African lions were. She was – Gretchen wasn't ganging up on Alexis. She was trying to understand. This is making me angry because this is taking me back to situations that I've had with my friends before. And if I was sitting at a dinner table and everybody was being a dick to me and you two were there and I would expect you to back me up and you didn't. Yeah. I'd fucking hate you.

Well, Matt, I would back you up unless you were being a total C fucking hate you well matt i would back you up unless you were being a total c word yeah and matt now you just revealed see matt you just revealed it's part of yourself right there which is that you are now the alexis bolino of this podcast you realize that's what you just you just out of yourself here's the difference i would never be mean to the crew oh uh yeah but i could see you throwing a nasty fit at nordstrom's i would throw a blackberry at your head.

What, if I was a Nordstrom worker especially, I'm sure. I'm banned from the one at the Grove, trust. I can only go to Nordstrom's rack at the Beverly's Connection. Why, is that because you went running through the flag that said, praise Alexis Bellino? That's very possible. Leave Alexis alone. Before we get into the dirt, I need to talk about their looks. So yes, we just mentioned that Heather had a new gerbil face. Can we talk about

Tamara looking like an old lady with like Dallas hair from 1980s? I agree. I totally thought Dallas hair. They're spoofing themselves at this point with their shiny ass dresses, their boobs up to their chin, and that hair. What do they do?

Why? I mean, why is Eddie screwing Tamara? Clearly he wants to be on TV, but, like, she is not pretty. I have a feeling that that girl is loose in the caboose. Because I can't imagine that there's a lot of looking into those eyes during sex. I mean, those are some hateful eyes. Every time I pressed pause last night, her eyes were in a satanic, like a satanic freeze. There's not one night.

I'm sure he just turns her around, calls her Pedro, and just does his business. Yeah, let's not forget that they had sex for four hours once. Listen to Lady Gaga, okay? Let's not forget that detail. It took him four hours to come, that poor guy. Probably just like thinking of baseball showers. This is probably the most expensive beard in the history of mankind. He had to fly her to Polynesia and give her a ring and a shell in order to convince people that they were in love.

Okay. No, that's the thing. You don't have to spend money when you're in love on a Bravo show. Right. They pay for it. Exactly. That trip was paid for. Half that ring was paid for. Like, does that even have a thing. You don't have to spend money when you're in love on a Bravo show. Right. They pay for it. Exactly. That trip was paid for. Half that ring was paid for.

Like, does that even have a job? I don't really know. No. Probably not. Okay. He does something that nobody can really explain. Like most of the men on these shows. That is very, very true.

Yeah. He works at a Mercedes dealership. He's marketing socks for hamsters. Okay. Okay. Speaking of hamsters, Heather came out guns blazing last night. She was going for the jugular on Alexis. And I understand that, you know, she was a little peeved at the beginning of the season.

Obviously, watching back, Alexis did kind of make fun of the fact that, you know, she had never heard of Heather and her career and stuff like that. kind of make fun of the fact that, you know, she had never heard of Heather and her career and stuff like that. But in my opinion, Heather came across as a psychotic bitch last night, and she totally was acting like a bully, and she's somebody who says things like, bullying is terrible, and then

she was a bully, and I think she embarrassed herself last night. She acted like a total bitch. Well, I think she finally realized that if she's going to keep her job, she's got to actually be a housewife. I mean, she looked like a total bitch. Well, I think she finally realized that if she's going to keep her job, she's got to actually be a housewife. I mean, she looked like a total idiot. She probably felt like a total idiot when she saw herself on screen, kind of not

understanding how the game was played the whole season, and then getting ragged on by some bimbo who can't pronounce words. I'm sure she was furious by the time she showed up. And that's what I love, because the first season, they never get it. They have so much fun. They're so nice.

And then they start watching this shit on TV and they find out what people are saying. And then they become evil. And it's a beautiful evolution of a housewife. I'm really glad. I think she was just vying to get a second season. And she looked like she was ready to get some, you know, be feisty. And I, quite frankly, I think she did a great job in terms of like. Ben, stop liking her. She's mean and evil. Stop liking Alexis. She's dumb and evil. I don't like

Alexis. I feel bad for Alexis. No, no, no. You said you're on team Alexis. You said you're on team Alexis. Because she has no allies. That's the only reason why. Matt, are we going to have to like talk you down in a cabana in Costa Rica right now with a plate of lobster? No kidding. in a cabana in Costa Rica right now with a plate of lobster. No kidding. And guess who? There's no stronger ally than Jesus. Why don't you and Jesus get in my private jet,

we'll go to Jim's birthday, and then we'll drive back in the Phantom slash Bentley. Well, I think that was the birthday where Alexis got stitches because she sat on a wine glass. So, you know, Team Alexis. Okay, look, so here's my problem. Team Sutures.

Here's my problem with Heatherather okay her husband terry called alexis phony with they really did not know her at that point unless they'd been watching the show which at that point they could have called her a fucking moron and i would have been fine with that but again i don't like that terry got in the mix there and then it kind of spiraled out of control and you know i just think that i think that just think that Heather and Terry don't – they can't claim to not have any blood on their hands. I will say that Ronnie's last point does make me happy because I do think that she did get herself another season. This is Heather. But if I'm going to like her, she's going to need to just become a complete raging monster, Tamara Part 2, because then that will – at least that will make for good TV.

Listen, I think Heather has proven that she's best when she is furiously mad and talking down to people and she is great when she's like that. She eviscerates people and I want to see just nothing but that all next season. But she doesn't fit in because she is so much smarter than these other dumb morons.

We need someone like that. We need someone who has like a modicum of intelligence. No, but she needs a true sparring partner that can go toe-to-toe with her because that will make for fucking good TV. They need to get an actual actress who's working. I kind of like how she steamrolls over people like Alexis. And Alexis just has that look on her face. She's sort of like a deer that's been caught noshing on a flower. Like, what?

Me? Huh? Not a deer in a headlight. It's just a like a deer that's been caught noshing on a flower. Like, what? Huh? Me? Huh? Not a deer in a headlight. It's just a deer caught eating flour. I hope that they find a really rich community theater actress to be on the show because she'll at least be working. Actually, they should hire Jenny McCarthy, her former co-star.

Well, she's working at the moment. That show is getting canceled. It is? Yes. Which show is getting canceled. It is? Yes. Which show is she on again? She's hosting some dating reality show on NBC this summer. I thought it was something. Love in the wild, you guys.

Have some respect. I thought it was some sitcom about how vaccines are the worst things in the world ever. Oh, my God. What a fucking moron. And yet, look what she puts in her face. Have you seen her face lately? No. Hey, she was just on the cover of light boy for the 14th time or something well the guys need to really up their limit i mean up their taste level for masturbation i mean that's that's horrible

that's a horrible thing to look at while you masturbate yeah it's like she got attacked by dr freeze okay here's one of the other big things from the the reunion obviously all eyes were on the relationship between vicky and tamra which is clearly disintegrating because uh tamra's new bestie is gretchen do you guys think that the relationship between tamra and gretchen is as fake as vicky believes it to be or what do you think happened or do you really blame brooks for the the meltdown between tam Tamara and Vicky this season? I think, believe it or not, I know you're going to hate to hear this, Matt. I think that Vicky is actually to blame.

Because, in this case, I think Tamara became friends with Gretchen, and that was fine. I mean, I don't know how real it is, but it seems like it's actually, like, legit. And, honestly, Vicky cannot deal with shit like that she really can't as awful as tamra is and i'm not saying she's not awful she is i mean tamra is an awful awful person but vicky for as awful as tamra is vicky is right up there with her and vicky does not handle these things vicky is the type that would become friends with alexis to spite tamra you know well how she was talking last night about the reason that she's so upset is because her and Tamara used to be evil together, which is basically what she said.

Yeah. And, you know, I think that there was so much truth in that, and she doesn't even understand what a C-word she sounds like when she says that, because she's absolutely right, you know? She's got a partner in crime with Tamara, and now that she doesn't have her, she's just a C- word on her own little island.

And there's no one to stand up for her when she's dating some guy who refuses to support his children. Oh, and then did you hear last night? Oh, well, I've known Brooks five years. And really, why don't you dig that hole a little deeper while you're still going to court with your husband? You fucking idiot. Yeah, no, I. What a stupid are these women. I completely agree with you.

I mean, Vicky cannot handle any of these terrible situations but she did she did cop to a lot of the bullshit last night and you know she did admit that she is a hypocrite finally she didn't really admit that she's here yeah no she she did it no no she was like she's like if you want to call me hypocrite fine then i'm a hypocrite that's not really yeah that's not she didn't truly understand oh you want you want me to say i'm a hypocrite i'm a hypocrite you want me to say i'm a fairy understand. Oh, you want me to say I'm a hypocrite? I'm a hypocrite. You want me to say I'm a fairy?

I'm a fairy. You want me to say I'm Obama? I'm Obama. Okay? Are you happy? Why'd you give her Jill's Aaron voice? In addition to doing that, she also did admit that she was a mean girl with Tamara. I mean a lot of shit did come out.

In that process, yes, it's kind of like a cleansing of the soul, if you will. But at the same time, like Ronnie just said, it really just makes her, it just proves that she is a horrible bitch. She is, she is. I thought she did cop to a lot of things, but I found it crazy that she still could not cop to, truly cop to the idea that she's a hypocrite. She was begrudgingly, begrudgingly.

If she didn't have Brooks in her life and everybody, including her daughter, fans of the show and her castmates didn't think that he is the crook that he really is, if she were admitting all of these things and semi-apologizing for them and Brooks were not in the picture, I think people would have sympathy for her and be back on her team. But Brooks is bringing her down completely. Well, Brooks is bringing her down, but she's still – honestly, there were things that were very hypocritical. She was OK. She did well when they said like how is it in the past you were always like girls only girls only and now you're like bringing brooks around and she's like look to be honest i was in a bad place like that was an honest moment but then when

they were saying so you can see why we thought you were being hypocritical she was like no i don't see that you know well you know what makes me crazy in the whole hypocritical argument is Gretchen saying, oh, you're a hypocrite because I'm dating a deadbeat dad and now you are too, but it's okay for you and it's not okay for me. You know what, bitches? It's not okay for either one of you. Yeah. Thank you. You're both dating pieces of trash and her dating

a piece of trash doesn't make Slade any less of a piece of trash. And thank you. He's still a wonky-eyed asshole with no job who won't pay his child support. And a little asterisk attached there, but Slade's child has brain cancer. Well, he probably just

figures, why pay for it? It's like it's a rotten piece of fruit. Why put it in the refrigerator? That is what he's thinking. That's a sick thing to say, but you know that that's what's going through his mind. Also, the other thing about Slade is that he's a piece of shit he's a huge piece of shit and I'm a piece of shit for just saying that

so I'm sorry but sometimes I don't think well I actually never think but hey did you guys watch that 2020 episode about Brooks did we ever talk about that we didn't talk about it but he was part of a special I want to say it was like two weeks ago what well you know our friend stupid Housewives,

Mrs. Stupid Housewife, she's been getting all this correspondence from one of Brooks' ex-wives or ex-girlfriends or something. And so this has been going on for weeks. So 2020 contacted her and asked if they could use all her dirt. And they put together this big expose on Brooks, and it was awesome. Do you remember when 2020 was like a

classy emmy winning show those days are long gone those days are long gone because you know what actually they recently i think put a video of me on an airplane on the on 2020 when you know what the video of me crying with the baby crying whatever so this is how far it's come that they're having exposés on brooks and they have my stupid YouTube video as content on their show. Yeah, it was pretty sad. But what did they say? It was really good. And the woman that, I wouldn't be surprised if Andy went and got this woman

and put her on the show because she does have that scrunched up plastic, really ghetto-ass, bargain bin, plastic surgery face. Yeah, but is she from the Bayou? Or can she relocate to OC? I think she's in Phoenix. Oh, even better.

Phoenix is OC, same thing. What was some of the dirt that came out? The basic dirt was that they showed clips of an online interview that Brooks did. It was some blog or whatever. And they were asking him hard-hitting questions about his, you know, you never see your kids, you don't pay your child support. And he's saying, oh, I talk to my kids every day. We are so close

and blah, blah, blah. And she's like, he hasn't spoken to this kid ever. Like, he's never spoken. He's never sent any money. I mean, it was just basically calling him a deadbeat dad. But they just broke it down in his interview. They broke down his interview line by line, and was just basically calling him a deadbeat dad. But they just broke it down in his interview. They broke down his interview line by line.

And she just talked about what a liar he is and how he used to speak to her in the language of greeting cards, too. And, you know, he would be like, there ain't no, you know, love. You can't spell love without ove, you know, or whatever. I guarantee you that Bravo Andy has her on speed dial. You are so right. She is in line for casting. Look, we saw how great this gets when you bring in the family situation on Jersey. It just makes it even juicier.

Oh, that sounds like a great idea. I would love that. Okay, well, we need to move on. And then she and Heather can be friends. Well, I don't know about that, but we need to move on for a second. But before we wrap up Orange County, I do want to ask want to ask you guys like look we do still have part two which is going to be even better because brooks is going to have to come out and face tamra's evil eye um brianna's going to come out and fight with her mom vicky but after episode one after last night's hour where do you stand on each of the

women do you think that they're all still going to come back for the next season do you think alexis is on the outs like give me? Give me your thoughts on every one of the women that's still on the cast right now. I think it depends on how much Andy shops at Nordstrom's because depending on that, that will dictate whether or not Alexis has a future job because apparently she is a terror at Nordstrom's. But aside from that, I think they're all coming back.

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But honestly, you know, as much fun as we have dissing this show, we can really get into it. It's not very good. I don't think this one's very good. Oh, my God. What are you talking about? I loved OC this season and the reunions, though. Nobody is nastier than them. Well, New York was the nastiest last season. this season and the reunions though nobody is nastier than them that's well new york new york was the nastiest last season well i think uh oc i thought this season was better than last

but um it still has a ways to go from its glory days okay well let me ask you this right the last question on oc before we move to new york i brought this up a few weeks ago is there any chance in hell gina or brianna are gonna make it onto full-time cast member status i don't think so i think i think there's a shot that uh that brooks's uh wife will uh or ex-wife would i do too for sure that's gonna be my guess is that they move this bitch from phoenix yeah they need it they definitely need a sixth cast member the five is just not working i need one more bit bit of – I need another fighter in there. I think Heather really doesn't fit in.

So I don't want to see her come back, but I think she will. I mean she doesn't really do anything. She's too smart for anybody. None of them do anything. None of them do anything. Not a single thing. She would pay Bravo $10 million to keep her on next season. I guarantee you of that.

She would work for free. I think she's only worth $2 million. That her on next season. I guarantee you of that. She would work for free. I think she's only worth $2 million. That's what I read. I think just like every week, a pastry should come to her house and then it should get destroyed in some very minute way. She should flip out. We can have the travel croissant drama. Yeah, an eclair

issue. Someone squeeze the filling out of my eclair. I think Sarah should get plastic surgery from Terry's arch nemesis in the plastic surgery world so that she's disguised and then she should apply to become their nanny

and play Hand That Rocks the Cradle with Heather's children. Oh my god, she should totally get Heather's face. It'd be like face-off. Could you imagine face-off with these women? That'd be great. Okay, well let's talk about Lamo, New York because because this week sucked, and frankly, the whole season has sucked. It did?

Yeah, this week's episode was not – it was very average. There was literally not much happened, although I did take a – I did have some joy watching Luann try to posture with Carol. I don't know if you noticed. I mean, they highlighted it a little bit. The way she kept on trying to either one-up or act like she was in the know. And every time she sort of bragged about something, she sort of was like, huh, huh? She literally said, huh. I rewound and watched it.

She was like, oh, that's funny. We travel in the same circle, don't we? Huh, huh? Yeah, the highlight of the episode was Carol's confessionals where she really just talked shit on Luann. Yeah. But do we really feel like this is a rivalry that's going to bubble over or are they just sort of trying to generate some sort of tension because there's nothing going on? No. Luann is just so pathetic at this point. They're measuring her baby zones.

She's getting acupuncture. She has nothing going on. Listen, Luann – luann doesn't have like you know they're they're she can't put the countess against the princess like she she knows that's a losing battle luann is so eager to win over these new girls that she's willing to be called pumpkin head and laugh about it okay that is that is that is no that will never happen in the history of mankind ever again if anyone would have called her any sort of gourd refer to her head like squash head, pumpkin head,

I don't know, rutabaga head, it's not even a gourd, but either way, she would flip out and in her interviews, she would be aghast and say, would you believe that? Would you believe that she referred to my head as a pumpkin? I think it's quite nice, actually. But here, she's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's an Algonquin pumpkin.

She'd be like, can we go to lunch? I'm going to need you to come to the Hamptons. I hope you don't mind. Take a bus out to the Hamptons and we'll go to lunch and then we'll talk for five hours about how you called me a pumpkin head. And then I'll make you pay for lunch. Yeah. Cheap bitch. It's true.

It's true. Yeah, you know she's never going to go through with this artificial insemination because she's too cheap to pay for it. She won't even pay for lunch. She won't pay for anything she does. What, are they going to donate a baby to stick inside of her? No. I think she's going to use Victoria's eggs. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Would you? They're going to come out high, bloodshot eyes, about in the N-word. And racist. Don't forget her racist daughter. Oh, yeah. Baby's going to call the doctor the N-word. It's. Don't forget her racist daughter. Oh, yeah. Baby's going to call the doctor the N-word. It's going to be his first word as it comes out of the womb.

This is an interesting theoretical situation. I'm enjoying it quite a bit. I was thinking more like the baby would come out being pretentious and speaking French. But you guys are like, no, it'll come out saying the N-word. No way. You think that Luann was born with a silver spoon in her mouth No that bitch clawed her way to the middle But the egg will be impregnated by Jacques

And they will have together a baby They're going to be like We got to cut your vagina open a little more Because the hook nose is hooked to your upper Vaginal wall I don't even know I don't know the parts of the vagina Forgive me

He looks like a toucan We can't deny that He's definitely a toucan. We can't deny that. We can't deny that. He is definitely a toucan. He's like, if Ross, you know, bred with a toucan, it would be Jacques. Ross from Friends. David Schwimmer. We got it.

I just want to be clear. You know, Toucan the bird. You know, Toucan Sam from the Fruit Loops. So if he had sex with Ross, David Schwimmer, they would look like Jacques. Yeah, I guess he, have you said that David Schwimmer thing before? Because

I think he's like maybe David Schwimmer having sex with Balky. He's got a little Balky going on. Well, there's also some Adrian Brody up in there. Oh my god, I'm getting a boner. Alright, let's move on Adrian Brody up in there. Oh, my God. I'm getting a boner. Ugh. All right.

Let's move on. What else happened on that? Okay. So this episode was really about the ladies going to London for Heather's business conference. And the ladies that were invited were Sonia and Carol and Countess Luanne, while Aviva, who's afraid to fly, stayed in New York along with Ramona, who was not invited. And there was just like a back and forth, you know, bits and pair, or bits in London and then bits in New York along with Ramona who was not invited and there was just like a back and forth you know bits and pair or bits in London and then bits in New York and the funny thing to me was Ramona is sitting there at the

table with Aviva and they're having dinner with their husbands and Ramona's like I bet those girls are not having fun because Heather can't shut the fuck up cut to London they're having the grandest time ever I know but I also love how Aviva like the miss little ass kiss or what as soon as Ramona said that Aviva just goes I know it's like you're such a fake bitch Aviva okay do you guys how Aviva, like the Miss Little Ass Kiss, as soon as Ramona said that, Aviva just goes, I know.

It's like, you're such a fake bitch, Aviva. Okay, you guys hate Aviva. I hate her. Yeah, I don't like her. But you know what, though? She's going to fall over next week, which will be kind of funny. That's awesome. That's true.

She did that every week. She'd be my favorite. She crazy falls over, too. It's not like she just like. It's not like she knows how to do it like Jim Carrey. She just falls. She falls all the way down the staircase. She's like grasping for things.

She's going down. Like it's going to be a great moment. I think the last time someone fell down – Oh, it was Vicky I think. Vicky Gumbelson's last like wonderful fall on the Housewives. She did. Vicky knows how to take a dump. She wiped out while she was being celebrated at some sort of thing in her backyard.

So in New Yorkork ramona and aviva went shoe shopping and it was kind of hilarious because ramona had never seen aviva's fake leg before but only as ramona could you know her way of complimenting aviva is saying you know something to the effect of oh well your fake legs look so much better than your nasty real normal veiny look. I mean, it was so rude and disgusting the way she acted, but it was so Ramona, so I guess that wasn't that shocking to me.

That's so Ramona. And you know what's so funny about Ramona? Doesn't she have a glass eye? What is she so disgusted about? She doesn't have a glass eye. She just doesn't have eyes. She doesn't have great vision. I think she's like a closet Sandy Duncan. She's like a closet Sandy Duncan with a double glass eye.

Yeah, when she gets worried that she's going to get fired, she's going to whip out the, well, I have a glass eye. You know what? I have a glass eye. You know what's hard for me to do? See out of both eyes because I don't have both eyes. I have one. I have one eye that's made out of glass and one real eye. Maybe that's why she was so concerned about that table.

eye that's made out of glass and one real eye. Maybe that's why she was so concerned about that table. When Emily came out with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck when she was, you know, born stillborn, one of her eyes popped out. Yeah, in shock. She couldn't even believe it. Well, that's why. Thank God she has two.

And you know why she has two? Because her mother always said you always have to have two eyeballs because you never want to rely on a man for your second eyeball. Oh, you know what, you guys? You know what we have to do? I'm so sorry because I know that we're not in the planning stages. But I actually watched four hours of Million Dollar Listing. So let's hurry up with these housewives.

Let's just talk about NBA. Can we talk about Sonia's hat at high tea she wore? This poor woman, it's like another display of her poverty. And like, you know, she's very up front. Her Haversham-ish. Mrs. Ha very up front. Her Haversham-ish. Mrs. Havershamerness. Her Havershamerness. Yes.

She had like a giant hole in her like 23-year-old cap that she dusted out that she found probably under a pillow that Millsaps probably sleeps on. Oh, no. Millsaps sleeps on the pillow and rats had eaten the veil. And she was wearing it and then she was like, oh, look, my beak sticks out of it. It was called,

guess what? You're too poor to buy another hat. Yeah. Like, literally, you know that she was using that hat to bail out water from quote-unquote

Hurricane Irene. Here's the thing. Oh, Hurricane Irene. And on top of that, she's wearing this ridiculous hat and if you looked at anyone else in that restaurant, everyone was just like

in t-shirt and shorts. She could not have looked more ridiculous if she had tried. Carol might have been in a T-shirt and jeans, but she was also wearing her half-Z biker gloves because she's so hip at 59. Oh, yeah. She's like, ah, look at my style. I learned about this at ABC News. Look at my purse can turn into an umbrella because it rains in London. Being a widow is like being the new virgin.

Have I mentioned that before? Hello, Dolly. Well, hello, Dolly. If her face looks like that, when she takes off her pants, what do you think it looks like? It probably looks like the Holland Tunnel with, like, construction tarp over it. It probably looks like the Holland Tunnel with construction tarp over it. I think it looks like a cheese board that's been sitting out with a variety and including an apricot chutney for ten years. I think it looks like an airplane turbine gearing up to take flight.

I think it looks like Alex McCord's backyard in Brooklyn. I think it looks like a pothole that a turtle fell in and got run over in. I think it looks like that portal that happens in The Avengers where all the aliens come out of. I think it looks like the wardrobe

that leads to Narnia. I think it looks like the wardrobe that leads to Narnia. I think it looks like Steven Tyler's vagina. I think it looks like if you're at a gas station and there's like an oil slick and you're like, oh, look, there's sort of like rainbows in that, but it's oil. Okay. I'm not even going to try to. Oh, shit. Okay. I'm not even going to try to drop that. Oh, shit. Okay, two lessons. I like Carol. I don't know why we just railed on her vagina for so long. Because we rail on something every week with fun comparisons, and we like people to tweet in what they think Carol's vagina will look like.

I would like to hear what everyone thinks, but the truth is I don't think her vagina looks anything like that. I think it looks like a snow cone. Anyway, two last things. What did we think of Ramona's Learning Annex? Because I thought it was the most tragic thing ever. Well, since when is the Learning Annex not tragic? I didn't watch it, so I need impressions. There was about 17 people there who were all yawning.

And if you remember about three seasons ago bethany had one and it was a packed house and it was madness okay so here's here's the thing with ramona she says the same thing at every single talking gig that she does and we see it like every week she's like i had to do everything by myself i didn't have any connections i didn't know anyone i had to do it by myself and it's like the same thing so it was it was like nothing the only thing that was intriguing about this one was what the what table they were going to find for her and i found myself oddly um in suspense about that you know it was it was a good moment i mean the table was not to her liking so she actually snapped at one of the event organizers and said well i would have bought

you a table at pier one on my way over oh Okay, well, did they actually explain what Ramona does? No. She does it all. I don't think that Bravo, I mean, I'm sure she talks about it, but I think Bravo leaves it on the cutting room floor. They don't want to hear anymore about true renewal skincare or true faith Jesus charms

or any of that shit. I think they're done. Oh, I'm renewal. I'm renewal. I'm renewed. It's like a fountain of youth. I've been renewed. Hey, how's that sitcom? Was it renewed? Because I'm renewed. Renewal! Okay, by the way, I just want to mention real quickly, Heather, this episode, overall, I enjoyed her, but

when she dropped, when she bragged at her friend, Owen Polaroid, I was... I just wanted to smack her. Okay, you know, she's obnoxious. Go ahead. No, no, I was just going to say her. Okay. You know, she's obnoxious. Go ahead. No, no. I was just going to say, does your friend call you crying and depressed because Polaroid is going down the fucking sinkhole? Well, no.

That's why she was – because she and Luanne were one-upping each other. And then, you know, she was talking about – Heather was saying how she uses the Polaroid for work. And Luanne's like, well, Luanne, of course, makes a dig and then covers it up by laughing. She's like, well, stop talking about work. That is so her haughty laugh. And then Heather just is like, well, it's funny because my friend owns Polaroids. I'll be very happy that you're using his cameras. This is coming from the guy who just mentioned that he was on 2020.

You know, as I mentioned, as I was saying it, I was like, how do I back out of – I just started saying this. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. I was like – well, I wasn't on 2020, just that my stupid video was. But as soon as I started saying it, I was like, oh, I am being a combination of Heather and Luanne at this moment. Well, here's the thing. Like, Heather is completely obnoxious. But I will say this. Like, she actually – you know, she does have a real business.

None of these other people really work, and I do think that she is kind of the most legit of all of them, even though that's not saying that much, but if you were at that dinner party that she was throwing, what would you, Ben, because you watched the episode, and Ronnie, feel free to chime in here, too, but everybody had to go around the table that worked for Heather and stand

up in front of everybody, say who they are and why they liked Yummy Tummy so much. Ben, what would you have said when it was your turn at the table? I would have said, I like Yummy Tummy because it makes fat girls look less fat, and I hate fat girls. And then everyone would have been mad, and when everyone was mad, I would have

sat down and eaten. I would have said, I like Yummy Tummy because I have a fear of success and if I was a part of Spanx I would be embarrassed that everyone was always congratulating me on what a great company I own so I love working for a second rate

company where no one knows who I am thank you thanks for paying for this dinner I would have stood up and I would have said please send at least 40 of them to Lauren Manzo for her fat ass and her fat mouth. I don't want to hear her fucking talk anymore. Segway.

Okay. Perfect Segway. We have a yummy face brand for Lauren Manzo's giant face. Thanks. Okay. I have to get right into this right away. On a scale of names, we're going from She Buy Sheree in one corner and Gretchen Christine Butte in another. Where does Caféé fit on this?

First of all, what the hell is Caroline doing insisting on her daughter owning a food-themed makeup store and calling her fat the whole time? Chubba Wubba International. Totally. So wait, on a scale of names, where does it fit?

How bad is Café? I'm going to say this. I think it's even below Ed and Lisa Wu Hartwell's t-shirt line. names where is it how bad is i think it's i think i'm gonna say this i think it's even below below um ed and lisa woo hartwell's t-shirt line oh closet freak closet freak it's it's it ranks below that i think it is i think it's actually the worst the worst one we've ever seen like i actually think closet freak is okay but i think this is worse than she by charrette this is worse than gretchen christine beauté thises, which is like a horrific pun. It's just all it's going to be is Lauren Manzo sitting in the break room eating like 600-calorie scones and yelling at some little intern to restock the tacky-ass shoes that they're selling for $400 that cost $9.99 in Koreatown.

I can already see the Tabitha takes over crossover because – Oh, amazing. Because this is the exact sort of business where Tabitha walks in and is like, well, all your makeup? Well, all your cafe? Did you just call her mommy? Did you call her mommy? She's not your mommy. She's your business partner.

I mean what is she doing walking around calling her mommy? Mommy won't let me do it how I want to do it. No, no your mommy. She's your business partner. I mean, what is she doing walking around calling her mommy? Mommy won't let me do it how I want to do it. How about this? Here's my theory. Or here's my suggestion for Lauren. How about you move out of your mom's home? Maybe you go to New York City. You work on some TV production sets or whatever. You do

some makeup. You work in some salons. And then you find someone through your networking to partner up with. Don't partner up with your mom, okay? Yeah, how about you take all your feelings, buy a loaf of white bread, put your feelings in between the two pieces of white bread, and eat them. Eat those feelings and stop making me listen to them. And then sell those feelings at cafes. After you have hate-fucked Vito while rolling in a bed full of sausages. Well, you know, so here's the thing.

I like that image. Here's the thing. Cafes is spelled C-A-F-F-A-C-E. So anyone driving by is going to think, first of all, in New Jersey, they're going to be like, oh, cafache. That's exactly how I was just about to pronounce it, and I thought you were going to laugh at me, but that's totally how I was saying it. Because it looks like, oh, is that a pizzeria?

Let's go to cafache., but that's totally how I would say it. Yeah, because it looks like, oh, is that a pizzeria? Let's go to Cafface. Oh, it's makeup and sandwiches. This is exactly not what I'm looking for. I honestly did not realize that it was called Caface. I thought it was Cafe Face, which is pretty bad. No, it's called Caface.

It's a very literal thing. It's like, oh, it's a cafe and it's a face. I'm so on the website right now. Yeah, the website has like imagery. It's like 1987 imagery. And it looks like it's called Cat Face on the – That would be an improvement. I would go to someplace called Cat Face. But I would not go to someplace called Cat Face.

I would go – I'm like, Cat Face? What's in there? Are there cats? Well, why is it Cat Face Beauty Bar coming soon? And they're using the rent font. And why is bar coming soon and if they're using the rent font and why is it coming soon how long have they how long does it take to order some fucking makeup you lazy ass well clearly posh is putting the kibosh on this you know clearly kim d has like gone to like the the town hall and is trying to stop i will say it would be interesting if they were able to lure um ashley jacqueline's

daughter back to be the store manager. That would make for really good scenes. Oh, and then have Tabitha come and yell at her. Yes, and make her cry and want to cut her inner thigh. Well, it looks like Ashley did the artwork on the website. Yeah, I think she did. It looks like that artwork. Yeah.

I'm looking at their Facebook page right now, and there's some homely-ass motherfuckers on this page. We have seven minutes left. We have seven minutes left, so can we talk about Albie's girlfriend? Seven minutes in heaven. But this is super important. Readers, if you're hearing this and anybody knows the Facebook page of all the Nordstrom

employees complaining about Alexis, please tweet it at us. I'm trying to find it. Move on. Sorry. Albie has a new girlfriend. She's a cheerleader with the Jets. She's way too hot for him. I'm not sure she knows how to speak.

She seems very quiet. Lauren wanted to bite her face off without taking bath salts. Lauren wanted to take her and put her in a sandwich that she'd sell at cafes. Yeah, totally. With some extra spicy mayo because you know she likes a spicy mayo. Well, you know what?

I do too. So God bless her if that's true. But let me tell you something. Lauren, the way she's so backhanded when she turns to her and she's like, you know, I never would have thought someone like you would have been coordinated. I mean, like, don't take that personally. I just never thought. And the girl's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

That poor girl is a goner. She's not going to be able to last. Let's just get that straight. It seems like it's pretty typical. It's like some dumb, good-looking bimbo marrying a fairly schlubby, non-talented, poor guy who pretends to be rich. But, you know, Caroline— Isn't that what they all do in that town? It's true Hoboken style.

Caroline will not stand for another woman being the most important woman in Albie's life. Do you see? She's already trying to cockblock. No, they're already—they're an incestuous, fucked-up, needy, greedy, whiny-ass family. And it makes me like the Judices more, which makes me feel sick. It doesn't make me like the Judices more, but it did repulse me a little bit. First of all, apparently you have to be the spawn of Billy Joel to get Caroline's approval, okay? It's true. Second of all, she's like, well, Albie needs to be focusing on work, not romance.

Why can't he have a relationship while he's wasting time with this stupid Blackwater thing? That's never going to get off the ground. Here's the real question. Selling toilet water isn't a real job, okay? Yeah. Why are we even talking about these people when they're not even the fucking housewives? They're the children of a boring-ass, old, mean, red-headed ox. That's the word.

Yeah, I was trying to, like, reel it in. I was happy. No, I'm happy. I like that. All that Melissa Gorga does is act really fake and try and sell her terrible music. I have no interest in that fake-tittied bimbo bitch. Teresa has nothing to do except wither away into the tree bark that she's turning into. Can we talk about her daughter for a second?

Her daughter was a stripper in training. Was it when nasty, evil Melania called out her dad? Was it when nasty, evil Melania called out her dad? I mean, Melania, who is like four, when she was calling her dad like a piece of shit and saying that he doesn't want to spend time with his children, I was like, oh, fuck, she's only four. Watch the fuck out. She's a disaster. She's a disaster. She's too smart and too evil for her own good.

Yeah, she's pretty awesome by the way speaking of those kids uh this might sound woefully inappropriate but at that birthday party they had this giant inflatable caterpillar that they're all hiding in and like the kids kept like popping their head out of like these creases and i don't know if it was just me but to me it looked crazy like a vagina it totally did it was so disturbing and they would go how do you guys know so much about vaginas i have no fucking clue listen it's like when you see know so much about vaginas? I have no fucking clue. Listen. It's like when you see your first horror movie and you can never forget it. Yeah.

Yeah. There's some things you just can't unsee. Okay. The other mini storyline was we got to meet Rosie's new lesbian lady that she met at the cubbyhole bar. And I was bored. Yeah. I mean, that's pretty intense

to bring your girl over a first date. Meet the entire family, including my mother and my sister and my sister's family. Here's my problem. Rich has bigger breasts than Rosie's girlfriend. They're lesbians. It's okay. This is Harry, though.

I like how no one can remember her name. It's like Anne Veal from Arrested Development. Her? Is she funny or something? She's Brianne Veal. What about little tiny midget Joe taking off his shirt for big gay Greg's birthday party and having him do shots? I think that he secretly wants to do Greg. Do you know?

He does. wants to do Greg. Do you know? He does. It would be like a chihuahua doing a St. Bernard, but I would still think that Greg would allow it to happen. Well, my dog is a chihuahua pit bull mix and he's really cute.

I think it would make for an interesting sociological experiment to have those two get together. Yeah. Okay, that got really weird. We're getting quiet. We're like, okay, then let's stuff him into the caterpillar vagina.

Okay? Which looks not unlike Carol's. Jersey bored the shit out of me this week, but I have high hopes for it to still pick up steam. New York has officially put me to sleep, and all I can wait for is oc reunion part two because i cannot wait for brooks to be eviscerated yeah i cannot wait i can also we're we're ending now but uh everybody watch million dollar listing because hopefully we'll talk about it next week

it's so juicy and trashy i'm enjoying it i have to say i never liked the show and now i like it i'm about it too and i'm secretly like i don't know what's wrong with me, but I kind of want to touch Madison. Oh, he's so disgusting. Madison? He needs a speech therapist. Madison? You want to touch Madison? He actually makes Rosie Pope sound like him.

He's international, people. He doesn't have a lisp. He's international. He's like that episode of Friends where Ross bleached his teeth. Internationale. Internationale. I'm Madison. He's like that episode of Friends where Ross bleached his teeth and they turned on the blacklight and the teeth were glowing and no one would date him. Do you remember that?

He's secretly like Scandinavian or something. Oh, my God. That guy is disgusting. He's just like a pretty rainbow. That's all. He's not real. He's not even that pretty. And it really bugs me when it switches to commercial and it's his clothes being ripped off.

It just makes me think of how he's probably getting up the butt from Andy. You do not think that Andy gives it, do you? I think that they probably have a double build. I've heard that Andy likes him young, which makes me think that he does. I think he's asexual. I don't find him to be a sexual being. He's like a model. He's gorgeous.

I looked him up online last night. He's really beautiful. And they say that Andy is in the closet, which I know sounds ridiculous. But they say that when he checks into the hotel with his boyfriend, he checks in first, and then he makes the boyfriend come in five minutes later. Are you talking about Andy Cohen? Yeah. You said he was in the closet? What?

Well, his relationship is secret. Oh, his relationship is secret. His relationship is in the closet. Yeah. Well, he's clearly doing that bird. I have a very ass coming out story like Anderson Cooper where we're all like, yawn, girl. We knew when you were five years old and the purse fell out of your mouth. I don't care.

Well, can I just tell you I typed in Andy Cohen's boyfriend and a lot of hot guys popped up. They're different guys, right? He's a man of that town. It makes me want to have some success in my life because that wonky-eyed motherfucker is fucking some models. Wait, I have a wonky eye. Are you telling me that if I get rich and successful, I can screw anybody I want? Yeah, pretty much. I have a wonky eye too.

You know why? Because I sleep on my side. You should never You know why? Because I sleep on my side. You should never sleep on your face. I sleep on my side. I sleep on my face. On your cup face? We're going to be three old bitties with wonky eyes, so we've got to be rich. Excuse me, do you think we're not already

three old bitties because we are reality? We're sitting here talking about reality. I can't just give up. All right. I have to leave. I have to leave. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

But go get your makeover at cafes, which sort of sounds like cunt face if you say it fast. Yeah. Anyway, you guys should follow us all on Twitter at What Crappens. Yes. And I'm at TVgasm. And Ben's at B-Side Blog. At B-Side Blog. And Matt is at MyFartherMList. And we will see you nextSide Blog. And Matt is at My Father M-List.

And we will see you next time. Tweet us any questions you guys want us to talk about. Love you, mean it, call us. Bye. Bye, everyone. Bye, everybody. Don't forget to go to Gamefly.com forward slash haha and get your 15-day trial from Gamefly.

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