Watch What Crappens - Our First Ever Live Show!

Episode Date: May 1, 2012

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Starting point is 00:00:00 From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Please help me welcome to the stage, ladies and gentlemen, with the roar they deserve, Watch What Crappens! I can't believe it! I know, you never get what you get to watch on the podcast.
Starting point is 00:00:33 Can I be Julie Chen? I'm Julie Chen. Yes. I want to be Debbie Montanopoulos working again. Aww. So proud of me. I'm so proud of you, too. Alright, well, welcome to Watch What Crappens. I'm Ronnie Caron from TVgasm.
Starting point is 00:00:47 This is Ben Mandelker from B-Side Blog, Matt Whitfield from Yahoo. And today our special guest is Hannah Lopatin. She's a writer and actor on Stevie TV on VH1, which I don't know if you've seen it yet, but it skewers all reality shows. If you haven't seen it yet, the season finale airs last Sunday. So do we. We're waiting on a DVD release. Season two in the fall
Starting point is 00:01:10 and it's a little Peyton, but that's okay. It is? Yes. I've known you for so long I never knew that. No, I think I correct you
Starting point is 00:01:16 all the time. Really? What's my last name? Kara. Oh. Well, I guess I just said that. I was hoping you'd say Karam. Well, we have a huge amount to talk about tonight.
Starting point is 00:01:26 I'm so glad you guys all showed up. I'm hoping you guys are all Bravo fans. If you're not, then this will be kind of boring for you guys. If you're coming here for some political discussion, it's not going to be happening. We're going to be starting off with some gossip, Bravo gossip, and then we're going to be talking about Real Housewives of New Jersey from last night, and then Real Housewives of Orange County, and then Don't Be Tardy for the wedding. So very Housewives-centric, but that's really all that's on Bravo, right?
Starting point is 00:01:57 So am I crazy for being excited about this? Ronnie's the only one watching that million-dollar listing, right? Do you guys watch Million Dollar Listing New York? No. No one watches it. No one. It's interior therapy. It's a gay porn star from the 80s selling Dollar List in New York? No. No one watches that. No one. It's interior therapy. It's a gay porn star from the 80s selling real estate in New York. How are you not watching that?
Starting point is 00:02:09 He was from Zero's. Thank you very much. Not that I would watch. He doesn't know how to make a deal. I'll show him how. So why don't we start out with some gossip. So the big news. Oh, look at this.
Starting point is 00:02:21 Look at what Matt Whitfield. Matt Whitfield, for the people listening at home, he is pouring out some Skinny Girl Margarita. That's against the law to bring that in here. You know that, right? Oh, I didn't.
Starting point is 00:02:30 You're going to have a doorman up your ass. It's not against the law to be wonderful, which is what he's doing by pouring some Skinny Girl Margarita right now. Let's talk Bethany.
Starting point is 00:02:37 So Bethany Frankel actually has a book coming out tomorrow. And as you know, she's written some books before. But this is her first fictional book, and it's loosely based on her life.
Starting point is 00:02:46 It's called Skinny Dipping. And what I think is funny about it is that the lead heroine, it's not about swimming in pools, I don't think. The lead heroine is named Faith Brightstone. And I don't know if you, I never thought of Bethany Frankel's alter ego being this waspy name like Faith Brightstone. What did you guys think? No, that's a very positive name. It's like Bethany Frankel. All she does is complain. Yeah. It should be something
Starting point is 00:03:11 like, you know... Like Joan of Arc. Or some martyr. Or Fanny Kirkpatrick or something like that. But not like Faith Brightstone. That's not Bethany Frankel whatsoever. I don't know if I'm crazy about that. Like Jesse Christie. Do you guys think it'll be like a Jesus Christ name or something like everyone's
Starting point is 00:03:29 always mean to her and like putting her up on crosses. Does she think she's Elsie or something? Writing a book? Well, I mean, I would not real. I would not call her Elsie. You mean Nobel Prize for Literature winning Elsie Lauren Conrad? How dare Bethany try to rise to her standard.
Starting point is 00:03:46 I know. You're outrageous for insinuating that you could possibly be on that level. She complains too much for being a skinny rich woman. I can't approve of Bethany. But speaking of Housewives books, did you guys know that Kelly, what's her middle name? Kill the Wren. It's her original name. Kelly Bensimon, crazy face from Real Housewives of New York, wrote a book, and it's called
Starting point is 00:04:07 I Can Make You Hot. She can. The Supermodel Diet. And wait, now there's some reviews that I believe you found. Yeah, I want to read it. Well, the ones she wrote. Shockingly not all positive. She wrote herself two of them that are really nice.
Starting point is 00:04:22 Fun and entertaining. Quick, fun read that's light on solid diet advice. And grammar. That bitch has alcohol and jelly belt. I could have written that in a paragraph. This is my favorite one. This is the one Hannah wrote. Is this woman truly an author?
Starting point is 00:04:37 It was like reading a fifth grade paper. Also, I googled pictures of her and she does not look healthy for her age. Her skin is bad and she's not in great shape for someone telling others how to be healthy. There is a hue, difference, internet comedy. There's a hue, difference, in being hot and being living healthy and being fit. The book was a waste of my time. Now, did this person, like, realize what book she was reading beforehand? Was that one of the books?
Starting point is 00:05:03 No, I thought it would not be a waste of my time to read a book by Kelly Benson. I thought it would be really insightful. I thought it would be like Elsie's book. It was clearly, that's a Ramona Singer comment. Yeah, definitely. Or Countess Luanne, you know. Countess Luanne, probably. Speaking about literary things.
Starting point is 00:05:18 Good people don't buy books called I Can Make You Hot. I agree. The reason I Can Make You Super Hot would be the one. Yay, look at that forehead. Okay, so now speaking of literary things, people at home, I'm holding up the latest In Touch magazine, In Touch Weekly, and Teresa Giudice, or Giudice, depending on which show you watch, is on the cover, and she says, I'm sorry I was selfish. She wrote apologies to all the other women on The Real Housewives of New Jersey,
Starting point is 00:05:46 and she wrote little letters. You can actually see they're in handwriting fonts, which means that she wrote them, right? What I like about the fact that she sent these apologies is that, as my friend Annie Denner explained on his blog, Reality Blurred, they have to actually pay to get their apologies. They can't actually get personal apologies. They have to go and buy the magazine to read them.
Starting point is 00:06:09 So we thought we'd read each one of these letters. Well, before we read them, do you guys know all this stuff that happened? Okay, Real Housewives of Jersey just came back. And Teresa writes cookbooks. And basically, she steals recipes from some dead grandmother or something. And she takes all the fat and calories out of them and it makes me terrible and then she turns them into random house or whatever and sells these books and they're called like skinny skinny skinny Italian yeah because of
Starting point is 00:06:37 skinny dipping the soon-to-be bestseller launching tomorrow yeah lots of skinny books in the house lies so she takes these books and she sells them. Well, this one she put a lot of personal information, and she basically just slams every housewife. Yeah, and then on the show, as you may remember from the premiere or even from the end of last season, she's like, ah, they're jokes, they're funny, ha-ha. Ha-ha.
Starting point is 00:06:58 I said you stole my furniture from the front of my house. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. It's a joke. Ha-ha. I'm kidding. All right, so we're going to read each one of them. They're small.
Starting point is 00:07:06 You know, they're not long. If you remember from last season, she writes her apologies on, like, size, like, 72 font with her handwriting on, like, Chanel stationery. Two words per page. Two words per page. So why don't you start off with her letter to Jacqueline? No, this is her former best friend. What did she say to Jacqueline?
Starting point is 00:07:22 What did she say to Jacqueline? Well, Jacqueline, I think we're getting there because Jacqueline, remember at the reunion last season? Did not show up. Didn't show up because she was so mad at Teresa. Okay. Oh, and by the way, the preface is the reason why Teresa wrote these apologies is because when she's, because she's on Celebrity Apprentice and she's been working with Charity,
Starting point is 00:07:38 she's realized what, you know, not to sweat the small stuff and that she should apologize. So it really comes from a great place. Is that really why? Are you making that up? I feel like you're making that up. She wrote these because she got 30 grand a pop, is what I heard. And that too. Really? Her letter? No, she got 6K, I read. 6K?
Starting point is 00:07:53 We are really on top of our facts, okay? You see, this is a really... Wait, I heard she wrote it because she got a unicorn for every single fact. She did. That's what Joe Giudice does. He takes care of the unicorns. Facts. Facts. He did. That's what Joe Giudice does. He takes care of
Starting point is 00:08:06 the unicorns. That's his new business. Well, after the pizza place folded. Well, we'll get to all this. You guys, the pizza
Starting point is 00:08:13 place, he had to be there every day. I know, it's crazy. Shirtless. It was hard. Okay, read the letter to Jacqueline.
Starting point is 00:08:19 Dear Jacqueline, I wish we could have resolved things sooner because I'm sincerely sorry for upsetting you, and I'm sorry I didn't respond to your apology on Twitter. Well, you know, that's honestly
Starting point is 00:08:29 the most offensive thing you could do, is not respond to a Twitter apology. I feel like things have gotten out of hand, which is sad. It is sad. I miss our friendship. I miss being like Lucy and Ethel with you. No. What? No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:08:46 At best, they were Elsie and Heidi, just to bring it up. At best. At best. And I hope we can work through these problems one day when you are ready. XOXO. When you... Pass or guess when you are ready. Alright, now I'm going to read her one. I'm sorry, you're a horrible person.
Starting point is 00:09:02 Now this is the one to Kathy. Oh, and there's a little thing that says she'll stick up for Kathy from now on. That's nice. And it also says no more raccoon comments. So that's a really good step in the right direction. Okay.
Starting point is 00:09:18 I'm already laughing because I already saw the first line. Dear Kathy, I forgive you for saying you dread being around me. That's, by the way, already very backhanded. I forgive you for being a bitch to me. I know in my heart the good times we have shared over the years represent your true feelings for me.
Starting point is 00:09:37 I have nothing but love for you in my heart. Sincerely, Teresa. I did not hear her wish to be like Lucy and Ethel or like Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. Which is very distressing to me. I'm sorry that you stole my patio furniture. I hope you're by this comfortable.
Starting point is 00:09:54 Which one is... You're Caroline. Oh, dear Caroline. Okay, you guys. Caroline is gonna murder Teresa. Caroline's like the old one who, like a lot of older people, mad for no reason
Starting point is 00:10:09 and stays mad forever. And she has Bonnie Franklin hair from one day at a time. I don't know if anyone remembers that show, but she has Bonnie Franklin hair. I'm too young. Dear Caroline, crazy blink, crazy blink, crazy, crazy blink, I'm truly sorry for offending you and your cooking.
Starting point is 00:10:26 Oh yeah, she said Caroline was only like one, wait, she said Caroline was as Italian as the Olive Garden. Yeah. It's a joke. Hello. I didn't get it. If I pitched that in a meeting, I'd be out of it.
Starting point is 00:10:42 I miss having fun and letting loose with you. She's never had fun or let Liz with her. No one has ever had fun with Caroline. Well, they do play the ham game. Oh, that's fun. They throw ham at the wall. Is that true? Classic Manzo fun.
Starting point is 00:10:57 They reference that, actually. Is that true? Yeah. I don't know half of the shit they say on this show. Because they said last night something about throwing ham. I thought it was like a masturbation reference. It was. It was twofold.
Starting point is 00:11:13 We had a lot of fun together, shared many laughs. I miss those good times. I just want us all to get along. XO, XO. Well, you know what? Kathy got us sincerely. Oh, Kathy only got us sincerely. That's right.
Starting point is 00:11:24 We got two XOs, and Kathy only got us sincerely. Oh, Kathy only got two XOs, and Kathy only got sincerely. Oh, Joe and Melissa get a duel. Oh, now this is going to be the most interesting one. Okay. I really like her. Dear Joe and Melissa. Crazy blink. Crazy blink. Crazy blink. I'm sorry I haven't been as enthusiastic about Melissa's singing
Starting point is 00:11:39 career as I should have been. I'm happy that you are following your dreams. Also, this has been difficult for our parents. It breaks their hearts. I want to make them proud, and I want them to be happy. Life is too short to live like this. Let's cherish every moment together. Sincerely, Teresa.
Starting point is 00:11:56 XO. XO. You know, that is totally you know that was like, Kathy only got this sincerely. You know that was intentional. It's because Jeff Goldblum keeps hitting on her. Well, you know, this is a perfect time. Well, actually, before we even get into our New Jersey,
Starting point is 00:12:11 our full New Jersey coverage, what do you guys think about these apologies? I think they're kind of insincere. I was a little touched by the last one. I was reading, I was like, I'm going to make this funny. Oh. Like, it's too short. You're going to call up your mom now. I was reading to research you guys in touch. I don't know. I think it's too short. You're going to call up your mom now. I was reading Teresa Chudais in touch. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:12:27 I think what bothers me is that now that she's written these things, she's going to say, well, I wrote these things and I showed it to the world, and now I've done my part. I've been as sincere as possible. And she still doesn't get what she did wrong. She's Teresa. I know. If she got what she did wrong, she wouldn't have a career right now.
Starting point is 00:12:44 That's true, too. She's a crazy, stupid biatch. And that's why she's on TV. Go, Teresa! Well, then, why don't we launch into our full-on coverage of last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Yeah! So, speaking of a... She's really excited.
Starting point is 00:13:01 You actually sounded like Teresa having sex with Joe, by the way. That's probably something he puts on his vibrating cock ring. which, by the way, is referenced on the show. I did not make that up. It's not a classy show. Matt gets shocked very easily. I flush my pearls. He's already turning pale over here. Just say cock ring and he faints.
Starting point is 00:13:18 Anyway, speaking of apologies, so Teresa tried to apologize to everyone at this dinner last night on the show. That was the worst apology ever, though, because she's like, all right, you guys, I wrote a cookbook. I know you guys read it. I just wanted to say that the cookbook was recipes. It was funny. So sorry. I was like, she's dead silence. She had an audience, though.
Starting point is 00:13:43 I mean, she always is performing for an audience. She got them all under one roof. Crazy thing. She did get them all under one roof, but, I mean, they could not have, they looked like they wanted to slit her neck, you know? Well, Sister of Ma Melissa is finally coming out of her shell, because last year was her first year, and so she was very shy. Teresa was popular at that time, so she was super nice to Teresa, And now she's a flaming C-word, and I love it. Well, could you really, like, step to Teresa when she's got, like, Satan as a daughter in Melania? Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:14:13 Because you know if you step to Teresa, Melania's coming up like Chucky at night and stabbing him in the eyeball. Daddy, why are you cooking? You're not a cooker. You're a hooker. Oh, my God. Yeah, she literally said hooker last night. She's six years old. She's six.
Starting point is 00:14:27 I did not know what a hooker was until I was at least 24. Actually, when I was in fifth grade, we had typing class, and I really hated it. So every day I would come in and come up with, like, a job that didn't need to type. And I thought a hooker was a drug dealer. And I came in, I was like, what about a hooker? Oh, that's much better. And the teacher, like, handled it so well. She was like, well, they need to keep track of their clients. Very organized hooker.
Starting point is 00:14:51 You need math. You know, when they don't have a pimp, you have to have your own personal index that you type. A very modern hooker, too. It's just like straight-faced, a hooker needs to type. A hooker these days has to know how to run a website. They have to know HTML. They got to know PayPal. They got to tweet. They got to have YouTube. Hook hooker these days has to know how to run a website. They have to know HTML. They gotta know PayPal. Gotta have tweets. Gotta have YouTube.
Starting point is 00:15:08 Hookers got it going on. Final cut. So Teresa apologized to everyone and then there was this really weird thing that happened. The guys went downstairs to play poker and they're all laughing, laughing, laughing and then you hear the girl say, what's that
Starting point is 00:15:23 yelling downstairs? And then it, like, fades out and comes up, like, six hours later. And Joe Giudice has a black eye. And I was all excited because I was like, ooh, they're going to show us, like, what happened. Everyone's going to talk about it and we're going to go back and watch it. But we actually never saw the fight. Yeah, why do you think we didn't see it? Is it un-aired? It seemed like the cameras were there.
Starting point is 00:15:40 Because it's not supposed to be about the husbands. And I think the camera people were like, oh, they're just going to grab each other's nuts. Let's go back supposed to be about the husbands. If there's a fight, it's about they're just going to grab each other's nuts. Let's go back upstairs. Bravo missed the ball. Now, that's the other weird thing. They were all describing it so Joe and Richie started going at it and then... You need to get to the details there.
Starting point is 00:15:57 Going at it. He was grabbing his testicles. That's what I'm saying. First they stand up and then they're like, grab the nuts of... Wait, who's nuts? Richie're like, grab the nuts. Those are his balls. Wait, Richie's nuts, right? Yeah. He grabbed Richie's nuts and he said, that guy's got nuts like a, what was that? Like a gerbil or something.
Starting point is 00:16:14 He said there were no nuts. And I have not been in many fights, shockingly. But forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think grabbing the nuts is not usually one of the first steps in the altercation, right? But also, in the news this week, somebody died because some chick grabbed his nuts. That can happen. That can happen. You guys were at the Abbey yesterday. Did it happen there?
Starting point is 00:16:32 I think it happened many times. There are many fatalities at the Abbey. Yes, that's it. Fighting, quote unquote. A lot of nut-darring at the Abbey. Anyway, why didn't we see the fight? Is it saved for lost footage? No, wait, it gets better.
Starting point is 00:16:44 So Joe Giudice grabbed his nuts, and then they started doing this to each happy. Anyway, why didn't we see the fight? Is it saved for lost footage? No, wait, it gets better. So Joe Giudice grabbed his nuts, and then they started doing this to each other. That was the action that they gave to him. And then I think Richie got a candlestick. It literally became Clue. Yeah! It literally was a candlestick in his face.
Starting point is 00:17:00 But he's knocked on, I was unclear, because some were saying he got knocked onto a couch, and then he hit a candlestick on the way down, which is kind of weird also. And I'm wondering why there's also, like, big heavy candlesticks in the basement, too. Have you seen her decor? I know. Were you the one who mentioned that it looked like a Vegas casino? Yes, there's a Fleur de Lis on every surface.
Starting point is 00:17:17 Including the asses of all the men's jeans. Yeah, that's true, too. That's very true. I'm kind of bummed. This is, like, I think the second big fight that we've not seen on camera. So let's explain that because last season we didn't see the fight in the Dominican when they were on vacation. And that was going to be the juiciest, you know, possible fight. And I think we didn't see that because there was litigation that came as a result of that.
Starting point is 00:17:39 But I don't see the litigation. Do you guys know what happened there? They went to, what, Puntaacana sounds like a fucking bitch. A whorehouse. What is that? It's a horrible thing to say. It's actually supposed to be a resort in the Dominican Republic. They were in the Hard Rock, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:49 That's a horrible thing to say. It's horrible. So they were in some horrible place in Mexico that declares women with its name. It was Dominican Republic. Whatever. Same here. So they were there, and Teresa got in a fight with somebody and beat the shit out of them with some bar.
Starting point is 00:18:04 She threw champagne at some lady and then they all started fighting. Again, but this was all caught on camera. No XOXO to that bitch. She gets it sincerely. That's it. So that was a big thing that was never shown. Now we have a fist fight
Starting point is 00:18:19 and I feel like the cameras should have been there to catch it and yet nothing did. It was like they were showing the men. There was some weird editing that happened. Yeah. Because, like, they were showing the men, and all of a sudden you hear this dialogue, but, like, they're like, what's going on? And there's, like, a glass in front of Richie's face as he's saying it, and then it, like,
Starting point is 00:18:34 moves. And it's clearly, like, they overlaid the dialogue. It was very shady. Like, you're short, or, like, how short are you? Yeah. And then all of a sudden it was just gone. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald,
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Starting point is 00:19:50 what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History Rosa Parks Reconstruction MLK February Black History Month exactly exactly there are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Starting point is 00:20:19 And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some, as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad-free
Starting point is 00:20:33 on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Are you suggesting that this is not real? What? What? What?
Starting point is 00:20:47 The fight didn't happen right then and there? Just checking. I am shocked. Yeah, it was a weird thing. But I think it was Kathy who made actually a very clever, passive-aggressive comment about, like, how strange is it that Joe Giudice, who is a taekwondo master, got taken down by Richie by accident?
Starting point is 00:21:05 I mean, it's true. I mean, if this guy is supposed to be this karate, Taekwondo, martial arts master. Not this season. Well, he's a little drunk now. He's basically a drunkard. He's basically. He's really been working on his tits. They're like a C now.
Starting point is 00:21:17 Yeah, they're great. They're like a C. Alexis Bellino should be so jealous right now. He's got a droopy C. They're looking pretty good. Well, you know, speaking of dietary issues, poor Lauren Manzo. She cannot shed that weight. All right, you guys.
Starting point is 00:21:29 Carolyn Manzo is the worst mother ever. I'm 36, and I still have mommy issues. And I have actually a nice mom. I just blame her for a lot of stuff. Why not? Carolyn Manzo is really terrible. She takes her fat kid. She's always like, oh, you poor thing.
Starting point is 00:21:43 You're so fat. And every year, this poor girl gets fatter and fatter because she's got her mom telling her she's fat all day. She's also dating a fat guy who runs a deli. And there's also one season when she was doing a cereal diet where all she did was eat frosted flakes. And Lucky
Starting point is 00:21:58 Charms. Yeah, Lucky Charms. Well, so now Lauren Manzo, unfortunately for her, things have gotten really dire. And now she had to go see some nutritionist who I think maybe. Dr. Perricone. Hello. He's famous, you guys. I guess he's famous.
Starting point is 00:22:09 Who prescribed her with like, here's a jug of egg whites and some cocoa powder. And you can just drink this all week. And berries. Oh, and berries. And his whole office was like giant jars of fish oil pills. What the fuck kind of doctor is this? And Caroline's like, yeah, poor thing. I wish it was one of my sons.
Starting point is 00:22:26 That's so skinny. It doesn't affect the sons. I was like, well, one of your sons is pretty fat. But, you know, the thing is, Lauren, she's got Vito.
Starting point is 00:22:33 I mean, why is she caring so much? Because she's trying to launch a business. She's a makeup artist. Well, now, that's the other thing. Will she have the commitment
Starting point is 00:22:38 to this diet? Because, you know what? As we learned, Face by Lauren Manzo, which is her cosmetic line, it shuttered a day after her grand opening at Chateau. She didn't like it, so she just walked out the day after her grand opening.
Starting point is 00:22:51 So now, I mean, honestly, if you cannot make it at Chateau, the Art of Beauty in Franklin Lake, New Jersey, I have serious concerns about your business acumen. She can probably get a job at POP. Well, you know, the truth is this. I also wonder how far apart are lauren and ashley ashley is like the bad seed but lauren's not doing that much with her life either lauren's
Starting point is 00:23:11 trying at least no she's not she's been one day she's befriended her mom and her mom's friends yeah and she's like a 50 year old yeah she hangs out with her mom and gets better and dates some dudes from the deli listen i'm a true believer that you should only lose weight to get somebody to marry you on the first date. The only reason I'm not 600 pounds is because I'm single. The only reason.
Starting point is 00:23:35 The moment we find a veto, yeah. I'm going to find some fat guy with a job. No, Lauren, I mean, here's the thing. Should we start talking about Ashley? Because Ashley needs to be talked about. Have you guys been following Ashley and the saga of her awfulness? Lips and hair. So now she looks like a porn star.
Starting point is 00:23:51 That's the new thing. She's bleached blonde. Her lips are out to the air. Okay, so in case you don't know who this is, Jacqueline used to be a waitress. A VIP waitress. And met her Goomba husband there at her Denny's job or whatever. Naked.
Starting point is 00:24:06 In Vegas. And he took her in and made her rich. And then she had this kid who's now just a spoiled brat. She's never done anything to this kid but give her money. So now the kid's like a total drug addict on an Escalade. And she dyed her hair blonde and looks like a porn star and got new lips. And she's horrible. She's awful.
Starting point is 00:24:21 She's been awful every season. And just when you think she can't get more awful, you sort of think, okay, she's old enough where she can be a little bit more self-aware. She can read that people think that she's awful. She can see herself on TV. She has Twitter, right? Twitter teaches you what people think about you. You're horrible.
Starting point is 00:24:37 Instead, she just gets worse and worse and finally to reform her ways, this is sort of an unorthodox method, I would think, Jacqueline and her husband Chris have decided to send her ways, this is sort of an unorthodox method, I would think. Jacqueline and her husband Chris have decided to send her to probably the most laid back and simple place, Las Vegas. They picked her out to Las Vegas.
Starting point is 00:24:54 She parted two hearts, we're going to send you to Las Vegas because that'll really help everything. Well, it's like, if your parents go to college, they want you to go to college. Jacqueline just wants her daughter to be in an environment where she can find a man to go to college. Jacqueline just wants her daughter to be in an environment where she can find a man to support her problems. I call it good parenting.
Starting point is 00:25:08 So this storyline was hilarious. Would you agree, Matt? It's a hilarious storyline. It was the best ever in Jersey history. So all that had to happen. Here's all that Ashley had to do. She had to catch a plane.
Starting point is 00:25:19 We'll talk about, no, no, we have to talk about when she left the house. That's what I'm talking, yeah. No, no, you have to go back further to where she, the first minute you see Ashley, okay? She's up on the stairs, and she's like, oh, this is so hard. I have a suitcase.
Starting point is 00:25:31 It's hard. I can't even pack it. I don't even know what I'm doing. I can't even carry this. I'm afraid of flying. It's hot outside. So they're going to take... And then she admits that she's been taking Xanax all day.
Starting point is 00:25:42 Yeah. And then she also says something along the lines of, I didn't even know planes could crash until I saw Castaway. Wait, what? Do you remember who she said that? You watched this on Fast Forward, don't you? You blocked it out. It was such a stupid comment. You must have blocked it out.
Starting point is 00:25:58 Almost as stupid as when she later said, I sip NyQuil with a straw. Yes, that was amazing. Clearly, this is one of our greatest thinkers. I can't wait for her book to come out. I can make you drop. In a skinny dipping pool. No, she...
Starting point is 00:26:15 So, basically, they were just sending her to Newark Airport to get her out. But Jacqueline was not going to drive her. She didn't even hug her. Well, no, Jacqueline said the reason why I'm having Albie, her nephew Albie, take her is because
Starting point is 00:26:32 she's afraid they'd get into a fight on the way to the airport. She wanted to leave her. Possibly gay son of Caroline, man. She said, I just want to give Ashley a big hug
Starting point is 00:26:39 and send her on her way. She didn't even give the hug. No, she was busy playing with the dog. She was. She literally was playing with the dog. Which is, you know what, honestly, a better entertainment alternative than feeling bad. She has't even give the hug. No, she was busy playing with the dog. She was. She literally was playing with the dog, which is, you know what, honestly
Starting point is 00:26:45 a better entertainment alternative than feeling bad. She has a husband in Chris that provides for her. They have two children of their own. She's done with that baby. Not even Chris took her to the, like no one took her to the airport. No, they're done with her. So, so Albie takes her to the airport and drops her off at the curb
Starting point is 00:27:01 and she's like doing her thing where she cries with her pinkies in her eyes. And she's like, I don't even know what an airport is. And she goes, she doesn't actually. She literally was doing that. I don't know how to do this. What do you do? How do I know what plane it is? My dad didn't even tell me what plane to get on.
Starting point is 00:27:16 Yeah, so she goes in. She's at the airport, I'm assuming many hours early. Tweeting the entire time. Tweeting, and she's like, LOL, where's the Dunkin' Donuts? LOL. Literally, I'm not joking. Thateting the entire time. Tweeting, and she's like, LOL, where's the Dunkin' Donuts? LOL. And, literally, I'm not joking. That was not a joke. And then she announces that she missed her flight.
Starting point is 00:27:32 Even though she was in the same airport, and she was there many hours early, she somehow missed her flight. But not only did she miss it, she's like, stupid airline employee. She's like, I hate my, yeah. They were so mean to me. This is, and she has the classic thing, she's like, I hate my life. This, they were so mean to me. This is, and she has the classic thing. She's like, I hate my life.
Starting point is 00:27:47 This stuff always happens to me. Yeah, because you're such an idiot that you can walk from, like, through the gate onto your airplane. Well, meanwhile, her parents have planned this party because this bitch is gone. So they have a party of, like,
Starting point is 00:27:59 30 people. They're like, she's leaving. Is that a good thing? Yeah, they invite, they're partying, they're, like, drinking, they're tossing, Do you know how much they hate thing? They're partying, they're like drinking, they're tossing a can with each other.
Starting point is 00:28:09 They hate Ashley so much they even invited Teresa to this party and they hate Teresa. They're like, yes, Ashley's gone. We're going to invite Teresa now. Yeah, and then poor Ashley comes back in and everyone's just like, oh. The record scratches. Yeah, the record really scratches.
Starting point is 00:28:22 Like, oh, the porn star is back. But she did eventually, Chris, the next day, did drive her to the airport. This stuff is making me drunk. That's Vanessa. I need a martini. I don't like this colored stuff. Speaking of Ashley, I didn't mean it like that.
Starting point is 00:28:38 Artificially colored. Speaking of Ashley, it brings up a question. We have a question, which is, what can Ashley do? If she cannot literally just take the few steps it takes to get off an airplane, what mundane things can she or can she not do? What do we think?
Starting point is 00:28:57 Do we think that she's capable of returning a DVD to Netflix? No. I can't do that, and I'm a fairly smart person. I found soap dish when I was moving. I found it behind my couch. That's a great thing to find. It cost me like $40 for. I found soap dish when I was moving. I found it behind my couch. That's a great thing to find. They charged me like $40 for a copy of soap dish. No, you just say you lost it. Worth every penny.
Starting point is 00:29:11 I had already done that, though. You can only do that one time. All right. Do we think that she can open a bag of Cheetos by herself? Definitely. She's like Brittany. Yeah, that's sort of her diet of the Cheetos. What about climbing up a ladder?
Starting point is 00:29:22 Do we think that she can climb a ladder? No. She'll step on that little part that part that you're not supposed to step on. It'll flip over. This is my life. I hate this in my life. Things happen like this in my life. Why would they put the slanted like this? This is so dumb. Why do you need a ladder?
Starting point is 00:29:38 It should be a circle. Do we think she actually even understands the basic principles of gravity at this point? Yeah, if that's how she goes to bed, just ask her. Gravity will get me to bed. She's like, I didn't even know you could fall asleep until I saw Sleeping with the Enemy. I threw an apple in the air and it fell on the ground. That's stupid.
Starting point is 00:29:59 Why don't you stay up there? I hate my life. The apples never stay suspended in the air. Okay, so speaking of other idiots. Okay, Joe Judice. Joe Judice. How are we pronouncing it this week?
Starting point is 00:30:15 Well, it was Judice, and then it was Judice. And now it's Judice. Okay, let's talk about him shirtless ago. Alright, there's way too much of him shirtless. Way too much. And it's unpleasant. He looks like when Demi Moore was pregnant and she did that bad cover.
Starting point is 00:30:32 And she was naked, like, holding her boob. That is. You know, I'm really glad to have that image in my head now. I've always wondered what would happen if Demi just opened up her arms. And now I know. It's just Joe doing weights. What about Joe Giudice not oh can you pretend it's before eight and get me a martini I don't like this
Starting point is 00:30:50 we're talking to the waitress we're talking about if not put it on this card yeah um so anyway um so his pizza place oh we have to talk about his pizza place yeah so I closed her lazy ass Teresa's lazy ass husband, he's been arrested because he was drunk, he ran into a tree drunk driving. Yeah. And he was like,
Starting point is 00:31:09 oh, I wasn't even drunk, I just hit a tree. And then, so his license was therefore suspended, as would happen if you drunk drive.
Starting point is 00:31:15 And then he went to the DMV to get, with his brother's documents, to get a license for himself. Yeah,
Starting point is 00:31:22 but he did have a driver's license. And so, yeah, so guess what? He got caught, because he's also on TV and people know who he is. And then he got into real trouble now. And now he has a driver to take him to the construction site
Starting point is 00:31:36 for work. A driver to take him to the pizza place that he doesn't have time to go to. Okay, so Teresa bought him a pizza place to keep him out of the house. All he has to do is go make pizza. Yeah. This poor guy can't even do that. He shows up in the beginning of this episode all bleary-eyed, stoned, out of his mind,
Starting point is 00:31:52 like all puffy-eyed. And he's like, I just can't do it, Tree. I've got to be there every day, you know. I think this is good. I think this is good, to be honest, because I don't know if we need Jojo Dice's pizza inflicted on the world. Okay, but do we need him to build a hospice center across the street?
Starting point is 00:32:05 Oh, yeah. That's a new plan. Yeah, that's a new plan. He's going to tear down a gas station and build a retirement home. The 50 and older. Those old people. I know, 55 and older.
Starting point is 00:32:16 I'm like, that's really young. That is going to be an undercover investigation. It's probably going to be a new Bravo show. Thank you, Andy Kelman. Could you imagine? Come stay at our retirement home, formerly a gas station. All the wonderful amenities you could ever want.
Starting point is 00:32:32 It does make you wonder, though, who is worse? Who is worse of a husband? Joe? Jujitsu? J? Or Jim Bellino from Real Housewives of Orange County? Do you guys know who that is?
Starting point is 00:32:46 This is our little segue. Wait, wait, wait. You can't go to OC yet. What did we miss? We have to talk about Kathy's hot son. Oh, wait. Oh, gross.
Starting point is 00:32:55 This is going to be Matt's soapbox corner. Matt, tell us what your thoughts are. I'm a pedophile alert. Barney thinks I'm a pedophile, so let's move on. No, no, no, no. I don't want them to
Starting point is 00:33:02 have a camera's intentions for a 15-year-old. Let's go. But we do agree that he will be hot once he becomes of age. But he's 15 right now. So let's move on. No, no, no, no. I don't want them to have cameras and tensions for 15-year-olds. But we do agree that he will be hot once he becomes of age. But he's 15 right now. Did you not sext when you were younger? No. We didn't have cell phones.
Starting point is 00:33:15 How young are you? Never mind. One day at a time. Matt just turned 19. So anyway, so who is worse, Joe or Jim? Joe, by far. Jim. At least Joe's fuckable. Admit it. Admit it.
Starting point is 00:33:28 Well, Jim's got that new chin, you know. New chin, new attitude, right? I don't want some guy boning me and then lecturing me about Jesus. I can't. Some people might like that. He at least has a little bit of money. Judicia has nothing. What does he even do? He's opening
Starting point is 00:33:44 a business where he's gonna just open a backyard full of trampolines for children to has nothing. What does he even do? He's opening a business where he's going to just open a backyard full of trampolines for children to jump on. Who does that? What kind of business is that? That's Jim Bellino's business? Yeah, it's his new business. Didn't you catch that? Somehow I missed that. Somehow I missed that in Forbes.
Starting point is 00:34:01 That's what he's working on. It's a new family business where people come and jump on actually to be fair I've heard of those things I've been and it's fucking awesome I would go like Jim Bellino just went so high up he went up on an emotional trampoline
Starting point is 00:34:17 trampoline parks are so fun I want to go although I don't know if I'd go to Jim Bellino's trampoline park every trampoline would look like Alexis's boobs. You'd just be bouncing on her boobs the entire time. But Joe, Judith, whatever, is such, like, she's like, I'm so happy to have him home and taking care of the kids. And they show, like, the little one's bleeding.
Starting point is 00:34:38 He's like, ah, she's fine. And the oldest one's like, she's going to be bitter. What's the oldest one's name? Gia. Oh, yeah. Gia is going to be so bitter. She's like, oh, take care of it. She's, like, cleaning the blood off her kids. I know the oldest one's name? Gia. Gia is going to be so bitter. She's like, oh,
Starting point is 00:34:45 take care of it. She's like cleaning the blood off her kids. I know. And he's like pouring wine for them. He's like, ah, she's fine. He's such a horrible,
Starting point is 00:34:53 horrible man. I think he's actually a terrible father. Yeah. I actually don't like the way he talks to his kids. No, but we're all in agreement here except for Ronnie. But then again, Jim though,
Starting point is 00:35:02 but Jim is awful though. No, I'm not saying Jim's not awful, I'm just saying. Well, here's where Jim is stupid, okay? Joe at least has the foresight to realize that he's not making any money, so Teresa's going to have to bring in the money. Now, Jim, I don't think is making any
Starting point is 00:35:16 money either, and Alexis now has some weird opportunities to make like $5 at Fox News, or Fox San Diego, and Jim wants to shut that shit down, because he's just jealous and he thinks that she should be home with the kids. No, it's because the real reason is because Alexis... She has a future anchoring.
Starting point is 00:35:33 She's just like Katie Couric. She is. No, no, not Katie Couric. That's not even a real person. It's Katie Keurig. Keurig. Keurig. I think it's because that job doesn't pay her enough.
Starting point is 00:35:46 Alexis can only do so many jobs to support Jen. And Fox 5 News, how much is that going to pay? And she has to nurture Alexis Couture because, you know. She should neuter that shit. I'm kind of upset that we don't have some pieces from the Alexis Couture line here to show off. It has nothing on She Buy Charade. Oh, that's true. She By Shere hasn't even manifested. It's the line of all lines.
Starting point is 00:36:07 It will be, when it comes out, it will be amazing. It's coming back. It is coming back. Really, Shere? Except we're not. It'd actually be funny if just like a dress showed up, you know, it's like, oh, Shere's here. It's just like a dress on a hanger. It'd be sad. It'd be like, and it broke back down. Very
Starting point is 00:36:23 random. I'd take it to a dark place. A dark, gay place. It's the ghost of Sheree. It implodes. And Mimi will just smell it and be like, you're such a bitch! So let's talk about the real hassles of Orange
Starting point is 00:36:40 County because we need to start talking about it. Gretchen is an artist, you guys. Yeah, let's talk about Gretchen. Let's talk about Gretchen and the singing. We've been waiting for seven weeks. Seven weeks. Guys, I love you.
Starting point is 00:36:54 I don't know if you guys heard. She lost her voice, guys. Did you hear? I don't know if you heard. She lost it. Who loses their voice for that long from one day of shouting? Losing your voice doesn't mean that you can't hit the right pitch yeah thank you thank you pitch burn doesn't mean tone down bam you totally got it i think someday gretchen is just going to have to accept the fact that she has no voice i kind of feel like though that she does have some sense of herself oh a little
Starting point is 00:37:21 bit and you're like what um i feel like she kind of knows she sucks. Yeah. Like, that's why she's so nervous. I feel like Slade pushed her into it. I actually agree a little bit. I think she kind of knows. She's created a lie. She's created a lie because she knows she sucks. Well, I like Gretchen because she knows that everybody sucks and she knows that she sucks. Like, when
Starting point is 00:37:39 Slade wanted to be a stand-up comic, she's like, you can't do that. You're terrible. The only one she doesn't realize. When he wanted her to be a singer, she's like, I can't do that. You're terrible. The only one she doesn't realize. The only one who wanted her to be a singer. She's like, I can't do that. I'm terrible. Like, she knows, at least. The only person she doesn't realize who sucks is Slade. She doesn't realize that Slade sucks.
Starting point is 00:37:52 She does, but Slade's her agent. Exactly. Look, my agent sucks, but I want to be in commercials. So, I have to the phone. You know, do we really think that Slade got her the gig with the Pussycat Dolls? Yes. Or Bravo? Yeah. Robin, do you think Slade did that the gig with the Pussycat Dolls? Yes. Or Bravo? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:05 Robin, do you think Slade did that? Uh-huh. All right, fine. Fine. You go work with Slade. We'll see what opens up for you. No pun intended. She did turn down the Fox 5.
Starting point is 00:38:19 She did. Oh, okay, we have to talk about that. That was awesome. Because these BFFs are falling apart. Yeah. Fast. So Gretchen was BFFs with Alexis. Boobs for Jesus, in case you don't watch the show.
Starting point is 00:38:29 Yeah. BFJ. Yeah. And Alexis has been all proud of her hard-hitting news segment where she interviews people like Dr. Booty and various women dressed like nurses. And so she was showing- So you're here to talk about sex and children sex and children sex they must have been so excited when they saw her on camera like it's such a train wreck
Starting point is 00:38:55 every week you know the possible like yes we're totally getting on the show now because you see the out form one sentence you know the more people who were there to talk about teen sex to sex didn't even know what to say. Of course she got their name bar wrong. And her chest was falling out for sure. She called one lady Dr. Areola. She did. She did.
Starting point is 00:39:17 Sadly, she doesn't even know what an Areola is. Her name was Ariana, but it's okay. So then she's proudly showing this hideous segment off to Gretchen, and Gretchen being the bitch that she is, is like, oh yeah, they offered that to me first, but I turned it down, but I'm so glad that you're doing it. I love frenemies.
Starting point is 00:39:33 Oh, it's amazing, but the fucked up thing is Alexis doesn't even realize how terrible she is. Yeah. So shouldn't that be Gretchen's job as her BFF to tell her that, or? She did. She was like, get a coach. She did it in like the nicest way possible. She actually did it as nicely as she possibly could. But that's the advice Gretchen's job as her BFF to tell her that? She did. She was like, get a coach. She did it in the nicest way possible. She actually did it as nicely as she possibly could.
Starting point is 00:39:47 But that's the advice Gretchen gives everybody. You shouldn't do it. You have no talent. Don't even try. It's the same advice she gave herself. Yeah, and unfortunately she's not totally following it, but that's okay. Oh wait, I have to say something though. You guys, Gretchen can kind of sing.
Starting point is 00:40:04 Admit it. Admit it. She can kind of sing in the You guys, Gretchen can kind of sing. Admit it. Admit it. Somebody admit it. She can kind of sing in the way that Lindsay Lohan can kind of sing. Lohan's first album is amazing. And it's auto-tuned. So there's all these starlets who are like, oh, I can kind of hit notes and you can auto-tune it and now I'm a singer. I don't know. Well, considering that Bravo has teased out this Pussycat Dolls performance over like five episodes.
Starting point is 00:40:26 And we really didn't even get to see. We haven't yet seen the true performance yet. That's going to happen. My God, we didn't talk about Melissa Gorga's song. Oh, yeah. Does anybody know it? The new ballad. Anyone have it on their iPod yet?
Starting point is 00:40:37 No. Do you guys? No. No. Would have won something. Would have won half of Skinny Girl. Yeah. It's like, Joe, Joe, I love
Starting point is 00:40:46 you, Joe. Thank you for everything you give me, Joe. And he's like, yeah, I'm gonna put my poison into you, baby. And then they went to bed. Yeah. It's a good song. I hate this song. Watch it. DVR. Can we talk about
Starting point is 00:41:01 Vicky Gunnison? Yeah, let's talk about Vicky. Okay, so can we talk about Brooks? Okay, so V, let's talk about Vicky Can we talk about Brooks? Okay, so Vicks has this new boyfriend named Brooks who may or may not be a grifter from Mississippi or Alabama or whatever, whose way of courtship is to say, your eyes are so beautiful what are your assets again?
Starting point is 00:41:18 There's a daily affirmation via text Oh yeah, daily affirmation What does that mean? It means he says they're lovely What's the affirmation? What does that mean? It means he said you're lovely. No, but like what's the affirmation? Did he read one? He shared one.
Starting point is 00:41:28 He said, like a man tells his woman I want to tell everyone in the world that I love you and she says okay and he whispers
Starting point is 00:41:35 I love you and it's like oh because she's the world so think about that. It caused just as an awkward silence on the show as it did right now.
Starting point is 00:41:46 Did it move you as emotionally as Teresa's apology to Joe and Melissa? Because I can already see the tears welling up in your eyes. I just want a man to say that to me. No, I really don't. No, you don't. So do we think Brooks is a good guy or a grifter? No. He's a grifter. Look, Vicky has a beaver face
Starting point is 00:42:01 and boob scars. You guys, she got boobs when they were still square. You remember when they would, like, put squares into people? So she has these big square boobs. And they didn't stitch it up right. So she's got, like, two inch scars here under her boob. Yeah. And I've actually seen them up close and in person.
Starting point is 00:42:18 Like mother, like daughter. I've actually, believe it or not, I actually saw Vicky in person. And she was wearing, like, this weird dress where you can actually see, like boob and the scars are like hideous look and god bless you you know insurance insurance insurance insurance yeah with Vicky but I say unless you're dating somebody uglier than you chances are they're using you yeah this is why I date ugly people um I don't know. I think there's definitely a chance that Brooks could be a grifter. But I don't know.
Starting point is 00:42:52 I feel like maybe he might be not a grifter. He sends her cards. He sends her, like, those shoebox greeting cards. No, shoebox greetings are matching the crowd. Like, you suck. Ha ha, I love you. Before we move on, can we please talk about the makeup debacle yes makeup gate 2020 okay alexis this week alexis showed up in blackface you guys on the real house size of warren's county so so alexis had an issue because obviously she has to go anywhere she goes
Starting point is 00:43:21 she needs to have a makeup artist because who doesn't i already i had mine backstage. And this makeup artist in Vegas shockingly put on too much makeup. Which, by the way, says a lot if you put on too much makeup for Alexis. Okay. It wasn't too much makeup. Alexis got a nose job because she had something blocking her sinus. It wasn't a nose job. It was for medical reasons, you guys. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:40 Jesus ordained it. And she still got bruises here. So this dumbass makeup artist tried to match the bruise color. So she made her whole face look like her black face. And Alexis didn't want to tell her, but she can't go out like that. So Alexis was all embarrassed, and she's like, gosh, now I look like a drag queen. I'm like, I hate to break it to you, Alexis. It's not the makeup that's doing that.
Starting point is 00:44:02 Although she looks like the most womanly woman next to the real housewives of Atlanta. Those are the real drag queens. Those are my girls. Actually, we were going to talk about Don't Be Tired of the Weddings, speaking of Atlanta, but I think before we get to that, I think we have a question for Hannah about the housewives of Orange County
Starting point is 00:44:19 and New Jersey, because since you are our expert from VH1 here, which makes you very famous. We did do an OC parody. and New Jersey. Because since you are our expert from VH1 here, which makes you very famous, we're supposed to let you talk more. We did do an OC parody. Yeah, well, so our question is this, which is, if we threw the Housewives of New Jersey and the Housewives of Orange County
Starting point is 00:44:34 into the Hunger Games, who would die? And who would emerge victorious? Yeah, put them in order. Okay, you have to put them in order. Tell us how the Hunger Games would play out. And who killed them. And how.
Starting point is 00:44:47 Because normally I spend a lot of time writing a sketch instead of just doing it on the spot. God, I think... Then sing it. Sing it. Sing it and dance it? Yeah. PCD style.
Starting point is 00:44:58 I think... I have to say I think Caroline Manzo would be the victor. She'd be the Katniss. You think she'd be the victor? Yes. She's like the strongest woman. She be the victor. She'd be the Katniss. You think Katniss Everdeen? Yes. She's like the strongest woman. She kind of looks slow.
Starting point is 00:45:10 I don't think we're asking. Do you really see her getting up a tree? Getting up a tree. Mental games. Yeah. She's, I think, the smartest. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:18 Alexis is definitely the first one out. Yeah, she's the one who gets killed with the bumblebees. She would kill herself. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:24 Like, how does this work? Oh! She'd be going into the... You know what? Maybe, actually, I take this all back. Gretchen would win. Yes.
Starting point is 00:45:33 Gretchen would win. She's in good shape. Yeah. She and Tamara, I think, would have, like, an alliance. Yeah. Take it to the end. Well, then who would win?
Starting point is 00:45:42 Melissa Gorga would be, like, a good third place. She would be... Yeah, Melissa would come close. She'd be that girl with the daggers. Melissa even has muscles in her boobs. She's got muscles. She's jacked. And I don't think she's that dumb.
Starting point is 00:45:54 No, I don't think so either actually. I think she's smart. But she's not Gretchen's smart. Vicky would be out pretty early. I think Vicky just would refuse to early I think just because everyone I think Vicky just would refuse to play
Starting point is 00:46:06 she'd be like I don't do this I have to work I have to work I'm not fine for all our games she's like do all these kids
Starting point is 00:46:12 have insurance because if they're going out there and die they're leaving families behind with no insurance a helicopter would just keep coming and dropping her back
Starting point is 00:46:19 into the game because her insurance is so good who else is there Teresa the game because our interns are so good. Who else is there? Teresa. Teresa. I can't believe, I just watched a couple Celebrity Apprentices, like I can't believe she's lasted that long.
Starting point is 00:46:35 She's going to win. Wait, I haven't seen Last Night. I didn't see Last Night either. She's totally going to win. She cannot win. So stupid. She is so stupid. But she hasn't been mean to anybody.
Starting point is 00:46:46 Because she's like intimidated. She hasn't had to spell any words. That's why she's laughing so hard. And she's intimidated by Aubrey O'Day. He has a career. But Aubrey has more Twitter followers than everybody on that show. Okay. Okay, so we don't have that much time left.
Starting point is 00:47:00 So why don't we just get right into Don't Be Fatality for the wedding. Okay. Is this show any good? Do you guys like the show? It's the show with Kim Zolciak planning her wedding. I'm the only one who likes it. I know Ronnie wants to kill himself. I thought it was a snooze fest personally.
Starting point is 00:47:11 It's like, you know, you know when poor people win the lottery and they're like, yeah, I won the lottery and then they're kind of cute to watch but then they end up in a box somewhere. Yeah. There's a glimmer of fun in that. That's how I feel. She's going to be in a box somewhere. There's a glimmer of fun in that. That's how I feel. She's going to be in a box somewhere. Here's the thing. Every now and then, Bravo thinks it's a great idea
Starting point is 00:47:32 to put on a show about planning someone's wedding. I don't tune into Bravo for weddings. I'm sorry. I feel like you go to TLC or Oxygen for weddings. But for me, I tune in for cattiness and wedding stuff. Okay, as bad as the show is, she did pull higher ratings than The Candy Factory, which
Starting point is 00:47:50 Whoa. Did you watch The Candy Factory? That's Candy's American Idol. I would watch that. I wanted to watch that. I know. You're a candy fan. You know why? Because she wrote No Scrubs, and I stand behind that song. She was one of nine And I know there's some people in the audience Nine!
Starting point is 00:48:05 I really like Candy. I really like Candy Burris. Glad we like Candy Burris. I like Candy Burris. Nine people wrote that fucking song. Doesn't matter. It was Candy's genius that took it over the edge. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:16 I love Candy, you know. I'll watch any show she does. Except Candy Factory. I watched it. Here's a question. Getting back to Charity for the Wedding. Do we think that Kim's mom may have an eating disorder? Yes. Of course. Did we see that?
Starting point is 00:48:27 That was not pleasant to look at. Her mom was trying on dresses and it was like skin and bones in a big tulle white whatever. Well what about Kim's youngest kid looking just like the grandpa? Oh. Isn't that creepy? Can we talk about poor Ariana. Poor sweet Ariana.
Starting point is 00:48:44 This girl is an angel. She does everything for her mom. She cries out of joy all the time. And you know what she gets in return? Her mom shoves her into a pool.
Starting point is 00:48:54 Ah, Ariana, you're the fat one. You know, it's cruel. The cameras were rolling. Kim knows what she's doing. She's making good TV. Do we think she will
Starting point is 00:49:01 become corrupted? Do we think that this will? No, the little one? No. Brielle is a different story. She's going to run wild. Brielle is a disaster. Brielle, yeah. The little one's going to be the new Andy Cohn. I hope so. But the other one,
Starting point is 00:49:12 that girl's going to be knocked up, drugged out, dragged around, hair missing, teeth missing. Brielle is going to have a kid... That girl's going to be a mess. Brielle's going to get pregnant at the same time as her mother, I'll tell you that much. What? She's going to get pregnant at the same time as her mother, I'll tell you that much. What? She's going to get pregnant at the same time as her mother? Teen pregnancy.
Starting point is 00:49:27 Her mom's pregnant again, though, already. Yeah, exactly. I'm trying to make a searing social commentary here. Here's the comment I want to make. It's working. It's working. If you have three children and lots of implants, don't be wearing a wedding dress that's showing your boob folds.
Starting point is 00:49:43 How come in her wedding dress, her boob's up here and her skin's down here, and she's like, yeah, tighten it. No, Kim, don't do that. Don't. Stop. Put on a shirt. Hashmina. Hashmina wedding. She's not known for necessarily her most logical decisions in life, you know?
Starting point is 00:49:59 Now, here's another question I have. So she brings in Colin Cowie, who's like, always shows up on every reality show to plan a wedding. He must be a category expert. I have never seen him before. I haven't either. He had a show.
Starting point is 00:50:11 He always is coming on to things. Are you watching TLC? Yeah, and he was on... I thought he was like the Outback guy. He did Rob and Amber's wedding. Oh, well, excuse me. So the fact that you don't know that
Starting point is 00:50:21 shocks me. Shocks me. So anyway, they had this plan where they were going to... I'm in a hurry. It's time to end. Oh, we're going to... So they're going to... Okay.
Starting point is 00:50:28 You know what? It's not even an important point. Because you know what? The show sucks. The show sucks. Who cares? I'm not even going to talk about it anymore. Do we have anything else to talk about?
Starting point is 00:50:36 I don't think so. I'm so sorry. I shit on your Kim story. It's okay. I just watched that show. I couldn't see anywhere it was going to go. No, it's awesome. All I can think about is one boob here and the rest of it.
Starting point is 00:50:48 It was like when you're trying to cook a chicken and you marinate it in some lemon and it starts separating from the bone. I don't like that. I just want to know why. Speaking of, are we going to watch Around the World in 80 Plates? I'm going to watch it, yeah. That was a good segue. I like it. I like Around the World in 80 Plates.
Starting point is 00:51:03 I already have it chopped. I think this looks good. It's like Amazing Race and Food. That's sort of how I'd like to live my life. Season 2? I don't care about Rosie Pope or anything like that. So yeah, I think that's pretty much it. That was the only exciting stuff on Bravo this week, I think.
Starting point is 00:51:19 I think. Do you have anything? I like how the podcast just sort of comes to a stand. I do that at the end of every one. I'm like, that story is stupid. This is over. You do say that. Apathy is set in.
Starting point is 00:51:34 You can only talk about Bravo for so long before you want to shoot yourself in the head, right? So next time we do a live show, that's it. look forward to it everyone here in the audience is crying shuffling out sadly wear bras don't let your fake boobs go over your boob hole
Starting point is 00:51:54 well I want to thank everyone so much for coming out we actually have a crowd here yeah thank you guys so much for being here hopefully we'll get to do this again. And it was really fun. Thank you so much for coming on, Hannah. Yeah, and for having me.
Starting point is 00:52:09 Thank you so much. Location. Location. Location. What were you calling it before? Lopatin. Lopatin. For three years
Starting point is 00:52:15 I've been calling her Lopatin. Soon everyone's gonna know how to pronounce it. Yeah! This podcast is the first step. Not my favorite. Well, thanks for being here.
Starting point is 00:52:24 Thank you, I love you. Thank you, Vanessa. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you., thanks for being here. Thank you, everyone. Thank you, Vanessa. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.

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