Watch What Crappens - PumpRules: Awfully Wedded

Episode Date: March 19, 2020

The moment nobody was waiting for has finally arrived: Jax and Brittany's wedding on Vanderpump Rules! After years of thinking every red flag was a pair of weirdly shaped undies, Brit has committed herself to life with Jason Cauchi, and at this point, we're just in it for the schadenfreude. Meanwhile, back in LA, Dayna learns why it's so important to never confuse Jones Restaurant with Joans On 3rd. Oh, young love — always a kale salad away from destruction. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts! It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off! Voice only! Launching during Pride! Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders Cupi from Tampa Bayes, Just Chaz and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is Watch what crap is Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is What happens

What Guess what happens Hello and welcome to WatcherCrapins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker of the Real Houseware as a kitchen island, and also now I'm a co-host of the Game Brain podcast for all you board gamers out there go check it out and joining me is the wonderful and hilarious man that's Ronnie Caram from the roast Prick's Bachelors podcast what's up Ronnie what's up Ronnie how are you doing on this fine day great you know it's just another day and a pocalyptic Americaocalyptic America. Here we are.

Apocalyptic Earth. Well, you guys, we hope to provide a nice little distraction from all the craziness out there. If case you did not hear earlier this week, we've had to postpone our shows. We have we were supposed to do Salt Lake City tomorrow. Unfortunately, we've had to postpone that Same with all our April shows or Lando and Charleston Madison and Oklahoma City. They're all postponed new dates have not been Claimed just yet, but your tickets will still be honored and if you can't make the new dates

Then you can get a refund at your point of purchase. So we have that going on. We also We just recorded our bonus episode for the week and it's our big Lovis blind special super fun over an hour's worth of discussion about that crazy crazy show. You can access that at patreon.com slash watch where crap ends. We got our merch. We got all that stuff. Today we're talking about it. Well, actually, just to butt in, if you't mind. The bonus episode is also available as a crap and so on demand video. So for those of you who join the video level of Patreon,

you'll have access to like 100 videos or something. So that'll be fed to get you through some of this home time with your children, have a bunch of cursing in the background. Okay. And this is also a crap and on demand episode as well. This also is and because we didn't get to do our salt our Salt Lake City Show tomorrow night We are instead going to do it anyway on Instagram live So that'll be free to everybody just go over to Instagram live. It'll be 6 p.m. Pacific, which is 9 p.m. Eastern

So there's that there's also I wanted to say God bless you Salt Lake City. I hope you're okay. There was an earthquake over there today. Then I mean Jesus this world, you know, so you guys are okay. Love you and support your local businesses people. If anybody out there needs help, needs some shout outs for their local business. Please let us know. Just comment on this post on Insta and we'll look at it. Um, in my family, my family here in Austin runs the Waterloo restaurants, Waterloo ice house. And, uh, like a lot of cities, restaurants have had to close because of this virus. So they did not completely close. They are still open for takeout orders and delivery.

Um, all Waterloo locations are open and offering to go curbside and delivery options. Um, the delivery service is through the favor app and then you can do take out using their online ordering system and that's at Waterlooicehouse.com. So you know support your local businesses help each other out out there in this crazy world. And one last thing you know we we had to make all these crazy announcements on Monday and Tuesday and I think something that we I had wanted to mention And I just sort of got lost because we're talking about like all the screw on a virus stuff

But one of our premium Patreon sponsors Violet Kuchar Sadly passed away at the end of last week. So she is in our Files and thoughts in our prayers. Love you Violet. She was always really such a huge like So she was always so fun so spirited the last time I think we saw her was in Baltimore and you know, we're thinking of her and You know, fuck cancer fuck cancer, and she will always Yeah, she will continue to be on as a premium sponsor for as long as we're doing that Yeah, we love you Violet and as Violet became an angel we gained a new angel on earth miss hot dang it's Jessica dang just had a little baby dang today so congratulations

congratulations mama dang and baby dang I'm a little pissed that your children are not named Ronnie and Ben so yeah I won't tell them about a new mother to go at first off well you're not a new mother what We heard a mother wrote a story. What are you talking about? Of course you will. Of course you will. That's what we do. We'll say go at yourself that I will. It is implied. Well, luckily.

Congratulations to you. We love you. The world is giving us a lot of crazy right now. And we love you guys. Thanks for being our little family out here. The world's. Yeah, exactly. We really do hope that we can distract people for an hour.

So with our name, comments on things. Yeah, all that positivity. Wasn't that lovely? Didn't you like that? Now let's get back to fucking Jackson Brittany. Jackson Brittany. Oh my goodness, this was hard. I watched Miss Saigon yesterday for the first time

ever in my life because one of the fun things about quarantine is that you can watch stuff now. Yeah. So, um, it's so I watched, so Dom and I watched Miss Saigon on Broadway HD. I'd never seen it before. I was, I was like a mess afterwards. I could not believe how sad I was. And I was like, and now I've got to watch Jackson Britney's wedding. Hell no. Oh god. I know which is more tragic. It could not believe how sad I was. And I was like, and now I got to watch Jackson, Britney's wedding. Hell no. Oh, God. I know which is more tragic. One to punch. Exactly. Which is the hardest sunlight and time. But I've got a fortune. I still sing layman. I mean, I sing laym is and miss I gone to Bueller every day. Every day. I have never wanted Saigon to beolar every day. Every day.

I have never wanted a helicopter to descend on a wedding and just like scoop up all the people we like as much as I wanted during last night's show. I just wanted to graph certain elements of the musical into Phantom Pompurels and just save this wedding. Yeah, well, this wedding is kind of that opening number of Miss Saigon, right? It's terrible. It's like, what am I watching?

It's all these guys dancing around to be at mom. And it's like the big, butch army guys. And they're like, the heat is on in Saigon. Yeah. It's like, oh, he is on a Luxemton. Yeah. That's the sweating awkward, hard to watch. But like, it took some planning, you know?

I know. just some strange massive things moving around in like a dark time. Also while we're kind of, you know, just talking about this stuff I'd really love for you and quarantine to watch steel magnolias and the color purple. Please Please color purple I will I will prioritize and then still make it. Okay, I will do that. And I will find some movies that you have to watch. I don't know. Okay. I will.

I don't know if you do it. Also, I feel like you've seen my movie. We should probably talk about this not on the air or whatever you call this, not on the net. But we've always wanted to do a recap of Cats the Movie and streaming to the movie. I just read it by myself. Wow, I smell a bonus episode. Who knows?

We have to, Ben, we have to. Yes, I am all about Cats. Yes, 100% Ronnie. We almost saw that in Alabama, but we didn't. You know. And we thought that it was the big deal. So it's from the nature of that. And remember that, we were like, oh my god, nature's such a batch band, because we got there and it was like

raining and freezing. We couldn't do anything. We couldn't even walk outside. And we're like, god, nature's mean. And then nature was like, ha, ha, ha, ha. You think so? Do we all? You haven't seen anything yet.

Mother nature, you haven't been to mother nature's cabaret hit a corona 3 2 1 Life is me All right, the business not like it's not a corona all right. All right, we are here a sicko for corona, okay? Okay, so here we are finally and don't you love that this wedding happened right during the coronavirus outbreak? I mean that is so funny. That is so Brittany to be like because you know Brittany is like You know exactly you know that they were like it's not fair because this must be a special show and people are like hiding on Let's get their stress back and run around like, it's not fair because this must be a special show and people are like hiding on it's good They're stressed back and running. It's just not fair

It's not fair. It did give me a sick amount of joy watching this If there's you know, yeah, there's any reason if if people feel like Corona is part of a divine plan. I think that divine plan was motivated by these two getting married and just like God being like, no, it's time to do clear, clear house a little bit. Well, you know, so mean. Yeah, but I know what you mean. It's like, because we always say on these shows, when people are like, I prayed about this last night. Well, God does not watch survivors or well, you know what? God apparently does watch Vanderfranprouls. And he's got a sense of humor. All right. So here we go back to Vanderfranprouls.

We've got a lot of the LA cast or the cast it is still in LA, the newbies, the B string, B team, bench, the benches. We've got a lot of them today. And I was just cracking up at the previous or the last week, or previously, with that girl going, I was at Jones the other day. I think it's just so funny, because we've been to Jones a million times, you know? I know, it's, yeah.

So yeah, so it's the day of the wedding. And just as like, for people who did not watch the episode, this episode, this wedding, it's like, being a capture, to 100% captured, the hell that is being the plus one of someone at a wedding that you don't wanna go to. Like if you've ever been dragged along, you've ever been taken to a wedding where you don't really know the people or you may know them,

but you don't care and you would rather be home like watching still magnolias. That's what this episode captured. The feeling of just being stuck at an over long event that was never over. Yeah, we were all Carter today in this way. Yeah, we were all Carter. He was the day of the wedding. The opening song is just disgusting, okay? Like they put Trixi Monaco in a trunk and let like the new girl that's like trying to compete with Trixi take over. And it's just so gross. Up above the sun, I thought I heard you calling my name.

Everything is different, but like moves back my thin has changed. Oh, shut up. What is this about fucking Jesus? You know, it's like one of those songs we were talking about on Love Is Blind. Like, is this Christian pop or is this intellectual stuff? What is happening? Exactly. And we're seeing footage of like a weather vein

and, you know, flowers. Like, oh, this is, it's like, are we in like Chippen, Joanna's wet dream right now? It was very annoying. And so they're all like, the staff is putting flowers in place and Brittany is looking over her vows. And she's like, I've always dreamed of the perfect way and he ever since I was a little girl.

Really Brittany, I never knew that. Really, thank you for finally enlightening me about that. I had no idea. I had no idea that you've always dreamed about how it getting married. Thanks memories, we're never gonna be able to take back. What does that even mean?

These memories were not if you're gonna be able to take it back. So basically your memories are not jacked. It's all being thought for real. I'm fucking faith in front of an old lady old lady like can't take it back. Yeah She's like it's gonna be the most perfect I have as except for the fact that you're shooting in a trash castle by the side of the highway But when I'm no kidding worth checking cheese like that's the only thing missing from the

But Brittany keeps doing her wide open Julia Roberts mouth and we were just talking about this again on Love is Blind But these shows really intersected a lot today Britney the whole show is like Her mouth is like wide open like leading with her teeth, you know her head thrown back in the air like she's Julia Roberts Just laughing in Mr. Pizza about, you know crazy frivolous things And sometimes I sometimes I feel like a shit person because she is so happy. This is her dream come true. She is so so happy. And this is her special day. And who are we to shit on her for having for being happy. But the answer is who are we to do that? Us. We are. That's what we do. That's what we do.

Yeah, that's what we do. But also, yeah, is she really happy? Is she? She's marrying a guy who's cheated on her a million times, has made her look like a fucking moron. Still probably does it. Like we all see how Jackson's on Twitter. It's not like he's some nice charming guy. He's really changed. I mean on Twitter people are like, how could you do that Jackson? Like fuck you ugly. I saw your profile picture. You're fat and you're ugly bitch. So yeah, and then like, I'm Prince charming there. And she's forced all her friends to spend thousands of dollars, thousands of dollars on this wedding. And like, yes, even though later, Jack's is like, I've been a hundred thousand dollars for this wedding, which I'm not even sure if I believe or not.

It's just like, it's a big, it's been a big long annoying parade of events. And also how pretty it is, Jack's to to say it like he keeps going to everybody saying I've spent a hundred grand on this wedding That is nothing a hundred grams on a wedding is nothing for a wedding, okay? It's also weird the money go. Why don't see it? Yeah, the Tito's Yeah, which is that's a good spend, but um, okay, so let's get on with this wedding So Katie is talking to the wedding gay planner, the planner wedding gay.

Yeah, I'm just gonna call him wedding gay. And she's like, hi, Mitchell. It's like, oh, guys, come on. Yeah, Mitchell. You're not calling him Mitchell. Is that his name, Mitchell or Mitchell? I thought his name was Mitchell, but I don't know. I didn't hear her say, Mitchell, but I would not be surprised

because she said that. Maybe she said it as a joke. Who knows? But she's talking to him, Mitchell, about trying to keep Brittany from Jackson. They don't see each other and then Lance Bass walks in and Katie is all excited. And she goes, you know what? Like everyone in middle school, like, claimed their member of in sync and I claimed Lance. Now, I'm not trying to shade Lance Bass here. I have truly nothing against Lance. He seems actually like a very nice person. But I just have never heard of anyone claiming Lance Bass as their member of in sync.

I felt like it was always like Justin. It was Justin, JC. Yeah, Lance has always been the weird one who was obsessed with going to the moon. I mean, yeah. It was like, it was like Justin and JC. Remember, every, like there was a Lance there was a donut shop for the fuck. Yeah, you know, yeah, he wants he yeah, I just feel like it was just basically just the

two of the maybe there was a Chris Kropatric at least until Eminem like made Chris Kropatric like shame to him on his song or like maybe Joe. No, I just never heard of anyone. I just thought it was the fuck now. Now, now, except for the fairly Mary Lance. Yeah, you wanted to Mary Lance because he had a donut shop and like he wanted to go to space. And those are, that's fun to spend your life with.

But yeah, Katie's a liar. And she's like, I would lick his poster mostly because it was on the fridge and my mom locked it so I couldn't get to the ranch. But, so then, Jackson's like, oh, it's much as like drink last night. My body's really working overtime. To get it going today. I was like, yeah, I'll bet your body's working overtime. You know, just like a beater speeding off outside, you know, like shooting guns in the air.

He's like, it's like my escaping the scene. He's like, it's like my body knows how much I've spent on this wedding. So he's literally going through the wedding merely because he's paid for it. It's called the song Cost Falsy Jacks. So anyway, that's really the best metaphor for their relationship. So now people are showing up like Sherry is there and MIMO! And Stasi and Katie have been steaming Britney's wedding dress. They're just sitting there steaming the tool.

And Sassy's like, I feel like we've been steaming this dress for an hour and 47 minutes. We could have watched the notebook in entirety. I'm like, that's how long it's gonna take to watch this episode, by the way, an hour and 47 minutes. I know, and it's even more tragic. Yeah, Lala's like, Mama, I'm gonna do makeup on your

tits. All right. Lala helps Mama out with her makeup. And she's like, don't worry. I won't go crazy. You're not gonna walk out of here looking like me, Mama. Don't worry, bitch. Mama's like, Mama, look like you. I'll be happy on me. So then we go over to Kristen and Shina and they're just like hanging out and Kristen's like Bernie isn't like such a good mood seriously seriously but Katie's energy fucking blows Cacao Cacao I'm on my money on it. I want my money on it like starting in Kaniy

I'm gonna definitely say something shit. I'm a carter. Okay. It's the anyway. And... He was trying to get a hold of me and asked me what time it was supposed to come. Whatever. I was like, I'm supposed to be with the girls, but I'm trying to do this to myself. What am I supposed to do? Not like right back when he texted me. Yeah, he's like, yeah.

And she goes, he's literally right there and just see Parker, like just below the turret that they're standing in, just looking lost in the parking lot. Yeah, Carter is like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm going to a fast, good restaurant. Yeah, Carter's got like a hanger. He's undoing like an extra card

and like jack open the windows so he can still a piece of gum out of a fucking front seat, you know. So cool. So cool. Kristen's teasing was, fuck, every time I see Carter, I wish that we could have worked. It's just really fucking sad.

I'm like, well, then stop seeing him. Don't invite him to this wedding. Jack literally disinvited him and he's still brought him along. Stopping such a whisk, Kristen, you obviously like Carter. Just be with Carter. Fuck your friends.

I don't like you anyway. Okay, you're not going to win. Just be with Carter and tell him to get over it. You're just being mean to Carter now. Don't make me stand up to Carter, okay? You brought me to be with him or don't be with him. But don't say you're not gonna be with him and then like find excuses to have him hang,

like deliver a box of sex toys or come to the wedding because like he just deserves to be here seriously. Seriously. Yeah, and then she hugs him, like he comes up, he's like, hey, go ahead like he just deserves to be here seriously seriously yeah and then she hugs him like he comes up he's like hey glages can about 20 dollars and she's like oh she like gives him this hug hug but it's like really sad where she's like oh oh it's sad the way we were and she and it's like ah because a hug never stops. It's like this really unhappy hug. And she was like, ah, I'm gonna get braids. I'm gonna get braids.

They like don't acknowledge her. She's like, I'm gonna get braids. Does anyone want some famous enchiladas? So my famous enchiladas, because I'm gonna make some more like get braids. I'm getting braids. Oh, I heard she didn't Instagram live, teaching us how to make her famous

Xena Bonina and Shalada Dinas. She did. She did watch all the way through I wish I had because I would actually love some of her And Shaladas right now. That's great quarantine comfort food Didn't watch it like us is pace Picony sauce and the jar some corn tortillas Some bag cheese and you throw in the oven. Okay Spoiler alert. Perfect. I'm into it. So I would not have known that. I would not have known it. So meanwhile Tom Sandivall has a,

he made a dried shirt for, I made, he dried a shirt for Jax and he has a tampon ready for a bra. I don't know why I wrote this down. I was like, here things that happened. Tom has a tampon ready for a part. I don't know why I wrote this down. I was like, here are things that happened. Tom has a tampon ready for a girl. I don't know what I make that. There was a time, bro, where I wasn't even supposed

to be sweating, but I'm glad when people get their periods because you need your best, best man. Brow. Dude. And then Santa Valkyrie passes on the tampon. He's like, and Eerie am, here's your white claw. He just has everything. He's basically a butler.

He should be a butler. Commissions, here comes one right now. Celebrity beef, you never know if you're just going to end up on TMZ or trending on Twitter or in court. I'm Matt Bellasife. And I'm Sydney Battle, and we're the host of Wonder E's new podcast, Disantel. Each episode explores a different iconic celebrity feud, from the buildup, why it happened, and the repercussions. What deserves session with these feuds say about us?

We're starting off with a pretty messy love triangle between Selena Gomez and Justin and Haley Bieber, a seemingly innocent TikTok of Selena talking about her laminated eyebrows. It snowballed into a full-blown alleged feud. But it doesn't seem like fans are letting up anytime soon. Despite both Selena and the Bieber's making public statements denying any bad blood. How much of this is teen jealousy and lovers quarreling, and how much of it is a carefully crafted narrative designed to sell albums? Follow this and tell wherever you get your podcasts.

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Shannon out of a cannon Anthony. Incredible edible Matthews sisters. Mina Kuchikuji! And, she ain't no shrinking violet kuchar! We love you guys! Yeah, so next up, uh, Jax. Oh, Jax is short. He's like, so hey, how you feeling?

Like, I feel good right now. Like, you know what? Does my dad's favorite meal so hey, how you feeling? Like, I feel good right now. Like, you know what? Does my dad's favorite meal, so I'm eating it? Coke, French fries, and Coke, like, space. Yeah, Coke, French fries and Coke. Yeah. Yeah. So people are showing up.

The groom's men have all gathered. And Peter has like a little fan, because I guess is boiling hot, and he's blowing this fan in his hair. So his like, his, his like, flat iron hair, just like blowing in the wind. It his like, his, his like flat iron hair, just like blowing in the wind. It's like peak Peter at that moment. You know, he does take being groomed from very seriously,

although he's really been shown up by Tom, I have to say. Yeah, and then Randall and Bo were in bed together. And is that right? Yeah, there's this like, yeah, there was this like very kind of like stage. I'm like, wait a minute. Hey, where's Randall? And then we cut to Randall and Bo and they're like lying in bed talking about movies

and Randall's going on about like the sixth sense. Oh man, the sixth sense, that really scared me so much. I nearly gizzed in my pants when I saw it. Hey, right? Where's Lava? Where's Lava? Lava still comes home and she's like, I see big guys. Nah, With me.

Yeah. Uh, but both starts in office. I see fried chicken. Yeah. I. Y'all want a little. The only joyous man's head off one time. He came into a casting.

I was like, I see fried chicken. Sorry, kid. Uh, sorry. I'm going to reboot that movie. And this time I'm going to have the little kid go up to the bed. He's going to look under the bed instead of me. She bought it. It's it's just gonna be a big piece of fried chicken puking up more fried chicken. Oh god I forgot that was me should Barton under that bad how dare you forget Break through performance of the 90s or donnie

What's his donnie? Donnie. Yeah, I almost said donnie. I was meant to yeah donnie Walberg So both like anything with Reese will in it, I'm gonna watch. Yeah, like on a Bruce Willis thing. So Lala comes in and she's like, Randall, what are you doing, Randall? Like every groom's man is downstairs. I am mortified, Randall. Finally, I wonder how long it would take before she got more to fight that more about Randall At this point I love Randall like at this point. I love Randall. I'm mortified for Randall

It's funny how things changed, you know I'm like yeah, I mean he has been sort of like a jolly elf coming in Yeah, like I love Randall. I want to date Randall. Okay, I don't know that I want to take it that far, but yeah, I really like Randall. You could do better. I'll tell you that, sir. Did you see Lala's Instagram,

her corona Instagram? Oh my God. Oh God, I'm only imagining what she said. I know I saw that she had to apologize for something. She, yeah, she always does every time she goes on there. But she's like, oh my god, like I just cannot see God giving me Karama. Like it was just it was very long. No, the whole thing is very Lala. She's like, he would not do that to me. So anyway, Vanessa, what's her face?

From high school musical. I forgot her last name. Vanessa. She basically got on Instagram just. Huggins, yeah. She says, guys, well, I mean, it sucks, but like, you know, people are going to die and that's it. Like, people are going to die.

I'm like, oh, well. I was like, OK, read the room. Yeah, she's like, whatever, go outside. I mean, guess what? So it's gonna kill some old people. Guess what? We're all gonna die anyway. I probably shouldn't be recording this right now, right? Bravo's like, is she available for next season

of Vanderpump Rules? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's exactly what we need. So Vanderpump comes in and Lance is like, well, I'm the minister, so we need to practice. Will you do impersonations? And she's like, okay, already that's how it's darling. I'm just gonna love Jack's forever.

Whenever I dreamt of being in this castle, my whole life. I'm wearing underwear to a job interview. And I'm wearing a man who cheated on all me and store things up my mouth Steve Damn Lisa was pretty good Yeah, it was I forget what you said about Jackson, but then she did like a Jackson personation that was like I'm good you don't earn You know, I'm gonna steal still booze from Lisa van opomp and never get my shit together You know, I'm gonna steal still booze from Lisa van opomp and never get my shit together

Something more like yeah, I also liked when shoes like Lisa was talking to Lance She goes oh This brings back memories to me being inefficient. Oh, it's a lot of pressure. Oh you scared Lance bass Oh you in fact a broken bird at this moment. Please say yes, please fact a broken bird at this moment, please say yes, please. Wow. So we get to see the closeups of people at this at this wedding. You know, I think that before you before you marry somebody, you should get to see who their invites are for their guest list to make sure you really want to marry this person.

Okay. We've got Larry Burkhead who looks just terrified of that. How did Larry Burkhead get? Of course. Of course. Probably modeled for the Sears catalog back in the day. Yeah. Shep. Super super classy, super classy list. We didn't see Steven there from Summer House. I know he was there. I thought that was interesting that they never showed one little little even snippet of little Steven with hell bravo. I know that's surprising. Matt brought us all later on. Jeremiah Bell who is a former football player for the Jets Jets Jets Jets.

But yeah, you're like I'm just gonna hear like I don't know what these words mean. So, I basically like Lisa Vanderpump in this moment. She's like, hello, person I've never met before. What have you to say to me? Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, guests are showing up. And Tom Schwartz is doing a class of Tom Schwartz thing, which is like, oh man, what if I lose the rings? I'm so scared, I'm a little boy who can't control things.

Oh, how do I hold onto one small thing? Oh. I'm sorry, but if I fuck that ring, I don't remember it, Bid, Bid, Bid, Bid. And then Brittany's like, I'm gonna practice walking! I'm practicing! I'm practicing! It's so funny, I'm so used to getting walked on. It's where when I get to do the walkin'

So so Jack's is nervous and he's like he's talking to Lisa and he's like oh man I'm just so nervous like like I can't even believe my mom didn't even text my my godmother Nothing that just hurts my feelings. Jacks. You didn't invite your mom to the wedding You are the one who is wrong here. Don't try to make don't try to play the victim When your mom didn't text her godmother and she's like and if she did text your godmother You know you'd be saying why can't she let me have my space? She's always trying to get up in my business So shut up jacks my mom. Yeah, I guess what you're not getting pity for this one. You asshole. I can't believe he didn't get his mother And then you're gonna complain that she didn't get in touch with you

I mean and he probably the type like but she's the mother, but she's the mother. Yeah, that's who yeah He sucks. So then Randall is talking to the Tom's and he's telling short He's like I just want to make this clear. I said an hour and an hour before he get ready Tell me cuz I'll come with you Everything tell me, come on! What a surprise, Tom Schwartz, once again messed up the simplest of tasks. He's like, no!

He was negligence, ah, blah blah, sorry, blah blah. Pure negligence, blah blah. It's 96 degrees, you know, my God, these two. Who does that? He has a wedding in Kentucky in this? What is wrong with you? Why would you do that to people? It was heartful watching this. It was probably warmer, but Lance Bass was probably like you were not allowed to say 98 degrees when I am officiating a wedding, okay? This is my boy band moment

So, yeah, I know seriously 96 degrees. Why do they have a wedding in Kentucky in the middle of summer when it's just like, I imagine that's probably, it's the south, right? That's like hot times there. Like what? What? And everyone's still in full suits and everything. And then four-

I can't wait to be seen. Yeah, Carter, it's like, are there seats? Like, can I just steal this one? Can I sit here? It's exactly, so everyone's dying. Everyone's melting and Brittany's just taking Are there seats like can I just steal this one? Can I sit here? Exactly, so everyone's dying, everyone's melting and Brittany's just taking your time up there. She's like not even dressed like could we sign my tool a little bit longer? I want to see the train. Hey, steam trains. That's a thing right? Yeah. Yeah, and then Jackson's got another seas lamp and she's like, Oh, hi, you're so you're Lance, nice to meet you.

And she walks Jacks down the aisle and they put dads up before she walks in a seat. Before they walk down. Right, like a little tiny hot tub. It's an odd shaped, a girl-dob hot tub. It's an oddly shaped urn, I'm not gonna lie. It definitely looks like it's supposed to hold cigars.

So, but before they walk down the aisle the jacks and Jackson Lancer in a room and then Mitchell comes in and goes Come on, let's go. Let's go. I was like, oh, I love when the wedding plan gets huffy. I love when Mitchell becomes Mitchell Yeah, so yeah, so then jacks is he's walked down the aisle and then Brittany comes down the staircase and sees her dad He's like oh my hand you look so handsome Are you ready to mock me down the aisle? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

And yeah, are you ready? And the song that's playing spin and like a top round and round to go Sliding down a highway with a headlight on the road me and the morning I could wake up at home Finally shake the pain the fuck kind of song of that And Jack's while this song is playing is like my dad is really proud of me right now I finally Became the son he raised. I was like, okay. It's gonna be five minutes till you're fucking hookers in the back of a hooters And I love that the previews for coming up this season. Jack's is like what have I done?

Jason is gone. Jack's is back. So bring me a strong calling people fat muggly on Twitter I'm sure your dad's up there with Twitter. Like, you go get him, son. You tell that housewife in Arkansas, what you think about her fat ass. And bring you like, I thought I'll be a little nervous, but I don't feel that way.

Oh, I just can't wait to walk down the island and see him for the first time. And ruin my life officially. I've been waiting for this. for the first time and ruined my life officially. I've been waiting for this, those little girls. At least so they walked down the aisle and Vanderprom was like, ooh, Jacks is a truly different person. So vulnerable, so sincere. I like this one, I'm going, where's my purse. Has anyone seen my purse darling?

Oh, I found it in this planter magic. So Britney is like she knows like I have channels and Tom Sandivall gives he gives Jacks a little hanky so he can cry into it. And Kristen's like, I have never seen her look so happy ever. I'm like, she looks like this every time she opens up

a box of Cheerios for crying out loud. I don't even know how big it is. And Ariana tells she knows she's like, hold your flowers down so I can see your tits. I'm just like, yeah, I've always done tits out. And then there's this overhead drone shot of the ceremony. But it's supposed to be this beautiful ceremony, but you see cars driving by behind the castle. You just see these pickup trucks going by.

And you just see this stupid castle wall that looks like it's like made of paper mache. It's all like stained, has like, what are things, just sort of like gross, shitties and or block, faux castle wall, medieval times. I'm just like, this is the worst castle of all times. And the fact that you can just, you know, a lot of times I feel like with wedding destinations, you want to feel like you're in some special remote place. Ideally, especially if it's you're dropping 100K, I think not everyone has a luxury to have that sort of feeling. But I think if you're dropping 100K to be in a castle,

you wanna be transported away into this fantasy wonderland. And to have this like shitty castle with cars driving by, on the road road like in the same circle okay they got engaged on a freeway and they got married on a freeway they're gonna drop their first fucking baby on a freeway okay they love freeways I don't know what it is they probably go home and watch the movie freeway with Reese Witherspoon they love a freeway they should have danced to

So time for vows guys, that's it's like here we are Britney's dumb as fucking jacks is a beast like beauty in the beast talking place would be smarter than anyone here. I... Jaisen, I've been absolutely crazy about you since the first day we met. You are my best friend, my love, and my whole world. And even though we can be very different at times and that I can be faithful and you can't be, we bounce each other out, then you make me feel whole, like a whole idiot who stands behind your side when you cheat on me. I feel like you love me as much as you love a whole in a wall in a truck stop.

We love the same things, we like him, we like Monroe. We like hooters and watching preams. Like you forgot cheetahs, okay? We love the jolly green giant because he makes such delicious dinners for us. We love nails because they keep our table together We also we love them. We love, we love door knobs without door knobs. We wouldn't be able to open and close our doors. So for that, we are thankful and we both love those. And then I knew this would trigger you. I love you, honey.

You're my lobster. Didn't she hate that movie? I do hear you. I hate that. Probably I love that.. I hate that movie. I love that, too. Yeah. Trick her to me on so many different levels.

Yeah, she's like, I can't wait to see you as my husband. And I already know you will make the most incredible. Not very present father. I love you. I can't wait to the first time I say stop slapping our kids with the newspapers. Not funny. I can't wait to our very first Christmas when I can say, rawn the hell, Jacks, I can't believe you cheated on me last night.

He's like, I get really nervous. Alright, Britt. You made me so happy. Not only because you like friends, but because you walked after me years ago with bad extensions and a thong, and you said, I work at Hooters, and I'm gonna be on your TV show,

and I was like, I'm fucking her in the bathroom tonight. And then I did. I have never in my life met a more positive, caring, giving woman who literally smiles all day long, even when I cheat on her wow wow I Wow, what a special what a special honor to marry someone like that I mean how could you not want to be with this woman? I mean I know because I have cheated on her so I know how you could not want to be with her

But truly still how could you not want to be with this woman? And so Lance is like who has the rings? Uh-oh, dude Tom Schwartz, forget the rings. He's like, oh, what? They were in this pocket. No, they were in this pocket. No, they were in that pocket. Uh-oh. I almost lost it for a second, but then I found it. Whoa. It's so weird having him and Shep in the same show because it's so similar Yeah, but Gorsh Gorsh

So yeah, so they get the rings and She's like Yeah, he's like okay okay, repeat after me. I Jason take you, Brittany, to be my punching bag, Roomba, scab bandager for as long as the season lasts. Okay. Yeah. And then basically they exchange the rings and she's like,

no, that's never coming off. I'm like, you know, who else had that amber on Love is Blind? Guess what? Have fun at the divorce and non meetings So I'll make it a thing dear John Yeah, they're gonna do reboot of dear John. It's just gonna be Brittany and Amber. I don't know what else is gonna be there gonna be Brittany and Amber. I don't know what else is gonna be there. So I'm just my privilege to present Mr. and Mrs. Gouchy and Brittany's like, oh, hi, everybody. I'm strapped.

Even practices, baby. Jesus. So back to the B string in LA, let's go to Sir and see what's happening. It's Brad at a table being his phone charming as it can. He was like, I stopped eating red meat first. God, it's good to have a fellow vegan in the area. I was like, oh yeah, there were real short vegans in West Hollywood. Brad. Yeah, no vegans anywhere. None. So then Monica and so there's a woman named Monica but have we met Monica before I'm not sure. We saw her once at the beginning she's a manager. Yeah we're getting a lot of new faces this season. So Monica and Charlie are looking at the wedding happening on IG and they're just like watching it and Charlie's like oh she's like you know how I want to just get married at like a

drive-through chapel. What I want to do my dream is to get wasted One night and just go through the drive-through chapel. That's my ideal wedding And like you know what that would be my dream wedding for this show also make it quick make it snappy One segment in one episode and it's done Yeah, I'm not because like wow those are some big dreams you fucking twit So then over at Tom Tom Max is talking to Logan. He's like, a garnish for you. Like he's always saying everything like he's about to get caught for murder. Like the cops are surrounding you. Tasty's like, a garnish for you. A garnish for you. So

yeah, then you start something. You're face during this Difficult time I can't stop. I just want to leave my example Ronnie. No Stop Stop it. You by example So me and I'll touch my face like five times so it's Max is talking to Melissa and she's like so I've heard there's some drama with you and Dana So I've heard there's some drama with you and Dana Care to care to share or penny for your thoughts. Well, I'm Melissa. So Max is like yeah It's just like it's so hard because Dana was like the first girl I was down to be serious with and then after three people three days people were trying to break us apart

It's just so hard and it's, I heard you had a total other relationship. So, and he's like, uh, not true. Not true. That was like 100% not even true. She's like, uh, keep it together, boy. Okay. Like she's, she's like the new Kristen, I think. And he's like, uh, you know what? I'm just like going to focus on work because like, uh, I don't have to deal with this shit.

It's like heartbreak. Okay. And she's like, what? All right. And he goes, by the way, you're four-minute sight and you're talking to okay? And she's like, what, all right. And he goes, by the way, you're four minute sight and you're talking to me. She goes, yeah, what up, sis? I'm always late. I was like, burnt on the wrong, on the wrong.

I said, what is the sitcom moment? That was my transition. My sitcom transition music. So now, back at the wedding reception. So Lance Bass is MC and he's, in my mind mind I'm like, why are we watching this right now? Like the wedding is over. Like why do we have to keep watching this? But Lance Bass is like everyone,

welcome the future tragedy, Brittany and Jack's Taylor. And they come me and like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Mm. Oh. So then Vanderpump is talking to Katie and getting on their ass about not filing their paperwork. So how could you? And then drinks with the girls. OK, so Danica, Danica, I love this scene. So Danica, I'm going to start with Raquel and Dana,

because they're all, you know, have to be friends now. And it's so funny watching them awkwardly try to like become friends, you know, because they're all so different. And Danika is telling Raquel, she's like, Oh my God, I totally want that bear. So bad. Like I have to blow later, but I want it. You have to blow it. I have to rewind that three times.

So it's like, what? Yeah, she's and she's like, yeah, I've got, I can't drink, because I have to breathe into a breathalyzer. So like, I gotta do why. And like, when I got my do why, I like jam packed, like, five people into my car, so we go to a party in the hills, and then I got pulled over.

I was like, why did you make it sound like so? Like, normally people, like, yeah, yeah, mostly, but like, I gotta do why, it's the most mortifying moment of my life and I really changed my life into better, but she's like, so I never got to the party. Oh. Oh.

And now I have to blow into this device and then they show her in her car, like blowing her device, she's like, and it's just past and she's like, woohoo! She likes to now, after blowing into this brothelizer before I'm driving and then like 15 minutes, every 15 minutes while I'm driving it's

Some by saying like wow you made this said this is a funnest drunken drunk driving story I've ever heard also you're complete fucking trash ram and perfect for this show so good Yeah, why is she not a full-time cast member? She like already had a violent episode with Brent Willis. And she has this DIY situation. I mean, and she's obviously also driving or at least trying to drive so much of the drama. I don't know why she's not full-time. I thought she's working for it. That's for sure. She's such like a dead-eyed fish. But you know what, she's putting... She has like, she's talking and's got a kind of expression in her voice, but her eyes are just like You know, there's like nothing there and so Raquel is like well you guys speaking off for Kels like you guys

I told I know that things happen and not easy with me and James But I told him that I can't me and then I am learn and he't get anything out of her. I'm only giving him one more chance. Yeah, so like we support you girl. Get rid of that. Fuck her. Pretty much. And then they move on to the main event, Dana and Max. And so they're like, so what's going on with you and Max? And she's like, well, I think I may have misjudged Max. So I thought they were going to Jones, the intimate Italian restaurant, but it turns out they were going to Jones a salad place because basically here in L.A. there's Jones spelled J-O-N-E-S, which is a bar restaurant Italian. And then there's a place called Jones on third. Yeah. And then there's a place called Jones on third. Yeah.

And then there's a place called Jones on third, which is where you go, it's like salads and gourmet stuff. And it is like that. Like you do go, like people go there and yoga pants and stuff. So apparently. I have a $10 for your $10 side of Brussels sprouts that you go to Jones on third, okay.

And it's delicious. It's delicious. It's delicious. I haven't been there in so long, it occurred to me. But yeah, so apparently this is like a classic screw ball comedy mishap. Max went to Jones on third, not to Jones on for most of. But that's so sad that you even consider that.

Like, oh my god, I thought he was taking out of this really fancy romantic restaurant. Jones is not a really fancy romantic restaurant like in what world? I mean it's nice. Well it's at night and it's dark. It's hard to go meet friends and stuff. It is dark. Yeah it is dark. But also it wasn't the room, wasn't that that girl who told her this, wasn't it that they that she saw Max like getting close and intimate with, with this girl. So like it doesn't, it sort of doesn't matter which Jones it was in, you know, and that's

why Danica's like, um, it doesn't matter where they were, what they were eating. It's like whether you go to the salads place, the salad place or the romantic restaurant, it like, it doesn't matter. Like, it just means like, it doesn't mean that he wasn't cheating on you. It just means he was at a different stage at the cheating. Okay, it just means that like, they fucked last night and now they're getting their brunch afterwards. Yeah.

They do one of the pump like diagrams or she's like, okay. So maybe they like were in the fancy restaurant, then they fought and then they had like pancakes next morning. Like, how is that different? Yeah. I was like, see, this is why she should be a full-time cast member. She got her own cartoon and that she's still not full-time. Yeah, and she still misuses English

like a Vanderpromp Rules person. Like she goes, I mean, it doesn't really defeat the purpose of who this person is. I was like, I don't know what that means, but your English, like your perf, you were built for this show. Maybe you're like a robot that was built for this show. So, Dana's like, but the thing is,

is like, when that happened, like, we weren't exclusive. So, and she's like, um, and you don't think by any chance, like, he was all leading you on, like, he let my friend on, and like, my other friends on. and like my other friends on. So like no. And so Tana could get like so a defense. She's like, but you're not going back to him, right? Like Tana could's got a lot the invested in going after Max.

Which I appreciate. And Dana's like, no, I am interested and I wanna start over. And Tana could's like, he just has this like bouquet of red flags and like girls are running all over west Hollywood picking them out picking them out of his shit bouquet. Dana tells us um I think that girls like a little judgy for somebody who has to grow into a blow into a breathalyzer before she drives her car.

I was like I love this like a name fight that they're having right now. It's so good. They're both things so juggie to each other. Yeah. And so is Danica leaves. She's like, I'm got to get to serve her. Got some people to yell at and Dan is like, breath of my safe. I know you got this girl.

I love that for her. It's so bitchy. Like I would much rather watch this in this stupid wedding back in my time. Yeah, I agree. I was reading on Facebook. People were like, I hate this new cast. I can't, I just fast forward to their scenes. It was like, really? Cause it was the best part of the show for me. I was like, there's scenes of the most entertaining. Yeah, I've enjoyed all their scenes all season long. I've literally had no problem with the new cast members.

I think if anything, they're getting the shaft because I wonder if they had to re-edit stuff because of the controversy earlier in the season. And then on top of that, because there's all this wedding stuff where really the whole cast just like left without them, I think that also messed up the dynamic because we need the old cast and the new cast to be interacting to make them feel

like they're more part of the show so I think they're kind of getting seems like they're trying to do it seems like they're trying to give the main cast an ending right it seems like they're trying to give them an ending and get rid of them I mean how can you have two different shows like this is bizarre and it looks like it's gonna keep going for the rest of the season so yeah I actually think it's oddly enough I think it's it's working better than I would expect. I think that the show feels,

even though there are these like two casts, I think it's working much better than I would have thought it would have. So now back to the Kentucky castle. It's time for speeches and a prayer. So they, like the dad makes a prayer and everything and then we just hear Brittany go, I'm man!

To the crowd. And these are his thoughts. I'm so for course. Oh, so I should have to say Jackson Brit. Oh, gosh. You guys got married. I almost cried. Almost.

I thought you guys were being facetious with this ridiculous situation. Garsh. Jack's like, I like him. We really get along. He likes to be funny. He likes to be a center of attention. He's a womanizer.

We have a little bit in common. I'm like, yeah. Who bought? So, Arianna is telling Katie she looks at her sound she's like is that ranch or blue cheese? Katie's like how do you ask me that? It's ranch. Okay, so then Logan gets Carter.

Am I in the right place? Did I lose you? Yeah, you are. No, you are totally correct. Okay, so Logan gets Carter. James is Logan punched in the face. Yeah, the original Logan. Yeah, yeah Classic. He's like he's like so how come you're not with Chris damn Yeah, the car was like like me I

Know And Carter's like beats me. I mean, I haven't had sex with anyone but Kristen for four years So I don't know why I'm not sitting with her. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. And basically that person's ignoring. Oh, yeah. Okay. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Ben Well, because now I'm just gonna say that Kristen is basically spending all her time away from Carter And she's basically with the other girls over with Jackson Brittany and she's just not with him and Jacks is like you know, Kristen fought so hard to have Carter at my wedding and then she's like, not even near him. I mean, like, what's the point? Like, I spend a lot

of money on him basically. He basis like, I could have invited someone else. Yeah, I can save that money because he's so cheap. And Logan's like, where are you staying tonight? And Carter says, I'm just going with the flow. If I end up in Kristen's bed, what happens happens? I'm like, I'm going to go, enter a stack. It's not. It's not.

It's actually objectively not interesting. And also Carter is, like, we talk all the shit, like about Kristen, if you want to be with him, be with him, whatever, whatever. But like, also Carter is a leech. I'm sorry, he is a freeloader, he should have some dignity in that Jack's literally told him you're not invited to the wedding and he still came anyway as Kristen's guest. I mean, that's just pathetic. I'm sorry. Agreed. So then Stasi and Bo, Stasi's like, oh my god, I love everything about this wedding right now. Oh my god,

he's like, you know god, I love everything about that sweating right now. Oh my god. He's like, you know what? I love the most air conditioning. Okay. That's the best thing that happened to this fucking wedding. Who does this? Yeah, they basically like we're gonna have a wedding in the fall and No children and no one's gonna sweat and it's gonna be fun. Yeah So then speech as speech as so Schwartz gets up and gives a speech and it just It's more effort than he put into his vows, okay? Yeah, I even have vows until like five seconds before his wedding and he showed up to his own wedding smelling like a river rat You know

Seriously and with the goatee and Schwartz's speech is the is the sort of wedding speech that we've all had to sit through the long Drunken ramble that just goes on and on and on and on and so first of all he starts off well He's getting laughs. He calls Jack's Jack's mother fucking Taylor and then we see Sherry and bring his dad sort of like Scowl a little bit at the curs car saying who could who can have I can't believe they can be cursing at this wedding. And then I don't know which one of your pro which one of your four husbands cursed the least Sherry. She's so judgey, you know, she's like so judgey makes me crazy. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, Jackson mother fucking Taylor who's ripped, who's gorgeous. He's shit with the door open, he had no shame. He'd come home wasted banging chicks on the bathroom.

And they'd fucking smoke and dump, doing coke off hookers. Ass is geographic. No, no. No. He's just like giving up every jacks. I mean, we've already heard it all, but he's like giving up jacks to this whole crowd. And then it just keeps going on. Going for like 17 minutes going on and on and on. And people like Tom Tandoval's patting him on the shoulder to be like, okay,

dude, that's enough out of you dude. All right. Do do. No, okay. Everyone's just like yawning. Yeah. Sleep. And then they start dancing Jackson Britain. Oh the father daughter dance So it's like Like the slow dance and then they show the editors are so mean to she know they show she not behind Peter like During a fast dance like she is just a idiot during a fast dance like she is just a idiot. Not another thing in the world. So then Lala is sad because she is the father dad dance and she lost her father. So she's crying and Randall's so cute.

What do we have like Randall? I think that I like Randall. I don't know. I didn't see it coming. He was, yeah, he was being nice. He was being like, I love you. He's like, oh, I thought I was talking to a piece of chicken. So whenever I get mad at you honey, I just you. He's like, oh, I thought I was talking to a piece of chicken. So, uh. Whenever I get mad at you, honey, I just think Misha Baudin. And then I'm in a back in. Misha Baudin has played my piece of fried chicken.

Oh, fried chicken, she's like Randall. That's a silverware read. Ah, there I see fried chicken. Ah, Lala, I'm sorry, I got to find your way back to Los Angeles. I gave your seed up on the PJ for a piece of fried chicken. Stupid. So then they're getting and Brittany's like, what? We know.

Can you believe we're doing this right now? It's like, yes, we can because we've been enduring it for five fucking hours. Feels like. Okay, so she's in the carter or outside and Carter's like, you look like you're Yes, we can because we've been enduring it for five fucking hours feels like Okay, so she's in the Carter outside and Carter's like you look beautiful. Oh, thank you look topper I'm having a best time I've heard about my allergies my He goes What are you using flones how long have I been telling you to do it two and a half years?

Like she's on a flones shame the Kristen right now, okay? What are you using, Flonays? How long have I been telling you to do it? Two and a half years? You're welcome. Like, she's on Flonays' shame, Kristen right now, okay? All right, you do not Flonays shame her, okay? She's allergic to you. She's allergic to you. And Coke. She's like, uh, he's like, I've been telling you for years, but you're stubborn.

And she's like, oh, we're post-stabbing, okay? Don't get upset, like it's okay to not feelin', right? It's okay, enough feelings. Like every time you get scared, you get sad. And that's what's happening. Right, oh no. And he's like, why am I- He's like, why am I sad?

I'm in a castle in Kentucky having a blast with you. I'm like, that is the saddest thing you could have said right now. That is exactly why you're sad. You're in a castle in Kentucky with Kristen. That's it. And you're Flonace Shaminger. This is how you're spending your night. Flonace Shaminger in a castle in Kentucky.

I'm sorry. You're not going to like this part. I'm about to say, but I'm kind of with him because he goes, well, you texted me yesterday that I'm selfish and I'm unkind. I'm like, yeah, because you invited him to a wedding and then fucking ignored him. I wouldn't talk to him or text him back. Yeah. But like, this isn't the first time that's happened. It's listen, it's not a one way street. Okay, this is not the first time it's happened.

He shouldn't have come in the first place. He's an idiot. I'm sorry. He's an idiot. They're both idiots. Well, that's fine. But I'm saying it's not just Kristen. It's not just Kristen, but it is both idiot and toxic.

They're both idiots and toxic to each other. Yeah. But last time's not just Christin, but it is, it is. It is in toxic. Yeah. They're both idiots in toxic to each other. Yeah. But last time I checked, she wasn't flow-n-a-shaming him. So, Christians like, you say those things that subconsciously manipulate me because you're sad and you're hurt,

and you want me to give you attention, and it's just it's not working right now. It's not working right now, which is why you're sad. I'm like, you've literally stepped that side the tent, the wedding, to talk with them. You're literally giving them the attention that you're sad. I'm like, you've literally stepped outside the tent to the wedding to talk with him. You're literally giving him the attention that you're saying about working.

Yeah. And he's like, well, I don't like how you're dreaming me. It's like, oh, I asked for space. I'm taking my space and it breaks me. I mean, it's like, you're my best friend. You know that, don't you? Flonese fucking moron. You'd have stopped all the way down

with fucking. Don't you, flow knees, fucking moron. You'd have stop all the way down here, fucking bitch. Hahaha. By the way, I like that she says, I ask for space. And I've taken my space. I'm like, what part of space involves you insisting their carder comes to the wedding? Like, that's not space at all.

So yeah, she's like, why do you want to be with me? Yeah, because I think I'm fucking love you Kristen all up on her face and she's like that would break me if he wasn't here but it's like making me sad to be this year it's like all my friends are like finding their happy place like even kidding Tom are going for their second wedding and I'm your 4 years later with no ring no ring um so break up move on then I don't care Like if you're four years in and they're not close to what you want to be in the relationship, that means it's not working. So either get that

flow nays or move forward. Yeah. So then Jackson, Brittany, you're up on the balcony and Jack's like, single ladies, single ladies, I got my money on Kristen because it's time to throw the bouquet and a girl goes, Kristen always fights for it. Just hilarious, Kristen's always that girl. And you know, Kristen's got the elbows to go out, wouldn't fuck with her. Yeah, she's probably like, yeah, she's a big gangly mess of limbs. That's like, oh, I got it. I got it. Mm. So it's time to throw it to the beginning. I never saw a sea, because I think she's next. And I'm trying to boy Christine,

because I don't want her catching that, because this is my hand. Yeah. So instead, Britney's cousin Amanda gets it even though she's 18, so whatever. So then they do this whole thing. Everyone has to light sparklers and make a little sparkler tunnel.

And then Jackson Brittany come through with their dogs and they're gonna like walk with their dogs through this tunnel of sparklers. It's just like really annoying. Like I've made for Instagram a moment, I hear you. Yeah, well my sister, I was jealous actually of this wedding because my sister's wedding because she's like, what do you think

if we got sparklers instead of rice? I'm like, that is the best idea, but where are you going to get all those sparklers? And she's like, oh, don't worry, me and my mom found a place. So we get to the wedding. It's like 300 people. It's a huge wedding, right? So we all line up after and pass out these sparklers. And I'm looking at them thinking, these are big, but I mean, what do I know? I'm looking at them thinking these are big, but I mean what do I know? I'm no sparkler expert So we'd like to sparklers. They were like They were huge They were putting out so much fire and smoke it was like blow torches, you know And my poor sister had to run through their brother house

And I was like she's gonna die. They couldn't see. It's just all smoke and fire. That's perfect. That I would've liked for that. She's in back draft. So I was a little triggered. I was like, damn, they bought the right size sparklers. How does Kentucky have better sparklers in Texas on piss? Well, they go through the tunnel of sparklers and they go into the castle. And in the castle, there is a tunnel of sparklers and they go into the castle and in the castle, there is a tunnel of Hooters' waitresses because this is like the after party and, you know, Hooters, that's their whole thing.

And Lala's like, yes, Qsq, I'm getting a lot of ideas for what I want to do for my wedding and also some ideas of what I don't want to happen at my wedding. Hooters' waitresses. Yeah. Yeah. Hooters' waitresses with big tits asking me if I want ranch happen at my wedding. Putterswitches. Yeah, yeah. Huda's Wages is with Big Tits asking me if I want ranch for my chicken wings. I mean, God, it's like where I came from.

Why would I want to go back to that? Meanwhile, Randall is like bouncing all that fried chicken off his bone or into his mouth. He's like, yeah, give me more, give me more. I know he's in this one. He's like a ball. He's really, he is pretty still is right now in his own mind. So then Tom sand.

Yeah, Tom sand of all is like dancing, doing this hardcore dance with Lance Bass. He's doing all this stuff. He's like sliding through the legs. He's like busing out all his moves in Ariana's like, Tom is living out his teenage boy band dreams right now. It's getting out of hand. And you just see Tom like, do do do do do do. You know Lance is like, okay, gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like,

we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like,

we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like,

we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, we're gonna be like, a real waiter at this place. Because she's like, can I get you anything else? That's how you wait. She was just lost with her training, which is what's hilarious. Yeah, she's like, she's like, yeah, no, he's not really at the begin. He just has that to everyone relax. So, yeah. So James drops off for Cal. He's like, okay, good. I'm going to a party up in the here, but I won't be drinking. No, I mean, be a good boy. No drinking. I have to drive. I have to drive. I'm like, I hate to break it to you, Raquel. But James saying that he has

a drive, which is why he won't be drinking. Doesn't always mean he won't be drinking. I know. We just saw it down. We just saw it down. Yeah. Stop for those to drinking. I know we just saw it. See Danica. Yeah, stop with those to stand and talk to Danica. So then Charlie and Dana, that my second favorite set piece of this show, The Squirrel. Charlie's like, so you're not with everyone at the wedding. And Dana's like, um, gotta earn that coin. But if I did get married, yeah, but if I did get married, it would be at the courthouse weddings or whack. So I'm going to try and get back to Max. Yeah. Yeah. So she's going to go to Tom Tom tomorrow to like,

patch things up with Max and everything. And Charlie, who I love, Charlie is like my rant. I'm like, I cannot believe how much I love Charlie. She's like my favorite of all the new people. She's like, I don't know much I love Charlie. She's like my favorite of all the new people. She's like, I don't know, I don't know Max well enough to make judgment calls, but what the hell does Max have that all these girls are willing to, you know, and Dan's like, a big old dick. And you can just see Charlie's face like,

I don't think that's true. Yeah, I know, like I know enough people that have told me about his dick to know that's not true. And she goes, I guess, I guess. Oh, go ahead. You do it. It's like, I guess so. I mean, I couldn't let a guy disrespect me like that. And she's like, um, no, I'm that way too. But like, did you know, I think Dana can see ghosts speaking of six cents because Dana is always talking to someone right over your right shoulder. Wait, yeah, right over your right shoulder. Have you noticed that?

If once she talks to somebody, she's always like, yeah, but like, I don't like being disrespected. She's always looking at someone else, but it's not like Max. Max is always looking for a door. Like somewhere to escape, he's looking everywhere. Max is always looking at one ghost

and it's right over your shoulder. It's weird. She's like, there's this big piece of fried chicken that's following me around. And it keeps throwing up other pieces of fried chicken. So. Right. This is just everywhere on this show now. Yeah. But yeah, I just love it. I was like, I just wouldn't allow someone to disrespect me like that. And it just sort of smiles in Dana's face like you're an idiot. And I'm telling you that I'm someone who's never even had

an avocado. And I'm telling you that you're the idiot here. She literally goes, I don't know what pasta is. And you're the dumb one. So think about it. She literally says, I think it's awesome. I'm the youngest person here, but not the dumbest one. So then she's like, sorry, Dan is like, well, we'll figure it out. And Charlie goes, and if not, you can just go suck that dick girl. And Dan is like, yeah. I missed that somehow. So then we go back to the wedding and she is getting rubbed on by some gross guy, gross she. Back to the wedding in China is getting rubbed on by some gross guy gross. Sheena.

I had I was happy I supported China. I was like, Gina, you get yours. So Stasi's like, um, once we walked through the hooters tunnel, there was definitely a change in tone. We went from wedding chic to Kentucky chic. And both like God, have you thought of this? That could be you up there getting married to Jack's He's like oh god

Jesus I guess that's true and she goes don't this just goes to show you don't trust anything a 23 year old guy says Especially a 33 year old guy in West hollywood that tells you he's a super model Yeah, and then she knows making that without dude and she's like I'm doing everything Kristen should be doing But instead she's out chasing Carter out of the castle. Oh, well, I get the tall one Mang up rights made us the bass cuz you're first on the gas last you get to dress up in my car You get to make out with single crimes man So then Katie and Tom Katie's like where's your money honey? Where is it?

Where did you lose your wallet and he like, I gave it to the bartender And that's when we ask a little he has like he has like a little like a tag like a thing on his chest that says If I'm lost, please, please call Katie mooney Maloney at You know, he's got like a little hat with like a little propeller on it. He's like So then we find out that it's a cash bar, okay, which is more yeah So then Jack it's like Mitchell I had 60 bottles of vodka. What the fuck they're charging people that cannot happen bro I can know that I've been like how's an open bar vodka only I've never heard of it I don't have a problem listen that's all I drink but

Yeah, I was like um Yeah, to me this was all shady. I'm like you know what it to me. This is an example of like they the venue probably told them five different Times like okay, so we will do open bar for the dinner, but the after party will be a cash bar, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, people will be fine being cash. And then of course, as soon as it happens on camera, all of a sudden, Jack's is like, oh, like, you know what,

this was something that was clearly could have been sorted out and was sorted out beforehand. So like all this drama about like, 100,000 dollar wedding, and now this, and now this, I just wasn't buying buying it and he just runs up to everyone there It's like I've spent a hundred grand of this when it's been a hundred grand. They're ten they gave ten dollars now Or they don't give a shit. They don't give a shit fucking poor people. So God you are. Yeah, worse How can you be telling this bad on your wedding day dude?

Yeah, he's literally telling every single person I paid a hundred thousand dollars a hundred thousand dollars He's going up to everyone. So Tom Sandivall, meanwhile, he pulls aside the wedding planner and it's like, oh, dude, can you just like bring those bottles of vodka from the outdoor bar, bring them in here? Can we do that instead? And they do it, and it saves the day, it fixes everything.

And then Jack's just like happy. And then they ask Jack's like, oh, how would you grade Tom Sandivall as a best man? After Tom has pulled out the umbrella, got got the tampon. I got the white claw. I got the dry the dry the shirt dry cleaned all the stuff He goes I give him a B minus or C it's passing Meanwhile Tom's like inventing new drinks out of tampons just so people don't have to pay for anything, you know Yeah, so everybody goes to bed in the next morning Britz, like, where am I? Are we fucking no, Brittany?

And so she's like, well, we should get out of here by 11. He's like, yeah, I don't want extra charges. Everybody get up. Get up. I'm not paying for this shit. Don't smirk at me, Brittany. Don't fucking give me that smirk. God, I can't believe it that they they don't fucking give me that smirk. God, that's... Can you believe it? They don't even have a... Like a... A reception, like a morning reception. Normally a wedding, a lot of weddings I've gone to on the day after, there's like a little reception that's basically like a brunch that's like,

okay, goodbye. Thank you for coming. To everyone who made this, you know, it's a whole thing. Here, there's like, get the fuck out. I paid for enough already. Get the fuck out. It's so tacky and and graseless And so it's so bad. Yeah, so then Dana comes into Tom Tom to talk to Max and she's like um I feel like I haven't like been here in like a really long time and he's like yeah, yeah, all right I guess I guess we can talk now. And so

he's like, um, give this card to Lisa. Isn't it devastating about our mom? So like, like your tat, what is that new God? I don't see you for a day and you've got a new tat. He's got this awful new tattoo that says shake into death and has some, I don't know, some ridiculous image on it. I'm like, shake into death really. Oh, because you work in a bar. has some, I don't know, some ridiculous image on it. I'm like shaking to death really. Oh, because you work in a bar. Yeah, please don't have a baby. Don't bring that around any babies. So she's like, so, um, after we talked, like something in me clicked, like, um, I realized that, like, did you know that there's like two restaurants named Jones?

So one's like really romantic and one like has $10 Brussels sprouts. So what boobs? I love that there was like a romantic, a romantic miscommunication because of Jones and Jones. Jones on third and Jones restaurant. Like that is the most LA Thing and Vanopump rules thing to ever happen. It is so good and like I want a name This episode keeping up with the Jones is just almost as a review of Jackson Britney's wedding, but I just know you said you should be keeping up with the Should I just be like fuck this wedding? I'm gonna give Dana and Max a stupid subplot Yeah, it also works for Jackson Brit because they're trying to have this big wedding to like keep up with the Joneses or whatever. Also, fuck this wedding. It's been offered 19 years. We'll see.

We'll see how I feel when the moment comes. So, but yeah, I wanted to say, I was sorry, but like you listen to everybody else, like when everybody else was saying things about me, like you listen to them and send me. So, it's like, yeah, you don't look like a liar at all max yeah he knows he has the power now yeah he has the power now so he's gonna make her bag for it yeah which he shouldn't do yeah so she's like to that piece of fried chicken that's haunting her so she's like well we can move on if you want but like balls in your court and he's like yeah the girls were at sir like we're trying to ruin this from day one and she's like, well, we can move on if you want, but like balls in your core. And he's like, yeah, the girls were at Sir, like we're trying to ruin this from day one and she let them.

So like, whatever, I need time. I need time. I need time. That's it. It's like, um, okay. Well, I just wanted him to meet me halfway because like, I don't put myself out there, but like, I put myself out there and it didn't work out again. It's like stop dating douchebags, okay? Those are Andy Ronnie's advice. Don't, don't marry douchebags. Yeah. So anyway, back over in Kentucky, at this point, I'm like, why is this episode still going? It's been over an hour, we're over the one hour mark.

We're right. The wedding is over. The wedding is over. Why are we still watching what's happening here, please? And on my And my DVR said that the recording was an hour and 36 minutes. So I was like, is there still 30 more minutes left? What's going on? But I think they were just, luckily it was not. I think they crammed them probably an episode of blind date. Who knows? I turned it off. Literally, as soon as the preview was over, I think that's an episode of

Andy's best of watch what happens live with a Vanderpump rules cast So we can try again sweet sweet ratings She's getting married and she's feeling harried. It's Britney from Van if a rule the Hillary Clinton so It's so we're back in Kentucky and Jackson still kicking everyone out. I know everyone has got like a lot of stuff to pack up because they've been there for like three or four days. So they, they, they, they have to, the thing that annoys me is they're there for that much time and then all of a sudden they're told like,

oh yeah, okay, get out. Like, you know what, you're the one who had an after party until like three or four in the morning and now you want everyone to just be up and ready and like to pack up their shit. So tacky. Yeah, but Jackie's Jackie. Jack's wedding extravaganza. The last line of the whole thing is credit cards and next set parties over everyone get the fucking get out of the fucking castle now. Have fun in your new chapter, Brittney. Yeah, and by the way, you did this to yourself. Yes, and by the way, Carter did spend a night with Kristen and Shina, they all woke up in bed together and Kristen's like, I thought I could be strong.

I thought that I would not backslide and yet shoulder roll, shoulder roll. Like, of course, you was going to wind up in your bed. You invited him to Kentucky. And she was like, was like of course we have a three so I'm just kidding it's not like two thousand and so I am I don't do that anymore see my answer a lot is that she know that she know that cop and that's the end of that thank god this wedding is over and it looks like jack's lasts about two seconds on this wedding train before he goes fucking crazy and tries to cheat or something. He's caught doing something really bad. Let's just enjoy this moment of time where we don't have any weddings and Brittany is not

pregnant yet. Let's just please enjoy this because once she gets knocked up it's just going to be a national nightmare. All right, everybody. Well, thanks so much for being with us today. Go find if you want this video on demand, go get it. We've also got a love of this blind video up and we've got tons of video stuff over there. Go watch them. I'll do it. Yeah. Okay. Bye everyone. Bye everybody. Bye.