Watch What Crappens - PumpRules: Do You Read Me?

Episode Date: October 7, 2021

This week on Vanderpump Rules, the cast heads to Palm Springs where they put on a dull fashion show and squabble over dinner. Meanwhile, Lala is bummed that she's not a New York Times Best Selling Author (lol), and Rand shames Schwartz for being useless.This is a Crappens on Demand episode, which means you can watch us record the recap by clicking here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/57092083See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crapins Add Free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts. It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off. Voice only. Launching during pride. Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chas, and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Watch For Crappins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker, you can find me just right here in Crappins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker, you can find me just right here in Crappins. You can find me in so many different places, I'm not giving a bother.

And joining me is the one and only Ronnie Caram, what's up Ronnie? Hi. Sorry, it's about to press the stop button on the recorder. Okay, that would have been bad. That would have been terrible. You're looking beautiful. We are sort of matching today with our blue shirts. It's crap is on demand day, guys,

so you can watch us. You can look at our matching blue shirts. Let's do a matching shoulder dance. Yeah. We're almost organized, I can't hold a beat. Sorry, guys. Crap is on demand if you don't know what it is,

is a way for you to actually watch us as we record our episode. You go to patreon.com slash watch our crap ins and if you support at the crap ins on demand level, you get access to this twice a week. We you can watch us not just listen and also when you do crap ins on demand, you get access to our discord server or bonus episodes. It's really great. So we encourage you to do that and get the full crap and experience.

And also, I want to give a shout out to our favorite, our favorite OC Hannah Farrier. Ronnie, you did her podcast a few weeks ago, and I just did her podcast this week. So Hannah from Below Deck Med, as you may remember, Hannah, Hannah, I went on there, we talked Bravo, we talked all sorts of stuff. So go check that out.

Her podcast is called, Dear Reality Your Fucked, Your F'd. I believe, I hope I got that right actually. I feel like I just, I feel like I just F'd my promo of Hannah's podcast, but just go look it up, there's links everywhere. How are you doing, Ronnie? Good.

The fact that she didn't just call that whole podcast, honey eyes is beyond me, but whatever. Whatever makes you happy, Hannah. Okay. I'm now like verifying that that's an in, now that I've heard, but she's listening probably, and she's probably so mad, she's like, honey, honey, you know, longer and longer

and more, to more winning, honey, honey. It is your reality, you're apt, I got it right. I just had like. Yeah, hon, hon. It is your reality, your app. I got it right. I just had like a sense what I said. I kept out. Okay, everybody will welcome to the show is Fander Pomp Rules Day. Now, at the beginning of Fander Pomp Rules,

which was just last week. So I don't know why I knew to pretend it was 30 years ago, but it was last week. The big worry coming into this season is that Tom Sandoval is gonna take over and just have costume parties every week. And I gotta say, it's not looking good, Tom Sandivall. Cut the shit, okay? Rath, you're having a nice body and looking good

in a C3 shirt, I'm not here to watch your stupid costume parties, okay? You better impregnate somebody in Las Vegas or screw somebody over. This is Vanderpump rules, sir, okay? This is not Sandivall dresses sir. Okay, this is not sand of all, you know, dresses up like a 10-year-old in this mother's closet. Okay.

It's my map, right? Yeah, I agree. I don't need costumes. This goes for summer house and winter house too, by the way. Do not need to lean into costumes. They don't bring me any joy on TV costumes and babies on my reality TV shows are not a value ad. They just are filled it to me. It's always like a sad ploy by producers who are trying to create some sort of viral moment, you know, chasing

the highs of like the COWIG, right? But that being said, here I will in a dictionary and pregnant somebody. Okay, there's two ideas for free. Lord, have a huge lie about something, but I enjoy the episode despite a very annoying fashion show. Okay, well, let's get into it, shall we? Yeah, so the, the episode opens up at some sort of spin class with both of the Tom's and Brock are like spinning and there's just basically a lot of boxing Come on Sandy come on. Hi. Hey, get that rhythm baby Tom. Come on. You can do it Sandy You could do it get that rhythm get that rhythm going his big brody

You know rod and you can't trust people like Brock because their advice doesn't rhyme, okay? Because he says things like this those Those who raw just give it, to give it, stay to give it. That doesn't rhyme. Those who ride together, stay together, which means you're a liar, which means you're gonna be tray everybody, okay? Thanks for giving it away in your coded spinning class, speak, sir.

Yeah. And I also, I hate when people who have legs, the size of the Empire State Building, then are like, come on, sigh with it, come on, keep the beat, keep the beat. I'm like, sorry, we don't have giant ham hocks as legs. Sorry, we are not from Mount Olympus, okay? So please don't like give, like, keep the beat privilege.

Please don't like try to, like, try to, please don't lean into that privilege when you're dealing with me, okay? I'm just doing the best that I can. Yeah, he does a lot of that. Hi, hi, hi, hi, get through rhythm. Come on, get that rhythm. Like what is this crazy for you?

Shut up, Brock. Okay, you're new here. Stop torturing people on the bike. So Schwartz is like, Brock has a formidable physical presence. He looks like something I learned about in Greek mythology. Oh, this is Schwartz, sorry. Brock has a formidable physical presence.

He looks like something I learned about in Greek mythology. Ah, blah, blah. So, and we get a little bit of Brock's stuff because Brock's, Brock is like really big and stuff. So he's like, I'm definitely into a few things. Rowan, cycling, eclectic training, crossfit, functional training, Olympic lifting, speed training,

hit training. If you've heard of it, I've tried it. Have you heard of standing in a bus training? Because right now that's all I'm thinking about with you. The bus would probably be damaged, but shut up with all of your trainings. Yeah. So now after class, they're all sitting around

and shorts is just like in all of Brock's legs and he's just like touchy them he's like, oh these things are hamlocks man. Oh, the problem with those big beautiful legs is that their perspective manipulators. So no matter how big your junk is, you're going to look small in comparison. Oh, yeah, you know what else they say that about your Fupa. Okay. And that's true. If this were a Fupa to penis ratio, I would have been more into it.

But we start with Schwartz, beautiful mind stuff where he's doing all this math for the the ham-hawk leg to weiner ratio. And he starts talking about the perfect thigh to junk ratio. Yeah. And it's wacky. It's wacky. It's wacky. I feel like I'm not concerned about Brock's thighs affecting his junk. So I got very distracted. The message just popped up on my screen.

I was just going to ask you a few more texting. No, I'm very distracted. The message just popped up on my screen. And I'm like, I was just gonna ask you if you were texting. No, I'm not texting. I feel like I'm on a text and I'm like, this is why I don't take. No, because you know what? You know that thing where you tell, you like shut down messages, because you're like,

I do not want to see messages. But Apple's like, I'm still gonna let you know who's texting you. And I'm like, please stop. Please, I'm trying to focus here. Okay, we're talking about something very important, which is potentially the size of Brock's junk in relation to his hand-mox.

And I'm getting texts about, about shit I don't care about. It's very frustrating. So, Brock is like, you know, proof, look, Brock annoys me with all of his exercise talks. So I'm already, I'm just in a mood today, okay? There's costumes, there's the fight of junk ratio, there's rock talking about exercising. So far, I want to quit this show and just take on project right away. That's how I'm feeling, okay? But then, wow, really starts some shit stirring, which I was like, oh, maybe he is going to earn his place,

because he's like, so I heard last night you had problems with the name. And it's where it's like, yeah, that was about the name of the restaurant because Katie was just trying to be constructive but then Tom you know Tom was a little and Tom was like it was out of line it was out of line dude Tom Santa was about to break down crying in every scene by the way yeah and so Brock is like well what's the name of your bar and shorts like well the name is shorts Yeah, and so Brock is like, well, what's the name of your bar? And shorts are like, well, the name is Schwartz and Sandeys. And Brock is like Schwartz and Sandeys is trash.

Personally, work on it. You know what I'd call it? Rocks and sticks. Now that's a bar I could go to. Rocks and sticks. I'd call it rowing cycling, athletic training crossfit, functional training, Olympic lifted, speed training, hit training, bond, grill. Right.

I'm calling it athletic type and Ben Gay. That's what I want to go to. So Schwartz is like, I want Katie to be involved. And Tom's like, you know, she came with more and more insults about how stupid it is and how uninspired it is. And he's like, but you have to respect that she's a business partner space, bro. She isn't input and that you heard it. No, no, no, no. I'm not going into business with your damn partner, your life partner.

Get that shit out of here, okay? Your partner can have any opinion they want at home with you, but get the fuck out of my office. I don home with you. But get the fuck out of my office. I didn't hire you. Yeah, so Santa Ville has a whole monologue about how like he's so offended by Katie saying that the name was uninspired. So he's like,

dude, I get told my ideas uninspired. Our last name's uninspired. I'm talking about the things that me and you have done, dude. Two people meeting on Craigslist, not motoring each other, not hooking up, but getting together and having a loving, strong relationship, dude, where we inspire each other and make each other better. Doing motorcycle side cars, which is universally

loved by the Bravo audience, matching suits, even more fun. Lisa, Lisa was inspired by us, and that, she made us a partner in her bar, dude. That's what inspires me, the things that we've done together, dude. I don't need someone coming in and fake working as a maiter D, dude. Someone who's setting out of built Legos, altering quarantine, dude. And he's crying.

Like, they're playing violins and Santa Claus crying for his monologue. Now, I do have to agree with him on, you don't get to just come in and tell me you have a job when you've been doing Legos all quarantine. Someone online had a really good idea that she just opens a bar, like it's stupid of her not to open a bar called tequila caddies.

Like what is she me just sit around and wait for the Tom? She's on the same show. She should open her own damn restaurant. That's what I say. Yes, actually, you're smart enough. I mean, from all intents and purposes on the show, you're kind of lazy, Bill. So, my and I do something, you know?

So, you could open up a bar, you're smart enough, you're gorgeous, some people like you. Yeah, I don't understand why actually she hasn't pursued anything like that and why is it only the Tom's, like, it's open up a bar. It would make a huge like the branding is already there I'm I actually agree I think that's a great idea whoever said that yes I'm a mother Instagram comment so thank you that someone on our Instagram comments I would go to

telekates I would go to telekates like it sounds like it just sounds fun I'm like going to to kill you get to Katie it's where you going tonight Tequila Katie? Yeah, you know. So then Schwartz is like, fuck off dude, she did so much more than just Legos. He's like, I don't need somebody telling me names and you know, I'm inspired. She's uninspired. And then Schwartz tells us, I have to confess something.

It was actually me who said Schwartz and Sandeys is uninspired. He is such a pussy, I'm sorry. Like this is, here we are, like just bashing Katie. I mean, Katie does get involved in things she shouldn't be getting involved in necessarily, but then it turns out that actually shwarts the one who said it and now his business partner,

his business partner is ranting about her. And it was because of what he did and he doesn't like stand up for his wife, he doesn't say, actually, we doesn't take any accountability. Like, I think this is like a real personality flaw. He's horrible. Tom Schwartz is horrible.

He makes me crazy with this walking around, like, he's the good guy. And he totally bad guys his partner all the time. He's always done that. He does. Now, I still don't like Katie very much, but, you know, now like you're saying, a lot of that might be Schwartz's fault, you know, because he totally

bad guys are every single chance he gets. And then he gets even better both against Lager. Yeah, but then that's like, he puts them against each other, to be honest. And so like Tom Sandivall gets put in this position where he looks arrogant and Kay gets in this, gets put in this position where she looks like a meddler. And the truth is that I think that actually Tom Schwartz has kind of pushed him into those corners and revolve fallen for it in many ways. And I think that Schwartz is the real toxin in this situation.

Yeah. So then we get a very inspired, Trixie Monical tune. This one's really good. And it involves counting. One, two, three, oh. One, two, three, oh. One, two, three, oh. One, two, three, oh.

One, two, three, oh. Well, it's a real, it's a real, it's a real sort of like contemplation about like what would happen if our numerical system was merged with our vowel system, like one, two, three, oh. Like where does that take us? You know actually Ronnie, I feel very lucky and privileged because last night I Lived out my 90's dreams because I went to a garbage and the Lannis Morrison concert

Which is probably why I'm also a little cracked out today because I'm like exhausted and I felt like I was seeing The real Trixi Monacles because Shirley Mans, who is like a personal icon to me, truly is like the spirit of Triximonicals. She gets up there and she's like, oh, I just have to say for all the, all the, that female musicians here, fuck you to the patriarchy. I was like, Triximonical, thank you. Like, she, like, she, I was like, this is why I love Triximonical music, because I was like, raised one garbage. And I mean, that in all the different terms of garbage. I think that is hilarious.

The Euro to garbage so last night. That's like the last thing I would have expected you to say. Really? Do you know, do you not know that I love garbage? Like not just in like what I eat and what I watch? I love garbage. I love truly Nancy. I didn't know. I love that.

I love knowing that. is saying after all these years You can still surprise me. Did you really not know that did you really not know I'm speaking like Malia? I'm blood Like that's what she was doing she was like and she like paces around she like paces around on stage And you know she's like I thought you a bit special and then she like itaces around, she like paces around on stage. And you know, she's like, I thought you had spashtail. And then she's like, she's like, fuck you, just like this. And then a lannus. It was just like a night of feeling 90s rage.

And it was just so beautiful to then come home and fall asleep to the first 10 minutes of random rules. That was like, it was perfect. I know, with 90s rage was so funny. I wish I could just go back and tell everybody just you fucking wait. Just you fucking wait. I mean, now the 90s look like Aussie and Harriet. I love Lucy days. You know, I'm like, no, we were just taking chocolates off the little conveyor belt.

Okay. So that song leads into Ariana going to me, Lisa Vanderpump for lunch in West Hollywood, where you have to be tortured by walking up three flights of stairs to get to a patio to each of us. Okay. Yeah, I didn't even know where that place was. I never heard of it. And I, that's how tired I was that I was so tired from the concert that I didn't even bother googling it so that way I could make a very, you know, cutting remark about its neighborhood.

Well, I'm assuming it's West Hollywood because it looks just like Tom Tom. It looked like one of those patios that overlooks that soccer field. You know how they have the plexiglass thing and then overlooks the soccer. So Lisa was saying she wanted to take that business, but that the kitchen was too small, which is hilarious because if you've ever seen those kids, well, which we have on the TV shows, the kitchen's on the TV show or like, it's like a microwave and a one-burner, you know? Well, she probably has like a full Lucille ball, you know, goat cheese ball, line going

instead of chocolate, just like stuffing goat cheese balls in her mouth. That little, these Lucal ball call back there. So, yeah, so Ariana's like, back when Lisa was my boss, I didn't think we'd have a relationship where we'd have lunch, but she really understands my struggles with mental health at depression and anxiety

and also we're on a reality show together. So here we are. So, I don't think we'd get lunch, but she understands my struggles with getting hungry in the middle of the day, so here we are. So I don't think we'd get lunch, but she understands my struggles with getting hungry in the middle of the day. So here we are. She understands my struggles of trying to find a scene partner to shoot with.

And Ariana knows who she's with. So they don't have a liquor license. So Ariana just brings her some Vanderpump rosé, the only thing she's wondering. Very smart. Yeah. it just brings her some Vanderpump rosé, you know, the only thing she's suffering. Yes, very smart. Yeah. So, um, Lisa's like, so how do you feel about Jormintromb having a business together?

What do you think about mechatize versus pussybows? Let's start there, darling. And wasn't it so outrageous how Kyle kept talking about Erica? Oh, I reluctantly told you that I should never have said it. So Ariana's like, she's like, well, Tom told me that when you saw you, he was like, you were like really supportive and excited. And then he like cried telling me that. And then he had this whole speech about meeting Tom Schwartz on Craig's list. And that went on for like 10 minutes and he cried. But yeah, yeah, he was like really happy.

I said, Tom, you're like the bird leaving the nest. Broken one probably. I'm so I'm still hurting darling. I'm so glad we're up a flight of stairs. You could really experience what it's like to fall down a stairs with your broken wing because you're a broken bird. So, um, yeah. So Ariana is just saying how, at least it's asking if Ariana and are going to be involved in the business. And Ariana is like, well, I want to, like, at first I did, but then I just sort of just wanted to back out. But it seems like Katie still wants to be involved.

And, you know, I just think that when Katie jumps in, she has a strong opinion and it kind of stresses them out. Yeah, and she's like, but didn't you mortgage your house, Remark a jet or do it have a poor people to to move no money Until other no money accounts to make it seem like you have a little bit for lunch Outwork She's like yeah, well actually only Tom took out his equity, but like my equity is fine So it's all getting out of Tom, you know She's like, you know if you fall short on the loan then he just has to pay me No, I don't think that that works like that time if they come get the house

I'm not taking half the house done the taking the whole house. I'm not I don't think you know how that works If the bank would repossess hanky they take Banky to it's a package deal left side of house right side of house So like, Panky too, it's a package deal. Left side of house, right side of house. So, Arianna's like, well, all that financial responsibilities on him and him alone, and my financial responsibilities are just like remaining intact. I take financial responsibilities very seriously. Like, sketchy comedy itself. So, she's like, well, we had people over for Sheena's birthday and like obviously Sheena and Bala had this big falling out and like I just wanted to be good.

But then Lala does this podcast and rips me that shreds and refuses to like take accountability for it. Like she says, I don't even care about her. So you're hurt that she's framing you after this cold bitch, right? Can we just show this? We've only got one bottle here, telling you this. Look warm. All right.

As far as I can tell, there's no chlancy bass on the menus. So let's wrap up this scene show. We, okay, she thinks you're a cold bitch. Now it's your time to cry. And I'll curl up my lower lip and our sort of cry. And then I'll say, they're there there and then walk away. So I noticed on this menu that there's goat cheese on this Sir is that in a bowl?

No, um, is it in a happy hour-sized Empanada? No, just regular goat cheese. I'll never eat here again darling. Could you put a giant pile of slaw on top of the goat cheese? So it's like goat cheese, but with like a Tina Turner wig on it, but the Tina Turner wig is made of cabbage. Could you do that? Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable.

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So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on Amazon Music or Wondery app. Come here, shoes. Here comes one right now. And Ariana's like, well, like, she said that next time she's going to redirect the rage at Charlie.

Who's that darling? Charlie, the waitress has said. Charlie Chaplin. He was a lovely man. I loved him. The person alive was a bit of a mess, but who's wasn't that darling? Prince Charles are you saying oh yes, well he's has a lot of people taking rage So it's a good idea for a lot of to go at Prince Charles Charlie as I call him

And she's like but you're going on a trip with a lot of now So then we go to Tom and Ariana's house and James is coming in, you know, on his pre-workout pill, up his nose, whatever the fact this guy is on. A lot of pre-workout pills. Hello, hello, hello, my name's James, completely seven times, hey, I'm just a say hello. Good God. And so Tom is like, dude, do you want a mini latte? No, why not just serve a full size latte? I don't understand the mid, why, like,

I can't have like a lot of this. Okay, ever since I drove that stupid little fiat, I hate mini everything now, okay. I was, but I'm always tempted to get mini things. I was looking at the mini iPhone. And you want a tiny house. Yeah, I did want a tiny house for a while. Now I do not, okay, then I gained a hundred pounds, okay? So now I do not want a tiny house. Yeah, I did want a tiny house for a while. Now I do not, okay, then I gained a hundred pounds.

Okay, so now I do not want a tiny house. Now a regular house is a tiny house. Oh my God, I totally just, I totally just secreted my house. Yeah, I just totally secreted. I guess I was like, that's a secret game work in bad ways too, because I wanted a tiny house and I gained a hundred pounds. Now I basically live in a tiny house.

But you're looking at the mini iPhone. Yeah. Does there are mini iPhone? Yeah. Isn't that just a watch? No, no. That's really mini. See, this is why I don't like, okay, wait, so is that a new thing that mini iPhone?

No, it came out like last year. It's basically the size of the 4S. You remember the old iPhone. Yes, here's what I hate. Okay's basically the size of the 4S. You remember the old iPhone. Yes, he hears what I hate. Okay, this is what I don't like. Okay, iPhones are certain size, and they're like that for like five generations,

and then they're like, oh, it comes the 6S or whatever, and it's like a little bit bigger. And then there's like the iPhone MaxiPad, and it's like really big. And then they're like, oh, look how big. Isn't it so nice that we finally have big iPhones? And now that we have big iPhones, how about the Mini-1? And I'm just going back to the same size.

You don't fool me, Apple. Well, it's not fooling, it's that we try things. You know, you have to adjust. So we got, you know, we try the iPhone Max and then people like me, ham-haw cans. I'm like, that's perfect for me. So I get the max. And then I'm like, do I have carpal tunnels in for now?

Because we're on our phones all the time. You're holding your phone like this and then you realize you're never gonna use your hands again to save. And so then you have to readjust and go back to the little phones you see. I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

Well, whenever I think of like large Apple products, and this is Vanopromp Rules related, and it's also, it's name dropi, which is my favorite thing, but it is Van Apprentice Rules related. My, you're like, you never get garbage to hold me. Caw. You know, when Shirley Manson was, I did once hold a door officially Manson,

and that was like a really exciting thing for me, and now I just have to wait to hold a door for Lannus and my life will be complete. But, no, I would never think of large Apple products. I think of the time that I encountered Sheena at the Grove. And she had that brand new, enormous iPad thing. That's, it's based in like a menu.

And she's like, I have to go to the Apple Store because this is a worry. And I was like, of course, Sheena has like this, she's like holding it like it's a normal size iPad, but it's like so huge. And just like the idea of Shino with an oversized iPad, the visual, I don't know if it translates. Yeah, because Shino is tiny too, you know?

So she's like her with this like gigantic screen. Okay, so anyway. I think she was trying to pull the old perspective manipulation like her future husband. Yeah, so here we are with Mini Latte. No, that's not gonna work for me, okay? So that sizes. Basically, they're talking about how James, can you believe I'm popping the question to

Rachele and Pum Springs? Brad! Can you believe it, Brad? And of course that question is, would you like to split a salad? Would you like to? No split fees here and Pum Springs? And Tom's like, I'm so honored. You brought me in the know dude

It's like so fun for me, bro And so we find out that basically Tom is just doing everything for James, you know poor recal. Yeah Poor Rickal poor poor Rickal especially at the end of this what we see the scenes for next week poor Recal so he's like dude I got a food truck and a got a fire dancer, and someone rotating in a hoop, and like fireworks. And, um, I got an elephant, and I got a lion. And, um, I also just got like, one of those things. Remember that thing I got, so you can like freeze a shot immediately? I'm using that too.

And, uh, I got a pillow. There's a pillow! There's gonna be a pillow, dude. Many pillow. Many pillow. So James is like, um, he's so excited. Because honestly, Arianna's never gonna let him propose to her. So James is talking about how he wants to recreate Coachella because Rick Helmer, Rick Helms, just one of those people who cherishes all of her memories of Coachella.

And we see this evidence by the fact that they're like at some store and there's a cigar box and she's like, oh my god, I have a cigar box with all of my cherished memorabilia in it. Like, our Coachella wristbands are in there. I was like, oh, oh. And he's like, yeah, and I had to say it hasn't happened in the past two years. And I thought to myself, what's the most romantic place in the world?

The rave time to Coachella. You know, I think in the spirit of finding silver linings during what has been a very challenging, you know, 18 months, we've had a global pandemic, and it's been a very, very hard time. I think the silver lining is two years with no Coachella has been wonderful. How lovely to have two years with no, like without like 50 people posting on your social media

feed the poster for Coachella. Like literally do we ever need to see that poster? What is the point? Like thank you for propagating a marketing tool to me. I don't need it. I don't need it. And the awful photos and the feathers and the hair and the, ugh, and and like the the grainy

shitty Videos in the fucking romantic rave 10 and here's something else I will say about last night's concert I refused and I did not put any videos on my social media because That is truly the most annoying thing in the world right like someone goes to a concert and then on their story It's like 10 10 dots of like grainy footage of just like blasted out like white light and like barely legible audio. No, I will not do that.

And thank you that we have not had Coachella for two years and we've not had to deal with that on mass. Thank you. All I see when I see Coachella pass or but, I just smell butt crack. Like I just start smelling butt crack everywhere. I just have to scroll through until the butt crack smell goes away because it is hot as hell out there and people don't bathe

or barely even wipe. You know that's like you know when you walk into a porta potty and then you leave and you can still smell the chemicals like they just seep into you. Like that poop, that poop chemical. Ah. Ronnie. What?

Sorry, I interrupt this podcast. Remember I said right before we started, and I was like, oh, I feel like I had something to announce before I said there was something, I was like, I want to stay on this podcast, and I forgot. And I was like, I know there was something, I remember what it was, Ronnie, I interrupt this podcast, it was very crucial juncture.

Pup camacles. Which is, but guys, I wiped my ass. I forgot to tell you, I finally figured it out. No, I went to a restaurant on Monday night, and in fact it was a top chef restaurant, so it was already Bravo themed and guess who was there, even though you already know the answer because I already texted you,

it made it when it happened. But pretend like you don't know. Who? Guess who was there? Who? It was Mike and Paulina. And Mike was sitting there in the corner with his all his brothers and Paulina. He was a few times he looked in my general

direction and I thought he was scowling at me but it could also just be Mike just generally scowling at space. You know? I got to look out for those hackers who are going to hack this menu and then make it look like, it is like, it's a spoof menu. Yeah. He sort of, he was there and I was very scared. I had this feeling that he was gonna come up to my table and be like, I heard you're a podcast.

And you think you're funny? You think you're a funny person because you make fun of people and they're very wonderful relationships with Paulina. And so, and at one point, he went to the bathroom and he walked right by the table and I was like, oh, I've been on the way back, he seemed like, hey, I know who you are. You're the one who grabbed my podcast, it is crap. That's what it is.

It's not beautiful, like Paulina. So basically, it's a nice interview. So, wow, spoof Paulina. Spoof Paulina. So let's get back to this because we're going to be here all day. Because my story had no point. No, no, no. It was like your song mic, that's cool, but you know, we're're gonna be here all day. Because my story had no point. No, no, no. I mean, it was like you saw Mike, that's cool,

but you know, we're gonna be here all day and day. So, a lattice. But I do love the mic. So Mike was out of lattice. I do love that poop chemicals took you to Mike Shuaad. That's pretty fitting. It literally did. I was like, oh my God, Mike, that's right.

Yeah, okay. Okay, so I was talking about Raquel, this proposal. So he says, did you talk to her dad? Did he put you through the ringer, dad? And James is like, well, I thought it was, you know, what better way to ask than to go on a manly hike? I was like, okay, so you did run you in. Come on James.

And he was like, I said, I love her so much. And I want to ask you for your blessing. And then he made a joke saying I could just throw you in this stitch right now bro. He said I could just stay in this stitch right now bro. To be fair a lot of people say that to James anytime they talk to him. So he's like my family loves Raquel. For me, with Raquel's family, it's been tough a time. I mean, it's fucking Mission Impossible. Mission Impossible, it's huge. Mission Impossible. I'm like, that's because you're a tearier.

You yell at her. You yell at her and you shame her and you scream at her and you are like out of control, okay? Well, and of course your family loves her. Your family is like, your mother, eh, and then your dad, the chimney sweep, trying to steal all your money. Of course, they see a girl who comes from a nice family and they love her. It's like they see a big sack of money sitting there. Of course

they're gonna try and get you to marry her. Her family would be completely stupid not to say no he's abusive to you on TV. Like if he's like that to you on TV what does he like off of TV? But we would never insinuate that Rakell's family out of all families would be completely stupid because that would be unpathomable. So, uh, basically the dad hugged James and said welcome to the family, but it wasn't an official yes. And so essentially James has now, he's very inspired to make Rakell's dad proud, which means he's just gonna yell at Rekel more and then be like, I'm saying so, I'm trying to be better. I don't know why I do these things.

I get so angry Lisa. He's like, my name's not even Lisa. I know, I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for you, I'm Lisa. So then everybody starts packing for Palm Springs and we go over to La La's house. And I'm really shocked by La La's suitcase. I'm surprised she doesn't have the real house why it's stack of lilies.

Yeah, I was surprised too. That was I noticed that. I was like, well look at this run T suitcase. So yeah, and we do get some more tricky monocle of like, my way, my way, it's my life, and I do my way, my way. So maybe like that suitcase is just Lala doing it her way, just keeping it real, you know? Yeah. Oh So she's like, oh my god, friends look at this. Aishin and I are gonna match with our crop tops And he's like, she's like eight weeks old. Come on. You can't do that to her So she goes before I had ocean I just have this bag that was filled with like booty shorts and crop tops and now one side is full of mom jeans And the other side has ocean stuff and my breast bump guys. It's called having a baby I don't know if anyone's ever done it before but like just come to me for some like really cool observations

I used to be this girl with a closet and now I'm this girl with like a closet and a baby Except for baby now, so she's like you know I used to be up until like one in the morning and now like 10 o'clock, I like have to go to sleep. Like wow, Lala. Wow, what an observation. He's like, well, look, I don't know, but this swimsuit, I don't know if you can take this because remember a target we bought this and the senses is still on.

She's, you know, why am I set by that round? Because we walked off and it was beeping and you said it was nothing. He's like, what's my fault? What did you see the person put it in the bag? Couldn't you have said to them that you were the person who put it in the bag? It was self-checkout. This has got to be the way that Randall produces movies, right? Like, hey, so we have some notes.

The story literally doesn't make sense. And actually the characters, I feel like you've just taken a bunch of pages from different scripts and put them together and said this in the script. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, whatever, let's do it again, self check out, come on, we're gonna go. I know, he's like trying to walk past the director's chair and it just starts to be being like, sir.

I think this entire project has been stolen from other projects. Come on, come on, what are you gonna do? Sir, I think that this script actually has one of those security things from Target on it. Yeah, yeah, whatever. The bullet got paint all over the script. Yeah, yeah, just, we'll shoot around that.

We'll use the dialogue we can see. We're gonna do great Gatsby, but great Gatsby was a whore, and the whore is played by a Pacino for five lines. All right, figure the rest out. Okay, here's the figure the rest out. Okay, let's figure the rest out. Bruce Willis gonna come in, shoot fucking Daisy, slap Zoe, and then she'll be a Zelda, and then the begun, okay?

Is there even a Zelda? Is that just Gatsby's love interest? I don't know, or I don't know. All I really know from Gatsby is what I've learned from housewives shows, housewives parties, and below deck. Yeah, below deck dinners, right? Yeah. Um, so, uh, so Lala, so tomorrow, guys, Lala's gonna find out if she's a New York Times bestselling author, which at this

point, I feel like every, every author, like legitimate author is like having a panic attack, like, oh my god, if Lala becomes best-selling author and me with my You know MFA from baits college or something And not my book that I spent 15 years working on and characters and like a forward by you like the ghost of Susan Sontag If I'm not a best-selling author but Lala is I'm just gonna throw myself off a bridge I know and Mama tells, I did everything I could to be a New York Times best-selling author. Have you ever written anything?

Like, usually that's what the, you would start it. Is you write a lot of things, and you become good at writing, until you're so good that people are like, oh my God, this writer wrote a book, and I'm excited about it. You didn't do everything. You went on a bunch of fucking podcasts, okay? Yeah, she goes I even went in stores to sign books don't even ask me to I just went and signed books and they weren't even my books I I signed a bonfire of the vanities I I I signed a textbook I signed I signed you know

Like a java for dummies Color purples because I really love that color. I look really fucking hot. So she's like it's a huge accomplishment if I make it and if I don't I'm gonna be really sat-rant. I mean really upset if I don't do it. Well, I'm gonna be there. I love her like New York Times best-selling author privilege. I'm throwing privilege around a lot today. I think it's again, like, I was... Well, it's fitting, man. So last night, so I have to, like,

It's fitting, be angry, yeah. Systems of, you know, but, um, but her being, like, crying almost like she's entitled to being on the New York Times best-selling list, like, which is this huge accomplishment, like, like, she's on TV and she's pretty, so therefore, she should be on this list. It's just yeah amazing

She's like, you know, I'm pretty black or white with things rants so like you know with Palm Springs Like I'm in the gray with Ariana cuz I was on this podcast and I was asked about her and I was like Why are you tripping about me saying I don't care about you? So what she goes She goes, she goes, Ariana was screaming, streaming. As if Lala doesn't scream at everyone, every episode for the past like 15 years of her life.

So she's like, and I couldn't get a word in. And all of a sudden Charlie is chiming in, trying to respond to her. And I had to just, I had to get out of there. I'm like, no, you were kicked out. And the only thing that kept me from drowning her in that body of water in her backyard was the thought of my kid at home. Okay, I'm like, or that you would have taken someone's life.

You know, like the way that she wove, like I have a kid at home into this. So awkward and clunky because like, potentially like homicidal narrative. I would have murdered her, but then I realized, Ocean never got to try out her new crop top. So I had to get out. And he's like, I really...

That might stop me from being on the New York Times best out of the list, okay? So then we got a villa rose, where Lisa's wearing an apron and moving flowers in the backyard, cutting them. And did you notice that Hanky and Panky, there's clearly a West Side story thing going on in that pond because there was like some like not chicken wire but you know like mesh up between the white swans and the black swans.

Oh really? Yeah, so I noticed that the white sw side of the mess. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- she wants them to take this giant water jug of flowers and just put them on the bar top. I'm like, what is Lisa's obsession with putting enormous planters on bar tops? You know, there's a functional reason why we have a bar and it's not for flowers. It's for people to put their drinks on so you can, people can sit there and order more drinks. And I hope they didn't come on this motorcycle

but it sounds like they did because she's like, what you need to do is take these to TomTom and don't let them spill. They can't fall over and Tom's like, I'll have them on my lap. I'm like, are you driving the motor cycle? And so she stands Tom Schwartz over to fill with water, but that's all she gives him instructions. She's like, here, put water in these. And he's like, there's a tap of water. Water, to the water.

Do you know what water is? To the faucet, a faucet, to the right. To the right, no, no, not the pool. To the right, you're getting warmer. Water, cold, cold. Let me phrase this in ways that make sense to you. See, Bass, that's called, Gorgeous Balls is Warm.

No, oh, he's asleep. He's asleep. He's just sleeping on the horsepen. So, Tom's like, I gotta tell you something without shorts around, bro. And he's like, wow, you painted the war's house. I'm gonna buy it. That's Ken.

I'm gonna violate my trust with James. He's proposing to Everkall and Palm Springs. I wrote in Palm Springs. Even that would be a better name for your part. Palm Springs is a great name for a bar actually. Oh my God, we're coming up with so many. And they get doozy's today. I make it like Palm Springs.

Like Palm Springs. You did decor? Yeah. Yeah. So these are like, well, I'm very happy for them. But I'm worried. For characters is the best. And I hope she comes up to that place. And I hope that he comes up to that place. And is the person that he wants to be. And like, it's not going to happen.

It's like 670, it's not happening. Since last week when he called your son a fat, effing cut fitness. Was he, was he energy? And then Schwartz comes back and he goes, oh, if reincarnation is a thing, I wanna come back as a turtle at Vilarosa, at least he goes, well that's ambitious.

I know, the turtle works harder than you, sir, okay. And it's like, by the way, the laziest plan I know the turtle works harder than you sir, okay? And it's like, by the way, the laziest plan of reincarnation, not just like to be a turtle is a little bit on the lazy side for like a reincarnation goal, but like a turtle at Villarisa, he literally wants to do nothing in the next life. He just wants to come back as the slowest animal on earth and already have a house that he doesn't have to pay for, you know.

Oh, so Tom's like, I'm gonna be a lawyer because... So she can write you? Yeah, this show wasn't too... Six years ago. So she's like, that's too easy. All right, now how is he going into business with each other? How are you? Well, I'm supporting you.

Just because I'm cutting flowers doesn't mean I can't start some crap. All right, let's talk about what a bitch Katie is. Anyone, anyone. So there's Tom's like, oh, oh, oh, I'm trying not to say anything. Yeah. And he's like, dude, so Katie was like, you know, asking me about the name.

And she told me the idea was very uninspired. And so Lisa's like, well, me about the name and she told me the idea was very uninspired. And so Lisa's like, what is the name? Is it something like sexy, unique, bar sub? And she says, they tell her and she's like, not impressed. And she goes, well, I've always been very passionate about names. Did I blanka? TomTom Pump. I'm like, he's... You've got Vela Blanca. A Vela that's white, sir, sex-eunique restaurant. Even my children, Pandora, box foot of mysteries, max.

The number of things allowed and expressed check out lane or all the amount of weight you can carry on an airplane. Hmm. All right, one off that one. but the rest of them are really good, but shorts and sandies. I love that she says she's passionate about names and she uses pump as an example, as if pump is, first of all, it's part of your own name.

And second of all, it's just such a pump. It's like, it doesn't really have much artistry to it. So yeah, so shorts is like well Yeah, it feels on his part which oh, I think those are my words. I think oh, yeah They were kind of rub me the wrong way and I ask aided a plant to see you to doubt oh By the way, could you imagine were like a business partner and this is how they operate? Oh my god So it gets even worse so now he admits that he actually told Katie to say it was uninspired, which literally, and it's terrible, so shitty,

but also so hilarious because it really is so short. So Tom's like, well, I mean, if you wanted to do that, you don't have Katie Maloney come at me, Lego lady, all right? The lady who does like coloring coloring books by by number because she's too lazy to even pick the colors for the coloring book. Have Lisa Vanderpump someone who's opinion I actually respect come at me. Yeah, and she just Lisa, because why are you such a pussy? You know, this is a dog house, not a cat house.

So then James is getting the ring ready and he's showing you a little dog the ring and He's nervous and then ariana is like packing her fanny pack It finds a jolly rancher. Yeah, and then over at sir Lisa walks in and walks up to Charlie's oh Hello, you look remarkably casual, so who are you? Are you here to sell telephone books? We'll take three please. No, I actually work here.

And I actually just got off work from brunch and now I'm like heading to Palm Springs. Oh, you're going with all of them. Do they know who you are? Will you be welcomed? Could be very awkward. So, well, I just want to relax in weekend. I'm just like, oh, the only thing relaxed about that group.

Are there morals? Get it! Get it! Alright, now here's what you're going to need. You're going to need a large SUV. Make sure there's room for dogs. Make sure that there's water for James. Uh, I'm actually, I'm not the Uber driver.

Oh! Oh! Who are you again? Yeah. So then we go to Sheena and Brock's and Sheena's like, my mom got some her oldened boy-grab. For Palm Springs, she's gonna vomit in 10 minutes. Ah, that's what we got to me off at.

Mwah! Mwah! All right, Sheena, I've got to go off and give our baby a hit exercise training and She'll be back a little bit with lots of vomit on her little sweatshirt. Okay. So then shorts and Katie are packing and he's like Look, Papa. I appreciate you going to bat for me But that conversation really didn't go well. He said you were being condescending and she's like, Baba, I was just saying it can be better than that

We're being condescending and she's like, Bubba, I was just saying it can be better than that. I know, Bubba, you just need to help it out in chat. You know, we need to be a united front. She's like, what is this? What about us, you know? You're just, no, no, no, no. Of course, we're a united front, but Bubba, I'm like, I'm like talking about like the new spot

where we're more of an American Airlines front, Bubba. And she's like, he wants me to put a doubt in his mind. I did just that. And now he wants me to apologize for it. He's like, don't beat dismissing. God, who's it am? It am. Yeah.

And she's like, one pretty sure, Tom and I were the ones who said, till death do us part, not him and sand of all. Yeah, guess what? And when you did that, this restaurant wasn't even existing yet. Get out. No one hired you. Yeah, so Schwartz is like, well, we'll be in mom's brings. There'll be palm trees. And like, let's have sex. Do. And she's like, eh, could you just eh, honey, that hurts. Buh, buh, buh, buh. So then Jameson Raquel just

drive. And this is a very like beginning of the season like we can do this without the rest of the cast Look how much fun we're having cuz they're just driving in their car going And then they drive off the road as Raquel gets hypnotized by the windmills on the side of the highway And then they drive off the road as Raquel gets hypnotized by the windmills on the side of the highway So they start arriving at this rental and Palm Springs and start talking about how they're gonna do the rooms and Katie's like Tom We can stand a little bad. I'm not gonna complain. I'm not gonna complain I'm not gonna complain Yes, where it talks about how Katie when is usually easy, which is a lie and but when it comes to travel She wants first class and I was really I just assumed that show the clip of her that time when when Schwartz got the upgrade to first class

He took it and she was like, oh, no, that's mine And then they got a huge fight because of it. So Everyone is like very happy. They're all there and Charlie arrives, and then everyone meets in the kitchen, and we learn that there's going to be tonight. There's going to be a fashion show, and then tomorrow night is going to be something else, and two nights from now will be like a Coachella, and that Rand and Lala are going to be like two doors down, et cetera, et cetera. And so speaking of Rand and Lala, we then go over to Randall and Lala and their rental. Yeah, so Lala gets a call from her agent.

She's like, oh my God, hi, mama's, or whatever, I'm their agent's like, calling to let you know some news. Unfortunately, you did not make the New York Times best seller list. And she's like, you know what, it's crazy? I had a feeling I wouldn't. Like, really? Oh, Lala, oh, this just in.

Unfortunately, let me consult. You also did not make the USA today best seller list or the, let's see, what is it? Penny Saver says close, but not quite there. So I'm sorry. And the fearless flyer from Trader Joe's says, you are recommended, but also not a bestseller list there. Sorry, we tried everything we could, Lala.

Unfortunately, you're not even recommended on your own Instagram front page, which is aggregated using hashtags you set, and every single post you set has your hashtag, am I? Sorry. Unfortunately, Lala, I just can tell us to do with my son and his fake newspaper. He made this morning.

You didn't make it there, are you there, sorry. Unfortunately, I just called DoorDash to send you a pizza to make you feel better and they didn't even know who you are. So. So Lala's like, yeah, so Lala, did you say this, So Lala's like, yeah, so Lala, did you say this, which goes, you know what? So crazy. I had a feeling I wouldn't make it.

Really, what gave you that feeling, Lala, the fact that you've never written a book before and that like not a lot of people care about your life story? So Natasha says, you should be really proud of the effort that you put in. And by effort, I mean, your ghost writer, or you should really think your ghost writer and send them a tip. Yeah. And she's like, I don't know why I'm so emotional, but I'm extremely proud of the books.

So thank you for making my dream come true. And she tells us, not making that list has definitely dented my ego. Like, I feel extremely rejected. She's just upset because Stasi made the list and she didn't, because she's sort of always doing what Stasi does. So then Randall is like, you know what, I want you to know something because I can't keep secrets, okay?

I made a big cake. And she's like, oh, did you, which by the way is something he probably says a lot of times, like in most situations, just so you know, I made a big cake. But he probably usually means like the toilet, you know. You don't believe what came out of there, okay. And she's like, please, Jay, it doesn't say congrats

on being a New York Times best seller, because I'm like totally rejected. And he's like, he's the funny thing. He did, and I called the place, because I get nervous, you know, and I didn't want to have to scrape the icing off. So I just said, you know, la la. It just says like, la la, love you vagina.

But he has the good news. The text that was supposed to be on the cake, we've repurposed it and subscribed for my next movie, okay? So it all worked out. So then Charlie comes over and she shows her wacky Vanderpump prop, which is her makeup, her esthetician mannequin head or whatever that she learned about. Buffy, yeah, because she's going to, she's like, she just finished her finals from esthetician school.

And so, yeah, she's, yeah, so we have that, which is like, I really, I really, really like Charlie a lot, but this was not, that's lame. I don't need her to do prop combat. Yeah, that's lame. So Lala is like, Buffy, I'm like, oh no, it doesn't recall, say this, where she's like, I'm sorry, but if this mannequin reflects anything

she's learned from school, you are not touching these brows And so tonight's theme is gonna be off the runway fashion show styles and fashions You would see only in the highest fashion runways in Milan or my closet and pickleball and pickleball Tomorrow's pickleball that was the one I couldn't remember. It's more like I blocked it out So it was pickle ball and then we have Coachella and all that stuff So I don't even know what pickle ball is home. Let me look it up and read the definition pickle ball I'm Teddy. I'm Teddy. I'm Teddy. I'm Teddy. Yeah, I still don't really get it, but I'm Teddy, I'm Teddy. Yeah, I still don't really get it,

but rely on you guys. Yeah, so no. Fear the height, fear the height. There's a nice little tricky moment, you know? Yeah. Really expressing the heat of Palm Springs. And the girls are dancing in the pool and Tom and Ariana playing Cornhole.

And then Schwartz is like, well, we've got good vibes. It's like high frequency. Like, hey, but before Lalaartz is like, whoa, we've got good vibes. It's like high frequency. Like, hey, before Lala here gets here, Ariana, have you guys talked? Because I really think that there's enough there worth fighting for. And she's like, we're gonna have fun.

Period. And Charlie says, I'm just confused how people are like, I'm grown, I have a baby. And then they say shit like that. And it's like, we gotta pick a lane, okay? Like literally I've dealt with girls like Lala all before and then Charlie says I Groping bar stow, okay, and let me tell you I've had guns put to my head before because I know gangsters And Lala is not one of them trust me when I say

She's like it is laughable when they say when someone says they're gonna redirect their rage at me. Like, go for it. I'm like, oh, okay. You're the newest badass on Vanderpump rules. She's gonna fold like a house of cards. Spoil or alert. So then everyone's getting ready for this fashion show, which I haven't said it 9,000 times yet.

I don't approve of this. But I do like that Katie dresses in the most Katie way ever. Everyone else is like trying to like look crazy. And then Katie just wears like a robe over like a rock shirt, you know? Yeah. And so Randall and La La show up with the cake and La La is like hi, Jamison and he goes oh Congratulations on your book by the way. I heard you were in the running to be a New York Times best seller I mean to be fair anyone can be a best seller. I mean even Stasi was a best seller I mean to not be a best seller would be absolutely ridiculous I'd be like trying to split a salad without a fee. You know what I'm saying?

I mean who doesn't become the best seller in the New York Times? Am I right, everyone? Am I right? Mm-hmm. And she's like, let's not celebrate that, but I'm proud. So she walks off and Schwartz is talking to Randall, who's just like in a simple black shirt. And he's like, whoa Rand, you're like doing the Zuckerberg. I'm not on that level yet.

And he's like, yeah, yeah, you know what? We need to talk about your business, all right? Because they didn't let me invest. Can you believe that? They didn't let me invest in their business, huh? And then we get a flashback of like the Tom saying that they took out, you know, home equity loans and that Tom's hand of all's mom invested in no one else.

And sort of like, wow, the fact that you would even offer that, I mean, I didn't even think you were being serious. He's, ah, don't do that, don't do that. You're, you're shwatch shuffling right now. Don't do the shwatch shuffle with me. Yeah, by the way, also, I like that, I mean, isn't Steve Jobs the one who famously were Black Shirt every day? I know, I look this up. Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Zuckerberg apparently wears a gray shirt every day but I feel like it's Steve Jobs who is like most famous for black every day so that just goes to show you like that

We're the black turtle neck so somewhere in there I was like a mock somewhere in there Yeah, so then Brock and Sheena come over and he's like in a like a kimono dress type thing with the big kimono fan and And um, she was like, Brock literally is a jack of all trades. He cons, he claims, he is owns. I don't know if he can hang a TV in under seven minutes,

but I don't think he's gonna draw. And we see footage of Brock at our sewing machines. He has the fun tip with sewing, let the machine do all the work, don't pull it through with an afterwards, you smash the machine with your fist and turn into a workout. Get two pieces of cloth, put them between your thighs, and squeeze until they're so terrified that they promise to stick together forever.

So now it's time for the fashion walkoff and it's it's I It's terrible and hard to watch it's terrible, but they were all boring and not not funny Well, that's good goes on for a long time because we're almost at 55 minutes anyway, so they have fun Okay, but it is funny that the they all have score things to score But the only person that Tom is looking at is his own he would he doesn't look at anybody else's score the only person that Tom is looking at is his own. He doesn't look at anybody else's score. And Katie's so mad. And Katie's like, she's like,

oh, well of course, Sandevol came up with a contest, Taylor to a theme heat pack, made himself a contestant, a host, and it's the only judge. I wonder who's gonna win. And I think you're the only one who's actually taking this contest seriously right now. Yeah, but it is funny.

And then James is like, and the winner is Tom Sandeball. She has shocker. So then Lala is telling Katie, she's like, oh my god, look at that cover. It's the hottest I've ever felt. And Katie's like, how are you feeling about being here? She's like, no idea because everyone's coming at me

from all angles. Like, did she say anything, Ariana? Like is she mad?, Arianna? Like, is she mad? Is she past? Like... Yeah, and Katie goes, well, I think you guys are coming from like two different places. Like, you're coming from a very nuanced perspective.

And by nuanced, I'm just saying that because I actually don't know the definition of the word because if I did know the definition of the word, I definitely would not use it in this context. But you're coming from a nuanced perspective and she's coming from a, I thought, we were cool. I have no idea where this is coming from perspective. Um, and my wife points it, Charlie, and she goes, yeah, well, she was quite steady bombing

the other night. Like, you had your feelings. I just can't. I just can't. So now food arrives and Charlie makes herself her own little sandwich. And, um, uh, and so they're all sitting at the table and Randall starts up with the toms and he's like, so what's the name of the bio?

What's the bio opening? Because if I were invested, if I were allowed to invest, you know, and Lala's like, okay, Rand, you know what, you weren't, you're not, they didn't want you to invest. It's okay, it's okay, Rand. Nah, and it's not acceptable, and that's the problem I have with shorts. He's giving me the short shuffle. Have I said that yet? Short shuffle and he's pretending he wants me in. Like he doesn't even know where the bar is. Where's your bar? Where's your bar? What am I even investing in?

No, and that kind of all is like, sir, you're already fucking someone to get on TV. Okay, no one with a brain would take any money from you. You know this guy is Shade Hizhel and would try and launder his shit through there and then come and just eat like free double chicken sandwiches every day and bring a whole like crew and meetings in and expect to have everything for free all the time. No sir, even the thoms are smart enough not to let your ass in this store. They are and watching Rans Hollywood producer Ego be totally dented, it's just the way La La was dented by The New York Times, is great because he's pissed off.

This is such a producer thing to, you know, like now start to belittle Schwartz, who admittedly does deserve it. So he's like, SantaVall says that he made a deal with his mom and stepdad and they requested no other partners. And so Randall's like, well, thank you for being honest

and straight up and letting me know where you would and we wouldn't interested. Okay, you swatz on the other hand, you're not my friend right now, okay? You're not my friend. I'm not good at this stuff, I'm shrinking. He's like, so come on, tell me what your bar is, pitch us.

They don't have to pitch you because they're not interested in you being a part of it. But nice try. Go produce your own reality show, sir. You're not getting a spin off of like Rand rules, okay? Nobody cares. Yeah. Only person can care.

Exactly. It's a person who fucked you for a range Rover, okay? You've already impressed her and bought her her little cake or whatever. Now, shuffle off. He just wants to make shorts uncomfortable. He is one of these producers who clearly is a, I'm gonna yell and belittle because it's gonna make them become more of a man.

Like it'll strengthen him up, you know? And so, shorts are like, oh it's complicated. What do you mean it's complicated, okay? I'll tell you what complicated is, putting words on a kick, that's complicated, okay? You know what's complicated? I don't try to get Bruce Willis to show up for a scene on the days got a teeth cleaning all right? That's complicated

You know what's complicated trying to adapt the label on this peanut butter into a script for Bruce Willis It can be done, but it's complicated He's like sure, so I don't even think you're evolved. I don't think even think you're evolved in the theme And it's like oh my god. he's being so mean, right? That's what we're all thinking. And short, it's like, yes, I am. The theme is what Tom and Katie say. He's like, ah, you're not involved at all.

So the producer asks him. So what's the concept in short, it's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, don't do this to me. Oh, God, oh, God. Oh, God. This guy is like, isn't fearing. He's like, he's been hearing. Like you've been handed everything and you still can make zero effort. At this

point, I think Tom should just dump Schwartz. He doesn't do shit anyway. Actually work with Katie. Katie would probably at least do something. I mean, she at least put up a website for that bubble and powder. Bup-puk and powder and powder. Pup-pup and poop-pup and powder. And so Randall's like, you never should bring Schwartz to a mediaeva. Okay, I should have talked to Tom from the beginning because I know he's a decision maker. So Lala turns to Katie and is like, do you feel like my man's being mean to your man's? Like, do you

want me to tell him to shut up and kid? He's like no he can handle it, which is a lie shorts can't handle it But kiddie just is like mad that she was sold up the river by him So she's like an old basically punishment. Yeah, and she's like I absolutely wish shorts would be more assertive But I wish you would have more confidence in talking about something. He's obviously very passionate about and he's like Well, I'm happy for you sand Sandival. All right, but not you shorts. And Tom is like, thanks, dude. And if we ever get into a bind,

I swear we're gonna call you. Which at that point, Sandival should be like, now sticking up for his partner a little bit, I think. I think that Rand has now pushed it a little bit too far. At some point, you should be like, that's my business partner. And like, I still stand behind them, right? Well, you can't do anything. I don't, I don't because shorts is just such a was like shorts is such a non-factor in everything.

You know, it's like he is a was he's so frustrated. What's going to business with? Yeah, yeah, but I feel like do something your son is already dragging. He's already dragging sand of all around, like literally dragging him around and placed to place, like handing this guy a life. And this guy can't even answer questions that to him or just say, fuck off, it's none of your business, you know?

Like he's an adult. How much do you have to say for an adult? And Rand says, well, he says to shorts, don't speak, I'm not investing in you, I'm investing in your partner. And then he says, shorts is being such a little bitch lately. I'm like lately, what is lately? Is that the past 10 years because that makes, you know, that that qualifies.

So then Lala is like so James, are you going back to DJ at Sir Ever? And he's like, oh, well, you know, my God, you know, you know, he's long story short, right? Me and Max got onto a big argument. And basically, I just lost it, alright? Basically I had to slip up, I had to slip up and then it cuts to you. Alright, let me read this to my son, you're fat, nobody likes you, you're miserable cut fitness and you always have been, come outside, you fat prick. You know, things got heated very quickly and my anger got a best of me.

Yes, I had a slip off, but I just respected Lisa's song and I couldn't go back to her right now. And everyone goes, oh, like, oh, you did it again. Oh, it was definitely a test that I failed. So I'm like, we're in math class. Am I right, everyone? High five, we're good. High five, we're good. We have ice cream and not you, Rick out.

So then it's James and Rick out in a double interview together. And he's like, we don't want to be that couple. I'm the one bringing it down, and I'm always causing trouble. And then she's always gotta come in and like, put a cap on me. It fix my mistakes. No, it reflects badly on me.

Like, yeah, it doesn't look bad that she's trying to fix your mistakes and apologize for you It looks bad for you that you're still such a jackass that you're pushing over heat lamps and restaurants over a split salad James Yeah, she goes they reflect badly on me too because I can be the sweetest person But people will be like your boyfriend's a little crazy and like well Maybe it's time for a new boyfriend. Yeah So um they ask if they can repair it and I'm sure it's like you know what but like they maybe two years ago James

Papa I would have been like this is a broken record and like only half listening, but you've made leaps and downs since then And now Lala so now Lala decides to make it about her. So she goes, well, I just want to know real quick because this is strange to me because like him saying all this and everyone's like, oh, well, things happen. But then the way I've acted, I did not gain the, get the same response. I mean, I acted that way to recal just two years ago.

And everyone was like, oh, you need to muzzle yourself, bitch, and get back in your cage. Well, actually, people said that to James too, and they were like, you need to kind of get sober because you're out of control. And so they're actually, like, James was ostracized all last season because of his behavior, but also because of you,

like, ostrac, you know, like keeping everybody from coming in. They're trying to support him on a sobriety journey right now. And Lala, when those points that you talk about were also when you were like not sober, and I'm not making. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm and people were still your friends after you went off on everybody. In fact, they lifted you up more than ever. They actually let you into the witches of WeHo kind of or whatever their thing was. So they did. She's ridiculous. So she's like, yeah, I mean, the way that you acted at Sheena's birthday

was disgusting, Ariana. And how the hell is Charlie backing up, Ariana? I'm like, oh, she's just confused. And Charlie's like, I'm backing up Ariana because of what I'm seeing. I mean, I'm not judging on the last five years because I don't care what happened in the last five years. And she like, then you've got no skin in this skin. Baby. And Charlie goes, what do you mean I have no skin? I'm still here at the fucking table. And Lolly goes, I see you. I see you. you and Charlie goes Well, I'm allowed to say what I want to say because you're not the only one that's allowed to say things

But here's what I want to say to you. I'm what are you saying tell me so I can try to understand you She's like let me speak bitch So don't you call me a bitch because if you want to play this fucking game with me we can play this fucking game Enough enough because if you want to play this fucking game with me, we can play this fucking game. Enough, enough. This is very like season one audition of Real Housewives. I loved it. I loved it because I actually felt like Charlie. Like, I think that Charlie actually was like,

no, you're not allowed to talk like that to me, okay? And law is like, enough, just don't tell me enough that there's one person you can't fucking play with and that's fucking me. And then- A lot of ghosts. This is so cute. This sounds like me, she's skipping me Lala. Am I please don't like try to promote your book in the middle of this fight?

So- So I know before you were hinting at that you felt that Charlie folded- I actually think Lala folded, I think in that moment Lala folded because she sort of became made like- she sort of pulled back and made like a little joke. And that gave Charlie the opening to say, and now I have the floor to be melodramatic. Whether it warranted or not,

I actually think it was actually a warranted melodrama. And she goes, you know, I've been really nice to everyone in this group, even when you're mean to me, Lala, I've been so nice. And she's like, I've never been mean to you. And she's just going, Kai, stop, fine, your old partners, everybody's a partner now.

And Charlie's like, you called me a moron on the internet before I even met you, Lala. And if we see the tweet where Lala can't says, she's a fucking moron. And Lala goes, yeah, but you said carbs make you gain weight. Yeah. And Charlie says, you want another real reason why I don't need pasta?

We can do it right now, which by the way, one of my favorite phrases, do you want another real reason why I don't need pasta? We can do it right now, buddy. I know. If it weren't like, if this moment weren't actually rooted in childhood trauma for her, it would be like actually a pretty amazingly hilarious, wonderful moment. But it actually has some, this is something we actually found out last season after we had, of course, gone on the record with our pod. He has made fun of her talking about pasta

and then we found out about this, which comes the air right here, Charlie's saying that she has issues with her food and she's like, you guys, I didn't come here until I've won my family trauma, but there's a reason why I don't eat things. And so Brock gets up and starts coming from her and be like, it's all raw, it's all raw. We can do some hit, hit, hit

training to work this out of you. Come on, it's all raw. It's all raw. Yeah, she does this big thing about this trauma because she was forced to eat certain things as a kid. And if she did, she didn't, she would get in trouble. And it wasn't like normal. Other kids got to go to your room or don't have dessert, but my punishment was more intense and that's not easy to deal with as a child. I don't know really what any of that means.

Here's what I do know. Charlie, in this clip they showed of when they were making comments and we were, everyone was making comments because it was hilarious. She said, I have this theory that pasta is the reason why everyone like gains weight. And Danik goes, yeah, duh, because carbs. That's it. Yeah. That's it. It was like

a little tiny thing. I don't know why it has to turn into this huge thing about it. Like a lot of people say pasta makes you gain weight. I don't really understand this whole. Yeah. Well, I mean, admittedly being like dumbstruck that pasta makes you can't wait is kind of funny and nobody was making fun of your trauma nobody knew about it so I'm kind of with Lala on that. I think there was but there was also like and Charlie had said something but I think she had never had an avocado or something or she but but then it turns out I don't know is one of these things where it just kind of felt like we found a way after the fact that she has like intense childhood trauma which is not elaborated on at least on the show maybe offline she has and I haven't looked it up but she clearly has issues around food that are dark and

so law and she's basically saying it right now. She's basically like, I have issues with food. And Lala's like, well, I didn't ask the question. And Charlie's like, well, you made statements about it. And it's not nice. And then Lala's like, well, everyone did. Everyone did. As if like, if anyone ever had that response to Lala, like, well, everyone was saying it.

You know Lala would just lose her mind. But now, of course, she's the one, you know, Sanlo, everyone said these things, everyone said, just to say, Lala, I don't think I'm particularly myself properly. So Lala's a hypocrite. Oh, it's a fucking hypocrite. Yeah, there we go.

So Charlie goes in crying and Brock and she and go in with her and she's doing like that wiping her eyes thing, but her nails are so long that it's like, don't help me, you know? Like, please, keep your fucking kabob sticks away from my fucking eyes, thank you. So then Charlie tells us, you know, it makes her think when people question her food choices,

it's like being four years old again. So then Mala is not so going, am I supposed to know why she doesn't eat pasta? I mean, my god. I'm so sorry. Which is such a vanderpuff rules fight. I'm sorry. Yeah, and then like moments later,

so basically, you know, Lala goes in and finds her, like, look, I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what you've been through, which is funny because we literally just saw a clip of Lala yelling at someone saying, my dad just died. So like you expect people to read your mind

of what you're going through. Right, so Charlie's like, look, well get to know me then, because everyone else before you just makes assumptions, you know, it's like I understand where it's coming from, like maybe you should understand where it's coming from before you make statements like she's a dumb bitch. And she goes, but yeah, but look,

bitch just flies out of my mouth like fried chicken crumbs fly out of rants. I can't promise I'm never gonna call you a bitch again. She goes, but then don't. She's like, but that word just comes out of my mouth. She's like, then take it out of your mouth. She goes, she goes, the bitch flies out of my mouth like the word,

I need a periae. I was like, what? Did I hear that correctly? I need a periae. So maybe it was something else totally that I've just heard as I need a periae or maybe That's what she said in that moment. Yeah, that's what she said. So then law was like it's the password ever bitch And then we see like a bitch montage of law. I just sing bitch like mine be thousand times set to ode to joy Yeah, which is funny because ode joy is famously used in Die Hard starring Bruce Willis. And every housewives coming this season on the real house.

Yes, like 90% of them are like, so it ends with BAMPY, I BITCH. Yeah, and Lala's like, you know what? Just know that if you sit in a pittian, I don't like. I might come out of pocket for you. And Charlie's like, well, that's not fair. I feel like we should relate on things more than we dis-relate. Like, well, gosh.

Maybe we should not write off Lala's more on comment. Quite so quickly. So Lala, she's like, I'm gonna give you a hug and I'm not even a hugger. Lala's like, see, I'm a huge hugger. Like, how does this friendship ever gonna work? I'm still team Charlie, like hardcore team Charlie. I'm team No One.

And then some of these things. I'm team fucking do something. I love Charlie. I love Charlie. I'm not sorry. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure was, that's happened. I'm not, okay, I'm not, now I'm, now I'm not making any sense. I saw what happened. We now we saw what happened when that last happened. Yeah, whatever. But I'm fine. Pick a ball. Here's my pick a ball tournament with and it's the whole ball open. I can't with this. That's my final. Yeah, special fonts, special music, will be special costumes. I'm sure Don't need it Do you have all right guys? Thanks so much for listening and for those of you who watched thanks for watching

We will be back tomorrow with some the real housewives of Beverly Hills season finale so sad and our bonus this week We're gonna be talking about lots of TV So stay tuned for that. That's also on Patreon. Thanks everyone for listening and don't forget by the way Mondays we do our green room Spotify green room show from 7 to 8 on the West Coast 10 to 11 on the East Coast. So much fun. We'll talk about all sorts of things. And you know what? Rest in peace. Coco, okay. Bye everyone. Bye. Watch what crap ends. Would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King! Asli Savoni, she don't take no baloney!

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