Watch What Crappens - RHOA: Dungeons & Draggin' - Also, Top Chef and Married To Med LA

Episode Date: March 11, 2019

We're here at SXSW in a crappy hotel room, which means it's time to churn out a podcast full of technical issues! First the recording stopped midway through, then our audio suddenly went janky, and then... well... it doesn't matter. Here is our recap of "Real Housewives of Atlanta" and "Top Chef"! Plus, our impressions of "Married to Medicine: Los Angeles." Be sure to buy tickets to our live shows and merch too at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Kristi, why were you dowerty? Asli, Savoni? She don't take nobelone! Aaron, McNickolas! She don't miss no trickle-ists! Megan, the Slayer Taylor! Kelly Barlow! When she goes Barlow, we go high-low!

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Let's get Racy with Miss Stacy. Shannon out of a cabin Anthony! Incredible edible Matthewsisters! And... Mina Kuchikuchi! Watch what crap is! Watch what crap is! Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is!

What crap is? What crap is? I have crap! I have crap! Hey everyone, welcome to Watch Your Crappins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker of the Real Housewares of Kitchen Island. There's a new episode up on YouTube, go find it there, and joining me as usual, very close to me, inches, centimeters apart, we're brushing each other. It's Ronnie Carham from the Rose Prick

Spachler Rose podcast. So we're doing this from our hotel room at South by Southwest. We've had kind of a hell of a time. But we're here. And this is Jinky and we still wanted to get our Patreon. Crapp and on demand up on there So hi, sorry, it looks like shit. What are you gonna do? Yeah? You're all shocked our podcast itself that you're hearing is hopefully sounds perfectly normal But if you're watching this on TV party or if you've watched the on demand on patreon You're like what the hell is going on because right now if you're watching the special if you're watching on TV party It's Ron and I squeezed together

under like a metal rack that is normally like used that cans are put on. The reason why that's even there is because we're in some crazy janky hotel, which is our second hotel, because our first hotel was a crazy janky prison. So we actually had to change. We'll probably talk about all on the bonus episode. Yeah, we'll talk about all on the bonus episode. But we've been here at South by Southwest for about 12 hours total, and it's already been like... It's a lot to take. Yeah, it's a mess.

It's a damn mess. Yeah, and of course this week when we come to South by Southwest, we're here for three days. And it's a two-night Bachelor finale, which means I have to get my ass back here and record at midnight, two nights in a row. So I'm missing so much of South by Southwest. Now all that complaining out of the way, so far it's really fun. I love being back in Austin, the food's really good,

the people are really nice, so lots of food, there's a lot of hot people. We'll talk about South by Southwest. We're gonna do a bonus episode later this week where we're just gonna plop ourselves down right in the middle of all the action and then just like talk about what we're seeing. Yeah, you know, we're gonna,

the hipsters that walk by, the tech bros, we're gonna talk about all of that. So that we're probably gonna record that, I think, on Wednesday. So we're gonna do like a mall episode. Yeah, it might be too sad. We'd love to do where we just walk around and record, but we'll be doing it at South by Southwest.

So check Patreon, you know, you know the drill. Yeah. And then we'll see you guys in Cincinnati this weekend. Our first recap is going to be Summer House at the early show, which some people hate that show. And listen, I don't care. I don't blame you. Yeah, it's a really fun one to recap.

Yeah, even if you hate it, you're gonna love seeing it live because we've never done it live. So we're like super excited. And the thing is this, we have so much fun when we do summer house. It's not like summer has to great show, but it is great for us to recap because it's just like making fun

of like really basic white people. And like who does not enjoy that? Who does not enjoy that? Okay. Yeah, they're the base models. Like when you go buy a new Toyota, they're like cloth seats. Yeah. And no mats on the floor. Like they are base. Okay. Yeah, they're the base models like the new go buy a new Toyota. They're like cloth seats Yeah, and no mats on the floor like they are base. Yeah, so I'm actually see really really looking forward to that

And then of course our our sold out show is gonna be real houses in New York So once again, we're gonna ask for some of your patients in waiting for that recap to go up on Saturday instead of on Thursday So thanks everyone. Yeah, it's a crazy week for us. I'm out of the way. Wait, and I want to plug one more thing, but this is more, but it's not plug. It's an update on the schedule. On Friday, we're going to recap Project Runway. And we're that's gonna be our second TV party thing of the week. So if you want to watch TV us on TV party It will be on Friday and we'll be doing Project Runway in Cincinnati. Oh, yeah. Home of fashion. Oh, okay. So today we're also another announcement. I hear this is a showing this is announcements announced

important for people to hear. Yeah, this isn't showing. This is just an announcement for today. For right now, what's happening right now? So not only are we doing this from a grocery cart? Okay, we really are. People need to see this is a little different because we're we've got three shows to talk about today. So this from a grocery cart. Okay. We really don't know. People need to see this. This is a little different because we've got three shows to talk about today. So we're not doing a full, you know, thing for every show. We're talking about real housewives of Atlanta a bit. Because let's face it, really the only good part is listening to people talk about

Neenie. I mean, and then we're going to talk a little bit about top chef and the premiere of Maritime medicine Los Angeles. Well, the kind of premiere. Oh, yeah, because apparently it was actually episode two Apparently last week was I thought last week was it was just a special and it doesn't matter The point is we're talking Atlanta top chef and Maritime medicine today and We're just it's gonna be crazy because we're like We're in a crazy we're little when I say we're in a crazy place, it's not emotionally, it's physically. So, emotionally, too, I just came in here to a whole fucking avalanche of family shit.

We haven't even recovered from DC. My family's here in Austin. By the way, I just want to say something really quickly before we dive into these shows. What? Really, I had like DC, that was one of them. That was amazing. That was so amazing. Thank you to everyone who came to our show. Thank you to Chef Michael Voltaggio who showed up. That was so random.

Yeah, even though you left early. Well, yeah. No, no, no, he had a dinner reservation and that is confirmed because my cousin, my cousin Lauren was sitting next to him and apparently he told her that they had a reservation, like before the show started like that. Later. They had a reservation that they had a reservation, like before the show started, like, they had a reservation that's a whole favor for.

It was super cool, like super cool to have such a, like, he's hot. Yeah, so. Sorry, we just called you a douchebag last week. That's what we do. That was before, that was before, just kidding. No, but it was such an awesome audience. Thank you guys so much for welcoming us in.

Like, I'm still like, I haven't even had a chance to recover from that trip. I'm not really bad at it I'm still like I haven't even had a chance to recover from that trip There's so much talking about yeah, I'm not only want to talk about it like I'm basically talking about this because it's either talking about this or talking about like Eva looking through dresses. I can't with even her dresses. Okay, so let's start with our housewives of Atlanta Okay, the starts with Porsche waddling her ass up the street in a sex dress while she's pregnant. Yeah, okay a sex dress It was a sex dress It was a dress that you wear where you can unbuckle the little there's like belts across her pregnancy belly belts across your pregnancy. Yeah, she's got like five other creators of stand tall stand proud voices that care

Stand tall stand proud and tall, stand proud, voices that care. Stand tall, stand proud, built across your pregnancy, a cryin' out loud. Yeah, she had a sexy pregnancy dress on, okay? That's what I mean to say. Yeah. And even Candy was like, where are you dressed like that when you're pregnant?

No. But I'd like that as she's walking, she's like waddling down the street. And as she's doing that, there's like, they're playing like, echoey like like Memories of Neenie haunting Porsche like Neenie scream me out or to get out of the closet and I'm like a

So we're just gonna like not pick up where we left off like like they show all this stuff Neenie pulls the guy sure And we're just like not gonna be like yeah They had to clear the house because Neenie was fucking attacking people Like a monster like the monster that she is who acts like that and then to not apologize But blame it on everyone else and then to go on watch it happens and still blame everybody else. You're a fucking asshole, okay Sorry that no one will say that to your to your face, but you're an asshole, okay? If you need someone to say it to your face get TV party so you can see me looking at you and say you're an asshole You looked away from TV party when you said that though just say no. I had to say it to your face, get TV party. So you can see me looking at you and saying, you're an asshole. You looked away from TV party when you said that though, just so you know. Well, I had to say it to both cameras.

So, so yeah, so she, so basically, Portia and Candy are having lunch with Marlow and everything. And they're just like talking about like the craziness that was that fight, which I don't know. I still don't think it was like that crazy if I think Neenie obviously got mad the cameraman walked in there but they're acting like it was the second coming of the pajama party it really wasn't. Well she went net this because they got off the camera she went nuts and started ripping everybody apart and like beating up the cameraman and apparently she got and I read this from the French magazine with the all long I read this from the French magazine, we're at the all long, but I think,

but she got not censored. What do you call it? Were you getting trouble? Repromanded. Find. It's censored, sort of. Okay, so you know when they get in trouble, they get fined, like Liam Locke and gets fined a lot,

because she'll be like, fuck you Cameroon. And like trying, you know, trying, you know, blow up a trolley if she's mad or whatever. And so Neenie got fined and she's making something like $200,000 in episode. Wow.

And so, that's why she's not in this episode because they were like, you're not gonna be in an episode. So, let's, you know, we'll reward you with $200,000 next week. Have a fun week off. Also, $200,000 and you're not gonna let them walk in. They're paying you $200,000 in episode.

You're not gonna let them walk in. Clean your closet. Clean your closet. Cameras in your house paying you $200,000 an episode You're not gonna like let them walk in your closet clean your closet cameras in your house for $200,000 a week with the fuck Yeah, or also to be more secure Look look, I mean like like I get it like you know So you always want to put your best foot forward, but honestly don't like talk about how like life is hard and and everything and then like Like acting like you're being like really raw and vulnerable But then like you're vain enough that you don't want people to see a messy closet.

But I don't know. I guess, I guess. I know I get it. It's hard to be on her side. I do get it. And I think you're shooting in your bedroom. You're the one who moved everything up to your bedroom because you ditched the party that you were throwing.

Yeah, exactly. Although someone was saying, I feel like someone online said that she had cleaned all, she had like washed all her panties or something and they were hanging. That's what like some rumor online was. So she didn't want all our panties hanging to be heard. Well now we get another thing because Porsche can be shady candy, you know, and I actually

like the candy so out of the closet with her shade. I was very proud of her for not making word of usage. What? Out of the closet with her shading is because she's... of her for not making word of usage. What? Out of the closet with her shading us because she's you see there's a closet for her. I'm proud of her for not having Don Juan show up to be shady for her. That's a big that's a big step. So good for you. But she was shady and she's like so Porsche. What about your belt? You came outside and she's ripping you know you're trying to put your belt back on and Porsche is like do not talk about. Like, man, man, man, man, man, ho, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, like, it's hope, not how. And then Porsche tell us about the belt. And she's like, our friendship will be over.

If I talk about the belt, what is the belt? Some people are saying that Nini ripped the belt off of Porsche. And that's why people are saying she's pregnant. Like you're basically heard, you're strangling pickle baby. OK? When you do things like that. That you take the belt off. Strangling pickle baby. Yeah. Well, you're going to hurt pickle baby. Okay, when you do things like that, that you take the belt off. Pickle, strangling pickle, baby. Yeah. Well, it's gonna hurt pickle, baby. Marlowe, me and Walsh trying to like act all innocent,

you know, because she's worked so hard to get back into Nini's good graces that she's not gonna let something like this like get her on the outside again. So when they're basically talking about Nini trying to attack Porsche, I'm always like, I don't remember. I don't remember. Porsche's like, you ain't throwing bitch. You ain't throwing. Can't throw a bitch. Yeah, I'd like to have, I'd like to see Marlo do a voice of a fish in the next Finding Nemo movie.

Uh-oh. What would she be? She'd be like a manatee. She'd be a fish that comes swimming over really quickly and be like, I just left my hair appointment for this. I'm gonna like, well. I was on standby for this. Um, so, yeah, so they just basically talk about how crazy Neenie was and then we get this belt drama.

So then we go over to, you know, the tryhards over where Eva is sweeping up the glitter from her new wedding dress. It's basically a metaphor for her entire storyline. She spilled glitter everywhere, and then she's souping it up. It was like the promise of something fun and new in shiny and sparkly and instead it's just this thing that goes on and on and on, and you're just trying to get it to go away and it never goes away. Yeah.

So she's, I don't know, I don't care about that. There's nothing else you can do. It just basically like, Shamara comes over and Tony, and Tony's like, I adore you. There's nothing it just basically like Shamara comes over and Tony and Tony is like I A tour you and now we are bonded for life and Shamara's like why please tell me why Because I cleaned up your vomit To get a girl they have your back forever I wish I were a to get a girl You want a vomit right now? Oh, clean it!

I won't clean it to prove what love! By the way, another thing with Portia, because my knock-o back there, is that she also is now upset because she and Candy decided that they were going to handle the Nini situation together and like calibrate their responses, but then Candy the day before texted Nini, and was like, say no, Rani, I'm sorry. It just was, just wanted to see her, I was like, Rani, please, I'm sorry. Such a big deal. And apparently everything's fine between them.

And he means, sorry. And so now Porsche feels some sort of way because she feels like left out, because you know, now like, they were gonna do it together and now they're not. So now she's like, what could you imagine trying to coordinate a text with fucking Porsche? Oh my god. That sounds like bloody hell okay. I'm never even agreed to that. Yeah, but well with the real reason why I

mentioned this is because then we got a flashback of Nini at a reunion three years ago telling Porsche because member one Porsche's whole storyline was that she had anger issues. So it was like Nini telling Porsche like, you can't be putting your hands in other people and she was like, but you did it, you choke so much. But I had this hands not to do it on camera. Which is great. Yeah, I love that it's the hypocrisy about the hypocrisy about the hypocrisy. That's how they show.

That's how many levels deep this show goes. Yeah. So I remember when Neenie was being a hypocrite saying that you were being a hypocrite for saying that violence is hypocritical And then Porsche's like, what? You know now she's acting like oh violence that's terrible I didn't the whole thing culminates with like a bunch of birds fighting and Porsche goes Oh, the birds are fist fighting which is funny because they don't have fists and they weren't even using anything that resembled fists They weren't using their wings. They're just like packing at each other for like a piece of bread

But she's like So then yeah, we're still talking about it because Nini apparently is like the most interesting thing on the show Because she's still such a jackass, but she can't be in this episode It's another just going to talk about it the whole time. Well, of course I have to agree it was pretty entertaining and of course it is funny mentioning The birds reminding Porsche of of Nini's house because there is a bird called the Nini. Oh God does it just attack other birds for no reason? It has it has like like natural hair parties, but still wears a wig

It's a really specific kind of bird. It's like a bird that has like a little yellow cap. Yeah, a little straw wig that it makes for itself in the forest. It turns its nest into its own wig. Yeah. Okay, so then we go over to Eva's house. What a great day to have an Eva scene because I don't care Eva. I don't care about your stupid wedding. I don't care about your stupid dresses. I don't

care about your stupid mother. I don't care about your stupid house. I don't care about you stupid anything. Okay, shut up. Well, let me top that because actually not only do we go to Eva's house and the next Eva scene that we have, because basically everything's like going back and forth. Now we have an Eva in Cynthia scene where they will get colonics together. So it's like, hey, you know, it's one thing worse than Eva complaining about her dress and I'm souping up glitter. Eva's shitting everywhere. Yeah, gross. Don't need this. You know, the how many times have we had to see your badge get tightened? Okay, but at least that's like, I guess that could be fun for somebody. Nobody wants to see a colonic.

Nobody. Nobody wants to see it here or think about it. So anyway, so she and Cynthia are getting their colonics and Eva's like, you know, because last episode, Eva was like, I have so many bills because we're bravost wedding and there's so many bills for a wedding, like, by the way, don't have three dresses. And then she's like, and then we're moving also, and then this episode, she's like, so you know what, I booked a gig, and now I don't have any more bills.

I'm like, oh, congratulations, you figured out the concept of like, working, earning money, and spending it. See? Now, valid, don't want no breaks, don't need no breaks. But we have to get a break right now. Celebrity Beef, you never know if you're just gonna end up on TMZ or trending on Twitter or in court. I'm Matt Bellasife.

And I'm Sydney Battle, and we're the host of WonderZnew Podcast, Dis and Tell. Each episode explores a different iconic celebrity few, from the build-up, why it happened, and the repercussions. What deserves session with these feuds say about us? We're starting off with a pretty messy love triangle between Selena Gomez and Justin and Haley Bieber, a seemingly innocent TikTok of Selena talking about her laminated eyebrows. It snowballed into a full-blown alleged feud. But it doesn't seem like fans are letting up anytime soon. Despite both Selena and the Bieber's making public statements denying any bad blood. How much of this is teen jealousy and lovers quarreling, and how much of it is a carefully

crafted narrative designed to sell albums? Follow this and tell wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wondering app. They're back! Whoa, whoa, we had a technical issue and really the only thing that I think anyone missed because we were at the colonics, we missed like you guys missed us talking about, I think Shemari and Ronnie,, literally you guys missed nothing. We, we, like, opined a little bit about Neenie and Porsche, gender reveal parties. We talked to him.

I talked about how much I hate them. You guys missed nothing. You guys missed nothing. Nothing happened on this episode. Nothing happened. That's kind of how real House was of Atlanta goes. It's really good and it's really lame. It's really good and it's really lame.

It was kind of in the middle. We get to go to Candy's party and she has a sexy haunted house, you know, which is kind of a funny concept. Yeah, not opposed to it, but I just think it's a funny concept. And basically, what happened in that? Okay, so what's her bones? Blondie, Samari came and she's like, Oh, I cannot speak.

I've never enjoyed this. Which is annoying, okay? Because that's what people do. They, it's like, oh, I cannot speak. I've never tried this. Which is annoying. Okay, because that's what people do They it was like American Idol shit when people show up and they're like Yeah, I'm seeing every day, but today I can't sing. I'm like, you know what? I'm not buying it You're insecure and you're afraid you're gonna sound like shit, and so you're just faking it, okay? Yeah, I mean really they were just trying to make an episode out of like random bureau footage I clearly there was an order for like 22 episodes and they're like, we have nothing to fill this with.

Because at one point, like right before this, when we saw some of the rehearsals for the, welcome to the dungeon, we saw them like testing out, you know, they're doing their choreo and all that stuff. And then Cynthia showed up at one point and all she was like, walk in and the editing was like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. They like did all these like weird fancy cause like, Oh my God, here's Cynthia, but then nothing happened. point and all she was like walk in and the editing was like do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do up and like leather thongs and stuff like that. Okay, listen, I don't care, I don't care. Like, where would ever you want? Okay, but when I'm watching TV,

it's bad enough from the stars of the TV show. I mean, at least they're hot and they work out. What I'm saying is I don't need to see me in a leather thong on TV. Do you know what I mean? Like Twitter people, as many people call them. I don't need to see your random fans of real Housewives of

In-Hanta and Lother Thongs. Okay, it's disturbing. This shows supposed to be sexy. It's horrifying. It just makes me want to stay home forever and not go anywhere in the public. Yeah, exactly. So Cynthia, she winds up getting chained to like a,

like a short dude and she's like reading everyone, which is such a bizarre sight. And then it's just like a lot of like, okay, we're about to go on. Like everyone gathers together for like a pre-show prayer. I'm like, you guys are not about to do hamlet here. I know it's like praying before you do a porn shoot. Like God, please let me catch all of that. That's actually a good topic. Finish on my face, you know. We don't have to do it twice. It was just like so over the top like let us like see now Jesus

Let me have a good show where I can ask To be eaten out Yeah, exactly like let my let my eating out Cynthia monologue go well. Yeah If God loves me why can't I get my Cynthia eating Cynthia out open properly? So, speed of which it is time for this performance and it's like all sorts of like brusquen things like that. And then there's this moment where Cynthia gets trotted out onto the stage and she's in a chair and basically like candy is like in between her legs and she's like Damn me. How what you are? Cynthia's like

Cynthia's based like me in that situation like I Know I'm supposed to be sexy right now, but I'm gonna do some con just in front of this audience to be doing this And you're my friend. I don't know this feels weird. Well candy didn't tell her what she was gonna do or say So Cynthia's like Can you Say that again, I need more time Can't just like I'm so fucking horny and so just like I'm so fucking horny too That's what it was Whatever happened to good old fashioned musicals

Yeah That's my question Whatever happened to our town Whatever happened to guys and dolls Yeah What about a What about a What about the music man?

Why don't they do buy by birdie? How about that? Hey, you can do something new and exciting Maybe some phantom of the opera or something crying. They're fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii It would just be people fucking on stage and weird half masks. How much do you want to believe that Nini once went to see Phantom the Opera and left after intermission? She's like, I'm not going to any show that has a chandelier falling. I'm not going to be a theater with bad hardware. That's what I imagine her closet is like the underworld of the opera. It's just a phantom of this Greg on a rowboat. It's like trying to make it through the... trying to make it through the boughs of the opera.

The organ is playing. Brent is on an organ. And of course, this is just typical how my day is going. What? Get my notes. Sham. Us. They cut off.

Oh, they cut off. Oh, that's fun. That's fine because this is what else happens. Okay. Then they all gather after the show they all gather backstage and like Tonya pushes Marlow on the floor and I was like, don't push me on this dirty ass floor. I'm like, you're literally in like a costume. Yeah, it's not dirty either. It's clean. You're wearing rubber and your butt's rubber. Yeah, you'll be fine. Okay. You were the one who was lying on the on the floor at the hotel in Tokyo and Tony

It's like I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I see she was I'm so sorry I'm so sorry and Marla's a well, I do have to talk to you because you're both alcoholics and you need to take a class It's like she really thinks it's like a continuing your education course AA. Yeah She really thinks it's like a continuing your education course AA. Yeah, she really she thinks it's like graphic design. Yeah, or something like that. So that was basically real househouse of Atlanta. Should we move on to top chef?

Well, Samari mother saved her. What's normally I don't like when people are like, well, you would know Marho because you're not a mother. Maybe you're a mother fucker, but you're not a mother. Because Samaritan's excuse for being wasted all the time is she needs to get the fuck away from her twins. So, you know, I'm kind of with Samaritan on this one. I normally don't like mother-shaming people or baron-shaming people.

What would you call it? What? Childless, parot-shaming people. Oh, a baron-shaming. I was like, I was saying baron-like B-A-, it's bear and shaming. Yeah, it's like Baron Trump I'm like leave Baron Trump alone Everyone's like what are we listening to? Oh the bunch of on's yeah, so anyway, it's our top chef. It's our penultimate episode

It's the we're about to head into the finals. We gotta do one more cut. We're still in the cow. And you know, essentially, the episode basically opens up with the image that I think we were all expecting, but we didn't realize we were expecting it until we saw it, which is basically Michelle drinking glass of blood. Okay.

Yeah, Michelle suddenly took a turn for the creepier in this episode. Right. She really got super dark in this episode and she's like, I'm out for blood. And then she's like drinking blood. And she just got kind of weird. And it's always the quiet ones, isn't it? Oh, it's. And of course, this was this was the episode where I declared in my head, you know what? I, you know, for a while, I was reading for Eric Twin, but I think I want Michelle to win, which means of course I curse her.

That's what I do. I have, I have, I did it to Neenie earlier this season, Neenie, like the good Neenie, AK, the Neenie from Top Chef, not Neenie from Atlanta. And I was like, I swear, I will not, I will not like root for anyone actively because I curse them every time. And then I was like, you know what though, but this time I'm going to root for Michelle, because I think it's pretty safe. I'm kind of rooting for Sarah I just like a certainly girl who had to move back home. I

Know what just what I think about this dynasty. I'm gonna make grits All right, so I'm gonna honor Chinese food by making grits. Yeah, right? I don't know I'm still I'm still rooting for Eric. I'm very pro Eric. Although I would love Eric lost for me today because he went full on Fufu again. Okay, he did go back and give up your Fufu Was Fufu or the new scallops? Yeah, okay? I'm over your Fufu. Make something else. Yeah, I thought Sarah was gonna be gone because I'm on the way to the quickfire. She's like I feel nervous today like I know like I've been not nervous all this time But now I'm nervous and the truth is yeah, it's something weird. I don't know if it's gas or nerves But I haven't had either in a while. I'm really sure you know here's one thing if I win top chef

It's gonna I'm sure it's you know it's going to change my life. It's going to I was like okay It's already changed my life. Look at my life. It's totally different Totally different my teeth look brown on TV. Okay. So anyway, so I think it's because we're talking about Sarah at the same. What is it? Padma. Good morning, chefs. Welcome to this beautiful Alma temple from the Ming Dynasty. Your guest judge today is Abe Conlon, who has a restaurant called Fat Rice, which is based on the life of Gail Simmons. Fat Rice, otherwise known as Gail and Kindergarten. What are my favorite dishes here in Macau? Is Gail Rice, I'm sorry, fat rice. My favorite dish is Gail by the pool, I'm sorry.

By the way, Padma is here at South by Southwest. We are within proximity. Do you know what everybody's here at Southwest? I was trying to find one fucking thing to do today. There's 90,000 things that'll love an eight. How are you supposed to know what to, and the half of them are lame. Tactic riffing is performing like, like, breakfast. Like two hours ago. Yeah, she just she had like a breakfast show. Okay. That's what's happening here

How they do bro is here. I'm like this doesn't mean anything anymore. Get me out of here. Doesn't make sense Yeah, they're like hey, you want to get a Sam Sun tote bag or you could see Quinnith Paltrow talk about oatmeal Bonnie Or you could see Quinnith Paltrow talk about oatmeal. Like what? Bonnie, Bonnie Raid is doing origami over at the Starbucks on 6th and Congress. That's how it feels. Which I would actually want to see. If Bonnie Raid were doing origami there, I would be like, we are not recording today. We're going to see your do-or-or-or.

I could have sworn I saw Amy Grant driving one of those little motor, those little bicycle rickshaws. Fucking Amy Grant during the rickshaws. You know, we had a fo Amy Grant driving our rickshaw last night and you know what fuck her fuck her Because we said when we got off the rickshaw I don't is it even a rig I feel like we're being so problematic like a rickshaw Why is that problem? Because I think it actually has an unmodernized name to people named Rick rickshaw But um, but this lady is she's like so what are you guys doing here in South by Southwest?

Oh, we're doing a podcast. Oh, I love podcast. What's yours about? I was like oh, it's a comedy podcast. We talk about like the real house watch because oh that's Well, so people are disgusting. That's terrible. Whatever you just wrote us here on a bike And you're really gonna judge the real house. So it's like I don't watch TV I don't watch TV shows like that. I'm like, you probably don't have a TV. Probably watching shit on your cell phone. So most people do that to us. They're like, oh, terrible, but they laugh.

And like, it's like a joke. Like, oh, how terrible. But she was like, oh, that's terrible. Like, no, we'll be able to do it. Yeah, she was just mean. Yeah, she was like, oh, no. Which, how dare you be mean to me? I'm very nice.

Look at me. And then she did, well, I don't have cable. I just mainly watched Netflix and Amazon Prime. Like, congratulations. Oh, wow. You're such a pioneer. Well, I don't have cable. I just mainly watched Netflix and Amazon Prime like congratulations Oh wow such a pioneer. Yeah, you got your neighbor's password or what? Here here in Macau we want you to utilize one of the best pop-in-the-fruits of all time. It's big. It's round. It's stinky and we call it gal Yeah, so a durian fruit challenge. Don't these feet don't these judges go through enough Why would you make them eat durian that is disgusting? Okay, it smells like stinky gross feet

Because of the smell Durian has been banned from airports hotels and other public spaces And that's why durian hasn't been a judge this season. Did I say durian? I meant gal hasn't been a judge this season. Did I say Julian? I meant Gail. Bless her. Sarah's like, yes, I'm not like if you take stinky French cheese, you put it in a bag with some socks, mold the line, made out with a truck driver and dried your underwear on your elbow skin. Sarah, leave the gal bashing to me. Thank you. So yeah, they have to make this disgusting fruit.

Okay, now Kelsey continues on her path to making me fucking crazy, okay? I don't know why I hate Kelsey, but I officially hate Kelsey. And someone on Facebook, I don't care, okay? This is about my hatred of Kelsey. Okay, fine. Someone on Facebook corrected me because over, you know, my lies eventually turned into like reality to me And they just grow and grow and when I first said when I was watching the show the Kelsey said I'm the only one What did she say that got that got pregnant intentionally?

That's what you've been saying and I well no she that's not what she said she said I'm the only one here who has Been pregnant and had a baby. I think that's what she really said. Which is still fucking offensive. Because it's basically like other people here. Other people here. Yeah. That's how I feel.

I just don't like Kelsey. Okay, so then Kelsey's like, well, I don't know if I'm gonna win this challenge because you can only cook food that you love with food that you love. You can't cook with something you don't like. I'm like, oh God, we'll get the girls some white bread, okay? Would you like to make some avocado toast base?

Custard. Good one. Good one. You got her, you got her. Cause you know Kelsey's like, I have avocado toast in my restaurant. I feel like that's a Kelsey thing. Well, I feel like it would be like,

well, back when I first started, I was stodging for, um, ear bear, and, uh, you know, I had to make family dinner. And I was like, well, I only have toast and avocado, so I thought, avocado toast and everyone just loved it. So just sort of became my thing. Um, so someone that I think we can both relate to right now, Sarah, because that and I are always like, I have the weirdest dream. Nothing really happened, but I saw Patricia. You know, it's like some weird, it's like some nonsense dream.

And this is Sarah. She's like, and trying to think what goes with banana, you know, what goes with durian, like banana, almond garlic. I remember a padmazing that Curry covers up smells, but I don't know if that was a dream or if that really happened. Oh my god That's the she dreams is boringly is I imagine Padma haunting her in her dream It's like nightmare now. I'm more on Padma Street. You might want to cover that up with some curry

Yeah, I'm putting you in a mattress So so they so it's time to serve so Michelle serves in a spuma of chilled durian, which is basically like, it's basically like a, like an ice cream sort of thing, but with shrimp too, and Pamma, you said she's like, ugh, Michelle, what is that acid in that cream? It's really awful, sort of like Kelsey, am I right everyone? Kelsey, you thought you thought,

you got to be all thought I was gonna say, Gail, right? No, Kelsey, Kelsey, easy target, thank easy target Thank you pregnant and had a baby congratulations Kelsey's called nature So then Eric makes that tomato and celery salad I was like where's the durian? I'm in tomato and celery how basic can you be wait? I'll answer that real basic right? So yeah, I'm like where's the was like, where's the Dury? And he's like, it's all over the place. It's in the dressing, which is not going to count.

Okay. So then Sarah makes a crispy skinned bass, because God forbid someone doesn't make some fucking bass three times in a quick time, quick time challenge. We are having to quick time challenge, but you know what I mean? It's cool recording, that God bless. A quick notes challenge, quick challenge, quick fire challenge. We are having to quick time challenge, but you know what I mean? It's cool recording. God bless. A quick notes challenge. Quick challenge. Quick fire challenge. Yeah. So what they make is sea bass. Really getting sick of seeing sea bass on this cast, okay? Make something else. And then Kelsey, talk about a cop out. She makes a breakfast parfait of yogurt and fruit. I mean, come on. Yeah, Kelsey can't win with shit like that.

I don't know. It's gonna make me crazy if someone wins with the yogurt parfait Okay, I'm gonna be pissed so the two chefs in the bottom were Eric and Kelsey And then Pamela goes so that leaves you Sarah and Michelle and Galler get it everyone Sarah Michelle Galler humor anyone. No, no, okay Oh, I'm losing her touch in the count. So Pamela, she goes, I don't know why I wrote this down. I wrote so many notes. I'm like, there's not even a joke for it. She goes, you did what the fruit does.

You had a dish that was both savory and sweet. Aranty, so insightful. That's what the fruit does. But Michelle used the durian better. So she wins. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest.

I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. Yeah, Joe. They're so easy. Okay, Spiky Monster. Gail, Gail, I said. You know, Padma's easy ended the season and she's being so dramatic about everything. She's like, you embrace the Spiky Monster.

When you're excited about food, it comes through. I was like, what is Padma dancing? What is Padma doing? She's doing like some introvert. She's like suddenly coming to life at the end of the tunnel. She sees the luthy in the tunnel. I'm trying out hand movements now Chefs for your elimination challenge. We're going to be diving into Maconese cuisine You we want you to make a dish of your own heritage and fuse it with Chinese ingredients

So first Abe is gonna take you to the restaurant literal Which is appropriate because it's just like gal Very literal about all things. She's such a literal person bless her heart So then they go on a field trip with Abe who's like the boyfriend on girls Did you ever see that show girls? He's also on black clansmen black cuckoo clansmen. He's also on Black Clansman. Black Cucac Clansman. He's also his name. He's like, hey, he talks like that. He's like, hey, let's go shopping in Macau. Look at this. More durian. This is nuts. So then the big surprise is it's all their moms. And I'm like, I want Kelsey's mom to be a horrible monster because you know,

Kelsey's like that in my brain right now. but her mom's such a dope and I love I love her mom. She's like a way character. Yeah, her eyes are always like wide open. It's like oh This is wonderful Kelsey cuz like my mom stupid like Kelsey secretly hates her mom. Yeah, so they all sit down They have this like mac and ease Meal which looks amazing. I don't know. I don't even know anything about Maconies food, but it just looked delicious. And so they're all dying over.

And then Abe does that thing that we hate. He's like, you know, this cuisine is all about family and heritage. Oh, okay. Like, what, like, what, like, could you imagine? Like, what cuisine, like, last week when they said dinner, you know, we're really, we ended dinner here. It's like, well, who is it?

At dinner, we just talking. Yeah. Yeah. New years for New Year's and our culture. New years like well, who isn't it dinner? We just talking New years for new years and our in our culture new years is about new year's dinner is about eating dinner Something like that. It's like this cuisine is about family and heritage as if there's like some cuisine It's like this is not about family. It's not about heritage Yeah, okay this week we want you to make sad single people food Ronnie, I'm like I brought Cheetah. She's like perfect. You really embrace the challenge loser So so this is fun twist they have to go shopping

But they have to take their parents with them or in Eric's sister So they're all like running around confusing this market and on top of everything else Like else his mom loses her car like how do you lose your cart in the market? Like how do you stray that far away and then just, I've literally done it. I've done it before, I've lost, I've left my cart cause you know you're walking around like, I'll leave the cart here so I don't,

when the grocery store's busy, and you're like, I'll just leave my cart here because I don't wanna like be barreling down the aisle and hitting people and stuff. And then I'll just grab stuff from my arms and then three hours later, I'm like, I'm holding a bunch of shit in my arms. Where is my cart? And then someone's moved your cart.

I mean, they're lucky that didn't happen, especially a food hole. Because, oh, I guess they weren't at food hole in China. I don't know what food hole even is. Whole feeds. Oh, got it. You know, here's my thing. I think we all, all this would have been avoided if like everyone adopted the sprouts like two-tier Basket or a car because yeah, I like those so many ones because they take up they have a very small footprint

But they they hold just so much food and they're easier to manipulate than a big long thing the big thing It's like it's annoying and you get never one's way the little one is just like a little card. It's like a little stroller Why why does no one else have that is I don't know but I'll tell you this much no matter the size of your card Or the size of your heart Kelsey mobs it up. Yeah, okay, so everyone's so the plan is Sarah's gonna make moths a ball suit we using crackers and then like her mom's like, you know if you put a club So they're gonna be fluffier. She's like I didn't know know that. Like, how do you not know that? What happened there? I'm not knowing ever told me how I make it to this line. Mom, how long have I been living in your guest room?

You ain't not gonna tell me about soda water? Come on, mom. God. And then Kelsey's like, mom, if I don't get my car back, I'm gonna lose. I will be eliminated. Her mom's like, oh my God. It's like, her mom's so abused walking around.

So then they all, like, afterwards, there's just like family time, etc. We learn Eric, by the way, as you mentioned, it's going to be doing a fufu dumplings. So it's basically like a Nilo orgasm on a plate. It's like our two favorite things. Nilo fufu? Fufu Nilo? Nilo fufubo So Tom comes through with Okay, and Sarah's like yeah, I'm gonna make a matsu ball without the matsu and Tom was well. Good luck with that

Yeah, good luck with that. Whoa, you know, I make matsu ball soup all the time and Apparently it brings you comfort makes you so comfortable. Do you realize you don't need an education? You can just put anything in a shake or port in a glass and give yourself a fancy title so that you can grow hipster beard and make out with girls with hairy armpits on the side of Los Angeles. So that's what I've learned. I know. As we all know, Motsubal Supe is traditionally served at Passover, which is a holiday, which surprisingly is not about when your son passes over,

an opportunity to become a world-class chef like his father, and said becomes a misogist. So Tom, yeah, Tom's like, so sir, and she's doing a new mommy broth to approach her stuff. So that was like the broth. A broth, yeah. You know, dinner. My family dinner. I think it's broth. Yeah, it's what we like. So then he goes to Michelle.

He's like, so, so, would you guys celebrate with your family? She's like, um, Italian food, I'm Jopino, and I really like that. I'm so happy to look at that. I'm back yard. I thought the blood out of the word this morning for breakfast. My favorite thing is that I like to put up a big bowl of Chappino. And then when my mom is my grandma is like ordering some of my grandma's in the chat. Yeah, sometimes I'll come in soup.

Soup. So then Sarah is like, Super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super I'm not like who cares they're huge we love everyone loves a He's supposed to be by the way. I wish did they still had cats is here in Austin We can go get some Montseball soup. It's delicious. By the way, I love the mindset that I love I love a soft fluffy Motsable, but I actually enjoy a firm Motsable I like a big mots of all this big Mm-hmm that you know, it's like yeah, I don't know that's all I know how to say I think that Mots of all soft I don't think you can mess it up like if they're firm I think it's like nice and toothsome and if they're fluffy. That's nice and fluffy like you can't mess it up

Yeah, what are you gonna do what you gonna do? So now it's time for the judges to arrive and Neelie was like oh my god. I feel like I could move here the food alone and just cussed a pam and Pam goes Yeah, that's right. Shut up. Yeah, Nilo is really obnoxious. She shows up not in any mood. Yeah, she shows up in another terrible pattern.

The pamma is like, I didn't think I could hate Gell 2.0 as much as Gell 1.0, but here she is. I thought when I gave her a ticket to Saudi Arabia, we'd be done with this, but apparently not. Please welcome No Lou. Please welcome Neeluzer. Get it everyone. Bless her heart. She tries. Okay, so he goes first here.

Michelle. Michelle's like, I'm worried about being overly ambitious. You can hear the terror in my voice. Oh, let me see here. The judges, we sit with Manuel Nile. I feel like I can move here the food alone. Michelle, I've a love this component. Sorry, I'm trying to get the button to where I am. The recap of the past minute of the podcast.

I'm just catching up, though. I'm not pretending it didn't happen. Okay. Okay. So you went too far. Jepino. Okay. Here we go. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So unbelievable. Okay. Cause they have to sit their mom. Every time they come up, their mom sits down with the judges and they sit down too. And they're all like awkward about it. And Padma loves surprise. And then she's like, it's this like evil smile. Like Michelle, you may have noticed as an extra seat next to me. I bet you think it's for a world-class intellectual Guess what it's for you instead sit down

Guess who's here Michelle Obama just kidding ha Have a seat. Watch us be disgusted by your fear Michelle you seem already very stressed out. Let's dress you out some more Plus or heart, so Michelle's like This is really unbelievable. I really never thought it'd be sitting next to Like it's crazy like badness just right over there and sounds like so What's what's the point here? What are you doing? Where's the broth? You know you're saying this, Chappino, but that's like zero broth, it's hilarious.

I mean, I can have a Chappino in a broth. I mean, like, it's like having a chicken soup. Without soup. I mean, it's not. That's crazy. It's crazy. I was thinking more of a stew. I'm like, I think what she means is she's just stewed everything.

But still love a stew. So then, yeah, so then there's them still has bra. They're like, so they're like, uh, Michelle, what do you think? She's like, um, it probably needs more acid. It's like, okay, you can go now and And they're like, yeah, it was fine. Just there's no Chinese heritage, you know? And then he was like, you know what? I thought the flavors were great.

I just wanted more of that broth and patmas. Like, I agree, fake gal. I agree. It's like, she was too hard on herself. And Tom's like, well, you know, the challenge was to infuse Chinese and I didn't really get that. Or broth.

You know, I think it's China broth. Uh, really nothing. I got it. It was basically pencil erasers with some ketchup. So this is like the, uh, mixology of soups. Just like what's the point? So now it's, so now it's Sarah's turn and so Sarah comes out and Padma turns to Sarah's mom. It's just so like patient edge because Sarah did Kentucky so proud.

Her attitude, her fashion, her, hmm, well, she's not living in a cardboard box or working in a coal mine, so congratulations mom Just like there I said my contractly obligated five words to the mother and now I'm going to ignore her the rest of the evening so then um She said fans like shut up. I'm gonna stand out. This is mad and still in nine. Whether you know what my mom told me, you used some soda water when you make your lots of balls and tell me like, I give her a dumb. No, that's not what I used to say when he still had promised news just child. No, that's dad. I mean, why would you be so dumb to leave the club center? Exologist or something like what's going on?

So they love it. They love the Motsubal soup. So next is I love Motsubal soup. I know It's fucking Motsubal soup. You're making Motsubal soup to get into the finals. What is this season trying to fucking do to me? Okay, someone made Chappino and now you're making Motsubal suit and Kelsey has made yoga perfect and we just call this season a wash and get it over with This is bullshit. So now it's Eric's turn and he makes it a guzzies stew and you know, Fufu dumpling, etc. And Nilo, of course, has a lady boner that's knocking the table over at this point. She's like, um, were you worried about cooking Fufu a second time?

Because guess what? I wasn't. Ah, Fufu! Well, I have a feeling that the second Fufu won't be as good as the first, right? Second, yeah. Ha, ha, ha. You know, Fufu reminds me of that clothing brand, Fufu. You know, for us, by us, except foo-boo, I guess, is more of like, for us, fuck you.

Um, so let's see, they enjoy it. Blah, blah, blah. Tom's like, this shrimp balls were salty, but, you know, I mean, shrimp balls go. Wow. You really got balls to just go out on the run like that. Yeah, importantly, they're misguided balls So I've nothing to say to you. So Eric has covered he's made this coding But he's made it with a bunch of seeds. Yeah, which don't really work because people can't eat them. Yeah, like out Yeah, so Nileu's like I I had some textural difficulties That's sort of like that time when Gail tried to eat a shoe bless her heart And then Abe's like, oh those are melon seeds, which is very Asian, okay?

And these Tom's like, well, you know what? Asian or not, just not pleasant, right? Tell you that much. Not pleasant, though seeds. So now Kelsey comes out. She's gonna do her low country boil and she's gonna do a table side pour to remind them of it Like it's a low country ball. You don't need your table side pour but whatever. Um, it looked delicious to me um, and so It's a bad but it's like Kelsey. I like it to join us for this meal Just kidding. I want to push you down a flat of stairs Just kidding. I want to push you down to fly to stairs. Just kidding, I want to drown you in yoga parfait,

but unfortunately, we're just still illegal, even in China. Just kidding, go run out there in the traffic. Here we got you a chair, it's right in the middle of that highway over there. So she's like, I like the broth, but it was a little strong. I mean, I think it's just a little too strong.

I don't think I could even have a whole bowl of it. What am I? Gail. And he was like, the green onion maybe is a little too much. He goes, yeah, it's too green onion for word. It's not in balance. Sort of like Gail's wardrobe. Oh, so let's see, so just table.

Tom's like, you know what? It's hard shopping in another country, and it's Americans. Sometimes we need to strive to remember shopping carts, and not look like idiots, and embarrass our countrymen, and store socials. All right, that was my speech for the day. It's pretty much all I've got. You know, sometimes it's hard in a foreign country. You know, Americans love time suffer from

entitlement. No, it's the same sort of entitlement that will make you dismiss your father's wisdom and go into the world of quote-unquote mixology, whatever that means. So, Pat and I was like, all of you gave us beautiful, soulful, creative food today. Like Montseball. For example, I'd like to thank all of you for mustering up the courage not to serve us a ham and cheese sandwich. Sarah, congratulations. You stood head and shoulders above the bat.

By the way, you could use some head and shoulders. Thank you for that brilliant dish of wet crackers that you gave us how delicious you could also use some Work crop chef, this is top head We we can't wait to tell everyone how we would flew all the way to Macau, just have someone mash up some crackers and some umami broth, also known as broth and serve it to us. That was really great, really great for his head. So Kelsey, what was your process?

What was this process for you? And she's like, well, I've really let a low-con ship roll, because that's how we do it in my house. And me tell you a story about it just tell me Calcy what's your process does anyone have any duct tape for this bitch Sarah when I was sitting at the table I was staring right across me my mother Beverly and it was it was like looking right into your eyes it was was awful. It hurt my heart. I felt my arteries clogging up. I was like, I've never even had Kentucky Fried Chicken. And yet I felt like I just ingested three buckets full through

your mother's eyes. So Pat, I was like, Kelsey, I enjoyed your shrimp oil, but there's no way to eat the whole bowl. The salinity was too intense. Anyone marked that down? Big word for gay. I was, I was married to Salmon Rushdie. Just wanted to say that. That was, that was Salmon's nickname.

That was a big word for gay although, yeah. Yeah. You know what, that was my pet name for Salmon when he would get mad. I would call him salinity. Anyone like that word? I had to come up with the big word since last year that done last week that done bitch Adrian still the answer to my question about Chinese New Year's still mad about that. Sorry about the salinity and I was like, you know, he was basically what Pat met a stupid whore. So I didn't think that was too salinity at all.

I, uh, He was basically what Pat missed a stupid whore. So I didn't think that was too solidic at all. I, uh, wait, did you say solidic? Or did you say like, oh, I thought she said this, this saline saline into it. Probably. You know, whenever I'm going off of that, how stupid somebody is, I've always got it wrong. I'm always wrong.

I'm always a great idiot. Okay. We don't have Sarah. I felt like Sarah in this entire recap. She's leaning back to my arms, like, my knee on my neck, like, yeah. And what are you gonna do about it, ma? So the Nilo is like, you know, Eric, you know,

Fufu, hashtag Fufu Dumbling, big fan, but you know what, though? I love the flavor, but the texture was tough. And Pam was like, I know, and that's coming from Nilo. I mean, she's got Ardv. She can bite through anything. One time Nileu took Gail the lunch and they just ate bark together outside in a park. It was even tough for her. She's built it down with her face. Am I right Nileu? Nileu and Gail, like two little hamsters, they need to just nod down their teeth, they'll keep growing until it goes to the bottom lip

Tells How history talking to you the soup. I guess she's talking to Kelsey. She goes Unlike the other dishes. I have no frame of reference for your soup. That was steric Oh, if you're stew. Oh, yeah African stew. That's why I mean, it's pretty shocking considering how global and educated I am, but I had no fam of reference this time, Eric. You call it feel I call it gilly stuff on my plate. Explain please. I did. For a moment, I did have a fam of reference, but Gail literally ate it. So, and Tom was like, uh, so then they moved to Michelle they talk about the broth Don't let anything go ever say I miss the broth

broth is actually my name for gal I miss the sloss. I'm sorry. We shooting now. I miss the broth Yes, I'm Nilo's Nilo is talking about I'm just like that she goes you know with your chop You know it was like two different concepts happening, but they didn't actually bridge. You know, it's like a dumpling and a soup. Why not just have a pot sicker? Why not just have a pot sicker?

Yeah, I know food, I know that she went crazy over food food before, but she does not like a misguided dumpling. No, she does not. So that was a big mistake. And I actually thought Eric was gonna go home. I was surprised. So, because of the seats. I actually thought Eric was gonna go home I was surprised. So I thought I actually thought Eric was gonna go home too. I was surprised as

well. So yeah there's deliberations they felt like Michelle's there was too much happening Michelle's dish and Eric's dish had that seed issue but now it's finally time to cut someone and Tom's like you know what we get this far and have to make some cuts and you, there are no losers right now, mainly because my son is not competing in this competition. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, this is Top Chef, and you strive to be your best. And unfortunately, all of you are pretty mediocre, and we're stuck in a yoga parfaits in mosa balls. So we're just going to have to go with the fact that you already kicked out, tiny voice. All right. So, at your bags, and I get your tiny little whispered voice out of here. That would be great

See you. Thank you very much Want to be a thank you very much for Yeah, it's really great. I'm not gonna be this Get out mousey face And that was pretty much that so before we wrap up the episode, we do want to talk a little bit about Mary to Medicine Los Angeles, which actually debuted last night. So what did you think about it? Bullying, lame, making effort.

Okay, and I loved it last week, but I think I loved it because I other Mary to Medicine ladies were on. Maybe I'm in a bad mood. I watched this at two in the morning. I watched it at two in the morning too. So maybe it was a bad mood, and so I won't be able to chalk it up to that. But you're going to give me a new married medicine and I have to watch another storyline about somebody trying to find their father.

I have to watch another story about old lady fertility and after everything is the same fucking storyline. Why would you even bother getting new people for a new show and then make us watch the same fucking storyline? It's not supposed to be a carbon copy of the last show with dumber people. Yeah, so I did not hate it as much as you did. To me it was like, okay, we spent a lot of time just meeting everyone. So there's a lot of like, this is this person, this is what their life is.

I was really happy because, what was the name of the tall lady? She's the best one. Adina. Adina. She went to one of my favorite Korean restaurants. I was like, okay, she has like a huge amount of respect for me. because wasn't even the tall lady she's the best one. A demon. A money. She went to one of my favorite Korean restaurants. I was like, okay, she has like a huge amount of respect for me.

But you know, I mean, it was just like, oh, here's this person's life, here's that person's life. It wasn't like overly interesting. It wasn't terrible either. I did at one point think like, why are we, I didn't totally understand why we're watching. Like, there were not a lot of storylines being put into motion. There was like some business at the end at the party. There was a party

So I started to doze off at the very end because it was like two in the morning I got tired and I was just oh my good part when they were like having drama with each other Even though it's like really for someone invited ash as a chef The attitude is no Here's the thing. Okay, so you have the doctors I feel like all the doctors on the show are the thing. Okay, so you have the doctors, I feel like all the doctors on the show

are the most likable ones. They're like smart and interesting and like they're just more interesting. And then you have the non-doctors. And so first you have the actress lady who for some reason she bugs me. She's the one who's like, is it too late for me to get pranked? I'm like, oh my God, we don't have to sit through this again.

Maybe that's just like a gay man's perspective. Maybe it's more For one in but million fucking times on these shows. Yeah, and I don't care if you want to have a bit I don't care. It's the same storyline But with at least a less interesting person and then you have the two other doctors wives though the blonde one who is like I don't see any. But the blonde one's a dope. She's a dope, which I actually appreciate. We need that.

And then she's doing like, if she has a photo shoot with, the other one, she like, they do like, she gets into like a bathtub full of like gummy bears, which is like hell for me, cause I pretty much hate gummies. So my tiny husband with control issues loves gummy bears. What a shocker.

Yeah. So they do take this like weird boot war photo, but it's not really boot war because she's still fully clothed. It's like, yeah, she takes a fully clothed picture and about to have full of gummy bears. gummy bears, yeah. I don't know. She's dumb. So those girls were dumb, right?

Yeah. Now, I have to say there was this. So the doctor who's like in the middle of the entire like when they showed in all standing, the one who's in the the middle she was the one who was like the most I was surprised that she was in the middle and not a money a money seems to me like already the breakouts are but the one who's in the middle she she's like childhood friends with the actress one and I'm only bringing I'm just mentioning this because I I felt like this is a really good observation that she looks to me like an exact Photoshop mix of Janet Jackson and Michelle Obama.

Oh right. Oh, which by the way, the best Photoshop mix of all time. Well, I think the one is I think the girl that's like all for my husband. I'm his queen and he's my king and I think everything for him. The girl with the gummy bears, right? Yeah. She's one with the tiny husband with control issues. He's telling his kid, he's like two years old. He's like, his kid's like, Ben, I don't like them.

He's like, we are not going to yell. We talk like that. I was like, oh, OK, little one. Yeah. Shut up. But anyway, she, to me, it looks like a grown-up version of a Laura, Heavenly's daughter. Oh.

She looks just like her to me. I don't know if it's how she talks to her web, but she's cute. I like her. And you know what? She's a dumb dumb. I don't really care about her stories. And I don't like her husband.

And the anesthesiologist, the light skinned woman, you know what she looks like to me? She sort of looks like Judge Judy to me. Which one? The light skinned, and as to... She does look like a judge Judy. And she sort of talks Judy. She sort of has like an urban, like, urban, slammed on.

She's like, yeah, she's like, what are we gonna do for you? No, that's not it. I'm basically doing Bethany. Don't be in my leg and tell me it's raining. She is basically a judge Judy as an asthesiologist. She's like, hey, hey, go to sleep. Yeah. Go to sleep. Count down from 10 to 1 in reverse.

Go to sleep. Anesthesiology, okay. So that's a doctor. I'm not going to diss any anesthesiologist because look at my ass. They get paid so well. Yeah, apparently this is amazing. I know that that's a real job, and I'm not saying it's not.

Okay, let's go with this this is amazing. I know that that's a real job and I'm not saying it's not okay Let's go with this But it bothers me because dirty John was an anesthesiologist and I'm still so mad about dirty John girl I listen to that podcast I watch that whole show and I'm still infuriated and now I don't trust anesthesiologist And I hate her well remember that because of dirty John is that fair? No. Well, I remember the doctor who killed Michael Jackson. He used that thing that he was not like a, for the anesthesiology drug. Okay, I don't know what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah, you're worried that I'm gonna, I'm gonna say something wrong.

So you bring up Michael Jackson. That's gonna turn out well. Well, maybe, maybe people are gonna be happy for that doctor now. Now, like, that doctor mentor is probably the best thing that ever happened to that doctor. So, it's like finally people are leaving me alone. By the way, my microphone is kind of blue light.

That's kind of like the laughing at the whole. Like a disco or something. Like this. So wait, so the drama at the party at the end of the episode was that the party was for, it was the birthday party for the short doctor. He's cute, by the way. He's sure, and also, by the way, I have to say that Amani's husband was in the band

Portrait, and I was like, I have no portrait, but I don't remember their songs, and then I'm happy because it allowed me to revisit that one song of theirs. I went, here we go, here we go again. Remember that song? No. Okay. So, anyway, he's also really cute. But so there's this birthday party and the doctors, the his wife invited the ex of

the actress. Right. I'm sorry, I don't know the name, but is it right for you to invite your friends, your friends husband's ex to a party? Oh, that's what we're friends husband's ex. She's like we're friends, so I Yeah, she's like, we're friends. So I wouldn't ask. She's the one who got married to him.

But now it looks like this lady who's pretending she doesn't even know that girl's name was cheating with the guy before he left her for the husband. Wait, can you say that again? Because that's the part where I exactly where I fell asleep. I then like, I don't know who you're talking about. You guys, I'm talking about the actress. I'm not saying to anybody. I talk think to anybody are you talking about the actress?

The girl is okay the girl who got on mad because her husband's ex is there. Okay. That's the actor I think her name is a shot or something like that. Okay, so she Jasmine guy on color Jasmine guy here I'm gonna pull up their names because this is getting out of control So Jasmine guys all mad but then in the previous for next week little husband tiny husband is saying that there was an overlap Meaning she was cheating with the husband. Oh That's why there's gonna be drama with this new girl. You know, so here's the thing because she was the mistress before she was the wife Yes, okay, so Asha her name is Asha. Asha, Shanique and Jasmine, Jasmine, the blonde. Asha is blonde.

Shanique is the one. Shanique and Jamaican. In the middle, she started talking, doing Jamaican accent. And she said, I don't know how to do Jamaican. So, I won't even go down that path. I don't want to be problematic. So, yeah. Asha, here's why I have issues with Asha.

Asha, issues with Asha. Issues with Asha. She's an actress and I just feel like she's going to be dramatic about everything. You know, like, oh, I don't know. I just don't trust her. I don't know why. I don't trust her. Yeah, this sound like asked. I think that, you know, every show needs time to warm up, especially a bravo show.

It means usually a season, but I'm really glad that there's so many Bravishos on that we can let it warm up and I have Red full recaps of every single one. Yeah, let's let this one warm up. I think it's gonna warm up I'm not gonna watch these dad storylines and try to get pregnant storylines I know but also time in your life where you have to say enough, okay? I'm gonna pull a Taylor Armstrong enough enough, but here's the thing also is that this show has got a little screwed because all this stuff that we watched should have been covered

in the first episode, and technically this was the second episode, but the first episode was filled with, like, to me, you enjoyed it, but I thought it was like dumb high jinks of the Maritaminis and ladies. I thought that was the only thing. Just hanging around a pool. And to me, I thought that was like dull. I think they should just like started it off

and just like, you know. And heavenly, by the way, heavenly was still hanging around this episode which I thought was funny. I have not even connected. Contest is the connector and heavenly is still hanging around. It's like, I don't wanna go chili bean party.

Yeah, and also still bringing a lot of life to it. So I don't know. I have hope for a show. I have hope for a. So I don't know. I have hope. I have hope. I have like actually see potential. I think Amani is Amani so far. I'm like really, really into her and I'm excited. I think that she's going to be the vitality in the show. All right. Well, let's wrap this up. Shall we? I'm going to have an act. Look at my neck. I know. Look at this. We are. I've just been, this is what we do for you. I'm excited to get off this catch and look attractive again for at least 10 more. Oh my god We like my life. Oh my god. It's already 2 o'clock Jesus

Are we ever gonna get to this festival? I don't think we are guys. Thank you so much for your patience with us today And on TV party. Thank you for watching Yeah, if you want the jankiest Covered on video go to crap and on demand and see us in the hotel room. It's pretty sad Yeah, it was a really fun episode It turned out to be super fun. Yeah Yeah, and we'll be back Friday with some project runway and for those of you coming to Austin or on TV Are an odd TV party you should say that we're gonna be party on but we'll be back for you guys who see

Who are coming to Austin, remember that bad shoulders get in first, but we're not expecting a ton of bad shoulders to come to this. So yeah, the next people are the people who RSVP'd who get to come in and 1500 of you RSVP'd. So I hope some of you fuckers show up. I know, we actually saw the venue last night. It's not huge.

So get there. You have to make sure you get there, like, you know, give, don't expect that so to walk it like though it might actually like fill it pretty quickly. Yeah, but you should be able to get it. So come and we will see you guys tomorrow. We're so excited. Thank you so much for being with us and we'll talk to you all next time.

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