Watch What Crappens - RHONJ: The Legend of Melda - A Link to the Paramus
Episode Date: January 11, 2019This week on Real Housewives of New Jersey, the show takes us to both Istanbul AND Dolores's house flip. Does it get more exciting than that? What if we throw in some pebble tile? Now that's ...what we call DRAMA. Come check out our recap! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Whoa, just got a crap and it's worth.com for this. Today we have a very special show
because we get to talk about the difference between mail order and kidnapping on
real housewives of New Jersey. Welcome to the legend of Melda. So Ben and I are
both big fans of the legend of Zelda on El Nintendo.
And that is funny that it's like the legend of Melda.
It's just this poor fat guy who has to keep eating to get energy, like Link trying to get
hurt.
He's like, I need more energy.
I must find a boarded kill.
A video game here for guys.
I know. I know I know so
This week's episode opens up with actually Ronnie. You're the one who caught this
I'm gonna let you say how this episode opens up because you saw it. I missed it and I
Oh, you see the Instagram was so funny. I don't do that many Instagram story things because I'm like
What am I doing with my life nothing? It's like there is a picture of my TV. Like that's literally all I ever post. Yeah, but I had to post this yesterday because I was dying.
I'm so sitting there watching Jersey and
One of the you know how they have the opening shots. They're like, look, it's a sewer
Look, it's a garbage dump, you know, it's Jersey. Look, it's the back of a Nikeya and then
They show a close-up on a tree and it's two squirrels fucking.
I mean, that is just so New Jersey, you know?
I feel bad that those squirrels
are getting it on before Melda and Michael do.
Their families are all celebrating.
When you're a squirrel in squirrel tradition,
your family is fuck together on the tree.
Ha ha ha.
Let me see here squirrel. I'm looking at this app because people say they can't hear. I'm so sorry we can't stop now. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I hope the podcast train is going forward. So yeah, so after we see squirrels fucking, we then go
to Jennifer's house where like welcome to parameters.us a close-up of a sign that says welcome to
Paramus
Paramus it's the Istanbul of Northern New Jersey so
so Jennifer is there I'm right at her house and her son is like got for some
reason he's like put a whole bunch of face makeup on his face
to look like Thanos from the Avengers or whatever and like his sister's like,
what are you doing? He's like, I'm dressed like Thanos. Who's that? He's like,
you wouldn't get it. Yeah, you wouldn't understand. I just wrote,
isn't it funny that kids in New Jersey dream of being monsters?
It's like you're on your way,. Okay, you're being raised by Jennifer.
Oh my god. Every other city they want to be Batman, you know. Here it's like I want to be the
Grinch when I grow up. I want to be the penguin. So, so easy. You want to be a penguin?
Let me see if it fits in my schedule.
Jennifer Bill. Yeah, so Jennifer is upstairs in like her closet with Bill. And she's like,
okay, Bill, do you remember? Okay, Justin has an induction for his Academy on Thursday.
Do you remember that?
And he's like,
ooh, I don't know.
No, how naughty I don't remember the induction.
Mm-hmm.
I need a little more advanced note.
It's about induction with a generate.
Mm-hmm.
It's hard to schedule.
I know what you're missing. Man, like me.
Did you notice that Bill was full on eye flaring?
Okay, you know that sign that sound.
They use it all over Bravo, but they mostly use it in Top Chef when something like Paddler
says something snarky and they go, yes, like they make that.
That's Bill's sound with his eyes because he's like I need more advanced notice
He was fully glorious swanson hang over there in that closet
An induction
He like was I like but he's like an excessive I flare he like does it over in name comments like hey
Did you get that new
Flash drive flash drive. It's like you didn't need to an I flare that it was just a very simple
32 gigabytes or 64
Was it mini and didn't have an adapter?
So Was it mini and did it have an adapter? So, um, Bill, so Jennifer, I think in casting for this show, you know, because it's always like,
why did they cast it this? We all have questions. You know, nobody knows how the sausage is made.
But sometimes I think that the casting for this show must include speaking English horribly.
Like I think that they're like, okay, two in a, like two in the hand, five in the bush or whatever that's saying.
See, I would be a good cast. You'd be a great cast. like, okay, two in a book, like two in the hand, five in the bush or whatever that saying.
See, I would be a good cast.
You'd be a great, I fuck up things.
Mixed metaphors are really strong on Bravo.
Yeah.
Mixed Bosch metaphors.
And it's, Jennifer is going to be a queen.
Like she's, she's going to run against Melissa for the queen of this because she is so dumb.
She's like, you know, bill works a lot, but sometimes I think he uses that as his whole past.
Like, do you understand what you're saying?
The whole past is then you allow your spouse to go cheat on you if they see someone hot
in that. Yeah. You know what I mean? And then the more she talks about Bill,
Bill's never home, Bill's never there for the kids, Bill's always working.
Yeah. And I wonder if she knows how close she is with that saying.
Yeah, I've actually been picking up that vibe since I feel like the beginning of this season when she was like
I have to stay home with my children and put them in fanos makeup when bill is at work for very long hours every single night
I'm like
Someone's cheating on you and you'll still stay with him anyway. That's what we do. You know that's like her thing
And then she says you know, I get that he has to work, but I didn't become a single mother by myself
I'm like no one becomes a single mother by themselves. Yeah, you dodo bird
So so far I'm really liking her because everything she says I'm like wrong
She's gloriously diluted, which is really all you can ask for out of a housewife
So she's like, okay, Bill
There's something I've been avoiding telling you, but I have to tell you right now, okay?
So you remember Jackie she has she writes an article in a very important publication called the Bergen-Recad, you know
Bill focus, okay here it is on my my iPad. You want to touch it? Oh touch it
So she shows Bill the article it's you know, it's like
Just giving your kids everything they want to spoil them make them little monsters
You want to dress up like people who want to destroy the universe or whatever it's called and feels like yeah great title
people who wanted to destroy the universe or whatever it's called and feels like yeah great title
but Bill she's she's making it sound like we spoil the children bill he's like
hmm she makes it very point
meanwhile Thanos is out there strangling his little sister like literally
strangling her and holding her up in the air
yeah she's like I mean here we have someone who's
writing an article attacking how I raised my kids is like downstairs. There's like
five dead bodies. Also, did you notice that she teases to do this
scene about spoiling her children in her gigantic, like Lisa Vanderwanda
B closet? Yes. While she's putting like her Luba Tons in red velvet, uh, facts to travel with.
Like, okay, Jennifer, okay. I did really enjoy that bill. It's like in full agreement with
Jackie on the article. Oh, it's really? It's like, because look at this. Wow, when kids come to me,
they never want to leave. Oh, you do use that a lot, don't you? She makes a good point. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo kids, get down, touch the kid. Get your fucking kids off TV. That's what I say to people on this show,
who are like,
damnly soft limits.
If your family can collect a paycheck from this show,
I'm allowed to call them fat and stupid.
That's that.
Yep, yep.
A hundred percent.
I'm a little sick of this, like,
kids, kids and husbands of a flimmin'
and so like, no, they're not.
They make terrible decisions
that makes them explicitly on limits.
Within the list. Yeah, your kid is wrapping on screen with Fetty Wap. No, they're not. They make they make terrible decisions that makes them explicitly on limits within
that you're kid is wrapping on on screen with Betty Wap. Okay, I get I get to say things about I will say that
that song came into my head way more than I like all week long I was like I can't wait to grow up
grow up I'm about to grow up or whatever it was going you know know. Like I think it's like, I'm gonna say the best song to come out in the Jersey.
I mean, that was a little out of,
that was a little off key because the key is actually,
I wanna grow up, grow up, grow up.
You know this is talking, right?
You don't have to sing this in minor.
I can't wait to grow up.
It's about to blow up.
I'm gonna travel and read Vogue.
Oh my gosh, it speaks to me.
It's also the best Jersey song since we
And was stick to the end we assist us, which of course was a
Stopped-family jam. Yes. What was the one that Gia sing to Joe? I don't see that thing. I don't see that thing out of my memory. I think because she was like crying so much during it, we sort of like lost the melody,
she just really couldn't keep it together the way that professional would.
So Jenna, he's like, oh give her a break. She was actually telling you to
He's like, oh give her a break. She was actually telling you to do
And Jen's like, well, I'm gonna deal with this when I get back
And I love it. I love it. I love it.
Tell it like it is girl. You're all out in a bag of chips. Yes, queen. I love I love I
think Jennifer has now multiple times given this like weird scheduled threat.
Like you know what I don't want to hear any about this but you know what I'm
not going to say anything now. I'm going to talk to her about it in five days.
And then she'll hear a lot about what I have to say.
I'm like, ooh, threatening.
Nothing like giving a period of time to cool down and become rational.
Yeah.
You better get down from your room in five days.
We're taking care of this, mister.
You know what?
Listen, you can't go around saying things about people, okay?
And you know what I have to say about it?
Well, guess what?
You're gonna find out next week at a certain time,
and I reserved the right to reschedule possible.
And it's gonna be during prime time
because I respect my yelling.
Now, if there's an issue of traffic
because there's been some closures on the turnpike, okay, we may have to push it to a different time. Okay, and then you're
going to hear it. You're going to hear it. Check my website for time. Follow me at Jennifer Aiden
to find out where my argument food van is going to be tomorrow at 4 p.m. And then then you're going
to get it. Thanos broke his sister's neck. You better watch out, she's got a spot opening a month
the yellow to you.
You have, okay I'm a bank robber now, I'm gonna I'm a terrorist and this is what I'm gonna
do.
I need four million dollars otherwise I'm gonna blow up this building in the next, I don't't know you're gonna find out and it's gonna be bad
I want four million dollars and five days are I'm blowing up this building in two
days wait a minute hey that doesn't really sync up hey I stole your child and
if you want your child back you need to pay ransom or else something, something
bad is going to happen in about five days, okay?
Then you're going to hear it.
But for right now, I got to go to Turkey, okay?
It's like an advent calendar.
Every day you open up chocolate just waiting for your mom to yell at you.
Like she were in trouble.
Five more days.
Okay. like she were in trouble five more days. Okay, so speaking of highways and turnpikes,
which you did speak of 18 minutes ago,
probably before all this, Dolores and Frank and Frank Jr.,
which I don't even know, can we call him Frank Jr.?
One of the kids is dressing like Thanos,
and Frank is trying to turn into him body wise.
I don't like the body shame, anybody, but look,
I'm very
close to being too big to get on the plane. Okay. I'm at the end of the seat belt. Everyone
looks terrified when they have to sit next to me. I'm not like it's my own fault. I enjoy
myself. But listen, I can enjoy myself a lot more eating two pizzas a day instead of
one, but I don't because there's other people in the world. My point is, Frankie, you have to, if I can't eat two pizzas a day, you can't lift two
laundry trucks a day.
You're too big!
You're huge!
That's a long way of saying you're too big, you're hurting yourself, okay?
I am happy with his size.
Although I think he looked, I mean, I think that for Frankie's body type, I thought like,
I looked at, like, for two years ago ago I thought like his look was a little stronger like he's a little sort of like you know
Meep allie now not me ball what do you call it beef me ball? He's like you know not me
Body me me bomb at you know when you call when you like when bodybuilders sometimes just like a little
They just look at a fist, you know
He sort of looks like that, but they but he's he's not nearly as big as as like other bodybuilders
And he's probably to aspire to be so
You just wait we haven't seen anything yet. He's got a true. I mean, it's just too much
I love you know
I used to love that stiff and I was younger but now that I'm old
I see what happens to people like that, you know
I mean basically what's happening to me. You don't want to get out of bed your back hurts from picking up some groceries
For your back hurts. Well, I love I lovey guy, so I have no problem with Frankie Jr.
I mean, I just think it's self-harmed.
It's like the girls do sometimes on this show where they just keep cutting their faces
and it looks like, oh my god, why are you doing that to yourself?
You know, you don't have to do that. Stop self-harming.
I feel like Frankie is self-harming with weight. It's too much.
No, I'm okay with it to be honest.
So, anyway, so Dolores and Frank and
Frank you're all in a SUV driving somewhere. Frank is driving and Dolores like, so Frank has a
feel to be home and that goes for both Frank's and the car here. Has a feel to feel eviscerated like I do,
huh? I just, you know, while we're here driving together, Frank, Frankie, June, yeah, I just wanted
you both to know if you ever lied to me again, I swear to God. Okay, you like you did like you
Don't have your seatbelt on all right. I'm gonna forgive you
But if you ever do it again, I swear to God Frank, you know what if you if you lie to me
It's like you know what I can get over the I can get over the medium-sized lives
But the small lies that I really I really can't get to say don't have an altoid in here. No, okay
Anyway, the smallest wait a second you out you're eating an altoid right now. All right. Okay. So maybe I can get over the
small lives. All right. And Frankie Jr. is holding on like he's in the back seat and it's
one of those ones with actual like seats with armrests and stuff like that back. It's
in a mini band or whatever. Yeah. So he's sitting back there and he's like grabbing, he's
so big, he's like grabbing the armrest next to him. And I was like, it it's gonna break You know, I'm just all I can think about is how strong Frankie Jr
Well, so they have this like weird sort of argument that doesn't really make sense basically Frank seniors like all right
Dolores this is what I want to do. Okay. I need to have a moment with Frank
Okay, because Frankie because I'm gonna be training him. Okay, so I need I need to the butt out while I train him
Okay, a little bit. I got to him and then we're gonna do this and you just got by I just need to do this from right now
You don't got two weeks left. Really get to fit this composition. She's like oh you can just gonna
She's like all right senior impersonation is really come a long way. Yeah, I came out of nowhere
I was like wait a second. I'm in the Frank's here zone
Whoops, you just arrived to look you just have to move all your spittle to the front of your mouth
You just have to be yeah, how can I arrange all my spittle?
This is the match. I guess it's time for a commercial. There's something like that. I don't know
No, I need I don't need a commercial. I need a new living room. Okay, Joe. That's what I need. Okay classic match
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So they go see the house that they're flipping
and she's like, look, she goes,
look, I'm getting all this yard work done, Frank. Look, you can really appreciate, look, you know, she goes, look, I'm getting all this housework, I'm getting
all this yard work done, Frank, look, you can really appreciate.
Frank, did I get my Pebble tiles?
Did I get my Pebble tiles?
Frank, did you steal that from me?
Did you take that from me?
Because Pebble tiles were my idea.
I don't see Pebble tiles here.
What is that first poo?
Then you sit on the countertop.
Then Frankie drops a piece of pasta.
Who cleaned that up?
Me.
And now there's no Pebble tiles.
I'm a viscerated. know I do I walk from my
kitchen to my living room to my living room to the dining room to the kitchen I
never see Pebble tile anywhere so I thought okay new house I get to put
Pebble tile and and that way some other person can be in there and walk from
room to room and see Pebble tile everywhere I think about their family and then
be happy but you don't even give them the Pebble tile I mean I can't
many lies have to go through i think it her actual code is
frank that we get the pebble dialed did you stiff me on that
this is her arc did she get the pebble dialed this year's is tile
i mean the law is a lot worse
worse we have to make a decision you know you can't just like coming to be
pebble-tiles like frank you said three o'clock
and then you moved into twelve and i couldn't say that you know, I had a lunch, you know, it's like
I had to go to lunch and I couldn't skip out of the lunch because if I skipped out of lunch,
then then what am I going to eat?
You know, all the pasta spilled out on the countertop.
I know because I was staring at it all morning waiting for one of you guys to come down
stairs to clean up.
You never came up, so I just stood there.
I felt the viscerated, Frank.
I felt the viscerated.
You know, as I walked from the living room to the kitchen to the bathroom,
then outside in the garden a little bit, I was thinking to myself, you know,
I can get over Frank. I can get over Frank lying to me about the
disqualment, but eviscerating my decisions, okay, belittling my decisions, like the pebbles,
okay, he changes the time and then he, he knows it's a time when I have lunch and then he knows
I'm not going to show up because it's a very important lunch to me. I see what you're doing Frank, okay? Okay. You got you can't make mistakes like I okay, thank you
You can't make mistakes like I okay. Don't buy boats. Okay. Don't spend one money on horse. Okay
Don't invest in a stamp paper
Know that the book of bridge cannot actually be bought. Okay
And make sure that no matter what you do there's no such thing as a true Nigerian
prince okay don't make my mistakes and just remember that this bombing doesn't mean just leaving
a bad review on Yelp for a ball okay it's like literally bad those like yeah I mean hey Frank
so you know while you were doing that while you were buying boats and and and spending money
on the horse I was missing Frankie and you were out there driving back and forth of your boats
with the horse hanging out the side.
I'm just imagining Dolores in her like kitchen,
island standing there alone like you have the window while Frank on like a
tugboat goes back and forth down to like brown river.
I know.
I thought that's exactly what I was imagining.
Like what does really dirty rivers like penny from like three seasons ago
was hanging out the side
Like everyone on that boat every horse speaks like
Santa's driving it
two articles. Santa's driving it. So, you know, this is just them having their family, you know, their family chemistry or whatever. And Frank's like, all right, look, look, I'm not
busted in my pools. All right. Careful, Daniel, you stay here. Now, because you ain't
going to sue me. It's the worst. It's like, wouldn't be the first time, right Frank? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So it didn't look anything like a barn and the decor was nothing farm-like.
I was like, why are you calling yourself a coffee barn?
There's nothing barn.
Like at least do a token,
like have a barn in your logo
or make the exterior sort of like wooden
or maybe even red or the interior,
there's some sort of motif.
But it was basically a former stationery store that had been turned into a coffee shop.
I think that they're running off the, I think that they're like trying to ride the popularity of the dress barn.
Yes, because you know that that's still like a top store in Jersey.
Well, no, I mean, you know, every time when then you find one of these businesses, that's too cheap to like buy their own sign and make their own logo.
Like Corgo's pizza?
Yeah, so instead what they do is they find a sign in one of those places where when businesses go out of business,
they dump their sign somewhere.
Like that place on La Brea, you know, Ronnie?
They find the sign and then they scribble at what they're like, like it was if it said dress bar and they scribble at the dress and put in coffee instead.
So that's what this place is.
Coffee bar.
Hey, coffee bar.
It's a regular coffee bar and up in here, huh?
So like coffee knows.
Wait a minute.
Why is that a dominoes symbol?
Coffee hot.
Coffee johns.
What is the FedEx coffee store?
So coffee ex.
Coffee.
That coffee is falling off the sign that it's taped on to.
Bakaafi fresh.
Coffee only.
So Jackie shows up at this coffee barn place.
And I felt so bad for the poor hipster gay behind the counter
because he's just there waiting to get off break so we can listen to some like
on the different go in the back room you know he's just like just there just working he's
just like a gay probably does not watch the real housewives and I'm like oh you're about
to be witnessed to like a Jackie and Teresa scene he's not what's gonna hit him.
Yeah I imagine that he goes to the back and like puts on air pods
It, you know, he listens to waitress in
I like thinking of every gay coffee barista just listening to the soundtrack to waitress
That's probably more accurate because on a different goes from like 25 years ago
So young hipster gays are probably not into her just yet. But Sarah Borealis on Broadway.
Sarah Borealis, I mean...
The Sarah Borealis!
Whoa! The Sarah Borealis!
It's a better pop.
It's a better pop. Did you see the Sarah Borealis last night? It was beautiful.
She couldn't even walk until I put her on my breast. now she's an entire galaxy of stars a Sarah Borealis
Oh, we have an update which is that when we were recapping
Vanderpump rules anyone who watched Vanderpump rules saw this very famous broken berg's bird segment and
Arionomatics herself commented on our Instagram at watchwork albums that
There was some shady editing and that the bird actually died.
So, that was so sad.
Sorry, I had to blurt it out.
The bird died.
Like, God!
Classic Ariana.
The bird died.
The bird died.
I'm very serious about bird deaths.
So I had to announce that.
So, Jackie is there to get coffee.
And then Teresa walks in and Jackie's like, do you want coffee?
You want coffee?
And Teresa's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just have a coffee.
I don't know why I was so amused by Teresa ordering coffee.
Because she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me put this down.
And then she has this giant Birken bag that she's like, you know, do you ever learn your fucking lesson?
You're trying to be the victim about not having enough money while Joe's gone and
having to work like 10 jobs and you're walking in with the fucking Birkin.
And you know, Melissa is smart and she only carried or poor and only carries
around fake Birkins, but you know that Teresa has a real Birkin.
It's like, I don't know why it's like.
I wanna see one of these ladies carry around a tote bag.
Her proper tote bag because I don't know if the TV party
out people can see.
There's like three or four tote bags on that door behind me
because that's real, that's real right there.
Okay, these tote bags, these sort of collect over like,
like I'll be walking around.
I've got my countless Leuand tote bag,
I got a random CBT tote bag, I got like,
you know, you just collect them from,
I got a tote bag from like, Trader Joe's, you know,
like that's what I want to see, I want to see that.
I find those tote bags and those tote bags
can suck my P9.
Trader Joe's one.
All of them, because I'm using paper bags,
okay, I'm back to paper bags, because you buy the tote bags and then it's time for the
store.
I get over there and I'm like, forgot my bags and then you buy more.
And then I read some article that said those tote bags, those grocery tote bags give you
cancer.
Okay.
Well, the truth is, grocery tote bags, grocery tote bags and paper straws that's going
to end up being the infant. Let me tell you something. You are going to be a grocery
tote bag. First of all, it's grocery tote bags tend to be very poor. What you need
is like, you need like a fancy tote bag that's like cloth, like a canvas. Because those
are awesome. And on top of that, they're bigger. So you can actually carry more stuff into
one bag. Although, hello, I am very upset about something right here. So mad I access
to say hello for no reason. I went to a sprazi other day
and I got a holding of chicken thighs
and they were out of the little plastic bags
that go around like me and stuff like that.
And they jammed the chicken thighs into my tote bag.
And then did I have to tell you about this already?
But the chicken leaked everywhere.
So I had to like wash my tote bag.
And then I actually had to like wipe down
my little protein bars
I was like washing protein bars in plastic and then later you bit your nails and you got salmon that land died
I'm telling you those bags are causing deaths all over the world
Yeah, it's the same thing. You heard it here first. I'm very angry about it
You know there's so many ways to sell it you'd like to save the planet like I don't know
So many other ways someone else can come up at this, okay?
I'm not the fixer, I'm the complainer.
Good.
So anyway, so they're having coffee and Jackie's doing her full on like, well, you know,
Terry said, wants to talk about stuff, but I'm not going to be yelled out.
I'll tell you that much.
I'm not going to be yelled out by Theresa.
I'm going to tell you that right now.
Yeah.
So she's to rest it down and Jackie's like, you know, I want you to you that right now. Yeah, so she's to rest it sound and Jack is like you know
I want you to know that what you get to me at Margaret's house was not
Excuseable, okay, and she's like
But you can't say to me to me for you came at me first and then Jack is like
But is that the way you argue with people is that what you're supposed to do and
And
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah are like, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so it's a
jack, tree say is calm down a lot like she's come in here like, yeah, but you know, that's
what I do, you came for the family. So then Jack is like, so if you didn't mean to be
disrespectful, why did you say you've been here
five minutes and if you want to make it ten you better show your mouth, which to me sounded
like a threat. And then Jackie just smiles like, like, I got you with logic right now.
Yeah, Teresa doesn't understand logic anyway. So she's like, I wasn't a threat. I was just saying
I'm gonna kill you. If you ever say something about my family again. Kim stay out of it.
Husband stay out of it.
George stay out of it.
Get your hands down.
Stay out of it.
Stay out of the pastas.
Stay out of meatballs.
Stay out the red sauces.
Stay out of it.
Stay out of it.
Stay out of it.
Stay out of it.
Stay out of it.
I actually thought Jackie it was kind of brilliant because I thought what was going to happen was
listen to Lisa we got off on the wrong foot and I really liked it.
I didn't mean to offend you.
I just wanted to be friends and then Teresa was like, but you talked about my husband and
my kid.
You can't talk about does it get them off limits.
But instead Jackie was like, listen, you can't disrespect me.
And she actually controlled the narrative of that argument because then
she immediately put Teresa on defense where Teresa had to basically be spending her energy
defending that she wasn't being disrespectful rather than Teresa accusing Jackie of like
you can't say these things.
So it was kind of amazing because Teresa did not get to control it the way she normally
does.
It was right.
Right.
And yeah, she kind of started by scolding her, but then she added up,
she followed up with a good old how to win friends and influence people where she's like,
like I wasn't saying anything bad about you. What I was saying is that you're a really good,
strong woman and a strong mother and treats her like, oh,
okay, that's on my. Thank you. That's on my. That's great.
That's not mine, thank you, that's not mine, that's great. Jack is like, so can we agree that I disrespected you,
but you disrespected me and then Teresa's like,
uh, uh, but, uh, but if you didn't,
it makes you the, uh, uh, uh,
Teresa got Teresa's like, uh,
she just blinks a little bit and then she goes, you know, I see what Jackie's saying
But this is like this is the second strike for Jackie. So I'm gonna give her a second chance
Your math isn't adding up to you
First of all, there was no first strike
Second of all if you're on the second
Let me guess your husband did that,
and you knew nothing about it.
She doesn't understand strikes.
Oh God, I was blinking like Teresa so much
that I got one of my long lashes, eyelashes,
stuck in my eye, now it hurts.
So then we go over to Powerhouse Gym,
which I think that, I don't remember if that's
Dolores' Gym, it probably is.
And so, do they have a Powerhouse?
Well, there was a name for that gym.
What was it?
I just think of it as MASS.
Yeah, MASS.
MASS.
How about I'm gonna go work out of MASS.
Here's the Cardio section.
It's name, it's dedicated to Boo.
You know, because I don't have Boo anymore.
You know, I don't Frank yet on a Boo. They never come see me. I'm waiting here for the pebble tile to show up
It never shows up
so
Yeah, so Teresa shows up wearing like a piece of my lar and
She's like
Teresa Teresa, what is this you where you're going off to going out to a nightclub right now?
Teresa what's going on with this Teresa?
Let's go to me to go and just go just
go in front of it and I will survive. So basically Teresa's fire those two
ladies that were training her because they're too far away and they yell at
her and that lady you don't just start yelling at Teresa okay she's gonna fire
you immediately which he did yeah exactly And so we just basically see Teresa exercising for about five minutes.
Yeah, I was, I was like, why? I kept, why? I kept taking notes, but then I was like, why?
And then Frank's like, yeah, he's got this working out. It's got to help with Joby in a way, huh?
She's like, yeah, I really asked it, y'all. Yogi don't like when you use race, but I put it in there anyway cuz like he's prepared like what's he gonna do?
He can't even talk to me. No, I'm saying
So he's cool. He's cool me training you. I bet he wouldn't be I bet I probably don't want you
I could train with you right right like you said yeah
He's totally fine with it because it's you if it was another guy. I was like wow, we didn't insult Frank's manhood
Okay, so then we get to go to Turkey. I need more fanfare. Yeah, you know what I mean
We're going to Turkey and they're like we're in Turkey now
You know because there's a store that says turkeys Delights or whatever. Yeah, they kind of they kind of treated it like
She was like she was going
into the city to pick up some linens but it's like she went like across the world to a foreign
country and she was Jennifer was like okay we're on the cast trip now and this is very excited
I can't wait to show all the girls my home country oh oh it's just me oh okay all right
I know we actually thought they were gonna have have a cast trip, which you know,
I'm really glad that they didn't because this cast out of all cast is a cast you don't want to send over there.
No, this is not a turkey friendly cast.
Yes, it's not a turkey friendly. Like the animal or the
or the country or even the even the bowling term.
So yeah, even three strikes in a row. Or the country or even the even the bowling term so
Yeah, even three strikes in a row. Yeah, we see Teresa's already having trouble with the first two strikes so
Did I get Turkey's get
Did I get Turkey's is
So anyway, so Jennifer shows up
And she basically goes into the department and likes and it's like five minutes of her being like
Oh my aunt, oh look, it's my cousin, oh what's my other aunt?
Okay, it's a couch in our culture when we talk to each other
Sometimes we sit on couches. That's what we do in my culture
Yeah, she's like you think my furniture's bad way
to see my family.
Yeah.
I was like, geez, the only shock in this
is that all that furniture wasn't covered in plastic.
Yeah, and then it all fit in that apartment, you know?
Yeah, there are all thrones where people go
ask for a mission for the daughters or whatever.
Yeah, exactly.
And then we find out Jennifer's only going to Turkey
for two days.
Like wow, Bravo did not have the,
they're like, we do not have the budget for you today.
Any longer and Turkey girl.
Which is totally weird.
I just got something from retirement solutions.
Oh, I always, I don't know.
I've been in the same ARP for years.
Yeah.
What was I gonna say?
Oh yeah, she's like,
I'm only here for two days.
I was like, you just bagged up like 10 pairs of shoes.
We saw you.
You fucking weirdo.
So she comes in dripping in diamonds or everything,
which I'm sure her family just loves Jennifer.
Yes.
You know, you know, this family's like, that's not a bitch
coming from America.
Yes.
Also, it just hit me that, of course, this chick,
because they're talking about like so that you set it up
Who set up this what this marriage which is like oh no he picked her himself, you know, it was last time we were here
He picked her and I was like oh, so she wouldn't be with him for six years until she heard you were on a TV show
This woman is gonna be a nightmare. I'm gonna say is going to be like a cast preview for 90 day fiance.
And this woman is going to kill you and all of your family.
Yeah.
Have fun.
So then we go back to New York City where Melissa and Joe
have brought their kids to a place called Sugar,
because it's Joey, Jr.'s birthday.
I mean, obviously, I think it goes out saying that this place
sugar looks like my nightmare. Like any place that serves a
Like a fish bowl of like blue liquid is like I do not want to be anywhere near it
I like yeah, I was disgusted. Yeah, it was it was pretty gross
I was mostly just disgusted that there are still people like Joe Gorgon in the world
I was disgusted that amazing because you love to have good Joe Gorgon, but God, he's a shithead. He's really a shithead.
Yeah, he's a shithead. And I almost felt bad for Melissa
until she ordered a banana chunk martini at which point I was like,
you know what, you guys deserve each other.
I don't like banana chunk martini.
Yeah, fuck the book. The word chunk should never be around a martini.
Like the word chunk that descriptor should never be around a martini. Like the word chunk that descriptor
should never be associated with martini.
Unless they're doing like,
and even if it were just as simple as a banana martini
with like a little thing with like bananas on it in there,
even if it's just that, that's disgusting.
A banana martini with banana garnish.
Uh-uh, I'm not accepting it.
Yeah, even grosser, just personality.
Yes. So just like, hey, Joey, you grosser. Joe's personality. Yes.
So Joe's like, hey, Joey, you know, it's your birthday.
What are you gonna be when you grow up?
Joey, what are you gonna be when you grow up?
You're gonna be like your dad, huh?
You're gonna sell buildings, huh?
You're gonna sell buildings like your dad.
Instead of sell shirts like your mom.
Like what's buying shirts?
Gonna buy you nothing.
Like she can't even pay for a banana,
Chuck Plattini, am I right?
Yeah, because Joe Jr. is like, I want to build houses.
And then he's like, what about you went to aun years like, I wanna build houses and then he's like,
what about you, Antonija's like,
I wanna own a boutique and then we see a flat,
we used to have flashback of Antonija saying this to Jo
and he's like,
what, you're mother brainwashing you or something?
I'm like, you're the one who just was proud
that your son was gonna go into your lot of business, okay?
Yeah, Jo, you're doing great with that whole restaurant
that was open two weeks, you do.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Hey, how's
your truck business? How's your shredding business going? You know, and this like tricks you
into like saying that Melissa's doing a good job. No one is suggesting that here. Yes. Okay.
No one is giving Melissa credit for being a strong business woman. But still what a prick.
Yeah. And he's like, and have you noticed like, I can show you next. We're talking on
webcam. But if you notice like he does this and he never looks at anybody.
He's like it in a play where someone's playing a blind person and they're just kind of not focused.
They're just like turning condoms towards the scene of the, the, the sound of what whoever's talking.
You know, he's like, what can you believe that?
Like buildings?
You want to build?
I know what you're going to do.
You're going to have a building that I own, huh?
Huh?
Hey, Antonia.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, have a look at the prices and see what you can afford owning a
boutique, huh?
It's like, you are such a dick.
Like, I mean, admittedly, you know, being a 13 year old and saying what you want to do
when you grow up is owning a boutique is not like the most ambitious thing compared to
like, you know, maybe being a mass murderer like
Jen's child yeah exactly but still it's like it's still it's still a very
noble aspiration to be a business owner etc and like fuck him fuck him for
belittling her this is this sort of like I'm just busting her balls I'm just
busting her balls that's the sort of shit that will scar someone I'm just busting her balls. I'm just busting her balls. That's the sort of shit that will scar someone.
I'm sorry, like the busting her balls shit.
Like that's the stuff that like 20 years down the line.
And you're like, oh yeah, this is why this is all happening.
Cause my dad was always busting my balls.
Yeah, he's raising a monster
because that little joke hit is gonna be session assaulter.
You watch prediction here.
And he was like in 10 years.
Yeah, Joe's like, you know in retail,
you only can make enough money to wear clothes.
That's all.
I'm like, you're an idiot.
You don't know anything.
Just go back and do your work.
Yeah, start a new build a house with fake
granite countertops that broke when people touch them.
Okay, Joe.
Just do, do the one thing that you're good at,
which is getting naked and please do it in play girl.
Okay, that's how you can redeem yourself right now.
Okay, back to the club on the boardwalk.
Okay, the boys need you.
Just release a dick pick already so we can move on with our lives.
Oh, so now we see a sign for Turk-specialties.
Is that Turk-spe Turkish specialty shade?
So Melissa, I mean, Jen is still over there.
And she sees Melda.
Yeah, Melda.
Melda, the legend of Zelda comes in.
She's like,
Link, be cap or lean.
The Blood Moon rises link.
Um, yeah, so Melda is there.
Um, and you know, Melda's, you know, I think, I think she's pretty.
And I was like, this poor lady, she must have really had some terrible experiences with
men.
Like she's just giving up on life hasn't she?
Because-
Yeah, she's like suffocate me at this point.
Like, I literally don't even care.
I see a boulder coming towards me,
and I'm just gonna lay down and let it roll over me.
You know, just put me on TV.
She's like, I'm cute,
and for some reason it's nothing's working out for me,
so fuck it.
Just send me to Jersey.
Send me to Jersey with this guy. I don't care
And Jim's in her full on like in my culture. This is how it works
When two people when people two people get married then their family becomes like sisters
I'm like, we are sisters. That's like literally. Yeah. That's like literally how it works everywhere
You get sick. Yeah like well not in Jersey
I'm like some family in New Jersey
Like why is it okay for you to constantly talk shit, but this lady can't call your spoil that children's boy
Exactly and Jennifer's is fully like inhabiting the role of you know
Every character played by like Catherine Haunt, where she's like the
nosy like sister-in-law matchmaker like oh my god we're gonna be sisters I can't
wait for the wedding you know and like she's like the side character that gets
like something spilled on her and the like the finals you know the movie and
the audience is like yeah yeah but she's like okay Malda okay she's speaking
your English is good it's good, I'm gonna help you practice though
because you're gonna come to New Jersey now. Yeah, this is your life. You're moving to New Jersey. You're going from a global city
with great historical significance that bridges Europe and Asia and you're gonna come to Paramus instead
We have more cameras there. We do have more cameras there and
Melda's like oh, it's been one and half months. I miss him so.
Mel, you're laying it on a little bit.
Oh, I miss Mitchell so much. It's Michael. Yes, yes, Michael.
He's tall. I love looking at him. His tall six foot four body and blonde hair.
Well, smart like a six foot four width and black hair.
But close, close.
Jennifer is like, it's going to be difficult for her.
She's used to the traditional role of women.
And in America, she's going to see a whole new world, you know.
My brother wants a traditional wife, though. So I hope that when she decides she wants to branch out
that he accepts that because it's a different country. I'm like, oh, your brother wants
to tradition, your brother wants a traditional woman that he can pick out at a wedding and
just like uses a birthing pot. Listen, people, this is, I'm not disrespecting other cultures,
but this is American now and that shit don't fly.
Yeah, okay, I can tell you that right now.
Exactly, and Jill's on TV,
party says, just branch out, mean divorce.
It's like, yeah, probably.
She's gonna come with her feet.
At the very least cheat or audition for a spin off.
Yeah, okay, no Jennifer's gonna be the evil sister.
She's all like, oh my God, we assist her right now. Resisters go into piramis, it's gonna be the evil sister. She's all like oh my god. We assist is right now
Resisters go into piramis. It's gonna be a wonderful time for both of us and both of our coaches
But you know that like when Melda comes to piramis
You know that Jennifer is gonna have an eye on her the entire time and basically be let's just be like that evil woman in
Colt movies, you know who's like yes, how we did things here, you know. You can tell by how she hugs her.
Because she hugs her too hard.
She's like,
ah, ah, ah, ah,
every time she sees her.
And I'm like, that's like a chokehold that you've got.
Okay.
And so it'll be like,
how's everything going, Melda?
Melda will be like,
I'm tired, it's rough with baby.
And she's gonna be like,
oh, I talked to Melda.
She's complaining about how difficult it is being your wife and how horrible you're being to her.
I mean, it's that, you know, like always causing shit.
I see it happening with.
Oh, totally.
So then they go to the airport to pick up Michael and it's like, Melda, Melda, you're hugging
the security officer.
This is Michael over here.
Oh, my God.
Melda, you're walking the wrong way. I'm healthy. You're running
towards the wrong person. Melda, that's Skycap. That's Skycap. Melda. No, no, no, you want
to come. No, no, that's, that's, that's an Uber driver. No, this is Michael over here. Yeah,
no, it really is him. Yeah. No, I know he looks a little different from his pictures. I get
that. But no, this is him. This is your future husband. Are you? I think you're a mistake and you seem to
be flying going into the airport. No, you can't. No, you have to this way, Melda, this
way. I noticed that Melda's car kind of looks like Michael.
It's like the same shape. She's like, I thought I'd been writing him this whole time. So this sort of car that like, I feel like a liaison in a spy movie picks up the spy at,
you know, she's like, I'm Melda, get in.
I'll take you where you need to go.
It's like, it's like, it's a spy liaison car.
I think we've really fleshed out a lot of Melda.
We really think it out a lot of that.
Yeah, I cannot wait for Melda because I feel like Melda. You really think it out a lot of that, you know?
Yeah, I cannot wait for Melda
because I feel like Melda's gonna be a fucking nightmare.
And I think that she might be the reason
that they cast Jennifer.
I think Melda is like, I would not be surprised
if next season there's like a scene of Melda
throwing a teacup at a wall, like angry.
Might be known as something crash. So be like trying to do chorizo stuff, but just on a melted
level should be like I flip teacup. She has everything in miniature. She's like,
for making that tiny food, have you ever seen that tiny food? There's like a chef who makes
tiny little food. She goes to like, she sits in the
play pen for a year and calls it a wick, calls a camp. Okay, so now we go in and like,
Margie, that out. Can you believe it? Like we're putting the got the bags for a hopeless
shop that like this is like this is fabulous, this is fabulous. Meldy, Meldy. That's really nice. Meliny.
Meliny, all right.
Okay. Here's what we do.
We're putting these gift bags.
Okay. We got Lexi over here.
We got, I don't know where March is.
Okay. She's probably like in a bath looking at her face.
I don't know. Here's Meliny.
Okay. Meliny. Just put stuff in here.
This is like a gift bag.
But Meliny, what are you doing in your mouth?
Ah, Meliny.
Yeah.
Lexi is like, Meliny!
Meliny, you can't even put together.
I'll keep going!
You'll learn multiple acts, man.
So Jackie comes over and Marge is like, oh, I can do it.
My house is still not finished because Super Slow Joe has never since the speed when it comes
to what it has.
I'm saying, Super Slow Joe, that's a much classic match right there.
That's for your Joe. Super Slow Joe. Okay, you know, I'm saying super slow Joe. That's that's a much classic match right there. That's for you, Joan. Super similar.
So Joe, no job.
Slow about.
And then Mal comes over and she's like, Oh my god, we can have some sushi right now.
It's going to be amazing. We're going to have some sushi. It's going to be fantastic.
We're going to make these bags for hopeless ladies. They have a lot of glitter products
of them, which is really whatever you have those person. It's glitter, more glitter
on their face, on their lips, on their, everywhere, everywhere, get person. It's glitter more glitter on their face on their lips. But everywhere
we get it, it's going to be glitter. Oh, by
the way, I was telling Barlady about how
Jen, how Jen has Caberson has to make
sure that people are stealing from her and
she said, you tell her, I said, fuck you.
Or you see, tell her, I said that.
She will. She's going to tell her that and
then Jen's going to be you too. Yeah Marlene
So Marlene comes in with a sushi plate. She's like sushi plada
Excuse me baby girls, so then she leaves and they basically like it you know
There's a lot of there's like catch up on first. They talked about Jennifer at the communion Jennifer being mad at Jackie and Jackie
Talks about how her conversation with Teresa went and then Marge is talking
about Danielle and Marge is saying how like she's they've been she and Danielle have been
like having a text fight and Melissa's like you know what Danielle at her wedding she
showed me a side that I never saw before I'm like I'm pretty sure everyone's seen every
side of Danielle and everyone's no conanny. So you never saw that side.
Do you not remember Facebooking with Danielle
before you were ever on the show giving her
gossip about Teresa to try and ruin Teresa's life
and then coming on the reunion and fucking
screaming at Teresa like crazy with ammo
that you had given her Melissa.
Are you just forgetting all of this Melissa?
You love that side of her. It got you a job.
Yeah. So Danielle has been setting text to Marge,
you know, like you're crazy,
you don't have compassion, whatever it was.
She just like, well Danielle was like,
I cannot believe that you would act like this.
I don't know who you are.
You are bulldozing everybody.
You do not give any way the chance
and Marge is like, and then I just wrote back I said I was
you a happy life and I never speak to me again and they're like girl girl and
then she is oh a PS the she writes the next day happy by this day because all this
stuff this is like Daniel's love language Daniel's like yeah she's a good friend
she told me she told me never talked to her again.
Great friend.
Did you see the watch that happens, I, you didn't know?
I didn't, but I saw that I was Daniel Stauvin,
Lindsey Lohan, which was fantastic casting.
I mean, it was the most awkward shit ever.
Was it, it was, maybe the most awkward since Debra Winger.
Of course, I haven't watched it since then,
so maybe it's just that show.
But Lindsey Lohan is a complete damn mess, okay?
I don't even care at this point if she's drunk or not.
I can't tell.
She's one of those people that's been drunk so much.
She's just falling down anyway.
And like, she could be sober and she's still falling down.
But Lindsay Lohan is the first person
that I've seen as a child who's gotten older than me.
No, like when you're in a adult
and you watch people grow up,
I've watched her grow up so fast that she's now like 10 years older than me, which I don't know how
that happened. And then she kept, she hated Danielle. So she kept giving Danielle looks
like, eh, because everything Danielle said was idiotic. Danielle said, well, at this point
in the juncture, Marty and I are trying to get it out of the public. What did she say?
She didn't say take it out. She said, we're trying to get it out of the public. What did she say? She didn't say take it out there.
She said, we're trying to get it out of the public consumption
or something like, if she was making no sense,
she's so stupid.
And Lindsay was just giving her dirty looks the whole time.
And then that was pretty much it.
And Danielle got matter and matter as it went on
and it was because she was totally making this respect,
babe.
Oh, I have the bride.
They need to make her a full-time cast member
next season.
I know you can't stand her, but like,
some of the, honestly, like over the past last season
in this season, that some of our greatest moments
have circled around Danielle.
She is so ridiculous.
Like this show, New Jersey has been really, I think,
like in the zone and has been really, like think in the zone, and it's been really,
I've been loving it this season,
and I think the thing that we'll put it over the top
is just like a more Danielle stop,
because she brings that lack of self-awareness
and over the top,
I don't wanna say a draw about this.
It's like faking it.
So I don't find it as fun when I feel like you're obviously faking it.
But you know, when you really do get her mad, she's not faking it.
She really is just so loony too.
Like last night, she said that she's going to Dubai to stay in Lindsay's house.
And Lindsay looked at her like, what?
She's like, yeah, your mom invited me and I'm getting this from Kim A online.
Thank you for reminding me.
And she's just looking at her like,
uh, and Andy said, that's all right, right?
She's like, uh,
uh,
I feel like, I feel like with Danielle Stubbs,
she is faking it, but she,
she's faking because she's thinking
that she's like controlling her like story.
So she's like, I'm gonna give them what they want,
but she doesn't realize that she's still so crazy
that like, we all see the parts that she's trying to fake
and see other shit that she just can't help
with being Danielle.
Yeah, she's just ridiculous.
She's a ridiculous crazy woman,
and I want more of her.
Well, I love Marge's just like complete cutoff.
Who does how I get?
I'm like, okay, take it, I can take it.
Nope, can't take it anymore.
Get out.
So now we go over to Dolores's event, this charity event for women of the shelter that we've been seeing a little bit the season.
Our good friends from Priv are there and for the first time I'm actually happy about this because we get to meet Dexter from Priv.
And I was like, oh Dexter and even Dolores is like that. Dolores is like, what's your name? Dexter? It doesn't look like a Dexter.
like, what's your name? Dexter? It doesn't look like a Dexter.
What is it? Like, or are? I think it looks exactly like a Dexter.
Well, Dexter's a a serial killer. And then B, I think she means like point Dexter, like kind of a nerdy guy. She's like, oh, you don't look like a Dexter,
because he's like so big and strong.
I think of CK Dexter Haven from the Philadelphia story, which I played in eighth grade.
Thank you. Thank you. eighth grade. Thank you.
Thank you everyone.
I thank you.
I thank you.
I'm from the 80s, which worked wonders if you really needed the poop all day long.
Also, I feel like Dexter is a pretty common gay porn name for like gay porn stars.
I've seen a few Dexter's and they tend to be just sort of like muscular black men.
So honestly, let's just like put it all out there. This is like hi. I'm doing some gay porn. My name is Einstein
Give me a jack hi. I'm my name is Niels Bohr
As in I'm gonna go down your hole
So basically this is a lot of
Sadness because the loris is you know, it's like real charity
and when people do real work for real, I'm like, this is so touching.
It was actually a really lovely scene, I thought.
I was even bored.
You know what?
Because I thought that kid Jeremiah was so sweet, this kid who goes from shelter to shelter
and I was like, can we have Dolores like adopt or foster Jeremiah Jeremiah because I am ready to watch that relationship.
I'm ready to watch Dolores like she needs a little boy in her life and like this is like the perfect like you know Christmas time movie that we've been waiting for like
He needed a mother and she needed someone to stand and walk walk through the kitchen to the living room to the kitchen to the living room and look at Pebble tile with
walk walk through the kitchen to the living room to the kitchen to the living room and look at Pebble tile with. She's like Jeremiah.
So let's flip this house. Okay, let's say let's say in our house, and I hate to flip in this house.
What tiles would you pick? He's like Pebbles.
Yeah, hi, do you name his boo? Okay, you're my son now. Come on.
You know what, I asked Jeremiah, I said Jeremiah, did you clean your room? He said yes, I went up there, there's toys everywhere, everywhere.
You know what, the big lies I can handle, but the small lies that Jeremiah tells, I don't
know if I can get by that.
I love that chorizo so stupid. He's like, hi Jeremiah. Hi. Jeremiah, this is your home
grain with the anthem breakfast. And he's like, chips. Say, chips, that's not healthy.
Why did you do that? Just for breakfast. It's a lorse. It's like, chips. Same. CHIP, that's not healthy. Why did you do that? Just for breakfast.
That's a loris.
It's like, tell him why you had chips.
Jeremiah.
He's like, that's all we had.
And she's like, oh, all right.
Come on, let's get something into it.
To read.
Jim's her as champs like,
CHIP, true.
Just why?
But I actually did oddly enough.
You know, I'm not a big Teresa fan. But I actually did think it, you know I'm not a big Theresa fan,
but I actually did think it was cute
that she took him under her wing a little bit
and got him food.
Like all the women, a maternal instinct
came out of all the women that for a moment,
they weren't all being monsters.
And it was actually, I thought,
I don't know, I thought, it was even Melissa Gorga,
she held this, she's like,
I'll hold the baby, You go and get like a treatment
It didn't feel like a fake moment where she's trying to look at the camera. I felt like it was like a genuine
Like this like joint maternal thing came out that I actually really liked
Unfortunately when she handed that baby back to the mother it had its eyebrows tattooed on but it also had like a lot of self esteem issues about its life goals.
So did you show this baby to Joe maybe? She put down the baby and it was like sexually harassing
other babies. What happened to my baby? You had it for a second, didn't it? Well, the good news is
that your baby's fine. The bad news is that he tried to open up a pasta restaurant.
The bad news is he just put his hand up.
Somebody's about on camera.
Sorry, I don't know where he got that.
Oh, I be.
So then they're all sitting around.
They're like, okay, this seems been too nice.
Let's be evil again.
So they're talking about Jennifer and how she's gone to Turkey
and because the melda and Michael situation and March thinks
this is crazy. You know, melda's like, it's like Melda and Michael situation, and Marge thinks this
is crazy, you know, Melda's like, it's like, Melda doesn't know the guy, then like within
two weeks they're like engaged and then married and they haven't even had sex yet, and Marge
like, what if he's like a dad, like, I mean, what's going on? This is like crazy, this is
like, you know, this is like, it's like going to a Joe and River show and finding out you're
seeing how he man dealt, it's just like not the same, you know what this is like, it's like going to a Joe and River show and finding out you're seeing how he manned out. It's just like
not the same. You know what I'm saying? That's for you, Joe. And for you how
it both of you guys love each other. Anyway, like, what is this? It's like Michael
is he like, oh, last licks. Okay, marry this guy now. I got no other plans, which
is of course what we're totally thinking. But when she says that the music does
like the Bill Aiden eyes flare, it's like, pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss walk. Yeah, what I mean, if your man goes to jail and leads you with a suit of honor
in the basement for no good reason, you stay with him anyways. But you just lay in
weight and patiently until he's supported. You know, sometimes it works out. And sometimes
you wind up with a human meatball that does karate kicks in the garage and falls over in the foil loses tooth, you know.
But I got angel the boys. So the keyword here is that Marge is like, well, I have to melt the dozen to be like a male or a bride. I mean, that's what it sounds like to me because
that of course is going to be the key male or the bride is the phrase to remember. The
password is male or a bride. Yeah, and then there's another one
because she goes then of course Teresa's like,
she's me and death man, you don't know that matter,
you don't know the matter,
matters and brothers are off them and.
So Teresa's like all projecting and then Margaret goes,
I mean, it's like she's expired milk.
You know what I mean?
It's like who buys expired milk?
What does she dollar store bride's expired?
She's like a bushy bell pepper.
Did you get my daughter?
I mean, it's like a salghi apple, you know what I'm saying?
It's like real to the lettuce.
It's like romaine lettuce before the recall, you know what I'm saying?
It's the real made lettuce that pours in everybody.
You have to get like a bag of baby spinach, you open up
and they're sort of like slimy
and some of them are brown and they're like,
what's this?
That's melt-a-basically, am I right everyone?
Little Spanish human.
Yeah, she's gonna get in big trouble.
And I would love to be against her,
but we've said like literally all those things.
I'm not against her at all.
She's saying exactly.
Here's the thing, I'm not a, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,
believe it or not, I don't like turn my nose up
at the tradition, it is like if it's a cultural thing,
it's a cultural thing, but like I just feel like
it's weird that Melda for six years, like six years ago
was like, eh, and now she's all of a sudden,
she's like, sure, I'm arming in two weeks.
I'm like, hmm, that's what's weird to me.
TV, TV does wonders.
And desperation.
Yeah.
So then we go back to Turkey, and it's like very lavish.
And of course, Jennifer's walking around the giant
Chanel earrings and hello
Chanel. Yeah, even her mom's like she drives me crazy
Yeah, yeah, I was I was so mad that Jennifer's
Brothers name was not Marcos. That way the big sign of background could save Melda Marcos
I just totally what it look like a first right?
I was like, oh my God, it says the shallow woman with like 18
closets of shoes, you know?
So I don't think it worked out well for her Jen.
So Jennifer is like, oh, the promise of engagement and
her in all culture, which is all she says, like she's perfect
for this show, because that's all they say on this show.
Yeah.
And all culture and all culture. So she's like in all culture, the promise of engagement is
different than a regular regular engagement. And America, you get down on a knee and all culture
only one person gets down on Vanne's. I'm like, what does that mean? Hey, both people don't get
on their knees in American culture either. Yes, you idiot. And
then is that like a like a low job something like an only one person gets head and this like
what do you even draw this sounds like?
Even worse than the original marons. What a naughty and you end up my life. Which I
don't know the point is that at the the art So then she's like that pork that was spending too much away from home because of that one-need blowjob
He's always
Blowjob so she's like so in our culture when you get married our families marry each other
That's why we have so many family members that come to the weddings. I'm like, I'm pretty sure that they just like pick you up out of Turkey three years ago and get you here.
I'm like, I'm pretty sure that's what happens in most weddings in our country, in our culture.
When we do a toast, we actually raise a glass and say a little speech and then everyone
raises a glass and everyone drinks it at the same time. time is just the way we do it in our culture.
It's interesting because being from a Lebanese family, some of them are like that, you know,
they're very old school and they're like in our culture, the man, the woman raises the
kids and they, they don't on the man and the man is the leader of the household.
And then my dad, who's full fledged first generation,
married like a nutcase, Rhonda,
red-headed American white girl.
And so there's like that part of the family, too,
that's like completely opposite.
And I remember we asked my sister and my grandma,
we were like, what do you think of it?
Because she didn't want us to learn the language.
She wanted us to be American, that's it, you know?
And so we asked her about that one time
because she's doting on my grandpa
and he was being kind of grouchy with her.
And we're like, well, what do you think
of the Americanized version?
She said, well, that's being American,
but I wasn't, you know, I didn't have that luxury.
It's still the same, but she's basically telling them,
like run.
And she was very happy, but she loved my mom being like that some time.
And by the way, it's not to say like, I mean, obviously, I think we both fully understand
what what Jennifer is truly trying to say, you know, like she's really be saying like it's
really like, it's not so much like putting the bride and groom on a pedestal.
It's really like family forward
So I get that it just that I feel like every time she says things she said she like oversimplifies it in a way like
It's like where we don't even under like like like everyone's stupid like they're the only people who have marriage
You know like America the morals have gone so bad in America that we can't even understand what she's fucking confident
Yeah, exactly so we see yeah, so anyway, so
So that was a lot for nothing,
but it just bugs me,
because it's like she keeps saying this cultural thing,
cultural thing, and it's like, yeah,
but we're still going through a huge revolution in America.
And while we, all cultures are welcome, et cetera, et cetera.
Like, I mean, good luck with this is all I can say.
Good luck, because freedom catches on very quickly.
Okay, and if your brother really thinks
he's gonna have some submissive wife
coming over here on about,
he's got another thing coming
because Melda got plans.
Well, let me, you know, as one said,
one one saying,
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
And he knows else is another word
for nothing left to lose.
Melda.
So.
So.
And I know what else is another word for nothing left to lose? Melda.
So.
So.
So the broad, so anyway, so then Jennifer's just like
hectoring Melda and the most annoying, we're just like,
so maybe about a year you can have a baby,
think about having a baby, I could help raise it.
You know, I could be, I could be like the baby mama, as I say,
but I'm not the baby mama.
Anyway, she has some names that you might want for your baby, Thanos. I hear Thanos is a popular name right now. You
want to name your baby Thanos? No? The Hulk. She's just like, so she's just such a
yunta. And then the brothers like, can I touch her now? No, that's a laugh for the
wedding. She goes, you know, in America. She's like an America people just have sex
But here you don't have sex until you married so they're excited to jump on that bandwagon
The sex bandwagon
Poor Melda justice for Melda so
Remelda, yeah, seriously
So so now we go back to Jersey and Teresa's at home. I know no, who's just sitting on your back
Yeah, no, no
I think I'm gonna put out the act plants that we made
I just gave myself a hammer right by the way. I think that like that's why he talks like that
He just he just needs like to get some preparation agent. He'll be like oh it's so nice to see you again business
And he's like oh
Like someone tell him to eat some vegetables or some beans or something
No, no need some help.
No, no.
So anyway, so Dolores and Jennifer come over.
Jennifer's already back from Turkey.
She brings Teresa a little glass bowl or a vase, whatever.
And she's like, eh, eh, eh, eh.
It matches my house's in steps.
I was like, it matches your house.
What do you think she stole it?
I just think it's like, it's wanting to match a dress, but like a house is a whole
space. Like anything can match a house, I think.
It's a big white box Theresa.
Oh, and then Audrey Anna is doing back bands and trees. She's like, no, not breaking those until we get you a new one for your confirmation.
So Jen is like, oh my God, I had such a great time.
It's so different than it is here in America.
Could you imagine?
She didn't say anything.
She didn't say yes to the dress or no to the dress.
They just put a stamp on her head.
She's on her way.
The thing out work.
She actually, you know what?
She said she's side to the dress.
She just went,
which I think means love.
I don't know, anyway, the party was amazing,
now the decorated it so beautifully.
Like in our culture, when we have a party,
we put out tables and chairs, okay?
It's beautiful.
And Theresa was like, ah, so then,
I wrote down on my notes, because like after there was like, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm a great guitarist something or other some kid only he's just for breakfast disgusting. So
She said that you know, she said that there was a male Lord of bride
So just like well, you know March is just so liberal talking about how she cheated and if that had ever happened to me
I've never talked about it, you know, so of course gents like the most judgmental horrid humidity
Yes, of course, Jen's like the most judgmental horrid human. Yes, of course.
She's like, I mean, who did this just shows?
She's ignorant. She just talks about you know, she got mad at me for what I said in Oklahoma
But she's also ignorant and they show up about her being like country music. Like why couldn't they played like some
Has music instead like
You're so stupid, but I love it.
You're totally shitty to the host of the vacation that you're on is totally the same thing
as someone making jokes behind your back.
Yeah.
And then they-
I support it, but still, who cares?
Who cares?
Who cares?
And then they start talking about Jackie again, and she's like, oh, and Jackie, that article
still makes me mad or whatever.
And Teresa's like, you know what?
In this group, kids and husbands are off limits as is. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh think that we understand old school values and they don't
so much. I think that the other side they don't. I was like, that's, that's an interesting.
One side of this group understands old, old school values. Okay, let's go over these old school values.
Your husband cheated on you and you're still letting him not only live with you, but still
fuck other people while he's doing what he's doing.. So, Teresas has been is rumored, but most likely to have cheated
multiple times before committing multiple, multiple
frauds and getting thrown in.
And call to the seawird on camera.
Yes.
And you know that this woman's husband is cheating on her.
Jen, like we're seeing back come down the pike already.
Yeah.
And we're not even full-spool fucking values.
Your old school values are to sit there and take it.
Yeah, okay.
So then, Jackie apparently texted everyone about going
to a wine tasting and Jennifer's like,
you know, I'm definitely going to that wine tasting
because I have something to say to Jackie
and she's gonna think twice, but based on what I'm gonna say,
she's gonna think twice before the next time she messes me
or anyone in my family get, I'm gonna say, she's gonna think twice before the next time she messes me or anyone in my family
Get I'm gonna tell her I'm gonna give her peace of my mind at a future date
She has got five days and she is gonna get it
Unmetry situation doesn't really call for it in which case I will postpone my lecture, okay?
in which case I will postpone my lecture, okay? And then Teresa is like,
Well, make sure you leave my house,
you don't write a story about me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha one single episode that Teresa hasn't had the last one. I was wondering why so many episodes ended with comments
and recipes and resgencies.
If you have close captioning every episode probably ends
with just those brackets with the question marks.
Well, and that's perhaps how our episode will end
because that's the end of Real House,
I was a new joysly.
Thank you guys for listening.
We'll be back tomorrow to talk top chef.
Tomorrow our Portland tickets go on sale for the public.
They had been, they had been Patreon exclusive only so now it's the public.
And go get all our other tickets, all our other shows.
We want to see all your smiling faces everywhere.
Okay.
What else do we have to say, Ronnie?
What else is there to add?
Well, this TVParty stream was really, really fun.
So thank you guys for joining us on that.
We did also tape it, otherwise, so we have it.
So we're gonna put it up on our Patreon.
We'll probably just put this one up
so you guys can see what it's like
and see if you want to do it.
And then we're gonna have like a different Patreon level
and start having some videos once in a while. It's like a new feature we're trying out. So, you
know, see how you like it. Feel free to feed back on this post when we post it later. Give
us your feedback. It's like different. It's nudity. How about you will you pay for that?
That's raw. Go get all your tickets. Cincinnati looks like it's selling like, yeah, like
Ben said, just go get your tickets, go, your t-shirts. You can everything. Everything crap is all the time. Hey
Yeah
Um and follow us on social media
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