Watch What Crappens - RHOP: O Half-Brother, Where Art Thou?

Episode Date: May 7, 2019

"The Real Housewives of Potomac" are back, and they're pretty much where we left them: Robyn still has short hair, Ashley and Michael are still grossing us out, Gizelle is still trying to wi...n back friends, Karen is still tangling with appliances, Monique is still pregnant, and Candiace is still getting married. But this time around, there's a hand blender! Check out our recap! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crappens Add Free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts. It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off. Voice only. Launching during pride. Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chas, and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crapens would like to think it's premium sponsors. Just saying okay. Kristi Wawardy-Dawardy.
Starting point is 00:00:33 Jamie, she has no last name. Let's go on a bender with Lauren Fender. Zip some scotch with Jessica Trot. Chazzy Savoni, she don't take no baloney. You don't touch the Nicki Morgan letters! What you talkin' about Willis, it's Sonic Illis! Aaron McNickalis, she don't miss no trickle-ists! Megan the Slayer Taylor, in a Homer with Jeffrey Bomber!
Starting point is 00:00:54 Kelly Barlow, when she goes Barlow we go high-low. Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the burr! Ain't no thing like Allison King! Hot dang, it's Jessica Dang! Sarah Greenwood, she only uses her power for good. Hannah, God, I love that banana. Anderson! Hava, Negila Weber!
Starting point is 00:01:11 Lisa Walland. Now that's what I call wallentainment. The Bay Area, Betges, Betges. And our super premium Patreon subscribers. Give them hell, Miss Noel. Lulu Simon. Sue, Sue Studio. How they grant?
Starting point is 00:01:23 The grant master. Let's get Racy with Miss Stacy. Shannon out of a cannon Anthony. Lulu Simon Sue, Sue, Studio Howdy Grant The Grant Master Let's get Racy with Miss Stacy Shannon out of a cabin Anthony Incredible edible Matthewsisters And... Mina Kuchikuchi Watch what crap bins Watch what crap bins
Starting point is 00:01:38 Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap bins What happens? What happens? I've been so much that crap ends I've been so much that crap ends I've been so much that crap ends I've been so much crap ends I've been so much crap ends I've been so much crap ends I've been so much crap ends
Starting point is 00:01:58 I've been so much crap ends I've been so much crap ends I've been so much crap ends I've been so much crap ends happens like this so much that happens. Hey everyone, welcome to Watch Our Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker of the Real Housewares of Kitchen Island, which is a cartoon available on YouTube. Just go over there and use the search bar. And joining me is the wonderful hilarious, and lovable, insightful, and thoughtful,
Starting point is 00:02:27 and cherubic, Ronnie Karam, from the Rose Pricks Bachelor Rose Podcast, which is back this week, is it not? It sure is, you've got a cast preview, and a, a, uh, Bachelor at Reunion episode this week. So, go check that out, we're so excited to be back. Yeah, well, welcome back, Roseprix. And welcome back to everyone. Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. We are going to be talking about the season premiere of Real House Hours
Starting point is 00:02:54 of Potomac today. But before we do that, of course, we must mention that we have a live show coming up in about 10 days. May 16th in Irvine, California, we are going to be recapping the season premiere of Southern Charm. Season premiere. I mean, that's shows coming up right around the corner. So, be sure we have actually less than a hundred tickets left for that show. So, now we are down to the last few tickets. So, if you want to go, go to watchacrapans.com to get your tickets while you still can. And then, of course, after that in June, we're going to Millwaukey, and we're also going to Minneapolis, which sold out.
Starting point is 00:03:30 Thank you guys. And then in July, we got Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Baltimore, and then Nashville in September. And more things to come, please come to our shows because we love meeting you guys. And we just, the vibe is awesome. It's great to be with your people so go do that. And while you're at WatcherCrapins.com you can also click around and get some lovely merchandise. Yeah our shirts this month are straight to the rosé and rosé all day breakfast sunshade dinner. And we also have a new Game of Thrones shirt called that says shut up bram for
Starting point is 00:04:02 our winters crappeting Game of Thrones podcast, which you can find on iTunes and everywhere else. Just for all those links, just go to watchitcrapins.com. Okay, everybody. Yeah, and on top of that, speaking of Bram, we also, if you are a Game of Thrones person, we do have a side podcast called Winters Crap and where we talk about the Game of Thrones, the latest Game of Thrones of the Week. We unfortunately did not mention in our latest episode from last night that a Starbucks cup made its way into Winterfell, which is what lit the internet up today.
Starting point is 00:04:33 So apologies, we didn't notice it either, but that is hilarious. And I have a complaint about Bran that I'm going to say for the next episode, but someone please remind me to have that, make that complaint, because it was a really good complaint. I'm so sad that I forgot to mention it last time so sad but I don't want to say it here because No one's here to listen to the podcast. Yeah, it's a wrong podcast then hey keeping that separate So welcome to the new season of real housewives of Potomac This is one of my favorite housewives opening songs. Yeah, I like it too.
Starting point is 00:05:07 It's got like a gusto. Yeah, I really love it. It's got like a brass. It's got like a strong brass section. I know you love a brass section. Yes, I sure do. This is my favorite housewives opening. This also has one of our favorite side characters
Starting point is 00:05:23 that they seem to be ready to feature prominently this year, which is the deer. The deer, the deer, I mean, really strong deer game this week. Really happy to see that deer back in action. Makes me happy. I felt a warm tingle sensation when I saw it. The very first shot of the episode was that deer in fact. It was like, it was coming on strong. So I was really happy about that. Yeah, and if anybody doesn't really know what's happening in Potomank or what this city's all about, it's about deer and people playing golf. Yeah. And that's what we learned from every, every transitional shot. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:56 So we have our, our opening lines for the season. And we have, it starts off with Giselle who's like, I'm the baddest thing walking, and the smartest one talking. Whatever Jacelle. And then we have, I haven't had enough of a break to not be mad at Jacelle, but we do get some classic Jacelle in Karen the Supa said, so I'm grateful.
Starting point is 00:06:18 So the next one is Miss Grand Dom Karen Huger. She says, you can try and tell me down, but the Grand Dom never grumble. Which is a lie, she always grumbles. You're constantly crumbling. This entire episode is flashbacks to you crumbling. Now for good reason. Yeah, Monique.
Starting point is 00:06:36 Monique? Monique's is a little forced. It's like two separate concepts linked together tenuously. She goes, I've traded in my umbrella, and it's all gold at the end of this rainbow. I think that umbrella is a reference to the fact that she pushed an umbrella up against Robyn's neck last season.
Starting point is 00:06:54 She almost strangled Robyn with an umbrella. Right, and then it's like there's a rainbow came out because she put away her umbrella because it stopped raining and now rainbows come out, and then there's gold. It's like, there's a little bit too much of a story that you have to put together. Yeah, because the way that she says it, I've traded in my umbrella. It's all gold at the end of this rainbow. It's like it makes it sound that there was normally an umbrella at the end of the rainbow.
Starting point is 00:07:16 And now that there's not an umbrella, there's gold. Yeah. Yeah, it's like I don't I don't I don't even think she needed to go to the umbrella place. I think it should be her tagline should have been something like I'm into essential oils, but I'm not into essential bitches or something like that Don't try to scheme scheme against me. I'm on top of a pyramid because like her pyramid sales or whatever I may have crashed into a small tree and almost crashed into a larger tree. But at least it got hot. That tree is a triggered victim. I don't drink and drive. But I sure do get tired after I drink and then drive. Is it bad when you drink and then drive?
Starting point is 00:08:02 when you drink and then drive? Or how about just... Does a bush count as a tree? Um, how about just a classic look? I think if you live like Monique Samuels, all you really need to say is, I have a fish tank in my kitchen. The end. How about I've had three kids with
Starting point is 00:08:22 Chris Samuels and I'm not a pancake? So then Robin Dixon is up next So I've had three kids with chrismules and I'm not a pancake. So then Robin dicks him is up next and she's like, the shorter my hair, the shorter my patience. Um, Robin, is that going to be your storyline that you cut your hair again? I hate because you know, there's people like that in real life. They're like, oh my god, everything's different. I cut my hair.
Starting point is 00:08:42 You're like, you cut it two weeks ago, okay? You don't get a party every time you like, get an inch off your hair. Yeah, I'm concerned. I'm concerned that Robin is going down the same path. Like, she's gone down this, her story line's been the same for three seasons, you know? Like, well, me and Juan, well, we're divorced,
Starting point is 00:09:01 but like, we still live together. And you know, we have sex sometimes, but we're not in relationship and you heard me and me. I'm like, oh gosh, we're going, but like we still live together and you know, we have sex sometimes with our relationship and you heard me and me. I'm like, oh gosh, we're going down this path again, aren't we? We are and that's yeah, it's gonna be different because our hair is shorter. I don't think so. If I got a haircut, my husband cheated, but I got a haircut. That's kind of my main complaint about this whole episode and I guess the season because it's the exact same thing as it was just a second ago.
Starting point is 00:09:25 Like nothing's changed. Everybody's story, not only are everybody's storylines the same, but they tell you about them like it's the first time you've heard it, you know. Yeah. My husband would like me to be a say-at-home mom, but I'm an entrepreneur. I'm like, babe. It's a season four, okay. I like, I actually like Ashley's line. She goes karma's a bitch, but luckily I'm on her good side Also my husband grew up to karma's ass I was on her good side until my husband fell on the assault at her in the butt And so now is Candice now that I'm marrying my prince, the sleeping beauty is woke! I'm like, oh god, is Candace gonna be a Bernie bro now?
Starting point is 00:10:09 I know. Candace is like voting for Bernie. That's her storyline. She's like, I was like, please don't make Candace like an activist. Not that activism is bad. I just feel like Candace's version will be just like, like, not good for anyone. This may mirror my prince, the sleeping beauty is woke. Please, please, Candice, please.
Starting point is 00:10:29 If sleeping beauty was really woke, and like, saw what was going on in the current world, she'd go back to bed. OK. Yeah, I mean, all I have to say is also like, let's her prints. I mean, he's a manager at a barbecue restaurant. Who forgets to bring napkins on picnics? I know. Who is just telling us so that he gives one of our listeners gets free diet
Starting point is 00:10:52 cooks from him. Well, there he goes. But he is a prince out there. He is kind of a prince. Changes everything. So they're like this season on Potomac. And if you want to hear our recap of that, it's an hour long and it's in our Patreon bonus episodes. So check those out. But I just had to point out, the season is already scaring me, because one of their upcoming of this season is someone at the dentist's scrabbing. Right. I don't know if that's a good omen.
Starting point is 00:11:17 Maybe it's Candace. Maybe it's Candace being woke at the dentist. She's being woke about cardiovascular disease that can be caused by gingervitis. Yeah. Now she knows. She's woke about caps. So, um, I'm surprised. If she was at the dentist, I'm surprised. I'm surprised at her opening line was like, I may be a princess, but at least I've got a crown and you just see your, uh, some good, some dental humor in there. I'm a bridge over the bridge. I'm jumping in the other women. So then we get the, what everybody's doing today thing.
Starting point is 00:11:53 It's like, Adira's sniffing some grass. People are playing golf. And then Karen's in her house. She totally lives it and doesn't rent and she's like Okay, Sam and I'm gonna try and cook you in the oven Oh, you know it took me about 15 years just understand how to use the facts machine and now I gotta learn how to use an oven It's difficult difficult. Dave you're trying to you You've been trying to convince us that you really live in this house for a how long. You don't know how to use the oven.
Starting point is 00:12:28 Yeah, this is like your first time using the oven. Like at least use a skillet for the salmon if the cameras are there, okay? Yeah. And then Robin is playing basketball with her family. And then over at Monique, her kids are taking swim lessons and asking for lollipops. And then we see Candace with a wedding planner and her mom and talking about where the dad's going to sit. And the mom just has that annoyed with Candace face, which I think, you know, I think if we all look in the mirror, we all have that face. Yeah, it's pretty representative of the audience at all times.
Starting point is 00:12:59 And by the way, we have to give a big, a big shout out to, I don't know, is it the, like, the Kimberly Clark Corporation or whoever's providing the little cocktail napkins for Candace this episode? Because she goes through a whole bunch, okay? It's like the weather today is going to be 76 with like 10% humidity and it's like immediately she's like dabbing her eyes. It's just, it's hard, it's hard. Yeah, she does that thing where she folds the napkin up into little tinier squares and
Starting point is 00:13:27 then just blinks into the squares. It's very at least a van der Pumph. Yeah, it's very, but she does it with like everything causes her to do that. She sees a coupon for, you know, a shopwright and she's dabbing her eyes. Yeah, a little square, a little origami, a little cryagami square. Yeah, so I have to say one of the I got so excited Because in the first true scene we saw on the bottom of the screen It said one week until Candice is wedding and I was like oh Thank God they're not dragging this out over the entire season
Starting point is 00:13:56 It's like it's in a week that means it's gonna be next episode and we are done. It is over. Thank you Bravo, I don't know. I think they can get four episodes until that. Oh, God. I really hope not. So we open with Jizelle, cooking for her kids and their kids are like, Hey, your pants. They're hideous. The kids, not the kids. The pants, the snake pants, her snake pants.
Starting point is 00:14:23 I mean, I think they're very fitting. I think everybody should just dress like their personality why stop there so jazel is uh... jazel announces that she's going to can't just as wedding which is surprising because can't just in jazel did not get along uh... but she's going to can't just as wedding and she's going with sure men of all people.
Starting point is 00:14:47 Yeah. So I guess they started shooting this. They keep, I'm confused about the timelines because they keep saying things like eight months ago. She's like eight months ago, we broke up. But they didn't shoot this eight months after the reunion, right? Have she ever broken up with Sherman at the reunion? No, she broke up with Sherman during the season. They said at one point that, like, at one point during the show, they referred to something that happened at the reunion and it was like, they said it was two weeks ago. So it looked like they started
Starting point is 00:15:12 filming it two weeks after the reunion. Yeah, okay, that makes more sense. I was confused. Yeah, I'm very easily confused, guys. So basically, Sherman reached out to Giselle and said that he missed her and, you know, he loves her. Um, and he's probably running out of money and wants to get some of that real house I was money and now they're in therapy. Yeah. And isn't it nice that Sherman came back like right before shooting? What a shocker. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:36 Uh, I'm sure he's totally there for the love. Okay. You think the cameras are rolling again? I'm really sorry. Okay. For somebody who doesn't want to be on TV. So Juselle, let's do, you know, Juselle just to be on TV. So just tell us do you know just I'll just totally screwed over Karen now
Starting point is 00:15:47 I know that people are up and down with Karen. I personally love Karen love and Karen does a lot of stupid things But she sounds a terrible terrible awful fry. I love just a little too though. I love she's a bad friend But I love just out. Yeah, she's still in Karen. Yes, Ben loves just out. I do not love just out just out goes on my Katie Kyle rack of people that I can't stand. I think she's a horrible human being. So that's where we stand with her, but it's like typical Jacelle where she's like, well, we're making cookies from his caron. A relationship has taken a turn, and I want to turn it back. I'm going to remind her of the good times with cookies. You know, even though I love Jacelle, I do think she has to examine herself that every single season has to start with her
Starting point is 00:16:30 trying to win back the favor of a cast mate. Like every single season, she's like, has a long-term friend who hates her and she has to win them over again. Yeah, that's Jacelle. And here's one of the reasons I think I would like Jacelle in real life, because she she's like I've really missed my friend I miss somebody that you can talk trash with and about everybody else with
Starting point is 00:16:52 Which I think is a great basis for friendship. I mean, I feel like I could for sure go and get drinks Which is L and we'd have the best time and she would be so messy and I'd just be there for it Yeah, and we see the reunion in Barcarans having a breakdown because her parents passed away and she's crying and then Jizelle comes in and hugs her and tells her she's a strong woman and then it cuts to Karen going, hugging me? Well, fix! The way she treated me last year. Hmm. Hmm. She reminds me of a possessed cabbage patch doll with green eyes and a diaper full of poop. I'm like What sort of cabbage patch dolls that you play with? Don't you remember those in the 80s and national inquire always had
Starting point is 00:17:32 Stories about cabbage patch dolls coming to life and killing the kids and they were Because in the 80s we had the satanic pack and everybody thought everything was satanic and like there were literally Devils living in here. I mean I did grow up in a very like born and getting kind of households but this was all over the covers of the national inquire so I think that's what Karen's thinking of. Well it's it's appropriate she keeps her references as as as modern as her appliances but you know it's for me it's less about a cabbage patch kid that comes to life and kills you I'm more concerned about a cabbage patch kid that poops itself.
Starting point is 00:18:06 Yeah, because that also means that eating your food, you know, it's like, I already paid for you. So one of the kids is like, Oh, I got another mouth to feed. She goes, one of the kids is like, cookies, are you mean to Karen? And she said, no, but Karen sometimes just doesn't know
Starting point is 00:18:22 how to take a joke. I'm like, oh, really a joke. And then we get a monta, and the kid says, well, maybe you know how to take a joke. I'm like oh really a joke and then we get a montage And the kids says well, maybe you shouldn't have said the joke and then we get a montage of Jizelle just being awful Okay, right Listen and by the way, I'm not saying that Jizelle is not awful to these people and isn't an awful person I'm just saying I really enjoy her awfulness like it really it speaks to me. I like her for what she does. But you know, but I don't, what I don't like is when someone says, well, they didn't know how to take the joke.
Starting point is 00:18:51 It's like, if they don't know how to take the joke, you made a bad joke. You have to open the door. What joke was that when you were telling everybody that she was cheating on her husband or that her husband was cheating on her or the one where you brought the actual person that you thought was cheating or invited her somewhere. Or like when you like mocked her tax problems. Yeah, you made t-shirts to mock her tax problems. Which joke was that? And then Jazzel goes, she says this as if she's had some extreme personal growth, she goes, I realize now that Karen wasn't ready to accept my jokes. Oh, okay. Okay. That's what it was. She wasn't ready to accept them.
Starting point is 00:19:29 It's also my favorite thing about this show. It's so silly. Now, and by the way, we can't let Karen off the hook because Karen is the most dramatic person. And if she can take a chance to be offended or upset about something, she will take it. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's great.
Starting point is 00:19:44 And this show has come so far. I am so proud of Potomac, because it is so good. I love this show, and I'm so excited that it's back on the air. And I really enjoyed this first episode, even though like you said, it sort of retreads a lot of things. I'm just like, this show is where it needs to be, the cast is great, very happy. Hmm, this is the grandum of commercial breaks. Time to take one. Security. Security. Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday's
Starting point is 00:20:23 parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest and insightful take on parenting hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brown-Oller, we will be your resident not so expert experts. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and
Starting point is 00:20:45 thinking, oh yeah, I have absolutely been there. We'll talk about what went right and wrong. What would we do differently? And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night, you'll feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts, you can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. So then we go over to Ashley's High Rise. And this is, now this is one of the two storylines.
Starting point is 00:21:19 I forgot about the scene. This is one of two storylines. It's like typical bravo. We're really happy right before they get divorced. And this, this is just a classic scene. Ashley is in lingerie making a smoothie for her man. And she's like, Mike, he's getting more than just coffee this morning. And I was like, Oh, good. You're going to go try. I don't like that she's calling him Mikey. I don't like that she's making him coffee. I don't like the pant. I don't like the sleeve.
Starting point is 00:21:52 It's all gross. I don't like that. So I don't like this sexuality. It's just gross and he's like red in the face, you know? And is this? So they say that this was before he was in trouble for this sexual harassment stuff, but didn't they bring up that stuff at the reunion?
Starting point is 00:22:10 You know, it's hard to remember which sexual scandal is which with Michael. I mean, I just feel like this is another one going. I think we're going to have to, like, we'll have to put a pin in that one because it just seems like there's always another one. So she puts a blindfold on him and they're talking about how I'd forgotten that she had had him as a character, which is so sad. But it brought them closer together and now they're trying for baby number two. And so then we see him with a blindfold on and she has like a strawberry in her mouth and she's like feeding it into his mouth like There's like a baby bird actually regurgitating up for the mama bird instead and it was like Disgusting and then she takes like the whip she takes some whipped cream and she puts on her chest and she's like
Starting point is 00:22:59 Make it off my chest and he like this like lizard tongue comes out. It's like chest and he like this like lizard tongue comes out is like oh my god it was horrifying and then she had to take off his blindfold so that he could see it was her chest it was like oh my god the sport guy had you ever seen a giraffe eating by the way that's of course is one of my favorite Facebook videos when people are sitting in a they're sitting in a restaurant and erasiting their head in and they feed the giraffes from their plate and they're doing that they got that tongue that comes out like surprisingly like sitting in a restaurant and jorasting their head in and they feed the jorast from their plate and their dinner. But they got that tongue that comes out.
Starting point is 00:23:27 It does like surprisingly like lengthy and like disgusting tongue. And that's what like my it's like a little baby arm coming out of something's about and grabbing whatever. And that was pretty gross. And I was screaming at my TV and vowing to never cover that I was I was actually screaming at my TV. Look, we don't have to cover you. Texacana is this airing this week. We can go back and do my skin dynasty is okay
Starting point is 00:23:49 like you don't need to see this. Yeah this about it this is your final warning real house lesson Potomac okay. And I thought I was discussing but what also disgusted me was when she was talking about how this time they're going to really hit it out of the park and put a little Joey in her pouch. You start with kangaroo meat. Okay. Can we not, can we not discuss this in those terms? Oh my shirt. You know, whenever, whenever people talk about Joey's and pouches, I always think about that one episode from like, you know, like 45 years ago when the Simpsons went to Australia and
Starting point is 00:24:23 Bart Simpson sees a kangaroo and is all excited. He's like, I'm gonna get into its pouch and he puts his foot in and he's like, ew, and he takes his foot out and it's like all like, like, like, weird on and stuff. He's like, this wasn't as fun as I thought. So anytime like people talk about like Joey's and pouches and like, oh, it's so cute to join the pouch, I just think of like sticky liquids. Gross. I think of Meryl Streep getting her baby stolen by a Dingo and that's not even
Starting point is 00:24:48 a kangaroo. So what do you know if that's how the brain works? Yeah, we have very specific associations and none of them were positive for this moment. So she's been sexy and trying to convince us that their marriage is working and whenever somebody does that, it means their marriage is not working. Yeah, it's a failure. And she's also talking about how in anticipation of trying to have a baby since she doesn't want to have a miscarriage again, she's going to take a holistic approach to fertilization. And so she's like trying all these things, doing like yoga and eating like more of a plant-based
Starting point is 00:25:22 diet and belly massage and wool socks. Yeah, the internet will fuck you up, man. If you ever look at like how to do something on the internet, it's like, oh, I have a growth on my head. I'll just put some apple cider vinegar on it and drink it 20 times a day, you know? And then you walk around smelling like a dead person who peed himself. Yeah. Just wear a felt cap for a day and let that energy just make it go away. Here, buy this tiny little electric shock machine and just put the little things all over your body and just keep shocking yourself. I'm sure that'll work. You have to wean yourself off of using ballpoint pens because that actually can have an effect
Starting point is 00:25:58 on your body's balance. Yeah, for the things a lot internet. No, thanks a lot not for lazy moms. So she's like riding Michael and, you know, it's grossing America out. And then it says two months later. And then we just see Robin on her couch, cracking up while she reads about Michael's sexual assault. She goes, ooh!
Starting point is 00:26:23 Yeah, and they're all just gossiping. And then like like Juzelle's watching the report of the news and she's like who gets 11 years for squeezing us And then we come back and Ashley's like I Haven't looked at your face this close in a while. It's beautiful It's like what and he goes like spade like One of those rock people from Frozen. I usually love Ashley, but I can't with this. Please.
Starting point is 00:26:53 I know I actually really love Ashley too, but you know, this is just, it's honestly, I was traumatized by that song. Like I just keep thinking, there was like, well, if people didn't watch the show, they have to really realize that there was a full on tough of whipped cream Like I it wasn't it was like a big old thing and that tongue came out and just like snatched all the whipped cream And it went right into his mouth like like that and I was like oh my god. This guy's a monster
Starting point is 00:27:19 He's he's a lizard person. He's from the Listen, this isn't bring your old man to work day. Okay, save it get him off my spring. I do not support this So next up, let's go to the pit master Chris is working on his laptop babe. Yeah And Candace of course is busy to herself up, but she's with with wedding shit She's like oh my god like that, this seating chart isn't in yet. And there's four days left. And he's like, oh my God,
Starting point is 00:27:48 killing me now. Just drown me in a vat of free diet coke. Like, he would think a whole year would be enough time to plan this grandiose wedding. But here I am. Last minute Lucy's still planning. I mean, there's the prenup and there's the ring shopping, the dancer.
Starting point is 00:28:03 I'm like, oh, I was so grateful that the producers put all of this stuff, all like the prenup and the ring shopping, the dance rehearsal into just like a quick montage. I was like, thank you. Yeah, because I've had it. I've had it with this wedding bullshit, okay? Yeah, enough. So their main drama is that she has a step brother because her dad had a love child. Have brother. There are a half-brother. Or a half-brother, pardon me.
Starting point is 00:28:27 And she wants to invite him to the wedding, but the mom doesn't, she's, it's gonna really piss off the mom. And she's like, but I don't want to have to do everything just because my mom's paying. Okay, look, that is an extenuating circumstance, okay? An actual family member that you can't invite. But as far as everything else you're complaining about, yes, ma'am. You do have to do it
Starting point is 00:28:45 because your mom's paying for it. And stop acting like such a fucking victim about it. If you want your own house, get a job and pay for your own house. It's called a business, build a business. Okay. So I start driving Uber, okay? Do what the rest of us have to do and make a fucking effort in life.
Starting point is 00:28:58 I'm so sick of this one, you little brat. Yes, stop wasting all of Chris' cocktail napkins while you dab your eyes. Start driving Uber, okay? You know those napkins aren't for free, right? They don't just like grow off of trees. There's no such thing as a napkin tree. Yes Sometimes other contributes a lot to my life. She thinks that she owns me. Yeah, so that's why she does it That's what she does it. Okay, that's people who pay for other people 10-10 Certain senses of entitlement, okay? Yeah, look at Ashley. Look at the scene with Ashley where she's
Starting point is 00:29:27 like, do you think I'm better now, babe? Because he was going to leave her if she didn't change her ways and she hated it and it was unfair. But that's where she's getting her money. So she's like, okay, I'll change it, which is gross and still makes me hate Michael. Right. But you know, it can't. No, go ahead. No, you say, you know, it can't, sorry. No, go ahead. No, you say, you know, Candace is sitting here, she's complaining, you know, she's like, you know, I mean, over $100,000 on the wedding
Starting point is 00:29:52 and like, you know, my mom wrote the checks and now I feel like if my mom says something like, scathing, I can't say anything back. I'm like, well, you know, whose choice was it to have $100,000 wedding? Okay, you could have had a $5,000 wedding. Yeah, exactly. You know, it's like, do you need flowers on the ceiling?
Starting point is 00:30:09 I don't think so. Yeah. It's called have a buffet. Get a buffet. Yeah, I don't have a lot of pity for Candice. But also, the mom needs to also get some her shit together, too. You know, the mom's a therapist, and she's still angry at her husband over a love, like she's mad at the love child
Starting point is 00:30:29 From 30 years ago and you're a therapist and you haven't been able to deal with your emotions yet I know that therapists tend to be the most fucked up people, but I mean come on Yeah, I'm not saying the mom is right for sure But you know that doesn't change the fact that Candace is just a spoiler asshole who needs to get a job listen I have been traumatized by Michael's tongue and now I'm like in a state, okay? So traumatized by Ashley being like, am I better now, babe, if I changed enough? And he's like, yes, I love how you've changed.
Starting point is 00:30:54 What about how he's changed? What does Ashley have to do all the changing? What the hell? It depends. So now we go over to Great Falls, and Karen's like hanging out in her closet. A giant Chanel throw blanket has been cast over this couch perfectly, so perfect ready for the cameras.
Starting point is 00:31:13 It's so funny though, because it's this is this probably fake Chanel blanket to brag about how rich she is, but then her closet is like target-solving. And I recognize it because I have it. Yeah, like you can see like, you could see like, like a little jar of, uh, of what you call Stanley wrenches, whatever. You're not called Stanley wrenches. I don't know what you're talking about.
Starting point is 00:31:36 Oh, the little L wrenches. L bar, aren't they? I want to say they're called Stanley wrenches, but they're not called Stanley wrenches. What is blue mercury? Mother's Day favorites back, because this is what Matt brings her as a gift. I'm looking. It's like makeup and stuff or like skin products.
Starting point is 00:31:52 Okay. I was seeing if Matt owned this. Matt the lawyer slash assistant slash marketer slash chef. Yeah, whatever. I'm assuming it was something that Matt did or Matt owns because he's like Oh, I have a gift for you and it's like bloom your mercury bag So Matt comes over and she's like oh look at you coming bearing gift Lemonade it's with all the stars are drinking these days
Starting point is 00:32:21 She do you notice that she served him iseless lemonade there was no ice in the picture and there was no ice in the glass Yeah, that was some crystal light if I've ever seen it. Yeah, that was some room temp lemonade that was not just fresh from the oven I just boiled up a picture of lemonade care for some I was just trying to use the lemon squeeze there He's like that was the oven. Well turns out our oven has been cooking a lot of things lately Like our lemonade and I really honestly I thought it was the freezer So she's really doubling down on Matt. She's like, Matt, there's more than a coworker. He's a friend
Starting point is 00:33:04 Now would you like your coffee black Matt? And he's like, as a Republican's heart. And so she's like, good. You can help me use this coffee machine. His name is Mr. Coffee. He is a dignitar and he should be so honored to meet him. So she's talking about how Matt is never scheming against her. He's a real friend. When the plot last year was that Matt's all over town talking trash about Karen. Yeah, because you know who's really trustworthy. Gay hangers on on Bravo. Sorry. Yeah. Matt blizzard over there.
Starting point is 00:33:36 Yeah, exactly. Matt blizzard sassah. So Karen's like, oh, this is a strange new life for me being on this planet without my mother and dad and like that's really sad So are we gonna have any new stories this year? Annie Well, of course there's a new story. There is the case of my other which has space age technology They're not even a common lady who has lived with his oven for many many months can understand Hmm And so next up is just a jizz of course
Starting point is 00:34:01 Hmm. And the next step is Jizz, of course. Jizzell. Calling as she's driving. She calls Robin. Robin's like, hi, this is Robin. Please leave a message. Robin, did you answer your phone? I did, I just say that, so I don't have to talk back much.
Starting point is 00:34:19 I like people to leave messages that way. My life doesn't feel as lonely. So, I could leave a message. What would you say? So just else like, well, guess where I am? I'm in the great, great, tall, she's like, what are you doing in the woods? Like Robin, hi, you live an hour and a half away. So maybe you could stop the
Starting point is 00:34:42 location, Jamie. Yeah, I know. Enjoy your like one bedroom lean to over there. Enjoy your parking space at the HOA. Okay, Robin. Yeah, enjoy your tandem parking spot, which as an owner, as an owner of a tandem parking spot or a user of one, I, I just am saying I have one too. So there. You're competing over nothing with me. No, I'm just saying like before anyone gets mad like wait a second, I have a tandem parking spot too. And I'm gonna say no, I have one too. But she's a real housewife,
Starting point is 00:35:18 but she should not have a tandem parking spot. Shannon Bollor. So is the Shambler's going up, but dang great. Wow, what's the Tando parking spot? Does she have to pay for that? Huh, well, it was my understanding that if you were going to have a tandem parking spot, there would be someone else in your life to share it with. So Robin's like, Karen invited you over to her house and she's like, well, I'm about to call the hurrah and tell her I have cookies. So no, Karen did not invite her because she knows that just tell knows that Karen would just hang up on her. She said she want to go have lunch.
Starting point is 00:35:52 She's just going to try and shock her. Yeah. So just I was like, you know how the cool kids miss the old Kanye? Well, I miss the old Karen, you know the new Karen only wants to make Switch sweat pants out of leather and have stone toilet. So I miss the old Karen Yeah, the old Karen hadn't been fucked over by the old Jazeal yet, okay old Jazeal Yeah, exactly So so Matt's just sitting there and with Karen and he's like, so how are you?
Starting point is 00:36:26 And Karen's like, well, I'm crazy busy. I have a fragrance that I have just drawn a sketch for. I was like, can you draw sketches for a fragrance? He says, no, but I drew it anyways. So we're really coming along. Really coming along. It just says smells like grapes or something. And he's like, well, I saw your billboard.
Starting point is 00:36:43 He says, oh, yes, my billboard and time square. And then we see the billboard. And you know that it's one of those ones that blinks on and off with different advertisements. It's like, yeah, above the theater that has that like long running murder mystery dinner theater. So fuck that. She probably like drew a picture of a billboard
Starting point is 00:37:01 and taped it on for a phone. But look at this. Is that something you tape a billboard onto your it on for a phone. But look at this. Like is that? Did you tape a billboard onto your picture of times worn on your phone? So you just posted her face over the cat's billboard? She doesn't even have a cell phone. It's just a picture frame.
Starting point is 00:37:16 Look at my cell phone. Sister picture of him is. So Matt's like, oh, so the fragment of your friend said what's ever going to be released? I'm like, I'm not helping Matt, so the fragments of your friends said what's ever gonna be released? I'm like, I'm not helping that, okay? You first bomb. So she's like, well, you know me, I don't listen to haters. I just do, do, do, do, piss and nails.
Starting point is 00:37:38 So, just Ella calls up Karen and does a Southern charm live. She's like, well, I'm in your neck of the woods and I thought I would drop by. And so then Karen does, one of my favorite things that Karen does, which is she, she speaks like excessively formally. She says, oh, Jacelle, I'm going to have to ask you to hold off because my family is an grieving state. And therefore, on to the hence two fourths, we are need and request your privacy at this here to form a moment. And Jace And just like, well, I just want you to know what I'm here for you What? And Karen's like, well, you've been saying that. And yes, I hear you. I hear you, Jizelle, I'm saying that you're here for me So thank you very much. And now please let me get back to the process of the grieving process with the
Starting point is 00:38:21 Family who's here to take care of me as I grieve henceforth. I must now get back to this beautiful couple who are clearly on their first day to keep calling me on my cell phone and Matt's like um that's actually the picture that came with that that frame. So she hangs up and she's like wow okay man's get back. And she's mad that she's trying to do this, obviously. And Matt's like, do I need to call for backup? And she's like, oh, she's out. Still doesn't understand. Man, oh. Yeah, yeah, she's, and she's saying, well,
Starting point is 00:38:58 I need to sell, I need to sell to, oh, no, to all the, all the things that she did. And Robin has to apologize for the pranks. The pranks were no good. No pizza pranks. Yeah. She lists why she hates everybody and they're all hilarious reasons. So, um, yeah. And then she comes up with this bullshit where she's like, well, you know what the reunion, you know, Jisela did hug me when I was feeling sad, but I was in a flood of emotions and I didn't know what was going on.
Starting point is 00:39:24 And I didn't even know she was hugging me until I happened to look up. I mean I thought it was just the hug of all of America and I didn't realize just a friccule of silly awful hands. I'm watching you to just yell with a third eye. Look what does that mean? You obviously don't know what a third eye is. She's like I'm watching you with my third eye and you will. You're very upset. You're very hard in in two weeks and have to get your time changed So yeah, so Karen's like yeah, it's too soon for me to get back with just out but then just all calls again and And Karen's like oh look she's trying to come to my property my property which I own So I was evidenced by the fact that I have such ease of use with my oven over here.
Starting point is 00:40:05 So this is all tells her, I'm trying not to bother you Karen, but my kids made these cookies and she's like, oh, you're playing the baby card. Just tell her you're playing the baby card. Just tell her that is the baby card. Do well. Yeah. Which is true. So Karen's like, well, here's what I'm going to do.
Starting point is 00:40:24 I mean, I said mad out to get the cookies. She's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't want to see Matt I want to see Matt and then we see a clip of all the ladies questioning Matt last year putting grilling Matt, which was pretty funny Yeah, and then Giselle tells us I don't understand that you're grieving But Matt can come out Matt can come over like yeah because they're friends Jacelle. Yeah, that's yours though it works. So Karen's like all right I will come to the door because this is about your children It's not about the children just they made cookies. Okay. It's not like any of them like need your vital support in In like accepting their cookies. Yeah, especially opens the door and Chiselle's not there yet. She's like, huh, no Chiselle.
Starting point is 00:41:10 Zeeb does don't change their stripes. Now she wants to be a koala male. They're treating this as if there's going to be like a hostage handoff. You know, like there's like ransom money to be paid and the executive from American Express is going to be like tumble out of Chislle's car and flee for safety inside Karen's home. I'm and Karen thinks that Jacelle just basically dinged on to her. She's like, oh well that's fine. I will not be here. I've been coming since none of this ever happened. Ding dong. Oh hello, Jacelle. I've come back. I've decided to come back. I know and I'd like the idea
Starting point is 00:41:44 that if someone says like, oh I'm going to come over. I know, and I'd like the idea that if someone says, like, oh, I'm gonna come over, I've got cookies. Okay, well, I'm with the door, you're not here. Yeah, it's like this travel time involved, Karen. And then she opens the door and then Sojazelle gives her the thing and she's like, well, I appreciate you for making the effort, but it's a private moment, it's a private moment.
Starting point is 00:42:01 I'm hanging out with Matt and he decided to wear flip-flops on national television, having a very private moment. I'm hanging out with Matt and he decided to wear flip-flops on national television Having a very private moment. Oh, Richard after the wedding And so she She takes the cookies and she tells Matt It does look like little girls made this mad It was the right thing to do wasn't it my car just all really does no caring I mean she really knows how to play that woman like a fiddle.
Starting point is 00:42:25 I mean, listen, I could be played like a fiddle if someone brought me chocolate chip cookies. I'm just saying I'm easily swayed. I'm easily swayed. Next time you want something, next time, I'm like, should we record eight episodes a week? I'm like, no, and you'll be like, here are some cookies. Oh, sure, eight sounds great. That's how you do it.
Starting point is 00:42:42 And so just that leaves all pissed off. Because she's like, well, Karen said in the past, if she's grieving I should knock down the door. I think she meant that as a friend, not the second housewife start shooting again and you don't want to get outed for anything storming down in the past few months. True, although it has only been two weeks since the reunion, so I think it gets within a respectable window. But you're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.
Starting point is 00:43:10 Ah! So... Chocolate Chipacchuki. Yeah, did you just send me a chocolate chip cookie into my brain? Because I... You're right, Ronnie. You're right. Absolutely right. So, um, so Monique is now looking at like a photo collage of like her and Chris when she was pregnant,
Starting point is 00:43:29 I guess last time or two times, whatever. She just has a tacky old collage of like, look at me being pregnant, you know? And what I really appreciated was that Monique just starts barking at her children. She just starts yelling at them like, get off, you're doing too much, get out of here now. Yeah, get off of my ball like
Starting point is 00:43:45 she gets all pissed off at the kids the whole thing and then she's trying to talk to Chris and one of them starts dumping Legos all over the countertop and it's like she just looks at him with the smile like I'm gonna kill you yeah she goes Chris likes me better when I'm pregnant I don't have the energy to go zero to to a hundred on anybody. I'm like or in a car after you've been drinking And Chris is like she's miserable pregnant, but Chris is so happy that she's pregnant He's like skipping around the kitchen. He's like, what can I make you today, my queen? I
Starting point is 00:44:19 Like the idea of Chris skipping around the kitchen because I just imagine all the place All the plates are just like falling out and track I just imagine all the plates are like, pfff. Pfff. All the plates are just like falling out and trying. The fish are all terrified and trying to hide them to the treasure chest in the aquarium. Everyone's expecting a two. Everyone's like looking at what or shaking and expecting a two-rex to show up on the kitchen.
Starting point is 00:44:36 No, no, it's just Chris dancing around. So they're talking about how they're gonna do a baby shower, you know, blah, blah, blah. She's gonna invite some of the girls and he's like well you definitely out just out in apology. I have to work out together with sermon and you put mean in uncomfortable position. I told him you would apologize. You hang out with messy, you become messy. God forbid that Chris's casual relationship with Sherman at the gym is jeopardized. I'm sorry, Sherman was messy. He deserved to have a shit put out there. I support it.
Starting point is 00:45:13 Yeah, Sherman was messy in a public park and public parks are paid for by taxpayers. Therefore, that is public information. Yeah, that is public information. And honestly, he ghosted Giselle, and that was not cool. And you know what, when you ghost someone, your shit gets put out there, if you're dealing with reality TV. Okay. And Monique's like, well, I really didn't have
Starting point is 00:45:33 any right to put Sherman's business out there. And the only reason I did it was despite Giselle, and that's wrong. I was like, excuse me, that's part of your job description. Yeah. I was like, I don't see a problem here. Like, you're on Bravo. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:45:47 Well done. Here's a raise. Yeah. You're doing a lot more than the people on Beverly Hills. OK. Yeah, I know kidding. So let's go over to the Pulse Bob O'Tee, you can wear it now. It's the second scene of the episode,
Starting point is 00:45:59 a couple trying to convince us that they're happy when they're quite obviously overcompensating awkwardly. Yeah. Robin's like, yeah, why don't I earn a great place? And like, we've been, you know, we've been doing like, like, bunny rabbits, you know, what do you call those animals that have no real relationship, but have sex once in a while. And then everyone says, why don't you guys have a relationship? And you say, no, we're not in a relationship. And then you like to act like you're in a relationship and then lead people on to the year relationship You're not in a relationship. Those are bunnies right?
Starting point is 00:46:29 Wait bunny rabbits fuck a lot. No, I just meant those animals that hop around and make little tiny poop balls all over the living room Yeah, those are bunny rabbits have tandem parking spots Have what? Tendon parking spots Yeah, so and she literally starts the scene off by going, my hair isn't the only thing that's changed. Oh! I'm like honey, it changed last season, so...
Starting point is 00:46:55 At the reunion, it looks great, but I'm just saying. Okay, lady. So, at this place where this lady going to teach him how to give romantic massages to each other. And one, of course, looks like he totally does not want to be there at all. One is making nice for the cameras because he works for a college now and has like a behavior clause or something. So he's like, I'm a family man. Yeah. And note that, you know, Robbins, like things have been better in like a really good place, but she's not, she doesn't say, oh, we are like dating again or we're actively in a relationship,
Starting point is 00:47:29 she just says they're having sex. I'm like, so you're basically where you were before, and you're just trying to make it seem like it's something that it's not. Yeah, and it's happier now because it's not at home anymore. He's off doing his thing somewhere else. Yeah, oh, and another, and another thing that's not so surprising. Robin tells us that she's still doing real estate with her mom and she's like, well, the rehab project that I was doing last year, that was supposed to be four months is now in month 10.
Starting point is 00:47:54 I'm like, really? The termite infested, like broken down home that you found, like it was full of like us bestest and mold and like floors that a hole in them. That's it didn't take for a month to fix that. Yeah. Yeah. Campbell. It robins a mess.
Starting point is 00:48:09 Robbins just a mess. And God. So she's, so she tells us like it's the first time we've ever heard it. She says, even though me and my house, even though me and Wanner divorced, we lived together with our children and people say that they wouldn't put up with the junk that I've put up with But I see potential in one he may not change the light bulbs at home, but he's good with his hands Get it Like this thing is making like I'm literally getting depressed
Starting point is 00:48:38 This is the same exact monologue. He's given every single season robin This is actually worse because now on top of everything else, he doesn't change light bulbs at home. You have to do that. Yeah, that's the least you could do. And you could tell one. I mean, that really goes to show you're not sorry for anything that you've done.
Starting point is 00:48:53 When you've cheated and still get to live with your wife, that's bad enough. But then when you refuse to do the light bulbs, fuck off. Get out of my house. Yeah, change those light bulbs, sir. You're tall. You can reach them.
Starting point is 00:49:03 You're putting up, is Robin have to climb up on a ladder. Come on. Yeah. And they have this awkward conversation again. Like, it is crazy. When we got married, we probably weren't ready. Oh, all right. Fast forward. I know the rest of the team was just robbing getting sweaty in a hot tub. Yeah. I want to get a season learns how to pick up because I cannot watch this. Like we're all beginning the exact same story lies for four years all over again.
Starting point is 00:49:30 It'll be fine. It'll be fine. Don't you worry. I'm worried. OK, it's Robin sweating to death in a hot tub while Juan refuses to even get it. This is not a good omen. So then we get to see the phone.
Starting point is 00:49:42 Very happy. The little phone walking on a lawn. Fawn on a lawn, our favorite star. And then Monique is talking on the phone with Monique's talking to Karen on the phone about Candace, who's having a hard time with her mom. I guess we're just seeing little shots of things happening. Because then we all see Ashley gets,
Starting point is 00:50:03 Ashley's like, she says she's like a Sherman fan to Giselle and then gives like Giselle gives Ashley a cock ring it was just like lots of things happening. Yes they started this episode over again. This was like another opening of an episode where it's like here's what everyone's doing today. So then it's four days until Candy's wedding and Karen shows up at Candy's house and she's like Blue Mercury is much better Yeah, and and he can't this is like yeah, it gets us to come in early. So I just tried to put them out on the counter since the cameras were here. And like, what I got, I got a hand blender. I'm like, that did not come from Tiffany's. We know that box is
Starting point is 00:50:54 empty. I have to read it. You paint a blue. Okay. Stupid canvas. And Karen's like, so you got an oven, congratulations. Oh, you got a hand oven. How does this work? Oh, it looks very complicated. All these buttons, like there's one button. And then Candice just keeps pressing the button to blame. And she's like, yeah, yeah. Karen's like, that's adorable.
Starting point is 00:51:19 She's like, yeah, I still doing it. Still pressing the button. It's like, yes, there she is. Still doing it. Okay, well, Leo, you are still pressing that button, Kat is. Oh, Kat is, you are wacky. And while pressing the button style, now you can stop that. You can stop now. You can stop now. I'm here. The scene can begin.
Starting point is 00:51:38 You can stop. Okay. All right. Oh, that's fun. You're blending the air. Very fun. Very exciting. Oh, still doing it. Still doing it. Okay. And she tells us, she's trying to pretend like, oh, it's just so wacky, you know, we're so useful, we're both so useful in the heart. So there's no boundary in our relationship.
Starting point is 00:51:57 She's even said she wants a mother to dress like me. Oh. Oh, you're still running that hand blender, even during my interview. I'm doing it. Okay. I'm having a Monique's like these napkins recognize up there from the engagement party They're about to be covered in my snop and eyeliner Debt dab dab dab dab and then Karen's like, hmm is that the bonsai tree that actually gave you what your engagement party And we see that we see the bonsai trees that actually gave you with your engagement body. And we see that, we see the bonsai tree's like full on dead.
Starting point is 00:52:28 Yeah. Because like, of course, we're supposed to represent like happiness and prosperity and, you know, family. And it's just like wilted and dry. It's all depressed because Michael grabbed a task on the way out. That was so true. It's all depressed because it was, you know,
Starting point is 00:52:43 it still hasn't seen Chris's famous black dick. Oh God. Oh God, I forgot about that. Oh, how could you forget? So Karen's like, there he is. They start laughing and so she's like, now I'm talking about your hand blender. Turn that damn thing off.
Starting point is 00:52:58 Very that shit. I was like, okay, now let's talk about important things. You're a wedding. Girlfriend. And Candice takes a big chug of her drinking care. And I was like, that was a big boop. Oh, take a take a time. Take a big gulp out of your oven there.
Starting point is 00:53:15 No, no, what is it Candice? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nohan is term mama, term here, term here, term here, term here, term here, hmm, look at that. Yeah, you two really seem like natural best friends over there. Yeah, so can't just tell us a story about the better half brother and basically how he reminds her mother, Dorothy, of the pain of the love of her life, cheating on her, etc, etc. Yes, and Karen's like, well, you're right. Anyway, you have no guilt. No, no guilt at all. I mean, you want to talk about guilt.
Starting point is 00:53:50 Hashtag someone's tax problems on the back of a t-shirt? Then we'll talk pain, can't it? Yeah, as I was like, you know, you're carrying too much of your mom's baggage, which is true. And she's like, well, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid of with your mom? Which of course it's like, all right, let's cue the napkin dabbing. Yeah, and Candice actually pauses because she's trying to figure out a way to say, I don't want to have to get a job. You know, I'm afraid of the workforce. That's what I'm afraid of. Yeah, and she's like, I'm just worried that
Starting point is 00:54:20 my mom's going to hate me and Karen's oh she'll never stop loving you I'm like well This is Dorothy we're talking about your mother already do Yeah That's obviously not the problem your mother visibly hates you Okay, your mother blames you for your father leaving her. I mean, I'm just saying just saying oh lord So next we see why the mom really hates Candice because she still doesn't know how to cook eggs You know, and this is like a mother thing like I taught you how to cook eggs. Why are you still over cooking the eggs? You know, and I know that's supposed yeah, it's supposed to be like oh my mom's so mean
Starting point is 00:54:54 But I'm like no you cooked your mouth you you burnt your mom's eggs and now you're like just eat it mother Yeah, she's like I didn't realize that my money was going towards hard eggs. Yeah, not how to make no hard egg. simplest dish. Gail Simmons just screaming in the background. Yeah, exactly. So, so they make this like breakfast and then Candice puts all this syrup on like a barely toasted waffle. I mean, I was like, I could still see the ice crystals off of that egg oafle. I'm like, okay, this woman, she has gone on on my bad side and so many
Starting point is 00:55:25 ways in one episode, it's not how you treat a waffle. And the mom is like, well, if you make your eggs hard, she's like, for years or two, runny, I was like, oh, God, it's another season of this. So Candice is like, well, I would have no edges. If every time my mother made a critical comment, I got upset. I would be edgeless, which is what was funny. And then she tells her mom, so as you know, this is the point, day of my life, I get to do whatever I want. And the mom's like, that's literally every day of your life.
Starting point is 00:55:53 And I have the MX build to prove it. Yeah, exactly. So she's like, so mom, there's one guest that's coming that I hope you'll be okay with. And I'm like, okay, first of all, your approach is all wrong because you shouldn't say, I hope you'll be okay with you. Just say, by the way, I'm inviting my half brother. Anyway, please pass the eggs.
Starting point is 00:56:14 That's how you do it. Yeah. Not to mention her, but she's also been having a secret relationship with the, you know, a secret brother, a sibling relationship, which is so far to that relationship with her half brother has to be secret from the mom. Yeah. Um, so she's like light me trying to light and she's like, well, I just, I hope you'll be okay with it.
Starting point is 00:56:36 She's like, why wouldn't I be? I can never do the mom's voice. The mom's voice is so unique and can just starts the napkin fold cry. Um, and then she tells her. And then the mom goes off. She gets so pissed. She's like, that is a cheater and a liar. And he betrayed the family. And now you want to bring that to the wedding. Yeah. She's like bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. And then she's like, why do you why do you go out and chase his illegitimate children who have never been part of your life? Did you consider me? Did you consider my family?
Starting point is 00:57:05 I mean, she was like, honestly, being a little deranged. Yeah, I think so too. It's not the kids fault lady. She's not jackass. It's not and you really should be, you should have processed this and handled this by now. Like I understand I'm not taking away her anger towards the guy and clearly she's still in love with him and always will be.
Starting point is 00:57:22 But it's also been like many years and you're a therapist and you should know better at this point. And Candace mentioned that this happened before they were married. It happened in college and then they still got married after. So she, I'm really, I'm so happy. So she's happy.
Starting point is 00:57:36 Yeah, I'm so happy. Yeah, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.
Starting point is 00:57:43 I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. It is out of their line. You know what? She's probably mad at herself then, isn't she? She's probably mad about that egg oafl, like Lego my head. Yeah, she's like, this is cold on the inside and it tastes grainy. You just fed a frozen eggo, okay? Yeah, frozen eggo. While she's drinking like a martini at the same time. But I can't believe he's an egg oafl. Yep, that's my kind of lady.
Starting point is 00:58:04 So, okay, and this is crying like she's full on crying now She's like you're trying to put all this on me. It's not fair and Dorothy's like you don't spring this on someone the day before your wedding And yes, cuz um the wedding's not tomorrow, so okay, it's three days from now, man. Well huge difference And then we get a we get a really good view into this dynamic because the mom's like, do not bring that into my home. Say, my wedding is now your home. My wedding is mine. My! She starts screaming at her mother like a child and I'm like, oh my god these two. Yeah, exactly. And Dorothy's like, you know what? The people who've been there to nurture you,
Starting point is 00:58:41 to change your diaper, to take you to dance class, to take you to your pageant, to buy your pageant dresses, to make sure you live out, you might carry a stream through you. Those people, you have to be loyal to. Well, she's also getting money from the dad for the wedding, right? Didn't we see scenes last year where she was asking the dad for a certain amount for the wedding too? Yeah, he's like, I'll give you $10,000 and that's it. You should not be having a $100,000 wedding.
Starting point is 00:59:02 She's like, but mom's putting in all this money. He's like, I don't care. Yeah. So that doesn't tell you that. So he should have a say too, you know? Yeah. That's what it's coming down to. But I think the mom's point is, you know,
Starting point is 00:59:14 it's about respect or whatever. And she should have talked to her a long time ago. It's stuff which I get. And not on camera. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't really watch this to watch people fight with their moms,
Starting point is 00:59:24 you know? I mean, I don't know. I don't really watch this to watch people fight with her moms, you know, I mean I do But you know like Candace having Candace crying is like nothing new and exciting, but I mean You know her mom is her mom is like slightly a monster her mom's sort of a monster Candace is a brat and together They're just a disaster. Yeah, pretty much That brings us to the end of Potomac, eh? Hey, so you guys go to WatchUpRappens.com, make sure you get your merch. There's all sorts of fun stuff. It's also at crapensmerch.com if that's easier for you to remember.
Starting point is 00:59:55 The strength to the Rosé and Rosé All Day and show a brand. All those all that merchandise is there. Plus of course tickets to our shows. So fun. If you're worried about going solo, don't worry, you'll make friends. We really promise it. And we'll be back tomorrow to discuss, oh, part one of Vanderpump Rules Reunion, which looks crazy and we're also going to be live streaming that. So that's going to be at patreon.com slash watch we're crappins at noon. Pacific, right? Yeah. Yeah, everybody, we will see you later.
Starting point is 01:00:27 Bye. Plus, an Apple Podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wundry.com slash survey.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.