Watch What Crappens - Southern Charm: Fetching the Knot

Episode Date: August 13, 2022

Shep's dog is forced into marrying Patricia's, and Marcie tells everyone she's pregnant over and over again. Welcome to a very special canine wedding episode of Southern Charm! This week's premium bonus is a breakdown of the Real Girlfriends in Paris trailer. Find all of our premium bonuses and video recaps at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Prime members, you can listen to watch what crap ends at free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts. It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off. Voice only. Launching during pride. Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chaz and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running around, I'm running know, it's Friday. I'm just like really excited to launch myself into the weekend. It's going to be to be a wild weekend for me. I'll tell you that much, but I'm ready for it. Oh, yeah, you've got some crazy things planned. Is it going to be like a board game orgy or what? What the hell are you doing over there? I'm going to Orlando. I think if there's

any place you can find a board game or G is probably there. Actually, you can. There's a big board game sort of there. I'm going to Orlando because Dom Sissor is getting married. I'm going to be doing a whirlwind trip to Orlando. Unless there's some sort of cancellations, I should be back by Monday for podcasting, but it is going to be a quick dip into that Florida humanity. So it's going to be a wild one, you know. What about you?

It's going to be fun. I hope you're prepared for that. That would be great. When are you two getting married? It's your turn and it's still legal. It'll be legal for about 10 more minutes. Might as well get it in there, boys. Yeah, we probably will get that.

We'll get something, I'm sure. Hopefully a free drink from the flight attendants, but, you know, I haven't got one of those in a long time, unfortunately. Flight attendants are not having our shit. I'll tell you that. And by R, I mean, everybody does not a flight attendant, okay? And rightfully so, flight attendants are fucking over it. It's this point. Like it's my bad for party. They're like die. Okay, could you do me a favor? Please don't put on your seatbelts I'm making I'm making a a mental note to myself. This is the most important thing You have to do before trip to Orlando Charge my noise canceling headphones because that's basically like a Chuck E. G's in the air you know when you're flying to Orlando it's like good luck

and you need those headphones all the way until you get to the Uber because when you land in Orlando that air I mean that airport it's like kids are like they're on it's like Gremlins you know when the Gremlins take over the toy store it's like children on ceiling fans and you wake there and there's and there's that like there's like that tram thing that takes you from the terminal to the gates and all the doors I have like frozen characters on it which means while you stand there you hear a thousand times look there's Olaf do you see Olaf? Hey Bryce look at Olaf

Olaf you see Olaf mommy there's Olaf yeah I'm like everyone can we make a general announcement? Olaf is on the door. We can now move on with our lives. You wouldn't hear that if you stood next to me because all you would hear if you stood next to me in front of a frozen poster is. Let it go!

Let it go! Just out-sing those little fuckers, okay? Out-sing them. Yeah, that's what I will do. Well, today, speaking of weddings, we're here okay? Out's the thing, um, yeah, that's what I will do. Well, today speaking of weddings, we're here for a real dog die-afternoon, everybody, cause dogs are getting married on broth. What?

You're starting to sound like a, what's her face on Big Brother that, what's her name, not Janice, you know, she's like, good, Jaylen Chan you was pretty, I didn't check it, we could layer fries. I made you get it in your mouth. She practiced that line. I got some Brutus a back ramp, which she says a butter

God what what's her I don't know Jasmine. Oh my jasmine on my Janice. She's awful She's awful and she practices those lines because people have caught her on the live feed. So anyway, she's And she practices those lines because people have caught her on the live feed. So anyway, she sucks. But we have all these people that suck. So, you know, we need to keep on this container of suck. I'm sorry. We move on to that. So, this one is a dog wedding.

Real quick, before we get into it, I just wanted to say thank you everybody. Last week, we talked about ice coffee and I complained about watered down ice coffee. And what do I do about iced coffee? Well, it turns out the crap in this audience is very into their iced coffee because we got a lot of suggestions. I tried them all. I spent a week trying all of them.

I did the frozen ice cubes, coffee ice cubes, which was a great suggestion that did work, but I don't like taking the time to freeze. Yeah. I don't like taking the time to freeze. I don't like messing up the ice trays. Then I spilled the coffee because you know my freezer is stacked, which I've still got like neutral systems shit in there from like three years ago, which we saw how much that did.

So that's what my freezer looks like. So it has like coffee drips all over it now. So that one, but thank you. Yeah. You make it tonight before and put it in the fridge. That's what I always do, so that doesn't count. Yeah. The best one turned out to be this thing on Amazon.

It was like $25. It's called the Chill Zone. I think it's called the Free Zone or the Chill Zone. Did Cynthia Bailey make that? The Chill Zone. You never, you really can never trust if your coffee freezer is going to cheat on you, but you're going to marry it anyway. It's something like that, like the chill zone, I think.

And it looks like a big thermos and it has like a metal container on the inside. And then in between that, it has like a core. And and then on the outside it has another metal container. So basically the coffee goes in between, you pour hot coffee in between a frozen thing and a frozen thing. Works like a damn charm. Thank you so much. I've been using it every day. I'm drinking. Listen to this ice. Nothing has melted. I think new ice has grown in this cup. So thank you for the suggestion you guys.

I appreciate. Wow. Yeah. We'll put a link to that on our social media, because I know people will be like, where can I find that? We'll put it on our social media, and you'll be able to find it right there. No, hashtag no ad, okay. It's not an ad.

It's actually, it's in my Amazon cart at the moment. I have, right now I'm like on the verge of committing to purchasing that ice coffee thing and a new meat pounder. And I'm like, do I pull the trigger? Or is something else gonna pop up in my mind and I'm like, add that to the cart. You know, it's that thing where you're like,

I feel like this is all I want. But what if I want something as soon as I to the cart, you know, it's, you know, it's that thing where you're like, I feel like this is all I want. But what if I want something as soon as I press at like purchase, you know, are you sure that the meat pounder isn't just a 40 and slight because you're about to go to a wedding and it's freaking you out like chef. No, it's, I saw I was watching a video by Carla Lolli music and she was pounding cutlets and her meat pounder looked amazing and I've not been able to find that on the internet. But it sort of sparked an interest in me

and getting a better overall meat pounder. So that's the journey I'm on. So make it murder mine, make it murder mine. I gotta make cutlet, okay listen, cutlets are really actually kind of annoying to pound out or at least with a meat pounder that I have. And I feel like Carla, she just took her meat pounder and she was like one, two and she had a cutlet. And I was like,, she just took her meat pounder, she was like one, two, and she

had a cutlass. And I was like, I need to have, I want to have quick cutlets too. So that's, that's where I'm at right now. She's also got Instagram editing, okay? Don't, don't be fooled. She has industrial light and magic behind her. She's got a talent. She's got the old hamplin' number, everything in there.

Steven Spiel represents. He's just walking along a path of frozen cutlets on the ground. Let's start this, Rick. Please, please. Okay. A couple and a half minutes in. I mean, we are gonna start it,

and we're gonna start it with a very hot take. And a reminder that winter is scrappin' starts on Monday. But here's my hot take. I was looking, now I was watching this very fascinating episode, and I was looking, I was watching this very fascinating episode and I was looking at Olivia and I had a very intriguing epiphany and it will sound wild but I want everyone just to listen to what I have to say and then next time you watch just look. Yes, it's Willie from my story. We all know already. Okay. Olivia. Basically looks like Carl in like a blonde wig. If you take out Carl's, you know, five o'clock shadow and all his hair and all his

carl, Carl's up and he put him in blonde hair. It's Olivia. I'm telling you, you won't be able to unsee it. It's like the time we noticed that that boason from below deck bed was actually the savander pub. Oh my god. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'll wait. I'll hold my judgment until I see her in white jeans. But also the gossip with hers or her brother is like the biggest. Oh, this is gossip. I don't know this. Don't sue me. It's alleged. La, blah, blah. Her brother's a big coped dealer in Charleston and is apparently like besties with Thomas blah, blah. Her brother's a big coat dealer in Charleston, and is apparently like besties with Thomas Ravanaugh,

and there's all these pictures that I'm like hanging out on the internet. Wow. So, wow, look at that. So that explains a lot. That explains a lot on this show. Yeah, if any of that is, if any of that utter slander is true,

that explains a lot. Okay. Yeah. And I just want to do an addendum to my Olivia thing. If you look at pictures of her on the internet, you're not going to see it. You have to actually watch the show and then you'll see the Carl face. You just have to do enough Coke. So just call her brother. So her brother sells a Rachel.

Have a Rachel. That's what you're saying. If you ever have like a little little puddle, no, I don't know. Okay, let's get into it. Who knows? So, um, but that's a good city to sell it in. How? So let's start with the party planner over at Patricia's house.

So it's a big to be continued from last week where a Patricia's like, how fast can you do this dog wedding? I want it done in a wing. Trish's house so it's a big to be continued from last week where a pretrishes like Now on it done in a wing So now we come back and it's very intense this sound Yeah, we're doing it really well Wow, Ronnie We can do that. I was like, what the fuck were you writing? Yeah, Ronnie, by the way, you've just got...

Where is Novosibirskendens over there? I know who does not bring their laptop to a meeting also, by the way, a party planner Erica. By the way, I'd like to say that it's not that this last episode was like to be continued is more like to be filled as in our episode order needs to be filled. So we're gonna do an entire episode to stretch out the content of this dog wedding. Right? Like, that's what this was today, right?

Like, we have to get to our 18 episode order. But isn't Southern Charm Filler in general? That's what it is, you know? True. It's like getting mad. It's like whenever you get mad when you get a UPS package and it's got those little foam peanuts in it. You know, like, damn it.

It's like they have to be. They're the package will break. That's what they do because they can't have enough housewives cities, you know? You got to get some, some fuck boys, you know, you got to get some, some fuck boys, you know, some homely fuck boys, with serious addiction tissues. Okay, let's get back to the show. So party planner is like, wow, I did don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don't don't people like come up in on the ground like twerking with each other Unless the emperor yons At which point you're out is that

Bellarini Garsh was that selly-yery So anyway, yeah, so Patricia's like I like that yes, so detail oriented except for the detail we forgot your laptop to write down all the instructions I got to see him watch your ride it like you're doing math. Hey, you know where we should go? Act where things were good once. Gwans! Oh, God, you're home for fashions and savings.

Gwans! You're home for discount poofy sleeves. Gwans. You're home for the greatest internship. Unless you're racist. Gwans! So, where it glans Catherine is still banned. There's like little pictures of her drawn all over the store like do not not wanted

Catherine did just far lane and so Now it's Venita Venita. I guess is the new the new model and so she's trying on stuff in Madison's there and She's considering wearing fur and she's like maybe not to the dog wedding. And I like that consideration for dogs, but dogs do eat meat. So I don't think that they would mind as long as it's not like poodle fur or something. Well actually, all dogs hate poodles too. So make a poodle for her. Yeah.

So we learned that Madison is actually the maid of honor at this for peaches, which is exciting. And then now it's Wednesday because before it was Monday, but now it's Wednesday, and Whitney is walking peaches, and it's peaches first time actually getting a proper walk. Her first time on the unleash. And so he's brought peaches to meet up with Shaft and Little Crack. It's kind of like a pre-wedding, you know, visitation moment. Right. It's like the dads, you know?

Yeah. The dad, the in-laws, hanging out. So Whitney's like, oh, she's never been walked, you know, but if my mother goes to Paris, like, she doesn't have to worry about walking her outside the Brits. So Whitney says that his new gig is playing the wedding march for these dogs, which I'm sure the dogs are going to love. They really love screechy, super loud sounds that don't make any sense, Reno. Yeah, they can't wait. Every really excited about that.

And Whitney is like, well, mom, I'm just, I'm protesting this new concept called mom instead of mother, but mom things neither me nor you will be married eight times in. I said, I'm already married to the music. Reno, I didn't know that after all, but my marriage is a big deal, right? And he's like, oh my God, the same woman every night, I don't, I don't think I could do it. Yeah, it's the age old question Love versus last Vietnam versus World War two which is more worthy of a documentary

The Civil War or Vietnam which was the better Ken Burns doc And so he's like you'll never not be wildly attracted to somebody who isn't the person you're with and when he goes, yeah, every year for her, it comes out with a new model, am I right? All right, all right. Yes, and if that's the case, both of your models are like the fucking wagon and horse, okay?

Like they come out with new models for women too. What the fuck model do you two dopes think that you are? Yeah, yeah. You think those young women you date wanna be riding a horse and what buggy or whatever the hell? No, they don't. How they want a nice hot car. So, Chef is like, well, I don't wanna get married

because I don't wanna get a divorce. I mean, I don't wanna be a failure in marriage because I come from a family with zero divorce. The bar is high. You know, do you know how difficult it is to maintain an entire family tree of miserable relationships that are too afraid to get divorce? Garsh. Oh God. So is that why you don't have a job either?

Just afraid of failing. I don't like failing. It's why I'm just generally a failure. Who gets mailbox money? So he just doesn't want to share his trust fund, which all goes back to my original point that Shep is not as rich as he's pretending, okay? Because if that trust fund was a real huge rich person trust fund, he wouldn't care. Because we would have a solid prenup, he wouldn't care about sharing because it would be so much he didn't have. Because we would have a solid prenup, he wouldn't care about sharing, because it would be so much he didn't have to worry. But this is like the tiny condo

on the wrong side of town trust fund. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, it's the distrust fund. Which was a diss. I was just stunned. Is a diss. Is a trust fund diss? Distrust fund.

How could you? I'm afraid of failing, what distrust funds? Yeah. So yeah, he's like, yeah, I'm afraid of failure. And of course it's Shep, so he still makes this all about him being like a vulnerable victim. He just needs a hug from a pretty girl, you know?

He's like, yeah, it's gonna be really hard because no one wants to fail. And it's not something anybody wants to say they did. Need us that little boy like a smile thing that he does. I would hate to be like America in Vietnam in 1975, having to pull away with tales between our knees. Oh, gosh, failure. So then we go to a restaurant. Now it's Friday and Taylor is at a restaurant

and she's sitting by herself, talking to herself, saying, I hate being the first person because then you just awkwardly sit here and stare at the menu. I'm like, well, imagining the first person who's sitting there awkwardly and staring at the menu. I'm like, well, imagining the first person who's sitting there awkwardly and staring at the menu and also talking to yourself. That's a person actually, I think, who's going to be alone forever

because it's very comfortable talking to yourself. You know, like you can judge someone's ability to be alone by the way they can talk to myself. I have full conversations over here. I have a great time. And I think she'll be fine too, because she's like, oh my God, doesn't this suck Taylor?

Sure does Taylor. I don't know if they have pigs in the blanket. So also, this is another reason I think she's gonna be alone forever. Your picker is broken, okay? First year was shut, but then on watch what happens live, Andy asked her if there are any bravo leverities

that she wants to like get with. And she said that at upfront, she met Tom Schwartz. And he's just adorable. So I'm just glad you didn't say precious. Now, there's a, and there's the answer, Kathy Hilton should have given. They put up a picture of Lizzo. Uh, uh, papa, papa. Tom Schwartz? Yeah, Tom Schwartz, I mean, I mean, talk about like a walking red flag. It's like not even a nice red flag. It's like a wrinkled red flag. I just, you know, I guess, I guess poor Taylor, she just has that desire to fix broken men. Jean and her. That's a shame. Yeah. So let's see. Then back to take, wait, back to...

So she's sitting at the takeover. So we're going to take it back. Yeah. She's just there. And she's met by the girls Olivia and Catherine. And then Olivia, Olivia's like really all about Catherine because I feel like they'd only just met, right? I could be wrong. But Olivia's like, all about Catherine because I feel like they only just met, right? I could be wrong, but Olivia's like, I love that color of your hair, Catherine, and Catherine's like,

I'm thinking about going back to Reg, she's like, I love red on you too. I'm like, okay, relax, Olivia, you're on the show, you don't have to kiss up to Catherine. Yeah, and Taylor, Taylor's just so southern. She's like, oh my God, aren't you a cypher-saurus? You remind me of the good old days of summer. I'm going to have a tickled pink please. Like, could you say?

One more southern thing on the row, please. I'm just waiting to see what it is. Well, pick my daisy thing, call me a froggy. That's, I don't know if that's a confirmed Southern saying, but it feels like it is. So we find out that Olivia has been set up on a blind date with Marcy. Which, you know, you trust Marcy? You know, you want to talk about someone muttering to themselves all the time. That's all Marcy's done on the show.

It's better around her house to say I'm pregnant over and over again, like a crazy bird, like I'm pregnant. I'm still pregnant. Oh, look at me folding the tiny, tiny, tiny little outfit. It would be full size, but I'm pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I was a little dubious about who Marcy was going to choose. Later on, I was pleasantly surprised. More, I mean, for a show? Well, for this show, the local junior high and just say getting my van. I mean, what I'm saying for this. Well, it could have been, it could have been like JD or could have been Thomas Rathman. I'm by. On this show, that's usually what you get. That's true. Yeah. I'm like, I think we dodged a bullet here. But, um, uh, yeah, so, so Marcy is, Marcy.

A civil war bullet from a replica gun that I have from the Ravenel state. Hi, welcome, getting to my van. We can talk about deals. Deal, deal, deal, deal. I got lots of businesses, honey. Hope you like the smell of sea garr.

Ah! So Olivia's wondering if she should let Austin know that she's bringing a date, and they're all kind of like, no. So then we cut to Austin, who's FaceTiming his sister, and having Banta about Harry Potter, he's like really upset with the vision of Harry Potter.

Like the literal vision of Harry Potter. He's like, I mean, like, he has like broken glass. Like this insane. And why is he fixed his glass? He's a wizard. This is insane right now. Yeah, he's the only one that wore glasses and you know, like the whole series.

I mean, I have to make sense. Like, why is he always doing like, why is he the only one with shitty vision? And the entire wizarding world. This is insane darn that, man. Maybe they were for fashion, Austin. I mean, open your eyes for once. So I love it's funny how he's mad at like another privileged kid. He's like, he is because of his parents, you know, interesting. Did Harry Potter have a different beer that was paid for by his parents than you or so then we go to

Oh also he's running whales for me in his hat you say I like whales, but he's like hmm. He's wearing a whale hat What brand is that vineyard vines maybe? Oh? Is that a guy thing too? This is a very long way vineyard vines is is yeah, it's for everyone Vine's is is yeah, it's for everyone like some Margaret Joseph's I'm I just learned about it on the house live show so I'm like wow boys wear that Yeah boys and boys and girls they all layer they all wear the whales, you know I wasn't girls and anyone that twirls So yeah, so he's talking about Harry Potter.

He's very, he's getting very, very animated about it. And then he's talking about like Olivia. He's like, he's like, well, I've been talking to Olivia, but I want to continue to have fun too. So like, like, I don't know. And Katie is like, well does she know that? He goes, yeah, which I don't believe Olivia knows. I think she just figured it out herself.

So she's like, don't make having fun to messy Austin. He's like me, I'm not able. Oh, I was like, it gets spit all over the FaceTime screen. She's like, could you just wipe that off so I could see you for the rest of this content with being great. So we see a flashback of Austin being messy over the years including that footage from

the where he got taught. It's like you're in sick medicine. And then Katie says, listen Austin, don't put yourself in a position where you wake up and you're like, cue the mess and he goes, okay, Gandhi that, what, what are you talking about, Gandhi? So there was only one place to go from Harry Potter, okay? Straight to Gandhi every time. Yeah. So then back to the girls, Catherine's like, tell me about this wedding thing.

Like, I wouldn't invite it to no wedding. And Taylor's like, oh, yeah, it's. Like I wouldn't invite it to no wedding. And Taylor's like, oh yeah, it's for the pop so it'll crack in peaches. Isn't that cute? And, and it's like, I got lost actually. I thought I could find, I thought by the time I got the end of saying it's a, I would know where I was, but I didn't. Well, basically Catherine just hears about the dog party and is like, oh God, let's have our dogs marry each other. You can come to my house and I have to lavish them.

But still be. It's like, well, it's either this or another meatball scene. So I'll take this, you know, today, today I choose this. So over Patricia's house, a three tiered cake is delivered and they're using that like Bravo knockoff of Nora Efron music, you know, it's like, yeah, it's like romcom music or whatever. And so we see everybody getting ready. Also during the episode, the editors know they're in trouble so they just keep adding shit. They have all these wedding quotes, you know, a lot of Oscar wild. Yeah. And they've

chaptered the whole thing. So some of it's like chapter one, chapter two. And then some of it's like Monday in big limits across the screen Tuesday. You guys, are you chaptering it? Are you just day of the weeking it? Or are you voting it? Okay, I can't talk with their fucking Apple Final Cut protein tricks. Thank you. I was going to say that it's either that it should all be chapter, it should be like chapter one, Monday, chapter two.

But then it's like, no, it's like days and then chapters and then it's like the reception. I thought it was inconsistent. And I also felt like you either do all Oscar Wild Quotes or you just do one Oscar Wild Quote and you do have a variety but don't do like for Oscar Wild Quotes and then Sinatra and Clint Eastwood. I felt like I wanted like a revision of this entire thing. Where's the Harry Potter Quote? Where is the Harry Potter Quote? thing. Where's the Harry Potter quit? Where is the Harry Potter quit? Oh, I'll give you a Harry Potter quote. Did you hear about the time he was racing his friend back from La Crosse practice? I went over someone's yard with this broomstick. It's insane that kid Wednesday, chapter four,

mecha leka ha, mecha haini ho Harry Potter. So, um, so Oscar Wilde, I was very offended that they used Oscar Wilde because you know, Oscar Wilde would only be able to go to a ball in that town if he had a female companion. We've already learned that from this show. Leave Oscar Wilde the fuck out of your lips. How about that? Cooper is protesting this episode somewhere. Cooper is like, I hope he wrote that quote with a woman in tow.

What? Cooper is like, I hope he wrote that quote with a woman in tow. It's time for commercial. It's time for it. Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest and insightful take on parenting. Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Browneuller, we will be your resident not so expert experts. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking, oh yeah, I have absolutely been there. We'll talk about what went right and wrong.

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So, um, yeah, so all these like the cake is arriving. There's the keeps the arch is going up. And then we were seeing stuff around town. So Craig is at home and he's yawning. This is big Greg is yawning. And then oh, because he's waking up with Paige and he's like, I sleep so much better one year here. And then, oh, because he's waking up with Paige and he's like, I sleep so much better when you're here. And she's like, all he hears is like,

I'm like, really? I didn't know I snored. Did it keep you up? No, I just put a pillow over your head. Lath, that was funny. Lath, Craig. He just keeps staring at her. I can't describe my laugh.

Yeah, it's like he's not gonna laugh at that. Also Paige is gonna hate Craig. I cannot wait till Paige H. Craig. I just feel like Paige, the Paige we know from this, from her show, would not stand for Craig for two seconds. I don't think she would, I don't think she would stand for him for two fucking seconds. So then over at Shep's house, I wrote Shlep on accident,

but it's kind of over at Shlep's house, Shep and Taylor are giving the dog a bath I'm like, oh my god, you're so close get chef in there And Taylor's like wow look your girlfriend is becoming your wife little Craig are you excited and Shep's like, oh my god He's like my life is basically over. Well, man, if he's disgusting, girls suck and boys rock That doesn't really rhyme, but it doesn't need to We're on the boss of me. I'm single Gosh, this is offensive. This is like the tent offensive. God, I love that do that Vietnam war documentary

like the Tet Offensive. God, I love that Vietnam War documentary. What if he's not ready to create a relationship? Bars! He's the architect of his own demise. So then over at Olivia's, Olivia is in her closet of plastic hangers. You don't belong on the show. Get out.

Or the network to be out. Yes. How dare you show up on Bravo with plastic and you're smushed together. Okay. At least get you some Walmart velvet. Okay. Don't make me come over there. Olivia, you just kidding. I'm already your door because I heard those rumors about your brother. Like, come here. So she tried God looks for the wedding and her dad, Gary, is like, well,

that's pretty what are you going with that thing on. And she's like, I'm going to a dog wedding. He's like a dog wedding really. And she's talking about how Marcy set her up with a guy. And she's like, should I shouldn't feel weird taking this guy on a date right with Austin being there Like I shouldn't feel weird about that. He's like well if I were in your shoes. I'd play the field more or Less you know what I'm saying

She's only a lot of guys you've been giving me that dating advice for years dad So maybe I'll just wait for mom to get home All right, well she is the one that never ever drinks in the day while I'm gone. So she probably is the proper one to ask. Also, was that was what she was wearing a dress that she said, because at the beginning of this scene, she said, um, this dress is too pretty for a wedding. I might save this for people.

Was that a dress she was picking out of the dress she was wearing? Because when her dad was in there and she was talking to him, she was like covering her nits. Like, why do you have to cover your nits when your dad's in there, but not the camera crew? And also, if you have to do that, you don't want to wear that Patricia's house, because you'll never hear the end of it. And by hear the end, I mean, get dirty looks for it for the rest of your life. I didn't realize we invited any sort of wantons husses to this wedding. Yeah, I mean, I, it was, it was, you know, I mean, I understand why she would cover her nips

in front of her dab and not the camera crew. It's like, oh, I guess that's true. Yeah. It's different. There's like, you know, like, I mean, I haven't been to a gym in like three years now at this point, but like if I ever was changing into gym, I didn't mind if I was like changing, there's

like strangers like whatever. But if I saw, but the friend came in and then saw it like someone like a new came in and then I was like changing it if I would make it. I know that's true. I was like, no. Yeah, no, no. He's on context about me. Yeah, no, no, he's only shameful if there's someone you know there.

Yeah, and if it's your dad, it's really going to be weird. Yeah, agreed. Oh, I don, it's really gonna be weird. Yeah, agreed. I don't know why I was thinking that. I was just stuck on that in the closet. I was like, oh my God, poor thing, you have to cover up, and you're home saying, you're in front of your home day, you're in a come out. Because this episode didn't give us much else to think about, so we had to kind of find our own, our own substance. Well, thank you for giving me a reason, because even now I'm like, why was I worrying about that?

So then, let's see, when Quicks are practicing his guitar, like, I can't, please stop trying to make this happen. Please. So then Patricia is getting all glammed up. She's in that glam chair for seven hours. Okay. Yeah. The glam started on the Monday, the chapter one, you know, first Oscar wild quote of this episode. Yeah, she is like, so she's sitting there and she's like, well, it's not every day that your dogs get married. And she says, you know, I know it's silly, but people love weddings and people love dogs. And it's an excuse for a party to be honest. And you know, after all these years, I got to see how those guitar lessons have panned out for Whitney.

So we'll put them up there on a perch and see what notes he can hit. You know, I'm glad to see her having fun, but you can definitely tell who watches Handmaid's Tale and who doesn't on this show, you know? So then Madison comes over and she's like, Hi, it's my Mavsine. And she's like, wow, the maid of honor has my makeup. Was it raining when you came in? Would you like a sip of my dressing drink?

I'm going to be here about 16 hours. So if you'd like a meal of some kind, please just take this shop collar remote control. It's hilarious. Watch this. Oh! Rand, it falls forward every time. this shot collar remote control. It's hilarious. Watch this. Rand falls forward every time. By the way, I loved Patricia's makeup artist.

She sort of looked like she was leading an infermer show. Or like she was on HGTV. She's like, well, welcome. Welcome to the makeup dance. I like to call it. Today we have some wonderful palettes for you to look at. I'm trying some on here on Miss Pat, it's Patricia. Miss Patricia, I apologize for that. Anyway, these palettes are flying off the shelves. So you can get yours now for six, nine to nine, if you call up right now. Yeah, that is bargain basement sheep. I'll make you look pricey. Thank you. So then we see everybody getting ready. Vanilla is putting on her makeup with her assistant Sarah. Who's like, don't you like this makeup?

I know you like this makeup. Don't say you don't like this makeup. I know you like it because you've worn it before. I see that some is missing. So obviously you like this at some point. I'm not terrible at my job, am I? Get a ring light, get a ring light in your step. She is the moment.

So still working on her gay phrases. So yeah, then Leva's doing her hair and her son's watching and Naomi's like fucing with her hair. She's like, and then Austin is putting his, putting a swoop and making his hair look, you know, extra austenie. So then we go to chapter two, chapter two, men marry because they're tired, women marry

because they're curious and both are disappointed. Oscar Wilde's banned from the city. So Olivia comes to Marcy, she's decided on jeans. So then when we exact the blind date, he's 15, okay? He's 15 years old. He's got that like floppy 15 year old, like no product hair. It's just like flopping all over. And he's kinda like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Marson? Yeah, I think that's giving him a lot of credit.

I was kind of seeing like a handsome Napoleon dynamite, like a more handsome, like his cute, but he's got like sort of, that guy's gonna beat me at any video game I put on kind of I'm. Yeah, he's probably really good at like, at like Paul and Dudy. Yeah, everything, He's got everything. Oh my god.

Every video game, you know. So, he says things like, you're in blue. I went with green, which is the opposite blue. Oh, smart. It's actually not. Sir, well, he's straight. So you got that one. You got checked.

It's a congratulations. Not figuring out the very simple pan tone wheel. So. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean love the gaze right I mean don't see enough of them in my right gale also means happy I'm so happy tell me when to stop Some mercy's like oh god no one takes me up on my drinks. I offer them apple cider or Sprite and they just want wine He know what cuz I'm pregnant I'm pregnant. No, Marcy fuck Marcy And Olivia's like well considering this is my first official blind date, I'm pretty pleased with what I see so far. I mean, he's very handsome and he's tall and he's got a great head of hair and doesn't

look like a loser like Marcy says, but let's be honest guys, we all were worried about what Marcy was going to turn it up. So I'm pretty happy. So she asked where they met and Marcy's like, where else? Pickle ball. Oh, God. Fuckin. He's a pickle ball. For a fruit.

Oh, this guy's no, no hope for this guy. And his like, do you have a tennis background? She goes, yes, yes. I mean, like, of course she has a tennis blood background. Look at her. Do you think that Robin did not give her a tennis background? Of course. He'll get your, he'll get your velvet hangers when you get a solid

game down girl, you need to work on that backhand a little more. You're doing better, but you're going to be back to why our hangers pretty soon. If you don't keep your practice sound, don't peel your dad. I'm drinking a martini while I've told you this advice. Just Robin using the ball hopper to pick up your cans or something. It's Robin standing with the ball machine, just like aiming at right at Olivia's head. Oh, miss that one and can't even check my head.

Sweetie, you got to move out of the way of the balls. So now we go to Shep and Taylor. They're on the way, they're driving to the wedding and Craig is in the back seat, the LeCrag, any farts. And Taylor's like, oh my God, little Craig just farted. Oh my God, little Craig, he starts rolling to the window.

I'm like, you know what, you might want a double check who actually did the farting in that back seat. I'm just gonna say that right now. No kidding. Made with Shep. Okay. You're with Shep. He's dressed in one of those like,

you know it smells like mothballs that jacket he's wearing. And it's one of those designs. It's like meant to look like it's covered in lint. You know, it's just like a creepy old man stinky jacket. He definitely bought it at that same store where Papu Cannon's working. Remember that guy? He was like, oh, get you a shirt. So I definitely think that jacket came from there.

So she's like, Craig, you are a Reed Craig. Should we give, should we give Craig any marriage advice or life advice, chef? And chef's like, don't go to sleep, angry, just go to sleep. I'm like, don't go to sleep, angry. Trust, go to sleep. Gah. Little Craig here's my advice. If a guy indicates that he might cheat on you and then he does cheat on you, stay with him a little bit longer

because then he might cheat on you again. And then you can react to that instead. Craig, if you're with a partner, you can't trust. Try and get that partner to impregnate you. That'd be great. So then, um, Shep's like, oh my God, that sounds awful. Rebuilding trust. Well, Crenk, do whatever you want. And she's like, yeah, it's going to be a long day today. It's just a will. And so, uh, then Shepaylor arrived at the wedding. We see the Armadillo cake, the famous Armadillo cake,

and Shepent's like, gosh, I hate weddings. Every freaking girl has a syndrome that Disney frickin' drilled into them. You know, Cinderella, Snow White, Prince Charming on the horse, and it screwed up because there's no Prince Charming. The more perfect they seem, the more screwed up they are. Like, yes, on that last point, correct.

But I don't think this is really Disney's fault. It would, even though it's fun to say that, I think maybe it's the fault of, I don't know, families that advertise that they've never had a divorce and that if you're part of the family, you get trust funds and access, all sorts of wonderful family things. I don't know, maybe that's part of it.

I think that's a really good point. And also nobody's looking at shop and seeing Prince Charming, you know? The only Disney movie you've got going for you is the frog one, okay? You just keep people walking up to you trying to kiss you over and over to see if you'll turn into something, but they don't walk up to a full package. Yeah, I definitely, I feel like when they see shop, they see like maybe at best, maybe they see that like carpet from Aladdin. I don't know. I don't think he's a Disney movie.

I think he's an HGTV show. He's like a flipper flop when you're like, well, you know, the walls may be leaking and there's mold in the basement, but it is cheap and I can make it work. I can make it a dream. I think chef is just like a Don Bluth like cartoon character where you're like, this feels like it should be Disney, but it's not, it's not quite where I want my cartoon to be. So then we go back to Patricia Madison,

still getting dressed and peaches is getting her dress on. And Patricia's like, I'm dressed as better than any wedding dress. I'm a hey. And she's like, wow, this wedding might be nicer than mine, which we won't leave course. That's gonna be on Amazon. I don't know if you've heard Bump Hill Austin. I really love just fucking with his hair.

I've married three times. I was married in a church. I was married on a mega yacht. And I was married in a fifth avenue apartment by a Supreme court judge. And obviously, yeah, you just guess which one that was. Obviously it'd be nice if it was Whitney walking down the aisle, but as long as it's a member of the family, I guess I'll be happy. I mean, I did put out a, I did put out a call to

John Roberts to see if he wanted to fish here for peaches, but unfortunately, no response. Judge Akito wouldn't be here in five minutes. What's his name? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not and I invited Judge Lee to but I was afraid someone might bring in a key tie and it would get very confusing in here. So well I did I did put my feelers out for Judge Judy but unfortunately she's busy with Judy just

just trying to get that one off the ground. And she's not really on the Supreme Court yet but I have faith that she will be very, very soon. They better, they better fortify that bench because there'll be a lot of slapping. A lot of slapping up there. Hey, be quiet. Be quiet. That's my judge, Judy impersonation. So then the planner downstairs is like, okay, everybody everybody we are going to practice the wedding now. Okay everybody getting a light and just give me one second here. Just got to write down that equation real quick. I think I finally figured out a new clear fusion. Stage left, audience left, dog left, which is black and white left.

and slept, dog left which is black and white left. Okay, and everyone, okay, we are gonna start now now. The dogs will go down the center of the aisle. Okay, Austin, you're gonna walk down with Madison. Okay, then you two are gonna walk Little Craig. And she'll say, what, we're gonna walk down? Where are we walking down to? What is this? Oh my God, holy crap, we're all gonna die.

Is there a kitchen at the end of this? Are they gonna be had then? What the me gang? I can't do this! Oh god little crags you go popped in flammable swan. Oh it's a disaster! Austin why do you have a thunderbolt on your forehead? So so then now people are arriving, including Dr. Burger, the veterinarian who officiated, who's officiating, and Whitney's sound checking, so it's like, and Vanita arrives with Charles, still pushing the Charles agenda, and she's the only one who actually brought her dog. I kind of feel bad for her, because I think she thought everyone was bringing their dogs, and then she was the only one who brought a dog. I kind of feel bad for her because I think she thought everyone was bringing their dogs and the shoes the only one who brought a dog. I, but at the same time I'm also like, why are you bringing Charles? You shouldn't be bringing Charles here. This is not a Charles

moment. Yeah, it is. This is, I would bring Bueller. If someone had a dog wedding, of course you bring your dog monster. But then of course, I like your, that's the equivalent of wearing white to someone else's wedding day. I feel like, you're, that's the equivalent of wearing white to some Nelson's wedding day. I feel like it's bringing another dog to a dog's wedding. I probably am wrong on this. I accept it. I'm wrong.

I accept. I'm not going to dig my paws in on this one. So then Charles basically acts like most of the cast on this show. He walks straight up to the barn shits. So yeah. So then Naomi comes and they put a little tux on, little crag and we see the honeymoon suite, little doghouse that they can, I mean, it is kind of sick if you watch Handmaid's Taylor or anything like that.

I don't hear any consent from these two. They don't even seem to like each other, you know? Oh, so that's what happens on that show. Yeah. seem to like each other, you know? Oh, so that's what happens on that show. Yeah, I need like one of them, I need the peaches to be like a red velvet robe with like a little white hat thing on, you know, little piratana hat or whatever. Oh, fun, yeah.

Oh yeah, it's a fun show. Oh yeah, to anybody who's not watching Handmaid's Tale, best comedy onto you, right? It's the most depressing fucking thing I've ever seen. Oh my God, but it's so good. Okay. I hear it's great. Yeah, it is so Yeah, so people are just like arriving Naomi off that level All right, do you all fast tool Take E of master correct. Yeah, I'm sorry. I was fond of to see with that name itself like off-ass tool. It sounds pretty good

Okay, what I'm sorry. I'm confused. You have to watch hand me it's dead. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I was fond of to see what that name would sound like off-ash tool. Sounds pretty good. Okay, what? I'm sorry. I'm confused. You have to watch Handmaid's day. Okay, okay, okay, I will. It's like that's why I keep making Bible references, okay? Because one day you're going to say, I wonder what Ronnie was talking about. I think I'll read the Bible and then I can look up to Jesus and say, got one. Get my, get my commission. Listen, I do watch a handmade stale. It's called Love Island. So, so anyway Austin arrives and I just wrote down Craig come here. So I don't know. So then there's a lot of people, a lot of people arriving and then Austin discovers, because he's Craig's best man and he discovers that Madison is peaches,

you know, made of honor. So he's like, I knew that was gonna happen. Like when Shep asked me to be the best man, I'm like, great, now I have to be on the altar. With Madison, this is insane right now. I hope that they've rotted really, you know, a goober, but if they do set him up to fail, so funny so not only all this is going on But he has to show up in a van, you know, I feel like whenever anybody else so yeah

He shows up in like the airport sprinter like they don't even send him a regular car. They're like ascend him the production sprinter But you know, they do of course set him up for this like, it is funny, because they are totally setting him up for this, but they set him up for it because they know he falls for it every time. Like, he's the only one who cares. He's the only one who's really referring to this as like a real altar. Like, everyone else is just like, this is a dog wedding. And he's like, I can't believe I'm getting married to Madison right now. It's like, dude, chill out.

So when he sees Madison, Madison comes out and she's of course like, vo-boom as always. And Austin's just like gritting his teeth, you know? And Taylor goes, wow, look at you, Madison. You look like a mermaid. And she's like, Nike, I was thinking more of that frowns than

would you know what happened in my house. Nadeca! Nadeca! She's like, I was inspired spout about the Orlando airport. I saw this big gay queen at the Orlando airport waiting for the tram singing it. And I said, I want to use that inspiration. So I decided to dress up like a mermaid, but then tell everyone it was for

isn't. So speaking of cool things. So Naomi meets Zach, because now Olivia and Zach have arrived And Naomi Naomi she greets Zach in the most Naomi way possible. Sorry my hand is frigid And Marcy shows up just how you think she would all I everybody what everybody, what is that, a boy? Oh, unfortunately, a pregnant can't see that. I mean, guys, that's fine. Uh, so then Austin is staring at Olivia from across and he sees Olivia with Zach. He's like, who is that?

Who is that? And Taylor's like, that is Olivia's date. I learned about him when I was talking to myself at the restaurant the other day. He's like, well, well, he's a handsome man. He's a handsome man. Chapter four. Saturday. Ways not want not. Linda Dano. You know, I don't know. A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then, it's too late. Frank Sinatra.

happiness is until he's married by then it's too late. Frank Sinatra. So we see little clips, little snippets of the wedding and chefs telling the dog, little Craig, you can always get a divorce. What's happening? And then we see Olivia hugging Venita. So they're good now. And Naomi's like, oh my God, Olivia, that teenager he brought, like he's so cute. Are you tutoring him? And she's like, yeah, thanks. I'm a fan so far. Yeah, big fan.

And so then Naomi is like, yeah, what you just said. So then chef and Austin start talking about Olivia. And there's just like making small talk about it. And then Austin's like, well, so I get I'm sorry. So now there's so many people walking around. My notes get confusing. So Chef and Austin are talking to Olivia about Zach and Austin's like, so who is your date? It's like Harry Potter without glasses on. It's like pretty insane. Olivia's like, oh well, Marcy and John really set me up with him. I just sort of assumed it would be a kind of a librarian with tuna breath, but turns out

he's kind of a cute guy. Whoa, he seems kind of cool, which is so shut because of course if it was any other younger cute guy, Shep would hate him immediately because that's how Shep is, but he's just here to torture Austin, So, I said, and Austin's like, oh, I mean, yeah, well, yeah, well, his face is, his mouth just keeps on moving. So, he's like, you know, this one of those things

where you say you want them to date and most of the day really don't like go out on the day and she just told me what I told her to do. So, I'll pull that pull that pull that pull. like god on the day and she just told me what I told her to do. So then Naomi's talking to Madison and she's like um so is it awkward that Austin is best man and you're made of honor? Be careful my hand it's like frigid right now like be careful. I know you said you're gonna be frozen but I'll see my hand is really the Anna here okay. Okay. Hey, my name is say hello to me. And she's like, well, it changed when you all were like,

find it my house. And then from like today, besides my hand being completely fridge and Madison's like, I got engaged. That's real awkward, you know, I think I've ruined his Amazon prime day. Name is like, well, I feel awkward around Craig now. Like he's like trying to draw clear boundaries and respect page but it's like I mean I've got a frigid

hand like what more of a boundary does he need am I right so then Naomi says she tells us it probably looks insane when I'm trying to be friendly with him and and friends when he has a girlfriend but I thought Craig and I were cool so So this all I'm like, she's like, beats me. I'm confused. It's time for commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial. So then we see Paige and Craig walking up the street and Paige, wow, Paige, do something. Like, you need to learn what to wear in this town Because she looks crazy. Okay, she looks crazy. She's gonna cocktail dress Yeah, she's in like a little pink cocktail dress so they're walking up and she's like

I don't think many people have been to a dog wedding and he's like it's such a Charleston thing to do like a dog wedding Like Charleston is like the only place you wouldn't see something like it's so Charleston. Shut up Delaware. Stop telling everybody is so Charleston. Yeah and Craig is like trying to do the page thing now because they walk in and he goes oh my gosh there's like pews. Did I do it right? Don't do it like right page. Yeah pretty much. She's like this Yeah. She's like, this is some rich people shit. This is some rich people shit. I'm like, your show is literally about you going to the Hamptons

every weekend. So the girls are like, oh my God, is that page page? You must be freezing. Are you cold? Are you cold? Oh my God. Oh my God. Are you cold?

You must be so cold. Wait, are you cold with an amazine? Oh my God. I'm only going to get rocks. Just like rocks on it. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm not leaving your get rocks. Just put rocks on it. She's freezing. She looks so cold. Are you cold? Oh my god. Are you cold? Who designed that? So they make Naomi's like, Craig, give her your jacket, Craig. Give her your jacket. So she gets all covered up and you know, Paige is like, this doesn't go go with my dress. So I'm fuck you bitches. I'm going to hate you all from now on. And then Craig turns us into a whole thing. He's like, I

mean, what's going on in Naomi's head? Where is she? She knows what's best for me and my girlfriend. I don't think she's getting at this. This is not respecting that. Okay. This is not what's best for you and your relationship. This is like, she's cold and you're wearing a jacket. You should get her your jacket. Like that's all it is. It's called weather Craig, okay. And Craig obviously still has feelings for me.

I mean, I think like he's acting too defensive and crazy to not be feeling something. Yeah, you know, like how dare she say that page looks cold. Jesus. Also, he's in his red faced anger moment today, which is usually he reserves towards, to episode towards the end of the season and then the reunion where he really

turns it on and goes nuts and he's already there. So. Yeah. And he puts the jacket on page, which means we get our classic page. Thank you. And she looks pissed. I was like, thank you.

I hate this. I hate this. I think I've watched you wear this for like 10 seasons now. I hate it. Thanks for putting your Josie Banks jacket on me. Thank you. So then, Patricia is still getting dressed like Jesus Christ. I mean, I know that big proof in the front of your hair can't be easy, but what are you doing?

Like paper machine gets, get down here. Chapter five, marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood, a quote he made when talking to a chair on a stage. Congratulations, sir. then Aiswood, a quote he made when talking to a chair on a stage. Congratulations. So if we're going to use another clean Ais joint quote in this episode, could we please reserve, get off my lawn? Thank you. Go ahead.

Make my wedding day. See what I did there. Someone call up just this Roberts and let him know he's really missing a good one down here. So it's time to start. So the wedding planter starts throwing petals out on the ground. And ships like, let's get the ceremony out of the way so everyone can have some actual fun and not be bothered by stupid weddings and stupid marriages, what you're probably going to fail anyway. And so, yes, so they're like, they, um, Austin, the wedding party has to go line up and Austin, it's like very, we haven't really talked about really how great it is. It's like drizzling.

I actually love it. I'm like, it was so fally. I was like, I love this. But, um, so Austin's like, hey, Erica, party planner with the pencil. Hey, should I take this umbrella? Cause about the range, she's like, hmm, doesn't look great. Doesn't look great.

So they're like, okay. So he goes into line. He's the only one without an umbrella. And he starts getting pissed. And then it really starts raining, right? Yeah. Everybody has their, everybody has their umbrellas but him. And and then the music the dramatic music because Whitney's having problems because it's an electrical guitar in Marine and Patricia's like what a disaster so they're all waiting to go on Madison has like a cute you know

Binkum Brawler and Austin's like I have for an umbrella and she said I couldn't have one Wow, she just maybe she just said my cute and he goes oh yeah, why are you here? Why are you the way you are and she's like you're the one being weird mr. Non umbrella God I tried to get one And he goes are you serious Lord have mercy God, the Lord does not have mercy. It's raining literally on my ass. The Lord has no mercy for me. Which had an umbrella. The Madison just shrugs and the music goes,

hop boom. So that they start the procession. And so the the efficient, the vet, the vet, he starts. And there's like, I guess he has to go to the left. I actually never noticed this about the officiant, but I guess he had to go to the left and not down the aisle. And so, Shep starts freaking out about the aisle. He's like, no, he has to go down the aisle, not to the left,

not down the aisle, no Austin, you go down the aisle. Come on guys, gosh, go down the middle. Where are we gonna go? Which way do we go? I don't know which way we're going, where's my life going? That's all I see is the end So they all start walking and it's the music and of course Whitney's like So the dogs start freaking out, you know, one's like trying to get away The other one is like trying to cut itself on like the leg of a chair.

Geez. Why would you do that to a dog? And so if I only get a little crack at the altar, and now it's time for Patricia to walk with peaches, and then the music gets like very tense, because then peaches has a moment of hesitation, the music gets super tense and people like, oh no! So then we come back from commercial and it's basically like the final scene of the graduate. Charles jumps out of the pew right into peaches face and it's like, don't do it. Whatever her name was. I took a shit by the bar to leave you a message. Did you get it? Don't do it.

Yeah, I'll peaches. It's just like, no, I can't do this. And it's like the screeching music and peaches is trying to get away and like pull herself through the leash. It's like, God, you get down the aisle. It's fucking ray finds down there at the end. That's the preacher, Joseph Fines, I wish ever when it is.

I was going to say, is this a call back to Harry Potter? No, it's Joseph Fines, yes, the brother. Well, yeah, I would have really liked the Charles and Peaches just like ran off and got onto a bus and had often into the future. But they like, they swoop in and they say, they save peaches from Charles. And then, then chef is now freaking out because he forgot to get his little top hat for little Craig. I mean, it's just like, there's a lot of pandemonium happening.

Yeah. So he runs and then it's still Whitney like, I mean, Jesus, Whitney, we know you want to be alone. Okay. Like some of us getting a hundred we know you want to be alone. Okay. Like some of us getting a hundred pounds when we want to be alone. Do something like that or smoke a pack of cigarettes a day or something, get a drug habit, do something

but put the guitar down. Okay, we all know you want to be alone. Got it. So then the Olivia, the Olivia is talking to us which goes, I feel bad for Austin. I mean, he's in a shit situation because they're talking about Austin standing up there

with Madison at the altar. And she goes, but I'm gonna have fun with Jake and the producers like, he means Zach. She's like, oh my God, it is Zach. That is hilarious. Me. It's hilarious, me. So, a Taylor's like, if this was Chef, Yeah. It's hilarious me. Yeah.

So, a Taylor's like, if this was Chef, he wouldn't even sit long enough to listen to the vows. And Chef's like, I'm a big skip the wedding, go to the reception kind of guy. We know, Chef. Hey, did you hear about the two antennas that got married? No. The ceremony was okay, but the reception was amazing.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, it's so good. Hey, what did zero say to eight? What?

Nice belt. Okay, it's not even an wedding joke. No, the wedding guests. They were actually guests at the wedding. Yeah. And I will say this because I know there's going to be someone who's going to say this. They're like the lady in the graduate. It was not named Diane. Her name was Elaine.

So there is now been fixed. Knock knock. Who's there? By Mama. By Nana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Ba mama. Banana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Orange.

Orange you. Aren't you happy I'm not a banana? Ha ha ha. I love Chanel. Chanel humor. If there's anything we got from Dubai, it's Chanel doing knockout jokes. So let's see.

So the pastor's like, we all know this is a shotgun wedding, but just because my brother is more well Renowned than me doesn't mean that I can't lead it. It's me Joseph finds Do you peggy from madman without have 97 children by me your future husband while the creepy lady from that movie with Ben Affleck is an accused wife killer Gone girl the tableau of pop culture references happening right now. I can't follow anymore Julia was just jumps offense like I can't do it right upon a horse Richard Gears like the turbo rumor was just a rumor. She just shows up at cathartis house. I'm just a girl standing in front of a girl asking her why is your Tanner like that. Um, so he gets like a very dog theme, you know, speech. He's like dogs love

dogs are like love love dogs love is like dogs. Like dogs love leaves messes leaves you little surprises here and there can sometimes give you rabies if you don't get love vaccinated and love needs a lot of cleaning up after. And sometimes you just wanna get it fixed. And in your cases, I've taken care of it. Hey, remember, why take your balls out? Take your, take your, take your tubes out. So Craig's like, maybe one day I'll stand up there

as a human with pains. I've always wanted that romcom life. We're a little dog with broken glasses. It becomes a human just in time to marry a human woman who doesn't know how to wear weather appropriate clothing. I'm just a boy standing in front of a girl asking her what's wrong with my sewing? So there are some doggy vows, which I personally did not write them down. I felt like they were too important for me to try to capture on podcasts. I felt like they had to live in their moment and be gone.

And then it's time for the reception. For now it's time for another quote, here no evil, speak no evil. And you won't be invited. A cocktail party is Oscar Wilde, ex Patricia, it's a collab. So Patricia's like, let there me cake. Why wasn't Pringle here?

Just was wondering that. I know that he's been demoted, but it's a place where there's actually a bar at the door. It's like the first place he had to go to that he didn't have to ask, where's the bar? And you didn't invite Pringle? What kind of monsters are you? I was actually thinking that.

I was like, he must have been in San Diego singing his children because there's no way with all this booze flowing that he's not just like in the back of my head. So I hear there's some dogs getting married here that I drop by because you guys have a bar, ready to chance soon. He's just floating by on the swan

and the pool with a beer in his hand. Found one. So Patricia's talking to Craig about the cake and she's like, did you see the cake top is and he's like Uh, and the armadillo what's that about? She's like it's from steel magnolia is is there seven And so then she goes inside and love is like oh, what did she say and Craig's like? I don't know she said something about Scarlett Magnolia about Scarlet Magnolia. Yes.

Everyone's like Craig. I can't believe that Craig loves all these movies. And he hasn't seen Scarlet, he hasn't seen Steel Magnolia. It's come on Craig, you need to up your movie game, babe. That's right up your alley. Yeah, it seems like it would be for him. So now Naomi and Olivia and Marcy are talking. And Olivia is saying how she really thinks that Zach is cute

And so that that Marcy set it up Marcy's probably like yeah, I said that up just the way I set up a crib So then chef and page and I guess Craig are talking and steps like so Olivia brought a day And now us as freaking out because he's been straddling the line of like, should I or shouldn't like ours? Should I? Garsher? Shouldn't I?

Garsh? You know what I mean? Life's old question. The age old question. The Garsh are not the Garsh. All right. So then meanwhile Austin sitting on a on a sofa with Leva and he's like, he's like, oh, he's like, oh, God, this is insane right now.

I'm drinking Jack Coke right now. Leva's like, don't say that last word too loudly. Otherwise, Olivia's brother might not. Hold on, this is not good. The door. I think this is so funny because this whole thing is like Austin wants to avoid having a girlfriend. So he can be like, chef and keep his job on a

show about Peter Pan's, right? But then Olivia gets a date and brings on a new cast member basically, like a young hot guy, which makes Austin look old, like the old chef was looking when Austin came on, and now he's going to try and get with Olivia so he can be with someone which leads the door open for his act to be the new fuck boy I love the like sick circle of this show Yeah, so he's like god Olivia brought a date and love us like you don't care I do care I do So Marcy tells us her whole plan because she's playing some sort of like Jane Austen

Emma type and she's like what of my plan was if you don't make a move someone else will I didn't hear me so I made sure he could see it my baby bump that is pregnant. So back to love us she's like so you're either gonna go for the girl or you're not gonna go for the girl Austen he's like well you, it looks like I'm not gonna go for that. Looks like I'm not. She's like, why? He goes, well, why would I? Why would I?

And she tells us, what a moron. This girl, you locked down or she's gone. Yeah. So then Venita and Madison joined. They're sort of sitting on a sofa. So if Venita and Madison, Venita sits on the sofa, Madison, sits on a little chair in this area,

and Venetia just asks Madison like what's gonna be her inspiration for the wedding, and Austin's like, marriage is poison! I'm kidding, Leva, married person here, and real smooth Austin. And Madison, Madison's like, you know what, Austin, I have something to pick up on with you about, and it is the following,

take it from here, Ronnie. He's like, oh God, but won't have something to pick a bone with you about, and it is the following. Take it from here, Ronnie. I was like, oh God, don't you have to pick with me, still. I said, nothing bad. It's just that I said hot earlier and if you immediately... What do you care if you and I are cool and not? Why don't you even care about her saying, Jesus, you say not a thing? Well, I was just wondering why you couldn't just say hello. I didn't want you to have me at.

So I was just like, cause there's not any reason for us to talk, Madison. There's no reason. Cause everything you do is like, it's so digging me in Addison. Everything you do is a solid day. Yeah. Yeah, it's like your announcement, like typical Madison fashion,

like the only X that I have is my ex-usman. And it's like, okay. So then Patricia's like, oh, I hear there's some gossip happening. I'm gonna come sit down. Hey, I'm gonna sit down, and then I'm gonna about anyone who walks by to sit down also.

I hope everyone's okay with that because that's what I'm gonna do. It's like Patricia, something is finally happening on your show and you're ruining it on purpose. Who does that? What the hell? So, we need to break this up. So did everyone

have fun at the wedding? Wasn't it fun? Wasn't it silly? Naomi comes in here, not behind Craig, right next to Craig. Sit on Craig's lap. Sit right on Craig's lap. That's what we like to see. Yeah, come on, sit down. So she's like, did that put you in the mood? I did. The wedding was really cute, you know, because I'm just a boy standing in front of an older woman asking her to scoot back a little bit. So that way, Naomi can scoot in a little bit too.

Thanks. And he's looking over at Paige. Like, oh, my God, I I'm gonna get in trouble for this. And she's giving him a look, which looks even more dramatic, because she's done like really dark ruse under her cheekbones to make her look like she's like, you know, to get that look. So she's giving extra soap opera looks today. And don't we hear Austin going, I mean, you just kind of help it.

You just can't help it, right? And then you try to make it seem like it's my fault. Like, I thought you were bigger than that by now. Butterbeams backside. Butterbeams back door, Julie. That's the definition of gaslighting, by the way. It's a definition of gaslighting, which is not at all. Not, but of course, you wouldn't expect him to do that, right? He is not the one who gets to talk about gaslighting, which is not at all. Not, but of course you wouldn't expect him to do that, right?

He is not the one who gets to talk about gaslighting. So then now, when it comes it down, okay, we got a poof over there. You can put your little behind on. Okay, anyone else want to sit down and there's very large circle of people, anyone, anyone. So Madison's like, so how was it with Craig? And then I was like, I mean, weird, because like right now he's like, so how was it with Craig? And they were like, I mean, weird. Cause like right now he's like trying to be normal. But then he thought Page wouldn't like him sitting by me.

So then he like got up. It's like so awkward. I don't want Page to think I'm gonna get with Craig, at least not anymore. Yeah. So now Austin at this point, Austin and Craig have walked away. So Austin and Austin Craig and Page are talking

and Austin's like, God, it's insane. I had to stand at the altar where they're there. And then Olivia brings a day, I'm just like, oh for two. And Paige is like, well, you know, your girls in town. Our girls in town. And he's like, ugh, Sierra.

She goes, mm-hmm. What kind of friend does this by the way? I know. That's what I was thinking. That's what kind of thing is this. You know that if he goes to Seared now, he's just gonna be using Sierra to get back at someone. That's not a real friend, boo.

I agree. I agree. I was also like, you know, you know that they're toxic. So that's not cool too. I'd have Sierra wanted to reach out to Austin. She would have. I think that page actually ultimately was just trying to set Austin up to look like a dick, you know,

but I think it was wrong. And Craig's like, yeah, she's sleeping on my couch. So, and I know Austin, of course, like really? Wow, whoa, and like, I mean Austin's also a fuck Austin too. By the way, he treats Sierra so badly, but then like when it's convenient for him, where he's like when two other people have moved on and he wants to get some booty and he's feeling humiliated. And then he goes back to Sierra. That's not how, no, you don't treat anyone like that. Yeah, and he even says, he's like, well, Sierra's in township, so I wanna hang out

with her tonight because why not? Olivia brought up the date, Lumberjack's chic over there. She kinda's not dressed like a Lumberjack at all. Literally not. Also Austin is standing, what, five feet from the guy? Staring at him, licking the underside of his lip, you know, where he does that like,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, biting his lip, licking, crossing his arms on mad red in the face. Yeah. It's a 415 year old. Oh, you're pathetic, dude. Get it together. Yeah, Chappas like, uh, Austin should really sit down

with a therapist. I mean, to do something purely out of revenge is probably not the right thing to do, right? So, uh, although I feel like I'm sure chef has, uh, many, uh, hypocritic moments with that. It's like, hypocritic oath moments, I should say, it's not hypoc Procredit oath moment, I should say. Not an hypocritic. Some group, I could say, it's a hypocratic. Anyway, so Naomi pulls Craig to chat. Oh, this is weird. I just have to start this by saying,

bad, bad move. She should not have done this. This was so stupid. Why in the world, you know that it's irritating page and it's irritating Craig, why would you ask him to speak in the middle of the party and pull him? You know it's gonna lead to nothing but disaster. You should have pulled page and said,

hey, Paige, I know we don't know each other that well, but can we talk? Look, I know Craig doesn't, is worried. I just want you to know, I'm not after Craig. I hope there's nothing weird. I'm super happy for you guys. I'm really glad you're here. I hope we can get along.

Why does she do that? Why the hell is she pulling Craig bad? The producers probably told her, you should speak to Craig. But I agree. She should have gone to page, you know? So because truth be told, I don't think that page is actually even that, that bothered.

I think she just told, you know, Craig, like you need to have some boundaries. But then Craig is acting super crazy, which I think she just told Craig, like, you need to have some boundaries, but then Craig is acting super crazy, which I think feeds your theory, which is that Craig still has feelings, because if he had feelings, he'd be super self-conscious about those feelings coming out, I think, and which is why he's acting so weird around Naomi,

but I don't think that page is actually even being that, like, she doesn't seem like she's that that she's not being very bitchy about it. She's not being like that. That's just a little like right now. I've seen but the thing is she's only hearing what Craig is telling her, you know, which is that Naomi said everything she did was wrong and she sees how wrong she is now and blah blah. He's making it sound like Naomi, you know, regress everything and still loves him, all of this.

So, you know, Paige probably is feeling like what the hell with this check? Yeah. So, Nanny pulls her and then Madison is like talking to Paige and goes, well, you know, the Xs are always gonna feel a little, you know, and Paige just like they miss out. That's how it goes, okay?

When things are in sale, they're limited quantities only. She goes, well, her last, my game, you know, I would like this how I finish your sentences. We should get married. Sorry, I don't know if you have Amazon, but I'm already getting married. Oh my god, it's Marcy Pregnant. You really need to catch up, girl. Would you like to come on to my Amazon Prime? Day, live,? Special oh my god, it's amazing So let's see so Naomi's like Craig let's chat and he's like oh She's like I can't tell you Craig. We just have to chat so they go chat and she's like it's not a big deal Craig

And he's like what? And they're in a private room, but he keeps looking behind his shoulder. I'm like, what? Yeah. That's really nervous. She's like, why do you feel weird around me? And he's like, it's a respect thing.

Naomi or Naomi. And she's like, well, it's like you still have to understand like how you make somebody feel a crag. I mean, geez. And he's like, we're not, we're not X's. Like, we hooked up recently. Okay. So it's not like we're just X's.

And then he cracks his knuckles. He's like, yeah. Yeah. He's like, I'm not burping today. I'm cracking knuckles. So Naomi is, Naomi's like, well, the problem is that like when you and I are around each other, sometimes you act a certain way. And other times, Naomi, if you're trying to insinuate

that I'd differently around you with my girlfriends here, then when I'm not that, she's like, no, that's not what I'm saying. Well, that's what it sounded like. Can you listen to me, then say it correctly. Like Craig, just let her say what she has to say. Also, the two act totally differently

when you're doing this here. So, you guys like say it correctly. So she's like, well, look, I mean, I think, okay, you remember how like when I was with mature and I thought I couldn't interact with you and he goes, yeah, because you were with someone who was controlling his fuck, ding, ding, that's what she's saying weirdo. Yeah, it should be so weird to see your ex She's like right that's what I'm trying to say and when I was in your position You were never in my position You left a loving relationship to be with a controlling asshole who cheated on you and in the meantime your boyfriend

That loved you for a long long long long long long time up until but not right now moved on So you can never compare the position I'm in with a very loving girl friend with a position you were in. So what would you like to say? Because honestly, Naomi, you don't affect my life anymore. You just don't. And then he storms off. I'm like, that was kind of a dick move.

Okay. She didn't leave you crag for a tool. She left you because you were. She left the loser who lied chronically did nothing all day and stabbed his wall with butterflies, okay? Exactly, okay. The pillow thing was great. It's great that he found success with the pillow thing, but as a boyfriend at that time, you were a shit boyfriend and she got fed up,

so she left. And then after she left, she met a guy who seemed like he was great because he was like a doctor and hot and all this stuff. She didn't leave you for a tool. That's not how that worked. Yeah, I don't know. Another one of them really handled this one too well, but yeah, that was kind of dickish. And then she's just sitting there alone, which yeah, never should have gone to talk to Craig. Yeah. So then he's like, ready page and she's like, and stuck already and then she beats with her soap opera face. Yeah And that's where it ended so a very very exciting a dog wedding on Bravo

Glad that's behind us and thanks everyone for being here have a great weekend We'll be back on Monday with winter is crappening as well as a full week of other recaps So we'll catch you there and talk to you in the next one. Bye everybody! Bye! Watch what crappin' is with like to think it's premium sponsors! Ain't no thing like Allison King. Ashley Savoni, she don't take no baloney!

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