Watch What Crappens - Summer House: The Dick Issue

Episode Date: May 29, 2019

After talking about his dick all season on Summer House, Jordan would appreciate it if we could all stop making his dick an issue. To hear this week's bonus episode catching up with RHOP, Project Runway, What/If, and other fun shows, and to find Crappens on Demand video recaps, become a member over at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. ***New Limited Edition Shirts! "Martini Medicine" merch available at crappensmerch.com! **Crappens Live is coming to Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, Minneapolis, Baltimore and Nashville. Find ticket links at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We love you guys! I've been spread this so much that it's happened. Hello and welcome to Watch What Happens! The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Yo Bros! Our money, Karam. I'm also over on the Rose Pricks Bachelor Rost podcast, which just came out today, so go check it out! And here I am with Mr. Ben Mandelker. Ben creates the Real Housewives of Kitchen Island with cartoons over on YouTube. Howdy, howdy, howdy. We just had some time off.

It was amazing. Oh my God. I really, I cannot believe how much I needed that extra day after weeks of doing the Game of Thrones podcast. It's sort of like added more work. Wasn't that much more work, but having that day off made me realize like, whoo, wow. We were doing a lot of work there, you know?

Yeah, I felt good, it was good. I really felt so much use out of my Sheena bean bag chair. Just loved it. Yeah, everyone, welcome to the show. We are, so for those of you coming to our live shows next week, I guess, right? Yeah, next week, coming to our live shows next week I guess right next week Well, you have Milwaukee Minneapolis next week June 7th and 8th I believe yeah, so the first show in

Milwaukee and sorry, I'm so out of it. We're still have time off and I can hang over weekend hangover It's okay. Everyone's on the same page. We're all everyone's listening with a weekend hangover So in Milwaukee, we're gonna be recording a Southern Charm recap live Milwaukee get your tickets to come over and then in Minneapolis, which is sold out So sorry Minneapolis, but also thank you Minneapolis. We're gonna be doing real housewives of New York City live So everybody we cannot wait to see you. Then after that we're going to be in Ben where are we after that? I don't have my list. We're going to be going to Cleveland on July 25th and then which is my brother's birthday. So we can celebrate my brother there.

And then on the 26th we're going to be in Pittsburgh which is sold out. Thank you Pittsburgh, home of Carl, Jents. And then on the 26 we're gonna be in Baltimore Where I for one I'm gonna seek out some crab All right, and then we have two new so That's the news that's our news wire sound Hello, okay, okay Where I can play the okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, this isn't a new show but in September we're going to be in Nashville and then on November 15th we are going to be in Indianapolis, South of the French square theater and on the 23rd of New York we are

going to be at the grammar see theater in New York City. Yeah it's actually the same week as Bravo Con so it's gonna be a big week for Bravo fans they are in New York City. Yeah, we're gonna have Crappenscon. Screw you, Bravo. We're gonna be part of your scooping BravoCon. Go fuck yourselves. Yeah, Crappenscon is gonna be even better. We're gonna have all the celebrities, but just pretend.

It's gonna be pretend celebrities coming. And of course, we're gonna probably do something really special for Crappenscon, you know, because we gotta get all our All our celebrities in there. Yeah, exactly and by the way for those for Indianapolis and for New York City Those tickets go on sale this Friday May 21st But if you are a patreon supporter, you can actually already get those tickets and New York City always sells out So you want to make sure you want to lock that down. And Grammar City Theatre, we had an amazing time there, so we're so excited to go back

there. Yes. And if you go to watch itcrapins.com and become a Patreon subscriber, you also get our video recap. We do two a week. This week we're going to do Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Real Housewives of New York City. And we've got about 40 videos up.

So go check those out. Also our new limited shirts are out this week. We've got a Southern Charm theme shirt that is medicine. And of course, it's a big picture of a Patricia Martini. And then we're going to resell the Gar Shirts and the Trixi Monaco for a couple of weeks. Oh, guys. Who missed getting your Gar Shirts? Can go get those. And then we have a very special real housewives of Beverly Hills shirt coming soon,

but Canon out at the X. I haven't finished it. Yeah. What do you think about that? So those shirts will go up on sale tomorrow morning. So I think that's all we need to plug, right, man? Yeah, I think we did a great job today. Good God. You know what we need to plug Tom Schwartz's butthole because it's bleeding. Oh my gosh Sorry, I just hit my microphone. Do you hear it when I flick my microphone my accident? I'm sorry Okay, well, I was hoping you would go to the hospital and they would remove Katie Let me talk about butt hurt. How can your butt not hurt when you live with butt hurt? I know I mean I'm surprised it took this long to diagnose. So, I'm just telling you for years. So we're talking about summer house actually and it's

part two of the Vita pump rules, crossover extravaganza. And oh my goodness, I love this episode. I'm loving summer house. I mean, this is crazy. This season may actually be better than season one. I mean, season one was a pretty damn amazing. And I think this one might, it might now be a Clemson again. I don't know. I can't say for sure. Well, it's pretty good.

Well, this one is about a dick. It's about Jordan's dick. Pretty good. It's about it. It's dicks and butts and everything in between. So, yeah. This is almost a season finale. Next week is the season finale,

which is just crazy I mean so much has happened people almost had sex some people did have sex You know that pantry is dirty Yeah, what's happened guys a tacky antique store was kept alive by the good grace of this cast I Know they're gonna probably take that in and get it, try and return it. Yeah. I'll let Neemee leaks. So, you know that Gerald and Philip were like, Well, we gotta turn it in.

After 16 years here in the Hamptons, I think it's time to close up shop. Oh my God. Wait, do you see this? Basic kids from New York City want to buy the damn zebra. We'll stay open. Let's remorage the house the house. I'm taking you to the fancy as Bob at you in the Hamptons now. I started doing this on my bean bag chair taking my notes and no none of you have seen me on a bean bag chair. It's not

really the prettiest thing and the way that the computer sits on my lap is a little awkward. And so these are my first notes. Q5 in 34, QM, QN, EQ, PQT3. It's QwoWel, 5H3. And it goes on like that for about five lines before I realized. That sounds like the algorithm that propelled Jordan to become the number one bachelor on hinge. Yeah, that's the hinge code. That's the code for hinge.

That's how you get it. All I need to do is change one key with that whole site is going to turn purple. So we're back at that dinner with the with the Phantom Pum Brules partial cast there and everything. And they're all arguing about whether or not page led Carl on Etc. And that's when cuz Kyle is one is like oh page is totally letter on and everything and Then everyone's like yelling at Carl and Amanda's yelling and et cetera, it's her and the paper towels catch fire yes, and Stasi's just glad that her extensions are still attacked. Yeah, then Lindsay's like, I need a go to the bathroom. I'll be army.

Yep, that totally made you sound 20 Lindsay. Yeah, keep abbreviating things as the kids do. By the way, when those towels caught on fire I don't think Stasi's ever been more proud. I think that was like she she's like, I have been waiting years to finally carry something and it finally happened. She's like, finally, my soul showed up to dinner. So then Danielle, speaking of soul showing up for dinner, Danielle enters with like a box of pizza. Like, did I miss anything? Like yes, Danielle.

I brought train pizza I'm just looking for that pizza Lipsa down D. I want some D in my pee And then Lindsay comes back with Danielle and she goes guys look who I found when I went to the bathroom That should be like I'm Danielle's tombstone. She was found while I was on the way to the bathroom That should be like I'm Daniel's tombstone. She was found while I was on the way to the bathroom. So then Paige talks to Carl because this is erupted into a huge fight, right? So Carl's like, uh, Paige, you all right, Jen? Yeah, I think there's a deeper thing happening with us Carl that you're not saying because this is crazy. And he's like, oh, Here's what I see. We had 10 weeks together. We have fun. A period. I was like, could you tell

you your tongue? It's a period because it's still hitting your lips. It's still going for a strong semicolon. Not to be disrespectful to Tom Schwartz. So, um, uh, yeah. So then me while Amanda's just totally berating Kyle and Amanda's great. She's like Kyle You can't talk about leading people on when you were sleeping with me, but making out with girls two summers ago It's like Amanda's making our job much easier. I know I love Amanda's self-awareness She's like, please let's not give it to you another reason to bring that up Yeah, and also I'd like to reiterate that page was not leading on Carl. Page explicitly told Carl what he needed to do and he wasn't able to do the most simple

task of all, which is like send a text or call or like make a coffee date in the middle of the week. Yeah. Amanda tries to explain it to Carl, but Carl's wasted. Yeah. And Carl's wasted in this whole show. And listen, I love being some wastey-basedy. Yeah. And Amanda tries to explain it to Kyle, but Kyle's wasted. Yeah, and Kyle's wasted in this whole show. And listen, I love being some wasting basting. I love it. I love basting and wasting.

Yeah. But girl, you can't tell your girlfriend that the only reason you cheat on her is because you get blackout drunk. And then get blackout drunk like every day. I think you think that if he's blackout drunk around her, it's gonna be okay. I mean, I don't want him to stop being blackout drunk because I think it's very important for my reality stars

to like not sober up. I'm sorry, Luan and other people who actually need it. But I think if you're out of reality TV, I want you to stay drunk, unfortunately. So I don't want to see you become sober. Congratulations, you're gonna get your wish. Yeah, I'm like, I don't want them to sober up because then Sober Kyle is not newly as entertaining and I know these are terrible messages to send to someone who probably needs to sober up

But as a viewer this is what I grapple with okay, it's one of the complexities of reality TV But anyway, he is like you said he's wasted this entire episode and he's now in the kitchen and And Kyle's like well, I think that page is leading Carl on and, you know, I'm talking about their situation and suddenly it's about us and that Amanda is just basically like, yeah, because I'm telling you to shut up in your drunk and you're still talking Kyle. You're still talking Kyle. Yeah, he's like, are you Kuku now?

Tell me, because that's like my favorite word. She's like, yes Kyle and Kuku now, okay. And Carl comes in, he's like, J-E-N-T. She's like, oh, the shut up Kyle. And then Tom comes, Tom's listening to them fight and he's like, gosh, you remind me of us. Yeah. Don't we have a green relationship, Baba?

So Kyle's like, I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize this. Nothing, I would do nothing to jeopardize this. And then it takes like five more shots. Yeah. So then outside, the group is like talking about drinking and like the, the Sir people are like, whoa, you guys like drink way harder than we do. Like we drink consistently throughout the week,

but the New Yorker's like New Yorkers wait till the weekend, and Bo was like, yeah, all that booze makes it hard to get it up. And then Lindsay's like, um, funny, you should see that, because this guy, Jordan, is having a hard time getting it up. And he's like, uh, not now.

Now I got Viagra. Anybody wants a Viagra? Cause I got some. It's been nuts. And by nuts, I mean nuts and peen. Get it, everyone? It worked so well. The other day, the other day, I took two Viagra.

I had such a heart on. I started playing tennis with it. I was out on the courts and I actually beat former nationally ranked Hannah in tennis with my boner. It was amazing. It was like a Wii sports band. Tashed my wrist the whole time. Crazy stuff. Crazy. My boner got so big, it grew so tall. It got detached from my body. It started walking through cities and destroying them. And then it came up against Godzilla. And they had a big fight. And now they've made a movie about it coming out this

weekend. It's amazing. My penis got so hard that it got a metal fight and now they've made a movie about it coming out this weekend. It's amazing. My penis got so hard that it got a metal suit and started shooting bad guys. Robert Downey Jr. is playing my penis in the movies, so. My penis got so hard it actually went into an office building and saved a bunch of people from in this office building from a bunch of German terrorists. And then it said, Ho Ho Ho Motherfucker, which I thought was very witty of my very hard penis. I mean, it put the hard and die hard. Am I right guys? So they're like, Oh, you can't get it up.

And Hannah, for whatever reason, this drinkers Hannah. This is like the last straw for Hannah. She's like, he's on Gold Summer and now Viagra is like he's feeding an addiction and he needs an invention. That is. So, I mean, because it is ridiculous that he would say that. Like, he's like, I've been having trouble getting it up. And so then after, I mean, if you're going to take the Viagra now, I mean, I just, it's like, why wouldn't you have taken the Viagra before if this was truly what was afflicting you

But anyway, so now everyone's doing Jello shots in the kitchen It's like hey Jello shots and like is Carl okay I said check you in to see if Carl is okay. I don't know why I wrote that to someone go Hey, Carl, are you okay because I can imagine that happening as a as a full-fledged scene What I was checking in on everyone I'm at this how I feel about that. You know, there was a period of time when I just absolutely loved Will Ferrell, but I agree I don't feel like Will Ferrell is really the strongest shot toast Fraze-cointer. Yeah, like you're an author now maybe like John Diddy-O

There you go. Hey, I didn't even settle for a Sydney Shelton How about a Janet Devonovich? Okay. As Janet Devonovich wrote, we're sugrafting, essence of shout. In the words of Janet Devonovich, let's et for fuck things up. So, that was the sum of Beatriz joke, everybody.

I thought that was more of a sugrafting reference. Oh, it was. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, Janet of Vanovic is summer reads. Yeah, Janet of Vanovic is more of like a, um, isn't she like six for the safety or something? Oh, she's the numbers one. She's the numbers one. Yeah. Oh, okay. See, I get my numbers and my letters confused. She want me to read my beginning notes again. I mean, that's what Summer House is all about. Not getting your numbers in letters correct. So anyway, we learn here that Tom Schwartz

has been shitting for two weeks ever since the Vanimper rules trip to Mexico. No surprise there. Because we all saw them drinking water with a, you know, from the tap, I feel like. So now Hannah pulls Jordan to side. She's like, Jordan, come over here. So she pulls Jordan over outside.

And she's like, Jordan, as a Nash former, Nash Lee ranked tennis player, who's so, Richard! You obvious, I can tell that you obviously have trouble opening up to people. And I just, I love you, and I don't know your true side. Okay, like the real Jordan is who I love. And the real Jordan isn't

trying to impress anyone and talk about how many girls he hooks up with. Okay? I'm your girl. I'm your girl now. Be honest with me. But Hannah, we're almost done with the whole summer. And why didn't you bring this up before? She's like, oh, is that what this is about? That's not what it's about. It's not when I brought it up, okay? It's about you lying, okay? I was like, but when did I lie? Name one time that I lie. Just name one. She's like, uh.

Yeah, she's like, you said you had a threesome, you said you almost like I'm a hooker, you said you had a rectile dysfunction, you said that you actually built that tennis court. I don't even understand that lie. It seems like such a low stakes lie. You gotta lie bullshit. I'm like, and now you're saying you're taking Viagra.

How do you know you can't get it up if you haven't even tried to be with the girl this whole summer? And he goes, but you swit myself, Hannah. It's with myself. She just know. She's like, gotcha. It's like her big gotcha moment.

It's like, no, you said that you have no problem doing it by yourself. I'm over it! And then she gets up and she's like furious now and he's like stop making my dick an issue stop talking about my dick and he's screaming it so everyone in the house I think Tom Tom goes is that real? And he's like, So I'm talking about my dick right! It's like just being so frittin' to me, you're not frittin' at all! Love, my bannings.

It's really like a perfect sort of like, almost call back to Christian on Vennifant Bruegel saying, So could dick Diana? You know, it's like a nice, like, it's like the resolution of that. Stop making my dick an issue. Also, by the way when when Hannah was like I want I just want to know the real you and Jordan was like I just want to know why you haven't brought this to me before I'm like it's such a corporate response, you know like like why didn't you like file these issues with with my HR before

Yeah, it's like a weird cold and like Unfueling response to that, you know, I'd love to believe your story, but unfortunately, I need written evidence. What I'm going to need you to do is sign this form and submit it via the online drop box. Thank you so much. So then the kitchen hammers all happy. She's like, oh, I just yelled. And Carl's like, yeah, do it again. Yeah, just keep. Yeah, just keep yelling and Carl is now shirtless for no reason by the way He just decided he's like well dinner's over. I'll take my shirt off

Because why not we take my shirt off as you as one does as one does when you've been let on you take your shirt off Because you think there's something's gonna happen in the pantry But I guess not because I'm a wounded soul and I'm just working on me and it's the summer Friday, you know? Yeah, so when the kids and the guys are talking, Kyle's like, oh yeah, so there's Jordan, he's having erectile dysfunction and Tom goes, boomer, because he totally understands, you know. Yep, he's like, did he marry his?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He marry his. So then Hannah and Paige are hanging out and Hannah is like, I just confronted him and I'm like, what am I? So what do I do? And Paige is like, what do you do? Don't make a thick of an issue. So Jordan's like, honestly, you, it's been the driest summer of my life, but who knew talking about ED would put my dick in so many mouths? Shut up Jordan. So gross Jordan just be quiet. Yeah, I know So yeah, so now like Lindsay's gossiping about this whole argument to all the other girls and now Jordan and Hannah are like Confronting each other again in the kitchen and Jordan's like,

Hannah, I'm not making shit up. I just can't get it up. I actually took too much Viagra and what they've discovered through my body is that when you take too much Viagra, your rectal dysfunction, it gets hard and then it reverses itself and now I have permanent dysfunction. Thanks, all the Viagra I took. It's like that makes no sense.

It's like your shit is all over the place and everyone feels that way. And he's like, I feel like you can talk to me and not scream at me in front of everyone because that didn't feel good. And it's like, I'm gonna talk to you because I like you, okay? And if I didn't care, I would stop talking to you.

Yeah. This is the most immature fight and I'm living for it. Like I wish this fight went on for like 20 episodes. Yeah, he's like, you need to bring these issues up when you have the issues. And we can address that by looking at your CPMs and figuring out how many impressions you wish to get by approaching me about your concerns.

Hmm. So Jordan's like, Jordan goes to the guys in the kitchen. He's like, so boys, I've got Viagra anyone want to take one? Kyle's like, I'll do it. Kyle since Kyle, we've seen on this show that Kyle last less than a minute in bed. Kyle would actually be a good candidate. Yeah, because it's not only forgetting that it's for keeping it up for longer than you know an egg timer Yeah

So so then Justin texts pages like come to the or calls I was like busy. She's like come to the boat come to the boat and page is like looking at Carl and Kyle And she's like to be completely honest. I'm annoyed. I'm going about. Bye. And then Kyle's being out on the front lawn on the front bush. And then everybody parties in the kitchen, we get everybody dancing around the kitchen while Stasi texts. So I would imagine it's like every party that Stasi's at. Yeah. Yeah, you know why we would probably be friends.

I'd probably just see you in the kitchen like dancing. Am I right? You know, I wonder if the reason why they dance is because when I was so lucky enough to go to the summer house two years ago Like when production was sort of like taking a break. They like blasted techno through the house I don't know. It was like it was like okay, you guys get to listen to tech. I don't know It was like I don't remember why I don't know if it's because the cast wanted to hear techno or because it was something with I don't know what it was but like maybe that's what was happening. Maybe techno is getting blasted through the house. When the techno comes on, they start dancing. Oh, maybe because they can't play music in the

house because they probably would have royalty issues or something. Yeah, or they could just be hanging out having fun. But I don't know. I just thought about that as a really uninteresting theory. Oh, so there it goes. So production was on break. That's why it's all done with the fast forward. That's why every time they're dancing, you see the cameras in the house. Yeah. The ring cameras.

Yeah. Oh, another insider. Insider term. A ring count. That's not an insider term. I want a ring camera so bad by the way. Oh, you mean the ones from the door? Yeah.

Oh, I thought ring camera meant like the ones that were like, mount like the security. Yeah, those are ring lights. But I want to ring camera because those are amazing. I watch ring camera videos on nextdoor.com all the time. I was like, look, somebody came up to my door. They might be homeless. Yeah, it's really fun. Someone in my building installed a ring camera

on their apartment door and I was like, that's odd because I don't know, I just, I mean I get it, but it just feels weird that there's like a random, it doesn't matter. It is, because now it's like someone's spying on you. They can see everything happening in the hall. I got one for Christmas and I was like, no, I don't want this and I returned it.

But now I really want one. Wow. Well, you know what, you know what? A wise woman once sang, the ring didn't mean a thing. You know what? Weren't those the days? Yeah.

So anyway, Hannah's on the phone with Dave, and she's like, yeah, you know what? Like, I have to say, like he's calling me all the way from London because he misses me and I don't doubt the decision I made to be exclusive with Dave. I'm like, great great no one ever cared Let's move on I also love that it really is that simple. It's like call somebody. Yeah, I'm just saying you like true

You know call the very I mean they're very sweet. Yeah, they're very sweet I'm very happy for them and he seems like a great guy, but like I don't think anyone has of all the story lines happening this summer That's the one I think we've been the least interested in is their burgeoning romance. Oh wait maybe the one that I'm even less interested in is Danielle and Max. Oh yeah I thirsty Max. I wonder how that's going. Or Danielle and the L.I.W.R. maybe that's the least interesting one. I'm on the train again. Work, am I right? Power point, am I right? So Dan, uh, Dan Linden bed. Okay, so Lindsay's like, um, Paymom, what the fuck, son? Daniel's like, what do you want from him? Okay?

I think you're looking for something that's not gonna be there. I'm like, um, here's friend number two. Thank Paymom, is the guy for me. Um, maybe Paymom was just meant to be a rebound from Here's friend number two. Thank me mom is the guy for me Maybe I'm on was just meant to be a rebound from his name shall not be spoken over I promise I won't ever say his name again so I can move over Yeah, by the way By the way rebound from ever it like bitch you broke up with him two years ago I legend like how are you still talking about rebounds? I mean, I know they're still like fucking but like

Like you're still in the rebound phase after you officially broken up Let it go. Let it go. It's so cold. I forgot last night's song. It's so cold. It's doing my favorite Kyle thing, which is waking up in the middle of the night to binge. Yeah. To drunk binge. And he's just in the kitchen talking to himself.

He's like, fuck yo and your baby's mama. Cool story, bra. Cool story. Well, he binges. And Lindsay comes in and catches him and just watches him. Yeah. He's like cookie. Yo, cookie. Turn that down. Cookie. Yo. And then he finally knows his lensey's like busted. So the next song goes like this. I was like a strictly monocle pregnant.

I was like a Strixie Monaco pregnant. That's the sound of my womb. So it's my ultrasound. I was really sad. I'm a baby, baby, baby. Baba. Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba. I'm beatboxing, actually. I'm experimenting, I'm mending.

Okay. I'm ready for this one. Okay, Paul, just press record. We're just gonna see what this goes. Okay. Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba Okay Paul, just press record. We're just gonna see what this goes. Okay? Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, so the key of even.

The key of even. You know, I was really upset that I did not have to hear my favorite summer house, Trixie Song, which is, we're the big shots now. We're the big shots now. We're the big shots now. We're the big shots now. Maybe next week. Yeah, we didn't get any weekday stuff this week.

I didn't like that. And so it's the next morning, a Jordan's in the pool alone, which now I think is like a nice, a nice way to frame his whole existence on the show. And Tom and Katie are in their bedroom. And Tom's like, my bus been ravaged. Maybe it got infected, Baba. And she's like, yeah, I don't know about that.

He's like, what is bleeding? She's like, uh, that's not good. Okay. So then page comes home in the morning. Carl sees her and he's, and they're both embarrassed. She's embarrassed because she got caught on the walk of shame. And he's embarrassed because he's holding up a giant roll of toilet paper. He's like, hey Carl. He's like, ah, hey page, that was a nice sneakety to their great work. Sourid is for the page sneaks. That before. So then page and page, let's see, page is just basically like, I could really get used

to waking up on yachts. Or as I call them, things that Carl can never afford. I could go to sleep on a month long fastpass for the subway. I mean, to be fair, I mean, I could, I could sleep at a super sized value meal at McDonald's, honestly. So Kyle is already drinking. It's the morning. And a man is like, Kyle, you didn't eat breakfast. He's like, babe, trust the process. Okay. And the process is I'm gonna get blackout drunk, yell at you, make out with someone else, possibly cry afterwards. Yeah, sob on the island.

Get many chicks. It's time for commercial. It's time for a crap-and-scommercial. Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday's parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest and insightful take on parenting.

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feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. So, uh, Carl's like, oh, cheers, I got a text. Oh yeah. I got a text, cheers, Jens. Oh, is this because, so this is because the gang is now going to the beach, right? Yeah, so they're gonna go have like, fun day. We're doing Boy's Car.

Don't miss us too much. Boy's Car. Boy's Car. Yeah. Boy's Car over here. Yeah, a lot of penises in this car. Yeah. Boy's Car.

Girl's Car. I don't know what Carl says shit like that. I don't know. It's like a combination of my like, I laugh and I roll my eyes. I don't even know how to like feel I just am like Carl. He's got a certain And also you know that it's gonna be a t-shirt tomorrow, you know He's gonna like go get some iron on letters from the hobby lobby and he's gonna have a t-shirt that says boys car

But then B's gonna fall out so to say always car Just really working hard on making my t-shirts better right now. Handily enough, it fell off in Brooklyn, so it still got laid. Still got laid. Yes, the guys are in their car, and Carl is basically really excited because he got laid last weekend at the wedding. Basically, they're joking like, yeah, if Carl finally got to lay some pipe and Bose like, well, you better

watch out from that girl from last night. And Tom Schwartz goes, Yeah, I think they're on the same page. And just cuts the all the guys laugh and just cuts the page and the other car. And she's just sitting there like, I heard that. Yeah, I felt that not finding already. That's like, I already used that joke actually earlier this season. but yes, yeah, oh wow You're so original using my name as a pun with actual word page. Oh congratulations So it's the girl card and the girl car Katie's like are you in the car? I'm just like I like him, but he hasn't shown me anything

Weekdays would be nice and then the voice car both like uh why are you guys both but hurt and car goes you guys should just fuck yeah, but that's the thing like She told me a couple of times. I want fuck you and carl's like what yeah and Carl Carl then says that page gave her gave him a lap dance with no underwear on. So they're like, whoa. This is why we don't have boys cars, by the way. This is why we do not have boys cars. Yeah, traveling little assault cars. That's the color. So, uh, two's like, um, they were like, you and they were so mad that you insinuated that she wanted you and now this

It's like they have their own Scooby-Doo mystery And it's like to it's just so funny because the guys are getting so worked up and Carl's getting so worked up But when just watch it's just like it's so obvious. It's like no Carl She was she wanted you to she maybe said that she wanted to fuck fuck her But that was probably when she also was like but also also I would like you to, but before you can fuck me though, you have to actually prove that you're not just a fuckboy. And like text me, not just take me out for a pancake. So over at brunch and a pancake, she's like, I'll have the short stack. Oh, no, she won't. James, she will have one pancake.

I'll have the, do you have any silver dollar pancakes? And are they each, they each cost a dollar or is there some sort of buy one, get one free situation? Do you have a dollar bill pancake? That's not bad. Is today 10 cent pancake day by any chance? No. So then we go to drinking. They're all having like drinking a branch and Jordan's like, I'll do the summer fling, please. I need one. Hmm. I'm so laughing about Carl on a pancake date trying to like, nickel and dime some pancakes

Yeah, he's like how much is syrup that free to they come with pancake now they come with pancakes But if I don't order pancakes do I still get syrup the answer? Oh, is there any way to get an antimimma on the phone? Who's am is she exactly is she hot? Who's Aunt is she exactly is she hot? Does she have a daughter so log cabin tell me more about this now this Antrimima no uncle Ben is as log cabin is that like a time share situation Do I have to buy the entire log cabin in order to get to syrup all right is Antrimima dating anyone who is Jimmy Dean in this situation

and are they serious? Ah, Mrs. Butterworth, like I love her. She's like my mom, I love her. Does she know how much I love her? Do you think she'll give me some $3 off on her next syrup? Or they're like, Sarah, are you going to order? All right, I will have a fork. I will have a tall stack of your ice water. Please. Thank you So the gang asked Jordan. They're like so what how was your date with that you know Cat-eyed pageant lady from last week and And she was like, oh, it was interesting. I was trying to get nowhere like, hey, I'm pouring my heart out here, okay? I'm looking for someone to bring home the family.

And I'm like, what? You know that it was like one of those like Liz Lemmon moments where he was like, listen, I said to her, and you know that everyone was like, please say you didn't say you want to bring her home to your family, please say it today. He's like, I want to, looking for know that everyone was like, please say you didn't say you want to bring her home to my family Please say to them. He's like, I want to look for someone to bring home to my family. They're like, oh They're like why Jordan why? He's like listen, I said here the boxes I want to check to find somebody, you know

I want a girl who's beautiful a girl who goes to church a girl who can deal deal with the fact that I now have the most amazing bonus thanks to Viagra. And then they get a look at Katie's face and Katie is horrified. Katie has never heard of the idea of having like boxes to check. I mean, she married Tom. Yeah, she is used to like snack boxes. Oh, that was so mean of me. I should not have said that. I'm sorry, I apologize, I apologize. So it's funny though, I did write the girls all have Katie face. Yeah. They all were like, mm. Mm.

Mm. Yeah. They're just trying to figure this guy out. Estasticus, look. On a first date, a girl's trying to figure out if she wants to bang that dude or not, okay? And Carl's like, oh, was she into it? No, and she told me that right away. And Carl's like, uh, was she into it? No, and she told me that right away.

And Carl's like, wow, you know what? Sharing that with us that you caught feels new blue it, that was big of you, bro. That was huge. And Carl's like, yeah, quick question though. How many pancakes did you get for her? Just wanna know what the norm is. Were you able to convince her that ice melting

into a shape of a pancake, meant that it was an actual pancake that you were paying for? Did were you able to convince her that the plate was a pancake in and of itself? Have you ever eaten a styrofoam box at a pancake place? I Have a question. Did you actually mind eating a pancake and you you know, like nod like, yeah, this is really good. In an effort to convince her, you would actually eat a giant stack of pancakes. So I like that this counted as character development

for Jordan because he told like a very simple story basically, yeah, you know, I was like, you know, I was like very intern. I said I wanted to bring her home to mom and I wanted to marry her and we could wake up on Sundays and go to church but we had my laptop and she wasn't into it. And they're like, wow. Jordan told a pretty true sounding story.

Wow, good for him. Well, you had to because it was on camera. He lies about stuff that's off camera. So he's like, can you guess how better to tell him? Get ahead of this story. So, he was like, oh, yes, what what we're all laughing This is good so earlier I got to one of the buzz for insinuating the page was leading Carl on and You didn't get it wasn't insinuated you literally said that okay?

Okay, he's like, well I didn't even have knowledge. He's been doing this game. Hahaha. He's like, I have newfound knowledge and Carl's like, Kyle. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. Ex-Nate on the end-cake pace, okay? Kyle, stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

He's like, uh, pay is a love you, but you've definitely said multiple times that I want to fuck you. Kyle, Kyle, come on. Come on. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle,. Do it, Carl. Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl. I got close to that, so I grinding on his dick saying, fuck me. I never said that, okay? You cheated on your girlfriend.

I could have said, break up with him, Amanda. What'll lose her, Amanda? He's four feet tall, Amanda, but I didn't. And I'm like, oh, really? So you're telling me you didn't say it? It's like, yes. Well, I didn't say it. And if I did, I was five-decalus deep in some club.

Yeah. If I never said that, and if I did, I was five-decalus in and whatever. I'm like, so that actually. I love that. I love that she's basically, I never said it. And then I may have said it, like in the same sentence. And she's like, but whatever. Yeah.

Well, like you said earlier. See, yeah, I don't care if she said it. She gave him the roadmap and he didn't follow it. So there you go. Exactly. Just because you see a map of Disneyland doesn't mean you automatically go on the Matterhorn. You have to walk through the park. You have to pay the ticket price.

It's a very specific analogy. And then you get to ride the Matterhorn. There are certain stats people. I think Carl thought he had a fast pass. That's the problem. He's like, hey, Jens, I think I got a fast pass. I could just go into Matterhorn. It's like Carl, that's actually a coupon for the Sizzler.

Oh, oh, hey, oh, you can't sell a bar. I'm down with that too. No, Carlito. So Carl's like, I'm gonna take a walk. I'm gonna take a walk, because I'm in my feeling because I'm emotional. It's a new Carl 3.0. I'm gonna take a walk. I'm gonna take a walk because I'm I'm in my feeling some emotional It's a new call call 3.0. I'm gonna take a walk and Stasi is hiding her face by the way, which is hilarious Yeah, I love that the van from gas is so mortified. No

Also, Lindsay her spray tan is Totally out of control. We have to mention this. I mean she literally look like a carrot sitting there in a sun hat Well, poor thing has been having some splotches. She's, I'm not sure what's going on, but she has like a lot of neck splotches. And so she has like, uh, she has like, her face is proof face. She's had yellow face and then like a splotch neck. And then we made fun of that. And then it's like, to poor girl, she's trying, you know, but every week is something. It's like when you try and cover something up But you keep covering it with worse things. Yeah, I know. It's called me getting dressed So

So Amanda is like she's now yelling at Kyle. She's like, she basically is like, I asked you last night, like, Kyle. Kyle, look, I don't even know what they're talking about. She's basically like, shut the fuck up, Kyle. She's like, Kyle. Kyle, look at me. He's still fighting with Paige. She's like, I don't want this. You brought this on yourself.

He's like, you're denying it because you're in public. It's cool. It's cool. And she's like, I'm mad. And she's like, Kyle. Kyle. And Paige is like, I'm starting and leading she's like, Kyle! Kyle and I'm mad! And Paige is like, I'm starting and leading on our two different things, which is true.

And of course it's such bullshit that, you know, Carl is allowed to flirt with everything under the sun, like, oh you look great today. By the way, I kind of say, you look wonderful. And that's like not considered leading on, but like a moment a woman does that, and a man feels like he doesn't get what he thinks is entitled to, then becomes leading on like some vicious trap like shut the fuck up Carl and Kyle. Yeah well to be fair and then you get Carl's it for that stuff too. What do you say?

They do give Carl's it for that too because member Carl's whole last season was this isn't serious it's just for summer and then the twin would be like yeah it's just for summer Carl's it's just for summer I'm then the twin would be like, Yeah, it's just for summer, girl. Just for summer, I'm like, I'm a single one. I can do whatever I want, girl. I don't want to call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call since we uttered this name is Carl Carl Carl. Carl. His first name is Carl and his middle name is Carl Carl. But yeah, no it's true though. But Carl's not really giving page shit for this. I mean, not to her face anyway. I guess he is with the other guys.

But Carl's like, you know, people are mad at Carl, but he went too far. But there's more to this spiral than people understand He's freaking out about proposing and look that's the most intense thing a male will ever do in his entire life I'm like, oh my god. Wait until you have a job Wait until you learn about ordering three pancakes Whoa, you can get three that That's like, that's epic, bro. Oh my god, it's so steep. You know what that really means? The most intense thing a male will ever do in his life, especially a fuck boy, is age. Because none of these guys are wanting to get married because they're just really in love and really feeling it. They're

wanting to get married because they can't get fucked as much as they used to. I mean, it's no coincidence. It's like it takes jacks to at least 40. It takes Carl until whatever age he is now. It takes Kyle, you know, so like I can't get fucked as much. Guess it's time to get a hot chick while I still can. And tie her down. Yeah. That's a, I never thought of it that way, but that's actually a really good. Yeah. Good way. Oh, yeah, we're giving up so much. No, it gave you up. Yeah. I mean, so Carl is trying to like smooth everything over now and he's like It's like page not bitch and I good no page bitch. I'm good right right summer for the carls

I'm like I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what to do And Amanda's like I don't want me a part this. You need to drink some water, Kyle. And he's like, oh yeah, I can speak in too much. And Katie's like, try to give Kyle advice. She's like, you know what you have to do? You have to recognize that you disagree. And that's okay. And just make sure it doesn't become a fight.

And then you can have a wonderful marriage. Well, I sit like, like we have, like just sitting here. I sit here and I'm open Tom bleeds out of his ass. I mean if you really want to make her happy make a trail of bugles from the beach. I would like a trail of you to a pot of Doritos. Okay that's real. really like that too. So then giving romantic advice is fucking hilarious. Yeah. Do I need to show you clips?

Even the most recent clips of you from the reunion, giving your husband death stairs, as he like paddled around trying to convince everybody how I love what you were. Hey, what a bitch you weren't. I mean, where's Katie's compassion? Okay, where's the compassion for Katie? Okay. So now the guys, everyone decides they're going to do some water sports. And Katie, Stasi and Lindsay are just going to lie down in the cabana because they're

kind of like, um, why are we doing water sports? A, we're dressed up for like drinking, not in the water and be we are not in California So why are you trying to do California things? So let's just lie here So Carl gets on what is it a paddle board? And you know where you're standing and like paddling and they're like good job coming down Go Carlie down. He's like guys jets. This is great. Yeah. Oh, I'm crashing. I'm crashing guys. I'm crashing Oh, I'm worried bro your hair looks sick I'm living out my career path. Oh no, I'm crashing. I'm crashing. Guys, I'm crashing. Uh oh. I'm worried bro, your hair looks sick. I'm living out my career path. Oh no, I'm crashing.

She just falls in the water. And Katie's like, should we cheer? I mean, I just like sitting here spectating. That's why I'm gonna be a good mom. The stuff is like, yeah, she's thinking of being a mom, but you know, it's really stressful me out because I wanted to be pregnant at the same time as Katie. Oh my God. Please, please, don't do that to the belly.

Yeah, no, for humanity. So then, now Paige is kayaking, which sort of surprised me. And she has these sunglasses on. I don't know how you describe those sunglasses, but they can't eye. I don't know what they are. But they're very much exactly what you'd imagine Page would put on to go kayaking, which is like a little bit too elegant for a kayak and she's like, you know, she's like paddling listlessly and Jordan's like, page, that's the most work I've seen you do all summer. She goes, go fuck yourself Jordan. It's like if I could fuck myself, I'd be home fucking myself. I wouldn't be here with you. She's like, no, actually, no.

Just stop. Just stop. I'm like, I hate you. I'm just going to paddle over to the starfish and talk to it. So then a man is like, so a man is like, come on Kyle, don't drink. And he's like, ooh. And then he goes, what is Carl doing?

And Kyle has crashed his kayak into the island to a garage. Get sand bars, something. It's like a terrible version of Titanic. Yes. The white tannic, and he gets off. The white tannic, he gets off. And he's like, whaaat?

He's like, I'm on an island, I'm on an island. And then he lays down to start sobbing. And then it's like, home, I'll go over to him because to my knowledge, he's not lied to me this summer. So I will be going over there. She gets there, he's already drawn like a smiley face on his lover boy, Ken. My only friend. All it does is tell me how much money I owe it.

Uh. So a man is like sitting on the shore, just watching Kyle, and he's like, um, how can you yell at me and then go over there and cry? This is like the drama that's happening in this ridiculous like wine afternoon is so ridiculous. I mean, it's like all she wants to do is go get it. And it's like yeah, buddy. Yeah, she's like batting him. And then Paige is mocking him. She's like, like, I love her.

It calls like, I have a man to mad at me for what? Like, I want a marryer and I'm ruining it. And Hannah's just like, well, I don't really know how to come for you, but let me start by saying, I was a nationally ranked tennis champion. Does that make you feel better? It's your dad too hard on you. The fun for his question. It's like I'm giving up.

Look, if you give up, you are grounded for three weeks with no cable or a phone young lady. He's like, wheeeee! All I could think about the entire time as well, they were sitting there. I'm like, they're gonna get so many tick bites. They're just sitting there in tall grass

in Long Island. That's just tick central. Come on people. Come on guys. Does anyone do a tick check on this show? I don't think so. I think when you're a human, you pretty much know. Hmm. Oh, you mean a tick check on this show? I don't think so. I think when you're a human you pretty much know Hmm. Oh you mean a tick check like checking out the land around you to see if there's ticks

No, a tick check is like when you basically like come out of the grass or the woods You look around your body to see if there any ticks on you Yeah, yeah, you yeah, you should do that definitely this is that's terrifying I'm scared you know what I started thinking about? Because a tie-forged fever is breaking out in Los Angeles, did you know? What? And it's like going through the homeless population because there's all these tent cities and all this stuff.

And there's like, no, there's no one helping. And they're saying that Dr. Drew, and I heard this from a neighbor, not Dr. Drew, so I'm sorry if I'm miscoding. But Dr. Drew apparently was saying that tie-forged fever is going to be spreading through the rats and then the fleas that bite the rats are going to have typhoid fever. Well, I have a dog, so of course I'm like, what if he gets fleas that I get typhoid fever and then I die? I thought typhoid fever, I could be wrong. This came from me

spending a good 25 minutes a few months ago reading the Wikipedia page for typhoid Mary. I thought that typhoid fever was really spread by like like when you've like not washed your hands and your cooking food Things like that and so vanilla I Think well, I think it could excuse me. I think it'd be several different diseases are transmitted that way But I thought that's how that's because that's how typhoid Mary If I remember correctly typhoid Mary was this crazy bitch who for some reason she had a mutation that made her immune from having typhoid fever and so she would

She was like employed as like a personal chef and like in these in these homes and she would cook for these people and then she would give them typhoid fever and they would like get sick or die or something and then she would like get fired and then start working for someone else and do it like she had to do it family after family and they were like hey you kids you have to stop doing this you have typhoid and you're like passing it and she's like I do not she's like I actually do not have typhoid fever because I think she was Irish. And she like insisted on still working for these people, for different people.

Really? kept getting sick. And then they finally like, like took her out of the general population and isolated her. And she was like fucked up. I know I'm totally batterizing the story, but that is generally the arc of it,

which is that she Made a lot of people sick because she had the the ability to like not be sick by time She was a beauty God, what an asshole. That's so like people even with the cold Yeah, she was when you're around somebody else with the cold chick. Oh my god. Do not cough on me But then would you have a cold just like Not erupting all over the place, like not even caring.

Yeah, okay, this is just the brief abstract that's on her Wikipedia page, okay. She was an Irish-American cook. She was the first person in the United States identified as an asymptomatic carrier of the pathogen associated with typhoid fever. And she was presumed to have infected 51 people, three of whom died, over the course of her career as a cook, and she was twice forcibly

isolated by public health authorities and died after a total of nearly three decades in isolation. This crazy bitch, she was made for bravo, she was like the Ramona singer of her time, because you know Ramona would be like, look, I have to cook with my hands, I can't wash with my hands I can't wash my hands I can't feel the food okay. I'm sure you got typhoid okay but you have to cook. Oh my god. I'm just to you. Just for anybody wondering. Yes there's an epidemic of typhoid in Los Angeles and it says here on NBC News. Infection happens the official source of the outbreak

is said to be fleas from domestic and wild animals. So there you go. Be careful out there, everybody. Don't hire a cook with fleas. That's what we're saying. OK. Well, that was a fun little, that was great. That was educational.

That was educational. I've never knew that story. Yeah, and it's totally appropriate for summer house because you know They will all get typhoid fever at some point. I should do that on bravo and half Kelly Benzumon player I Know like a period a period drama. She could be like a little bonnet and Typhoid Kelly and you can have like this like Emmy moment, which is like but I have to cook I have to cook for the children.

Bye. She's running down a dirt road and stopping the wagon traffic. She's running to get her groceries to cook for another family. And there's like at some point Bethany Frankel is like the health official. Like you have to stop cooking. You have to stop cooking.

You're hunting people. You're hunting people. I'm not a chef. I'm just a cook, not a chef. I'm scared. Stop cooking you have to stop cooking your hunting people your hunting people I'm scared I'm scared it's scary here. It's scary. It's like it's strange. It's weird. It's weird I have to cook I have to cook for the children So back on caros island. He's still sobbing to try for a deeper and Hannah's like I'm gonna wash my hands. I don't want to catch this. Yeah, so then back in the house Katie's like I'm gonna go my hands, I don't wanna catch this. Yeah. So then back in the house, Katie's like,

I'm gonna go lay down on my stomach. Great, perfect way to spend an afternoon and evening in the Hamptons. So now it's like frallicking, frallicking, frallicking. And we find out that this girl, Kirsten, who Carl took to the wedding, she is, like, she's coming to the house. And in fact, we've actually met her before in previous seat, like, season one or something like that,

but of course we didn't remember. So she's coming to the house and Lindsay's like, um, well, like, we've known Kristen for a while. And like, Carl has never shown interest in her before. Sort of like, ever who hasn't, like, texted me in like three days. And I'm like, what are you? Like the new Kristen? What's going on like three days and I'm like what are you like the new Kirsten? What's going on? I'm scabbing all so then Kirsten comes Kirsten comes and Carl is upstairs putting on his best white jeans

Does that guy wear anything else? It's like white and at this point they're not even jeans. They're jackings. Yeah They're basically two very tall socks. He's like, well, I didn't want to buy new pants. So, uh, as mom to serve me some tube socks into some pants. And here we go, bros. He's like, hey, cursed it. Have you seen my room before? Come on. And then he, they bang in the closet, which the production calls the upstairs pantry. Oh, funny girls' closet aka the upstairs pantry. So that pizza comes, everyone's kind of coming home, getting ready for the night. And Danielle's like, oh my god is that pizza? Yeah, reminds me of my great times on the train.

Have I talked about that lately? No, Danielle. So then Danielle's like, do you know Kristen, Coral's wedding day, and Hannah's like, is she nice? Should I be mean to her? Pays is like, she's nice, okay? She's a nice lady.

Yeah, so Tom's like, oh guys, Maya asks, I guess she's talking Katie, she's like, Maya asked her if it's so bad, it's like dripping blood, I could be like, wait, what? I mean, I know I yelled that you really hard in my skull, but not that hard and So they're gonna have to go to the hospital and Jordan goes up to page and he's like, hey, I was about to take a shower But the funniest thing happened Julie Roberts is in there with Miros or Vino is in there with Mirosorvino. It's the day they invited me in and we had a threesey and then I just kicked him out the back window so sorry you couldn't meet him. But they both left their Oscars on my bedside. Isn't that crazy? So I

guess I'm an Oscar winner two times over now. That's what I'll tell people. Make way you're lying about going to lie. So she's like, wait a minute, you're lying. You haven't taken a shower. All right, you got me there. And so, yeah, so he's like, yeah, there's some chicken crawls room and page just, yeah, Christina, she's like, you're like, oh, I think it's Kristen. Kristen, I may call it Christina. So I don't really care better. So they come out of the closet finally and Kristen's like, um, is everybody back? And he's like, uh, drama. There's some drama. She goes like, what is there anything I need to know about is like, uh, I don't know. Okay, you look great by the way. Yeah. Yeah. I always say today's drama was more of like a three pancake out of five, but uh,

Nothing you have to be worried about. I Hate when guys do that. It's like whenever there's something going on or they're avoiding something, they're just like, you sure are pretty. Yeah, you look great by the way. You always does that too. You always does that too.

It's like, by the way, Hannah, you look great today. Yeah, thanks. Yeah. So, Kyle, Amanda's under her covers. Because that's how Amanda deals with things. She just depends on the covers of her head. Which gets who else does that, me. Love it.

I love being depressed just so I could do this. Yeah. So she's under the covers and Kyle's like, man, man, it's really my fault when you're like, man, you need to sober up, sir. She's like, okay, then stop being a dick. He's like Ah, I'm just I'm so overwhelmed right now, you know, I've got a lever boy event next weekend Oh, by the way, I have a lever boy event next weekend and I'm hosting friends right now

And I'm gonna ask for Amanda's hair and a marriage and I don't know I was don't know whether or not I want to have a 14th or a 15th drink right now because I might do two at once It's a lot of my mind So Tom is like we have to go to the hospital Someone goes are you gonna get stitches and she goes he goes don't say that. Get his like yes, ditches on his butt So go and then Stasi makes everyone shots and they're like you know how to make shots and she's like And then Stasi makes everyone shots and they're like you know how to make shots and she's like um excuse me Yes, I've worked in a restaurant and then they're like these are terrible. She's like I wasn't a bartender. I was a server and I quit I learned everything from Jack some sorry so Carl Carl then of course turns to Kristen's Kristen is like ah you look amazing Carl really laying it on thick so Carl

Carl brings Kristen into the group and is like, ah, of course, of course, in this page, page, this is Kirsten, ah, sort of like syrup meeting pancake, ah, enjoy. Yeah, nothing to see here, you know. So, I'm like, oh hi, nice to meet you, I'm PAGE! I made a drink. Am I gonna drink? I don't get jealous easily and I'm not jealous. So welcome to our house and go fuck yourself. I'll spoil to you guys I'm going to be on So then Stasi is showing everybody videos of Tom in the hospital And he's like gosh, when minute you're on a dock eating a lobster roll and life's good And the next thing you got a finger in your butt and you're getting a cat scan

Well, that's Vanderpump rules for you. So So now everyone's going they all go to a club and they're like partying at the club and Amanda's being totally cold a Kyle because Kyle is trying to like who sweet things in her ears. She's like, uh-huh Okay, he's like I just want to be a good place for you Amanda and she's like, okay We'll talk tomorrow. We'll talk tomorrow and he's like you're being an asshole. Can't wait to move in with you me to Carl And so then Carl takes callus I because Carl's about to leave to start crying Yeah, I'm really like I have a certain crying bro

Girl I don't want to see you unravel man all right and then Hannah and Paige are talking and Hannah's like what do you think of Carl's girl um he's not really showing her any intention I know that I mean I hope he's not just playing with her because that's not nice to do to women okay hey let's call Justin hashtag yacht you me okay great I'm having this like I know games and Carl is playing one against page and he's winning. It's work. Yeah. So then Jordan goes up to Kristen, which is hilarious. And he's like, hi, I'm Jordan. I'm the CEO of Millenax, which is a great new company, Fortune 40, actually

not the 500 section, the 40. Anyway, enough about me, Number one bachelor in hinge. I don't know a lot about your backstory But last weekend was the first weekend. I've heard about you and like just so you know Carl was on an office summer with page But it wasn't serious. She was leading him on and I just want to tell you because Carl wears his heart on his sleeve Okay, bye. I was like what where did this side of Jordan come from just? He just like has to be a little queen. For someone who has a right to how this function is certainly being a cock block. And Kirsten's like,

yeah, he's a really good guy. Cause Jordan ends it with that. Who wears his heart on his sleeve? What does that have to do with anything? You're just basically saying he's totally lying to her the whole summer. Yeah, how does, this guy's an ass? So then Hannah Danielle are talking about Max, like who cares?

Literal, fast, really? Yeah. Like this will last until the camera stop. Yeah. So then our Kyle is now at the board now. We're so mean to Danielle. And you know what Danielle is nice. And she actually has like a legitimate job. She is nice. I think it's just that she started off this season trying to be like, oh, new Danielle, like all fun and crazy and wild. And now she's sort of settled back into the Danielle that we know. And so like, she's the Danielle that we know is perfectly nice and lovely. We just thought she's being ridiculous

at the top of the season. Yeah, I don't want to say I'm right about Max, but I'm on her Instagram and there's no pictures of Max. So Kyle is now talking with Stassi and Jordan and he's like, I'm just at my wits end because I really want to propose to Amanda next weekend and I'm like, I'm in shambles every minute. I'm in shambles. I feel like I'm in a mode of time bomb and Jordan's just like, bye. It just leaves. God, I feel like an emotional time bomb too because I'm still looking at Danielle's Instagram. Oh, no. My God. What a wormhole. So I guess she's like a fashion influencer or something. She's very beautiful. Okay. I'm closing this now. Sorry. I got I got sucked in.

Yeah, he's like, I want to propose and Stasi goes next weekend. And he's like, yeah, I'm both like, oh Jesus Christ. I'm gonna go and he gets out, he keeps sleeping whenever they start talking about stupid fighting stuff. And stuff. And she's like, uh, and then Jordan gets up and leaves. Yeah. And Kyle is like crying and Stasi just is like so happy. She's like, first I let something on fire with my brain.

And now Kyle's crying. I love this. Yeah. So. So I've been wanting to propose for months and then all this shit blew my life up. She was, oh, because the cheating stuff came out, that blew up your life.

And it really, it was like, like, it's not even funny that it's about me proposing and cheating in the same second in the same sense. And she's like, tough shit Kyle, because that's what happens when you cheat. So maybe it's not the right time to propose. It's like, um, tough shit Kyle, because that's what happens when you cheat. So maybe it's not the right time to propose. And he just runs off crying. And Stasov is like, are you fucking kidding me? Also, that was amazing. I haven't seen someone cry in so many seasons.

Feels good to be back. I know. Karen, please carry that on over to your new season. Yeah, and Jordan's like, hey, give me a hug. There, fuel the embrace of hinges number one, bachelor, wrapped around your body. Don't worry, that's just my finger going into your butt. And... Hard. You see it works. It works.

So now, like, so Kyle's like just crying in the club so Amanda's like I was gonna look up a new guacamole recipe, but I guess I better come for Kyle Why are you crying in the club? Kyle and then she starts to hug me like I love you, Amanda They're both sobbing in each other's arms. I mean my god He's like, I don't want to fight with you man. Uh, don't don't fight with me, man She's like, all right, well, you have to do it. Stop being a dick. Come on look all right You can see you want to go home always like hey, thanks man. He's got like a fresh fucking long Island ice tea or some crap

I know meanwhile across the club page in Hannah are looking at them and it was like Sepathetic. I know seriously these two. Yo. So then back at the house Thomas back and Lindsay's like I Did you have a phisor in your ass sort of like the phisor between me and I right? Page in Hannah getting bad and Paige has just gotten a text back from her guy And she was trying to move it along too fast and so he said let's take it slow. She's like um karma Thanks, that was karma. Thanks a lot. Crosscar. And then Lindsay calls Feymon. And she's like, I'm annoying the bank now.

And he's like, um, she said something like, she's basically coming from, where are you coming from? He's like, uh, Sean's birthday. I told you that. Don't you remember? And she's like, um, when do tell me that? And she's like, are you serious? I'll talk to tomorrow, I guess. She's like um when do tell me that it's like are you serious? I'll talk to tomorrow. I guess she's like um Why do you mean it means like Lindsay are you serious? I can't believe you don't even remember when I told you that

I was going to Sean's party and now I'm coming back from it Uh, and then they just like hang up on each other By something relationship. Yeah, who would have thought a guy who comes in with like Overwhelming masculinity and like noodles of Quotin Quot charm or true not to be a dick with like playmind games Who the fuck? God, that guy's totally totally he has evil eyes. Oh, yeah totally and then Lindsay's like I'm realizing that

Paymon is not that different ever and it's like time for me to move on I'm like no you should be realizing that paymon is not that different from ever it and you need to go to therapy to find out why you keep being drawn to these guys. Yeah, and then the Vanderpump kids are getting ready to leave their packing and Jordan's just laying on the couch and Jesus love you! Doing his normal church on a Sunday on his phone. I'm so privileged that I have a direct is normal church on a Sunday on his phone. I'm so privileged that I have a direct video conference with Jesus every single Sunday. I mean, not many people get to speak with our Lord and Savior directly, but I guess I do.

I mean, it's actually really big of Jesus considering I ranked higher than him on his. I actually ranked higher than him on Christian Mingle, which is really shocking. So Cal Bo and Tom ran the kitchen talking and Tom's like, I was the first time I've been double penetrated Which I doubt So then Stossine, Kyle are talking on the porch and Stossie's like, I hope your next weekend is fucking phenomenal Yeah, yeah, loser. Yeah. And then Kirsten's with Carl and she's like,

you smell good. He goes, I know. Yeah, I know. And then basically Kyle's just like, yeah, I'm going to totally take Stossi's advice because I really like her. And I'm maddened and Kyle are laying out in the sun after everyone's gone. And she's advice because I really like her. And they're manding Kyle or Lang out in the sun after everyone's gone.

And she's saying, I don't wanna talk about last night, but you're on another level call. I'm like, you have to remember that we come first and we can't let anybody come between us. He's like, but that's why I was sad. Cause I felt horrible.

Cause Stasi's offering him advice. I just broke down like, I'm a mess. She goes, why? And he's like, oh, so now it looks like he's cheating. Because there's something that he won't say, you know? Right. And meanwhile, she's, of course, like in this bikini showing off her, like, beautiful boobs to be like, just so you know,

this is what you're going to be losing if you don't shape up. Yeah, but it looks like he's totally lying to her because he's, he's holding back and he's like, you know, it's just been a long summer and she goes, yeah, which is that's when she's mad. Like now we can read a man after all these years. Yeah. And so, uh, let's see. And that's Justin.

Justin. I think that's just where it ends. Because now Kyle is like, uh, he's the guy that Paige was dating. Oh, yeah. Basically, Kyle is like, now I'm sorry to wonder, maybe I shouldn't be getting, proposing to Manda right now. And that's like the cliffhanger, right? Yeah. And then they're like, next week, Carl, or Kyle asked the dad for permission. Yeah. I was like, wow, way to build suspense, guys. I know.

Yeah. So next week is the season finale. I wonder if they're having a reunion. I mean, it'll probably be one of those shitty Bravo Clubhouse reunions, but I don't know. I don't know, because they haven't had, they've only had one, right? Did they ever have a reunion on this show?

Last season, they did. And then we didn't even cover it because I remember I remember that was the week when Bravo premiered everything and we were doing two DC shows So we just like never watch the reunion and it was like you know last season was not great so it was not like It was not like a must see reunion But I really want to see a reunion for this season. So hopefully they'll have it Well, Tom will tell everybody tell everybody. Everyone, thanks for being here. Go get your tickets for Krapins Live next week in Milwaukee and Minneapolis. Don't forget that's going to be Southern

Charming Milwaukee and Real Housewives of New York and Minneapolis, and then our three shows in July, and then Nashville in September, and our new shows in Indianapolis and New York City. Woo! Remember, go get your tickets because New York usually sells up pretty quickly. So go get your tickets for that. And everybody, thank you so much. We'll talk to you next time. Bye!

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