Watch What Crappens - SummerHouse: Carl-ing It Quits

Episode Date: March 6, 2020

After a harrowing seven minutes as boyfriend and girlfriend, Carl realizes his new relationship with Lindsay is moving so fast that it's driving him to drink. What a f**kboy to do? (Actually, just look to seasons 1-3 for all your answers). And so Lindsay becomes the latest in a long line of Carl victims who find themselves wrapped around his finger one day and kicked to the curb the next. These are the days of our Summer House. Oh, and as an added bonus: Jordan's back! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Happy new year! Happy new year! Happy new year! Happy new year! Happy new year! Happy new year! Happy new year! Happy new year! Welcome to Watch Our Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker of the Real Houseware as a kitchen island, which is a cartoon on YouTube. Go check it out.

It's a parody about the Real Housewives. So if you listen to this podcast, it's right up your alley. And joining me is someone else who should be totally up your alley because he's up my alley. It's my work husband. It's Ronnie Carrom of the Rosebrook's Baturose podcast. What's up Ronnie? Hi baby. How are you doing today? I'm doing so so great. Really really well.

Thanks for asking bad. Me too. Thanks for not asking. I am excited because I'm excited because we're recapping Summer House today and this week's Summer House was just peak Carl. It happened every season Carl has an episode where he is just so Carl. And this is that episode. Hopefully we'll have more of them. But for right now we have this episode. So can't wait to dive into it. Before we do though, just a reminder that we are going to Salt Lake City later this month

to a recap, a live show. We're going to have so much fun there hoping to see some of the real housewives of Salt Lake City there, hey yo. And then in the beginning of April, we are going to Orlando and to Charleston and Charleston, we're gonna be recapping the premiere of Real Housewives of New York. And then later in the month,

I believe we're going to Oklahoma City and Madison, Wisconsin. So a lot of super fun things, tickets are getting low at some of the places. So be sure to get your tickets before they're gone. We don't want anyone to miss out. So is fun when people get together. Go to watchcraftens.com to get your tickets.

And then of course, go to watchcraftens.com. That's also where you can get merch because we have an amazing new shirt. It says Ben Ron 2020 in honor of the election. Something that we can all get behind shirt. It says Ben Ron 2020 in honor of the election. Something that we can all get behind as a country. Ben Ron, a hip hop party. You know, let us unite the country people by our merch.

And then of course Patreon.com slash watch or crap ends. Our bonus episode this week is part two of our road trip from Kansas to Nebraska. And next week we'll be recapping family karma on the on the bonus and in the week after that we're gonna be doing a big love is blind bonus episode so all sorts of fun stuff go check it out but enough about us let's talk about Garlito and Summer House because this episode really had it all I was out out this is why I tune into summer house because of this episode.

Yeah, and you know, it really does go to show you that when you don't believe in people and you're a very negative person and like you go and try and change it and you read self-help books to try and change it, don't change it, okay? Because most of the time you're right, okay? The reason I'm right on this show so many times

with predictions over the years is because I have no belief in humanity. Okay, and Carl just proves it to us every fucking time. He is like the jacks or the chef of this show. Although likeable, somehow still likeable. Yeah, likeable in that you feel like you can just like, just tear them to shreds. I mean, then we'll just give you that goofy smile,

like more life, more life. You know, life is good. Life is good. You know, life's good. Yeah, in the beginning when we did this, the beginning of the season, we did the trailer recap, I think on a bonus episode. And we were like, Lindsay, no, why?

Carl is just, he's gonna fuck you over immediately. And of course, Carl is fucking her over immediately. And so much quicker than I thought it would happen. I mean, it's only episode five. Yeah, I mean, just several of the members who's been about, I don't know, three weekends at the house, one weekend, they said, oh, you're gonna do this?

I'm gonna do this, you know, I'm all in girl. It's like, oh man, yeah, I just wanna grow and take it slow, you know? And then the next weekend was like, I just, it's like, I just want to I just want to grow and like take a slow, you know, and then the next weekend was like I just it's like you know the fighting. It's like a lot. I just want to take a slow, but like I'm still in it and then this weekend I'm breaking up with her so Quick arc quick arc Yeah, so this this week this week opens up. We're still in the middle of The fight that really has.

It's been on my mind for all week long. Every, I just am like, what is happening with Amanda and Kyle? How is there dinner in the middle of a rainstorm going to work out? I am so pressed. This is weighing on me. So hard. Lingo, really overwhelmed Kyle. I'm from Krasdiny, but you're very hard on me, Kyle.

I also want to point out that Bravo didn't have, they did not give us the Summer House theme song this week because it's like previously they were fighting and we have to get right back into it. But I feel like we owe it to the listeners to give them the Summer House theme song that we didn't get this week because it's a really important part of the show, right? Okay That was great So they fight about Carl being too, you know, pissy with her and like bossing her around and saying

I am exciting you don't understand that Oh, I'm only you understand exciting Kyle. And he's like, um, I didn't understand that you had anxiety But now I understand that you have anxiety. So like I'll just try and help now. How about that? Like babe, I love you. I love you. Yeah, yeah. Babe, I love you. And she's like, you know, you keep, you keep comparing things between how I handle things, Kyle, and how you handle things. And you can't do that, Kyle. And they keep cutting to his face. It's like dumbfounded, like, but I'm a white man. Yeah, his eyes are just like wide open the whole time. He's like, but babe, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe. So he's like, I just

want to have fun. I'm just like, I'm in to and get off my hands and accepting for the this shovel piece of shit I am. Your words not mine. He's like, he's like, so babe, she's how do I help you have more good days? She goes I need less stress in my life. I need less stress. I need less on my plate And I was just Imagining Carl poppy. I've been saying I need more life more life. Am I right? Everyone high five everyone high five. Love her boy Here's the most confounding thing about this scene. Okay. We just watch these two fight and cry and make up every week

So I don't care about that. How is Amanda eating that chunky pasta and staying like the size of a pinky finger? How? I know. How is she sitting there eating a whole bowl of chunky pasta with green sauce and staying that beautiful? Not fair. I know. I was actually, I kind of like paused the screen when the when the dinner arrived because it looked so good. It's like it's a beautiful bowl of pasta and like a lovely piece of fish. I was like, I am so mad at you guys that you guys are fighting through this lovely dinner. Yeah. So the next the song is whatever that means and Lucas doing a selfie cam. Because he's and jewels on the train. I guess that's why they played the song because Luke was at Luke had to just like this week playing the role of Danielle is Luke on the L.I. W.R.

He's like love to do some spreadsheet said the train. That work, work, work. There's a spreadsheet character go to. So Lindsay meanwhile, she's driving to the Hampton. So Carl gets in the car and he's, hey, all about. And they pick up jewels and she's like, thanks, thanks for the drive by. Yeah, drive by. So guys like I have these bug bites. Like there was a bug like attacking me in my apartment because I like such sweet skin and

Carl's called bed bugs Caution one you literally have bed bugs and you're advertising it your gonna spread bed bugs To the Hamptons I know you're gross enough with that growing on national TV and announcing that you have bed bags Okay, I'm gonna talk my that into my bed at night. I wake up and I've got like little bites around my wrist and my ankles. I just have that sweet, sweet skin. You know, I don't know what it is. Bed bags.

Bed bags. Or scabies or you probably have both bed bugs and scabies. So speaking of flinty tells us, we're gonna rub, we're gonna rub, we're gonna rub again, but like we hung out all week, our brain, our us, um, we are a rough weekend, but like we hung up all we are marine animals, we like we are back in town, not in town, gladly don't let us in, though, we are back in town. Yeah, Jules, let me tell you a great story about what Carl and I did. So like, we went, you know, like I've got that friend, who has like a condo and the condo open up. So like, we had a party for the condo and like,

we went and we had like a mess time and just like the two of open up so like we had a party for the condo and like we went and we had like the mess time And just like the two of us were just like be bumping around like be about she about she about the boo-bomb I like face hundan ronda, and I was like like we're back in another and she's like did you fangre bang again? I was like no, yeah, then ronda we're so at the condo. That's my windows Girls like oh I totally tried to end things with Lindsay last week like or honestly better off being friends Which is why I hung out with her every single And then they like and then they're like they get to an intersection

And call goes okay, so like after this car you're good on my side. Thanks, girl. You don't you're welcome All those I'm like God you guys are ruining intersections. I'm like, God, you guys are ruining intersections. I mean, intersections already suck, but you guys are making them worse than they have to be right now. And it's pretty obvious what Carl is doing once we get through this episode. Carl basically knows that he's going to go see this girl that he's been apparently flirting with for two months now. And so he's just trying to get rid of Lindsay so he can bang this girl, which is why he hung out with her all this week And then this girl was gonna be there this week Exactly. Exactly. And he doesn't want to get murdered by Lindsay

So there you go. So what's going on in Jules Land? I have any cute guys coming hang around with Jules. No, I haven't really had time to go on dates I'm still trying to figure out that Subway system, I guess is that cash? I don't know how how do you get on it. Yeah. It's like a little friend called Jordan called me last week on. So oh my god. Bucking a. So Jordan and Hannah are in a car Jordan's driving. And he's like, oh, I feel like I never left. Like it's crazy. I mean, when you think about it so much has happened since last summer, I was promoted

to president of my company and Hinge said, you know what, we're actually going to make you a top Hinge profile for the rest of your life. I mean, I'm basically royalty on Hinge right now. And then I got a blowjob from a girl while I was hang lighting. I didn't think it was possible but it is. Have you ever gone down a slipper slide with someone's tongue up your ass will it happen to me last weekend to the donkey show? It was crazy. It was crazy I was on the subway and I was holding on to the bar turns out it wasn't the bar it was a woman's breast we started dating didn't work out but it was crazy

So Hannah's like yeah, he's like my brother and also I need a driver So this is my Hannah's first weekend without page pages not there because I'm gonna know Perry Where by the way fuck Perry fuck Perry that he's taking our precious page time. There's only so many weekends in the summer. If you want to see page, come to the summer house. Okay. This is her job and you're depriving her. You're depriving her of her job and us of her. So fuck you, Perry. Get off of whatever stupid chair you're sitting on and go to the Hamptons. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if it was more of a page thing that she didn't want him to go to the Hamptons because you don't really want like your old rich boyfriend walking around a bunch of like 20 year old models. You know, if it's a page thing, fuck Perry, because like, fuck Perry for being someone that page would be embarrassed to

bring you around. Okay. I mean, I like Perry. I like that he's older and rich. So, you know, I'm very shallow that way. So, Perry, call me, K, I can be your gay uncle. No, I don't like these people who come in and poach our reality stars for quote unquote, a real life experience. No, no. I don't know. I'm not a reading page saying that all of Real Housewives of New York should be canceled. I don't really care page can die in a fact that so

Yeah, I told you last week. I'm a page of Apologist. I'm sorry. I'm a page of polygist. Yeah, you you try and recast my favorite show on Bravo. You can you can yeah Have fun with Perry and your oversized clock. How about that? Okay fine. Yeah, exactly team Perry. So So Jordan and Jules apparently were hooking up at one point and they even had sex and Hannah tells us that she actually met Jules through Jordan and She's like, yeah, and he told me that they hooked up But Jordan has also told me a ton of things about his penis that are not true And then we get like a series of flashbacks of

Yeah, so last night I took him a hooker. Yeah, totally happened Yeah last night I was flying an airplane And I accidentally crashed it into a giant vagina And it was the first time that I stayed hard through sex in a really long time And then I came out my earlobebe so that was fun. It's great Matt. Yeah, you know what? She stuck her tongue in my asshole and I kicked her off the bunk She had to get stitches in five different places because I accidentally left my collection of antique knives on the floor

Never doing that during sex again So I'm back in the other car Carl's like oh, how I invited Jordan over for the weekend So I'm gonna say you fucked up I mean you fucked up you're saying you fucked up and Jules goes yeah kind of yeah which seems to be the story of Jordan's life so Jules basically they have they have basically a Harry Met Sally but but like the worst version, the one hair, I guess when Jules met Jordan is the worst version. So Jules basically, God, what names are already there?

Are you putting beg through this? Leave beg right alone. I'll have what she's having. No, it doesn't work with you Jordan. So I meant that meaning that it's never mind. So I got work with you, Jordan. So, I meant that meaning that, it's never mind. So, I got you. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't trying to shame his penis.

So, either way. Same it, why not? We shame everything else on this show. Your dick is fair games, sir. All right, fine. I'll have what she's having. So, either way, so Jordan was gonna help Jules move in from Chicago, and then like he was gonna be there

and help out, and then she never saw him again or hurt from him, and basically Jordan ghosted Jules and she doesn't know why. But then in the other car, Jordan saying that Jules ghosted her, sounds like we have something to get to the bottom of. Who's the ghost? Am I right? When am I gonna get to fuck it all night long with my rock art being as? The funny thing is I actually have a lot of experience fucking ghosts.

Yeah, one time I just woke up and I was getting a blue job from a ghost. There was no one there. It was only my hand around my dick and I was like, who is making my hand do this? It was a ghost. Thanks, Betsy Ross. So many way, who's going to be there this week? I woke up and there was a flag on my bed. So then Hannah starts talking about how she likes Luke, but she really likes our mom and he's like,

well, I know that I know you, Hannah, and I know you're perpetuating that situation. Have you looked up? Look at me. I mean, look at me, Hanna. Look at me. Look at me. I'm talking to you, Hanna.

Look at me, Hanna. She's like, oh, he's on the road, dumb fuck. So then Kyle and Amanda are right first as usual. Yeah. And they're going to have a Miami vice party. So they have fresh m mallets for the occasion. The man is gonna crimp Kyle's mallet. It's the mallet, it's mallet time.

And then everyone else starts to arrive and Carl, we know Carl is really planning on dumping Lindsay because he's now doing his awkward walk around his room. That's what anytime he's about to dump someone, they just cut to Carl walking back and forth in his room and sort of like, you know those, you know those like those bird things where there's like water in them and so they like bend over, you know they bend over and then they pop back up again over and over again, but they're like dipping water or something, you know. He walks like he's midway through that cycle. Yeah, you know, it is tight he's midway through that cycle. Yeah, you know, it is tight little white pants. Yeah. So that's funny because they do always show nice like, oh, walking back and forth.

No stress. I have to feel my mind looking at text. So there's a lot of anxiety with me right now. Just I didn't go slow and that goes for my walking slow down there. Big guy. So he comes down while Kyle is working his Miami-Fice Macarita's bra and he's like oh good. Oh do you want a second? Well first Linsie goes oh my god Miami-Fice Margarita that is totally getting me going.

Oh my god. Yeah and Joel's is like you're like a margarita scientist high five page. Oh, you're not here. Sorry So Carl and Kyle go outside to talk and that cows like There are so many entrances in the sketch and let's just go outside It's not of a panther So let's just go outside because you know Lindsey will appear through all those entrances all at once It's like that one it's I feel like it's like that weird temple that Daenerys got stuck in in like season two of Game of Thrones, where it was like, ooh, temple evisions. So, so they're outside and Carl's like,

ah, it's just getting to the level where the respect is locking. Like the fighting is so stupid. We're like a good dynamic deal when we're friends, but it just crosses that romantic mind. It like doesn't work at all like the Respect is lacking. I'm like you are the one who's like the lack of respect here by the way. Do you realize that? All right, guys like but last weekend I said keep it friends, you know, and then you like go have a powwow and then like what the fuck dude?

You chickened out bro. All right. I'm a people pleaser. What can I say? I'm a people pleaser. I can't help it. Just me. I'm a people pleaser what can I say I'm a people pleaser like I'm up it just me I'm just good car all I just make people happy you know and I want to be just he's just there to lift us all up yeah every season that's Carl just making everyone smile at all times I mean why do you think I want you to put your weight on me so I can lift you up that's why so he's like yeah like I want to be there as a friend but I'm getting drunk to deal with it And then like I reached out peak of being drunk and then like I say something and then we're like fighting and That is by the way they're blaming him now they're blaming Lindsay that he's a drunk There there is him Carl saying that was so deliberate like anyone that I've ever met or encountered or seen on reality TV who

was drinking to deal with their problems, the last thing that they ever want to say is I'm drinking to do with my problems. Like it takes a while to get to that place. I feel like and he's just sort of like happily brandishing that like, yeah, like she makes me it's like she's so hard like it's too much. So start to drink. Yeah. Yeah, feel bad for me. Feel bad for me. Yeah So Kyle's like up man up. All right break up up there So then Jordan goes into the girls where the girls are all talking stuff and he's like holy moly Where is everybody? Well, by the way right before that

Because they're all they all brought wigs for this 80s party and Jules goes Lindsay has a wig too. I'm jealous. I'm literally such a wig fan. Like, okay, Jules. You don't have to prove your worth with how much you like Wigs. The page is near the coffee, so now she's on to Lindsay. She's going to be like, guys, I got the chocolate contract. It's really hard, but you don't have page material to work off of.

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Mina Koochi Koochi Koochi! And, she ain't no shrinking violet koochar. We love you guys So Jordan comes in and he's like oh hey jewels what's going on and I mean it just cuts to madden Hannah their faces and like super close up like Staring at them. Yeah This is awkward, huh? Isn't strange. So where are you you rooming jewels? She's like, um in your old room? Oh, wow so many memories there of all the times I slept with so many ghosts. I mean Betsy Ross was just the beginning

There was um there was uh there was Eleanor Roosevelt. Wow. What a great lace you was and had so many witticisms too Ethel from I Love Lucy. Now that was one hot mama. Oh my god. Mary Curie turns out that when she's a ghost, she's not radioactive. Fabulous. Joan of Arc. Literally left my dick on fire.

Hard, hard, my rock hard dick. I actually slept with Mary and Tuenets decapitated Ghost Body. It was great, and she did leave me cake. Ghost cake, that is. Felt a little weird after Casper, not gonna lie, but otherwise great memories. And it's like he does not have memories in that bed. All right. It's fine. So then he goes downstairs, and says, hey, hey Jordan, He does not have memories in that bed. All right. It's fine.

So then he goes downstairs and goes, hey Jordan, that's really hard by the way to transition from Carl to Jordan back and forth. I'm like, hold your roll, just like serving at the slumber voice. Ah, hey Jordan, ah, wow, ah. You have, you have an outfit for tonight and Jordan's like, yeah, I'm gonna be like Tony Montana, like say hello to my

little friend. Look, and I'm making a penis out of my finger. Isn't that funny? Girls like, yeah, speaking of how is your deck? I mean, he's like, um, it's, it's like a hard spot. My it's a hot spot. Our hard spot in my heart. Bro, I'm there. I'm there. See what I did there. So then jewels and hats and everyone's like, so Hannah and Out pulls Jules the side to find out what to do with her. So they sit down in the living room, which has now been totally overtaken

by boxes of Leverboy. I mean, it is, it's like the great wall of China like recreated in boxes of Leverboy behind them. We're like, what is Matt Damon doing in this movie? He's not right for this. So Jules is like, so does he hate he hate me like why did he ghost me? I mean, I'm just this girl just trying to make it in New York as Teaching people about fashion for less, right? That's just me Jules And Jordan is telling the guys well she called me like the day before she got here and she never like

She said she was gonna call me like to help her move, but then she never called me. And Carl's like, oh yeah, but like if she's like, hey, tonight, bro, you want to get down. Would you like get down with her? He's like, a hundred. A hundred percent. Yes. I just would have to bust out the Ouija board so I can tell Princess Diana that tonight is no good. So then Luke comes in and Hannah comes out of the stairs and sees him and she's like, oh hey, I was gonna like, I was like literally like, who is that? Who is that? Like, are you as your Luke? Oh, sorry, I'm a straggler. I took the train. It was terrible. And the good news is I got the Niels PowerPoint done. So it's all good

Wow, he just gave me like an approximate hug once me Can't resist the ratchet Didn't buggy that Luke just walks in and leaves the door open like who raised you? I didn't I didn't notice that I think that just with hot people assume everyone just does things for them. Yeah, that's just what happens. Like, I'm just gonna leave that open. You were raised in a zero degree weather, sir. Close the door. By the way, we should also mention that transitioning into the scene was Trixi giving us a little okay, I saw a con good. That's all I came 20 times. That's like a Jordan story put to Trixi music.

Yeah. So now everyone's doing their 80s makeup for this party that they're going to. And Hannah starts telling Amanda that she went and hung out with Luke at his jewelry studio and how he asked her on a date and everything. And Lindsay's watching and she just looks furious. Like, I am really the hot one here. Why isn't Luke asking me out on a date?

Even though I'm not interested in him, I'm interested in Garlico. He's just like me first, I'm the hot one. When did I turn me mad, Rob? And Hannah is like, yeah, he made me like some custom jewelry. And I'm mad at Gus. And Hannah is like, yeah, it made me like some custom jewelry. And I'm gonna have to guess. And you guys engaged.

And she's like, nobody's hot. Like, I mean, like, are we gonna go out on a date? And they just stare at her. And Hannah's like, okay, but like, I don't know you anything. I'm gonna go on a date. I don't know you anything. Yeah. And I'm gonna go, but you have to tell where you're on the dial.

She's, I'm having my fun before a man locks me up. Okay, Kyle. By the way, I love that like Hannah having to choose. I'm stuck between our Mond and Luke is the most so pop for a situation anyone's ever been in. Armand and Luke. Yeah, who's I feel like we need Bolt in here and also maybe Rick. Yeah, Drake like a brick. I like yeah. Stone. Oh, brick. Yeah, brick and brick. How about both of them?

Brick Rick stone, Armand and Luke. Yeah, it's perfect. So now Jordan goes up to Jules and he's like, So then Jordan goes up to Jules and he's like, hey, so I brought you a drink is a piece offering. I feel super awkward super awk soup socks. So she takes the drink and he's like, okay, I'm just gonna put down my drink because I realized that they're both spilling and she's like Thanks for the warning before I spilled it on my self-thanks. He's like, um, so I was like, call me and I'll help you move. And then like, you didn't call me. It's just, yeah. And that's like the last time I heard from you. She's like, I did reach out a couple of times over Instagram. And you wouldn't even open my messages.

So I was like, okay. And he's like, yeah, but you could have just texted or called me. Yeah, but I can say the same about you. And he's like, why didn't you reach out? Like, I wanted you to want me. You never want to just want it to be Warren. Yeah, I just wanted your tender embrace in phone form. She's like, well, I wanted you to want me

This is so stupid and then they like start hugging and kissing Yeah, so like okay, so like we both want each other. Yeah, is that the case? I'm glad you're here And he goes this is so weird being in my old bedroom And then he just like leans in and goes for a kiss and she's like She likes her like pulls back like oh whoa whoa yeah she's like there's no denying that there's chemistry and also I'm really fucking lonely and nobody talks to me here so yeah I really just am so bored and there's not even page around for me to aspire to this weekend so I guess I'll just have to take this weirdo.

So everybody's getting ready for the party. Get ready for the party. Carl's in the bathroom and then she comes in this room and she's like, Carl, I'm leaving them string cheese on your back. I know. I didn't know about that love language. Oh, there's much. That's my love. Yeah, my love language is string cheese on the bed. I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm drinking because I the bed. I don't know. I can't. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm drinking because I'm upset. I don't know. I don't know anymore.

That's just doing this to me. I'm an alcoholic right now. So I mean, doesn't she know I'm like trying to move on from string cheese? Like I feel bad that I'm stringing her along, but then she should feel bad that she's stringing me along with literal string cheese. Like that's not cool. All those strings need to just like hang out alone for a while and figure out what they want.

I never asked the string cheese. If I want the string cheese, I would have gotten it. She's just like, too much, like going too fast, too fast. So then Amanda is the Kyle's humping the air. The girls are still getting ready. And Hannah's like, so what was the last time you guys had sex? And Kyle's like, who what was the last time you guys had sex? And I was like, oh, last night, it was awesome. Amanda, did you leave string cheese on the bed for Kyle?

You're gonna lose them. You gotta lock it down on that string cheese. So then downstairs, Lindsay comes downstairs with a big blonde curly wig. For 80s, Mike, it's like the exact same wig as going close and fatal attraction. Not a good way. That's what I mean. That's how you really trigger Carl.

Kylie, don't gonna pick up your kids from school. I'm a mommy, my wife's Barbie. You know me, da-broom. So then they start, then they leave the house to go to this restaurant and Luke sees a mouth. He's like Whoa, look at that fucking mouth man. That's bright orange. It's like your dress a few weeks ago Hannah She's like, oh you remember my dress. Yeah, I pay attention to detail. Also, I love dresses that look like mods So then they get to this restaurant and Lindsay's still going

them that gets to this restaurant and Lindsay is still going, oh my name is Deborah. I don't need that. I'm not my name. No one has co-signed on this joke, but she's still pushing it really hard. I'm also like really, I was really sad to see that they were not at Joulon. They're at Southampton Social Club, which apparently is the new Joulon, because we've had not a single Joulon night, because everything on the menu is very Joulon. It was like You all have the southeast Asian ginger salad with the South Hampton sauce, please

And I's like Lincoln is. We're like at a quadriple day this dinner. And then Carl's like, Oh, I think I need to drink my sorrows away right now because I have anxiety there can only be treated by alcohol. Look at me self-medicating everyone. And then we finally get a thirsty waiter that we've been missing on, Prabha lately. He's like, hi, on you waiter.

He's so weird. 80s. 80s. It was a Robics outfit. And yeah, it's like so thirsty to be on TV. I cannot believe he didn't lean on the table. Like, hey guys, what? You want to hear the specials? I know. Yeah. He was about to lean on the table. But then he remembered, you know, before this gig, I was the executive chef at Joulon. So let me just try to save some dignity So yeah, so everyone's ordering and it's like I'm having a special martini. I'm having a special martini too. I'm gonna those pros are martini and everyone's like It's press a martini. It's press a martini

They're like built they're getting so excited and like it's a loop and it's like I love a bud light with two olives on the side I'll have a good light with two olives on the side. And I was like, oh, boo. It's a poor man's martini. I'm like, it will literally cost you as much. Just get a martini. So Hannah's like, um, what's going on with Juppie and Carl? And Lins is like, um, nothing. Um, I don't really know, but I don't want to hurt daddy.

But like, nothing is happening. This Carl would never step on L's toes with Debra Assam. Yeah, but Lindsay told me everything, told me Debra everything. So here's what I know from Lindsay. Carl, finger-banked Lindsay. And then Carl also told Lindsay that he likes her. And here we are.

And next he knows string cheese on the bed. Mmm. And Carl's like, oh, I am so trapped yeah You like very you fucking maybe it and so then Lindsey goes in for a kiss and Carl like it's her He's like on the cheek on the cheek and she's like oh yeah, that makes sense because it's That would not upset Monday So then all the food arrives and I just I don't know if you heard this but it was just so Carl It was like in the background

It wasn't like even a like a the mic was like not up high or they didn't raise the audio on it But in the background he goes ooh that's a lot of sushi So then they just do pile on Jordan Amanda think I'm going to know what's happening So then they just do pile on Jordan. Amanda's like, I'm going to know what's happening. Did you or didn't you not have sex with Joel's Jordan? And he's like, oh, we have sex. And let's go. Did you know how many pumps? Did you finish how many pumps? What was it like? And Joel's just like, oh my god, this is like my living nightmare right now. Thank God. Page is not here to see this. And then the waiter just shows up and he's like oh that could not be more perfect timing fireball for everyone everyone so then get in bad and start having sex and it's like two

minutes later and she gets he goes, did you finish? Sorry. I tried. It's like, oh, do you consider it sex if you don't finish? Yeah. Well, by the way, the way they started sex is that he goes, let's do this. Then he goes, you're unbelievable. Wow.

Did you finish? It's just like, I feel like it's like having sex with like a digital assistant, you know? Wow. That was great. Can I look up anything for you while we're here? I'm sorry, but you're going to have to be a subscriber to Jordan prime to get that. It's only 995 a month. Would you like me to hook it up with your credit card?

Meanwhile, over in the other bedroom, Kyle gets in the bed with a man and goes, why do you smell so good? You smell like a saltine. Kyle, don't try to win me over with your saltine talk. You know, it's my soft spot. So then Lindsay comes into Carl's room and say, Carlindo, I'm gonna give you a kiss. Bam, bam, sleep on a pillow, now. I'm fast asleep can't hear you

Girl is literally pulling away from me and he's not giving me no education. What's going on? And it does a dozen mangoes Zanzah I feel like I feel like with Carlito like there's a wedge of string cheese between us And I feel him grabbing a little piece of it and pulling away your string at this moment. One, two, three, got a jump. I got a jump. I got a jump. Morning. Jordan's like, should I leave? And Joel's just guess. But that wasn't a no. And then Luke has pulled out his guitar and he's he's serenading himself. I don't know if this was just a bastardization of of like the macarena or just his own song. He's like, you're walking, you're walking down the stairs. It's the little things you do with that sexy little smile.

The one that drives me me why don't you know don't you know how to lead a leader leader leader or don't you know walking through the snow drifts wishing I could play hockey right now but I have a runway show. So then Hannah is talking to who she talking to. Hermann. Hello. Yeah, he's like, hello, Hannah. It's like, like, we should see each other. He's like, do you like to have dinner?

Banda. We should meet at a restaurant in the town, which I have not allowed to tell you at the time in at the moment. And then it just cuts back to Luke and he's just, he's now passed out, had first into a pillow where he had been playing guitar. It's just like, he just lonely, it was like, okay, that's enough songs. Good night. No, so then everyone's getting to go out, getting ready to go out for the day and the girls sounds Lindsey are gonna go do some yoga on paddle boards type thing. Yeah, and everyone else think of the car all that she goes. Car all is very is happening.

Yeah, I think they're ignoring her and texting. Yeah, it's, really super important. Ducks right now. So I got to I have to write a comment on a bar stool sports at the moment. So give me a moment. So, yes, the girls go off to do their bow yoga. And we sort of see back and forth because the girls are like having nice serene time. And everyone else is getting their ass kicked up areas, etc.

Yeah, and Carl's like, uh, yeah, that trainer. She's like the best trainer. I mean kisses her. Hello, like a kiss on the cheek. I'm just like, what are you guys doing next? She's a babe though. Yeah. Uh, we're gonna have Babe Rose age. You look Rose babe. I'm just like, oh my god, Rose. Let's get Rose. Brosey, like, was a bad. And she's like, oh my god, was it? Let's get rosé. Yeah, I've been taking Sarah's class for over a year now. And she's like an incredible trainer, like one of the best workouts I've had. And I've, I've never been a guy at the gym to like hit on a trainer.

But over the last two months, we've been like talking a little and I have a little crush on her, which is like also so carol. He's like, I can help out. I have a little crush. You can't be mad at me. I'm just like a cute guy who just has a crush. I'm just a guy starting in front of a girl asking her to give him string juice. That's it. Yeah.

While I've been talking to Lindsay about having babies and getting married, I've been talking to him. A little crush. A little crush. Yeah. Basically Lindsay has been a back pocket hub house. Yeah. And then while this is all so now they're like They're kind of this is weird. I'm stressed something weird spatial is happening

They're all kind of sitting and hanging out on the side of Barry's bootcamp And there's like it's like a grassy area and there's like cornhole because they're sitting to the side and all of a sudden We sure Luke go hates up and he like throws the bean bag I'm like it's it's corn And like, there was no one there. I'm like, you're not throwing, you're not throwing like a typewriter across the lawn. It's a, it's a bean bag. Oh, heads up, be careful, everyone just do a bean bag in a general direction. I told you guys my cornhole story. No, Jordan, say that.

All right. Just play this game. So, um, Kyle's like, glies, uh, Carl, you into that shit, Carl, and he's like, oh, yeah, there's flabs. There's definitely vives. So Lindsey comes out to sit with them and he's like, aw, we're gonna go get a smoothie. Yeah, by. And so they like, it's like, they're gone. And so Carl and Kyle go to like, uh, there's a van doing smoothies. And he's like, they're gone. And so Carl and Kyle go to like, there's a van doing smoothies. And he's like, yeah, I love a post workout smoothie. Simply PB for the boy. Yeah. And so the girl comes over and saying, hi. And he's like, oh, yeah, look, Kyle, this one's my favorite. You see why? And Carl goes, yeah, multiple reasons, bro. They call me the ice breaker.

They call me the ice breaker. They call me the icebreaker. He runs off. Has anyone here tried the Simply PVA because it's really sensational? Anyone? Anyone? No? Okay. I have a little crush on it. I'm just saying. So it's like, we have a good vibe, Trender lady. And you know what? Would you go out on a date with me? It's gonna be on this roof of my friend Lindsay. Um, the salads are a little old, but uh, they, you know what? Let us dance up. So she's like, yeah, I'm down. Y'all, this makes me hop you y'all. Here, let me pour you some rosé and Lindsay's just, I mean, Lindsay's right there, by the way, and she's just watching furious. She just grinding her teeth. Ready to explode. And this girl's so ready to be on this show to you She's like, yeah, we said have a day She says rosé every sentence. That's all she says. They're literally drinking rosé also directly after a bar is bootcamp

And what is what why why are you doing? How you know what? Bored the cows or turns out the simply PB smoothie was not enough for me. How to move on to Rosé. Yeah, Lindsay just looks like she's gonna kill them. Yeah. So then Hannah is talking to the girls are sitting on their paddle boards. And she's like, last night we drank a lot and like Jordan, like, left a glass of water in my room and then I tasted it and I was like, yeah, hydration, fuck hydration, yeah.

But it was to key loss. So wasted. hydration fuck hydration yeah, but it was to key loss of Wasted jewels is like Yeah, so I have something embarrassing I Try to use apple pay to get into the closet. It did not work. Oh the other thing was that Jordan also slept in my room last night, and you know, we tried to have sex we did have sex for a little little we we we did we it was sex. I think it was either sex or I pulled the comforter around my shoulders. I don't remember which one it was.

And then Kyle's like, um, so can we talk about whether or not you got the whole last night? Yeah, you got a whole right now. Got it in the hole. Did not you got the whole last night? Yeah, I got a whole right now. I got it in the hole. Did you get in the whole last night, bro? And Jordan's like, um, I'd like to keep that between. Oh, so no private. So, um, uh, so then Jordan, uh, yeah, so Jordan's not going to kiss and tell. And Jules is trying to like spin it like, you know, I mean, obviously, I'm like sexually frustrated, but, you know, it's more obviously, I'm like sexually frustrated, but you know,

it's more than sex with me and with me and Jordan. It's, we have a, we have like such a deep bond that obviously cannot withstand a various light communication error regarding this. And she's also, yeah, she's like, well, we start having sex and then he can't get stay hard, but like, he can have a boner for hours. It's really weird. I'm not sure what's up. And Hannah's like, well, go to the bottom of it. Okay, because the truth is important.

Speaking of, I have to tell our model about Luke, but I said yes to Luke because like he's strong and our model is comfortable. So like, come look what they're eating, but I've got a model and best friends. Yeah, it's like, yeah, that was great. Tools, my turn to talk now. Okay, so me, I have a model who likes me. Guys, it's like yeah, um that was great jewels my turn to talk now. Okay, so me I have a model who likes me guys. It's not hard. I'm a model who literally likes me. Wow and jewels is just like

Staring sadly like I guess my scene is over now. Okay. All right. Yeah, and Hannah's like oh, I just want I just want our mom to know that like you have to verbalize how you feel Which is why I'm going to totally take an action and fuck another guy so he can see how I feel without me telling him. Makes sense. And just was like, yeah, telling him might be a good idea because I heard Lindsay talking to him.

And he said that it's just cash between you guys. I'm sure he said cash roll. He just said casual, seriously. Like, I mean, it's calling each other on the phone every night and sleeping together multiple nights a week as casual. And yes, we are very, we are fucking chilies. All right, we are casual. Fuckin' chilies.

So now everyone goes back to the house. And Carl and Lindsay have like awkward conversation Like cuz she's coming up the stairs and he's going down. He's like, oh, you good. I thought that was a candle But it's toilet paper. She's like, yeah Cool, see you later So then Lindsay The girls are in the or Lindsay kisses Hannah in the kitchen and then Luke KISSISANA and it's full time.

They're gonna have a pot luck later. Yeah, they're gonna have a pot luck and guess who's making his special tuna salad. I don't want to give any spoilers, but his name rhymes with a bokeh. And Joel's like Jordan, what are you bringing to the pop lock? And it's like, um, sweet potato fries. I don't know how that's going to compare with my tuna salad, but I don't know. I'm just saying I got a tuna salad that I'm making. Why are you bringing the one kind of french fry that won't stay hard?

Seriously. French fry that won't stay hard. Seriously. So then Jules is like, um, last night was fun. But, but I'm like a little old sexually frustrated. I'm sure you can understand. He's like, no, I totally get it. It's like this one time. I ran into Julia Roberts and I was like, you are beautiful. And she said, you are beautiful too. Let's go have sex. So we went to go have sex right before we were, I was about to come. She disappeared, turns out it was a mirage that was being uptricked, that was being played on me because I rubbed a lantern incorrectly at an antique store. So I was very sexually frustrated by that entire experience. Then I got fucked up the cornhole by Will Smith.

It was a crazy weekend. Crazy. So Lindsay and Hannah are, I don't know, talk it. They go talk alone because Luke keeps flirting with Hannah. About to be a salad, by the way. He's telling you guys, I don't come back to an salad, right? It'll leave some room. Yeah, leave some room for him.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if I can have that tuna salad, because I did OD a little bit on the simply PB shake, but I'll try to help you out, Luke. Just want your tuna to salad to know that I'm ready to get married and have babies. Just broke up with your tuna salad. How did she take it?

Yeah, um, I know some string cheese that your tuna salad might want to see. So, uh, let me know I can arrange it. I'm just, you know, I have a crush. So Hannah goes up to talk to Lindsay and her room. And she's like, uh, shout the door, but to talk to them, shit. Girl, like, look, like, girls told girls told me some and jewels told me some info

And like I don't know why I didn't ask you before because our mom said that you fucking grilled him and I was like Okay, I'm gonna be cuz I was being so stringy a little bit. Oh I was out wrong. I'm being you know, so you're well Yeah, so yeah, I'm on said that things were casual But what does casual mean to you? I mean, I can go in a million different ways. It could be like, Contempo casuals, or it could be, I love garden casual.

Yeah, and Lindsay's like, I mean, Hannah's like, well, like, to me, it means like, if I go on a date with Luke, like Armand shouldn't care, and I was gonna tell him beforehand, but like, if this is casual, then I can casually go get drunk with a casual male model casually All right, fuck you I'm gonna casually have that models baby and like casually like raise the baby and be like

Well, guess you're not gonna say anything That baby's gonna go off to college and I'm gonna divorce him and take him for after everything in the store I cannot wait to see how this turns out So downstairs a man does making macaroni salad. I don't know why I wrote that down, but I thought, like, since everyone, everyone seems to have like a little food thing this episode, that's her food thing, macaroni salad. And there's Amanda with her fucking pasta again.

I don't know what world she thinks she's living in. And how does Amanda just, yeah, it's not fair. Okay, you know, I'm counting calories. And do you know, do you know how much everything has, do you know how much everything how do you know how much calories is in everything literally everything how's Anything how's everyone not 500 pounds? I don't know my question. I don't know drugs so Yeah, I was thinner when I was on drugs I wish I could say the memories, but there aren't many because drugs have eviscerated all those memories. Thank you for listening about.

I am craving pasta so badly right now. So, yeah, so meanwhile back upstairs Hannah is still talking about, you know, like she's going to do this and, you know, our mom will have an opportunity to say, like, no, no, no, I got, I didn't know what I was saying because Lindsey was grilling me and I got scared, but like, no, I really do want you, et cetera, et cetera. They're just still talking about Armand, and then downstairs Carl tells everyone at the kitchen, y'all, I was talking to my ex-girlfriend, y'all.

I was like, wow. That's such a dick move to like, it's one thing to confide into Kyle, but now you're just sort of announcing it to the kitchen that you're breaking up with Lindsay before you even tell Lindsay. I mean, listen, God forbid I ever have sympathy for Lindsay, but that was a dick move. Yeah, he's, he's an asshole.

I mean, she let you string cheese on your bed, Carl. Yeah. Uh, so Lindsay, let's see, are you making your bean dip? And Jules is like, uh, chilly, uh, bean dip. You, uh, you, so Carl's like, uh, Charlie, uh, bean down. You, uh, you. So Carl's like, oh, well, let's talk. All right. So they go upstairs and she's still in her robe and he's like, oh,

that silk robe is an interesting choice. Not gonna lie. Other why. Yeah. By the way, Hannah also makes a good point here, which is that, you know, Carl, Carl, that you know Carl Carl She basically says Carl wants to find a perfect romance, but he hasn't done the work on himself to Actually do that which is why he will continue to fall into this pattern season after season

So to that I say do not see it therapist because we really need this to happen every season because it's always so entertaining to watch Yeah, he just needed somebody to give him attention constantly every single season. And if he doesn't get it, he acts like he did last season where he was freaking out that nobody in the house liked him. You know, so this year nobody in the house was gonna like him again. So he got Lindsay all over it and said,

baby, he's in front of her and tells you like, like totally fell for him. Yeah. So they go upstairs and Carl is, he's like in weird job interview, like he's interviewing someone, like the beginning of a job interview vibe. He's like, oh, by the way, uh, Deborah is one of my favorite human beings of all time, MVP, you're crushing it every single time. Yeah, this is some pattern. This is what we call in sales pattern before we close the deal. Yeah, you like that. I think, um, I'm on Deborah's hair.

It's like, oh, you should actually donate Deborah's hair to this Smithsonian. Like this is the part that, like, I like about us. Like what we're doing right now, how we're laughing, like, we're having fun because, like, complimenting you, they've not, but, but you know what, I've anxiety. So yeah, there's just like a lot going on and Lindsay's like, um, you don't even hug me like, uh, you still gay. Like, oh, there's a lot of pressure. I'm like, I'm confused.

I've sent mixed signals to you and I'm sorry. And I want to be respectful of you and like, like, this should be a friend thing. And Lindsay, you know, I love you so much. So I'm just going to condescend to you for a little bit until you get annoyed enough to leave. And then I'm going to drink and then people will feel bad for me. Okay. Is that cool? Yeah. Like everything that I felt with you was real. But at this moment, I want you to like be happy and like haven't made you happy or done the things you deserve. And she goes, yeah. She's agreed. By the way, which is the biggest cop out when

someone's like, I just want you to be happy. And I know I haven't been making you happy. I'm like, that's for her to tell you, not for you to, you don't get to tell her how she's feeling right now, what she's literally been talking about how happy she's been. So she's like, end of the meeting, he's like, okay, I'll agreed. He's like, I'm gonna move you because you started the whole thing. And I was like, what I was doing.

I was startled and then I get burst. And then we're entering into this romantic zone. And I'm like, okay, I guess I'm super into this. And then immediately it's done. Like, oh. Well, listen, I don't know if this is me speaking or that simply PB smoothie because wow, wow, what a rush, but I just wanted to see where, like, I just wanted to give it a shot and see what

would happen. And she's like, so is this a test? No, no, I just wanted, look, it's not a test, let it's more like I want to create a situation and see what the outcome would be. and see what the outcome would be. So, the task? No, but I just wanted to make questions and then have the answers and then see if you would give the right answers. So, was the task? No, no, it's more like there was a situation

that was like an end goal. And in order to get the end goal, I wanted to have a few things that you would have to do. And if you couldn't do them, we wouldn't reach that goal. That's all. So a test. No, no. Like, you know, you know, you know what you do with rats, so that you make sure that products are okay for humans. You test them. No, remember when you have to get into college, you have to like, you do, you fill in dots on a thing and you send it in and they say you got a 450 on it.

Like that's what it is. And she's like, dude, you're the one who did all this. Like we were just friends. You're the one who did this. I mean, yeah, but you know how hard that was. Like it's just like so fast. It's so much pressure. Like I can't have it and you deserve better.

I'm just, you know, it's like, I'm not really ready for the sort of relationship that you're looking because she's doing this thing like, oh, I'm like, you know, I'm like 33, I'm like, I want to have a family and I want to have like children that I can abandon later on in life. And he's like, listen, the sort of relationship that you're looking for is like not what I'm looking for. And that's just what it is. And she's like, yeah, but I said what I wanted. And we actually had that conversation. And she said you wanted the same thing you asked. Oh, and he goes, yeah, but I say stuff.

She was, I say stuff. I said, you want a girl who's just going to let you do whatever you want. Because I didn't say that. I didn't say that. Look, what I'm saying is I need to get myself together. And if I get myself together, I mean, get my dick wet by that idiot from berries. All right. She looks for a say.

So. And she goes, so you're not going to go on any dates at all then. And she's like, oh, because at this point, he thinks that Kyle has told Lindsey, he's like, oh, God. Kyle has totally born me. She goes, uh, no, Kyle didn't tell me anything. She's like, what's the, well, why can I go on a date? She goes, I just don't think it's appropriate to invite the barriers instructor out on a date. Right in front of me, you idiot. I was right there. Stupid face. Yeah. And so Hannah's like,

oh my god, I'm listening. Shut up. She's downstairs trying to listen to everything, which is funny because they could probably hear her saying, I'm listening. Listen, shut up. She's downstairs trying to listen to everything, which is funny because they could probably hear her saying, I'm listening, trying to listen, shut up. Yeah, and Carl's like, well, I asked her on a friend day. I'm a lot to do that. I'm a lot to do that. Like, I'm a lot, I'm a lot. Yeah, have you ever heard the pancakes at Beatrice's?

They're amazing. She's seriously. Seriously. Yeah, and he goes, yeah. So like, let's be friends, you know, let's just have fun. More like. Yeah, he goes, let's just be adults you know, let's just have fun more adults Yeah, he goes let's just be adults and say let's just have fun more life and that's when Lindsay loses her She goes you know what once you more life me. I'm done You need to take a deep fucking breath and he goes what I'm sitting in the chair. So I'm taking back all the string cheese.

And then she's stopping in the bathroom, which is sad because, you know, she doesn't deserve that, but she also doesn't deserve it because you're dating Kyle and you idiot. Yeah. It's like, what did you think Carl was going to do? What did you think the outcome was going to be here on this? I mean, it's literally three weeks and he's already hiding behind things I just wanted to take a slow and now I'm drinking. Oh wow, I'm just like so much it saved me I'm just a poor tortured soul whose parents got divorced and just want to go on a date with a with a friend from Barrett's bootcamp Save me. Not a monster that's for all more life, more life. That brings us to the end of people.

Tids the end. Great chatting with you, Owez Ronnie. Everyone, if you wanna get our bonus episodes because next week is Family Karma, week after that is gonna be Lova's Blind. Go to patreon.com slash watch what crap ends. That's also where you can watch our podcast, not just listen to it with crap

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