Watch What Crappens - Top Chef: War and Peace Out

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

Time for Restaurant Wars on Top Chef and it's between the Haitian King and the Country Bear. Will the loser go down with his ship? And will merengue ever recover from the brutal treatment it received in judging? For this week's premium bonus recap of the #SummerHouse reunion, become a member over at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. **New merch! Isolate and BenRon 2020 Vote Hypocrat designs available at crappensmerch.com **Crappens Live has been postponed until our country is healthy again. Keep up with our live show calendar at at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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It's a frog's ass watertight. It's Rosen's Seity. No one can do it like Andrea Jewett. Jamie, she has no last name. Somebody get us 10ccs of Betsy MD. Let's give them a kiss. It's Austin and Marissa. Nancy C. Centicisto. We will, we will Joana Rockland you.

I take the fifth with Janus Smith. We love you guys. I'm gonna have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have Hello, and welcome to watch what happens the podcast for all that crap. We just I love to talk about on ye old bros Hi everybody happy Monday. It's me Ronnie and Ben's over there. Hello, Ben Hi, what's going on? I'm not a whole heck of a lot. How you doing over there, baby? You know, I'm great. I got my my talk glass of cold brew and ready to dive into a week of bravo I'm great. I got my my talk glass of cold brew and read it dive into a week of bravo La exciting times well everybody welcome to another glittering week on air bravo You can find our other projects all over the internet. I do another podcast called Rose Pricks We make fun of bachelor's shows and right now

We're also talking about too hot to handle so that's's super fun. And then Ben does a cartoon called Real Housewives of Kitchen Island, which you can find on YouTube. And he's on another podcast called Game Brain, which is pretty fantastic. So go check that stuff out. And we've got some small business shout outs to do today. We're entering another week in the world of COVID-19, the new celebrity in America, COVID-19.

So another week, you know with him So yep, go support your Geraldine's out there in the wild Yeah, so here's one her name is Jennifer and her husband is a frontline healthcare worker And his salary has been cut But he's let's go in and help people every day And he's also, you know, while simultaneously having to quarantine from their child. So definitely that household is going through it.

So as a result, Jan started a YouTube series where she talks about the housewives to try to basically try to make this YouTube series take off and get some money. So go check it out. It's real housewives Recaps. And actually, you know what? I don't think I have the, you know what?

You do yours. It just occurred to me. I don't actually have the channel name. So one second, you guys, it's just called Real Housewives Recaps. How about that? Yeah, there you go. Wow, that's how it's like.

Wow, I can't believe. I know. It was so like, it's such a, it's such a, like I couldn't believe it was available, which is what I was like. I don't have the name. I don't believe I know it was so like it's such a it's such a like I couldn't believe it was available Which is what I don't I don't have the name. I don't have the name, but we do it's real house. So I was recaps on YouTube and Jen is just trying to get something going in the meantime to help out our family So thank you by the way Jen to your husband who is doing a lot of thankless work No, well not thankless, but like serious, hardcore, sacrificial work out there.

So thank you very much. And you know what, after supporting somebody, he's doing thankless work, you're gonna need to get something waxed, okay? So Paris has a waxing studio, it's called Stripped Wax Studio in Salem, Oregon. They specialize in facial and body waxing. They're not open right now,

but they will be able to read open soon and you can find them on Instagram at stripped. S T R I P D like sling stripped stripped wax studio and on Facebook they're a stripped wax studio. So go support some waxing. Okay. Yeah. These are very times. Okay. These are, uh, I, so I actually had this dream last night. I had a very stressful dream that I went to the barber shop

and my barber wasn't wearing a mask and the entire time I was thinking, I am just breathing in like whatever is coming out of his mouth right now and I was like, this is so dangerous. So then I was like, wait a second, I think this might be a dream. And then because I thought it might be a dream,

I was like, I'm not gonna pay. So I was like, I'm not paying. I was like, I'm not paying because this is a dream. But then no one believed me that it was a dream. It was a very weird meta dream. And I was like, no, it's a dream. So I left. But then I was like, maybe this isn't a dream. Oh, God, I was just a total asshole. So then I was determined to go back and be like, not only am I going to pay you because I was such an asshole. I mean, to pay total asshole. So then I was determined to go back and be like, not only am I going to pay you, because I was such an asshole, I'm gonna pay you double. So I went back in and then the barbershop was like, full of so many people crowded together, not wearing masks or gloves.

And I was like, you people are animals, but of course I wasn't wearing a mask either. And then my barber wasn't there, so I couldn't even clarify everything. And I was so stressed out and finally I woke up and I was like, thank God, thank God, I don't know, oh, oh, oh, any money also. So, Ben, Harry times truly, even in your dreams.

Wow, so in real life, Ben wants to help out small businesses. And in a stream life, he wants to fuck you all over. So, hope you enjoyed that. Yeah. Yeah. Could you imagine? Because unfortunately, that's very much me to be like, I'm sorry, I don't have to pay this

because this is all a dream. Bye. Wow, I'm awful in my dreams. Get a better business. It's not only available in dreams. Stupid. You know, well, speaking of businesses, we had a very big thing happen on top chef this week. It's restaurant wars. I'm Brian Maloney. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about your work. Talk about yourone. Talk about your talk about your talk about your chicken hat. To celebrate the South. Was that something? A little oracle red and bocker glasses. I mean, the guy really committed, you got to hand it to him. He commits to a costume. He really does.

He really commits to terrifying diners in a restaurant. So this is like the, probably the seminal episode of every season of Top Chef, probably more so than the finale. It's a restaurant wars and it finally is happening. And gosh, it was fun. It was fun to watch this. It's always just it's amazing how like even though they've already been on the show, they just seem so unprepared for this challenge every single season. Yeah. I just love that even in the previous season, it's so cutting like I missed things, you know Like I miss things the first time around. I'm like God Padma like Padma sent Eric home by going Eric I loved your concept the biggest problem I had was with your food

Thanks for the amount of dirt on a plate. Bye. Yeah, wait to kick the guy while he's down, pod, my jeez. Yeah, and it's funny that you mentioned that, because I also noticed something in the opening credits. I think that they, when they talk about, at stake for the winner, a feature in Food in My Magazine, and they show Food in My Magazine, but I think they've changed the cover when the magazine changes its cover.

And for some reason, when this cover came up, I just could imagine Padma making the snarkiest comment about Gail because the food in my magazine sort of like spins to the front of the screen and it just goes, it just says, Luzania forever. Just like Gail's dream. Just says Luzania forever, a big piece of Luzania. Sorry, got booted lady Gaga. Lasagna wins today. Well they let Gail be the editor in chief for a day and guess what we have?

Lasagna forever. What a surprise. Next one it'll be shoulder pads forever. God yeah Gail is just like okay it's shoulder pads mouth that's it. There's another week of shoulder pads. So here we are at night time with with everybody back at the house. Gail is just like, okay, it's shoulder pads now, that's it. It was another week of shoulder pads. So here we are at nighttime with everybody back at the house. And they're like, congratulations to Kevin and what's this, Buns Gregory, because they won, they get to have a restaurant,

restaurant wars, whoa. And Gregory's like, yeah, we both dug deep, and you know, we did something super meaningful, which just tastes gross. I hate when people talk like that, okay, both dug deep and you know, we did something super meaningful which Just tastes gross. I hate when people talk like that. Okay, you dug deep. You made some good feet Gregory, okay? Gradually, okay. Yeah, okay. All right, all right Michael Jordan Okay, Michael Jordan relax. Have you by the way? Have you watched the last dance on ESPN? I don't think it's really up your alley, but I thought maybe you might have been watching I just laughed because I'm American and I should I should know sports jokes so I was like

But now I don't watch it Just just a quick aside so I've actually been watching it and What's what's remarkable to me? I know Michael Jordan American icon greatest basketball player of all time That's a given but like now it's been I've watched I would it's think it's bad like Like six or seven episodes. I don't know he is such an asshole It is unbelievable and I think we're supposed to just like watch this document and be like wow He is just like that determination and that grit he has to win He will do whatever it takes because he's a hero. I'm like this guy's the biggest asshole I've ever seen on TV

I cannot believe what an asshole this guy is it's shocking he should be unbroad Well, maybe he will now he's broken his you know documentary cherry because he hasn't done anything before right like TV No No, and well, you know the reason why he broke this documentary cherry was because he No, and well, you know, the reason why he broke this documentary cherry was because he, he had final say, he had, so like, it had to be, like, he got to, like, he got to look at the final cut or whatever he, so anything that was like, it's, which is weird why he, that that he looks like such an asshole and he's okay. Yeah, like, don't make it look like a total asshole. It's not that they made him, it's just like, they're actually trying to be like, you know,

the thing with Michael is, he would just ridicule you and ridicule you. He would just say you're a piece of shit because he wanted you to win. He wanted you to win and that's what winners do. And you're supposed to be like, wow, that's like that single-minded, that single-minded, special quality that only a real, like once in a generation winner has. I'm like, he's an asshole. Yeah, he's mean. He's really mean. Yeah, he's mean.

Yeah, it's really mean. Yeah, I think maybe I'm just triggered. Yeah, that would trigger me. Anyway, I couldn't watch that because that would remind me of like being in high school and like the coach coming after me just yelling in my face and then when he passed away, everybody was like, oh my god, he inspired so many people. I'm like, do you know how many people that fucker traumatized? Yeah, I mean, and the thing is this, Michael is actually very much a

provostar. That's the thing. I think watching all these shows that we watch and then going into the last dance, I think that watching it in the context of taking in so much bravo, you see so many traits. Like, he is basically a real housewife. Like, there are stories of, well, so and so, you know, like he won the game and then he, he like made a gesture. He was, he now was not a gesture he should have made. He said nice game. That wasn't right.

He should have said nice game. So the next day I torched him for 500 points, you know? And I'm like, wow, that is like literally everyone on every real housewife show, just being so petty and making it about themselves. Yeah, I've never watched sports, but whenever I read sports Twitter, because you know, I love reading all kinds

of different lives on Twitter, they are petty like real housewives, like the way all the guys talk to each other. Like you did bitch. Then they have like petty little fights. I love a good sports fight. So anyway, here we are on Restaurant Wars so Gregory's like the sports fight of food. Yeah, so Gregory's like restaurant wars my season was a disaster We did Sri Lankan

They show it the meeting of that of that season whether I guess having a Sri Lincoln style No, I thought they were doing soul. I thought they were doing soul around the world and someone was doing Sri Lincoln. Oh, someone was doing Sri Lincoln. And then everybody's like, okay, I'll do Sri Lincoln. I'll do France. Okay, I'll do Mexican.

It's really big, soul thing. And Kevin, you know, Ronnie, I'm so happy. You really brought me over to the Kevin hate train because he wasn't bothering me at all, but like, you planted that seed and now I can't stand him. And I know I was talking to my friend Lauren and she also was like I hate that ginger. I was like it's because of Ronnie and so He was like I would rather go at fighting for a victory than every single time then playing it safe I'm like, oh, okay Michael Jordan. Okay. We'll check in in 20 years when you have your VSP and documentary Kevin

Yeah, whatever ginger Jordans SPM documentary Kevin. Yeah, whatever Ginger Jordan's Melark is like, are you ready for war? And then they all drive in their beautiful cars today. I had to catch it. Just like, just like Platon. Remember that part? They were like,

when they all got into like lovely BMWs and yeah, remember that time when they were trying to shoot down William DeFoe but luckily a Cibriu came by and took him off to attend degrees. Well guess he's back Stephanie and Stephanie's there just to give everyone fucking dirty looks all the time. I don't even know what she's doing. There's just say anything. Just answer and giving everybody dirty looks. Pat was like we've taken her hostage. I was trying to find someone maybe a little more famous,

like my good friend, Lena Wade. But Stephanie's the best we could do. Anyway, here you go, lady. Sorry, Alay Wong was busy, so we've got my other semi-famous friend, Bag of Bones. All right, and we think to say Steph. And Stephanie's like, I'm proud to see how this plays out. Quiet cabbage patch girl.

Anyway, Gregory and Kevin, since you both won the pitch contest, your restaurant concepts are about to come to life in a taboo taboo way. It's one of Los Angeles hottest downtown restaurant districts. I mean it's not as hot as it could be because if it, I'd be living there, but for you guys, it's hot. On top chef, it's called a hot downtown dining restaurant district. In real life, it's called terrifying. Please never make me go downtown again. Thank you. We are going to be going to an exclusive community that people like you will frequent someday. It's called a soup kitchen, but you won't be making soup. Welcome to Tent City, soon to be maired by. What's his buns in the chef in the fried chicken hat? What's your name? Melarky. We're going to be taking you to Skid Row. It's named after the sound my car makes when I strive to and say hey look at those poor people. Okay, keep driving

So they get to pick teams and Kevin goes first and he takes Volt Mr. Voltageio and he's like in the beginning We found to make everything we could to make sure the two of us stood together in the finals. And here I am with the opportunity to make that hip. Chuck Opke, Evan. I know, you're not running for a local council member, okay? Like just, my montage is really good. We get it, like he's really good, okay?

He was on top chef masters, okay? So then, then Malarkey's like, well, now that it's Gregory's choice, there's only one choice. And it's Melissa. Yeah, I know you're all shy, I didn't say it myself, but I'm trying to be humble this episode, okay?

It's Melissa, and he's clearly gonna pick Melissa because he knows what he's doing. I think Gregory's like Malarkey, and I think, I like, if I was holding something, I definitely dropped it. I was like Malarkey over Melissa. Padma did too. The first time Malarkey has been right all season.

Padma goes, um, just out of curiosity. Why? You know, it pains me to give you guys a reason to speak any more than you already do, but I do have to ask why would you make such a ridiculous, ridiculous choice, Gregory? Oh, he's like, oh, front of the house. Huh? Which actually was a very good choice. You know, it was very smart things.

So then he also takes Liam and Kevin takes Karen and Stephanie is the last pick. And so she goes to correct report, Stephanie. Yeah. And Pamela goes, Stephanie, how much do you know about Haitian cuisine? Is it about as much as you know about Indian cuisine? Because we all remember that. Oh, Stephanie, wait to hear about this one. Can't wait to eat whatever dried rice dish you make, Stephanie. Can't wait for you to ruin hundreds of years of local culture, Stephanie. So a show of hands, whose one restaurant was on their season? And the

only person on Stephanie are on Greg's team who won was Stephanie. And then almost everybody on the other side won. So this looks like Stephanie and Greg are his team is going to be screwed. Yeah. A show of another hands. Who here has been a judge on almost every single restaurant was ever? Just me? Oh, wow. Never mind. It's now a bad time to say, Sackit Katie Leijal. I said it.

Show of hands. Who here has been endorsed by cars genuine, been seen eating burgers on a national ad campaign. Only me, okay, I guess I am pretty famous, huh? So Leon's like, well the other team is solid and badass. We have a bunch of wild cards, which is a nice way of saying, fucking losers, which I would say. But I was not TV right now. So I would say if I were talking to a waiter right now,

but I'm not, so I'll be friendlier. Yeah. And Padma's like, well, it's up to your team to determine how many dishes you want. So plan up your menu set up your kitchen and do whatever you want. This is called giving you enough rope to hang yourselves. Okay, assistant, let's go somewhere. I'm Stephanie Eiser and I actually have a bunch of really acclaimed restaurants. Whatever you say, we're going to the car So also this week open table will manage your reservations We get a lot of open table and provide scenes which is pretty fun

Yeah, that's That's right. Yeah, open table or as gal likes to call it Breakfast breakfast I don't even know what that means but it makes sense to Gail Gail is currently petitioning a VC firm in Silicon Valley to open up open dress bar I don't know if it's really gonna catch on but bless her heart So I like to open up open dress bar. I don't know if it's really gonna catch on, but bless her heart. So, Marquis, we are the underdogs, but if we do this right, we'll lose a solid,

solid competitor on the other team and my most keen will never be the same. And I hate this anger tattoo on his wrist. Have we ever talked about everything? I'm sure we have. I don't think we have, but yes. Yeah agree with you on his wrist. Have we ever talked about everything? I'm sure we have. I don't think we have. Yes. Yeah, everything is awful.

I'm surprised he doesn't have a really annoying fish tattooed on him. A fish that generally would be okay, but then in tattoo form it becomes so annoying. Here's my Mahi Mahi tattoo. I'm like, I fucking hate Mahi Mahi now. I feel like you have a monkfish. Maybe that looks like a monster, but it's actually a fish. He probably has something stupid. He probably has a obscure fish,

or he probably co-op the fish. You know, Hawaii has the Hawaiian, the official fish of Hawaii. I forget what it is. It's like the Hanahana, Homo Homo Homo Holo Holo, Pukanaka, something like that. It has a whole rhythmic sound to it. And he probably is like, in Hawaii it's called the Han, Hana, Homo, Homo, Holo, Holo, Pukanaka. Something like that. It has like a whole rhythmic sound to it.

And he probably is like, they know why it's called the Hana, Hana, Pukapoga, Luke and Luka, Hana, Hana, Fish. You know what, you know what, you just, that's Hawaii's Fish, Malarkey, not yours. Yeah, stop appropriating fish, Malarkey. Yeah, so Gregory goes, Gregory goes, we need to prove that we're not the underdogs,

just because they have more top dogs on their team. I'm like, that's literally the definition of underdog. I'm sorry, if they have all the top dogs, just basic physics, if they're all the top dogs, you're the underdogs. Yeah, and then in the other car, Karen's like, well, I'll take on front of house because I did it on my season, and that's not exactly a safe position,

and it's risky, and I could go home, but it'll still be worth it because it's a risky Karen did you spill a snapple while you were discussing that she like knocks over everything later on? I want to be front of house because it's very important me. Oh, I'm so sorry I think I just spilled my water on you. I'm so sorry about that Yeah, and then the first then the first clue that Kevin's not going to have an easy day, he's like, I'm just going to leave this open for interpretation.

I was like, oh, don't do that. Do not do that. And he says such a Kevin thing. He's like, the key to Southern cuisine is to be hyper seasonal. What are you fucking talking about? The key to Southern cuisine is breading and fucking butter and cream. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but no, it's not, sir.

I'm a Southern eater for a long time. Get out of here with your fucking fresh vegetables. Yeah, also, like what cuisine is going to be like, we're actually not seasonal. We actually really enjoy things out of cans, things that we're frozen. Yeah. They're like, can we please serve some out of season watermelons? That would be great. Yeah, that's the key to our cuisine.

Yeah, that's the key to our cuisine. Yeah, thanks. Something that's unripe, that'd be great. So Greg Rees can be doing six dishes. And I thought there was going to be some doom here because Leanne says she wants to do a pineapple upside down cake and Greg Grigos. Rum raised an ice cream is really what that garnish needs to be and we got like not the usual tssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Fox News wipe where they used to go whew, whew. And it was obviously just someone's voice going, whew, whew.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and also pineapple upside down cake. I just, I don't know, I feel like that's lost before on here. I don't know why it triggered something in me that I was like, that's not good for top chef. Don't do it, do it. I do it. I could like already envision all of their critiques.

I can envision Gale saying, I want it to bite into this and taste my childhood, but all I tasted was sweetness. I just couldn't get there. It ate sweets. You know, it's a kind of opposite. You know, it's, you know, nothing special, but like, if you do something like this, you just really got to nail it. Otherwise, it's sort of tastes like it's out of walks, you know? You know, how come nobody ever makes a right set up? I'm not okay. That's my question.

I'll tell you who did a right set up, I'm not okay. My son, the mixologist, I thought he's being brilliant. So I guess that's what counts as innovation in the world of mixology, am I right? So Kevin is telling everyone the traditional southern meal, exactly in the traditional southern meal, you'll have 97 courses. And they're like, uh, maybe we shouldn't do that in a two day challenge, Kevin. He's like, no, 97.

They're like, um, 96, okay, deal. Yeah, I'm like, uh, so they go to the restaurant spaces, which are these big, you know, it's what they're always is big industrial spaces that look vaguely like the Bailey agency, right? And so, uh, Gregory's like, you know what I want? I want people to feel like they've been whisked away to the Caribbean. I'm like, it's like exposed beams and plaster. I was like, this is gonna require a little bit of imagination. Yeah. Um, so they're all looking through catalogs, and then we go see Kevin's space, the country captain. He's like, this is a style of Southern

cuisine rarely seen outside people's homes. I'm like, so eating at your grandma's house, nobody wants to eat that. I'm sorry. Okay. And maybe it's because of my me and my boiled green beans and meat every week. But no, thank you, sir. Yeah, maybe there's a reason why it's not outside grandma's home. Also by the way I feel like all Southern food has been seen a lot out of sight of people's houses because it's everywhere. It's everywhere. Admittedly except that's I've never heard of country captain so okay fine he got me there but still it doesn't feel crazy innovative to me. It actually looked really delicious but not very innovative. Yeah, so he's like, well, if I serve my grandmother's feed improperly, I will take it personally.

It will hurt my feelings. People don't like it. So then they go to Whole Foods and Gregory says he's not going to make the, he's not going to make the ox tail that won him the pitch, which is a bold move and makes me very nervous. And then Melissa is like looking for apple cider vinegar and so she tells, she's like, she does that thing where she like announces to the ether like, I'm going to get a shit ton of apple cider vinegar. And Bran Voltage goes, oh, is that what it says? A shit ton of apple vinegar?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, your color of your apron and then you pick your string color too. I was like, how much does it look like? You're an ampere store pay to get on this show. I know. Well, I liked how, when she goes, is this your first time at the headly manufacturing? And they're like, yeah, she's amazing. I'm like, okay, we'll see you on camp, get away, relax. So then, uh, Gregory is at the seafood place, um, getting his, I I think snapper something yeah, and then they go to the bright event rentals

I mean whoever's leveraging their free shit on the show is doing a great job this season the sponsorships are like Great, well, they've got a ton of the reason the reason why I feel like we saw so many of these scenes is because saw so many of these scenes is because I'm sort of jumping way ahead, but because of what happened at the end, I feel like Kevin being noble. Rob does, of my favorite part, is when the judges all discuss things and it meant that they didn't have to have that entire segment. So then they have to fill the time with this stuff instead because of Kevin. Because of Kevin. Well, also they didn't get to really dis everything because it was all stuff that was Given for free so they couldn't be like you're playing with Stubid

Yeah, it was all sponsor stuff. So I guess we were robbed we were robbed so Anyway at the dish store Kevin and Karen are looking at plates and She's like we need a lot of plates for family style because we want them to feel Reflective of southern culture. It's tough. It's risky. It's tough and risky, but it's restaurant war So you got to push yourself to be risky and tough So we're gonna do something very risky. We're gonna use a very old lady plate look. Okay, that's what we're going for old lady

Old-fashioned plates. Okay, that's what we're going for. Old lady, old-fashioned plates. Okay, risky. Very risky. Yeah, and then Malarkey's on the other side of the store like, oh look at these hideous old lady plates. Hmm, we should get these. Yeah, so he grabs the plate because the thing is this when when Kevin's team they set up their whole plate setting on a table and then they walked away. So Malarkey walked by and he thought it was like a display or something. I'm well, he never know with Malarkey. It wasn't their plates was it didn't he find it himself on the other side of the store. Oh, maybe I don't know. I thought he just pulled it off their table, but I could be wrong.

Oh, maybe not. Maybe yeah, I don't know. I don't think he was actually by their table. I think he just saw the plates and liked them. So he took them, but they were the same plates. And and honestly, like you know, I'm always the first to like really jump on the Malarkey hate train. I actually felt like it was it was a of innocent innocent overlap. I do not think he was being crafty. So he so he grabs this plate and Kevin loses his shit. Which I think it's because Kevin probably already hates Malarkey but he's like have all the plates you

guys you guys couldn't fucking find anything that works then take our already established place sanding you can't even take a second that's not our place already I think that's bullshit what whatever yeah I'm sorry but that's bullshit and moreke is like dude we already had our plates he's like you saw our shit and you shank hot it. That's what you did. I was like, well, for a guy having like country captain, which totally shank-hide curry off a boat. Yes. Thank you. I think that you need to calm down, sir. And the end of the story.

I'm sorry. Look, I just want to say I'm really, really sorry total apologies. And cares like, well, you would be upset if we did that to you. I'm sorry. I don't know how to say I'm sorry more, but I'm still sorry. She's like, I'm sorry. I'm trying not to laugh about how angry you are about these old lady plates. And also just want to remind Kevin, I am Chinese and you did just say, uh, you guys shanghai did. But that's fine.

That's fine. Um, uh, by the way, also what I'd like to about this moment was that it also exposed that Kevin underneath that whole like, sm, smack, smack, my grandma. He has like an evil side too. He has a real, as you always have said. And I think it really came out this episode. Well, that's just what bugs me about. I mean, it's like Flores, he talks in the way that he can sound so smart.

But I'm like, you're just a snide little bitch. Like, stop pretending. You know, stop to stop. So day two, pret before tomorrow's service they're all prepping and um malarkey's just back there going assa assa I don't know what he's doing really Stephanie just goes malarkey how many times I have to tell you okay okay I'll be glad yeah um so Gregory seems to have it all under control, and they're doing a lot. They're like marinating chicken and salting cod, and you know, then we start learning

what their courses are. Stephanie's going to make fried green plantains, and Gregory's going to make twice good pork and cooked pork, and Leanne's going to make a salad, which sounds not like a good idea. Well, Stephanie's also making a Salcaud patty. And the thing is that one of the things last week when Gregory won for his Haitian concept, I was like, that's cool, but how is this gonna work for restaurant wars whenever it's gonna be trying

to bring their own food to the restaurant or whatever? You know, like he's the only one with really a Haitian perspective, like how is this gonna work? I was interesting to see that he just had a very, very specific vision. I was like, this is what the food is going to be, and this is how it has to be cooked, and they kind of all fell in line,

and it was interesting to see that, I thought. Well, it's easier in a way, like it's a good strategy for him, but it's also scary. It's risky, and I'm sure, and what's saying, it's risky because he would have to go down. You know, but he's already been doing this restaurant on his own.

So I think he's doing stuff. He's already doing, and so he's already, he's used to training the staff on how to do it. So he was like streamlined and calm. And yeah, he was good. So for, yeah, so for the second course, Brian's gonna be doing the whole roasted snapper and Greg Rees could be making a chicken stew

with white rice and kidney bean sauce. And then for dessert, Leon's doing the whole roasted snapper and Gregory's gonna be making a chicken stew with white rice and kidney bean sauce. And then for dessert, Leon's doing the famous pineapple upside down cake. And Greg goes, you know, I just don't want to go home for a meal that I'm incredibly proud of and then stuff because he won't, he won't, at which point I was like, okay, this is really bad. He's going home. He's not making his ox tail. He's not letting them contribute anything. And he's really proud of his meal.

Yeah. It's time for commercial. It's time for a crap. Celebrity beef. You never know if you're just going to end up on TMZ or trending on Twitter or in court. I'm Matt Bellasife. And I'm Sydney Battle. and we're the host of Wonder Woman's new podcast, Dis and Tell. Each episode explores a different iconic celebrity feud, from the build-up, why it happened, and the repercussions. What does our obsession with these feud say about us? We're starting off with a pretty messy love triangle between Selena Gomez and Justin and Haley Bieber, a seemingly innocent TikTok of Selena talking about her laminated eyebrows, it snowballed into a full-blown alleged feud.

But it doesn't seem like fans are letting up anytime soon. Despite both Selena and the Bieber's making public statements denying any bad blood. How much of this is teen jealousy and lovers quarreling, and how much of it is a carefully crafted narrative designed to sell albums? Follow this and tell wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon music or wonder ya. At the end of the show. So then over on the other team, Melissa is doing a chicken liver moose and she's like, well it's different because there's no rules this year. We're fucked. Like, we can do whatever we want.

Not gonna work out well. I can probably see you. Right. Yeah, she's like, um, I think that doing 12 dishes will be aggressive. I'll say that. But we'll make it work. And yeah, they're all making a million things.

There's Crab Louis, there's the country captain, there's Hasubik potatoes, and dill, something called dilly beans. I guess beans would dill in them. them shrimp and grits and cucumber pickles and Karen's making a Madera glaze mushrooms and a red pepper relish and then Kevin's making a bit of pudding. It's just like a million things So then Karen's like well, you know, I'm only doing two dishes, but I have to build an entire Whiskey dining room. It's gonna be So she starts getting the dining room ready and then Malarkey's like, well, I look through a window and she's got some help But looks like I don't. I'm a one-man show and my crew doesn't have time to help

So I'm gonna start. I'm gonna do some tables and some bases I was like just work could just stop fucking damn thing for two minutes dude Yeah, and then we have like footage of Leanne. I'd forgotten. I was like, I just didn't even realize that Leanne wasn't there. And they're like, where's Leanne, by the way? And then we see her. She's like, at some random store with like, balancing five different plants and like picking up random Yuccas and Gord's. She's like, I'll be right there. Guys, I'm right there. That's fine. I'll be right there. And Kevin is making his country captain

back in the kitchen and it doesn't taste the same. And because he couldn't find the same brand of curry powder, which is, don, don, don, don, don, don, which made me so happy, by the way. Yes, he's like, oh, good, there, you know, I'll get it there, no problem, no problem whatsoever. I'm not, I'm not seeing anything on the inside. I good there. You know, I'll get it there. No problem. No problem whatsoever. I'm not, I'm not seeing anything on the inside. I'm not at all wall.

I'm not at all. This is like my grandma's house. So Liam, finally returns and Greg is talking about fish patties. And he's like, just keep going, Seth, and keep trying. And then she finally makes it. And he's like, yeah, you did it. Congratulations. And she's like representing someone's culture,

a so-in-tag world to who they are. It's a lot of responsibility, so I don't mess it up. And then Brian Voltagia, meanwhile, he is getting concerned that making 12 dishes is a bad idea because with 12 dishes, there's more to scrutinize which means that they could wind up serving a worse meal. He's like, you know, that's just, it's, it's, uh, we could be a little overexposed. And I just imagine Michael Valtas, you're just walking and be like, yeah, you know,

it's funny. I actually made 12 dishes on restaurant wars all by myself. I won. Anyway, good luck today, big bro. Yeah. Uh, so they're painting flowers all over country captains walls. And there's only 15 minutes left. And Kevin's like, Fultasia, where are you on Crab Styling? Crab Styling. I miss that, but I think that's a funny concept. Crab Styling. Where are you on Crab Styling? It's a cool salon with crabs and boophons.

So, everybody's basically doing their, like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, that plates the food coming up all at the same time, which couldn't possibly go wrong, especially since all the diners for restaurant wars always arrive all at the same time. So probably a cake walk. Yeah. The biggest challenge is executing my vision because it involves a lot of play to the same time. So Gregory is writing a beautiful menu for his restaurant. He's like writing a story about Haitian

and being Haitian and stuff and Haiti. And he's like, there's so much to explain about Haiti. So it's really important. Now this could have totally backfired on him too. Yeah, I could have. And again, I thought it was going to because I was already a little concerned about the pineapple upside down cake. And then we got a scene of Leanne saying, well, I'm just not a spring chicken anymore. And I'm honestly feeling a little homesick. And then she facetimes her kid. And I was like, uh, oh, yeah, Leanne's going home. This pineapple upside down cake. It's going to be it's over. It's all over. Yeah, they totally tricked us with the

Leanne. Total trick. Yeah, they know how to trick us now. So the next day, arrivals, they've got two hours left and Gregory's still pretty calm. You know, he's calm as a pick. Like calm as a cucumber. So like, could you pull out those picklies so they're room to, and Melissa. Kevin's losing his mind over parsley and celery hearts, which I think is hilarious,

because those are like two things I don't, I can't imagine anyone losing their mind over. Like we have to do some very simple chopping right now. Yeah. And Melissa's like, guys, I've still got to get Karen so much room's done too. But hey, well, instead, Voltagio, do you want your chives or ref jacks?

I'll just wait for her. Most of you have her. Yeah, pretty much. So, Malarkey is still saying, I'm a one-man show, etc. And and now it's like the classic restaurant war thing where they're running out of time and Karen is like she's checking on her foods that she can't help the waiters and the waiters are like they're basically all in like her She's on the weeds over there with the servers. Yes And Leanne it I mean, I don't know I I take so many notes on these show I'm sorry everybody

a little curfew. No, that's fine. So they don't have time. Voltage is team doesn't have time to do a full lineup with the waiters and stuff. This is the southern team because they're so busy cooking, getting everything set up. And he's like, yeah, going into service without the servericing the food. Yeah, oh, this is making me uneasy. Unfortunately, I'm just a line cook and can't take any of the blame for this. I'll be back here. Just a point of reference, I'm Michael Voltaggio here again.

I just want to say that at my restaurant, I actually blindfold my waiters and they have to just pick up the plates blindly and deliver them to the guest They don't even know what it looks or smells like we put stuff up their nose too and everyone loves it It works out great. I don't know it's perfect for me and we're open and Malarkis that restaurant manager He's always at the host at host stand going we haven't fun. We haven't fun. Yeah It's like welcome to your Haitian experience. Here's a very white man in a hat. Joy. Enjoy this experience.

So Karen is, seems pretty good at front of house at first. She's like, well, this is Grand Mother's recipe. It's about, well, Karen's doing country-captured, right? Malarge is doing the other restaurant. Yeah. So Karen's like, this is its grandmother's recipe. It really means a lot to him. Can I just eat my fucking food? Hostess, thanks.

I know. Exactly. And I can't, you know, she's like, oh, it's just, it's really about a feast. Anyway, oh, I just dropped a can of pay. So one of you guys can have one fewer can of a, I'm so sorry about that. Anyway, I guess Kelly Clarkson could have dedicated since you've been gone to that canape because it's been gone. It's on the floor. Anyway, then we have this hilariously forced scene where there's a couple. These two people who clearly just met in the line outside. The producers put them together and they walk in. They're like, hi, table for the beckers. We have a reservation on open table.

And the host says like, oh, and I see it's your 20th anniversary. Like, this is not their 20th anniversary. Open table really cares. So then Malarkey is like dancing at a table. He's so that guy. And he's like, guys, this is family style. So everybody gets everything. Guess what that means

Everyone gets a pineapple upside down cake. Oh, yeah I'll be those to stand saying or we haven't fun yet And then back in the kitchen lian is just losing her mind lian is turning into parker pose the invest in show yelling about the busy Be you know like what is this? This is not the busy bee. This isn't talk and a bumblebee. Sure, she is yelling at the waiter and she's like, who's gonna call this? Why? Why do you circle this?

Why? What's going on? I'm sorry, man. We don't really know what's happening. So like our original plan is not being absorbed by the way, staff right now. And then we have a closeup on the sticker of the restaurant, it says, y'all come on in. So Kevin, yeah.

Sorry. So we went over it at the same time we were trying to. Oh, come so sorry. I'm so sorry. No. My, my so was basically a so also. So anyway, over at Kevin's kitchen, his expediting is now totally falling apart because, I don't know.

I, I guess one of the issues that we're every table needs 12 dishes out all at once, it's hard to know which tables got all their dishes and which ones didn't. Yeah. Yeah. And Melissa's like, I would say there's a little bit of miscommunication on expediting. I mean, there's so many things on the menus and she starts listing all the things. Oh my God. It's crazy. And then we kept the car in the car and she's like, wine. Yeah, Karen's still wine on the guest. She's like, oh, so sorry.

God, it was risky carrying that glass of wine. Did they have this time? You know, sometimes there are, you know, there are failures, but it was a risky, it was a risky move to move that cannipe over the wine, the wine bottle like that, but it was worth it, worth it in the end. And Malarky's like, well, there is a few problems, but never let him see you sweat. And if you do, get some more fucking Botox, because that's what it's there for. It's called a tool. You know, something I learned when I was on the taste

with Anthony Bourdain is that you never want to let them see you sweat. So anyway, as one TV star to all of you guys, that's my lesson. Then we cut to Leanne going, this done. Ah, I'm like crumpling a paper and like throwing it away to the way It's mad. She just takes a cast iron skillet and slaps them across the face with it.

Yeah, and Stephanie's like, I don't think we should be doing that. Let's not y'all, let's just servers. How about that? She's like, should I do that? Should I do that? Just like HR comes down here. Why don't you make some anger salads instead? Fine! Fine!

Okay, you can stop crumpling the lettuce up, it's not an order. That's okay, just put it into the salad. Uh-huh, and then we get the judges on their action movie slow-walk. They're like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Hi, I made a reservation on a poor person's technology. Relax me, 90 minutes. I asked for a baby seat for the shoulder pads of gales. Hahaha. I remember the lady goes, oh, I see you. Relax me. Oh, you have a note for 90 minutes.

Okay, got that. We're very organized here at Open Table. Yes, 90 minutes in between Gail's next feeding. So please, hurry along. So they start reading the menu and they're loving how it's written. Histories are beautiful. It's all put together very well written. It's very well written. And I say that as someone who is married to a famous novelist. And Kevin, the hot Kevin, the guest judge, Stephanie's Kevin, is like, I am completely upset that the ox tail didn't make it. I mean, how could you leave off the ox tail? Only on this show would they be like, damn it, where's the ox tail? I know. I mean mean if he gives us something else that's not as good as the ox tail, we'll feel

let down. It'll be like those times where you're like, hey what's the crazy pattern is Gail gonna wear today and then she wears a solid but with crazy shoulder pads instead. No, I'm talking about high five high five person. Well, do we think about that day car? And Gail's like, oh, it's tropical. It's airy and Malarky's like, yeah, we're good. Look at that, the 11 ever bit of it.

Comfort and chaos. Tropical and airy. Sort of the exact opposite of your apartment. Wouldn't you say, gal, right? More like cramped and musky. Am I right? Am I right? Does anyone listening to me?

No, no. So, over your country, Captain, Karen's like, oh, I'm so sorry since he rest upologies that you're waiting so long in the kitchen some ass. Um, and Kevin's like, oh, 12 is missing on trays, so did 11 get their on trays? What the fuck is going on? Yeah, he's getting so angry, but trying to contain it. So he has to remake the food again, and the more they have to remake their food, the more everything gets slowed down. Yeah. And Stephanie's team is slowing is pretty slow too.

This is restaurant-wise, you know. And she's like, his food is so incredibly personal. He just wants to be in every single dish. And Tom's like, yeah, we're hungry. So, hey, look, look who's eating right now. No one. Okay. That table's empty, that table's empty, that table's empty. Jesus, it's like the head of someone who wants to make drinks for a living.

Oh my God, empty, empty, empty. God, it's almost like, uh, it's almost like my son's resume. Empty, empty, empty, a lot of white space, okay? So they finally get their food. Amalarchy's like, so what? This is the first course, okay. And yellow immediately goes, can we have some more picklies?

Yeah, yeah, you didn't even get, you give us a shot at them, I mean, I'll be surprised, not really. Oh, he's all day long. If I had a nickel, I really make it so easy. Right, Stephanie Eyes, odd. Um, so Kevin's like, well, I like the nets in the salad. The pork is troublesome. Troublesome pork. Um, so, yeah, so kale- gale is like, uh, you know, it feels very familial and very casual I like that and Tom's like, yeah, I like what Greg was doing here, you know, it's authentic food from the heart

He's not trying to chef it up Yeah, he's not trying to chef it up I mean, who wants to chef it up? It's only like, we're for influential judges judging your food. Chef, it's like hell up. You dumb fuck out there. I'm a bad man. Max me. She's like, listen, we've, Malarkey, we've only got half an hour to die. And the fish is taking forever because Gregory's trying to make it just perfect, you know, and he kind

of stands up to his kitchen because I'm like, oh, he's like, I'm not serving this until it's right, okay? Yeah, fuckers? Yeah, exactly. So then, so then Malarkey does this whole like song and dance thing to, he like really vamps. He's like, okay, they're coming right out, it's coming right out and it's coming and it's moving

and I'm gonna pant him up like I'm running to make you think that it's a, I'm a waiter with actual food in my hands right now. But it's just me running in slow mo. Going down the stairs in a glass box, flying a balloon. So Gregory serves it finally and then they finally get it out to the table and then he serves the chicken thighs with smoked peppers, the fish marinated in scotch bonnet and root veggies and Padden was like, why did you choose not to do the ox tail?

It was a really big part of why we chose you Gregory. It's like Gal going to the dress bar and they say, guess what? Now we have nice fashions. She'd be totally dumbfounded. He's like, well, I just wanted to show a little versatility. Have I mentioned that I sell plain white rice in the freezer section? I'm not looking for versatility. Get me my ox tail loser. Yeah, that was a really big part of why we chose you.

Also, we thought it'd be funny. Why, I don't know, but I'm funny. Like, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Al, Alie, Alie, Al, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie, Alie anyone? Can someone save me, please, someone? The Kevin's like, well, we love all the ox tail, but these chicken thighs, same umami flavor. Yeah, Stephanie Isaac says she actually likes the fish better than the one he made last time also. Yeah, so he's nailing it.

And then desserts come again. And more he's like, like again a classic island flavor You know, I think this is a little bit on the sweet side. I don't know But I appreciate that none of them tried to really chef it up They just gave us really simple food that anyone can make that normally would send people home for but Maybe the other team will just fuck up so badly that this will just seem great in comparison. And then they have this other judge, this other guest judge who I didn't write down his name, but he was cracking me up and goes, well I would come back and that's the key.

Okay, quiet, Celine Dion. So over at Country Captain, everything's a damn mess. And the guests are backed up, and the restaurants looks like crazy and organized when the judges are coming in. And Karen's like, I am gonna get crucified here. You know what? You know what Jesus was? One giant risk, his whole life really, if you look at it. Risk taker, yeah.

Yeah. The problem is that this is food that, you know, people just want to sit around and talk over. You know, it's family style. So people are just not getting up from the table. So my plan is I'm going to spill wine on all of them until they stand up. Let's see how it goes.

Risk taker. And then the judges come in and Gels real snotty now that she has something wearing floral patterns for like two weeks. She's like, wow, this is a lot more grandma than Southern captain. Well, now that says a person who wears solids and shoulder pads now, thank you. Hey Karen, you guys seem to be a little crowded. Have you used your poor person technology called open table? So they sit down and Kevin's like, oh, this is a lot more feminine and Gail's like, yeah, and more formal, that is not what I got from the pitch.

It's like, oh my God, this restaurant might as well be called Burtchard Rubbery Eggs for Gail. Gail's like over this shit. I know, well, it's true because it does look sort of like Florida Miami style, right? And so they're kind of like, what is this? This wasn't what it's supposed to be so The count of bays come out that intact Karen doesn't drop them and Padma's like well the chicken live is lovely

I wonder who made this as her name Ryan with Shalissa and I write everyone classic Melissa right here on the math And they say that that's the winner definitely definitely of those, except for girls. Yes, she liked the smoke trout because of the flavor. And Tom's like, can I just point out that none of these were country. So there's that. Yeah, sort of like your son who's an exologist and you're like, well, that's not a chef, right?

Just how this isn't country, you know? It doesn't matter. So Gail's like, well, the real test here is the country captain. If it's anything like what we had at the tasting, it is going to be amazing. I mean, hopefully he found that exact same curry to buy, or it's going to be a disaster. But hoping that he shopped properly, it is going to be amazing. Have I put everything on the country captain yet? Okay, let me put everything on the country captain yet? Okay, let me put everything on the country captain. You know, they're not busing and turning those tables over fast enough.

Look at all those poor people standing around in their wal-mocks sneakers. Wow, their feet must be killing them. So the country captain comes out and chicken thighs, raced in curry, and some yellow rice, and some creamed corn, and some peas, and some beef tallow fried, something, and some red pepper relish, and some girl, I couldn't even type fast enough. It's like I'm stopping typing now, fuckers. You know, normally I would reserve this comment for Gail styling, but I'll apply it to the food.

I wonder if there's maybe one too many items here. Oh, so Gail's like, dilly beans. I could eat these for days. We know Gail, we know. We see the creative them behind your chair. And stuff doesn't like that the shrimping grits was more like an entree because everything else is supposed to be a side dish and that was kind of like an entree. Yeah.

And Padma says for the first out of 20 times, it ain't really sweet. because everything else is supposed to be a side dish and that was kind of like a malt drink. Yeah. And Padma says for the first out of 20 times, it ain't really sweet. That's like her thing today. She's just going to see that over and over. What do you think, Dilly Bean? Gell. Gell, I get those beans out of your mouth. We're trying to hear what you think about something.

And the country captain is a fail. Yeah. So Tom's like, this is not nearly as good as it was last time. And Padman's like, well, it's drier. It's drier on the inside than it was last time. Am I right? And Kevin's like, yeah, you build a whole concept around one dish.

It better be good. This was it. If you agree with me, raise your hand. Or on Gail's case, her dilly bean. So then they get to the Karen's mushroom. So then's like not good and the other the newer judge goes my jaw isn't dropping I like that I love that guy have you tried the dilly beans Gail seems to be a big fan oh I guess they're not left oh I'm so sorry and Gail's like well I'm surprised that Kevin hasn't said hello to us

I mean it would seem that it would be pretty important to say hello. That would be nice And no, I like when you got that attitude By the way, and also Padma was doing that thing that she loves doing a restaurant wars Which is look over her shoulder and patiently like where is everyone look at all the how crowded is look at all the people staring at us The table full of mostly famous people except for you Judge who doesn't have a name his jaws and trapping. Oh, yes. Don't look at us. Don't look at us. Don't look at us So it is time for desserts and Karen's like hey Kevin. Do you need some help with the desserts? He's like I got it. I got it. I got it That's it was just your voice that your Kevin impersonation is really on point

So he serves he serves his banana pudding and it like comes the table and Padma Pamela goes oh my god Did you have to give this meringue me my hair? my hair. Gavin. HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA

HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA

HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA Like hard boiled eggs, am I right, Gail? Um, and um, what did Kevin say? It's a microcosm of what? Yeah, he said Kevin was like, well, it's a microcosm of the meal. Oh, you know, it looked gorgeous, but it wasn't entirely there. I wrote of the mall. And I was like, who's mall? It's a microcosm of the mall. Oh, it's mall. I'm here from Atlanta. Padma goes, you know, there's not enough pudding and too much of everything else

I mean these jokes just write themselves am I right? Alibong? Oh So dinners over and Kevin's like well not fancy perp And Kevin's like good job And he's like polishing a knife and just completely ignores her. He hates her and her positive attitude. He's like just, you know, fire, bitch. Yeah. So then they go to the stew room and Kevin's like, well, you know, what we did is that I'm

a 12 dishes and Gregory goes, what? He's like, what? Why did you, it's like, why did you do that? And Karen is telling us oftentimes, front of the house gets thrown under the bus and i'm really nervous because i had to walk away from my dish and i'm just getting ready to blame somebody so can't wait to that moment comes oh i'm sorry did i just feel my coffee on your producer terribly sorry terribly

sorry uh... so then the judges are talking and Tom's like well uh clearly a lot of thought was put into both concepts unfortunately thoughts aren't edible and uh someone's gonna have to go home because their thoughts are tasted disgusting so let's bring him out here so uh let's get right to it Stephanie could you please say who the winning restaurant is? Con I'm gonna say it. Sorry Stephanie and Karen's face is basically like fuck. Okay. I'm gonna get thrown out of the bus here because I'm you know front of house, you know Yeah, so country captain Can you step to the side so you can stand there in the shadows and shame for serving us terrible food?

So they you know it was true to what they promised, so they like that. Stephanie loved the story on the menu, and Tom's like, you wrote that? Well, well, it's said everything up. I'm going to go as great. And Malarkey goes, beautiful, beautiful. Like Malarkey, you're not the judge here, quiet.

And that fish patty, so, so good. Almost tastes like someone not working in human resources made that, so good job, good. Almost tastes like someone not working in human resources made that. So good job, Stephanie. You've also had a lot of crunch with your salad. Wow, what an innovation. Crunch in the salad. Congratulations. What are we going to, what are we going to war them next for?

Adding oil and vinegar together. I mean, come on. I feel like that's something that could totally go another way if they were the bottom team. Like, oh so much crunch in that salad. You know, probably just has like change the pronunciation of a card that's stressed on a couple of words, you know. Yeah. Like now we have to like everything and now we have to hate everything.

Believe it or not, the fish was better than the one you served in your pitch. So there's that. How about that, everyone? And the beans and rice were perfect. And the diners loved your dessert. And by diners, I mean rhymes were snail over there. And Leigh-Egg goes, well, people love sugar, you know. And Tom's like, well, you know, the cool thing about it is it really makes me want to go to Haiti

You do that Tom. I'm gonna be hanging out with David Chang Stuffing is like yeah, I've makes me want to go home and just start cooking, you know, so As you guys are all winners you guys get to split $40,000 and a one-year subscription to Open Table Software. So there's that. Meanwhile, I just want to yacht from myself because I bought it for myself. Anyway, I'm rich. So then the losing team is up there. And she's like, so Kevin, how was your day to day stupid?

He's like, well, my grandmother would have been proud. I'm pretty sure of that. And she was like, wow, you did a lot. So what's their talk of, I don't know, doing less. Also, I can... Yeah. He's like, actually, there was talk of doing more. So that's what our talk was about. I mean, I could have stepped in and made changes, but I live with that decision because I think that it was the appropriate thing to do given the spirit of top chef.

Like, don't try to wrap this up in the spirit of top chef. This is not some sort of, you know, treakly thing for the Olympics where we find out that the swimmer overcame a devastating fear of spiders to learn how to swim the butterfly. Like we don't know, no, this is not one of those. Yeah, this is not a hot dog competition, okay? It's not quantity of equality. Sir, I don't know what show you're watching and Padma's like well if there was a dish you wish you could edit out. We'll call it the gal. What would it be? He's like well my inner monologue was my grandma and she was saying you give them every dish

You give them more and then you say fancy words until they've let you win, okay? Honey and how many restaurants did your grandmother open up and succeed at none? Oh, okay, I guess that makes sense. Yeah, Tom's like, well, you know, your grandma is a fucking idiot, so... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Wow, I love that idea. You give them everything you can and give them more because that's what you're supposed to do. Sort of like Gail's fashion sensibility. I mean, sorry Gail, it's just so easy today, bless your heart. What is it, Gail Flix and chill night? Somalus is like, yeah, I was concerned about the amount, but he said that there's a lot

of sides and that's just how Southern cooking is. Well, I think the Canapes, they'd been on big old platters. It wouldn't have taken so much time. It's like I was saying to my dear friend, Lena with sometimes food just needs to be on a platter. Am I right? Everyone high five. And then judge Kevin is like, well, you know, then you gave us that grits and sauce, but that was supposed to be a side, but it wasn't really a side. And then Stephanie moves on to the country captain. She's like, yeah, this new one sucked.

So I like this. She pulled the pad. She pulled a pad. Yeah. She's like, did you think they were the same? Was this the same as last one? What do you think? Did you mean to totally ruin your signature dish that you named your entire restaurant after?

And he's like, yeah, no, it wasn't good. I use a different sort of curry powder. So what you're saying is that your whole dish that you named your restaurant after, that your grandma loved, lives and dies based on if McCormick's in stock. Is that what you're saying? And those mushrooms were pretty bad too. I didn't taste any of the Madira, you know? They were just, you know, they were, they were Salmon. That means steamed and gray, by the way, in case anybody missed it. There's a thaw twa out on those mushrooms.

So Karen's like, well, they promised me that they would help me get things done. Remember guys, when you promised that, when I was out there being risky and trying to save the world with good table placement? Do you remember that guys? That would have been nice. That would have been great. Emmaless snaps back at her, but she's so nice. She's like, well, there was so much to get done. I had Pratt, I had to chuck some onions, rustically, for Voltage, yo.

I did fire your dish, though, So, I own up to helping you. I mean, there really was so much to do. I mean, it's hard when you have to be the lone bright spot on a terrible menu. You know what I'm saying, everyone? You know what I'm saying? So, Bob, I was like, well, I didn't think you'd serve those again. But I don't think you'd serve those again. But if you do, I'm sure Gail will enjoy them.

Just hand them all down. Handle your food down to Gail. Let's take care of it. Gail goes, dessert. I'm sure Gail will enjoy them just hand them all down hand all your food down to Gail So take care of it Gail goes dessert I'm Kevin cuz but I was really happy with that and I hope you guys were to Like oh he's like his bitchiness is showing through so hard his yeah, he's just like a mask of veins You know his face is like most surely they'll love my dessert and Gail's like I want the banana to be softer. It felt dry it felt Almost like did you include the banana peel in there almost exclusively and not the actual banana?

I mean was that what was going on? Well, I feel like I did it justice today But perhaps I didn't and bad bad because for me it ate sweet and pat pat because for me it ate sweet. I Kevin goes this look where he's trying to be like, oh okay, but he is so angry like his mouth is sort of a gap and his like face is like getting somehow longer. I don't know what was happening. It was strange. Yeah, he looked crazy. He looked like the crazy guy at the end of Indiana Jones in the last crusade who drinks from the wrong grail. And he's like, like that's what Kevin looks like.

So Tom's like, well, there was also a wait, Karen. She's like, we front loaded that. Sorry, sorry, the mushrooms weren't seeding people. It would have been nice to have some out. So Karen, so like, Kevin, how do we not send you home right now? Because we think we might send home Karen and we'd love to debate about it. And I'm sure the viewers would love to watch that too. So just give you an answer that won't ruin

all that for everyone. He's like, well, to be very candid with you, I was raised to stand in front of your mistakes and you own them for what you are. And they are me in time. So when I try to buy best to save my own skin and it's inappropriate, I couldn't live with myself. I tried to throw myself under the bus. I'm like, okay, you're not on trial for murder here. Just be like, I thought this workout, it was overambitious, and if being overambitious is a sin, then I guess I sinned to send Karen home. Yeah, Karen sucked the most. She sucked at her front of the house job

and she sucked with her mushroom's job. So it's not like she did good at one and sucked at the other. And if you send me home, you're sending home and obviously better, like better competing chef at this point. I mean, I thought that he should have gone home over Karen for sure, but I'm just saying like it's not. I just hate when when the chefs just become so ridiculous with their honor. I mean, look, I don't want people to be snaky like Malarkey, but sometimes they're like a little bit like they act like they're serving their country on like a, like a very important, I mean,

listen, food is important and restaurant culture is important. I just think that sometimes these chefs act like they're full of water. No, I know what you mean. And they also act like, they're also trying to just guess from different seasons what they're supposed to say, but they show keeps them on their toes, you know? Because it's like he's giving the ultimate answer

that would keep him there, you know? Like well, I did a whole meal at, you know? Because, yeah. Well, it's like he's giving the ultimate answer that would keep him there, you know? Well, I did a whole meal out, you know, it was a million dishes that were mostly delicious, except for one mistake, which I won't mention, because I'm a good leader. And you know, it's like he's giving, like, the proper speech, but then Tom almost smiling goes, okay, well, Padma, and she's like, Kevin, please pack your knives and go to grandma. Go ask grandma for an apology. How about that? Okay, well, Padma. And she's like, Kevin, please pack your knives and go to grandma. Go ask grandma for an apology. How about that?

Yeah, seriously, they're like so ready, right? He's like, well, you know, I think the fault around my shoulder, please pack your knives and go. And now if you don't care about your shoulders. Take the flower wells with you, please. Oh God, he's taking up his hat. Do we have how much longer do we have to deal with this? Yeah, I don't, you know, Kevin makes me crazy and I really like Karen, but I think Karen should have definitely gone high.

I don't, I don't think, I think the Karen, I think it was, this was sometimes I think it's front of the house. I think, yeah, she was messing up, but this was a huge top down issue, I think. But either way, time goes, oh, well, you're a good man, Kevin Glaspy. Like, oh, stop it. And Kevin's final speech. He's like, when you have to stare down your maker like I have, there's nothing more important than telling the truth. Now, I don't know about you, but I've always admired the captains that went down with the ship

instead of jumping in the life. I was like, okay, A-Hab, please give me a fucking break. I know, you cooked chicken, okay, like relax. You were not sent on a secret mission and went rogue trying to save a community of people from terrors and then failed miserably. You made a chicken dish that was dry. Yeah, you just got mbi dick, so good. Get out. Settle down over there.

Well, that brings us to the end of Toposchiffle. We will be back tomorrow with a recap of the Zoom Union of Real Housewives of Atlanta, everybody. Also, this week's bonus episode is a Zoom reunion as well. Go over to Patreon and you can find the Summer House reunion recap. You can also find all of our video recaps, our crap and so on demand recaps, which we've got a ton of now. So go over there and watch us. We just did a real fun live show for Real House West of New York Friday, so you can check that out over there. And if you want merch, t-shirts and all that good or store, blah, blah, blah.

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