Watch What Crappens - TopChef: Dial M for Malarkey

Episode Date: April 21, 2020

On a supersized Top Chef, the cheftestants must navigate through a Quick Fire with only the help of their loved ones and a shoddy connection from Metro PCS. Then it's off to the mall to hawk some branded items, but not before Malarkey reveals his chef rankings for the season. Our blood... is boiling. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crapins Add Free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts. It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off. Voice only. Launching during pride. Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chas, and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Watch Your Crappins, a podcast about all that crap we just love to watch on Bravo. I'm Ben Mandelker of the Real Housewives of Kitchen Island. New episode is up, it's on YouTube, but I also put it on the full episode on IGTV on

my Instagram account. So go check that out because it's fun. And also joining me is the wonderful and amazing Ronnie Karam of the Rose Pricks Bachelor's podcast. What's going on Ronnie? What happened? Did you have a restful weekend? in the carom of the Rose Pricks Bachelor Rose podcast. What's going on, Ronnie? Well, how been? Did you have a restful weekend? I did.

I had an amazing weekend. I'm taking piano classes in quarantine time. So yeah, that's working out. I feel like a little kid. Every day, it's like, do your scales. Ah! And I sing along with them like Erica, doing her warm-ups in vocal class. What'd you do?

Let's great. Well, after we finished up with our live show on Friday night, which by the way, thank you to everyone who joined in on that. That was so fun. Go check that out, our Beverly Hills thing, and that's a crap and it's on demands, that's on Patreon. Dotcom slash watch a Crapians. I spent a lot of the weekend playing Animal Crossing. Unlike you, I'm not doing

anything to enhance my life beyond the activity that I'm doing. So I just played the cartoon. Well, that's the other thing. Since I released the cartoon on Friday, I was like, I am doing nothing this weekend because I worked really hard in it last week. So I just spent like all of like Saturday and Sunday playing Animal Crossing. I literally spent the entire time like redecorating my island. I was like I wanna make my house fancy so I like put in bricks and made fountains and stuff like that.

Like I acted as if I were in my own episode of House Hunters and it was rewarding for me. It was very, very rewarding. Well, there you go, everybody. So what else is rewarding? You know what? Only your small businesses rewarding. We are doing a small business shout outs here

and we've got a bunch of them. So thanks everybody for sending these in. Go support your favorite small business that you hear here, guys, because there's a bunch of Gerald Deans. Who need you? The first one I've got is called Carson Reads Dance Fit and Fun, and it's Carson spelled K-A-R-S-O-N-R-E-E-D-S. Carson Reads Dance Fit and Fun. She teaches dance fitness in Wilmington, North Carolina, but since obviously we're stuck at home, she's doing all the classes via Zoom and she's offering

recorded classes for people to do later. So if you want to dance, classes are only five bucks each. And you can find out more info on her Instagram, which is at Carson Read Dance Fit Fun. Oh, excellent. Everyone go check that out. I've got one from Tomeco Jadry, whose mother-in-law has a small business in a small town north of Toronto. We were supposed to go to Toronto,

and unfortunately, that I got postponed. So she hasn't been able to have her store open since the pandemic started, and it's called Kimberly Kelland Fashions. It's on Instagram, and she's been working really hard to hustle baby, to get her orders done, but she's taking orders through Instagram apparently. And so go if you want some,

if you want some fashions, then go visit Kimberly Kelland over there, Kelland over on Instagram. Yeah, and so far you've exercised, you've gotten some new fashion, so why not get drunk, okay? This is a Camp cocktail company called Troop and they're based out of San Francisco, Yeah, and so far you've exercised, you've gotten some new fashion, so why not get drunk? Okay? This is a Camd cocktail company called Troop, and they're based out of San Francisco, and they can send you cocktails anywhere in California.

Okay? So just look that up, Troop. Yeah, and then we have Sarah Sharp, who has, she owns a small business in Chicago called 444 Evergreen, which is 4444evergreen.com And she basically, she sells active wearer to men and women since no one's going to gyms right now. Her sales are sort of hurting at the moment. So and on top of that, she's supposed to get married this summer and we'll probably have to postpone Which is why she says this season of Vanderpump is extra triggering on top of the base level trigger that's

Causing so extra triggering on top of the base level trigger that's cause causing. So she says, since I know all of your listeners have been have to be amazing. I'd love to offer a 20% discount code if you give me a little shout out on the pod. Listeners can use the code. Crapins 20 for 20% off everything in addition to free shipping. So guys, go help us. Sarah and get some active wear because you will want to be active after this all ends and we've been eating pasta for, you know, it's 45 months. Yeah, no kidding. Okay, everybody, so those are those. I think that's all we have to show today.

Get your videos of all our, you know, a couple of recaps a week over at Crappens, Crappens on Demand on Patreon. Or we have the full season of Tiger King up there. We recapped all the episodes on Patreon and they're available as videos also except for the first episode they're all available over on crap and on demand and we both do cameos so if you need cameos for a friend give us a call okay Ben let's get on with the show shall we yes well last week we didn't do a full recap of Top Chef because we wanted to, you know, show some love to Atlanta because the week before that We didn't do Atlanta and that was a huge error on our on our end because Atlanta was terrible and Top Chef was hilarious last week Well, guess what? Top Chef was amazing again this week

So we're doing Top Chef a full Top Chef today And we're gonna put Atlanta with Shaws on the next episode because Atlanta honestly the finale gonna put Atlanta with Shaw's on the next episode because Atlanta, honestly, the finale wasn't too good. It wasn't worth it. Shaw's and Top Chef were good enough, Top Chef was so good, it would just put up in cruel to not cover it to have another, for a lame episode of Atlanta.

At the end of the day, we, this is, we are Bravo fans and we have to ultimately, like, the things that get us excited are the things that we have to recap You know, so that's why we are here today for Ultra-malarkey hate fest 2020. Yeah party. It's gonna be like a my end Yeah party and we also do have an extra episode this week because we will be both housewives of New York and Beverly Hills are on. Don't worry, there's plenty of content coming. But for now, we talked about this a little bit on the last Atlanta recap.

We did talk about Top Chef a little bit. So we went over all this Malarkey throwing the end of the bus. Yeah. Which was, you know, very much more hierarchy. Most more hierarchy. Yes. More hierarchy, more hierarchy. Yeah, so we start with that.

We come backstage and everybody's pissed off in the stew room. And Voltaggio is like, well, clearly we should have communicated more, but at the end of the day, you're going to be judged by the dish you put out, most likely by my brother, which is the first time the judge is all my dishes and Malarkey's like well, you know what Leanne forgives me. We are prepared to move on from this salt crisis avoided I was like, you know, you really seem just to have a lot of that that's clearly ways heavily on you Brian

Malarkey that you fucked up her dish, which admittedly, she has to take full responsibility for her, but you did fuck it up, and on top of that, not only did you fuck it up, but then you points at other parts of her dish that you didn't touch that were bad. So you don't, this clear does not weigh on you. Yes, and Valarkey, you know, when people come back to this,

so they're obviously traumatized by the last time they were on and the internet victory all speed their way Feud at them and gennitz an example this year where she comes back and say well, you know people didn't like me so much last time But fuck that you know what me on more fucking page and so god fucking damn it, right? But Malarki was traumatized too, but he's one of those people that instead of really changing He just says things that he's he says things like he's changed of those people that instead of really changing, he just says things that he's, he says things like he's changed pretty hasn't. Like, I'll keep saying, now I know that sounds like I'm being a dick, but I'm not being a dick.

I'm just telling you the truth. And he just says that over and over. It's like, now it's worse because you're catching yourself being a dick and you're still being a dick. Okay, just noticing that you're being a dick doesn't mean you're not being a dick. He's definitely pulling a bend mandal curve move by doing that because that's like one of my favorite things. Like I know I sound like I'm being a dick, but I really am not. But anyway, he's an asshole who should be thrown into the water.

No, but that's he is doing that. And on top of that, like I was really worried when we did the preview for this season, we spent like, I don't know, 25 minutes, just talking about why we hated Malarcha and why we hated his bio. And I was afraid that this season would begin and he would be like fine. And then we would just be two assholes. But I feel like he has not only met our expectations, but exceeded them in ways that I couldn't even imagine.

Like he's actually worse than he was the first time around. I don't even, I don't have the memory to go back that far and remember just how terrible he was. I do remember that I hated his guts and wanted him to, you know, drown in a vat of candle wax, but that's about it. Well, he was annoying last time. And I remember I did not like him.

He's like, oh, shut up, Malarkey. But this time he's actually annoying and then has the ego of someone who feels like he's actually above this entire competition, right? Like, cause he's been a judge on the tastes with Anthony Bourdain. And he had like a very successful frant like a group of restaurants for several years in like San Diego and even up here in LA. And so I think that he thinks that he is almost like, like he's the big fish in the small pond.

I think and it's like you are not. You're actually like a small fish in a gutter that's near a pond. Yeah. Sorry everybody. But I mean, I have to reach for the mute button before it just sneezes on your face. During a pandemic, it was mal a pandemic. It was caroo.

It was malarkey. It was malarkey to it. And by the way, I should say that the gutter that's next to the pond, all the other chefs are in the pond. He's the one that's in the gutter. I don't want to imply that everyone on top chef is in the gutter next to the pond. Yeah. So we start with Brian and Leanne hugging it out.

And Leanne is talking to Jen at the house and she's still stressed out about it of course and she's like, well I guess it was my fault for not communicating exactly what I wanted and Jen's like, you know what? Sometimes you just gotta fucking grow up here, Leanne, alright? Like what are you just gonna cry all over the goddamn floor? Someone's gotta clean that up, alright? So just, you know, grow up here. You know who I believe in?

Me, that's who, Jen. I've got two answers to you in my name. You want to fuck believe in me, that's who, Jen. I've got two ends at the end of my name. You want to fuck with that? I don't think so. Leanne is definitely in stage three pillow clinging alert. Like every scene I feel like is her on a couch with one foot tucked under her leg and just holding onto a pillow for your life.

Yeah, plus her heart. Yeah, plus her heart. Then Jen starts saying how she's like, yeah, you know, tap-shap is a lot harder this time around. I mean, this time I'm trying to plan a wedding, trying to help my sister, trying to build a log cabin somewhere. I got to hang nail. It's just a tarp. If you ever tried Bacchemy, Goddamn, can we just buy a plant hook? Like, why do I have to make a Bacchemy? You know, I do everything around here. And, you know, I got a hot mother fucking fiance. So there's that, and they show her fiance,

and I was like, oh my God, whatever personality changes she did to attract that man. Yeah, it worked. Shear some tits. It works. So as soon as they showed that, by the way, I was like, okay, this means that Jen is either flying or she's winning. And we're going to see, we're going to find out very quickly, right?

Yeah. This, yeah, that was basically like her phone call to home scene where you know that she's going to leave, but everybody has a phone call home because guess what? In the kitchen, everyone else gets really cheap phones. Yeah. Yeah. So basically everyone goes in for the quickfire and everyone's like, where's Padma? Why isn't anyone silently judging me at the moment?

And they all, like, they're all these phones everywhere, so they all start picking up the phones. And then, like, Eric's wife calls him and he's like, oh, hi. And then Nini gets a call from her mom and she's like, who is this? And her mom's like, you don't recognize your mom's voice. She goes, no. And I love how everybody's confused by the phones because they're not iPhones.

They're like, Metro PC. Can anybody tell me how to answer this thing? What the hell? Yeah, everyone's very, very confused. I'm confused too. Like I cannot believe Top Chef let Metro PCS into their branding. I know it was cricket busy.

I mean, gee. I know. I guess money is money, but like, I mean, Top Chef is definitely the iPhone of cooking shows. And Metro PCS is definitely like worst cooks in America, right? So this is like very odd. Hey, I used to feel as mayonnaise. This episode was actually...

The whole show has been a little bit on the food network side this season a little bit. Even the challenge later where they have to come up with a product and sell it, that's straight up food network star. That is a full on food network star challenge. I was a little surprised about it. I mean, I don't mind, but just thinking academically, cause why not?

Well, I think people missed a big chance there. I mean, they didn't specify food products, you know? Yeah. I mean, invent a vibrator or like invent a chicken. Yeah. Or like a phone, you know, with an eye in the front. Something, come on. A phone.

So everyone's like, everyone's here and they're love one calls and Brian has like, no one loves me, I'm not getting any calls. And you just know that like somewhere like Michael Voltage is just holding onto that phone, just like not calling, just to screw his brother up. Yeah, of course my brother would try to get me to call him on a fucking Android, you know. So then Karen doesn't talk to her husband either. She's like, oh, hi, it's my sister. I guess my husband's still mad.

I said that now that she's gone, I can breathe again. Yeah. I guess my husband's still trying to figure out that Kelly Clarkson referenced that very obvious Kelly Clarkson reference I made that she did not get So they're all talking and then Padma just like Whisk into the kitchen and she's like hey chefs tell your loved ones that you'll have to call them back a famous person speaking now All right everybody put down your poor people phones I'm sure speaking to loved one sounds pretty good right now almost as good as a bowl of old spaghetti does to gal

Am I right? Must be nice speaking to loved ones instead of a twin who didn't have time for you That goes out to both Bran Voltageau and Nilu that goes out to both Brian Voltaggio and Nilo. Today, we want you to dial in on your communication skills, using a super reliable network. We're gonna play a little game. Line, what is it? Telephone, telephone. We're gonna play a game that poor people play.

It's called telephone. They don't have access to email. Paddy Cake wouldn't give us any licensing deals, so we're stuck with telephone, right? We're going to use your phone from our friends at Metro, and no, I will not say the rest of their name because it's beneath me. Your family has been trapped inside of a restaurant, and they've been guarded by the cartel.

Good luck, everybody! Your loved ones are in a well-known restaurant, and don't worry, we've eluded all the things and they've been guarded by the cartel. Good luck, everybody. Your loved ones are in a well-known restaurant and don't worry, we've loaded all the famous people to avoid all costs. So everybody, all their family is across town at Mocha. Yes, just my hair. We like that little restaurant. Yeah, very, very expensive. Very expensive bread.

You can order an olive oil loaf of bread. It's like a little loaf of bread that comes out in all of like baked in it. It's so delicious. And it's like a million dollars. So that's how I think it is. That is actually true. So there's like a complex of like the three restaurants.

It's Pizzeria Moza, Osteria Moza, and then place called cheesebacca. Like all the next two, they're all clumped together. And at cheesebacca, Nancy Silverton herself, who's a guest judge, has a focaccia that costs $18. That's no joke. And when, and I know this because I've gotten it, because it's one of those things,

you're like, it's $18, that's crazy. And then you wind up getting it because you're like, what does $18 for Katcha taste like? I mean, it's delicious. It is delicious. It's really delicious. It is delicious. But there's a whole story about how she went to LaGuria,

and then she saw this method, and they get the dough, the flour from here, and all this bullshit. You know, best of all. Yeah, so much bullshit. But they do put very good olive oil on it, and you know, it's like $12 worth of olive oil, because it really is a pool of olive oil on it. And you know, it's like $12 worth of olive oil because it really is like a pool of olive oil that you're dipping in.

Anyway, we love that place. Also another thing every time I see Nancy Silverton, A, like why are you wearing parrots suddenly, like stop it. And also prosciutto with melon. So we went there with friends and someone ordered prosciutto with melon and like that's a very standard Italian dish, right? So generally, the slices of prosciutto is prosciutto,

you know what I'm saying, prosciutto is. And then the melon is usually like little melon balls or something, well, she serves gigantic slices, like full on humongous slices of canelo and then wraps them in Pursuit it's not good Nancy's my point and every time I see her I think of terrible barrettes and clunky Melon and prosciutto Clunky melon prosciutto, you know, I don't love canelo so, so I just, in general, find Melon Pajudo a little off-putting.

And I know it's a classic thing, but so I already am like, anti-it. Well, there you go. Just playing that out there. So yeah, there you go. You don't even need to judge on that, cause you just don't like it to begin with. But then I think of, she has this,

at Pizzeria Mosa, she has this Butter Scotch Budino, which is like probably one of the most famous desserts in Los Angeles because it is so good. And that like you forgive any sins that she has ever had, what do you have that Butter Scotch Budino. And in fact, since we're all at home, that recipe is actually available online. You just do a Google search for it, you can make it at home and I've made it at home. And it turns out pretty damn well, it's actually not that hard, it's just you just have to have a lot of like milking cream and like butter and sugar on it. Yeah, I made it like probably about 10, I think it's on my blog, if you do like a search

on B side blog for like adventures in domesticity which was like my ongoing column where I would cook from home. And so anyway, the point is this butter sc got Spadino guys, it's great. Yeah, there you go. So the challenge is all their family is eating a dish and they have to talk on their adroids to the people and get a good description of it and then make the dish based on the description.

Yeah, which is, it's a whole layer, I love this challenge already. Like, first of all, also the food comes, the food looks amazing. It made me so sad that we can't go out to restaurants right now. But excuse me, I just had like a burp. Apologies, everyone. All this talking about food.

There's basically like a pork dish, a fish dish, and a steak dish. And so they're all calling. So Brian Malaraki calls up his wife. And speaking on the phone with his wife her name is shantel. She looks Terrified of him. She looks like she has basically Medicated herself to the point where she can like deal with Malarkey and his frenetic energy. Yeah She's definitely one of those LA wives. It's like wow. I married a TV star

And looks just like horrified. Like, she's just realized she could have done so much better. And I think that he wakes her up in the middle of the night. Like, honey, time for some Botox. She's like, no, because the way that he says the couple that, like Botoxes together, I guess, you know, dyes together. I don't know. I can't think of a rhyme, but they're both addicted to Botox,

and they're both terrifying looking, and they both need to stop it, okay, both of them. Yeah, but she looks like the victim of it. Like, he looks like the perpetrator of it, and because he's on the phone, and he's asking, just the way he asks his questions is annoying. He's like, what kind of bone is it? Big bone little bone.

Pepper corn crust, what's it across, huh? What sort of, was there a green on it? Like is it with, what's going on there? And you're like, oh my god, like, he's just like assaulting. Yeah, I'm just like, I don't know this fork just keeps hitting me in the face. Like, yes, I mean, I told the fork to do that. Right, just, just trust me. We're testing it out on you first.

Commissures, here comes one right now. Celebrity beef, you never know if you're just gonna end up on TMZ or trending on Twitter or in court. I'm Matt Bellasife. And I'm Sydney Battle, and we're the host of Wonder E's new podcast, Disantel. Each episode explores a different iconic celebrity feud, from the build-up, why it happened, and the repercussions. What deserve session with these feuds say about us? We're starting off with a pretty messy love triangle between Selena Gomez and Justin

and Haley Bieber, a seemingly innocent TikTok of Selena talking about her laminated eyebrows. It's snowballed into a full-blown alleged feud. But it doesn't seem like fans are letting up anytime soon. Despite both Selena and the Bieber's making public statements denying any bad blood. How much of this is teen jealousy and lovers quarreling, and how much of it is a carefully crafted narrative designed to sell albums? Follow this and tell wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon music or Wondery app.

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Nancy C. C. C. C. Stoels. Simple as rocket science. It's Dana Easey. Somebody get us 10 C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. Let's get Racy with Miss Stacy Shannon out of a cannon Anthony Incredible edible Matthew sisters and she ain't no shrinking violet koo char. We love you guys So then we got a vote Sister because of course the twins like fuck you already won that show loser have fun

So his sister comes and she's a pastry chef and he's like everyone knows two voltages but there's also a third or sister the pastry chef she's basically like that third hymn's worth or like Eli and Peyton Manning's brother like there's always like that one third sibling that never gets their moment to shine so here's Stacy's big moment. She's just always killed on Westworld. Yes, I don't totally get the reference, but I feel like it's a good one. I feel like one of our listeners did. I liked it.

You're welcome, that one listener. So, yeah, Stacy, so by the way, the fish dish is a yellowtail collar. So Stacy is like, all right, okay, here's my big moment. All right. So the fish is brand Zeno, brand Zeno, Brian, good luck. We're on Bravo. I finally got to say brand Zeno. So then we go over to Jen and her sister's there.

And it is hilarious. She's like, she's like, all right, well, there's wings on this protein. All right. So where's she going with this? And the sister's like, yeah, there's wings. Like, wing goddamn wings really. It's a white meat. I think chicken. Chicken. Well, maybe it's fish. Yeah, she's like, well, looks it's chicken. Looks like it's an interesting chicken in that. And actually it actually has fins. Have you ever seen a chicken with fins before and scales So it's a chicken fish. Okay. Oh chicken at the sea. So this must be a can of tuna fish. You got here Jen

It's like all right, so it's got a collar right so it's a yellow tail that if it's got a collar She's like, I don't know what it is. They're like horseshoes. That's what they look like She's like, I don't know what it is. They're like horseshoes. That's what they look like. You're right in the color, all right, God. And then her sister, oh, it's a dresser. Okay, it's a roasted dresser. And then she, the sister just picks up the food with her hands

and starts like turning it over in her hands and there's just sit all over her hands. Yeah, I don't know why she's doing it. I guess maybe she's trying to understand the texture, but she's just, she's in this beautiful restaurant. She's rooting through it with her fingers, like everywhere. And then she's like, okay, all right, I got one fork, one wine glass.

She's like, okay, you're about to know who's that. All right, don't give a shit about that. My napkin just fell on the floor. Is that essential? Focus on the chicken fish, all right. There is a draft in the room. I think it's about 69 degrees in here right now, Jen, so that might be important.

And Leanne's mom is so cute. She is so cute. She's like this little tiny lady, and she used to watch Julia Child every day when Leanne was coming home from school. The mom was watching Julia Child, so she's like, we've got this, we've got this. Yeah, no, she is so, so sweet. And Neenie's mom also, I love Neenie's mom, because she's like very, first of all, she, so sweet. And Nini's mom also, I love Nini's mom because she's like very, first of all, she looks so young. And she's also like, you can't tell she's sort of like,

hold, like she carries herself, like she's Lucille Bluth, right? Like a little bit. Yeah, I was gonna say she's my mom. Like this is basically Nini with my, because when they've mentioned that their, her mom was coming, Nini's like, oh shit, my mom is going to totally boss me around.

Because Neenie's just so meek and sweet, you know, with her little glasses and like her wacky clothes from the 50s. And then her mom's like, all right, where's my wine? Yeah, pretty much. And giving her like the wrong information. She's like basically saying it's not a Rougala, et cetera, et cetera. So cetera. So then meanwhile Brian is still pestering his wife. He's like, okay, in the beans, is there any kind of material in the beans? Mike, Chantal's like, I'm not quite sure material, like tin foil, is that what you're asking?

He's like, oh, come on. So then he picks up someone else's sauce in the kitchen and he just starts spooning through. He puts a spoon in there and he starts looking through and he's like, hmm, what's in this? I'm like, that is so shady. Like, it's one thing, like when Nini looks over at Greg's area, I just sort of see, it's like, okay.

And there's sort of like, everything's above board, but like, it's an unattended pot and he's just like looking through it. It just felt so... Smart man, yeah, so bright. And then Kevin's like, my wife is an incredible communicator. She is an attorney.

We communicate really well. It's what makes our marriage so successful. Objection. She's like, hmm, I'm tasting. What else do you see? What I'm tasting, I'm tasting a tort. Like, oh, so you're eating a tort? No, I'm just a complaint. I'm tasting a I'm tasting a tort like oh, so you're eating a tort No, I'm just a complaint. I'm tasting a complaint right now

I'd like to sustain this for a minute Kevin. Could you just sustain it for one minute? I'd like to approach the bench please can I do that? I like to break for recess So yeah, so then Leanne lands mom is very cute and the best part is that like at one point So her mom is like really good with all the ingredients except she says it's soy sauce instead of a balsamic Reduction and then or or marinade marinade. So then like she just starts eating and so she puts her She does such the the total mom thing She puts her phone down on the table like face up and then just starts eating and

Leigham's like, Hey, mom, mom, you there, mom, you there, mom, mom, mom. And then finally she picks it back up. It's like, can you hear me? And she's like, yeah. She's like, are you still there, Leigham? And it's like, yes. Okay. So then, um, oh, wait, maybe it's Karen's sister, whose hands were all in her food.

Was it Karen? No, no, no, it was Jen's sister. It was Jen's sister. Yeah. So then Voltajio's like, well, I look around the kitchen and the other chefs are making Hamachi, and I've got Branzino, so great. My sister said it was a croissant fish.

Where am I supposed to go with that? You know, meanwhile, like, Stacy just texted Michael, be like, ha ha, got him. He's like, thanks, sis. Thanks, sis, remind me to take you to the exact place where I skydow from. I'll finally tell you where that was. Meanwhile, yeah, Michael Votaggio is literally in the air in a parachute, making the exact same dish perfectly. He's like, I don't know. I was pretty easy for me to figure it out. It was Tomachi, right? I got it up here in the sky. Anyway, just landed. Yeah. So they all start getting pictures of their food that they were supposed to be making. Oh, and a lot

of them did a really good job. Yeah, exactly. So Padma comes in and she's like, please welcome back award winning fancy Fakacha chef, Nancy Servicin, hi Nancy. Oh, and I just thought, well, Nancy is just wackier than ever. Nancy's one of those ladies who's like,

I'm rich and successful. Should I wear bikinis everywhere or baby doll dresses with collars and berets. I'm gonna go with B and give me some crazy glasses while we're at it. She terrifies me. She seems very, very scary. Like I feel like she would yell at me for no reason.

Well, she always seems like super anti-like and really sweet back in the day when she started coming on this show, especially during masters, because she was working with her bestie at that. I forgot who her bestie was, but the one she opened, Border Grill West, it's not her. No, no, no, that's, that's, God, the Border Girl women, I'm suddenly forgetting their name. Oh, then that's why, okay, I think I got her.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, you're right. Who's who is nephew the border girl, the border girl woman, the one who Susan, you're thinking of Fennegger. Fennegger, Susan Fennegger, her nephew by the way, is Ben, I forgot his last name, but he's on Superstore and he was on Mad Men, how about that? Oh, I'm gonna look him up, nephew. Susan Fennegger and then I forget the other ladies name.

The tall one. Her nephew is actor Ben Feldman. Oh, well, that's Feldman. Ben Feldman. I love Suzanne Fennegger and I can't look up. Oh yeah, okay. Suzanne Fennegger and the other one. I feel so bad.

I think the other one. I watch her crap and Google show. Yeah, he's super cute to spend Feldman. Right. Mary Sue Milliken. He's adorable. Yeah, Mary Sue. Okay. Yeah. So no wonder she got bitchier because it's not Susan Finnecker. Because it's not so good. It happened to her. Well also Nancy Silverton lost a huge amount of money due to Bernie Madoff, I believe.

So that probably embedded her too. She's like, well, he may take my money, but he's not taking my barats. Am I right, everyone? $18 for Kacha. Guess what? Thanks to Bernie Made, this is the Made of Kacha's, now $97. Yeah, she also actually came out, she mentioned on the show that she came out with a gelato. She came out with that gelato a few years ago.

I know this because, again, going back to the blog, her PR rep sent me a batch of it to review, and it was really good good but it was really expensive and I just remember that my review was like well this is very good but for this price money it's ridiculous so I can't imagine anyone buying I did something really bitchy about it. Just probably look back at it be mortified. Fancy Nancy. Fancy Nancy.

Let's see so she's like welcome back for rats. Okay so judging they go to vote first and um, um, uh, Padden was like, so bold, she didn't notice the caller. Nancy sure did. She put it on. Wow, Nancy, a caller on a dress. Looks great. And Nancy just looks at it because, well, this is not the dish. It's like, no shit. Sure. A lot. It shit sure. It literally looks like something else, but it is delicious. Yeah. Of course Melissa does well because Melissa does everything amazingly. Yeah. She's probably the one to be at this point. And it looks just like it. Yeah. And then Karen's

like, well my sister said it was tomato sauce. And um, yeah, Nancy goes, Nancy's like like, what did your sister tell you about the sauce of air day? And Karen's like, well, I asked her quite a few times if she was short, wasn't cilantro and she was short, was not. I'll just... But all that rage up again, it's almost like going back to last week when no one gave me counter space. And I have a games beard award and then we give me counter space. We go over to Jen and she's like, my fucking sister said it was a goddamn chicken. So that's what I was working on. and back to last week when no one gave me counter space. And I have a game spirit award. And then we give me counter space. And we go over to Jenner, like my fucking sister said it was a goddamn chicken.

So that's what I was working with. So here, thanksgiving dinner, according to her. And Nancy's like, well, there was a salsa Faraday, but she did a great job, especially considering it's, you know, starting with chicken. Eat my gelato. All right. So I've got to say about this.

Um, and, uh, and so the, and the Nini's also looks excellent. Um, and, uh, Nancy can't believe it. Like everyone missed the balsamic marination. She's like, well, everyone missed the balsamic. This is crazy. I'm like, because this was a marinade. I mean, like, it's hard to track that, you know, anyway. Was I thought it was a sauce or something?

Was it, oh, maybe it was something else I was a marinade where she was just like, I can't, oh, no, it was something else later on where she said that. You're right. It was a sauce. Yeah, I must have been a sauce, but I think when people have a balsamic reduction, sometimes they don't understand what it is because they're used to like, just regular balsamic. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But I don't know. So then Malarki's trying to be all charming and he's like, well, this was a very fun marriage counseling session. So I'd like to thank you for that very much. I ordered 10 more shots of Botox my wife to

shut her up. Am I right? Yeah, thanks for the counseling by wife's lips. Now look like two gigantic butt cheeks slapping up against each other. So thanks guys. Yeah, and then Nancy's like, well, you know, I mean, the thing is, you know, the beans, well, in this dish, when people don't realize that the beans bring a lot of flavor because they're actually cooked in the pork. So the beans are really important. And Brian goes, yeah, she couldn't get me to that.

I'm like, you know, ew, ew, you're gross. Your wife is not a chef. She's not like trained to know that the beans are cooked in the pork. So don't say she couldn't get me to that. Like this implication, like that this was a failure on her. Yeah, he's gross. And then let's see, Pat most basically like,

well today was really about here could give us the closest rendition. And then we just see Kevin standing in the line laughing and nodding like, oh, you have Pat most of what I was telling everyone too Pat Ma. And I don't know why he's making me some abs a season. He's like every time you look at him, he's like mugging like, oh, it's just gonna say that. It's like, just stand there Kevin, like everybody else, dude. Be still Kevin.

And by the way, Stephanie, her boyfriend or her husband, I forget what he is, but he's also like a chef. And so he did really well in describing. But the thing is that Stephanie also did the pork chop. And this is where Nancy says, you know, the only thing that he didn't pick up on is that the ridiculous marinade in all of well-bossemic and rosemary. He did not pick up on those three things.

I was like, how was he supposed to pick up on the ridiculous marinade in all of well-boss emic and rosemary? Nancy. I mean, come on now. It's a good way to miss a ridiculous one, but you know, everyone did get the final front, so that's nice. It's amazing that no one picked up on the fact that we seared the pork for about five minutes on one side and two minutes on another and then just lightly glazed it with a gentle mix of sugar and

fennel and cinnamon but only about a quarter of a teaspoon of cinnamon. No one really got into that. I've seen all her food laid out like that really did just make me want to make something so rich because her food is so rich. It's like here's some butter and everything's like done in bacon, but I mean it's just so rich and delicious. Yeah, looks amazing. So Brian is on the bottom obviously because he made a totally different fish and then yeah because basically Brian made a Branzino so panicus so Obviously that was our least favorite dish. So just think about that for a second. I'll call up Hey look, I'm gonna call up Michael Votager on my iPhone because I don't use a metro PCS for

Famous person hey Michael look what your brother did. He's the only one who messed up look And Nancy's like oh gosh Voltagio. Oh your croissant fish. I mean just get out of here. Oh, yeah, okay, so where am I so Melissa's yours was really close and Leanne's coach coached her very well Even though she went Asian, but she still got the nuances. You got that you mommy That was the first draft of boom, boom, pow, via black copies. You got that umami. You got that umami.

Whatever that's not what I'll stop. So you're a third two thousand and late. So, Gales wardrobe experience. Well, this was Fergie. Licious. Thank you G L a M on board so That's how she sings all her produce logs So then announced he was like Kevin that pork was outstanding. Plus, it looks perfect.

And I love that you've just been nodding so excitedly the whole time for no reason. So you get the win in $10,000. Thank you for not wrapping your heart. Kevin, you, you remind me of my favorite dashboard toy. So since you're nodding so much I'm gonna give it to you hey Kevin aren't you gonna do blast hands? No? All right, well that was a waste of a win Hey Kevin do you want to do a So ironic wiping the sweat off your brow moment? No, okay fine. He does do that

your brow moment. No, okay, fine. He does do that. He does blessed hands. Ironic sweat wiping and the grab your heart. He and Eric both do the like, Oh, that touched my heart. Oh, yeah, yeah, my heart. Eric does the grab the heart. They go, he does do that a lot. It makes me crazy. Hey, when people do that and blessed hands, even gale does bless hands later. I'm like, shut up, Gale, with your blessed hands. You're not you'll want to foster. Hey Kevin. Hey fat man not doing blessed hands. Will you please call your wife back and tell her that you want. We just want to see if you'll make a fool of yourself again. Thanks.

So in today's day and age chefs, the most successful chefs are also entrepreneurs. For example, me, I sell white rice in the frozen food section. Look at that. I'm rich. And look at Gail. She sells edible shoes at Floreshaw. So Nancy's like, well, I'd probably assume you know that I'm the creator of a library of bakery. That's all right. Like, yeah, I've had lots of your dry bread, okay? Can I suggest maybe putting a carrot in the bag or something to keep that shit moist? Because by the time I get it, it's always fucking dry, Nancy. So the chef's has to create a signature specialty product and then build a dish to highlight it. And then what's going to happen is they're going to bring it to the century city mall and

then there'll be all these diners. They're all going to have like a ticket. And at the they will put give it they'll they'll it's basically a vote They basically vote for their favorite, you know, and whoever has the most votes is gonna win. Yeah Um, you'd love or at least like you see you I mean he's like so Jesus my mom's gonna be so mean to me I just think my mom would be so bossy and so drunk. Okay. So then it's Whole Foods. They go to Whole Foods, they're running around like madmen

and Jen is starting saying, you know what? I've like worked with a lot of brands before, you know, like, Rebermaid and Alpo and Staples, you know? I'm like, you just can't make something in 24 hours. I was like, this combined with their story about building a cabin or whatever that was, bad news for Jen, this is not going well. Yeah, and Kevin's like, I'm gonna make chicken and waffles.

I'm gonna just write, you're on with your chicken and waffles. Talk about food network. Yeah. Talk about food network. I mean, like, listen, chicken and waffles is divine, but like that is what everyone on the food network makes on Food Network Star. Like today, like, listen, chicken and waffles is divine, but like, that is what everyone on the food network makes on food network star.

Like, today I'm making a chicken and waffles taco. Yeah, it's like great. And Nini is gonna make McMom, Nick mom, which is so good. And which is a Vietnamese dipping sauce and some ribs. And then Jen drops a whole thing of olive oil and the whole foods that it breaks all over the floor. And I'm like, who you're talking about a nomen.

Yeah, and then we had this like seen, a scene that they like tees and they coming up on poor people cooking, Nini goes up to the butcher and says like, she orders a bunch of ribs and says like, don't give them to anyone else, okay, see this face? Don't give them to anyone else. So I was just like waiting for Brian Malarkey

to go steal the ribs. I was waiting for either one of the Brian's to steal those ribs, actually, because Brian Voltageo acts nice, but he's really a prick. I would don't think that, I mean, I don't think that Brian Voltageo would steal the ribs.

I think that maybe, like, I think if it's not gonna be Malarkey, he would steal the ribs, it would be like, I mean, I think it would just have to be Malarkey. I can't imagine anyone else. I can't even think of anyone else who would maybe Jen actually of all people. Yeah, so I did for all I wrote was Mimi is dressed in a gale jumper. It's like, okay, I love you, but there's just a time to just say no, okay. Yeah, so kitchen the family rides in the kitchen to help them and Everybody first cooking stuff. Yeah, it's like cook this hogs. There's cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking

And Leanne basically She is making a mapo sauce, which is like a sexual one thing. And she's making a ton of it, 20 quarts, and she has to make 150 dumplings. So it's like a whole bunch of stuff that she has to do. So her mom is there cooking away, and so cute, so cute. And then Malaraki, he's just bossing around Chantel. He's like, cut this really small. Cut this really small, put it all together,

and the magic happens, just do that, just do that. I'm like, you're so awful, even when you're just saying simple commands I know did you catch the looks you gave the camera she's like oh help she's like blinking six times for help yeah she's like and then he's like well my product is gonna be named after our twins sailor and miles and it's gonna be called smiles. Get it! It's a cute name to your son, sailor. And smile.

Are you fucking kidding me with this? Seriously, and then he goes, this is all malarca-ding. Get it, malarca-ding, malarca-ding. I was like, I get it, and I wanna forget it. You know, that's what I'm saying. Get it and forget it. Sailor and Miles, why was it,

wouldn't you think at that point, your kids would be named sailor and Miles, why is it, wouldn't you think at that point, your kids would be named Sailor and... Oh, is it Miles? Oh, you're right. Sailor and Miles, I wrote Sailor and Miles. Okay, Sailor and Miles. No, it's Miles with them together, but we shouldn't be like Sailor and Fathoms,

or like Sailor and not. Sailor and rocks. I just feel like a, they're like the new campaign. It's his attempt to be famous. Like he's he's like I'm to prove that I'm famous I'm gonna name one of my kids a very non-traditional Yeah, just in case I ever meet Guinness. I can be like hey, maybe Apple should hang out with sailor, you know Maybe they'd get along

Oh gosh, so yeah, so anyway, everyone's cooking and it starts to get really hot in there and Leanne's mom starts to get hot And then she starts to faint and it's like really scary Yeah, and everyone's so nice on this season. Everyone helps her. She thinks she has to leave because obviously she's you know Can have a heart attack or something. So everybody else helps Leanne finish, which is great But um I worry for Leanne because that happened to her last time and look what happened Yeah exactly but I worry for Leanne because that happened to her last time and look what happened. Yeah, exactly. So, luckily the mom is okay and luckily Leanne was there to actually like to like, savor from falling to the floor, you know, which was very scary. So everyone's helping her, although I'm not sure if I saw him a larky helping, which is pretty unbrand for him. Yeah. And then they keep showing like Jen with her sister, because Jen's making this like

And then they keep showing like Jen with her sister because Jen's making this like Sunny lemon ginger thing and she keeps saying that's this it's sunny. It's sunny. It's sunny I'm like I don't turn to Jen for a sunny. You know that's this is already a problem But Jen should be more like Like bourbon with dirt. Yeah, you know like drink up, you fucking pussy. I've given everyone a shot. All right, that's my product. It's a fucking shot. Take it shut up. Call it the take it and shut the fuck up shot.

How about that? Yeah. That's also, I don't really want to eat the sun. You know, I think of sun and I think, ow, or I think like fire, or I think like skin cancer. You know, like, I don't want to eat the sign. Yeah. Or also to be honest, I mean, I also don't lemon ginger, I think it's sort of a

cool idea for a condiment to be honest, but I'm not sure that I always need lemon and ginger together in my dishes. Sometimes I only need lemon, sometimes I only need ginger. So it's also a little limiting, I think, even though, just say, I put this on everything. Lemon and ginger. Let me tell you what I put it on. I put on salami, I put it on whiskey. I just, you know, I just find a rock

and I put it on it. Look at it. It's just great. Well, it's basically salad dressing. Lemon and ginger, just true. Like if you think about what she's saying, it's really just what you make salad dressing or what I make salad dressing with.

So, how, God, how, you know what, the piano, playing piano hurts your arms when you're a very weak person. Who knew? Like I just, who do? Rearranged my chair and I was like, Oh, my arm almost broke off. Why? I don't know. Okay. So Jen is making sunny. Okay. So then the larkies like faster, faster, faster go faster man help me out love help me out love I'm doing like feeling just tiny little jars of a stupid smiles relish and this wife's like I would totally buy this honey Say it again. I would totally buy this Say it again. Please don't put the fork in my lip Also, by the way if you think about it, wait, what was in it again? It was like fennel and I gotta I gotta go back What's in it? It was a fennel

Fennel olive Mustard Relish called Smiles. So I also think there's a disconnect. I feel like if I bought something called Smiles, I'm just not expecting a Fennel Olive Mustard Relish. I don't know what I'm expecting, but I'm expecting something sort of like sweet and almost like cutesy. And I just think that like,

if I got Fennel Olive Mustard Relish. I'm just not thinking I'd be calling it smiles Especially when it's made by Malarkey and you know it's gonna be his big stupid denture smile, you know Yeah, his monkey chime smile So then at the end of the challenge everyone celebrating with a drink and he's like mom I'm pouring you some wine. It's like I like white Yeah, cuz need to give her red wine like once again disappointing everyone does she disappoint you guys where she disappoints me got anyone no I'm like what are we talking about are we shaming someone come over here mom the camera people loved her mom cuz she is just what we're saying she is and they just

keep showing the mom sitting on an ice box like a nice chest smile I get the camera like can you believe this idiot So it's the next morning and now truly the most vile scene of the episode Is Malarkey is standing outside of this mansion which by the way on the first episode? I incorrectly said I thought it was American Idol mansion It's not but Malarkey is standing outside and he has a notebook and he's ranking the strongest to the weakest competitors there. And he's like, I've always been kind of a ranking guy.

I mean, like, after having spent time with these chefs, it's hard not to calibrate them, right? Like, who do you think is best? Who do you think is going home next? It's hard not to do that. I'm like, it's actually really easy not to do that. Yeah, you can be like, ooh, so and so is not doing so great. They're probably gonna be out soon, but to actually sit there and like rank,

to write down names and then put your name on the top. When you were in the bottom last week, by the way, it's so easy. You know, it's like his dear diary moment, his bowl scheme to like, guess everybody else. So funny. Yeah. Well, I mean, there's Kevin. He's one in the elimination challenge and he survived cancer. So he's got something to prove. He has fucking cancer people always trying to prove shit. And then there's a Tazio. I mean, look at him

isn't he nice? He has a twin. He's successful and better than him. So he's playing the game. Yeah. Then we've got Melissa. Oh, she's quiet, but God, she's good. She's one two elimination. She's on fire. So if my calculations are correct, my wife's lips should be about as big as two Volkswagen bumpers. And the next people to go are Leanne Stephanie and Eric. Yeah. Yeah. If my, if you know, if I'm right, I'm like, you're not right, you're an asshole. I mean, it's just so obnoxious because you kind of feel like he is coming in here, truly playing a game.

Like, he's sneaky. And it is a competition, but I don't think anyone's treating it like, oh, it's a game where I've got to like, snake my way to the top. Everyone everyone's just like I'm just trying to cook the best food. I can't yeah It's a game, but it's a game of skill, you know, yeah Um, but you know like you showed last week. It is also a game where you can get people on little technicalities like that Yeah, absolutely. I now I fully believe that he under salted liens food because he Yeah at Leanne's food because he has a list.

Yeah. And then he does his thing where he's like, hey, don't think I'm an asshole, because I'm not an asshole. Okay, we all go home except for what? I'm like, yeah, but you are like, you're scheming in like a non-scheming show. So yes, you are an asshole. So let's go to the challenge where the're at the West Fierde Mall in Symmeturistic.

Yeah, Leanne's mom is back and she's, they put her in the shade so she's good and she's ready. She spends the rest of the episode behind the cooler, just rolling out dumplings, which is so adorable. And then Malarke's with Chantal and Chantal. And she's like, he's like, okay. So see the relish has a lot of personality like our kids. Come on, say that.

I'm like, it grosses me up because, hey, we're not even sure that you're a kid's personality. So don't even say that. Second of all, it just shows how fake he is that everything is not, everything is like a slick, I wanna say sale, right? Like he's trying to, he's got like a slick, like selling point for everything,

just like he did with Ruth Ryshaw, who looked right through him when he was like, oh, this is this, you're gonna feel the magic, you're not gonna, you're like a used car salesman, right? And it's just this insincere, gross, melodic. Yeah. Greg is the cutest guy on here. He's so sweet and he's good Gregory. He's cooking with his mom. He's like, we've cooked a couple of times together. We did a James Beard dinner

This particularly was the James Beard award for Best rustic asparagus in the southeast on top of bread. So that was fun the most drastic asparagus in the southeast on top of bread. So that was fun. Oh, haha. By the way, I should also point out that Brian had Gregory sort of towards the bottom of his little list, which is ridiculous because Gregory is amazing and like came a hair away from winning his season.

So the fact that he's towards the bottom and he's been killing it all season is ridiculous. I don't think that Brian respects people who aren't like overconfident and douchey, you know? I was actually surprised that Eric was on his list, just not doing that well as well. Yeah. Well, I think that he also, I think that Brian is kind of like a good old boy. I think that he just sort of, I think he kind of just like is down with like the white guys, straight white guys a little bit. I mean, I hate to be like that and be like you know social I must say social media warrior. I'll be social media warrior But like I but I kind of get that vibe a little bit

I think he's very condescending to the women at the very least and I think that it's sort of like Interesting that he has like to very strong Black man, I hate to like be doing this. I'm trying not to that he has like two very strong black men. I hate to be doing this. I'm trying not to really enter race into this, but I did find it curious that these guys are so good, Eric and Gregory, and he puts them low on the list. I thought that was odd. Yeah, and then when he says Melissa, he's like,

you know, Melissa, she's quiet. It's like never trust a quiet woman. Yeah. Quite Asian woman. I don't know, there was just like, I'm not, I, I, I'm not saying he's racist because I don't think he's racist, but definitely in that ranking and the way he treats the women, it just sort of makes me feel like he is at the very least a little bit of a good old boy. Well, he definitely has blinding dentures. I'll

give him that. He is. He definitely white washes the situation only because his dentures are so bright. Maybe he's just so white because he uses so much teeth bleach. Yeah, yeah, exactly that. So Melissa, everybody's basically cooking and Melissa's like, oh God, my sister has a great personality. Hopefully she'll get me through the personality part of this section because he yikes. And then we start seeing everybody's food and Stephanie has made a vegetarian chili base, which how is that a product, Stephanie?

Like Stephanie, come on now. I'm like rooting for you because I love somebody who refuses to smile. Like I think that's like the best personality trade ever. Cause it's like a foil for somebody like me who's always like, hey, trying to get you to smile. And when you won't smile at me, I'm like, I'm putty in your hands.

I'll do whatever you want. Yeah. So I respect her because of that, you know? But who wants to eat vegetarian chill? Like who would buy that? What a bizarre thing to come up with. Yeah. And then you have Brian starts, he actually shows Stephanie.

He's made a Kalamari bull and a's, which I love Kalamari, I love bullenaze, but I feel like that's a very, very specific thing. And so he's disgusting to me. I'm sorry. It also does not sound great. So he, but he has a Kalamari bullenaze and he's gonna be like serving them with sea truffles. He shows it to Stephanie, and she's like, great.

And then she just goes, fuck my life. So the judges come in and Nancy is wearing a gale pattern to give gale a break and poor gale's like yeah. Can I just wear black today? You guys are really sick of fat and I'm making fun of me. Like all right, well get Nancy to do it. And meanwhile speaking of outfits, now Malarkey has, he's now put on a stupid wide-broomed hat and is wearing like a crochet for around his neck.

Everything he does. I do. Okay, so I had some trouble with my iPad keyboard. Apparently my hands were in the wrong position because I put a greater than sign and then I put kimpy peach. Oh, okay. Now I see what I'm writing actually. I'm reading my own puzzle. Yeah, Melissa kimchi peach vinegar at'm writing actually I'm reading my own puzzle. Yeah, Melissa a kimchi peach vinegar at

Yeah, I'm a fried chicken. So bad Yeah, so Padma to Padma tries and she goes I don't know I think putting your product on the fried chicken is cheating Am I right? I mean look at Gail she can't get enough of it She's making her own patterns with the crumbs give her a solid once and it's a disaster This is why you have patterns, Gale. Hide the crumbs. Gale's like the crunch with a great addition. It's fried chicken, stupid. So then we go over to Leanne and her mom's like,

I've been watching you for years. And Gale gives her the prayer hands. She's like, thank you, blessed. Thank you. Quiet, strange person her the prayer hands. She's like, thank you, blessed. Thank you. Quiet, strange person in the back there. Famous people are eating right now. Quiet, fainty. Well, I guess you weren't watching us when your eyes were closed, because you fainted. Let me guess, you kicked us a nap, am I right?

Oh, it's even watching us for so many years. How about you tell me more about Sam and Rush G. Satanic versus here's my ex. If you know me so well, tell me about that, huh? So they love their sauce, they made the Mapo sauce. Yeah. And Leanne has actually has a really good angle, which is that a Mapo sauce is something you probably wouldn't make at home.

So it's like, it's beneficial to get it as a product. And Tom really likes that. He's like, yeah, it's true. I definitely would not attempt to make this at home. And I'll tell you, someone else who wouldn't make this at home, my son, I mean, he could barely make a hot pocket, let alone a map of sauce. I'm gonna write it one high five.

That's fine. And you put a need somebody to open a can of clipsoda. My son is top of his class. So There's that Leanne your mom must be so proud to have a daughter who has achieved something in life beyond being just a mixologist Maxwell chef. So Kevin has made hot lanna hot salt. I was like, yes That's like done a zillion times sir But I like that it was stupid because it it was Kevin, not like Kevin anyway.

And also his wife, this is his wife, right? Is it his wife, Thyswin? Yes, his wife, the love. Yeah, his lawyer wife. Yeah, she's so bitchy. Someone's like, oh, is this from Atlanta? She is, yes, hence the title, Hot Lanta. I was like, whoa. She is.

Exhibit A, the title, exhibit B, guilty. You are, get on my face. I'm tasting a jerk. Gail's like, whoa, the salty spicy bits on the chicken. It's fried chicken, Gail. How many times do I need to say? And then Nancy's like, yeah, you know, you know, it really tasted Southern without tasting cliche.

You mean like Gail's dress. Mm-hmm. So then just Jen and her sister are next, and Gail just gives them a, oh no, no, I'm sorry, that was just like a little quick scene. They're like, you had to write down. Jen is putting something in a bottle. Glad I got you in there.

Jen's sister, by the way, looks pain the entire time. She's probably, the entire time her Jan's sister, by the way, looks pain the entire time. She's probably, they're tired of time. Her sister's like, oh my god, I'm so stressed out. I'm on camera. I don't like my hair today. I have to put lemon in a jar. She's bossing around.

I have so many years of resentment built up right now. And I have to pretend like I'm happy. I hate this. I hate this. I think her still smell like chicken. So Eric is next, right? Yeah. He's making doubles.

And Gail's like, right? Yeah. He's making doubles. And Gail's like, yes! Yeah. Gail and Nulu just basically have Ladyboner's for Eric. They just love everything he does. So he's making it's a fried dough called doubles. Doubles, that's called Gail's order every day. And Tom's like, well, you know, pretty good. Flavor of the sauce is great flavor. The sauce was great.

I was great. And Gail's like, he's in a happy place. Yeah, we saw we heard you, RuPaul. Okay, calm down over there. So a happy place like you at Dressburn game. So then Greg, it has made pickled pele's. Is that how you say it? Spicy, Hation pickled. Pickle, pickled of some sort. Put the real chicken. Put? Please. I don't remember.

I don't know. Pickle, pickled peelies. So, yeah, pad, you know, they love it. And, um, Nancy's like, what? You did a delicious Gregory. Nancy's like, what a handsome family, right? It's like, whoa calm down dress collar. And Gail's like, he gave us a really homie dish,

a really simple dish. Should I say how do you want to take this one, Nancy? Well, thankfully you're eating it in a homely outfit. Well done, girl. Uh-huh. You go done girl. You go girl, I learned that one from my dear friend, Queen Latifa. Sometimes I look at gal and I'm just really, it makes me feel glad. Like the glad family of bags. They love me and he's mic mom and Gail's like, wow, when that sweet smell first came

to me, it was pungent. And then it was sweet, sticky, and spicy. All right, dear diary. Next is that the way that box stays in when we had it shipped you from Kentucky. So now they go to Karen who made the so Karen Karen Karen I broke friend Karen Roe so she made with her sister it's called E.N.O. Remesco because her kids are names their first names are with E.N.O. those are their initials so they actually have normal names, not like Malarkey's there. So anyway, we've been in a Ramesco with a Parkbelly. So go enjoy. Enjoy. I do have a...

And Nancy's like, well, I make a Ramesco, and I prefer it chunkier. Okay, Nancy, have we publicized your shit enough today, ma'am? And then it cuts away to the group of gays just sitting there and going can you imagine Serving and entertaining people with this from us go they think you were so fancy am I right? I was like how do they get a version of me on there It's like that that sounds like me So then we just see Malarkey like fresh order, fennel tomato, chili, citrus sauce, and what Tom's like. Would you sell this sauce, bottled or fresh?

Not really sure what this is supposed to be. It's a soggy goddamn Andrew kid's her name, smile. Okay. Alright. I officially quit the show. Alright, I have a hand. And Brian. Yeah, that's too much for me.

So Brian's like, yeah, it's really good and fresh. And it'll make you smile. I mean, and I thought swordfish would be really amazing. And then we got this charred lemon and charred d'acuio. And it's all really, really good. And it's like another thing that Brian Marlarky does, that annoys me is he just tells you that it's good. This is really good.

It's really good. You're gonna like it. I'm like, why don't you let the judges tell you if it's really good? Because he's still in his head. Yeah, He's always selling, you know, like you said, a guy sells man. And then Padma, I like when Padma verbs the food like when she gives the food a verb. She's like, do you think it's so at fish eight greasy and then show like pick when this and then show continuously Verb only that dish throughout the episode and it cracks me up. She does it all the time.

It's like now the swordfish ate. That's in Padma's head and she's gonna say it 20 times now. I like that you verbed verb. But I didn't know how to say it, but. Yeah, no, that's true. It's like, do you think Brian swordfish ate greasy at all gal? You like greasy food. How did this rank for you? Did you like it a lot? Okay, she best truths. Do you think Brian so at fish eight greasy dog gal you like greasy food? How did this rank for you? Did you like it a lot? Okay, she loved it. It's greasy everyone

And Nancy's like yeah, he just kept repeating over and over how fresh it was but it wasn't fresh It was muted it was confusing and his wife looks like she's trapped in a glue gun It's an Italian dressing basically Blue guy. It's an Italian dressing basically, which is by the way, like the cruelest thing the Padma could say on the show. Basically, he made Newman's own. Oh my God, wasn't that funny that it's Newman's own and Voltageos, like Voltageos own. He made like his own. Yeah, it's called Voltageos own. It's like Paul Newman already did it and he did it way sexier than you lesser twin. I'm calling the estate of Joan Plough right and get a complain.

So he made a spaghetti and oh well first I eat stuff. It's definitely yeah. So she used her chili base to make like a two bean chili and homemade cracker and they basically don't like it. Nancy's like well I think it really lacks some death and complexity. The kind of death and complexity that you get when you sell an $18 cracker coated in olive oil. You know what I'm saying, everyone? From LaGoria.

And Tom's like, how does this help you? It's a product that you still have to cook everything else. You still have to cook the beans. And if you're going to put meat in it, you still have to cook the meat. It's like, yeah, but so are the other things. You still have to cook the ribs. It's like, yeah, but so are the other things. You still have to cook the ribs to put ribs sauce on ribs. Like, I felt like Tom was being really me to Stephanie on this point when he wasn't

being mean to anybody else on it. Because you know his son earlier that day was like, Dad, I got an idea. How about I come up with the chili sauce? He's like, no, I don't like it. So then when she does it, she's like, chili sauce, oh my god. No, no son, no, no.

But I think actually, I think what he was saying was that if you're going through all the effort to brown the meat and do brown, the ounce of brown, this and that, it's really not that hard just to throw in some tomatoes or throw in any other tomato sauce. Like this is not like, it doesn't, you know, it's not a huge time saver compared to others. Well, I mean, if you're making the beans from scratch

or whatever, I'm like, making waiting all day for them and then brincing them and doing all of that. But if you're just opening a can of beans and throwing them in there, I mean, I don't know. Yeah, I think that was her point later on. I think that maybe she should have, maybe she just chose a bad dish to highlight it. And so it seems kind of silly why to have it.

Yeah, so Volt is doing his Newman zone, and he's made a Kalamari spaghetti, which looks like the squid ink spaghetti that his brother loves making at his restaurant. Ink! Squid! Was his restaurant called ink or something? It was called ink, yeah.

So it's like a Kalamari bullen-a-izz, but he made like a, he has this whole thing about a spaghetti with nori and kale and that, I was like, I'm not even gonna write this down. And it's very involved and it's very scary. Yeah. I mean, it sounds delicious. It does make it seem good. I mean, scary in terms of, scary in terms of like, love stuff to put together.

Yeah. Sounds gross to me. So then, um, Kevin is like, well, we're not selling any hot salts. So nice job lawyer. Um, and then we go to Jen. Wait and make your case. Yeah. And then we go to Jen. Wait and make your case. Yeah, and then Jen is doing her sonny, sonny, sonny, sonny, everything's goddamn sonny over here.

Yeah, and it's called lemon ginger love, and it's got a skirt, she's doing it on a skirt steak, and Tom does not like it. He just feels like the sauce needs a lot of work, and he hates the texture, because apparently Jen just kind of like pureed it all together. So the ginger was just like grainy and

grainy and bitty and uh yeah And Nancy's like you know what it didn't taste sunny to me. Okay, look at me. Look at my face This is a sunny fucking face. Am I right everyone? That sauce not sunny. Yeah, so bad one's like how do you think they did? It's hard to recognize them without their cheap phones. Well, you know, some dishes were successful, and some dishes weren't so successful. Like, well, glad Tom's still here, you know, adding to it. So then we're done with the challenge.

Yeah, it's time to go to judging. So Padma's like, which dumb person things they saw the most? Razer hands, Razer hands, Gail, not you Gail. You didn't sell anything. No, Gail, we're not asking who took the most things home for free. Gail's trunk is a sunny full of sunny crap. The Gail. Who here by Razer hands, who here thinks that Gail went to Laura Ashley after the event was done?

Anyone? So everybody points to Melissa, because she obviously sold the most. And Melissa's like, I'm so proud. I really wanted a versatile product. They're like, great. Well, you still aren't in the top three. Sorry, stupid. So kind.

She sold most by far, and you don't put her in the top three. And Pradma says it's because they liked her sauce, but Kevin did a better fried chicken. Well, she goes, well, the best is they bring three other people and then, like Melissa goes the side and then she's, like it was totally unnecessary. She goes, Melissa, we loved, loved, loved, loved the sauce, but Kevin gave us a better fried chicken, ha ha, Kevin and you're loved, loved the sauce. But Kevin gave us a better fried chicken, Ha, Kevin, and you're still not in the top. Oh yeah, that's true.

Oh. Think about that, Clutch Your Hot Fat Man. So the top are Gregory, Nini, and Eric. Yeah. So Gail just loved that Gregory made something haste in. She just loved that. I just love how Gail just loved that Gregory made something haste and she just loved that. I just love how he also said everything. I was so glad you made something haste and then Tom's like,

well, you know, uh, southerners have cha cha and uh, Voltaggio brothers have pretentious, uh, fish sauces and haste and haste and have picklies. So there we go. Yeah, there we go, little history and mixologists have actually nothing. They have literally nothing except maybe lemons. They've invented something called carcassine, carcassine, don't know what that's all about. Mixologists have lots of requests in for loans of banks, so that's fine. Alright, let's start with Nene. Mixologists have unmade beds in their dad's houses.

That's what they have. So Nancy's like, Nini, your ribs were tender. The sauces were balanced. I appreciate you not trying to do anything as delicious as my gelato, which you can find stores right now. You know, the thing I really liked about your ribs was they were so shiny. They actually could have been a barrette.

I thought about putting them in my hair because they kind of look like giant meaty barrett go to it it tasted like love I mean talk about a moment for a blessed hands clap blessed classed hands tasted like love those ribs did look amazing I know you're not eating meat anymore, but man, those ribs looked. I mean, I want to eat them very badly. And then they move on to Eric and she's a gale. I was so psyched to see a double. I mean, she just makes it so easy for us. Am I right, everyone? Oh, so who's next? And then it, well, she goes, she goes, you know what, Eric, the sauce was so bright and it felt like sunshine.

And I was surprised that they did not cut away to Jen at that moment, because that should have been a T-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S- me something that most people here have not tried. Eric. Thank you. Thank you. So Nancy, with Chef one challenge, and she's like, the winner is Gregory. And he's like, well, all right. Well, feels great. Still feel the same as I did before, just perfectly even killed and happy. I wonder if Gregory just goes home and punches holes and walls because he's like the calmest, nicest person I've ever seen. And that can't be. No, he runs those, he's like, does that, he does that super

running thing. Remember if you a few weeks ago, they randomly, like, he's like making like a sufrido or something, he's like, in my free time, I like to run for 65 miles. And I was like, okay, that was a nice fact. He's just exhausted. Yeah, I think he just runs out his emotions. Oh, I should I could do that. So Stephanie Jenner, Malarkey, you're on the bottom. And Malarkey's like, um, me? No way.

Yeah, his face is like, oh my God, when he gets picked and then he looks behind him, like, is anyone else seeing this injustice? This is, there must be a mistake. I'm at the top of my own list. Liam's mother almost fainted. Are we gonna mention that? Serious.

And then he says, my product sold well and it tasted amazing. Napping a dick, just telling the truth. Like, nng, nng, nng, nng. Okay. So then Pammah does one of my favorite things. When there's someone on the bottom, and then she asks this question. Stephanie, how did today go for you?

That's good. It's like obviously not well because she's on the bottom. She's just rubbing the salt in the room. Stephanie's got mystery all over her face. She's like, I was pleased. And she's like, well, you know, your product is interesting but it's not convenient. If you've got a cookie, some meat, where's the convenience in that? And it goes like, well, it was a good chili, but it, you know, I mean but it's not convenient if you got a cook beans and meat. Where's a convenience in that?

And it gills like, well, it was a good chili, but it, you know, I mean, it's chili. And Nancy's like, there was no surprise there, honey. I mean, yeah. I mean, it would have been one thing if you opened up that jar of chili base. And there was Nancy's fancier gelato and they're available now for $24 per pint. But it wasn't there like that. And gills like, I thought it was a good chili. I don't think it differentiated itself as a beast from so many tomato sauces I've had before.

And Lord knows she's had them all. In one sitting, am I right? High five, Nancy. High five. Malarkey, how was the day for you? I found your swordfish ate oily. And he's like, um, he's like, well, uh, he's like, as a product that I mixed last night, it really broke itself down.

I'm like, so it's a bad product. You're selling it fresh and it broke down. So it's a bad product. But if my wife fucks something up, I'd be glad to tell her. So just be specific on what my wife fucked up. That would be great. Yeah, thank you. And then here's another thing I noticed about Malarkey

that he does, that we have not articulated, but I think going forward, we're gonna notice it all the time. When he gets negative feedback, he does this thing where he like leans his jaw into it with his ear, like, okay, I'm trying to listen to this ridiculousness coming my way. So he, and he like, persists his lips a little bit. So Nancy goes, I was expecting fresh and bright and I didn't feel it. And he just like leans in with his he like, purses his lips a little bit. So Nancy goes, I was expecting fresh and bright, and I didn't feel it.

And he just like leans in with his ear like, huh? Like I'm trying to hear what the idiot saying over there about my food. Once you see it, you'll never on see it, and it'll make you so mad every time it does it. Well, that was pretty muddy, Malarkey. All right. What do you want from me? And I was like, yeah, that product, who's the problem? It was confusing. I think the only thing that was more confused there was your wife who just kept trying to walk towards exit signs. It was pretty crazy. I thought it was sort of strange how you kept on dragging your wife off that escalator. I don't know why she was going that way. So then we get to Jen and Padma's like, how do you feel about the overall dish?

Spoiler alert, we hated it. So how do you feel? How do you feel about it? So Tom is asking her why she didn't strain it and she's like, I love the fucking bites in the house You're gonna get a goddamn bite of ginger and a fucking ginger sauce if you strain it what the fuck Tom? And he's like, you know ginger It's It's hard to puree completely in it. It just seemed it seemed like a mistake so And now she's like yeah, needed to be more sunny. Okay, the yogurt. Oh the yogurt god Just diluted the flavor and she's like okay

Have you thought about putting some berets on the jar? Did you think about doing that that would that make it so yeah and turns just like well I'm calm now so I'm not gonna tell this bitch to take a hike right yeah so they leave to go out to like the stew room and Stephanie she just mudders onto her breath just shoot me just shoot me and Leanne by the way immediately is like they like get into the stew room and somehow Leanne is already on the couch with the pillow in her lap It's like wow she gets that pillow quickly That's what I do is when you feel insecure about your weight

You're like this makes all the difference of the world Surely people are gonna think whoa there's Ronnie. He's chunky. They're gonna think whoa God pillows really want to hug Ronnie Yeah, Leanne is probably standing to the side during judging the entire time, thinking like, gotta get to that pillow. Gotta get to that pillow. I'm not even in the bottom, I need that pillow. God, I really didn't even realize that I'm a pillow hugger until you talked about it.

I'm like, wow, I have every pillow I see. Like I'm like that. You do. That's funny. Now that I think about it, it's when we sit in like the like backstage of our show always if we're at the there's you do always have a pillow that you're Yes, I always uncover it. I think it's like I think I do think it's like feeling over waiter whatever but it's also I don't know once you once you get used to those hugs

all the time it's like I don't even care what it is like it's like I just see my little pillow doll that you know my friend to seem as a big time pillow hugger and he doesn't have really a weight issue at all. He just loves hugging a pillow. Like anytime you see a seam on a couch, there is a pillow in his lap being like class like a teddy bear. I even have pillows in my bed that I hug. Have I ever told you my bed said that?

I have five pillows, okay? To go above my shoulders so that when I'm reading my phone, I can, they're both hard pillows, they're like those bamboo foam pillows. So I can lean my phone arm there while I'm reading. And then two are on the, oh, actually there's five. So then two are under kind of where my chest is so that I can hug them.

And then I have a body pillow. Wow. What have a body pillow that I like I got all through the night? Yeah, my pillow setup is that I've got like a big sort of a Euro sham kind of pillow, like a 26 by 26 square that has like a sort of a stiffer pillow. So it's sort of like, it's up against the wall

because I don't have an actual bed, just a bed frame. So it's up against the wall, so I can lean up against that. And then I also have like a big king size pillow that goes in front of that, that way I get lower back support if I'm sitting up, and then like the pillow that I actually like sleep on. And then there's like a small tiny throw pillow, which is stupid because it basically,

its existence is sitting on the bed like once a week and then getting flung off the bed and lying on the floor for the rest of the week until I decide to put it back on the bed to look cute again. I would horrify that the part where you're just sitting up in bed, I do not believe in sitting in bed, but I have one of those adjustable bed things because you can get them cheap on Amazon now. And I just lifted up like I'm in the hospital room.

Oh, well, yeah, you're doing the same. I have to prop myself, if I'm like reading something in bed, I cannot be like on my back. Oh, yeah, I'm reading on my back all the time. I'm a good hoe that. Oh, yeah, I'm reading on my back all the time. I'm a good hoe that. Oh, yeah. Because then you have to hold up your arms. Yeah, well, that's why I have those pillows to lean my arms on.

Because I have my Kindle, and I have pop sockets on the back of everything that I read. My Kindle has a pop socket, so it can just dangle from my hand. Is it relaxes on the... Okay, why are we talking about this? We're doing a recap. Kindle hands pillow holding. Anyway, so now the bottom three come into the... Now they're talking about this? We're doing a recap. Leanne's pillow holding. Anyway, so now the bottom three come into the, now they're talking about the bottom three.

So Tom's basically like, yeah, you know, I feel like the bottom three, they were just like unfinished, you know? I mean, that's actually was good, you know, as good as I'm finished, sort of like, you know, my son's education. Just never quite finished high school and now as a mixologistologist so there we have it.

Yeah, it was like it's a perfectly fine tomato sauce. Which is all mad. And he's like, and uh, Jens, just, Jens dish, I mean, uh, you know, wipe it late for the point, Jens sucks and it wasn't sunny. And Pat and it's like, that ginger was like the day Gail first walked into the dress barn. Her biggest mistake. I haven't had ginger that bad since I saw... Kevin, actually, just a few minutes ago. Ginger, ginger joke, everyone, anyone? No, Nancy laugh at it. Nancy's like, I got my own fucking trouble, tiny.

So then over it, they bring them back in and Tom's like well you know it's a pretty crowded market today and one shelf one shelf fell short of the complete package right Padma Padma and so basically Jen Jen gets cut which is pretty surprising because she's so good, but it must have been a really bad sauce. It just must have been so gritty and unpleasant. But it seemed like people at the actual event liked it, but I guess not. So Tom's like, well, guess what?

It's not over. We still have last chance kitchen for you to cook a few meals, and then it'll be over for you. So enjoy. So hey, I'm from fucking Philly, all right? Rocky keeps fucking coming back. Put me in front of some goddamn stairs. I'll show you this sunny, saucy bitch. He's like, alright, well, the things are coming.

So she's like, you know, tapchef is done too so much good for me. You know, in my younger years, I wanted things done in my way. But that motivated me to be better. So now I'm like, you know, you didn't like it? Alright, I'm totally fine with that. You motherfuckers. You're kind to gen outside Sleshing everybody's tires and putting bricks through the windshield Just like slathering lemon ginger sauce all over Tom's car seat Under underneath the handle outside the door

It's like oh well I'm just gonna open up my car door now My car since be leaking lemon ginger Crazy Well that brings us to the end of Top Chef everybody My car since the leaking lemon ginger. Crazy. Well, that brings us to the end of Top Chef everybody. Tomorrow we will be back with some Sozza Sunset and Real Housewives of Atlanta. And then we're going to have an extra recap this week because of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Okay, well, so exciting. Go over to page. So much fun to get our videos, our videos, our videos, and our entire Tiger King, is up there for this month's bonus episodes. And I think that's it. Support your local businesses, et cetera. If you come find us on Cameo, if you want to Cameo, and if you guys remember, enter the iRobot contest, come up with your Rumba iRobots tagline, housewife tagline,

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