We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 151. WTF with The Five Love Languages?

Episode Date: November 17, 2022

1. The good, the bad, and the ugly of Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. 2. How expressing the way we give and receive love can identify misalignments with our partners, friends, and family. 3. How to explore – beyond our “love language” – our deep fears and needs underlying them.  4. Glennon, Abby, Amanda, and Pod Squaders share the specific, hilarious things that make them feel most loved.

Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things. This is take two Sweet Pod Squad. You should know we just did this entire introduction to you. And somehow in the first 45 seconds, Abby and I got in a huge fight. I just ruined it. I was trying to be fun and then you thought it was serious. And I wasn't. And so we got in a fight, an argument and the energy is so weird.

Is it really? I think we should just clear the energy. I love you. I love you so much. I feel like the energy is totally fine because, again, I was actually totally kidding. Okay. I have a question. Well, you both are going to get a thank you note in the mail from me because you really

just teed up this pod we're doing today on love languages just perfectly because, I mean, what's better than a misunderstanding? What's better than that? I would say that one of my communication pet peeves is when someone says something and then they, and you feel it and you want to respond. And it was a big deal or it was something that, you know, was a hurtful or whatever. And then the person says, oh, it's okay. I was just kidding.

But I was just kidding. JK. JK. But if you're kidding, there's still truth in the thing that you said. No. There is no truth in it. I was just trying to be funny. Okay.

And just to put the pod squad out of your what the hell just happened, misery, the whole thing was Glennon asked me how I was doing and I answered and then she started to talk and then she came back and said oh hon I'm sorry how are you doing

and then Abby said oh it's always all about sister how's she doing not about me okay that that was the seismic argument that we had and then Glennon tried to dig in and say, oh my gosh, what is this about? Abby said she was kidding.

Glennon refused to believe she was kidding. Abby said she was kidding again. Glennon again refused to believe she was kidding. Okay, so that is the entirety of what you missed. So you have just witnessed alert level red lesbian argument. Okay. In my relationship, let's just say that would not have registered on the Richter. But here we are. And it is big fix-ins for Glennon and Abby. Okay. All right. Take that to our therapist later. But today.

I'm sweating. That's so good. Isn't it ironic? We are discussing love languages, how we offer love and how we receive love best. And how sometimes someone could be offering us love. But if it's in a language we don't understand, we don't necessarily receive it as love. So let's hear first. our pod squad about their love languages.

This is Lisa and my love language is yes and. If I say let's go to dinner, I hear yes and it should be Mexican food or yes. And I want it to be fun or yes and let's get a babysitter and leave the kids at home. This is Kara. My love language is being home alone all day. maybe the dog can stay, but an empty ass house and some garbage television. If I don't get that on a semi-regular basis, I'm just depleted. And I feel guilty about it, but it's the truth.

An empty ass house. Hi, I am Kira. My love language is remembering things about people's schedules and days. and upcoming things and having people do the same for me. This is Kaylee. I'm 20 in college and my love language is, okay, it's going to sound weird, but my feet are always cold. So I love to shove them under people's legs.

So if people make room for my feet under their legs when they're sitting or they cover my feet, that's my love language. My name's Gina and if my husband Offers to go to the grocery store. God forbid Costco. I mean, that is as hot as things can get around here. I mean, it's amazing. My name is Kate.

So mine include when people will have a dance party with me, when a left one will eat ice cream with me, or let me give them a full recap of Rupal's Drag Race. if you just let me go off on that or one of my other like favorite things. Also, when my cat just wraps her face on me because she wants to be pet and attention. I don't know if that counts. I'm counting it because that is one of the ways I feel most loved. I really appreciate make room for my feet under their legs.

Just that little dig. You're on the couch. That's a level of intimacy that is underrated. Like I'm going to take the. liberty to squeeze my little chitzy's right under your leg where they're going to reside for the remainder of the movie. But that's a beautiful thing. I wonder, would they feel this way if the person who is sticking their feet under the

leg had restless foot syndrome? Oh, I do. Yeah. Where they just move their feet constantly. Yeah, that is a real thing. That's tough. Well, you may have noticed that this episode about Lovel languages will not necessarily be framed completely around where we originated this language,

which was from Gary Chapman's book, what was it called the Five Love Languages or something? Yep. It was 1992 book. And his idea is that everyone has preferences about how they would like to give and receive love. So there's a preferred language that everyone speaks. And it's either gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch or acts of service. And the point is that that's how they express their love and that good partners, successful partners, will take the time to figure out

how to express their love in a way that translates to their partners' language. That is the gist. We have scruples. We have scruples. But it has no doubt been a worldwide phenomenon. It's sold like 12 million copies. It's so interesting when one of these books by a conservative fundamentalist type Christian pastor, which is what this man is, kind of leaks out into the general population, right? It happens every once in a while, purpose-driven life, did it with Rick Warren. Oh, my mom gave me that book. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, Mom. I gave her the book that Ellen wrote. You gave her Ellen's biography. And she gave me purpose-driven. It's a battle of the ideologies.

Battle of the ideologies. So I would like to speak to this phenomenon a little bit because I myself was in this world, this Christian world where there is certain media that you're encouraged to consume. It's almost like propaganda, sort of. It's like how to keep you on the straight and narrow of the Christian faith, this brand of it. You have your own Christian bookstores. Just as an aside, my books, of course, stopped being carried in Christian bookstores. But when Carrie-on-Wir came out, they said, we'll sell it.

But we put a big sticker on it that says, read with discernment. Get out of here. Do you see what that's saying about all the other books? What does discernment mean? It means think hard when you read it. Okay? So it's hilarious because basically what they're saying is all these other books, don't think while you're reading them. The rest of these, just please mainline them.

in your system and commit them to memory. But this one, you should have to think, which is, by its nature, automatically a dangerous proposition. And that's the whole purpose of reading, is to think while you're reading, but not in these necessarily in these places. Truly, one of the goals is to put out this kind of information to keep people in the institutions that make the larger institution run. The larger institution being this Christian.

church, the smaller institution being marriage in this case. So Gary Chapman was not a therapist. He was a pastor who, because of his pastoring job, started seeing married, married couples, men and women, because that would have been the only kind of couple that was allowed in this church. And then just decided to make up these love languages to what he would say, help these couples connect. What I would suggest possibly is that the goal was not necessarily to know each other deeply, but to keep people in Christian marriage. For example, there's a lot of majorly problematic ideas in these five love languages, which were problematic just in the book, but also the way they were disseminated by all the other pastors.

First of all, that was so heteronormative. But also, well, if your husband, the way that he needs love is, by physical touch, you just do it. Yeah. And let's back up for a minute to talk about what you're saying. This guy's a Christian minister. He has no formal training as a counselor or researcher. The whole five love languages is not rooted in any psychological research.

No. In fact, it's never been able to be empirically validated in subsequent research that came out after this became just a worldwide phenomenon. So his book is absolutely rooted in Christian doctrine and heteronormativity and in these binary gender roles that are weaved throughout the entire book. And subsequently, thanks to a lot of great research that was done by Slate and L.A. Times and Scary Mommy, several of these things have been uncovered, including homophobic material that was public. on his site. So for example, in 2013, a mom wrote in to him

based on her son, Cummington, saying that he was gay. And he wrote back, quote, men and women are made for each other in God's design. Anything other than that is outside of that primary design of God. And he advised her to, quote,

express your disappointment and or lack of understanding. end quote. So my dude who is words of affirmation, et cetera, is suggesting that the best way to love your kid is to express your disappointment. When they show you who they are. And I just want to emphasize that that's what I mean. That there is no true, know each other, complicated, messy meeting each other.

It's no, keep everybody in their role. I don't want this conversation to feel like I'm like, oh, those people, how could they think that way because I used to think that way, not with the homophobic shit, but I used to read mainline this stuff. I was so afraid. I felt like I loved my family so much. And I was indoctrinated in these places that told me that the only way that you will keep your family safe is if you follow these rules. I remember sitting in on my porch and reading these books. There were these books prayers for your kid. And the idea was, you will keep your kids safe if you pray these prayers.

And I used to just like sit on my porch and just like write them all down and say them over and over and over again because I don't know. I was, I was, it's so tempting this idea of they tell you that you need to be scared. You know, who was it? It was like somebody that said that the churches are like the mafia. Like you don't even know you have a problem. They come to your door. They're like, you're going to hell.

And you're like, now I have a problem. And they're like, okay, but here's the solution. Right? And so the solution is all of these things that really actually seem more like superstition than faith, because there are all these things you have to say and do. But the goal is not to free yourself and free your people and live in this messy humanity together and take care of each other. The goal is to keep everybody in their little bottle so that the system can continue on the way it always has. This has obviously been a worldwide phenomenon for very good reasons. People aren't coming to. this because they want to uphold the institution of heteronormative Christian marriage. They're coming to this because it is a possibility of solving their deep personal needs. But the motivation matters as to why it was created and what it intends to uphold. So physical touch element where that was defined as a love language in the book. And there was a woman who

in one chapter, her relationship has turned toxic and arguably even borderline abusive. And he counsels her in this that she needs to offer herself sexually to her husband regularly for six months, even within the confines of that toxic relationship. And then he, you know, ties it up together with in the next six months, and saw a tremendous change in Glenn's attitude and treatment of her, as if your treatment depends on you checking this box, even if it doesn't feel safe or like it's meeting your needs. And if you do that, you'll start getting treated better.

So there's a lot of ways that this not only has been a superficial approach to love, but also actually damaging to people. Okay. I spent my whole life not necessarily researching everything that I read and or figured out where it started and the origin of it, like you two. You guys are much more intentional. Discerning. Discerning. I have to just say this because I came across this book years and years ago. And it was really helpful for me, even though I knew that it was super gaudy, like it still kind of gave me some parameters for me to start the process of thinking about how to relationship. Yeah, how to relationship. You know, and so

same. Yeah. I still want to pull out the goodness of it. And I think that that's kind of what what we're talking about here. We want to take the goodness of this. Yes. Make it applicable to more people and everybody and how we really do receive and offer love and meet each other and know each other. because none of this is about knowing each other. This is about like words we say, things we do on the outside. It's very like acting these love languages. It's very like say these things, do these actions. But it's not about like really getting inside and knowing each other.

It's like relationship 101. It's like the very basics. Well, I don't even know if it's that. I don't even think it's 101. I think it's deeper than that. But it is a behavioral plan. as opposed to an emotional plan. And so it's a lot like Dr. Becky was talking about with,

you can memorize the words, say XYZ to your kids, and they will do one, two, three. But it isn't getting to the under that, which is the relationship on which that exchanged is based. So I think that I'm exactly the same as you, Abby. I read it like it was a revelation. It was really, really helpful to me. And I think I've been thinking a lot about this.

And I think that the, I think there's three reasons why that book has had such a seismic cultural shift. And I think the first one is that it, it very strategically kind of reduces this untamable mystery of love into a formula. Exactly. which is a very, very compelling promise. Love that formula. And so that's tempting, especially people who are desperate for connection.

It's like, oh, you mean I can just perfect. It's math. It's math. I add your love language in. You add mine. Perfect. It's done. But the second thing, and I think the next two things that it did, are really pointing

towards what is a super helpful thing in really. And that I think maybe if you come in for five love languages, stay for attachment. Because the second thing it does is it kind of offers this simple shared language, acknowledging that there's something happening under the thing that's happening in your daily lives. Other than just incompatibility. Like you're looking at your lives. You're like, this isn't working. And the way that he comes in and says, oh, there's something under that.

you're not speaking the same language. That is just a helpful way to start to understand that there's always a thing under the thing. Yeah. And to have a language about it. And then the third thing is I think it provides this kind of schema for how you can have a fundamental misalignment in how each partner gives and receives love. So that you can both be loving each other the same amount. and with equal ferocity, but you are utterly missing each other.

Yes. And that at the end of the day is, I think, where people need to get, where I have found the most actual relief in relationships is to be like, wait, so I'm rushing toward conflict because that's how I love you. And I want to benefit our relationship by like entering into that conflict. you, because you love me and want to benefit this relationship, are sprinting as far away from conflict as possible. So we are doing the opposite thing and trying desperately to love each other.

And I think that's like the path that people should go on. Yeah. From this very simplistic situation. What to take from it. Okay. to tell the future sometimes. And I'm sure anyone who runs or wants to start a business would totally agree. Fortunately, there is a lot of tools out there that can help you if you find yourself in this position, including one of our sponsors, NetSuite. NetSuite offers real-time data and insight for so many

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one AI cloud ERP, trusted by over 43,000 businesses. It brings your financials, inventory, commerce, HR, and CRM into one single source of truth. And now with NetSuite AI Connector, you can use the AI of your choice and connect it to your actual business data. So you can finally ask every question you've ever had, who are key customers, what's our cash on hand, what's trending in our inventory, and you can automate all those manual processes no one wants to do. Right now, get our free business guide, demystifying AI at netsuite.com slash hard things. The guide is free to you at net suite.com slash hard things. NetSuite.com slash hard things. there is this thing that this book does that that reminds me so much of what religion can do,

which is like there's this messy, wild thing, whether it's faith or whether it's love. And it's so powerful in our lives and we don't understand it and we want to be able to control it. And they're uncontrollable forces. So we're all terrified of it. And so there are these people that are like, we've figured it out. It's just a formula. We have simplified it. Follow these rules and you'll be safe.

It's what I wanted for my family. I was so scared of fucking it up. I wanted someone to promise me. If I do A, then B will happen. And that's what this feels like. It's all external. Because if you can give your partner sex, but there's nothing in this that talks about

what if when you're giving your partner sex, because that's what they want, you feel dead inside. You feel that it's not real. You feel that it's not really connection. It doesn't matter. Just do the thing. And then the other person does the dishes.

And then there's nothing. There's no like, you know, acknowledgement of what's happening on the inside. There's nothing that's integrated about it. I think what you're saying is so important. And I think that the way to understand that in how it plays out, it's a behavior plan. I do the dishes. you make yourself available sexually, but it doesn't acknowledge

like this underlying fear or story we're telling ourselves that makes that behavior feel desperately needed. And it doesn't acknowledge the givers underlying issues that are preventing you from wanting to make yourself available for sexually. And so it's just not an emotionally based approach. It's a behavior-based approach. And if you're just addressing behaviors, if you're just addressing symptoms, then you are never going to get to the underlying emotional stability that won't require this constant influx of behaviors to keep the fear at bay.

So if you're in a relationship that is that is not as strong as it could be, it's like everybody has a headache. Okay. And the prescription is you keep feeding each other pain meds. But like no one's getting to the why you have a headache. So you just have to feed the beast over and over in order to keep the headache at bay. Whereas if you just went in and we're like, why do you need X? Why do you, why are you so desperate for words of affirmation? Is it because you don't feel seen? Is it because you have a fear of your whole life going through and never be really seen or known? Why do you have such a desperate need for sex? Is it because it's the only place in this relationship where you get reassurance and comfort and closeness? Okay, well, then if you just address those underlying things, then the behaviors will either take care of themselves or they won't be so desperately needed. Ooh. I like that. I also think it's interesting that the physical touch is the one kind of love offering and receiving that doesn't require.

language, language, language, women are more conditioned to communicate that way. And it's interesting that what you said, maybe the one place I feel love, the one place I don't feel incapable, the one place I don't feel like I can't keep up with you, right? Is this place that doesn't require me to have all of this language to express to you my love and receive love. It's also this snowballing problem because if I don't, if I don't get to the place where I truly understand the thing underneath your desire for sex, then not only am I just checking a box, no pun intended, to like show up for that, but I also am doubling down on my resentment and estrangement to you because all I can think about is we,

have no closeness and intimacy in our relationship and yet you want this thing. Yes. So therefore, intimacy with me is not even required for us have sex. If a partner comes and says, my love language is physical touch. Therefore, I need more sex. As opposed to a partner coming and saying, our relationship is so devoid of intimacy in all of these levels that when we have sex, it's the only time I can feel assured that you are not going to leave me. It's the only time where I can feel assured that we can reconnect in a real way. And therefore, my need for it feels very high. You're going to go into that situation with a totally different perspective.

Yeah. Of that is that person's desire to be intimate with you. Not that is just a outside of me, random need for sexual contact. It's like the wrapping paper instead of the gift. It's like, do I want to do acts of service for you? Do I want to make out with you? Because we have constantly worked on this thing where we desperate,

we know each other. We feel connected to each other. So those things are just natural outpourings of this internal knowing that is love. And I'm just doing those things, hoping the other thing follows. or the way that I've seen it's done so much in the church, which is just do those things. And it doesn't matter if the real love, connection, deep thing ever happens. Because the goal is just to keep this institution moving,

not ever to get to the depths of each other. And it might not be automatic because, like, the research that has happened after this became a phenomenon does show, that the love language is, you know, what is described in there of quality time. First of all, every relationship needs quality time. Bare minimum. That's a proven situation. And words of affirmation, etc. That those do reflect behaviors that are vital to relationship maintenance. So, but there is no correlation between any relational quality. So how you feel. relationship is going to your being aligned at love languages. None. So words of affirmation may not

come naturally to me. It's important for me to be reminded of that because, so I can expand my repertoire of showing my love. Okay. Words of affirmation don't matter unless the words I'm saying reflect that I know you deeply. I just walk into, I love you, honey. That means nothing to me because I know you're just saying this thing. Words of affirmation are meaningful when they reflect that you know me so deeply that the words you are saying are ringing in my soul. Physical touch. Just having sex means nothing unless what we are doing in the bedroom or wherever we are,

reflects that you know my body and you love me and you are, we are knowing each other through this whatever, right? Quality time. What does that mean unless the person who is with you knows you so well and you know them that you know exactly how you want to spend that time, where you want to spend that time, what your acts of service. If you're just doing the basics, what acts of service? If those categories don't reflect knowing and caring and curiosity, then all of those things mean nothing. It's what this act of service is, where the quality of time is, how the physical

touches, and what the words of affirmation are. I love when you get fired up so much. I agree with you from where you sit. That is you. And this can help out of a place of desperation. Because first of all, there is not a truth in that we have one love language. We have a place that we have desperation the most. Okay? So we all give and receive love in myriad ways.

There may be one way that we are self-reporting as highest. and by the way, they have had research that shows that what we report is not even necessarily true of us. That's so true. I totally believe that. We don't know anything about ourselves. Right. And it's not immutable.

It changes over time. But it is possible that in this situation, in this year, in this particular relationship, I am most desperate for X. Yes. But why are we most desperate? We are most desperate because we all have an unambiguous. underlying deep fear, that we are just really, really hoping that the showing of love will help quell that fear. Am I fearful that I will never be known? Am I fearful that I will never be safe?

Am I fearful that I will always be deeply alone? It matters what your underlying fear is. Yes, yes. Because then the things that people do for, you have to be in reaction to that fear. They can't just be random. That doesn't mean as much. And to push back a little bit on the sex thing, I think there's a lot of people that, depending where you are in the severity of crisis in your relationship,

it isn't necessarily that like you need to know every little thing about that person. Some people are so desperate to know that they still, have a modicum of connection with their person, that the having of the sex will quell that fear for as long as I need it till we get to the next time. Yeah. Yeah, I get that. I think that it all goes back to that it isn't as simple, that it is, it depends on the person and what they need and what they want. And so reducing to just those five doesn't really do justice to the complexity of people and kind of if you stop there, you're not getting any further. So this is why it was so cool to hear everybody's very idiosyncratic love languages because getting to know those

are important. We are multilingual. We are multilingual. Well, and faceted. It's not just five love languages. Have you ever hit a point at work where everything just feels heavy? Not just a bad week, but the kind of burnout where you're staring at your laptop thinking, I can't keep doing it like this. You're not alone. Strawberry.me is career coaching that helps you get to the real root of your burnout, whether it's workload, boundaries, a tough manager, or feeling disconnected from the work you used to love.

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Go to quince.com slash hard things for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash hard things to get free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash hard things. Let's hear from our pod squatters. This is Judith and my love language. are concerts, specifically Brandy Carlyle concerts. This is Lisa, and I would call my love language transparency and feeling loved when someone's

words match up with their actions and when they do exactly what they say they're going to do at all time or they don't ever say anything that they don't intend to. My name is Lori and I want to tell you that my love is Lori. language is to plan something for me. Plan, don't ask me to decide anything. Just plan where we're going, what we're doing. You don't have to pay for me. Just plan it all out and pick me up and let's go.

Hi, it's Abby. My love language is coffee. Is this you, babe? Nothing, nothing brings me more joy than coffee being brought. to me or being prepared for me. And I know that's like it all falls in the acts of service love language thing, but it's specific. But it's specific. I don't want toast I didn't ask for.

I always want coffee. This is Melanie. My love language is sharing and listening to music that is very, very close to my heart. And just doing it in silence and feeling the same. emotions at the same time from the same song and talking and sharing about it afterwards. My name is Katie and my love language is making travel plans and also saying yes to one more episode of Ted Lasso even though it's late and we should really be going to bed. This is Caitlin and my love language is surprises.

So whether it's breakfast in bed or a surprise charge. trip or even just like a slice of cheesecake or anything. But the bottom way is anything I don't have to play on myself. This is Shannon. My love language? Oh, it's short and sweet. Just somebody clean the fucking house besides me. And then I know you love me.

Hi, my name is Noah. My love language is warm towels right out of the dryer when I've gotten out of the shower in the winter. The breakfast and bed thing, here's what I mean. Okay. Acts of service. Yes. Breakfast in bed. It's the act of service matched with the knowing of the person that makes active service a love language, right? Yeah. One of your things would not be surprises. Right. You don't like surprises. I don't really like surprises. I don't really like surprises. I'm a surprise lover. I love surprises. I love to do surprises. I love to get surprised. You don't. And so I have so much envy when I hear surprise. love language and just like show up and don't make plan. I know. I like a surprise.

I just want to help plan it. I like a surprise. I just want to help plan it. I really with the one more episode of Ted Lasso when it's ridiculously late and we should be going to sleep. I mean, I think that when it's like 1230 and we've been binge watching something and it's like one more song. one more song.

And I just look over and I'm like, should I, can we, I want to watch another one. That's as vulnerable as I get. If he's like, actually it's 1230, we should go to sleep now. And he's 100% correct. And I'm like,

I'm basically a girl standing in front of you just asking to know if I can be myself and still be loved. And you just said, we need to turn off dead lasso. Yes, it's an abandoning. It's an abandoning. It's an abandoning.

I feel the same way when I, Abby and I have like a nightly tea ritual where we just, it's not, we just drink tea at night. And it goes something like this. Honey, do you want tea? Yeah. And when every once in a while, Abby will be like, no, I don't want tea. I receive it as an abandonment because the tea means we're going to stay up another 20 minutes. We're going to like drink this whole tea.

I don't want tea means I'm going to bed right now, which makes me feel very abandoned in the scary, scary night. Yep. I love the listening to music quietly. And I just wanted to shout out that love language. I have learned that love language is with my teenagers. So teenagers sometimes I have heard don't talk to you as much. Okay?

And so they become very mysterious and it doesn't work anymore to be like, I would like to sit down and have you talk to me about who you are and your feelings and such. But our teenagers in particular, from the time they were like, you know, preteens until now, forever, they are obsessed with music. And they love lyrics and they love artists. And so I have learned that if I will sit and listen to their favorite song with them, it's a way of communicating. Yeah. So I have come up with some of my love languages that I would add if I were writing a book

about love languages for myself. Okay, here's one. I feel passionate about solitude. A love language for me is someone who understands that solitude is a magical, important part of life. So if I'm reading or I'm, you know, by myself and the kids come up and you're like, mom's outside, don't bother her. I'm like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. The respect of solitude is very, very important to me. And also, I like a person who is not afraid to be alone also.

That's so funny. And that's just my stuff. But I always feel like good stuff happens when you're alone. That means you're okay with being with your thoughts and your feelings. and you come back with something that's original to you and not just a regurgitation of culture. Like, I like someone who respects my solitude and someone who respects their own solitude. I feel really proud of myself. I never expected.

When we first met, I never thought we could have this conversation and be like, yeah, I actually feel fine about being alone. And I feel fine about you having solitude. Like 10 year ago, Abby, was like, afraid to be alone. and like needed to be completely enmeshed with my partner. Right. It is. We've come far in that. I wonder if, because I'm thinking of all of these languages and values,

I'm thinking of the counterpoint of the fear under them because I think there is the behavior and then the motivation of the behavior. Could the fear under your need for solitude be I'm afraid of losing myself in a really Yeah. I mean, our friend Esther Perel, she told me once that in a relationship, there's two kinds, there's two people. One is afraid of losing the other person. And one is afraid of losing themselves. You. And I'm sure that's an oversimplification too. But there is probably that, like that the fear of losing the individuality. But also, you know, part of sobriety is being okay with who you are in your own skin.

You have one that you have identified as your own? There's been a couple of folks that have come up with new ways of innovating around love languages. I haven't done a deep dive into either of these folks, but Ann Hodder-ship talks about modern love languages and she has her new rubric. And then Molly Owens, who's founder of truity, she has. she has a new analysis that has seven. And I really like one of hotter ships ones.

She talks about shared beliefs as a love language. She said it's not just a love language. It's a sense of safety. I feel like my body can actually sit and melt into whatever surface is under my butt at the moment because we are on the same page about some important things regarding other people's humanity, for example. What matters in the world and what doesn't. there is an actual visceral bodily response to being in the presence of shared values for me.

Yes. And I think that that encapsulates what actually, when we're doing this language correct, when we experience a visceral bodily response to being in the presence of something we need, that that is what the heart of it is. It isn't like, you said you love me six times, therefore check. It's I can feel in my body safe and I feel safe in this relationship. And the safety comes from a deeper place than the checklist of behaviors comes from. Yeah.

I think that's why so many people struggled so much during and now with the divide in politics in a single home. I mean, it's like when you realize, that your vision of the true's most beautiful world is completely different than your partner's vision of the truest most beautiful world. That is certainly one of my love languages. It's like the only thing that causes what looks like a tectonic platelet shift when I have questions about the world that go against every because of the way I was conditioned. And I ask questions and I'm trying to process and you're like, what the ever fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, I get really freaked out.

It's like this complete misalignment that's really scary. That's so true. I think it the same way. It's a fear. It's a fear. You're like, because my quantum fear that pervades all of my behaviors and all of my needs is am I alone? Yes. Am I alone to face this thing?

Am I alone in carrying this? And so when that happens, when there is a misalignment or even a threat of misalignment of deep core beliefs, it's I'm on my own with us. Yes. We are not together in this. We will not equally, you know, wave this flag. I am alone. I am responsible. Yes.

And I think that is part of my oversimplification of like, are you for me or against? me. And so if anything is, the world seems so chaotic. And I'm like, in this house, as for me and my family, we will be for this and against this, for this and against this. And so when anything questions that, it makes me have a sleeping with the enemy moment. Or like, I open the cabinet and it feels like all the cans are out of in line. And I'm like, whoa. It's happened twice in our marriage. Yeah. That it scares you. And I'm like, well, no, I need to, I need to understand where I'm coming from. And it's hard for you to actually hear anything else that I'm saying around it because you just open the cabinets and you're like, well, I'm being something's very wrong here.

Yeah. It's a visceral reaction. Yeah. This show is sponsored by Midi Health. Parimenopause and menopause aren't personality flaws or phases. They're medical transitions. And yet nearly three out of for women who actively seek help are sent home with nothing. No treatment, no roadmap, no support. Not because help doesn't exist, but because the health care system makes it absurdly hard to find someone who actually knows what they're doing. That's where Midi changes the game. With Midi, you're matched directly with a clinician who's trained specifically in midlife care. Appointments happen virtually on your schedule, and prescriptions are sent straight to your local pharmacy. Even better,

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It's moment alignment. Okay, it's... Oh, yeah. So I'm in my living room and my youngest says something that is like so ridiculous and adorable or I don't know, just a moment that reflects something I've been thinking about. And I know that when I look over at Abby, she's going to be looking at me because she's paying such close attention to our family and to all the things we're working out with each kid and she has such a connection to each of their insides and such a connection to my insides that inside of a moment we are experiencing. the same magic. When something incredible happens and I look and the person's not experiencing it, I think this gets back to like the why aren't I not in the picture episode.

Exactly right. Yep. But I feel left alone. Like I feel like, oh my God, they're missing the most important thing in the world. And I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm alone. So.

I wonder if that's your quantum fear like sister just called it. Yeah. I mean, am I alone? is probably, you know, attachment theory, to everything's just about, are you there with me? Am I alone? Am I real?

Are you there with me? Is all of these, all of our fears. And I think one of the things to talk about, too, which I've been thinking about this whole episode and haven't said, is these all apply to friends, too. Yeah. It's not just romantic relationships that a lot of this applies to. When I think about the new friends,

I'm making a lot of these apply to. And another one, for me is conflict care. Tell me more. Not being afraid of conflict and having skill around conflict because conflict for me is a way that I like work out things and grow and think and learn. And I need people who are not afraid to say the thing, who don't just avoid it, who tell me the truth about how they feel so we can work it out who when I when I say the thing know that that's an act of love for me and not an act of goodness and I like people who understand conflict for conflict sake like don't just think that the goal of every conflict is to end it and hug and kiss

I don't know how to explain that but like everyone's all we'll be in the middle of a conflict that's like good stuff we're getting at something and you'll be like okay let's just remember we love each other, we're in this together. And I'm like, okay, yes, for sure. That goes without saying. But like sometimes the goal is to like really work something out. Gee, if I had to say is that your attachment to conflict has to do with proving again and again to yourself that this relationship and connection and mutual understanding can survive. the throes of any interrogation of a conflict.

So Abby's effort to say, okay, we're good. Let's love each other and hug is to your eyes a retreat from continuing through the gauntlet of the conflict, which you need as a point of demonstration. the strength and also even closer bond you'll have once you've run that gone. Yes. And evolution. Like evolution. Like the idea of a relationship not being just to be smushy lovy govy govy

like lovey-dovey. That's not it. That's not it for me. Like it's not just that. It's also to have a partner in life that's helping you evolve to bigger and better and truer ideas and identities and ways of being. It's definitely one of my love languages to know that, like, yes, a relationship, it's a port in a storm.

But it's also the partner you walk through the storm with. Everything's not just a retreat into a comfort. It's a comfort and a challenge. The, like, enthusiasm for evolving, I could never, ever be with somebody who didn't want that, who didn't love that, who didn't, like, have a commitment to learning and challenging and having spiritual adventures, which are internal. It's like inner scuba diving, you know? doing the treasure hunt that's internal and being okay with the discomfort of that.

And I think the comfort and the challenge is a great way to pull together all of this on the love languages because truly we're not here to bash the love languages. We're here to say the blessing and the curse of as, you know, commonly understood of Chapman's five love languages. is its simplicity. So it is a great way to begin to have shared language into an highly complex situation. But the catch 22 of his formulation is that it's too simple. And so the good thing it gives you access through simplicity,

but the bad thing is if it's followed too far, it is so reductive of human potential and complexity and the vast mystery of love that it reduces the beauty and complexity of the possibilities of your love. And so it's take that idea and know that love language is going to be as intricate and interesting and new ones as ever-changing as any partner is.

Not one-size-fits-all. Like, dive in and figure it out and also dive into yourself and figure it out for yourself of how you receive and then have that conversation with your partner. Because it does not, we repeat, does not have to be these five. No, and you don't need the book. Just dive into a conversation about how you receive love and what. fear and how you need love and what fear is beneath. Yeah. And this is why everybody loves the Indigo girl's song, closer to fine. It's like whenever anybody, it's like, I went to the doctor,

I went to the preacher, I went to college. Every time we go somewhere to try to get all the answers, it feels good for a second because of that tempting, oh my God, I'm about to nail it, I'm about to simplify it. And it's always wrong. And love is too big and too wild to stuff into any dogma or five anything. Love it. Love it. Should we end by hearing from our last crew of love languages? Yeah, let's do it.

This is Courtney. My love language is memes and reels. So me and meme or are real. My name is Heather. My love language is to bring me snacks, especially snacks in bed. My name is Jan. My love language. is sending cards to people in the mail.

I send thinking of you cards. I love you cards. How are you doing cards? Birthday cards. I just send a lot of mail to people. This also is someone named Abby calling in re-love languages. My love language is, please leave me alone, but also do everything for me, even without me asking.

And most importantly, read my mind. My name is Sam. I have a love language thing to share that I think might be unusual, but it is very much a love language between my husband and I. We are both fly anglers and I guide and he does some guiding, but we're very active in the fly fishing world. And he ties a lot of flies when he ties the most beautiful person. perfect fly and he hands it to me and says this one is for you to use for your box and he hands it to me and it is the most perfect thing. It feels like a love letter. And I just melt. My name is Chloe. Interestingly enough, my love language is directly linked to bedtime and sleep time.

my need for a partner and may want for a partner to be like close in proximity to me, either tucking me in, cuddling me, lying by me, speaking to me, but specifically as I prepare to sleep. And I wonder if that's something that other people share as well. Maybe it's because sleep is like a vulnerable state, but that has always been the case for me. I love that. That's a good one to end on. sleep is a vulnerable state and so is life and so is love and we just need somebody to be tucking us in we got through a lot in this conversation yeah we got into an argument at the beginning yeah maybe poked a little bear at the end there yeah got some things to talk about yeah

don't we always are you still just you're absolutely furious with each other totally were you okay all right no one thing i mean i hope we'll be back next week, folks, but who knows? I think that we're getting to the place in our marriage where if something reaches like a level of meaning to discuss what we do, I don't know about you. We're like letting go of a lot of stuff. Yeah, I feel totally let go. Do you know?

Okay. Oh, you don't. We love you, Pod Squad. Carry on. We love you. See you next time. Bye. We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios.

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