We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 152. EASY FRIDAYS: How (NOT) to Party

Episode Date: November 18, 2022

No digging deep. No paradigm shifts to be found. It’s Easy Fridays.

It's easy Friday. Ho! Abby's favorite day. This is the day I live for. This is the day we don't do any hard things. We don't attempt any paradigm shifts. We just stop doing hard things. Let it go.

So today, I have a story to tell. The story, excellent. is going to unfold in three parts. Okay? Oh, y'all be running. Just here's the deal. So I had to go to a party recently. Now, I wanted.

I thought we weren't going to do hard things. Well, exactly. It was starting a Friday. It was not on a Friday. I want to walk the pod squad through what it is like for me to have to go to a party. Okay. Because we all joke about it. We all have all of them.

memes about preferring to stay home and being introverts and too much peopleing out here. But I really feel like I want to walk through the experience. Okay. So the reason why I was going to this party and that I was committed to going to this party is because this party was a birthday party for one of my favorite people on the earth. And so when something like that happens, I say to myself, self, you will do this hard thing. You will get your ass to this thing like a capable. human being and you will celebrate your goddamn friend.

Now, this is... Your goddamn friend. This is what it's like for me. And Abby, you can give your side. So when I got the invitation, like a month before the party, I was already scared. I already started to think of my life in terms of now until that really hard thing and then after that hard thing. Okay, my life is now...

A before and after. A before and after story. We just have to get to that night where I'm going to have to go to that party and then afterwards I'll be able to breathe. That's how I read my entire life. Like it's like the bar exam or like basic training. Yeah. Like I can do it. Exactly.

That's how it feels. And to me, it feels like if I was going to put it in a word, the word would be dread. That's like the feeling of it. It's like an aching fear inside of me that tells me I am not sick. safe until that event is over. Now I'm going to try to describe, because I know for a lot of people, that's not going to make any sense. Okay? That seems totally ridiculous.

And so I've been trying to figure out how to put into words what it's like for me. First of all, I tried to explain it to you to Abby and Amma the day before. And I described it as this feeling that I cannot believe. I cannot believe that we are required to go out, to take our bodies out into spaces where we're just going to be walk around or stand and people are going to look at us directly with all of our skin and hair and all of these like strange, weird human things. and we're just going to look at them and they're going to look at us and we're going to have to just like improv for hours. Improv. We are all going to improv for hours. We're just agreeing to this shit.

And I also feel, I've thought about this a lot and I think one of the things that scares me so much about a party is that there's no structure. If someone invites me to a play or to something where I know we're going to walk in and then we're going to sit down and we're all going to be looking in one direction and there's, a goal and then a structure and then we're going to leave. But no, no, no. This is a situation, improv for three hours, lots of standing. I don't like standing. I feel like standing is too much surface area of exposure. I like a sitting party.

I can sit. And milling. Oh, my God. Like, oh, who do I stand with? Who do I talk to? What do I say? What do they say to me? Mine is always like, when is it, have I been talking to this person too long?

Like, is this person sick of talking? Because when you're standing there, you could all agree, like, all right, let's just talk for like 30 minutes because then we don't have to like bump a new group. But then I think, does this person want to be done talking? Yes. And I always feel like everyone wants to be done talking. I mean, let's be honest, they probably do want to be done talking to me in these scenarios. Only because you're worried about the surface area of standing. Yes, they probably do want to stop talking to you. energy might be a little bit off-putting. Maybe. But I always think that everyone who's talking to it, have I mentioned this on the podcast that I feel like everyone's doing me a favor by talking to me? Yes. Like, okay, like I feel like it's pity, so I should end it for everybody. So as soon someone walks up.

That's the only reason I'm on this podcast. I feel really bad for you. Yeah. If someone walks up to me and talks to me, I assume they saw me being awkward and they're trying to do their good deed for the day. And so I should end it as soon as possible to let them be free. So they say, how are you? I say, I'm fine.

and then I shut it down. So that's effing awkward. So I'm going through all of this. I'm having the talk with Abby and Emma. I actually have a talk with my therapist. I have a new therapist. That's a total side story we'll talk about soon. Amma says, mom, you're going to go to this thing. Don't forget what you say to me. No one's thinking about you as much as you think they are. You're just going to go. It's going to be normal. You're going to have your experience and you're going to come home. Okay. To my 14 year old, I say, okay. I hear you. We can do hard things.

I'm going to this party to celebrate my friend. So Abby and I get dressed up. We get in our car. We drive to this very fancy party. We are standing in this holding room. This is my favorite part of the story. She calls the place where we were having cocktails and hors d'urfs. This is where you were not having cocktails.

Yeah, we were not having cocktails. We were having water and hors d'oeuvs. She calls it a holding place. It's a holding room. Okay. Well, also, let's say that too. We are dead sober all the time every day of our life. And I think that a lot of people don't have any anxiety about social party events because they go and they get to have their three drinks.

We don't have the liquid courage of taking away the awkwardness. Okay. So we are in the holding room and there's all of these very lovely, very fancy people at this thing. so far so good. I've got my little chicken spear of chicken. Which I took immediately after the chicken was done. Because it was dangerous for me to have another job. You're going to stab somebody. Right. So just let me hold the garbage. Right. We had already done the thing where Abby and I were standing by ourselves and we didn't have anyone to talk to. And then, but I don't, I don't only forget how to talk to other human beings. I forget how to talk to my wife. It's the weirdest thing.

So I look at her and I say, give me a topic. Give me a topic. Let's just. Are we doing it right? Are we doing this? Are we doing it? This like big curtains open to the holding room. From the holding cell. From the holding cell. And then in front of us is this beautiful table for all of these people to sit down and celebrate this person who is one of the most beautiful people on the earth. Okay.

I think this is really going well so far. So people start walking from the holding cell into the seating room. I start to gain great confidence. Okay. So I start to walk along with everyone from one room to the other. And I fall so, like I don't fall like I trip. I fall like I tumble down the stairs. Land, land spread eagle on the ground, the stone ground.

My purse flies, my shoe flies off my body. and now I'm lying on the stone. Face down. And by the way, there's no other event happening. Okay, this is the transition time. The only thing that's happening is me on the ground in a fancy dress on the floor. Oh, my God. So good.

I'm just laying there and there's a moment of, well, this isn't happening. Because there's dead silence. Because no one knows to do in the situation, right? But if you thought the pity was bad before. Right, right. But now I notice that I've brought Abby halfway with me. So I'm lying on the ground and Abby is kind of hunched over me. Well, what happened was we were holding hands walking down.

Right. The two steps. Mm-hmm. The two steps. Glennon thought there was one. And so she got tripped on that last step and then flies forward. But because we were holding each other, we were holding hands. She was then using me as a way to hopefully catch her.

And so when she- Which you did not do, I will stay. I did not do. But she's, because she went down so hard fully on her face that I had to end up, I had, I was coming down. So I had to take a big giant step. And now I'm straddling Glennon who is face down on the ground. And I am over her.

And I am obviously trying to figure out what. Not what happened. And then what happened? Trying to figure out how to how to solve this situation. And Glennon looks up over her shoulder and she says to me, is this really happening? Because you know that moment where you're like, certainly, like, this seems bad. But honey, I'm saying to myself, honey, I'm on the ground.

Honey, for sure we're in bed. Yeah, it's a dream. Like, for sure. This is a nightmare. And your sweetheart, you're going to wake up. You're catastrophizing. Exactly. You're going to be safe in your little bed.

But I did see my wife say, yes, this is really happening. Okay. So then I stood up. My knees, my knees were so bashed up. It's amazing what shame can override. It's like, you know, those. The adrenaline. Yes.

So as parents who become superheroes out of love and they lift up cars. I became a superhero out of shame. I lifted up herself. And I lifted up myself. I lifted myself up with no dignity. But I just thought the only thing you can do now to make this worse for you and your friend who has created this extremely beautiful evening and you have now directed every bit of attention to yourself on the floor. And now this is mostly what people are going to be.

remember of this party no matter what beautiful things happen. This moment was the thing that everybody else in the party was like, well, at least that wasn't me. Like when they go home from this party, yeah, that's a service. They're like, at least I didn't fall on my face. Yeah. Yeah. And so we made it through the rest of the night.

I did have a friend who was coming late and we kept texting her three steps. It's three steps. It's three steps. And she came in and was like, what the fuck? Why are you? Why are you so obsessed with how many steps are here? I'm like, I'll tell you why. Yeah.

So here's the deal. It was almost worth it just because we made it through the rest of the night. We did not talk about it because we didn't want to bring any more attention to ourselves. I would look at her and she'd go, nope, I'm not ready yet. Nope. Nope. We can't talk about it yet. Too early.

Too early. And then every once in a while she'd go, my knees really hurt. And I'm like, I bet they do. she's like, it's stone. It was stone. It's stone. It wasn't carpet. Yeah.

Yeah. So what happened with your shoes in your purse I need to know? Like who went scampering over? Somebody. I did. Oh, was it you? Yeah. I grabbed it all.

Yeah, somebody returned yourself to me. You then released my hand that you were holding with such force. You released it. And when I confirmed that yes, in fact, you had fallen down on your face, I reached forward and I grabbed your shoe. And then I reached forward and I, well, I helped you up and then I grabbed your purse. Yeah. I'll never, ever, honey, forget your face what you looked like.

Like, you looked like I cannot believe this is happening right now. Yeah, that was surprising. You know what I realized? I mean, clearly I was humiliated in front of everyone, like 100 people. But I knew it was bad when I felt embarrassed in front of Abby with it. I was embarrassed in front of Abby. I was like, I cannot believe I did this to you. I started laughing from the beginning, though.

I know. I could not. I could not keep it together because I had been with her for the previous month of her thinking and talking about this fucking party. And what am I going to wear? And how do you think it's going to go and all of the things? Do you think I'm going to scratch my knees? I was like, this is such a God shot. Like, what a hilarious joke that God just played on you.

Right. And so, and so going back to the previous, like, you know, part one of the story, which is the prefall, the obsessing. Anxiety manifests for me as a feeling of dread, but also a incessant planning or trying to control the future experience by over and over and over planning everything. Like, if you can, it feels like you can take away the fear if you're going to control it to death or something. So you just think about it constantly. Of course, that's like the opposite of joy, which is being here today. So all of my month before was just thinking about this moment is that's what Abby was talking about. So we get into the car afterwards and we've made it through. It's quiet for a moment in the car.

She hasn't even started the car. And then she starts the car. And we both start laughing. And we don't stop laughing until we get halfway home. It was 20 minutes. I mean, we could not. It was like a workout. I was definitely like peeing in my pants a little bit.

Your mascara was running. No words. Oh my God. It was worth it just for that. Oh my God. So then I'm so excited for therapy because I'm like, oh, remember all those things you said about how it was going to be okay. Well. Well, was it anxiety or am I a fortune teller?

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There's something about it that's fear that everything goes perfectly. If something that wild happens, it just makes you immediately let go of any ideas of control, right? And that whole neurotic thing that I do, which is I've heard it best described as I am the piece of shit around which the world revolves. I am shit, but everyone thinks about me all the time. Like that it's kind of an implosion of that idea. And then we had this amazing discovery on the way home, part two of the drive home, where we got our shit together and just started talking instead of laughing. And we were talking about what I was saying on the way to the party, which was it just feels so exposing. Like this whole experience feels just having to go places and just I feel so exposed, so exposed.

People can see my skin. Yeah, people can see my skin. I kept saying, and Abby kept saying skin is to be seen. But it was like our friend Katie said after COVID when she went out into the world and she was like, why are people looking at my face? My face is private. That's how it felt. But then we realized I was wearing to that party a dress that I was totally uncomfortable in that was very low, short, like girly femme, you know, showing a lot of skin.

I was wearing stilts on my feet. Okay? I was wearing shoes that were like kind of whatever inch heel. And I was complaining about feeling insecure and exposed. And I was wearing no clothes and stilts. You elected. And thinking this was an existential feeling. Like my soul feels exposed.

my spirit feels wobbly. But also, my body was exposed and my legs felt wobbly because of the stilts. So I think it's an interesting thing to consider. Abby doesn't feel exposed. She's always totally covered up. And she's wearing shoes that are sensible. Had I been wearing different shoes, maybe I wouldn't have fallen down the stairs. I think it's an interesting thing to consider about compulsory wardrobe things for women.

when maybe we do actually feel exposed and insecure on our feet because that's how our clothes are designed. And some people want to expose themselves. Like that's the thing that makes them feel less anxious. Strong. Like maybe rats makes them feel strong. Yeah. But not you.

Not me. We've just learned. And we put our learning into work because the next week, just this past week, we had to go to a thing. It wasn't a night party. It was a little bit more structured. So I wasn't dreading about it. But I did wear very sensible clothes and sensible shoes.

And how many times did I fall? Zero. Zero times. Science people. It's science. Zero times. Night times are more stressful for you than day times. Night times are more stressful.

Why? Oh, God. I don't know. It's darker. It's darker. I'm tired. I don't know. But it's a thing.

So anyway, that is my story. And I'm amazing. Thank you for making it happen. I'm, if I could undo it, I wouldn't. Just because laughing that hard with your partner. Yeah. I mean, getting home. That ride home was my favorite thing.

Do you know, my first thought on the ground was, this can't be happening is this happening? And then my second thought is I'm so embarrassed with, and then my third thought was, I really want to text Dina and sister and Allison. Yeah. From the floor. Yeah. Because it's like a good day is a good day, but a bad day is a good story. And I'd almost rather have the story. It lasts longer.

So would you consider this like the worst possible case scenario? No. For a party. Going to a party. No. The worst case scenario is I say something that like hurts someone's feelings. Like I say or do something that makes someone else uncomfortable. Making myself uncomfortable.

Also, you know my clumsiness. So I've had plenty of so many experiences leading up to this one. So now this, this person. this particular, let's just say physical and comfort or something physically happening. Okay, yes. This might like rise to the top of like maybe one of the worst things that could happen to you. Yeah, especially because the skirt wasn't stiff. So it was like so much of my ass.

Like it was just so much was exposed. So my question is what now do you think about? Because we will be going to an event later this week. What? Oh, yeah. Yeah. But structure, that is a dinner and it has a structure and a stage. Okay.

Do you feel like, well, the kind of, one of the worst things that could happen in my mind has happened and you survived? Is there growth in this way? Yes. In which you're preparing. Like, I just want to know how to be there for you. Yeah. Because I think it's important, like when you do start asking questions about the event we're going to. Mm-hmm.

Maybe you could hold both of her hands. Yeah. Like, can I say, well, the worst has already happened and we survived? Mm-hmm. I just want to know what's like a good way of supporting you. The thing that works for me always with this sort of thing is to remember, like my therapist kept saying, don't forget to be soul led at this thing. And I know here we get into the woo-woo, but I've noticed a magic in social events when

I get out of my head. It's almost, okay, when I'm in a social scenario, I have to be in a meditative state. Like that is the only way that I can explain it. When I have to be so far out of my head that I am fully present with the other person. And I'm not going, I'm not checking back in with my mind about what I think about that person, about whether I'm talking to this person for too long, about whether I have lipstick on my teeth. Like, nope, it's like, it's like meditating for me. When I'm in talking to someone or in social situation, every time my mind dares to think a thought,

I have to willfully like it's afraid or pulling it back. Come back to the moment, to the present. And I will tell you that when I can do that, just as it's like a meditative state, when I can do that, it is so beautiful. And I can feel it. and it becomes like church. Cool.

Like I'm looking at somebody and I'm just with them and my ego is gone and my spirit is there and I can see their beauty and I can feel the difference in me. It's magic as opposed to its misery. I'm thinking about that person instead of me. I can feel this magic ignite between the two people. But meditation for me is about that moment. It's about practicing. alone so that when I am with other human beings, what could turn into anxiety and make me

miss the moment completely, I'm practiced enough to bring back to meditation so that I'm in the moment completely. That's good. So you didn't answer my question about whether or not I can say or bring up ever again well before we go to an event. Well, the worst has already happened. Yeah, I think so because I think that is a beautiful thing. It's like the idea of waiting for the other shoe to drop is way worse than just having

the shoe go ahead and already drop. Okay, good. When the worst ego thing happens, that's awesome because then you're like, well, the worst ego thing can happen. I can still make it through being soul led. Cool. Have you ever hit a point at work where everything just feels heavy? Not just a bad week, but the kind of burnout where you're staring at your laptop thinking, I can't keep doing it like this.

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like generalized anxiety or if you score high enough on these individual tests, then you have the specific diagnosis of, for example, apropos. of nothing, social anxiety. Have you taken those tests to know or have you been specifically diagnosed with social anxiety? Because I think what you're describing is quite, it's a quite extreme version of what a lot of people experience. Yeah, I think that's my job on earth is to be an extreme version of what everyone else experiences on earth. I mean, you're laughing, but I totally believe that that's my job. Like, I am an extreme version of all the things. And then everyone can be like, oh, that's a little bit.

But like, not like that bad, but like a little, you know. You're like, you're good at being able to point at like, what's wrong with me, but not that bad. Yeah. So like you're like a caricature. Yeah, like a caricature. It's like extreme sports, but like extreme humaning. And then you can like find yourself somewhere on the spectrum of like normal to Glennon. That's good.

What are you on a scale of normal to Glennon? Yeah. And also, sister, I just don't think it's going to be helpful for me to have any more diagnosis. Right. I just really don't. It's like how many words you're going to throw at me? Everyone's doing their best to help me. And that's you, right?

That's you in particular. Some people need it. And P.S., I wouldn't, just all this joking aside, I like how I am. Oh, cool. I do. I do. I really do like how you are too. I would not change it.

I think that the extremity of some of my experiences gives me insight that other people don't have, and I wouldn't change it. I don't have the experience like I did as an athlete very much. But when I go to a party with you, I do feel like a superhuman. Why? Because I can see how hard it is for you and it's not as hard for me. Yeah. And so it makes me feel like I got this.

Like there's so much about our life that you got that like when we go to social situations like this, I'm like, this is what I bring to the table. Yeah. I just, when I was on the ground, I didn't feel so gotten. by you. I didn't feel so much that anyone got it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You felt ungotted. I felt ungotted. Can we hear from Kira please just to close this very important life changing Easy Fridays? And I think we accidentally did get a little deep. So sorry, we can't help ourselves. No, it's, it's funny. Let's hear from Kira. Hi, my name is Kira, Gwinen, Abby, and Amanda, you have been helping me for years. I love you so much. This is less of a question and more to let you know about a time I did a hard thing.

The other day, I was at a phone company who will not be named, and they didn't trust what I came in to tell them about. So I was there for hours until they decided to let me know that it actually was a problem. And so I stood there and I turned the other cheek, and I went to every device in that phone company that will not be named store and downloaded and subscribe to the podcast. We can do hard things. No. As to leave a gift for everybody who comes across any of those phones to look at them.

So I just wanted to tell you about a time that I turned the other cheek and did a hard thing. I love you guys so much. Bye. Oh, my God. That's so sweet. I think there couldn't be a better way to go into our weekend, y'all. Let's just take whatever shit comes and just spin it into gold. Kira, that's so good.

You know, you fall on your ass. The phone company treats you like, shit. I just was thinking about my friend Rachel Held Evans. And she used to print out all the nasty, mean tweets that people tweeted at her. And because they would break her heart. And then she would turn them into origami. It's beautiful, like little swans and leave them. Just, you know, it's a superpower, right?

to take those moments where you feel like two options. I could make this way worse for everybody or I could find a way to spin it into gold. So maybe we try to do that this weekend. I don't have that kind of presence. I was raged and I cannot stand cell phone company stores. Yeah. So thanks, Kira, for doing hard things. All of you take easy.

And thanks for the subscribes and follows. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Yeah. The rest of you, subscribe and forth. Follow, please. It's actually really, really helpful. It is really important.

It is. I'm sure everybody's listening already has done it. But if you haven't, go to a little plus sign. Follow. Is that how they do it? Actually, can you tell them how to do it? Because I don't know how to do it. Yeah.

If you open up your podcast app on your phone, and I know every phone is a little different, go to the search or browse button. Search and you just type in, we can do hard things. Pops up the little purple, beautiful face of our dear Glennon. You just click on it. Okay. And then up in the top right hand corner, you got to make sure it's checked. If it's checked, you are following.

So thank you. If it's not checked, you need to check it. So it's probably a plus button. It's plus or follow. And some people it's a plus and some people it's a follow. Cool. Thank you all. It actually does make a big difference for us for lots of different reasons.

So thanks for doing that. After you do that hard thing, you don't have to do any more hard things because it's the weekend. try easier this weekend, take it easy on you. We are so grateful to you. For real, we talk about it every damn day. We can't believe we get to do life with you. And we will catch you next time. Have an easy weekend. Bye. Bye. We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts, especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it.

If you didn't, don't worry about it. It's fine.