We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 160. Fortune Feimster: A Queer Debutante Walks Into a Hooters . . .

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

1. Fortune’s life as a debutante without a couch and her first coming out party.  2. Fortune’s 21st birthday, and her family’s complicated relationship with Hooters.  3. The joys and perils of growing up as an 80s kid, and the shock of moving to LA from a small Southern town.  4. What Fortune was watching when she finally realized she was queer, and how she built community when she realized she was the only gay person she knew.  5. How she learned to let go of being someone she’s not – and starting living to please herself. About Fortune:  Fortune Feimster is a standup comedian, writer, and actor. Her first Netflix special, “Sweet & Salty,” was nominated for a Critics Choice Award, and her new comedy special – “Good Fortune” – is streaming now on Netflix. Fortune was a writer and panelist on the hit show “Chelsea Lately” and starred in “The Mindy Project”. She has also appeared in “2 Broke Girls,” “The L Word: Generation Q,” “Glee,” and “Life In Pieces”. TW: @FortuneFeimster IG: @fortunefeimster

Hi, everybody. You are in for a treat today because we have Fortune Teamster here. And this team over here is really excited. Oh my gosh. This is a pretty great group right here. I'm telling you. And we're all very good looking. Yes, we are. That's luckily. I'm so glad. I've been waiting, what, 150 episodes for someone to notice that quickly? Yeah. You're the smartest one we've had so far. This podcast is called Eye Candy Today. Yes. I can't be hard things. I knew that was coming sister.

Fortune Feamster is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor. Her first Netflix special, Sweet and Salty, so freaking good, was nominated for a Critics Choice Award and her new comedy special Good Fortune. So freaking good. It's streaming now on Netflix. Fortune was a writer and panelist on the hit show Chelsea Lately. This show loves some Chelsea And starred in the Mindy Project She has also appeared in two broke girls

The L Word, Generation Q Of course Like out for a minute Fortune, welcome Thank you This is so cool to be on here I appreciate it Oh my, we appreciate you

So the first question that I'm sure everyone asks you As soon as they see you Is clearly you were a debutante Yes Clearly. I mean, I think that my manners and ladylike behavior comes across pretty quickly. Yeah, I joked in the sweet and salty special about it because I never thought that would be something I would reveal to anyone. I thought it would be something I hid deep down in my treasure chest of memories. But my friend was like, you have to tell people about that. It's crazy because it's not anything.

I wanted to do or be a part of, but my mom was one and very determined for me to be one. Literally was working at a recreation apartment in town, lining softball fields, and then leaving and going to, like, you know, these parties where you'd eat little sandwiches. This is culture is so amazing. You need to tell us, my sister has tried to explain it. She went to college in the South, and so she has friends who did all of this extravaganza. It's amazing. What happens? Yeah, it's very, like, ladylike.

Like, you have to wear, like, a dress or a skirt, which I had none of. And my mom, I think, made me go to, like, Lane Bryant or something and buy lots of stuff with shoulder pads. Luckily, a friend of mine did it with me. And so we would just, like, have fun. But it was a lot of, like, shaking hands and thanking people for having us to their home. And thank you for the iced tea. It was like, yeah, a lot of manners. And what's the point of it?

You're being introduced to society as an available wife. I guess. Honestly, I haven't read the history of it because I'm too scared to. I don't want to know. Tell us. Fortune, this is your lineage that came from this. So the whole thing started in England. It was this idea of when aristocracy, children of aristocracy,

and very wealthy means were presented their daughters to the court. This is where we get homecoming court, right? Oh, no. Presented to the kings and queens and court of this daughter is now of breeding age and available for marriage. And the idea was, so debut, so debut, right? Your first coming out. I see. So this is, yes, you're coming out to the word.

Fortune, did you know it was called a coming out party? How ironic. Yeah. I said I came out twice. The first one was just the wrong coming out. The opposite, in fact. I knew I was being presented to society, but I honestly didn't know what that meant. Right.

And I, yeah, at the ripe age of 18, was not ready to A, get married or B, get married to a man. Yeah. So I'm glad that it was only in practice, like, oh, we're going to do this for, like, the the like fun party. Right. But no one, I wasn't promised to anyone. And your mom was into it. Your mom.

My mom was so into it because my family had come from money. My grandfather was this very prominent contractor. He built all these things all over North Carolina, schools, churches, houses. But he died unexpectedly. My grandmother made some bad business decisions. There was a lot of things. So that's how I came up. up, we had no money.

And so there was this big juxtaposition of like, my mom came from this world and I am not in that world. I would say that I would come home and like the couch would be gone. And I was like, where's the couch? And she was like, I had to pay for that deputy party. Oh my gosh. Are you kidding me? Is that not the epitome of like, here's your fancy dress.

So go out there and look rich and try to get rich. But don't try to sit on the couch because we have nothing. I mean, our house was empty, and I was going to debut top parties. Because you have to pay for all this stuff. And I was like, Mom, we don't have any money. Like, we can't do this. You have to buy a big white wedding gown for this ball. And that's an actual wedding gown I'm wearing.

It's nuts. And I say that my brother walks me down the aisle in a tuxedo. It looks like we're getting married. There's so much wrong with it. Wow. And so against my personality and anything that I want to be a part of. It's amazing. I mean, the whole Southern culture is so fascinating.

Can you tell us about your grandmother about the bridge games? Because this feels like part of the ritual that is so ingrained in Southern culture, which is so beautiful and brutal. Tell us about the bridge games that you used. My grandmother was such a lady, like very, like I said, prominent lady back in the day. But when I was young, she used to have bridge games over to her house. And it was this whole to do and all these proper ladies had their bridge tables. And they would kind of march us in to, I would say, the pleasure of allegiance.

And we had to learn how to properly shake a hand, you know, look someone in the eye and like make it a strong handshake. And then we had to like go over. around and ask everyone how they, I mean, I was like six, six or seven years old. Yes, ma'am, no ma'am. You know, I had that thick southern accent and just, yeah, like, do you need anything else to drink? Can we talk about what, why the hell the Pledge of Allegiance was required before a bridge of a bridge game? I honestly don't know.

As she got older, she stopped doing that thing and she loosened up a bit. She wasn't as, like, rigid. She was very into manners and how you're supposed to act. And so my brothers and I have great manners. We're always, except for eating, I'm a little, like a bit of a beast. That did not stick with me. My wife's always like, why are you licking your fingers? You were a debutante.

You should know this. This is my favorite part of the whole thing, because we have this southern emphasis on ritual and respect and the debutante lady. So obviously this family that has these Southern values would spend your birthday. Where? That's the thing. At a tea room, fortune?

Would you spend it at a tea room? We would not go to a tea room. We actually went to Hooters. It was my 21st birthday. I was in the closet because, you know, being from the South, I just didn't have examples. gay people. I didn't know any gay people. I went to a very small, ironically, women's college, where you think it would just be

chock full of lesbians. Not the case, you guys. Damn it. Of course you can't catch a break. I picked the one women college with no lesbians. So I was a late bloomer. And I remember my family wanted to take me to Hooters because it was like a place that you know, we've gone to many,

times before. But this was back when if it was your birthday at Hooters, they would, like, six Hooters' waitresses would grab you and parade you around the restaurant. And this is when Hooters was at the top of its game.

It was very popular. Now everyone's like, ah, boobs. We've seen them. But back then, everyone was like, boobs. So I'm telling everybody, like, do not tell them it's my birthday. I don't want that attention because it was

the place was packed with these like old school guys and I'm like they don't want to see me being paraded around by much of Hooters' wait for sits. So they, my brother's girlfriend told them and sure enough they came and grabbed me and walked me around the Hooters and I always

said it felt like a gay Salem witch trials where I was about to get Scarlet Letter in the town hall because they grabbed a bar stool. This was a tradition back then and they make you stand on this bar stool

in the middle of the restaurant. All these guys were like, what's happening here? And the girls circle around you and your present is that they jump up and down and you get to look down from your perch and see boobies flopping. That's your present.

Happy birthday fortune. So I just could not believe it that that was my present. And my whole family was like cheering and taking pictures. But cheering and taking pictures of Fortune on the barstool looking at boobs. And no one knows that Fortune is gay still including Fortune. Well, my brothers claimed that they had a pretty good idea. But my mom totally thought I was like looking for a husband. My mom was out to lunch.

She did not put two and two together. Maybe that's why she kept taking you to Hooters. She's like one of these guys. Yeah. I mean, even when I came out to her, she's like, are you sure? I'm like, I'm pretty sure. But your brothers, when you came out said, I came out to my brothers.

I was like, you guys, I'm gay. And my brother said, yeah, duh. And I was like, well, you know, thanks for telling me that. Yeah. And then I go, well, why did you think I was gay this whole time? What, you know, what gave that away? And he said, well, once when you were seven, you got hit with a soccer ball and you yelled, ow, my dick.

And I was like, what? It was wild. But you lived in North Carolina. When did you move to L.A.? I moved to L.A. after college. I graduated college when I was 22, moved to Spain for. a year randomly to like live and teach English. And then after that.

So I moved to L.A. in 2003. Okay. So you get to L.A. What was it like moving from your small town to L.A.? I mean, a total shock. I think if I had not gone to Spain for a year, I would have arrived to L.A. and left like six months later. But I think because living in Spain was so hard and there was that language barrier that I was like, well, if I can do that,

I think I can do anything because when you talk about doing hard things, that was very difficult. And the whole time I was like, why am I here? I don't know why I chose to do this. But I think because I was from a small town, my town was like eight or nine thousand people. My school was tiny. I always just felt like there was more. And I was like, I got to get out of my bubble. I got to see what's out there.

I got to like learn about the world. I was like, I'm going to go to Spain. I had no money. I got like eight jobs that summer and earned the money and went. And it was awesome. It was hard but awesome. I learned so much and grew up so much so that when I got to L.A., I was like, well, at least I can understand what people are saying.

Sort of. How many people do you think you were teaching English to? I was just tutoring. So it was like maybe four, only like four. Because I was like going to language school and then tutoring on the side. But I'll tell you this, I am not meant to be a teacher. My wife was a teacher for 12 years. My mom was a teacher for 30-something years.

My wife's mom's a teacher for 35 years. I tutored these young lads. And all they wanted to do is have fun. They wanted to like laugh and play games. And so I would come up with like improv games. These boys came from a very prominent family. And I don't think they were allowed to have much fun. And no one told me that the six-year-old had like homework every week and tests every week in English that I was supposed to be helping him with.

No one told me this. So every week we're just having fun, learning about animals and things in English. So it was my last day. I'm about to leave Spain forever. And the nanny tells me that the six-year-old has failed English. And I was like, hmm, I have to go. I have to show. That is exit stage left.

But it makes me laugh thinking about these kids walking around Spain having like the southern draw. Yeah. Do they hire a Carolina accent? I cannot believe in hindsight they hired me because this is a family that definitely wants their kids to speak like British English, not this. So I don't know what they were thinking because, oh, those poor boys. They're walking into jabon. of you's now going, hey y'all! Yeah, hey yo! Yeah, so best year of their life, they had more fun than ever, but did not learn anything. If you're a business owner who knows nothing about AI and

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price. So you get to L.A. Mm-hmm. This was like pre-Gee. P.S. Right? Yes. So you did some kind of strange things to find your way around. And is it true that you found a bunch of L-word bootlegs on Craigs list? Oh my gosh. You really did a deep dive. Yeah, I did. Wow. Yeah. So I was living in L.A. and that was pre-GPS. So that's when you were given a Thomas guide. A book of Grids. That you were just supposed to be like, I need to go to the Grove. C-9. You know, like, you're like, what? So yeah, I was like finding my way out here and I was not out yet. I think I was obviously something was bubbling inside of me because I remember that was when they had the gay pride weekend on the like local access channel.

I'm like, what's this? But again, I didn't know any gay people. I didn't know many people at all in L.A. And so I was just curious about the world and what it meant to be gay. And I just wanted some like information. And the L Word, I think, was maybe like one season in. And I didn't have Showtime because I was poor. Could not afford it.

So, yeah, you could, like, buy bootleg copies of it on Craigslist. And I bought the entire first season of the L Word on Craigslist. And it just showed up. And it was, you know, just those blank DVDs. There was like eight of them or something. I was like, all right. Here we go. And so, like, we'll put it in.

And just it blew my mind. I mean, not even the, like, salacious part of it, which shit had plenty. Just like seeing women go get coffee together or be in a relationship or have these friendships. Like, I had never seen that before in the terms of a gay world, a lesbian world. And that I was like, oh, my God, that's the thing I've been missing or, you know, that kind of thing. And I didn't come out still right away. way, but it definitely like got that going for me where I was like, well, this looks pretty fun.

Yeah. I remember that time. Yeah. Yeah. So did you, you watched it back then too or later on? No, because I for sure did. I'm new. I figured Abby did.

She's new. I'm newby. I missed that whole way. I wanted to be Shane. And also, I moved to L.A. shortly thereafter around the same time as you. And I kept going to the places. that I saw on the screen. And I'm like, where are the fucking lesbians?

Oh, well, you know what Fortune did? Fortune. So tell Abby what you signed up for in order to find the gays. Well. Once I came out, I was like, I got to find gay people to, like, show me the way. So I started joining, like, all these teams, like sports teams. I joined a soccer league. I was like, there's got to be lesbians in the soccer league.

There are. Yeah, and I joined a softball league. That's always pretty on the nose. There they are. Because soccer's like, there's lesbians and then there's also straight girls that just want to have fun. Yeah. Yeah. And then I joined an African drumming class in Venice.

I was like, I'm going to meet some lesbians here for sure. Wow. So, yeah. I just started spreading my gay wings. Innovative of you. But it wasn't the L word. that even made you, like so many of us, what did it take for you for you? Yeah, what was the aha moment?

So the aha moment is very embarrassing. I would love to be able to tell you that some amazing lesbian walked up to me and just laid one on me and rocked my world. That did not happen. That took a very long time to happen. What happened was I was at my house flipping through the TV channels and I can, came upon a lifetime movie called The Truth About Jane. Oh, my God.

And it was this girl in high school who was kind of in this coming out journey. And she was trying to figure out who she was. And her mom, played by Starker Channing, was very like, boo. She did not agree or support this. But the girl had a gay teacher who was very supportive and very attractive. It wasn't like that. It wasn't inappropriate. But I can say that.

To you, it was. Yes, exactly. So then the girl eventually realizes she's gay and comes out and is very proud. And I think gives like a speech or something at her school. And then her mom's like loves her and proud of her. And I was sitting there watching this like 17 year old go through this journey and be very brave. And here I was, I think it was like 25 or something. And I was like, oh my God.

And I said out loud for the first time in my life, I was like, I'm gay. And it was all from watching this lifetime movie. And I was like, are you kidding me? This is the thing. This is the catalyst that made me finally say it. But that's the truth. That's the truth about fortune. What are you scared?

That's the truth about fortune. For sure, that's the title of this episode. Yeah. Are you scared? Were you ecstatic? How did the aftermath of that realization go for you? I was like a lot of things. I was scared about how my family would react. I think I ended up not telling them for like six months. I wanted to like kind of figure out that world a little bit myself before I went and just, you know, pronounce this thing about myself. But there also was this giant weight lifted off my shoulder Because my whole life I had felt like

Something was missing Something's not right And I don't know what it is I could never pinpoint it I could be like constantly racking my brain Like what is this thing that's missing And I never had that thing with like guys where I wasn't like dating guys

We just had that thing where we'd like immediately high five. We had a very grow vibe with each other. Growing up, I was getting rejected in a way that I didn't even realize. I wasn't the object of affection for guys in that

way, so I just didn't have that. So I just remember always feeling a little empty. Like, I'm missing that love or affection that all these other people have gotten to experience. So I think I was just like relieved. Like, oh my gosh, I

I finally know what to even look for now. Before I just felt like I was just sort of, you know, aimlessly looking around. So it felt like I had a direction now in a weird way. And I felt free. This is who I am. And I get to now be that person and figure out who that person is. And it was a really, like, lovely thing to feel. And I also started comedy that year.

And I don't think it's any accident that both those things found each other in my life at the same time. Why? Why do you think it took the one to get the other? Because based on how I am as a comedian, I tell my story. And I think it would have been really weird to get up there and pretend to be something I'm not. Yeah. I think people would have, like, seen through me right away. And that authenticity, which I value and try to share with people would have been missing.

And I think that's a big piece of who I am as a comedian. Can you imagine me up there like, well, my boyfriend. Timmy. Tim. Tim. You just said, I can't imagine pretending to be something I'm not. Mm-hmm. But not to get too anthropological about like the same.

Southern Lady thing. But you grew up in a world where sweet ginger, your mama, would take you to Hooters, but then swear to God when she was dating a conservative man that she had never been to Hooters. And then you're out playing the role of a debutante, but you have no couch at home. So like, there's a lot about that life that is sort of pretending to be something you're not, right? So where does that ethos come from you where you're like, no, I need to be fully integrated in who I am? I'm sure that like seeing my mom go through her journey of like trying to be something she wasn't, you know, to please a man. I think that definitely bothered me back in the day. That whole that I have never been to Hooters, you're just like, we have been there my entire life. And now you're trying to act like you're.

a whole different person. Like, I hated that. I hated seeing that. And so I think there was that, like, probably internal thing of like that. I don't want to live my life like that. I don't want to be somebody I'm not to try to please somebody else. And she eventually grew out of that, too. She is not like that either.

Because there is a point, I think, that you reach in your life. You're like, I don't want to try to be something I'm not so that you'll like me. That doesn't feel good. And I think I just got to that place where I was just like, I just want to be me. I know it's taken me a long time to figure out who that even is, but now I have a better idea of that,

and that's all I want to be. I don't want to be a debutante. I don't want to be straight. I don't want to be whatever it is, you know. And that's where I think the weight lifted off came from because I didn't have to pretend anymore to please my mom or whoever it was. It's exhausting.

It takes so much more effort to be something that you're not than. And, you know, comedians, I think, have this beautiful way of being truth tellers. And it would be pretty backwards if you got up there and you were like, I'm straight. Yeah. I'm looking for a guy. Anybody knows anyone. Did you're coming, bringing your truth to your mom? Did that proceed her? Because I know she, where was she in her journey to come into herself? Because I'm wondering sometimes it's like when you say you weren't the object of affection of boys, it made pretending to be that impossible. Is it like? And your mom was walking that line where she sort of effectively was pretending was you're coming out a kind of watershed in her just being like, fuck it. I'm just not pretending anymore.

I'm trying to think where she was at in her life. She was no longer with that very conservative man who I have a feeling if I had come out earlier, it might not have gone over well because she was in the thick of that relationship and, you know, was really enamored with this person and it had sort of taken over her senses a little bit too much. So I think I had to get to a certain place in my life. And unfortunately, it lined up better with where she was at in her life. So she might have been single at the time. For her, there was acceptance from the beginning, which was amazing.

I know not everyone is so lucky. And for her it was, I'm worried that your life is going to be harder because of this. And there's nothing that you've done that you're just being who you are. but she knew, based on just being a person of the world and how people act, there are going to people that literally hate me because of this piece of information now. And I think that was really hard for her, and it made her sad. Like, I don't want you to have to deal with that. And I go, well, on the flip side, you know, not being who you are is a personal pain that, to me, is much greater than any hate.

someone's going to spew at me. I would much rather be happy with myself and my life than, you know, than be, like you said, accepted by everyone. So I think, you know, it just took her a minute to sort of wrap her head around what my life would look like. And as a parent, you've envisioned like, oh, like my kid's going to get married and have kids. You know, they have this traditional view, probably. And I think she just needed a minute to like rework that vision.

And she did. Didn't she become the president of P. Flagg in her town? She did, yeah, in Gasson County, which is a very conservative area in North Carolina. There was a P-flag group, but it was small and not doing much. And she went in there and eventually became the president. and they were very busy and doing things for years. Like she would go to gay pride parades, and those parents would write posters of support and love for gay people

and stand in front of the people with the hateful signs. And, you know, they would say, like, I love my gay child. Just support. And I would get emails and tweets constantly from people like, I saw your mom at this event or this private. parade and my parents didn't accept me coming out and seeing your mom, you know, be that way and love you no matter what. It gives me hope. And it was amazing. I think she did it for like, gosh, like 10 years. And she had to finally take a break during the pandemic. I was like,

you've done your gay work. Take a break. Take a break. God bless Ginger. Yeah. She really resonates with a lot of people because she's a spunky, full of personality woman and just very active and supportive of the gay community. Thank you, Ginger. Yeah. Our mom does that too. Our mom's all over the place. She's planning trans celebrations at her church.

She actually changed churches. She went to from a, what was she sister? She was Episcopalian. She was Catholic. Then she's Episcopalian. Then she moved to Universalist. Unitarian. It's a unitary.

It's a slippery slope. It's slippery slope. Yeah, my mom talks about that a lot because she's Methodist and there's been a lot of internal stuff going on with the church. So she's very vocal about that. There's one side that wants to accept, you know, the gay clergy and all that stuff and another side that doesn't. So I don't know where they're at with that right now, but she's always real annoyed by it. Thank you for being annoyed, Ginger. We appreciate you.

She's trying to get those methodists set straight in a gay way. Good luck, Ginger. It's so cool because it seems like a dramatic shift, but really it's just the re-funneling of that energy. Because when it's like all the passion and the sacrifice she was willing to make, she's getting rid of all the furniture in your house so you could be a debutante trying to like make your life good, right? The way she sees it. And then it's just a shift in being like, oh, no, this is where she needs me. She needs me over here instead of over here.

And so it was just like a re-funneling of that passion. That's beautiful. It's a new year and instead of trying to reinvent myself, I've been asking a simpler question. What would actually support me right now? And honestly, a big part of that answer is my home. I want my space to feel calmer, more functional, and a little more like a place that can reflect my goals

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it felt like a scavenger hunt with no map, pages of names, long wait lists, voicemails that never got returned. I remember thinking if this is what it takes just to talk to someone, no wonder people give up. So when I found Alma, it felt like someone finally turned the lights on. Alma, ALMA, is this beautifully simple way to find licensed in-network therapists without all the runaround. You can browse without even making an account and you can filter for what actually matters. The therapist's approach, background, specialty, lived experience, whatever helps you feel understood. Nearly everyone who finds a therapist through Alma, 97% say they felt genuinely seen and heard. Better with people, better with Alma.

Visit helloalma.com slash weekend to schedule a free consultation today. That's hello-a-l-m-a-com slash W-E-C-A-N. We talk a lot about the, I'm so scared life's going to be so hard for you. I think there's so many parents who, out of fear, try to change their kid. Right. Because they're so scared the world's going to be. And so it's a different shift to say, okay, no, I'm not going to change my kid, but I'm going to work to change the world for my kid. Which is what your mom chose.

Yeah. It's a beautiful, I think it's a better choice. Absolutely. I would agree. And, you know, I'm in a weird place. I didn't just, like, come out. And like I'm living my life back home. I'm a very out there-shaped person.

You know what I mean? I'm doing comedy specials where I'm talking about coming out. I'm bringing my wife on stage. I'm sharing very personal things about my life. So it does open you up to get criticism, to get hate, but to get to be that, you know, some representation for people that I didn't get to have growing up, you know, to me makes it worth it. If you can like help someone in their journey, I think that's so great.

Yeah. So you're not having to bootleg the L word to actually see other gay people. I mean, it's so important. I just think anybody who's put themselves on television or in a public way, putting themselves out there as themselves as a gay person in the world, I know that I look back and I think about all of those moments in the late 90s and the, the early 2000s, that totally changed the trajectory of my life. Yeah. And for you to be doing that now, it's like, I can imagine it's not just like a couple of kids that are getting changed. It's thousands

and thousands of people who are looking at you, not only standing up there talking about it, but being proud of it, right? Yeah. I mean, that was the thing that blew me away during the pandemic because my sweet and salty special came out and then the world shut down a month later. And I, And I found that all these people were starting to watch it with, like, their parents. And maybe they wouldn't have spent that same kind of time with them otherwise. And I was getting so many emails from young people saying, like, they were scared to come out. So they had their parents watch my special. And they would like watch, they would watch their parents, watch the special and see if they laughed.

And if there was joy or, you know, some positivity in their face. And if there was, they came out to them after watching it. And I couldn't believe it. And then on the flip side of that, I had so many parents reach out to me and say, I had this feeling that my kid might be gay. And so we put on your special to show them that they could, like, be safe to come out. And I was like, oh, my God. You put this stuff out. you don't think about these things that can come of that in that kind of way.

And that just, it blew me away that that could have that impact. And I'm really grateful that it did. I feel like that more than makes up for those four kids in Spain that you screwed up. Thank you. Like more. I'm just looking for validation. You're netting out. Yeah, you're netting out really well.

Let's switch to the opposite of parents who are afraid and shouldn't be. Can we switch to being children of the 80s and dealing with parents who should have been afraid but were not for us? Yes. Yeah, I love it in every comedy bit to do some sort of throwback. In my sweet and salty, I talked about being a terrible swimmer. Yeah. Oh, my God. That part.

And running across the pool. Which was very true. I still do that. After being, like, tweaking from the six pounds of fun dip, you had been eating before. The fun dip, aka kids cocaine. Yes. Yeah. So I thought what would be another, like, fun throwback?

And I was thinking about, like, how, you know, my wife's a kindergarten teacher for 12 years. And she's so, like, good and hands on and very, you know, careful with the kids. And I'm like thinking like, it wasn't like that for me. And I legitimately found a picture of me in kindergarten class. And we were outside hammering, hammering nails. What? And I'm beside my teacher, so there was supervision. But I'm like, why at five years old were we hammering nails?

Like that just seems like too soon. Yes. And then it got me thinking about, yeah, the recess out there was just crazy because they did used to have these large tires, these random big tires that they would push up this hill in the back of elementary school, and we would run up there and get into the middle of these tires. And our teachers would push us down these, like, I'm not talking like a little tiny hill. I'm talking about like a ski slope size hill.

And we would just be going, you know, and crashing into like a wall. It was so dangerous. I got a black eye at one point when I was in kindergarten just because we were just left to our own devices. And nobody cared. No. Nobody cared. I mean, nowadays, the school, the teachers would get sued. and it would never happen.

And then the metal, the metal, all the metal and the burning hot and the things that would swing you around. Melting in the sun. Yes. And the merry-go-round's truly someone got stuck underneath it every day. I mean, now you get an ice pack if you have a headache. That's right. I'm like, this kid's kneecap has been split open. Nothing.

And I don't even know if our teachers went outside. I think they just stayed in the room. The smoking lounge. In the smoking lounge. Yeah. So I really love doing that throwback because anyone that grew up around that time was everybody's like, oh yeah. Oh, yeah. That's how it was.

I know. We watched the special with one of our kids the other night. And I look over at her whenever you go to a throwback 80 story. She's just like this. She's like, what? It's like, no idea. And we're rolling. We're just dying.

Yeah, it's funny to see people when I talk about a little part about the calculator and writing boobs. It's the best. Or hello. Hello was a good one too. Wait, was it? I thought it was 6.065. Is it eight?

It's uppercase or lowercase. Yeah, it depends on what your boobs are. I mean, for you have an uppercase. Boob kind of a gap. I was in all caps, baby. When I watched the special, I was like, I think she got it wrong. It's just because you had small boobs at that time. I was small boobs.

I'm more small boobs. We're a lowercase boob family. Yeah, but six does work. That is lowercase boobs. We live in this little neighborhood and this woman, I just watched her special. Then I was outside. My son was playing in the front yard. He's 10.

And this woman who's walking across the street from my house. And she is, her face is like blanched, freaking out. And she's screaming into my yard. And she's going, is that your kid? My kid's friend had just walked over to her house. Okay, lives five houses down. Walking over. And she goes, I just saw a kid walking down the street alone.

And I was like, wow. Oh. And it just made, after watching a special one, like, this woman is about to call 911 because she's seen a kid just walking about. And I was like, I was going to report you. Yeah, she's going to report us. And when I was that age, I was babysitting actual baby children. Yeah. We used to babysit baby children.

And they'd be like, are you old enough to call 911? But are you young enough to not have your boyfriend come over? and make out after it goes to sleep. Like that was the criteria. Yeah, I think I started babysitting at 10. Yeah. Yes. I was like calling my grandmother saying how scared I was and can she come over and protect

all of us? Can you come over and babysit me? You're like, I'm not sure this 75 cents an hour is worth the stress. It was, yeah, because I remember we would leave the house at like, you know, 10 a.m. on our bikes and be gone until 6 p.m. Yeah. And our parents had no idea where we were. and they would walk outside.

It was getting dark and they would yell. My mom would just yell out into the ethers for us to come home. And somehow that sound traveled like a mile. And I was like, it's time to go home. Yeah. It's dinner. It's food. My mom actually locked us outside.

She would lock the door. So we'd have to like pee in the bushes and drink water from like the hose tap on the side. Oh, my gosh. That's heroic. That's a heroic. It's so different. But. So you,

different times. You mentioned Jacks and that she was a teacher. Can you talk to us? Because you guys are so sweet and cute and enjoyable. And Biggie. And Biggie. Yeah. Tell us about how you met.

You and Jacks met. We met seven years ago at Chicago Pride. Ooh. Yeah. I never in a million years thought I would have any significant relationship. that came out of pride. But it was weird. It was the day after marriage equality passed,

which seemed so wild because I remember I was doing a pride show, and it passed that day. And everybody that night, there was just this electricity of like, oh, my God, like we never thought we'd get here, you know. And I remember, like, going through all the ups and downs of profits. in California and being so devastated and gathering in big groups to just sort of have this like, you know, solace with each other. And here it was like, oh my God, how historic.

And I had never thought about marriage, truth be told. I didn't know that I would be lucky enough to have that. I didn't envision it for myself, probably because of growing up, not having those relationships. So I felt very hopeful. and I remember walking down the Minneapolis airport and they were like, they have it all the time, but it's like a rainbow corridor of lights.

And I remember like walking down this being like, holy crap, we get to get married. That's insane. And then that night I met Jacks. I walked up to this event. I was there for like maybe 15 minutes. They had asked me to come host, and I was watching the performers. And she just walked up.

She walked up with a friend and started chatting. And I thought they were together. And we took a picture. And I was like, this girl's really cute. But I guess they were together. Oh, well. And she came back, like 10 minutes later saying her picture was bad. I was like, oh, yeah, sure, sure it is.

And I got this, like, false sense of confidence. thinking that she was coming to, like, hit on me, which I never thought. I was always that person that was like, oh, you like the person behind me, right? So I just was like, oh, I think she's, like, trying to come back and talk to me. So it made me be, like, a little bit more, I don't know,

like, what's up? What's up, girl? And we kept running into each other all night. Yeah, right? And we ran into each other all night. And there were all these different distractions trying to like kind of keep us apart because it was pride and crazy.

But we just kept finding each other in this giant crowd. And yeah, started getting to know each other, hung out that whole weekend. And then dated long distance for like a year. But I remember leaving Chicago that weekend being like, there's something different here. This doesn't feel like some random person I met. And she never felt like a stranger.

I'd never had that with anyone. We get that big time. Yeah. We met in Chicago also. You did? I didn't know it was Chicago. Yeah. It was like pride, but it was a librarian convention.

Yeah. It was amazing. Same. We loved those librarians. Have you ever hit a point at work where everything just feels heavy? Not just a bad week, but the kind of burnout where you're staring at your laptop thinking, I can't keep doing it like this. You're not alone.

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I'm going to propose. Yeah. I mean, pretty early on, even in that long distance situation, we went a couple months before we had that, like, talk of like, what are we? kind of thing. But even early on and then, I was like, I feel like this, this is a significant person for me. We just clicked.

And a year into being together, we kind of came to an impasse. She was a teacher. So for her to move, she had to do it in the summer or else it was going to be a whole other year. She didn't want to disrupt, like, kids' lives by uprooting and leaving them midway through a school year. we both were so exhausted from traveling because I was touring. So we were touring and trying to see each other often.

So we were both just like, are we going to do this? It was a little less romantic than it should have been. It was like, I'm tired. You're tired. Let's be tired together forever. Yeah. Yeah. So we decided let's do it.

And I'll tell you, that was one of the, even though I knew, like, this person is incredible. And I would be so lucky to be, like, with this person forever. It was so scary. Because I had never been in this kind of significant relationship before. She had to make the decision to uproot her entire life, leave her friends, a job she loved. And I kept thinking, like, am I ruining this person's life by having them come, be a part of. of this circus that I'm in that is comedy. And there was so much fear for both of us, but we weren't really talking about it.

We just were like, let's just do it. So we got her packed up and drove her cross, we drove cross country. And I realized that we had both had such fear and not talked about it, but it came out in a very crazy way. We stopped in Oklahoma City and we went to dinner and I ordered this giant fried chicken dinner that came with like 10 sides. It was humongous. And she ordered meatball sliders. And I was like, oh, we're just going to share everything. And she's like, sure.

And our food comes. And I'm literally eating like a feast for like eight people. cool. And I go reach for one of her meatball sliders and she's like, oh, you have like eight things. And I was like, I thought we were sharing. Because I'm just like so obsessed with food. And she's like, yeah, but I just actually want this. And I'm like, what are we're sharing?

And she was like, I can't do this. And I've got like, you know, gravy coming down my face. Like, what? What I do? And like we almost like, She, like, loved. We almost broke up over a meatball slider on the way for her to move to be with me. But I realized we realized after that night, it was because we were both so terrified and just couldn't say that to each other that we were, like, fighting over a meatball slider. Isn't that how?

She's like, I've given a meatball slider. Yeah. She's like, I've given up my friends, my family, my job, my student. Just let me have the fucking slider. Let me have my. meatball sliders and I'm like, but I want a meatball sliders. I was such an idiot. We got to L.A.

And I remember we went to bed that night, woke up and just all that pressure, all that fear just melted away. It just went away. We had to kind of have that like, and get it out. And then as soon as she moved in, it felt like, oh, this is, yeah, this is what we're supposed to be together. we fit right away. We spent all of our time together and never got tired of each other. And it's still like that. So yeah, you just have to tell each other.

You're scared, but it's so hard to do that, you know. Yeah. Do you share food now? I want to share everything. Okay. And she's still like, yeah, I don't, like, you can have some of it, but I'm still, like, I'm still, like, so obsessed with food. I'm like, I want to try eight things on the menu. And she's like, just order your one thing.

You're good. You don't have to have all of it. So when you say share, you mean I want to also take yours. Yes. Yes. That's what Glennon also is prescribing in that. Oh, are you? I'm like, I've ordered what I ordered knowing exactly how much I want to put in my face.

Sharing is Carrie. No. Sherry is Carrie. I say that too. Don't you love me? Don't you want me to have some of that? She's like, no. Okay, this is called We Can Do Hard Things.

Tragically, we only have another minute. What's hard for you right now? Yeah. Well, I'm such a workhorse. I am just like on that path of like trying to do everything. You know, I'm so lucky to be at a place in my career where people want to come to shows or that I'm going to opportunities to act or whatnot. I would say juggling all of this is difficult.

I'm trying to remember to find balance because I want to work and do this because I love it so much, but I want to make sure that my wife is okay, that our life is good, and then I'm not so consumed with trying to, quote unquote, make it or, or, you know, but be successful that I'm ignoring the big things in my life that really matter, like my family, like my wife and us being happy and balanced. Thank you for that. That's beautiful. We don't relate at all, but we do.

We relate very much to that. We relate big. Orchie, thank you for just making that decision to be you and be you out loud because it's really helping the world. It makes a huge difference. I appreciate that. You guys are, you do the same thing.

Like having your example of who you guys are and your love and who you are individually and who you are together. I think that means so much to people to see your example. Thank you. Ditto to you, my friends. We love you so much. And we're going to have to have you on next time, another time, because. With Jacks. Maybe Jacks will come.

Maybe you can come for double day. You and Jacks. And I just need to know more about the butch woman that lives inside of you. The bit that has started four million conversations between the two of us. Well, y'all know I am a debitant. So I guess you just can't get rid of some parts of yourself. Such a lady. Such a lady.

Well, this is awesome. Thank you all for having me. Thank you for coming. Sissy, did you want to say something? You looked like you were about to say something. Oh, I was just saying big shout out to Biggie. Biggie. I mean, if you think you love fortune, wait till you meet Biggie.

My dog is adorable. My dog is the best. We're so obsessed with him and we wake up every day happy because he's looking at us with with unconditional love and there's no greater feeling than waking up to him and coming home to him. We went down a Pomeranian rabbit hole after your show. Because we also, too, are equally as obsessed with Biggie as you are. If Jacks finds another one like that, that's a rescue, can you just have her send it to me? We're looking because Abby told me you wanted to find one.

So we'll let you know. Thank you. Thank you. We love you, fortune. Go watch Fortune shit. Go to her shows. Good Fortune. Good Fortune.

On Netflix. Do not miss it. Good Fortune. Watch it with your family. We love you. Thanks, Fortune. Bye. See you next time.

time all. Bye. We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts. Especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't, don't worry about it. It's fine.