We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 164. What Anxiety Feels Like

Episode Date: December 29, 2022

At the end of our first full year together, Glennon, Abby, and Amanda reflect on We Can Do Hard Things, this community, some of their favorite episodes, and they reshare the very first show: 1. The original idea for the podcast and how it’s evolved. 2. Glennon describes how an anxiety attack feels – and the 3 strategies that help her find calm. 3. Amanda shares some special “thank you” messages to Glennon, Abby, and the Pod Squad.

We can do hard things, Pod Squad. We have together twice a week, sometimes three times, made it through this year. Oof. You all, we did that. By the skin of our teeth and the hair of our chinny chin chins, which are many and of varied colors lately. A plethora. They don't tell you that shit. I got a couple.

Yeah. All you have to do is go into the car or into a hotel room and you will see yours. we are ending this year, which we're so grateful to have done with you. And we're going to go back to the beginning for a few minutes because that's kind of fun to do and think about when we started this pod. Oh my gosh. Which some of you don't know. I started doing this pod by myself. Okay.

I want you to imagine me doing this pod by myself. And that is what it was like. It was terrible. It was bad. It was bad. I kept sending files and the team kept going, hmm. Well, you would lock yourself in the closet and you would just talk by yourself. I just talked like what's going on in my head.

And then I kept thinking, I think the thing about podcasts is that they're conversations. Yeah. We were new. I think that's what happened. So then I said, sister, can you please join me? Yeah. Do you remember that? No, thank you.

Right. No, thank you very much. How did we convince you? Like, how did that end up happening? Well, you pulled the big boss card and you're like, this is what's happening. Right. And I said, okay. Right.

I needed a help. I needed someone to talk to besides the different voices in my head. Yeah. And then. Which doesn't technically count as a conversation. Exactly. And then one day we invited Abby onto the pod. guest post. Just a guest.

And suddenly. My feelings weren't hurt. My feelings weren't hurt, I swear. And suddenly it was as, it was like what happened when you entered our family. Oh. It was like, oh, you weren't added to our family. You were missing from our family before. And that is how it felt that day on the pod. Because now we know that when it was just me speaking, we had a disembarrassed. embodied ghost spirit talking to itself.

Yeah. Then sister was added and we suddenly had a soul and a brain. So that was good. But then when you got here, we had all three things. Mine. We had mind, body, and spirit. And in you, we got all the joy and the presence and the embodiment of everything, which is you.

And now this is what we get to do. What a great mistake this all has been. Yes, as always. So what we're going to do is we're going to take you back to the beginning. And we're going to a very beginning. A very good place to start. And the first episode that we ever did was about anxiety. Because I think it's my best foot forward. That's what I know the most about. And it's a good time to just talk about that. this time of year brings up so much of it. And so a lot of people found this episode really helpful to them in grounding themselves and not feeling alone and getting out of our anxious selves. So we're going to take you back to this. And when we're mentioning this, what are you two, remember those early days? So many episodes helped me to do so much in the beginning. And what were

some of your two favorites? Sister, do you have favorites? I have a lot of favorites. I think I really loved episode 86, the Jen Hatmaker one where we talked a lot about forgiveness and that kind of made me reimagine forgiveness. I loved Alok's episodes. They, for me, are all just just the revolution of possibility and rethinking ourselves. I love the live event. episode 112. It was your recovery. I was starting meds and Abby's infamous Macron and Grill story. I loved 141 with Sarah Borrellas. Oh, Sarah. So beautiful. And obviously, sex life with Lori Brotto, I thought was beautiful, 105. I think it's my final frontier. And overwhelm number six is my... Stealing mind. special to me because it was kind of my first risking to bear myself completely. And everyone was so embracing of allowing me to do that. So that was special to me. Yeah, I think overwhelm was my favorite

me too. Me too. Really? Yeah. Because it was like the time where you brought all of it and we're like, oh God, I hope we'll see. And for you. We'll see. Yeah. It was one of the first times we had seen you be publicly vulnerable. Before the podcast, you've been not in front of the house. You've been what is it called? Back of the house. Where you're part of the creation of the business that you and Glennon have shared for all these years, but you haven't been the forward facing. And so this was like this beautiful moment for us to be witnessing and watching and experiencing. I've listened to it over and over again. I also really love the Becky Kennedy episodes, all of them. What numbers are I'm 130 and 131. And then we're having her back soon. Yeah. And you all, we should mention,

which we never do this, you all have made this podcast. Like those Dr. Becky episodes were the fourth most shared episodes of all the podcasts in all the land. In 2022. In 2022. Like there's seven bazillion podcasts, okay? And not like of the relationship podcasts. Like of all the podcasts that the Those episodes were the fourth most shared in the whole world. That's why I love this pod squad so much is that they're not just thinking of themselves. I know. They're sharing it with their friends. They then send it to their people and are like, hey, listen to this.

This was, this changed me. And that for me is why this podcast is so, so special is that it just echoes and the, the, the, the rippling effect is just unreal. May I take a couple of moments to give thank yous? Yes. Because I have a thank you. you for each of you and then also for the pod squad because I feel like it's a big moment capping off this first full year. Okay. I want to thank you, Glennon, for trusting me with this podcast and with these conversations and my ideas and judgment and for always making me feel

like I have just as much a seat at this table as you. I did not want to co-host this podcast. I really decidedly and decisively did not. And as the months have passed, I have come to very much love being a co-host of this podcast. And I am very grateful to you for that. Thank you, Abby, for always being so open-hearted and humble and real. As Glellan always says, you are not added to this family. You are missing from this family. And you are not added to this podcast before you came.

You were missing from it. And I can't imagine our family or this podcast without you. And my biggest thank you is to the pod squad. Very sincerely, the reason I've come to love being a co-host of this podcast is because of you. As a woman who is back of the house for over a decade, it could have gone another way. Because y'all knew you loved Glennon. And here comes regular ass Amanda with my regular ass problems and my righteous rage and my tedious facts and origin of words. And y'all could have said, no, thank you very much.

But you have gifted me with your outrageous welcome into your lives and your soul affirming me twos. And you've made me feel like my regular ass life and rage has found a friend in yours. And it's maybe the most important moment of my feeling seen and valued for something outside of my hustle. You've made me feel special. really special in all of my regularness. And I thank you and I want you to know that you are deeply, deeply special in all of your regular struggle and questions and anger and resentments and small joys and triumphs too. That's something that I've learned from this time together. We are all deeply, profoundly special and deeply profoundly connected. And the more we accept that, the more I think

we can change the world together and find joy in it. I mean, isn't this are the most furthest thing from regular that you've ever... So, regs. Thank you for that, Sissy. Yeah, received big time. And to the rest of you, please keep telling us, we want to know what you want to be talking about this year. Don't worry, we have ideas. But the best thing about this pod is that it's a relationship between you and us. And we want to hear your requests.

If you have people you want us to talk to, ideas, issues, conflicts, whatever. Call, let us know. 747, 200, 5307. As always, we are listening. I mean, you know, it's the whole reason why I'm still here is the pod squad required it. That's right. It wasn't because of you too. Call in and keep me here.

It's like dancing with the stars. Call in and vote for us. Go for me. No, I don't want a vote because I know how that would go. No. I see your comments. I'm old news. Okay. I don't know if this is often said, but please enjoy anxiety. Hi, I'm Glennon Doyle. I'm so grateful to be here and so very grateful that you've come to join me. This is the first episode of We Can Do Hard Things, which means this is the first time I've ever done this.

So let me set the scene for you. I'm sitting here. I'm sitting here. at home in Naples, Florida, in my office in front of this fancy microphone that I really hope is working. It's early in the morning, and my wife, Abby, and the three kids are still asleep. I'm in my PJs, and I've got a huge mug of steaming hot coffee, which is my favorite thing. My second favorite thing, my bulldog, honey, is sleeping at my feet. You know, since I got sober 19 years ago, these early mornings have become my very favorite time of day. Because soon the world will wake up and I'll slip right into all of my roles and I'll forget my soul completely like I do every day.

But on mornings like this, just for a bit, it's quiet enough to remember. I think my hope, my great hope for this podcast is that no matter when during the day or week you listen, that we can do hard things will become a time, week where you will remember the you beneath all your roles. So my kids and I have a word for how I feel right now, which is skided. Skided is how I feel when I'm making myself vulnerable and I'm trying something new for the first time. It's half scared, half excited, you know, that butterfly feeling. That's how I feel this morning talking to you for the first time. Scared, but also excited because this feels like a returning,

this talking directly to you in this way. It feels like a homecoming for me. Because 19 years ago, after more than a decade of addiction, I found myself freshly sober, newly married, and dripping with children. I couldn't find time in the day to shower, much less to get to the recovery meetings that had saved my life. And I started to seriously panic because I knew I needed those meetings. Those rooms were the first places I ever felt like I could stop acting and just breathe.

I needed to hear and speak the truth like I needed to inhale and exhale. So one day the doorbell rang and I answered it with a baby on my hip, of course, and I'm sure another one at my feet. And my sister Amanda was there, holding a computer. And she handed it to me and she said, sister, start writing. And when you write, use the voice you use in your meetings. While you're here stuck at home with the babies, just go ahead and turn the whole world into a meeting. So since my sister is the boss of me, that's what I did. I started waking up at five every morning while it was still dark and silent and the kids were asleep and I'd shut myself into the closet in my bedroom, and I'd start typing, and I'd use the voice that I used in those recovery

meetings. I'd tell my shiny, happy representative self to be quiet, and I just allowed my wild, original, honest, truth self forward. I started a blog, and it turned out lots of people needed to hear the truth, like they needed air. Over time, as I wrote to you each morning, you became my meeting, my friends, the community I'd end up doing life with. Since those early days, a whole lot has changed for me. First of all, I've come out of the closet. Ha! I got divorced from Craig and married my wife, Abby, and we three are raising our babies together. Those babies are now 18, 15, and 13. The oldest one is off to college this fall. I'm handling that. swimmingly, as you might imagine. And those early writings have turned into three books,

the last of which was untamed. I watched from my home this past year in awe as untamed became one of the biggest books of 2020 and 21. And because of that, things have gotten bigger and wider and fancier and the bigger and the wider and the fancier it all gets. the more I miss those early days. So here we are. Back to the beginning, just you and me, and the early morning and our coffee and the truth. Full circle.

Makes me very happy. So we're going to get into it now. But before we do, I have to tell you my big surprise. My big surprise for you is this. You know that sister I told you about, who got me started right. Well, she and I have been doing life together since she was born three years after me, and I have finally convinced her to come out from behind the scenes to join us here on the podcast.

My sister is the best thing I have to offer. So I am so excited to give you the gift of her. You will find her to be brilliant and hilarious and honest. But I am telling you, you should also watch out, because to this day she keeps a revenge list on her computer made up of all the people who have ever done me wrong. Amanda thinks in spreadsheets and I think in colors. So together we have always made one pretty cool human. Have you ever hit a point at work where everything just feels heavy? Not just a bad week, but the kind of burnout where you're staring at your laptop thinking,

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Go to quince.com slash hard things for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash hard things to get free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash hard things. All right, so let's get started. Sister, are you there? How are you feeling? I'd say since I'm very used to being at the back of the house, I'd say I'm not so much skited as just scared. Okay. So I think that you should bring the hard thing today because I feel like I'm already doing mine just by showing up. There you go.

Okay, I've got you, sister. Okay. So my hard thing that I'm bringing today is the hard thing I bring to every day. my anxiety. So you know about my complicated relationship with anxiety, which I guess has been lifelong. So I became a food addict when I was 10 and then alcohol addict later in life. And I got sober when I was 25. And the interesting thing about getting sober is that I thought that booze and food were my problems. I thought addiction was my problem. But through early recovery, I learned that booze and food were kind of my ineffective and dangerous solutions to my problem, which was anxiety and depression.

So being anxious and depressed at the same time is a little bit like being Eeyore and Tigger at the exact same time every day. Like I'm kind of sad always and very intense about it. very like I and you know I have times in my life when anxiety comes in big time or depression comes in big time but I don't relate so much to people who feel it intensely at some points and and then it goes away completely I feel like it's kind of a part of me all the time that I'm kind of always at the foundation of me, I'm always kind of afraid and sad. And I can have all the other emotions. And as you know, I do all day. But sad and scared are kind of where I live. So scared is the anxiety and sad is depressed?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Like at least once a day, I think I am sad about everything. So in the beginning of COVID, as you know, it was so interesting because Abby turned to me, I don't know, three or four weeks in and she said, you are the calmest one in this house. You don't get that a lot. I've never heard that in my life. And I was. I was feeling so steady suddenly. And she was freaking out about the world, about the family, about work, about everything.

And I was very steady and it was so interesting. And so then I started talking to some of my other friends who deal with anxiety and depression. And they too felt very calm. And what we decided was that we had always been living on a level 10. And everybody else in the world was on a level 5. And finally, the rest of the world was joining us in our panic. It's like we were chicken littles, you know, running around our whole lives. Like the sky's going to fall, the sky's going to fall. And then it fell. And we were all like, well, how you like us now?

We told you the sky was going to fall. It's like when it's sunny outside and it makes me so sad because I feel this guilt of not being out there. But when it's raining, I'm like, thank you outsides for matching my insides. Now I don't have to excuse myself for not going outside. This sun is so judgy and bossy. It shines out there telling you you should. if you were healthier, you'd be out enjoying me. It's shaming you. Yes. It's shaming. Yeah. And I really did feel like always that, you know, there was a level of, okay, well, I live, I've learned how to live with this fear and stress.

And so I can help now. Like, I've been preparing for this moment my whole life. Yeah. I was made for this. I was made for this moment. I know how to be scared all the time and still kind of show up, you know. So there was a while where the anxiety got better. And then it didn't.

So I don't, lately, the anxiety has just been through the roof for me. And I don't know if it's related to, this is really embarrassing, but I think it might be slightly related to going back to normal. It just feels so ridiculously vulnerable to be out in the world. And I have always felt that a little bit. But as you know, my hard thing is that I have. had an actual anxiety attack last week. And I haven't had one of those real intense ones for a very long time. But I got home. And so I think like what I want to describe to everyone is there's

different levels of anxiety, right? There are different ways that anxiety manifests. So how would you say? I mean, you are in general a little bit more mentally typical, would you say, than I have always been? How would you describe yourself compared to me in terms of? Well, relative to you probably. Relative to your average bear, I'm not sure. I am whatever is the exact opposite of easy, breezy. Right. Everything is intense and I'm never settled or calm. You know, every single thing is like, emergency, high stress.

This is the most important thing that happened. Yeah, and it feels like yours is related, the way that I see it, The way I see your anxiety, and for people who are a little bit more neurotypical, is that your anxiety seems to be appropriately matched to the life situation you're in. You have a very, very high stress life, schedule, day. You're in it with two young kids. You run our business. You have a very, very intense life.

And so when your anxiety gets high, I can see, oh, that's matched to her circumstances. to what's being required of her. Right. Correct. Would you say that? I would say that, but I would also say that some of it I feel like is just the way we were made. Like I think I'm always going to find a way to project manage my life into a whirlwind. Like I mean, like, if you were like, why didn't I become a gardener?

I would be the most miserable, overachieving, stressed out gardener in the history of gardeners. So I just think some of it is just like personality type too. It's of my own doing to myself, is what I'm saying. I don't feel like there's this external force on me that is shifting me outside of my actual ambitions and goals and projects that are self-imposed. Okay. Okay. Got it. So you think yours is personality driven. I get that. I feel like what I'm trying to explain about the anxiety that I feel like is tied to mental health with people or mental illness is that it feels very existential. My anxiety has nothing to do with what's being required of me. I know stress. I know stress. I mean, I have to do a lot of things. I have

big job. I know stress. Anxiety is completely different. Anxiety. So I will sometimes be sitting at a restaurant, okay, and looking at all of the people, just eating their dinner and using their forks and talking to their people and looking so calm. And every once in a while, I just want to stand up and be like, are you all aware that one day, perhaps not too soon, we are all going to die? And so is everyone that we love? All of them. For sure. 100%. And you are ordering onion soup. Like what? It blows my mind. That's why you're so fun at parties. I know. I know. I know. Okay. Yeah. Yes. But what I'm saying is I remember being little and being in therapy and being diagnosed with anxiety and thinking, okay, maybe I am anxious.

Or maybe you just aren't paying attention to what's happening in the human experience, right? What's not to be anxious about? Everything. Point to it. Point to something that's not to be anxious about. It just feels as if non-anxiety is the supreme. or the compartmentalization of the actual human experience to me. Isn't it? That's correct. I mean, think about all the things throughout the day. Yes, everyone you love's going to die. Yes, you're getting in a little like tin vehicle that's like a 300 pound tank and care reining down the road, just really hoping that any of these other people don't smash into you. Like,

it does require the suspension of logic to get through all of that. It's true. Yes. Yes, it does. Yes, it does. And every once in a while, I am unable to compartmentalize. I am unable to pretend that what's happening in my life and in everyone's lives and in the world is not happening or is not inevitable. And those are the moments where I freak out. To me, it feels like, okay, it's mental illness, it's anxiety. But I have this part of me that is a little bit belligerent and wants to insist, I don't know. I just feel like it's moments where I'm actually seeing the matrix. You know, like we all have to walk around and pretend that the matrix is not real and every once while it just pops up. So I'll briefly tell you what happened. It came home from something.

Well, it must have been the bus stop because we all know that's the only two places as you go. That's where I go. I'm trying to think if there's anywhere else I go. There is not. regs, yeah. So I got home and I saw a note on the counter and it said it was from Chase, my 18 year old son. And it said, went for a bike ride, be home soon. This is a normal occurrence. Okay. But something about that note, the moment, the world, I don't know, my mental state, I just knew, sister. I had an actual knowing. I saw it on the counter and I, had an actual knowing that something horrible had happened, that he, a car had hit him, that just the visions that I have are so horrible. They're like embarrassingly horrible.

And every part of me just wanted to jump in the car and go driving all around and find him. But Tish and Emma, my 15-year-old and, oh my God. 13. Okay. Whatever. Their ages change every freaking year and it's impossible. They were sitting at the kitchen table, right? And Abby sitting on the couch, and I'm at the counter.

And so my anxiety just completely took over my body. I could barely breathe. I just went cold. I explained it. It's just like it feels like a paralysis, like a mental, emotional, physical paralysis. And then this war starts. When I have an anxiety attack, this war starts. It's this internal war of my anxious voice, which is saying, this sit. This is your intuition. Go. He's in trouble. Go. And then there's this other voice. that is saying don't let the anxiety win. Don't show your girls and that you're supposed to freak out constantly,

that you're supposed to live in fear by going and getting in that car. That's what love looks like. It's running out and doing that every time. Right. Right. Okay. I can't believe you said that's what love looks like because the next thing that happens while I'm sitting there holding on, like holding on to the counter,

trying to like figure out which of these voices to listen to. Abby walks over, bless her, she knows me so well, she walks over, she knows exactly what's happening. She holds my arms and says, he is fine. My first thought, sister, is, first of all, you are reckless. You are reckless and irresponsible. And second of all, you just don't love him as much as I do. Okay, now, none of those things are true. I'm just telling you what my inner anxious voice said to me. Okay. So I just think that's fascinating because basically what I must believe at a real level is that anxiety is love. Because her not being anxious makes me think you don't love him as much as I do. If you loved him as much as I do, you would be losing your shit right now because he's, because our 18 year old is on a bike ride. Right. Because

Didn't you read that note? It's obvious. Yeah. So anyway, I sat there. I just, you know, smiled at her and let her walk away. And I just held on to the counter and just breathed deeply. I just couldn't make a decision either way. And I just breathed as deeply as I possibly could. And thank God, like one minute later, two minutes later, Chase walks through. Oh, and by the way, I have no idea how long this was. It could have been two minutes. It could have been 30 minutes.

Chase walks through the door and I just hug him as if he's returned from war. Right. Okay. Lazarus. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's over. It's over.

Absolutely back to normal. Your whole body returns. The like ice paralysis is gone. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then back to normal. So, you know, I, and then, and then the three days afterwards, usually when I, when I go into a real anxiety attack like that, not just my normal level of Tigger, hypervigilance, general concern about life, but like that kind of thing. Then I spend the next few days just spinning about it because it scares me so much that I feel like I have to figure out why it happened and fix it. And then I just remembered, actually, I don't have to fix anything. What I'm choosing to understand about those moments are that those moments, they do have to do with clinical anxiety. I am doing the things I'm supposed to do.

I'm on my medicine. I do all of my things. And yet, there will be times when the matrix becomes visible to me. when I look at a note from one of my children or when I have a moment where I remember that, oh my God, the truth is that I love this person as much as I love this person, that life is as as fragile and precarious as we think it is, that we actually could lose each other and will eventually, that every time we take any sort of risk, show our heart, leave the house, love someone, try something new, we could fail and we could lose. And that we do it anyway, we still

let our children go for bike rides. We still allow life to happen, even though it's terrifying and scary and things could go wrong. Right. Anxiety in those moments is not a problem that I need to fix. It's sometimes just an acknowledgement of what love and life and risk are. And that sometimes that is so breathtakingly brutal, as we would say, beautiful and brutal, that you just have to hold on to the freaking counter and breathe. And so it isn't necessarily a conflict between your intuition and your knowing that guides you in all these other beautiful ways. It's just a deeper kind of more core life truth knowing

that shows up in these moments where you're like, I really do love him as much as I'm terrified that I do. And I really will lose him. Eventually, they're me or him. And so this is precious and scary. Yes, this fear is the price of love sometimes, right? And it makes me think of when I was younger and I thought that that ache, that anxiety, that I, that fear, that awareness that I felt was so painful that I had to get out of it. That's what addiction was. It was every time I felt so

afraid or I felt deeply, I just felt like I got to get out of here. I got to get out of this pain. I got to get out of this fear and I would do it with booze or food or a million different things. And it just reminds me of that thing we said and untamed so much that was like, this is so painful. This is so deep. This is so beautiful. This is so real. So stay. That kind of love while it's so terrifying when you're paying attention is the whole point.

Like when I look at it a certain way, that moment. in the kitchen was everything beautiful about my life. And I think the decision to not run and get into the car with Chase to find him, I think that that is the progress of being a 45-year-old woman. I think it's that a few years ago I would have gotten in the car anyway. But it's finally knowing I can't control shit. And what I want my girls to see is a woman who loves so deep. deeply and still knows that she can't control anything. And so she's just going to stay and breathe in these moments. That's fascinating because as you're talking, I mean, I know you've had so much anxiety recently around chase around this time period. And it's just reminding me of when

you're in the mental hospital in high school and you were getting ready to leave and you were so, so scared to leave. And then as you're talking, it's occurring to me that Chase is getting ready to leave for college, that we're getting ready to transition out of COVID. Is it like you're creating, in the mental hospital, there were clear rules. This is how you talk to each other. Here is how, here's the words you use. Here's your schedule. All of those things. And then you were going back to high school, which was this, had a whole other set of rules that you never really made sense to you. No, Lord of the Flies. And then COVID's the same way. It's simple, right? It's terrible, but it's simple. Stay in your house. Wear your mask. It's very clear what should happen.

Chase, you know the rules of like how to parent him. You don't know the wild rules about parenting when he's off at college and how you're going to love him through that. It's freaking so true. I, okay, this is wild. I'm telling you that yesterday I was thinking about how maybe once a week I think about I fantasize. It's just like a slice. Okay. It's not like for real. It's just like a little bit. About being in it like mental hospital again. Like about just tapping the F out of everything that's hard about trying to adult and trying to be. be human and trying to mother and parent and sister and work and like go into this place where there's this structure and all the freedom that is so terrifying is taken away and it's just a simplifying of everything. I think that you're exactly right. And I think that's why when

anxiety comes in, there's a million things that I do to control again. Structure, like lists and food and bringing back like, yes, it's the anxiety of walking out the door of the mental hospital when I was a senior in high school and being like, but what now? But in there, you told me what to do? What now? And really at the bottom of it, when you're describing this knowing, this hitting the kind of bottom of looking at Chase and seeing that and realizing that you love him so much and life is so precarious, At the end of the day, that really is a rule of life. Like, that is a rule of life that you find utterly intolerable to abide by.

That's true. We love these people this much. And it's so precarious that somebody could leave, that any number of totally intolerable things could happen. But at the end of the day, that's the, that's the game. That's what's happening. That as the core of my sobriety, I think, is this commitment to accept, surrender to show up for life on life's intolerable terms. That's it. That I'm like, okay, I'll just stay, keep showing up under these ridiculous circumstances where we are loving and risking and we'll lose.

Okay, well, on that note, we're going to take a break and then we're going to come back and answer some hard questions. This show is brought to you by Alma. When I first tried to find a therapist, it felt like a scavenger hunt with no map, pages of names, long wait lists, voicemails that never got returned. I remember thinking if this is what it takes just to talk to someone, no wonder people give up. when I found Alma, it felt like someone finally turned the lights on. Alma, ALMA, is this beautifully simple way to find licensed, in-network therapists without all the runaround. You can browse without even making an account, and you can filter for what actually

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Okay, everybody, welcome to the part of the show. I'm most excited about it. because this is when we get to hear from you. We will be taking all of your questions. Sister, what's the phone number? It is 747-2005307. Bring all of your questions. I will not have answers, but I will have things that I say in response. I cannot wait to hear from you. Let's hear these questions. 747-200-5307. Our first question, Glennon, is from Kirsten. Hi, Glennon. My name is Kirsten. My boyfriend has anxiety and I don't understand it and I don't understand how to help him. How do I support him through this and these episodes or challenges that he is facing? Thanks so much. That's hard. Sweet, Kirsten.

I often think that the only thing harder than living with mental illness is loving someone who's living with mental illness. I really do over the years of listening to people who try to make sense of things in the people they love's lives that can't be made sense of and that can't be fixed. I do think that that's a really, really tough card to pull. I would imagine that Kirsten is a bit of a warrior there. I mean, I can just tell you this one wild time I'm thinking about, and Abby's just like sitting here in the room with me, so this is going to be funny. But I actually had a bit of an anxiety attack a few years ago,

and I was laying in bed and I just started like breathing and hard and it was so embarrassing for me because it was the first time that Abby had witnessed the weirdness of that. You know, it wasn't just me like talking through it. It was like an actual bodily. Right. Yeah. And this is a total aside, but I was having visions of being back in the mental hospital and this like worst case scenario that I go to every once in a while where.

I'm just left somewhere because everyone's just decided that I'm too much to deal with. I don't know how to, that it's just too exhausting, that it's just too much that that is like ultimately what will happen. It's strange. But anyway, I started breathing heavy and kind of rocking and Abby held on to me tight. And afterwards, I talked to her about it and said, I was so embarrassed. and she just said, oh, this is, this is part of, this is part of the beauty of you. This is part of the magic.

I will take all of this with the rest of it. And she said something about how the deep feeling of everything is not something that she loves me in spite of, but she loves me because of. So I don't know. I mean, that's a high level of love. But I do know that there is so much beauty. there are so many gifts inside of people who have this fire inside of them and that there is part of it that brings something to the table as opposed to like it always being something that you have to

deal with or figure out or manage that there are things that we bring to the table that are gifts in terms of the way we see the world in terms of the way we stop the world and say no, know, look at that, the way we feel things that other people are not willing to feel and see things that other people are not willing to see and hear things that other people are not willing to hear. And so there is a way of looking at it that I think Abby has that I love, which is not just like how to freak do I freaking deal with this, which I'm sure sometimes she feels. But like what gifts does this bring to me in my life that I would not have if it weren't for these mental differences that my wife has? I love it. Good luck, Kirsten.

And Abby. Yeah. And Abby forever. And ever amen. Okay. This second question is from Samantha. Hi, Chi. This is Samantha.

I've not been clinically diagnosed for anxiety, but I have many symptoms that suggest I could be. I was diagnosed with OCD in my teens and found that meds were helpful then. But with pressure from my holistic mom, I stopped seeing my therapist and quit my meds cold turkey. And I've not sought professional help sins. Living with untreated OCD for 20 years and experiencing symptoms of anxiety have been an uphill battle for me. I'm curious about seeking treatment and using meds again, but it's hard because my family is always talking to me about their concerns that the world is so overmedicated. What has your experience been like with meds and how do you respond when folks shared their concerns about you being on them? Oh, Samantha.

The, oh. Okay, well, first, my experience with meds, I have been on meds for a very long time. I love my meds like I love my children, okay? When I walk into the grocery store and I see the pharmacy sign, it feels like light from heaven to me. It's like the whole, the music of my life begins. My favorite song is Jesus loves me this I know, for he gave you. me Lexa Pro. I feel strongly, Samantha, how I feel is strongly. I feel that medicine for me, like it does for many people who struggle with all different kinds of illness, has balanced the chemicals in my brain to get me to an even playing field with everybody else mentally. I feel that my medicine has not helped me escape the human experience. It has allowed me to have the full human experience, and I'm grateful for it every day, every single day. I can imagine that

it must be very hard to be someone who's trying to be brave enough to get the help they need and to have this constant, well, it sounds to me like judgment. I know it's being couched as concern. For me, every time I hear of sweeping generalization, like the world is overmedicated, it doesn't sound like concern. It sounds like judgment. It kind of feels to me like when a woman shows her body is bold enough to just live in her body. And her body doesn't match the cultural expectations of what a body should look like.

And somebody expresses concern. They say something like, oh, I'm just worried about her health. it doesn't really feel like concern. It feels like judgment. We have a saying in our family that goes like, you know what, mind your own body. And so I think we could extend that to brains, right? Mind your own mind. What I know is that what is helpful to me is when people speak of their personal experience. So how that would sound, Samantha, is I would say medicine has helped me. I would never go as far as to extend that to. So the world must be completely undermedicated.

Do you hear that difference? So I can hear someone who says to me, medicine did not help me. I cannot hear someone that says to me, the world is overmedicated. I think we have to be very careful to speak about our personal experiences and not overgeneralize. Because those overgeneralizations, they release the stigma. into the air that keeps people maybe like you from getting the help they need and deserve. So my experience in my own life and inside the mental health world is that I see a whole lot of people who need help who don't get it, who do need medication but don't get it.

First of all, because of the incredible privilege that's required to have the money and time to get medication, but also because of the stigma that's released inside of families, and cultures often couched in concern, like, but the world is so over-medicated. So, Samantha, what I would say to you is that none of these people who judge who we are or what we need can be with us in the dark. I often think of these kinds of ideas in people as two-legged men who are calling prostheses a crutch just because they don't need it to have the full human experience. does not mean that I don't.

So I think the angst inside of you is your knowing, maybe trying to get you to understand that your family doesn't know best for you, and maybe you do. So find a professional. And if you need that help, get the help you need. Our last question is from Sarah. Hey, G, my name's Sarah. I'm so lost to myself when I'm having anxiety.

I feel detached from everyone and everything. Have you ever found anything that helps make those tougher days better? Thanks. What is her name, Sarah? Sarah. I love your description. Detached. That's so good.

That feels right to me. That's, I don't know. I always describe anxiety as like a shaky hovering. I don't know. It's like, it's that tiggerness, like the tigerness, like the tigerness of always being too high or too low. Like for me, the anxiety feels high and the depression feels too low, but both make it absolutely impossible to access the right level of life, which is like in the middle, which is right

here, right now, which is in the moment. So if all of these spiritual teachers are right and joy and life is in the moment, then anxiety in depression still rob that of us because it's like freaking positional. It's like, oh, no, no, I'm not down there. I'm up here. Or I'm like, oh, I'm not up there with you. I'm too low in depression. It's, it's interesting. Detached feels right to me. A couple things that I want to say about that. I used to believe that at some point I was going to figure this out. I think this is like an idea that we get planted in us when we're young that I have found to be completely untrue, which is that we will work really hard and grow and grow and grow and then someday we will be

grown up. And then magically change. So I'm 45. I have finally realized that that is not going to have. I keep waking up being the exact same freaking person. Like it's just no matter what I do, no matter who I'm really in relationship with, no matter where I move, no matter what my job I still, wherever I go, there I am, right? Same, same, same. New Year, same me over and over again, right? So one of the things that helps is to know that I'm not two weeks away from fixing my anxiety, that this is something that I'm going to live with for the rest of my life, okay? Now, that is not to say that medicine and therapy and spiritual practices and all of those things have not helped because they do. They allow me to deal healthfully.

with this thing that I have. But I'm also going to have it forever. So I can stop holding my breath about that. And the breath is an interesting thing. So a lot of this has to do, anxiety has to do with our nervous system. So it helps me to think of this in terms of spiritual stuff, but also science, right? Like my nervous system is extra nervous. Which is what it's for. Okay. You have a very nervous I have a very nervous system. So what I have found, things that help me are things that actually are proven to calm the nervous system. So I do a lot of breathing exercises. Breathing, I have this one that I learned a long time ago. I think it's called like the box method. You breathe in for five seconds and then you hold it. And it's like I'm envisioning going across a box and then the

holding is going down and then the exhale is going across again and then the holding is going up and then so it's like breathe in for four hold breathe out for four hold that is something I've returned to over and over again that actually helps me in a detached freaking out anxious moment for me anxiety is all about not being present in my body it is that detached thing it is that shaky hovering So whatever I can do to get back to the moment, to get back to reality. So I have an exercise that someone taught me a long time ago that is like, what can you feel? Grab something. What can you feel?

Feel your feet on the ground. What can you see? Taking something that you can see. What can you hear? Right? Activating the senses brings me back into the moment and into my body and out of the spinning of my head. which helps every time.

Not sometimes. That helps me every single time. That's interesting. Yeah. And then the, one of the things that helps me is this idea of whenever I'm in anxiety, I'm not in the moment. I'm freaking out usually about something that might happen or, and so there's this thing I say to myself is, okay, I'm in what if.

I'm in what if, but what is? What is right now? What is right now? So 100% of the time, if I focus, if I get out of what if and I focus on what is, like what is right now, okay, I'm in my house. My kids are at school. I'm, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm in my body. I have food. What is is always okay. I have always okay in what is, right? So a reminder, whenever I'm in what if to go back to what is, grounding myself in my senses, returning to my breath. Those are the things that help me moment by moment. You taught me that one and that helps so much because in the moments when I'm spinning with like worry and concern about my kids, it's very rarely if ever what is happening in that moment. It's to me what I'm projecting that moment means. for their life, you know, next month, in five years when they're adults. And then I'm losing it because I'm thinking, oh my God, are they going to be okay? But really, they very much are okay

in this moment. It's what I'm assuming it means about them not being okay in the future. It's spinning. It's all the spinning. So all of those are to say that whenever I can get out of my mind and out of the future tripping and all of that and back into the moment right now, whatever it takes to get me back into my body, back in filming right now, I am always okay. And that will always be true forever, which is comforting. Yeah. Great questions. Great questions.

Good job, Kirsten, Sarah, Samantha. All right, y'all. Thank you so much for all the questions. And don't forget to send your hard questions about anything at all. 747-2005307. This show is sponsored by Midi Health. Perimenopause and menopause aren't personality flaws or phases. They're medical transitions.

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It's real medicine covered. Ready to feel your best and write your second act script? Visit join midi.com today to book your personalized insurance covered versus virtual visit. That's join midi.com. Midi, the care women deserve. It's a new year and instead of trying to reinvent myself, I've been asking a simpler question. What would actually support me right now? And honestly, a big part of that answer is my home. I want my space to feel calmer, more functional and a little more like a place that can reflect my goals and energy for this year, which is why I've and turning to Wayfair. It's truly a one-stop shop for everything your home needs this season.

What surprised me most was how easy it was to find exactly what I wanted in my style and within my budget, whether you're organizing kids' rooms, upgrading your work from home setup, tackling clutter, or just trying to make weeknight dinners easy. Wayfair really does have everything. Your home doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to support the life you're living right now. Get organized, refreshed and back on track this new year for way less head to wayfair.com right now to shop all things home that's w a y f a i r dot com wayfair every style every home welcome to the next right thing during my 45 years on earth i have learned that tragically there is no five-year plan every time someone asks me my long-term plan I just laugh. In fact, I've always hated that one day at a time mantra because in case no one has

noticed, days are very, very long. All I can handle is deciding the next right thing, one thing at a time. Whenever I'm uncertain, which is always, all I can do is go inside, feel around for my intuition, and do the next thing it nudges me toward. I can't see the whole path, but I can't see the whole path, but I've learned that if I just do the next right thing, one thing at a time, life becomes like a yellow brick road, and one brick at a time I can find my way home. Okay, so my dear friend Allison, who was helping produce this podcast right now, recently told me about this cool thing that she and her friends started during COVID. Every Friday afternoon, she and her friends would meet on a pass and they would take a long walk together, and each friend would bring the hardest thing she was

facing that week, whether it was in her life or marriage or friendships or work or world, whatever. And they'd talk about it as they walked. And nobody had any answers, just time, just honesty, just solidarity. And Allison said that as a result of these walks, this little group of friends had become tighter than ever, and she had started to feel less alone than ever. And she suspected that this was because they had been friends for so long, but they'd never gotten so real with each other before. They'd never brought to each other the real heavy stuff that as friends they were meant to help each other carry. And COVID kind of forced them to share this hard, which turned out to be exactly what their friend group had always needed. And that is my dream for this podcast, that it

will be like a weekly hard things walk that you and sister and I and your closest people will take together dropping all the fake and sharing and helping each other carry the hard so that for the rest of the week we can all walk a little lighter unless alone. So here you go. You ready for your next right thing? Okay. Your next right thing is to build your next right thing. Your next right thing is to build your pod squad. You know how people have book clubs? We are going to have pod squads. I want you to think of a few people that you might like to deepen your relationships with, that you might like to get real with. And I want you to send them a link to this podcast. Just ask if they want to be in your pod squad. If you think that term is cheesy like sister does, then just ask them if they want to follow and listen with you.

see if listening together opens up conversations and helps you begin to build deeper relationships based on the messy truth, not surface stuff. So just text them this episode and say, I want to start listening with me? And also listen up. If you are someone who doesn't have a person or people to invite into this journey, do not worry. Sister and I didn't either. That's why we started this podcast. sister and I will be your pod squad.

Okay. To close us out, I have an amazing gift to give you. This is actually a gift from my daughter Tish, who many of you might remember from Untaint. Tish is a deeply feeling person and a musician. And she wrote a song for us. She wrote it after reading Untamed, and after learning that her mom was going to start this podcast. And the song is called We Can Do Hard Things. She wrote it all by herself in her bedroom, both the lyrics and the music.

She sent it to our dear friend Brandy Carlisle. And Brandy loved it so much that she decided to sing back up and produce it as a gift of to Tish and to you for this podcast. This song has already become a personal anthem for me, and it's helped me through many hard days. And I hope it will become our family's pod squad anthem, too. I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlisle. I walk through fire, I came out the other side. I chased desire I made sure I got was mine and I continued to believe that I must were adventurers and heart breaks a map a final destination you lack

They've stopped asking directions to places they've never been. And to be loved, well, finally find. We can do a heart. It felt like a brand new star. Problems, sometimes things fall apart. I continue to believe People are free And it took some time

But I'm finally fun Because we're adventurers and heart breaks I'm at a final destination We lack They stopped asking directions To places they've never been And to find hard adventurers So play never been

We can do hard things Is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts. Especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't, don't worry about it. It's fine.