We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 17. EASY THINGS: Why, for some of us, is lightening up the hardest thing to do?

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

1. Glennon’s radical acceptance that she’s always going to be a midnight person in a sunshine world. 2. Our favorite movies and music—and what they reveal about our personalities. 3. Why Abby is objectively hot, but please don’t say that to Glennon at parties.

Well, hi, everybody. I missed you. Welcome to We Can Do Easy Things. We're talking about easy things today because you might be surprised to know this, but you all often on social or in your emails or voicemails tell us that you are spending your weeks thinking about the things that we talk about here. And that makes us feel so good. But you should also know that we spend our weeks thinking about everything. word that you say about the podcast. So we read every single thing that you post about the podcast, every email you send, every voicemail that you leave because we're so excited about this. The conversation back and forth is the best part. That's why I've never just stuck to books because the back and forth, the ongoing conversation around all of these things we discuss is my favorite part. So thanks for that. Also, I'm a deeply. sensitive person. And so when you tell me that there's something that you don't love about the podcast, I lose my little freaking mind. Okay. Just a touch. Just a tad. Right. So, so I'm,

Abby saying this because she's been listening to me talk about this for the last week and a half. So I'm on social and I see somebody tweet or I don't know, Instagram something. And they say, I love, Glennon's podcast, we can do hard things, but I can't do freaking hard things every week. Okay. And then I see all these comments from this person and they're all talking about how much they love the podcast, but also how heavy everything we talk about is. Right. Imagine how hard is to be us. I mean, you just have to do it for an hour every week.

We have to do it all the hours of all the week. Just to just be us. It's awful. Thank you. Feel pity. Okay. Exactly that. But as you know, sister, I'm obsessing about this because it's not just because I can't stand when anyone doesn't like anything because honestly that whole likability ship has sailed. Right. Yeah. Very used to being someone, yes, out there. And I know I can't please everybody. But the reason this bothered me is because it was, it made. me think, wait, are we not doing the service on this podcast that I thought we were doing? Because my intention for this podcast was we are going to talk about hard things. And that is going to make your life easier. That was my whole- Help each other carry the hard things.

Exactly. That was my whole premise, like my dissertation or whatever you call it for this thing that we were doing together. And then I think, oh, my God, am I completely wrong? Am I talking about the hard things and making things whole? harder for people. Right? Yes. Yes, you are.

Am I really? I don't think, well, it depends. Yes, but it's good. It's a good hard. It's a required hard. Okay. Well, I think hearing that other people are struggling with the same hard, for me, it makes it easier for me.

And I feel like you're giving language to people who, to understand their heart instead of just feeling like I'm all jacked up. They're like, oh, actually, I'm just doing this hard thing. I'm not just all broken. Right. Okay. And also, for me, I think I've always noticed about myself that what makes me feel like crap is when everybody just talks about light things. And like, it makes me feel like, wait, aren't you just as angsty and full of pain as I am?

Like, why are you talking about these things? Like, you have everything else nailed. So anyway, I'm taking my morning walk last. last week thinking about is it too heavy, is it too heavy? And two separate times, I walk the same path. Two people are crying on the path. Look at me. Their eyes get wide and they say, I'm listening to your podcast right now. Just spreading joy. You're just like a just spreading joy wherever you go. I'm like, California is crying. It's crying. And that. I told you all about this separately because this was the icing on the cake. Okay. So Abby and I are

sitting on this sidewalk in this cute little cafe or something. I don't know. And these two women walk up to us. And the first one says, oh my God, I'm listening to your podcast. I love it. It's so good. And then she kind of gets sidetracked with Abby. So I look at the other woman who's with her. And I say, okay, so thank you for liking it. But like, do you think it's too heavy? Like, do you think that we should be talking about lighter topics? Like, am I making you sad? Do you have any lighter topic ideas? Like, what do people talk about? Like, kittens or, like, I don't know. Can you give me some ideas? And she says to me this. She says. Um, I just actually don't know who you are. I'm just with my friend. But, I mean, yeah, you do seem a little intense. Okay. So that's when I understand what's happening here. Okay. What's happening here is that what has happened to me over the past week is that I have gotten my, I have been retramatized by this truth about myself, which is that I'm a little intense. Right? I'm not. That's why we love you though, babe. It's why we love you. Other people say when that, you know how people refer to people and they say, she's a lot. I've never really liked that phrase. it's like she's a lot as in like too much. And I think a lot of people feel like they're too much.

And I think that's why a lot of people talk about like things because they don't want to be seen as too much. Yeah. But I want all of your allotness because your allotness is perfect. You're perfect. And honestly, I always think, okay, am I too much or are you just not even close to enough? That's right. That's right. That's what we should be talking about. But anyway. But the whole lighten up thing, don't you think it's not? it's a little bit complicated because, like, I just feel like if people, if people want to lighten up, like if it's from them, I just feel like if it's something that is required of you that you lighten up, I say no to that lighting up. If it's something that you desire for yourself,

I say yes to the lighting up. So required, no, desire, yes. Also, we have to remember, people opt in to this podcast. Thank you. It's not called we can do easy things. It's not like I'm hiding the ball. I called it, we can do hard things. But for some, well, but for example, if you wanted, like, to pick my number one hard thing that would be hardest for me, it would be lightning up. So it is, it's good. And both. And I just feel like for people who, especially for women, lightning up is this like kind of like do all, it's like what you said in the, um, how you were talking the other day and you said, we're supposed to carry the whole sky. And, and be exhausted all the time.

Then we're also supposed to put on concealer to not show the evidence that we have been carrying the whole sky. It's like we're supposed to be doing all these things, but then we're supposed to like be light and breezy about it. And I just feel like, and structurally, I mean, water only flows in the same direction always until it's disrupted.

It's like there is a value in not being the go with the flow person or else we're always going to end up the exact same place. Yeah, I feel like we've gotten into a defensive position, a defensive posture. You think that's possible? So I'm just showing, I'm just saying, you know what? Like, these are just, you know, this is feedback. And as an athlete, feedback is important.

And I think lightning up might do us a little good, right? Like, maybe we could go like a couple of dinners without having an existential conversation with our children about life and what is life. Like, I just want to maybe talk about, like, Zach freaking Ephron. You want to tell that story, Glennon? Okay, can you, before you tell that story, because you just said about meals, can I just tell what happened at the breakfast table this actual morning? Yes.

So we were having breakfast and John said something like, wow, the mosquitoes are really active right now. And because they're tearing us to shreds. And Alice goes, well, technically, dad, only the female mosquitoes are active because they are the only ones that bite. I'm like, why do, what is that? Why do only the females bite, Alice? Well, because they need the blood, because they're going back to their babies. That's how it has something to do with eggs and the babies. So the males don't bite.

And I'm, and I am like, what? I'm like, see, see, we think the females are annoying because they have to bite. Why do they have to bite for the perpetuation of their species? Because the males over there, they don't have any responsibility. So guess what they're not deemed? Annoying. What are they doing? What are they doing all day? What are the male mosquitoes doing all day?

I don't know. But guess what? No one's mad at the male mosquitoes because they don't have to bite. And John looks at me from the breakfast table with the face of a man who is surprised by his inability to not be surprised anymore. And he just shakes his head and is like, does everything have to be about everything? Does everything have to be about everything? That's right. Yes, it does. Damn it. But I would, I'm curious about this conversation. Let's be light. I would like to be lighter in my life. I do. I do. I would like it. It would be lovely. Well, here's the deal. I don't think that I'm ever going to be a light human being. Okay. I have a radical acceptance of myself. Like, that is what I have wrote a whole chapter about it untamed. I'm midnight, midnight. I am a midnight human being. If I were a time of day, it would be midnight. If Abby were a time of day, she would be 2 p.m. 2 p.m. No clouds in the sky. Right, bright, bright, right.

So I have accepted that about myself, but this is a community. This is not just me. This is a community of people. And I am humble enough to know that sometimes people need more than what is natural for me. So, and also maybe it would be a gift to give ourselves to try to lighten up a little bit. So we are going to add some lightness today. And your partners. Gift of you and your partners.

You and your partners. Right, right, right. Not to change ourselves, but just to be in service to ourselves and to you. Okay. Because as Abby mentioned, our friends who are two women who are married to each other and one is the midnight blue and the other one is the 2 p.m. And the 2 p.m. one that just looked at her wife in the middle of dinner who was talking about war. and she said,

Sometimes I just want to freaking talk about Zach Ephron. Which, by the way, is that so weird? Why did she want to talk about Zach Ephron? Isn't he like a heart throb? Yeah, because, yes, but at the time, Zach Afron, this is like 10 years ago, Zach Afron was like one of the biggest movie stars. This is just like my favorite story ever because you can't, like, there's usually one lesbian in every relationship that's like militant about.

feminism and gay activism. There's usually another lesbian who's just like a little bit easier going about the world and things. And I just, this is Zach Efron story is my favorite because that's exactly how I feel like sometimes I just like want to talk about nothing, not everything. Right. I hear you. Okay. All right. We're going to try. Sounds pointless and awful. If you would like to talk about pointless, awful things. Light questions. Please leave your ideas at 747-200-5307. I just checked the phone.

I just checked the number. It's the correct one. Yes. She's not giving a fake one. It's the correct one. Yes. Have you ever hit a point at work where everything just feels heavy? Not just a bad week, but the kind of burnout where you're staring at your laptop thinking,

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This is Liz. I'm just curious. What are your favorite movies to watch and what some of your favorite music to listen to? I love the podcast. Thanks so much. Okay, so first I think we should each maybe say one of our favorite movie. Sister, have you ever watched a movie? I'm going to put you on the spot.

I'm serious. These light questions are going to not apply. Like, can you answer N slash A? She's going to say like a Ken Burns documentary or like something about like, do you know any movies? I'm serious. I just don't want to put you on the spot if you don't know any movies. I mean, I know about movies. Okay, okay. All right. Abby, you and I can answer this question and then if sister can think of one, she'll probably Google it real quick. And then she'll tell us hers. I like this question to go after this conversation about lightness because I think it relates so much because I have found that people who are 2 p.m. on the inside tend to like dramatic, feely movies.

Ooh. Uh-huh. And people, maybe I shouldn't speak for all people, but midnight people like me do not. Okay, I hate with it. My favorite movies are as follows. Elf. Boring. Elf is my favorite movie. I mean, I love elf, but like you like boring movies. You like movies that don't get you above or below a certain emotional feeling. That's right. Elf, home alone. Although, although the scenes get pretty, my heart starts being. when the robbers come inside. Too intense. I love legally blonde, although the sexual harassment scene gets me every time.

Oh my God. I like Notting Hill. I like movies that I know everything that's... Except the objectification of Julia Roberts in the movie and then talk about the eating disorder. You will find a problem. Yes, I will. Living within every kind of television show or movie.

And so what it does is it really limits are movie slash TV situation. So what I have to do is whenever I go on a trip to go to work or whatever, people, I have to watch like the war and mystery and crime. And so the people to my right and left on planes are like, what is this person watching? Because I got to consume it in these like times that I'm not looking. You know what, babe? You know what the real world is full of?

What? War and mystery and crime. Why, I beg of you, do we have to make up fake war and mystery and crime? Why do we have to make it up to be entertained by it? We can put it on the news. If I'm watching a movie, I want to be less upset. We use movies for different things, okay? Like, we have one child who I think is very much like you.

She's sunny. She's not stormy on the inside. And she likes dramatic movies. She likes scary movies. She likes very, very sad music. Well, I think it's because we can't, we don't go there very easily. We don't go to the sad parts of our humanity as easily as you do. And so sometimes we have to curate it ourselves.

And part of that is in movies or art or music. I mean, I only like sad music, literally. I know. It kills me. And for a while, you thought that I was rainy on the inside. So that's why I liked listening to sad music and watching some sad movies. I was just depressed. That was just a depressive period of my life.

I'm actually pretty sunny on the inside. And I think because of that, that makes me want to actually feel sometimes the full spectrum of human emotion. And one of those spectrums is sadness. Interesting. Remember when you were trying to decide where to live? And you said, you said, well, I live in Portland. And I said, oh, for Christ's sakes, I am Portland on the inside. I cannot live in Portland on the inside.

the outside. I need to be with the sun screaming at me. Sister, what is your take on all of this? I'm just really interested in what Abby just said and what you're saying about you watch the opposite of yourself as like an escape from yourself. That's so interesting and ability to access things. I find I have a hard time watching TV shows and movies because I feel like then it takes up residents in my head. Like I am now, like, when I start watching them and I really like them, I become obsessed and I can't stop. It'll be like 2 a.m. I'll be like, one more. One more. I have to keep going. But then I find like the character, I'm like talking like them. I'm when I was pregnant with, and they're living. I'm worried. I seriously am worried about them during the day.

Yeah. I can't. There's no separation between what I'm watching. And then it's just with, it's like a total immersion program where it's like when I was watching the wire when I was pregnant with Bobby. Do you know the wire? Oh, I tried that for 15 minutes. No. I got through and then I was like, oh, I live there with them. I am so, I couldn't stop. And I had to stop at the last season because I realized it was so, I was doing it so much. I was thinking about it so much that I was like, my, my child is going to be born and it's going to be like, bam, bam, bam, bam. I'm like, I am interviewing. I am. I interviewed. continuously transferring all of this emotional weight to my child. And so I, so I had to stop there. But I think that's my problem. It's not an escape for me. It's like adding another, it's assimilating a whole other thing into my head.

You do that. I mean, even when I think about when I've tried to watch my, because trash TV for me is a very, is a perfect. It's a perfect thing. Like a real housewife. Yes. If there's a conflict in the show I'm watching, I just want it to be our Teresa. and Melissa from the Real Housewives of New Jersey ever going to pull it together and be friends. Like I need that level of conflict. That's it. Okay. Yeah, with no consequences. Like, who cares?

Yeah, exactly. I mean, we'll be watching a movie, babe. We'll be watching a movie and a conflict comes up. And it's a pretty gnarly one, like Handmaid's Tale. No, God. Oh, God. No, nobody, nope. And Glennon, I will like look over and she hasn't taken a breath in like 60 seconds.

And I'll be like, honey, breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe. And then you always say, which makes me crazy. She says, this is not real. And I'm like, everything is real. Everything is real. If somebody has thought of this, this is a metaphor, but it's not, but this actually happened.

Well, and more than that, it's happening to me. That's what John says all the time. This is fake. This is not really happening. I'm like, oh, you want to tell my body that? Because I am very, very upset about this thing that's not happening. Tell the two inch puddle of sweat below me that this is not happening. This is not real.

Yeah, that's right. I mean, it feels real, but it's just like it's fiction in the way that it's being told. And then I have to, I have to say it's art. And they're like, okay, okay, it's art. Okay. It's the only way it gets you to like take a breath. Yeah, that does get me to take a breath. I'm glad this has been so light.

Yeah. Okay, so Elf Home Alone. I love Almost Famous. I can watch that one. Almost famous. I love that movie so much. I think about the scene when Kate Hudson finds out that the boys were trading her for beer. And then she looks at the guy with her watery eyes and smile and says, what kind of beer?

And I don't know why. Or Lester Banks. I mean, the only true currency in this bankrupt. world is what we share with each other when we're uncool. Forget it. And also, I'm on drug! So good. For your child, as the school year continues, patterns start to emerge. You can see what's clicking and where a little extra reinforcement could help. That's where I-XL steps in, giving kids targeted practice so they can strengthen those areas early and keep moving forward with confidence. I-Xcel is an award-winning online learning platform that supports math, language arts, science, and social studies from pre-K through 12th grade.

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in any TV show. Uh-huh. Then Ted Lasso. Okay. Okay. I just, I need for everyone to watch Ted Lasso. I... Oh, God.

I can't believe you didn't say that before. Oh, my God. It's... I can't put into words how comforting, how deep, how funny, how perfect, how necessary, how beautiful level of conflict is right on. Okay? The humor is perfection. The lessons and depth in it. The writing. It's the show that is needed. And I, you know, I don't have any like connection to Ted Lassau or anything. I'm just, our family just feels very, it is about the soccer. So there's that. And it's also about the football, though, because he was a football coach. So he's applying all these. I feel like there's a little dadism in there for us where it's like the old

school like, all right. I mean, he's just like an old school football coach trying to apply his life to soccer. And it's so tough. And it's such an anti-toxic masculinity. It's like an undoing of everything. And it's like in this time when leadership is so just gone and like we've gotten so confused about what a good leader is and what's important, it's Ted Lassow on the scene, just reminding us of goodness.

and what real power is and oh so good. And some of his little like little quiet one-liners are like just completely shifting, like mind shifting, you know, like the joke but the truth in the joke and the sexism that he talks about through a joke. It's just, it's so beautifully done. Jason Sadeca's great job. Yeah, good stuff. And light.

Light. Yeah, it's light, but heavy. Yeah. Yeah. Let's, oh, she did ask about music. So I would say the same thing about music. I don't want to be sad and upset when I listen to music. I like some good protest music.

I love some Tracy Chapman. I love Bob Dylan. I love the Indigo Girls. I've listened to the Indigo Girls maybe every day of my life since I got sober because they helped me get sober. they helped me learn how to feel my feelings. I used to every single day. I was so scared when I got sober that my feelings would kill me. And so each day I would put on one Indigo Girl song and let myself feel for that song.

And then when it was done, I would tell myself I didn't have to feel any feelings anymore. So Amy and Emily helped get me sober and I still listen to them every single day. And in fact, when I told Craig that I was in love with Abby, The first thing he said was, wait, is this what all the indigo girls has been about? Yep. And I said, holy shit, I think it might just be. I mean, there was just something in their voices that I knew was for me, some kind of freedom and some kind of subversiveness and some kind of longing.

And I still love all of that. Sissy, what kind of music are you into? We're on a, we're on a T. Swift period right now. This is the period of the T. Swift. And I, I just, I love her so much. And I love that my daughter's obsessed with her because it just, so we're listening to a lot of that. And Alice, I love it because every time she puts one on, she requests them and she says, Mommy, you need to make sure this is the Taylor version because I don't want that guy getting her money. And it's. Yes. Oh, so I love just everything that she says. John has recently turned me on to Sturgle Simpson, who is, he's wonderful. And I feel like there's this new kind of crew of country, but taking back country from the establishment. Margo Price. Margo Price.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. And then Jason Isbell. Jason Isbell and Amanda. Yeah. And his wife, Amanda is. amazing in her own right. So I'm into what they're doing too. Cool. What about you, babe? Well, I like to keep up with the times. So Taylor Swift for sure, Olivia Rodriguez, Phoebe Bridgers, the vampire weekend, a lot of stuff that the kids turn on in the car.

They're like now just getting into music in a big way. And, you know, it's tough when they're get like very much into Olivia Rodriguez because that's like all we listen to every car ride. But, you know, I'm staying up on the times. I also like the Indigo Girls. I also like Bruce Springsteen. You know, lots of folks. I mean, shout out to Olivia Rodriguez, though. She's good. I expected her not to be because she told me she was like a Disney person or whatever. And then I found myself listening to her album again and again. I'm glad the kiddos have Olivia Rodriguez. She's saying things that are important. Yeah, like go vote. Yeah, yeah.

And we would be remiss to do this whole thing on music and not mention the hottest drop in recent history, which is Tish Meltens, We Can Do Hard Things. A to the most. Top of the playlist, people. Oh. I mean, you all, basically, I feel like mostly this group of podcast listeners, the Pod Squad, took Tish Meltons, We Can Do Hard Things. I think it hit number eight on iTunes. Yeah. I mean, she's freaking out.

It's like so wonderful. And better than that are the stories. People are sending me pictures of their little kids listening to them, videos of their, you know, seven-year-olds and eight-year-olds, doing their hard things, listening to the song. One lady wrote this letter about how she is getting sober and listens to the song over and over again. So Tish is kind of her Indigo girls.

Because she's, you know, I don't know. Tish is just kind of filled up. filled up lately. So thanks to you all, really. Thanks for supporting our little one. For sure. Okay, let's hear from Ginger. Hi. Oh, my goodness. I love you. Glennon and Amanda, my name is Ginger. And I don't have a hard question for you. But my beautiful Cheetah friend, Chelsea, is going through a very hard time right now. And I was wondering if you could just tell her hi and she is loved and she is supported and she is a goddamn cheetah. Love your podcast.

Thank you for what you do. Goodbye. Aw. Chelsea. Ginger. What a good friend. Yeah, sweet friends. I mean, I just think about somebody.

Ginger. sat down in her house, thought about her friend Chelsea, picked up the phone, found the phone number, left the voicemail on the small chance that on the air we would get to talk to her friend, Chelsea, Chelsea, as Ted Lassau would say. We all go through hard times, but it is a blessing to not go through them alone. That's what he said in the locker room last night, right, babe? So, I mean, Chelsea, very cool that you have. somebody like Ginger to go through this hard time with. I mean, you know I love talking about hard times. Okay. So let me start this one.

I'm not a big advice person. I'm really not because nobody else knows what we should do ever. But there is this good news that I have found during hard times, which is that hard times kind of like give you an excuse to forget everything except the things that are most precious and most important to you. It's like that idea that we have that the word crisis, you know, the word crisis, which we all want to avoid. Crisis is bad, crisis is bad. The word crisis actually means to sift, like one of those kids who goes to the beach and like digs up the sand and and holds that little sieve up and watches all the sand fall hoping that there

will be treasure left over, right? That's what crisis does. It forces us to watch everything fall away so that we can find out what treasure is left over, right, and what can't be taken from us. So Chelsea, during this shitty, shitty time, pay close attention to the treasures that will be uncovered because they will. And then give yourself permission, Chelsea, to just do nothing but the next right thing. You know, during hard times, we all want to know how is it going to end. How is it going to end? When is it going to end?

Why is it going to end? And we don't get any of those answers. Unfortunately, we never get the five-year plan. We never get to see the final destination. but we do get to be part of this amazing system where if we surrender that wish to knowing how it's all going to turn out and we instead just decide, okay, I'm going to go inside and I'm just going to do the next right thing one thing at a time, then the whole path becomes like this yellow brick road. And as soon as we commit to the next right thing, then the next right thing lights up.

And it's like that saying where we're driving at night and we can make. make it all the way home just by seeing the next 10 feet that our headlights show us. So, Chelsea, pay attention. Look for the treasure. I think Ginger's one of the treasures. And you just do the next right thing, one thing in a time, and that will take you all the way home. Also, you're a goddamn cheetah. That's right, baby.

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Now we're going into this brand new segment that we decided to do because so many of you are so damn funny and amazing. And we just decided we're going to have a pod squatter of the week. So we have two pod squatters of the week today, and they are Olivia and Lindsay. Can we please hear from Olivia and Lindsay? Okay. So you can totally use this because we are obsessed with you. Okay.

Hey, so it's Olivia. I'm Lizzie and we're dating and we're both 19 and we're calling in because we have a question for you. You're cutting me off. Okay. Take number two. I'm so sorry, fun of it. Okay, hey, it's Olivia. My name's Lizzie, and we're both 19 and we're dating.

Plot Twist. And our question for you is how to kind of cope with our teenage friends referring to straight sex as normal sex. Thank you. There's just a lot. I'm going to keep going because it's important. It's just really hard to navigate because our friends just are constantly invalidating our experiences and saying that they're not as real. Okay, we can do hard things. Okay.

Hey, so my name's Olivia and my name is Lizzie and we're both 19 years old and we're dating. Flat twist. Anyways, we're calling in because we are constantly surrounded by friends referring to straight sex as normal sex, which is obviously not inclusive of our relationship. And we're wondering if you have any suggestions on how to cope with that and like how to handle that situation. Please let us know. We love you. Okay. For my favorite. I want them on the show.

Me too. I love them. them on the show. This reminds, I mean, this is the power of not quitting, like our last episode. Those two women tried three different times to leave that message. And they, nonetheless, they persisted. And they really did. And also, can we talk about, like, the unbelievable stereotype, but truth of, of the codependency in lesbian relationships? Like, were they on the call together? Were they sharing one phone? Like, how did that even happen? had to. Oh, love them. Love them. Olivia and Lindsay. I mean, so Olivia and Lindsay's

hard thing is that they feel discounted and, um, disrespected. They feel like their relationship is disrespected by friends who sort of, in a million different ways, suggest that real relationships are between a man and a woman. So how could Olivia and Lindsay's relationship be real? Listen, I get this. You get this, babe, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I have a kind of a, my experience was like I was the person that was educating everybody about the gayness. So, like, I'm on the other side of the spectrum where I'm like, I actually don't want to talk about sexual or sexuality or like what parts go where and who does what. Like, I think that all sex is normal sex, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah, totally.

I mean, I, you tend to be lighter about this that I do. I get really pissed off at all of the macro and microaggressions. I'm going to share one thing for Lindsay. I'm going to share one thing for Lindsay and Olivia, because I'm sure they have gotten this and if they haven't yet, they will. And this is something that annoys me to no end. but I also want to say that many of you listening have probably done this, maybe in comments or said something like this to me. And I want you to know that it's okay. I love you. And I know that when you've done this, it has been meant with good intentions. And now I'm

just going to explain it. And we're all going to have grace for each other and try again. Okay. So this thing happens constantly with us, babe, which is that people on insolence, Instagram on Twitter, in real life, at events, on the street, at a party all the time, will come up to me and say something like this. Oh, my God. Abby is so freaking hot. Oh, God. Here we go. I would leave my husband for Abby. I did not know you were going here. Well, you know that that's, okay. So I think I would leave my husband. I would totally leave my husband for Abby. I would totally, I would leave my, I would leave my, I, okay. I believe that the intention behind this comment is that the person is trying to signal to me. This is always a straight woman, right? And she's trying to signal to me that she is down with my

relationship, that she is an ally, that she is progressive, that she is. That she is, is with me, that she is also a goddamn cheetah, that she has a rainbow flag, right? Like, she is trying to signal this to me. But in fact, what it does is the reveals the opposite. Okay. What it's revealing is deep internal homophobia. Okay. Now, let me explain why. Because, sister, I want you to imagine, okay, you have a friend Brooke, right? I want you to imagine walking up to your friend Brooke, whose husband's name is Mike. You barely know Brooke, though, okay, in this scenario. And you're walking up to Brooke and you're meeting her for the first time.

And I want you to think about the first thing you say. I'm going to say it. Okay, go ahead. Oh, my God, Brooke. It is so nice to meet you. And I would totally leave my husband for Mike. Exactly. It's so effed up. You would never say that. Okay? And so what you're implying, what you're revealing is that you, in fact, don't respect my relationship as much as you respect male-female relationships because you would respect that boundary if it were a male and a female. But because we're two females, you don't see our relationship or our marital boundary. as real and it feels fun and playful and it feels like you can F with it.

Or they just might think that I'm hot. Okay. Everyone thinks you're hot. Okay? I'm just kidding. You're objectively hot. No. No, no, no.

But the question is, the question is. But we don't know Mike could be objectively hot too. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, unlikely. Mike is definitely not as hot as you. But it's, but the boundary that the boundary that we respect of not telling

heterosexual couples that we would like to lay in bed and sleep with their spouses is a boundary of respect to their institution and their marriage and their relationship. I think this effort to kind of signal allyship and think, and like,

I'm cool with you sleeping with her so much so that I also would sleep with her. Like it's a lack of, it's a misstep. I agree with you that it comes from a place of intent, but it does reveal that you would not be horrified to say that to me reveals that you don't actually respect my relationship the way you respect your relationship. So what do we what do we say to Olivia and Lindsay about their problem? Olivia and Lindsay don't have a problem because Olivia and Lindsay have each other and they are the

luckiest people on earth. I mean, they are gay. They are queer. They already hit the freaking jackpot. They get to hang out for the rest of their lives. They get to make out with each other. They get to have an endless sleepover party until they die. So I'm not worried about Olivia and Lindsay. And also, they're talking about sex. Okay. So like if I walk up to a person at a party and I open with, I want people to take my sex

life seriously. I want you to acknowledge that vaginas are also. Then I am opening the door. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Maybe the answer for them, I mean, I think the answer to the people who want to say, want to signal that they love what you guys have together is you have a beautiful family. What a beautiful couple. Yeah. It's so, it's, it's, it's, it's so great to see you together. Something like that. That isn't that. Yeah. And then to these two, maybe the problem is trying to worry about justifying your. sexuality to other people. Maybe you just go about being very happy in your sex life and let other and not worry about whether people think you're having good sex. You just go ahead and have it because isn't that really the ultimate reward. Yeah. And I also think that is the ultimate reward.

But when we're talking about like conversations in college, right, and helping some of these other kids who aren't in the gay circles that I found myself in, like, unfortunately, some of us have to hold standards for some of those friends so that they can learn some of these, like, language questions and answers, right? So, you know, heteronormative sex, like teaching them some of the words and the phrases that can feel more inclusive than exclusive. Yeah. Well, I think that's a really good point. We should tell these two to listen to our episode on sex. Because it is true that until the 1970s, sex was defined as penal penetration of a vagina. And I mean, that's so it's true that that was literally, that is sexual intercourse.

Okay, sister, you have a pod squatter of the week too, right? Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Here we go. Let's listen to this cat. Hi, Glennon. My name is Alan. I'm calling it to thank you. listen to your podcast episode about roles and responsibilities at home. And my wife and I sat down and made the invisible list visible. And I realized that my wife was doing so much because I wasn't doing enough. So since then, I've taken on the laundry and the grocery shopping, going to the grocery store every weekend to buy groceries for the entire week. My wife thanks you and I thank you.

I appreciate it. I mean, you can have Olivia and Lindsay, but I have Alan's Alan. Alan. Okay? Alan's wife. Alan's wife. I want to tell you that this, if nothing else, the gratification that has come from the

overwhelm episode to me, just in people feeling seen and understood and also in a personal level, me knowing that I am not, in fact, just a psychopath person. But this is, that I, that I am not in fact a person. Crazy? That you're a bad, named Cheetah? That this is a true thing that is. happening in people's heads with the ticker. And then we've heard this a lot. That it's just like the the people that are brave enough, Alan's wife who sat down and said, this is my experience. Will you

take the time and listen to this and understand this? And then the people that are brave enough, like, like, sweet Alan, who's like, I will do that. Not only will I do that, I will now start a new practice. I mean, I just love it. It makes me so happy. Yay, Alan. Yay. I Alan's wife. That they're having some good sex after that grocery shop, too. Tell you what. They're not going to have to justify their sex to anyone. Oh, my God.

That's why Alan sounds so happy on that voicemail. It all works out. There is no aphrodisiac like, hey, do we have hamburger buns and toilet paper? We do? And I didn't procure them. Let's get naked. Let's get naked. And with that.

And with that. You guys, we did light things. I know. I said naked, right? I said penal. Yeah. All right. I'm proud of us.

We can do hard things, but y'all, don't forget this week. We can also do easy things. Also, I think we should leave people with a Ted Lassow, bit of advice for doing easy things. You know what the happiest animal on Earth is, Glenn and Abby? No. It's a goldfish. Oh, why? You want to know why?

Yeah. Got a 10 second memory. Be a goldfish this week, guys. You just go through life, just forget. 10 seconds at a time. You got low expectations. You got low memory. You just be 10 seconds at a time.

Low expectations and a short-term memory problem. That is the secret. I think I am a goldfish. I think I actually am a goldfish. That's why you're so damn happy. That's why you're 2pm. Okay. I'm an elephant.

Okay? That's what I am. All right. My favorite elephant, my favorite goldfish. We will see you all back here next week. We can do hard things. Bye. Love you.

We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts. Especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't, don't worry about it. It's fine.