We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 174. How to Finally Let Things Go

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

1. Big and small ideas for what to let go of — so that we can all live freer this year. 2. The thinking trap that prevents us from creating new habits.  3. The heaven of resigning from the role of everybody’s problem solver.  4. What to say when folks say something offensive – so you don’t have “walk-away regret.” 5. How to know if you are an “overfunctioner” in a relationship – and how to change that destructive dynamic.

They've stopped asking directions. Some places they've never been. Hello to our favorite people in the universe. This is Glennon. Can you introduce yourself? My name is Abby. Mary Abigail is your name. Thank you.

Spoiler alert. Abby's real name is Mary. Mary Abigail. Oh, I love it. She's the goodness girl. I am Amanda Flair. Doyle. Such a beautiful name. Amanda Flaherty Doyle. So beautiful. And this is we can do hard things. Welcome back. Today we are going to be talking about stuff we're letting go. We're letting go of some

things and we're trying some new things. And we did an episode about this at the start of the year. And we called it we're on some new shit. We're not calling it, we're not telling this one, we're on some new shit. And the reason is this. Some of our love bugs let us know that new shit on some new shit or new shit is AAVE, African American vernacular English. And so thank you for telling us that. And we are changing the wording. See how not hard that is to do. Okay. We are just trying to try some new things. We're letting go of some old ideas and trying to believe some new ideas. I love that. You just said trying to try. It's so good. Yeah, I'm not trying is way too much of a commitment for me.

I'm considering trying and then I might try to try. Yep. Okay? And here's the amazing thing that happened. Amanda Flaherty Doyle and Mary Abigail Wambach and I, we talked about some ideas we're trying to let go of so that we can be freer in 2023. And then the pod squad called theirs in. So we went through hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of messages from you all.

about things you're trying to let into your life and things you're trying to let go of. And they're so freaking good and so beautiful that we decided we had to let everyone hear them. Yeah. Just to get ideas for themselves. And so I just want us to consider one thing while we're listening to this because I couldn't stop thinking about this this morning. So we have the idea of resolutions. People are always resolving to do things or to not do things. Do things or not do it.

I will stop doing this thing next year or I will start doing this thing. And if there's anything I'm learning in my recovery right now, it's that, you know how sister, you're always saying? So my biggest question is, why do I do what I do? I do know that. Yeah. I feel like the question of your life is why do I do? the things I do.

Why I am like I am. And there's an answer to that. So you do the things you do because you believe the things you believe. You are the way you are because you believe the things you believe. So the reason why resolutions don't work is because they're always about actions without deep consideration of the beliefs beneath the actions. So for an example, I have a friend right now who's, I'm going to stop ghosting people. In 2023, I'm going to stop ghosting my friends.

Okay. Okay. Like text messages, calls. Right. Exactly. This is a friend of mine. I'm not going to stop doing that. I'm not ready.

I'm not even trying to try that. But, okay, that's never going to work until she figures out that. she actually believes that conflict is death, that she actually believes that if people get to know her really, really well, they will leave anyway, so she'll just do it now. If sister decides in 2023, I'm going to relax more. I'm going to rest more. Unless she starts to believe that her life will become more beautiful and human, if she rests more, it will just become another thing. thing that she becomes disciplined about. Here's what I think about that.

So for me, I'm going to like eat more and I'm going to love my body, whatever the hell that means. Okay. I'm not going to do any of that shit for real until I actually believe that living in my body on this earth is safe. If we are changing behaviors or actions without considering at the same time the beliefs beneath them, then it's just willpower and discipline. Yeah.

And that never lasts because it's not real. That's right. And the horrific thing about this is, because I'm in the middle of this right now, is that you can't do one first and then do the other. So it's like, cool. If I just have to change my beliefs before I can change my actions, then I'll just change my beliefs and then my actions will change, but that's not how it works. You have to do them both at the same time. So it's like, I'm going to start considering that I don't have to ghost people

because maybe I could get to know them and they'll still love me and maybe conflict isn't death. So I'm going to pretend like I believe that and keep calling this person back. And then slowly, as the action unfolds and different results come, my belief starts to change. And then as my belief becomes bigger, my actions keep, it's this back and forth. You kind of have to live as if to get your actions to change, but you have to get your actions to change to start having the as-if change at all. And so many of us do the action first and just are assuming that the belief will come later. Exactly. Yeah, you have to do both, right? Yeah. And I actually would argue before you even do the action, you have to really settle into the belief of it.

Because I do think the simultaneous nature of it will be effective. I have an immense amount of willpower. I can work out and do it. And I still, through the 30 years of playing soccer, hated working out until this last year when I've really realized, like, what is the belief system around physical movement, physical fitness and it was always attached to suffering. So of course, I didn't want to do that. Of course, I needed more willpower than the belief that it was actually good for me. So I don't know. I think that this is an interesting concept. I've never heard it described quite like this.

It's like the belief needs to come before the action. And so much about resolutions is the opposite. It's just action without belief. And so of course, nothing is sustainable. Yeah. That's why it's over by January whatever. By now. That was too hard. If you actually believe something, it's not hard. It comes down to, for me, the difference between living in discipline and living in integrity. Because discipline is, I have to do this hard thing, so I'm going to keep overriding what I want. I'm going to keep overriding what I want to do this thing that I have to do. It's overriding your insides.

And then integrity is matching your insides to your outer actions. I want to want the thing. before I make myself do the thing. Yeah. It's really good. I just think it would be fun to listen to these and think about belief action with each of these. Like what would this person have to believe to actually change this action? Beautiful.

Let's hear from our first friend. Hi. I actually was telling my therapist about this yesterday before I heard the pod. So I'm so excited that I'm like on the same track that my new fit for 2020. is that I'm not going to presume a problem when someone in my family brings me a statement. So if my 11-year-old comes and says, there's no more ice cream in the freezer, that's a statement that does not require problem solving for me. Wow.

If my partner comes and says, I have a lot of work to do and the kids are still not back in school from winter break, that is a statement. That does not require an action plan for me, problem solving, or any emotional investment. I'm happy to have a conversation, but I'm not going to do all the internal emotional work of anticipating problems because you're not asking me to do it. So I'm not doing it until you do ask me. And I have to say, it feels amazing. Whoa.

This is good. I can resonate with this in a big way. And I think from the, I am constantly just like, surveying even before there's a problem or a suggestion of a problem or, as our friend says, a statement to get in front of that and to pave the way so there isn't any friction. And I've been reading this book called How to Raise an Adult. And it is fascinating because they're talking about how we are raising kids and solving all of their problems and doing their life for them. And the being of kids is what gives the skills

to be adults, having to be resourceful, having to figure things out, facing conflict. I learned that, first of all, in Japan, kids who are six years old routinely take the subway by themselves on the daily. And my 10-year-old cannot get the milk out of the refrigerator for cereal. It's just like the level of independence is wild. And so I think the belief system that I've been trying to work on as they're, you know, not getting assignments done or struggling with friends or disappointed because they continue to forget their book on library day is like, I believe that by allowing them to solve those problems or not solve them, that I am doing what they need. Instead of viewing my job as doing what they need by making sure they don't have problems.

Yes. But like allowing them to go through it because it's really compelling. How do we think they're going to get resourceful if they never have to access any resources other than us? Other than us. And when someone gives us a statement, like I think about what changed my life in my house, which was when someone said to me, I can't find. Mom, I can't find. Okay. So first of all, that doesn't mean I can't find because saying I can't find implies you've been looking around for

something and it has become impossible. What I can't find means in my house is I didn't see it in my direct line of sight on my way to you. Yeah. I can't find it means it's not in front of my face. Yes. That's right now. I don't see it. it right now immediately when I'm looking at your face. I can't find my shoes means I don't see my shoes on your face, mom. Okay. That's what it means in my house. So what do we say to them? That sounds hard. Yeah, we actually say, have you actually looked? And 99% of the time it's, oh, no. Like they didn't think that that was part of the process. But that must be our fault, right? I must have for the first 10 years of their lives, taken on so many of their situations, just a situation as a problem for me to solve,

they think of me as like some sort of search engine, like a Google. Yes. I've told them, so what people do or have always done is think. And what thinking is, is it's like Googling your own brain. So when you have a problem or an issue or situation, what you do is you stop for a moment, and you activate your brain. And your brain might solve it before you come to me. And they're like, wow, it's like Googling your own brain, right?

So I do think that when someone says a statement to us, like they're in the office, I'm having trouble with this thing and we take it on. The signal to the other person is, I don't believe that you can handle that. Or if the other person is manipulative, we're teaching them, come to me and I will do the stuff that belongs to you. Right. So you can reflect instead of solve. You don't have to be like, I accept this job.

I accept this job that you have created for me now. But you also don't have to be an asshole. Right. That sounds hard. What do you think? Yeah, I think what you were saying before we even started the calls, this idea of what's the belief underneath what she's trying to resolve, right? And the belief, and probably the family's belief, is that Mama Bear is the problem solver,

not me kid, not me husband. So what she has to do is she has to work with, I'm now a statement listener, rather than problem solver and to disassociate herself from that role. Because it is a role. I'm the problem solver in my family. And so this one hit me pretty hard. How do I not enable the people around me to? keep this circus going because really it's just a circus. And like you said, sister, we're actually

doing our kids a disservice by not giving them the agency themselves to solve the problems of their lives. And then you have to find your worth in something else. That's interesting. What am I worth outside of being the crisis manager of this situation? And then you switch your like, I am still the helper of my family. What I'm doing is helping them develop the skills they need. Yes. Yeah. By letting them figure shit out. Yeah. That's good. What I'm doing is trying to put myself out of a job. That was really provoking. You really hit it on the nail for me.

And then also, before we move on, I think amazing things happen when we can suggest to people that some of their problems aren't even problems. Like this reminded me of something that I wrote in Untamed, which was that I remember when our oldest daughter was little. She came home and she told me there was a couple girls in her class that didn't like her. So she would say, so and so and so they don't like me. They won't play with me. And my fear was big. Like I had this belief that everyone's supposed to like you. And so I started, well, why? What happened? Do we want to invite them over? My reaction to her was, oh, yes, this is a problem that we should solve. Now, I never said that, those words. But my reaction to her and engaging with that as a problem was confirming to her, Oh, yes, if people don't like me, it is a problem that I have to solve.

Oh, no, yeah. And then five years later, after mom doing some personal work around likability and people pleasing, that same child came to me when she was in like seventh grade and she said, so-and-so doesn't like me. I really don't think so-and-so likes me. And I remember looking at her and saying, huh, sounds like a fact, not a problem. And it was like, her face was like, oh yeah, sometimes people don't like us. And we don't have to struggle to fix it.

Oh, so good. Anyway, thank you for that one because it got us thinking a whole lot. This show is brought to you by Alma. When I first tried to find a therapist, it felt like a scavenger hunt with no map, pages of names, long wait lists, voicemails that never got returned. I remember thinking if this is what it takes just to talk to someone, no wonder people give up. So when I found Alma, it felt like someone finally turned the lights on. Alma, ALMA, is this beautifully simple way to find licensed in-network therapists without all the runaround. You can browse without even making an account and you can filter for what actually

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Let's hear from Nicole. This is Nicole, and I got to tell you, I am leaving. behind being clenched all day every day. I keep it in my jaw. I keep it in my stomach. I might breathe four times an hour. I'm subtly exaggerating, but that's been my MO for 38 years, and I'm over it. I'm done.

I'm so done. And in 2023, I'm actually doing a stoplight challenge where at every mother-effing stoplight, I ask myself if I'm breathing and what's going through my head. head. That awareness of my own thoughts, I think I have been sorely lacking. And I am excited to completely do a 180 and start breathing and living again. All right, everybody, unclunched your jaw right now. Oh, yeah. This is good. Deep breath. Nicole. I'm going to let you to talk about. This is all I'm doing in my life right now. Like I don't know what to say about this one.

I think 10 times an hour I remind myself to unclench my jaw because it's like the thing we talked about in the beginning. I'm clenching my jaw because I'm stressed or anxious. Or am I anxious because I'm clenching my jaw, right? And it's this feedback loop. I can remember that my jaw is clenched, uncenching. unclench, and suddenly I am less anxious. It's not just that I'm anxious so I'm clenching my jaw. Is this making sense? It is. Yep. It is. I love it. I don't think there's much to say. I love it and be aware and checking in with yourself with the stoplight challenge or if you don't commute. Any other challenge

you can think of every time, you know, right after you hang up from a call, unclench your jaw, check your shoulders, breathe. It's a beautiful thing to do for yourself. All I would say for this one is just be aware of the complete 180. You're wanting that really like stuck out to me because it's like, hey, in the first couple of weeks, if you can literally unclench for one second, that's progress. And then in another few weeks, maybe it's for two seconds or two minutes, whatever it is. I think that the expectation to be this completely different person, it's going to take time. So the 180, I would, you know, maybe like hope by the end of the year you're like 45 degrees.

Yeah, I was just thinking this year I'm going to do a complete seven. Let's hear from Kathy. Hello, beautiful pod. My name is Kathy. And one of my resolutions for 2023 is to take every single opportunity to speak out against oppressive comments. And so, of course, I had to make this call. And I was always a good girl, polite, respectful, and generally, highly self-regulating. All of that good grooming resulted in me too often finding myself

dumbstruck in the face of casual, racist, and sexist remarks that offended me to the core. My brain would seem to shut down for fear of being impolite until the opportunity for response would seem to have passed. Now, I am a fabulous 53-year-old crone, and I have no fucks to give for that kind of politeness. In 2023, I won't ask myself whether this or that comment warrants addressing or whether I have the right words, I'll just call it out. And if I inevitably suffer a politeness relapse, I won't berate myself or think, ah, better luck next time. I will go back to the person and address it as soon as possible. I will do it kindly and I will do it consistently. And I know from experience that it will open some hearts and minds. I hope that other

well-groomed pod squatters might consider this as well. Thanks so much for hearing me out. Love you all. We know Kathy's one of us because she literally wrote that down. She prepared it so much. She wrote it down. And Kathy, that is a mission statement. Yeah. Beautiful. I think something that it just brought up in me is like when we have these aspirations and resolutions,

especially about something like this that the world has conditioned us to respond and act in certain ways. And I think that what could be interesting about this is the response from the people around, right? Because that's what the fear is. The belief system that she's, she's operating or has been operating under is my politeness is more a priority than other people's safety. Yes. And I think we all have done this, right? And I think that that's really an important distinction to make is actually my politeness is. is harmful. Yeah. It's not nice. We have a saying of recovery, nice is not nice. Yeah. And it's like, it's not even my plate. It's like what these people in this group think of me is

more important than other people's safety. It's more self-centered. And white women, this is what we are conditioned to do. We think it's nice. We think it's polite. It's actually being foot soldiers for racism and patriarchy and all of these things. It's whatever the opposite of kind and nice is. It's actually quite malicious. Yeah. Politeness is a maliciousness. And it's hard. I mean, I struggle with this. It's very hard when it's like the casual comment that is, you know, your neighbor and you're going to see them 1,400 times. And it's like not egregious, but it does kind of. Like a dog whistle. Yes. It's just like a little bit of a thing. And I mean, I hear it more with sexism than other things. And I always, as I'm walking away, I'm like processing it in time and being like, look. And then I feel sick and then I'm buried myself. So I really like what another Pod Squader wrote in similar to this is they said one of the things they're trying this year is repeat back when someone says something that doesn't sit right.

Let them hear it another time. Ooh. And so if you struggle like I do with what exactly to say in that moment where you're not like coming from your high horse and berating them, I think that's a really good suggestion. Just to repeat it back and say, you said that you took. tell your boys team when they're not running their drills right, okay, ladies, looking good. And letting that's it. Like you're just saying it back. Yeah.

And you're just letting it sit because then it's for everybody to ingest. Yeah. Or even saying, what do you mean? That's. And letting the person explain it back to you. It doesn't have to be the confrontation. It just the call out. can be the forcing the other person to be accountable for what they said.

Yeah. Brittany Packnet Cunningham taught me that one, which is, has worked best for me throughout my life, which is you hear something that sounds, here's a specific example. When we lived in Florida, we were sending our kids to the local public school. A woman said to me, wow, you chose to send your kids to that school. And there was something underneath it. And I said, yeah, you look surprised. Why?

And she said, oh, I just, you know, there's just like so many other schools around here that like are considered to be better. And then I said, what do you mean by better? Really? Better? And you can play this like dumb. So what she meant, whether or not she knew what she meant in the very beginning was like, aren't there like a lot more low income and brown people that go to that school? Maybe you just didn't know that there's a lot of other schools in the area that are mostly white. So what do you mean by better?

Brittany says that racism never stands up in the end. It's not true. It's not real. So like if you keep asking questions, the other person will always end up as this is, this is horseshit and this is not true. Yeah. But just not letting it stand and keep asking questions is a good strategy. I also think just one more thing on this because Tish has been teaching me a lot about this recently. The difference between kindness and being like a good person and politeness.

And I think we get them mixed up. We believe that being polite is kind. No. But she said, if we teach our kids to just be a good person, to be kind. And some of being kind would be calling out racism, right? That's kindness. What she was saying is if you are a good person, the politeness will come. Well, I actually think that an impoliteness often suggests kindness because politeness is like, here's this script.

We have the situation. We're in this page track you. We're in this. Here's your script. If you stick to the script, that's polite. Yeah. And kindness is often going off script and saying something that totally disrupts the script. Right.

So it's being disruptive. Yeah. That is seen as impolite, which is actually often deep kindness because it's like there's something more important here than staying on script. Yeah. And it's like we teach our kids this politeness. Like you say ma'am and serve. Status quo. Tish said this yesterday.

Like we teach our kids to say ma'am and sir. then what happens to all the non-binary people? Or what if you misgender somebody? It's actually not kind. It's actually not kind. So it's like backwards. We're teaching our kids politeness so that they can be good people, but it doesn't actually always work.

Right. Well, politeness, like the origin of the word politeness is from to polish to make smooth. Oh. So when you think about in your interactions, what you are doing when you're being polite is making that situation smooth for all involved. What you're doing is you're enabling everyone in that situation to feel comfortable and like there are no riffs. And that works great if what's happening in that situation is not harmful to folks. If what's happening in that situation is harmful for folks, what you're doing is still making it smooth and making sure there is no

friction and there is no obstacle to whatever that person is doing. So you're making it easy. by being polite. And I think that that is something to think about when you're deciding where to be polite. That's good. Where to be polite. That's good. Yeah. If you're being polite in a shitty system, no thank you. Yeah. If you're being polite in a system that's kind and honors everyone there, then go for it. This show is sponsored by Middy Health. Parimenopause and menopause aren't personality flaws or phases. They're medical transitions. And yet nearly three out of four women who actively seek help are sent home with nothing. No treatment, no roadmap, no support. Not because help doesn't exist, but because the health care system makes it absurdly hard to find

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That's join midi.com. Midi, the care women deserve. It's a new year, and instead of trying to reinvent myself, I've been asking a simpler question. What would actually support me right now? And honestly, a big part of that answer is my home. I want my space to feel calmer, more functional, and a little more like a place that can reflect my goals and energy for this year, which is why I've been turning to Wayfair. It's truly a one-stop shop for everything your home needs this season. What surprised me most was how easy it was to find exactly what I wanted in my style and within my budget, whether you're organizing kids' rooms, upgrading your work from home setup, tackling clutter, or just trying to make weeknight dinners easy. Wayfair really does have everything.

Your home doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to support the life you're living right now. Get organized, refreshed, and back on track this new year for way less. head to wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R-com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. What's here from Meg? Hi, this is Meg. The new shit that I am bringing in to 2023 is letting go of the word should. I am constantly, constantly using the word should to the point where I don't realize it any want. I'm constantly worrying about what I should do, what other people are wanting of me instead of what I want. So the new shit I am bringing in is tapping into my wants, even as simple as like, I should, I should call this person. Do I want to call this person right now? If not, I'm not going to do it.

Alice's therapist sends home homework every week and it's really good for you. So our whole family's been doing it. Amazing. I love that. So I feel like it's a really good idea to get your kid into therapy and then ask for homework assignments because it's helping all of us. Anyway, she brought home this sheet. It's the what are you thinking team.

Okay. And there is 10 different sets of ways of thinking, thinking traps. It's all or nothing. Alan, blaming Blake over and over all over. Anyway, the point is, are they all new boy names? No, no, no, no. Oh, okay, okay. For example, the one that described me is shoulda Sharonda.

So my kids have been calling me shoulda mama. Sharonda always talks about the thing she should do or she must do, even though nobody else is telling her she has to do them. When she's hanging out with her friends, she thinks, I should be studying so I can be a straight A student. No matter how much she does, she always thinks she should be doing more than she feels guilty. Sharonda also thinks a lot about what other people should be doing. If they don't do it, she gets very angry and frustrated. That's so good. Is there a solution for Sharonda? Because if so, I'd love to hear it. No? Me too. I think we have to wait till next week to find out what to do. But I'm just saying that is, it's a whole shit of syndrome.

Yes. You're shitting all over yourself. You can't enjoy what's happening. And so Alice and I were talking about this and she was like, explained to me more. And I was like, so for example, that shoulda thinking trap happens if, you know, say I'm relaxing and watching the TV and I'm just thinking to myself, well, I should be doing that work. Then it messes up my relaxing. And she goes, no, that just means you're never relaxing. If you're spending your relaxing thinking about what you should be doing. So anyway, I love the idea of getting out of the shit of brain. And I'm with Meg this year. I'm going to try to work on that. That's so good. Can you ask Alice's therapist if we could maybe go through all of those on a pod? I want to know what all of you.

the thinking traps are. I'm serious. Yeah. I mean, psych out Sam, badmouthed brandy, Eno, Emily, drama queen gene. Okay, just ask her. Well, also, and I just, you kind of, you hit something that one of the most important things I ever learned in therapy early on was I was doing the should game and my therapist. You said it a little bit ago, but I think it's a huge deal. Don't should all over yourself. I literally still say it. This is, 25 years. Obviously, I love, I love, like, cussing and stuff. So it really, like, landed.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I've taken. There's something with really exploring the want instead of the should. And, like, should according to whom is an interesting question.

Also, I just want to say, sister, I think it's so, Amanda, I think it's so great that. Sharonda. Yeah. We'll just call you Sharanda. I just think it's so great. that you are incorporating all the things that Alice is doing into your family. I think that's such a good idea because therapy is really just humaning lessons. And for Alice to see that because you can say that to your kid, but then if it's really

just your kid going away for an hour with a therapist, they believe that it's just for them. So I think it's such a beautiful idea to bring it home to the whole family. And also just as a former teacher, I know that everything we do with that. kids is the distilled good stuff, like broth that's distilled. It's not for kids. It's for all of us. I just love it. Okay, let's hear from Shay. Hey, Pod Squad. My name is Shay. I'm sitting here drinking my coffee, thinking to myself, wow, I'm really ready to let go of just being that sweet person to everyone that anyone can ask something of me. And I'm like, of course, I'll do it. It'll be ready. and it'll be perfect.

And moving forward, I think my new shit is, I think I'm ready to be a little salty. I think I'm ready to say to people, no, thank you. That actually doesn't work for me. Or turn down invitations that I don't want to attend. So maybe my old shit is just being sweet, sweet shay. I can still be sweet, but maybe not all the time.

And my new shit is allowing myself to be a little salty and not worrying how other people are going to react to that and just being really okay and comfortable with standing my ground and making choices that feel good to me. Anyway, have a good one. Happy New Year or at least New Year. Yes. New Year. Thank you, Shay.

New Year. Salty. Salty and sweet. Salty, Shay. Nobody likes too, too, too sweet, especially the person that's trying to be too, too, sweet. No, and she's done being Shay Ronda. All right. She's going to be a little more salty.

I love that. Let's hear from Sue. Hi, this is Sue. And one thing I'm thinking of is something my therapist said to me. I'm a mom of three children and I'm a teacher. So I spend a lot of time to young people and I give a lot of myself. And my therapist said to me something that just kind of blew my mind. She said to me one day, when you over function, you allow others to under function.

And that's me my new mantra. And I'm going to try to stop overfunctioning for others so that they can function on their own, which will be hard. It's a hard thing. But I'm working on it. All right. Thank you so much. I love you guys.

I would like to ask sister about that one because you are a massive overfunctioner. You are functioning the shit out of everything constantly. Do you feel this? Talk to us about overfunctioning. I think that some people who identify with being perfectionists might be overfunctioners. I think people who are highly stressed out and feel responsible for quality control for a lot of things might be over functioners. I think the first Pod Squatter who talked about not a problem, just a fact, might, be trying to come down from some overfunctioning.

I think what's interesting about it is that sometimes it's like a chicken and an egg thing. If you have the overfunctioning role in a relationship or a dynamic or work setting, then it has a polarizing effect on the people that you are with. So if the one person started out as average functioning, and then you were overfunctioning, they have a tendency to become less and less functioning, which causes you to be increasingly stressed out so you hype up your overfunctioning because you think that's the only way to net out with a functioning system is to continue to get more and more and more functioning, which just shuts down the other person more and more.

I think that it is a really interesting thing to look at and just acknowledge and maybe know that it is, it is in fact, all an ecosystem. So if your kids keep coming to you to pour the milk and you keep pouring for them, they're never going to stop coming to you to pour the milk. Mm-hmm. If you keep taking care of everything, there is no reason why anyone would take care of anything. Mm-hmm. Not because they're assholes, just because that that is the way the ecosystem works. Yes.

And I think, I'm just thinking about like in our actual relationship or I think when you are a highly capable, high functioning person. So I would say like in physical activities and things going on in this material world here, Abby is a high functioner. And I'm a little bit slower at things. So let me give you an example. If you're next to me and I'm loading the dishwasher and I'm not doing it exactly as fast as you would do it or correctly, the correctly, the correct way. But like, for sure, the way I'm doing it, the dishes are going to get done. Yeah, there is a level of good enough with dishwasher. Good enough. That is not good enough with Appie. Right. Or something else. Like, just something, if we're traveling and I'm supposed to look up a

map or a direction or something, I'm not like fast at technology. And so I will sense that I'm not functioning as quickly or as correctly in a lot of areas. And so I'm, And that just shuts me down. I will just be like, fuck it. I'm not doing the dishwasher then. I'm not, I can't, I'm not going to do the technology then. And then, because I'm scared, I'm not doing it right. So then it becomes, oh, Abby's the only one doing the dishes.

Abby's the only one doing any map stuff. The fact is she can do it better. She can do it better. But is that really better in the end? because then the overfunctioner really could take over every damn thing or feel like they have to take over every damn thing. Yeah. Yeah. So basically what you're saying is I need to come down.

No, no, I'm actually, I'm not offended in any way. I actually want to talk this through because in my mind, this is the mind of the overfunctioner. I think that maybe this is wrong, but this is what I'm thinking when we're doing the dishes. Last night, I was like, kids, you guys do the dishes. But when I looked inside the dishwasher, there were a lot of dishes already in it. And so it was going to require a 10 level dishwash person to be able to do it correctly so that we could get all the dishes in and only do one load of dishwashing. And also, it just takes me so much less time to do it.

And so here I am just like, I'll do it. But there's like a little bubble in my head that's like, A little resentment gets built over time. Oh, yeah. You know, a little resentment's like, why the fuck am I the one that has to do this? Why can't anybody learn how to do this good enough? Yeah. And babe, what you would have seen if you would have been watching from the outside is that you said, kids, you're going to do the dishes tonight.

And then you walk directly, not even 30 seconds, you walk directly to the sink and started doing the dishes. Because I knew it was in the dishwasher. But that's overfunctioning. I know. And I was like, I had already gone through the whole thing. Like, it's just, it will be easier. if I do it. Right. So maybe the answer is to leave the room or something. I don't know. Or just, I mean, I don't think this is not, it's not a criticism of you because I do it to you all the time in different

areas. We all do it with each other in different areas. Okay. Well, I love this. This is going to give me something to think about over functioning in certain ways. Also, I don't want to get lost. That's why I do the map thing. Sorry. Can we hear from Allison? She missed it. What? Nothing. Did you say something about math? Glennon and Abby and sister. My name is Allison. In 2023, I am releasing myself from a culture of urgency and quickness and always working towards releasing myself from what diet culture tells us a woman should be. And instead, I'm embracing the word slow. I'm embracing the slowness and permission to move my body in a slow and gentle way and approaching everything with a little bit more

caution and slowness and presentness, I think. That comes with being a little bit more slow. I love, love, love your podcast. Thank you so much. for everything that you're doing and making me believe that I can do hard things. Yeah. Flow. Slow. I think she might have said slow. I'm not sure.

She said slow. She said slow and slow. Yeah. I just want to wear a T-shirt that says I'm with Allison in 2023. This time of year, I am always looking. for my sweaters. Luckily, Quince has all of the staple sweaters covered from soft Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like designer pieces without the markup to 100% silk tops and skirts for easy dressing up to perfectly cut denim for everyday wear. I can't tell you how much I'm loving

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Right now, get our free business guide, demystifying AI at netsuite.com slash hard things. The guide is free to you at net suite.com slash hard things. NetSuite.com slash hard things. Let's hear from Sophia. Hey, y'all. This is Sophia. I'm bringing the 2020 break that I provide my own safety. I spent years talking about which people are safe from you to be around, which relationships are safe.

I think I was measuring that by like when I could openly express myself or how people responded to me and made me feel or got triggered or whatever. But no, I provide my own safety. And so I'm just always safe. And I might exit rooms that I don't need to be in. I might walk out of conversations. I might not participate in discussions, but I'm just always safe. And so I'm not carrying the conversation forward anymore about who and isn't safe.

I am just always safe. I actually would love to just have a whole episode about this because Sophia, this is really big for me right now. I have never felt safe anywhere. And so that is why I'm always controlling every single thing about everything all around me because I feel like I have to create safe spaces everywhere I go because I didn't understand that I was safe inside of my own body. And something happened really cool recently, which is that I tend to be extremely triggered by anyone at a table or in a room that has a lot like a touch of narcissism or like extreme self-centeredness or people who take up all the room or talk talk talk talk talk talk it's a whole thing which i'll get into another time

but i was recently at a table with the talk talk talk narcissist and i was like breathing and was realizing i'm safe in my body i don't have to fix this person i don't have to be triggered This person, let's call him Nick, Nick is just over there nicking. And I'm over here, Glennon. I kept looking at you, waiting, waiting for like any kind of outward sign that you are over this person and that we were at like a level red 10. And you, I just kept looking at your face. And your face was fucking fine. I was so fucking amazed.

I wish I would have been there to witness that. Yeah. I think we all have stuff from our childhood that when we were little, we didn't have any power in the situation. And so something in me always was like, now I have the power. And I don't have to put up with this. And so then I would make my job to be to fix that person or put them in their place. My therapist, I said, you know, everyone's clearly uncomfortable with this person because they're hijacking the whole thing. And so I have to make everyone more comfortable. And my therapist was like, How? By like blowing up the whole table by saying something that's so inflammatory that like maybe you're the only one who's super uncomfortable. But now everyone is. Because you just said this thing that blew up the whole. So anyway. I'm not uncomfortable with narcissists. I think it's hilarious. Well, everyone's uncomfortable with something different because of the way they were raised. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. So my friend recently who's doing all kinds of good Alan on work said something that made me so feel so good. And she said, I am never trapped. I am always safe. I am never trapped.

I am an adult. I have a body. I have an ID and I have a driver's license. I am never trapped anywhere. And a credit card. And a credit card, right? Meaning I can get up if I'm in a situation where I don't feel safe, I get to stand up and walk away no matter where I am, no matter what conversation I'm in, no matter what room I'm in, that we create our own safety. Thank you. So, Fia. Yeah, I think if this resonates with you, go back and listen to the holiday episodes about sturdiness. I think that that's a lot of what we're exploring. Let's hear from Whitney. Hello, this is Whitney. I think I am leaving behind this notion I've held since I was a very little girl that I'm not allowed to take a break. I, I am almost finished with my grad school program for clinical mental health counseling.

And literally the last day of finals, I sat in a coffee shop and pulled out a book to start reading for next semester and had a deep reflection moment and thought, wow, I really truly think I don't deserve to rest deep down. And I'm working on identifying that voice because I don't think it's my own. And then, of course, I call my partner five years and tell him. And he's like, yes, I've noticed this. To me, I was like sobbing with my brain melting out of my ears, which is funny with your partner. Not surprised, but you're like, you know, having an epiphany. And I think I'm going to bring rest into this new year. I think I'm going to bring peaceful acceptance.

And, like, I kind of want to work towards celebrating it. Like, now I'm aware of it. Now I kind of want to celebrate us. my little naps during the middle of the day. I know. I used to think you were lazy and now I think you're a genius. I love them. Just genius.

It's genius. You all have to go back if you haven't and listen to the Trisha Hersey episode. I read every single article about Trisha when she put her book out after our interview. And she said she measures her success by how many naps she took that week. Think about that. Of course. Yeah. You are that at peace that you have laid your body down to celebrate beingness.

Yes to that being the measure of success. By that calculation, I am very successful. No, I agree. I agree. Yeah. I think with the, when you said about beliefs at the beginning, this one is core, right? Mm-hmm. I think it's for anyone, myself included, who struggles with worthiness around

rest and peace or general discomfort with being comfortable because you think that that means something is wrong or you're not doing enough. I think it's interesting to think about that and maybe to think about if worthiness is too complicated. Like, yes. What is your belief about why good things come to you? What is your belief about how, you manage to have in your life things that you value. That's really good. Because if you believe that good things only come to you because you make yourself suffer and work really hard for them,

then you will be looking for ways to suffer and work really hard. That's right. Because that is how you think you think, you got and will keep and will continue to get things that you value. And I think it's just an interesting exercise to do that part because general worthiness is confusing to me. It's so complicated. But if I really believe that, then I have to believe that I'm seeking out opportunities

to suffer because I continue to want good things. Whereas if I played with the belief or even looked at my life a little bit more objectively and thought a lot of it has been luck and ease and connections to the people that I love, then maybe I'd be looking for ease and connection as much as I'm looking for suffering. Fucking brilliant. Yeah. It's really good. With that, we shall end this time of trying to try.

We love you, Pod Squad. Gosh, they're just so smart. Let's just think about our underlying beliefs that kind of program all of our actions. And we will see you back here next time. Have a day. Have a day. Bye. I give you Tishmilton and Brandy Carlisle.

the other side I chased desire I made sure I got what's mine and I continued to believe that for me because I'm a kiss we're adventurers and heartbreak a final destination Some places they've never been to be We'll find we can do a heart A brand new star And sometimes things fall apart I continue to believe This people are free

And it took some time But I'm finally fine Ventures and heart breaks on the destination with act. They've stopped asking directions to places they've never been and to be so hard to play never been

and to do, yeah. We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts. Especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't, don't worry about it. It's fine.