We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 218. Kelly Clarkson: Red Flags, Divorce & Starting Over

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

In this deeply personal conversation, Kelly Clarkson – beloved artist, truth teller, and goddamn cheetah – joins us to discuss:  How Untamed gave her the clarity and courage to divorce;  Why she stayed for as long as she did;  The lowest point of her life;  What broke her heart the most in her marriage;  How to recover yourself after slowly disappearing in a relationship;  Her incredible new album chemistry;  Embracing singleness; and  Why she’s a stronger parent today. About Kelly:  Kelly Clarkson is one of the most popular artists of this era with total worldwide sales of more than 25 million albums and 40 million singles. Her multi-Emmy Award-winning daytime talk show, “The Kelly Clarkson Show,” has been picked up for its 5th and 6th seasons. Additionally, she was the winning coach on seasons 14, 15, 17, and 21 of “The Voice” and returned as a coach for Season 23. Kelly is the recipient of three consecutive Daytime Emmy Awards for “The Kelly Clarkson Show,” three Grammy Awards, four American Music Awards, three MTV Video Music Awards, one MTV Movie & TV Award, two Academy of Country Music Awards, two American Country Awards and one Country Music Association Award.  Kelly will release her highly anticipated tenth studio album, Chemistry on June 23rd.  TW: @kellyclarkson IG: @kellyclarkson

I came out the other side. Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things. I have a very special place in my heart for women who artfully and relentlessly tell the truth about their lives. This one. This one is right. This one that we have with us today is as cheetah-ish as a goddamn tern. Sheeta gets. You may have heard of her. Her name is Kelly Clarkson. Yep. He heard of her. Hi, Kelly. I've never heard of her. I'm I should have worn my cheetah necklace. I'm moving to New York so all my jewelry is packed. I should have worn my

cheetah necklace for you. I made one. I cannot believe that you have a cheetah necklace. No, you don't understand. I know we've talked about this a little bit on my show, but I cannot tell you the timing, my nanny handing me that book, me reading it, the fastest I've ever read a book, me getting to the part where it was like, would you want your child in this relationship and sobbing uncontrollably while they're both in my bed and I'm in my bathroom on the floor, like a scene. Like it was a scene. And it just was, you know, things come at the right time because I was struggling and it just came at the right time.

And she's given me, you know, tons of like book ideas. like to read. We're all avid readers in our group. But I've never once been like that because we love very different books usually. She likes like someone's died and they're looking for them. She likes those kind of books and I'm like, I don't want death. I'm like, I'm good. Life is hard enough. I need something to help me not add more problems to my life. Yeah. So your group, someone in a group gave it to you. We have like a, yeah, like my, It's like my mom, my sister, there's Ava, Patricia, Al. There's such a bunch of us that like, we like reading different things or listening to

different. We're all very different. But somehow our crazy crew works. Even my mother, I was just with my mother and sister in Montana. And she just started losing it over this toast. I was like, I'm going to let her have the moment on the toast. Toast like bread? Yes, because it kept burning.

The toaster kept burning her toast. And she just wanted some toast and it just wasn't happening. And it was obviously more than the toast that was happening. It always is. Yeah. I was like, this is bigger than the toast. But anyway, it was just funny. But we're like that group that can also be like, so are you good or we should talk about it?

I think we're all just to a certain age to where there's no bullshit. Yes. Yeah. So it's nice. But we're all very different. So that's also very funny. Isn't it a gift of getting older is having relationships where there's no bullshit? Oh, my God.

Yes. Okay, so take us back. So you, because we've, my sister and I listened to chemistry. We were in a hotel by ourselves. The whole album? The whole thing. I thought you'd only heard the three songs.

No, no. I'm so happy right now. I begged. I begged for a link. We got a secret link from some secret people. Sister and I sat in the hotel room, blast it. Like we haven't done since maybe we were in seventh grade, Sissy.

Oh my God, I love it. We were, like, looking at each other, like, weeping, and then we were like, we kept, like, stopping it during certain lyrics and being like, oh, my God, oh, my God. We were like going back. It was a journey, Kelly. It was a journey for us. It's a journey, right, though? It's a roller coaster.

It's funny that you listen to it. I don't know if you listen to it straight through, but we did. We did. So I went back and forth about that because I was like, well, maybe I just start at the beginning of the relationship and just kind of, you know, accordingly, like do each song. But it didn't make sense. Like sonically, it was odd. So I was like, you know what?

The whole thing was a roller coaster. It's fine if the sequencing is that. So, but I definitely wanted to start with, can I skip this part, which is maybe one of the saddest songs we've written. But that's how you feel when you go through something. I know we can do hard things. That's why we're here right now. But sometimes you don't want to do it.

That's right. You never do. You rarely, rarely do. Go right to the end where people are like, you're going to be happy one day. Yeah, we call it trying to skip the crucifixion and go straight to the resurrection, which that is like never the way it works. Yeah. It doesn't work.

I love that it wasn't in order because it feels like that too. Feelings don't, they're not clean and linear. The beginning, middle, end, and post of a relationship is like everything, everywhere, all at once, right? It's like you feel it all. It's so beautiful. So there's no post. There's no post, really, is there?

There's just the new you. Yeah. Yeah. Which is why it kind of ends with that. That's right. So the song with Sheila E. that we got her to perform, which I was so excited, that's kind of the like Stella got her groove back song. Yeah. Yes. That's the song where it's just like, okay. I was like, it's all right. It's going to be good. And I liked ending with that and starting with On the Floor crying. But it's, yeah, it's definitely a roller coaster.

So take us back to On the Floor Crying, because everyone on Earth knows the On the Floor Crying. I used to People say that God is everywhere, but I think that God is in the bathroom because of the moments of rock bottom I've had on bathroom floors. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. That's me too. You just said it. My lowest point in life was actually after the show in Irvine. And years ago, like 2005, something like this.

I can't remember. My lowest point I've ever been at. And it was in a bathroom. And honestly, it's the one place you can escape. from everyone. No one bothers you there, especially if you're like, even lying, going, I got to go to the bathroom, like, for real, they really won't bother you. Yeah. Yeah. You know, so it's just like, and the longer you're in, the longer you're in, the less they'll bother you. Yes. I know. I know. I think that's the place where you find where

people tend to leave you alone. So yeah, it was the one place at that, that amphitheater. And that is true. I've never thought of that before, but that was a moment for me. Why was that your lowest moment? So I had this thing, and it since then, still been working on the same thing. Just love to, you know, live in a cyclical pattern. But anyway, so I was very sad. I was having a very hard time with certain people in my life that personally in business, just everywhere, it was kind of like, and it was my heyday for me.

It was like the third tour we've done on that breakway album. I was very tired. I'd had walking pneumonia twice. I was just beat. nobody cared. They just literally were pumped. Not nobody, but no one that counted that made the schedule or did anything cared. And so I'm a total Southern girl and a very hard worker.

And I've always been taught to like, I mean, even in sports growing up, you know, you're like, no, you can push yourself further than you think. I've always been that person. So I just pushed and pushed. And there were very unhealthy people around me, like in their own lives, like very unhealthy. And everyone on the coattails, if I'm being blunt, was just draining me. And there was nowhere to go. Like home wasn't great. Business wasn't great.

Even on the road, like the only place to feel at one point turn around and go, wow, the only place I actually feel safe or heard is when I'm on stage doing a show. That's a really big problem. Yeah. You know, so yeah. So that's a problem. So that was the lowest I've ever I've ever been. cut to years of still thinking I could, you know, there's like this song I have called Sober. It's pick the weeds and keep the flowers. And so basically I started, you know, getting, tending my garden and trying to like get people out that aren't bad people just not good for me.

But I have this thing where, which is obviously I've done enough therapy at this point, to realize where things just kind of come back up, especially if you haven't addressed them or if you think you've gotten through it. I haven't. And so I just, yeah, for years, even until this relationship that's on this record, like, there's still things that are just these cyclical patterns. It's like, when am I going to learn? Like, when is it going to be the time you actually learn and not just learn of it, but learn of it and actually change it. Because it's very hard to change those patterns, especially that are built in from childhood,

you know? So, yeah, cut to a lot of bathroom floor. Bathroom floors. So you read this part of Untamed. I think it's the one that you're referring to where I had this moment where I realized I was staying in the relationship for my little girl. But would I want this relationship for my little girl? And if not, then why am I staying in this and calling it good mothering when really it's bad modeling? Which is kind of like tricky because even I've had friends come to me after three now.

this is like three years this month or maybe to like this week or last week three years like since our separation right and I read that and I know that to be true for me like I'm even watching my mother in two different marriages there's things you pick up on even as a kid that you're like this is unhealthy right so like an environment to live in it was one of those things when I read it I definitely was still on the not fence but I just I kept the tug of like loving someone so deeply and the tug of like really needing to love yourself as much or more. And it was like, I just don't know if I can do this while still trying to do this anymore. But then it's interesting because you think about your kids, right?

And you're like, oh, man, like, I wonder, like, how is this going to affect them? I remember how it affected me. And he has also been through divorces with his family. So I was like, oh, nobody wants that, right? So you try and you try and you try. But then you figure out, well, I don't want them growing up with this unhealthy. But I'm going to be honest with you. I've had people come to me that going through divorce or going through really hard relationships with kids.

It doesn't matter either way you go. Your kids still have a hard time. It doesn't matter if you stay. It doesn't matter if you go. I'm still having conversations three years later. Like my kids just came back from my ex. And it's always like, you know, anytime there's mention of like maybe him being with somebody else or any time. I mean, they are just really.

really adamant about keeping that dream alive that we might still be together one day. Like, and still, like, and we are never around each other. So it's, it doesn't matter either way. Both are hard. So, but when people say, well, was it better in the end? I'm like, I don't know that it's better in the end. Either way is hard. I think it comes down to you. It's like, I don't know if I can keep holding up all of this. Like, I don't, and that's what I feel like I'm having to do. And I'm a better mother. I can say that. Like, after. I'm a far better mother. Because I think when you're honest with yourself, you're able to be honest with others.

But sometimes you don't know that you're necessarily lying to yourself. Love is tricky. It really convinces you that you're doing the right thing or this is what you should do. It's just a very hard thing when you love someone so deeply to separate that and to have the right answer, which I don't when my kids ask me sometimes. I'm like, I can't give you that whole story. Like this is your separate relationship with you. your father, you know, I'm saying, this is mine, this is yours.

Like, it's, and it drives my daughter who is far beyond all of us. I'm just like, oh, my God, I'm not ready for this conversation. She's very inquisitive. She's very smart. She catches everything. I cannot leave a hint of sarcasm on the floor. I can't do anything. I have to be so on top of it.

I like her. Yeah, trying to do the right kind of hard. Like, trying to decide between what's the right hard is, like, Like one of the hardest things about parenting. And in general, even like this move. We're all moving to New York. Like there's people that can come to go in general. It's doing the hard thing.

Like, which hard thing? They're both crappy. Yes. But I appreciate that about you so much because I think that people, it's like they go the opposite fairy tale. Like we used to be taught if you stay together all happily ever after and there's your redemption story. And then people went the other way. Like now I broke it off because that was the right thing for me. And now I have to make that the perfect happy ending.

And neither are true. They're both extremely messy and they both have challenges and blessings with them and you just pick your heart. If you're a business owner who knows nothing about AI and feels really out of the loop, you're not alone. In today's data-driven world, you really need to understand your customers. and NetSuite can deliver those insights with zero fuss. No more waiting. With NetSuite, you can integrate AI into your operations today. NetSuite is the number one AI cloud ERP, trusted by over 43,000 businesses.

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It's one of the songs that have been released already. Yeah. The song like gutted me because you wrote, I don't know why I stayed as long as I stayed. Yeah. And boy, do I get that. We all do. Boy do I get that.

Why did you stay as long as you stayed? But that's hindsight, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's like when you're in it. And I think also our ego, like, or mine, like my ego, I'm like, I can do this. I can handle so much. My ego is like, I can control my actions.

I can control my reactions. I can do this and I can reach this person and I can get through. And it becomes a little bit of your ego that gets in the way. And also, if I'm being completely honest, we don't want to do what we saw done. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, I don't want my kids to be those kids at school. Like, you know, because I grew up, and it's a little different. They grew up here.

It's a very progressive city and even New York that's progressive. But in the South, there were like two of us with divorced parents in our class. So it was very different. And even like when you come down to like daddy daughter dances and you don't have anyone show up. And like he lives far. There's been things that happen like even in my kid's school. And it's like you have to think of all those things. And I think you play it out differently in your head too.

You try so hard, like, I do not want to do that to her. I don't want to do that to him, like, that you start never thinking about yourself. And that's honestly, sometimes to be selfish for me was very important because I'm never, I'm rarely selfish. It's been beaten into me since childhood, like to have a servant's heart. It's very hard for me to take that and go, I need this. And then it's funny because if you're not like that, then it's almost like you're, like, aggressive about it.

When you do need it. You're like, well, I need it. Yeah, because you have to be aggressive because you've, you've been letting it sit so long that you're like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, I need to aggressively tell you right now that this is not working. Like, I don't know why we do that.

Well, you've got to hold your boundary. And sometimes if especially if it's hard to create the boundaries to begin with, when you actually do one, you're like, I'm doing it. Yeah. Better listen to me. This is the line. This is the line.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I am better, I should say. I am far better at boundaries now, but we have this joke in our group. Because I'm around a lot of Scorpio's, and I feel like Scorpio's are very like just no bullshit. Like, this is what's happening, and this is what you just said, and that's actually what you meant. They see everything. I have friends and my sister's Scorpio, they just see right through it. And all I see is a sea of potential. Oh, like, like, just a sea of, oh, that's not what they meant. They probably meant this or they probably, no, you don't know.

Like, maybe they were having a rough day and like maybe they didn't. Normally that's not like probably what they do. I can't, I can't think that that's, like, I am that person. Yeah, you're painting those red flags green. You're just painting them. And you believe in the opposite of the Dr. Maya Angelou quote. So it's like when people tell you who they are, do not believe that. I am literally the opposite.

Like, my quote would be, when people show you who they are, it might not be who they are. It just might be who they are today. And I think it boils down to, I have to believe in change. If I don't believe in change, I will just go so zero dark 30. I will literally get so depressed. I will get so bogged down. And I just feel everything. So I have to believe that everyone's capable of change.

Now, most people in my group do not believe that those people can change. And that's fine. I don't collect red flags anymore. I definitely look at them and go, this is a red flag. Or I'm just doing the same thing, right? Okay, cool. Like you, I at least recognize it. But it's a very hard thing to give that up because it's also a beautiful thing to see potential in people. And it's also a beautiful thing to like not give up because you hear those stories too of like, you know, this person didn't give up on me. And then I finally felt love for the first tomorrow. I finally, because people that are like that, that just haven't seen light in a while, right? Like, people that are like that, it's because they forgot what it looks like. You know, I feel like they just forgot. I don't know. Where do you think that

comes from? Where do you think that that part of you comes from? I think, honestly, religion, like growing up, I think when you go to church at that young of an age, here's a thing. I love spirituality. I think religion can be confusing, but I love being spiritual. And I had a really great. And it's actually Okay. I'm going to take a drink. Okay. Yes. I learned in jail that you can't cry and drink water at the same time.

She did. For my mug shots. She's saying, I keep learned in jail. Yeah. The sweet person who was taking her mug shot. I was crying so hard that they told her take some water. She said, I'm not thirsty.

And they said, no. You have to stop crying. It does. It cuts it off. No. And why that just happened is, oh my God, I'm going to get this out.

It doesn't help that like it's Margaret Monthly right now. So that's helpful for me. But anyway, I like, look, I'm sorry, TMI. No, I just, it happened the other day at the voice. I was leaving the voice and my mother, she'll text me things like sometimes and I thought was referring to the show, like, why did you turn for that person or why did you? You know, like that kind of thing or like, or like, oh, that was a great performance, something like that.

And I looked and so his name was Dr. Frankie Rainey. And he was a pastor. Oh, my God. I'm trying to get this out. Anyway, so he was one of those guys. like, I didn't have a dad, and he would have, he would, like, cut out clippings and send them to me, mail them to me the letter, like, and just say, like, really kind things. Okay.

We're right here with you. We're with you. I've had pastors before, and I've had people that weren't so great in a church environment, because it's not a perfect environment by any means. But I just mean, for the most part, that's been kind of detrimental. For the most part, like, people around me, not great things happened. But this one individual, he was just a really good man. So, so he represents it for you.

He represents spirituality and religion and all of that to you. He represents what I love about it. Like, this sounds horrible, but I've never come across one marriage that I want that. Like, I just really haven't. Like, I'm going to be honest with you, in my life, like, not like seeing people that I don't know, like on the regular. I mean, like, in my life, I've never. been like, that's what I want. Up close. It's so true. Yeah. Like the real, the real. Like, I'm like, I don't know. That seems real

difficult and not fun and happy. It's kind of like that. Like with him, I just saw, he, he is what I felt like whenever I read those words in Sunday school or church or we're going through the sermon. That rang true for me. It was like, he was such a great example of a man, of a leader, of all those things. Anyway, so he passed away. Anyway Is that what your mom was telling you? And your mom was telling you that? Thank you.

Get it out. Get it out. Yeah. I can get it out. Yes, that's what she texted me. And I was just really sad about that. But I grew up like watching someone like that. No, I get it.

So for a person that hasn't experienced that kind of love to be shown that. Yeah. And then you change? Yeah. And that changed. You think you change. You change. Do you think you change as a result of that love?

Oh my God, 100%. And that's why I'm this crazy person that always does this. Like, and this is why, because I know it can happen. Do you ever wonder if, because I think sometimes we think, oh, I have all this hope. And because I have this hope and I see the best in people, I'm fucking things up. But do you ever wonder if like you're doing things exactly the way that you're supposed to? I think at some point we all do. what we think is as good and right and beneficial for everyone. And sometimes it works out and

sometimes it doesn't. I mean, I don't know. I feel like, I feel like it's a beautiful thing to see that hope. But I also think if you heard the song Lighthouse on the album, coming at you, coming in hot with Lighthouse. We heard it like we wrote it, Kelly. We heard it like we wrote it. Like literally, but it's like we were never, it was just never going to happen. That was the song where I finally not gave up on it, but gave up on that part. I gave up on, this is never going to happen. Like, that is the song where I got off the fence and was like, okay, like, I can't, I'm going to drown. Yeah.

This is not going to be good, like, for anyone. How do you know? Because you have Christianity in your background. You have, you just said sports, you have southern, you have a lot of cultures you come from that revel in suffering. Mm-hmm. Because if you believe in hope and you're a Christian person and you have that in your head, I know from experience, that hope is right after the suffering. So it's like, how do we know? I mean, I had a friend the other day that was at our house that was like, so, you know, my therapist was talking about how suffering means stop.

So blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, I'm sorry. What did you just say? Yeah. Suffering means stop? I thought suffering means I'm on the right. You're almost there. You're almost there.

Yeah. Yeah. And it also means that it matters. Yeah. For me, like, it also means that whatever impacts you that deeply matters. Yeah. So, so I don't know. I can't actually recall the exact situation.

But I think there comes a point to where you just feel so beat up, like, by life, by circumstance, by yourself, by others. You're like, I have nothing to give. And I think the point comes, I will say the main reason for that is, I can't even focus on us anymore because we have these two little humans here that are counting on us. And like, I got to get better like for them. Like we got to make this better for them at least if we're not going to, you know, make it for us. So it's, I think probably kids, that probably did it. Yeah.

And honestly, not, I'm not saying this because you're here. Honestly, reading those words and on that bathroom floor, like that was one of it, that was all around the same time that I wrote Lighthouse, that all of that, all those songs were written like three years ago. So that was one of the major things, is reading that and going, oh, my God, like, I would never want my daughter or son in this relationship. Like, I, obviously, I would hope for like way better for them, you know, in a far better kind of love. Yeah. So. So then you think I want I need to love myself as much as clearly I love them. And it's so weird. Oh, that's literally what my therapist, I think one of the first things started about, she was like, if you could just treat yourself how you treat others, like, you know.

And I was like, oh, okay, hard truth. I was like, okay, well, that's all for today. I was like, so I'm just going to swallow that pill. It's going to be fine. I guess I don't ever know, too, if you're doing it right or wrong. You feel like you're doing it, you know, how you should be doing it. And I don't know, maybe we're fucking it up. Like, I don't know.

But you're trying not to. And that's all you can do is try with all the information you have. But I'm honest with my kids too. Not honest about anything with me and my ex, but honest about life. I think one of the best things my therapist told me was because I kept trying to hide it. I would try and run and hide somewhere. Anytime I would just get overwhelmed and I needed to like cry. And she was like, why are you hiding?

Obviously, don't do it all the time. But like it's normal for your kids to see you. That's right. First of all, care that this is happening. And it's affecting you. And it's not an easy thing. I think that was a really good lesson for me to learn. Because obviously, like, look at my job, my vocation in general.

Like, even I spent all of COVID going through hell privately trying to make America smile on my ranch and the snow while trying to record a song in six different languages and doing all these other things. It was hell. Like that COVID was hell. And I just had to keep smiling. And, you know, so I'm very good at that. So because I've trained myself. But it's not healthy. So it was a very good lesson, I think, to learn from my therapist was like, it's okay for them sometimes to see you struggling.

That's life. They need to see that. And I'm like, why do we protect them from that? I don't know why we do that. Also, PS, same with the world. You're like such a lighthouse that like it's also, I think, okay. And, you know, TV shows are going to be TV shows. But to know that other people are struggling makes people feel less alone, you know.

And honestly, you just nailed why I even released. this album because I, you know, I'm like 41. I've got a whole other job right now. I don't need to necessarily do that. First of all, I just did it for me therapeutically. That's how I get through things. It's almost like how I'm like, what am I thinking? That's how I figure it out or where I'm at is writing. And so I did it selfishly at first. And then the last few years have been really hard on a lot of people. I think that that's true. Like any kind of art, I think that's how you connect with people and how you don't feel isolated. And so I, I think that rings true, what you said.

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it's such a shame when our wants and needs don't align. Oh, that's what's like. And that's when the song I hate love comes in, too, because that's It's literally that. You can love someone so much, but it doesn't change what's happening. Like, you know what I'm saying? It doesn't change the issues. It doesn't change the problems. It doesn't help in any way.

It's not that powerful, turns out. And it's funny, you know, you mentioned earlier when you were like, oh, because you're a lighthouse. So ego, like ego, when I first started writing lighthouse, it was because people always, ever since I was a kid, or they're like, oh, you're such a light. People have always said that to me, right? Well, when you hear that as a kid, you feel like you kind of, it's almost like your duty. Yeah, responsibility.

Oh, I got to. Yeah, you're like, okay, well, I got to be a light. I got to be funny. I got to be talkative. I got to make everyone happy. So then it's like your thing that you're kind of known for, like from early on, which is super unhealthy. But it's funny because you learn about yourself too. So in Lighthouse, not only figuring out about my relationship, but also me, it turns out I wasn't the Lighthouse.

Like, I started writing that as like, you almost got all my light. But it turns out we're both We're out here drowning The lighthouse is up there I don't know who that is But wasn't me And it's like your ego gets in check And you're like

Okay And you're like I'm not even that We're both out here in the dark Just tread and water And we're not finding each other And we're not getting there But it's interesting Because then it makes you think

About all those things That like you put on yourself Once again From childhood That you don't even You didn't even realize You did you know Yes

I want to ask about that light because I was married before and I, I resonate so deeply with when you say in Lighthouse, how you almost lost your light. And it was so slow and so imperceptible that I didn't even realize it at the time. Like I just kind of folded myself into him. And I thought that I was happy. And I didn't even know till I was out of it, how truly sick I was in it. Yep. I mean, you didn't even know like, even all the things that you accepted as that's normal. Yes.

Are incredibly unhealthy and abusive, like almost, you know? Like, it's like without anyone knowing or whatever, people just living their lives, how they live them, how they've acted their whole life. You don't even recognize it. And then you get out. And I remember we were at the photo shoot for chemistry. Even being at that photo shoot, it was the. first time, like everybody, even my whole team that's known me pre him after him, like all that, we're like, oh my God, there you are. I didn't even realize it. And then all of a sudden I was like,

oh my God, I'm having like fun. This is like so much fun. Like the photographer, Brian Bone Smith is incredible and he really got the message of the album and artistically kind of wrapped that in visually. Even like my clothes I was wearing, how I looked, how I laughed, the rock and roll side of me, all of that. Everything was so different. And I didn't even realize it until after that you had not dumbed yourself down, but like you had, like, belittled who you are to make sure everybody else felt secure or fine or whatever. You dimmed your light. Like you actually dimmed your light.

But I love how you said that. So, because in the song, I was on, I was, it's funny you just said that. Because I was in the song, I was like, I don't know if I was. want to give that power, that control away. Like, wording is so important. But I did feel that at the time. It's like you almost took all my light or I almost lost on my light kind of thing. But it's like, I turned it into like, you're right. It's like, I allowed that to happen. Like, so for people, because it's by no means my victim in that. You allow someone to do that. You maybe don't notice you're doing it. And like you said, it's imperceptible. It's gradual. And you don't, you don't even realize

what's happening because it happened so gradually. But I like that you said like that, that is the thing. You choose to dim it. You choose. And it's like, and I just, I don't know. I think in life it's like, if I'm not around people, like friends, family, lover, whatever, like, that are okay with the amount of light I have. Like, then that's, we're just not meant to be together. You know what I'm saying?

Like, that's okay. But like to dole yourself so you feel like somebody else could shine or so you feel like you're not in the way or you're not whatever the situation is. Like, it's not a, that's not a healthy way to live. You know? Yeah. For sure. And it's not a healthy example for your child to look at you and see that.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like we're teaching them what love is, right? So if you teach them that love is quieting yourself so that you can be with like because love should actually be the emergence of you. Right? Yeah. Like you should be more yourself in love than at any other time. And when we show them that it's the opposite, that's kind of scary.

I've never experienced that. Hmm. You've never experienced that. Yeah. I've experienced love. like deep love, but working through a lot of stuff, I don't, I don't think I've ever experienced that. Yeah. Like a love that makes you more you.

Is that what you're saying? You haven't experienced a love that makes you more of you instead of us of you? Yeah, I don't think I've experienced that. Like, I don't think that other than, I mean, speaking with like a significant other. Right. I've experienced that with like friendships or like family. But like I, I don't think I've ever experienced that. And honestly, I'm firework.

And I'm okay with that. But I'm very spontaneous and I'm very. communicative and I'm very like, I'm just very. Like any other, any word that can go with vary. I'm generally that. Like, I'm a walking empath. I'm just very. So, you know, I think it's got to be somebody that can, you know, not, not, I don't

want to say the word, handle that. I mean, I think somebody that prizes that. Yes. That thinks that's cool. Or if not, like, I got to be honest with you, these past three years, like, yes, they've been hard, but I was talking this the other day, like the voice rap party, obviously I'm moving to New York, so I'm not doing the voice. right now either. So it was like Blake and I was like last like thing for a minute. And never say never,

but I just for for me, it's probably good for right now. It's like it's just been nine seasons and we're at this rap party. And we're all there and everyone's hanging out the crew. A lot of those crew are also Kelly Clarkson Show crew too. So like I just knew a ton of people there, right? I had some tequila and I danced for three hours straight practically. I had the time of my life because I just, there's something freeing about Tequila. Not having to worry, yes, but not having to worry about, oh, you know, if you're

sticking together, oh, are you feeling alone because I'm dancing and you're not dancing? Are you feeling like, it's always like feeling everybody else's feelings. And sometimes it's nice just to be alone and just in your own world and experiencing your own bliss and your own... I literally danced with everyone. I don't think there's a soul there I didn't dance with.

I mean, I had so much fun. And it was just a freeing night because I wasn't in a relationship before. my ex. Like, I literally was like basically single until like 30. I was like in and out like a like two, but like not really. It was like months and like, but I just mean like real relationship. It's really only him. So I'm pretty good at like rocking life like a loner. Like because I like going to different groups of people and different vacations. I'm just that person. But there's something just so freeing about it. I think that people from the South especially will leave one relationship, jump into another. And I'm like, I can't do that. Like I can't. I'm not ready for it either. But like I. I. Yeah, I can't do that. When I'm picturing you at the party, I was just thinking it's because you didn't have somebody who feels weak standing next to you. Girl.

That line. That line. I was like, am I going to say this? Am I going to? I was like, I literally was like, am I going to, am I going to write that? You said it. And all the angels begin to say. Yes.

That's what happened. It's so real. It's so real. It's very true and honest. And I feel like a lot of people can relate to that. And I also feel like it wasn't supposed to be accusatory by any means. It's just that we're not like, this is not clicking. Me being able to be the best version of myself or you being able to be the best version of you.

Like this is, this is not it. I don't know what it is, but this isn't it. But it's a real phenomenon. On these conversations together, we've had so many powerful discussions about really powerful women and the men in their orbit not being able to handle it. Like in just being, at best case, accommodating it or acclimating it, but certainly not, as you said, prizing it or celebrating it. And that line that you had in me, I told you, I wanted you, but you needed me to need you. I'm sorry, ma'am. Are you picking like every favorite line of mine of my album? I was like, wait. Oh, your favorite lines are my favorite line. That's what I'm saying. I was

like, I'm sorry, ma'am, wait, what? I was like, uh, no, that's, yeah, that's, yep. I mean, but why is that, why do people need to be needed instead of, instead of being wanted? Isn't it, isn't it far more impressive and powerful that you would choose? I do not need you. I am choosing you because I want to be around you. I crave you. I don't need you, but there's a And it, well, it's control is a big player there. And like manipulation and all those things. Those will have fun things come into play. That's the thing that I think that broke my heart the most was like, I just think that's the most beautiful thing to say. And to this person, I've never said that to anyone. Like, you're the only person I've ever even said that to or felt that for. How powerful

is that? But it's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enough. for people sometimes. And that's okay. That's not how they want to be loved and that's not what they need in a relationship. And that's what it is, you know? But yeah, that's one of my, I was like, I'm fitting that in one of these songs because I just, I feel like I said it till I was blue in the face. I was just like, I don't understand. I just couldn't comprehend like how you couldn't see that as more beautiful and more, I don't know, just closer because there's a difference. Like if somebody's financially dependent upon someone or if somebody is emotionally dependent upon so any kind of dependency, I feel like takes away from what the core loving relationship should be.

Like, it's like, no, no, I don't need you for any of that. I'm just choosing you. Yeah, I give my love freely to you because I want you, not because I need you to stick you. I could freely be giving it to anyone and I'm freely giving it to you and only you. I think that's so beautiful. People don't agree. Like, I'm just going to be honest, people don't agree. And I will say this, because I know you point out women, and I do know, obviously, went with that too. But I know a couple dudes as well that have the same thing happens to men.

You know, they can, till they're blue in the face, say, I have friends that are like, I can try and make them feel as confident in the relationship, as comfortable. I can try and try and unless they see it in themselves, they're never going to receive it from me. That happens to a lot of people. I think that people who depend on being. needed instead of wanted, which I get to, I think it might also come from a lack of any sort of self or self-worth because when you need to be needed, it's transactional. So you're like, I know what I'm giving you, you know what you. But if you're just being chosen, that has to be like

based on your humanity and not just what you can do for the other person. And that requires a hell of a lot of self-worth. And vulnerability that happened to me growing up. I tried to transactionally keep people in my life because I was too afraid to let whatever the relationship will be, be. I was like trying to control it. Yeah. And you didn't want to lose it. Yeah. I'm just thinking about the beautiful, there's so many beautiful things about you. And as I'm listening to you talk, I'm realizing why I love you so much, which is because you hold two things at once all the time. You're not like a this or this type person. You're like embracing all of it. And I, I'm thinking about how we're taught all of these things that are goodness that are like hope,

belief in people, potential, falling in love even. These are all the things that are held up. And these are the most beautiful things in the world. And they're what make life living. And they're also what fuck us completely. Yeah. Like falling in love. What the hell?

When we were listening to your album, I think, which is the song? Best Kind of High. What's the song that we were listening to? Favorite kind of high. Favorite kind of high. Favorite kind of high. I love favorite. I mean, sister and I were talking about how we don't get wasted and go buy cars.

Right? Some people do. I don't know. We're not like, okay, I have to make a huge decision. Let's go house hunting. So I'm going to get totally shit-faced before I go house house. But then we choose our life partners when we are in love, which is just basically being really high. Yeah.

What the hell with that? I don't know, but I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, because there's nothing like it, man. There is something like in other things. Like, I mean, if I'm like with motherhood and kids and that kind of, that's a whole other thing. But when it comes to like just you, your own world, like significant others in that sense, like, there's nothing like, even the first time I met my ex. He passed by me and I felt altered. Like I felt like different.

Like, it's like, wait, what? Like, and I was like, well, I've never, I've never felt that before. I mean, like, I will take your clothes off with my teeth, kind of. Like, like, that kind of just carnal, like, I'm just like, where did that come from? You know, and that kind of high, and even in the beginning, and it wasn't for years later, by the way. We didn't even, like, run into each other again and, like, see it. But I, but I wouldn't settle. Like, that's the difference.

Like, you wouldn't you feel something? Like, once you know that exists, you're like, well, I'm not. settling until I feel that again. And because we deserve that. That's such a beautiful, you feel it in your whole body. It's just a beautiful high that like, of course, like we gravitate towards that. And of course we make stupid decisions when it comes to that because it feels so good that, you know, it's like why addicts are addicts, I assume as well. Well, I don't assume. I love sugar. So like I, but it's like we're all addicts for some reason. That's right. But I just mean it feels good. And it, and it makes you feel good.

good. There's just nothing like it. There's nothing. I have yet to find anything like that kind of high of like, you know, and then them calling you or you're texting the beginning and like all that kind of stuff. It's just, it's exciting. It feels like the high of clarity. Like when you're the opposite. But you're also so you're just hyper focused. Yeah. You're like that. Yeah. Yeah. This show is sponsored by Middy Health. Parimenopause and menopause aren't personality flaws or phases, their medical transitions. And yet, nearly three out of four women who actively seek help are sent home with nothing. No treatment, no roadmap, no support. Not because help doesn't exist, but because the health care system makes it absurdly hard to find someone who actually knows what

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That's join midi.com. Midi, the care women deserve. I took your lyrics. That's so interesting that when you were talking about it, such a shame when our wants and needs don't align being like, I want to make this work, but it can't work. I took that as, because I had the exact same, the first time I locked eyes with my first husband, I was like, well, good night, moon. Like, yeah, exactly. And then a few years later, it was a real kick in the shortness. Like, it just, it just was. So, yeah. Wake up, Boone.

Good morning, son. But I took that as like, oh, some of the things that I want, undeniably are not things that I need. Yeah. How do I learn to want what I need instead of to really want what I really don't need. I don't know. I think that comes back to self-worth too, though. right? Like prising yourself, even if it feels like, okay, back to sugar. Like, I love sugar, but like, it's not good for you. So, you know, you do all the things you're supposed to do.

But I think you do initially like, I mean, literally it's like coming off of a drug, like when you stop doing that, right? So it's like, once you get through that, the one, the tug of war and you get on the other side, you feel better. You just feel better. You feel more clarity. You just feel more, I don't know, grounded. You feel less emotional. Because that's a thing too is like in that kind of relationship you want it you don't need it it's like if there's always this tug of war happening of like oh my god I love you but god I hate you you are just horrible like in our god I there's nobody I can picture myself being with and then you go back and forth and that's not healthy that's just emotionally being just like just go a 9-0 all the time there's no rest like in there

so it's the same thing that's why I was making the metaphor like with sugar like I feel like I could be like very emotional like all the time and it's always it changes your body right it's like not good for you, right? So it's like, but you finally get away from that and you realize how, okay, this actually feels better. Like, you know, what I'm doing, that actually feels better for me. But I think it comes down to, for me, like, just prising how you feel instead of how someone makes you feel. Because, like, that can be very confusing. Yeah. Especially when it comes to not just love, but lust, you know. Yeah, and we're learning a lot about how that initial attraction, I mean, this is fascinating me lately.

That initial, but yeah, like, why do we do it for some people? Not everybody. We're all humans. I don't understand. A lot of people are now teaching us that it's actually more tied to anxiety than love. Like, it's something that's activating inside of us. It has to do with our original attachment.

So, like, I think in like 20 years we're going to start seeing that first initial rush as less of a sign that of a green go and more of like a hold on, this could be a red flag. Like, we don't, if we get caught in the middle of an intersection and, like, cars are going, woof, we're not like, oh, I can't wait to get this feeling back. Yeah. You know, because that's like anxiety, danger, danger, fire. Like, there's part of initial lust. And also, is the problem that we just keep marrying people?

Like, could we just have sex with them? Do you know what I mean? Like, is the initial attraction? Like, do we, maybe we just don't have to keep marrying everyone that we fall. Well, and that, that's why I'm so glad you said it. Because, like, people right after, like, I mean, right after. Like, even, like, separated. It was announced and it came out, like, oh, hey, I know someone. I'm like, are you insane?

Better be a really great therapist. Like, I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I'm still processing. And even now, like I said, like, I danced for three hours and then I had such a great night. And I think people feel, and I also where I'm from, it's like very, you like someone, then you date them, you love them. you get you get married, you have children, you receive your pension. It's like all these things that are just like, boop, boom. And it's like, that's not how it is for a lot of us. I was literally having this conversation in the middle of nowhere on my ranch, up in the mountains with my mother.

And she was like talking, I don't know, she said, do you think you'll ever get married again? I don't think she would have said that, but somehow it came up. And I was like, it's not that I'm against marriage. I think marriage is beautiful. I think it's amazing. I just don't think that it necessarily is for everyone, you know? I mean, I get why people love apple pie. But like, is it my favorite pie? Do I have to have apple pie? No. Like, I don't want it. I don't necessarily want it. Just because everybody's like, this is the best pie you've ever had. Doesn't mean I want to eat it. I don't feel like everybody needs to do the same thing because we're all at different points in our life. And even like career-wise, I love having, like, you said, a lot of I thrive in that environment. I'm the best version of me when I'm productive. I'm the best mother when I'm productive. I'm just better. I figure that out for me. That's not everyone.

And I have goals that I want to do. I don't have time for marriage. That's it. If people think you're just going to get married and it's like going to be, it's work. It is so much work. Even if you are in love, like you've never been in love in your life. It is work either way. It is day in and day work. I don't mean to sound, it's not horrible. I just mean like, it's just a lot of work, like for communication and wherever changing. You know, we read something, it inspires us, it might not inspire that person. They're so annoyed by it. Why are we all of a sudden that? You know what I'm saying? I don't know that I'll ever get married again. I'm not like against marriage. I would love to fall in love. I would love to experience that. I would love, you know,

whatever the future holds is I'm open to it. But I think people get married all the time. Like for for sometimes reasons that they just feel forced, it's the next step. That is not why you should get married. Do you feel in your life these days, like in your work, in your everywhere life, that you're kind of getting to dance alone now? Like you don't have to have that double consciousness. Because your work, and when I see you singing and doing your show, it feels very like you're in your body or doing your thing, like you're dancing.

And did you before have to always make sure you weren't being too successful? you weren't being too me, me, me. And now you get to just do that without, worry. I felt limited, yes. And I don't feel like that's necessarily the truth for all marriage. I just think that was in my case. Like, I just felt limited. But if you're, you know, on the same path at the same time and you're actually working together

and every day communicating together and doing the work, I think that it could be beautiful. But for me, it wasn't that and it was very limiting. Not to say that that's just his fault. That's my fault for allowing that. to happen. That's my work as well. It can also be limiting, like I said, because I maybe as in love as I was, I just wasn't ready, you know, and maybe the other person wasn't either. And you just try and make it work and it doesn't. I know. And I think that we can like dog marriage a little bit. I know that because we've all had our struggles with marriages before. But I do think the things that I've learned

the most about myself was through the heartbreak of losing a marriage. There has been nothing in my life that has taught me more about myself. So like as much as I do think we need to like be conscious and not necessarily be like intoxicated with the in love feelings before we make the decision to get married, I do think it's important to note that like it's not all for not. For those of us who want to do the work. And it's also in support of marriage. Can I mean the real. The real. The real. I mean, the reason you left your marriage is because you believed that it could be better than it was. True. When I heard you say, I kept trying to make it work, but I didn't want to make it work.

I wanted to make it beautiful. I was like, oh my God, yes, we are all like, make it work, make it work, as if that is the gold standard is that it works. I can make a pile of shit work, but should I? Like, I wanted to be beautiful. Yeah. That's the same thing too. I was just talking about somebody else in a different area of like under my umbrella. And it was like, yeah, I can take all that on. And I could do that. But that's not fair. And just because I can do it doesn't mean I have to or should. Like, you know. And here's the thing too. I think too. I think sometimes we focus so much on finding the person instead of the people. Because there's no way one person in my opinion. And I love humans. I really do. Even the shitty ones apparently. I just, you know, we'll give a lot of leeway.

But it's not about, I don't feel like, I feel like we put a lot on marriage too, like, in partnership. Like, because it's like, there's no way somebody is going to be able to accomplish all of that for you. And there's no way you should put that on them. I remember even in my marriage, like we would, I would constantly be like, hey, are you going to go hang with your friends? I'll go hang with my friends. That is very important. Instead of isolating each other and just only being you all the time. Nobody learns in that environment.

If you're having the same conversations with the same people and the same, you know what I'm saying? Like, you need others in your life. And when you're in a relationship, and that's not necessarily promoted, that's a giant red flag. That's why I'm such a big thing on like, you know, you are the group you surround yourself. Are those people that make you better? Are those people you would want to be? Those people, you know, are good for you. And I feel like that's the thing.

Like, yes, you can choose to spend your life. And I would love to find a partner, like to spend my life with and have fun with and go bowling with and drink tequila with and dance with and all that, those things. but at the same time, and also like that loves reading and also that loves just things that I'm really into. But also I just feel like you don't need to hinge all that on one person. I think that you can get that from your village of people that you surround yourself with. So we started this conversation talking about the circular lessons we learn over and over again. I'm so glad you're following. I'm so glad you're going to go here. It's like a spiral staircase, right? Life is a spiral staircase. We keep spinning around.

coming around to the same lessons. And the only thing that's different is that our, like, thighs are a little stronger. We're just a little stronger when we get to the next problem. We have a little bit of a higher perspective, but it's the same shit. If you had to, at the end of the day, get really honest with yourself, what lesson did this whole relationship? And it's not even the relationship. It's who you were in the beginning, middle, and end teach you.

Um, really, to boil it down, I feel like it's to not only be honest about those that are around me, but honest about myself. I think it's honesty because I think, um, I mean, by no means do I think I've ever been a liar. I just mean like, I think we, we mold things and shape them to justify them instead of just being truly honest about what's really happening. Because you don't want it to be that way. Because once again, your wants and your needs are different, right? So I think it's just being honest about, I don't really want that. That's not for me. And that's cool that you want, like, and being okay and comfortable enough, like coming back to what you're talking about, like, coming back to not having transactional relationships and not having just that fear of losing someone if you're so honest with them. Because you're going to lose them anyway, if you're not being honest. So I think honesty, just being really truly honest.

honest about who people are, including yourself. Yeah. That's a big one for me. I mean, listen, like you can talk all the days long. Your people know you as this lighthouse. To me, you are truth. And that is why people are attracted to you, Kelly. It's because they can see the truth in you and you speak the truth and you are just so open

and honest. And I just feel so inspired by that. Not many people in your position in your industry are your, are the truth. the way you are. That is why people love you. I think it's fucking cool. Thank you. You're so fucking awesome. Thank you. I made me feel cool. I was like, okay. No, I love that. That's so nice. Thank you. I think at a certain age, though, too, right? We just get tired of trying to make everything shine. Sometimes a turd is a turd. Yes. You know, it's like sometimes it's what it is, you know? So it's okay. You know, I will tell you that I'm glad no one's ever said to me over and over again, you're the light.

That sounds like bullshit. That's why you make your reputation, Kelly, as a depressed introvert. And then no one expects shit from you out of party. Okay. Well, what's funny is everybody thinks I'm an extrovert. I am an extrovert, but I think I am by practice because I am quite an introvert as what, like, people are always like, hey, let's hang. I don't hang. I hang with like literally like my village like

and then we get it together forcibly because my therapist made me once a week to have a life like we go out but I'm kind of that way too like I'm a Netflix and chill person like I'm you know or I don't know I'm not as what I think everybody perceives me a lot of the time because I feel like I've just been trained

to be that way. So it's interesting that whole conversation about extrovert or introvert like I feel like we're all little of both. For sure. You're on a spectrum. Well Kelly you asked before like it's hard to know whether you're doing things right or wrong.

And I don't think that that's the question. I think you're doing things true. Yeah. And that's, yeah. And in the spirit of truth, before we end, I'm going to tell you something that my teenage daughter told me after I made an announcement at one of her get-togethers, which is, Mom, Netflix and chill doesn't mean what you think it means. If you could stop saying Netflix and chill in front of my friends, that would be great.

Because Netflix and chill does not mean. sit on the couch and watch Netflix. It means have sex. I would love to Netflix. No, I'm actually, I'm actually meeting it exactly how I think it's better. Let's just be, let's just keep it real. Like, yeah, I like to sit on the couch and watch a movie,

but I'd also like to do other things. Seriously, the movie is followed by having a lot of sex. Yeah. So next time. There can be an intermission, people. Next time a dude walks by you and you feel altered, We're not going to the altar. We're going to Netflix and chill.

That's right. Exactly. Amen. We love you, Kelly Clarkson. It has never changed. I was so looking forward to this. Thank you for having me. It was a dream.

We love it. Everyone get excited for chemistry. Chemistry! Unreal. Oh, thank you all for listening. That means a lot. Oh, so good. You're the best.

All right. I love y'all. I love you. Kelly, thank you so much. See you guys next time. Bye. All right. Bye, y'all.

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if you'd be willing to give us a five-star rating and review and share an episode you loved with a friend, we would be so grateful. We appreciate you very much. We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios. I give you Tish Melton and Bray. Wendy Carlyle. Through fire, I came out the other side. I chased desire, I made sure I got was mine. I continued to that I'm a... Because we're adventurers and heart breaks on map.

A final destiny. They've stopped asking directions In some places they've never And too bad We'll find Can do a hard to start Things fall I continue to believe

People are free Look sometimes But I'm fine Because we're adventurers And heartbreaks I'm messed in They've stopped asking directions To places they've never been

And too can do a heart So play never been And too in due heart Yeah