We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 221. How to Lose Half of Your Guilt

Episode Date: June 22, 2023

Glennon, Abby, and Amanda help us shed guilt through a freeing reframe inspired by a conversation with Dr. Becky Kennedy. Listen to learn: How to know what is true guilt and what is just the uncomfortable ickiness of defying expectations; how to hold boundaries in order to live shamelessly within our own values; and how to maintain empathy by staying with our own emotions instead of internalizing the emotions of others.  Also, we need your help inventing a word for the “not guilt” feeling!  Get Dr. Becky Kennedy's "Good Inside Guilt Guide," to find out if what you're feeling is truly "guilt" or something else, here: https://forms.gle/Aad1g5LSBNFZoXaN6. Check out our past conversations with Dr. Becky Kennedy, and the Dr. Brené Brown episodes we talk about today:  Ep 170 The Most Radical Way to Heal: Internal Family Systems with Dr. Becky Kennedy; Ep 169 Why We Love the Way We Love: Attachment Styles with Dr. Becky Kennedy;  Ep 131 How to Raise Untamed Kids with Dr. Becky Kennedy;  Ep 130 Breaking Cycles and Reparenting Yourself with Dr. Becky Kennedy; Ep 88 Brené Brown & Barrett Guillen: Sisters Double Date; Ep 83 Brené Brown: What to Say to Get What You Need; Ep 49 Dr. Brené Brown: On Holding Boundaries & Facing Our Fears; and  Ep 48 Dr. Brené Brown: How to Know Ourselves & Be Known By Our People.

Hello, welcome to We Can Do Hard Things. We love you. Yes, we do. Thanks for coming back. Can you believe they keep coming back? I can now. It's just like, I don't know. It feels like a morning meeting every single day. So nice.

All that adulting we have to do out there. And it's so nice to have a place where we can come and talk about humaning. There's so many tricky things happening all the time. There are so many tricky things happening all the time, and that is correct. Without overpromising, what I'm telling you today is that we are going to change your life. No, for real, because what we're going to do today is talk about how to reframe guilt. And what is guilt and what is not guilt and how we have been discussing how to free ourselves of 75% of what we consider guilt in our lives. that is not at all guilt and is actually good shit.

So let's get into this reframing because I think it could take a lot of weight off your shoulders. So I'm going to try to describe it in my own way, even though I did not generate these ideas. I heard these ideas from Dr. Becky. Does Dr. Becky have a last name? Kennedy. Oh, Becky Kennedy. I don't know if she was like Beyonce or Adele, you know. Well, she's getting there.

Yeah, she's getting there. Okay, Dr. Becky Kennedy, you know how much we love Dr. Becky. She's the good inside person. Good inside. Good inside. Yeah, she presents as a parenting expert, but she's a Trojan horse. Okay, you go in there thinking you're going to get some tips about your parenting, and then she just messes you all up, and then she fixes you.

That's right. Because everyone thinks there's something terribly wrong with their kids. No one thinks there's something terribly wrong with that. Exactly. It's like when I was like, I feel. like my eyes are two different sizes in my pictures and then I realize, no, my eyes are just two different sizes. It's like, I feel like there's something wrong with my parenting and then you realize, oh, no, no, no, there's something molecularly wrong with me and I need to rearrange myself and then my

kids will be fine. Okay. Dr. Becky was talking about this concept. Now, I need help explaining this because, sister, you were there. You were not there, babe. So you will be able to tell me if this is making sense. Okay. And I'm actually going to run this by Dr. Becky before I release it. she can fix it if it needs to be. All right. Guilt. Let us talk about guilt for a second, because the idea is that we are overusing the term and diagnosis of guilt when we feel guilty. So Dr. Becky said that guilt is what happens inside of us when we do something outside of our values. So, for example, I'm going to actually just use a parenting example right now to describe this. But like, let's say, so one time when one of my kids was little, they told me something in slight confidence.

And I shared it with a friend. And then the friend said something in front of the kids that made it obvious that I had told my friend. I know, very bad. Busted. And so not bad. Just busted. Just busted. But I'm still.

good inside. So in that moment, I felt guilt because I had done something outside of my values because I value the trust that I have with my kid. I value confidence. I value privacy. I did not honor that. I felt guilty. Correct use of guilt. Now, we actually call a million other things guilt that are what Dr. Becky calls not guilt. Okay, so for example, we call mom guilt guilt. Mom guilt is this idea that, okay, now here's a different scenario. I am going out to dinner with a friend and my kid is like, don't leave me, don't leave me. You're the words. Don't leave me. I'm crying, crying. And then I say, I see you're upset, but I'm going to go meet with my friend and then I go to dinner. And then I sit there and I say to my friend, I'm having so much mom guilt right now

because I left my kid. That is not guilt because that is not acting outside of my values. I value my child seeing that I have friendships, that I have social connections, that I have a life outside of this home, that they can handle their business if I leave for an hour, that they have resilience, that I'm going to come back, that they can trust the people we love, leave and come back. Everything I'm doing right now is inside of my values. So what I'm feeling when I'm sitting at dinner is something. It's something. It feels uncomfortable. But it is not guilt. So here's the difference. To me, Dr. Becky called it guilt and not guilt. Guilt. Guilt is what I feel when I have acted outside of my values. What I think not guilt is is the discomfort I feel when I have acted.

outside of cultural pressure or values. So for example, if I work outside the home and I go to an event or something where all the moms there do not work outside the home or work inside the home. And I, they have more knowledge, I may be speaking from experience. They have more knowledge about what is going on at school and what is going on between children. And I feel something inside me. Yeah. I feel something inside me. The lazy response to that or what I have been taught to feel is that that is mom guilt. No, it's not because working actually for me outside the home is not against my values. Working inside the home is not against my values either. I've done both. But at this moment, I value the fact that my kids are seeing me do the work that I do in the world.

And not just in reference to your kids, because you're saying you value your kids seeing you go out to dinner. You value your kids seeing you work. You actually just value going out to dinner with your friends. And you value actually working. Right. So it doesn't, I mean, ancillarily, is that a word? Ancillarily. It also is helpful for your kids to see it.

But I think it's good to claim. That's good. If only for me, I value it. Yeah, I value this. Good. I value this. I value working. I value going up. So I'm not doing anything against my own values. That's even better. So I think it's helpful for all of us to think about when we feel guilty, it's something that we have done outside of our values that we need to maybe apologize for, maybe make right. But there is this whole other discomfort that we feel when we are acting outside of what the culture has told us to do. So I feel icky and

sad because I have absorbed these messages from the culture that I'm supposed to have no life outside of the children. Or what's another example that has nothing to do with kids? Okay, great. Because yours are from the like family perspective of kids and stuff. I think what's interesting is that you hear so often about it in terms of boundaries. So it doesn't necessarily have to be cultural expectations. I think it can be anyone's expectations. For example, if you are always doing more than you should at work, if you are always saying yes when you mean no to your parents,

if you are always taking on the extra volunteer position in your community, and then you start to adjust that, those expectations of all those people around you, are going to be troubled. And you will feel that. And you will think it is guilt because you're quote unquote letting people down. But if your value in setting a boundary is I'm valuing my time. I'm valuing my rest.

I am a person who values rest. I am a person who values doing things I want to do and not doing things begrudgingly. I don't want to do. Yes. Then you are actually acting within your values maybe for the first time. Yes. And there's going to be tolment there that you think is guilt. and when you think something's guilt, you think that there's something you need to do to fix it.

So you undo that boundary. Exactly. And what I think we need to shore up is that there are some guilt that we feel and guilt is when we acted outside of our values. That needs to be fixed or repaired. But we need to be able to identify this other discomfort that is just I have held a value of my own. Yes. Guilt is I've betrayed a value of my own. The other one is I've withheld a boundary of my own and that is making forces outside of me uncomfortable.

So for example, I am a workaholic who has decided I am actually going to rest and I have a feeling inside of me when I say no to that thing. And I need to not fix it, but create resilience for this discomfort, which is this feeling inside of me means I am being. being loyal to my value as opposed to betraying my value. But we are labeling both as guilt. Have you ever hit a point at work where everything just feels heavy? Not just a bad week, but the kind of burnout where you're staring at your laptop thinking, I can't keep doing it like this. You're not alone.

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Yes. People out there, the culture. The family. And, and yes, we are experiencing emotions, but that emotion is different. It's just discomfort in staying true to your value, but while maybe going in opposition to the values of other people and the outside world. Yes. So there's three options for every decision. One, it's in line with my values and in line with everybody else's values.

I feel comfortable and happy. Option two, I have made a decision that is outside of my values. I feel guilty. Number three, I've made a decision that is aligned with my values, but not necessarily aligned with somebody else's expectations of me. I feel something. It is not guilt. What is that?

It is the ickiness that comes when I have stayed true to myself, but abandoned someone else's expectations. God, why does that feel like that? And that we need to build resilience for. Yeah. And I would just add a fourth category. Okay. Which is why I think expectations is good language for this.

It's like someone else's expectations because I think there's a fourth category where you can be operating within your own values, consistent with your values, and also be operating inconsistent with your expectations of yourself. So for example, and that might be the hardest place to be. So in your workaholism thing, it's like, or in your, I am a person who hustles and gets shit done, maybe I am going to make a decision to let something. And, be a solid B effort because I have a value to do X this weekend. And so I'm making that decision in line with my values, but it is not in line with my expectations of myself, which is to make sure I always am doing A plus stuff. And that is the hardest thing because

it's very tricky to determine what is an expectation of yourself that needs to be adjusted as opposed to a value of yourself that needs to be upheld. Yes. Damn. Very good. Okay. Okay. Okay.

I get it. And one reason to do this also is because when we decide what it is, the importance for me of knowing whether this is guilt or not guilt, is this is the feeling that I'm abandoning my own values or the feeling that I'm abandoning other values. Other expectations. Other expectations. Yeah. Is that that determines our posture next.

Okay. So I'm going to go back to the mom example and then we can move into a different one. But if I am working or I am meeting a friend and I don't figure out which one that is, if I settle on, oh, this is guilt, my posture is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know, I come home. Oh, baby. The guilt that we show when we misidentify as guilt is that we in our body, in our voices, in our energy are apologizing.

And that signals to the other person that we've done something wrong, which then they understand this is wrong. For example, if it's the work thing. And I'm like, no, I actually am ending at five. I'm done. I'm going to go home and I'm going to rest. And because that's in line with my values or it's in line with an aspirational value. Right.

It's aspirational. One day I'm going to believe this shit. So I'm faking it until I make it. I'm going to do it until I believe it. Right. And that's a lot of times what we're doing. Yeah. It's the story of my entire existence.

Right. But I would argue that an aspirational value is our value. Or we wouldn't be longing for it. Right. It's just something we haven't lived into yet. But if I identify that feeling that I have afterwards as guilt, then I'm apologetic in my, oh, I know, but tomorrow I'm going to work later or, you know, I'm so sorry. I'll do more work over the weekend.

And that signals to everyone else that what she's doing is not okay. And then I'm complicit with the whole thing. That continues the pattern that I'm trying to break as opposed to somebody seeing me say, I'm actually going to be done at five. And that's all. And they're like, wow, we can do that. Yeah. Then that is changing the values.

I think that that's so important, the way that we respond to it, even in our bodies, right? It can either defeat the whole purpose of what we're trying to go and be in value of, or it can then project even more of the same stuff that we're trying to get away from. Yes. And just as important as it is to model that, I think. I think it's equally important in our posture towards ourselves because then you're like, I am full of torment. This wasn't correct.

I am continuing to try to figure out what parts of this are right and what parts of it are wrong as opposed to just having solidity in that. So when you come home being like, you're sad and that's okay. Like I was gone and you're sad and that's okay and that's that's right for you. And I had so much fun. And what's right for me is that I just went and did that. Yeah. So we're meeting on this grassy plane where you are right and I am right.

Yeah. It's lovely to meet you here. What makes it so excruciating is like we're really trying to act out these deep, like breaking these deep seated conditioning. Yes. And it's like it's. torture because it's like you've done this thing your whole life you've believed this thing or you've been taught this thing unknowingly and to go kind of against that grain and to walk in your own integrity and in your own value sometimes it is in opposition to what you've been

conditioned to believe to be true exactly that's what all these things are yeah it's a new year and instead of trying to reinvent myself i've been asking a simpler question what would actually support me right now? And honestly, a big part of that answer is my home. I want my space to feel calmer, more functional, and a little more like a place that can reflect my goals and energy for this year, which is why I've been turning to Wayfair. It's truly a one-stop shop for everything your home needs this season. What surprised me most was how easy it was to find exactly what I wanted in my style and within my budget. Whether you're organizing kids' rooms,

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How do you do this shit? How do you do this? Okay. So, Dr. Becky said that she wanted us to imagine a tennis game. Is it a match, a tennis? Match. situation. The tennis.

The tennis. Okay, so think about a tennis field. Match. It's a court. Okay, think about a tennis court. Yeah. One person's on one side. The other person's on the other side.

Okay. So you are making a decision. Let's go to the example of I'm going to stop work at five o'clock. Or she used the example of I'm not going to go to my brother's cookout on Sunday because my family is tired. We need some family time. let's just stick with hers because I think we're closer to get to the essence of what she wants us to know. Let's stick with hers because that worked when she said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Okay. So we call our brother and we say, I'm actually not going to host a barbecue on Sunday because my family needs some rest and we're just going to have some family time. That is us hitting the ball over the net. We have done our part. we have clearly and kindly stated what we're going to do. That is not the hard part because the hardest part of boundaries is not setting the boundary.

Hardest part of boundaries is holding the boundary. It's not saying the thing. It's what happens next because what happens next is, all right, the ball is now in the brother's court. The brother or anybody to whom you deliver a boundary. A boundary to has every right to have feelings about it. They're going to have feelings. That's what people have.

That brother might hit the ball back to you or try to hit the ball back to you with some sort of like, but. But I hosted you last weekend. I hosted you last weekend. But we miss you. We love you. Why are you so selfish? It could be a lot of things. I was really looking forward to this.

Right. For those of us who are extremely sensitive to other people's. motions. It could be a turn of a eyeball. It could be like a smile that goes different. It could be it could be a text back that says, K, period. K. Oh God. Oh, God. Then you just have to burn your phone. It doesn't have to be a year so selfish. Like for me, all it has to be somebody else does is a raised eyebrow. Now here's what we do. What we do is we internalize into our bodies, the other person's reaction. We have delivered the boundary. We have the piece inside of us. We are okay. Then the other person has whatever their reaction is or whatever our perception of their reaction is.

And what we do is we embody it. We bring it into our body. We were fine a second ago. And now it's like invasion of the body snatchers. And for anyone who is like me, you can understand what I'm saying. It sounds weird, but it's like, no, you're not yourself anymore. You are now internalizing the imagined feelings of the other person. Okay. Now, the really interesting part of this is the reason we have to avoid this, that we have to not let our bodies be invaded, is because we're making that shit up. We can't embody someone else's feelings. So now we're not even seeing the other person because we have an imagined experience of the other person in our body.

So now we're not having our own experience and we're not seeing the other experience. We're just completely invaded. Just assuming, you know. We're assuming. Yep. Right. Now, in case it's getting weird, I want to explain that I saw this happen a couple days ago, okay, outside of myself, because usually I'm the one getting invaded.

So I want to explain. Okay. Pause for a second. Okay. Because it is both in the I'm assuming I know how you feel and also in the case of, not having to guess, you could have a really thoughtful, great relationship where the brother says, I'm actually really hurt. My family was really looking forward to doing this. I didn't feel like doing this last week and I did it. Like, it really hurts me. And so there can be a very clear you don't

have to assume or fill in any gaps situation. And yet, the same still applies. So I just want to make sure that like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The theory. we're talking about now works with both the assuming what other person is thinking and when you have a very clear read on even if the person is sensitively and thoughtfully given you explanation of how they feel as a result of your boundary. Exactly. And either way, you just kind of want to die inside because you're well, you want to fix it. You want to make it better. What you have just created, the mess that you have just created, you hit your ball over. They hit it back. And you're like, okay, got the ball. I'll take care of it. Yeah. And you're not even there yet. You're just like a mess of the other person's

feelings. You are trying to experience it. Okay. Here's what happens. So I'm at our little local grocery store recently. And there's a woman who's a cashier who works there quite often. And I just adore her for some reason. She's like, I don't know. She's an old lady who calls me honey. So it's done for me. I'm just in love with her. That's all it takes. Stop trying so hard. You just have to call people honey and you're all good. If you're an older woman. Yeah. Anyone else? No.

Then I, you're dead to me. Yeah. No, no, no. Clearly. Yes. Right. So she is checking people out. Now, I will say about my friend, she's not the fastest checkerouter.

Okay? Not the fastest. Look at you so evolved. Yeah. You're liking even slow checker outers these days. God, this therapy's working. Well, I mean, it's one of those places where there's only ever like four people in line. Okay.

So it's not. So there's this person in life. who's right in front of me. And my beloved cashier is doing her checking and she is not going super fast. And this person in front of me is so pissed about it. And I don't even think that this person was saying any words, but it was just like their body was so obviously annoyed and like shifting feet and rolling eyes and doing all of these things that was so obvious.

Because once again, this is a small place. There's only four people in life. So I am behind this person. My body is gone. I'm invasion of the body snatchers, but I'm half internalizing this person's angst. Mostly I'm internalizing how I think the cashier is feeling about this person's discomfort. So I am livid. I am hurt.

I am upset. I am everybody in the room. I am hating this person in front of me. Okay? just homicidal this person in front of me, who is hurting the feelings of my favorite cashier who calls me, honey. By the time this person in front of me gets to the cash register, I'm sweating. I am in hatred. My cashier friend has made no changes, has not reacted in any way to this human being.

It is as if she has not noticed, which is imposterous. which is impossible not to notice, everyone has noticed. The person gets to the front and my cashier friend looks at the person with complete serenity and says, oh, are you in a hurry, honey? With no judgment, just, are you in a hurry, honey? And the person in front of me takes a second and says, yeah, my dog's at home sick. and then the cashier friend said, okay.

And finish doing their things and then checked out. Now, I have experienced the equivalent of a marathon. I am tired. I need a nap. Now you're so worried about this person's dog. No, they're questioning every moral judgment you've ever made about everyone. That's right. Because a dog comes in.

Okay. Now, here's what I want to say about that whole entire experience. It made me think of our friend Dr. Bray Brown. We will list all of these episodes, the Dr. Becky episodes, Dr. Bray Brown's episode, a study that Dr. Bray Brown did where she and her team canvassed all these people. She cares about facts. She doesn't just say how she feels. She's one of those weird ones.

She's one of those weird ones. She has like charts and stuff. She's a scientist. Yeah. Yeah. Like I always say, Bernay is just shame researcher. And so am I. But my field is the whole world in my life.

I just do things, feel shame, and then study myself. She wanted to find out what people who were the most compassionate had in common. The most compassionate people. What is the one thing that they most had in common? and they had a lot of hypotheses, such as maybe they all have a spiritual practice, maybe they all meditate, maybe they all have good parents, maybe they have what, you know, who knows? Do you know what the number one thing that all of the most compassionate people had in common? What?

They call people, honey? They had the strongest and most consistent boundaries. Oh, fuck. The strongest and most consistent bound. Why is that? Oh, because my cashier friend, when she is not letting her body be snatched by another person, she can actually see that other person. The other person is still an other to her. So she can empathize with them. She can empathize with them. If we go back to our friend who's telling their brother, I really am not going to do the barbecue.

And the brother says, that makes me so sad. We hosted, we did the thing. And then I don't take it all in. I'm still looking at my brother thinking, my brother's really sad. My brother really loves me. We have this situation where I need this time on Sunday and I'm going to take it and I'm going to keep it. And my brother's sad and loves me and my family and wants to make this work. So I say to my brother, that's beautiful and I love you too.

When are we going to see each other again? Yeah. There's no problem that needs to be fixed. Yeah, she used the example that you could actually, when you don't take the ball back. Like, so how it plays out when you take the ball back is you take the ball back from your brother and then you say, okay, oh, never mind. You're right. You're right. You're right.

I feel what you feel. And I am now going to schlep my family out to your place and we're going to do the barbecue. And the way that works is you've just trampled your own boundary. So you're pissed and resentful because you have. actually acted contrary to your value, which knew that you needed family time. So when you put the glass wall on the tennis court and when the brother hits it, it stays with him, then you can see him and you can actually be like, you know what? I understand your frustration. I honestly would be pissed too. If you made plans with me, I was relying on them and then you backed out of it. I'd be sad and

frustrated and annoyed too. And I totally hit that. So you actually are able to connect in the way where you can see them with their feeling instead of taking their feeling into you. And then you can't see yourself or them. Yeah. That's same with the kid thing. If you come home and you're like, you're sad, so I'm sad. But if you're keeping, no, I'm acting within my value and you're sad. And now we're two people that are having two different feelings together. And where do we go from there? For your child, as the school year continues, patterns start to emerge. You can see what's clicking and where a little extra reinforcement could help. That's where I-XL steps in, giving kids targeted practice so they can strengthen those areas early and keep moving forward with confidence.

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And we can do hard things listeners can get an exclusive 20% off I-XL membership when they sign up today at www. www. Ixl.com slash we can. Visit Ixel.com slash we can to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So can I just bring back to the tennis court analogy a little bit? So the ball goes over to the brother. Brother is going to have his feelings. He's going to try to hit that ball back to you.

And we are supposed to then acknowledge, okay, he's going to have his feelings. but almost put this like invisible cloak around us that those feelings are real, but they are not going to enter our bodies. Right. They need to stay with him. Got it. His feelings stay with him. So what she's saying is either push the ball back and not an aggressive way, but just like,

oh, this was getting confused, but that ball belongs to you. And you're not saying that. So I'm going to give it back to its rightful owner. Right. And you're not saying that. No, you're not saying it, but in your mind. Yes. You're like, I'm going to analyze this ball coming back to me.

Is this guilt or is this not guilt? First, I analyze, have I acted consistent with my values? Okay, my value is to know when I need rest, know when my family needs family time, know we need a quiet weekend. Okay, yes, so check. So since I've acted in accordance with my values, I know this is not guilt that I'm feeling. It's not guilt. So that means that the ball that's coming back to me actually belongs on the other side of the net.

And so I'm going to gently push it back. And now that it's where it belongs, I can say, God, it sucks to have that ball. And I'm sorry that like you're feeling that way and I'd be feeling that way too. And what should we do next? Also, I've still made the right decision for my family. Cool. Yeah. It has to do with embodiment.

Yeah. I think it has to do with embodiment. Like learning to embody your own feelings, not take on other people's stuff, and remembering that for all of my lovebugs out there who are afraid that that's not kind, what I'm saying to you is that that is what makes people kind is the ability to keep your own feelings and see other people's feelings for their feelings so that you can see. see them and truly empathize with them because we can't empathize when we are not containing ourselves and seeing other people. I have a question that is probably like the varsity level question of this that we didn't get to when Dr. Becky was teaching us this. But how do I know that it's consistent with my values? Because if I'm doing this self analysis on that particular scenario that she outlined where I'm like, okay, I had committed to go to this

barbecue, my brother's hosting, I now know that I definitely don't want to go. If I'm doing that self-analysis, there are three sets of values that I could be thinking about. I have a value to be committed to showing up for my family and integrating my family with meaningful time together. I have a value to keep my commitments that I make to people and be trustworthy. My word is reliable. I have a value to honor what I know my family needs. And in this moment, we need rest and time together. My question is, how the hell do I know? Because something that is in line with value number three is necessarily not in line with value number two and arguably value number one in that situation. So I think that's the hardest part.

Agreed. Yeah. How do you do that? I think to me, I think about it from like a priority level. Like, yes, we have a lot of values, things that we really care about. But every circumstance, certain values rise a little bit higher in priority than others. And to me, that's kind of how I weigh some decisions. And that's just like kind of instinctive. And then, of course, it's like communicating with with the people around you, your family, figuring out what the values of this specific situation will rise to the top or fall a little. Yeah, because it is true that these are nuanced decisions. So you can have values that are, that feel clashing. Like, you know, the other day, it was like, do you want to do this thing for work? And it's like, well, I value building our business. I value connection. I value these things.

I also value saying no and resting and not doing things. So in those situations, I really do think, okay, what makes me feel clenchy and what makes me feel expansive. What makes me feel warm, what makes me feel cold. That sounds so woo woo and cheesy, but that is truly how, and also I always think this, do I want to do this thing today or tomorrow? I am constantly making plans for some future version of myself because I'm I think that person's going to be different than the person I am right now. Like I'm constantly like, sure, I'll want to do that. Since it's a month or now, I'll be a different person by that.

I have never really wanted to. I've never woken up and been like, yes, I can't wait. No, you're inviting me to a party. Do I want to go to that tonight? If I don't want to go to that tonight, I'm not going to want to do that in 30 nights, right? I think though one way to think about it that I just thought of is that resentment is my superpower. And by that, I mean, it's the opposite of that. That trying to be a hero and quote unquote do the right thing for and to others,

when your most honest self knows that doing that quote unquote right thing will actually introduce your own resentment. Yes. towards the person and in the relationship, then it's bullshit that you're doing the right thing. Yes. Picture yourself getting ready to go do that thing. Do you feel bitter and resentful?

Then don't go because you're doing nobody any favors. Right. So I think that's a good, at least if for people like me, when you're caught between, am I acting consistent with value system one, two, or three? it's like am I introducing resentment in me towards someone I love or respect or as part of the ecosystem of our relationship? And if the answer is yes and you think you're doing that to do the right thing, you're

actually not. You're doing the lazy ass thing, which is what I do, which is like, okay, well, then I don't have to be confused about whether I make the right decision. And so I'll just do it, but I'll just be pissy and resentful internally. And that will no doubt affect this relationship. Exactly. I want there to be a word for the not guilt. Like, what is the word for the thing we feel inside of us when we are betraying an expectation

or a cultural value or someone else's feelings? So we feel icky. I was just going to say it's ick. It's sticky, but it needs to like be more specific than that. Should we say like it's the good guilt? I don't know if we should keep guilt in it. I don't think it's guilt. I don't think the, yeah, good guilt is like the vibe.

Yeah. But what is the word? If any pod squad, I've been thinking about this and I can't come up with it, which is making me, you know, that I like a word. I like a word. It's inconsistent with your values. Do you not have a word. Yes.

Yes. So if you think of what that word is or you have any ideas about, this, let me know, because I think we need to help each other build that resilience. So if you can think of a word for us, let us know, call us, email us. And also, we want to hear your thoughts and ideas about this. Right? This is a big deal. Women in guilt. Oh, my goodness. We need a huge cultural reframe on all of this. So thanks for hanging in there with us. Dial in. 747-2005307. We will see you next time. Love bugs. Bye. See ya.

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