We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 235. Tracee Ellis Ross: How to Make Peace in Your Own Head

Episode Date: August 10, 2023

Abby shares one of her all-time most impactful conversations – delving inside the “wonderful, dangerous” mind of Tracee Ellis Ross covers: 1. Tracee’s go-to strategies to stop questioning herself, to pick herself up when she feels unlovable, and to tether herself to her truest self. 2. How she made peace with the fact that she’s “not everyone’s cup of tea” – and stopped trying to change the things about her that others don’t like (but she does). 3. Inside Tracee’s 50th birthday party – the honor of being “Fifty and Free,” and what moved her to sing her mother’s song in her mother’s dress. 4. Tracee’s recent personal journal entry rejecting the lie that a woman’s purpose is to be “chosen” – and how she creates a beautiful, full life outside the roles of mother and partner. 5. Tracee’s incredible view of friendship: How to be brave enough to become a barnacle in your friends’ lives, and to find your Cauldron people About Tracee: Tracee Ellis Ross is an award-winning actress and producer best known for her roles in ABC’s award-winning comedy series BLACK-ISH and GIRLFRIENDS. For her role as “Rainbow Johnson” in BLACK-ISH, as a comedic leading actress, Ross won the Golden Globe Award in 2017 as well as nine NAACP Image Awards. She was nominated for five Emmys and two Critics Choice Awards. Ross is the CEO and Founder of Pattern, a haircare brand for the curly, coily and tight textured masses. Ross recently executive produced and narrates Hulu’s THE HAIR TALES, a docuseries about Black women, beauty and identity through the distinctive lens of Black hair. Upcoming, Ross will be producing a ten-episode podcast “I Am America,” which aims to break through the noise during this divided time in our country in an effort to create space and to heal. TW: @TraceeEllisRoss IG: @traceeellisross To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things. Yes, this is Abby. Today, we are re-airing one of my favorite of all time. We can do hard things episodes. It is episode 167. Tracy Ellis Ross, how to make peace in your own head this episode aired on January 10th. First of all, I... I think that

famous people aren't that interesting because of their fame. And also, aren't that interesting because of their fame. And also, I like to get a sense if they're real or if they're just performing. And Tracy Ellis Ross is exactly who she is. She's wonderful, she's kind. And this episode and the conversation we had, it was one of my favorites for a lot of reasons,

but I think it clearly demonstrates the human that she is and the work that she's done. To me, why I felt so compelled by her was because she seems to me like somebody who has done work in her life and has figured out a way to move through her life, even a wildlife. It feels like she lives a very in the spotlight life. And I thought that her way and the story she told, I mean, the fact that after big events, she's already planning her self-care,

her radical idea of self-care for post-events. That was life-changing for us. Listen to this episode, it's beautiful, I love Treesy Ellis Ross. You all welcome to We Can Do Our Things. I'm going to really rush through the intro because today we have one of my favorite people. Is that not true? It is very true. On this entire planet. Tracy Ellis Ross is an award-winning actress and producer best known for her roles in ABC's award-winning comedy series Blackish and Girlfriends for her role as Rainbow Johnson in Blackish

as a comedic leading actress. Ross won the Golden Globe Award in 2017 as well as nine NWACP image awards. She was nominated for five Emmys and two critics choice awards. Ross is the CEO and founder of Pattern, a hair care brand for the curly, coily, and tight textured masses. Ross recently executive produced and narrates who lose the hair tails, amazing. A docu-series about black women, beauty, and identity

through the distinctive lens of black hair. Upcoming Ross will be producing a 10 episode podcast, I Am America, which aims to break through the noise during this divided time in our country. Did you know that? I did not. And I'm so proud of that. I can't wait to share that.

I can't wait. Yeah, I can't, I honestly can't wait for you to hear it. Oh my God. Yeah. This is, it's so funny, Lizzie. You know what's funny about it? It's funny to listen to a friend read your stuff. Because it has nothing to do with our connection.

And so it's funny. It was, like, my birthday when my friends had the mic run, I was so tickled. That's what we want to talk about. First of all, we decided we're going to do this interview differently than we ever do interviews. Because we don't want it to be like, this is your life thing.

Because what I told my sister and Abby is that I just thought of this category of person. But you are my, I'll have what she's having. Yes. When you look at someone and you're with them and you spend time with them and you see who they are in the world and you're just like, I will have what she's having. Yeah. And I just truly find you to be one of the most unique and wise and magnificent women I know.

And it's kind of how kind. Well, most people are like one thing or another thing. You just kind of like pick something and go with it. But you are so raw and real and also glamorous. You're so powerful and poised, but also very transparent and tender. Mm-hmm. It's just all the things at once.

And so now I get to have you for an hour and do what I've always wanna do, which is I need you to tell me everything you know, okay? Yeah. And you're sad. I did that. We kinda did that in my old house. I know.

I know. I know. I mean, I'm so happy to meet you as well. It's like crazy. Your voice is like a part of my world. I haven't had time with you. Yeah, so it's lovely to meet you. This is fun. It's fun.

First of all, what you just said about me, it's so interesting to have mirrored back a version of yourself that is actually the version you want to be, you know, and to get to a place in an age where it's happened a couple, there's a couple of different times in my life, and I go, oh, okay, like, despite what it feels like sometimes in the and sometimes don't go in there alone. Despite some of that inner dialogue and that really bad story that happens in my head, every once in a while, I catch glimpses of the way I'm actually presenting out of the world. And it's a nice moment of validation and encouragement of like, okay, you're doing okay,

you're moving in the right direction. I think so, Tracy. You are. If you're not, you're doing okay, you're moving in the right direction. I think so, Tracy. If you're not, we're all fucked. If you're not, we're gonna stop trying. So can you explain to my sister, and because I've already talked to Abby about this ad nauseam, but what you talked to me about cauldron sisters. Yeah.

Talk to me about what the cauldron is. I have this theory that souls are made in bunches. And I don't know, mother nature, someone's somewhere, some beautiful gathering of people. They have these big cauldrons that they make people in, that they make souls in. And it's souls, honestly, not people. And they're like, okay, what's this,

and this one's gonna have, I don't know, a little bit of heartbreak, but a lot of joy. I don't know, and these are gonna be people who have really open hearts and whatever. And then they go, when they're cooked, when the little veggies are cooked in their souls, they like sprinkle them out through time. And some of them are like, you know, they were back in 1816 and one goes in a dog and one

goes in a lizard and one goes in a Abby and one goes in a Glen end and one goes in an Amanda and they're like all over the place. And then you don't know when or how or what's going to bring you to another cauldron fellow, sister or whatever, whomever. But you meet someone and you're like, oh, we're from the same suit. Oh my God, this is exactly correct. Right? Like, it's one of those things where you're just like,

I don't know what it is. Like, why do I feel like I've known you forever? It's like, oh, we have the same map. We have the same ingredients. Oh. And although the time period were from or the town were from or whatever, like, there was nothing

that you would think would make our lives match. Somehow we come from the same ingredients. Do you know what those things are? That's interesting. I really find that I am from the same soup of people who, because I say that there's some people where there's a lot of matches on the external things and then there's the people that it's just like the inner road map. It's just similar.

The things that soothe and comfort and the willingness to have the inside conversation on the outside, the deep conversation, the transparency, and the thing that's interesting is sometimes, like, I mean, you know, we don't see each other all the time. But I've called you in tangly moments, and I've run into you on planes. Oh, I mean. And somehow there's a connection that is beyond the circumstances of our life.

And so maybe the people from my cauldron, also I do think back in the day, I would have been certainly burned at the stage. Totally. Definitely a witchy lady. I know I kind of think our cauldron is literal. I think it's a literal. It might be. Yeah. It really might be. We might actually be out of a steaming culture. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it looks so much. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I always say that when you hear those old stories about the women that were burned at the stake because of their beliefs and their feelings and their instincts and their intuition and their deep soul calling, I read their description and I'm like, huh, that sounds like a really great lady. Yes. Every damn time.

Yeah, I'm like, hmm, that sounds like someone I would really want to be friends with. Yeah, every time you hear of a witch, you think, cold-dream sister. I think that's my sis. Speaking of, so Abbie and I were freaking lucky enough to be at your recent 50th birthday celebration of life. It was so freaking beautiful It was a cauldron of your people. It was and I really appreciate you guys coming out of the house because I know for me and for you

That's not an easy thing. Well, I would do anything for love chasing. I literally even do that. I'm one of those people that I'm like Yeah, I would love to go but do I really want to leave the house? Yeah, I'm always thinking oh, I wish I wanted to go That's the best. That's exactly right. That's exactly right So I have to tell you, we were there for maybe 10 minutes when maybe six people had come up to us and introduced themselves to us as your best friend. Yep. Okay. I just started. Now that's what I do. I do interviews. I just say I'm glad in Toilom, Tracy Ellis, Rastas, best friend. But it was amazing how many people were so, you're just beloved to people. One woman told us that you were the only person who was in her delivery room delivering

her twins and she told us this next to her husband. I kept thinking, oh, he was on a business trip. She was on hospital rest with her twins. She had to be in the hospital hooked up to things. And he happened to go like for a 24 hour, like he literally had to go somewhere for a work trip. And so I was on call and I got the call. Oh my God.

And I was chipped right there. And then I switched off. And then when he arrived, I hand, but I was the first. Oh my God. And I was chipped right there. And then I switched off. And then when he arrived, I hinted, but I was the first one to hold them. Oh. Filly and Clover. And it was really magical. I have to say, the doctor actually said,

because you know, they put the little curtain up. And the doctor was like, you can actually sit down. You don't have to watch. I was like, no, I'm fine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And I was like, I was like, can you scoot over a little bit? Yeah, you're blocking my view. I'm sorry. It was amazing. You have described yourself as a barnacle on your good friend's lives. I just love that image so much that you insist upon and allow yourself to be a barnacle.

Talk to us about that. Yeah, you know, there's a really interesting thing. I am single. I have been single. I've been single for a very long time. I've had many wonderful ins and outs of things, but no one stuck to the pan. And as a result, I get to curate my family, my chosen family

around me. And I don't think I realized the gift of that until I've started to get older, but my friend Samira, she's the one that coined that barnacle phrase. And she did a toast. She did that. She did the toast. Yeah. So Samira, I met when I was 22 at Mirabelle magazine when I went to work as an intern in the fashion department there and she was also an intern. She is now the editor in chief of Harper's was are. Yeah, we've been through all these journeys together. And really, it's just the best metaphor because it's like you think of a barricole, like, you know,

I keep thinking of those people that are like chord with scraping the barnacles off the bottom of the boat that like don't want to go and they've like made home there and then they like shackled the other barnacles and they're like attached to the boat and making a life on a thing that's not really where they're supposed to be because it's supposed to be on a rock, not a boat, you know, and that's what I feel like. I feel like I'm like on the back of Samarro's butt just like that.

I got you girl, you can't even reach me if you try and scrape me off. I remember someone saying once, I tried to get rid of that relationship, but it was like gum on your shoe. There's always like residue up at somewhere. And it's the best residue. I mean, you know, the history that occurs over... So Monica and Samarir were the two that gave that back and forth speech together. And Monica and I met in college. I was 17, 18, 17. We were both

17. Our boyfriends were best friends. And they're long gone. Wow. They are long gone. They were not barnacles. They were like the people with the brush. Yes, exactly. Good luck with that, buddy. So Monica, 17, Samira, when I graduated from college and was interning, I met her 22. I'm 50 now. So these are long run situations. And Monica's an only child. So I'm 50 now. So these are long run situations and Monica's an only child. So I'm the sister. I remember her son We were together somewhere and there's a video of it. It's fantastic. I'm sitting on Monica's lap or she's sitting on my lap and He was like, what are you guys doing? That's weird and

Monica said this is what people do. They love each other This is what it looks like kid. Get used to it because this is it. You know. And yeah. So, Barnacle, I'll be there. I'll be there on there. What was that friend song?

I'll be there for you. I only hear it six times a day. So, I just love that idea of it being okay to be stubbornly stuck to someone. Because I think so many of us are afraid to be a burden. And I love the claiming of that. I absolutely am afraid of being a burden. I think one of the things I can't remember who said this to me that not one friend or one person has to be all things to you at all times.

Which is really helpful because I come from some wiring and information that might have told me something a little bit confused. Not me. My messages were very clear. And yeah, really clear. I'm not unpacking any of those adult. No, no.

So patriarchy didn't teach me nothing. No. So what do you mean? Well, so we go back to this model that you're sold, that we not only are we sold it, but we are fed it, and we have to drink it, and it's everywhere. And if you're not careful, you actually think it's true, and it's the only bit of news for you, which is that my job as a woman is to learn to be choosable. Having nothing to do with who I am, what makes my heart sing, floats my boat, makes me feel safe, makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel good, makes me feel powerful,

makes me feel smart, any of feel powerful, makes me feel smart. Any of those things, but really is more about how I might be seen so that I might be chosen, so that my life could mean something as a chosen woman who then gets to have a child and then be a mother and do that for a child. So our culture sells us this and there's nothing wrong with that journey. But if it's a chosen journey, as opposed to the one that you think is going to make you worth anything. And and then everything starts to fall into that messaging. And then if you're a black woman, there's like a whole other blah, blah, blah. There's so many different versions of

that, but that's like that overarching thing as a woman. And then your friendships fall into that whole too. So if you haven't been chosen for a guy, then you're gonna fill all that God-sized hole in all those different things with a friend, and then you become the best friend. And then it just, you know, it just gets all real tangled in real confusing. I've been grateful enough to have found places where there are eons of tools in different ways to unpack that crazy messaging. Make sense of it in a way that actually gives me a shot at genuine happiness and a robust life that's actually mine.

And it's like a daily reprieve. Some days are better than others. Some days the old messaging comes in, sweeps in, and I've got a really nice matching story that goes with it of my unloved ability and that narrative that just kind of travels along with it. And if I'm not careful and go into, you know, that thinking alone, I get stuck there and then you come out. But that was a long-winded way of saying, you know. It was a lot.

A lot. A lot. A lot. A lot. A lot. A lot. A lot. Hi, it's Elise Loonon, the New York Times bestselling author of Honor Best Behavior,

and the host of the podcast, Pulling the Thread. I'm pulling the thread. I'm joined in conversation by those who can help us bring meaning and understanding to a world that often feels chaotic and overwhelming. My hope is that these conversations spark moments of resonance and plant tiny seas of awareness so that we might all collectively learn and grow. Listen and follow Pulling the Thread, an Odyssey Podcast on the Odyssey app, or wherever you get your podcasts. I want to follow up really quick.

How do you not go into your own mind or thinking alone? What is your strategies? Friendships. I have practices of healing and support that I lean towards therapy, some of which I keep sacred and private, some of those, you know, but I don't share them necessarily publicly. But friendship has been the biggest and the willingness to be completely transparent Friendship has been the biggest and the willingness to be completely transparent and to be able to Call people when I am on the floor

Whether it's metaphorically or physically on the floor, but when in my mind I have been Floored which happens often. I can't remember the the I think it's friendship The tools that tether me, this is actually something I got from you, tether me to what I like best about my life, which is the basic things. Yes. Like, my favorite part of my life is my life. I love all the stuff, but like, I really like my making my bed in the morning or doing laundry or making my food or taking the garbage out,

like just the basics that really tether me to my own humanity and my own sense of self and being able to show up and be of service and all of those things. I have so many different tools that keep me out of my, it's honestly like the, my mind is a wonderful place. It gets dangerous when I get connected to the really bad horror story that I have been stitching together since I was young, you know, and somehow if I get, if I fall

back into that group, it is so dangerous up there. And then everything's colored by the wrong information. Everything. It's like our minds are such, I mean, yours especially like magical creep things come out of it that are unbelievable, not of this world. And then when you're in charge of it. When you give it a job, yes. When it gives you a job, like, when you haven't directed it, no good. You know, is it when I haven't directed it,

that's an interesting distinction. I don't know. Sometimes I don't know what it is that starts it. Because sometimes it's not connected the way I think it is. It could be like two days ago, I was with somebody who started me being afraid about something. And then somehow that fear like starts to snowball. And then it starts reaching into other areas. Like once I start getting afraid,

you could just start with a little anxiety. And I think I've shared this with you. I'm one of these people that, I don't know how this happened, but I don't get scared of stuff until after. Yeah. Like I'm a girl that like jumps off a cliff, right? I'm like, oh my God, let's do it.

This is the scariest thing in the world. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get organized. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna girl that like jumps off a cliff, right? I'm like, oh my god, let's do it. This is the scariest thing in the world. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get organized. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna make this list. I'm gonna do my research. I'm gonna make sure I'm rehearsed. I'm gonna make sure I know what I'm wearing.

How I'm doing it? Who's gonna be there? What are you doing? I'm gonna be there. And then I go, and I jump off the cliff and I'm up there and I'm like, I'm flying. I'm flying off the cliff. I'm flying and it's so good.

It's everything I wanted it to be. This is the best cliff I've ever been. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then I land. And then I'm like, what? What did I just say?

Yeah. Who would do that? Why would you do that? Oh, my God, you're so dumb. This is actually evidence. Put that in the fire of unlovable ability. That shit is going to roar. We're going to make sure that we go back through

every single thing that you did with a fine tooth goma and we're gonna prove to you that you are exactly the most unlovable, stupid, humiliating person in the world. How could you ever, who are filled with shame, you are riddled with it? And then that's what happens on the next day, like it's out of control. It's like out of control.

Oh shit. Risk came over. Wow. Yeah, it's a risk hangover. And then what's crazy is like In that state someone could say oh my god that was so amazing They could say one thing and I can hear that they were covering they were telling me the part they liked But then it's my job to figure out all the things that I did wrong that they didn't like yes And and the truth is some of that is an ace in my deck, right? Because I'm not gonna make a mistake twice

I'll say that some of it's an ace in my deck, right? Because I'm not gonna make a mistake twice. I'll say that. Some of it's an ace in my deck, but when left unchecked without compassion and tenderness and kindness, and when I'm alone with it, he's in no when. Dental gentle gentle gentle. That's one of my favorites.

Like give it twice. And then I have another friend who always says to me Give yourself a thousand breaks and when those are done give yourself a thousand more Yeah, and I'm much better at that as I've gotten older one of the things I learned from payment children That was the most not that I know her From her from her books and the two but she's walking around going hi. I'm P Pima Shodran. I'm Tracy Ellis Ross's best friend. Best friend. Listen, it's exactly where I feel.

By the way, Glen and Abby, when people found out that they were like, wait, your friends with them? Oh. It was amazing. I was like, yeah, that's whether, yeah, your best friend. Yeah, that's whether they're,

what, you didn't, yeah, I don't, I don't talk about, you know, my, my, my, yeah, we're friends. So, um, but one of the things I learned from my dear friend, Pima, was if I can't take the information in, like there's times when it's not the time for me to look back. And I can wait until I can actually look back constructively and not in a way that's gonna create another wound.

It's good and more wound. And I'm learning as I've gotten older to be delivered about my aftercare. So like I had a plan the day after my birthday. What was it? It involves going somewhere where I could have proper support and be a part of a community that

supports me in that way. And I gave myself the day I left for Cabo the next day. So I had all day to look through and make sure I felt okay about it. I have to like see it back for myself to hold it in a way that it actually remains. And one of the things I do with my therapist is before something, we now ask the question, how do you want to feel after? And what do I need to put in place to support myself in the after? And I'm such an independent person. One of the things I really am not good at is I think I'm good and I need to better plan being not alone. Because I'm always I like to go places alone, but I need the the partnership in it. And so it's really interesting. you just gave us a to do list on how to support people

who have events or situations that might be a big deal and to work through how it was and also to take care of yourself post because going out of the house is a thing. It's a thing and it's more of a thing now post pandemic a lot of that stuff kicked back up for me. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Did you feel like the birthday would be so, would be vulnerable because so many people were there that you loved. How did you decide that you want to feel after it? One of the things my mom loves a celebration. She just, since my mom loves Christmas, so I'm a child that came from celebration, celebration for the birthday.

Like, birthdays were just, it was magic what my mom loves Christmas. So I'm a child that came from celebration, celebration for the birthday. Like, birthdays were just, it was magic, what my mom would do. She would draw on all the mirrors, there were balloons, so like you would look in the mirror, and it would say, mommy loves you, happy birthday. It was just the most glorious, like she just loves celebration. I am honestly, it's taking me a long time to realize, I'm not that person. I don't decorate for Christmas.

You gotta take it down. That's exactly right. It's exactly how I do it. It's the same reason I don't wear mascara. You gotta take it off. Yeah. Aftercare. It's like, no, thank you.

You know, like if I'm not doing it for work, you've got to be kidding me. So I celebrate in different ways. It's like different for me. So I made some conscious choices because it was 50 about what I wanted to do. Last year I had the most perfect birthday ever. It was six people at dinner, a restaurant.

I always go to, at one of the same things I ordered. And we were just talking, it was just a regular dinner. It's all it was, it was fantastic. This felt important for me. It is an honor to turn 50. There are people, particularly after what we went through with COVID, so many people lost their lives, people don't make it into this age, and I feel honored. Even the things that I'm really challenged by, like really challenged by, but I feel like thank you like Look where like this is evidence of my life and my history and my legacy and like my laughter and my things, you know

And so I really wanted to market with that and so I had to ask myself what would make it feel like a celebration for me Some of those things were, I wanted costume changes. Oh, God. Just wait, because we have so many things. Clothing, clothing really, it just dressing up is just, I don't know, people might think it's, I love it. When I am having a bad day,

one of my favorite things to do is go in the closet and play dress up. I woke up this morning, I bought a new sweater and I woke up this morning at 630 and I was like, ooh, I have the outfit. And I, in my glasses, my hair everywhere, stripped down and went in the closet and made the look with the new sweater. And literally looked in the mirror and was like, yeah, you got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. That's what I'm talking about. Tracey, I have no idea where I'm going to wear that outfit. I never leave the house. But I was like, that's what I'm talking about. That's Tracey. Ha! All right, now I'm a burst my teeth.

I need to ask a question about it, okay? And this might be totally, I'm just, you have said about fashion, it's not look at me, it's this is me. Yeah. This is me. Okay. I need you to explain to me what the hell that means. I understand like a chef can be like,

here is my heart and mind and soul on a plate. Tracy Ellis Rask can be like, here is my mind and my heart and my soul in a sweater. I'm amazed by it. Okay, so when I was young, I've always loved beautiful things. I used to trail after my mom and pick up the beads that fell off of her dress on stage

after the curtain went down. You could hear them crunching under our high heels and I would get those little 35 millimeter canister things and I would collect them and then I would separate them by color into the different beads. And so I've always loved the artistry of clothing. I saw a woman, my mother, used clothing and glamour as a way to transform herself into a different version of herself,

but still herself and a woman with agency. It was about her. It wasn't about pleasing someone else. It was sort of adorning herself with the, um, all of the bubbles that she felt were a version of this, this part of her life. And so that was always my relationship to clothing and glamour and sparkle. And then I started to use clothing as, um, armor. And now looking back, I can define, there were two ways that I fought racism without realizing that's what it was. But I came from a wealthy world and I was living on Fifth Avenue,

but I was still one of very few black people in many environments, in stores and different places. And I didn't know that what was coming at me sometimes was micro-ggression and micro-racism and all those kinds of things coming at me in these different ways. And so the way I presented myself was part of my armor.

I was going to play the role of somebody who couldn't be fucked with. And so I did it in grade school, high school, like I just, there was a way that, high school, like I just, there was a way that I would see, it was just, it was my armor. And then it sort of transformed itself and transmuted itself out of armor

and into a form of creative expression for me. And it's one of the ways I wear my insides on my outside. And so I dress in all different kinds of ways. And back to what you said when you described me at the beginning, like all these different parts of me that seem to match or don't match or whatever, like I let my clothing be that. So sometimes I want to feel really sexy. And then sometimes I don't want to feel sexy. So it just depends on like what I'm covering up and what I'm wanting to share and all of that.

And I worked in fashion and was a stylist for a while. So there's a language to clothing that I really speak. It's like sometimes I watch dancers and I think my God, the language of their bodies. Like they're literally speaking a language. And for me, style as opposed to fashion, but style, is an expression the same way, a loke defines beauty in a way that it's the imprint of your soul. And it's beauty is something that blossoms. And I feel for me clothing is a version of that. I really wish everyone would

adopt that understanding of beauty, by the way, it just blows my mind. I think it's wild that you just mentioned a look because that's what I was thinking of when you were talking to you. I, I, yeah. Your costume changes that night. I get what you're doing. I can see the language just speaking. I'm like, oh, there's the majesty that's inside of Tracy is now outside of Tracy. Oh, the sexiness that's inside of Tracy's outside. The like ancient spirit that is inside of Tracy was in that first costume. Yeah, that first outfit was genuinely like some futuristic like time. I don't know. Yeah.

Alien or roaming or yeah, I don't know if it's going backwards or forwards or upwards to heaven or downwards. Yeah. We're outside of time. And then the dream to wear one of my mother's dresses. There's the love tradition, honor of the lineage, the that outside of Tracy. Can I tell you a cute part of that. Please.

So I sent my mom a picture of a black version of that dress. And I was like, so where's this? Where's this? She was like, oh, we can go to the storage and we can find it. And then she said, but there's a red one. And I was a great, so the red one was even better. But so I went to my mom's house.

And I have spent much time in her quick change booth when I was younger learning how to get her in and out of a dress in three minutes. And there's a way you hold the waist, you butterfly a dress on the floor, so you step right to the floor and then the dress comes up because there's way like 30 pounds, those dresses. Oh my gosh.

Yeah, so you hold my mom's waist, so she's steady as she reaches down to pull the dress up. And then you switch once she's got it up enough, you switch and her arms go in and then you can zip up, right? And so I've done that many a time and all through the years. And so this time I went to her house and there I was, totally naked with my mom holding my waist. And I said, mom, I'm so sorry, because I took my underwear off. I'm like, I'm so sorry, mom. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I went to her house and there I was, totally naked, with my mom holding my waist. And I said, mom, I'm so sorry, because I took my underwear off. I'm like, I'm so sorry, mom. And she was like, I know that thing. And I was like, I know what you haven't seen in a long time. You know what I mean? It's like, get a little bit out of your reach now, you know?

And I made that thing. I know. And as I always say, which really drives her crazy, I'm like, I know I came out of your vagina. I'm always making her crazy. I'm like, I know I came out of your vagina. I'm always makes her crazy. She's like, so inappropriate. So she's there. I'm naked and she's zipping me into her dress

and then taking the pictures of me. And it was really moving for me, very. Because so much of my life, Diana Ross aside, but I saw my mother, I saw this incredible woman in a sparkly dress on a stage. And what it meant to me about being a woman in charge of your life, the example, a woman that was saying, this is me, not look at me, a woman that was in her full glory and freedom

with her arms up, her heart open, in her sensuality and sexuality. And so it was a lighthouse that I've been walking towards. So then at my 50th birthday, to actually be in one of those dresses and to strangely out of nowhere, grab the microphone. And unrehearsed sing her song, it's my turn, and change that line to 50, I'm 50, and I'm free.

That was just kind of magical. And in the cauldron of my loved ones. I mean, and also the same beads that you were picking up as a child. Everybody was jaws open just like how are we witnessing this? Yeah, it was it was a really unplanned and unbelievably special moment. It was so interesting because after my birthday, which is what I'm in now, it feels like I had a new year's eve. You know, and I'm on the other side. And I'm the dust has settled from

blackish. And I was tethered to that for so many years where everything was around it. I'm also going through Perry, Menopause. So I have for my entire life been tethered to a very routine cycle. And I'm very connected to my body. So I would know I'm ovulating them. You know, I would have all the feelings of knowing that and all of that is out the window. And I turned 50. And here I am in this open space now sort of allowing the bubbling up of whatever might be here because I'm really specific about my life. And I'm somebody who

doesn't just go where the tide is taking me. I really, I manifest quickly so I language deliberately because otherwise I go places I didn't mean to go and so it's a really interesting and open special moment. I know. You're so fucking cool. So see if you want to say something. So I want to say so many things. Say things. Are you crying? Is anyone not crying?

That's the first. Sister, cried. That doesn't happen in our family, Tracy. I'm just sitting kind of in awe of the life that you have built with such intention and how utterly uncompromising you've been in terms of being yourself and like all of the passions and agency and choices that that means, what do you attribute that to? Like what do you attribute your kind of ability? Well, what you does is Tracy doesn't abandon herself.

Yeah. Well, you know, it's interesting. I've really learned how to do that because I think that I have abandoned myself way too many times. Way too many times. But each time in the aftermath of the hurt, I do ask myself the question of how do I not end up here again? And what I have discovered is I will end up here again. Oh, God, it's true.

Damn it. Why don't we just learn in those same lessons over and over? I just think that's it though. It's funny. I just, I have been nursing another just deep disappointment. And my little inner child was she was just crying, just crying so hard. And for the first time, I was able to sit with her.

And I was like, here's the thing my love. I'm not going anywhere. Oh, I'm not going anywhere. I don't know. I don't know how to be anybody else. I just don't. But what I know how to do is to be me and to just hold that space with as much compassion and curiosity and gentleness as possible and to find all the things, even if it's a bag of freaking funnions. Like, what is it? What is it that we need today?

To just try and hold that space of love? I think that's the thing we're sold that's wrong. I don't know that life is supposed to be a thing that just feels good all the time. But how can we hold the spaces and the days and the periods when it just doesn't feel good? And I just feel so unlovable. And like how can I have the hurt without deciding it means I'm unlovable? How do you not give meaning to it? And that's where the work is, like in that little space, right? Because I tell you, I mean, this is, I'm on the floor half the time.

I'm one of your questions. What was the question? Like how often do you feel bad? What is, I saw that. Oh yeah, how often are you down? Oh, lots. Lots of times, like three last year. Anything.

Three last year. I like doing yep. Do you mean like, what? I don't remember last year. I am bogged down by this year. Thank you. I'm bogged down by this week. And the thing that's crazy to me is like,

you're just sailing along. It's like a good one. I'm like feeling good down by this week. And the thing that's crazy to me is, you're just sailing along. It's like a good one. I'm feeling good. You got your sweater. And then like, and like, waiters, I'm like, oh, I did not know I was going to get side-swiped by that. And why am I two days later still in a hangover?

Why is it a week later? And also, I've learned that two things can be true at the same time. I can be really productive in doing really well and also like heartbroken. Yeah. Something you just said, I don't know how to be anything but me. To me, that is so incredible because I know how to be anything. Like I almost anything but to me. Right. And so there is an equal amount of pain and loneliness in being able to be everything other than you. Yes. And so like that thing, how did you get to the place where you could A AB you and identify it?

Like this is Tracy. I can see it. I can smell it. I can put it in a sweater. And then how did you get to the place where you just couldn't be anything other than that? Well, I actually think that's the question is actually how the entrance into it was making friends with the loneliness and the hurt that comes on either side. Because I was other than me forever.

And I still have days where I'm like, what the fuck did I just say that? I don't, I didn't believe what it was. Who was that first? that was so weird? Like, what did I do? That's like, you get home and you're like, we got that person thing, so I'm a person who does. I don't do that. Yeah.

No worries, I'll just move. Like, yeah, that's what I think every time a bug comes in my house. Well, good for you. Time this is your lovely new home. Thank you. My hair. Um, also, you know This is your lovely new home. Thank you. My, also, you know, I don't have kids. I don't have, I haven't had a partner.

So I have been forced to go like, well, I don't know, what do I want then? There's so many things I don't do because there's only so many things you can do alone. And I do a lot of the things alone that most people are like, I can't believe you do that alone. I go on vacation alone,

I go to dinner alone on a Friday night, at seven or eight o'clock. You don't even be like, I do all those things, but there's certain things I'm like, I'm not gonna do alone, I'm just not. And so, I've been forced to kind of figure out that going in my closet and making an outfit

like really makes me happy. You know what I mean? Like I get jazzed up and I'm like, that was good. Now I'm gonna go watch the crown. Get that? Yeah. Woohoo!

This day was good. You know, I'm gonna eat a whole jar of olives. All by myself. Even though my sister said I smell like olives. My spot. I like olives. I'm gonna eat the whole jar. I'm like, now I just, I literally, people,

put a bag, you know, open a bag of potato chips. I take a jar of olives and I pour the liquid out and like dump it into a bowl and I eat the bowl of it's like heaven. It's heaven to me, but so I think it's more the other thing because I think we all suffer with am I this or am I that, but like how do we tend to, how do we hold really lovingly and gently the aftermath that comes up? The shame, all those things that you should be doing something different, living a different way, should have done it differently, said it differently, or whatever. How do you hold that part of you? Because that's the thing I think that holds us back from actually having a life that we

want to live. But I struggle with all, I mean, I'm just bumbling along over here. Don't compare it in size to other people's outside. You don't need to. It always looks like it's easier over there. But it's also losing somebody hurts and then the losing yourself hurts more. Yeah.

Yeah. I love you, but I love you more. Yeah. And that's a really hard one that doesn't work every day. Yeah. It doesn't work you more. Yeah. You know, and that's a really hard one. That doesn't work every day. Yeah. It doesn't work every day. Yeah. I mean, I love you, but I love you more.

So fuck it. You know how to say today, you win, buddy. Right. Today, I have thrown me out the window with your friend. You know, I got this. I'm going out. Yeah. And tomorrow, I will, I will deal with the aftermath.

That's right. We will call tomorrow I will deal with the aftermath. That's right. We will call the therapist and the squad of friends. And we will try and put me back together, because I obviously threw me out into a whole bunch of pieces. I also used to be a person I swear to God, I would run the things by everybody, like go to, like, put $20 on the gas tank number 12.

And let me ask you a question. So there was this guy that said, and so he called and I called, should I do I call him back? I don't, I mean, I just, I know, oh yes, on 12, number 12, the gas. But do you have any experience with this? Because you're objective and I know you don't know me,

so I just wanna run this my you. Is there anything you could tell me about your choice when it comes to the calling and back I went two days like you don't know. I do I do. I tried to go. I'm gonna try everybody. You know what I mean? Or the my life is mind speech like that was all my favorite line in that was I asked my ex boyfriend Like tell tell us get out of here, Tracy. Like, come on.

You have not been with this person and how long? What you doing, girl? I know. You don't need his permission, but it still comes up. For the six people who haven't listened to that glimmer speech, it was the realization that Tracy came to after she found herself doing over the need to tell her very ex boyfriend that she was interested in seeing other people. If you're listening, you couldn't see.

I rolled my eyes so hard that I thought they might get stuck behind my head at the thought of myself doing that. This is the thing. I have a friend who also says, you know, we know better, we don't always do better. That's amen. Sometimes we know we're not doing better and we choose it anyway. And we choose it anyway.

That's right. And so what? And that's the same person who says, hey, babe, why don't you give yourself a 1000 breaks? And then I have that friend's number also. You do. Exactly. She's come on the podcast. She's my actual best friend.

Because it's crazy. Like you just, yeah, you don't know. She always says to me, it's not always what you're doing. It's the questions you're asking. She says the right questions, you know. You know what's interesting to me is while you're talking and you're talking about how you talk to yourself. And I know how you've talked to other people in real life. And I was thinking about how you've mentioned twice that, well, I don't have kids, but

and I was thinking that the people, I have three people in my life who I consider to be the best mother, like, you know what I'm gonna say right now? Yeah. Who just have the most pristine mothering energy, and it's you, and these are the people in my life, you, Liz Gilbert, and Alex Edison, and what's, what, do they all three have in common? They don't fucking have kids.

Yeah. Yeah. And they're all very people. They're the, oh, they're also all gorgeous. Yeah. They're the best mothers that I know. I will say, I say this to people all the time, I'm a wonderful mother.

Wonderful. And I'm very mothering. And, and it's been hard for me to claim that. Mm-hmm. You know, world where I don't have the thing that says, I mean, what was I just writing as I'm trying to, let me see how that. I can feel my body's abilities, this was journal entry from like three or four days ago.

I can feel my body's ability to make a child dreaming out of me. Sometimes I find it hilarious, and as if there's a fire sale going on in my uterus, and someone's in there screaming, all things must go. And then I look down and blah, blah, blah, skip that. And then this is what's interesting to me. As my body becomes a foreign place to me that doesn't really feel safe or like home, and I don't know how to manage or control or fight the external binary narrative of the patriarchy that has hunted me and haunted me most of my adult life. Is it my fertility that is leaving me?

Is it my womanhood or is it really neither? But I have to fight to hold my truth because I have been programmed so successfully by the water we all swim in, by the water we all are served. And I feel fertile with creativity full of power, more and more, a woman that I've ever been. And yet, that power that I was told I must use was not used. A power, um, yeah, I mean, just trying to figure out sort of what that means. Like, because my ability to have a child is leaving me, but like, I don't agree that that's what fertile means. I don't agree that that's what woman means. Which is why the freedom that the expansion around gender has offered me.

And the knowledge that is being shared with us by the trans community is like, oh my god, thank you. Thank you for finally unpacking something that like I had no ability to unpack because of what was handed to me in a culture that like thought of it in such a limited way. And so trying to make sense of that at this age with my own limited point of view is really fun, honestly.

Thank you for sharing that. Yeah, I'm a scorchess. And what if that idea of fertility from so young, if it was handed to us and saying, what are you gonna do with this fertility that you have? And one minute aspect of that might be that you choose to reproduce. That's why your fertility is this big.

And then we would realize God, how many generations and generations of shallow ground because we were never presented with our own creative, forward thinking, beautiful fertility. And then all the women who just have kids, who everyone looks at them and says, well, you should be freaking happy. You did the thing. You did the one fertile thing.

And no, they maybe had a wide vast of what their fertility could have birthed into the world. Now, it's it really it's heartbreaking. It's a heartbreaking thought. It's heartbreaking. And I'm grateful to be able to look at it with curiosity instead of heartbreak. And the heartbreak does come up.

And I get to hold that gently and lovingly and then say, remind myself, like, I woke up every morning of my life and I've tried to do my best. So I must be where I'm supposed to be. Well, thank you for speaking up to on behalf of the trans community. I've never thought of it that way. And being a person who won't have my own biological children, you just kind of gave me a little bit of a roadmap of work I need to do and I just I'm really grateful for all that you just said that was unreal. She's something this one. She's something so hard for me to take any of that in, but it is an unbelievable injustice that is laid on all of us as human beings.

That there is one pathway that is informed by this random construct that somebody came up with around gender. When I pull back from it, I'm like, that's like a joke, who did that? You know, I'm just like, who, who did that? That's not, that's so silly. You've just limited so much, so much life. You've limited so much life.

And so much. It's almost like that was the point. Yes. Yeah, it's almost like that was the point, you know? Really, like it's like terrifying when you think about it. You're just like, oh my gosh. So yeah, I ponder these things a lot and then every once in a while I hear something

and I'm just like, right, like why did I, why, why did I, and then I have to forgive, we all have to forgive ourselves because we come by it honestly. It's what we've been served, it's what we've been given. And the courage of those that give us a different roadmap that shares something that opens up and unlocks a space that we had locked down unconsciously is always such a gift.

When you're Sister Ronda, who I love so much, when she gave the toast. You know, she's the wise one, by the way. Like, I'm chopped, like, I'm chopped liver in my family. Like, my siblings are like the shiznasal. My siblings, just like, they're just magical. They take care of me, you know what I mean? They love you. The love you all have with each other is just, the love is so palpable.

Yeah, that was one of my favorite things about the night. It's just watching your siblings watch you when, anyway, glowing, all glowing. Okay. I forgot what I was going to say. Ronda. Ronda. Okay. And then she said, she quoted you back to you when she said my life is mine.

And then you sang a song that was your mom's song. And then as you said in the beginning, you were saying, I'm 50 and free. I'm 50 and free. What are you free from when you were saying that, what were you thinking? And maybe freeing from like maybe we're never free for anything. But yeah, I don't, I don't free for anything, but I don't know that I'll ever be free for these things. I've actually read little things I wrote when I was like 15 and 12 and I'm like, wow, I'm chomping on this stuff forever.

Almost done. Almost done. In another 15 years, you're going to have it nailed. I am going to have this stuff nailed. I'm telling you, it's not even possible. it nailed. I am gonna have this stuff nailed. I'm telling you. It's not a costume. Think of costumes. I remember this moment, I was crying so hard to this particular friend.

And I was like, I just don't think, I just don't think, I just am not right. People have just not lovable, I just am not right. Like, it's just that people have just not lovable. Like, I do it all wrong. And then it's like, oh, hold on, hold on. You know, maybe you're just not everyone's cup of tea. And I was like, but I want to be everybody's thing. I was like, I want everybody to just like, I want to be everybody's going to be, like, it's like,

people maybe you're not. And I was like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm okay. And she's like, what do're not. And I was like, I'm like, I'm like, not okay. Um, and she said, what do you do this? Why don't you make a list of all of the things that you like about yourself? And I was like, that's just crazy. Um, and I made this list. And I realized that so many of the things that I like about myself are the things that I do think are difficult for people, but they're the things that I like about myself or the things that I do think are difficult for people. But they're the things that I like about myself.

That I'm not afraid to say when I don't think something feels right. That I'm not afraid to say when something doesn't feel right for me, no matter how far and deeply into that thing I am, that I have a really loud laugh, like a lot of these different things, right? That make me maybe not everyone's cup of tea. And that like totally changed my relationship to those aspects of me that I think I was trying to hide in order to be chosen to be lovable and blah, blah, blah. So I don't know that my discomfort with not being everyone's cup of tea or the

comfort with not being everyone's cup of tea or the unloved ability and self-loathing that comes up, I don't know that those are ever going to go away. I think that what I am free from or that I have a different relationship to them. And the same way you say we can do hard things, which I use all the time and is just such a good guiding force. Like I can do hard things, I can also be uncomfortable, I can also be comfortable when I'm uncomfortable. I can also be happy even if I don't like how everything's myself. And I know myself really well. And it's taken a lot of time to have the courage to actually live my life as that person. But I have a lot of experience chewing on ground glass and sort of not really, and sort of sitting

with the discomfort of, I might have ruined that thing. My big fear was, am I going to ruin the course of my destiny if I make the wrong choice. And my spiritual awakening in life has been, I'm okay. You can't ruin it, babe. Mm-hmm. You okay? That's it. There was no burning bush.

It was just, you're okay. And sometimes enough is enough. And after make it better, it's just fine. It's just fine. You're fine, sweetie. Fine. You don't have everything you want. It's fine.

I love your laugh. My laugh. Think about how we can have to Fine. You don't have everything you want. It's fine. I love your laugh. My laugh. Think about how weak you have to be. I don't want for to be everyone's cup of tea. You'd have to be the weakest as tea. You'd have to be the weakest as tea. If you water, no, you'd have to be water. And you can't even be water.

No, you're going to be like lukewarm. And by the way, people start like water. That's right. Some people hate water. It's not possible. No, it's not possible. And the more flavorful you are, the narrow your tea audience might be. Yeah, it might be nearer to your audience. Yeah, you know, I do think that your audience is pretty jam-wide,

though, Tracee L. So I don't know. I think I bug the hell out of a lot of people. I think they're the right ones. I think they're the right ones. Okay, baby. They're different culture than we are going to let you go because we could talk forever. But how long have we been tired? Is this been like seven hours? It's been an hour. It's been an hour. It's been one of my favorite hours of this entire show.

Seriously. And once again, you have shown up with all of your power and vulnerability and somehow they're the exact same thing. And once again, I just, I just really love you. Yeah. I feel the same way. I just want to say to the three of you is that I, I'm so grateful. I'm grateful to Amanda to know you, but to also have the honor of being a cauldron sister with you.

And to live in a world where we can have conversations that are this gentle and real and quiet and loud and that you have these conversations with lots of people, like what a blessing. And you have them publicly and then you also have them privately. Yeah. That's a really special thing that I don't think exists everywhere. It's a special thing that you're bringing it into the world, and I'm happy to be a part of it. That's why we give you Tracy Ellis Ross. I'm not gonna promise that it's ever gonna get better than that Realist okay Every other episode a no

Hell from here And when life gets hard this week, you're gonna remind yourself. It's okay sweetie. It's okay. It's okay Jenny gentle gentle. I'm right here right here. It's okay. It's okay, sweetie. It's okay, sweetie. Gentle, gentle. I'm right here. Right here, not going anywhere. Bye. Bye. I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlisle.

I walked through a fire I came out. The other side I chased, desire, I made sure I got once my aid And I continued to believe that I'm the one for me And because I mine, I walk the line Cause we're adventurers in heartbreak There are adventurous and hard breaks on map A final destination that They've stopped asking directions

Some places they've never been To be loved we need to be known We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain That our lives bring We can do our thing I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new star. I'm not the problem sometimes things fall apart And I continue to believe The best people are free

And it took some time, but I'm finally fine Cause we're adventurous and heartbreak So man, a final destination with that We stopped asking directions So places they've never been We stopped asking directions So places they've never been And to be loved we need to be known We'll finally find our way back home

And through the joy and pain That our life is free Through the joy and pain that our lives bring We can do a heartache This world finished her rose and heart breaks on mine. We might get lost but we're only in that. Stop that skiing directions. Stop asking directions Some places may have never been And to be loved we need to be long We'll finally find our way back home Through the joy and pain That our lives bring

We can do hard things Yeah, we can do hard things Yeah, we can do hard things, is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts, especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't, don't worry about it. It's fine.