We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 270. The Unexpected Way Amanda Built Community

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

Amanda shares the profound impact that being open to giving and receiving help has had recently in her life. Glennon discusses why parenting teenagers can be isolating.  How the act of asking for help goes beyond vulnerability—it's a gateway to deeper connection with others.  Why our worthiness isn't tied to independence—but rather to our ability to build a web of support; and  The beauty that comes when we celebrate and acknowledge the interconnected world around us. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pod Squad, there's something we need to ask you to do today that would mean so much to us. And that is take 30 seconds to make sure you're following this show. This weird thing happened with Apple updates and it's kicked a lot of people out of the pod squad. They've been paused. And so we need you to make sure you're not paused. I was, I mean, I was paused out of my own pod squad. I know you are.

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to your favorite episode or to the show. We love you. We appreciate you so much. Paws. Thank you. Paws. Paws. Unpaws us. Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things. Oh, wait, hold on. I'm going to do it like let it. Welcome back to what we can do hard things. Do I? She thinks that I whisper. This is the biggest. A lot of people's fights I hear in relationships

are about money and sex probably. Those are actually some of our fights too. But what I would say the number one conflict in our marriages is volume. Volume. Volume. Just is she too loud or am I too soft? Yes. That's the question of the sense answer.

Yes. I was an outsider. I will tell you that sister you'll love this. So I for 100% think that Abby's just extraordinarily loud Excessively loud like megaphone loud. She thinks that I'm too quiet and I'm doing it on purpose to drive her nuts The other day polarization and relationship. Yes. Yes day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day.

The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day.

The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. The other day. And so we don't have people over very often. So it's like a big deal for us. So we're all sitting on the couch, TIG and Stephanie, me and Abby, and we're like, you know, talking, telling stories. And I'm talking and I can see that TIG, TIG just keeps like leaning forward more and more. And she is leaning so close to me,

like she's just leaning and I'm like, oh my God, I am, I am, she's so intimidating. I'm'm like oh my god I am I am she's so I'm captivated to take the car to take Nitaro I thought it was a good story but I was like wow like I cannot wait to talk to Abby about how engaged Tiggas and then finally she's she gets like so close to me and interrupts my story and she goes, excuse me. Why are you whispering? I was like, you're like validation that I needed. That's right. Y'all, I looked at Abby.

I was so, I was like, that's it. It's over for me. Like that in that boutique, Natharo has decided that I, it is, it is my fault. Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things, everybody! How are you, too? Let's check in. I'm great.

But like, really, how are you? Today. I got my morning routine done. Dusted. Okay, done and dusted. My favorite. It's for us. Pad Squadders, there's important things for you to know about Abby. One of which is that at least seven times a day she uses the phrase done and dusted. Yes. And I think that if she can't

find the appropriate context, like that was perfect context, she'll just do it anyway. It's like a rule she has for life and she has to say done and tested five times. Also, sweat into the oldies. She says sweat into the oldies, at least five times a day. If she walk up the stairs, she goes, I'm sweating to the oldies.

It has to be done. It has to be done. I say weird stuff for sure. How are you today, this day, at this moment? I'm good. I'm good. I was thinking this morning for sure. How are you today, this day, this moment? I'm good. I'm good. I was thinking this morning about raising teenagers and about how interesting it's been lately. It's been so interesting. We're just going to keep saying interesting. And what I want to say is that it is different than raising young children in that when you're raising little kids, it can be unisolating because you can talk about it so much because they aren't like real people.

There's nothing personal about a toddler. They're just, well, the ventiagram of your life and their life is like one complete ventiagram. It's not the bed. Yeah. Right. And now I feel like raising teenagers, you need more community or like talking or ideas or brainstorming with other parents,

but you can't have it. Because there would be too much of a breach of the trust of your children. To talk about. Yeah, that's right. It is. So anyway, you've done a beautiful job. I feel like you're killing it. Thank you, babe.

It's so, it's so like weighted. You've lost all control, but you're still trying to guide. But I don't know, it is. It is. I hate dudes, even. I've been really trying to learn from you because the truth is, is teenage kids have been more triggering to me than I anticipated.

Yes, yes. And when something happens and it's upsetting to me, I look at you and you look fine. You look fine. And I'm like, wow, like even yesterday, I had an epiphany and I texted you, I have an epiphany. And I, especially with like teenage girls, trying to like detox from the patriarchy

is so difficult for me personally for a lot of reasons, but sending our kids out into the world, our daughters, I just feel astonished with how triggered I feel. She with them becoming individual young adult women. You know how Abby's like was in a different life. She was from Yonder Yor, from the medieval time, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, for sure.

I feel like she's a little bit like that. She turns into her medieval self and she's like a king on the castle saying, that will not come near that daughter. Like she turns into this. It's really interesting. I feel super protective of the girls and that's at the bottom of it. Like I love them so much. And because I went through life as a young woman in this world, I feel like almost extra protective of them

and I don't need to be that way. Because this is my problem. They're fine. They really are fine. They're completely fine. They're responsible. But like I fine. They're completely fine. They're responsible. But like, I'm just like every little thing. I'm like, oh, what's happening?

Are they, she's trying to pull one over on me. She's lying. No, they're just being teenage girls. And it has been the hardest like letting go of, or surrender. I'm still not quite there yet. You've just been so solid. I keep looking at you. I'm like, I want to feel that solid. You just can't hear me. I'm whispering.

So that's it. We wish we could talk more about it. You know, I really do. I wish I could talk to the podcast about it I think about that all the time actually, but I what I do want to say the podcast is I send you love and solidarity if you two are in this interesting teenage time where I think Here's what I think I think it has more to do with dealing with your own shit than anything else because it's so true that you can't control anything anyway.

You're not really deciding much or strategizing much although I would like the pod squad to tell me, what is your kid's curfew? I wanna know this. Just tell me, just say for example, you had a 15 year old girl and let's say for example, you had an 18 year old. How old is she?

17 year old. I just want you to tell me what their curfews are. Okay. So see, how are you? You were going to tell us something about the weekend. I know I wanted to share a story about the weekend because I had a really cool experience that I wanted to share with you in the pod squad. And it's gotten me thinking like, oh, we can long. And I'm curious what you all think about this. So do you remember Glenn and my friend from the law firm, Christine? Yeah, I do. I've heard from her for a long time. Yeah. Yeah. Christine was my law firm colleague and she became a dear friend through that. And we've stayed and touched some since the decade since I left the firm, but we don't see each other really because life.

And Christine is married to Chris. So that's cute, right? Because they're a Christian. Christine Chris. That's fine. But they have been together forever. And a year ago, something really terrifying happened to Chris, where they realized that he had a congenital heart defect, and he had a huge aneurysm in his heart.

And it required this very complex massive surgery. And they are both, like, as type A plus type people, as you can imagine, both yell grads lawyers, they do not ask for help. They're like, we will solve all the problems ourselves. And they just like have everything walk down on their own. But when this happened a year ago, But when this happened a year ago, it was just so overwhelming to them and really scary and complicated. And so Christine, at that point, she had to like be in another state with Chris during the surgery and they have two kids at home. And she wrote to me and was like, this is what I need from you during this time, more and more. She didn't say it like that. She was like, this is what's happening. Would you be willing to help and she gave me concrete things to do to help. And then now it's been a year since the surgery happened and they hosted a dinner this weekend.

There were six couples at the dinner and them and they called it eat your heart out. Oh, because of the heart. I got it. Yes. I love a play on words. Great. Great. Yeah. But so at the top of the dinner, they both stood up and they said that the night was inspired by our episode with Priya Parker, the how to host a magical gathering. This is 256 if you haven't listened, just listen to it. But it was so beautiful because they said the purpose of the night was not to celebrate Chris and his recovery, but it was to celebrate the people that had gotten them through that scariest time of their lives.

They talked about how hard it was for them to ask for help. And they used the word safety. They said the help that we received from this group gave us the safety that we needed to do what we needed to do. And it was just such a really special space to be in and knowing how they normally operate in their lives. It was really special to hear them talk about how much it changed their lives to know that that help and safety existed. If they open themselves up to it, Christine said, you know, we just want everyone in this room to know that if you are ever in a position where you need help that we will be there for you. And we also

know from this experience that if you open yourself up to receiving help that your people will show up and make things okay. Wow. And the just intentionality of like hosting an event for that purpose was really, really special. And then it just got me thinking that in a much bigger way, like being in that room was a really magical time. And I realized that not only would I have missed out on reconnecting with Christine, but I also would never be in that space literally if she hadn't reached out for help. It just suddenly felt like this new frame on that where being open to help is one of the most generous

things you can do because it just gives all of these gifts that you wouldn't have if people were not able to like step into that connection. I don't know, it has me thinking all about a lot of things. That's good. Like in your own life. Like, yeah, we just think of it as such a burden. In our culture, it feels like a burden to ask someone else for help, or a failure or weakness.

And you're seeing it as the opposite in that context. Yeah, I've been thinking since that event that some of the most sacred moments of my life were actually a direct result of people being open to, quote unquote, help. It has me thinking a lot about Wendy. So this is my dear friend Wendy who died in October and the year between her diagnosis and when she passed, despite how precious she knew every single moment was during that time, she just opened her life up to us to step in and walk her through it. And I remember at that time,

and throughout the whole thing being like, I would never be like this. I would be like, pull up the gate. It is just me and a couple of people in here, and we are that I would feel like people were like, even in helping me, like, extracting or like taking my time, even if I needed that.

Like the scarcer, the time, the less you'd be likely to share it. Right, right. And she, I don't know if it's because she actually needed, like, needed the transport to the places or, but it was like that generosity of being allowed into her life in that time resulted in some of the most profound peace and wisdom and connection that I have found. Being able to like quote-unquote help in that time. being able to like quote unquote, help in that time.

So it doesn't feel like help is even the right word when people invite you in because it just seems wildly inaccurate because her allowing us to be in those sacred moments with her allowed us to experience like gifts and wisdom that aren't possible to find in other places. Wow. Sacred show-ups.

Yeah, it's like, you know I like that. It's the wrong word. It's like we're thinking we're asking for help, but is it like inviting, if you have a moment where you're suddenly aware of your need for connection? And you decide to invite a few people into connect.

What is that? It's not asking for help. It's like some sacred invitation. And that's what you experienced is the sacred invitation of that. Tell us about it. It doesn't feel like it's like, oh, it's doing the right thing. Like, oh, someone needs help. So you like sign up to give the food. And it's like, check, I, a good person would do that. It doesn't feel like that. It feels like it was like stepping into a reality and a wisdom that you don't usually have access to in the regular street level daily life. And I feel like whenever anyone really needs help and you're able to be invited into that, it is like you're not street level anymore.

It's like you're tapping into a higher reality of we're all actually connected to each other. We're just on the other plane, we're acting like we're not. But when you're able to like accept help or provide help, then whoever's being helped or whoever's the help or doesn't matter anymore, it's like you're just tapping into a bigger reality that like we are actually all connected and you have like the privilege of living on the higher plane there. It's like a new dimension where you're disconnected from that on the lower plane. Yeah, that's good. It's another dimension. It's it feels like another dimension and it feels like it's like the,

the safety piece goes both ways. It's not just like the person that's quote unquote being helped that feels safer. I feel safer. Having been able to operate momentarily on those planes, because I am tapped in to that bigger life. [♪ Music playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, Anderson Cooper is back with season two of his podcast,

All There Is. I'll sit down with President Biden in the White House for a conversation about the losses in his life and how he lives with them. I don't anybody who welcomes grief, but you gotta confront it. All There Is with Anderson Cooper is about how we can live on with loss and with love. I mean this in the bottom of my heart, my word is a Biden. They're always going to be with you. Listen to All There Is with Anderson Cooper, wherever word is a Biden. They're always going to be with you. Listen to all there is with Anderson Cooper,

wherever you get your podcasts. Do you think that this is one of the reasons why people who go through tragedy, although it's horrific and requires all of them and that afterwards they often feel a sense of loss or purposelessness, it was horrific, but it was another dimension that after it's over there back into the normal world and they're not in that after it's over there back into the normal world and they're not in that beautiful, give and take close to the essence of what life and love are. That's like you live your whole life without glasses on

and then all of a sudden you get a pair of glasses and you can finally see what it is, what it's all about. And then you go back into your real life and somebody rips the glasses off and you can't see. Yeah, I mean, I have a friend whose mom passed and it was a horrible time, but after her mom passed, she said, at least I woke up every day of the last two years knowing exactly where I should be, knowing exactly what I should be doing. I knew exactly what the most important thing was and where I was, you know, the most divine place that I could be every day.

And now I'm just like, what the fuck do I do? I don't have that sense of purpose and connection, I guess. Yeah, I get that. That probably makes sense because if you're in like the middle of those crisis, it's like a total immersion program of, you know, I'm operating on this plane of life, the rest of the world that's lucky enough to just be doing daily life,

isn't operating on, and they're lucky, right? Cause they're not going through a crisis or they're not on their knees needing help or walking someone through who's on their knees needing help, it's like, they're the unlucky ones, but they get to operate on this plane where there is that clarity. And there is what I think is like

what is actually true all the time. Yeah, the veil is lifted. It's like that thin places idea that there are thin places where the veil is lifted between like this dimension and the one beyond and then you live in the other one. What was the dinner like? We just like all sat around and told stories and they talked about the experience and it was like funny and silly. I was sitting my Chris and Chris there was a woman there

Leslie that I had never met before and he said that she told him that she felt the closest she had to God when she was driving his kids around during that scary week. Oh my God. And that was such a like wild thing to hear, but it makes sense, right? If this higher plane is this idea of like, we are operating in a time where we're aware that we're connected, we're aware that we can step in for each other, we're aware that other people will step in for us, we're aware that the force of us doing anything

on our own is like blown up. Then that seems like it's like a very direct connection to whatever is happening between us and God. Yeah, right. It's probably what Jesus was getting out with all the kingdom of heaven is like, if he was doing it, but the kingdom of heaven is like you're driving your colleagues car around, you're driving your colleagues kids around because they have heart disease. Like the kingdom of heaven is like you're driving your colleagues car around, you're driving your colleagues kids around because they have heart disease. Like the kingdom of heaven is like you're sitting around Wendy's bed. It's like glimpses, glimpses, glimpses. It's just like a portal of that.

And it made me think a lot about my discomfort and unwillingness to ask for or accept help and how it's kind of like a humble brag that people do like, I don't ask for help, I don't ask for it, I'm not into that. But it really like in really stark contrast walking through Wendy, like my life would have been smaller and sadder and scarier. Head Wendy not invited me into her life. So does that not mean that my not getting over my discomfort with asking for or accepting help is not only making my life smaller but making the life smaller of people around me. Yeah. Yeah. It's selfish.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not created. It's not building that thing that you're talking about, that magic. It's really interesting to consider just changing the language around it in your own head. Like instead of saying, I'm asking for help, like I'm inviting these people in.

I'm inviting these people in. I'm inviting these people in. I mean, as you're talking, I'm thinking about, you know, Brandy is mentoring Tish, just they're like incredible creative partners right now, it's unbelievable. And in the very beginning, Brandy would be like,

let's send your music to this person or that person or let's call this person to ask for advice. And Brandi would be like, let's send your music to this person or that person, or let's call this person and ask for advice. And Tish would be like, wait, she would feel scared, because she would feel like, why would I be asking this person for help? It feels so audacious. And Brandi just said, oh no, no, asking for help, asking for advice.

That's how you build your team. That's how you build your team. That's how you build your people. And that was so very weird. And now I'm watching her and all the people who are surrounding her and they're all the people in the very beginning who brandy, tissue are reaching out. And brandy explained,

this is how people feel invested in you. This is how you create the people who will be your people in 20 years. I would think of it as the people you do favors for or something. That's how you know it's building heaven on her. It's so yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's counterintuitive. There's so many reasons why we don't ask for it, right? Like we're putting people out, but we put people out all the time. Like that's not the real reason I don't think. I don't think the being of being a burden is the real reason. I think the real A, what if we like call for help out into the world and no one shows up? And B, if we do call out for help and

someone does show up, for help and someone does show up, then we are putting ourself in the hands of other people like literally, figuratively, spiritually, whatever it is where you're like, I don't have it in me to do this. And I have to trust you to do whether it's a minute-school thing like dropping off food at the house or a much bigger thing. That is a very... It's vulnerable. It's a scary leap to be like out of control. It is.

But it's also a self-fulfilling prophecy to end up alone with no help or the people around you if you never ask for it. That's right. I know that I'm talking very like esoterically about this, like theoretically, but it is a practical world changing on the ground thing. Like when you're entering that higher plane and you know that help is what's required, it actually on the lower plane builds things out with Wendy She wanted to plan her service and so it was like who is the person gonna be who can who can do this right? And so my friend Becca from college is really an amazing Perfect human for that.

And I had to call her and be like, help us. And it felt like a giant burden. She's got her own church. She's got her own everything. And she didn't know Wendy. And now she would say that that was one of the best things to happen to her and her life, the fact that she got to know her for those five months to be with her and she's now incredibly woven into our community here.

That her like quote unquote giving us huge help has made her life so much bigger. And now Becca and I are so much more connected than we were before. It's real, it's not, it's like actually, I think what might be the thing that builds lives and communities, being like, help me. Do you think some people are like duh, like listening right now, like duh?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Some people are good at naming me. No, no, no, no, I. Some people are good at naming me. No, no, no, no, I think that there is a misconception. I don't know. I'm not. This has all been like a fucking revelation to me. Yeah, I think what we're talking about is varsity level

intentionality around creating the community that you want. Because so many of us, myself included, I would consider myself a generous person. I'm generous of my energy, my time. And because of that generosity, and I think a lot of us might feel this way about ourselves, that I'm building a life that if I needed something, people would show up. However, I don't think it would be as easy for me to say, I need you. My thought is people will come if they sense that I need something rather than me saying,

will you come to me now? I need you. And that is the thing. That is the thing, Abby, because what is huge about that is that is the invitation. And that's what I would think. Can't people see that I'm struggling? Yeah. Can't people see that I need help? If they wanted to help, they would show up. If they wanted to. That's right. Christine wrote me a text and said, this is what's happening. This is what I need from you and the dates I need you to do it. Wow. It wasn't like, it wasn't a heroic thing for me. I was like, yes, the answer is yes. And that's why it's like a prayer. That's the connection to me, to the spiritual thing.

It's like a rising of an檸檬. When she's like, all of my prayers can be boiled down into helping as well. Thank you. Thank you. And that is what friendship is, right? Yeah. So you're praying to other people.

You're like, you're sending your prayers to a person instead of just to God. Like, please bring me a casserole, God. You're like, no, send your friend one. It's like, I need you to bring me a casserole on Thursday. Yes, it's like how vulnerable it is to say to God, like, help, please. It's that same fucking vulnerability to say to your friend, help. It is a

two way thing. It isn't that the people will show up if they love you. You have to be vulnerable enough to ask for it. And the thanks in the wow only become because of the help. And I'm beginning to think that like the things in the wow of friendship only comes because of the help. And I'm beginning to think that like the things in the wow of friendship only comes because of the help. Oh, so if you have no things in wow or not a lot of on gratitude, it could be because you're not reaching out enough to request what will result in gratitude and awe. I think it might be. And I think that whole idea when you're like, I'm building the kind of world where I hope that people will show up for me. I do that too. And I think that whole idea when you're like, I'm building the kind of world where I hope that people will show up for me. I do that too.

And I think there's a little bit of that that's like kind of a capitalistic game structure where it's like, I have checked all the boxes to be a good person. And therefore, should I ever need it, I have this insurance policy that I can show to the world and therefore I will be worthy of being helped. But I don't think that's the way it works. I think you get help when you say help, but practically it feels like in our

culture and I don't even know if I'm in America now or like the Doyle's like I have no freaking idea what I mean. Yeah America now or like the doils. Like I have no freaking idea what I mean by that. Yeah. It feels like the only time it's legit or valid in our culture to say help is if it's a physical sickness in your family. Is that the problem that we, like when I think back on my church days,

it was always only that. It was like a baby was born or somebody was sick, and that is the rallying times. Yeah. What are you talking about, and Abby, what are you talking about? Like when you say what would happen that we could use as an excuse to invite

this gorgeous divine web that we're all supposed to have to start building the table that you were at last week Like so big. What would it be? Yeah, my ego feels Threatened in this moment because it is true that it would only have to be like something about that What is it like what when you think about building this fear self not just showing up for other people like for Wendy for Christine, but like when you think about building this web for yourself, and let's say you weren't gonna wait for a sickness

or a baby to be born, that whatever the valid reasons are to send that text, what would it be? I'm saying that being part of these events and being like dipped into these sacred moments has allowed me to see that truth of that magic mix feels wiser and truer and safer and realer than the way that I operate. I'm talking about like very basic. I'm talking about in my own marriage,

being able to be seen when I am suffering. Being able to be like, I don't got this. Even on a like, not like show up with a casserole, I'm talking like, I'm struggling right now and I can't even tell you why. There is something there that like, I think that is, I'm using these other concrete examples of it, but I actually think that that's a block

to connection. So you're saying that you're a person with extreme agency, extreme capability, independence. I've got this. Might think that that's how they're earning their worthiness to be at the table. When in fact, them seated at that table might have less of joy, wonder, awe, and connectedness to everyone else at that table, then the person at the table who was like, all year like, a little bit more vulnerable, broken, asking for help when they needed it. And you think that the thing that's earning your worthiness at the table is actually blocking your connectedness at the table. I'm saying I've only been at tables

when it's been the result of somebody needing help. I'm saying I'm not even at the table. I think that's the basis of tables. And I'm like how many tables am I missing out on hosting or showing up at? Because I am believing the lie that my life is constructed on me being able to get all the shit done that I think should get done and figuring out ways to do it. As opposed to being plugged into this truer to-do list of our life, which is plugging into the people around us that like, are there to help us and we are there to help. I think my life has been smaller than it needed to be because of that.

And I think my relationships have been smaller because I haven't been comfortable being seen when I don't have shit figured out. ["Figure Out"] ["Figure Out"] ["Figure Out"] So what do you do when you don't have shit figured out? What do you do? How do you feel?

Where are you do? How do you feel? Where are you sitting? What happens? I want to know. I want to go to the moment. Do you even allow yourself to understand you feel confused and sad and broken because you don't know what's going on? Or do you even allow that feeling to rise? This is not a personal thing. Everybody has that feeling. Everybody has that experience of lostness. I don't know that it arises intellectually in like a fully formed state. I think I usually feel jittery, edgy, annoyed,

easily snappy at others because'd much rather feel like somebody else did something wrong than that I don't know what's going on. That's so honest and lovely. That makes a lot of sense. So your shut offness or snappiness then makes your scared self even harder to reach because the other person feels like you're mad at them. It's like a bulletproof jacket that you put over your tenderness

and you don't even know that you're experiencing sadness or tenderness. Do you even note the like jump to that or you just now go straight to that? I think I'll get like a low and tired and sad. I didn't know and don't know what people can do to help me. That's big.

I've always been annoyed at people who need a lot of help. You must be fucking mad at me since I was born. No, no, no, no, no, you don't, you're exempt from that. But you know the people who are like, you know, you're just always fucking. Yes. Calling for everything. And you, so like, that's the big caveat to this, right?

There is some magic middle where it's like we should not have to wait until someone has a horrendous disease to be able to rally the troops around them. And we also don't want to be the people that wake up every morning, and it's like, ask not what I can do for myself, ask what other people can do for me. Like, we don't want to be those people. Where is the middle one where we're like,

no, when you open yourself up to be able to receive help to ask for it, that's like the right amount. You know, like going back to what we were just saying about you. When you say I don't know how anyone could help me with what? What do you mean? I mean like inside my head. Right. So like what's wrong with the inside your head? Oh shit, we don't have time. No, no, I'm serious. We're getting at something. Like what is, what's wrong? or confused or mad, I have always felt like I have to understand that before I share that. Yeah, I have to like, okay, so here's the thing I'm mad about or said about or whatever.

And so let me really break it down for three days where I figure out my first step is that is that even reasonable? Is that reasonable? Are you crazy? Are you? Is that if it's not reasonable, then you just deal with it in your own head as opposed to being like, but it kind of doesn't matter if it's reasonable if it's how you feel. So then do you share that even if it's not reasonable, even if you don't understand it? I didn't know that you're supposed to share your emotions with people just because they exist. Yeah, especially the more, more what I would say, the shadow darker side of emotions, the more difficult ones. Yeah.

Yes. Yes, that's what I mean. Yeah. And I think that's just like, that's just something that I've been learning in all of my therapy and I'm baffled. It's counterintuitive to everything I've been taught, everything that I have learned in my life, everything that I thought was true,

is I've actually been cutting myself off from more intimacy in my most personal relationships because I don't share that stuff. Yeah. But so what would you do when it would happen? Would you just be like, okay, that I understand you thought that that wasn't okay, but would it exist in your head

and then you just dissect it and then try to like compost it? Or would it be composted? Compost it or just shove it down. Because there was a part of me that thought that feeling is weakness. That anger is weakness. I am smarter than this. I can overcome this.

I can figure out whatever it is I need to figure out without that emotion. And so now I'm saying, that upset me. And sometimes I don't have to have a reason why. Sometimes my child self will come forward and try to explain it in a way that is embarrassing in retrospect. I've said stuff to Glennon recently and I've come back the next day and I'm like, that was not, that I feel embarrassed with.

And not in a mean way. No. Just like very unformed. Unfiltered. It's wonderful. It's like very, yes. Child like, it's very like, but I don't want that. And I want something else.

And that's what would be beautiful for you is to not that to actualize the emotion, not create a case like you're a lawyer or whatever. You're allowing your, you don't even know why. You're just saying these feelings. That is right. I'm like, let's take this on like a court case. Let's look at it.

I'm like, that case does not have legs. That would be thrown out of court. So we will not bring that up. Like as opposed to, I don't like this. That's right. I don't want this. That's so, that's sister. Yeah, that's good.

Do you know that that's everything? We have talked recently about how you have gotten to a place where you don't know what you want in big ways. You know what? You have to practice that shit and you practice it by in moments where you don't like things going I don't like this I don't want this. Yes. And noting that thing and not having to justify it, or explain it, or like, it doesn't matter. You'll have to have a case for those things.

Well, because you can't intellectualize the emotion away. That is not something that you can do. You actually have to release the emotion and get it outside of you, realize I can say this stuff and this person won't leave. That's the big thing that I was afraid of. If I say this stuff, if I show this part of myself, the child tantrum, discomfort, whatever it is,

part of myself, nobody would stay. And she's just like, okay, I hear you the other night. I was like, but I don't want that. I don't like literally like that. I went into this huge thing and she was just very still calm. She didn't escalate, she just stayed neutral. And then the next day I came back and she's like, yeah, I felt that part of you come up.

And it's like, oh my gosh, and you're still fucking here. It's like having to have the communication with your spouse or person that we're even talking about to have them hold all the parts of who you are. And that's to me what this connects to with the help and the connection and the bigger world you can make for yourself, which is that I thought that my job always was to manage

myself and my life and manage my feelings and manage my thoughts. And that was on me. And if there ever was a case to be presented, then it had to, you know, check these 37 boxes. And then, okay, now that's a legitimate thing. Okay, we will now print out the case. We will present the case. We will deal with the case, case closed, moving on. The difference there is that it is very childlike.

And so is saying help and so is saying come near. I need you near. I need help. And that is, I think, where relationship happens. That same level of vulnerability is of bearing yourself, of putting yourself in the hands of other people, is I think the way that we connect to all the things, to our people, to God, to, and also it's all the same thing. Yeah, it's the thing I am going to entrust to you partner or to you friend or to you world. This thing that is unpollished and unfinished and that I think us coming together on this thing will make it okay. Instead of keeping it for yourself. So good. It's probably why like every spiritual tradition is based on like, oh, that's so cute that you think having your shit together is what's going to bring you joy.

Like having your shit too much together, being too independent can really get in the way of being human and love. It's like all the one-year week you're strong, all those dichotomies. And it probably drives crazy, the person who has spent their life, trying to perfect their way to love. Because it feels like, oh my God, all I had to do is be more weak the whole time. And then all those people who are always asking for help and annoying you, you're like, wait, they're on the right track. Well, I do think there's a fucking line. There's, there's a, get, get to who I don't show up to help the people who

wake up every morning and ask for help. Oh, God, no. Yeah, yeah, like, I do. It's a way of something that we've got to figure that out at some point. Well, that's dependent. We've got independent. We've got dependent. We're right. Interdependent. We're in the zone of interdependence. I show up for me sometimes you show up for you. I show up for me sometimes, you show up for you sometimes, you show up for me sometimes, I show up for you sometimes. Not every day I wake up and call you and say, how will you show up for me?

Yes, and I do think that there is also just this part of it that's like, I have lived really independently for chunks of my life. Also putting aside the whole idea that independence is like a patron of capitalistic and all that right, but purporting to be like, I can do my little world on my own. And it is just way less interesting. Yeah, there's no juice in it.

It's right. Juicing it. The only juice in it is the juice of your own making. Yeah. Hand squeezed juice all on your own in the kitchen. Just squeezing out your own juice. I'll buy yourself so sad. I don't know. I just think this little, this little like experiment into thinking about this and just the, the few times they've been a part of it. Recently, I think there's more juice there. There's a more interesting way there.

Yeah, and I think a lot of us listening are, we have like the people that we know we would call and that those people would drop everything for us. We have those people. I think we're also talking a little bit about growing or like getting to the next concentric circle outside of that like family or whatever. Growing our group, our community of people that we can rely on. And that might, that might absolutely take some proactivity of an intention and saying, hey, I need this and asking for it. And is it also not just that, but it's a way of being?

Like, it's not just intentionally like, oh, and now I need to intentionally create this community. I'm thinking like it's also just being at the store and like not being so focused on the one realm of life where you have to get back and you have to do the thing and you have to do the thing. But dropping into the next realm because somebody has just dropped, you know, their thing on the ground. And you stop and you turn around and you pick up that thing and you hand it to them and you have this moment where you're in the other realm. I love there. Yeah. Right. You do live there. I mean, sometimes I'm like,

can we get back to the realm where we have to get back to the house? But like, I think it's a way of being that where you drop into that other part of connection above productivity, too. And interdependence with everybody as opposed to just, we're all living our little independent day. Yeah. That's right. And I think that it's all so cyclical because like with Wendy, what she did inviting us in and us seeing that bigger truth of life and what's most precious and how we're all connected is that led the community that she built through her generosity and letting us in that way is the community that will be there for her 12- old son, not because it's the right thing to do, but because we can now see and feel the reality that we are connected, that he is ours and we are his. Yes, I think the whole reason why we're talking about this is because there was a celebration of it.

There was an acknowledgement, a party of some sort. Now, I believe, and we don't do this enough, I think that celebrations are about tapping into the next place. I think celebrations are like the sprinkle fairy dust of like this above-ness component to it. And that is what they were doing. They were inviting you to this dinner,

showing you what the next place, this other dimension, this thing that you all tapped into, is it's making the invisible visible, right? Like we were in fact all connected to each other. Yeah. We just didn't know it. That's right. We were connected to them to help them through a very scary time, which reconnected us to them over and over. But we were also connected to each other in this web that we didn't see until they put us at that table. And that's what I think the whole thing of help is actually doing. It is like, you can't see that you're connected until we do this super fucking obvious thing of helping each other that makes the invisible visible. It shows how like, you're dependent on me

and I'm dependent on you, but we don't get to access that gift unless we are in that tangible moment to see it. Yeah, you're not creating a web at all. Nobody's creating a web. You're just throwing invisible ink on the web that is already there, so we get to see it. Exactly.

Visible ink. Invisible ink. What's invisible ink? You're throwing some ink on the web. It was a freaking brilliant thing, and then we just went with invisible ink. Yes, that's exactly right the web is already there. They're it we're not creating shit We're tapping into something that has always been there and we get the privilege of tapping into it Anything that's good. Bam. Yo, it's remembering well guess what folks

We had a whole different plan to talk about today We're gonna do that's what we're gonna do this year. What are we doing? We're gonna show the invisible We're gonna throw visible ink On the invisible web so that we can see a visible web Okay, wow right that down. She's real good with words But you can see it in your mind can't you I know you can. Yeah, we're all connected.

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We appreciate you very much. We can do hard things, is produced in partnership with Keynes 13 Studios. I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlyle. I walked through a fire, I came out, the other side. I chased desire I made sure I got me And because I'm mine, I walk the line Cause we're adventurous and heartbreak So man, of final destination

That we stopped asking directions Some places they've never been And to be loved we need to be known We'll finally find a way back home And through the joy and pain That our lives bring We can do a heartache I hit rock bottom it felt like a brand new star I'm not the problem sometimes things fall apart and I continue to believe the best people are free and

it took some time but I'm finally fine But I'm finally fine Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on matter A final destination with land We stopped asking directions So places they've never been Come to be loved, we need to be known We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain

That our lives bring We can do a hard thing This world finished her rose and heart breaks on my mind. We might get lost, but we're only in that. Stopped asking directions from me. Some places may've never been And to be loved we need to be long We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain

That our lives bring We can do hard things. Yeah, we can do hard things. Yeah, we can do hard things. you