We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 279. Amanda’s “Rebuilding Year” + Playfulness + Your Questions

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

Glennon, Abby, and Amanda answer your questions and attempt to do ‘easy’ things – sharing about their personal lives and on topics like parenthood, personal growth, and playfulness.  Discover:  Why Amanda’s declaring a “Rebuilding Year,” what it means, and whether you might want one too; Abby’s advice on how to unlock playfulness; Why trying to be ‘good’ is a waste of time and what to strive toward instead; and  What your preferred roller coaster seat reveals about your personality. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things. Yes, we are doing them. Let's do a check-in. Oh. OK. I want to know how my wife and my sister are doing. Abby, I'm going gonna ask you first because what I keep hearing from people

who listen to this podcast and love us very much are these two words. And those words I hear are more Abby. Get in line. Everybody, all God's children want more Abby. Oh my gosh. I know. That's lovely that people want more abby. Oh my gosh. I know. That's lovely that people want more of me.

Yeah. I'm great. Yeah. Life is happening. Our kids are doing wonderful. So much of my contentedness is wrapped up in making sure our kids are doing okay and that they're happy-ish and that they're doing all the things that they want to be doing with their life.

What does okayness mean? When you say you want the kids to be okay, what does that mean? Well, I know that life is weird, especially when you're going through teenagehood and young adulthood. And I think that the stresses and the courses of life that all three of them are on, I think happiness, the striving towards happiness, I don't believe in that. I think striving towards embodiment

and like to have an understanding of making decisions and learning from them, like that's all I really wish for our kids. I think that I'm a very happy person and I feel complete happiness very, very infrequently throughout a day, but I feel contentedness often. And that's like what my dream is for them.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm probably too codependent on our children's contentedness. Yeah, I hear that. What is the difference between happiness and contentedness? Does happiness require like a zing or a buzz or something external to make it? And contentedness is like in the absence of anything stimulating me,

I still have a bit of peace and satisfaction. Yeah, yeah. I think peace is satisfaction. Like that's all that I'm like in search of, I guess, with all the things that I do in a day, whether it's staying fit or going on a walk, I'm doing this new walk thing this year, which is interesting, trying to walk every weekday.

Those are the things that excite me. Great. What about you, sister? What's going on in your life? That was the most boring thing in the whole wide world, so probably less of Abby moving forward. I mean, more towards the beginning of the year. I was just thinking, I'm cold. Everything is cold all the time. Yeah. Yeah. So cold.

This time of year is cold. And so I grab this. This is the Washington National Splinket that is in my son's room because I don't know if the Pod Squad knows this, but I record the podcast from the window seat of my son's room. So I'm just in a little corner. So I grabbed this little blanket and I was just thinking how my husband's like, I'm like, oh, they suck right now? They suck. He's like, no, no, no, no. They don't. It's like they're just having a rebuilding year. Oh, the team. Having a rebuilding year. And I feel like why do whole franchises, where

there's billions of dollars riding, you can view it as they suck right now, because their job is to not suck. But then you could say, no, they're intentionally and strategically and cyclically it is appropriate that, that they're having a rebuilding year. So I just feel like for me, I think I'm having a rebuilding year.

Oh, girl, I love it, I love it. I wonder where you're going with this. I just feel like, you know what? I don't suck, things don't suck. I am just doing what is in the proper life cycle of a winning team to intentionally and strategically have a rebuilding here. What does it mean?

What are you rebuilding? I don't know, exactly. I just feel like why should all of the teams get to claim it like it's something they're doing on purpose? Yeah, they don't know either, exactly. I just feel like why should all of the teams get to claim it like it's something they're doing on purpose? Yeah, they don't know either probably. And not me. I think, and Abby, tell me where I'm wrong.

But I think it's where you're like, okay, we are intentionally going to prune, get rid of some people. We're going to invest in other like talent and possibilities that the fruit will not be seen be evident for a little minute. And don't even ask for it. Don't even look for it. Don't look for the fruit.

Don't come around here looking for fruit. This is a fruitless rebuilding. You just trust that it is happening over here. I think that's what it's called, I come bearing no fruit and I want you to trust this. But here's the thing, I think that this is like a perfect example of the way we could even approach our own lives.

Like there's going to be some seasons of all of our lives that we can't focus on certain things because we might not have it or we don't have the resources for it. Like, so some of these professional teams, what they do is they intentionally say, okay, we are going to spend a less money on the top level talent,

take a couple of years to build up some of our younger talent so that they can become that top talent. And then maybe at some point we'll invest and get some of these top dogs that come into our system and our franchise or organization so that we can make a run for a championship. That is a perfect example of like a person's life

because we can't be always going to win the championship. I know that that might be an idealistic way of thinking about a life, but it's not. Like we need seasons of like hibernation, of introspection, of intention, of, but it has to be intentional. Like that's the thing that, that I think what the big takeaway for me is with pro sports are like, we are intentionally going into the season, knowing that it is a rebuilding year. We might even come in last place. Like, some of these teams come intentionally, intentionally come in last, and last get the first draft. Yes, exactly. Yes. So what I'm saying is it's a natural life cycle. It's very highly researched and very invested in and very strategic. But then we expect us as individual ecosystems

to just every year be better than we were the last year and better and better and better and reaping all of these things. And it doesn't feel natural. It feels more natural that we would have rebuilding years where it might look on the surface, like not much is going on, but really that might be the seeds

of what is going to be happening in three years, five years, whatever. And also, you know what? I'm gonna move it to gardening. In a development, we did not see coming. In another arena that Glennon knows very little about. That's true, but it's gonna be better than this situation. Okay.

It's like sometimes you're just planting a little teeny seed and you don't even know exactly what it's gonna be, but it's not visible. It's just a little teeny seed beneath the dirt, okay? And what you're saying is I don't even know what it is And I don't want anybody to expect anything of this little flower But I'm just gonna go out each day and just give it a little bit of water That's what I'm doing and also

Wouldn't it be amazing if what we learn is the point is just the like watering a little bit That's the joy of it. It's not even whatever it becomes because we're always so result based, like winning the championship. What's the thing gonna be? But I just feel like so many people are going into the vibe of like simple, smaller, not results based, not girl bossing, not we're gonna win the thing,

not relevancy, but like the beauty of just having your little plot and just watering each day. And like that's the whole point. The beauty of like the ho hum Monday, the beauty of the walking to the seed and the beauty of filling the can up with water, the beauty of that process. Because otherwise we just fall back

into the same hustle culture. Otherwise it's like, I'm resting right now, I'm sowing, but only so I could reap big later. Only so I can show up big later. But like, what if the whole point is finding the joy in the small sowing? And that that is the reaping. Yeah, totally, but sometimes fucking watering seeds

is really boring, that is the reaping. Yeah, totally. But sometimes fucking watering seeds is really boring. That's the problem. I just also feel like it's a good life hack that if people are like, what are your goals for this year? What are your, what's your intentions? I just invite everyone to adopt the answer. I'm having a rebuilding year. Yeah, period.

Period. I just feel like, what are you gonna say after that? It sounds very intentional, but people get to leave you alone. It's expect nothing of me, and I'm into it. And you know how, like, at the press conferences, they might say, I'm having a rebuilding year and I'll be taking no further questions?

I think that I'll be taking no further questions is important. You don't want to- And it's implied. Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, so I guess we shouldn't ask any more questions about why nothing is happening. Yeah.

Because apparently she's having a rebuilding here. That's good. Right, okay. Glennon, how about you? I'll just tell you this. Last night, I was getting in the bathtub with my book in my phone.

Cause that's the best way to do self-care. Yeah. Your phone. Mindful, really, when you think about it. in my phone, because that's the best way to do self-care. Yeah. Mindful, really, when you think about it. Anyway, I have this moment where I'm holding a book, holding a phone, I'm naked, obviously. I try to put my foot over the bathtub, and I notice, oh, I've lost complete balance and control. I am going down. I am going down. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not great in a spatial emergency. Okay. Like I'm not. So all I can tell you is I feel like I'm going to die.

And then two minutes later, I kind of come to as I do. She didn't pass out. No, no, no, totally conscious. You fall into the tub. Yeah. And then all I remember is looking down in the water and my book is at the bottom of the tub and my phone is at the bottom of the tub. Oh, you saved a zero?

Because in my head I was thinking, what would Glennon save her book or her phone? And it's a real toss up in my head, but you saved neither or me because I have this, I look like an athlete. I look like someone who got beat up on a field. She looks like a soccer player. I'm a athlete. She's got a soccer player injury. I have bruises, I have a bump, a huge bump.

I was giggling when I came to, because my book at the bottom of the bathtub says, on embodiment. Because of course. So I don't know how I'm doing. I don't know. I just, I'm in a rebuilding year. Yeah, rebuilding year.

Okay, there will be no further inquiries of you. Yeah, great. Well, and we talked about it because a few minutes later, because I was in bed watching TV and she just goes, babe, I fell. And so I like jump up and I run in there and she's just sitting in the tub

and her phone and stuff are now out of the tub. She's pulled them out of the tub and I was just making sure she wasn't actually injured and she just got a little bruise. And I said, so when you were falling, did you think where should I throw the book and phone away from the water? And she said, no, I don't even know what happened. And so I think what happened is she fell and she just placed the phone and

the book directly into the tub, just in there. And then didn't immediately take the phone out. She was just looking at them both at the bottom of the tub, just like, oh, dang it. Like, oh, darn. Well, that's a moment. Looking down and being like, oh my God, my phone and my embodiment book are at the bottom of my bathtub. It was kind of a cool moment, you know?

It was. Anyway, I felt a little bit more wired and anxious the last few days. And that to me was a moment where the universe was like, I do have these moments where it's like a big slow the fuck down, you need to calm down. You need to calm down. Like literally we are taking you down. So I kind of just like, I feel humbled when something like that happens to me. It's hard not to feel humbled when you drop your body, your phone and your book in the tub.

It's not a reached oil to You feel humbled in that circuit. Yeah, so I just kind of crawled into bed afterwards and just did nothing for the rest of the day. I was telling me to do less. Yeah. ["Let's Hear From Our Pods Squirrels"] Let's hear from our pod squatters. This is exciting. This is the first of the year episode where we are going to answer questions from the

pod squad and our goal, which we probably won't meet, is to keep it light, to like stay easy, till we can do hard things easy, all right? We are going to be easy breezy. We are not going to bring trauma into these. Fingers crossed, fingers crossed everybody. Which means? I cannot be held to account.

I was not informed I was unable to bring trauma. So two out of the three you'll get. I don't know how not to. I don't need there, but I don't know. All right, let's hear it. Okay. Go ahead, Stephanie. My name is Stephanie. And my question for Abby is as I've gotten older and now have a kid who's three and a half. I am losing my play and my fun and I'm going to be 36 this

month and I don't want to grow up and I'm doing hard things but I'm tired, I'm exhausted and I just want to know, Abby, do you ever do anything when you start to feel like you're not playing enough that always brings you back to having fun? Is there any suggestions you could give me? Any morning things that you do to spark the play and the youthfulness back? My heart breaks when my daughter says, you want to play with me? And I think, yeah, no, I don't. I just want to play with me? And I think, yeah, no, I don't. I just want

to make this dinner. And I know sister feels the same way. But I just I want my play back. I want my silly back. Abby, if you have any suggestions on how to, you know, ground yourself in calmness, but ground myself back to my silly playful fun self. That would be great. I love you guys so much. And also I listened to Tisha's song at the end of every episode and 97% of the time I cry because it's beautiful and it touches me. And you guys touch me every single time I listen to the podcast.

Oh, Stephanie. Okay. I will say as I get older, play changes. So what your play and silliness might have looked like when you were 10, 20, 30 might look differently now. Honestly, sometimes when I'm cooking dinner, I'll throw on some music and I'll just sing, I'll just sing Whitney Houston as loud as I possibly can.

I will dance around. I do like to play near Glenin because I know that she doesn't really know how to play. In fact, last night we had a situation in our house that Glenin was looking at me weird and I was pretending not to hear her. So I just kept going, huh? Huh?

So I just was doing that and it was annoying her. And so Glennon started to play. I tried to play. So she, cause I was saying, huh, huh, huh, huh. And it was annoying her. So she started to poke her finger towards my mouth. Okay. And so we were, we were now in the act of play,

and this is fun for me. And so I, of course, open my mouth, and I'm like pretending, like if you stick it further in, I'm gonna bite your finger. And I'm like, ah, ah, ah. You know, and so she's going, and she's pretending to do it.

And then all of a sudden, Glennon unbeknownst to me, because the way that I've learned how to play in the way of sticking a finger in somebody's mouth as a playful thing is you don't really stick your finger in their mouth because they're going to bite it. Right? Glennon. They've already said I'm going to bite it. Yeah. So Glennon doesn't know the protocol of play like somebody who does. So Glennon doesn't know the protocol of play like somebody who does. And so I'm going like this and Glennon actually sticks her finger in my mouth and I bite her.

Really hard. This is only two hours after the bathtub incident. And she goes, oh, because it hurt. It hurt bad. It hurt bad people. I did not expect her to actually, cause it was eventually funny. She was actually mad for the first 10 minutes cause I, I hurt her. On account of you biting her.

Yeah. I told her that she broke my trust. Yeah. She did say that. Oh God. You're so pathetic. Stephanie, one thing that I would suggest is figure out what play means to you now.

You know, like, obviously you have a young daughter and the truth is, is nothing is fun about playing with like a little kid. Cause they're like, like, stomp, stomp. Yeah, just say it. Yeah. That's not play, that's work. That's what you're, you're, you're thinking of it wrong.

Playing with your kid is not play. Playing with your kid is work. That's right. It's parenting. Play, you gotta find your own play. Yes. Right, Penny? Yes, and then eventually, if she sees you playing

at your own thing, your daughter or your children, will probably want to join in and whatever that is. Like for instance, I love surfing. That is like the highest level of play that I can get into. And we went surfing as a family a couple of years ago and we were all in the water. And I just thought, oh my God, we're all doing this together. And it was so awesome.

So figure out what it is that you love and that makes you feel silly and that makes you feel playful and do that. And I bet you your daughter will maybe want to come join you. First of all, I love that Stephanie said, I'm not talking about a calming grounding practice. That's important because it's two different things, right? Like we're so focused on like the wellness,

calmness, meditation, whole thing to just get our shit together. That is one thing, but what Stephanie's talking about is something different. It's not that, it's not just mental health stuff. It's like silly, joy, fun, a different thing. So what is your thing right now, babe? Because you have all different things.

Well, I can bring silly fun joy into anything that I'm doing. I don't know. We'll just be like in line. Usually when we're in line somewhere where it's like boring and we're just like waiting to be like, go to get served or whatever we're doing, I'll just like start dancing.

I like break out and dance quite often. Yeah, you do. Like we did it this morning at the doctor's office. Yeah. I was just like, oh, okay, let's go. Like here's some music Like we did it this morning at the doctor's office. Yeah. I was just like, oh, okay, let's go. Like here's some music. We're gonna just make some joy out of it. I can do that in any scenario.

I don't think that it's even like an activity that you need to do to play. It's like uncovering or letting the part of you that wants to play come out in the normal parts of your life. Do you think that the calming, relaxing, resting stuff is not the same as silliness, but that it is a prerequisite to the silliness? Because one thing that's silly vibes and fun, when you say dancing in line,

what that requires is someone who takes care of themselves, who has enough energy, who has enough rest to have that bubbly, carbonated energy, that is the injection of fun into other things. What I do know about you is you take very good care of yourself. You take naps whenever the fuck you want, which is so revolution. You take good care of yourself. I shut it down. Right. I wonder if that's connected. I shut it down. I shut myself down. I give myself two hours to just do whatever the hell I want during a day.

And I do think it gives me the energy and the, I don't know, it's like this period of time that gives me the space to just be myself in all the other parts of my life. Yeah. And Stephanie's got little ones. So she might not be able to do that yet. That might be impossible, actually. I mean, and I think that joy and playfulness can be different things. I mentioned this last year,

I've been doing a little bit of painting. And by painting, I don't even actually think that that is what I'm doing. It is what you're doing. You made a painting, and I think it's beautiful. Thanks. So I'm not painting like things that you could recognize because that feels like a skill.

I'm not trying to have a skill. I'm just trying to have that moment of like, oh, look, I'm doing something completely unproductive. And oh my gosh, the colors are so pretty. Okay, I'm just gonna admit this because this is the truth of things. How I started doing this was I was like, I set up the bunch of painting stuff upstairs

and I was like, this is the kind of thing that I want my kids to see me doing. This is like the memory I want them to have of me. I set it all up right before Chase came home because I was like, I want him to come home and just have memories of my mom, the whimsical painter who just had so much fun. It was completely motivated wrongly. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So many of us do that, babe. That's not a you thing. That's

the people thing. I want to be viewed this way by my children, not that I want to do it. Okay. by my children, not that I want to do it. Okay. But then it was kind of great. Colors are cool. I felt like I was in elementary school again or something, but without all the trauma, like it felt like it was enjoyable in the doing of it. And I was just by myself, there was nobody else there,

which is also another reason why I was enjoyable, but there is something just messing with colors. But it's like these little moments where you're like, this is in service of no one or no goal. And- But it was in service of you. It's enjoyable. I have like a hypothesis for me as a person that in order to have like this full life, I'd like to look forward to things quite a bit. And I like the outcome of other things. And this is important.

I think play, it's something that you participate in that you look forward to that doesn't feel like that there's no part of it that feels like, oh, this is a slog or I'm dreading this or whatever. I work out every day and I dread working out every single day, but I do it because I know it's good for me. And I love the feeling that I have when I'm done with that. And so play, I think though, is about feeling excited before you do something and also having that same feeling

last while you're doing it and missing it a little bit when you're not doing it. Cool. Does that make any sense? Yeah. OK, good. Do you have any play things that you're doing doing it. Cool. Does that make any sense? Yeah. Okay, good. Do you have any play things that you're doing, Sissy?

Yeah, do you play? No. I wanna hear from Barb. Okay, Barb. Hi, my name is Barb. This is a really random question, but I actually like hearing the answer from people because I think it kind of reveals things about

people that you may suspect that may not necessarily. When you're riding a roller coaster, do you prefer to sit in the front, the middle or the back of that like roller coaster car setting? All right, thanks guys. Ooh, Sissy. You're the one. That is an awesome question. It is a good question.

And you've just recently ridden a roller coaster. What is your answer? So, first of all, I love that Barb just said, do you front or the back? Of course it has to be in the front or the back, but I think it depends on the individual coaster as to whether it has like launches or whether it has loops or obviously

whether it has like the floorless situation. So I love a roller coaster very much. Sister is a roller coaster connoisseur. And I think I've been thinking about it lately because we took the kids to Six Flags the day after Christmas. Because everyone in my family loves a roller coaster. It's like our unifying force because we're all very different. But like in coasters, we trust situation. We all love it. And I'm like, why do I love this so much?

And I realized that it's the experience of being wildly out of control, but with the reality that you're actually meticulously under control. There is no actual, I mean, the chances of getting hurt at like a legit amusement park are one in 18 million. It's not at all risky or scary, but you feel like you're being absolutely nuts by going on. Interesting. It's fake loss of control, so it's a fake loss of control. It's a genuine wildly out of control-ness while knowing that it's very much in control. Because I mean, you're flipping upside down. You're going in these ridiculous contortions,

but it has also been regularly vetted by the safety and stress corrosion. You know that that is happening, but you're like, I'm nuts, look at me, I'm crazy. Whereas it's like, why Abby, I love going tubing when you are driving the boat. Because you can do crazy things with the boat and the tubing, the tube is going nuts. But I can do it if you're driving. If someone else is driving, I won't do it because it is like the extent to which I can let go

is directly proportional to the extent to which I can let go is directly proportional to the extent to which I can trust. So I'm like, okay, I love this out of control feeling, but it's so rare to get the out of control feeling while you know that you're actually safe. Wow, that's deep. So good. It's so good. I think it's true.

It's like when people are like, just let go. I just need more information. Let go to whom? You know, when I said that meme over the thing that was like, does the process know that we're trusting it? Yeah. Who's in charge of the process? I'm happy to let go if you give me the resume of the person who's going to pick up.

So the roller coaster is the perfect release knowing the fine print. Yeah. Well, it's a very JV version. Interesting. It gives your body the experience of risk and chaos while you're actually risking nothing. I have a question. You didn't answer it. Middle, front, back. For me, no middle, unless the lines are too long.

In which case, if I want to get through it, I'll do the middle. For me, if it is a floorless coaster, I like to sit in the very front because then you feel like there's nothing, like it's just you going, you're like wide open spaces just floating in air. If it's like a super launchy type coaster or there is a lot of twists and turns, then back. Because the very back has a major sense

of weightlessness and it has, you get a lot more airtime on the back where you, cause by the physics of it, when the front cars go down, right? Like you've got gravity plus the speed. And so the last car is like, you get airtime. Okay, so this is play, Sissy. You're playing, this is play.

Yeah, yeah. No, this is a major play area for us. Yeah, let me do it. Glenan, are you middle? I'm not. I'm the one who waits in line with you and then crosses over. I don't do roller coasters.

I don't. I know that that makes me unfun, but I also feel like... Why does that make you unfun? I feel like the same way about roller coasters as I feel about horror movies. Like, why would you want to intentionally scare yourself? There's enough scary things all around.

That, and that people maybe have some kind of, I don't know, like, stability privilege. Like, that's great that you're doing so great that you're like, what I feel today is just too emotionally and physically steady. And so I need to flail myself. I need to shake it up. I need to fling myself into the air or fling myself emotionally into the abyss with a movie.

Like, great. I love that for you. For me, it's all a scary enough. Yeah, you don't have to explain yourself. Okay, great. What kind of do it because it's a podcast? No, I actually don't. I used to hate roller coasters when I was a kid. And then because I learned about the safety mechanism that you just talked about, I think that that's like super important.

And as I grew up and got older, I took more risk and risk. Like, sister, have you ever gone skydiving? No. Would you? Yeah. Oh my God, you guys should go skydiving. I mean, if it was a vetted place, like I wouldn't jump off a cliff into water. Right.

It's like sanctions. The water hasn't been vetted. Well, like, because we don't know we're just doing this, we're just, this looks fun, but this isn't like a process that somebody has reviewed. Well, you just let somebody go in front of you. That's what you do in a cliff. And PS, I've gone skydiving and I would never do it again. Again, I'm so comfortable on this earth.

I'm so comfortable walking this earth that what I'm going to do is today, I'm going to go into the air and jump back towards it. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wanna hear all of these little questions from Katie

and I think I'm gonna read this one to you because I wanna ask all of these of Sister, okay? Oh God. Here's, this is from Katie. She says, OMG, this is Katie, and I have questions. Yes, I have a million questions, so I'm gonna try and run through some of them. Okay, Sister, love you so much.

If you could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, who would it be and why? Go. Ann Louch. She was our great, great, great, great grandmother. Whenever I think about who I would have dinner with dead or alive, it's always ancestors. It's the only thing like I'm interested in.

It was during the potato famine and she had to send her son Patrick when he was six years old on a ship without her and her husband because they couldn't afford to come to America because they were going to die of starvation. And so he came to the U.S. and he is our great, great grandfather. And I just would want to tell her our story. Like what her sacrifice ended up, well, I just think all the time, I don't know. I know you said don't bring trauma into this and what I did.

But like I think about, my God, how many that impossible decision and how many of us have that story at somewhere in our histories of somebody making an impossible choice and that resulted in the lives that we have. And even our work with the separated families at the border, I was thinking about how when we were watching that go down,

these people trying to get to America for a better life and their families being torn apart in the process of just trying to survive these little kids and like how deeply and profoundly that affected us to try to help. And that is the story of our own family. Okay, what was your favorite concert? Indigo Girls concert last year on Wendy's birthday. My friend too passed away, Wendy. We had huge signs of her face. It was her 47th birthday,

and they sung to her and we all sung together and we all knew it was gonna be Wendy's last and it was just the most beautiful night. They met with Wendy and the entire Wolf Trap sung to her. That was my favorite concert. So Emily and Amy from stage asked the entire audience to sing Happy Birthday to Wendy, right? I love those two.

That is so wonderful. So beautiful. That'll do it. I don't know if it gets any better than that. Okay. Oh, have you ever thought about writing a book? These are all still questions from Katie. Katie, I love you. I have thought about writing a book? These are all still questions from Katie. Katie, I love you.

I have thought about it, because I've thought about everything, but I just feel like that's okay. That's okay. Pass! Oh, do you ever feel like running for political office? I can't imagine something more terrible than that. Here's the thing. I want to do what I think would be best and smart and effective. I don't want to be accountable to people. I don't want to be accountable to people. Exactly.

And I feel like when you're running for office, you are making yourself accountable to people and what they want. But I'm not sure that being accountable to what people want is the way to make the best decisions. To lead, damn straight, that is correct. And especially in the political realm,

because the people to whom you're accountable are not even the people. The people to whom you're accountable are special interest groups. That's why what you're saying is funny, but it's actually at the crux of the problem. Of course, you can't be a political person because you actually want to make real change. So you can't be beholden to special interest groups, right? Yeah. Or you don't even want to be accountable to the people. I would not be good at it, because it would be like Larry would want to write to me

about why his mail is coming at four, as opposed to three. And I'd be like, Larry, no one gives a shit. Right. We're not talking about that today. What have you done for reproductive justice today, Larry? Right. Right, exactly. So I don't think it would be good for me.

It would be a real thrill to have some kind of strategy or policy work. I haven't done that in terms of either like messaging or policy-wise, but I would not like to be the person at the top whose face has like one billion thousand tentacles in it. I would rather just be able to like do the right thing as I see it and make decisions as I see it. And I don't feel like those people are liberated to do that within the current structure. I'm calling it here and now.

What are you calling? Is that when we get our first woman president, Amanda's going to be working for her. Oh, so it's not gonna be Amanda? That's good news. No, I don't think that you would want that. I think that you would wanna be working with somebody who is capable of being the face of the nation

and like coming up with cool policies and cool ideas so that they can implement them. I don't wanna be president and that is convenient for me on account of I am incredibly unqualified for the role. That doesn't seem to matter. Okay. We're going to hear from Allison. Hi, Glennon, Abby and all my name is Allison. And my question is when do we stop being our younger selves?

we stop being our younger selves. And I'm wondering this mostly because I was that teenager that caused a lot of problems when I'm in my younger years. And I feel like still to this day, now in my 40s, I'm still making up for those faults or those mistakes of my younger self. And I'm wondering when do we stop having to be that part of ourselves? Thanks for all you do. Bye.

Wow, that's fascinating. Yeah, I feel like this makes me think of internal family systems a lot because I do too also have younger parts of myself that made decisions that I don't feel very proud of and caused some problems for me, for my family, as I was growing up. And I think when I look back on that, I like to think of like that part of myself, because when you can look back, it's almost like a whole younger year was a part of yourself

while having all these parts coming up and growing and trying to process what was happening. So I think of like my younger self as like, oh, there were parts of you then that needed to express itself in certain ways to survive. And I feel like I've just rounded this corner where I'm like, thank God you did that. Cause you survived and you got here now. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I have a question about what she's saying. Is she saying when do you stop being that in terms of your identity is like,

oh, she was the bad one in the family or she was the rebel rouser or whatever, or whatever, the perception of you within the unit being that person, or is she asking this part of me that keeps recurring and showing up, when am I going to let this part go? Oh, interesting. I didn't even think of it that way. That's so true. She could be saying, when will they stop seeing me as that person? I mean, I can't even answer that question because I'm so far gone from like worrying about controlling other people's narratives.

If that's what you're doing, Allison, like they're treating me that way because that's the way I used to be. I think that part is just out of our control completely. How other people perceive who we are is like a fake idea now. So much joy and peace comes for me when I remember that the reason I'm stressing this

is cause I'm trying to control what another person thinks of me. It's like just another version of disembodiment, right? Like I'm like not in my body right now. I'm not even in my own mind. I'm in your mind of what you might think of me. It's like crazy making. But in order to let go of that, Glenna, do you have to have an alternate grounding?

Like in order to let go of your, what I think you believe about me, can I not let that go until I have a very firm grasp on what I believe about me? I don't think so because I would not say that that's a solid thing that I have. If we're waiting for this epiphany of selfness before we stop that other thing, then we might never stop that other thing. I don't think like you get it nailed and then you stop worrying about the other thing.

I think it's just like you sense the insanity of what I'm doing with my life is I am trying to get into a million other minds and somehow Jedi mind trick them into a certain way of thinking about me, which I don't even know what they're actually thinking. That's just an absolute way of not living, right? Well, that's a relief. Great. Right, like you really don't have to do that. You really do not have to spend time thinking

about what other people think about you. And by the way, I'm just like preaching to my own choir self with this. Like I know that that's true. And it's a very hard thing for me to remember. But the moments I do remember that throughout the day or week or month are like my best moments where I'm like, oh my God, that takes away 99% of my problems.

I actually don't have to think about what other people are thinking about me. If what Allison is asking is like, when do I actually stop making penance for that person I was or feeling like I have to be so good because I was bad or maybe she's doing what I do, which is like, okay, I was a really big fuck up for a while and now I'm like on the straight now. So I'm like a good person now and I was just pretending to be bad before or am I a bad person and I'm just pretending to be good. Now it's like all this stuff. What I think is what I, the pattern that I can see in my life is I was myself. Yep. Okay.

And then the fuckery started around 10, right? And then I started thinking that I was bad. And so I hid and had like a very long stretch of I'm just a bad girl. I'm a bad person. And that meaning like whatever addiction is, whatever bulimia is, or alcoholism, or breaking laws, whatever, bad, bad, bad, bad, rebel, rebel, rebel. Then I got pregnant with Chase. I thought I saved myself by being good. I'm just going to be perfect. Right? Both of those turned out to be total, have nothing to do with who I was. The rebellion or the obedience, the bad or the good had nothing to do with who I was. So I don't take responsibility for it.

Like, I don't know who the hell I was from the time I was 10 to whatever. I think of it as one long experiment. Yeah. Okay. But what I'm trying to do right now at 47 is absolutely become again who I was when I was seven. Mm-hmm. completely become again who I was when I was seven. With this wiser self that's along for the ride, but when I hear Alison say, how do I not be my youngest self?

Or I'm trying to do the opposite. I'm trying to, and I think it's like a theme of, turning out to be a theme of this episode, like play, rest, what, like these little things that I allowed myself to be, feel, do as a child. And then culture told me no in a million different ways. I'm trying to get back to that place that now that I'm 47, I get to say yes. I get to say yes to any of those things that that little seven-year-old wanted, whether it was expressing herself, whether it was wanted, whether it was expressing herself,

whether it was resting, whether it was eating, whether it was doing nothing productive, whether it was crying, whether all of the things that she needed to do to feel free is what 47 and my 50s are gonna be about. And so all the experimental years, whenever they were, Allison, whenever the hell you were doing exactly what you needed to do to be this woman in your 40s.

Oh well, life is one long experiment. That's right. So let's just all get back good as a cage, following all the rules, obedience as a cage, rebellion, hurting ourselves, I heard in a show last night, flailing ourselves against an uncaring universe. Like the universe, we're not punishing, the universe doesn't give a shit. We're just like hurting ourselves.

Rebellion's a cage, obedience is a cage, what is freedom? Right, like I've been good, I've been bad, I wanna be free now. And the best way I can think to do that is to go back to who I was when I was seven and give myself permission to do everything that she would have wanted to do. Yeah. So that's that. Thanks for this check-in. It really ended up being very light and airy and easy breezy.

Minimal traumatic stuff. I mean, I think we talked about roller coasters, so that's kind of light, right? Yeah, but we got to the depth of that, which is cool. I love you both so much. Love you. Love you love you both so much. I love you. Love you, love you. Love you so much. Seven-year-old me would have been really excited if she knew that one day we were going to be working

by playing with our wife and our sister. So fun. Seven-year-old you would be happy to know you were just going to have a couple of rebuilding decades in between there. And having a rebuilding tens, 20s and 30s and 40s. I love you guys. PodsFed, we love you. You can do hard things. Bye.

Bye. If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us. If you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do these three things. First, can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things? Following the pod helps you because you'll never miss an episode and it helps us because you'll never miss an episode.

To do this, just go to the We Can Do Hard Things show page on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you listen to podcasts, and then just tap the plus sign in the upper right hand corner or click on follow. This is the most important thing for the pod. While you're there, if you'd be willing to give us a five star rating and review and share an episode you loved with a friend, we would be so grateful. We appreciate you very much. We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios.

I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlisle. I walked through fire, I came out the other side. I made sure I got what's mine And I continue to believe That I'm the one for me And because I might I'll be the one for me And because I'm mine, I walk the line Cause we're adventurers in heartbreak

So now, a final destination We'll laugh, we've stopped asking directions And some places they've never been And to be loved we need to be known We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain that our lives bring We can do a hard thing I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new start I'm not the problem, sometimes things fall apart

And I continue to believe The best people are free And it took some time But I'm finally fine Cause we're adventurers in heartbreaks I'm at a final destination We've stopped asking directions Some places they've never been And to be loved we need to be known

We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain That our lives bring We can do hard things We're adventurers and heartbreaks on map We might get lost but we're on King Dacke We've stopped asking directions Some places they've never been And to be loved we need to be known We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain that our lives breathe We can do hard things Yeah, we can do hard things Yeah, we can do hard things you