We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 289. The Sports: The Kind of Embarrassing Psychology of Winning & Losing

Episode Date: March 14, 2024

Today we are talking about THE SPORTS. Podsquader Naomi calls in – confused, and slightly embarrassed – about how distraught she is over the loss of her new favorite sports team, asking how to handle it and what, exactly, is going on with her?  Glennon, Abby and Amanda attempt to answer: What IS it about The Sports that makes it so damn emotional?    We go into: The psychology of why our bodies are taken over when our favorite team (or our kid!) is playing;  Glennon’s recent suboptimal moment with a referee,  Why Amanda truly believes she is has a JOB while watching games; and  The way Abby creates an “energy shift” to help her kids win. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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The B-Families. It's so good. Welcome to We Can Hardly Do Things. And that's what next season is going to be called. And I am very, very excited to hear today from this precious pod squatter named Naomi. Let's hear from you, Naomi. Hi, I'm Naomi. I need your help. I really need you to help me with the emotions of sports.

Like how do you handle it? How do you get over it? I was never a sports person and a couple years ago I was like, oh, this will be a nice, like, fun thing to help me unwind and bond with my family. Yeah, not light, not light. 49 is my team. I am way more devastated than I feel comfortable being about a ball game in an organization called the NFL,

which is really, actually really very screwed up. And I'm a therapist, so I can handle a lot of emotions and I can handle things, I can handle a lot of emotions and I can't handle these. I can't handle these. A lot of other way more important things going on and I am so devastated. Please, please help. I saw the Instagram post of Glennon after I think it was Japan lost in the World Cup and I feel that way. Please help me. Bye. Naomi. What did she say? I'm way more devastated than I'm comfortable with. Yes. Oh my God.

We can ruin the sports, can't we? People like Naomi. I'm way more devastated than I feel comfortable being about a ball game. That's what she said. What's your take, y'all? ball game. Yeah. That's what she said. What's your take y'all? I mean, obviously sports is my jam. And Naomi, I can relate to feeling the utter devastation. And I like how you worded it, that you aren't as comfortable being about an actual game. One of the things that I think is so fascinating about sports, and it's really why people come to watch sports, I think, deep down,

is we don't know what's going to happen. We just don't. When we're watching television shows and we can kind of see the story arc and we have an idea and it's safe, right? But with sports, it's all up in the air. You just never really truly know. And that's why we come to it, because it's something that could surprise you.

I mean, you're surprised by this devastation, Naomi. One of the things that I learned throughout the course of my life as an athlete is the devastation is super telling. I am the kind of person that hated losing more than I liked winning. For like a five-year-old, my competitiveness is probably too much. But it kind of laid the groundwork for me doing what I did for my job for so long. And being devastated by

the 49ers loss, it makes sense to me for so many reasons, because the way women often also watch games, it's not always about the winning and losing. It's like you grow attached to these players, the story. I mean, Brock Purdy, give me a break with that guy. You know, like everybody wanted him to win because he was like making the least amount on the field. It's interesting. Why does sports make us feel so many different things? That's it. It's not just devastation. It's also like we're sad that the season is over.

We're sad that this culmination, this big game, the Super Bowl happened. And there's like a little bit of a letdown. Like now what do we do with ourselves and our energy? And there's also one of the things that I think is really amazing about the sports is that I think it's wonderful to have a reason to just sit on your couch all day. But be doing something. But be doing something. We are doing something. And not only are you doing something, you are attached to a collective.

So you're sitting your lazy ass on the couch, but you are part of a movement of like-minded... A movement with no movement. Yes! Is what I'm talking about. And I'm not saying that in a judgmental way. I feel that. It is a very different feeling to sit down in the middle of a Sunday and turn on a movie. That's like, oh, we've given up.

We are really, we have given up. Nope. Is there any football on? Is there any whatever on? Now I am contributing in an important way. I am connected. I am part of a whole. I think there are those of us who are invited

into the sports by partners, by friends, by people we love. And those people have practiced longer, turning it on and off. This is what's upsetting to me. Like, you invited me into this world. Okay, so I sit with Abby and she's like, here's the World Cup, here's the things, here's the people, she's talking about the players, she's... Then everyone tries their hardest. We are watching people lay every bit of themselves on the line, which we do not see all the... ever. No. No. That's why concerts move us. That's why... It's somebody being so vulnerable that they are trying their hardest.

That's not something we see all the time and we resonate with it. And when people who are trying their hardest then lose and are laid out on the field, and then our partners go, all right, so what's for lunch? Click. And we're like, good night. That's the worst.

I'm like, good night. I'm not sleeping for four hours. Like, yes. Where's the debrief? Where's the support group for afterwards? We have no resolution. We're not resolution. We're not gonna process anything?

We're just gonna turn the channel? We feel abandoned. Yeah, I think that what you were just saying though, I think that that's the key. And I've talked to you a little bit about this because I think it's the real reason why people like watching sport is because you are seeing a bunch of people

caring the most about what is happening. Them opening themselves up, it's like they've ripped their hearts open and they're like, they have a big sign on their heart that say, I care about this the most and I'm gonna do everything I possibly can to have the best outcome that I can. Now, Naomi, I think that what you're feeling

is also the same. You're feeling a little bit of like a vulnerability hangover because you were saying, I care the most about the 49ers winning this game. And when they don't, you feel a little embarrassed. You feel a little vulnerable. No, I, listen, I, like, this is the way that I felt when I was on the field playing, showing the world

that I cared the most. And then when we lost, I was like the most embarrassed because I was like, I cared the most. And then when we lost, I was like the most embarrassed because I was like, I care the most. I believe we can do this. Please come watch me. I swear we're gonna win. Yeah, and then it was like awkward. And then it's like, just kidding.

I care the most and also I didn't follow through. But why? Because it's- I'll tell you why. Okay, can you, because I wanna know why. Why does a smart person like Naomi or me or any of us actually care? That's what's embarrassing. There's stuff going on in the news that if we all got behind and cared the most amount, but like why is this thing what we all show up for in the stands and bleed burgundy and

gold? Like, is it tribalism? Sort of. I want you to explain to me, Sister, because I know you've done probably some research about this. What I'm going to admit to the pod squad right now is that I go see my daughter play the soccer. Okay. Oh God, what? I, I'm okay with winning and losing now. I'm cool. I have done my breathing exercises. I understand that this is a game that we're playing.

When someone knocks down my daughter, the other day in the stands. Now please understand that in the stands, now please understand that in the stands of our small school, I'm still Glennon, Abby is still Abby. So Abby is an Olympian soccer player, this is her wife, like we are about love and understanding and we can do hard things, et cetera, et cetera. I stood up in the stands the other day and started screaming as loud as I could at the referee, who is another mother.

No! Yes, because this child was knocking my child over and no one was doing anything about it. So I had to say things that I've heard other people say like, wake up, ref! But I'm screaming that. No one's yelling around me. This is a dignified group of people.

And- Abby, was it- Embarrassing, yes. Was it a foul? Like it should have been called? I mean, look, like it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Emma got knocked over and Glennon stands up,

like the most mama bear moment in the world. I mean, Emma's in high school. She's not like 10, you know, she's almost 16. These are high schoolers. She understands that she's going to get knocked down in the games. Yeah, it's part of the game, right? And Glennon stands up and she's just like, hey, that's a foul. What are you looking at, ref?

Standing up, screaming, running back and forth. I'm like pulling Glennon's clothes and I'm like, sit down, what are you doing? This is embarrassing to all of us, not just Emma, but me and yourself. Right, you are off-branded right now. Yeah, like. Absolutely, and you can imagine how well that went.

Sit down, you're embarrassing me. Well, now I've you can imagine how well that went sit down. You're embarrassing me Well, now I've got a double down triple down whatever I'm doing. I can't admit that this is wrong now. Yeah What I'm saying is we can lose ourselves Yeah, lose ourselves. Also people who have never been in a sport It is very hard for me to understand body is getting strung around as if it's okay Whatever my reptilian brain is just sees my daughter being thrown to the ground. And the immagdala or whatever is not quick enough to say this is okay, this is what we signed up for.

All I know is I have to fight for my daughter. Danger, fire, danger! Yeah. It's really something. So that I feel like is a slightly separate conversation. I think that has to do with like survival, maternal instinct and general bad manners. Okay. Okay.

Got it. But Abby, it's funny when you were talking about how like, we don't know what's gonna happen. And then you were like, why do we all sit around and just watch this? What is the deal? Why this thing of all things? It's called the optimal level of chaos. Watching sports is the perfect blend

of predictability and chance. And that's what we crave. Because if it was totally predictable, if it was just like, well, these players have these stats and they are better and these players have this stats and they are less good. And then it would be too predictable that this team would always win. We would never watch. But the predictability is important because that's what keeps us invested. That's what keeps the players working hard. That's what keeps it sexy and interesting.

But there's always the chance piece that you never know what's gonna happen. And so that is for our minds. We love that the most. The optimal. So that makes me forgive us. That makes me forgive us. That's why we can't put the same amount of energy behind things happening on the news because that's too outside the box of optimal. It's why we can't put the same amount of energy behind things happening on the news

because that's too outside the box of optimal. It's too risky. It's too unknown. This is like a little box of safety where we can pour ourselves out because no matter what, probably no one's going to die. The risk is low. The stakes are lower. Well, I don't know anything about that. I just know that we crave that mix of predictability and chance.

Like that's why March Madness people are obsessed with. There's always gonna, there's the chance of the Cinderella story. Like we want our minds and hearts want that. But it's also a major belonging thing. So they did studies and they found out that for fans, being identified with a favorite team is more important than being identified with their work, with their social group,

and is as or more important to them than being identified with their religion. Wow. For these super fan people. And in this culture where they, scientists call them like totems. If you are like, I am a Bears fan, I am a Cowboys fan, I'm whatever.

These are totems, which are signified points of connection for communities. And it's ritual, right? It's the pregame, it's the Sunday, this is what we do. It's replacing what religion served for so long in cultures where religiosity continues to decline. It's when you think of those markers, we belong, we are connected, we have this ritualized process that we go through and is predictable

and come together on and we belong to each other. It's really crazy. So that's what's bringing us. But like the upset thing, I just feel Naomi so much on that because it doesn't feel like it makes sense. If you're a new to a sport, like why do you care? And it feels kind of embarrassing, honestly, to care that much. And I feel this way with my kids' games. I know, like, there's a million things I want them to learn in sports. And at least half of them require them to lose in order to learn those things. I want them to know how to climb back when everyone's counted them out.

I want them to learn how to keep their heart in it even when they're definitely not going to win. I want them to tune out the world and tune into themselves. I want them to lose gracefully. I want them to be happy for their friends even when they're sad for themselves. All of these things that require them to lose. And I'm still so sad every time they lose. So they did these studies and I find these absolutely hilarious. So when your team loses testosterone drops, your brain produces cortisol. When you lose, meaning like the team that you wanted to win, you're just a fan. Okay. Your own testosterone drops, your own cortisol increases, and you produce less serotonin, which can lead to anger and depression. It's like a mini depression.

It's real. But when you win, you release dopamine. And listen to this, they did studies of fans. So they like had fans watch a game and then they studied the fan losers and the fan winners. And the fans who saw their team win believed they could do much better on totally unrelated tasks, like solving puzzles and shooting darts. But fans who saw their team lose

believed that they would do crappy on solving puzzles and shooting darts. And this is even better. They did a study of the same losing and winning and they found that, so this was about whether a desirable person would want to go out with them. The losing fan said the person was unlikely

to want to go out with them. And the winning fans thought the person would absolutely go out with them. Oh, that is amazing. Just based on whether their're team one or lost. It's like we are attributing to ourselves the glory or the defeat of the team. And we're like, we are either a real shit bag right now, me and myself, or I am so good looking and so good at darts just because my team won. It's wild. It's a real thing. And can be taken to dangerous levels. I mean, I believe in England,

they have like a much higher rate of violence in the home after losses because men feel those things. They feel that power has been taken from them. I mean, there's darkness to this too. On the other side, it makes me feel a little bit like if we are wired for this thing where we desperately need a shared purpose and we desperately need community, we know that. People need purpose, they need community.

Maybe sports isn't that bad of a thing that we can get those things from, because it's better than religion when you think about the Eagles coaches aren't going to go, okay, you guys, for real, we need to invade this other place in the name of our tribalism and religion. Religion can get us in a lot of violence and trouble, right? So maybe this is a good way, a less dangerous way, to indulge our need for shared purpose and community than other versions of tribalism. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Join me, Esther Perel, every Monday in my office on Where Should We Begin? I'm talking to couples and individuals about love and work, about turning conflict into connection. More than ever, our relationships define the quality of our lives. So let's explore the myriad of relational challenges together. See you Monday. We've always had theater, we've always had arts, right? And Brian Phillips, who's a sports writer,

arts, right? And Brian Phillips, who's a sports writer, says that sport is like music or fiction or film in that for a predetermined duration, it asks you to give control over your emotions, to feel what it makes you feel. Which is, that is the vulnerability, right? Like, I don't know how I'm gonna feel. I'm sitting down, reading this book, watching this play, or watching a game, and I am giving over whatever I'm gonna feel to whatever happens right here. Interesting. It's a surrender. It's an exercise in that, which is,

it must be part of the human condition to require that or else why would we have had art and theater and all of that for so long? Is that like a cleansing that we do where we're like, we will be vulnerable and submit to this thing? I would say- Inside of two hours, but that's it. Yeah, but I would say that sports is like

the personification of the arts. And- Okay, say more about that. Yeah, like one time somebody said to me, you're an entertainer, because I was just like, oh, no, I'm an athlete. They're like, no, you're an entertainer. Like you go out and people choose to leave their jobs, to leave their families or bring their their families, or spend their resources on coming to watch you.

That is the crux of it. Like, you are out there to entertain them. And so you are creating, you are an artist out there, creating an environment where people are entertained. And that changed my mindset. This is like midway through my career. And I was like, whoa, for me, it's not just about the functionality of a play,

of a technique, of a goal. It's like, we're actually all here creating something out of literally nothing. Cool. And there is an energy component to it all. There's a woo woo-ness to it all that I don't think it's talked enough about in sport watching and participating in viewing sports.

Because as an athlete, this is when I started to really tap into it, like midway through my career, really tapping into this idea that there was something way bigger than the actual game itself happening. Because when that many people are putting their eyes on you, watching you do this thing, and then it builds up like the pressure and the intensity builds up throughout the course of a game, there are certain people, I would argue,

that I tapped into this different dimension of an energy that it was like, A, I'm going to rip my chest open and be the most vulnerable I possibly could and play with all of my emotion, my rage, my joy, my love, whatever. And then when the intensity got so high, there were some players that could tap into this other energy that it was like, we were all willing this moment to be born out of nothing. And that is what I think people are in to watching sports for,

is that feeling, that moment, that energy, and then watching somebody, what somebody would say is like doing a superhuman thing. Like when I scored that goal that Megan crossed against Brazil in the waning seconds, I was not doing that. I am clear that yes, my body was a vehicle for it but there was way more shit going on in that moment

than I can understand. I mean, in fact, I don't remember the ball going in the goal. It was like this moment blackout and it's like all too much, but it was like so much muchness and everybody was a part of it. So that is what I think brings people in. And I think that is what that organized chaos people are hoping for one of those moments. And it doesn't happen in every sports game

or match or whatever you're watching. But when the stakes are higher in a very big match, like a Super Bowl or a World Cup final or whatever, everybody's intensity and the energy that they bring watching raises. And so the level of intensity and the amount of that muchness is truer and it's more palpable and it's more possible that these big crazy moments happen. There's a scientific thing for that, Abby. As you're talking, I'm like, oh, that's what

mirror neurons are. So there are these things in our brain called mirror neurons, and basically their purpose is to allow us to understand points of view outside of our own. And so when people are watching sports that they're invested in, we put ourselves through our mirror neurons into the players on the field. Like we believe that we are experiencing what the folks on the field are experiencing and it shows up in our bodies. When they test people's bodies, the fans who are watching, they are releasing adrenaline.

Their heart rates, even though they're sitting there, are rates that are associated with rigorous exercise. Like, because they're so connected with these players on the field, we are them, we feel them, our bodies react as if we are them. And so that, I wonder if that energy, you're like, okay, there's X number of us on the field, but in this place, there's thousands of us having the energetic force, like willingness to happen.

Millions, millions of people. That makes so much sense to me. I mean, even when I'm like, when I've been running on a treadmill watching a sporting event, I actually almost fall off the treadmill because I am on the treadmill pretending I'm like the person doing the sport move on the court or on the field. That is for sure what happens. And that is exactly what I feel or what I felt when I was performing, when I was playing.

Is that why you actually feel like there's usually a moment in our kids' games where if it's not going the way that Abby thinks it should be going, like this just happened last week, she stands up and she starts moving to different places in the stands. It feels very serious. Like it's not a joke. And like my friend Lindsay was sitting with us and she's like, where does Abby keep going?

And I said, she has to change the energy. But like that doesn't make sense. Is that like a superstition thing? Like how John won't, if their Red Sox are winning, I will just have to pee my pants. I can't get up and go to the bathroom because that's moving a position while things are going well. Is it the superstition? It works? Or is it like you think you can shake up the energy?

Okay, so or is that the same thing? I don't know exactly you don't who knows what to call it, but it's like something needs to change. Some energy needs to change on the field. You need to do your part and and that includes moving around. I'm telling you, because as an athlete, I knew I was very aware of all of my surroundings. I think a lot of athletes are really good at like walking into a room and being able to get an imprint of what's happening

and not be able to vocalize it. And so I always move towards the goal that Emma's trying to score on. I move closer to that goal. And I know- You're like over here. Yes, and I know deep down, Emma looks over, because this is what I did throughout my career.

I was always conscious, very, very aware of where my people were sitting. And if anything changed, I'd have to figure out, oh wait, what's happening? And so it's just something that I do and the weirdest shit happens is like, Emma's team scores within the next two minutes. All the time. It always works. I don't know how to explain it, but we're just going to let it keep happening because... So why don't you just stand by the goal like the whole time? Because this is fucking weird and so woo woo, there is always a need for some sort of energy change.

And you can't start somewhere, you have to induce the change with your own personal energy that's coming off of you, with your own personal idea of what power means, with your own wishing and willing something to happen. Mm-hmm. You know, I will say that if you're not relating to this sports-wise,

when I go to a musical, like a theater situation, I am unable to control my emotion. I feel like I am the people on the stage. I am every single person who goes up to sing. I cannot believe how brave they are. And I also am, I mean, I am keenly aware that I have a job in the audience. Yes! Yes! I mean, did other people-

I feel that watching every sport. I'm like, I better do my part. Okay. I'm sending all my energy. I'm exhausted at the end. And sometimes I look around the audience and I'm like, did your parents not raise you right? Like, do you understand that we are here, that this is a collective job, that every person who comes on that stage,

I am going to beam at them as if I have Christ consciousness, whatever the fuck that is. That is right. I am- That is right. Every big- People passively just viewing something. I'm like, what are you even doing here? No, we have a job in these seats. You're contributing nothing.

You're just taking, taking, taking. So whatever those mirror neurons are. And then after a play, I just burst out crying. Oh, after a theater play, yeah. I can't, it's just so much. I've been so brave. I've been, I've worked my ass off. I've worked my ass off.

We experienced the human tragedy of life together. We did hard things. We were so connected. I just cry and cry. I'm so tired. I've been through so much. So maybe that is something that is same as the sport. It is.

People who are watching the sports, and maybe that is your science-y version of that, the mirror neurons. That's why it's so exhausting. And Naomi, it is a thing. I remember being little and listening to the football games in my van with my dad. He was a football coach,

but he would be listening to the professional games. And there was like this little song that always said, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. And I was little, but I remember thinking, agony? Isn't that a little dramatic? Really agony? Yes, Naomi. Apparently it's agony. I know it's embarrassing, but it feels, it feels that bad.

Oh my God. Also, they did the same studies with the winners and the losers. The people who after they won, their team won a game the next day, they ate healthfully. And the people who lost the next day, they had all sugars and fats. 100%. Wow. That's hilarious. Yeah. It affects what you crave. It affects what you, it's amazing. It is just a real thing. So I think Naomi, like you're probably just in great mental and physical health. And this is the logical response. And the fact that you're empathic,

the fact that you're so into your emotions, maybe it impacts you more because like you're firing on all cylinders. And here's what I wanna say to all the Naomi's. If you think for one second that the boys playing the sports make you emotional, Naomi, I'm gonna need you to turn on the WNBA. I'm gonna need you to turn on the NWSL.

If you think that a bunch of men getting together and doing this slays you, oh Naomi, you don't even know, okay? When you watch women, there's something about the sports that frees us from all the gender cages. So I think that's why men like to watch the football too, because they can be emotional. They're allowed to care, they're allowed to cry, they're allowed to cheer, they're allowed to cry, they're allowed to cheer, they're allowed

to be vulnerable. They're hugging each other. Yes, they're free from all of the rules. Why do you think they're always patting each other on the ass? I think that that's probably why Naomi's struggling with this so much. And she even said it. She cares so much about this thing that's so commonly patriarchal male dominated. Oh, okay.

I know it's weird, right? It is weird. So take your feelings, take them to the WNBA, forget it. Like the WNBA and the NWSL make me cry almost like a musical. Because when you watch a bunch of women using their bodies for collective purpose and not to be viewed in like the lens that we're used to. There's just something that,

I mean, I think that's why you are such an icon, Abby, because watching a woman just embody full-on strength, vulnerability, trying the hardest, taking it so seriously, like it's life or death, the way the men are allowed to do. Naomi, just trust me. I mean, when we go to Angel City Games, when there is also a purpose of that side of it, when you're all gathered together to watch women who have been sidelined for so long, then you don't even have to be embarrassed

about your passion. Yeah. I mean, the other thing about sports that I find really fascinating is that there's an impermanence to it. It's this little snapshot, this little fleeting moment that like comes and then it goes. And so I think probably what the devastation too is,

is this longing for that snapshot to stay and last. But this is, I think it's one of the greatest teachers for me, especially because life is so impermanent. It's so fast, it happens and then it's over. And I don't know, in this weird bizarre way, it's like helping me get comfortable with dying. Oh, it matches life and death. Interesting. Because it's such a quick thing and it's like, oh, we have to be really present in the moment. And, you know, losing the presence of that intensity and not having that intensity anymore is sad.

Oh, wow. So we miss, it's not just about the football, it's not just about the sports, or it's not just about the musical. We miss the presence it brought out in us, the focus. Yeah, I get that. Naomi, if it makes you feel any better, you may be temporarily down in the proverbial dumps,

which Alice is with you. She cried so hard when the 49ers lost. And took a lot of comforting, yes. Why? Why don't you like the Niners? It is unclear. I'm surprised. I would think she'd be on the Travis Kelce train.

No, she was all Niners all day. And it was very, very sad. She stayed up the entire game and just bawled. So you're in good company. And also, the good news is you're going to net out better because fans who identify strongly with a team are less likely to feel lonely or alienated and they have a higher self-esteem than people who do not identify strongly with the team. So get through your, you know, momentary in the dumps and just know you're probably netting out better with your 49ers love than if you didn't care.

Oh, that's great. ["Forever Young"] All right, let's wrap this up with a Pad Squadder of the week. We haven't had one for so long. I love the Pad Squad. I really do. I one for so long. I love the pod squad. I really do. I just want to say that.

I love you guys so much. And we see you guys out in the world in the wild. And we just, we couldn't do this without you, literally. I have to tell one thing. So I have this little place where I go to paint, because my family doesn't live there. It's a little studio. Yeah. And there's this big window. And I have my easel set up in front of this big window.

And it's very close to where people walk by all day. Every single day that I'm painting there, single day that I'm painting there, somebody stops on the walkway, looks at me, and does like heart hands or shows me like that they're doing a paintbrush, like they see I'm painting. These two women stopped the other day and they made gestures so I could understand they were saying, we see you painting. We see you painting. Okay? It was like a... What is that game you play with your family? Rhymes with?

Yeah, charades. Charades, it was. It was a game of charades between us. Me in the window, them there. They were pad squatters. For sure. I don't even have to like... I know.

You just know. And it's just so beautiful. And sometimes I'll see a woman walking by, just dripping in babies and pushing a stroller and we'll make eye contact. And it's this beautiful moment of like, yes, that, keep pushing the stroller, but soon paintbrush. Soon you'll be pushing a brush instead of a double brush.

Soon. We don't say anything cause we're so far from each other, but it's this moment. So anyway, yes, we love you, Pod Squad. Okay, let's hear from Emily. Hey, team. This is Emily, and I just had to call in and tell you that I'm just back from a week with my family, and I implemented the thing that between dream, Marie Brown and her sister were talking about, the sister check-in as a way of sort of connecting and then protecting against conflict.

I did it with my brother and sister. I was like, listen, we're doing this. We're peeling off. Just three of us were chatting for a little bit, checking in about important things that have happened to us as we laugh by each other. And I explained why and we did it and it was great. And it worked. And there was no conflict with my brother and sister, which is maybe unprecedented. So I just wanted to let everyone know that it works. And thank you to the Brown sisters for the amazing idea and I think we'll be doing it moving forward so thank you for always giving us deep

conversations and practical advice. Okay love you all. Emily. So it's Autumn Brown. Autumn Brown is Adrienne Marie Brown's sister. They are just forever giving the most beautiful advice. We love them so much. Yeah, Emily's talking about episode 266, how to love family when you're divided on beliefs. And that was Adrienne Marie Brown and Autumn Brown, who were talking about how they used to have a lot of conflict at any family gathering because it would have

been so long and then all three sisters would come and have kind of this preemptive resentment that each other didn't know what was going on in each other's lives and weren't asking them about it or weren't aware of kind of their sensitivities and triggers because of what happened throughout the year. So they decided to meet. You'll have to listen to the whole episode because they give a lot more context, but they would meet at the beginning of the get together, have their private time together, say, what are the three most important things that have happened to you this year, tell us about it, go around. And that that they noted made the rest of the time together work a lot better because

they knew what was going on in each other's lives and they had the sensitivities to be aware of things. But listen to 266 because they had a lot more good advice too. Yeah, it's just such a beautiful way of approaching each other because especially in families, all we are is a bunch of stories to each other, old stories. And so when you can figure out a way to apply beginner's mind to your people, I think it can be the most beautiful thing because what I know for sure is the things that we stare at

the most are the things we do not see. Like the people that I think I have pegged, that I think I know the best, that I am staring at every day are the people I am least likely to see in their freshest, newest iteration. So it is a way, it is a way of approaching every single person in your family with just fresh beginner's mind every time because no one is the same day to day. Certainly not year to year, right? So like my God, if we could approach our friends and families in a way that we were like, oh, I'm gonna start over every time. Who are you? How are you? What are you?

And see each other freshly. It releases like this pressure. It's like releasing a pressure valve on how this relationship ought to be or what I should know about you. And coming to it with this beginner's mind just makes it more like I don't know it's like when you're kids you're like oh you're a person cool like what happens yeah pretend you don't know each other pretend you don't know each other it's like

Andrea Gibson I think it was the episode with their partner Megan Fally where they were talking about the highest form of love is actually I don't know you. Yes. Oh man. How the presumption and the kind of reduction of someone to I know you, I know everything about you is supposed to indicate an intimacy, but in fact it is actually diminishing that person because it's like you are a magical unicorn of mystery that is always changing. Like when I come to you with the idea that I don't know you, I am now curious and interested and want to hear it. And when I come to you with I know you, judgment. Yeah. It's a wall. It's why they talk about beginner's mind so much. If you look at a tree, your mind goes tree and then there's no all left. The label of the thing erases the miracle of the thing every time.

The language, the word, the story. Yeah. If you look at a tree and you don't allow yourself to go tree, and you actually look at it, you could start crying. Yeah. And that's how people are. It's like if we could approach each other without the story, we would cry of awe

in each other's presence. So good. So thank you for that, Emily. Thank you, Autumn and Adrienne, for just always reminding us of that. Go forth, Pod Squad. See each other without stories. When you say go forth, do you feel like a priest?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Every time you say it, I think, she thinks she's a priest. It's so good. Go forth and be well. The high priestess of hard things.

Thank you. Go forth and think hard before multiplying. See you next time Pod Squad. Bye. Bye. Bye. If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us. If you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do these three things first, can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things?

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And I continue to believe that I'm the one for me And because I'm mine, I walk the line Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on map A final destination we lack We stopped asking directions To places they've never been And to be loved we need to be known

We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain that our lives bring We can do our thing I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new start I'm not the problem, sometimes things fall apart And I continue to believe The best people are free And it took some time, but I'm finally fine

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on that We've stopped asking directions To places they've never been And to be loved we need to be known We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain That our lives bring We can do our thing We're adventurers and heartbreaks on map We might get lost but we're okay now We've stopped asking directions To places they've never been And to be loved we need to be known We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain That our lives bring

We can do hard things Yeah, we can do hard things Yeah, we can do hard things