We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - 29. People Pleasing, Unlocked Doors & First Kisses

Episode Date: September 23, 2021

1. Why Abby says that people pleasing is both her superpower and her Achilles heel. 2. Why Glennon says playing with kids is just the worst—and insists it’s okay for adults to sit it out. (This is why she’s not a parenting expert.) 3. Why Glennon and Abby decided to say goodbye to Florida and hello to California. 4. Glennon, Abby, and Amanda answer rapid fire questions about: their astrological signs, first kisses, and their morning routines.

We are jumping right into our We Can Do Hard Things. Episode two of this week, we have missed you. We have missed you so much. We are so grateful to be back together. This week is a celebration of you and your just ridiculously brutal lives. We've been listening to your stories and your questions and we are answering a bunch more today. So let's jump right in, shall we? Hey, Glennon and sister.

This is Kimberly. I just want to let you know that I find a lot of comfort and peace in this podcast. I just had my second baby. I have a three-year-old and a four-and-a-half-month-old and dealing with some postpartum depression. I love how raw and real you are and makes me feel better and realize I'm not a mess either. I'm just a very feeling person because I'm paying attention. So, one, thank you for your story. keep on sharing it.

I am curious why you guys decided to move to California. Just being nosy. You don't have to tell your listeners why, but I am curious about that. My husband and I have often talked about moving our family just to do something different. So I was curious if you guys

had a particular reason for doing it or maybe it was a job or etc. But mainly I just want to tell you, please keep making this podcast. I look forward to it every single week. It's a highlight for me. With postpartum depression, you don't see a lot of light.

You don't feel a lot of light. And this for me is light, even if people say it's always talking about hard things. Because you know what? That's life. It's hard. So keep doing what you're doing. Thank you. I also love when Abby's on.

I adore her. Thanks for everything, guys. Bye. Kimberly. Kimberly. Thanks for talking about depression. I know it well. I know it well. And because I know it well, I have no advice for you about it. I just get it. Why did we leave Florida? So there's so many ways to answer that question.

Well, she actually asked why you moved to California. Oh, interesting that you phrased it as, why did we leave Florida? So I guess that's the answer, right? Okay. Wow, that's so interesting. Okay. So, well, I mean, maybe that's how we start then, is that it really felt more like the first priority for us was to leave Florida. We chose California, but the impetus was that we felt like it was time to leave. And in a lot of ways, Florida was good to us. I moved there from Virginia because I had neurological Lyme disease and I got really, really sick and I needed to be in the particular climate that Florida had. So I moved there from Virginia. I moved there. I moved there. I was a lot of the whole family there a decade ago or something. And I am not sure. We lived in Florida in a very, very, very, this isn't the right word. I want to say a very conservative place, but that's not even the right word. We basically, I mean, I will describe it as we lived inside of a Trump rally for a very long time. And that manifested itself in many different ways. But I think that basically what I would say is after a very long time there, I felt like I was like in a toxic

relationship. I truly felt like I was in a toxic relationship, meaning that some markers of toxic relationships are when you start to feel crazy, right? We lived through COVID in Florida where, you know, as my kids say, like, we didn't have science. Like, we just didn't have science. We just didn't believe science as a culture there in our town. And, um, mask wearers were shamed and just a lot of stuff like that went on. And we really did start to feel like we were the crazy ones after a while. Another sign of a toxic relationship is when you're angry all the time. I was angry all the time. And I felt like because we had taught our children to speak up when horseshit is happening, like racism or homophobia or abalone.

or any of that, we found ourselves constantly feeling militantly aggressive all the time. Like every time there was a dog whistle, at every soccer practice, at every bus stop, at every, we found ourselves constant, to the point where we started wearing just t-shirts, we figured one strategy would be is if everywhere we went, we just wore Black Lives Matter t-shirts, if we just wore our gay t-shirts, I mean, we have the greg, glaiest closets you've ever seen because everyone just sends us their gay shit. So if we wear rainbows everywhere, we go, then, remember when we were little and we had those signs that people would put in their windows for kids walking by that were like, this is a safe house?

Like, it was a signal that you could come to that house if someone was, if you were in a dangerous situation. We had to wear like anti-safe shirts. Like this family, not safe for racism, homophobia, dog whistles, but like literally our family would walk up places and everything would go silent. People would stop talking around us. So after a while, one of our kids, you know, being a gay family there too, like one of our kids came home, told us a story about something that had happened. And I got upset and this child of ours said, well, mom, this place doesn't love us. And babe, is that the day? It was like I was thinking back to my own free. freaking book. I was thinking back to Untamed and the line that was like, these doors aren't even

locked. Yeah. Like these doors aren't even locked. Why are we staying here? And because we have an immense amount of privilege to be able to move. We just decided, oh yeah, that's right. We have this one wild and precious life. And we don't want our children to be angry and gaslit all the time. Yeah. A lot of things were kind of converging at the same time. This story happened. We were were like in the midst of COVID. And like you said, we have, we have privilege to be able to like choose to move when these things started to converge. And I think that having lived here for so long, we forgot that like we chose to live here. Yeah, we're making a choice. We forgot that this was our doing, right? And I think COVID brought to the surface kind of a lot of the things that

we actually want to leave in our, in our past. Yeah. We understood that we were angry for, we don't have to be angry all the time, right? We understood that we didn't have a lot of friends because in almost all the circumstances we found ourselves in, when you walk up to a group of people, let's say we're on the sidelines of soccer fields. And then all of those groups of people literally stopped talking about what they were talking about, which was some sort of Trump thing. Whatever. Who knows? Whatever.

It becomes very isolating. And then like you don't want to go out and you actually don't want to get to know people because you know that they voted against your family and your personal rights. Like this is not like the kind of politics we're talking about is different than Republican and Democrat. No, it wasn't that. Right. Like that's not what we're talking about here. It was fundamentalism. It was fundamentalism. It was a celebrationalism. It was a celebrationalism. It was a celebration. It was a celebration of everything that we stand against. It's like that meme that says before you decide you're crazy, be sure you're not just surrounded by assholes.

Yes. Thank you. And then also that it's not about the assholes. It's about you. It reminded me of the decision to leave my marriage where it's like, how could he do this to me? How could he do this to me? It was like every day I was like, how could Florida do this to me?

How could Florida do this to me? And then it was like, no, no, no. How could I keep doing this to my? Yes, that's right. Florida is just Floridaing. Yes. Florida has never pretend to be anything else. Florida is Florida. Unless is why is your ass still here? And the commitment that we have to each other and our marriage and our life is that we want to keep evolving. We don't want to stay stagnant, right? And I felt like that that was probably part of what we were unearthing is that we just kind of felt like, well, nothing is going to change unless we change it. So that's right.

When you can't, I mean, and by the way, when Glennon decides something, there is like whiplash. Hell hath no fury. Everybody get on the train. It's leaving the station in three, no fury. Like when I figure out the doors are not locked. Yeah. It's like she literally walked outside.

I was sitting outside. I'll never forget it. She just said, why are we living here? And I was like, you mean in this house? And she's like, no, why are we here? And I'm like, we're here because that's where you and Craig live. That's why I'm here. I lived in Portland and California before.

Like, that's why I'm here. And so she just like kind of opened the door. She's like, why don't we move? Where can we move? Where else can we move? And I'm like, well, there's no way Craig's going to get on board. So lo and behold, Gleta not only has a way about her. She is just relentless.

about knowing what she knows and thank God for you because we are in California. This is where I belong. Yeah. What a hard sell. Hey, Craig, you gorgeous, gorgeous, like, very eligible. Yeah. Man of a certain age who loves to be outside and exercise. Do you want to leave this place where you're living in a retirement community?

Yeah. Or move to Cali and like surf on the beach. Not a hard sell. want to move. And I knew that he always had this little dream to live in California, too. That's why, because I actually, if you remember, babe, I didn't care where we went. That was not my, my intention was, we're going to get the hell out of here. I just knew in order for everybody else in the family to be on board, it had to be, I had to consider the destination that everyone else wanted.

Yeah. And then Craig was like, no takebacks. No takebacks. We're going to California. He was so excited. And then the kids, we thought that it was going to be so hard to get the kids on board. Chase was leaving anyway, okay, going to college. And I think that had it not been for COVID, it never would have worked because what we all know is that, you know, for me, the consistency was

so important for the kids because our kids have been through so much change that the consistency of the school and the friends and all of that is really the true reason we were saying. But after COVID, consistency turned into a joke. So there was nothing left keeping us there. But You know, what I would say is that I also tend to be suspicious of myself with destination happiness, right? That like, oh, I'll be happy if I'm living there. Oh, I'll be happy if I go there. Or, you know, in terms of, I just think it's important to consider that this idea of like, bloom where you're planted, whether it's a work or a relationship or whatever. Like, we are not plants. Like the difference between human beings and plants are that we can move.

Yeah, it's literally the difference. Right, right? Like, I'm not a botanist, but I feel like bloom where you're planted might be an important thing for a plant to remember because they have no choice. Right. That is motivational, like realistic for a plant. But for a person, that's maybe a cough out. Or small plants. Right.

Because a person can go. right legs instead of fruits all of that so um you can plant yourself where you'd prefer to bloom is what i mean well i'm saying wherever you go there you are yeah that's first damn sure but here's the thing i mean i i i get that wherever you go there you are however glennon and i value in our marriage in our life and what we want with our life is we value learning new things and and learning new things about ourselves. And so we choose to put ourselves in new places to have new experience so that we can be and introduce ourselves to different parts of who we are that we'd never knew.

And we're doing that right now. And so Glennon and I, we're having a new experience individually and also collectively that's actually shaping our marriage in a completely different way than we ever knew. So because of that commitment, yeah, we're able to actually know each other better and different. and more fully. Yeah. That's true. And that's cool what you said about the being like just a different trying on different things of life.

Because I feel like that can be the case even if you aren't able to or don't want to have such a dramatic move. Like you can introduce little things to your life that kind of change what you've gotten used to that doesn't feel correct. Yeah. In little ways. Like I've started going on bike rides with Bobby. And it's like, really. Are you serious, sister? Yeah.

I got on a bicycle built for one for the very first time since I was like in elementary school. And we go on little bike rides. And it's so cool because he, it's this thing that never happens in our dynamic where he like leads and I have to follow wherever he goes. And it's fun. And I just feel like there can be little micro things like get you out of your normal routine that don't involve for. example, a transnational move. Yeah. So what is your California? Yours is a bike ride. That's so cool. I love it. Yeah. Well, okay. It's good. Low budge, California, people. Well, I want you to know, sister, that I also rode my bike yesterday because Abby, so Abby, we found a new vibe for ourselves,

which is that Abby can run and I can ride my bike. And probably at the same pace? No, no, no. Oh, sister, Abby, tell her the first third. I was, I couldn't keep up with her. I was on my bike. And she was like eons ahead of me. You were like, what are this little like mice that are like, exactly. But in your defense, there were a lot of ups on the way out. There were some ups. But I was trying to encourage her sister.

So I was going by her saying things like, you can do it. Good hustle. I was trying to be a support system. It was great. Okay, I wish there was a crystal ball to tell the future sometimes. I'm sure anyone who runs or wants to start a business would totally agree. Fortunately, there is a lot of tools out there that can help you if you find yourself in this position, including one of our sponsors, NetSuite.

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business guide, demystifying AI at netsuite.com slash hard things. The guide is free to you at net suite.com slash hard things. NetSuite.com slash hard things. Okay, on to the next question. Hi, Glenn. My name's Matthew, and I'm calling today with the question about how can I stop being such a people? I've spent most of my life living to try to keep everyone around me happy, and I've started my journey to do hard things by trying to make myself happy. But I don't really know the best way to start. So I'm hoping that, you know, after listening to your podcast and your audio books, that I can get some personalized help. to begin this process. Thank you for all that you do and have a wonderful day.

Oh. Babe. You think you wouldn't mind taking this one for Matthew because I am not. I'm a people displeaser. You're a people displeaser. People displeaser. Yeah. Okay.

So I, ironically so, I didn't have the language around this until recently, actually. I actually came home from a run And somebody was talking about it on an audio book I was listening to And I was like, wait, what are the signs that you're a people pleaser? And if you don't mind telling me, if not, it's okay. It's okay. Yeah. And every single thing that this author was saying just matched me, right?

And so what I got home? What was the book, Abby? Do you know what the book was? Yeah. So it's Oprah's book called What Happened to You. Oh, cool. Yeah, and she talked a lot about people pleasing in that book and how she's a massive people pleaser.

And I was like, well, first of all, it's kind of cool to be like Oprah in any way. But it was the first time I'd ever considered that I was actually a people pleaser. And look, I came home and I talked to my wife about it. And she was with full of grace and just said, honey, like, yep, I can see how you might think that. And the thing is, I really love making people happy. It is part of what makes, it's like my superpower and also I think my Achilles heel. Because sometimes I forego my own happiness for other people's happiness. Is that what you'd consider the definition when you're choosing?

Yeah. Like I think that it's going to be obviously very vast for who you are. Every person's different. And my personal definition is for sure that. Like that no matter what I'm always considering, first of all, your happiness, honey, over my own. And I'm willing to like, I'm willing to suffer like literally like, literally like, like right before we recorded this podcast, you are making a cup of coffee. And we do the pour over coffee and you were about to overflow.

Oh my God. And so I didn't want you to feel bad about messing up your cuff of coffee or spill it. Like I didn't want that to feel bad for you. So this is scalding 2002 degree temperature. temperature coffee. I just, I put my hand underneath. It was unbelievable. To catch the coffee. This is a different episode, y'all. This is not people pleasing. This is some kind of crazy-ass, crazy-ass situation we have going on. There was like literally, and of course, like, I got burnt and we had this thing and it was like too much. And that was because I wanted to help and please her.

at the risk of my own hands. So, sweetie pie, love of my life. Yeah. How, for Sweet Matthew, okay, can you offer us any tips on, I think it's important to acknowledge that if you're a type of people pleaser, every personality type, every characteristic is a beautiful thing and a hard thing. Mm-hmm. Okay.

Like, if you're a people pleaser, it could be at a time. root, a beautiful, beautiful wish for other people to be happy. Like, that's what you have, babe. But when it crosses over into something that is a weakness, can you give us a tip or two about how to rectify those so that you, so that you are one of the people that you are pleasing? Yes. So that you are the first person you are pleasing.

Right. I think. Glenn, it's like, don't take it too far. Well, I don't want her to be completely cured of this situation. No, no, listen. I think having a boundary around your own personal wellness is highly important. It's like the most important boundary you can possibly create, in my opinion. Correct.

And the ability to say no to somebody, because there's usually people in your orbit that you are more inclined to want to please than others, right? And so finding those people in your life and making sure that you aren't being triggered to please them, And so you might have to practice the art of saying no or I can't with those said people that you have now identified in your orbit as those who in which you want to please the most. Now, I'm still working on it because I've just recently listened to this book and I've just recently figured out I am a people pleaser. Is it a good practice to even make a list of people that you, to take it like less? less big and airy and make like, okay, well, who are the people I'm trying to please constantly? Yeah. Even making a list.

My people are you and strangers. Okay. So I think that's the oddest thing. What the heck? It's the oddest thing. Like, I swear to you, I can be, what is that someone come on the show and talk? Because I can have the hardest conversations with the most intimate people in my life and set really hard boundaries. Somebody on, some random person on the street.

Hey, hey. And I'm like, I will never see you again and look at me pouring out all my energy to you. What the hell is that about? It is the weirdest thing. It is the weirdest thing. So identifying who the people are or what the things are that you're trying to. And then just like make sure that it's in alignment with your wellness. I think there's also this other little bit of people pleasing, which is something that I fall into sometimes, which is that when every, when your only tools a hammer, every problem looks like.

a nail. It's like that kind of thing. When someone has a problem, when there's any problem presented, it's like that's my kryptonite. I'm like, I can tackle problems. But it's like I fail to have the initial barrier to entry, which is like, is that my problem? Is that, is that my circus? Are those my monkeys? Like what is? Because that's, there can be this problem over here. And I can be like, oh, man, I'm so sorry. That sounds like a problem. And actually I have to restrain myself because I'm like, I could solve that problem. I could solve that problem.

Yeah. I could fix that. And that is like a boundary that I think creeps into people pleasing that it's just not everything is yours. Yeah. To feel, to fix. To solve. To enter into. Yeah.

To enter into. Here I am, that energy of wanting every single thing. It's a worthiness thing for me. It's like how I get, I think that maybe I get my worthiness in pleasing or helping people fix their problems. So it's just make sure your inner circle, your bullseye, Matthew, like Abby said, that you're taking care of you. And then figure out your next cocentric circle of the people that you really, with your value system, want to please. Honor. Honor.

Honor. Honor. Honor. Because pleasing suggests that we're doing every whim that they have all the time. Right. That we're just, whether it's healthy or not, we're just please it. That's not the right word. Yeah.

Honoring is so much better. Honor yourself. Honor your first circle around you. Because it's also like something that will be pleasing to another person might be actually against their interests and against your relation. Absolutely. I like that very much. thinking of people in in concentric circles because we have had issues.

Abby does like to please strangers, right? And so she does. I know. I just want to give like an actual practical example of this. So in the beginning of our relationship, let's say we were at a soccer tournament or something with the kids. And people, we call it the Soccerazzi. Okay.

At some point, you're going to see that the entire soccer tournament has just figured out that Abby Wambach is there. Okay. And the children start coming. The parents start coming, right? There's this moment. And this was a very hard thing for us in the beginning of our relationship because Abby, it's not, it's beautiful. Like, Abby cares deeply about these children that are, you know, inspired by her, about these families that. But in terms of people pleasing, it's not like you can just keep pleasing everybody and there's no cost to it. You are often deciding, am I choosing them or am I choosing me in our particular situation? It was very, it was semi-traumatic for our kids because we are there for their soccer game.

And now suddenly it's not about them anymore. It's about Abby and it's not about like whether Abby's concentrating on our children or we're having a mom. it's that we're pleasing these strangers and we don't want to disappoint them. So we're choosing to disappoint our kids. So my point is that when you figure out your circles, you realize, oh, if I'm ever given a chance to please those strangers or honor my kids, the decision's done. Right? I think that happens. Sorry, go ahead.

It's painful. Like I see Abby have to do it at tournaments, at the mom, wherever we are and say, I'm sorry. I'm with my kids right now. Like this is a mom moment. I'm with my kids right now. And it does disappoint the people. But our kids feel it. I can see it. They walk a little strong. Like they feel safer because they know she's going to protect that circle. Yeah. Yeah. And practically speaking, I feel like that happens a lot in people's everyday lives with work. Like with, you know, the saying yes to work, saying yes to work as if there is not a cost to that too. And the saying yes to that. means very often saying no to your family commitments or time with your family, et cetera.

And so I think that's an interesting part of it. The other part of people pleasing and saying yes to things, if I say yes to this, what is it requiring me to say no to? That's good. And then counting that in your analysis so that it's an intellectually honest thing. Exactly. That's good. Exactly.

Having the intellectual honesty to know that every yes is a no and every no is a yes. So make sure that you're acknowledging both each time. And just figuring out, like, what is your problem? What is your, what is it, is it, is it your actual problem or is it not? And like sometimes if it's not actually your problem, it might not require you to put the cost in or sacrifice to engage. All right. Thank you, everybody. For your child, as the school year continues, patterns start to emerge.

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Go to strawberry.comme slash we can do hard things and try a coaching session for 50% off. Strawberry. Because your career should feel good again. Next. My name is Lauren. I am a mom to two kids. I have a two and a half year old and a 10-month-old, and I struggle with play. I end up keeping one air pod in all day, just listening to your podcast or

audiobooks and just trying to white knuckle some... There's a kid yelling right now. Just trying to white knuckle some semblance of independence and adult one-sided conversation. And I guess I just feel a little guilty that I might be missing out on this time with them by being one foot in and one foot out, or is it okay to not love the pointless questions about crayons and Plato at this point? So just hoping for a little advice, trying to be mindful,

but also trying to be a human. So thank you guys. Appreciate everything you do and keep up the hard slash good slash important work. Thanks. Lauren. I hate playing. I hate playing. I don't play.

I never played. I won't play. I'm not going to play. Playing sucks. Playing is the worst. You don't have to play. Okay? It's okay for adults to do adult things and it's okay for kids to do kid things and it's okay to parallel exist.

Okay. I want to tell you a quick story. Yesterday. And Abby, you can back me up on this actually. Okay. My entire family comes to me. I don't have anything to do. I'm done with my work day.

I have nothing to do. My entire family comes to me. And they're like, we're going surfing. All of them. Craig, Abby, Chase, Emma, Tish, all of them. And I look at them and I think you have nine more days with your son at home. Your entire family is about to go have this amazing experience on the beach. And you get to walk and watch them all together in this beautiful moment that you

you will never be able to recreate in the last few moments of your son's time. And then I thought, nah. And you know what I did, Lauren? I said, have fun. And I sat on the couch and read a book. Okay? And thought a couple times your ass should really be watching Jay's surf. One day you'll regret this. And do you know what I thought, Lauren?

Not today is not that day. Today is not that day, Lauren. So all I want you to know is even when it's easier, even when all I had to do is sit on the beach and watch my child. I'm still not doing it. And to you, I say, it's just that you're sane. That's why you don't like talking about crayons all day. That's why you don't want to play Play-Plateau. I grant you permission to know. not play, Lauren. I don't even want to ask your opinion, sister, and Abby about this, because I just feel right. Well, honey, I just want to say this and only this. I hope you don't feel guilty about choosing to stay home and read because she sound guilty to you? Do I look like a guilty woman to you? Did I misspeak? No, you just said I might regret this down the line. And I might feel guilty about this. You literally just said that. So I just want you to know, like, we had a blast. we got a blast without you. Nobody missed me.

I think I meant I might regret this. Were I a better person? But I'm not. Yeah, I might. Another human, another more evolved human might regret this. I just would offer one tidbit from my, I struggle with this very much too. And my kids are still small enough that it sounds like Lauren and my kids are the same age. The, my therapist has talked to me about this.

because I also can't do it. And I've been doing this new thing of reframing that time. Like, because it's just so senseless and such a freaking waste of time. All of it. All of it. And it makes me so crazy that I'm like, yes, I'm acting out. I am Winnie the horse. Yay.

Like, I can't. Literally last night, the horses. And so, but now I'm reframing it in my head as a productive. act of bonding. So I'm like, I am not spending precious time in a senseless, ridiculous way. I am actively bonding. Look at me. Look at me bonding. I'm bonding now.

Okay. But can it be a short thing? It's always a short thing. I'm like, God, of course it's a short thing. Okay. So Lauren, like eight minutes. That's so funny, you guys. All right. Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to move on to some rapid fire questions. And I just have this deep feeling that we're going to suck at this. Yeah.

Well, bring out the suck. We're going to try. Like, we can't be good at everything. Okay. So. I can be good at everything. We'll see. We'll see.

Lauren sent us these questions just now. I'm going to read them one at a time. And what rapid means you all is fast. Okay. We've never done anything fast on this podcast before this is our first time. but I think we're supposed to answer these quickly and not have like a dissertation on each one. Did you say Lauren our producer, Lauren? Yes, Lauren.

We love Lauren. Okay. Ready? Are you too ready? I feel very ready. Okay. Number one. What are your thoughts on astrology and what are your signs?

I don't know anything about astrology except that my sign is Aries and it seems pretty freaking dead on. Fire. Terror. Crazy. Yes. Okay. You're not crazy. You're goddamn Aries. Yes. I am a Gemini through and through. I know very little about astrology. We got our astrological signs red or something at some point. And I thought they were speaking in a different language. But I'm into it. And I'm like, I'm into like whatever. Yeah. It's cool. If it works, it works. Cool. Yeah. I love it. I believe in everything a little bit. and nothing all the way. Okay? So I'm into it. If you tell me you're going to read my things, I'm there. And I will find a million reasons for it all to be exactly dead on. I am a Pisces. I think as far as I can tell, I'm a Pisces, like, through and through, right? Because I think we're just kind of like dreamy and airy and creative.

Aren't you on the cusp? Well, on the cusp of Pisces and areas, which is why I'm a little bit of an asshole, too. Right? Right. So I'm sweet, but also kind of an asses. whole. That's so good. Okay. Love warrior, right? And both. What's your morning routine slash practice? Sister first. Okay. You better get your notebook because this is some best life shit. Okay. So first, I'm trying to think, okay, every morning first starts with a very, very late night. Even though I've sworn to God, I will not go to bed that late anymore every day. Okay. So number one, important to go to bed very, very, very late. Second, important to lay in your bed for one hour of not sleeping while you're perseverating

on everything that you failed to get done that day. Also, figuring out how you're going to get the kids out of the house, depending on the origin of the fire, and also how to remodel your bathroom. Number three, very important to also sleep too late just in time to wake up. that you're late for everything and that you can immediately start scampering around making sure everything was done 10 minutes ago. And then you're not able to because you can't speak until you've had three cups of coffee. So try that and it'll not work for you too. I feel like I actually think that my morning is better than yours because I have older children.

Is it possible? Yeah. My kids are older. Here's what I need you to know about morning is my best time. Morning is my joy, my deep joy. Every night I go to bed and my last thought is eight hours till coffee. Like that's, I don't know what the point of life is except for that first cup, that first sip of coffee. Like I'm serious. I'm not trying to be dramatic. No. I don't know. When people tell me they don't drink coffee, I don't understand what they're living for. And also, it's just, there's superheroes. People who don't drink coffee, I just don't understand how they function. It's like, it's like an electric car, like cars that don't need gas, like people that don't need coffee. It's confusing to me. That's my morning routine. That's all that matters to me is

getting to the coffee first. Babe. I wake up. I pee. I brush my teeth and I walk the dogs. And then you hand me my coffee, which is my favorite thing. And I sit there for 20, 30 minutes. And then I go in a run. What did you want to be when you were little? Sister. Important and change things. I wanted to be an FBI agent. I think I wanted to be, I'll say, I think I wanted to be a teacher. I always wanted to be a teacher.

And I wanted to be pretty. That was very important to me when I was little, that I was understood that it was very important to be, to grow up and be a pretty, woman. God help me. What is something you're tired of in your own life? That I'm tired of that concept. I also, the thing I'm most tired of in my own life is compulsive thinking about food and body. Being resentful. The thing I'm most tired of in my own life is like the daily little things that parents have to do to make sure that the family runs and

functions like get groceries or like there's the I'm tired of like those little chores like right now getting a California driver's license like that is first of all it seems impossible because I can't get an appointment online and registering my car feels impossible it's just like those little have to do things I'm tired of right now yeah death's 5,000 cuts yes yeah yeah This time of year, I am always looking for my sweaters. Luckily, Quince has all of the staple sweaters covered from soft Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like designer pieces without the markup to 100% silk tops and skirts for easy dressing up to perfectly cut denim for everyday wear.

I can't tell you how much I'm loving my quince cashmere sweater in this gorgeous oatmeal color. It's become the thing I grab almost every day. held up beautifully. It still feels soft and it honestly looks way more expensive than it is. You know how frugal I am. And I've started picking up a few quince pieces for home too. They have travel bags and sheets. Their sheets are awesome. 10 out of 10. Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Don't wait. Go to quince.com slash hard things for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com

slash hard things to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash hard things. Do you cook often? What do you like to cook? No. No. Yes. I cook often and I like to cook everything. Right now, we just got a little outdoor grid and fried rice is my jam right now. I appreciate so much that you cook for us. Thank you, Abby. You're welcome. Kiss story. Wasn't what you expected. Sister? Uh, seventh grade, middle of the day, beside my best friend's house. And it was awesome. And Facebook just teed him up as someone you might know. And indeed I do Facebook. And he lives in Florida now. So anyway, great job, Brian. Oh, Brian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember

Brian. Oh, my God. Brian, I thought of him for so long. It was a great. It was a great. Great first kiss. What's the, it's so rare. Like, I wish my first sex was, you know, it's like a good first kiss. Lovely. Lovely little memory. Yeah. My first kiss was on the path behind my elementary school. I was in fifth grade. And everyone was daring me to kiss a boy named Kyle. I remember Kyle. And we just like met, I don't know, like, like, it was like, like we were like, it was like West Side Story. Like our gangs were behind us, the girls and the boys. And then we walked toward each other and then we kissed. Was it a French kiss?

I think it was like a little teeny bit of French. Okay. Okay. A teeny bit. And it was less than earth-shattering. Okay. It was all that I remember. Because it wasn't about the kiss.

It was about the day or it was about doing, like, you know, doing anything. You were representing your gang. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Babe. Ew.

Also, ew. Is this macaroni group? No, it happened a little earlier. I think I was in six or seventh grade. We were in my bedroom and I played on an all-boy soccer team. And so this is one of my teammates. His name is Pat. Yeah, his name is Pat.

And we entered into the kiss and I wasn't prepared for the French part of it. And so also I didn't know about the French part of it. And so when he was jamming his tongue into my mouth, I felt offended and, like, confused and like, why are you doing that? Why is said tongue, why is your tongue in my mouth? Please see prior sexuality episode. I was offended and I didn't understand later in my life, Q Macaroni Grill incident. that, oh, maybe that's why it felt offensive is because I didn't want that tongue in my... Yes.

It's the particular tongue. Yes, I see. Okay. Worst fashion trend you were ever a part of. Oh. Okay. I would say for me, I was part of the unfortunate overtweezing trend of the early 90s. During that over-tweezing trend, I tweezed an entire hole into my eyebrows, which I still fill each day with an eyebrow pencil.

So this is what, like 30, 20 years later. Yeah, you said this is a beauty episode. Yeah, I'm still paying. I'm still paying for that trend. I also have seen a couple pictures lately where I permed my hair and then covered it in. sun in. That'll do it. Because when you are a dark brunette, you think that your sun is going to turn you into a platinum blonde, but really it changes you into a pumpkin orange. Orange. Yeah. So, but the cool thing was that my pumpkin orange hair was also fried with a perm. And then I straightened my

bangs out. And I don't know if you remember that trend of the rolling of the curling iron, the top half of the bangs. And then that. And then the rolling, the wave, I believe, the curling of the bottom and then the spraying of the aqua net. Just like a rock hit you right in the middle of your forehead. Right. That's right. With the, but the good news was that I also worked at a tanning salon. Okay.

So, so like all brilliant high schoolers, I worked there for free. So that all they paid me in was skin cancer. Was cancer. Okay. That's right. So they paid me by allowing me to poison myself with their UVA raise for free. So I had orange hair, orange skin, fried halo of what I thought were curls. Don't worry.

All of the perms were also at home perms. That my aunt Stephanie did. Every 60 days, even though you were definitely only supposed to do those like twice a year. Remember those pink plastic, like tampon-looking things with the rubber band over? And I'm sure you were doing it just as manufactured required. Oh, my God. And I was always convinced I was one bottle of sun in or perm away from being Alyssa Milano on who's the bus. Like I just really felt like I was close.

It's so close. But I look at pictures and I think, oh, sweetheart, you were just so far. You were just, you were. Okay, you guys, we're going to, can we, we'll do some more rapid fire next time, but I just, I really, I don't want to miss our pod squatter of the week. Yes. This week. We've got to get to our pod squatter. Let's do it.

Hey, Glennon, Amanda, Abby, everybody. I've just literally had to stop doing the dishes and have to stop your podcast just now to call and say that I can. can tell you about a hard thing for me in my life, thanks to your freaking podcast, is that I have been telling everyone I know to listen to your podcast. And slowly they have been trickling in. I'll get a text from a friend. Oh, my God, started the podcast. Love it.

La, la, la, la, la. But it was slow. It feels like a lifetime for me of me constantly asking, my dear friends. And everyone on Facebook, by the way, I've been blasting your name everywhere. So anyway, it's been a hard thing for me to wait for people to listen to the God damn podcast. So, there we go. And I just thought, I would tell you that.

And also as a side note, and I don't mean to be creepy here, but Amanda, you are so pretty. And I just wanted you to know that. And my wife knows that I have a little bit of a crush on you, probably even my son's know what I mean? I just loving you from afar. Anyway, love all you guys. You're amazing. Thank you for what you do.

My name is Kylie. I live in Boise, Idaho. Okay, thanks. Bye. No, Kylie. Kylie, we need so much more information from Kylie. I love Kylie from Boise, Idaho. And has anyone, has a woman ever told her she has a crush on you before?

I mean, not, not in a decade or so. You're blushing. Not in a decade or so. Hashtag, hashtag, hashtag, maybe. I was going to say still got it, but not sure I ever had it. So hashtag newly got it. Got it. Kylie, you made sisters day.

Kylie, I love it. And my favorite telling people to listen to this goddamn podcast. Kylie, we love you. love all of you. Thanks for doing life with us. And we will see you back here next week. We will hear you back here next week. We will talk at you next week. How about we'll be back. We'll be back. We will be back next week. In the meantime, you can do hard things. We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcast. Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't, don't worry about it. It's fine.