We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - California Love, Sex Fantasies & How to Know What to Do (in Bed)

Episode Date: September 16, 2021

1. The amazing life hack that has Glennon and Abby replying “Yes” to social invitations. 2. Glennon acknowledges her sexual fantasies … and TRIES (but fails) to share them. 3. Glennon talks about how she “knew what to do” the first time she and Abby were together. 4. The best and worst parts of Glennon and Abby’s big California move. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Whether you're doing a dance to your favorite artist in the office parking lot, or being guided into Warrior I in the break room before your shift, whether you're running on your Peloton tread at your mom's house while she watches the baby, or counting your breaths on the subway. Peloton is for all of us, wherever we are whenever we need it. Download the free Peloton app today. Peloton app available through free tier or pay subscription starting at 12.99 per month. Hi everybody, welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things. Here we are together again. I have to just start by telling you all that all of us, Abby, Amanda, me, Alison, Dina, we actually spent a lot of time listening to your voice

notes over the last week. And I, I truly don't know what to say to you. I love you so much. I have not felt this connected to a community since the beginning when I started blogging. Like I just love this community that is listening so much and your thoughts and your ideas and your responses and your stories are so deep and beautiful. And I, so many of you called in after we had the talk about maybe we would lighten up and begged us not to lighten up, said you want to keep talking about the hard things. You've come to the right place.

Yeah. I don't think that there's any other choice. That's what we're going to do here. Well, if you notice that the easy things that we have said and claimed we were going to talk about, ended up being hard things. That's right. We can't do easy. We can't not really do it.

But we can make easy things hard. That's great. And we will continue. We can promise that. We can promise that. And I just want to tell you that I, you know, I'm freshly reminded every time I listen to or read your stories or, you know, tell my own, frankly, about how tough life is, about how freaking hard life is about how freaking hard relationships, being a citizen of this world right now, just existing inside of our own skin day and in day out how hard it is. And I don't really know how to make it easier.

I just know that the only thing that's ever worked for me is to keep telling the truth about that. You know? So I don't all I can promise you is that we will keep showing up. We're going to keep showing up here. That's our promise to you. You will have a place to come and listen to all of the messy gloriousness of life and we'll do it together. That's all we've got, but I think that might be all we need. Right? Amen. Good.

So, y'all, you are now California, California folks. How is it going out there? Yes. You've had, you've had what? I'm with three weeks now, four weeks now, something like that. No, seven weeks. I think, oh my, I think we've been here for seven weeks. I have so many thoughts that you will be shocked.

It will be shocked that I've thought this through, and I have things to share about. I mean, I have to tell you this when we first came to visit here when we were really considering a move. So we're standing in the street of this cute little neighborhood in California, trying to figure out where we're gonna live. Okay, so Abbinar is standing and we're waiting for the street of this cute little neighborhood in California, trying to figure out where we're gonna live. Okay, so Abina are standing

and we're waiting for the real estate agent, we're just standing there. This woman bounces out of her house, okay? And she looks like something urgent is happening. So Abina's attention go immediately to her. She walks out into the middle of the street, stays six feet apart from us, okay? Cause California is nothing if not extremely

Responsible about things such as this, okay? she says Are you Glenin? And I said yes, I am Glenin and she said, okay I have to tell you that I am sitting right there and she points to her porch Um, I have to tell you that I am sitting right there and she points to her porch. Finishing your book untamed right now. Like I literally finished the last page of your book looked up and saw you standing in the middle of the street.

And I said, oh, I know. That's why I'm here. I come to everybody's house when they're done. With the bus. She really said this. This actually came out of her mouth. So that we can just talk about your feelings. Like, if you have any feelings after the book or you need to talk, like, I just make sure that I show up. And she just stared at me for a good minute.

Like, she was actually contemplating this possibility. And then she kind of smirked. But that was my kind of welcome to California. And I, here's the deal. I feel like I wrote Untamed. And I was like, OK, this is who I am. I know who I am now. And I am an introvert. And I am a am. I know who I am now and I am an introvert

and I am a little cranky and I am need all these boundaries and I am gonna just make my boundaries and live this way, right? And then I realized that I was getting kind of too boundary. I think we talked about this in the boundary episode, right? That I just, I felt myself feeling, it was like the more boundaries I made for myself, the more anxious I was getting not less. Okay. And so I just felt like, you know, I see some older people and I just feel like I felt like I just want to fight the urge to make my life a bunker, if that means,

if that makes sense. Like living where we were living felt a little bit like building a bunker, and I needed to fight this like, self that I have, that given its druthers would just never leave the house, would not know anyone, would not put myself out there, would not. So we moved to this place where, I mean, you all, we live, our houses are like right next to other houses, we have a no yard, we have no, we are, we are basically in what to me might as well be New York City. Okay.

There are people everywhere. Abby was scared, were you scared that I might lose my mind more? Yeah, I mean, you're anxiety. We were talking about this the other day. You give me some of that because I know how you are in social situations. So I get anxiety about you getting anxiety.

Yes, I have, anxiety can be contagious. Yes, I got it. Yeah, yeah. I'm worried for sure. Yeah. And so I, sister, and I'm worried for sure. Yeah, and so I sister I Just feel this this amazing awe and joy because I love it

Yeah, I am surrounded by people all the time I Hear the buzzing of the cars and the people walking by constantly. I walk outside of my house And I don't have a yard and it makes me feel like, oh, I see, we're sharing this space. We are all sharing. It's like, I don't know how to explain it other than when you have, it's almost like the idea of suburbia compared to city.

It's like, when you think that you have land ownership, you think that's gonna give you more peace, and then it actually gives you less because then you have to defend what you have. And it's yours. And then it's like more fences, more gates, more whatever. And you think that's gonna make you feel less scared, but all I can tell you is like to me where we were living before is like

standard ground area, right? It's the like, literally, literally. Literally, yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. It was standard ground. So it's that taken to the extreme. Like more fences, more boundaries, more walls, more weapons, more whatever will make us safer and from each other. And it made me,

I didn't like, I was starting to feel that and I just, do you know what I mean? And now we're here and like everything's communal. It's like we're sharing. There's no control. You don't try to have control because there's clearly no chance. It's like if I can't control it, I don't try. And it feels, I don't know. And I just, I'm 45. Like, I like thought that I knew who I was. And so it's so cool to have this experience of, you know, it feels like what we make our environments based on who we are.

But actually also, our environments help define who we are. But actually also, our environments help define who we are. Right, like I have changed my environment and it feels like it's changing who I am. And then we have, we've been having like things with friends, we've been trying social, how has that been going? Well, I've discovered this unbelievable situation, which is that you can start what you want for your social life from scratch. Like, we got this invitation to this get together. And it said, come over, we're having a little party, and it's from five to eight. come over, we're having a little party and it's from five to eight. Oh, amen. Sister, I was like, wait a minute. What? Like, you can tell people when to leave.

Like, this has changed everything we've done since then. We put an end time on. Like, you can come, can you come at four? And can you leave by seven? Like, can I'm going to come, we'll come, we're going to four? And can you leave by seven? Like, I'm gonna come, we'll come, we're gonna be there at six, and we're gonna leave at 8.30. And it might be a little weird at the beginning, just because, and it's only weird because people don't do that normally. But most of a social engagement,

I spend feeling anxious that no one's gonna leave. Yeah, or if I'm there, that when do I get to leave? Like. Or, or if I'm there that I, when do I get to leave? Like, I need my entire life is really about getting back to the couch. Like my entire day, my entire life is really aimed towards when can I be back done with what I need to do and be on my couch. Really not even watching a show just flipping through trying to find a show, something. I don't know. And if you're out like with a friend

or at a party or something, then you're also navigating trying to be polite and not wanting to leave too early or not wanting to stay too long. Like these are things that people are going through. Internal, I mean, I know it because you are. I don't really ever think about this stuff. I'm like, I don't want to be here anymore.

Do you want to go? But you're always thinking about not hurting anyone's feelings. I... Not hurting anyone's feelings. Yeah. You're feelings and the kids' feelings and all of that, like you're much better at that than I am. Or also maybe a little worse. I don't know, it's better or worse.

Yeah, exactly. It has its challenges. But my point about this is that we can, you know, what we come back to all the time, this idea in my life that is relentless that structure liberates. Amen. Having a structure for social things has liberated me to feel, to enjoy it.

Right? So I just am putting out, at permission, to add an end time to your social invites. Also, sister, we, we don't like nighttime. We're non-drinkers, we're early bedtime people, and I don't like this thing. We're all social engagements have to be at night. Yesterday morning, we had an unbelievable double date with this new two women.

And they came at 8 a.m. They came to they came at 8 a.m. They came to our house at 8 a.m. and just hung out for a few hours. And then why not? Why not coffee? I'm not good at night. It's an arbitrary time. This goes, I know we're talking more about sexuality to today. And I feel like that goes with the arbitrary assignment of night time to make out. That was a silly way to start things.

Oh! It doesn't work. It's not my best moment is at the nighttime. So why not other times as better times than that? So yes, that, I think I'm in support of that. I like that. OK, that's a good segue, sister, because what I'm saying is just like we talked about

with sexuality is we can ask ourselves who we are socially. Mm-hmm. Right? What kind of social being am I? Like, am I not a social being or do I just not like nighttime parties? Yes. Because actually I loved our date yesterday, Abby. Did you like the morning?

You know, we, what we talk about all the time is nothing good ever happens after 10 p.m. Or eight. Sleep is what happens after 10 p.m. Like that's good. That was like when you texted the last night for bed and we're three hours later than you. So it was, you know, it was 10 o'clock my time and you texted a selfie from your bed and I was like, I'm

sorry, is it at 7 p.m. where you are? When the kids are at Craig's. And you said, oh yes, it is, but don't worry, we're going to bed right now. Don't worry. That's like, I've never heard of such a people. They're literally in bed at seven o'clock, the hour of our Lord going to bed. Yeah, that's a tell you. Well, because Glennens up at 4 a.m.,

making this content, thinking about books and how to keep the world or set the world on fire. I'm making this content thinking about books and World or set the world on fire. Well, I do not I'm not following other people's structures not for sex not for social things Not even other people's what you got even the sun, not even the sun. She doesn't respect the sun Stop trying to boss me Oh, you just keep on going along with Don to Dask not glenning. That's right. That's right. I reset the sun and all of its insistence on trying to control my life. With it comes an immense amount of privilege, right? We don't have little kids, right? And sister, sister, you're consumed with small

children in your life and your rhythm of your life is so different. So we're kind of in a beautiful phase where our kids are old enough and they sleep until 12. Yeah. That's good. That's a dream. Babe, I want to hear all about you.

And can you just give us a quick update on how you're feeling about California? I know I talked too long. I'm sorry, I just felt really excited about all these new selves. About me. About me. Yeah, like how are you feeling about California. I know I talked too long. I'm sorry, I just felt really excited about all these new selves. About me? About me covering. Yeah, like how are you feeling about California? I'm loving California. And the whole thing that I feel is just relieved

that you trusted me and that you actually love it. You know, I mean, the fact really remains is that I am now experiencing California in a completely different way than I did before. I was more of a night owl, not sober, and so I didn't experience the daytime. Like I'm experiencing now. Or clarity or health or exactly. Vision. Or so our family has become a surfing family which I also didn't anticipate.

It's just so cool. Like there's some miracle that happens when you're able to do a similar athletic slash risky, slash spiritual thing with your kids at the exact same time and then they try to take a wave. And all you know is that when they go down under the water and they come up, their bodies already turned to look at you. And they want to make sure that you've seen them do that thing that they just learned how to do in like the last month. There's, there's, I don't know, there's nothing. It is a

fucking miracle every single time to me. And you know, I actually, I don't know, there's nothing, it is a fucking miracle every single time to me. And, you know, I actually, I choose not to catch that next wave, like it's a good wave. I'm like, oh, I could get that. Because I am dying to see Chase and Emma and Tish, like come out of the water and light up and just like have that, like, did you see that, you know? I mean, for me, that's spent just like, it's worth every ounce of energy. It took us to get here and, and, and earned penny. It's been awesome. So beautiful. And if you all could listen, if you could just see

Craig Malton on his longboard out there in the California, I mean, Craig is living his best life. Yes, he is. We are all so here for it. He's just, I mean, Craig is living his best life. Yes he is. We are all so here for it. He's just, I don't know. He just seems, does he just seem like, like even sunshineier, like he just feels, he seems more alive and.

All of us are. Every single one of us are more alive. We're all walking around. We're moving our bodies differently. We're like experiencing the world. There's just something about this place that I think has brought all of us back to life in a way that I don't even think we knew that we weren't alive. Yeah.

I thought, I think in Florida, I was like, wow, I'm living my best life. And like, now I'm in California. I'm like, wow, I really wasn't. Isn't it? Yeah. And I think it's like change. It's like, it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be, you know, insert California here, but it could be whatever it is. It's just like trying on something new of your life

and seeing what takes is it very cool. And I think that I would bet that it's not even, it doesn't have everything to do with where we are. It's the presence that, it's like why some people love to travel. Or, you know, when you're in the same, same, same, same, it doesn't require all of you to make it through the day. But when you're traveling or you're in a new place or you're trying a new experience, it takes all of you to to make it through the day. But when you're traveling or you're in a new place or you're trying a new experience, it takes all of your presence, you have to be there to to to navigate.

Right. And so that aliveness is probably that that's an aliveness that can be cultivated by trying anything new. Yes. And you're expecting new things. I mean, even when you're in an old or, you know, static environment, there's new stuff happening all around you, but you're not expecting it to be new, so you're not noticing any of it, you know? Yeah. It's like when you're in a place where you're expecting to be full of wonder and experiencing new things you will.

Yeah. I'm Jonathan M. Hevar. I'm a podcast producer and someone who likes fancy things. But I grew up working class. My parents were immigrants with factory jobs. And because of that, I think about class a lot. And I want to talk about it. That's what we're doing on my new podcast, Classy. And what did you all eat? You know, trailer food. I was like, girl, we're not doing that anymore. You'll hear from people who told me awkward,

embarrassing, and strangely intimate things about what class means to them. She said, you know, for the house cleaner, I hide the tag on the $6 bread. And I just thought, don't you think she knows that you're wealthy? You're hiding the tags from yourself. Classy.

A new podcast from Pineapple Street Studios. Available now. Wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, speaking of wonder and experiencing new things, let's answer some sexuality questions. Let's do it. From our amazing episode on Tuesday, I loved it so much. Who are we hearing from first? We are hearing from Sasha.

Hi, I'm a Sasha. I have a question about, I guess, truth. Kind of a big one. But I'm a clear woman. I did it mostly men. I'm in a really strong partnership now with a man, and I appreciate that, and I'm also scared that if I don't use this queer side of me or if I'm in a relationship that doesn't look like this queer side of me, then I'm not being true to myself and that will come back to get me later. So I'd love to know what you think about that. Thanks for taking this call.

That's fascinating. We hear versions of this question a lot, don't we, babe? Mm-hmm. About people who either are bisexual or queer or pansexual, choose a partner, and then worry that, and a part of themselves will forever be unexpressed, unexplored, some people don't feel that way at all. Some people choose a partner and feel

like their entire sexuality can be funneled and channeled with that person. What do you all think? First of all, I love that Sasha is so honest with herself. And I don't know, I think she sounds lovely. I like her. What do you all think? I think that it would be interesting to like pull the pod squatters in terms of their

age and the generations, if you are in fact queer, generationally I think that the mindset around this is very different, right? So I'm like the older gay crowd, kind of grew up feeling really a lot for the bisexual queer community because I grew up in a time where you had to choose and that trans and bisexual people actually got the worst of the wrath in many ways, even from the folks who claim themselves to be gay or lesbian. Because we felt like, well, if you are it, then just be on our side, right? Or like, you just can't decide. Choose a side. Choose a side.

Choose a side. You're either with us or against us. Yeah, but I think that that's really not only naive, but it's short-sighted and narrowing to the full experience that people, A, want to have, and B, feel that they are having. I've got a lot of trauma around this because I historically only dated bisexual women that ended up always leaving me for men, right? So there's also that part of me

that I have to be super upfront and honest about. And quite frankly, we had dinner last night with a person who was like sexuality, like it's more fluid. Like our generation is just like you are what you are every night of the week, like whatever you choose. And if you are in a committed, wonderful partnership, that doesn't mean that that's going to be forever, or it does. If that's what you choose, right? Like, I think that we're in a time where you get to make your choice day in and day out for what feels right. And I also know that generationally, all of us have kind of opinions based on our own

experience and what we grew up with. I just think queerness means a whole lot more than just like, I'm into the other gender too. And I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like queerness is a whole way. And like, it's a whole way of being in the world. It's why people, you know, really, the love is love thing bothers people so much

because it's not all about relationship. It's about identity. It's about who we are in the world, how we think, how we move, how we fit in and don't, who we hang out with, how we see everything. So you get to claim that that's part of your identity. It doesn't have to all be relational, right? You never have to abandon that regardless of who you choose to partner with. And I think one of the things to commit to inside of a relationship is just, I don't know why I want

to say this as a social, but just like, talk about it, right? Like, I think like intimacy with a partner comes also with just like making your insides known, you know, so not feeling afraid to share some of this fear and like confusion and whatever with your partner because you just never know what magic will come. You know, ways that your relationship can get queered is what I want to say that doesn't even have to do with other partners. I don't know. I just think that expressing that identity in all the ways that it means to Sasha is just something that she should never abandon and never think that she has to base on who

she chooses to partner with. And no, and no, the receiving end, right? Like the partner, your partner might feel fear around that. I feel that because of the trauma that I've had in my relationships around queerness and of course it's based on my insecurity of hearing it, but being thoughtful that it could be hard for your partner to hear. Like I have these other parts of me that I might want to explore. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So we've got, okay, this is

a question that we received some form of this several times. Okay. So in some iteration of this, okay, this is one particular. Thank you for telling us in your sex episode about the first time you and Abby slept together. But I have to know Glenin, how did you know what to do? I had to pick this one. We did get it a lot because it reminded me of, I have said this to people before because one of my closest best friends from college, she came out to me like the year after college or something like that. And it was one of the, she just got her first girlfriend and we were talking and it was one of the first things I said to her. Like, honestly, it was baffled. I said, how did you know what to do? And she looked at me and she said, how did you know what to do? And it, and I never had occurred to me how I knew what to do. And I

realized that after that, that question is so, it's so packed because it suggests that like, one way is natural and just known and like you're bored knowing it. And the other way is somehow unnatural and abnormal. And you have to like, it's a product of science or something, but the other one is just like a product of how we're made. And then I just realized that the truth is that like

for any kind of sex, we all either found out what to do because somebody told us or because something showed us or because we just fumbled through it enough to figure it out. Yeah, I tell all of us figure out that. That's it. And two things about that. It's so funny when we think, well, yeah, I mean, heterosexual, you know, sex is just natural, right? So we just know what to do.

But like actually, I don't, when you think about it, like, that doesn't actually make logical sense to you. I'm like, I have a vagina. Like I have boobs. Like wouldn't it be make more sense that I would know what to do there than opposite? Like I literally don't even have a penis. Like why is it more natural that I would just know what the hell to do with a penis? Yeah. Like logically it makes sense that I would know how to make a vagina feel good. Right? Like is all I'm saying? Like if you take away the conditioning. Right. I've had an normative, it actually makes more logical sense. It's like when you,

when you feel, when you feel music that makes you want to move, it's like, well, how do you know what to do? It's just like there's this, if, unless you're, there's choreographed dance, right? So like, you have to watch someone and be trained. Okay, so that kind of sex equivalent of that would be like the kind of sex we try to recreate when it's choreographed by porn culture, by movies. Like we have watched enough things to know, okay, I'm supposed to arch my back like this. I'm supposed to move like this. Like this is what a woman does. This is what a man does.

This is how I'm known. This is how I say, like that's choreographed by our culture. Right? But there's also a different way to approach sex, which is what I think what we're trying to do. I mean, I'm constantly trying to detox, untame myself from that, from choreographed everything, right? And just be like, well, what does my body want to do?

Like what noise am I naturally making here? Like, obviously, we know, a silent sex queen, I haven't nailed that yet. But like what, or maybe my natural self is silent, okay? But what I'm saying is the goal for me is to not know what to do. To just allow complete surrender. I think that is what ideal sex would be to me, just not tapping

into anything that's been conditioned, right? That's all just like hearing the music and letting my body do whatever the hell it wants to do. Also, you guys, I just answered that question with so much, you know, deep spiritual wisdom. But then I just remembered something. And I feel like I have to say it because yeah, I always want to be as truthy, truth as possible. So all of this, like, I just want my body to move with the music.

I just had flashes of myself, like, when Abby and I were preparing to meet each other at LA, and I remember reading this book on a plane about what to do. Yeah. Well, that's what I mean. That's how all of us figured it out. I feel like that's honest.

It's not like, because you honestly what my body wants to do. Yeah, my body wants to go to sleep or eat a cookie. I don't know what my body knows what it wants to do. Okay, right, so thank you. So I just needed to actually, I do remember being on a plane and reading some orange book

that was like, it had some information, helpful information about like oral sex. And I also remember putting it inside of a different book because- You could also just say sex by the way, you don't have to say oral. It's like, I think that I remember. I just remember I was at that detail.

I know. I was focused on that in the moment. I just really wanted to be good at that. I know, but I just don't want to get, I think that in gay culture, we get... Yes, sorry. Yeah, so I just want to be clear that sex is sex, right? I had a row normative that sex is sex, right? I had a normative sex like we,

then it becomes whatever. Right, I have, thank you, Pam. Thanks. That was good. Okay, all right, our last question is a write-in and it's been making me sweaty so I wanted to avoid it so I'm doing it. Okay. What are the elements of sexuality you still want to explore? Okay, so I'm going to talk about this thing that I am completely still baffled and just desperately

sweaty about that even with my own wife, she sometimes asks me to talk about and I don't know. Every time she asks me to talk about it, I want to like pull a fire alarm or like just fake a heart attack. Like I just want to do anything other than talk about the thing that she has brought up, which is this whole world of fantasy. Like when you say what is your sexual fantasy? Like I am so confused about sexual fantasy because and here's what I'm going to say because I'm reminding myself right now, Glenn, and that you are in a basement bathroom, but there are so many people listening to you right now. Bye.

Um, I don't understand how we can have these sexual fantasies, or that are so enathema, that are so opposite to who we are as human beings. Does this make sense to you? Like, I'm just talking about a friend right now. Okay, I'm not even talking about myself. Okay. But like, okay. Just, oh God, oh God.

This is normal. This is normal. I don't know how to talk about this. I think what you're saying is really interesting because you have sexual fantasies. Your problem is to say some of the sexual fantasies you have out loud to me. Yes, that's what I'm saying.

Because they feel so contrary to what like if someone else said that you'd be like, you're a horrible fucking person. Yes. Yeah, you're a bad person or you're not a feminist or you're not in love with your partner or you're not like, they are things and also the part of fantasy that I don't trust or like that makes me feel like I have to keep everything, like, like they're shameful or something, is that it feels to me like most things we dream of, or we say, I dream of this, or I fantasize about this, it's something that you would want to happen in real life.

Is it true though that you would want some of these things to actually happen? No. But we've already talked about that, so that's why I get that. I'm scared. I'm scared it's like a gateway drug to real life sex. Like it's like, it feels to me like even if I said, okay, this is sexual fantasy that I have, but I don't want it to happen in real life.

Like is that believable? Like is that, is everyone gonna trust that? Yes, everything is that bad. How many people do you need to trust that? Make yourself an athlete. Okay, so that's pretty like, I don't know if Charles across the street is gonna trust it, but I don't think you care about that.

Okay, so my general question about fantasies, which by the way, I need them, I need someone to answer them before I am willing to move on in this conversation. Yes, anyway. First of all, it's very normal from what I've read to have sexual fantasies that are very almost, almost even upsetting to you that are contrary to your belief system that are not, there's also. In line, right. They're not in line.

And I am a person who has spent her whole life trying to get integrated. Okay? Who has been trying to, but babe, I'm trying to explain why this is tricky for me. I'm not just being difficult. I'm saying the word, if the person asks, what are you interested in exploring? This whole idea of sexual fantasy is very interesting to me because it's out of integrity. I mean, I get it, baby.

I just think that like in the end, part of this process is to keep learning and trusting yourself that you are good and that you are allowed to have these fantasies no matter what the fuck they are. And that maybe you'll never want to share them with me, but that your fantasies are personal to you. And that's beautiful.

It's a beautiful thing. And look, we'll take it slow. You don't have to tell me right now. Like maybe in our five year wedding anniversary. Who knows? Maybe. Well, I have a question. If you have, if none of your fantasies

are to be acted upon and you don't want to see any of them in real life, then I don't, what, what, what good is a fantasy? I don't understand the purpose of a fantasy. Exactly. Well, I think that's what I would like to know. OK, so that is what I would like to know. What is the purpose of fantasy? Although I do think there might be a raised level of intimacy between two people, but just by sharing them.

Yes, at the point. A better sexual experience knowing that maybe this is now going to connect us, like maybe we're both thinking about the same situation that is not actually happening, but could be happening or that we're creating this fictional scenario that could peak a little bit of this interest for you. Like, there's so many different ways to approach it. But in the end, this is still your fantasy, right? And like, what is it worth? I don't know.

I mean, Glennon, you live a very internal life. You live very much in your head. You live very much inside. And so to me, I want to experience every part if you are willing, I want to experience every part of your internal world and your mind and the fantasies that you think of, like, even if it's fleeting, like, I want to know everything if you're willing to share. of like, even if it's fleeting, like I wanna know everything if you're willing to share. That's nice.

I'm still, I mean. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. What is fantasy? What is the purpose? I don't get it. I understand if people are like, I have a fantasy to do X.

Then maybe, yeah, I can understand that. Then maybe like, you wanna be brave enough to be like want to do X. But if it's just this like obscure thing that you're imagining. But don't you think that sexual experience is part of, it's part energy, it's not just the physical it's for mental and it's imagining. So so when when two people are in a sexual experience together, if they're both, even if they're not doing anything, that's about this fantasy, they're just both imagining it,

that can be completely enchanting and just arousing, right? And sister, I think that could be interesting for you in the wanting to explore more of your heterosexuality or just your sexuality in general, is to think more deeply about some of these fantasies that you may or may not have, like I'm not trying to force them on you, but that even if it's not something to actually be acted upon in real life, but it's something that you're envisioning or imagining during the act of sex,

that's also an experience. Wow, so you guys, this is a hard thing. Okay, you all we could not choose one pod squadder of the week because we felt deeply deeply in love with two pod squadders of the week We think you will too. Let's hear from our first pod squadder of the week Jan Bring it Jan my name is Jan and I just have a comment regarding orgasm I really think that we just complicated so much. We're just in our heads and we're worried about our bodies

and how we look and all these things. And at the end of the day, it really comes down to self-confidence and trusting your partner. And that's it. It's really simple. Just let go, just relax. I like everybody else. I had terrible sex up till my 40th birthday. I married my second husband. He came in my life with all of these confidence and a bag of tricks. Tricks I never knew existed. And then I just followed

him. I was like, you know what, he's telling me what he likes something and telling him what I like too. And I became a goddamn cheetah. And I am moaning and enjoying it. And he makes sure I get an orgasm before he gets an orgasm and we use whatever we need to use. And I have fun first first and then I take a turn of him and we have a blast and we have been doing this for 10 years. I'm going to be 50 years old and I am having the best sex of my life. We just need to be relaxed and be confident and just enjoy it. We're all beautiful. Love you all. Jan. Jan. Jan. Jan. Jan walked right on over to the other side. She made it into the exhibition.

Yes, she did. And she. My favorite part of that whole thing, well, two parts, but my favorite part was like everybody else. I had terrible sex until I was 40. I got that too. Like I just, it's so liberating. Yep.

It's 50. I liked the bag of tricks part. All right. We apparently need to find partners who actually care about our orgasm and we'll do as she said, whatever it takes. And even if it, even if what it takes is a bag of tricks. And her sentiment, I love her sentiment. I think that one thing I would just add, she said, you know, to have self confidence

and trust in your partner. I think that I think that what has to happen first, I mean, sometimes we do have self confidence issues, but we have to trust ourselves. We have to really trust ourselves. And I think sometimes it helps when a partner can help you trust ourselves. We have to really trust ourselves. And I think sometimes it helps when a partner can help you trust yourself. But what I heard through this is that she finally just started to like settle into her own self

and let somebody help her get there. But like this is all on you, Jan. Like you did this for you. Yes, Jan. And did you hear? Did you hear her say she got, she said what she wanted. Yeah. She said what she wanted. She said what she

wanted. Jan Jan Jan is a verbal sex queen. That's even better than a silent sex queen. Okay, let's hear from our second pod squadron of the week. Maddie Maddie. My name is Maddie on Mathifan. Listen to you guys obsessively. But I just wanted to say that I was listening to your podcast about the sexy questions, farewell to faking it, and my check engine light came on. So while I was listening to it in the car, I ran to auto zone and actually had someone check my check engine light

and forgot about it. And when he got into my car and turned on my car and checked it, the first thing he heard instantly was, no, I've been taking all the guys with me in prior life. And he kind of turned and listened, listened to me and looked back like am I so stupid to listen to him? And then I started bubbling on my phone, I got my phone on the ground, I was trying to pause it and it just kept going and it was amazing But it's hilarious to watch a grown man sit there with the most awkward

Sace you've ever seen your life not knowing what to do because the conversation was just so honest I could tell he's never had an honest conversation like that But I just wanted to pass that along. I love you guys. You guys are wonderful. Thank you for all that you do. You all, the no more faking orgasms revolution has hit auto zone.

Yeah. If we can make it there, y'all, we can make it anywhere. I just, I would love to have any footage of when that man went home that night and the conversation that ensued. About. Given a body shop, whole new meaning, people. All right, Maddie, we love you. Thank you for that story and everyone listening. We love you. We can do hard things, is produced in partnership with cadence 13 studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts,

especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't, don't worry about it. It's fine. you