We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - Chanel Miller Promises: We are Never Stuck

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

1. Thinking of depression as a way of seeing the world … through toilet paper roll binoculars.  2. Why healing might actually just be permission to go.  3. Chanel’s definition of success: refusing to succumb to perfection or exhaustion–and showing up as herself in every moment. 4. The healing moment when Chanel returned to Stanford and was held in sound–which set her free.   About Chanel:  Chanel Miller is a writer and artist who received her BA in Literature from the University of California, Santa Barbara. Her critically acclaimed memoir, KNOW MY NAME, was a New York Times bestseller, a New York Times Book Review Notable Book, and a National Book Critics Circle Award winner, as well as a best book of 2019 in Time, the Washington Post, the Chicago Tribune, NPR, and People, among others. She is a 2019 Time Next 100 honoree and a 2016 Glamour Woman of the Year honoree under her pseudonym, “Emily Doe.” IG: chanel_miller To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Whether you're doing a dance to your favorite artist in the office parking lot, or being guided into Warrior I in the break room before your shift, whether you're running on your Peloton tread at your mom's house while she watches the baby, or counting your breaths on the subway. Peloton is for all of us, wherever we are whenever we need it, download the free Peloton app today. Peloton app available through free tier, or pay subscription starting at 12.99 per month. We can do a hard thing. Hello, everybody. Okay, everybody. Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things.

Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things. I already said that. I already said that. Okay. So sometimes, we always say we're excited about episodes, and we always are. Yes. We love doing this.

We love our jobs. But the person we're interviewing today, when we started this pad, which feels like about six years ago, I had a top five people list of like, please, just these five people. And this person is my top five persons, people. And I'll just tell you, her name is Chanel Miller. Okay. And so I met Chanel how I meet people which is through their books. Like I don't actually meet people in real life. I prefer books

because you can meet people without people. You can close them and put them away, come back to them when you're ready for more people. So I met Chanel when I read her book, know my name, okay. And I read the book which is about Chanel's assault at Stanford University. I read that book because I wanted to be a witness to that story. And I got about two chapters in. And I remember, I think it was probably Liz Gilbert, because that's who I always call with book situations. But I just remember calling and being like, holy shit.

Like I thought I was reading this book to witness a story. And what happened was that I was introduced to one of the great thinkers of our time. Her writing, her artistry, the way she, with such precision, analyzed and viewed the exterior world and explained it to us. And then, analyzed and discussed her interior life in a way that I figured out, oh, this person's going to help us heal. Yeah. Not from just this thing, all the things. This person is a, is a person who has figured out how to heal herself and in doing so because she she's sharing is gonna help all of us. So, Chanel, I don't want you to feel any pressure. I just, you've had that 47 minutes to heal us.

Ha, ha, ha. Do you think you can do that? Yes, easy, easy lemon, squeezy. Oh, hey! Yeah! Chanel Miller is a writer and artist who received her BA in literature from the University of California, Santa Barbara. her critically acclaimed memoir, Know My Name, My Top Five Books of All Time,

everyone who's listening to this podcast must buy and read this book. Was a New York Times bestseller, a New York Times book review notable book and a National Book Critics Circle award winner, as well as the best book of 2019 in time, The Washington Post, the Chicago Tribune, NPR, and people among others. She's a 2019 time next 100 honoree, and a 2016 glamour woman of the year honoree under her pseudonym Emily Doe. Chanel! Thank you for doing this. You're getting me. Thanks so much for having me.

It's so nice to be looking at both of you. Let me tell you when Glennon was reading your book, there aren't many times when Glennon comes into wherever I am. And it's like, can I read this to you? Honey, please, can I read this passage to you? And so I downloaded it and I listened to it because I was training for a marathon then. And I feel like I have your voice in my ears,

in my brain, in my heart. So thank you for doing that, you know? And also, you are a true artist. I know, but I'm so excited to talk about your art. Because the last time we had a conversation, Chanel, we talked about writing and healing. And so I want to talk about art and healing this time around.

When you were writing, know my name. Your therapist told you to focus on pursuing pleasure as part of your healing. So first of all, that's awesome. I love that so much because it feels like we don't focus on that with healing a lot, that we keep going back, like we dig backwards towards the trauma. And we were recently doing it interview with Esther Perrell, where she talked about, you know, sometimes it's not returning to the trauma over and over again, You know, sometimes it's not returning to the trauma over and over again, but adding joy and connectedness with others that actually heals us.

So tell us about that time when you're a therapist. She asked you to start going to art class, right? Yeah, well, she literally suggested I go to one of those gymnasiums full of trampoline. And I was like, oh, you really need me to loosen up if you want me bouncing off the walls. So I thought maybe I'll do a dialed down version of that. And instead I signed up for a narrative illustration class in San Francisco right by the Harbor, which is basically comic making. And so after writing,

I would take my little Prius over there at night and make comics in this class of seven people. And we would just translate what happened in our days into these daily drawings. And that's when I started noticing things that were happening in my present life outside of the story that I was telling at my desk. And that's what taught me to pay attention to the fact that life was still moving forward. And

one of the comics I made, you know, we were fostering senior dogs at the time. And since we were in San Francisco, we lived on a really slanted hill, and a lot of our senior dogs couldn't control their bladders. And so every night, they would pee on one side of the house and wake up, and it had chicheled under the table legs, like through our router under the couch. And every morning, I, like before writing, I'd have to move all the furniture, clean the floors. But then I would, I'd do that first, then I'd sit down to write, and then I go, and I get lost in my court world and dark world. And then I go to this comic book class and sit down and be like, what comes to my first? What comes to mind is that my dog peed all over my floor this morning.

And that cannot be lost. And I spend the evening, you know, coloring the pee in with highlighter. And that, that's me putting myself back inside my day, right? And now that little year and that trickle of year in, bringing that to the front of my mind is what's going to keep me moving. And that's, it doesn't seem like it's pleasure. That seems like a nuisance, right? But that's the stuff that's grounding me while I'm getting, you know, swept away in these really big themes, like sexual violence. It's like, no, bring it back to yourself. So that's what you're saying is like all these things were happening.

You were swept up because what you were spending your day was writing no, my name, which was about trauma. Mm hmm. So going to that art class was that your way of insisting that you were still there. Insisting that I'm still there and that things are changing because when you're in your past you feel like you are stuck and I you have to look at the small changes and even like it's helpful to go on a walk. If you walk the same loop of your neighborhood every day,

I would challenge you to look for the certain factors that are different each time you walk. You have to know that life is in motion, and that it's impossible to get stuck even if you feel that you are. Wow, it's impossible to get stuck even if you feel that you are. And so that art does for you are. Wow, it's impossible to get stuck even if you feel that you are. And so that art does for you that it convinces you that change is still happening. Right? Yes. The

world is still spinning. What else does it do for you? Well, yes. So art is, is what forces me to pay attention, right? To these smaller changes. Art also helps me because when I create these creatures or people, I create really whimsical odd landscapes and beings. And I think about how, if I am to put my pencil down and mute myself and not do anything at all. If I am to give up on myself, I would also be giving up on all of them. And I will never do that to them. I will always ensure that they have a place to play and that they're let out, that they're not cooped up inside of me eternally. And so protecting them, the things that I make is non-negotiable. And that helps me respect myself and my work. Oh my gosh.

To have an interior world, I think the beautiful metaphor here is all of us have an interior world. Some of, I think the beautiful metaphor here is like all of us have an interior world. Some of us don't know how to draw. Some of us don't know how to even create beings or this whimsical world you talk of. But we do have an internalized space that if we don't get out of ourselves, then we are only actually living in our past. Like we are not able to create a day or create something that could save us or heal us. Like that is so fucking amazing. What do you feel like your art does for other people? Because it's just so interesting. It feels to me like you're the kind of artist who would create no matter what, even if no one else saw it. Right? Thank you.

That feels very clear to me. And you also say that there's this byproduct of your art of any of all art, which is that art is what creates empathy. That I think you said art requires imagination and imagination is the key ingredient to empathy. Can you talk to us about that? Yeah, I'll say this. When I wrote my victim and back statement that I read in court, it was meant to be for about 30 people in a tiny courtroom in Palo Alto. That's it. And then when it was released, it went out and millions of people picked it up and changed the course of my life.

And after that I realized for a long time I'd ask myself, doesn't matter what I say or what I make or what I do. And after the statement went out, I learned I had to put that question doesn't matter to rest. Because the answer is always yes. And it's yes to a degree that is so much bigger than I'm capable of comprehending. And still today, I don't think we will ever, ever fully realize what we mean to other people. And so we're not allowed to knock ourselves fully or declare our significance or insignificance because all the time, like I still get in my head, but then I'll be walking through parking lot and target this happened to me. And a woman will come up to me and say that she's proud of me or that I changed her trajectory. Like, I just learned that it's what we do in the way we move people is not for us to define or fully know. But that has just like vast and incredible, all I can trust is continuing to make this work

and put it out there and not worry about so much about where it lands, because I trust especially by now that it's being received somewhere. It sure is. I'm Jonathan M. Hevar. I'm a podcast producer and someone who likes fancy things. But I grew up working class. My parents were immigrants with factory jobs.

And because of that, I think about class a lot. And I want to talk about it. That's what we're doing on my new podcast, Classy. And what did you all eat? You know, trailer food. I was like, girl, we're not doing that anymore. You'll hear from people who told me awkward, embarrassing, and strangely intimate things about what class means to them.

She said, you know, for the house cleaner, I hide the tag on the $6 bread. And I just thought, don't you think she knows that you're wealthy? You're hiding the tags from yourself. Classy. A new podcast from Pineapple Street Studios. Available now.

Wherever you get your podcasts. You said a while back that one of the scariest parts of your post life after the assault, that now you were going to be given this identity, that this is what people were going to talk about. Do you feel that the world has seen who you are in the way that you want them to, or do you still feel too tied to what happened to you instead of who you are? I think, you know, with identity, you think it's going to be a bad thing that you're tied to. And I realized over time, there were so many good qualities that I'd built inside the realm

of the assault that I was proud to be tied to. And so I wanted to say that's me. And I felt so proud that I had finally come to a place in my life where it wasn't like, please nobody find out that my name belongs in that news article, it's like, no, that's me. Like I did that and I'm still here. And I feel so honored that I've been able to claim that identity, but yes, I do still struggle with fully fleshing myself out. I was going to ask you all because I'm like on the cusp of 30. And I know that's so like heck a youthful. But I am still so nervous. I don't know why. I think my 20s were so fragmented. I was forced

to grow at a really exponential rate. Like everything felt so raw. And I'm, and then when you're 30, it seems like you just have to make even bigger decisions than you did before that have even longer term implications. So I'm wondering where are you all right at 29? Like what ideas you had about your life, like what ideas you had about your life, what you got wrong, the misconceptions, because thus far I've pretty much had been figuring it out right now, I'm like on this thing. I really don't know. I kind of came here to ask you.

That's so funny. For me, I think that the beginning of a new decade always forces us to kind of analyze and evaluate how the previous decade went and also like, oh shit, I've got a whole other decade ahead of me, hopefully. And so it's daunting to go from one to the next. I can tell you that I was doing kind of abnormal things at 29, going into my 30s. She was like winning gold medal soccer.

Yeah. But also, what people saw on the outside was not what I was going through on the inside, because I think that I had this notion that I was supposed to have it more figured out than I did. I was pretending to have it more figured out than I did. And that caused a lot of suffering inside. And so I was drinking way too much. I developed alcoholism, probably had it through my whole life, if I were to be truly honest. And so I didn't know anything.

I thought I was building this life. I thought that I was doing it correct. And then when I hit 35, I surrendered and got sober and realized actually, I don't know shit. And we still don't. Yeah. So I have these days last week. I Thursday was my best day because my Thursday was think about Chanel day. So I, because I, this such an exciting, different thing for me, like interviewing people and I find it's such a ridiculous honor. And so I just get, sometimes when I'm really, really just excited or honored about someone coming, I just have a full day where I'm like, just think about this person, you know,

read them, think about, I went for a walk on my beach here. I went first and I'll thinking, okay, literally. And here's what happened during my little walk. Okay, there was this little girl and she was digging into the sand. And I got a little close so I could see and she wrote, Melody is here. Okay, Melody is here. I think she meant Melody was here. Like, but it was so beautiful. Melody, and I thought, oh, there's this little girl. And she needs to see herself.

Like she needs to, I was here. Like Melody is here, right? And that reminded me so much of you, just like the inner stuff, putting it on the outside and how beautiful it is. And then a couple feet later, there was this woman and she was carrying around a plastic bag and I've seen her many times

and she just walks this little thing and picks up trash. So, because that reminded me of you, I stopped her, I said, what are you doing? And she said, well, this is just like my little block. I just keep my block beautiful. And it reminded me of you because, you know, you always say, when I get overwhelmed, I just remember my little corner. What can I do to make my little corner of the world beautiful? And then,

no? Five feet later, I got stung by a fucking B. Do you remember when I called I was like, I was having this beautiful like, spiritual, Chanel metaphor, and then I got stung by a fucking D and I couldn't, I was limping, I was so dramatic. And that's all I can tell you Chanel about life is like, say I am here in one way or another, like reveal yourself, clean up your little block. And no, you're always getting stung

by a fucking D anyway. Ha ha ha ha ha. you're always gonna get stuck by a fucking bee anyway. That's so funny. What you said was kind of really interesting to me that the melody wrote, melody is here. And oftentimes we are so focused, especially as we get older, to have some sort of legacy. And so when we get older, we write, or we think Abby was here. And the idea of having a child's mind about our lives is, I think, so important that we are here now in this moment. So Abby is here. Chanel is here. Glen is here.

How are you saying is here now? How are you that little girl now? How are you each day saying Chanel is here? Okay, well, I wish I had a beach that I don't. Yeah, and hats. And that's something that I'm still figuring out. And okay, well here is a loaded word because I take pride in being here in any way. Like presence was success. And it didn't matter what it looked like. It didn't matter if I flubbed up my words, which I did a million times. What mattered is that when each time I was summoned, I drove to the courtroom, I had a semi-wrinkled sweater on, and I would go in and speak to the truth thing I knew. And I kept doing that, and I did it imperfectly, but I never went away. And I realized so much of what Quar was was it wasn't even about getting it right.

It was so much more about endurance. And I realized that so many of the oppressive forces in the world are just waiting for us to give up. And if I just keep showing up, even when I have a horse voice, like, I'm still always going to be here. And you can't make me feel shame in any form that I appear. So that should be pretty intimidating. Because I just feel deeply comfortable with myself in all the years that I am. I will always just keep showing up as I am. As I figured out, like I said, I'm 29. I have no flipping idea with the next decade holds. I feel like I just figured out the last one kind of. But that's all right. And I think it's cool that now I have this timestamp

in 10 years I can listen to this and think like, wow, I didn't know so much. Yeah. Wow. I mean, just as long as there's no supposed to, I think the supposed to of the decades are what screw us. Mm-hmm, right? Mm-hmm.

You're like, oh, and in my thirties, Here's what's supposed to happen in my thirties. I think when we make decisions from supposed to, that's when we get all screwed up because we force it, you know. So when you talk about hearingness being enough, presence being enough, it makes me think of your mural. So to those of you who are new to Chanel, Chanel had one of her art pieces which cracked me if I'm wrong but I think it's a 75 foot mural titled I Was I Am I Will Be in the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco where Chanel's mother used to take her, and she was little. And I love it so much, because it's such a beautiful description or illustration of the healing process. And I love so much how you talk about the healing process as something that is just absolutely cyclical and always happening. Can you tell us about those three characters and kind of take us through them so people

listening can get the gist of what you were trying to teach us with that? Yeah, so there's a few characters. There's I was, I am, I will be. And the character begins or climbed with these tears coming out and slowly sits centered and then kneels and gets up and walks away. That's what the gallery looks like. And the characters are very simple. And I want to tell you that when I was asked to fill this wall, I went off and did really intricate drawings to fill the wall because I thought this is my one and only chance to show you that I'm an artist, right?

Flesh out my identity. And so I did like elaborate plants and people and character design and they said, well look, it's a really big wall. It's covered in glass so you can see it from the street. So it needs to be really simple, like a billboard. And they showed me an example where this artist had done like one stroke of black with like three letters. I was like, oh my gosh, I cannot. It's so I don't have that yet.

It's too simple to just say, yeah, this is what I did in I'm an artist. Like I, I felt like I needed to show you like look at all the things I can do, look at my skill set. And so I want you to know that just to strip away all of those elements to get to the very simple piece that is up now, took so much work in confidence and trust that this will not be my only time to exhibit my art, right? So that's a part of the piece too, is that the simplicity of that bold black line, the fact that it's only two colors, means that Chanel also trusts that in the future she will make more work. Wow. It makes sense. It makes sense. It's the the plight of all women everywhere.

Right? It's like, I gotta give you one shot. I gotta give you everything I've got in order to make sure I can stay here. Yeah. But what a beautiful lesson to say, no, I have more to give. And I have to trust in that future self to be able to give more when it's asked of me. It'll be there. It'll be there.

It'll be there. And in doing that, it's such an interesting thing because it was up for the whole pandemic. So everyone walking by, got to see the process of healing, of we are now on the ground, we are sitting in the present, we will be standing up again. And it was probably the simplicity that healed so many people of it, right?

So it's like, there's a form of art that's like, look at me. Look what I can do. And then there's this other form of art that is truly service because, you know, this idea we say that writers say make simple things seem complicated, but like really good writers make complicated things really simple, which is that piece. Oh, and by the way, like Chanel is also that as a writer. Yeah, the best way to do it. The way you can do all these different mediums of art, just is mind blowing. In fact, we were reading all the things about you. And can you tell us about

the time in college you have friends your literature friends and you would do metaphor battles? Oh, so good. It's like eight miles but like naked nerdy. Yeah, so we would be walking, doing from class and we would have these metaphor battles. So I would like point to street lamp and my friend would be like, oh, glowing pineapple or like moon holding its breath, like sucking it in. So it's an oval or you know, it's like I I love doing that because it kept your mind super elastic and it was so fun. I mean, even writing the book, feelings, awful feelings aren't fun to have, but they are fun to figure out how to describe.

Because then it goes from something that's just festering in you to an actual challenge. You're like, oh, can I put this into, I have 26 letters. Oh, can I put this into 26 letters? Can I rearrange them in a way that's going to replicate this feeling in somebody else? Like that's so cool. It is so cool. You're able to harness that and do that.

Even when I have these bad, bad feelings, at the same time, I'm sort of like, oh, I just unlocked a new one, unlocked a new challenge, and I have to figure out how to describe this one now. What are some feelings you're having lately that you're trying to figure out how to describe? What is it like to be you? Typical day.

What are you feeling these days? Well, I will say, there's been a lot of anti-Asian violence and that's been really with me. And I've been thinking about how growing up I was, I was only given like a sliver of visibility in terms of Asian representation. And then all of a sudden, you evolve as visibility. You have, you can see, I see, oh, that looks like my grandpa on the news, that looks like my mom,

but it's a visibility paired with violence. And I'm trying to understand what it does to me to not. Not have been given images in the media about my family or me and then suddenly be inundated with them. But they're paired with violence. It's something that I don't. No or understand yet and I've been called on many times throughout the last two years to name this feeling and to speak to what's happening. But I can also sense that it's still cooking in me. Like I swear, I have a little dinger. Go, and it'll tell me when it's like, okay, I'm ready to take this out of the oven and like share it with people. But until then, I just know that it's important to stick

with this feeling, I will figure it out. But I'm not going to figure it out on a news timeline. I'm going to figure it out on my timeline, and then I'll write about it. That's been something I've been thinking about. You said that in the courtroom, you felt underestimated as a Chinese woman, that the world thought you'd be easier to dismiss, that you wouldn't cause an uproar. But then you said this, which,

it's because of my mom that I'm not afraid to fight. She grew up under a communist regime and fought for her right to speak freely and came here because she wanted to do that. If she can fight for us as much greater than her, I can fight for myself in this stale little courtroom. So talk to us because I hear what you're saying that you're not cooked about the effect of now seeing representation having it be, I can't wait till you figure that out. Yes. But can you talk to us about the harm of this model minority myth and how it has such an effect on Asian Americans?

I'm having this discussion with my son, who's Japanese, he, I raised him with no context. It's shocking. And so I sent him out. I just had this conversation similar to this with Ocean Wong who I know that you love. But he's just starting to talk to me about this part of his life that I didn't help him with. So talk to us a little bit about what it's like to be underestimated as a Chinese woman and what all of that means. Yeah, I think same as my mom, like English is her second language. So I've seen people who don't take her seriously or they're more quick to dismiss her because Her language isn't just so neatly presented

And that always bothered me because I'm so aware of her complexity in humor and depth and her complexity in humor and death and aware of what they're not seeing. My mom is so incredible and she would come to these meetings with me with my attorney and a lot would go over her head like I'd be the one taking notes but my mom knows like this part of your hand is a pressure point to alleviate headaches. Like she knows that. So while I'm taking in this information, she's pinching this part of me. She's regulating my body, right? She's the one who is keeping me fed. If I'm studying transcripts in my room, she leaves a bowl of steaming noodles outside. I would like open my door, bring the noodles inside, like steam my face, and then be looking at my transcripts on the floor. But her ways of

nurturing were so incredible during that time. I feel like when they saw my side of the courtroom, they didn't see people who were ready to like explode on the scene, or people who were equipped with the language to observe and unpack everything that was happening. It just reminded me, like, say, of no idea, but I do. And that's why, like, as an artist, it's my job to keep telling these stories about me, about my mom, about what it means to move through the world as Asian women. And yeah, my mom's incredible. Even like, she, one time texted me and said, do you have ski goggles? I can borrow. I said, yeah, like, where are you going? Like, are you gonna snope?

Like what is this? Sure. And she was like, I'm going to Burning Man. She was like, oh, yeah. What? Yes, yes. Yes. And she went to Burning Man.

And then she said, now I'm looking for my wedding dress. I was like, why do you need your wedding dress? She's like, I'm gonna marry the dessert. I was like, okay. She's like wedding dress? She's like, oh, I'm gonna marry the dessert. I was like, okay. She's like, you have, like, I can't even, that's what I'm saying is like, she's so, well, full of surprises, and so are all of us. Like, we just possess so much curiosity,

that again, it's something I'm still learning to articulate. All I know is that there's so much there that was never seen. And that's my job moving forward to make it known and seen. So, you know, we talk a lot about mental health on this pod for many different reasons, mostly because it's a huge journey in my life. And one of my favorite million things that you've said is you describe, I think, the fluctuations between depression and what normal see, whatever that is, as running with slugs or horses. First of all, I love that Chanel decides if she's having a depressed time.

She's just running with slugs. And if she's not, she's just running with horses. No, consider the impact of this. It's not Chanel's problem. She's either got a slug or a horse that day. All right, she's going to do the best she can with the animal she's been given. Talk to us. Does depression still affect you? What does it look like in your life? This is something I'm sorry to tell you that didn't magically go away in my 30s.

Goodness. Yeah, something I like that my dad said is that when you're depressed your vision narrows and said is that when you're depressed, your vision narrows. And that's me was a very clean way of looking at it. And then I thought of another thing which is like, oh my vision narrows. So it's like looking through a little toilet paper tube like this. And suddenly, instead of seeing the whole scope of your life in your future and your past, you have this very narrow vision and you can only see just a little bit and your focus is just in one spot. And so now when I'm depressed, I think my vision has narrowed, I can only see outside of a little toilet paper tube and when I'm in this state, I'm not allowed to make any big decisions. And I'm not allowed

to draw any grand conclusions about who I am or who I'm going to be. And those are just my rules for when I'm in this state. But I also like it because if you think of the toilet paper tube, I think of it, maybe you can put a little shoelace through it and hang it around your neck, like binoculars. And then you know that depression is not just a state, but it's just a different way of seeing. Like, and I know it's always going to be, oh, my neck, I know at times it's the only way I'm going to be able to see things other times it's just going to be dangling and it's fine. But I prefer seeing it as this is an altered way of seeing versus just like a state that I'm stuck in indefinitely. I feel that do you see there's benefits of the time where because a narrowed vision can be negative and that you can't see the periphery and maybe we shouldn't make decisions because we're not taking the whole scope in

literally. Well, is there a superpower in the narrowed vision time? Yeah, because that's all the information. It's not for nothing, right? It's not just random punishment. There's signals telling you something is wrong. I think the best thing we can do is equip ourselves to investigate it and not abandon it or just wait for it to be over because there's so much there. And it makes a lot of sense. Like, of course, it's almost like more surprising when people aren't depressed at this point. Yeah, I find them insensitive. Glenin says, I do stupid people aren't paying attention. Yeah. Yeah. If I weren't depressed,

I wouldn't go around talking about it. What do you want for your third issue now? Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay, well, so yeah, there's a pressure to produce offspring and the way writers pump out books, it's like book, book, book, book, book. Oh my goodness. Before I make a decision, I try to identify the origin feeling of what's pushing that decision. And if it's finicky panic, then I have to wait. So I'm in a state of finicky panic, and I need to wait for more grounded times to make these big decisions. But I don't know, I'm still so fresh to myself, truly. We'll see. Fresh to myself, I love that. We should strive for that, that's good.

I'm wanting to feel fresh to myself. I mean, you've become such a model of healing, whether you like it or not, sorry. Yeah. What do you think is helpful for healing? Healing is just constant. Every day, sometimes every hour, I feel like I go through all of the, I was, I am, I will be like this.

What do you think is most helpful for you and for people when they're trying to get off the floor to the present or to hope for the future? What helps you? I think curiosity because right now, yeah, I've done so much healing, but I still struggle a lot with vigilance and feeling like bad things can happen all the time and trying to prevent those things. things can happen all the time and try to prevent those things. But I wonder all the time about who I would be if I didn't have to be so vigilant all the time. And I really want

to meet that person. And I really want her to be able to succeed. Because right now I feel like my creative brain gets really shrunken because I spend so much time thinking about how to keep myself safe. And I want to know, it is who I'd be when I don't have to think about safety all the time. Like that person, oh, could do so many things, you know? So that curiosity of meeting her, really knowing her, keeps me going. And then I also think, yeah, I still have a really hard time with all this stuff.

And it's almost like the more I've learned, the more difficult it is to be optimistic, truly. But you know recently last fall all the freshman at San Fred were required to read my book. And I was really nervous to go back just like we talked about going back is really scary. I'm scared of the people I've been. I'm scared to be in those states again and to be hurting that badly or to be that full of self-floating. And I worried that when I went back to Stanford, that old self was waiting for me and she's just going to slip in and repossess this vehicle. And I won't have any control. And I wouldn't be able to go on stage and present as this like confident person I am now. So I was scared to go back so I thought I'm just going to go

do quickly rip off the bandaid and the event will be over and I'll go back to my hotel room and unravel if I need to. So I get myself up, I walk over to the campus, and there's a few other panelists that day. And when they announce my name, I come out, and all the students just start clapping, and then they don't stop. And I was sitting on stage and all these students are just holding me in this noise. Like if there was any question whether you are welcome here, we are dissolving it for the next few minutes. And my fellow panelists eventually put down their mics and just looked at me and started clapping too. And I was just being held in this sound. It was unbelievable.

And so I knew I could relax. I knew that for the next hour I was going to be taking care of, but most importantly, it's like without a word, the students were saying, we got it. Like, seven years ago, I went to that campus. My life was changed. I had no language for what was happening. I was so lost. Like, I was so hungry for help and lonely and I was walking around with a little antenna trying to figure out a single person I could tell who I could trust trying to figure out where I was safe. And now all these years later I'm at the same campus. There's thousands of students who have this information foundationally and will begin the next four years of their

lives with it. And most importantly, for healing, that to me is the permission, like you can go now. And I think that's also really what I needed to hear. It's like you don't have to take care of all of us, you don't have to fix everything. Like we got it, you can go now. Be who, you know, you're meant to be. And that for my healing was really important was not just returning to that place, but finally being released from it and being given the permission that it's okay to redirect my focus now. Oh my god, how beautiful! You had me in tears and just the fact that you have the humility and the honesty to be like, I'm going back to this place.

I have no idea how I'm going to be received. And then for the place that in maybe your mind created so much of this trauma, could also be the releaseer and the freeing into your future. You see this with religion a lot. It's like wherever there's a trauma, the freedom from it has to be a little bit in the original thing that hurt you. Yeah, in the church that hurt me. The antidote is the poison in some way, so interesting.

So Chanel, in an earlier podcast we did the Susan Cain, she talked to us about filling our social feeds with more art to help our mental health. Our team feels strongly that your Instagram feed is the best mental health, healing place to be because the way that you see the world, the beautiful stories you tell, about I guess what you talked about in the beginning of the pot about what you're noticing that day. Just helps me notice things in my that and just the noticing is so healing. Who do you listen to, read, follow that helps your healing? Oh my goodness, coming in.

Ok, ok, I'm going to redirect my apples to my bookshelf. Ruth Ozechi, you and Lee, Gia Tolentino, Jenny, saying, this is really hard because it could go on and on and on forever and ever. Give me a second. This is actually a very hard question. When people ask me this, just so you know, every time someone asks me,

what are my favorite books? I forget that I even know what books are. All I do is reach out. It's all I do. Is there anything that you can go to that you know? Maybe it's not art. Maybe it's the dogs. I don't know.

Is there anything that you can go to? I keep a little list of my list of things, like little healing things things so that I can grab them play with your dogs for 10 minutes. Go for a walk outside, get a drink of water. Water meditator. Every time I think that my entire life is horrible and that I need to like have a new state and a new religion and a new career, I really usually need a glass of water. When we're big thinking, usually solution to big thinking is small things. Yeah, what is your personal thing

that your mom does to you to take care of you? Oh, like the version of getting the pressure on your hands. Pressure on the inside of your hands. Yeah, how do you get that pressure release when your mom's not there to bring in noodles? Yourself, yeah. Yeah, for real.

I'm telling you, like, even just a subway ride or the park, I remind myself that my school is basically, when you look at me in Manhattan, my school is like a tiny, tiny acorn. And it's full of these swirling thoughts that I think are so big and devastating. But it's really just a little acorn in this huge landscape of ginormous silver buildings. So go out into the city, I'll notice things, and also just watch other people inside their lives. Because it actually saved me when I realized that there are so many different types of lives unfolding. Even if you feel like you're on one track, it can veer off in so many different directions and what a relief that is. And so like even recently I saw in the swings, there's a little girl dressed as a mermaid and her conundrum was

like she was sitting on the baby swing and she had to fit both of her legs in her mermaid tail through one swing hole. That's like this is her biggest problem today. And if I was in her life like that would be my consuming issue of the day, you know. And so just being able to practice stepping outside yourself by seeing the other storylines people are living in the subway. I was going to do a comic about this. There's these two friends and this guy had the smiley face patch on his sweatpants. And he and his friend were just sitting eating grapes. And his friend took a grape, pressed it to the smiley face and went, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

And his friend could, like, was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. And their little game became pressing a little grape to the mouth. And then the other one would just lose it. Like, that was the whole ride. You know what I'm saying? And like, that's my brain is in relief. My brain is inside their game. The world is full of that stuff. And it's free and it's happening all the time. And you just got to, if you are stuck in your little toilet paper roll depression, redirect that little roll to those small moments. They're not going to save you, but I swear, if you string them along, you come out somewhere different. Oh my God, that's another way of saying I am here.

Yeah. It's not just getting the inside out to the world. It's getting the outside world into you. It's not just getting the inside out to the world. It's getting the outside world into you. Yeah, because we don't often have it. I admit I don't have enough to keep myself afloat all the time. Like I can't conjure all of that. Like I need different types of visual nourishment out in the world. You know, I need to see things in motion.

Because it is so hard to just be like, okay, I'm going to meditate this out or I'm going to do it on my own. It is so hard, I have to cling on to these little things going on outside of me. So in our last three minutes, we call this podcast, we can do hard things. What's hard for you right now? Oh, it's hard. What's not? What's not? hard for you right now. Oh, it's hard.

What's, what's not? The hard thing is going to be not thinking about everything I just said for the rest of the day. That's what's hard. And so I'm making the declaration right now that I did was best. I spoke whatever bubbled to the top. Maybe I was a little rest in some places. You know why? Because I haven't really been talking to people for two years.

So I'm letting it go. And as soon as we're done, probably gonna seek a bath. Probably gonna work on literature for younger people. And just know that all that mattered is that I feel really great sitting across from both of you. I hope our listeners took something away and I'll just continue showing up in my Jewish form,

sailing into my 30s. Oh, no. Yes, hell yes to everything you just said. Yes. Yes. Let us skip the part. How about we skip the part where we both, because Abby doesn't do this, but what if you and I skip the part where we worry about every single thing we said this time? And we just do it. And we just do it. And we just do it. And I was like, oh, that was good. Yes, what? Great. It will be a revolution if women stop doing that. And then that worry keeps us from being present in the next moment. That's what great for a life. It will be a revolution if women stop doing that. And then that worry keeps us from being present

in the next moment. That's right. So we'll just go carry out and be present. You be present in your bathtub, okay? Yeah. So, Chanel, we will be in your corner and your fans forever and not because of the big things you do, but because of the little things you do

and the way you see the world. And don't let them panic you. Don't let them rush you. You will, you know, you know better than anybody else does on the planet, unfortunately, for you. So you just tell them when it's time for you. You don't let them tell you when it's time for them. And if and when that time comes that you create art and put it out into the world. This place always will always be here for it. That's right. Glen and I will always be here for it. It makes me feel emotional at like what impact you have and we'll keep having it. But like not in the world like our family every post,

every the putty, the gray putty, the two dogs who are on flowers, and oh my God, when she chooses the blue one or the green one, oh thank God, she chooses red. You help us see the world for as magical as it is. Yes, so thank you for that. We love you forever. Go take a bath. For the rest of you, you also take a bath, Pod Squad. That's right.

That's a good next right thing. Well, everybody go take a bath. That's right, we'll see you Well, everybody go take a bath. That's right. We'll see you next time. We can do hard things. I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlisle. I walk through a fire I came out the other side. Now the other side

I chased desire, I made sure I got once money And I continue to believe That I'm the one for me And because I'm mine, I want the line Cause we're adventurers in heartbreak So now a final destination We're in some battle, a final destination We're in some battle, a final destination We're in some battle, a final destination

We're in some battle, a final destination We're in some battle, a final destination We're in some battle, a final destination We're in some battle, a final destination We're in some battle, a final destination We're in some battle, a final destination We're in some battle, a final destination We're in some battle, a final destination We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain

That our lives bring We can do a heartache I hit rock bottom it felt like a brand new star I'm not the problem sometimes things fall apart And I continue to believe The best people are free And it took some time But I'm finally fine But I'm finally fine Because we're adventurous and heartbreak so mad

A final destination with that We stopped asking directions So places they've never been Come to be loved, we need to be known We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain That our lives bring We can do a heartache This world finished her rose and heart breaks on land. We might get lost but we're only in that room.

Stop asking directions from me. Some places may've never been And to be loved we need to be long We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain That our lives bring We can do hard things. Yeah, we can do hard things.

Yeah, we can do hard things. We can do hard things, is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts, especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't, don't worry about it. It's fine. you