We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - EASY THINGS: Why, for some of us, is lightening up the hardest thing to do?

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

1. Glennon’s radical acceptance that she’s always going to be a midnight person in a sunshine world. 2. Our favorite movies and music—and what they reveal about our personalities. 3. Why Abby is objectively hot, but please don’t say that to Glennon at parties. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Whether you're doing a dance to your favorite artist in the office parking lot, or being guided into Warrior I in the break room before your shift, whether you're running on your Peloton tread at your mom's house while she watches the baby, or counting your breaths on the subway. Peloton is for all of us, wherever we are whenever we need it, download the free Peloton app today. Peloton app available through free tier or paid subscription starting at 12.99 per month. Well, hi everybody, I missed you. Welcome to We Can Do Easy Things. We're talking about easy things today because you might be surprised to know this, but you all often on social or in your emails or voiceml's tell us that you are spending your

weeks thinking about the things that we talk about here and that makes us feel so good. But you should also know that we spend our weeks thinking about every word that you say about the podcast. So we read every single thing that you post about the podcast, every email you send, every voicemail that you leave because we're so excited about this. The conversation back and forth is the best part. That's why I've never just stuck to books because the back and forth the ongoing conversation around All of these things we discuss is my favorite part. So thanks for that

Also, I'm a deeply sensitive person and so when you tell me that there's something that you don't love about the podcast. I lose my little freaking mind. Okay. Just to touch, just to tad. Right. So, so I'm Abby saying this because she's been listening to me talk about this

for the last week and a half. So I'm on social and I see somebody tweet or I don't know, Instagram something. And they say say I love Glenin's podcast. We can do hard things but I can't do freaking hard things every week. Okay and then I see all these comments from this person and they're all talking about how much I love the podcast but also how heavy everything we talk about is.

Right? Imagine how hard it is to be us. I mean, you just have to do it for an hour every week. We have to do it all the hours and all the week. Just just be us. All the people. Thank you. Feel pity. Okay.

Exactly that. But as you know, sister, I'm obsessing about this because it's not just because I can't stand when anyone doesn't like anything because honestly that whole likability ship has sailed, right? Yeah. Very used to being someone, yes, out there. And I know I can't please everybody. But the reason this bothered me is because it was, it made me think, wait, are we not doing the service on this podcast that I thought we were doing? Because my intention for this podcast was we are going to talk about hard things. And that is going to make your life easier.

That was my whole- Whole- All- ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... other carry the hard things exactly that was my whole premise like my dissertation or whatever you call it for this thing that we were doing together and then I think oh my god am I completely wrong and I talking about the hard things and making things harder for people. Yes yes you are am I really I don't think well it's good but it's good. It's a good hard. It's a required hard. Okay. Well, I think hearing that other people are struggling with the same hard, for me, it makes it easier for me. And I feel like giving language to people who to understand their hard instead of just feeling like I'm all jacked up. They're like, oh, actually, I'm just doing this hard thing. I'm not just all broken. Right.

OK. And also, for me, I think I've always noticed about myself that what makes me feel like crap is when everybody just talks about light things. And it makes me feel like, wait, aren't you just as angsty and full of pain as I am? Like why are you talking about these things? Like you have everything else nailed.

So anyway, I'm taking my morning walk last week thinking about is it too heavy? Is it too heavy? And two separate times I walk the same path. Two people are crying on the path. Look at me, their eyes get wide and they say, I'm listening to your podcast right now. Just spreading joy. You're just like a, just spreading joy wherever you go. I'm like, California is crying. It's crying. And then I told you all about this separately because this was the icing on the cake, okay?

So Avya and I are sitting on this sidewalk in this cute little cafe or something, I don't know. And these two women walk up to us. And the first one says, oh my God, I'm listening to your podcast, I love it, it's so good. And then she kind of gets sidetracked with Abby. So I look at the other woman who's with her and I say, okay, so thank you for liking it.

But do you think it's too heavy? Like, do you think that we should be talking about lighter topics? Like, am I making you sad? Do you have any lighter topic ideas? Like, what do people talk about? Like kittens or, I don't know, can you give me some ideas? And she says to me this, she says, I just actually don't

know who you are. I'm just with my friend. But I mean, yeah, you do seem a little intense. Okay. So that's when I understand what's happening here. Okay, what's happening here is that what has happened to me over the past week is that I have gotten my, I have been retraumatized by this truth about myself, which is that I'm a little intense, right? I love it. That's why we love you, though, babe. It's why we love you. Other people say, you know how people refer to people and they say, she's a lot. I've never really liked that phrase.

It's like she's a lot as in like too much. And I think a lot of people feel like they're too much. And I think that's why a lot of people talk about like things because they don't want to be seen as too much. But I want all of your alotness because your alotness is perfect. You're perfect. And honestly, I always think, okay, am I too much? Are you just not even close to enough? That's right. That's right. That's what we should be talking about. But anyway, but the whole light and up thing, don't you think it's a little bit complicated

because like, I just feel like if people, if people want to lighten up, like if it's from them, I just feel like if it's something that is required of you that you lighten up, I say, no, to that lighting up. If it's something that you desire for yourself, I say, yes, yes to lighting up. So required no desire. Yes. Also, we have to remember people opt in to this podcast. Thank you. It's not called we can do easy things. It's not like I'm hiding the ball.

I called it we can do hard things. But for example, if you wanted to pick my number one hard thing that would be hardest for me, it would be lightning up. So it is, it's, and both. And I just feel like for people who, especially for women, lightning up is this like kind of like, do all, it's like what you said in the, how you're talking the other day and you said,

we're supposed to carry the whole sky and be exhausted all the time. Then we're also supposed to put on concealer to not show the evidence that're supposed to carry the whole sky and be exhausted all the time. Then we're also supposed to put on concealer to not show the evidence that we have been carrying the whole sky. It's like we're supposed to be doing all these things, but then we're supposed to be light and breezy about it. And I just feel like, and structurally, I mean, water only flows in the same direction

always until it's disrupted. It's like there is a value in not being that go with the flow person or else we're always gonna end up the exact same place. Yeah, I feel like we've gotten into a defensive position, a defensive posture. You think that's possible? So I'm just showing, I'm just saying, you know what,

like these are just, you know, this is feedback. And as an athlete, feedback is important. And I think lightening up might do us a little good, right? Like maybe we could go like a couple of dinners without having an existential conversation with our children about life and what is life. Like I just wanna maybe talk about like Zach freaking Efron. Do you wanna tell that story, Glenon?

Okay, can you before you tell that break as you're just set about meals? Can I just tell what happened at the breakfast table this actual morning? Yes. So we were having breakfast and John said something like, oh, the mosquitoes are really active right now.

And because they're tearing us to shreds and Alice goes, well, technically, dad. Then only the female mosquitoes are active because they are the only ones that bite. I'm like, why do, why do only the females bite, Alice? Well, because they need the blood because they're going back to their babies. That's how it has something to do with eggs

and the babies. So the males don't bite. And I am like, what? And I get up. I'm like see, see, we think the females are annoying because they have to bite. Why do they have to bite? For the perpetuation of their species

because the males over there, they don't have any responsibilities. So guess what, they're not deemed annoying. And I wonder what they're doing. What are they doing all day? What are the male mosquitoes doing all day? I don't know, but guess what? No one's mad at them.

The male mosquitoes, because they don't have to bite. And John looks at me from the breakfast table, like, with the face of a man who is surprised by his inability to not be surprised anymore. And he just shakes his head and is like, does everything have to be about everything? Like, let's just, does everything have to be about everything? That's right. Yes, it does.

It does. But I would, I'm curious about the scum sensation. Let's be light. I would like to be lighter in my life. I do. I do. I would be lovely. Well, here's the deal.

I don't think that I'm ever going to be a light human being. Okay, I have a radical acceptance of myself. Like, that is what I have a whole chapter about it in time. I'm midnight, midnight. I am a midnight human being. If I were a time of day, it would be midnight. If Abby were a time of day, she would be 2pm. 2pm.

No clouds in the sky. Right, right, right, right. So I have accepted that about myself, but this is a community. If this is not just me, this is a community of people, and I am humble enough to know that sometimes people need more than what is natural for me. So, and also, maybe it would be a gift to give ourselves to try to lighten up a little bit. So, we are going to add some lightness today. And your partners. Gifts to you and your partners.

Yes. In your partners, right, right, right. Not to change ourselves, but just to be in service to ourselves and to you. Because as Abby mentioned, our friends who are two women who are married to each other and one is the midnight blue and the other one is the 2PM and the 2PM one that just looked at her wife in the middle of dinner who was talking about war.

And she said, sometimes I just want to freaking talk about Zach Efron. Which by the way, is that so weird? Why did she want to talk about Zach Efron? Isn't it part-throb? Because at the time, Zach Efron, this is like 10 years ago. Zach Efron was like one of the biggest movie stars. It's just like my favorite story ever because you can't, like there's usually one lesbian and every relationship

that's like militant about feminism and it's me gay. I'm a militant. Yeah. There's usually another lesbian who's just like a little bit easier going about the world and things. And I just this is Zach Efron's story is my favorite because that's exactly how I feel like sometimes I just, this is Zach Efron's story is my favorite, because that's exactly how I feel. Like sometimes I just like wanna talk about nothing. Not everything. Right, I hear you. Okay, all right, we're gonna try. Sounds pointless and awful. If you would like to talk about pointless awful things,

please leave your ideas. Please leave your ideas at 747-2005307. I just checked the phone. I just checked the number, it's the correct one. Yes. You're not giving a fake one. It's the correct one. Yes.

I'm Jonathan M. Hevar. I'm a podcast producer and someone who likes fancy things. But I grew up working class. My parents were immigrants with factory jobs. And because of that, I think about class a lot. And I want to talk about it. That's what we're doing on my new podcast, Classy. And what did you all eat?

You know, trailer food. I was like, girl, we're not doing that anymore. You'll hear from people who told me awkward, embarrassing, and strangely intimate things about what class means to them. She said, you know, for the house cleaner, I hide the tag on the $6 bread. And I just thought, don't you think she knows

that you're wealthy? You're hiding the tags from yourself. Classy, a new podcast from Pineapple Street Studios. Available now, wherever you get your podcasts. Wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, so we do have some lighter questions that we're going to throw to the panel today The panel of three and the first question you all is about movies Okay, hi Glenin. This is Liz. I'm just curious. What are your favorite movies? question, you all, is about movies, okay?

Hi, Glennon, this is Liz. I'm just curious, what are your favorite movies to watch and what some of your favorite music to listen to? I love the podcast, thanks so much. Okay, so first I think we should each maybe say one of our favorite movies, sister, have you ever watched a movie? I'm gonna put you in the spot. I'm serious. These my questions are gonna not apply.

Like, can you answer N slash A? She's gonna say like a Ken Burns documentary and make something about, like, do you know any movies? I'm serious. I just don't wanna put you in the spot if you don't know any movies. I mean, I know about movies. Okay. Okay. All right. Abby, you and I can answer this

question. And then if sister can think of one, she'll probably Google it real quick. And then she'll tell us hers. I like this question to go after this conversation about lightness because I think it relates so much because I have found that people who are 2pm on the inside tend to like dramatic, feely movies. Oh, and people, maybe I shouldn't speak for all people, but midnight people like me do not. Okay, I hate with it. My favorite movies are as follows. Elf. Boring. Elf is my favorite movie. I mean, I love Elf, but like you like boring movies. You like movies that don't get you above or below a certain emotional feeling. That's

right. Elf, home alone, although the scenes get pretty, my heart starts beating when the robbers come inside. To intense. I love legally blonde, although the sexual harassment scene gets me every time. Oh my God. I like nodding hill. I like movies that I know.

Except the objectification of Julia Roberts in the movie. And then talk about the eating disorder. You will find a problem living within every kind of television show or movie. And so what it does is it really limits our movie slash TV situation. So what I have to do is whenever I go on a trip to go to work or whatever, people, I have to do is whenever I go on a trip to go to work or whatever, people,

I have to watch like the war and mystery and crime. And so the people to my right and left on on plans are like, what is this person watching? Because I got to consume it in these like times that I would be. Well, you know what the real world is full of? What? War and mystery and crime. Why, I beg of you, do we have to make up fake war and mystery and crime? Why do we have to make it up to be entertained by it? We can put it on the news.

If I'm watching a movie, I want to be less upset. We use movies for different things. Okay, like we have one child who I think is very much like you. She's sunny, she's not stormy on the inside. And she likes dramatic movies. She likes scary movies. She likes very, very sad music. Well, I think it's because we can't...

We don't go there very easily. We don't go to the sad parts of our humanity as easily as you do. And so sometimes we have to curate it ourselves. And part of that is in movies or art or music. I mean, I only like sad music literally. I know, I feel sad. And for a while, you thought that I was rainy on the inside.

So that's why I liked listening to sad music and watching some sad movies. I was just depressed. That was just a depressive period of my life. I'm actually pretty sunny on the inside. And I think because of that, that makes me want to actually feel sometimes the full spectrum of human emotion. And one of those spectrums is sadness. Interesting. Remember when you, we were trying to decide where to live, and you said, well, I live in Portland. And I said, oh, for Christ's sakes,

I am Portland on the inside, and not live in Portland on the outside. Like, I need to be with the sunscreen at me. Sister, what is your take on all of this? I'm just really interested in what Abby just said, and what you're saying about you watch the opposite of yourself as like an escape from yourself. That's so interesting and an ability to access things. I find I have a hard time watching TV shows and movies because I

I feel like then it takes up residence in my head. Like I am now, like when I start watching them and I really like them, I become obsessed and I can't stop. It'll be like two AM, I'll be like, one more, one more, I have to keep going. But then I find like the character, I'm like talking like them. I'm, when I was pregnant with, and they're living,

I'm worried, I seriously, I'm worried about them during the day. I can't, there's no separation between. I'm worried. I seriously am worried about them during the day. Yeah, I can't be true. There's no separation between what I'm watching. And then it's just with, it's like a total immersion program where it's like, when I was watching the wire, when I was pregnant with Bobby, do you know the wire?

Oh, I tried that for 15 minutes. No. I got through and then I was like, oh, I live there with them. I am so I couldn't stop. And I had to stop at the last season because I realized it was so I was doing it so much. I was thinking about so much that I was like my my child is going to be born and is going to be like, I am intravenously transferring all of this emotional weight to my child. And so I had to stop there.

But I think that's my problem. It's not an escape for me. It's like adding another, it's assimilating a whole another thing into my head. You do that. I mean, even when I think about when I've tried to watch my, because trash TV for me is a very, is a perfect, it's a perfect thing. Okay. Like a real house.

Yes. If there's a conflict in the show I'm watching, I just want it to be our Teresa and Melissa from the Real Housewives of New Jersey, ever going to pull it together and be friends. Like I need that level of conflict. That's it. Okay. Yeah, with no consequences. Like no consequences.

Yeah. Exactly. I mean, we'll be watching a movie, babe. We'll be watching movie and a conflict comes up and it's a pretty, gnarly one, like handmaids tail. No, god, no, no, no, no, no, no. And, and Glenin, I will like look over and she hasn't taken a breath in like 60 seconds.

And I'll be like, honey, breathe, just breathe. And then you always say, which makes me crazy. She says this is not real. And I'm like, yes, everything is real. Everything is real. If somebody has thought of this, this is a metaphor, but it's not, but this actually happened. Well, and more than that, it's happening to me. That's what John says all the time.

This is fake. This is not really happening. I'm like, oh, you want to tell my body that because I am very very upset about this thing that's not happening Tell the tell the two inch puddle of sweat below me. This is not happening This is not real. Yeah, that's right. I mean, it feels real, but it's just like it's it's fiction in That's right. I mean, it feels real, but it's just like, it's fiction in the way that it's being told. But it's not. And then I have to say it's art, and they're like, okay, okay, it's art, okay. Does the only way it gets you to take a breath?

Yeah, that does get me to take a breath. I'm glad that this has been so light. Yeah. Okay, so Elf Home Alone. I love almost famous. I can watch that movie. Almost Alone, I love almost famous. I can watch that movie every day. Almost famous. I love that movie so much.

I think about the scene when Kate Hudson finds out that the boys were trading her for beer and then she looks at the guy with her water eyes and smile and says what kind of beer and I don't know why. Or Lester Banks, I mean, the only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with each other when we're uncool. Forget it. And also, I'm on drugs! So good.

There has never been a more perfect male character in any TV show. Uh-huh. Then Ted Lasso. Okay. I just, I need for everyone to watch Ted Lasso. Oh, okay. Okay. I just, I need for everyone to watch Ted Lasso. I, oh God, I can't believe you can say that before. Oh my God, it's, I can't put into words how comforting, how deep, how funny, how perfect, how necessary, how beautiful,

the level of conflict is right on. Okay, the humor is perfection, the lessons and depth in it, the writing, it's the show that is needed. And I don't have any connection to Ted Lasso or anything. I'm just, our family just feels very, it is about the soccer. So there's that.

And it's also about the football, though, because he was a football coach, so he's applying all of these. I feel like there's a little dadism in there for us, where it's like the old school, like, all right. I mean, he's just like an old school football coach, trying to apply his life to soccer. And it's so fun.

And it's such an anti-toxic masculinity. It's like an undoing of everything. And it's like in this time when leadership is so just gone. And like we've gotten so confused about what a good leader is and what's important. It's Ted Lasso on the scene just reminding us of goodness and what real power is and ugh, so good. Some of his little quiet one liners are just completely shifting, mind shifting,

like the joke, but the truth in the joke, and the sexism that he talks about through a joke It's just it's so beautifully done Jason Sadek has great job. Yeah good stuff and light Light yeah, it's light, but have you yeah, okay Let's oh she did ask about music. So I would say the same thing about music I don't want to be sad and upset when I listen to music. I like some good protest music. I love some Tracy Chapman.

I love Bob Dylan. I love the Indigo girls. I've listened to the Indigo girls maybe every day of my life since I got sober because they helped me get sober. They helped me learn how to feel my feelings. I used to every single day. I was so scared when I got sober that my feelings would kill me. And so each day I would put on one indigo girl song and let myself feel

for that song. And then when it was done, I would tell myself I didn't have to feel any feelings anymore. So Amy and Emily helped get me sober and I still listened to them every single day and in fact when I told Craig that I was in love with Abby. The first thing he said was, wait is this what all the indigo girls has been about? Yep. And I said holy shit I think it might just be. I mean, there was just something in their voices that I knew was for me some kind of freedom and some kind of subversiveness and some kind of longing. And I still love all of that. Sissy, what kind of music you into? We're on a

We're on a T-Swift Period right now. This is the period of the T-Swift and I I just I love her so much and I love that my daughter's obsessed with her because it just So we're listening to a lot of that and Alice I love love it because every time she puts one on, she requests them and she says, Mommy, you need to make sure this is the Taylor version because I don't want that guy getting her money. And it's. Yes. Oh, so I love just everything that she says. John has recently turned me on to Sturdiel Simpson, who is is he's wonderful and I feel like there's this new kind of crew of

of country but taking back country from the establishment. Margaret Price. Yes, yes, yes, yes, and then Chris and April 2nd. Jason is fell in Amanda. Yeah, and his wife Amanda is amazing in her own right. So I'm into what they're doing too. Cool, what about you babe? Well, I like to keep up with the times. So Taylor Swift for sure, Olivia Rodrigo, Phoebe Bridgers, The Vampire Weekend. A lot of stuff that the kids turn on in the car.

They're like now just getting into music in a big way. And it's tough when they get very much into Olivia Rodrigo because that's all we listen to every car ride. But I'm staying up in the times. I also like the Inigo girls. I also like Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, lots of folks. I mean shout out to Olivia Rodriguez though. She's good. I expected her not to be because the dish told me she was like a Disney person, whatever. And then I found myself listening to Apple McGinnonigan. I'm glad the kiddos have Olivia Rodriguez. She's saying things that are important.

Yeah, like go vote. Yeah, yeah. and we would be remiss to do this whole thing on music and not mention the hottest drop in recent history, which is Tish Meltens. We can do hard things. I mean, top of the playlist, people. You all, basically, I feel like mostly this group of podcast listeners, the pod squad, took Tish Mountain's We Can Do Hard Things. I think it hit in a number eight on iTunes. I mean, she's freaking out. It's like so wonderful. And better than that are the stories. People are sending me pictures of their little kids listening to them videos of their, you know, seven-year-olds and eight-year-olds, doing their hard things, listening to the song song one lady wrote this letter about how she is getting sober

and listens to the song over and over again so Tish is kind of her indigo girls because she's let you know I don't know Tish is just kind of filled up filled lately. So thanks to you all really. Thanks for supporting our little one. For sure. Okay, let's um, hear from Ginger. Hi, oh my goodness, I love you. Glenan and Amanda, my name is Ginger and I don't have a hard question for you, but my beautiful Cheetah friend, Chelsea, is going through a very hard time right now. And I was wondering if you could just tell her, Hi, and she is loved and she is supported and she is a god damn cheetah of Love your podcast. Thank you for what you do. Bye. Oh Chelsea Ginger What a good friend. Yeah, I just speak about

some but ginger sat down in her house thought about her friend Chelsea sat down in her house, thought about her friend Chelsea, picked up the phone, found the phone number, left the voice mail on the small chance that on the air we would get to talk to her friend, Chelsea, Chelsea. As Ted Lasso would say. We all go through hard times,

but it is a blessing to not go through them alone. That's what he said in the locker room last night, right, babe? So, I mean, Chelsea, very cool that you have somebody like ginger to go through this hard time with. I mean, you know, I love talking about hard times. Okay. So, let me start this one. I'm not a big advice person and really not because nobody else knows what we should do ever. But there is this good news that I have found during hard times, which is that hard Hard times kind of like give you an excuse to forget everything except the things that are most precious and most important to you.

It's like that idea that we have that the word crisis, you know the word crisis, which we all want to avoid. Crisis is bad, crisis is bad. The word crisis actually means to sift. Like one of those kids who goes to the beach and like digs up the sand and holds that little siv up and watches all the sand fall hoping that there will be treasure left over. Right. That's what crisis does. It forces us to watch everything fall away so that we can find out what treasure is left over, right, and what can't be taken from us.

So Chelsea during this shitty, shitty time, pay close attention to the treasures that will be uncovered because they will. And then give yourself permission, Chelsea, to just do nothing, but the next right thing. You know, during hard times, we all want to know how is it going to end, how is it going to end, when is it going to end, why is it going to end? And we don't get any of those answers. Unfortunately, we never get the five-year plan. We never get to see the final destination, but we do get to be part of this amazing system

where if we surrender that wish to knowing how it's all going to turn out and we instead just decide, OK, I'm going to go inside and I'm just going to do the next right thing, one thing at a time, then the whole path becomes like this yellow brick road. And as soon as we commit to the next right thing, then the next right thing lights up. And it's like that saying where we were driving at night and we can make it all the way home just by seeing the next 10 feet that our headlights

show us. So Chelsea pay attention, look for the treasure. I think ginger's one of the treasures. And you just do the next right thing one thing in a time and that will take you all the way home. Also your goddamn cheetah. It's right, baby. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right, baby. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right.

That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right, baby. That's right. That's right. That's right, baby. That's right. That's right.

That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right, baby. That's right. That's right, baby. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. that we decided to do because so many of you are so damn funny and amazing. And we just decided we're going to have a pod squadder of the week.

So we have two pod squatters of the week today. And they are Olivia and Lindsey. Can we please hear from Olivia and Lindsey? Okay. You can totally use this because we are obsessed with you. Okay, hey, so it's Olivia. I'm Lizzie and we're dating and we're most 19 and we're calling in because we have a question for you. You're cutting me off.

Okay, take number two. I'm so sorry, but I'm... Okay, hey, it's Olivia. My name's Lizzie and we're both 19 and we're dating. Talk to us. And our question for you is how to kind of cope with our teenage friends referring to straight sex as normal sex. Thank you. And there's just a lot I'm gonna keep going because it's important. It's just really hard to navigate because our friends just are constantly invalidating our experiences and saying that they're not as real.

Okay, we can do more things. Okay, come with me. Hey, so my name is Olivia and my name is Lizzie and we're both 19 years old and we're dating. Well, anyways, we're calling in because we are constantly surrounded by friends referring to straight backs as normal backs, which is obviously not inclusive of our relationship. And we're wondering if you have any suggestions

on how to cope with that and how to handle that situation. Please let us know. We love you. OK. My favorite, I want them on the show. Me too. I love this show. I want them on the show.

This reminds me. This is the power of not quitting like our last episode those to Women tried three different times to leave that message and they nonetheless they persisted That's really good and also can we talk about like the unbelievable Stereotype but truth of of the codependency and relationships. Like were they on the call together? Were they sharing one phone? Like how did that happen?

They had to. Oh, love them. Love them. Olivia and Lindsay. I mean, so Olivia and Lindsay's hard thing is that they feel discounted and disrespected. They feel like their relationship is disrespected by friends who sort of in a million different ways suggest that real relationships are between a man

and a woman. So how could Olivia and Lindsay's relationship be real? Listen, I get this, you get this babe, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I have a kind of a, my experience was like I was the person that was educating everybody about the gayness. So like, I'm on the other side of the spectrum where I'm like, I actually don't want to talk about sexual or sexuality or like what parts go where and who does what? Like, I think that all sex is normal sex, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah, totally.

I mean, I, you tend to be later about this that I do, I get really pissed off at all of the macro and microaggressions. I'm gonna share one thing for Lindsay. I'm gonna share one thing for Lindsay and Olivia because if I'm sure they have gotten this and if they haven't yet they will and this is something that annoys me to know end. But I also want to say that many of you listening have probably done this maybe in comments or said something like this to me and I want you to know that it's okay. I love you and I know that when you've done this

it has been met, it has been met with good intentions and now I'm just gonna explain it and we're all gonna have grace for each other and try again. Okay, so this thing happens constantly with us babe, which is that people on Instagram, on Twitter, in real life, at events on the street, to at a party all the time, will come up to me and say something like this. Oh my God, Abby is so freaking hot. Oh God, here we go. I would leave my husband for Abby. I did not know you were going here. Well, you know, that's okay. So I think I would leave my husband,

I would totally leave my husband for Abby. I would totally, I would leave my, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I believe that the intention behind this comment is that the person is trying to signal to me. This is always a straight woman, right? And she's trying to signal to me that she is down with my relationship. That she is an ally. That she is progressive. That she is with me. That she is also a goddamn cheetah that she has a rainbow flag that she right like she is trying to signal this to me, but in fact,

what it does is the reveals the opposite. Okay, what it's revealing is deep internal homophobia. Okay, now let me explain why because sister, I want you to imagine. Okay, you have a friend Brooke, right? I want you to imagine walking up to your friend Brooke, who's husband's name is Mike. Mm-hmm. You barely know Brooke though, okay, in this scenario. And you're walking up to Brooke and you're meeting her for the first time. And I want you to think about the first thing you say.

I'm gonna say, okay, go ahead. Oh my God, Brooke, it's so nice to meet you. And I would totally leave my husband for Mike. Exactly. Yeah. So after you would never say that, okay? And so what you're implying, what you're revealing, is that you in fact don't respect my relationship as much as you respect male-female relationships because you would respect that boundary if it were a male and a female, but because we're two females, you don't see our relationship or our marital boundary as real, and it feels fun and playful, and it feels like you can have with it. Or they just might think that I'm hot. Okay, everyone thinks you're hot. Okay. I'm just kidding. You're objectively hot. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not so bad. But we don't know if my could be objectively hot too. Exactly, exactly. I mean, unlikely, Mike is definitely not as hot as you. But the boundary that we respect of not telling heterosexual couples that we would like to lay in bed and sleep with their spouses is is a boundary of respect to their institution and their marriage and their relationship. I think this effort to kind of signal allyship and think and like, I'm cool with you sleeping with her so much so that I also would sleep with her.

It's a lack. It's a lack. It's a misstep. I agree with you that it comes from a place of intent, but it does reveal that you would not be horrified to say that to me reveals that you don't actually respect my relationship the way you respect your relationship. So what do we say to Olivia and Lindsay about their problem? Olivia and Lindsay don't have a problem because Olivia and Lindsay have each other

and they are the luckiest people on earth. I mean, they are gay. They are queer. They already hit the freaking jackpot. They get to hang out for the rest of their lives. They get to make out with each other. They get to have an endless sleepover party until they die.

So I'm not worried about Olivia and Lindsay. And also they're talking about sex. Okay, so like if I walk up to a person at a party and I open with, I want people to take my sex life seriously. I want you to acknowledge that vaginas are also, then I am opening the door. Yeah, that's right. Maybe the answer for them, I mean, I think the answer

to the people who want to say, want to signal that they love what you guys have together is you have a beautiful family. What a beautiful couple. Yeah. It's so great to see you together. Something like that that isn't, and then to these two,

maybe the problem is trying to worry about justifying your sexuality to other people. Maybe you just go about being very happy in your sex life and let other, and not worry about whether people think you're having good sex, you just go ahead and have it because isn't that really the ultimate reward. Yeah, and also the note, but when we're talking about like conversations in college, right, and helping some of these other kids who aren't in the gay circles that I found myself in.

Like, unfortunately, some of us have to hold standards for some of those friends so that they can learn some of these language questions and answers, right? So, you know, heteronormative sex, like teaching them some of the words and the phrases that can feel more inclusive than exclusive. Well, I think that's a really good point. We should tell these two to listen to our episode on sex because it is true that until the 1970s sex was defined as penal penetration of vagina. And I mean, that's, it's so, it is, it's true that that was literally that is sexual intercourse.

Okay, sister, you have a pod sweater of the week too, right? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Here we go. Let's listen to this cat. Hi, Glenin. My name is Alan. I'm calling in to thank you. Tell us in your podcast episode about rules and responsibilities at home. And my wife and I sat down and made the invisible list visible, and I realized that my wife was doing so much because I wasn't doing enough. So since then, I've taken on the laundry and the grocery shopping, go into the grocery store every weekend to buy groceries for the entire week. My wife thanks you, and I thank you. I appreciate it.

I thank you and I thank you, appreciate it. I mean, you can have Olivia and Lindsay, but I have Alan's wife. Alan Alan. Okay, it's life. Alan's wife. I want to tell you that this, if nothing else, the gratification that has come from the overwhelm episode to me,

just in people feeling seen and understood, and also on a personal level, me knowing that I am not, in fact, just a psychopath person, but that I am not, in fact, a person that you're a see-up. That this is a true thing that is happening in Pewt's Side People's heads with the ticker. And then we've heard this a lot, that it's just like the people that are brave enough.

Alan's wife who sat down and said, this is my experience. Will you take the time and listen to this and understand this? And then the people that are brave enough, like, like, sweet Alan, who's like, I will do that. Not only will I do that, I will now start a new practice.

I mean, I just love it. It makes me so happy. Yay, Alan, yay, Alan's wife. That they're having some good sex after that grocery shop too. Tell you what, they're not gonna have to justify their sex to anyone. Oh my God.

That's why Alan sounds so happy on that voicemail. And the year all works out. There is no Afro-Diz-Yak like, hey, do we have hamburger buns in toilet paper? We do. And I didn't procure them. Let's get naked. Let's get naked. And with that. And with that. You guys, we did light things. I know. I said, I said, people. Yeah. All right.

I'm proud of us. We can do hard things, but y'all, don't forget this week. We can also do easy things. Also, I think we should leave people with a Ted Lasso bit of advice for doing easy things You know what the happiest animal on an earth is Glendonabby no, it's a goldfish. Oh You want to know why yeah

Got a 10-second memory Be a goldfish this week guys you just go through life just forget 10 seconds at a time. You got low expectations. You got you got low memory. You just see even 10 seconds at a time. Low expectations and a short-term memory problem. That is the secret. I think I am a goldfish. I think I actually am a goldfish. That's why you're so damn happy. That's why you're 2pm. Okay. I'm an elephant. That's what I am. Alright, my favorite elephant, my favorite goldfish. We will see you all back here next week. We can do hard things. Bye guys.

Bye, love you. We can do hard things, is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts, especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't, don't worry about it. It's fine. you