We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - HAPPYISH HOLIDAYS: Our Top Three Hacks

Episode Date: November 23, 2021

1. How our second holiday hack—“Be unsurprised”—eliminates walking on eggshells around family, and leaving holiday gatherings feeling badly about ourselves or our people.   2. Amanda shares the first time she broke her family’s biggest holiday tradition—and how it’s now one of her most precious memories.  3. Abby remembers watching her mom stress out by preparing and perfecting every holiday detail—and the change she made to minimize her own holiday stress.   4. How carrying around a cup of hot tea serves as Glennon’s super shield. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Whether you're doing a dance to your favorite artist in the office parking lot, or being guided into Warrior I in the break room before your shift, whether you're running on your Peloton tread at your mom's house while she watches the baby, or counting your breaths on the subway. Peloton is for all of us, wherever we are whenever we need it, download the free Peloton app today. Peloton app available through free tier, or pay subscription starting at $12.99 per month. And I continue to believe that I'm the one for me. Hi everybody, it's Glenin. I'm here and and so are you. You came back. What are you

doing? Oh, sorry. That is really good. I think that's how I sound. I know it. Do you know that I actually think about this a lot that what we are doing with our lives right now is broadcasting our voices into people's brains and my voice has been my biggest in well no has been one of my biggest insecurities because people my whole life have made fun of my voice so much they have oh my god yes like I Oh my God! Yes! Like I, at one point, the first ever TV thing I did, I had these agents who actually afterwards, after the thing, pulled me aside and said I had to have training on my voice to change it because it was so annoying. I felt awful about it because they said,

you, no one will listen to you. Like it's painful. You have to talk low and slow. Maybe that's why people like listening to my voice because I sound like a guy. Like what the hell is that about? Well, yes, that's what they were saying. Talk more like a guy because then people will listen to you and take you seriously. Also, I have no idea of people

Like listening to me talking. Yeah, we're really you're so confident That why people love listening to me. Anyway, the point is actually Lots of people like listening to my many mouse on him. Yeah, how you like me now? Exactly. Here we are. We can do hard things like work with our weaknesses. Thank you for coming back to listen to my horrible voice. I love your voice. Thank you. Don't let anybody tell you you're not perfect. You're perfect. Okay. So anyway, speaking of scary things, the holidays are officially upon us. things. The holidays are officially upon us. Ba ba ba. So right after Halloween, I thought, I said, Chase, meme. We speak, he's gen. What does he

gen Z? Gen Z. Yeah. So we, and I'm a mom, so we speak in memes. You speak in Gen Z and millennial. Right. Meme. And so I sent him one that said, now that Halloween's over,

we can go into this really scary holidays where we have to go see our families. In the truly scary holidays, yes. Yes, yes. So I, every year, we as a human species, we just, we just, we have, we're like the Ted Lasso thing. We have memories of a goldfish. Every holiday we go into it, thinking,

this will be the Folger's Commercial Holiday. Right? This will be the one where my family gets their shit together. Everyone is grateful and kind and warm and cozy. And then every year, we are shocked and stunned. When actually we remember that holidays aren't for making us feel happy, they're just making... they just make us feel everything. Deeper. So if like things are good in our family then we feel good. But if we've had loss or we have breakage or we have whatever, then we just feel all of those things more.

So we are here, sister, Abby and I are here to help you through hard holidays. I actually just think that this is our little like get together before our own holidays. I actually just think that this is our little like, get together before our own holiday experiences. What they don't know is the podcast is here to help us. That's exactly right. That's right. Exactly right. Exactly right. Right.

I mean, I think it's a great thing to talk about because it, I feel like part of the pressure of the holidays is not talking about it being hard. You know, so that it, it, it's like the phenomenon is if our family can't be happy on this day of all days, then when can we ever be happy? And it's actually like the flip of that feels more true. It's actually harder to be happy when everything is in such a high pressure moment. Yes, like that. So I feel totally the same way. I mean, I think I look back at the times in my life that are the best as a child. And I watched my mom stress so much, preparing and perfecting every little bit to make sure everybody's experience was as she wanted it to be. As she wanted it to be.

So we do. All the food and every little bit and every tradition was remembered and acted upon. And so just a couple of years ago, remember feeling like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to look like my mom. I'm supposed to be stressed, right? And I mean, a couple of years ago, I was just like, you know what? Like, I don't want to be that way. Like, I want to actually enjoy this. And and what I think it made me kind of delegate a little responsibility over the holidays of like certain, you know, sister when you come and visit like maybe you guys can make a meal one night and you know we're we're gonna try new things this year's but at the end of the day it's like this expectation of the holiday. Yeah, it makes expectation is what screws it's that it's that thing we say over and over again, the thing that screws us up is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be. We were visiting our oldest at college recently and one of the professors said, stop saying

to your kids, these are going to be the best four years of your life. Oh, God. Because first of all, they're actually really tough years. They're exciting, but also really tough. So when you say that to them and they have a hard time, they feel like they're failing. And also, who the hell wants to hear that the best four years of your life are going to be done by the time you're 24? Like that. Just stop saying that shit. And you know what?

That's the pressure we have on the holiday. It's the most wonderful time of the year. It should just be like, it's the most time of the year. Yeah, exactly. That's so good. It's the most time of the year. Yeah, exactly. Because that's so good. It's the most of everything. We take, it's the most sounds. It's the most people.

Color. The most obligations. It's the most lights. Expectations. It's just most. And since it's the most advertised to us, this vibe we're supposed to have, we are chasing this vibe that we feel

responsible, mostly parents, mostly moms, I'll say, to create. So, I mean, our kids, do you remember last year, Tisha sitting in the, in the freaking living room? Everything's decorated, all the things, the fake fires on the TV, the fake candles come out actually going to bake cookies, but I have the the cookie candles. Smells like things are baking. Everything is going and she's like, I just don't feel like it's Christmas. Because it was like kind of a weird Christmas because it was COVID remember. Right, but I just feel like it's that feeling of I'm in key. I'm in key. I'm in key. Kyoto

missing coyote. It's like, it's that feeling where you're in the moment and you're still yearning for this thing because the thing you're yearning for is not real. It's created by the TV. That's right. Right. So really what the holidays are, it's just like a day or whatever where we where it's the most where it brings up the most feelings. So what we know is that we can do hard things, like get through the holidays. I mean, I don't know. I'll let you know. Actually, that's a good point.

I will let you know. Okay, so how about this? We can do hard things like talk about the holidays for the next hour. We can talk about the hard holidays. Okay, all right, all right. We'll take that. Let's start with the next.

And also just before we start, I just wanna say this, just gotta clear my conscience. I told Chase, go have the time of your life. That was the last thing I said to him before he left her college. And so now I just need to tell you that

that I messed up. Okay, so when he comes home, you just say what I meant was go have a time. Go have a time. Yeah, but the time of your life. Go have a time of your life. You can always be having the time of your life. If you're in that time of your life,

it's saying specifically, these finite four years are the best you got. So fuck it up. Okay, so I didn't have a bad parenting moment. No, you just mediocre. I could have been better. Well, I just, you Okay, so I didn't, I didn't have a bad parenting moment. No, you just mediocre. I could have been better. Well, I just, you know, and then it's like who all the kids who don't go to college.

And actually for me, college was one of the worst times of my life. And it's just, you know, I think you did great. Okay, we could move on. I have cleared my conscience and we're good now. Okay. Thank you. Okay, sister, start us off because the next right thing,

as we know, is always looking at the dragon in the snow globe, always telling the truth first. So let's start there. Yes. Okay, since we're talking today about the hard truth of our lives and families and holidays, it makes sense to start with and thank the truth about this holiday, specifically. So this holiday purports to mark friendship among indigenous peoples and pilgrims. But the truth is that the first settlers

and the US governments forced removals, theft of land, biological warfare with smallpox and massacres actually was genocide. So the population of indigenous people went from 15 million before Columbus's arrival to fewer than 238,000 over the course of 400 years. It's just good to say that right out loud. And so we're not perpetuating a myth. And also I feel like over the holidays, it has so much to do with home and ritual.

So it's important to tell the truth about the places we call home. And including acknowledging that we live on the ancestral stolen land of indigenous people. I live on the land of the Piscataway and you live on the land of the Tongba. So if can I have like two minutes to tell you about this land since you're new to this to that area. So you're living on indigenous land that was known for thousands of years as the Tovanaar, and that means the world.

So it's the land of the Tongva. Tongva means people of the earth because of their belief that humans were not the peak of creation, but just part of a web that stemmed from mother earth. And they lived in constant relation and reciprocity with that land that you're on for thousands of years, in like a hundred different villages right around where you are. Until Spanish settlers arrived and they stole their land and enslaved them in the missions that they set up there,

they were forced to abandon their rituals undecimated by European diseases. And then the US took control over California. At that point, they were denied their basic rights and their children were taken from them and forced into Indian boarding schools. And they were not formally acknowledged by the California government until 1994.

And they've never been recognized by the federal government or being granted land. So they have no place to live or gather or bury their ancestors. But there are still 2,500 tongue-willed people in the region, and they are resilient, and they do a lot around you to preserve their artifacts and heritage and resurrect their language. So to everybody listening, we can do hard things like talk to our kids about the land that they're living on. And you can do this. You can learn about the land where you live at native, slat, wait, what is that? At native-land.ca.

Okay, so that's, so it's CA, but everybody can learn there, not just people from California. Okay, native-land.ca. Go there with your kiddos and talk about the truth about this country. I'm Jonathan M. Hevar. I'm a podcast producer and someone who likes fancy things.

But I grew up working class. My parents were immigrants with factory jobs. And because of that, I think about class a lot. And I want to talk about it. That's what we're doing on my new podcast, Classy. And what did you all eat? You know, trailer food. I was like, girl, we're not doing that anymore.

You'll hear from people who told me awkward, embarrassing, and strangely intimate things about what class means to them. She said, you know, for the house cleaner, I hide the tag on the $6 bread, and I just thought, don't you think she knows that you're wealthy? You're hiding the tags from yourself. Classy. A new podcast from Pineapple Street Studios. Available now, wherever you get your podcasts. hacks. Okay, besides telling the truth, we have more. And on this list of holiday hacks, you will not find things such as how to get your cooking done or your shopping done. Okay, those are not the hacks of which I understand. Okay, so go to a different podcast or source

to learn how to do adulting things here. We talk less about adulting and more about humaning. Okay, so our hacks are about to, are about how to get through the humaning part of the holidays. Right, okay. And our by definition not hacks, because aren't hacks like super easy things to do. Yeah, I actually don't think hard hacks here.

Yeah, yeah. I think that the words people might have gotten this wrong We read hacks on a meme and we were like good. Let's get some of those. That sounds fun. Yeah, good I love the show God's children get hacks. Yeah, so here's your unhack Okay, here's your first unhack and What we're calling the first hack is number one, it's your first unhack. And what we're calling the first hack is, number one, it's your effing holiday.

That's our hack. I am subtitling it, normalize not doing shit you hate over the holidays. Okay, that is exactly right. Okay, yes. So it might seem like an obvious one, but I am telling you every single one of my friends, like all three of them. You know what? You kind of keep making fun of yourself, but guess who's

getting friends? I know I am. I'm working on it. I'm so excited. So for all five of my friends. Yes, it's not three. It's five. So when they talk about the holidays, they talk about why they hate it. And then they list. The reason they hate it is because they tell me all the things they have to do that they hate. Okay, but so I keep thinking, what if like would we hate the holidays less

if we stop doing the things we hate on the holidays? That's right. Okay, like how would we untame the holidays. That's right. Okay. Like how would we untame our holidays in that way? Do you have any ideas for us, sister bear? Okay, or I have ideas. I'll be bare. Sister go for it. No, sister go. Mine have everything to do with cooking. So sister go, I want to hear yours. Mine have nothing to do with cooking. hear yours. Mine have nothing to do with cooking. Um, well, I just, it's, it's completely true. 45% of Americans say that they would prefer just to skip the winter holidays. Oh, bless them. That is almost half of all the people are just like just prefer, just bump January. I mean, that's, that's so sad. And I don't think it's because we I think

people love parts of the holidays. I just think that we love parts that that don't make up a large part of the pie chart that we spend our holiday time on. Yes. I was in the post office a couple weeks ago. and I met a new friend. I don't know her name. But we were talking about the holidays coming up. Okay, this is what I surmised in the 10 minute conversation with her. She is, she grew up with a very complicated holiday situation.

So she desperately wants to be by herself on the holidays, doing something different. She wants to take a trip or something. I love her already. I love her too. But her sister can't bear the thought of her being by herself on the holidays because her sister can't imagine being alone on the holidays. I love her too. Yes. So my post office friend is going to lie to her sister

and say she's spending the holidays with her best friend so that her sister won't save her from the holiday she wants and for sure to have the holiday her sister wants for her. So it's crazy and I don't tell my post office written this because I'm very proud of her for just trying to get what you guys.

Yes, that's a good lie. But I think just why can't folks decide what feels like a holiday to them since it actually is their holiday? I know. I know. Like it's a no. And it's hard I think because people just feel like this is the way it's always been done, or everyone holds so tightly to this vision of what they think it should be.

But I was thinking back, and I remember the first time I kind of broke with our family traditions. And this is odd because our, in our family growing up the biggest holiday of the year was New Year's Eve because that was we have a billion teen cousins in Ohio and it was the one time of the year where the whole family got together. So we would drive all the way up. Everybody would meet there all the cousins and the aunts and uncles and all the people and we had all kinds of traditions and rituals and ridiculousness.

And I never missed one, like all through college, all through law school. And then right after I got divorced, I just didn't feel like it because it's not that I didn't feel like it. It's like I felt like doing something different. Like I wanted to do something that just actually felt like a relief. I think, yes, I think it's, I think it's the idea of we act like we don't need a holiday. Just, but I needed to go do something that filled me up. Yes. And I think we just think holiday insert all of these obligations as opposed to holiday is actually for the filling of me. Yeah. That's good. And of my people. And so I, it was awkward because it was kind of like record. you know, I'm not coming this year and I

instead I went to Costa Rica with a friend and also packed like six pairs of high heels because I did not read the itinerary but we were in the rain forest and legit did and it was yes and but missing that holiday tradition, I think about it a lot because it's now one of my most precious memories. And I think it's because I was so close to not doing it. And I just remember watching the sky above me on the OSAPAN insula when the new year bring in and like all of the paper lanterns going up and I remember feeling so full of wonder and newness and feeling like, oh, I can feel wonder and newness. And that was a new feeling to me again. And also Carlos with a K because that memory has only about 95% to do. I remember Carlos with a K and his dog name danger. Yes. Yes. Carlos with a K and

a dog named danger. I know this is going like red flag green, green flag. Happy New Year. But sister's painting those red flags green all the time. Go ahead. But the point is is that I feel like just if we viewed all of the things that we do every year as options and experiments, like you, you should be experimenting to see if what you're choosing to do with your time and your family's time is working for you and your family to fill yourself up. You know, is it actually feel correct? Can I make an aside about that? I feel like it's very, it just reminded me of that year after the divorce. If anyone is listening to this and is going through a transition of life, like any kind

of breakup or divorce or you lost a job or anything that your family culture will seem big, just please, please for the love of God. Like use this fleeting moment of freedom because it is like the, it's like you're playing Mario Brothers and you just like hit the superstar. You have this, this rare moment of temporary invincibility where no one can say shit to you. That like, use it.

Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Where no one can say shit to you that like use it use it something you want for the holidays And it would and and you'll get away with it and you should and you'll be very happy Yeah, go ahead and surprise yourself. Yeah, that's that magic You thought it's also you chose yourself. Yeah, and that is a magic. That's a revolution Yeah, feeling revolution and you were looking at that because breaking free from tradition Tradition is what keeps us It's an important thing, right? There's no this is an end both situation totally but tradition really keeps us caged in certain ways You know, it's like what they call tradition peer pressure from dead people

Seriously like we can think it through. What if our tradition is there's it's like choosing this the letter of the law over the over the spirit of the law? Like what if the tradition each holidays? What does what do I and my family need this year to feel free and held and fueled and loved and relaxed and whatever. What if that's the tradition? Yes. And then you move parts because families or people are not static. Like what created something beautiful 20 years ago might very well not be what this particular person and this particular family need in this moment this year. So when we use that, it's using an old blueprint for what our family needs right now.

I totally agree. And I think, you know, for you listener out there, who might be also experiencing some sort of transition or divorce, my choice during my divorce went very differently than sisters. And I just want to put that out there that some people might not have the ability to go to Costa Rica or have a life-changing experience like you did. I just sat in a hotel room by myself during the holiday of Thanksgiving.

One year that and honestly it was like the saddest experience. So like looking back, maybe I could have done something a little bit more productive. And I think what sister you're saying is like, there is a choice you have. And like, you get to choose yourself. And this moment might not last because guess what? I met you and our family six months later. And here I am having like totally different family holidays. I think you probably knew what you needed in that moment though, because sometimes I think when we go through something that brutal, it's like we're, you know how crabs, like, they, they, they, mold and they have to, they lose their hard shell, and they're soft shell crabs for a while,

because the, and so when they are, when they're molting, when they're transforming because they've grown, it's a growth pattern, they have to hide because they're so vulnerable because they don't have a hard shell. Oh, that was totally me. Right, they have, so they instinctively know that they're more vulnerable and sometimes when we, when we step back into family patterns, we know, like, think about, you probably knew in your soul that this person was gonna say this and that person was gonna ask

that question and that like you were not at your strongest and you were in a moment where you were a soft shell crab and so you needed to like do the equivalent of burrowing under a coral reef or whatever crab do. This makes me feel really sad for soft shell crabs that get eaten. I feel proud of them because they know what they need. No, I know what the ones that get eaten. Yeah, those are the ones who went back to their families for the holidays.

Exactly. Exactly. They didn't listen to their instinct, which should say, hide, hide. They bowed to the tradition of crab-fing families forever. Their mother called and said, what the hell do you mean, little crab? You're not coming back for the holidays.

And instead of standing strong, those crabs went and now look what happened. They're dead. Crab cakes. Crab cakes. Don't be a crab cake. It's all a crab cakes. And it's such a good point because it's not just,

it's what works for you year to year. I mean, people who are going through grief, something that may have, you know, filled you up for the past 10 years, in this moment. Yes. Might not, and you have to be able to, you know, honor your traditions and honor your needs. And if honoring your needs makes you

not be able to honor your traditions, you need to just go with that. Amen. Choose that. Yes. And just practice. Like, sometimes it's just an extra minute. It's like, wait, before this all starts, you know, it's all starting.

Sit down and take a minute and be like, wait, what do I want from these holidays? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? It's not just like, what does my family want from me? What does everyone want from me? I'm just gonna go and do it. But like an intentional moment of like,

what do I need from these holidays? I mean, I remember trying to weed through some of the traditions that we've had. And sit down with your kids too. If you have them, I mean, Tish won't let us get rid of anyone of tradition. She's a whole life.

She's a tradition hoarder. She is. I mean, and anything every year, if get rid of anyone of our tradition. She's a horde. She's a tradition hoarder. She is. I mean, anything every year. If it's new that we've done it, it is now officially a tradition in our family and we will continue doing this for you. That's why we have to be so careful starting things with her. But I also want to suggest that there are small things. Like, yes, not, you know, because so many people are going, I can't not go to see my family.

I get that, you know, there's that. But there are small things you can do for us. I remember having this, my parents are with us every Christmas and they are gift people. So they spend like all year creating these beautiful gifts. And so what would happen is that on Christmas morning, there would be this time where they were presenting their gifts. And it was so important to them

that it would end up stressing everyone out because it needed to be this like very big presentation. But we kept doing it every year, every year, we kept doing it until we figured out, okay, we're not gonna, that's a beautiful tradition, we're not gonna throw it away. But what if we give mom and dad Christmas Eve? What if Christmas Eve is when they do their presents

because that's a calmer time, like the kids don't have other gifts around so they're not distracted. And then Christmas morning is the free for all, right? So I just feel like if there's moments in the holidays that are creating misery or stress, sometimes it's creativity and not just throwing the thing out. Right. And there's so many little just because it's working for everyone else,

doesn't mean that it's working for you and all those little microchangers, like I have a friend, her parents were divorced. And basically she was like time clocked on, you know, you go, Chris is warning for here. And if you, that's got to be for two hours and 15 minutes. And then you've got to make sure you get in the car at this time and go here for two hours and 15 minutes and not make. So her thing is my immediate family. It's the first like three hours known as loud in our house with your extra agendas. And then after that, there is no agenda because her kind of core, you know, trauma around Christmas was, oh, it has to do with equitable splitting up of all the minutes.

And so it's just knowing yourself enough to know what actually is going to feel like I can breathe well. Yes. Also not for nothing, just deciding on quantity. Like 70% of people, their primary feeling during the holidays is stress over not having enough time and stress over not having enough money. But we get to choose how we allocate our time and we get to choose how we allocate our dollars. So it's not like a, it's a trap to go in without intentions. But if you're just like practicing, that's not gonna work for us this year. We're, here's the four things we love to do over the holidays. And that's what we're doing.

And also here's how much money we're gonna spend and we're not gonna spend more than that. Yes, yes, it's like the energy difference're going to spend, and we're not going to spend more than that. Yes. Yes. It's like the energy difference of the energetic difference of like, I just don't have enough time to make everyone happy. And like, I don't have enough time to make everyone happy. So I'm not going to try. And not a problem, just not a problem.

You literally don't have time to make people happy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Our kids are not allowed. They have their little Christmas lists and they're locked by Thanksgiving. Nobody's allowed to add another thing to their Christmas list after Thanksgiving. It's coming up. So they're like, obviously, you know, friends are finishing.

They're, they're, they're strong right now. They're like, oh, and they, and, and, and because then you, they're not spending, we're not spending a moment of our freaking rest of our weeks. What do you want? What do you, it's so, it's so ugly in here. And my kids always two days before decide that, in fact, the one big gift that they'd been asking for for six months is in fact not the thing they want, which I've already wrapped.

Well, because the advertising is so. You told them. Yes. And it's never been more intense than in December. So if they mentally know there's nothing else, like that's it. Then it's sort of like a resistance to all of that. You know, and for us, then we're not worrying about it. It's like, I don't know. That's just a little thing. It's a smart idea. I think that's a hashtag hack. Is that a hashtag hack?

It is. Hack lists do by Thanksgiving. Yeah. But now I'm trying to hack it out and I don't know how hacks work, but I'm really excited that that might be a hack. I think it is. Great, great, great. Okay, so it's your Fing holiday with number one. Number two, and I don't have a whole lot to say about this because I haven't nailed this one at all, but I just want to talk

about it, which it's the fact that the holidays for people who have food and body issues. What I can say is for me, the holidays are a shit show of like all of the food stuff coming up. And I think it's a combination of a lot of things. It's like that there is so much food wrapped around in the holiday stuff, but it's also because when we go back into tradition or to family or to anything that like drives us toward the old, that brings up all of the patterns

that kind of led us to eating disorders anyway. So I just think there's an awareness that we have where we are people with eating stuff are kind of soft shell crabs during the holidays. So we don't have our hard shell and we're maybe out of our structure, whatever. So knowing that I try to eat big meals, I try to eat a big breakfast, eat a big lunch and eat a big dinner.

Like that makes me, I think what we do sometimes is when we're worried about food, we're like, okay, I'm gonna, it's a Thanksgiving or whatever. And I'm gonna have a huge dinner, so I have to starve myself. I have to not eat. And then I'll be okay to eat dinner. Like that whole, that ritual that everybody on the planet does,

it's so close. It's so close. Yeah, it doesn't help us because it brings back the scarcity feelings and the, it's just like, what I'll say is for me it's important to like feed myself feed myself feed myself through feed myself again feed my like I get I deserve to eat every day of the holidays even if I had a big meal the night before even if it's just a time to let yourself be juicy and human and trust your appetite and just and then I constantly I actually do this every day of my life. So it's maybe not a holiday hack. It's just like a

human hack is that I constantly carry around a cup of tea or coffee all the time. It's like my hands around a mug remind me of the fact that I am, I don't know, cozy, loved. It's like the warmth of it just makes me feel good. It's the oral fixation of having something right there. It makes me feel strong and loved and okay. It's a shield of some sort. And I don't, I wasn't gonna say that because I don't know how to explain it. It's a shield of some sort. And I don't, I wasn't gonna say that because I don't know how to explain it.

It's like shield. I feel serious about myself. Yeah, exactly. And like I could throw this tionny if I need to. Yeah, come at me. Yeah, it's hot. It reminds me of like if I'm going into a social situation, I will sometimes, especially if it's a wedding,

I will chew gum. Huh. I don't know why that feels like a shield to me. Yeah, because you're like, look at me in my jawline. I am serious. Well, and it's like, I can't talk, because I'm chewing gum. Ha, ha, ha.

You don't want to. You don't want to call us. You don't want to call us. You don't want to call us. We know you're not supposed to chew gum at weddings. We know we're not, it's, I don't care. That's a tradition. If I have to chew gum and a wedding,

that I'm gonna, I can't drink. Are you kidding me? So you can have six vodka's, but I can't have double mint. Yeah, that's right. I was just gonna say the tea thing is a great call and a, for sober people, because I feel like that's a whole

another huge aspect to the holidays. Yes. You know why y'all can handle this? You know why you can get through this? Is because you are wasted. Yes. Can we, that's a hack. Sober people get to do whatever the hell they want.

I mean, Abby and I will never be anywhere past nine o'clock. Yeah. Because when people start drinking, bless you. We love you. We love you. We do not judge you except a little bit after nine o'clock. Yeah. Because when people start drinking, bless you. We love you. We love you. We do not judge you, except a little bit after nine o'clock because everybody thinks they're hilarious.

Everybody's saying things that maybe they wouldn't say. Just get a little more. A little bit more obnoxious. And like nothing ever after nine or ten o'clock, like nothing good ever, nothing good happens after nine o'clock or nine o'clock. Right. Well, Nothing good happens after 9 o'clock. Right. Well, you're having different experiences. I have the same thing. Like I really just everyone who is sober listening over the holidays, like you get to be

odd too. Okay. Yes. Because it's not just you being odd. Everyone's being odd. The person over there, she's under 12th string. She's saying some crazy shit. If you wanna go sit on a couch in another room,

that's just as odd as what everyone else is doing. That's right. So just do, I have given myself blanket authorization to do whatever I want. Because even being a sober person over the holidays is a thing you're actively doing all the time. And everybody else has their strategy of just drinking to survive.

You get to use your strategy. And you should, and you should, which is leaving, which is removing yourself, which is whatever you need to do. I love that. There's this one weird thing that I wanna say that I do that is strange because I'm not an outside person, but there's something about holiday days

that makes me need to go stand outside in the cold, cold, cold, maybe every couple of hours. I don't know what it is, but whatever, whatever home I'm in, it's beautiful. And there's so many people there. And all these are happening, but I have to step outside. It's take a deep breath and just give my, it's like not enough to be in a different room. I have to be outside. Little breaks outside for a few moments and deep breaths out there. If you just, just try it. It's like almost like, you know how they say taking cold showers, wakes you up. Sometimes

it can get really daunting being with a lot of family during the holidays that like getting outside, if it's cold where you live, like it's like a good splash. Like it's like getting yourself like woken back up to like, oh, what are my boundaries? Where, why am I here? Like am I good? Are you okay? It's like checking in with yourself.

That's what it is. It's a little meeting with yourself or you're reminding yourself of who you are, of all the good things, right? Yeah, because it's very easy to get wound up and to get wrapped up in all of your familial rememberings. Now you can loss. All of those ways. Like, oh, oh, here, here's my brother and sister. They're teasing me again, because this is the way of my family. Or here we go down this weird road again. And I don't love this road. It's like the touch tree. That's what it is. The leaving is the like returning to my touch tree when I get a little bit lost.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. So, so work in those those touch tree moments where you get to check in with yourself. One thing that just to circle back to the food bit, one thing that I've done. So the the first Thanksgiving we spent together, I made from scratch because that was like my value add to our family is cooking. I made from scratch all of the food. Oh yeah. And I spent three days, not only cooking it, but prepping it, it was like a whole week, like buying all the food, then prepping it, then making the plan for when and how we were gonna do this with like one little oven.

And so long story short, what we ended up doing was, okay, it's still important to me to cook the turkey. So I get a pre-cooked turkey, and then I I you know, jujure it up in the way that I like to put some butter and cook it. But then what we've decided and yes this is a privileged position but like we just go get like already pre-made holiday sides. And that has freed up an entire week of my life. So if you have the means to be able to do that,

to be able to buy some of your time back, do it. Well, ended up being cheaper. It actually did. Then make buying all the right. And it's not just a privilege thing. Like, that we do it for Thanksgiving with our, we basically do like a potlock situation. Yeah. And I think it's like it takes a hit on your part because you're like, I am not presenting the thing. But the same thing, I was like, no, thank you, ma'am. Like I am delighted to have everyone over and that's what I love to do. And also everyone bring a thing. Yes, that's right. And guess what? It doesn't taste that much worse or better. No, it tastes better because I'm making the one thing they know how to make.

Yeah, exactly. Well, remember the year before you came, you were kind of appalled by this. But you said, what did you do last year? I said, we got our dinner from the grocery store. He was like, oh, did you, like, you did that package or you ordered it? And I was like, no, I went to the buffet. Like the day of Thanksgiving, I went to the buffet, and I stopped to the hot bar, and I took you to a bunch of shit into plastic containers. And the turkey was like slat, like little cuts of, you know, that you'd put in the shell

of fish and it was already sliced. It was already sliced. There was stuffing in there, there was potatoes. I mean brilliant. And I just, and I put them on the table, and I just, and it was fine. Yeah, totally. It was fine.

Totally. OK. That's great. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK.

OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK.

OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. So number two was the number two hack was eat drink breath. Okay? Eat drink breath. Good luck.

It's a good idea. Now, I feel strongly that this is the most important one. Yes, it is. It's a sister bear. This is the most important a holiday and perhaps life hack. We can all offer you precious ones, okay? And we are calling number three, be unsurprised. Sister, can you just start us off with this one?

Since my favorite ever. Okay, so 100% we know what our family is. Right, like the key, maybe to life and but to the holidays is not allowing ourselves to be surprised about what is 0% surprising. So in order to have peace and integrity and not walk away from holiday events and the holidays in general feeling like shit about ourselves

and maniacal about our families is just picking our 10% okay? So our 10% is what will inevitably go down with our families over the holidays that we will for sure act to ourselves as if it's shocking. Okay, okay. And then they are the kind of things, if you're trying to think of these,

the kind of things that we will leave feeling ick about ourselves, they will be the kind of things that we carry with us, the kind of things that we carry with us, the kind of things that we have to get in the car and immediately talk to the person in the car about. Yeah. And debrief on. So they're, so like the comments about why we're not married yet. How many wait watchers points those potatoes might be only because she's super curious. And also like anything

that's a dog whistle of homophobia racism. It's like we have to pick those 10% of our family stuff that insults our soul. Okay, so these are the mountains we're willing to die on. Yeah, and the good news is we do not have to die. You're right. You're right. No, that's like, they're just the things that by thinking of them and preparing for them in advance, we don't spend the whole time walking on eggshells holding our breath because they wouldn't dare do it. Because yes, they wouldn't dare. They would dare. They would dare. They double dare you every time.

They're gonna do that thing. And so we just, then we don't have to be scared about it happening. And then we don't have to leave berating ourselves for not saying what we wish we would have said. And just think about it in the shower for the next six weeks. Exactly. So basically what you're saying is you're going to spend the time preparing the retort anyway. Usually what we do is we do it when it's too late. It's happening back then.

Yes. We spend the whole year preparing the retort we should have said before afterwards. So what we're going to do instead is we're going to take even just it's going to be less time. Yeah, we're just going to do it ahead of time instead. Prepare for it. We're going to prepare our retort to dog whistles, to racism, to homophobia, to the thing that our aunt is going to say about not being married to whatever we know is going to happen. We are going to be ready. So instead of egg shells dreading, we're're almost gonna be hoping that that shit comes. Yeah.

So you can say I think, and we're not mad about it. I'm not mad that 2 plus 2 equals 4. Okay. Do we're not mad? We're just like, Dorothy. Dorothy. Right. Here's my response to Dorothy.

And, and, you know, and that's brave. That takes some courage. Right. But we think in advance of it and we're not trying to be courageous. We're trying to have ourselves remain intact in the most. Integrity. We're trying to make the outside self and the inside self one be integrated.

So we're not abandoning ourselves by letting things go that we should not. That's right to me. And it feels like that's the part that makes us feel Iq when we leave our families is because we let that 10% chip off of us. And then we're wondering, am I really 100% me? Because in that moment, I wasn't. And so I think also that's a service to ourselves, but it's also a service to our families.

Because the 10% that we choose to make our existence in that space align with our beliefs and our boundaries, and the way we view the world. Making ourselves show up in those 10% of the spaces is what moves families down the field. Yes, and it makes dread, you will dread family interactions less. Yes.

And you will break terrible old familial patterns that need to be broken. Because racism and homophobia and all of that shit, those are traditions. Yeah. I mean, listen, my mom and mom, I love you so much if you're listening. Just turn up the volume a little bit. Down. Turn it up.

No, turn it up. I want you to listen to this. Because I'm going to have a moment. Almost every single time that I'm on the face time with my mom, I haven't done my hair, I have basically what's called a mohawk. I shaved the sides of my head. And this is not a look my mother loves because it's evidently more gay to her or something. I'm not sure exactly because I've never had this conversation with her. But at the end of the day, she always says, whenever I'm not, I have not done my hair just so that you can see the shave on the

sides. It's fallen over the shave. It looks like kind of like a normal short haircut, right? Like a bob, a bobbish. I don't know. Yeah, a short bob. She's always like, oh my gosh, I love your hair like that so much. She doesn't understand that I know that that's like her dog whistle to me. That's like, please don't wear your hair in the really gay way. You know what I mean? And I don't

think that she thinks of it like that. I don't think that she's conscious of it. I think that she's just trying to like compliment me and it's this backhanded thing. So it's like, maybe one of these days I'm going to get the courage and be like, mom, this is who I am. Whether my hair is this way or that way. Like, I am gay and proud of it. And also like, stop the charade of like, you thinking that you're gonna somehow control my way of being. And that's just like at the end of the day. It's like, we just gotta keep accepting people through. They are.

So this is a long story. It's so exactly right. Yeah, at the end of the day. It's like we just gotta keep accepting people who they are. So this is a long story. It's so exactly right. Yeah, at the end of the day, it's like I need to get brave enough to be like, Mom, I really love you. And I know you mean well here. But please stop commenting on my hair because it's too loaded.

Yes. It's too loaded. That's a good, there's too much loaded in it for me that I always leave those interactions feeling bad about myself. Mm-hmm. You know? And that's I think like what we're kind of saying with some of this family, like that little zinger, like and mothers with like, oh, I love, have you lost weight or?

Yeah. Or this. You look so great. And finally, you look like shit for the decade before this. Yes, no. Because they're so much loaded in what we say to each other. And I'm not perfect either. But I just think that there's a little bit of consciousness that we can bring into some

of this. Yeah. And there's your 10% right? I mean, what you just said that's loaded for me, that's your 10% of preparation because actually babe, when you got off the phone the other day, I talked to you right away. You were like, you said to me, she said it again. She always says it. She always always says it. And so it's like wait a minute if we know she always says it Why aren't we more prepared because then we have to spend so much time afterwards? It's so true thinking of what we would have said But then we don't say it again. Yeah, and the

unsurpassed. Yeah, unsurpassed. And be prepared. So like when your uncle says the racist thing, when your mom asks you why you're not married, when your aunt asks you if you're still gay, when your brother asks you if you're starting your diet to still gay. When your mother-in-law asks if maybe you've ever considered brushing your children's hair, like just be prepared.

And that and both end. So be unsurprised and be prepared for the 10%. Like that is yours to do, right? and the other thing that is yours to do is then let your family Do what they do that's right you're gonna just your your focus on that 10% and then the rest of your focus is on letting our families be exactly What they are exactly as regrettably and delightfully as they are, because we are being unsurprised and we are letting them be.

Right. We're not changing them. We're not changing them on Thanksgiving. No, we're not. But we are also not changing ourselves. I love it. All right, so in short, you have three next straight things, this holiday season.

Number one, remember that it's your effing holiday. Okay, number two, eat, drink, what you're supposed to drink, whatever that is. Breathe, okay? And number three, shit, what was number three? Be unsurprised. Be unsurprised. And also, we'll be back here on Thursday for ya.

We will be here for you on Thursday. Okay, if you need a pit stop, if you need a touch tree, a place to remember. On your drive to your family. We will be with you. When when the holidays get hard, don't forget. We can do hard things. See you Thursday. I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlyle. And I continue to believe that I'm the one for me, and because I mine, I want the Cause we're adventurous and heartbreak So man, a final destination You're glad, you stopped asking directions

Some places they've never been And to be loved we need to be known We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain That our lives bring We can do a heartache I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new star I'm not the problem sometimes things fall apart And I continue to believe the best people are free And it took some time, but I'm finally fine.

Cause we're adventurous and heartbreak, so mad. A final destination with land, we stopped asking directions So places they've never been And to be loved we need to be known But finally find a way back home And through the joy and pain that our lives bring, we can do a heartache. This world finished her rose and heart breaks on my mind. We might get lost but we're only in that stop-dasking directions Some places they've never been

And to be loved we need to be long We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain that our lives bring. We can do hard things. Yeah, we can do hard things. Yeah, we can do hard things. We can do hard things, is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts, especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if

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