We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Why We All Lie & How Honest Can We Be?

Episode Date: April 13, 2023

Julia Louis-Dreyfus joins us to dive deep into: going to therapy with her 87-year-old mom, how to love adult kids well, the metaphor that got her through breast cancer, and why we should all be excited about getting older.  About Julia:  Julia Louis-Dreyfus is one of Hollywood’s most influential, iconic actors and producers. She starred in and executive produced HBO’s hit series Veep, she was Elaine Benes in Seinfeld and Christine Campbell in The New Adventures of Old Christine. She has received 11 Emmys with 26 nominations; she broke records for the most Emmys won. She was recently honored with the White House’s National Medal of Arts, the highest award given to artists who advance the arts in the United States.   On April 11, she released her new podcast, “Wiser Than Me,” a 10-part series of candid, witty conversations with women over 70. And her fantastic new film You Hurt My Feelings is being released in May.   TW: @OfficialJLD IG: @officialjld To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things. I can't even, I'm just going to jump right into this. We have a treat and a half for you today. Because today joining us on the pod is Julia Louis Dreyfus. We all know her as one of Hollywood's most influential iconic actors and producers. She starred an executive produced HBO's hit series VEEP. She was Elaine Bennis in Seinfeld in Christine Campbell in the new adventures of Old Christine.

She has won 11 Emmys with 26 nominations, breaking records for the most Emmys ever won. She was recently honored with the White House's National Medal of Arts. That was so beautiful to see. The highest award given to artists who advance the arts in the United States. Good job advancing the arts.

Thank you. That was my intention. Yes. Yes. Yeah, and it's so hard to tell who's advancing it, so it's good to know. So thank Yes. Yeah. And it's so hard to tell who's advancing it. So it's good to know. So thank you. Thank you. She just released her new podcast, Why is there than me a 10 part series of candid witty conversations with women over 70. I cannot wait for this. So good. We got to listen to two secret episodes. Yes. So good. And her fantastic new film, you hurt my feelings, which I just, we're going to

talk about that later, because now I'm rethinking the ways that I parent. And it's just really done. It unbroad me to tell you the damn truth is being released in May. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me and for that lovely introduction. Thank you so much. What a treat to be on your Groovy Fabulous Successful podcast. Okay, so our new t-shirts that we're going to weigh around the house. Yeah, I'm going to say Groovy. Groovy.

I'm going to say Groovy. I'm going to say Groovy. I'm going to say Groovy. I'm going to say Groovy. I'm going to say Groovy. I'm going to say Groovy. I'm going to say Groovy. I'm going to say Groovy. I'm going to say Groovy. I'm going to say Groovy. That is a good thing for a t-shirt. Grueb being successful. Grueb being successful. Because you can be successful and decidedly not groovy. Most people who are groovy. Excitedly not successful.

It's a good cocktail. I just don't know if Glenin or Amanda are groovy. We're not. We're not groovy at all. We're ungrieved. We don't have a groove to be found. Speaking of, I would love to talk to you about women and being funny because I'm funny. I am not Julia Louis Drifus funny, but I am funny

enough to have it be one of my favorite things about myself. And I didn't know that being funny was something powerful about me until I went to college when I was in like a total immersion program with these dozen other hilarious women. And before that, I had kind of thought my job was to be most attractive when I was adaptable and kind of letting other people shine. And I've heard you say that going to an all-girls school was really wonderful for you because you could be outspoken and joker.

And I just wondered, what is it about the power of women being funny and about being with all women that allows folks to unlock that? Do you think that that's true? Well, it was true for me to a certain extent. I did go to an all-girl school from third to 12th grade and actually full disclosure, it was a very conservative school. But there's something about the all-female experience, certainly in terms of being in

junior high and high school and being with only women, that affords a kind of assertiveness and directness, it helps engender that in a way that I think would, speaking for myself, would not have been the case if boys were there. I would have demured to boys in an effort to stupidly get the boys. And I was, when I was in high school and stuff, I was involved with student council and I was president of this class and I did all of these things. I'm pretty sure I would not have gone for that if it had been in a co-ed situation. By the way, this was the 70s too, so different time.

I also very much, I think, to a certain extent push back against the system there. Certainly towards, you know, my junior and senior year, I was a tad rebellious. I sort of against the conservative infrastructure of the school. And I don't know. I think that all served me well moving forward and going to college. And do you think funniness is a way of asserting yourself? Why aren't we funny when we're young around boys? Well, I mean, I certainly hope that we are. And I certainly hope young women are if that's how they're built, you know, not everybody has to be hilarious or anything like that, but I do believe it's a powerful way to communicate. And I think there are certain boys that can be threatened by that.

Not necessarily the boys you might want to hang with, but I do think that there is a powerfulness to that that can be threatening. It isn't always, but it can be anyway. In my experience, I have found that that a lot of men have been jealous. I used to play soccer. So I am respected in a way that I think probably a lot of funny women are in some ways respected by men and then hated by the men who also aren't funny, right? Like because that's a standard in our culture that little boys and men, that's like something

that they want to be. They want to be funny. Oh, interesting. It's a way of taking control of a situation too. Don't you think? Yeah. Yeah, it's like the opposite if the ideal little girl way is to be unassuming. To be funny assumes a lot.

You're like, I am assuming that the I should come to me. I'm assuming I have something to say. I'm assuming it might go well. It's such a risk too. It is. It's always a risk. Yeah. I mean, it's always a risk to put yourself out there. But it is definitely a strong way of communicating. Speaking of risks, when your mother was 60, she wrote to a letter and she was talking about some things that happened in your family and she said, I wish that we could talk about what happened. And you called her and said, what's stopping us? And that's how you started therapy with your mom when she was 60.

No, not when she was 60 when I was 60. When you were 60. Yes. Okay, so that's how you started therapy with your mom when you were 60. When I was 60 and she was 87. Get out of here. That is awesome. Where'd a God?

Yeah, she wrote me. It was around the time of my parents were divorced. And I really had no memory of them together as parents. They were very separate. And everybody was doing the best they could, but there's stuff there that had not been unpacked. And so it was around the time I believe of my dad's birthday. He's passed by the way, and my mom wrote me something like, I know it's, this is your dad's birthday, he's passed by the way and my mom wrote me something like,

I know it's, this is your dad's birthday and he's on my mind. And there's a lot that I wish we had been able to talk about certain things. And then I said, I said, well, what's keeping us from doing this? And so we did it. And it was really a wonderful experience, hard, hard, but also ultimately very gratifying. And I feel blessed to have been able to have done that with her. Wow. Did you have confidence when you said that because I'm just astounded, there's all of these unwritten rules in families about what we talk about and what we don't talk about. And in this case, it was a written rule. Like, sorry, we can't talk

about this. Were you surprised when she was able to go there with you and agreed to go to therapy and begin? No, I wasn't surprised. I think looking back on this, I was surprised this hadn't come up earlier. My mom is a very thoughtful person and is certainly doing what a lot of what Jane Fonda talks about, actually.

I know you guys have spoken with her and she's talking about the three acts of life and doing a life review. And my mother is very much of that, of the same mind. So I was sort of surprised. It was like, oh my God, why haven't we done this before? You know? I'm 47 and I have so many friends who are now looking back on their childhood.

I always talk about this New Yorker cartoon that I can't stop thinking about. It's like this guy who's probably like 70 and he's laying on the couch, he's in therapy and he says, I had a really hard childhood, especially lately. And it's like this idea that you wake up and you're like, wait a minute. That wasn't normal.

But most people, when they start to bring it up to their parents, there is this no thank you, like a fragility of, I can't look back on that because I did the best I could and we cannot judge it up. I can't look back on that because I did the best I could and we cannot judge it up. And because parents are desperate to believe that they were good parents. And they think that their kids are saying you weren't good parents.

Was there some of that in therapy? Like how did it go? She talked about the lens through which she looked at life back then when I was young, growing up. And I did the same, trying to fully understand our respective points of view of our life together in a way that maybe really hadn't been discussed in great detail.

And I know what you mean about, I mean, I'm a mother. I really, if I do anything in my life, I want to have mothered my children in a way that it was nurturing. However, having said that, nothing's perfect. You are going to fuck up as a parent under all circumstances. That is life, man. And coming to terms with that, and I just hope, and I don't, I'm not implying my mother fucked up, but

no, I'm not. But what I'm saying is as a mom, you want to do the right thing, you know, you really do. I just think it's beautiful to normalize the idea of the review of the actually being open to later with your adult children, saying, you tell me your perspective, I'll tell you my perspective. It's a really beautiful, we should see more of that couples therapy. Yeah, yes, absolutely. It's not just married people that should go into couples therapy. It's, you know, siblings, it's a great resource if one has access to it. And I also think that as a working mother, because I was really working when I gave birth to both of my kids and I mean,

I just worked my whole life. So I really had a career in addition to being a mom. And that was always a struggle for me. And I think that like if I were to talk to my kids about that, I think honestly I would be in fear of them saying, you weren't there enough for me or something, you know, because it was this balancing act that was just completely impossible to tell you the truth. There was no completely impossible. It's impossible.

It's impossible. Yeah. I'm Jonathan M. Hevar. I'm a podcast producer and someone who likes fancy things. But I grew up working class. My parents were immigrants with factory jobs. And because of that, I think about class a lot. And I want to talk about it. That's what we're doing on my new podcast, Classy.

And what did you all eat? You know, trailer food. I was like, girl, we're not doing that anymore. not doing that anymore. You'll hear from people who told me awkward, embarrassing, and strangely intimate things about what class means to them. She said, you know, for the house cleaner, I hide the tag on the $6 bread. And I just thought, don't you think she knows that you're wealthy? You're hiding the tags from yourself. Classy. A new podcast from Pineapple Street Studios.

Available now, wherever you get your podcasts. You were the one to walk your dead home at the end of life, and you've talked movingly about how hard it was to lose him. And you've also been very open about how he was an arch-assist and extremely hard on you. And I was reading about how after your first appearance on SNL, he called you to read a bad review. He didn't read me a bad review, but he himself, he was not impressed with my performance. Oh, he gave you a bad review. He gave you a bad review. Yeah, he Give you a bad review. Yeah. Yeah. Give me a bad review.

Yeah. And you know, looking back on it, I'm sure he was right, but it wasn't delivered kindly or thoughtfully. And also he was right. So there you go. First of all, do you have that? Is that a voice in your head? Like that voice telling you that you weren't good enough? Is that a voice that a voice in your head? Like that voice telling you that you weren't good enough, is that a voice that gets stuck in your head and is that the voice you're speaking back to all the time? The voice in my head, there's a thing,

a sort of a self-loathing thing that can overcome me. If I don't like something that I've done, I can't let it go. It takes me days to relax about it. Like something that I've done, I can't let it go. It takes me days to relax about it. And that's not a good feeling. Right, right. Can you talk to us a little bit about your dad

and what it was like to be loved by him and get to the place where you're accepting him for who he was? Totally. He was a wonderful man in so many ways, very successful businessman, but really, he was a poet. He wrote a lot of poetry. He was published. And he was incredibly charismatic, very funny.

He was a big liberal Democrat. He was on Nixon's enemies list. He was very proud about that fact. In fact, the article in which he's listed as being on Nixon's enemies list was framed and hanging in his office. That's amazing. Yeah. And I am now the proud owner of that artifact from this life. That's beautiful. It is beautiful. And he was highly intelligent, a real intellectual guy. And also very, very much, yeah, a narcissist.

Everything was very much about him. But the thing is, is that he was super interesting. Yeah. And his opinions were meaningful. They were informed. And like I said, he was hyper intelligent, but he was also not available in a lot of ways emotionally. But I reconciled that, I think,

at the end of his life, just by being with him and understanding his limitations. He had a very, very, very unhappy childhood, really, I think, borderline abusive and if not abusive. And so he had a lot of stuff in his life that was unresolved. And the more that I understood that about him and what his limitations were, the more I was able to, is forgive the right word, relax, relax. I'll take that. That's right.

Yeah, just relax about it. Yeah. I love that you just use that word because it's the same word that you used when you were talking about how it takes you a couple days and self-loathing to relax. It's interesting. Guys, I sound crazy on this show. No, you're freaking kidding. Welcome.

We're all crazy on this show. We're going to take a left turn. I want to talk about your son Charlie because he played basketball your alma mater north western, which is very cool. He sure did. That's no joke. It's D1. That's like the real deal.

And I can imagine you have set on a lot of sidelines watching him play throughout his life. Yes. And parents on the sidelines should be a comedy sketch all on its own. Did you experience that? What were you like on the sidelines? Yes, I did experience that and I would like to say that I was well-behaved. Wow, you would like to say that or you can say that. I can say that. Nice. Good job. But that doesn't mean I didn't scream a lot. It was so much fun to go to his games.

Oh my God. And he went to the tournament. His sophomore year, they went to the tournament. Yeah. Yeah. And they didn't get past the second round, but they did get past the first round. And it was just totally thrilling.

I've never been so terrified. I was so nervous. I can't sit next to my husband watching a game. That's the only thing that I could not do. Why? I don't know. Every, I can't describe it. I needed space to have my own anxiety about the game that

wasn't connected to his anxiety about the game But I really just loved every second of it was such a great experience. How old are they now? How old are your kids 20 25 and 30? Oh my god, okay, so we're right behind you. We have 2017 and 15 what wow What is it like to have a 25 year old and a 30 year old what's happening now? Well, it's pretty interesting. Okay, so your 20 year old is not at home anymore. No, he's not. He's not from college. He's not from college.

Wow. So, that transition when each boy went to college was ginormous for me. I was gutted by that. And I think that's because raising them, I never thought about them leaving. You know, there was kind of a denial there. I was just like, oh yeah, my boys, they're here. It never accrued to me that they were going to go.

And then when they left to go to college, that was a monster transition, like monster transition. But the really nice thing is that once I got over the grief of that, and I was pretty grief-stricken, then all of a sudden, a new thing emerges, which is they're young adult men, and there's a whole new way to be together now, which is incredibly exciting.

And I'm just so pleased to see them operating as adults. And I'm so interested in their point of view, not that I wasn't before, but I'm learning from them. It's just, I love it. Unfortunately, for me, both of my boys live in California. And so we see them frequently. Thank God. But I don't know. I think being a mom of adult kids is more fun than I had ever considered. It would be. Yeah. So you're in for a lot of fun.

If you are for real. It feels like when they go and come back, because I'm having a little bit of that with the 20-year-old. Yeah. When you say their points of view, it's like you suddenly see them separate from yourself. I feel like I'm like, j-pedo. Like I was making him the whole time.

And then suddenly he came to life at 20 and I'm like, whoa! You while I'm walking and doing things and talking, you're a real boy! You're a real boy! That's it. Yes. Right. Exactly. Net Wild. It's so wild. It's so wild and wonderful. It really is.

So another question I have, I think it's really hard to be young. And when we're growing up, we believe that we know everything, but in reality, we don't, we know nothing. We know no things. We're just trying failing. I don't. And your new podcast, Wiser than me, invites us into conversations with women who are older than you. And what are some things that you've learned from them?

What are the joys that you can tell us about getting older? What inspired me to do, to even embark on this thing was I saw that HBO documentary Jane Fonda. It's so spectacular. So good. Right. And she's had such a remarkable and varied life. Right. She had like six of them. I mean. And so, and I, after I watched that, and I was pretty sort of stunned by how remarkable she is and the life she's led has been, I thought, why are we not hearing from older women? Mm-hmm.

What's happening? And the more I thought about it, I really do believe that older women are this demographic as it were sort of an untapped natural resource that we have as a culture. And certainly as a woman, I really do want to hear from these women about their life experience. What can you teach me? What can I glean from your life? What tips can you send back to us from the front lines of life, which is where they are?

So that was sort of the notion for it. I also spoke with Isabella Ande. I don't know if you guys ever had a chance to do that. We have a time. Oh my God. She is so extraordinary. And the way she was talking about 80, and how pleased she was to be 80,

and to be living the life she's currently living, it made me want to turn 80. I was like, oh my god, I cannot wait to turn 80. She made it so appealing. And in fact, we didn't even start talking about her writing, you know, because she's this extraordinary writer. We didn't even get into her writing until like an hour into the conversation, which may speak to what a terrible pop of that. Oh, so I am. And I'll own that if that's the case. But she was like, she was a journalist and she didn't write her first book

until she was 40 years old. These are the stories we need. These are the stories we need. These are the stories we need. Exactly. Exactly. So, you know, the pressure to have figured it out in your 20s, the 20s are so fucking hard and the worst. I mean, the worst.

They are the worst. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, the worst. The fact that everyone's telling you, they should be the best. Yeah, the best years of your life. Yeah, you're so young. It that everyone's telling you they should be the best. Yeah, we're spending years of your life. Yeah, you're so young. It's all vibrant.

Your fabulous. No. And same for 30s to a certain extent. Anyway, the fact that she really embarked on this in her 40s was just totally remarkable to me. Every single conversation was, and I guess this is your, probably your experience too during your podcast, but you know, it got intimate. It got personal and I like the way that women talk to each other. You know, I like that. I like the experience of speaking with experienced older women. Yes. You know, I could do that for the rest of my life.

Oh. I hope that you do. It is missing from the world and we don't have any first person accounts from that. We only have these caricatures of what like an old lady is like from. Right. And like the word old lady, it sort of sounds pejorative. Exactly. Like an old old man a wise man that trope is in place that's so much for the women and so we're trying to sort of

stick a pin in that and Diane von Fersenberg said I asked her how old she was and she said to me you shouldn't ask people how old they are you should ask them how long they've lived. Which I thought was a different lens through which to think about age and aging. So I hope people dig it. I had fun making it. I'm still making it. It's a lot of work. It's been fun. Yeah. Do you guys find it's a lot of work to do this podcast? Yeah. It's like the actual conversations. If we could just do that, that would be the most fun.

It's just like getting ready for the conversation. Yeah, I know. I know. And you want to be like, what makes them light up and what's the thing they want to talk about? I know. So. It's a lot of work and also the best work. Yeah.

Getting out of my own head and soaking myself in somebody else's world for a week, it's a lot of work and also the best work. Yeah getting out of my own head and soaking myself in somebody else's world for a week It's wonderful actually. It's wonderful and I'm a writer. So I'm used to being alone all the time And so to be able to do something with other people feels like I'm cheating or something feels so much less lonely and we're all family. Yeah. Three of us. So it's a good gig. It's nice.

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Speaking of wisdom gained throughout life, it was five years ago, right? Almost six, I guess, in 2017, the night after you won your first Emmy for Veepe. The next day, you got a call with your breast cancer diagnosis. Do I have that timeline? Yes. It wasn't my first Emmy for V, but I had won an Emmy. It was actually in retrospect, it was the last Emmy that went for V.

Oh, yes, it was the one that broke the record. Yes, and then the following morning, I got confirmation that I had breast cancer. So talk about the yin and yang of it all, right? Mm. It's just amazing. I've heard you talk about your journey with breast cancer, and you liken it to this story of when you were snorkeling with

your husband, and he called you back to the boat. Yeah. I have thought about that story one thousand times since I heard it. Would you be willing to tell us that? Sure. My husband and I went on a trip back when we were in our 30s, actually, and we were on this boat, and we were doing this really cool stuff on this sailboat and swimming with dolphins and doing research.

It was a really neat trip. Anyway, I was in the water. My husband was on the boat, and I was pretty far from the boat, just sort of swimming around, paddling around, and we're out in the open water. And he comes to the bow and he says, yells, house me jewels. I don't want you to panic, but there's a shark in the water and you need to come back to the boat. That was not my reaction, Abby.

That's the nightmare of the world. That's the nightmare of the world. That's right. And so what I did was I didn't look in the water. I didn't look down. I didn't look around me. I just started to swim towards the boat. And I saw the ladder at the end of the boat.

And I kept my eye on the ladder, and I just focused on the ladder. It took so much personal, what's the word? It's a great determination. It's great. Just all in a few. I kept my mind on that ladder, and I'm getting to the ladder.

And that is what I'm about. And that's the only thing I'm thinking about. It's that I'm getting to the ladder. And'm getting to the ladder. And that is what I'm about. And that's the only thing I'm thinking about is that I'm getting to the ladder. And I got to the ladder. And I likened that to my journey with cancer because I just wanted to get to the ladder. And it was a bit of a wicked swim to get there, but I got there.

In fact, my son had a teacher when he was in fourth grade, and it was the year that they were sort of giving them sort of longer term assignments and papers that were, you know, a little bit extended, and she used to talk to the kids about doing their work in manageable parts. And it's sort of the same idea, just breaking it down bit by bit and tackling it one stroke in the water at a time or one chemotherapy session at a time and just ticking it off and keeping your eyes on the prize. Everything else fell away for me during that period of time except sort of getting better. It's an elite athlete's mindset.

It's compartmentalizing and becoming really hyper focused on what is important. And so when we had, yeah, when you have your life obviously at risk, it's really something to hear you talk about that because the amount of times, though my life wasn't in danger, I can vividly remember complete focus, everything else falls away. It's funny you're thinking that's an elite mind and I was thinking that's an alcoholic thing. So I was thinking about sobriety, just like the next right thing, the next, the latter is just like one more day of sobriety. Mm-hmm. Oh, interesting. And I also think that mindset can be applied to work.

Not that work is scary, but for me, when things are, all the engine is really running workwise, all piston's firing is sort of the same thing. Everything falls away like everything else shuts down and it's a laser focus. And for me, that actually from a work point of view is like, those are my most joyful moments. Which is funny. It's a mindset, it's a tool, it's a something

that has been applied a lot in my life. Because it's not just what you're doing, it's what you're not doing. Because in that instance, it was a 10 foot bull shark that was in the life. Because it's not just what you're doing, it's what you're not doing. Because in that instance, it was a 10-foot bull shark that was in the water. Yes, it was. If in the other instance, it was a terrifying breast cancer. I mean, if you were to decide to look away from the latter, and either of those instances, that's tempting, right? You want to know where the shark is. You want to Google the cancer stuff and like, to do that, that's just feeding the thing you can't control.

Correct. The only thing you can control is your movement and your focus. Yes. The only thing you can control is getting to the ladder. That's what you can control. That's exactly right. Yeah. Is there also, because you said what you're not doing sister, and made me think, is there

something about those moments where we also just don't do bullshit things? Like what doesn't matter is gone. I have a dear friend who just went through losing her mother and it was a harrowing time. And she's finding that after more harrowing in a different way, because at least during that time, she knew exactly who she was and she knew exactly what she was supposed to be doing in every single morning she woke up and there wasn't anywhere else that she would be. That's right, yeah, exactly.

And it's like giving birth in that sense, you know? Everything else falls away. It's funny how life gives us these opportunities to exercise that kind of focus. Interesting. Speaking of what you've learned about that time, I don't want to do the kind of silver lining bullshit that people do, but I have a dear friend who is going through cancer right now and she's fighting really, really hard. And I swear to you that when I am in her presence, I have a distinct feeling of this woman

knows something that the rest of us don't know, that she just has access to a different way of seeing the world because of what she's going through. But do you know something now that you didn't know before having walked through and fought through what you did? Yeah, I answered that in this way. So, normally, I was in production at the time that I was diagnosed on VEEP. So we had to shut down.

And normally I would never ever have talked about this publicly. This would have just been my thing and I would have done it and whatever. No one would have known in the public. But because I had 250 people working on the show, et cetera, et cetera, I had to make it public. And the benefit of that was that, first of all, it gave me an opportunity to talk about healthcare

and people's access to healthcare and to highlight how lucky I was to be a member of a union and to be provided with healthcare through my union and how unthinkable it was to me and is to me that anybody who would be diagnosed in this situation would not be covered is like mind blown, right? So there was that. The other thing that happened is that certain people started reaching out to me. First, I started reaching out to others, my a couple of friends who had cancer and who

spoke with me very honestly about their experience and, you know, talk about why they're there me giving me a lot of encouragement and advice as to how to manage this and what to expect. And then I had the experience of being able to do that for others. So I met some people post my or even during my cancer treatment, or just after my cancer treatment, that I could help them get through their cancer treatment. And I have to say something. I mean, I know it sounds kind of polyanna-ish,

but it was incredibly comforting for me to do that. To be able to provide, help, and encouragement, and comfort to somebody who was going through what I had just gone through, I found that for myself to be very nurturing. And I still do. And I will say that, you know, having a brush with something as scary as a cancer diagnosis, you know, again, at the risk of sounding sort of, like you've heard it before, but we're not here forever. And I don't take my mortality for granted. I'm aware of it.

In a way that's good, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we watched your new movie last week. We settled into the bed and I thought this is going to be a light romp. This is going to be giggle and laugh. I don't, I just need what you need to know about me. We did, we giggle them laugh a few times. But, so I am a mother memoirist, okay?

I am inseparable from my sister. I am obsessed a little bit unhealthily with my 20 year old writer, son, who sends me his, Pad's what I'm explaining to you right now is the fucking plot of this movie. Okay. This person in this movie also has a voice inside of her head that maybe tells her that she's not good enough,

so she's constantly do gooding and trying to write better and better things so that the world will tell her she's, and then she's trying to undo the voice in her head from her father with her partner getting her partners approval and then she at some points figures out that while she's desperate for her husband to tell her the truth. We don't want to give this whole thing away. She maybe is not. No, it's all right. Okay, okay, I just want to make sure that maybe she hasn't been telling the truth. I'm just talking about me

Yeah, that maybe she has In Glen, it's what is it? One can't know I'm totally telling the truth to her son. I actually didn't know which part of this to ask you about but one time my friend Jen said to me Glenin My whole life my parents have been telling me that I am excellent and my whole life, my parents have been telling me that I am excellent. And it took me, my 20s, 30s and 40s, to finally understand that I am medium.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Can we just talk about one string of the movie, which seems to be that we keep telling our kids that they're amazing and excellent and the best at things because we think that's love.

And then they spend the rest of their lives talking about feeling like bad mothering, right? Yeah. Feeling like failures when they don't quite live up to those accolades as it were, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, to give the Fudge Squad an idea because you don't understand everything that you do this movie, your demographic is here. Yeah. Right there. Those are the people that are listening to the entire just talk. We just need to keep talking for the next like 85,000 hours. Yeah. And we just keep them on board and we'll just all be one big happy family. That's right. But the story of the movie you hurt my feelings is it's a very small story about some very big human emotions and human relationships.

And the Nicole Hall of Center wrote and directed the film, we've worked together before. She's extraordinary, not only as a writer, but as a director and as a human being, she's a good friend. I levered desperately. And I'm really proud of this movie that we made together, and I'm so happy to be in it, but the notion that her husband has not been telling her, my character of Beth, and her husband,

whose name is Dawn, played by Tobias Menzies, my character realizes that her husband has not been telling her the truth about her writing and has been in fact lying to her about his impression of her writing. And it's like it's like worse than having an affair. Yes. That's how gutting it is to her. And I totally get that. And we made a movie about it. So good. You sure did. You asked me right away. Do you like the way that I

I'm so paranoid now? I need everyone to tell me the truth. Then I'm like, do I need everyone to tell me the truth? Because actually, it's not that he didn't tell you the truth. It's that he didn't tell you his opinion. It's that he didn't tell you his opinion. Hmm. Because what if he's opinion is, is not the truth. And that does discourage you. It's just an incredible exploration about truth and love. And like, is unfiltered truth what we need or is love the filter that we put on the truth? Correct.

And there's lots of little lies and things throughout the movie. Yes. I think relatable little relationship lies. Small, tiny little things that I think we probably all participate in, probably. I'm guessing. I mean, what, what am I talking about?

We do. We do. We do. Some of y'all do it. What's the last lie you told? I lie all the time I think I Don't even know oh my gosh It's really beautiful. I mean there's great great. There's a See I'm glad. Thank you. Where you just are trying to protect your son from something

and you actually climb on top of him to cover him. And I was like, that's it. That's my parenting strategy. That's what I've been doing. Yeah, that's mine too. Is that mine too? Yeah. Oh, God, it was so good.

It was so good. I really loved it. And I never seen a piece of art exploring that, like how much do we tell each other the truth? And it's beautiful. Thanks, Glenn, and I appreciate it. Did Nicole, did she know you very well? And did she write it like about you

because like the stuff with the dad and then? No, no, I mean Nicole, Nicole and I, yes, we worked together many years ago We did a film with James Gandalfini called enough said and And we've been friends ever since so yes, she knows me very well I know her very well, but this was completely out of her brain and She's a writer and she could relate to and she told me this premise a couple of years back now. She said, what do you think of this premise? And I was like, I love it. The premise being

finding out your the most significant person in your life doesn't like what you do. It's just that is a gutting premise. And I was like, oh yeah, let's do it. So I think she did write it with me in mind, but this was maybe more about her personal experience than mine, I think. And your adult sons, if they wrote something, how would you approach that? If they gave these things to you.

They go to your, you first feedback. So how do you give them feedback? Like how do you approach love and truth with your family? Geez. How do I answer that question? Probably lie about it if I were you. Yeah. It's a it's a cinch. Glenan is so easy.

You just climb on top of the... I love everything everybody does all the time. It's perfect. Great. And then they go out into the world and just get eaten alive. Eatin' alive. But the other thing too is that when you have that when there are people that you love and you want to love what they've done, that can be the kind of fuel for understanding their work. And in a way that can sometimes be bad because you have expectations going in.

You want it to be great. If it's not quite what you thought it was, then how disappointed are you because you were expecting, you know, it's so complicated. It's so complicated. Relationships are complicated. We're all amassed. Can I just say it? No, man.

Thank God. You guys are a mess. I want to get to that. Thank God. That's really the highlight. Don't give up, but we are all incredibly fucked. Actually, that's the t-shirt. Yeah, fuck the gruely thing.

Don't give up. Groovy, successful and incredibly fucked. Yes, that's the t-shirt. Yeah. You're talking about people who love your work and partnerships and you and your husband. I'm obsessed with y'all. I mean, 36 years married. It's amazing.

You are each other's champions. We just had the honor of interviewing Michelle Obama and she was talking about how, despite about 10 years there where she couldn't stand her husband, she's really grateful. So you have made it through to a long marriage. What is the unique gift of a long ride with somebody? What do you find at 36 years that you couldn't have found otherwise?

Oh man, we've been through it. I mean, what can I tell you? We have been through so much life, I tell you, we have been through so much life, arm and arm. And that is just magnificent. I mean, words and all, by the way, you know, really difficult stuff, really joyful stuff. But we've been partners. And there's something about now having that history together. I mean, I'm almost embarrassed we've been married that long. I want to say like, and there's something about now having that history together. I mean, I'm almost embarrassed we've been married that long. I want to say like, we've been married 15 years and that feels, you know, but 36, and she's like, oh my God.

So how long has your marriage lived? Yes, how long has your... My marriage has lived for 36 years and or soon to be 36 years. And, you know, I found the right guy. I could have fucked up because we got married. I was young, he was young. And I could have picked the wrong guy, but I didn't.

So that's good. I had a good instinct there. I had pretty good instincts. Yeah, you do. I'd say it's worked out all right for you. Yeah, we'll see. I don't know, you got potential. You got potential. Thanks, guys. Just right for you. Yeah, we'll see. I don't know. You got potential. You got potential.

Thanks, guys. Just thanks for you. Thank you, guys. It was really, really nice to talk to you. And I was a delight to have this conversation. I feel like there's so much more we could be unpacking, but I don't know what it is at this point. Well, you let us know.

I mean, we'll packed for you all day. And I just want to say, because I was a big sign, filled watcher and to see a woman in so many of those male dominated spaces on that show was a big deal. And for you to carry scenes like, that was big for me to be watching when I was a kid. And I just want to say, I know that you have had to go through so much bullshit, being a successful woman, I just wanted to say thank you. You walked a path for us and it just means the world to us. Thanks, that's so nice of you to say, I mean, I really appreciate it and I was lucky

to play that role and I was, and it was unusual for its time. There's no doubt about it. Yeah, yeah, it's really, but I appreciate that so much. Thank you very, very much. Thank you. Julia Louie Drifus, unusual for her time. Thank you, Pod Squad.

See you next time. Thank you. [♪ Music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us. If you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do each or all of these three things, first can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things. Following the pod helps you because you'll never miss an episode and it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. To do this, just go to the We Can Do Hard Things show page on Apple podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you listen to podcasts,

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