We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - Melissa McCarthy: Sex, Nuns & Ghosts (Best Of)

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

1. What Melissa’s parents said when she told them about her dream – and how those magic words set the course of Melissa’s life. 2. The green and red flags Melissa tells her kids to look for in a relationship. 3. Why Melissa is a shark, and her brilliant strategy to “Run Around the Block” in almost any difficult situation.  4. Melissa’s and Abby’s experiences with ghosts. 5. How Melissa learned about sex – and the way she talks to her kids about it. About Melissa: Melissa McCarthy is an award-winning writer, producer, and actor. Her work includes Bridesmaids, Can You Ever Forgive Me?, Ghostbusters,The Heat; Identity Thief; This is 40, The Hangover Part III, The Starling, “Gilmore Girls”, and “Samantha Who?”. She won an Emmy Award and People’s Choice Award for her role in “Mike & Molly” as well as an Emmy for “Saturday Night Live”.  Melissa and her husband Ben Falcone founded On the Day Productions and have produced Tammy, The Boss, Life of the Party, “Nobodies,” “Little Big Shots,” Superintelligence , Thunder Force, “God’s Favorite Idiot,” and Bob Ross: Happy Accidents, Betrayal & Greed. TW: @melissamccarthy IG: @melissamccarthy To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, Pod Squad. Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things. I can't, we have a treat and a half. It's like 12 treats. A dozen treats. We have a box of dozen treats. I've never been called a dozen treats. Oh my god. Do you hear that voice? OK. When we heard that this person agreed to be on our podcast, we had a text chain celebratory moment.

We were so freaking excited. OK, you all. Melissa McCarthy. Hi there. Oh my god. I'm so excited and weirdly nervous to be here. Same. I don't know why.

Same. Just kind of really excited. Oh, Melissa McCarthy is an award-winning writer, producer, and actor. Her work includes Bridesmaids, Can You Ever Forgive Me?, Ghostbusters, Gilmore Girls, and Samantha Who. She won an Emmy Award and People's Choice Award for her role in Mike and Molly, as well as an Emmy for Saturday Night Live. I'm laughing just thinking about all of these. Melissa and her husband, Ben Falcone, who we're excited to talk about your relationship,

is so beautiful, founded On The Day Productions and have produced Tammy, the boss, Life of the Party, and Bob Ross, Happy accidents, betrayal, and greed. Melissa McCarthy, welcome to We Can Do Hard Things. Wow. What a way to start it off, guys. I must be old. It's weird to hear a list of that because they're all like, they're such a part of us. But when you hear it in the list, you're like, all right.

Yeah. Not old, badass. Yeah, not bad. Badass. Yeah, that's amazing. And I actually want to start with you and I both went to Catholic schools growing. Yes. And I wanted to know how your experience was. You know, um, it will go down and good and bad. I think, you know, I was raised Catholic.

There were certain things about it that I liked. I did find myself often getting kind of sent to the principal for things that now as an adult, I think back and I just had questions. Like I was like, well, I remember one of the sisters saying, I think it was like our first foray into world religions. And I mean, I'm from a small farm town in Illinois. So anything with world in it, I was like, I'm exotic, I'm wondrously exotic. And I just didn't know anything. I mean, there was no, you know, there's no internet. You could only, if you didn't experience it, you really didn't know much about it. And

I was little, you know, I was probably in like third grade. And I remember her say talking about other religions. And then it was also kind of mentioned, you know, but of course, the best one is Catholicism. And I said, Well, why? I said, Isn't the whole thing that maybe none of them are better? And then then the energy changed. And I said, How do you know that you were right? And she was like, because God would have told me. And I wasn't being a smart ass.

I really wasn't trying to be a smart ass. I said, well, okay, so God would tell you if you're wrong, then why hasn't God told everyone else that they're wrong if they are wrong? Yep. And she just said, you should go to the principal's office. And I'm like, well, I'm like the only nerd that actually had questions. I'm like, regarding the reading. And they just didn't

want to talk about it. And I get that you're questioning someone's basic fiber and what they've built their world on. But I was so ready to be like, well, let just kind of talk about it. And I never liked the priest to nun ratio that felt that the nuns got very subservient. I remember being in second grade being like, well, that's weird. It's like almost bowing when he came in and I was like, hmm, that doesn't seem right. I didn't know why I didn't like it, but I didn't like that. And so many of the lessons that be kind, love, there was so much goodness to it. I don't practice anymore. I don't think you have to be inside a certain building to have a relationship with whatever you think of as God. And if you do, and you find solace in that, I think it's great. I

don't. I think it's become a bit of a business, which I'm sure would really infuriate so many people, including my family. I credit you. I can't believe I just said that. I'm in trouble. The principal's knocking, Melissa. I credit you though, because you actually asked the questions. In eighth grade, I was too scared. The Catholic guilt is real. It's real. Yeah, I think because I was younger,

I didn't even know yet to be like, ooh, this isn't gonna go over well. I didn't know it was a trick question. Do you have any questions? Means don't have any questions. Other than saying, boy, all of those other religions are wrong. I can always kind of say the wrong thing.

It's my talent. It's a beautiful thing. Something you said that I felt very attached to. You said, I'm a shark. I have to keep moving, keep moving. Like, you know how sharks, they stop, if they stop moving. And I am like that too. And I just wondered, is that your way of being? or do you ever worry like I do that the need to keep moving, keep moving is just an effort not to be still? Yes, on both sides of the coin.

I think it is my natural tendency. I'm constantly moving and I do always say like I'm a shark. I have to be in motion, be moving, doing something. I like doing things. And I do think I fill my day probably with too much. Sometimes Ben is very calm and very steady. And sometimes he's like, it is okay to stop and just be in the room instead of me being like, I haven't lifted that chair in a year and a half. What's under it? He's like, you've been working for six weeks. I'm like, I'm gonna roll the whole cat like he walked the poor man walks in and like, the couch is literally turned upside down. And then I'm down another wormhole of

like, should I put casters on this? I don's like, I don't know what's going on. You've worked for six months. This is your first day off and you have taken apart furniture. But then I'm like, well, I have to because I want to make it nice for everybody. I'm just constantly moving and then I'm trying. It's like something I wear. I like it because I like puttering and fixing things for people. But yeah, I mean, sometimes Ben's just like,

you know, I've come in and like holding up clothes to his back because I like shopped for him. And he's like, you know, sometimes it may cross over. It's too much. Like I just, I'm like, hey, should we go into your closet and like make outfits? He's like, no, we should not. We should not do that ever.

You two. Okay. So Abby and I, we've watched every movie of yours again. We've been hanging out with you and we've been reading a lot about you and Ben. And it's just like you work together, you raise your girls and it's beautiful. And the way you talk about each other is so beautiful. And Abby, we read one interview where I think Ben was talking about you, and Abby looked at me and she goes, they remind me of lesbians. First of all, thank you for the compliment. Yes, it's our ultimate compliment. I'm always like, you're such a better human than I am. He's just literally like, there's no other side of Ben. He is exactly who he is. He's the weirdest person I have ever met. That's high praise.

And he's just steady and endlessly kind. He takes a minute. I mean, he always calls me fists of justice. I immediately, I respond. The second something happens, I'm like, oh my God, what are we going to do? This is outrageous. I respond like the second something happens, I'm like, oh my God, what are we going to do? This is outrageous. And Ben's like, we could sit and think about it.

And then probably there is a way to help. But I'm already like, my car is in reverse. I'm out the driveway just like flipping off the universe. And he's like, you want to come on back because there's actually a hotline and we could help that. I'm like, okay. He's like, where were you driving to come on back because there's actually a hotline and you could help that I'm like, okay, he's like, where were you driving to? I'm like, I don't know. But I figured we need to activate. There were two physicists that were like, there's the the mosquito and the is just spinning and turning, spinning and turning, and the other just slowly goes. And they worked together as a team for years. And they said, you know, both were both were great, but they could never come up with all the things they did without that weird dynamic. And there's something to that like he is, I mean, you couldn't take two of me. That

seems terrible. And probably two of Ben wouldn't be a good balance either, but yeah, he's just the greatest. I feel like I can't even imagine a minute of my life without him. Like not a minute. And I love that he shows himself in certain moments of movies that you star in. And I actually have become accustomed to like waiting for it. And we pause it. I'm like, this! They, I was kids. Kids. That's Melissa's actual husband. And they're like, we know that every time.

I mean, it's my I always try to get him to do bigger parts in it. But when he's directing, as he usually does with our stuff, he's like, no, that's a terrible idea. So he only takes the littlest parts. But I'm like, or you can take a bigger part. He's like, no, someone is supposed terrible idea. So he only takes the littlest parts, but I'm like, or you can take a bigger part. And he's like, no, someone is supposed to be steering the ship. Yeah. Right. Right. But I love it. Your fists of justice. I've been working into my lexicon lately. Run around the block. Run around the block. Can you tell us about your skill? Because I too am a shark. I too have a fist

of justice. I'm like a way less talented Melissa McCarthy. That is not true at all. My God. I often say, because I'm often failing at it, I'm forever trying to get better running around the block, which does mean to me when something happens that I don't immediately jump up. I think because we do run our own things, I take great responsibility with how people are treated. And since I get to have that umbrella that I'm so grateful for, I also take it really serious that if someone is being treated poorly, that I'm like, what?

And I'm like, I have to go stop this right now. And I just lurch at everything because I think that just can't happen. And if you can do something, and often I feel lucky enough that I am the one that can come and be like, you can't do that. You can't talk to people like that, or you can't behave like that. What I always wish is that I said I would handle things so well if when I heard that I went, I'll be right back. And if I could just actually run a block, then I would come back and be like, John, I need a I need a chat with you.

Instead I go immediately to John and I'm like, and like everything, everything is on like 22. And then sometimes I do run around the block. And sometimes I don't. And I always come back in and especially people that know me really well, they're like, did you run around the block? And I did not.

I did not run around the block. I thought about it and I didn't run around the block. And then sometimes if I do run around the block, I'm literally like, guys, I ran around the block. I ran around the block. And it's progress. It's progress until I don't run around the block again. So if that made any sense.

It makes total sense. Perfection sense. And I love that waiting time though, that waiting time, if you really physically did it, I feel like it's like the car ride home where you finally are like, well now I know what I would have said. Or any audition, I'm amazing in my car on the way home.

Yes. Because you've just waited and calmed down. So it's what I'm always striving to be better at. My confusion about that with myself is I understand this of justice when I have forgotten to run around the block. But what I don't understand about myself is when I am, I'm about to start fists of justice and I think I should run around the block. But what I don't understand about myself is when I'm about to start Fists of Justice and I think I should run around the block and then I think, nope, it's the justice. It's like purposely overriding self even when you know that you're going to be apologizing later.

It's an interesting pattern. It's the best and worst. It's like, I'm glad that I'm not like, I don't care. Yeah, I would hate that. I'm sure Ben and many people that know me would be like, we could hit a sweet middle. We could probably hit a sweet middle between these two things. But I'm not a great gray area person. I'm working on it. It is a study that does not come naturally for me. I kind of sound like a monster. No, the beauty of people like you and my wife and Amanda, because I'm a little bit more like Ben, we need people like you. Because we are here and put on planet Earth to like

support and kind of keep peace and we're calm and cool and patient and collected, but nothing would go right. If you guys weren't around. I could not agree more. Could not agree more with that analysis. So you and Ben are raising two girls. They're two teenage girls. Okay. Same. So what we have figured out, which is upsetting about parenting, is that in order to teach them shit, you have to know what you think. Parenting is, it almost demands that you figure out what you think about things because they're going to ask you questions.

Yeah. Yeah. And then you have to back it up. Yes. Right. Evidence. Yeah, gone are the day my parents who are wonderful, wonderful human beings like at that age, if you asked a question that was kind of complicated, they would be like, don't worry about it.

And like, and we were done. And they said it lovingly. They're incredibly loving people, but we just didn't delve into things. And that's, that's not the way of the world, which is great. But do you feel like you are clarifying your thoughts more than you thought you would, just because you have to explain it? Yes, our family's always having these ongoing conversations

about sex. And I just, I'm like, she usually takes over because she has less shame and guilt and confusion. And then she didn't think she was straight or whole life. It's just, it's confusing for me. You're like, you're coming to me? Yeah. Figure this out.

I figured it out five years ago. But I'm confused about everything. So I'm like, sex is good and beautiful. Except sometimes it's not. Just be open, except also be closed. How do you talk to your girls? If your girls were asked, what's mom's philosophy about sex? What would they say?

Oh, Lord. First of all, I think they would be like, I'm so cringing right now. Same. Same of us. I probably don't do enough. We've had the talk, which I did incredibly awkwardly because I knew it was going to come. I always thought I'm like, I'm going to do it so early because we're open about anything and they can come to me for anything. But there is still a Midwestern former Catholic person that's like, talk about sex, the lightning

bolt comes down. And so I just very awkwardly, right before she went to school, the day they were going to talk about it at school, I'm like, I'm certainly not having someone else initiate that conversation with my child. So we were literally in the backyard, picking up after the dog. So it's really a wonderful time. And I was like, what, two people love each other,

and it's so ugly. And Vivi just goes, oh dear God, is this happening? And I was like, there's different parts of bodies, be it, but at least I was, oh dear God, is this happening? And I was like, there are different parts of bodies. So be it. But at least I was like, just let me be awkward and get through it.

But I think they know that as long as whoever you're with is incredibly kind and respectful and only lifts you up. We talk about that a lot, that whoever your love will be, and it may change, and like, you don't have to pick a side, you can pick a side, you don't have to pick a side, you never know what's gonna happen. I said, that person has to be incredibly happy when you succeed and incredibly supportive when you fail.

And if those are ever switched, I said that's the biggest red flag on earth and nothing should make you feel uncomfortable. Like, you know, we have it probably now. Thank you. Now I have to go have a better talk with them. No, it's so good. I realize I've been skirting it.

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your podcasts. It's interesting because I came into the family six years ago, so I'm not biological mom. And so there was a little bit of like, ease or easier transition in the conversation for me to have. And because of the way that we were brought up, most of it I have completely counteracted the Catholicism that lives inside of me. I didn't ever get the sex talk. I didn't ever get the sex talk.

And then when we were in Catholic school, it was all, what is the word to not have sex? Abstinence. Abstinence. Abstinence. It seemed to really stick in with you. No, well, I was a rebel from the beginning. But it's just a very reliable strategy.

So it's a shame you didn't follow. It's so hard to have the conversations. It is. And they know so much. Like, my kids are so much more aware of the world. And they're such little activists. I always say, like, I don't think anyone will ever tread on them. They just won't stand for it, which is like, I don't know what, how I could be more proud of them.

They're just so well balanced. And they're not afraid to speak up if something, you know, is really wrong. Both of them are like, they will stand up and say like, this is not right. This is not okay. When it's really needed. And I think I do have to talk to them more about all of that to their, they'll be like, oh, geez. But then I know the more you talk about it, then they will come to you and they will actually talk to you about it. And not a word was ever spoken.

Like with my parents, I, told this, God, my parents don't know how to get on a podcast. I think it's okay. I remember it's okay. I remember it was in grade school toward like, it must have been like seventh or eighth grade. And we went to there was a sleepover at someone's house. I can't remember. And out came some kind of sex book and I was like, Oh my God, like I'd never seen anything before

I actually laid eyes on it. People were like, somehow parents got brought up and I said, well, I know my mom and dad don't have sex. And they said, how do you like, first of all, I think they all knew like, how dumb are you? And I said, I know for a fact, they can have sex, sex because my dad cannot do middle splits. And I literally thought I was like, boom. So they were like, what are you talking about middle splits? And I was like, I didn't know that there was an erection. So I thought, well, it points down from what I know.

And so the only way to have sex is I thought both participants had to do middle splits. And then I guess kind of like, like, wedge, keep like wedging. And then somehow that's how a baby is formed. I literally was like, my neither of my parents could do middle splits. And just the room of these young girls were like, I don't know where to even begin with what you've said. Thank you for the gift of that. I really thought I was like, so, and I'm not even realizing like you have a sister. Clearly, they've had sex at least twice.

But I was like, nope, they're not that flexible. Yeah, but you were like, it must have been at some point that flexible. Yeah. But I've been taught a lot about that, you know, Mary and the immaculate conception. Exactly. Another question that I was like, don't we assume that, you know, there has to be such shame that she can only be good if she got pregnant by not having sex? Like, even as a kid, I was like, I don't know what sex is, but I'm pretty sure it's part

of having a baby. And they're like, no, no. It's not. Yeah. Here's the thing. You don't have to have sex to have a baby. and they're like, no, no, it's not. Yeah, here's the thing. You don't have to have sex to have a baby. I'm like, what a thing to be teaching.

Yeah. The immaculate conception. The flip side of abstinence is good news. Yes. Oh my goodness. You can have a baby or not have a baby using abstinence. Speaking of your parents, didn't you describe your sweet parents as having been carved from marzipan?

Yes, I do, especially my mom. My dad's feistier and he's always on the move. He's 82. He's unbelievable. He remembers everything. He moves a hundred miles an hour. He's constantly like, what do you need? What do you want to do?

And, you know, and I actually just went home and visited for a week. So I was in Plainfield, Illinois, and we would just sit in the backyard. And it's primarily just them being like, Oh, there goes that guy. There goes that guy. And it's another squirrel. Oh, look at this buster over there. It's the same squirrel, just in a different position of the yard. And then my dad just walking around with a fly swatter outside because he's going to put an end to those flies. I'm like, dad, if you just, we're not being bothered by them. You're hunting them.

That feels unfair. So they're just there. I mean, at any given point, even, I remember when I called them, because I thought I was going to finish college in New York. And after like, I don't even know if it had been 48 hours, I was like, so I'm not going to go back to college. I'm going to do stand up. And I was just waiting to hear the response and my mom's like, well, okay, probably. I was like, what?

I was like, do you have any thoughts on it? Well, I find fashion very unreliable. I was like, so you're encouraging me to go into the rock steady world of stand-up comedy?" And they were like, well, and they said, well, why not you? They're like, if you work hard, you're a hard worker. And if you work hard enough at it and get good at it, why not you? And it kind of is like the basis for why I wasn't like, kid from a farm doesn't go to

like LA and say like, I kid from a farm doesn't go to like LA and say like, I'm going to be an actor. Like it's just the, those, that math equation doesn't add up. I think unless you have parents that are like, yeah, why not? Of course you can. Like you, you're a really hard worker. Like it's, their work ethic is so strong.

I think it's why I work so hard and I enjoy what I do. Their work ethic is like something, it's why I work so hard and I enjoy what I do. Their work ethic is like something that's kind of remarkable. That feels filtered into me. But also, there was never a thought and anything even if I couldn't do back handspring. It's like, yes, you can, you just don't know how to do it yet. So go ahead and do it. I was like, okay. And then I kicked him in the head quite violently. but the sweetness remains. Oh my God. Because so many of us try to protect our kids from the world's rejection by rejecting them.

Like, we're afraid the world's going to say no to them. So we say no first. You can't do it. It won't work. I know. If I could physically wrap my children in bubble wrap, I would be like, I wanted to put a chip in my kids. And then that's awful. And I was like, we have chips in our dogs. I said, why can't I chip the kids? He's like, is this really the comfort? You want to go to the vet and have them

chip our children? And I was like, can we do that? He's like, we're not going to have this conversation. I was like, we are in it. We are in the conversation. Because I think it has something to do with human rights. That's what he said. I was like, they're little. They don't have rights yet. They don't own anything. I don't mean that. They have human rights. They have human rights. So we're always talking on this pad about generational things we're trying to break. So do you and Ben have those things that you brought that you're trying to do differently

with your babes? Yes, even as my parents, so sweet, I went through a really like gothic phase, which I loved. I think it's probably why I ended up loving characters so much. I was like, I don't want to be me, but like, you put Robert Smith hair on a five foot Irish gal, she's suddenly a little more interesting. At least it was to myself. I try to whenever they're going through phases, I want to never even if it is something that's like, kind of really funny or like, this will be funny later. I try to always think of it as what it means to them that you know, I'm wearing these frozen boots for eight months straight.

Georgie went through a phase where she just had these little like, these little black boots like that on a war and frozen. And then I was just always like I instead of being like this is so cute Like you're gonna remember this and kind of almost there's a mocking this to that Instead I tried to always be where to be like those boots are incredible Because they made her feel good. So I was like don't diminish Or make cutesy something that for whatever reason she wanted those boots on and they made her feel good. So I was like, don't diminish or make cutesy something that for whatever reason she wanted those boots on and they empowered her. My mom lovingly, but would always like come in

with the disposable camera and be like, you're gonna get such a kick out of you later. And like take a picture of me. And I was like, it's not a joke, it's not a costume. As I was like literally in a full costume. But I try not to do that or I try not to, I'm a real fiddler. So I try not to be like, that's great. Or yes, which I'm a, you know, I'm always like, if I, if I would just have ended the sentence after great. Exactly. It's just this constant like project and people aren't projects, are they?

No. And especially my oldest daughter, she truly is like, I don't care what it's a shirt, I'm sure sometimes it's an amazing outfit. And it's so she's really has the heart of an artist. They're both really creative. And I get such a kick out of that. And then when it's just like, I'm in pajama bottoms and like what I slept in, I'm like, Oh, what about that Victorian skirt? What about that with like a dark mark? Is that fun? And she's like, no, not today.

Like she's more bent and I'm always trying to be like, do you want me to run upstairs and get it? And we just look at it. She's like, no, that's okay. Like no malice, but I'm like, and I can always feel myself where I'm like, I just, if I could just again, run around the block instead of like, I'm just gonna myself where I'm like, I just if I could just, again, run around the block instead, I'm like, I'm just gonna go get it. It's gonna be fun to

look at. And Ben's like, don't do what you're doing. Well, it makes me actually think of like the first thing you do when you get a new role or a character is you go to the wig store. Why do you do that? One, it's my super happy place. I think I'd love a wig shop because in makeup and costume, it's all such a big part of it. I think there's something so altering about a wig that I find really magical because it's not just like, well, it's a different color. It's a different texture.

It's something that you really can't be because I'm not that. And I can put it on and I feel like this is as close as I can truly get to like walking in somebody else's shoes. It seems silly because it's such a superficial thing. But it's like, I can put on a wig and I'll try on like 40 wigs. And when I get the right one, I'm like, well, she loves grape juice. I just suddenly have all these very, very weird, specific things that I feel like I know to be true in my heart. And I know it's all conjured. But a wig, it's the fun of acting for me because like sometimes I like, I don't

always quite know what to do with myself as me. But when I step into somebody else's shoes, I feel like, well, I know how they feel about it. Like it's much more, I think, difficult to sometimes state my own opinion. Not that I'm not that I'm tentative at all. But sometimes I'm like, I don't know. But I mean, I see the good and the bad and this and this. But if I'm someone else, I'm like, they don't like it.

And here's 15 reasons why they don't like it. I can really be. We're succinct with it. I don't know what that says about me as me, but that's cool. It's like your respect for your characters. You have such a profound respect for the characters that you play. And it's wild thinking about you put on the wig and you're like, now I know she loves grape juice. Now I know. It's so multi-dimensional, just their complete their own rhythm.

I find it like so beautiful to watch. I find it fascinating. I mean, I used to always go, Big Lots was my favorite place to go because there used to be one on Western that was gigantic and it reminded me of home. It was like an old dime store. It really was the place I went a couple times a week and I would just walk around for an hour because you saw the most eclectic group of people.

They would never all be in the same place. And there was just always somebody in there that's like doing their own thing. And she doesn't care. She's not causing trouble, but it's like, I'm all in purple. And I wear purple and everything on me is purple. And then I follow them in the car and their car is purple. And then they say, stop following people. It's getting weird.

I also think they're the people that get the eye rolls or get like, they're so strange or they're off putting. I don't want people to be mean to people. I don't like that. But when someone's just like, this is what it is. I get up, I put this armor on every day. And if it's all purple, if I only wear plaid and I do these strange things, I just love that there are still people out there

that can just own who they are. And they don't have to be like, do you? I mean, especially now with, I feel like social media, it's like, did you like my vacation? Do you like my, my holiday decorations? I'm like, what are we doing? Who cares? Why are you showing? And like, so when I see someone who's, I guess, traditionally a little more off, I'm so enamored with those people that when I get to play them, I really do love them. Like I feel like I've gotten to know

all these different women because of those roles. And I love them for all their flaws and all their mistakes and their good and bad points. I just love it. And is this why you also are obsessed with, and maybe you're not obsessed. Okay. I am projecting that because I share this with you, but I read that you enjoy going to vintage stores and finding random portraits of people. I love portraits.

I know I'm, I'm obsessed. It's's I love it. You love it too. My whole my whole entrance of my and people will say, who is that? And I'm like, I don't know. But I don't know. But look at that's the whole point. I don't know. I don't know. But she loves grape juice. Yeah, she loves grape juice. I also think like we're why isn't this person with their family?

I always feel like I have to be like, somebody, oh my God. Like I can't leave like Bernice, you know, piled in a corner of some thrift store. Right, no. So I bring Bernice home because Bernice now has friends because there's 24 of them in my office. And I'm like, they're alone. Now all these people are together.

It's like, I just, and Ben is very terrified of portraits. OK, he's just like they're they're haunting us. He does not like them at all. And he's kind of made the kids are like no more portraits. It's weird. And I was like, I think you're I think you're lying. Yeah, I think you like them. And they're like, no, we're telling you we don't like them. They have caught me like coming into the house.

More like portrait. And they're like, no, we're telling you we don't like them. They have caught me like coming into the house. Smuggling portraits. And they're like, you have one, you promised. I'm like, I never promised. I'm going to rescue each time I find one. I love them. It's something like what you do in your work. I'm just saying it's like these people that aren't being seen. And then you're like, no, that person does not belong in the corner. I'm going to bring that person up, put them right on the wall.

Yep. And if she's standing next to a horse, marry proudly, all the better. Yes. That's exactly right. I don't even remember what happened, but I remember reading an apology that you gave. It was a video and it was such a gorgeous example of how to apologize that I saved it and I showed it to our whole team and was just like, this is it. This is correct. So what makes a good apology and why do 99% of the time we all suck at it? do 99% of the time, we all suck at it. Well, I don't know if I was good at it. I just thought we literally were doing 21 days of kindness. It was, we were, I think it was.

No good deed goes unpunished Melissa. Gonna have to apologize for that. Yeah, one of the charities we picked, which on paper and everything we vetted looked tremendous. And then literally the day we're like, here's the day, send, you know, support this cause blah, blah, blah. We found out that like they were also doing all these terrible things. We're completely like homophobic. The headline for what the charity was doing was one thing. And then as we like got deeper into it, and I thought, my God, I've just literally, I'm trying to raise money for this.

And it was like trying to catch something in the air. I felt so bad about it. I just felt terrible. But I also, I think if you go, Oh my God, all I do is mess up. If you can't mess up and then go, Oh my God, I screwed up so badly. And then just say in all honesty, I missed it. We didn't know. Like we never would have done this.

So like I'm, I think that it's just, it's sincere and I don't think it has to be so I'm sure I was rambling. That's another thing I try to teach the girls. Like you're going to screw up constantly. It's just part of being human. You just have to really own it when you do. And you have to own it. And you have to own it quickly and you have to own it 200%. And I did wonder, I was like, I wonder if there's going to

be like fury about this because it really was an organization that would never ever back by 5 billion miles. And it really people were just like, that's okay, we all make mistakes. And it was, it was such a nice, I was so pleased by the response because I do worry sometimes that the concept of one and done, I just, I don't know any humans that are able to do that and fit into that world. And if you really sincerely apologize and you mean it, it also takes, I think it takes some of the pressure off of everybody. Yes. As if it's okay to go, oh my God,

I couldn't have done that worse if I tried. I'm so sorry. Instead of we're all supposed to be perfect and say the right things and use the right words and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, I'm gonna screw up 20 times a day for sure. And so is everybody else. So if you're just sincere about it, I certainly

felt like I had screwed up by backing that. But then I'm like, well, all I can do is say I screwed up. Yeah. It was beautiful. Owning it quickly and completely. I have found that people are so unused to hearing other people own anything completely, that when they hear that, they're so amazed by it. They're so excited that somebody finally apologized without excuses and all the, you know. You can hear a real apology instead of a fake one.

Yeah, you can tell. You can tell. That's the difference. The response from so many people now, I always think of, like, I always see people as giant toddlers that, you know, if they cover their eyes, they're like, you can't see me. Well, I can, because you're in the room and they're like, no, you can't. Like with so much in the last, especially four, five years of just like, you know, you

don't have a black headband on. Like, no, I'm literally wearing a black headband. No, you're not. Like, there's no I think everybody wants to be like, if I just kind of duck and cover, no one will notice what I did. And so nobody either rises or falls. It's just this weird cowering because no one wants to get called out. I know I would be I would love to hear a politician just be like, God, I screwed that up. I could have screwed that up worse.

I think the world would just be so amazed and charmed by that coming from people that are in theory supposed to be helping people. It's so good because wouldn't you just say owning it without the 14 asterisks that are like, but here's what we did, but here's why it shouldn't have happened. And here's why someone else is actually to blame, but I'm being big by apologizing. People are then responding to your explanation. Whereas if you just say, I blew it and I'm sorry, then people respond to you saying that as opposed to inviting them to be like, well, was my explanation sufficient? The sincerity of it, we all have that little meter and you can tell when someone's bullshitting

or not or doing it to be like, I know it wasn't exactly right, but these were our motives. You can never trust that person again. There's just a thing that's broken. Especially if that's a repeated thing. You just need to come out and don't couch it. You have to really throw your whole self into like you screwed up. There's something really like from that, I think you can rebuild anything on that basis. Agreed.

Agreed. I read that you said this recently, I don't do the thing anymore of, yeah, I don't like how that person treats people or treats me, but they're still in my circle. We're not all gonna be friends. And if you treat people like garbage, I don't care if you're nice to me, I can see that and I can take them off the list a lot easier

than I used to. Can you operationalize that for us? What are the words? How do you draw a boundary with someone? If there's somebody in your life who you just found out is an asshole. Yeah. What do you do? How do you say it? Yeah. Like is it internally being like that person is done for me?

Or is it externally? Do you have to actually do something? I think it depends on if it's someone who's like really in my heart. It's a conversation. And is there a way through this? Is this, are you in a bad place? Is something happening? And then if it is like, No, this is really how I feel, then I'm like, Okay, then we part ways. If it's a business thing, we do crazy checks on everybody,

because we don't want to work with the person that is screaming at someone in the room or being terrible. But if it's not in my heart of my heart circle, it's very easy. No matter what the offer is, I don't choose to work with people that. You know, have come out and said things or just treat people abusively. It's no job is worth that to me. I'd rather I'd rather miss out. It's hard when they're people you love. I mean, it's really sticky when it's people in your family or in your tight rings when all of a sudden you're

like, oh, we may be completely in opposing positions on some pretty huge things in life. That's something that I guess naively I thought I'd never have to deal with. But it comes up and then I try to think about it in terms of as much as I wouldn't want them to call me and say, I think everything you think is incorrect, will you change because I'd be like, I can't turn against my basic beliefs. And so I do try to hold some space for people that I think right now is not the time. They're not able to maybe see a different way. So I do kind of put them in a different category of,

I know what I'm dealing with, but if I stay the course, will I be there for them when they maybe are like, oh, I hadn't thought about that. Especially with, I think religion and politics and everything right now gets so crazy and no one's gonna change my opinion. I mean, if you're like, well, I don't think two people of the same gender can be married.

There's no version of a world where someone's gonna talk to me and I'm gonna go, huh, you're right. I'm just trying to hold the space for someone. So maybe at the right time, maybe I can be part of them going, oh, you know, it's like, just do no harm. Do you know, if you do no harm, you don't want someone to tell you what to do. They don't want to be told. I try to hold space, but I back off a little. I've done that with people that I'm still kind of, I'm certainly rooting for them to come around to a more open and loving way of seeing the world. But I do worry about if I completely cut them out, again, not everybody, certain people, that maybe they don't have someone that will ever be the influence.

Moving around my kids might make them be like, you know, it's a tricky, sticky. There's no way to do it. I think it's a person by person basis and it's messy and it's heartbreaking. And I do try to run around the block a lot with that. Yeah. Though I don't really step in it. Okay. So I was so freaking excited when I read what you said and you said, I believe in ghosts.

I had an experience with the ghost. Me too. What was your experience? What was yours? Well, I was living in an apartment. I was living in an apartment. I was living in an apartment and I saw a little girl in a dress, white dress. And she lived there with me for the seven years that I lived in my apartment. Did you see her multiple times?

Oh yeah, like 20 times. Oh my God. Yeah. I mean, Abby was also on a lot of drugs for a while. That was during a pretty intense drinking, drugging. But what was your experience? Well, my great-grandmother lived with us on the farm. And when she passed away, I've had two different things. When she passed away, I was just distraught. We were very,

very close. And I was crying in my room. And then all of a sudden, I just felt a really strong presence. And she was in my little bedroom. And it was just a look. And I just knew everything was okay. And I was like, and just went downstairs. And my mom's like, Are you feeling better? I'm like, yeah. Because I was upset about my great grandmother passing away. And I was like, Yeah, I think like great grandma's fine. She was just in my room. I was like, Oh, she was kind of not gonna touch that topic. She's like, Probably. And then I kind of said it casually. And then I had another thing with my mom's mom.

I was in LA at the time and she had passed away and I had just gotten the call and I was driving. And I was crying really hard. And my sweet dad had given me his car that I had in LA. And I'd probably had it nine months, but I'd never gone in the glove compartment like ever. Like I don't keep anything in there. I couldn't reach it. I'm too short from the driver's side.

And I, and when I was like, I need a Kleenex and I was like, he probably had Kleenex in here. So I'm looking all over. The first time I ever, I opened the little door, you know, to the glove compartment and a picture and I swear I'm not lying, this little picture flipped out and landed on the passenger seat facing up. And it was a portrait of my grandmother who two minutes earlier I'd heard passed away. I didn't have it in there. And my dad's like, I don't remember putting it in the glove compartment, but I must have. And it was just sitting there on the seat and I had the same reaction. dad's like, I don't remember putting it in the glove compartment, but I must have. And it was just sitting there on the seat. And I had the same reaction. I was like, oh, and I got the feeling that she was like, for God's sakes, you're driving. Like,

get it together. I should have pulled over. But she was just there. And then I had a weird thing in Colorado where like we, I took the attic because I was like, ha, a bigger room. And then you got up there and you're like, this is haunted by a million souls. And like you would hear things. I was in Boulder, Colorado. The feeling was so palpable that I would know like which side. Like it was, you know, it was so strong. I never saw anything.

But you would hear things or like you had to the only way to get in the kitchen door, you had to like pull up the handle and like hit it with your hip to get in. And we were sitting in the living room once and the door just like flew open and there was no wind and it like slammed against the door. And so just weird, even a friend that stayed there with me, he's like, we are not alone in this room. Like at all. That's so good.

Do they scare you or do you feel like these experiences that like make you feel safer? Especially with my two, my great and my grandma. Those were like, it was an incredibly calming feeling. And it was, it's funny. I've actually never thought about that. Both times I was crying about them passing, I got out of it separately, and they just appeared in different ways. But it was the most calming thought of like, it's fine. I'm fine. It's okay. Then even in the weird house that we were renting in Boulder,

I didn't feel it was menacing. It was just so palpable that I was always like, well, I know somebody is here, but I didn't know anything about the history. We were the first people that were not of the family to live, it was like a hundred year old house. And we were the first non-family members to rent, to have it. So I'm like, I don't know,

but I was sleeping in an attic with somebody every night. So you're not Catholic anymore, but you do have a, you believe that there's more than we can see here. Like how would you describe your spirituality? I strongly strongly believe that this is not it. I just, I, in my head, I feel, I feel too much and I, oh my God, I couldn't even, I can't comprehend a world where I won't see my grandmother or my great grandmother or like, Oh God, I can't even finish the sentence, I'll start crying. Like the thought of not, that it just ends. I just think there's too much magic. Whatever it is you feel between people, there's no way to quantify that that just ends one day. Like

I just couldn't bear it. I had my sister once said, we went out ironically for a beer and then she sat down. She's like, I'd like to talk about your salvation. I was like, oh, boy. Okay. This is a big one. But she was she was worried. And I said, I, you know, I don't think any of us have the same thought of whatever God is, whatever swirling cluster of magic, you know, is it, I don't know what it is. I don't think it's a person. It's certainly I don't see it as a white dude with a great beard. But I do think something's there. I talk to God all the time. But it's like in my car, I'm just like thinking about things. I said think something's there. And I talk to God all the time. But it's like in my car, or I'm just like thinking about things.

I said, it's not that I don't believe in the magic at all. I just, I don't think it has a specific address. And I don't think it can be connected to anything hateful. Yeah. So if you're saying, you're wrong, you're wrong. You can't do this. We don't acknowledge that. To me, you know, I think of those old, really old cartoons where it's like you get to the pearly gates.

I think so many people that are really religious, I'm like, you're not going to get into that club, you're going to have to do it. Like I do feel like they're going to be like, boy, did you screw that up? Like, just go back and be nice. Like it's so simple. But I certainly don't, you know, I think maybe my sister thought I was like an atheist, which I'm really not. Cause I just, I don't know how that, there's too much magic, I think.

Yeah. Whatever that means. It's the theme of what you told your daughters about just always finding someone that will lift them up and the way that your mom lifted you up when you said the audacious I'm going to move and the way that your spirituality is about lifting up. It's a really beautiful theme of life. Theme of life. Yeah.

It's very beautiful. It's a constant fail and rejigger and try to do it better, but it's certainly, and Ben, I mean, Ben's whole thing, I mean, he's just like, if there's one thing, if everybody was just like, is this the kindest, not being walked over, but like, is the next thing I'm about to do the kindest version that I can do? Or the kindest version of this moment that I can participate in? He's like, if everybody just followed that, we think about it all the time. Can you imagine a world, like even 24 hours where everybody like, stop trying to like one up or I'm going to get noticed

for this terrible hate, shitty remark about someone. I look forward to being back in style where doing the right thing also seems interesting. Like that would be so cool instead of like just being the biggest dirt bag gets you noticed. I'm like, oh god. Okay we're about to wrap here, tragedy for us. Oh my gosh. What's hard for you right now? Raising two women in a country that I feel like women are under attack for.

I feel like all of my gay friends and women, and my God, when they're both, they're like, I got it coming for me multiple ways. Sometimes the girls ask me questions about just basic human rights and kindness. And I am so overwhelmed that I don't have a good answer for them. I can't make it better.

I can't say, this won't happen. It won't come to this. People just like to be loud. I'm like, we're in it. I never thought I would just be kind of fearful to be in this country. And I want to take it back. I just want to look at people and be like, I'm here to tell you, no one's trying to turn you.

I can guarantee you. Mitch McConnell, no one wants you. I don't want to force you to believe anything. And you shouldn't force me. Just do no harm. And everybody should just be able to play in the same sandlot. And it's really hard. I mean, you guys know with, with kids, it's like they want an answer to something that seems insane. It seems like

as an insane, scary movie that I don't want to watch and we're living in it. And when there is no, I don't have the words because the thoughts are in my head of how to make it better or even justify it. That's what scares me. And I feel I believe there's more good than the menace 100%. It's just the hate is so much louder. I always think of it as a visual of like, you're at an intersection. There's one person that's just screaming like, you're all gonna die and I hate you. It's so aggressive and loud. And then there's somebody else on the other corner. It's like, you're doing a great job. You're great. You had a great day. Should we have another one today? It's like, there's no way to do that with the same

volume. So I'm always like, do we just sort of have, is it physically being like, I don't know how to go up against that. It's like one has a microphone and a huge amp. And then somebody else is like talking, the nice guy is like talking into a milk bottle. Just like, I know the good outweighs the bad. I try to always, when I feel scared, remember that. But it's so quiet that I think we forget it's there. So I don't know. So I try to remember that, but it's a scary place right now. Can we please just have a skit where Melissa McCarthy is screaming on the side of the road at people just, you're doing great.

I would do that all day long. I would just love it. I do yell things at people a bunch. Yeah. I'm very weirdly vocal, but I think it's probably off-putting to people because I'm always like, oh, say it. Like, do you think it's safe? So I do often roll down the window and I'm like,

I'm in love with that star! I'm scared. And then they kind of do, if they do recognize me, it's almost like, what? So I do, like, I try to do that more and more because everybody's yelling something. I love to throw like a loud, aggressive compliment. Yes. The first people are like, what's going on? I'm like, you're not.

I really encourage it. It's like it's the best. And then I feel better for doing it. I think it's that it's that wonderful ripple effect of like, I'm so glad I did it. And then I bet that person's within the hour is going to see something nice to that person. And then it's going to keep ping ponging. And I want that ripple effect more. So good. All right. That's our next right thing pod squad. If we think something positive, we're going to say something positive. And

that's going to start. See something, say something. See something, scream it. Okay, babe. I'm actually, I'm just going to go with say, okay. Cause I don't want you doing that around the house. Melissa McCarthy, you are a goddamn dream. Yeah. Well, tell it to the mirrors guys. You're so awesome. And you know, tell it to the mirrors, guys. Oh my God. Tell it to the mirrors. You're so awesome. And you know, bridesmaids is our family's like go-to. Although I would say the Starling is now a close.

Well that was just the most special. It just crushed us this week. The most special. That one is, go see the Starling if you haven't. Get it in your living room. Thank you for this hour. Thanks. You guys.

This has been such a delight and I just love what you guys do. And I love that every day you're just you're you're making that ripple effects better. And you're making it easier to talk about everything instead of just holding holding in what weighs you down. It's like it's really impactful what you do. And I just I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you. We love you pod squad. We'll see you next time. Bye.

Bye guys. If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us. If you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do these three things. First, can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things? Following the pod helps you because you'll never miss an episode and it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. To do this, just go to the We Can Do Hard Things show page on Apple podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

And then just tap the plus sign in the upper right-hand corner or click on follow. This is the most important thing for the pod. While you're there, if you'd be willing to give us a five-star rating and review and share an episode you loved with a friend, we would be so grateful. We appreciate you very much. We Can Do Hard Things is created and hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle in partnership with Odyssey.

Our executive producer is Jenna Wise-Berman, and the show is produced by Lauren Legrasso, Alison Schott, Dina Kleiner, and Bill Schultz.