We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - More Embarrassing Stories!

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

Back by popular demand, it’s more mortifying stories! Glennon, Abby, and Amanda share more of their most embarrassing moments – and cry-laugh in solidarity with Pod Squaders’ new and hilarious voicemail confessions. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And I continue to believe the best people are free. Bonanza. Yes, but Bonanza, she said. Bonanza. Apropos of nothing. All right, we're starting with that. I don't understand it, but welcome. We can do hard things.

Arapopo of nothing. Vanessa. Vanessa. I don't know. I don't know. We are probably feeling weird because today we are doing an encore presentation of mortifying stories. Yes.

If you haven't listened to the first episode of mortifying stories, you're going to need to go back. That episode has changed my life in unfortunate ways, which is that people used to stop me and say, a very, a myriad of beautiful things. But now they just tell me about the story where they shit themselves. Like on the street. I mean, they didn't shit on the street. They've stopped me on the street and tell me this will some of them did. So it's been kind of fantastic and and unifying. Yeah, right? It has brought people together. So we're going to do it again. We're going to spend the next hour telling you even more and hearing more

from our pod squad about their most humiliating, embarrassing, mortifying moments. And we hope that it will bring us together. Enjoy once again. And also for a higher good. If you're feeling guilty, like this is like watching Trash TV, think of it of doing the incredibly vital work of normalizing the human experience. That's right. Okay. And we are also taking the step of having the LLW belly laughs, which are vital for our health. Yes. So this is basically like a yoga class and a therapy. You're welcome. That's right.

I love it. We're self-helping. Yeah. Is it okay if I just tell you a couple more I've thought of since... Oh, we're doing you. So I just have more and bear, you have more embarrassing stories. I love this. Well, it just, I do too. Oh, good.

I'm telling you something about you. Three of them. Three. You have three? You guys unloaded all my good stuff. I like, well, I have a never ending supply. I think my pop run it over with mortifying straw.

Oh, this is good. OK. Well, the first story I want to tell is about my aunt Judy. OK, it's not. OK, so in my family, we have a aunt Judy. Hi, aunt Judy. We have a problem with kitchens, especially my mom's out of the family.

I don't know what happened to us, but like there's nothing goes well there. Like we don't know how to cook. It just wasn't in our jeans or something. And so it never has been passed down, the way it's been passed down in other families. And so what I think that people don't understand who know how to cook is that they have a schema

in their brains that gets activated when they walk into the kitchen or they pick up a recipe. What's a schema? It's like background information. So what people say is, why don't you know, how to cook? It's just reading directions. And what I say is, well, when I pick up the directions and they say, mints and dice and julienne, I'm just like, I'm, what the fuck, I don't know what all of that means. So what I'm saying is we don't have it in our family. We don't have the background knowledge. So Ann Judy has never cooked a thing in her life. One day, she decides she's going to cook for this like baked thing that...

Bananza. God damn family has to go to this is what Judy would say the God damn family has to go the supposed to bring a God damn cake right? Because God damn life all right, so She tells my my cousin Karen who's like eight at the time To run to grandma's house to get the ingredients because of course she wouldn't go to the store Yeah, whatever you can my grandma's house to get the ingredients. Of course, she wouldn't go to the store. So Karen has to run to grandma's house. However, you can. I grandma's house, but lucky, luckily, grandma has baloney and tomatoes. That's what you're not going to have a lot of luck over there. Oh, I love baloney. So she goes to grandma's house. Grandma doesn't have any of the stuff. So she comes

back. She's no, I actually have to go to the store. My aunt gives her the money. She goes down to the local store. She buys whatever you You need to make a cake, okay? She comes back. And Judy's already pissed off. She's in the kitchen, she's got the things all laid out. She mixes the thing, she does whatever. She adds the egg, she's stirring, stirring, stirring, stirring in the pan, okay?

And then she looks at the box, because of course she's just making it from a box, right? She looks at the box and she says, God dammit, where's the tape? looks at the box, because of course she's just making it from a box, right? She looks at the box and she says, God damn it. Where's the tape? And Karen says, tape? And Judy says, yes, how the hell I'm supposed to make a cake, but there's no tape. There's no tape.

Karen go find some tape. Karen looks all over the house for tape. She comes back, she says, we don't have any tape. What kind of tape? Scotch tape, whatever tape. Karen runs back to my grandma's house, okay? Finds a big thing of masking tape. That's all she has. Runs back to Judy's house. Judy's standing in front of the counter. Curseing, Karen says, I've got the tape, I've got the tape. So my aunt Judy takes the tape from my cousin Karen and begins to tape the pan Down to the counter, okay against the counter against the counter

So she's covering it like like covering it making it turns into like this tent, okay? It looks like a tent of covered tape And then Karen and Judy sit In front of the counter and just stare at this conglomeration now because it's just a mound of tape. You can't even see the cake anymore. And so Judy goes, well, what the hell now? What the hell are we supposed to do now?

So little Karen takes the box and then she looks at her mom and she's backing out of the kitchen and she goes, Mom, it says tap the cake on the counter. Then she runs out of the kitchen, tap, tap the cake on the counter, not masking tape on the counter. And that has now become family lore. Huh. Yes. Yeah. That's when you don't have a schema, then taping the cake to the counter doesn't sound

any more unusual than folding something into the cake. You fold why the hell not masking tape the cake to the counter. Okay. Do you want to do one to see? Because I have a couple. I just remembered an high school. I had this huge crush on this guy named Mike Spalding. And he was the coolest guy. And I I really, really liked him. And one time he just randomly stopped by her house.

And I was like, oh my god, this is so awesome. So he opens the door. He comes in. My mom's like, Mike's here. He walks in the living room. And unfortunately for me, I am sitting on the floor of the living room stuffing pennies. You know those penny rolls, the paper penny rolls.

Why did we always have to do that? I don't know. We didn't always do it. It was like once a year, the whole point jar would fill up and you'd have stuff pennies. And he came in a kind of, he was so funny. He kind of made a funny joke about, oh, stuff in pennies. It's like, you know, whatever.

It's odd to walk into someone's house and see them sitting within like 400,000 pennies. Then I still have a crush on him. He still doesn't like me very much, but he likes me enough to stop by another time like five months later. He comes in the house and I'm sitting on the living room for stuffing pennies. For the second time in five months that I've done it, but both times, he stopped by my house. He's sitting on the floor stuffing pennies.

I knew he was so embarrassing because I had to be like, I don't always stuff pennies. It's not like I'm always just sitting around stuffing pennies. Yeah, it was like, sure. Sure, Noel. Anyway, that was funny. Oh, I love that. I also remembered in college,

I was in a sorority, which is kind of funny when you think about that. I was a gender studies major in a sorority, which is kind of funny when you think about that I was a gender study major in a sorority, but I was. And I had a boyfriend who flew in for the event and I would get like so excited for these big dances that I would be over served. And I was over served for this and this was was in the era of like, not tights, but what were they called, Nylons? Like you were Nylons. Weird. And I would always wear Nylons,

but I would not wear underwear because you could see, because what's the point of underwear if you have Nylons on, right? Totally. And you could see it underdress. Anyway, we get that back. The pictures, you know, the big pictures

of everyone in the group, that is like, okay, and so they put these up in the house and this is already house. And there's the huge pictures of everyone in this world, everyone at the dance. And we were the first year, the youngest kids. And so we all were kneeling in the front row, except I was kneeling with my legs apart in my dress. Oh my God. With my no underwear on. And so the picture, which is everyone's like favorite picture people live for this, right? To see everyone in the picture except the entire pictures in the house. And then on me in my crotch is a sticker heart that the people have had to put over my vulva on the picture because everybody wants to hang the picture so they can see themselves, but it's me in the front with a big red heart sticker over my vulva so I'm not flashing everyone who walks by in the house. Is there any way to get a copy?

Someone probably has it. Okay. If you're listening to this, please don't post that picture. Yeah. Yeah. That's so good. Oh my gosh. I have a kind of an embarrassing story that happened to me in high school.

One of my dear friends and she was a teammate of mine. She was like a junior when I was in eighth grade senior when I was a freshman. I was always like on the varsity soccer team. One of the very first like weeks of practice, she comes up to me and says, all right, so you're the youngest of a family, I am too. I never got taught stuff. So here's the deal. Before you come to school, you gotta brush your teeth. Pfft. And every night after practice, you gotta take a shower.

Oh, honey, you just tell me you stunk. I was like, oh, okay. And you gotta wear deodorant, you know, like it's just one of those things. You just you You didn't have a schema for hygiene. No, you've been stinking and You know, we're all in close proximity and then you get into a car the whole shebang And I was like, okay, so like I was in eighth grade when I first learned that I needed to brush my teeth every morning Brush my hair. She also said So like I was in eighth grade when I first learned that I needed to brush my teeth every morning.

Brush my hair, she also said. We're deodorant and shower after practice every day. Bless her heart. And your heart, did you feel embarrassed? Yeah, it was so embarrassing. Oh, that's a lot. And then I think I went like the other way and I was like, you know, I was like, oh, I like how I like it.

I'm doing a thing here. I do it on my hair. But now I think I's like how I like it. I'm doing a thing here. I do it on my hair. But now I think I'm like super sensitive. Is that why you always smell so good and you put on all the things? Yeah. Because I'm like, do I smell bad? Do you smell anything? Oh.

I've also. I've also. Those things traumatize you. I think a little bit. Yeah, and also, I've also had a lot of teammates that have also had this problem for whatever reason. And I just, people come to me as like the leader captain of the team and they're like, we gotta talk to Sohn so and I'm like, y'all.

Tell Liz, she smells like shit. Yeah. Y'all. I- Is that part of your job? This is a toughy. This is a toughy. We might just need to, like,

so you go through a process of modeling, like, you get into the locker room and everybody's like, everybody has to shower. You know? Everybody's got to shower right now. Let's all take showers, trying to like get people into the mindset. That's good.

Will you smell really good now, babe? Thank you. Oh, and that's good. Well, you smell really good now, babe. Thank you. I was thinking back, sister, do you remember like 10 years ago or something? I had seen some situation in a magazine or online where a woman was being photoshopped. So like she posed for something and then with no knowledge of her own, they just like photoshopped her up and put her on the cover. And she was so pissed. So then I got so pissed about like women and photoshopping and all of the things. So I wrote this like,

things. So I wrote this like, man, a festo. It was like a festo. Ed. There's nothing. Yes. But it was like about how I, you will never photoshop me in any situation. Women are do not need to be made, you know, more palatable to whomever with your fancy machines. And I will appear in periodicals and media exactly the way I am and know and it was this entire thing and I sent it to sister and then she didn't call me and I was like, what the hell? So I call her and I was like, did you get my Photoshop manifesto? And she was like, I did. And I was like, well, what do you think? And she was like, it's well written. And then didn't say anything else.

And I was like, well, okay. So what's the plan? Like what, she goes, well, glad no one's ever asked you to like be in a magazine. Like, anything. What do you want me to save this just in case? Someone ever asks to take a picture of you? Like, what is this for?

Apropos of nothing. It's the Nyanza. But I don't know. I was like, to whom it made concern. And I was like, no one is concerned. No one has asked you to appear in their periodical. But if and when they do, I'll make them well sure. If they want to use

a photograph instead non-periodical, they will not photoshop it. Oh my God, it's so embarrassing. I'm sweating. I'm Jonathan M. Hevar. I'm a podcast producer and someone who likes fancy things. But I grew up working class. My parents were immigrants with factory jobs. And because of that, I think about class a lot. And I want to talk about it.

That's what we're doing on my new podcast, Classy. And what did you all eat? You know, trailer food. I was like, girl, we're not doing that anymore. You'll hear from people who told me awkward, embarrassing, and strangely intimate things about what class means to them. She said, you know, for the house cleaner, I hide the tag on the $6 bread. And I just thought, don't you think she knows that you're wealthy?

You're hiding the tags from yourself. Classy. A new podcast from Pineapple Street Studios. Available now, wherever you get your podcasts. are on the road, I have an event. Okay, I think we were in like Charleston, South Carolina or something, and we were staying at a hotel next door to the event that I was at, that speaking at, okay? And so the hotel was a buzz. A buzz.

A buzz, a buzz, a buzz, a buzz, a buzz, a buzz, a buzz, a buzz, a banana, a banana, a banana, a woman who many of whom were going to the event. Okay. So I come down to the lobby, getting ready to go over to the event. And I'm standing next to this group of women and they like kind of look,

do you know where I'm going? They kind of like look over at me. In my mind, I'm registering these people are going to do that, right? You're registering maybe these people want to put me in a periodic. Yeah, exactly. Are they photoshopping me with their eyeballs? So one of them comes over to me. And so I turn to look at her and she says, would you take a picture and then like gestures

back to her group? So I, in my ever so humble, generous spirit, say, of course, of course. So it gives me the phone. I hand my sister the phone and I walk over to the group of women. I snuggle myself in the middle of their lines. Okay, there's like six of them. So I get into the center of them. I put my arms around their waist. Okay, I smile at my sister who has the camera. My sister is shaking with laughter. Takes the picture.

And then I noticed that the women are just being weird. They're just being weird. They're not like smiling or excited. And one of the women turns to me in the line. And she goes, she goes like this. She goes, that was weird. Could you take a picture of us? She had no freaking idea who I was.

She just wanted a picture of her friends. And I got in the middle of their picture and squeezed them like they were my best friends. I would love to have that photo of all of them going like, and I just had to walk away. I just walked away and then sister got her shit together and took a picture of the women by themselves because she knew what was going on the entire time. Just let me go through the shard.

I was a... But I'm a... Somewhere that picture exists with all seven of you, but you have a heart-shaped sticker. Yes, so they can block you out. If anyone asks me for a picture now, I always say of me. Yeah, because I'm so scared. It's a good test. Yes, I'm so scared that they don't mean it.

Okay, that was weird. That was weird. That was weird. Okay. So, let's hear from Meredith. Hi, Meredith. My embarrassing story was coming back into the US with my Shirley partner. And he was going into one line for four years

and I was going into my line for four years and I was going into my line and so that's it and we get there in the TSA agent said to have a passport in hand and the scanner and he said, face down and the scanner and quite a twist and I just slowly put my head down putting my face on the scanner but you guys, he hit my passport. He didn't mean my face, and he just looked at me like, oh, God. But he wasn't seeing it before. Like I wasn't the first mega idiot.

And then I joined back up with my partner, and I could just kept this little moment to myself, but I told him, I shared that humiliated moment where I put my face down on the scanner, not the face down of my passport. And I told him and he loved that story more than anything and he'll let me live it down. That's so good.

Face down. Face down. And she put her face to the scanner. That reminds me of the passport. Oh. Okay. This is what I need the pass guard to understand. We were trying to renew Gladiant's passport.

And so I texted her one day and I said, I need a picture of your passport. I have to get that, to get the information off of it. And she says, okay, and she texted me back a picture of her passport, except she has sent me just the front, the clothes blue front of the passport, except she has sent me just the front, the blue front of the passport where it just says passport. She's like, here it is.

And I'm like, thanks. The cover of the blue, when I said picture of your passport, she just sent me a picture of the blue cover. As if there was anything that anyone was gonna do with the cover of a passport, I was like, thanks. That also looks like my passport. I think that I thought I was just being tested because I thought you were asking me to prove

that I had gotten my passport. Well, that wouldn't have proved it. That could have been anyone's passport. I need to go back to what Meredith and the TSA agent, I will say, there's two things that really freaked me out. Customs and DMVs. There's something about not being able to drive and not being able to get back or into a country that I actually lose part of my consciousness. Yeah, I'm scary.

I freak out, like, Tish sought the other day because she was getting her license at the DMV and I was like running around and I have all the documents because clearly we just found out that Glenin is not the document person and our family. And Tisha is like kind of rattled because she never sees me in this way. Like TSAs, cause you lose your mind.

You lose our minds with panic. We panic. It's a major power differential. And it's also like the Wild West. They can say whatever you want. There's no grievance process. There's no escalating. The DMV could be like, I'm sorry, confiscating this license

and you'll never drive a motor vehicle again. And the rest of your life, you're trying to fight it. And it's because you were in the wrong line. Yeah. I just saw a two other day that I thought was the funniest thing on earth that someone said, the DMV is like, did you bring the Declaration of Independence? Yeah. was the funniest thing on earth that someone said, the DMV is like, did you bring the declaration of independent stuff?

I mean, listen, you have to bring your whole- I know any documents! The whole thing. And then they're like, you don't have it, so you have to come back. And you're like, I can't take off a work. My kids are busy. Okay, let's hear from, I don't know who this next person is. Hi, Abby, and Glenan and sister.

My more defined story is when I was 19. I was dating this hippie long-haired man who was also 19, he was not a man. But he was at his family's home. And his parents were throwing a big party. They were the type of rich parents that let underage kids drink. And so we were very drunk. And he had the lower basement part of the house.

We were drinking and hanging out. And it was probably time to go to bed. I went to go to sleep and fell on manage to like go upstairs and his mother looked a lot like him and was in bed naked. And I crawled in bed naked with his mother and we were there for the rest of the night not knowing that it was not yet. And so the next morning I woke up and I banged her on the bottom and said, no, what are you doing? And she figured out it says, I'm not Noah, I'm his mom.

Oh my God. My favorite part of that story was the way she tried to justify. He looks a lot like his mom. Like he could have made that mistake, even if they weren't 19 and plastered. You know, you two would have jumped in bed with Noah's mom. I mean, it often happens when people have look like their parents. You find yourself sleeping with them. When I was growing up one of my cousins, it was like how college, just after college, party time in my family's household,

she fell asleep and went to go to the bathroom. And this is like an older, older house that I grew up in. And so there's one bathroom that served like five bedrooms upstairs. And so the bathroom was to the right. She was so drunk that she took a left into my parents bedroom and sat at the end of my parents bed, pulled her pants down. No. Yeah.

And my mom was like, Joanne, Joanne, Joanne, what are you doing? And Joanne says, why are you with the bathroom? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't know what happened after that, but that's family lore in my family. That's really good. I mean, who hasn't done that?

Yeah. Who hasn't peed in their parents bedroom? Like, I don't think I've even done that. No, but I mean, would you think it's the bathroom and it's not? You're like, you're like in the closet. You're like, what? The bathroom is different. It's not mortifying.

That's just human nature. Exactly. So I just thought of this story. When you were talking about the sorority thing. So there was this one situation that my friend told me about. It was a group of women that were living together. And it was in college. You remember in college or in communal living

where one person flushes and all of the hot water would go away So everyone in the shower and say thing would like free us So because of this there was a sign in the stall that said don't forget to yell flush Because that way people who are in the shower Could like step away from the water. But this one girl, I don't know if she's drinking or if she just, she misunderstood the sign. So she peed and then she stood up and then she kept saying to the toilet flush. Go down. She thought that the sign that the toilet was voice activated and you have to yell flush at it until it flushed. She thinks it's 2025.

That's really good. She thinks it's 2025. Okay, let's hear from Terry. Hi, this is Terry back in 2001, Rowling with Carolina, just had a baby in the hospital and that back then, you know, the preacher of pain to the hospital to like welcome the baby. And I was asleep and my mom had come in

and the preacher came to the door. Of course, my mom won come in. And the preacher came to the door. Of course, my mom woke me up like the preacher is here. So, kind of woke up. I was worried that like my boobs were all going to hang out of my nursing gown. So I was getting that off, that she waited. Anyway, and he came in, he apologized, he woke me up. I said, no, no, it's fine, it's fine. And he like set a prayer over a family.

And he went down, I guess to kiss my forehead. And I thought he was to kiss me. So I puckered up and I kissed him on the lip. Nope. Really right there in front of my mom. I kissed the priest her on the lip. And my mom was like, what did you do? And I said, I thought I was coming up for a kiss.

I didn't know. So anyway, so I can start reaching on the lip. She's having my family at the hospital. It's a baby one day old. Oh my God, that's beautiful. Terry, oh, God, how awkward. It's so awkward. And just like, he was coming in and I just went for it.

Sister, remember when our first big huge meeting with all of the fancy people in New York and they were on that big Zoom or something. And when we were leaving the meeting, I said, okay, bye, I love you. Oh, yeah, that was really awkward. Yeah. Because we had just met them like five minutes before.

Yeah. Like a team we had worked for. And it was in dude. And it was dudes. And we didn't even end up working with them. No, which we could probably got. A prop of nothing. The him. No, which we could probably got. A propose of nothing. The dance.

Okay, bye. I love you. I mean, but how often do I do that so often? Because when I got off the phone with the kids every time, it's like, okay, love you, bye. I know. Okay, love you, bye. And so I'm on the phone with some Joe Schmo.

And I'm like, okay, love from Verizon. Yeah, you're like, love you, bye. So weird. All right, let's hear from Shannon. My name's Shannon. When I was a sophomore in high school, I had a little boyfriend that I was very promiscuous with. And we were being teenagers, hooking up on the couch, you know,

watching a movie or a quote, and I thought my parents had gone to sleep. Well, all of the sudden, my boyfriend is on the floor underneath the blanket, doing things and I hear rustling in the kitchen and I turn around and my dad is standing there. And I don't know what to do. I'm trying not to enjoy what is happening.

So I start kicking my boyfriend and screaming, did you find the remote? Hurry up and find the remote. Yes. Quick thinking. Yeah. Yes. And quick thinking. Yeah, I'm still mortified telling the story 10 years later. Shannon is a genius. That is a genius. Sometimes, sometimes you just got to say something that

makes it plausible for everyone to pretend that's what was happening. Exactly. That dad was like, that's exactly what Shannon's doing. What a helpful boyfriend she has. Always looking to find the remote. I have a hilarious story that I have to leave anonymous because it's so it's so funny. One of my friends was hooking up with somebody on a rug. was hooking up with somebody on a rug. And you know, there's like a sexual maneuver where you pull somebody closer to you

with their knees, you pull them closer to you. Well, she was on a rug and she was naked. And the rug, it was like a shag rug. Okay. So, I propose of everything. They were shagging on a rug. So it was a shag rug. Okay. Okay. So apropos of everything, they were shagging on a rug. So it was a shag rug. Is that what we did there? Yeah.

And so she ends up in the hospital, because the threads of the shag get stuck and get embedded into her vagina. No. No. And it her vagina. No. No. And it blows up. No. Yes.

Wait, the shag expands? No. So her vagina swold up. From the shag rug fibers. Yes. Our fiber wasn't something else. They had to go in there and pull out the little shag fibers when she

got to the hospital. Do you think that's how it's got its name the rug? Shag rug. I don't know. Oh my god. Okay, how about the next person? Hey, Glenn and Abby and sister. So there's a thing at the University of Florida. The greatest. And it's like a little bar hop. And then you take the bus back home. So, you know, I did the whole content trade really hard.

And not that's my stop posting. And the whole time this guy that I was seeing is like me like, hey, come over, hey, come over. And I was like, yeah, yeah, you can just do an Uber out the, yeah, yeah, I can do that. I never ordered an Uber before ever. This is like, 2014 Uber just got the game so we're really excited. So I go to order an Uber and I'm like, it's not working. I don't know what's happening like I put in my name, I put in like my address and address and I'm gonna go. Well the next day come to find out I get a call and it's like hey I'm like hi and they're like thanks so much for applying with a job with Uber or waiting for more about what you are as a driver why you want to work for us now I'm like

I'm gonna make her more about what you are as a writer. Why you wanna work for us? And I was like, oh, I applied for a fucking job. I did not order a car. And that is my first choice. Thanks. Oh, by the way, I was graduating with my master's degree that day.

Ha, ha, ha. I will say this. Oh, she accidentally applied for a job. Yes, I will say this though. There are some apps that are hard to navigate. They're all yeah. And you're like, I, I, I don't understand how to do this. Also, I went to the University of Florida. So go gators. Go gators. Go gators. Oh, that's good. All right, Kristen. Hi, my name is Kisbezo. I was in grad school at a fairly small university.

I didn't have a robust program yet for the degree I was getting. And so we did teleconferencing classes. And I was in the program with my boyfriend. And so we were the only two people taking the class at our university. So one time we were in this room and we were fairly new to dating and it was fun and so we're all set up waiting for the class to start we're conference in and muted or so I thought so I turned to him at one point and I said you know I could blow you under this table and no one would know, which never

in my life have I said before or after or done. And all we hear is, Merced, could you please turn your mic off? And people say a little bit that day, but we're still together to keep later. So sometimes mortification brings the closer together. Oh, honey. Oh, God. Do you know what that reminds me of? All right.

Sister, do you remember? Of course you do because it's probably etched in your soul forever. But when Abby and I were falling in love and we were trying to do things methodically in terms of going abroad. Okay, well you were trying to do things methodically. Yes. Okay. We were nothing but just drunk and love.

I don't know why I did that. I still, since then, do not know why I did this. But we were on like a tour to get, and I was in charge of all of these things. And so my publisher sent me the bios for all the people who are gonna be speaking at one of the nights. You were gonna be speaking at one of the nights. So your bio was in the list of bios, okay?

I, for some a thing reason As a joke, I think you were there like with me or something at the computer probably because we were like attached at the hip I took your bio and took out half of the paragraph and added my own spin to it. So it was like Abby Wombok, you know, FIFA World Player of the Year, Olympian, blah, blah, blah, hottest human in the universe. I want to marry her. I want to sleep with her. I want, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, just this funny, like thing and then showed it to you. And then I fucking sent it to the publishing team. You forgot to make that entire publishing team. I sent it. So I'm, I press send. And then if you find out,

well, I freeze and I don't move. I'm just staring at the computer like, and then if you remember this, we were in the little office in that my old house. I just crumble to the ground. I just lay on the floor and then the phone rings, okay, within seconds. And it's sister.

And she's just like, what the absolute fuck? Like we are, we have been working so hard to do this right. And then you sent like a porn paragraph to our entire team. So then I couldn't, I had no words. I just, I don't, I don't. I mean, so then I think we sent another email that was like whatever you do,

don't open the previous email. That works well. I know what you're saying. It's like everyone has disregarded your email until you send an email that says disregard prior email, at which point everyone goes back to look at the prior email. Have we ever even talked, have we talked to Whitney about this? I hope Whitney will, Whitney's my editor,

who's been through low so many things with me. Actually, one more Whitney story. Whitney Frick, I love you. Whitney Frick has been with me since the very, very, very beginning on my first tour. For Carrie. I'm where you're for Carrie. I'm where I went to New York City. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing at all. Okay. just became ready. Just be TV ready. TV ready, as if that made things me, I was watching a lot of Real Housewives back then.

That's what I did. That was my TV. So to me, to be TV ready, meant you had four pounds of Botox. You had 60 pounds of makeup. You had eyelashes out to your, you had extensions in your hair. You had huge boobs, you had,

I just made myself into a real housewife, okay? Part of my real housewife outfit was these chicken cutlets that I used to stuff in my bra. Okay, so they were not actual chicken cutlets, but you all know what we're talking about, those silicone little packets that look like chicken cutlets. Yeah. Right.

So I went to New York City, did the today show, did an entire segment little packets that look like chicken cutlets. Yeah. Right. So I went to New York City, did the today show, did an entire segment about how we should all show up as ourselves, vulnerable, and be real. And I did that in my entire real house with, you know, with my fake boobs. And by real, I mean real housewives. Like, I could not move my face. And I was like, we need to embrace who we are. That's fine. I can't even think about it.

Then I flew to the next place and I forgot my chicken, the cutlet boobs in my drawer, which I was like at the hotel, which I was like, how am I gonna be TV ready without my boobs? So I had to call Whitney, who barely knew me at the time and I was like, fancy New York editor, I just need you to go back to the hotel and just get my boobs. So I had to call Whitney who barely knew me at the time. And I was like, fancy New York editor, I just need you to go back to the hotel and just get my boobs. And I just need you to send them to me at my next hotel. So she, Whitney, as one of her very first acts

of love, delivered my boobs to the next hotel. Yes, she did. She had to like overnight them to Chicago or something. Okay, let's move on. My name is G and I wanted to call about a prosthetic penis story. Yeah, you do. Basically, I was in a house with me and my partner and two of our friends who worked together. And long story short, after we ex-liz are prosthetic beings, I went in the shower to wash it. And I don't know where my brain was, but I washed it and then I, you know, it could speak to the shower wall. So I started to the wall, so I could wash myself. And then I forgot that I had stuck it to the wall.

And I left the shower. So a few minutes later, our other friends went to take a shower. And we're all hanging out in the living room. And we heard a scream. And she said, who left their teeth in this shower? friends out she you know doesn't see very well in the shower and she went in and like it hit her in the head and that was definitely a mortifying jury that thank God I was with my queer friends who understood you know the situation better but I thought she guys might endure that. Oh my God. I had a quarter for every time we got hit in the head with a dick and a show. I would have four cents.

Can we please please title this episode who left their dick in the show? It's so good. G.C. You were right. We did enjoy it up. I just want to say it was amazing. I didn't know that you could get a prosthetic penis or a dildo to stick on the shower wall. Well for sure we're googling that after this recording. Yeah, you definitely can. There's like, there's all kinds of structures,

right? But you just, but do you hook it on the wall? No, it's a suction cup situation. I see. I see. Oh my God. I just a thing. Remember something. Oh my God. Okay. Do you remember having one back when we when I was doing a speech in Kansas City? And there was so many people in the audience and it was at a church. Oh, yes, I know what you're going to say. And I was in the middle of an impassioned plea. I was trying to get everybody galvanized and fired up.

And so I was trying to say what we all do is we continue to put our fists in the air or something. I don't remember this. But you're well in a minute. But what I said to the entire what we do is we continue fisting. Oh yeah. And then I launched my fist into the air. We continue fisting. And the entire crowd went silent. It was in a church too. In a church.

And then burst into tears, laughing, and the most embarrassing part was, I had no idea what they were laughing at. I didn't know what fisting was, because I was so new. Do you remember that? Yeah. Okay, sorry, carry on.

How about Jocelyn? Hey, my name is Jocelyn, Do you remember that? Yeah. Okay, sorry. Carry on. How about Jocelyn? Hey, my name is Jocelyn and I'm just responding to the podcast. Literally, um, small girl coming out with my mom and aunt from Czechy Chee. When we get into the car, we're all ready to go. My mom is having trouble getting the car started and my aunt Fran, Godlover, is eating peanuts off the dashboard. And we go, I can't remember these peanuts being here. I'm not my mom and my aunt. They have now put

all of the children in the wrong car. Everybody starts screaming. I can get out of the car really quickly. And all your stories today brought that story back to me. And I just remember my hands, and I remember these peanuts on the dashboard. Oh, you know what? I really appreciate Aunt Friend. I love someone who sees a bunch of peanuts on a dashboard and is like, yum, peanuts on the dashboard.

And we caniting them. And then later it says, I don't remember these peanuts on the dashboard or else I would have eaten them on the way to Chuck E. Cheese. Do you remember when mom was following Grandma, Grandma Alice in the car and she pulled up and they were trying to get into a parking lot. And you know how the parking lots have those like rails when you get close enough they open,

but you can't like, oh yeah, yeah, so like their entrance is the arms go up, right? The arms go down, right? Yeah. So my grandma saw the sign on the rails that said pull up, pull up. And so my mom found my grandma. Her car was parked in front of the rails and she was standing trying to pull up the gate. Pull up the rails. She was pulling the arm up because she thought that's what it meant. Yeah, and then you had to pull it up and then it would be, yes, that's right. Pull up to poor grandma in her car.

Remember how she would drive, like she lived in the same town for 50 years, okay? To go to four places, to church, to the mall, to the bowling alley and to the golf course. Right. Notice there was no grocery store in there. No, please see aforementioned Polone and tomatoes, but she would go church mall golf course bowling alley.

So one day she has to go to the mall and we're getting in the car and she gets like, the mall's probably 25 minutes away. We get like 10 minutes on the road and she's like, damn it. I made the wrong turn. So she turns around and drives all the way back to the house and then she pulls in and she pulls out again and we're like, Crama, what? And she's like, oh, I only know how to get from the house to the mall.

But make a wrong turn. I have to go back to the house and start over. Do you understand how much I just, I feel so seen by that story so much. It just feels genetic. Okay, so how about let's hear from Hannah. This is Hannah, so I was in high school at the time and I was at a Mexican restaurant and you know how you don't really want to be the person that's like, sluttering a word that's not in English.

You know, you like try to be a little respectful, you know, give it your best effort. And so I was like, really, you're not to be like, I'm going to say this Spanish word. I'm going to try. And so when the waiter came, I said, I would like a taco plato. And then he said, do you mean a taco plate? And that's because I realized that it wasn't in Spanish. It was just plate. And plato isn't correct either.

So I had to say, yes, a taco plate. But at this point, my brother, my sister, had heard and we're just dying. And it was just mortifying. Um, and I mean, I probably thought about this for like once a week for the last 15 years. Yeah, a taco plot day. Of course, for everyone, you walked into the department store in Florida and very fancy said to the lady behind the desk, we're looking for the brand from a the you have any change from a and she pointed very fancily said to the lady behind the desk. We're looking for the brand Frame.

Do you have any change from Frame? And she pointed and she goes, do you mean Frame? She's like, yeah, that's exactly what I mean. Frame. Let's hear from Singh. Hi, friends. My name is Singh.

This is a story about I was a teenager. I grew up in Denver, Colorado. I don't know, about 15 of my closest friends that I all went to Red Rock, 50 of concert. It was amazing and shirts are off and the sun is out and my friend is sitting in front of me and he I can tell has one of the most satisfying backpills from a funburn you have ever seen. I can't help myself. And eventually an impulse comes to me and I reach over and I grab it and I remember it was from his left shoulder and I started, I think I only have one hand on the point, but the most satisfying sheet of skin came off in my hand.

And then my friend turned around. And it was not my friend. It was just from guy looking at the woman who pealed his back and the only thing that I could think of to tell him was, I'm sorry, I thought you were coming. Oh my god. Imagine like, and it was not my friend peeling the skin off of someone's strangers back. And what is this? What is this? Some people are so into this stuff with other people's bodies. Abby and I have a major,

I have to call marriage on it. Like she wants me to pop her zits. Oh my God, I can't believe we don't want to pop people's zits. It's irresistible. I know. I feel like everyone's I get on the back from her my sports broad yes, and it's sweaty.

No, and I get them and I can't reach no, and I'm like, I just need your help. And she's like, no, I call it. It's about it. It's a boundary for me. I say to her, I need you to help me. I need you to help me not be completely grossed out. All right. Let'll see you from Genie. Hello, lovelies. My name is Genie. I am a French teacher at an elementary school

here in Canada. And in my 50s, I seem to no longer be able to hold my feet very long. So I went into the bathroom and thought I had locked the door and was doing my business sitting on the toilet. When I heard the kindergarten coming through in the hallway, all 30 of them, and you know kindergarten touch everything, so they must have touched the little handle that's open and the door slowly opens. She's still so many toilet. And I can now, I'm in full view as it opens through all the kindergarten coming through a sitting on the toilet. I

don't know what to do because I can't get up, close the door, and I decide I can just sit there and be kind and waste, so I wish should all be coming by ever so slowly as they all said, Bonjour Madame. Bonjour Madame. And the sweetest part is that these three and four year olds are so untainted that they did not think it a big deal whatsoever. It was just the teachers sitting on a toilet and the opportunity to say Bonjour. Oh, I love that she just thought so quickly it was like, well, out of all my options, my best run is just just waved to the children walking.

Because she stopped, she can't get up, but she's in the pee and it's impossible to stop midstream. That's so great. Because the kids don't even know yet that that's a big mortifying moment. Yeah. So great. You know, maybe she made peeing a little less

of a future mortifying moment. If anybody ever walks into me while I'm on the toilet for the rest of my life, I will just say, Bonjour Madame. Bonjour Madame. Bonjour Madame. Bonjour Madame. Bonjour Madame is our new prosthetic penis.

Yes, if Bonjour Madame may have a taco pl plating and who put a dick in the shower. And bonus, zah. So what I would like to say to the pod squad is thank you for spending this hour with us. Yeah. Don't forget this week before we meet again. That when things get hard, we can do hard things. Yes. See you next time.

And we want to do a holiday edition of embarrassing stories. Let's do that. So maybe embarrassing stories, maybe beautiful stories, your best holiday stories, send them. They can be also your worst holiday stories, but anything brutal, beautiful, rootful, as G-Burt says, or hilarious. Send it to us. Call us and tell us about it at 747-200-5307. That's seven. I'm excited about this. Oh, sorry, say the numbers again, say the boring numbers. Okay. 747-200-5307. Okay. So, you know how like really good holidays are good holiday, and then like really bad holidays are good story. It's like that. So just think of the moment that you have with your family that you remember the most can be because it's sucked or

can be because it's was beautiful and send them our way. We're just going to get through the holidays this year by sharing the stories that make us pin our pants a little bit and feel less alone. Well, everything makes me pee. Everything's what we feel like. Yeah. Um, just call and sneeze and that'll make me feel like that. Um, also please try to get it in, um, about under two minutes so that we can actually play it. We listened all of them, but we do only play the ones that are 35 minutes long. You all, you just call us and then you just leave the phone on all evening. You just talk to us for hours. It's our favorite to listen to those those voicemails.

It's our favorite, but for these two minutes, please, two minutes, please. Okay. We love you. Pod Squad. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlyle.

I walked through a fire I came out the other side. I chased as I er I made sure I got one's mind And I continue to believe That I'm the one for me And because I'm mine, I walk the line Cause we're adventurous and heartbreak So man, a final destination And the cloud, they've stopped asking directions

Some places they've never been We've got our way back home, and through the joy and pain that our lives bring We can do a heartache I hit rock bottom It felt like a brand new star I'm not the problem sometimes things fall apart And I continue to believe You too believe the best people are free And it took some time but I'm finally fine Cause we're adventurers in heartbreak measureers and heart breaks on matter A final destination with that They stopped asking directions So places they've never been

And to be loved we need to be known We'll finally find a way back home And through the joy and pain That our lives spring We can do a heartache This world finished her rose and heart breaks on land. And the sun shines on the ground And the sun shines on the ground And the sun shines on the ground And the sun shines on the ground And the sun shines on the ground

And the sun shines on the ground And the sun shines on the ground We'll be loved, we need to be long We'll finally find our way back home Through the joy and pain That our lives bring We can do hard things Yeah, we can do hard things. We can do hard things, is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey, or wherever

you get your podcasts, especially be sure to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts. Especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't, don't worry about it. It's fine. you