We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - Our Most Embarrassing Stories

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

1. Glennon, Abby, and Amanda share the most mortifying moments of their lives. 2. Pod Squaders’ hilarious voicemail confessions, which had Glennon, Abby, and Amanda cry-laughing in solidarity.  3. Our new go-to strategy when humiliated (it involves prosthetic penises). 4. We test our hypothesis that sharing our most embarrassing experiences makes us feel less alone. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Whether you're doing a dance to your favorite artist in the office parking lot, or being guided into Warrior I in the break room before your shift, whether you're running on your Peloton tread at your mom's house while she watches the baby, or counting your breaths on the subway. Peloton is for all of us, wherever we are whenever we need it, download the free Peloton app today. Peloton app available through free tier, or pay subscription starting at 12.99 per month. And it took some time, but I'm finally fine. Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things, which is our social experiment.

It's a human experiment. And our hypothesis here is that we can make life for ourselves and you just a teeny smidge easier by talking about hard things. So that's what we are really trying to do here. Okay, we are actually trying to ease your burden by talking about the burdens and things. We're not trying to make your life harder. So if we have been, send us a little note. But today we have a real experiment to do, We have a real experiment to do, which is so exciting and fun. We had Jenny Lawson on, brilliant, hilarious, Jenny Lawson recently. It was our 100th episode.

Go back and listen to it. And she talks and writes so much about the power of humiliations, the power of sharing our mortifying moments with the goal of connecting us further and making life funnier and more universal. And it's so funny and clearly we could use some LOLs at the moment, but also it made me think of the Bernay Brown episode where she was talking about how she talks about all of the horrible things she thinks to her kids, because she thinks that normalization is the antidote to shame. And it's so interesting because our mortifying stories often make us feel ashamed,

but sharing our mortifying stories normalizes that and is the cure to shame. Right. Exactly. So, so that's what we're going to do. That's our experiment. We asked a long time ago for the pod squad to send us their most embarrassing, mortifying stories. What you need to know pod squad is that Abby and sister and Allison, and Dina and I have been listening to these stories yesterday. We could not, we weren't recording, we weren't doing, all we were doing was listening to your stories one at a time, peeing.

Like peeing. I haven't laughed, you know that kind of laugh that just like makes you feel like you're a kid again. And just like, you actually are not, who needs a juice cleanse when you could just laugh like that? Exactly. It's a cleanse. It's a cleanse.

I do think that laughing hard can be just as much of a cleanse as crying hard. It's a kind of what I figured out yesterday. So we're hoping our experiment is, we're gonna tell some of our mortifying stories. We're gonna hear from the pod squats, mortifying stories, and we wanna see, if at the end of this hour, you feel a little bit

more connected, a little bit more joyful, and a little bit less sucky. Okay, just a little less sucky. Yeah. What we're going for. It's a little bar, people. Yeah. Okay.

So who wants to start? Who wants to share their embarrassing stories? First, sister? Why don't you go? I like how I was, I was volent-told. Okay. So I have one that just happened a couple months ago because it's hard to narrow down my embarrassing stories, so I'm just going to go sequentially. I have one that just happened a couple months ago because it's hard to narrow down my embarrassing story,

so I'm just going to go sequentially. The most recent one was I was on a call with our accountant. And what we need to know about her for purposes of this is that she and her little doggie are thick as thieves. Like he has airline statuses, definitely cared for better than my children. So we're on this zoom meeting. It was when I was in the process of adopting our dog, Shamus, from this rescue group, that rescue golden retrievers. And so we were in the process of applying to rescue him. but he wasn't actually shameless. He had a different name. And she's so excited because she loves the dogs, and so she says, what's his name? And I, for no ascertainable reason, proceed to go into a diatribe in which I said,

I promise you the things I said were, don't judge us. This is not going to be his name. We would never choose this name. It's the most pretentious name I have ever heard. I'm mortified by it. It's dripping with waspiness. I am allergic to this name. So don't judge me when I tell you.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Okay. Ha ha ha. She says, well, what's the name? I say, jeeps. At which point she pulls the dog into the zoom screen and says, this is Jeeps. So that sucked. And so then I'm doing the thing where I am trying to dig myself out of the hole instead of just like not digging any right. And I if you can possibly believe it, I make it worse for all of us, including the jeeps is. And that is the story of why we're getting audited this year.

That's what John said when I told the story. He's like, why would you say any of that? Oh my God, she's your account. Like, that's the worst person you could have completely offended. Also, his name was Not Jeeps because you can't fool me through 150 times, and I am not saying it out loud again. I've been all y'all with the original name, are gonna call in and tell me.

I think you should. I think you should tell us the original name and because I actually, it'll bounce each other out because I love the original name. Same, I wanted a name. If I had another, if we ask you a dog, I might name it this and tell us what it was named. This is a bad idea.

It was Bentley. Oh, I was outed. You're not allowed to out people. This is the 90s. The dog thing was Bentley. And I think that's the cutest freaking name. And I know it's a fancy car. That was just why you hated it.

It was a fancy car, right? Yeah, it sounded like a frat boy who was like, I don't know. I think it's a fancy car that was just why you hated it because it was a fancy car, right? Yeah, it sounded like a frat boy who was like I think I want this is Bentley I want some Bentley car not even a dog That's me summers in Maine. That's true. This is Okay, so

I'll tell you I'm gonna tell you too quickly of mine. Okay. Okay So I taught third grade for a long time. It was the joy of my life. Okay. I still think I'm a teacher just like on a very strange hiatus where I talk into my phone. I'm waiting to get back to the classroom at some point.

But I taught at a school where barely any of my kids, my students had to English as their first language. So that's an important part of the story. A lot of them were very recent immigrants. We did a lot of communicating by body language, by a lot of things in the beginning. OK. I had this one kid.

I'm going to call him Oscar. OK. Call him Jeeps. Yeah, Jeeps. That's my college. OK. So his name is Oscar. He was, I were definitely not supposed to have favorites, but one of my all time favorite

kids. He had barely any English. So Valentine's Day, he comes in, he walks up to my desk and he says, Miss D, present. And he's wrapped it with the construction paper from our classroom. So it's all like smushed up. And so what you need to know real quick about Oscar is that he had an older brother who I loved so much. There was only a few years younger than me.

He was gang involved, had some stuff going on, but you would take such good care of Oscar and like bring him to school. Oscar was always stealing shit from his brother. So I opened this construction paper present and it's this very thick gold chain, like a rope gold chain, like heavy heavy heavy gold chain. It has this huge medallion on it. And the medallion says, And the medallion says, number one, sex machine. Number one, sex machine. Okay, now he asked, I'm looking at this gold chain. Oscar is looking at me with the most sweet, I mean, just precious, like she's going to

love this. She probably loves gold, the more gold, the better. He doesn't know what the hell this thing says, right? It's gonna be better. She loves letters. She loves all these letters. She likes numbers. She likes letters.

Right. So then Oscar says, are you gonna wear it? You're gonna wear it, right, Misty? You bet your number one sex machine ass. I'm gonna wear it. Exactly. Nobody looks at us, guys, and says, no, I'm not wearing this.

So I did walk from my classroom down to PE, and then to the cafeteria with my teacher dress on, my little ducklings behind me, Oscar Proud as shit, with a gold chain that says number one sex machine through an elementary school. Okay. and I was just like, I dare you, you just look away. Just look away. Thank you. It was true.

And the irony of number one sex machine being my gift. That's what we should have called silent sex screen sex. Exactly. And I was like, I'm like, I'm like, I dare you. You just, just look away. Just look away. Thank you. I knew it was true. But in the irony of number one sex machine being my gift, that's what we should have called silent sex squid.

Exactly. Exactly. Oh my god, I just thought of another one. OK, what? So when I was working at the law firm, there was this huge case that came up and there were like boxes and boxes of documents that we had review for the court case and it was too sensitive to even send by a

courier. So they sent me over to the client's office to pick up these many, many boxes of documents. It was like a really big deal. I was like, oh, I'm being trusted with this very, you know, confidential, important thing. It was only like a really big deal. I was like, oh, I'm being trusted with this very, you know, confidential, important thing. It was only like a mile away from my office. So I get in my car, I drive over to the client's office, walk in, meet the general counsel. He's very nervous about all of these things that are happening.

I'm like, don't worry, you're in great hands. We're gonna take care of you. I have this huge dolly. Like one of those not like hand dollies, but the big life flat has two sides, dollies. And I have to take all these very sensitive documents and stack them on the big dolly. There's like 15 bankers boxes worth of documents. I have to take the elevator back down to the parking lot.

I'm like, rest assured, you're in the best hands possible. You can trust us. Okay. And I down to the parking lot, I'm like, rest assured, you're in the best hands possible, you can trust us. Okay. And I get to the parking lot and I'm like, I can't find my car, that's odd. So I'm just, I'm like, I'll go look for my car, but I can't leave the dolly and eat it. Right.

It's very important. So I'm rolling this giant dolly and eat it. Right. It's very important. So I'm rolling this giant dolly through the parking lot and I can't find my fucking car. It's not there. And I have to go all through the five levels of the parking lot to look for my car with this giant ass dolly. I am seeing people like over and over again as I go up the dolly down with the dolly up with the dolly.

I did this, I am not joking you for two hours. Oh, no. Two hours with the dolly. I was just about to cry. Because I'm like, I don't know what to do. I can't leave. But I can't stay. And I can't very well go back upstairs

to the general counsel of this client that I've just told he's in very good hands and say, I can't find my car, but don't worry, I have an acute legal mind. So, after a while, I was just like, I'm screwed, there's nothing I can do. I can't call my law firm and say, thanks for trusting me with this case.

Can you come help me find my car? That's right. So, dude, where's my car? I just keep doing it. I just keep going up and down and up and down and up and down. Oh, see. Three hours later. I'm not joking.

The elevator comes down to the garage. Who steps off the elevator? The general counts off the elevator. No, no. She stepped off the elevator. And I am going home for the day. She's going home for the day. I am standing with the dog that he has left me

with three hours prior with no explanation. I said, how and why does he, this would possibly be the case. Oh no. And I just had to make some shit up. Like, yeah, I just gotta do some legal things here with you. What happened?

It's for a minute. I had to wait till everyone left. I had to wait till everyone left. For what? Is that her car? I can't find my car. See, this do we till everyone left. For what? Is that her car? So I can find my car! See, what is the only car left? I don't, there's no explanation for it. It doesn't make any sense, but I swear to God that thing happened.

It was horrible. I'm sweating. I'm Jonathan M. Hevar. I'm a podcast producer and someone who likes fancy things. But I grew up working class. My parents were immigrants with factory jobs. And because of that, I think about class a lot. And I want to talk about it.

That's what we're doing on my new podcast, Classy. And what did you all eat? You know, trailer food. I was like, Girl, we're not doing that anymore. You'll hear from people who told me awkward, embarrassing, and strangely intimate things about what class means to them. She said, you know, for the house cleaner, I hide the tag on the $6 bread. And I just thought, don't you think she knows that you're wealthy? You're hiding the tags from yourself. Classy.

A new podcast from Pineapple Street Studios. Available now, wherever you get your podcasts. wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when I called Craig when I was married to Craig and I called him at work from the mall and told him we had to call the police because my car had been stolen and he did call the police and I was standing in the very place, the very small part of the parking lot, where my car should have been, except that I had just driven the other car. That was amazing.

Y'all are the smartest dumb people. I know. That is an accident. I know we can do hard things, but we cannot do easy things. Yeah. Oh, and one time I went to the hospital to the urgent care, because Bobby had this situation that was urgent care worthy. Right. And I

go into the line and they're trying to check me in. And they're like, you know, your kids name or kids birthday, all the things to look them up. I give them all the information. They're like, he's not in our system. I'm like, yes, he is in your system He was born here like two years ago Check your system this child was born in this hospital and they're taking so long and they're saying he's not in here And now I'm getting pissed right because this is the urgent part of urgent care Like we need to get in there. Not just care Right

Your general convenience. I'm looking for. So there's this whole line behind me. I'm like getting very upset, like get your shit in a pile of people. The people behind me are like, yeah, this is, I mean, why isn't he in the system if he was born here? And I'm like, yeah. So I'm getting a little vocal and they keep looking, they keep looking. Anyway, they finally find him and I'm like, well, thank you.

At which point they announced to me and the whole line because obviously they're very annoyed too, that that is not in fact my son's birthday. Oh my god. And that is why they couldn't find him because they didn't know his birthday. Wrong info. That's so embarrassing. It is embarrassing. It is embarrassing.

I have a doctor story. So one time when Chase was a baby, he was teeny tiny, he started to get this wild rash on his face. And every once in a while actually beyond his hands too and it was like orange, like this orange rash and it would go away and come back, go away and come back. And I was very concerned about it. And so I finally could not figure out what it was. So I took him to the doctor.

So I'm in the doctor's office, and I'm standing there with the baby. I'm showing him, he's examining the orange face. I'm like, what could this be? Doctor's kind of looking at me straight and whatever. The doctor leaves, the doctor comes back and he looks very kind of embarrassed, you know? And I'm like, what's, oh God, what's happening? And he looks at Chase's face and then he looks at me.

And he says, I just, I want to ask you a question. Do you, it looks like from your appearance that it's possible that you might go to a tanning salon. Do you buy any chance? Break. Tandy, use that spray tan and I'm just like, it's not, I'm not computing. I'm like, why? And the fuck is this guy judging me from going to your business doc and be focused on the kid? I have a young baby. I'm doing whatever it takes.

All right, whatever it takes to survive is what I'm doing. And the spray tanning is the least of my problems if you must know the truth. So he goes, because the spray comes off. Like the orange on your skin, I was breastfeeding chase. I was dying my child's face from my boob with spray tan.

I know what he was doing when he left the room. He had to go talk to the other nurses and be like, she's infected her child with spray tan orange. He's like, you know that orange chick that just walked in? Yeah, you're not going to believe this shit. She's like, you know, see that fluorescent orange that's around your kid's mouth? Have you noticed that it's the same

you have fluorescent orange that you are? Right. So I left and I'm like, so Craig, here's the deal. Our kid's just gonna be orange for a while. Right. Because I'm not ready to stop. Right. So, but we don't have to worry about it.

Well, this is a good segue, because this is kind of like we're now easing into body functions, body parts of mortified stories. And we're going to hear I think a few of them and voicemails from pod squatters. But mine happened when I was about 14 years old. I got off the bus. Oh God, she's gonna do it. And I didn't like to go number two at school, like many of us don't. We gotta be in the comfort of our own home. We got our one specific toilet in the house

that we like to go to. And at 14 years old, I was just assuming it was gonna be like any old day, but this day, for some reason, my bowels got moving faster than normal. And so as I was walking home from the bus stop, I lived on a cul-de-sac, and it was maybe a couple hundred yards walk to my house.

I thought, well, I really gotta go, and I can't run because I gotta go so bad. So, that's the catch 22 of the number two. Yeah, I can't run because I got to go so bad. So that's the catch 22 number two. I can't run 20. So I gotta go. And so what ends up happening long story short is I shit my pants. I shit like full on shit in my undies. But it wasn't like dire die shit.

It was like big poop. Oh my god. They're getting so specific. And so I go better. That's better. Yeah, I go back, I waddle into the house and try to get upstairs as fast as possible. And I go into my bathroom and I get the poo

in the toilet, I flush it, but that doesn't like clean up the whole problem. Right. And I didn't feel like I was just gonna throw it away. And so the more to find part of the story, that was not it. It's not even shit in my pants. I don't care about that. It's that I threw my poopy And I need undies into the wicker trash basket. In your bedroom. In my bedroom. Not even the bathroom. And so my cousin who was living with us at the time, who was living in my bedroom, we had two little beds in there.

She calls me out on it when she gets home because my room smells like actual poo. Because it's a wicker basket. There's not even a plastic liner in it. You put it, you just put it in an open air situation. You're like, that should do it. I'm going, she goes, Abby, I have a question for you. And I think to this day we still have never talked about it.

Abby, I have a question for you. Did you poop in your underwear and then you throw them out in the wicker basket? And I was like, no. Two-year-great. I was like, no. Take it to the grave. I don't know what it is. She's like, but they're your underwear.

I know what your underwear looks like. I'm like, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you. This is a case for the FBI. Abby's finally admitting it was her underwear. I put it in my pants. I couldn't make it back. Okay, it's happened all the time.

I know, and you know when you get closer, the urge gets worse. It happens the worst. It does. Let you have not pooped your pants for the first time. Do you remember sister when you, I'm just, I'm having so many mortifying flashes right now. It's just all coming back to me. It's all coming back to me now. Do you remember when you, I'm just, I'm having so many mortifying flashes right now. It's just all coming back to me.

It's all coming back to me now. Do you remember when you were driving home from high school? Yes. And in the Crescita, in the Crescita that we used to start with a screwdriver? That none of my friends' parents would let them drive in because they had sense. Because it was a death trap.

Yes, yes, it was. because they had sense. And it was like a death trap. Yes, yes, it was. But remember when you just got stuck in traffic and you just... No, I was just a traffic. You just sat in the front seat and just peed? Like peed.

I just did the whole thing. I just fell on. I just fell on peed. What? Well, I was driving home and I did the calculus. I was driving home from school. Uh huh. And there was just zero chance that I was going to make it home. Right.

In time. It was just and so I just I just peed. But quick, just full. I'm quick, full. Yes. Did you think you could just pull off the road real quick? No, here's the problem. Here's the problem that made so the high school got out, right? Yeah.

And it was one route out of the high school. Right. Everyone's leaving on the same road. There's no way around the situation. It was like high schoolers in front of me, high schoolers behind me. There's not like a inconspicuous place to stop. Like I thought about it. I'm like, I could pull over and freeze.

Like no gas station or anything? No, no, no, no, no, no, and like getting to a gas station was beyond the pale. I only lived half a mile from the high school. I couldn't even wait. She putt. I putt. I putt. And her like the amount of pee that goes in the toilet is what went in the

crecid. Not just like a dribble. And then the weirdest part is that you're looking, so it's like a mullet where it's like business in the front party and you're like, half of my body look normal. I'm like waving to people like, hi, I have a great night, see you tomorrow.

But the other half of me is just gushed pissing all over my car. And I'm like, how weird that nothing people know I'm pissing myself right now. What did your parents say? Did you tell Bubba and Tisha? I remember telling me. We probably didn't even know. No, I'm sure I didn't.

I just, and also, it's not like the crest, it could be damaged. I probably just let it air out and got back down. That was like the clearest part. Oh my gosh. All right, I'm going to tell my pee story and maybe even my poo story. You have a poo story? You have a poo story? Can you start with that? No. Okay. So they all have to do with my one long term ex-boyfriend. We're going to call him Joe. Okay. The first time I had a- It's called Jeeps. Okay. First time I was very drunk. Also all of the other times for seven years.

Every time, including the first. Yeah, super drunk. Okay, and so it was in college. I slept over at his house for the first time. And so I woke up at like 11 or something. And Jeeps was not in bed anymore. And the reason that Jeeps was not in bed is because I had pissed, like it was like I was on a water bed.

Like I was in the water. It was like you were in the press of that. Yeah, it was like I was in the press of that. I had peed everywhere. And then I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. And I was still kind of drunk. And so I real quick just gathered up all of the sheets

and the blankets from the bed. And I just stole all of them. I just walked from his house all the way to my dorm. So it was like the middle of the day, and I was walking through with like my heels and my black leather pants and like a shit ton of sheets. Yellow sheets. Yeah.

Sheets, because you know after I had a drinkin' that shit's not hydrated. So it's like neon yellow. There had just never been a walk of shame that was more shameful, you know? Yeah, just picturing you in your tube top, where everyone's going out for brunch and he's carrying a comforter. Yeah, a comforter and she eats and then his whole fraternity called me puddles for like an entire year.

Right, fully so. Right, fully so. If you piss in the bed, I'd call you puddles. Yeah. Okay, and then just I'm gonna tell the poo story just so I feel like this is I'm it feels just for a little background though. I don't and never have farted in front of Glenin before. No. No.

Yes. Yes. Because she wants to keep some things a mystery. And that's one of them. The mystery that maybe your person who doesn't fart. Look, you mean the lie?

She wants to keep the lie? Okay. She wants to stay attracted to me because she sees as a farder, I think that she deems us less attractive. So we don't talk about poop stories or fart stories. We don't talk about fart. No, you know. You guys, I have issues with body stuff, like bodily things.

Oh, yeah. It's so odd. I know, but isn't this... Sister, what do you have to say about women who have issues with body stuff? Oh, Abby, I'm so glad you asked. Okay, let's do our little five minutes of feminist. Whoa. Whoa.

And then we're gonna get to Glendale. It's woohoo, it's woohoo. It's woohoo. Let's go, let's go. You feminist kill joy. Okay, okay. So here's the deal. Mortification.

Uh huh. Original term is the Latin word, meaning to put to death. Wow. This is literally mortal. Yes, mortal exactly. Still in medical terms, mortification refers to the death of one part of your body while another part is still alive. So it's necrosis, right? Where it like, maybe your hand, but maybe necrosis. She says it like that's an every day word that will all know

so and this is the reason why When you have a mortifying situation you feel like part of you has died Yes, I am dead because this happened. I am now dead and I actually regret the fact that the rest of me is still alive I have to keep living in this untenable situation that I have been. Yeah. Continue. But in Christianity, mortification, it's a whole Christian tenant that is the mortification of sins and the flesh. Right? I stay with me. I'm getting. Okay. Okay. Okay. So it's this concept of sins and the flesh. Stay with me, I'm getting it. Okay, okay. So it's this concept of self-denial.

You put to death the deeds of the body in you to repent for your sins. So that self-denial, the discipline, it's the fasting, it's the abstinence from sex. It's even in its most extreme form, the self-flagelation, whipping yourself. Oh, yeah, wearing hair shirts, says to wear hair shirts to punish the cells. Exactly.

This is all mortification of the flesh. Okay, and that sounds absolutely insane. Right. But, how is that different from what we do, especially as women, I'm looking at you, Glenin, when there are natural deeds of the body, like the farting and the pooping and the peeing, all 100% natural of the flesh. For some reason, we deny, self-denial, that they're a part of life. And when they show up, we proceed to self-flagelate for being so evil as to let our bodies do what they do. Oh my God, that's why everyone's most embarrassing stories are about like pooping or periods

or farting or peeing and they're all just totally natural. So farting and pooping and the discussion of that is an actual act of feminism. This is what you're saying, sister. I am saying that the body does what the body does, and if you have shame around the body or self-denial, like, for example, that your partner farts, then it's possible that you are trying to put to death what the body does, which how is that any different from the self denial? I feel like people are going to be so mad at me about this one. I think they're going to be really mad at me for not letting you

fart. I don't need you to be on Abby's side about it. I know. I know. I know. I'm working on being less mortified about having a body. That's what my whole eating shit is. It's not about a shape of a body. It's about having a body. I'm mortified at these things we live inside of. I would have, I would have designed them better. Okay, go on with your poop story. It's not about them being better, without you being okay with them. I know. I know I know All right, but I'm just saying why with all the farting and the pooping okay. Why not I'm saying why not so I'm away

Why not I'm away with Jeeps Years later. I was hoping so bad that this is a story that I was involved in no and I've never told you the story She hasn't pooped, then she met you, Abby. But I want you to know that I don't want to talk about the story after the podcast. I don't want you to bring it up again. I don't want it to be part of our familial canon.

Okay. I just want to tell it one time. And then I want to see the cone of pod poof foundries. Right. It's just a three of us and several million people. Right. That's where a three of us and several million people. Right. That's where I'm most come girl. Okay. So I'm on vacation with Jeves's family. Jeves's family is very fancy. I am in a hotel room. We have all different hotel rooms. Jeves and I

have our own hotel room. I have never admitted to pooping to jeeps. This is not something that he knows that I do. Okay. Also to know jeeps is very gross. Jeeps had no problem pooping. Anyway. Anyway. I had to poop. Okay.

So. Which is hard for you on trips. Yeah. Super hard. So. Which is hard for you on trips. Yeah, super hard. So I go into the bathroom and I poop. I'm like, come out.

And I sit down on the couch. And then jeeps, it's a very small hotel room. Jeeps' whole family comes in because we're all going out to dinner together. So there's like seven people in this room. Jeeps' mom, Jeeps's dad, Jeeps all his little brothers and sisters. He's got this teenage brother.

His teenage brother walks into the bathroom. We're about all dressed up, ready to go. His little brother busts open the bathroom and goes, oh my God, who took this humongous shit? Left a floater fucking forgot to flush the goddamn toilet and jeeps looks at me and jeeps is not the type to take one for the team okay that

is not jeeps jeeps looks at me with an the most joy I've ever seen on on his face because he wants to to look at it. No, because he's so excited that this has happened to me. Yeah. Right? He delights in your mortification and he just goes, it was her! She's shit!

She's shit! And then all of the family just stared at me and I know I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I know I'm sweating just staring at me and I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating so much. I had no idea how to, I didn't say any words. I just stared at everyone. There was no ending to this moment.

No. And truly 80% of me died. And the 20% shell of me had to leave that room and go to dinner with those people. Maybe this is what the real issue stems from. This is the trauma. The poop trauma. She did it.

She did it. So did you flush the toilet? How did it go down? What happened? I don't know, baby. I don't know. I just I went. Shred.

Blacked out after that. Yeah. I just. Good job on taking a big shit. Thanks. Come pick her. Good job. Good job. Good job. Good job on taking a big shit. Thanks. Go pick a go home.

Wow. Yeah, I'm excited. Good job. Good job. Through that story and that time of my life. Good job. Through that story and that time of my life. Good job.

Through that story and that time of my life. Good job. Good job. Good job on taking a big shit. Thanks. Go pick a go home. Wow. Yeah, I'm excited. Good job. Through that story and that time of my life. Good job. Do you guys want to hear some, um, yes, let's do some voice mails. Okay, let's do it.

Hello, I'm calling Sarah of mortifying embarrassing story. When I was 19, I had an internship at the Met Opera Gold in Manhattan and I went out with a co-worker. I've never really trained before and got really, really drunk. And she put me on a subway train to send me home at about 3am. And I was the only one on the train and I was sitting there just concentrating. So I didn't miss my stop.

There was one of those ad posters in the train right across to me. And I was reading it and I was like, that's my stop. This is the first one of those ad posters in the train right across to me, and I was reading it, and it was a picture of a woman in like a sweater looking for one out of window. And the text said, I'm one on this train, has Lisa. And I read it, and I looked around. And I was the only one on the train, and I decided that it was me.

I was going on here, but not being that hot with us. And I was so concerned that I called my roommate at the time and his mom and some folks that I worked with and looked messages on office phones, letting everyone know that I had Lupa. Yeah. That obviously did not, but good time. Thank you.

Someone on this train has looped. She went to a ring and said, you know what I'm saying? She said, oh my god, it's me. She called her friends. And it said her coworkers. She called her coworkers at 2 a.m.'t left them voice mails that she had. That the train just informed her and I've no soul with loopers.

I'm trying to die. I can't stand it. Oh my God, I love her so much. Oh God. And my soul. And I love her. I was just concentrating. So I did this.

My stop. I relate to that part too. Oh God, yes. I just tell my self. I just tell that part too. Oh God. Yes. I just know what my face is much as a person who can't concentrate because they're messed up. Oh my God. Okay. That was amazing. I'm cheering for Michaela. Oh, that was good. My name is Michaela. I was dating a man who was in the army. He brought me to an army ball and there is a segment of this ball where everyone stands up and raises a glass and the commissioner of the ball. They stand up there and they

say a bunch of toasts and you have dedicated responses in your program to these toasts. So for example, the commissioner might dare to propose a toast to the USA and everyone says to the USA and then there might be one that says, I propose a toast to field our artillery and everyone says the king of battle. So, there's all these responses and they're written in your program. So, I'm standing, I'm holding my glass, I am running through these responses. That in a thousand, feeling so confident, loving this, feeling like a part of something so cool, supporting our armed forces and loving it.

We get to the last toast, and the commissioner says, a toast to our fallen Tom Rat, and I screen out moment of silence because I was reading the responses in the program. I've probably 1,300 people in this ballroom looked at me with such disgust and disfain because not only had I just suspected all of our fallen comrades, I was truly just an idiot reading out the words moment of silence so proudly, so proud of myself for going to be so

so well. And so that moment haunts me to this day. Oh my God. And I love you all. Oh my God. I love you more, Michaela. Oh my God. I'm so excited. That's something I would have done.

I agree with that. I would have done that. Yes. I'm very like, I would love the order of it all. Reading. I've got a goal. I've got a job. There's one more response.

And I would have also said, begins now. Momma of science begins now. That's good. That was really good. Can you, it's not good. It would not have covered. I mean, is it better?

I mean, is it better? I mean, is it better? I mean, is it better? I mean, is it better? I mean, is it better? That was your job to announce the moment of silence? Yeah, or at least acknowledge, silly. The random ladies dressed up at Table 38. That's her job. I know what I think, so. Moment of silence. Moment of silence. Yeah, or at least acknowledge the silly. The random ladies dressed up at table 38, that's her job.

I know. Moment of silence. Moment of silence. Can we just imagine that 1500 people turning and looking at this woman who was just screamed at the top of her lungs moment of silence. Oh God. I don't know why, but I would have, I would have paid a lot of money to see that. Me too.

To see that in real life, I would have to. I would have paid a lot of money to see something like that. I love seeing other people in their mortifying moments for some reason. Is there like some science behind that? No, I think it's gratitude. I love when people like add these moments like that

to like rigid things when like humanity and humor and absurdity get inserted accidentally into rigid situations. Yeah, like when people fall, okay. When people fall down in the airport, I just cannot love it more. Obviously, no injuries. Right. That was the whole basis of that. Remember America's funniest home video?

Oh, yes. That we used to watch every night and Remember America's funniest home video? Oh, yeah, yeah. That we used to watch every night. And it was just random people getting kicked in the balls. Yes. The entire show. That was totally right. That was the whole basis of that. Do you remember, okay, I'm just remembering, do you remember when I walked around for months

in that padded bra that said, it was like a sports bra that was padded, but it had a sticker on it that said padded bra. And I just walked around it forever. And then I was just remembering, remember when I moved to that new neighborhood in Virginia, and they were having a potluck, and we got a little inner, a little inner, what not an interview. An invitation, right? I don't get a lot of them.

You have more interviews than you have invitation. Exactly. So it's an invitation. Right, I don't get a lot of them. You have more interviews than you have invitation. Exactly. So it was an invitation. And it said bring a dish. And so I had never been to a fucking potluck before. And so I brought a dish. OK? A dish.

An empty dish. What did the host say? Well, I do remember vividly the host's face because I was like, what's wrong with this person? Like, what? She doesn't like my dish. She doesn't like my dish. Maybe I was supposed to bring a certain kind of dish.

I don't know. But I just, that was a moment in like, you know, just say what you mean people. If you want a dish with food on it, say it. If you want a dish, it feels like one plain thing, but I just have a question. Let's just get to the root of What did you think was gonna happen with your dish? Well, I thought somebody else was gonna put food on it So you were just bringing Like plates? Yes to a serving tray like a serving dish

I thought maybe my job was to bring the dishes and someone else was going to bring the food. I did my part. That's why I didn't put a lot of invitations. Oh god. Okay, let's hear from our next pod squatter. Hey y'all, love the podcast, love, love, love it. My name is Allison. Seriously, the most impressive embarrassing moment in my life just happened on products. I had lunch with a friend from high school. And we had just finished eating and I leaned forward kind of just to lean into the conversation. And I thought I started, but no, I sat in my pants sitting right there my 55 year old self Not just like regular poo, but diarrhea

Yeah, and I'm sitting there and I'm like what the fuck am I gonna do? What's the fuck? So I just leaned in I said to my friend. I just pooped in my pants Like I just pooped in my pants and I don't know if I can get up. So, I got up and like, soaked for the bathroom quickly. And of course, there was a line. And I got in there and shirt up. There was. I threw my underwear away in the trash can.

And you can see proof on the back of my pants. I'm like, no, what the fuck? So I like pulling my shirt down, I go back to the table, I'm like, girl, I gotta go. I just left. She paced my lunch. I just freaking left. I have a long purse covered my ass and just like,

done out of there. I've never done that in my life. I've almost pooped in my pants, but never like this. I hope that the trash can was not wicker. All right, let's hear from Anne. Hi, this is Anne from Minnesota, and I am calling to tell you one of my most mortifying moments. This is years ago and I went to the movies with my boyfriend and it was a really intense movie. But I was really excited to see him. I was really excited to see him. I was really excited to see him. I was really excited to see him. I was really excited to see him. I was really excited to see him. This is Anne from Minnesota and I am calling to tell you one of my most mortifying moments.

This was years ago and I went to the movies with my boyfriend and it was a really intense movie but I was dying for popcorn. So I was sitting on the end of the row and I knocked out and got my popcorn and came back in and got in my seat and kind of cuddled up and was looking at the movie and I started to feed him some popcorn and play football season just catch up on the plot and then all of a sudden I noticed that my boyfriend was sitting three or four rows ahead of me. Oh my god. Oh my god. Like some random guy who was all of a sudden more interested in me than the movie. So I was so mortified I just dropped the popcorn.

It's up to the movie theater. Didn't work out with that guy, but boy, it's a fun story just later. Go. Oh, oh. Okay, that reminds me, the wrong dude just reminded me of something that I'm gonna admit right now. Okay.

So during my drinking days, I was out at night with a bunch of friends and I decided to take a cab to my boyfriend's house. So I had the cab, I told the cab driver my boyfriend's address, I got delivered to the door, but when the door opened I realized that I had gone to the wrong boyfriend's house. This was my old boyfriend. I was like. Like a year before. And I had forgotten that I wasn't dating him anymore. I had forgotten I had a whole new boyfriend. Okay.

And then do you know another worst part at the most mortifying part? You stay there, didn't you? I just fucking stayed there. Oh, what? I just stayed there. I was like, You slept with the old one?

Oh my. I was like, well, you know, I wanna make this awkward. I'm just gonna, I can't hear it for a minute. I came here for a reason. He looks happy to see me. Well, let's just do this. And I need a bed. I just need to go to bed.

So yeah, I slept with him that night. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So like the popcorn story, but just like much sadder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the difference is you saw it with the wrong boyfriend and you're like, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Yeah, yeah.

Oh my gosh. Okay. I didn't know when she was putting popcorn into the mouth of her boyfriend that it was in fact a spray. I know. I got sober. Okay. It's fine. It's all the evidence of. Um, jeeps was delighted. Okay, let's go with um, Andrea. Andrea. This is Andrea. I was in a public stall, my door written lock. And so, you know, how

it's doing, the balancing act of trying to hold the door closed and go to the bathroom. Um, you know, you can't hold the whole time. Before I knew it, another woman had come in to my stall, not even seeing that I was there and pulled her pants out and sat on me. No! It was mortified. I don't know who it was more embarrassing for me or her, but yeah. I mean, I can only imagine a little bit.

A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit.

A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. You just thought. Yeah, that's true. You're back in there. You're not gonna put it. But I would never walk into a stall without looking in the first. No, that is a truth. Maybe she was strong. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was me. I'm going to need Andrea, please, for the love of God. Can you call back in and give us the rest of that story?

Because what I need to know is when said naked woman who's sitting on top of you realizes that she is not sitting on a toilet but sitting on you. Yes. What happens next? Yes. I need to know more. How do you recover from that? Are you just like, oh, excuse me.

Sorry. And then she stands up and pulls up her pants and then leaves the restroom. I think a lot of mortifying moments end in no language. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not mortification is not something that can be explained. It needs to just die. It needs to be, you have to pretend that it never happened. Yeah, you do have to pretend.

That's right, right? It's just you don't explain it. That, I remember pre-COVID landing at an airport and getting into my Uber, putting my suitcase in the backseat, jumping into an Uber and saying thank you so much for picking me up, and the woman saying, I am not an Uber. I am waiting for my sister. You got into a I got into a random person's car, right? And then the best part is I was like, oh my God, I am so sorry, and started to get out of the car and she goes, that's okay Glenin.

Oh no, yes, she knew it was you. Oh my God. Yes, yes, yes, so good. Okay, let's hear from M. My name is M and I work in a workplace where we have security guards and I've worked there for many, many years. So these security guards know me really well. And a few years ago, I was leaving from work and going to the airport to visit a lover. And I had my suitcase with me and in my suitcase I had a strap on. Otherwise, sometimes referred to as a dildo. And I've put my suitcase through the metal detector and these guards that I know very well said,

ma'am, can you tell us what this is and they pointed right to the strap on. And I held my shoulders back and in a very calm voice, I said, yeah, that is a prosthetic penis. And I took my suitcase and I walked very calmly to the elevator where I melted into a puddle of laughing and crying and embarrassing. So that is my favorite strap on story. Thank you. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

That means she has a lot of other strap on story. Oh my god. I love this straight in my back and said, yes, that is a prosthetic penis. Exactly. Okay, I have a little story that I need to tell. So I was traveling. Do you have a favorite strap on story? I don't have a favorite strap on story,

but this is a similar kind of story that I think might fall in the lines. I was traveling via plane. And so of course, you know, you have to go through metal detectors and security. And I was just doing carry-on. So I had a rolly carry-on bag. And this happened to be like kind of a small airport. So they actually went through the whole bag. Right. And I didn't anticipate this. And I was bringing, I brought a vibrator with me on broad. Wherever it was that I was going.

I think I was actually in like Birmingham, Alabama. So the sweet older TSA agent, he starts going through my bag and finds my vibrator. So he pulls my vibrator out and says, what is this? And I said, it's a vibrator. And he said, what does it do? And I say, it vibrates.

It's so he turned it on and it starts vibrating and his coworker walks over and catches this moment happening and he's like, oh my God, I am so sorry. Oh my God, turn that off. Put that back, you know. And I'm not the kind of person that gets embarrassed about stuff like this. Pro vibrations. True. Yes, you have high vibrations, high infrequent.

But I was mortified in some ways for this older gentleman. For me to walk away and then him to get told what it was. On the upside, he now knows that vibrators exist and his life has gotten better. So, I bet security people see a lot. Yeah, but can you have a brand new way to shift? Yeah, a lot of Oh, brand of a weird shit. Yeah, a lot of mortifying moments in that line. All right, we have some writings. Great.

We have to. Okay. All right, top 10 of the writings that you all sent in. Yes. I once tried to flirt with a boy at work and accidentally concussed him. Ooh. My mom caught me practicing kissing

with an abacronbee and fit shopping bags. What? Talking on the phone while asking target employees to help me find my lost phone. Yes. I'm a 37 year old woman and I shit in my car in a takeout container at a red light last week. Yes. So good.

Opened my Mac in front of my date, and it was a how to have lesbian sex YouTube videos. Yeah. A male coworker came upon me while I was masturbating in a work vehicle. Oh, that's hard day. Oh, that's hard day. I pooped my pants during a job interview.

I didn't get the job. I saluted my boss's bosses after they observed me. I am not in the military. Until college, I thought a brothel was a potluck. I learned when I offered toast, a brothel. I was having sex for the first time and he pulled a piece of toilet paper out of my butt. Oh, my bugs.

Oh, all right. I want to say this. I feel two things. I feel that for me, the experiment has worked. I feel closer to everybody. Every single woman who has shared their stories here. What about this woman? Yes, to you also.

What about can we fart now? I think we should talk about it another time. Okay, I just want to open the farting floodgates. What about can we fart now? I think we should talk about it another time. Okay, I just want to open the farting floodgates and then if not now when, if not who you. Okay, I do want to suggest one thing for our next right thing. Fart. I feel strongly about M's response when the guards asked her what her strap-on was. Her whole response, the squaring of her shoulders, the looking those men in the eye, the saying,

yes, that is a prosthetic penis. And so I think we were just talking about how there's a silence after every mortifying moment. And I think it could be a forever kind of mocking, jayous, bat signal for the pod squad that whenever we get to the end of a mortifying moment, we'd just say in that moment no matter what it's about, well, yes, that is a prosthetic penis. That's good. So just start saying that. If it's a mortifying moment,

do you know what I mean? I think that's how we get out of it. That's the language we have now that we didn't have before. Well, thank God. Yeah. We've got it. I think it's just can't wait to do it now. I know, right? Are you almost hoping to be mortified? So you can say it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you are now part of the mortification club. Also, I seriously, we haven't talked about this, but I think we should keep collecting these stories over time. Where something mortifying happens, you please call it in. I think we should do one of these shows every six months. It's just good for the soul.

Well, it's fun for us too. We've laughed so much over the last couple of days. And I think for us, we needed this. Like, fuck, this world, like we needed this big time. Yeah, we need to laugh. And I do want to say, let's just start with one fart and see how it goes. Can I do it now? No! So here we go. We're ending the show. We love you forever. And we'll see you here next time. And I'm working on my shit. I don't want anyone to be mad at me or write me mean letters. I know that it's not right. And I'm working on my shit. I don't want anyone to be mad at me or write me mean letters. I know that it's not right. And I'm working on it.

I'm just M when I am. Okay. I love you. God bless you. Why yes, it is a prosthetic penis. Send us your mortifying story. It's part of the revolution of normalization. It is seven for seven two hundred five three oh seven. That's mortification at 747-2005307. It vibrates.

And don't send us your actual prosthetic penis. We already have some. That is just a general term we are using for mortification. Love you, Fomine! Bye! for mortification. Love you, Fumine! Bye! I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlyle. I chased as I er I made sure I got once mine And I continue to believe that I'm the one for me And because I'm mine, I walk the line Cause we're adventurers in heartbreak

So man, a final destination And man, we've stopped asking directions Some places they've never been And to be loved we need to be known We'll finally find our way back home And through the joy and pain That our lives bring We can do a heartache

I hid rock bottom It felt like a brand new star I'm finally fine. Cause we're adventurous and heartbreak so mad A final destination will end We stopped asking directions So places they've never been To be loved we need to be known But finally find a way back home And through the joy and pain That our lives bring

We can do a heartache. This world finishes in rose and heart breaks on land. We might get lost but we're only in that. Stop that skiing directions. Some places may have never been. To be loved we need to be loved, we need to be loved We'll finally find our way back home Through the joy and pain that our lives bring

We can do hard things. Yeah, we can do hard things. Yeah, we can do hard things. We can do hard things, is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts, especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't, don't worry about it.

It's fine. you