We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle - PSA: How to Not Be an A-hole

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

Today, Abby, Amanda, and Glennon learn new ways not to be assholes. In this follow up to Episode 191 Why Etiquette is B.S. & New Rules for Living, we share Pod Squad wisdom about ways we can all make the world a less annoying place.  Join us as we learn how to deepen our conversations with people by not saying the first thing we think of, spreading “tell me more” energy instead of “let me tell you about me” energy, and not asking “surface” questions that aren’t surface at all. Plus, we debate holding the door open for strangers, embracing bodily noises in public, and using “but” in apologies. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things, Pod Squad. We are super excited for this episode because we had so much fun with the first etiquette episode. We talked all about how to be a person who is not horrifically annoying among other people. And we talked about etiquette in episode 191 as not just a signal of superiority or manners, but a kind way of being among other people. And it went wild. Everybody loved this episode. So we asked

you, the pod squad, to send us your ideas about how to act and how not to act among people. And the responses were so good that we decided to create this episode giving you more ideas about how not to be annoying inadvertently. If you want to be annoying, inadvertently, you knock yourself out. Actually, you don't want to inadvertently offend people. Here you go. Yeah, I mean, either way, you should listen closely because there are some good ideas in this one if you want to be annoying. Yes. That's true. It's a win-win. Right. It's a win-win this one. And I just want to say again, we haven't obsessed with you. Like, the things you call in and say, the things you write in and say, always make us laugh, make us think, make us plan whole new episodes.

You all are just brilliant. Actually, let's just jump in. Let's hear from charity on etiquette, new etiquette, how to treat each other, what not to say, what to say, all the things. Let's hear from charity. Hi ladies, I'm just kidding. Matt ladies. Hi y'all.

I just listen to your etiquette pod. This is charity and I am calling to just agree with your etiquette about telling people they look like other people and I want to kind of double down and let you know some red hair etiquette. I have red hair and there's some etiquette that needs to be established relative to red hair. One, we don't look like every red-headed celebrity. I've been told I look like people like Nicole Kidman. Thank you, but I don't. All the way to like Ed Sheeran, thank you, but I don't. Number two, you don't need to touch our hair. You don't need to ask us where our hair came from. Our

hair came from our hair follicle, just like yours. And we get really, really tired of answering that question, especially when we're young children. And if you ask a young child that I have a red headed son as well, just don't be surprised if they say something terrible to you because there's those sick and tired of adults asking them stupid questions about where their hair has come from. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Charity. Charity is giving very little charity in the way of red-headed comments, and I'm here for it. That is good. That is good. All right. Here's an idea, y'all, in honor of charity,

and her long-suffering self and long-suffering red-headed son. What if, when we met a new person, we skipped over the first thing we thought of. Yeah, that's it, bump. Okay, seriously, like think about this. Think about if we met a very tall person, okay? It's no offense to anyone, of course it is. The first thing we're gonna think is, that person is very tall person, okay? It's no offense to anyone. Of course it is. The first thing we're going to think is that person is very tall. But what if we didn't say it? Why?

Because think about how many times that person throughout their entire tall life has heard you're so tall or some variation of how's the weather up there. Oh my god, you're so tall. I can feel, oh my god, you make me feel so short. Oh my god. What about the person with a sunburn? Somebody has a sunburn. Okay, it's pretty bad. You see the person, the first thing you're going to think is, a person as a sunburn. But what if you didn't say it? What if you waited for the second thing to come up? You would probably be within the 2% of human beings that interacts with out of the person. Because how many times that day has that person heard about their sunburn?

Whatever the singular characteristic that you're looking at, red hair, shortness, tallness, even beauty, whatever it is that you're seeing, skip over the first thing, wait for the second thing. What do we think? Okay, but I gotta follow up for that. What if it's a really, really tall red head sunburn person? Do you have to wait for the fourth thing? I think you do. You do have to wait for the fourth thing? I think you do.

You do. Don't say the obvious thing. The obvious thing is what that person has heard their entire life. And you actually think you're being creative. You think you're noticing something. Well, that person may be never notice that they have red hair and maybe no one else

has ever noticed it. Well, I just think that overall, what we're forgetting is there's impact on what we say good and bad, right? And kind of funneling some of these instant thoughts through nope. Not gonna do that. Too like oh gosh your energy feels so good today or something of the sort. You know, like anything that's objectifying them, you will not be the first person to do that ever. And this will be the hundredth millionth time they've heard it. And it's just, oh, they're over it.

Even things that are meant to be super complimentary, I just recently realized that Alice, until her very first haircut, she had down to her waist. People used to ask me if her hair was colored because she had this, like, her highlights were ridiculous. They were all natural. Of course, I was like, who the hell colors their five-year-olds hair? But I mean, if you do that, good on you.

And she had a ringlets of girls, just surely temple ringlets to her waist before her first haircut. And I realized she got so much daily feedback about her curls, because every single person came up to her and was like, your curls, oh my god, your curls are so beautiful. It's so beautiful. You're so cute. That when she got her haircut and her curls stopped existing, she talks all the time about how much she misses her curls. And it is not because she misses her curls, it's because she very quickly associated,

oh, people think I'm special because of my curls and that no longer exists in my life. So it is a loss that she has experienced already about her value relative to interactions with other people. And it's all because every single person approaching her said something about her appearance, whereas if we just made a rule to not say things about people's appearances, then they wouldn't have these ambiguous losses where they understand very quickly what the world is appreciating about them. I had that as a little kid. I was like this. My as a little child, I was what the world would

consider like a beautiful child. I had Alice's ringlets and that's what was people. That's what they say. Look at you. Oh my god. You're so beautiful, you see their face open up. And then you turn 11 and your hair is greasy and you have zits all over your face and the world starts to like contract away from you instead of move towards you and all the attention stops. And no one's ever said anything else to you about your insides.

So you assume you've lost all of your social capital, I guess. Currents, yeah. Yeah. That's so interesting. I think we should do a whole episode or just a separate thing on like what to say to children because as a former teacher, I have ideas. It's like the whole world only knows to say something about their appearance or to ask them what they want to be when they grow up.

I swear to God, these poor kids. What do you want to be when you grow up? We say to a four-year-old, knowing damn well, we don't know what we want to be when you grow up? We say to a four year old, knowing damn well, we don't know what we want to be when we grow up. It's so odd. Yeah, it is odd. Okay, Heather, let's hear from Heather. Thank you, charity.

Hi, this is Heather, the last podcast when you were talking about etiquette. All I can think about is when, let's say, I have a headache and I tell somebody, I have a headache and somebody else says, I've had a headache for like a week. Okay, don't do that. Just say, oh, I hate having headaches. All right, that's it.

Thanks. Bye. Don't want up my headache. My God. It's like Christian Wig. Remember when she played a panellope, a nessinelle, the one upper. I have that Thanksgiving soup kitchen, skit, where it was like,

the lady's like, my ancestors came on the Mayflower. My ancestors came on the April flower. It's just like constantly one uping. I'm thankful. I'm think five. I think I think you have to watch that one. That thankful. I'm thankful, I'm thankful. You have to watch that one, that one's so good. Yeah, the one upper thing, we're with, yeah.

But our goal is to connect, but what happens is we disconnect. It's like, oh yeah, I'm with you on that. But it's really like, especially when you're like, I've had one for the last week. Yeah, maybe keep the energy to like, the tell me more energy instead of the let me tell you about me energy. Yeah. In the moment, because there's a really weird thing that happens where you're trying to be like, Oh, I've been there. I connect with you. Like you're saying Abby, like

if someone's going through divorce and you're like, I also went through a divorce. It doesn't make you feel less alone because your particular experience is so ridiculously unique to you. Even if it ends up in five years, you can see the parallels. You can't see in that moment how anyone's experience can possibly relate to the intensity and intimacy of your experience. So like a spotlight that you've asked for a minute becomes like spread and you no longer feel seen because now we're looking at you. I used to be a one-uper. I honestly think

this was one of like the personality traits of mine that I've been like the most embarrassed about and I only actually realized it when I got a family and I was one-uping my own children. And I only actually realized it when I got a family and I was one uping my own children. And Glenn was like, so first of all, their kids, of course you have a different amazing story that you can tell, that overshadows their silly fifth grade story. And it would be like, Daddy's gonna take me to look for a new bike and I'd be like, I have a new car, so I have a new car, and the two cars. I gotta go and suck it. I have two gold medals. car cell. I have two cars. I have two gold medals. It was hard for me because it's a habit,

because it's an insecurity and a vulnerability and a moment and a communication moment. It's like, I don't know what to say. This is awkward. And so all I can do is reach into the pile and the storage that I have in my memory of what I can do and how this Venn diagram relates to me. That's what I think communication is, but it's actually disk communication. That's so smart. Do you think that also is like skipping over the obvious thing? It's almost like we have this knee-jerk reaction of what we're supposed to say,

but there's like a moment where we can just go and think a little bit harder, because when somebody says I have a headache, if you look at what they're saying underneath it, they wouldn't be saying that that out loud unless what they were really saying was, I just need to talk about my headache for a second. Right? I'm in pain. I'm in pain. I'm in pain. Right. Understand how I am in this moment and why I'm reacting this way. They're not like, has anyone here ever experienced the phenomenon of your head being? Yeah. That's not what they're asking.

Under that sentence, they're thinking, I need to talk about my headache for a minute. So I think that's awesome, that what you just said, like to think about what's next as opposed to my first connection to that. And it's usually just like this little awkward discontent, this like social anxiety, we all experience. Where we don't know what to say

and we're thinking of the best thing and we get it wrong a lot. And that's okay too, but I think you're right. Don't say the first thing. Deeper. Maybe it's not right or wrong. It's just like there's a deeper experience of this conversation.

There's a deeper way. I'm Jonathan M. Hevar. I'm a podcast producer and someone who likes fancy things. But I grew up working class. My parents were immigrants with factory jobs. And because of that, I think about class a lot. And I want to talk about it. That's what we're doing on my new podcast, Classy. And what did you all eat?

You know, trailer food. Shh. I was like, girl, we're not doing that anymore. You'll hear from people who told me awkward, embarrassing, and strangely intimate things about what class means to them. She said, you know, for the house cleaner, I hide the tag on the $6 bread. And I just thought, don't you think she knows that you're wealthy? You're hiding the tags from yourself.

Classy. A new podcast from Pineapple Street Studios. Available now, wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, how about Jody? Hi, my name is Jody, and I just listened to your podcast on etiquette B.F. I loved it. One of my biggest pet peeves as a single never married childless by choice mid 50s woman is the questions over the years about when are you getting married? Why aren't you married yet? Aren't you lonely?

And in my mind the whole time I'm fitting the words fuck off. It's just don't assume that people are single because just don't ask. It's none of your business. I am happy in my life and be happy in yours. This token and prodding, it makes me retreat into myself and not wanna go out. Abby, Amanda, Glen and I love you. Thank you so much.

Keep on keeping on. Jody, everything that you just said, Jody, and how you said it. Yes, thank you for your honesty. That is exactly right. That is exactly right. It's so strange when you think about like the rates of divorce and misery with marriage, we really should be saying, when people say they're married, we really should be saying when people say they're married, we really should be saying, why did you get married? Tell us more about that. Have you thought that through? Do you think at some point you're going to be lonely? Do you think at some point you're

going to regret this decision because you can't go back once you're married, you can't go back? Or when people say they're married, we should say, so have you thought about divorce? What are you going to get divorced?, what are you gonna get divorced? What are you gonna get divorced? How do you know you're really happy? Yeah. How do you? Yeah.

It's a good idea. And also, similar to this, it's the people with one child. I hear from them that they're constantly being asked, why don't you have another one? You're just gonna have an only child, do you think that's good for them? It's just, it's a wild what we think is our business.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like a projection vomit. It's a projection. It's a projection. It's just like all of my fears, I've got to somehow give you an avenue where you won't make mistakes around what my fears are. And I think one of the beauties

of having these conversations is not to be shaming. We could actually make people more comfortable being out and about, make people feel more accepted by having these conversations because people who are saying, are you married or you have kids, blah, blah, blah. It's not horrible, they're not trying to be,

they're trying to connect and be loving. So no shame, just like let's consider that those questions might be doing more harm than good. For some people, do you have kids, do you like think about all the things that go into that in terms of maybe people who want kids but can't have them or have kids but don't want them or lost or like just it's so loaded. We think it's a surface question and it's not. It's a question to the deepest recesses of people's hearts

and lives and desires and maybe those questions, the ones we think are surface are actually the conversations we only go into with the people with whom we've already earned deep trust. Yeah, we think of them as throwaway questions, but that's easy. I'm not asking them anything personal. Are you married or not?

But that's actually deeply personal. Let's think of some alternatives. If you just met someone, you could say, tell me about yourself. Mm-hmm. What are you into? Mm-hmm. What makes you happy?

What are you going through? Abby always says, how do you spend your days? What's your favorite day? She will say this on like a Zoom call with a person we just met that's a business call. Like instead of saying, what do you do? What's your work? She'll be like, what's your best day like? What do you like to just spend your time? Yeah, I think that we don't have. Yeah, I don't think we have enough like conversation, neutral questions. And then I also think something's really important is we've all done it. We've all breached a line that you can see it on the face of the person that you've crossed the line.

Yeah. And I think that we don't take care of what transgression we've just made instantly because guess what you can save the conversation by saying, oh my gosh, totally crossed a line, totally cross the boundary, my bad, totally not my business. And onward, you don't make the other person reassure you. Yeah. Our kids have taught us that with misgendering. So the most open-minded, inclusive people have been using

genders and assuming genders for a very long time. So even if you are wanting to be completely inclusive, you can have been using genders and assuming genders for a very long time. So even if you are wanting to be completely inclusive, you can misgender somebody or use the wrong pronoun. What you don't do, we've learned, is make a big deal out of it so that the other person who's just suffered the misgendering or the wrong pronoun now has to make you feel better because you're effusively apologizing.

So if we use the wrong pronoun or whatever our children have taught us, we say, oops, sorry, fix it and onward. Yep. Continue with the sentence so that they don't have to deal with cleaning up the mess. That's good. Okay. Next question. Let's hear it. Hi, the clinic sister. Something with etiquette that I think will never go out of style would

be holding the door open for someone. To me, that's just bottom line, me and her team etiquette combined. And I hope that everyone keeps pulling that door open for others. You guys are the best and the sister. Love you. Oh, she gave me a little special shout out there. Oh, she's a sister fan. I love it. I have something to say about this.

I can't wait to hear it love. So I'm a door open holder, but what do you do? This is a question to you too. What do you do when you're stuck? That happens to me all the time. And your family's now indoors, right? Walking forward ahead. And you've got 10 or 15 more people to let you in.

Is there an etiquette to just like open it, hold it for a few and then like hold it open as if you're in the door for the next person to take over? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's the baton, the passing of the sun. Yeah, yeah. So where you can kind of like hold it open for the people behind you, then you follow them

through the door, holding it open and giving a little smile to the person who's next in line who's gonna be holding it open and giving a little smile to the person who's next in line who's gonna be holding it open and then doing the same. I don't think you have to be like trapped there for 10 minutes. Because you got it? That does happen.

Yeah, you got it? You got it? You got it? Yeah, I feel like the door opening is one of the phenomenon that proves to me over and over again that I am not that good of a person. Okay? Because here's the story of my life. I am a door holder opener. Okay. I am gonna be there. I am like this is my moment. I'm shining. Yeah. It's not too hard. It's like not because I don't

want to do hard. Abby wants to save the lives of everyone who's walking by. She wants to stop a day. Strong ROI, CPR, do people's oil, she's like super woman. I want to hold the door. That's like the limit. They feel good about yourself for the rest of the day. That's the limit of your... I want to return my gross record and I want to hold the door.

And honestly, not too long. Okay. You want to hold the door for one patron. Yeah, most that's good. Yeah. So I'm like, I'm a good person. So I'm gonna hold this door. Then the person does not say thank you. So that is a, but what I want you to understand is that I go from is or what I want you to understand is that I go from good Samaritan to homicidal hate in like two seconds, which is proof to me. It's just a little glenon experiment to myself. Just a little

I am not doing it to be nice, clearly. Because I wish that person not well when they don't say thank you. I do not wish that person well. I do not think, well, I did the right thing and to each her own. I think to you horrible things. And sometimes I will say, you're welcome and start a confrontation.

Start a confrontation. You've seen this, right, babe? It's embarrassing. Yeah. It's actually embarrassing. I agree. You're trying to do a good thing. Like, good Samaritan by its definition

is to not require something in return. So what you're doing is you're creating an environment where this is a give and take. Yeah, oh, exactly. I'm only doing it to get thanked. So, and the person didn't ask for it either. So it's kind of like a walk up to a person. Yes, it's like I walk up to a person on the street,

I hand them a gift that they didn't ask for. And then they look at me confusedly and then I punch them in the face. You know, I think what's happening here, You know, I think what's happening here. Gutton, is that the kryptonite for us is a sense of entitlement. Okay. And so when someone walks through the door

that we've held open, which we are very clearly counting the cost to. Yeah. You know. Then it's like, oh, you think I was just born to open this door for you? You think the whole world should just be open and doors for you. That's right. You think I don't have anything better to do? Yes.

I can be looking at my phone right now, but I'm open this door for you. Yes. It's like that sensibility because we're very hyper-ridulent and aware, so we would notice every single thing. Noticing. So that feels like they have done the calculus and they have decided, you know what, I'm walking through the story, see your open to net and I am electing to withhold my gratitude.

That's right, and they're likely not, right? They're likely just very likely not. They're likely just missed it. Well, also they didn't ask for it. They didn't ask for it. They didn't ask for it. You're taking a chance, but requiring a response. It's ridiculous. Okay.

I'm just totally understand. I mean, I am trying to unleash vigilante door holding justice all day. And, and I, it's not good. That's what I'm saying. Can you just not hold the door open for people? Probably not, I like problem sols. I think I'll just keep doing it this way.

It's a nice little reminder of connectedness with the world when we hold doors open and people hold doors open for us. I'm always like, oh my God, it is you. And at least you got to hand handed me a homemade pie or something. Yeah, the amount that I sprint towards somebody who's opening the holding door for me. I'm like, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, hold.

I know. And then the people who you're holding the door and they just saunter, they saunter, they just walk so slow. That's like when you stop and they go to let someone pass. And then they walk. Yes, leisurely. And you want to hit them. Across the street. And I want to run them over on then they walk. Yes, leisurely. And you want to get up.

Across the street. And I want to run them over on my car. Same as the door thing. It's not nice. But once in a while, the universe just provides the correct shaming for me. So what will happen is I hold the door. The person walks through.

They don't turn around and say, thank you. I say, you're welcome or whatever. And then the person turns around and says, oh my god, I'm so sorry, I didn't see. And then, I'm like, yeah, it's horrific. All right, let's hear from Elena. Hi, Glennan and Abby and sister. My name's Elena and I have a question about the etiquette episode I just listened to. Okay, so me and my partner have this constant disagreement.

I burp very loudly. I am a loud burper. I often do not know when they're coming, and by the time they're here, it's too late for me to stop. My partner thinks this is bullshit. He thinks that I know it's coming and I can stop it. He also thinks it's extremely rude to burp out loud in public or in gatherings. I think it's normal and I do not feel ashamed about this. I actually

kind of like this part of myself and think it's fun. But when I do work in front of our friend, I get a look of horror from my partner. So I just wanna know who is right. Can I keep working wildly and embrace it or is this rude and nasty? Thanks, love to hear your guys' opinions. Love you all, bye. I can't wait to get into this.

I just have such respect for Elena. I know, what a badass. Oh my God, I don't Elena. It's from a different planet than I'm from and I like that planet. Mm-hmm, no you don't. I do, I have crazy respect for this. You have respect for it, but you don't live it.

No, I don't live it. That's why I just said I'm from a different planet. I'm from a different planet. Everything's a late. I don't think all of it might be from China or Taiwan because in those countries burping, in the context of a meal is the highest form of flattery because it means like, look, this was delicious.

I'm having a gastronomical reaction. That's amazing. The gastronomical reaction is so interesting. What's happening in our family? Our daughter, if Abby's eating and she's making enjoyable noises to the food, like, our daughter cannot stand it. She thinks it's gross, she thinks it's like sexual sounding. Well, it is sensual. She's that right. It's that's where that comes from. Yeah. And she's like, I think she's like like me. But she's like, can you just say this is good?

Can you use your brain? You're making your body come by. These are just scus. It's unreal. I mean, I just have to say, first of all, Alina, I love your lack of shame around this. And I think it's important. And I do think that there's a part of you.

It might be small, but I do think there's a part of you that likes the fact that this bothers your partner. Truly. Oh, that's interesting. Do you like the fact that the bodily noises bother me? Honey, I don't make bodily voices because they bother you. I don't even do a looming threat of bodily noises bothers Yeah, I was actually been a bodyguard for sneezing. Okay, I like I'm so sorry. Well, that's because they it scares me so much Here we go, and then when I burp, I'm like, oh, everything's quiet. And then it's so loud. And everyone in my family, like drops to the ground.

I want to give the pad squad, and I'm just doing this in the moment. But I would like to give the pad squad the gift in honor of Elena. I want you to tell the story, Mary Abigail, of what happened in our home three nights ago. Okay, so I was brushing my teeth and, you know, we pee with the door open, no big deal. And we have the unwritten rule in our marriage that we don't do farting in front of each other. Because of me, because I'm ashamed of farting and I don't fart and. Bullshit. You don't fart?

You don't fart. That's what you're going with. Listen to the story. Listen to the story. Doyle, unlike the rest of you all, doesn't fart. Listen to the story. There she is on the toilet going potty and I'm brushing my teeth and we're chit chatting about something looking at each other in each other's eyes

She's brushing her teeth looking at me pee on the and she lets a fart out accidentally It's an accidental fart because he should have seen her face like there was so much And it was like a big one. It was like a hot squad my favorite moment ever I was looking into my wife's eyes, peeing and farting. And did you give her a wink? And I couldn't stop, but we couldn't unlock eyes. Yeah. And there was this moment where you thought, did she hear that?

Yeah, did she? Did she? I could see if she was gonna try to wait a while. All to that reality you live in when you do something like that where you're like, there was a scenario in which the person didn't hear that or like didn't smell that. Let's just stay the course.

Let's just stay the course. And I just started screaming. No, she goes, no. No, no. No. And then she wiped from her pee and stood up and ran away. No, nothing.

We're never talking about that again. No, it didn't, nothing happened. And I was like, oh my god. Forbue, is that the first time that you have farted in front of her? Well, she farts in her sleep all the time. You know, we're going, we're going, we're going, well, stop it.

I only offered permission for this small slice of story. She farted. Well, I do think Elena's question is a very good one. Because we're experiencing this in my family right now, which is that my daughter is a tooting machine. Okay. She far more than anyone I've ever met. And she has no shame about it. And so she'll fart at the dinner table, just walking around in front of friends in her classroom.

Wow. And I don't know how to like, I don't wanna set her up for like a disaster of a situation, but I also don't wanna like, breed in her that there's something shameful when it's her body's natural thing. Yeah, you don't want it end up like me. I think that, um,

exactly. It's the last damn thing I want to know. Here's what I've learned over the last seven years because I used to be just like Alice. And now having had some time to think about that life. I realize there's some error in that way. It's like considering what you say to somebody else, it's like you have to consider the impact and nobody wants to smell

somebody else's fart. And so for me, what I do is I go on a little bit of a walk after dinner. I walk down to our bedroom and I will fart on my own in my own time in my own way. And then I walk back upstairs because I realized that it is upsetting when other people produce horrible smell around me. I don't like that. That's not fair to the community space. So like maybe explain that to her. And then also giving her an option of what to do instead of just by the grace of your butthole just let loose whenever it's ready. Like you can actually hold your farts in

and hold the gas in and go find a different better place to do it. Well, okay, that's good. For Elena, all I wanna say to Elena is I don't have any advice for you. I just think you're really cool that despite the opposition and resistance to your burping, you not only continue it, but you maintain

that you have a right. And in fact, you said, I really like this about myself. And what I like about you, Elena, is that you are not a conformist. Exactly. And you are in touch with your body and you're like, my body does this and it's gonna do it.

So what I think is that you've already decided for yourself that you're okay with your partner not loving every single thing that you do and still trusting that they love you. And I think it's cool. I say, Elena. Elena is a think it's cool. I say Keena. Elena is a bit of a revolution. I like Elena.

There's something there. I also like their partner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's go to Dera. Hi, my name is Dera. I would like good manners to include that you cannot follow, I'm sorry with the word, but. That's right.

Because I'm sorry, but means you're about to tell me either why. I shouldn't be upset or why was actually my fault. I'm sorry is a complete sentence, period. And it means I really wish that I hadn't done that and I'm going to try as hard as I can to never do it again. And if you can't say both of those things, then don't tell me you're sorry. If you are going to say sorry,

it has to mean something. And if it doesn't, then just don't say it. And that's okay. Maybe we need a boundary. Maybe we need to move on with our lives separately. That's fine. But mean it if you're gonna say it. Mm-hmm.

That's good. I mean. It's a good one. Why are you shaking? Like you're so excited about this one. Because it takes you like for each tries to get your apology correct. Yeah.

Because I can actually see that you're not sorry. Right. That's the thing. You want the transgression to be done over with, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, you just want this to be over rather than getting in touch with how much it hurt me. Yeah. It's a vulnerability. It's vulnerability. Yeah. Because I'm actually really good at it with everyone except for you and sister. Why the fuck is that? That is so weird. That I love the most, that I cannot handle it. I don't know. Because you're trying to explain yourself, because you need to be understood from the place you're coming from, because when you really hurt people that you love, you want to express how thoughtful you were in your interaction and why the intention from which it was coming

was to try to get closer or was to try to be understood to begin with. So you don't want to say as if all of it was a mistake. You're trying to explain where you were trying to go when you went awry. Yeah. And so I think that that's where the intention comes from. But I really like this. If you can't say, I really wish I hadn't done that. And I'm going to try as hard as I can to never do it again.

Then maybe that's not, I'm sorry. Cause there's some things that I do that are hurtful to people and I'm actually not going to try to not do it again. Yeah, because I'm sorry, I'm sorry what that means, is I have sorrow. I have sorrow about having hurt you. And I think what happens when we do the butt thing is that we haven't gotten to the point or we actually feel sorrow for the thing.

So maybe unless we get to the point where we actually feel sorrow in ourselves because we see how that thing hurt someone. It's something else. It's not, I'm sorry. Maybe it's a need for further discussion. I could see a world in which I would, if I still don't understand, because I think it partly comes from that. You know you've hurt someone, but you don't understand the disconnect

between where you were coming from and where the other person's sadness or offense bumped up with that. And so part of it for me is like, sometimes the other person's offense and upset can become so big that it totally eclipses where you were coming from, which might be a legitimate place to begin with.

So maybe it starts with, it makes me so deeply sad that I have upset you so much. I can see how upset you are. The last thing I ever wanna do is upset you. Can we please sit down and talk about how we got here? Mm-hmm. And then you can say,

what my intention was was this, I see that my impact was this. And it's different, it's just a different way than saying, I'm sorry. Because what does I'm sorry mean if you don't actually understand what happened? Yes, but I think right before this moment, because I can speak for myself here. And when Glennons trying to apologize. There is a lack of belief, so it seems, that I am entitled to my sorrow because there is a lack of acceptance and accountability for whatever transgression has happened. So I think that there is a little disconnect. And I believe that your right sister there is like this conversation that can happen in between the I'm sorry and also the like who's right or wrong with it. But I do think that in a lot of

relationships it's the person who is unwilling to accept any kind of responsibility or accountability for the thing because I think half the time you don't think you've done anything wrong. I think that one of my many tragic flaws is desperately seeking to be understood. And so I think that it leads to some good things in my life and it leads to some major bad things because I think in those moments I'm thinking, she just doesn't understand what I was doing then. If only I could explain it better

what I was doing, I would magically evaporate all of this hurt. Because I would never. Because she'd be like, oh wait, that's what you were doing, cool then. That's what I actually think is gonna happen every time, even though that's never happened at one time. Yeah, yeah. I always, because I'm just explaining it better happen every time, even though that's never happened. At one time. Yeah.

I always, because I'm just explaining it better. No, but it's not just smartness. It's because at my core, with you and sister, with lots of people, I'm like, I fucked up. But with YouTube, I'm like, no, if they knew where it was coming from because I love them so much, because I blah, blah, blah, blah, so it's just a lack of explanation, which then is so minimizing to you all, because I like really probably am blah, blah, so it's just a lack of explanation, which then is so minimizing to you all because I like really probably am scared to death to be like, oh my god, I actually fucked up because then I'm like, I'm a bad person. That's right. That's where you go to. But I think

it's a deeper level than that. I think you're terrified in your deepest relationships that the other person doesn't understand to you. It's like, wait, we have this huge golf where you're over here feeling sad about what happened to you. So that means that you're completely missing everything that's happening to me over here. So we're supposed to make it magically erased by me saying, I'm sorry, but then I still have this whole gulf that is not understood and is never gonna be addressed because that's what got us here to begin with. Yes.

It's like what Dr. Ornog Gromick said. Managing otherness is what is probably one of the biggest disconnects. Mm-hmm. And I do have a commitment to like only saying the truth. And when I'm like trying to apologize and I don't feel super sorry, it looks ridiculous. I can't do it and it looks disrespectful and it looks like what it is,

which is not real. It feels like out of integrity, like a little patronizing. Oh, here's the part where I pretend to be sorry about this horse shit that I'm not really sorry about. Yeah, I feel that way sometimes. And that's why I think what Dara is saying is like, that's cool. Then don't use the words I'm sorry and then follow it up with all the reasons you're not sorry. Exactly. Just say something different than.

Yeah, I'm with you, you. It could be as simple as like we need to sit down and like gain and understanding of where each other is coming from because you're so upset and I never want to make you upset and I don't understand how we got here. Well, that is something that I say but we get to the point and I say okay, I just I just need to think about this. And and that's what I really mean. I got to figure out how we got to this place. What did I say? What did I do wrong?

I just have to think about it. But Abby's like, why do you have to think about it? Like, my feelings are hurt. Like just be so mean. And that's a control thing though for you. Like, you don't have to think about it so you can make sense to of it. So you can come back to her and explain it to her.

Why was that? It makes sense to her. You just have to sit down and be like, I'm baffled. Yeah. Help me understand where you're coming from. I know. And if you're willing to hear me out, I'll tell you where I'm coming from. But like, you don't go away and figure it out and then come back and inform Abby of what happened. That's right. It's also like a vulnerability. It's full. I think at the end of it, like that's what you're afraid of is to be like, oh no, I'm, I did something that made you feel a certain way. That wasn't ideal.

Okay, let's go to Rey. Hi, this is Rey. I'm just calling with another etiquette idea. And it whoever has the middle seat on the airplane gets the enra. I'm not sure why this isn't more widely accepted, but it should be. Thank you. What are all of your top plain things or just everybody give us a plain etiquette role?

So if any kind of device is being activated, you must have headphones. Yes. Yes. And as someone who's obsessed with children, love the children, always love children first, even if it's a child, especially if it's a child. Do not have the child.

Because the child, they listen to, is a dollar. Do not have your child watching the iPad on SpongeBob SquarePants or whatever it is these days. It's inexcusable. Yeah, you need the headphones. Just do that, please. Headphones, headphones. There are circumstances because, you know, if you've got two armrests, most people don't

necessarily sit with two arms on the whole of the armrests. They are just using them for their elbows. And so you can actually ask the person like, can I pop up here if need be, but I agree, the middle seat does get access to both armrests. Yeah. but I agree the middle seat does get access to both armrests. Yeah, and also in our dear friend Chelsea Handler has dedicated most of her life to raising the awareness of this PSA, which is just pleased let's not do no socks and no shoes. Yeah, that's gross. Is Elena allowed to burp on the plane or no?

Oh, me Elena. Elena is allowed to do no shoes. Oh, me Elena. Also, I think the baggage claim would work better. For example, if we didn't, we don't actually have to be in contact with the perimeter of the baggage claim to claim our bags. In fact, if we all just took a little step back and then approached the baggage claim when our bag was present, then we wouldn't have to all be elbowing the shit out of each other to see our bags. We could do that. Take back a little bit. Those bags aren't going anywhere without you. Let's end with Michelle. Hi, my name is Michelle. So I was listening to to the etiquette podcast and I had a huge huge fit piece.

My youngest daughter has Down syndrome. And when I tell people or introduce the fact that she has Down syndrome, people have the audacity to say, oh, I'm sorry. Like, there's something wrong with her. Like she has cancer or something. She doesn't. She has an extra chromosome. And it's fucking amazing.

And there's absolutely nothing to be sorry about. It is the hardest, most amazing thing I have ever done as a parent. My other speakers are typical. They have a typical amount of chromosomes. She does not. She has an extra one. There's absolutely nothing to be sorry about. That's all I have to say about that.

Thank you. You guys are amazing. Bye. I don't think there needs to be anything said about that. I think that's all there is to say about that. Mm-hmm. Damn right, Michelle. We love all of you. I think we should do this every once in a while.

I also want to ask the Pod Squad because of the treasure trove of etiquette tips. I want to do an episode soon about the best advice and the worst advice we've ever received or heard conventional advice that's out there. We're going to do that soon. And we want to hear from you, POD Squad. What is the best advice and what is the worst advice you've ever received? Call us at 747-200-5307 or email us at whatever our email addresses. Hold on. You all are the absolute best.

It's WC DHT at pod. Nope, nope, nope, it's not that. It's W, it's capital, it's capital. No, it doesn't need to be capital. Okay, it's capital or lowercase, WC DHT pod at gmail.com. You did it. I did, I nailed it.

Okay. So email us or call us and don't forget y'all. We love the 20 minute voicemails and especially the ones where you talk and then hang up and then call us back and then keep talking and then I got to go back. But if you want us to use it, just try to smush it a little bit. Okay. A lot. One minute or so or shorter. OK, we love you Pod Squad.

Let's all be kind and brave humans among other kind and brave humans this week. And we will see you back here next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us.

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