We Hate Movies - Episode 384 - Van Helsing (CLIP)

Episode Date: October 19, 2018

On this month's full-length, Patrons-only episode, the gang is tackling one of the most requested titles in Spooktacular, no, show history: Van Helsing! Why did we need to see Van Helsing chasing—OOPS! This episode is for Patreon subscribers only! To access the full-length show, head on over to our Patreon page and subscribe today! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

So in Paris, we should mention also, now we cut to color. Oh, right. So that's, you know, pretty cool. Just a short year, six months later, or whatever it is, all of a sudden the world found color. Joan Allen was masturbating in a bathtub. I think what happened is... And color was born. Color was invented in France.

And it hadn't gotten to Transylvania. Romania, Romania. Yeah, whatever, yet. Right. But by the time, Hugh Jackman brings it with him. That's why everyone sees him. They're like, what the fuck? Who the hell is this guy?

And why is everything in color now? Something's not going well. That's what you missed from that prologue, that wonderful prologue is Jeff Daniels painting the outside of the windmill at the middle of the night. So, yeah, we're like running through... Did they hang Jeff Daniels in that movie? You should have.

As a sorcerer? They're acting like he's Frankenstein. This monster. Yeah, they put him in jail, which is where he belongs. I haven't seen that movie since, like, 98. It's not very good. I'm sick of people telling me that that's a good movie. It kind of sucks.

I'm sorry. So, yeah, we're running through Paris. He's chasing Mr. High. And it's a weird, like, you see his, like, boots first, and he stumbles across, like, a huge cigar just, like, standing in the street. And, like, the first shot of Hugh Jackman's face in this movie is him, like, smelling a disgusting Parisian sidewalk used cigar. It's all wet and gross. Where did he get? Is Mr. Hyde roll in these or what?

No, those have to be custom-made, dude, because they have to be for his big, huge monster hands. As I think they are, and I can tell you, because I did a stupid thing last night. Oh, monster blonde. I watched the... Another stupid about that, friend. The Matrix-esque animated prologue to this movie. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're not talking about the Animatrix.

You're talking about the Animatrix for Van Helsing. Yes. I didn't know this exists. Now I'm remembering that this is the thing. It's called the London assignment. It's all about Van Helsing with the Dr. High or Jackal, Dr. Jackal. Yeah, Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde didn't go to medical.

I dropped out one year to my residency. The numerous things, there's quite a lot there that's garbage. But number one is David Wendom has to cross-dress in it, and it's quite the big joke. Oh, that's funny. Is it everyone's doing their voices? Hugh Jackman was involved? Hugh Jackman does his voice. That's a fucking contractual stipulation if you ever saw one.

What is the runtime? 32 minutes. Wow. That's a bit much. So tack that onto this. It is better on the whole than this. So that's like two hours and 43 minutes. Yeah.

You almost got three hours in the Van Helsiverse. I would have died. He fights, we see Van Helsing, obviously. It's you Jackman. He looks like shit. He looks like a fucking tired scarecrow in this movie. The hat and the dumb jacket in this wig. My God, the wig!

It's just Vampire 100D, I think. Oh, yeah. It's right. Cosplay. Yeah. Saw some of that at New York Comic Con. He saw him on the subway. Saw Van Helsing on the subway.