We Hate Movies - Episode 410 - Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (CLIP)

Episode Date: March 15, 2019

On this month's patrons-only bonus episode, the gang is chatting about the dull-as-dirt video game adaptation, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider! What's with all the lame—WHOOPS! This episode is for subscribers only! If you are a subscriber, feel free to delete this instantly! But if you haven't subscribed yet, give this clip a listen to see what you're missin'! Then head on over to our Patreon page and subscribe today! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

And then there's like a loud crashing sound. And it's supposed to like kind of seem like there's a gunshot going off. And I thought that this dude was assassinated. But then the joke is she just let something go in the microwave. too long and it exploded? Okay. Why do that? Also, shoot that guy in the head.

I think that's that italicized comedy again. I guess I don't know. Dude, I fucking hate cinematic italicized comedy. She has a butler and 80 bedrooms. Why are you eating a fucking like TV dinner? You're totally not to appeal to the fans of the video. The plebs. Oh, that's what it is.

It's like, hey, fat body watching this movie. I know you're microwaving a burrito. Look, Laura Croft is doing it too. By the way, I have to bring something up. Oh, please. Chris Cabin's serious points. Can we all hold hands for a second? The butler is named Hillary.

Yeah. The fucking main thing is the Illuminati. Yes. How isn't QAnon taking a hold of this movie and turned it into their own personal Eliscape? That's actually a good point. I think there's signs pointing to everything right here. Q&N firmly believes that Bernie would have made a better butler.

Well, actually, if you notice the first time the Illuminati is mentioned, it is in minute 16, which is actually 1,000 sections into the movie. 1,000, obviously we know, is the number of documents that Trump is holding on the rest of the... That is correct. And clearly that Alex West is an interpretation

of John Fennedy Jr. who faked his death and is lying in wait to kill the deep state and save Trump president for life God. Catch him in bed with a Tomb Raider. And... These people wish.

Oh, yeah, that's actually true. She has no breasts. Oh, yeah, dude, fucking Paul, whatever the fuck, has a lot of thoughts about, oh, it's a strong British character that has huge knockers. She's eating garbage. Did you see that microwave meal? My favorite, there's a commercial, it's a hot pocket commercial. And it's two kids in a fucking, in a, in the microwave? Yeah, dude, shove him it.

Don't do that if you have children. Two kids in a grocery store. And one kid's like, oh, let me get a hot pocket. And the other kid grabs the other kid's arms and says, David, mom said to get hearty snacks. And he's like, but this is a hearty snack. It's got cheese.

Like, mom is never like get hardy. What the fuck's a hearty snacks? Now boys, make sure you pick up a hearty snack. I meant hardies. Make sure you blow up the bath. bathroom boys, get microwavable pizzas. You better get a hearty snack because I'm going to Vegas

with my boyfriend and who knows when I'll be back to feed you. No, I'm just going to hang out here with my gin. Go get mommy some hearty snacks. So yes, we have to, it's determined use this all-seeing eye

to find the pieces of the triangle of light because that gives you and maybe the Illuminati if there's successful. The power to control time. A treasure trove for the Qa and non-community. I mean, listen to that. That's just beautiful. Yeah, you're totally right. You can make up all kinds of crazy bullshit that'll make you do violent acts in the middle of nowhere from that shit. They'll figure it out either way, Chris. So she goes to see Ian Glenn, Mr. Powell, and he's like smoking opium at

some party? What the fuck's this shit? Do you know what? Dude, not for this movie. Also, why does you have to have jet black hair? I don't know. It's very weird. And what's with that Zorro hat? He is dressed like an asshole. He is dressed like an asshole. Absolutely is. He absolutely is dressed like an asshole in this movie.

And he's like, yeah, he's sitting on like a fucking pile of pillows. Yeah. Smoking a huge pipe or whatever. And he's pretending he doesn't know what the thing is. And she's like, oh, I do think you know. And there's like a fun, huge air quotes there. Like a fun scene where they're going back and forth. And then she goes back home and then there's an assault on her compound.

Not only is she not raiding tombs, Chris. Her tomb is being rated. That's horseshit. Someone's rating is going the wrong way in this film. It should go the other way. I mean, this is why I was saying, why do you only have two people in your house? Wouldn't you have like a security force that... You're not a one-man army or a one-woman army.

Well, she likes to think she is. I guess so. She can't fight the robot. Well, she failed. The beginning of this scene, she's... Wouldn't you know it, it's really convenient? and she's on a bungee cord doing like wire exercises. Those are just,

that's her nightly wind down, dude. Your house is that big. You got to get around some. But it's not, when the fighting starts, it's not like the Matrix, you guys. Blan-up-na-p-na-

including sounds such as bonap-a-na-pon-a-pon-prop-a. Because we don't have the CGA at the wires. Exactly. Right. You're totally right, dude. Keep those things in. We're doing this wire bungee shit all over the croft estate. and these dudes raid the compound.

They're descending in on strings and they're all, this takes a long time. This movie takes so long to get going. It's kind of amazing. It never gets going. No, you're right, because it's under two hours blissfully. It's like a hundred minutes flat, but it never does anything.

It's like a dude standing in his front yard pulling the fucking cord out of a lawnmower and this movie just doesn't get going. Well, I'll tell you what does get going is a bullet flies into a cherry Pepsi can. Oh, yeah, the Pepsi in this movie. Ooh, yeah, you better drink Pepsi. Bunger, they got my Pepsi.

Well, better go play young Hitler with John Kusat. Thank you.