MELR0210 #10 - Melrose Place "Leap of Faith"
00:00This is a headgum podcast.Hello and welcome to Melro 210, a we hate movie's side show podcast that is existing in the quarantine,wherein we talk about Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210.It's the end of the week.That's right.Open your beers because we are fucking putting our sunscreen on, remain indoors,and we're talking about Melrose fucking place.it is an episode called Leap of Faith.
01:01I'm with my good friends, my only friends these days.Eric Siska.Hello.Chris Cabin.Hi there.And Andrew Juppin.Yo!That's right.
01:13And we're talking about Leap of Faith, the first episode, season one, episode 5.Original Air Date August the 5th, 1992.Oh, yeah.This is a real fucking ABC after-school special episode.It is.saw one man.It's a very special episode here on Melrose playswhen our 20-year-old
01:33when our 25-year-oldactors learn what abortion is.Well, you know, it's an XYZ episodebecause, you know,someone had to take off their zipperin order to have sex,and this is a sexy show.You know what, Michael and Jane,
01:47you play fucking fast and loose.You better understandwhat the consequences are.You're a doctor for Christ,St. Michael.Yeah, but he's also an Italianfrom Brooklyn.That's the Chicago, dude.
01:57Down Chicago way we learnthis episode. Well, that was confusing, though. Hang on. That was confusing because I could have swornin some sort of like thing I read. It was like Michael Mancini, blah, blah, blah, Brooklyn. And thenhe says this thing about Chicago and I was like, wait, what? He had the nickname as the Brooklyn Strangler.Fair enough. They might have retcon this after the fact, but at least in this episode, he's fromChicago down Chicago way. What were you going to say, Chris Cabin? Do they sell a, uh,diaphragms in L.A.?Is that a thing? Or did they legalize it?
02:32Is that just, you know?I would think pills too would be helpful, Jane, at some point.Maybe they fucked so hard that it just likeknocked all that shit off the table.Got it. The pills like came backout through her skin or something.I think they were so vigorous.I think they
02:48are a straight up rubbers couplethough. Because Janehas some like, because like Allison islike, oh my God. You know,I can't believe it. What happened?And she's like, oh, well, you know, I think we just got a little carried away one night.So either, like I said, Italian Catholic, he's a fan of pulling out, or this dude's just fucking riding the rubber rails, dude, and that can solely be a dangerous effort.I think the second, it's the second of the two, which, yeah, when you're married, it's got to, everybody's got to pull their weight here.
03:19You know what I mean?Like, just double up on contraceptives.You'll be just great.So this is aMy subtitle for this episodeis Melrose PlaceA Hellish Place to LiveBecause
03:31Oh yeahThese fucking goblins manOh my godBecause it starts with another poolDance party rightOh fucking poolI know what on a TuesdayOn a Monday
03:40Because Billy got a newgig doingWriting a man on the streetOr whateverThe Life and Times of BillyFucking who gives this shitAn article in like the MelrosePlace
03:52The Melrose City ranor something. It's the rare moron on the streetarticle. You don't get too many of them. It's a free newspaper, they say. So I'mimagining it's just like people picking up looking for escorts. Got it, yeah.Yeah, I mean, like that or like a metro or AM New Yorktype thing. You know, those are bad examples because those are likenational chains that have city specific news. Do those still exist at all?That's a great question. I've seen them all the time like 10 years ago. Now I
04:23I just can't, I can't remember the last time I saw a metro.I mean, I think I'll see, I, last I see, I'll see some, like, where you're at a bar.You'll see, like, like, a zine kind of a thing, but not really so much.And again, that's even like six years ago now.I think you're right, Eric.I think the metros are kind of, no, actually, that's, it's not true.AM New York still exists.And we have, like, there's local-ish, like, upper men, like, where I am, it's like
04:47upper Manhattan newspaper kind of a thing that only covers, like, our part of the boroughs.So those things are still around.As far as whatever, the quality he's writing for, who knows?This is the Hell's Kitchen Gazette that only talks about Daredevil.All of his exploits.I was going to say, I think a lot of this just goes online now.Because, like, if you want to go find a phone sex line, you go online.If you're so one of those losers, I don't know what to do with you.
05:14Phone sex in 2020.I mean, that's truly a commitment to excellence and habit.I bet the industry there is exploding right now.Oh, for sure. Yeah, exactly. You should have bought phone sex stock fucking March 15th, my friend.I almost sounded like Porky Pig getting that sentence out.Speaking of Billy, by the way, I don't want to lose. My new thing is covering the credits.Because there's another great one I wanted to point out from the opening credits here.And it's, you see Billy, like, it's not a high five. It's kind of, I think he like taps this dude in the chest.
05:50He walks by this guy with the huge pony.Yes, I love this.It's like the eighth cast member or something, the guy that you never see.I also, I marked off, I do love Jake's angrily taking off his leather jacket in the beginningof the theme song or in the beginning of the Jake segment of the theme song.So yeah, they're just throwing a party for Billy.I think the first line is from Rondo, it's like, Billy, you're such a stud.And it's like, okay.
06:17And he's like, you know, excited but kind of understands like, hey, this is just a free littleside gig and I'm going to write aboutall my exploits. It's going to be awesome.Michael comes home with a realaccomplishment because he saved someone's lifeand they're like, and they're throwing everybodyin the pool and I'm like, I'mon the top floor. It's
06:35me and my roommates and I gotwork tomorrow, guys. I know thatI know I'm not invited to this sexyparty here on Melrose Place. I never am.You guys are always in the fucking pool and make itreally obvious that I'm not allowed in it.Are you and Darren Starr justlike checking it out every once in a while, right?
06:51down what's going on and making sure you have everything said oh that's a nice party it looks like somethingfrom collegial yes it does i i was too distracted uh in this scene i mean all that stuff is abhorrentbut what was way worse was how the whole scene starts with a close up on matt's feetand he's wearing fucking like white exercise socks and burkenstocks get the fuck at no no no way listen i loveBirkenstocks. I love socks withBirkenstocks. Dude, withshorts on, though, get out of town.No, I wear long pants for that. You look like
07:30a fucking asshole.I'm sure, but it's comfy. Yeah, you'reshowing yourself here. Matt's a free thinker.You know, he doesn't care what anybody thinks about hisouter, you know, being. He's just like, I'mfucking hanging out. And to be fair, Mattis basically, like, he was probably just aboutto go to bed. They're like, Matt, the party's
07:48on. And he's like, whatever he had. This is likea house outfit we're talking about.Oh, God. I guess, oh, I can't find my shoes. Oh, these Birkenstocks will do. Oh, God. What am I doing? What life is this?So, yeah, they're all like, hey, they throw Michael in the pool. It's really fun.This is irresponsible, by the way. He's a doctor coming home from the, what, who knows what blood or cum is on his clothing.That's a really good point.Well, you know, here's the thing. If you're a doctor and you're coming home with blood and come on your clothes, there's certain ways to enter and avoid a pool party.Not what Michael does, which is run into this fucking common area here and just go,
08:26What's up, dudes?Like he's fucking Bill and Ted, man.So, I mean, like, there is a difference.So if you get into the pool with all the blood and the cum, it just disperses.Maybe it gets killed off, but they are all huffing the cum and blood as he enters this little grouping they have.They're so fucking tight.How much cum do you think a doctor encounters on his rounds?Stephen, Stephen, are you a doctor?
08:52I am not a doctor, no.Okay, I am.So I'm telling you.Is he a leader a shift?What are we talking here?Yeah, this is Melro.You kids got to keep the pool full of blood and come from here, all right?Ah, this is also Melro.
09:08Oh, what's that?Oh, you're late, huh?Better go see Dr. Cabin.No thanks.Hey, Michael.Yeah, it's Melro.I know you got some extra hours.all this extra work for me. Why don't
09:21every time I jerk myself offyou come and clean me up.How about that for double your pay? How aboutthat?So we're going to cancel the show now.Yeah, this is done.This is over with. No, so there iswe're having fun and then like we cut
09:37to the next day and Janeis pretty obviously pregnant.She's like looking and it'sthe weird thing is Michael. Well, she takes apregnancy test.But Michael has gone sevenhours of the day. And shechooses the morning when Michael's in
09:53this great mood. He's like, we're going to go toYosemite, Jane. It's going to be fantastic.I'm going to fuck you under the StarlightBaby Girl. I hope there's so muchgood camp in there.It's just like, and it's like let himleave. And then you have the privacyto take the pregnancy test.
10:11Well, she's alreadytaking it and knows that she's pregnant.And this dude is fucking yamberingabout going camping in Yosemite.And like, that's where allthe campers at the hospitalgo and this like the thing we do have a confirmationby the way that Michael is in fact
10:26just an intern yesso he's not in fullon making his own rounds doctormode yet he's still doing his internshipright and now Jane isjust fucking tell him Janeis like a villain of this episodejust fucking tell
10:41you tell everyone else just tell himit doesn't make so like sheshe first runs into Allison and she's likehey Allison I'm pregnant and Allison's like I'm going towork like you know what I mean like I don't know man enjoy that no but she's like oh my god that'sexciting and she's like I don't know if I can oh no that's right she's like hey Allison why do youcome by the boutique I'll show you some dresses because we're going to really push on thatjane actually has characteristics other than being Michael's wife in this episode which I appreciate
11:07yeah no it was it was totally fine to hear about like her aspirations as a fashion designer andand so on and so forth she has a fucking terrible delivery of a line hereat the boutique where Allison's like trying this dress on she's likeI don't know I think it's kind of see through first of allyou hear her say that off screenand then Allison comes out of the changing room and she's wearing like a burlap sackand I'm like I don't know how that's supposed to be see through but whateverand so she's like oh you know Jane is something wrong
11:38because Jane's like not listening to her kvatch about this dressand she goes I'm justpregnant that's allI get out of hereHaven't you learned already to ignore her pout?Because every time it's going to be about Michael's not home.Michael's not home.Haven't you learned to not give a fuck at this point?
11:58Listen, Chris, the things we do for a 15% discount.You got to work for it.You can go to Jane's.You got great clothes.They all look like Burlap Sachs.It's 1992.We love it.But you got to listen to it.
12:09If you ever need to go to a four non-blonz concert,you fucking find Jane's clothing.You'll be right up her alley.so she's likeoh are you going to tell Michaelyeah I wouldn't tell him tonight we got a special dinner planand this is one of myone of my first of many
12:24just getting jealous of people who are allowed to be outsidejust being in a Mexican restaurantcould you imaginecould you imagine as a matter of factone of the placesChelsea and I last ate at before this all wentdown was a Mexican restaurantI guess there was well maybe like a few months
12:42before this happened but it wasexquisiteAnd this restaurant was making me think of that real restaurant, and I was just getting sad.That's going to be the real problem with talking about this era in our lives.It's like, oh, God, and you just missed hanging out in McDonald's with the poor guy next to you pissing all over the floor.The bathroom locked up.I mean, you just miss it.See, every day was an adventure.
13:09You'd go out, you'd see something new, and you'd be like, well, how about that?Now, I don't, there's no how about that.I miss that pizzeriawhere those people were trading pornographyin the open. I miss that so much.Full of life. Those places are full of life.Exactly.So yeah, she's like, and to Eric's point,
13:28like at this point, she just sit him downand be like, listen, I got to tell you something.I'm pregnant. You know, what do you guys?What do you want to do about this?Or not even what are you like, you know, make your decision,Jane, tell him I'm pregnant. This is what we're doing.Whatever.Yes, but instead she frames in this bullshit way of being like,
13:42wouldn't it be something to have a baby?he's like, wait, what are you doing?What are you talking about?I'm like trying to take a piss.Well, his thing is like, oh, you know, we're not ready for itand blah, blah, blah.And like, you know, another five years,which is what you do in a hypothetical situation.
13:56It's a very different answer.Well, sure.I mean, and he's also one of these peoplethat it's just like every, like,aspect of my life is planned out.Like, in another year, I'll be doing this.And six months after that,well, I'll also be doing this.
14:11And then we decided two years and four monthsafter that and I'm just like dude this is exhausting like how can you live a life like thisalso you're the fucking superintendent of this goddamn apartment complex but it's like it's likeokay yeah fine it's like fine in five years my family planning idea is gonna be we'll have a kidthen and but so she reads that as oh so if I were pregnant now you'd want an abortionwell exactly and I mean like and again like maybe she also kind of he's like oh yeah whatabout your dresses you wanted to make like all thiswhat he says what was it
14:45funky evening wear and she's like yesI wanted to make funky evening wearshe finishes that fuckingsentence for him because he's likefunky what was itand I was like what love itsomethingthat could only be sold at like
15:02a storefront at a lilith fairwhat I mean but what iswhat is that mean though like funkynighttime wear like thatit's just you're making cool pajunless she means like go I guess I think more like going outevening wear like you know instead of an evening gown it's funkybecause it's got a flower on it you know funky
15:22oh these clothes oh these clothes are funkywhat I think I'm fucking funky oh no I'm gonna say fuckingfunky evening wear is Birkenstocks with with socksthat's true and a big white t-shirt with a graphic on itabsolutely so she kind of feels bad I mean this is likea story all the way through. It's almost entirelythis. Billy islike totally bombing out at being
15:48a writer. He's like typing on hisfirst of all, Billy, you needto bring your computer in your room.That's how this is going to go. We got to talkabout this Apple 2 fucking consolethat this guy's got because heis moving this thing around the house like it'san iPad and I can't stand it.
16:04He's pickingup this 20 pound computerlike moving it. That's how you getthose abs, man. That's how you get them.It's insane.I was like,you got to stop movingthis desktop computer,
16:15buddy.It's driving me crazy.But also like,Allison wants to use the television.Now you're fucking tip-typing away.Go in your fucking room.And you better believethat's a loud-ass keyboard.
16:25It is insane to put that fuckeron the coffee table.That's where,yeah,like where he's atat the end of the episode,I was like,you have a desktop computer
16:35sitting on a coffee table right now.I was expecting him to likeput an orange rind and the coffee tablebreak.Just the one little extra bitI love himHim and his mulletTrying to write this column
16:50Andrew's shoe looks very mullity in this episodeI should say by the way, excuse meI've got the hiccups right nowIt's fucking killing meWould you fall out a barrel like a mouseAnd now you're drunkI do what happenedIt was a total accident
17:04I burrowed through a wheel of wine cheeseAnd I came out the other sideThese fucking hiccumsOh that's sadAnd now, oh, that's why, that's why when Irish eyes are smiling is playing.But what I love about him, like, tip-tap-it-way, it starts with him, like, I guess he's looking through a notebook of ideas, and he's just ripping pages out, just crumbling them up and throwing him down.And he goes, well, at least I still have my day job.And then he's like, Allison, I can't write because I don't, I never live the life, Allison.
17:36I'm just the guy from the valley.And let me tell you something.He tells a story right here that I feel.would be a story that's like fit for a we hate movies mailbag episode because he's just likewhat am I going to write about ala that I'm just the kid from the valley like I'm gonna writeabout that time I saw milly and vanilla at the gallery uh the t-1,000 pulls up the galleryaexactly oh I fucking love it dude so he thinks he needs like inspiration and he has to dragalex like you know what good writers do good writers do good writers
18:11throw their lives down the toilet with alcoholism.Allison, we're going to shooters.Well, he does this whole riff.It's like, how big one with getting in a bar fightand all that stuff?And drinking himself to death,ruin his relationship.And she's like, I hope you don't end up
18:25with a shotgun in your mouth.I'm like, hope you don't.Hope you don't.Okay, I just want to write that down.Don't.I make sure I heard that contraction there.It's do not.My hopes for the season finale were dashed.
18:38Oh, come on.He's on for like the fucking whole show, dude.She does have a great line, though, where she's like, she's like, well, Billy, you don't have to be like Ernest Hemingway.Look at Emily Dickinson. She had, you know, such a great writing career. And, you know, she barely left the house.And fucking Billy's response is, well, what a candy out.And take that Emily Dickinson.Not only does his writing need to be cliche. His image of himself as a writer needs to be that as well.Exactly. Absolutely. I think that's how that writing is born, dude. It's like a fucking obnoxious, cliched person.
19:11that loves Hemingway.You are aware that other books came out after 1960, right?Like other other stuff happened?Yeah, probably a bunch of candy-ass literature, though.Allison, I burned it a degenerate art.Matt and Jake show up and...Oh, man.Matt's got some story about this kid that he rasseled a knife out of his pockets and all this shit.
19:36He's making this up.Yeah, oh yeah, definitely.You think so about wrestling kids at the halfway halfway half?The way the story isIt's like so then there was a 12 year oldPulled out a giant knife13 year old pulled out a fuckingSword and then they were fighting
19:51Each other and I preventedThis massive death at this fuckingThe halfway house or whatWhat the homies working inOr whatever it isYeah right well he says that it was a weird thingWhere he gets it's a 12 year oldPulled a knife on a 15 year old
20:05And he took the knife away from the kidAnd the kid started cryingBecause the knife was the last thingthat kid's mother gave to himbefore she went into, I believe he saysinsane asylum?A Rush Limbaugh article.It's insane or like
20:23a, or this like a Freddie Krugeror Candyman-esque situation.That's a really good point. Yeah, she'sgoing to get hypnosis at the insane asylum.By the way, I don't need, Iknow it still happens, but a knifefight, two things is happening. One, Ialways imagine it's a musical.
20:41Number two is I always just think of Hans MulmanLike this is a knifeBamYeah you knowJust a rough week at the halfway houseAnother kid died in his sleepIt's just I don't know what's happening hereThey keep eating knives in their throats
20:57Billy get thisI'm at the halfway houseA girl is asleepHaving a dreamNext thing I knowShe's flying across the ceilingBlood and guts going everywhereall of her tendons
21:11turn into ventriloquist stringsit's ridiculousoh my god I got to tell youwhat happened to this deaf kid at thehalfway houseso now I'm so down-trodded by this whole thingbecause I have to stay up 24 hours a dayto keep the rest of these kids up
21:27oh wow mouth that sounds like a great storyyou mind if I use it from my articlefor this fake newspaperso some guy comes inin a fucking neck castAnd Billy's like, that's the guy I got to be.And he's like, oh, yeah.Because it's just like, oh, buddy, what's the story with that neck brace?
21:48And it's like, dude, there are things to shout across bars.And there are things to quietly approach somebody.Because the guy's like, hey, give me a shot of whiskey.And Billy is like, you know what, why don't you take mine?I'm like, no, you can buy me one if you'd like.I'm not touching whatever, you know, I don't want your drink, dude.Shockingly, or I guess maybe unshackily, I don't know what kind of character this guy's supposed to be.walks away with two whiskeys. Nice, dude. He takes billies and the one
22:12that he bought. But the guy's like, yeah, it was a, it was a, I got it in a bungeejumping accident. And also, like, the idea is like, is yeah, man, jumped off thebridge, got whiplash, and like, that's the place you don't want to go. Like, youdon't mean, there are, like, okay, that, I do want a bungee jump, but whatever the companyhe used, I don't want to use. Yeah, seriously, dude, fucking two brothers bungee jump.business. Yeah, we'll drive you out to the bridge. B. Y.O. Bungee cord, though.Ah, you didn't bring a bungee card? What are we going to do? I just throw them off the bitch.Look, a rope bungee cord. What's the difference? Uh, just you put this rope around your leg and then we push you off.
22:56So Jake comes up with, or Matt, or Jesus Christ, Billy, all these fucking dude names here,Billy's like, oh, I got a perfect idea. We got to go bungee jumping, guys. It's the only way I'mto get this story. And Jake'skind of like, eh, becauseBilly's whole cellhere is like, well, Matt had a greatadventure at the halfway house fighting FreddieKrueger. And then Jake
23:20over here, Jake, you out a hardlife, I bet, right? I bet you've stareddown the barrel of a gun.I bet a lady threwa stiletto heel at youtelling you to get out.Not really. A 16 year oldposted his bail once.
23:36Yeah, that's true. Yeah, oh,Matt with all of his statutory rape shenanigans, he's lived an exciting life.So he's like propositions they do this thing. And Matt has another great line. Oh, I'll try anything once. Yeah, man. Go for it. So that's their sort of story. We come back to Jane who is like her, she realizes she wants to have an abortion. That's her sort of thing. And like she, but she also is trying to do this thing where she's like, well, I want to make it as a designer. So she goes.there's this scene and it was like it was like 15 minutes into the episode and it's ronda and sandymaking it enormous fish and i'm like if there's a sea plot of ronda and sandy cooking fish i amleaving this show it's kind of the closest thing we get to a sea plot though because this is a reallyit's an a b week here on melrose place but i thought the same thing i was like seriouslyyou guys are cooking a couple of fucking fish that's what we're doing uh but it's she's making it
24:38for Sandy. I guess I didn't realizeuntil this episode, but it lookslike Rhonda and Sandy are roommates.Did anybody else? Okay. They are.Yeah. Um, soand this is like, she's making this picture. She's like, I'm going toconvince you to, you know, start eating better and blah,blah, blah. And she's like, you know what, Sandy,
24:54you need to lose some weight. We've been looking atyou, uh, you'redisgusting. It's just unhealthy is what it is. Well, it's that obnoxiousthing where Sandy's like, hey y'all,I can still eat whatever I won't. Not gain apound. And Rhonda's like, yeah, not for long. So we're going to make you some fish.And Jane just barges in with these dresses. And this is, speaking of like an after school special.I thought she was supposed to be fucking hepped up on Adderall or something.
25:22That's what I thought too. Speed or something.But yeah, so she's like, you know, oh yeah, you got to try these dresses. You got to try these dresses on right now.Right now. Yeah, got to see if they fit. Got to see if they fit. And she's like freaking out and everything.I have fucking fish on the counter. You are going to wait.like your little like trial dress right now has fucking fish guts all overi hope you like that jane i hope you like your dumb fucking funky nightwear smelling like fishguts look i'm sorry i'm sorry ronda you know michael he took up to another job he's makingmeth he's making meth he's making meth in our bathroom it's fucking fantastic it's fucking
25:51fantastic ronda i'm about it for 69 hours woohoo i think if someone was up for 69 hoursthey do a better job of making clothes that these uh than what she presents here yeah it's i meanit's your classic 90s it's enormous there's likeThey look to your pointLike burlap sacksAnd then she's likeThey're terribleI can't believe
26:10I made such a terrible dressOh my GodBut at least I warded offFrom Freddy Kruger for another nightAnd Rhonda's likeHey man don't worry about itHey stay for dinnerI'm eating these fish
26:21And she holds up a fishAnd Jane immediately vomitsOh you want fishYou're gonna get gutted like a fishAnd Sandy's likeOh y'allI know that when someone pukefrom fish they're pregnant
26:36I learn that on the bayouor wherever it is I'm supposed to be from y'alltry to guess y'all it'll make your fucking head explodeyou know you know all thosemovies where the people are eating sushithey're all pregnant y'allwhen they vomit from the sushi they vomitthat's pregnancy y'all
26:58the president george h w bush was pregnantin japanSo, yeah, she's like, yes, I am pregnant, blah, blah, blah.But I don't know if Michael wants the baby.I don't know what I'm going to do.The next day she decides to get an abortion.She wakes up.Absolutely.
27:16But we got a hold tight, dude.We got a fucking egregious apartment entrance here that I have to bring up.Because the three of them are having this conversation in Rhonda and Sandy's bathroom.In Rhonda and Sandy's apartment.And all of a sudden, it's door opening noise.Oh, my God.Michael, like, Jane, hey, Jane, are you here?Dude, get out of my fucking apartment.
27:42You serial killer.This is not fucking a role-playing game.You can't just go into people's houses looking for items, asshole.But I discovered the skeleton key that the old man told me to find.I can explain this.I can explain this.Sandy is the, it's Ron and Sandy that are together.Yeah.
27:58Yeah.He was walking in like, oh, Sandy, you ready for our.Dave, I have beenfucking tired. Oh, fuck,James! Oh, Jay! Hi! Jay!Jay! Oh, wrong apartment.I did it again. I waslooking for my wife, Jane. Hello, Jane.
28:14Hi.I'm sorry, Steve. I just had to point that out.I just look at a three or four of my treasure chestto see what you got in here. Oh, 20 rupees. Awesome.Oh, Jane, sorry about that. I evaluated thesefossils and I can't use any of them for you.museum. Guess you could go leave himoutside in storage or something. Hope
28:35somebody comes to your island and fuckingpicks them up for you. Or you could sellthem off at the store. Or I couldknock on a fucking door ever in mylife. Sothere's also this Michael and Jake scenewhich is kind of useless where they'reit's just a great like Michael and Jake
28:51walking around kind ofscene. Just walking around.You know, you know, like again, talk aboutgetting me to miss the old days. You guys. Rememberwe would just go out.walk the streets of New York,eating donuts, just talking and laughing.Enjoying a good donut stroll.
29:09You guys doing donut walks without me.Well, who told you to move, dude?Who told you to move?You're missing out on all the donut strolls.Now I'm kind of excited.I want when we're able to leave the house again,we're going to reshoot the Melrose Placeopening theme shot for shot,
29:25but it's just the four of us in a line eating donut.Dude, I'm down.Yeah, totally down.also do the reservoir dogs opening eating donuts because Michael's like oh Jake beingmarried's like a donut you know it's like these two halves that come together butthere's a hole and I'm like is that whole something I made a mistake about or is itsomething that was there for the beginning ah geek oh I'm a doctor and Jake's all like well I knowa thing or two about a thing or two when it comes to fill in holes I'm contributing to
29:57this episode also like Mike what you want to do is fuck your donutthat'll fix your problem right thereI thought marriage was like a donutas in you don't nutoh man sick fucking Jeff Foxwhere the joke dudeactually that's probablya little too
30:13risque yeahyeah no that's like Bill Engvalterritoryso whateverI mean that's their little sceneso like she decides to have an abortionAllison is thereand she's like listen Allison
30:27I'm going to have an abortionAllison's it's kind ofNot interesting. It's not really fleshed out.Like, Allison's clearly...And I don't know if it's a movie Courtney Thorne Smith, bad acting.Like, she's clearly uncomfortable with it, but never says so.Am I wrong there? Did I was...I was getting that vibe also. But she's doing the right thing, which is shutting her fucking mouth.
30:48That's a really good point. That's the attitude you have.I did also know that she's a bad actress, yes.Oh, so you were over there, dude, playing the chairman of the B-O-R-E-B?Exactly.So she's like, you know what, man, the one time, and, you know, I'm certainly not a woman.I've never had an abortion.The one time I don't want my hashtag squad with me is what I'm going to the doctor to get an abortion.Because she's going with Allison, you know, you bring a friend, you need to get driven, blah, blah, blah.
31:16You want some emotional support.And then Rhonda and Sandy are like, let's fucking pack up the goddamn pickup truck, y'all.Let's do it.Field trip, y'all.Oh, man, we're getting a bunch of beers in the back of the truck.Minds me the old Friday nightLights daysThat's right
31:31I came from a townThat had big high school footballY'allWhere am I from?I don't know y'allYou know what we have to haveAfter we have an abortionDon't you?
31:40We gotta have abortionApprault we're all spritsesCome on y'allLet's go drink inIt is not the socialActivity that these two charactersTreat it asRod is like
31:52And I mean yes againLike you want to support your palBlah blah blahBut it's really a one or twoAnd it's inviteonly, by the way. You do not want to inviteyourself to the abortion.Oh, I'm sorry, y'all. Was I crash
32:04in this abortion consultation?Pardon me? I'll be out in theback with the cooler.Oh, sorry, y'all. I'm just here drinkingmy dark waters, because am Ifrom West Virginia or not?Who knows?I'm sorry, Jane.
32:20These are my sorority sisters. They just camein this morning. They wanted to meet you.Hi.Oh, dude. You do not get a plus one to do anabortion absolutely not no absolutely not so she goes and like i don't know this is like fuckingsaint anne's abortion center i don't know why this woman is just like yes you want to ask likeyou know um have you considered maybe you know like adoption or other things and she's likehave you told your husband and she's like well no she's like well you have to tell your husband
32:48and it's like yeah like we're we're kind of stepping over the line here lady i asked you forinformation only not the fucking opinion section so while this is happening and jane is beingfucking grilled by this woman uh sandy goes to alison who are waiting to the waiting room and she'slike yeah it's really difficult to have an abortion you know i i did when i was 16 and likealison in an abortion clinic when 70 feet away from her her friend is likely having a abortion she'slike you had an abortion it's just like the way she says it i'm like yes obviouslyYeah, y'all, I was getting readyfor a beauty pageant
33:29and I wanted to look my best.I was up against John Bonnet Ramsey.Took care of her, I did.Oh, my God.It's a great time to mentiona recommendation, the excellent documentarycasting Jean Bonnet.Oh, yeah, that was fun.
33:47Pretty good.Fun?No, I mean, I remember it being good.Where'd they cast her a river?Oh, my God.But she's like, you know, she tells this whole story about like how she was 16 and like she got it with the wrong guy and blah, blah, blah.And like I also like this always happens in TV shows.It's it's one thing for a character to have had an abortion, but very rarely does the character actually go through with the abortion.
34:14You know what I mean?Like this whole episode, I'm like, Jane's not having this fucking abortion in 1992.No, absolutely not.And it's chicken shit, FYI.Go for, no, I mean, just, you know, it's the show, you know, you want to have a 90s show about, like, what, what it's like to be in L.A. in the 90s, that's what's going to go on.I mean, I guess so, dude, but that's not what they want. They want a fucking nighttime soap opera. Come on. Yeah, I mean, but this show is like, women get abortions, guys go bungee jumping, all right?It's the go-go 90s. It's, it's Juno rules for abortion dramas. I think up until like two years ago where, like, you could show, show.all the options, but she's keeping that
34:57fucking baby. You hear me?She chickens out at the last,it's always she chickens out at the lastsecond. Right. Or, oh,she had a miscarriage at the last second.At the last second,Santa came and said, no,you're not pregnant.
35:13So, no, I don't want toget too ahead of ourselves, but doesanyone know what would happen? Like,she's supposed to, she keeps it in the end.She does she get to the episode, yeah.Does she have a baby on the show?What happens after this?I'm smelling miscarriage.
35:28Yeah, I am too. I don't remember either way.There are a lot of like babies floating around Melroseplace. I don't know of this particular baby.I don't remember. I know that.Hey, Allison, my new job is I'm selling babies.Unfortunately, since quarantine is continuing, we'll probably get there.We'll find out about these babies.Jane does have a baby at some point, I think.
35:54I don't know if it's Michael's and I don't knowif it's this baby. I do notSenator I do not recallSo she you don't know what happensWe kind of cut from the scene with Sandy's admissionAnd we cut to the bungee sceneWhich is much more funAnd it's the guys it's Matt
36:11Jake and Billy they're going toActually Billy has a really stupid nightmareSpeaking of Freddie KrugerThank you I did want to get to thisBecause I had a really big questionrevolving around this scenebut yeah so it's like he's having a nightmare of himI guess it's like half nightmare half memory
36:31of him likea high dive at a public pool or something like thatand his parents are likeyou can do it Billy jumpdo it right and so here's my question thoughbecause I didn't look at the casting and I'm sure it's notbut doesn't this actor playing Billy's fatherat least look exactly like Martin
36:52Moll?A little bit.He looks like Martin Mollin the insidious universe.Like when you go into the darkand like it's just like all blue-graystuff, that's that version.This guy kind of had like a, was it a goatee
37:06or a beard? Yeah.I thought it was a beard. Yeah, whichMartin Moll has a beard. Right.Okay. Yeah, no, no. I'm just saying itdid look like him but in the dark universe.Sure. A little more ofa sinister edge to this guy.He didn't really have the sexual charisma.
37:22of Martin Moll.Sure, sure.That's what he really means.That's what really makes the mall.Who would sexily tell a kid to jump off a high diving board?Martin Moll.Like, it would be fucking dripping with sex.I will say, speaking of Dark Universe of Martin Moll, this guy's, the actor's real name is Malachi Throne.
37:41Dude, that's a...I'm not kidding you.What in the world?I love that character in The Watchman.Yeah, seriously, what fucking doomsday cult that this guy quit?Oh, don't know.worry you're under the you better jump off that so says malachi throne that's insane oh my mani love it uh okay um so you're uh you're reading for pa kent hello superman it's me your
38:09nice father so says malachi thrown next is he still alive steve no he passed in 2013 saysFuck! Fuck!I'm looking for tophits here. He was inIt Takes a Thief. He was in Catch MeIf You Can. Oh, he's in an episode.Oh, he played something onStar Trek. The original series,
38:33Cal, Comedore Jose Mendez.Oh.He also stars in Neil Gaiman's dreams.Oh, I have the...You won't be finding the dream stonetonight, Mr. Gaiman.So says Malachi Throne.That is a great name.
38:53It really does.It just rolls off the tongue.I'm Malachi thrown from now on on all message boards.I am changing my fucking, my header on all my message boards.Excellent.Jean-Beney.net, all of them.Yeah.That's a great site.
39:14So it's his nightmare.It's never really resolved, actually.He's never like, oh, I have that great laugh, night alpha where I was.It was a memory when I was high divingand I fucking split my head open.That's why I talk like this.What Allison says next is outrageous.She's like, you know, they say that
39:32if you dine the dream, you die in real life.Yep.What a comforting thing to say.Like, oh, Billy, I'm sorry you had that nightmare.You know, they say in those falling dreams,if you hit the bottom, you die for real.I thought this was going to be a stepping stoneto them getting it out.
39:53She walks in, like in the middle of the nightbecause he fucking screams out of this dream,which is hilarious, and it wakes her up.They both have hilariously bad, like, little nightstandswith little lamps on them.Did you catch Billy's lamp?It's like, it looks like kind of a candelabrawith like a push switch on it.
40:13It's a very unbilly lamp.I think Allison may have, like, donated it.Oh, no, it came.It's a family heirloom.from hellI do thinkyou're right on thatbecause fucking
40:25when he wakes upfrom this diving dreamhe is gleaminglike sweat coveredthe pecks are looking phenomenaltotallyand she just walks inlike hey Billy
40:35you all rightand I was likehere we gohere it comesI don't knowever since Matt told usabout that creepy guyat the halfway house
40:43I've been havingthe strangest dreamsyeah he's got likea weird hatand a bad sweaterIt's got these burns all over him, Allison.Just like, the guy you are telling me about in your nightmare.Allison, I think I have my story for the paper right here.
41:02Let me go get my computer and drag it in here.Oh, fuck, Alford, his face is coming out of the TV.Oh, fuck, Allison.Oh, right.Oh, fuck, I must be asleep.Oh, no.Hey, y'all, I got a weird phone call and the phone turned into a tongue.Anybody else get that?
41:19Well, hang on, y'all.Wait, you mean to tell meno one else was sucking their phone'stongue or what?Jake's motorcycle turnsinto Freddie Kruger.Oh, yes.Oh, we're going for a ride, Jake.
41:34Let's go find Kelly.Hey, Matt, those are some dumbsock and sandal combinations.You're just a fashion victim.So whatever.go bungee jumping it's run by bungee co which is just two dudes and big t-shirts you know what dudekeep driving dude here's the thing it's like as if i were to like dial up my weed guy and hisbusiness was weed incorporated like what are you doing just calling it bungee co come on
42:08like disaster brothers bungee jumping yeah sure was taken i guess and i don't know like none of thiscould be it's just off a bridge so they just like i guess like there's a flyer somethingsomewhere. It's like, hey, bungee co will be on the 39th Street Bridge tomorrow.Hey, man, you fucking call us up morning of. You got to find out where we're going to be that day.It has to sound generic as fuck so that then, you know, you can't stick the lawsuit on just anyone.That's true.There's multiple bungee coes. I don't know, John. I don't think non-fatal suicide ink is, uh, is going to be the one to go with here.Uh, just me, just me, Jimmy talking to you. You know, I don't know much.
42:48it did take me back again it's the 90s and it reminded memy dad's thrill-seeked days man we just hanging out in the skydiving ranchjust a bunch of people woo-hooing all day your fatherskydived yes for quite quite a while right anddid you say other members of your family as well um godI don't remember no I don't think no I don't think anyone I'll say no my sisterdid once but like later on any bungee play oh there wasthere was bungee play my brother
43:18we went on in Virginiaand this was more like it wasn't likemeet some guy on a bridge it was likean extension of awasn't maybe it was onat Bush Gardens or right nearin Virginia that means you can shoot offfireworks while you're doing it
43:33and it was like you knowit was sanctioned it had the bungeeyou get the weird pillow you could eitherhold on to or not kind of a thingpillow there's a bungee pillowit's like a weird like big foam thing that's on the stringthat you can kind of hold on to, like, as opposed to it from your feet kind of a thing,more of a harness.
43:53Because of your fear and you're falling to your death and you're going to hug this pillow.Oh, I complete, I thought it was like, like, look, here, hold this pillow.If it looks like you're going to hit your head on the ground, just put it in between and you will be fine.The pillow is there to save your life.If it looks like, instead of a pillow helmet, it's just a, you got to do that movement with your hands,it was a colander with a pillow on itand a rubber band kept it all togetherno but like yeah but it was that and there was even like
44:26there was an error inflatable error thingthat if you fell you would land on the air thingkind of a thing it was much more safe familycall it a family bungee kind of a situationI mean this is like straight concrete that they showthis is not even a river this is like a dry concreteonce was river baydude and that is kind of like the biggest laugh
44:47of all of this is likeit's bad enough. You're justsome rinky dink outfit on the sideof some fucking highway bridge.But like adding insultto injury is like when Billy goes todo it and he looks down and it's justlike this trickle
45:03of water. It's likedude you can't at least do it likeover some like deepriver that would help outmaybe a little bit if something went wrong.Nope, nope. Concrete with someonetook a piss in the middle of it. It looks likewhere the T-1000 gets chased
45:19by the Terminator.It looks exactly like the L.A. River, yeah.It's where they dump the black Dahlia.It's fucking should not bewhere it is. A correction cabin.It's where they dumped the first halfof the black Dahlia. Fair.I need your clothes, your boots, and your Bungicode.
45:37He's a thrill seeker.Oh no, the BungiCode brokebecause I weighed 2,000 pounds.My favorite part of BungiCo isnot only they havemake you sign a waiver that like if youdie you can't blame thembut they also videotape you saying
45:53it. Oh yeah, dude. It's likeit's the more tubular formof signing an insurance waiverdude making a fucking videowill. AndDoug Savant does not haveMatt's character downjust yet. He is so woo-hooing
46:09in this scene. It's really something.Wow. He can't be excitedby Bungee. I guess so but he's just likethis guy's going to budgey, then he's going to budgey.I just budgey, man. It was fucking awesome.No, this seems, you're right.This seems right to me, though, because he could, he's Pawscore.Anything that's, like, positive and, like, uplifting and gets you going.
46:31Like, I think he's into it.It's the spirit of the Lord, my friend.Exactly.I think that's something with Matt that we're not quite laying into.Yeah.And you're totally right.He's just high on Jesus, dude.So whatever, Jake does it as well.
46:47It's Billy's turn.I can't throw it.Oh, geez.I just can't.Yeah, this episode's kind of a waste of time.Sorry for the B-plot, everybody.I'm not going to bungee jump.I'm not going to turn it to Andrew Hemingway.
47:03I'm going to turn it to David Brooks.Oh, my God.Let me first to then bungee without the rope, if that's what happens to me.Andrew, I'm sorry to give you this news with the test results came back.unfortunately, you have a severe case of David Brooks.Well, in that case, send me right for the bridge.Well, at least David Brooks. That's slow moving. You got a couple of years.Brett Stevens, you better fucking do it right away.
47:31So that's, he's like, yeah, I got thy walled bungee. They come back.While this is all happening, Rhonda, and I mean, I almost like threw a glass against the wall.It was like, it was like, I was watching like 3 p.m. I just got so mad watching this woman work.She comes into Michael's place, Michael and Jane.She actually knocks, and she got this casserole.And she's like, oh, hey, Michael, how's it going?It's like, yeah, I was doing okay, blah, blah, blah.She's like, hey.
47:59She's like, you know what, Michael, why don't you take this casserole?I made it for you guys.Just, you know, since Jane's going through what she's going through and you guys are going to need a little bit of extra comfort,like, well, what is she going through?And she's like, no, no, no, no, no.The meth is doing great.The meth is doing fantastic.I'm moving it.
48:17Every due day, I don't know.Anyhow, we're gone, Gold Street.And it's, uh, how does she, how does you figure out that it's an abortion?Does Rhonda say it or is it?I don't know that he knows that it's, it's not a, it's not, well, he said, she says baby.Oh, that's right.Oh, yeah.That's what it is.
48:38Yeah.She's like, oh, yeah.Ever since you lose the baby or whatever.And he's like, what?She's like, I got to go, Michael.I'm like, you have got to be.kidding me, Ron Don't. Dude, I was like, yeah. Yeah, Ron Don't indeed. Thank you. Thank you. I was like, man, you know what?My name is also Ron Don't. Ronda, why'd you spill your beans?
49:02We're out of Ron Don't license plates. Yes, my son is also named Ron Don't.That's probably the name of a conservative columnist as well. Ron, space.the case for opening up Americaby Ron Don'tIt's not far from Ross DuthatIt's not farEither would be one of theseI'm sorry we cut you off Andrew
49:27Who is I talking aboutRelated to RhondaBabyWell just I mean the thing is just don'tDon't do it don't bother someoneJust because you think likeOh they want a little bit of helpWith this moment of need
49:42Like leave it aloneEven if they are going through somethingLeave it aloneAlso, wait till you get the final confirmation on what went down.Stop going into everyone else's fucking house.Exactly.Like, nobody desperately needed that fucking fetichini tonight, Rhonda.You could have fucking put that shit in the fridge and brought it over tomorrow after you heard from Jane.
50:05Killing me.Fucking Rhonda.What I was going to say, Steve, was I was so infuriated by that.I was like, now I know that the pool at Melrose Place claims at least more than one person.Oh, for sure. And I was like, Rhonda, I know it's not you, but I am wishing it was you right now because that fucking, like, the flub and then the, well, I guess I'll leave this food here and just fucking run out while Michael's like, wait, whoa, whoa, what's going on? We're ready to get back. You bobo, boom, blah, boom. Yeah, I would leave. I would leave Melrose place. That's for sure. There would be a note that says, I am sorry, and I'm moving to a different apartment complex. Hey, this is Melro. You can't break your lease like that.you're going to have to ruin at least two more marriagesbefore I bring to the disease.Mo's got to have his entertainment.
50:51At the back with the devil,you could leave if you die in the pool.So we, Jane comes backand we get a little Godfather 2 action herewhere it's an abortion, Michael.It was an abortion like this marriage is an abortion.No, we don't.No, we don't actually get that.
51:13it's not that but it's i mean it's a it's a big it's a big fucking blowout uh it's amazing thoughthat we never talk about michael obviously he's italian his name's mancini like this dude's gota problem with an abortion and we should put a hat on what that is like he's catholic likejust say it yeah instead of making us you know presume that that's what's going onbecause he's the doctor and he's still mad after she reveals that she she she actually didn't go throughwith it. So it's like, wait, well, I mean, no, it makes total sense. Like, he's got to move hisentire meth lab to make room for the baby in the bathroom. Where else are they going to keep thisfucking kid? Yeah, because first, he's like, oh, you, you, you headed abortion without
51:55even telling me. I can't believe I heard the hear it from Rhonda. And she's like, mental note,murder Ronda. No, actually, Michael, what happened was, uh, I didn't have the abortion anyway.And he's like, oh, so you had to be, you're going to have the baby. Thanks, when was I goingget a choice here, bye-bye.It's like, dude, shut up.That's exactly right.Tip for Michael for the entire series, but specifically this episode, shut up.Yeah.
52:25You know, both of these characters I find pretty miserable to watch.All of these guys, I'm sorry.I have other, like, Matt seems like he's a good person at heart, but I don't want to watchthem.Yeah.Others are just terrible.All of them.It's true.
52:38It's true.Yeah.favorite part of this episode is rightas it happens right as this is happeningright now MattBilly and Jake come backfrom their adventuresand you know what dude it's time for a
52:52couple of bros just to share a Cokejust a couple of guyshaving a coke after a long dayof bungee jumpingjust sitting arounddrinking cokeI gotta do what a doth do and drink Coca-Colaand
53:09it's a fullCoke product line on displaybecauseJake and Billyhave regular Cokeand then Matt is alsodrinking a delicious diet Cokedrinking a DC man
53:22that's where you want to beso Michael comes outhe's blowing up and he's likeevery and I mean likethis is what I would do every nighthe'd be likeeverybody in this apartment buildingknows about my marriage and I don't
53:33and he's like storming off and I'm like yeah dudekeep movingkeep goinga little fartherA little farther.So he leaves, and then, like, Jake and the guys go after him.The ladies go after Jane.And this is, like, the only...
53:49We're five episodes in, and, like, nobody knows what's wrong.And Michael, all the dudes are trying to control.I'm like, oh, women are crazy and blah, blah, blah.And it's like, yeah, they're always shopping.And then Matt says, men are no better.Which is, like, four words of, like, you know what this is a gay character, you guys?I'm not sure if you're aware of this.Yeah, it's been since the...
54:09pilot since we mentioned anything, butjust so everyone's keeping score at home,Matt is a homosexual.But not enough that's going to make your dad turn this offor make your dad realize that there's gay peopleon the show. It's just kind of a secret codefor you to know.Yeah, really.
54:25You could just hear one of the good onesin the distance.I would be fascinated to know the numberof dads that were tuninginto Melrose's place.No, it's just he's in the other roomlike watching football. And hey,Are any gay people on that show?
54:41No.Just checking.What does he mean by men or no better?Well, he just is being sympathetic.All right.You got me this week.All right.Now it's Saturday morning.
54:52Any gay cartoons?Is that?Any of these cartoons gay?That's right.Saturday morning, you watch some straight cartoons.Some GI Joe.Yeah, the straightest cartoon of all.You watch GI Joe followed by He-Man, then the Thunder cats.
55:08You've got to grow up straight.Oh, look at those glistening cartoon chests.Yeah, now this is a cartoon.And then your kids, they're going to have been the straightest cartoon of all time,Renan Stimpy.So whatever, and they go to shooters, obviously.And at Shooters Matt reveals, or I'm sorry, Michael reveals that Jane is pregnant.Everyone's like, they kind of, this plot doesn't really resolve logically.
55:34No one says to Michael like, hey man, congratulations.you know what I mean it's not a thing where like his his thinking changes he just has a beer and calms down basicallywhich is you know I mean it's more logical fine yeah I mean I think the other thing to really I thinkthese guys all realize it when they're out at shooters they're like oh fuck we're out hereconsoling this neighbor of ours that had a tiff with his wife son of a bitch we're not friendsyeah and like if anything like so the three of them spent the day together that's fine but likeno one is friends with Michael.No.
56:12Michael's not part of the Coke club, dude.No, definitely not.If he was out there drinking a Sprite, you know,or any other delicious product owned by the Coca-Cola Corporation?Jacob opens the window.Yo, Billy, you're down for a Coke, brother, man?Yes, you know it.I'll knock on that store.
56:29We'll got a diet going.It'll be great.You're going to get a diet going.That's the thing is Jake is close with Mike,but only because he will do work for rent.Like he'll do part of Mike's job for the rent.You're totally right, Kevin.Close enough.
56:45Well, I'll fix these pipes here for you.That should buy me another couple weeks rent free, right?Yo, Jake, look what I got here.A big fucking three-leader of the big stuff.Got a big boy right here.Oh, guys, it's time for a wild Saturday night.Here comes the doctor.Piper.
57:05It looks like the doctor's in the house.Oh, I'll let that take my temperature.Oh, my God.So Michael and Jane, that doesn't really get resolved.No.Instead, we resolve the fact that Billy's able to write a banger of an article.Oh, yeah.About not bungee jumping.
57:25Slays at writing about not bungee jumping.You think I learned that cowardice is the real bravery.Well, I think what he's getting at.is kind of nice at heart, Chris,because it's like, you know what,you don't have to go throughwith stuff you don't want to go through.Yeah, and it's like, and you can, you know,
57:42all experiences are validso long as they're written well, but unfortunatelyfor Billy, it's not written well, so.Life, the adventure, notdeath.Allison loves it.Oh, Allison loves it.Allison sucks in this episode, by the way.
57:58She does jack shit.Still, the only thing we know about heris that she's gone to college and she likespeanut butter. And she's like the starof the show. And wants to be, now, now, now, now, to be fair, now, now, she also wants to work inadvertising. Okay, that's fair. That's three. Well, I mean, you know, what do we know about Matt?He may or may not be gay depending on if your father is in the room. He's great at disarming12-year-olds. Loves diet coach. And is a bit of a bungee head now. He's a bit of a thrill
58:31Seeker. That would be great of like just every time we see Matt. Now he's like, huh, just cameback. Kind of fucking great bungee in before dawn. Free dawn bungee, dude. You know, Jake,you want a bungee tomorrow? Want to do a Russian roulette on Sunday? I got a place I can go.He comes in the end up, like he's so addicted to when he starts calling it like drug slings almost.Like, yeah, yeah, do you got any jump rope over there?But yeah, the thing with Michael and Jane is just,like they you know he comes backan obnoxious thing is she
59:05apologizes to him he does not apologizeto her fuck you Michael Mancinionce again as always anyonenotice this enormous cherub posterin their house that's disgustingwhat is this now it is like somethingout of a Victorian oldlady's dream it is two beautiful
59:21cherubs it's enormousit takes up their entire fucking livingroom no you got to get all cherubiconography out of your house dude that'sfucking disgusting yeah it's no wayIt's definitely cursed.Yeah, what are you fucking doing?Aside from asking for it from the supernatural.
59:38Yeah, there's Melrose.Don't move that painting.It's alive.That painting right there, yeah, they look like cherubs,but it actually houses the soul of Vigo the Carpacian.It's painted by a man by the name of Malachi Throne.A disciple of Ball, Malachi Throne.I banished his soul to the pool, you know.
01:00:00So the pool is Malachi thrown nowThe pool is a conduit to the other worldThat's why it needs to be filled with blood and comeOh fuck dudeNow it's like lady in the waterIt's going to where the magic worksYeah they just decide to have the babyAnd she's excited and he's excited
01:00:19And that's sort of somethingExcited for this week dudeWe'll see what happensThe last line is of the worst line of the episodeWhich is Billy typing on this enormouscomputer's likeDuggy Houser, eat your heart out.Move over, Dugie Houser.
01:00:33That's even worse.It's really awful because watching this in 2020,like, you're now making people do like compound memory work there.You're like, okay, dogy Houser, what the fuck.Oh, yeah, every episode ended with him writing in his fucking journal or whatever the fuck.All right.Yeah, okay.Thanks, Billy.
01:00:53That's great.So wait, is that a meta joke?Well, it's a, I mean, the show was on at the time.But like, it's acknowledging that it's about to end.No, no, he's just saying like, it's, well, what he's, oh, you're saying because the show, this episode of Melrose Place is ending. That's what you're saying.Yeah, I mean, it could be, yeah, it could be looked at his meta in that regard. He's like, uh-oh, the credits are coming up, Allison. Better get my sweet doogie line in now.Very smart. The other way to read it is just as stupid. Because the other way to read it is that he'scomparing himself to Dugge Houser, like he's a child at an adult's fucking profession.
01:01:35Either way, it makes no fucking sense.You're a grown man. You're not a kid doctor. What are you talking about?At least with Dugie Houser, though, he had more or less every right to be working in that hospital.Billy has no right to be trying to work as a writer.That's a good point.So that is the end of this episode.So we're going to do our classic Go Around the Horn if you're excited to continue this end orfinal parting shots will start as always with eric siska well um the one thing i noticed my
01:02:03big takeaway of this episode was there was a brief scene with billy with his taxi cab and on the radioit was referred to his car number 46 what happened to 54 which you know so it's a littleinachronistic there i'd like to think that he blew up his last taxi um but uh you know i'm i'mlukewarm i'm kind of i'm i'm kind of excited we'll see where our things go ifelt like this episode was one of the lesser onesof Melrose's place.So we'll just wait and see.We will. Christopher Cabin.
01:02:36Complete fucking trash.Can't wait.Can't wait to keep on going for the ride.Garbage in, garbage out.Never ending shit.Can't wait for next week.What a ringing endorsement.Andrew Jupid.
01:02:54Sorry, so I was taking a sip of beer here.Yeah.you know just like anything else manjust like we've we sawalso sort of recently onBeverly Hills and I know 210 as wellI mean look you got to fill these big season orderman's you can have some fucking duds
01:03:09here and there this is a duddit fucking sucks it's a weird likeyou know the more you know fuckingABC movie of the week kind of thingyeah which is a bummerbut you know me man I'm I'm whole hogfor the place dude I'll be back next weekI will say for all our complaining
01:03:25about um you knownot knowing too much aboutsome of these other side charactersthat are not Allison and Billy and Michael and Janenext week a little bit of a Ronda episodejust to throw that out there.Who's life does she ruin next week?We'll find out.
01:03:40Oh, that's right.Oh, Andrew, could you throw that out there?Actually, throw it out?Yeah, I similarly am excited hereas much as it can be for Melrose Place,especially early pre-Hether Lockley or Melrose Place.People just need to start fucking like,we need to get the, you know,
01:03:57the doors open, people fuckingin and out of these doors. That's what I want.A shot of butts going up and down.Exactly, Eric.Not just with the fucking, though, dude.I want the sinister plotting.Well, speaking of two episodes from now,lights and black candles because Malachi throne
01:04:14comes back.Yeah.It's his second and last episode, sadly.I love it.I do appreciate thatbecause, yes, it's a Billy-centric episodewhere we meet his parentsfor a long weekend kind of thing.
01:04:27and it's kind of greatthat they use the same charactersor the same actors from his nightmarea few episodes before itYeah, fucking MalachiYeah, dudeMalachi ThroneOkay, so that was
01:04:42Alston, you gotta help me banishMarikai ThroneGot to say a name six timesOh yeah, now say it backwardsWell, I recant the message from the bookThank you so muchfor sticking with usanother quarantine week here. We'll be back
01:04:59on Monday with the Beverly Hills9-0-2-0 episode. Asalways, thank you forstaying safe with us, supportingthe show. We've got a ton of great content on Patreon.We've got Nexus outthis week. A great one came out.We have our Gumby
01:05:14animation damnation. An episode onJohn Carpenter's motherfucking thing,a two-hour presentation for you.That's right, Ian.On the Gleep Glossary,Quigon, Jin. We go throughhis whole backstory and it is a lotof fun. Do not miss those Patreon
01:05:31offerings. You don't want to do thatbut we're going to be back on Monday for freewith a BH902and O, the kids are hitting this. I thinkwe're dealing with racerelations, I believe, and basketball.Oh, I believe this ishandled swimming. We haven't
01:05:47watched it yet but I'mgoing to get, I kind of rememberit being touch and go at best.So thank you so much.And until next time, I have been StephenSadak. Andrew Jopin.Eric Siska.Chris Gab.
01:05:59Take it easy and remain indoors.That was a hate gum podcast.
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