We Hate Movies - MELR0210 #11 - 90210 "One on One"

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

We kick off this week's MELR0210 episodes with a chat about the Beverly Hills, 90210 episode "One on One," which originally aired back on November 1st, 1990! This episode features Steve Sanders being racist, Brandon trying out for the basketball team and being racist, Brenda nearly running down Henry Winkler during Driver's Ed, Steve being racist again, Jim Walsh trying (and failing) to live vicariously through Brandon, Andrea almost blowing up her own spot, Brenda lying to the police ,and Steve being racist for a third time without being called out on it! PLUS: Is that really what Nat puts on a sandwich? MELR0210 is a new show we put together to help you pass the time during this necessary social distancing period. New episodes will air Mondays and Thursdays, right here on the main feed! So stay home, tune in, and yearn for the more innocent and sexy time of the 1990s! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Hello and welcome to another week. It's another week. It ain't ever going to stop. It ain't never going to stop. The 90210, Melro 2.0, it's a 902.0. Melrose plays sideshow from the We Hate Movies gang, Walston Quarantine, a quarantine side show.

Please say hello. Put on your sunscreen and remain indoors. Because we're going to be going inside some inside gymnasiums, kind of just seeing stuff around. I am joined, as always, with my best fucking friends, Chris Cabin. Hi, Eric Siska. Seeing stuff around. That's what we're doing in this episode. That's what we're doing.

And Andrew Juppin. Yo! That is right. We've got ourselves. This is a, this is the first time of many failed attempts of this show. trying to not be the whitest thing on television or trying to grapple with the fact that it's the whitest thing on television yikes man this is a fucking you know what this is a show about kids in high school i grade this episode f plus it is a bit extreme but at the same time it's like at least

they're trying to convey a message like this because i feel like tv shows now don't and that's why every 20 year old like knows the 14 words backwards and forwards i mean i think every every every show tries to do this something like this. Today, tomorrow next year, they have to do something like this. It just is so front forward in this episode. It is also

weird like the racial stuff especially when you get to Steve Sanders who we're going to talk about a lot in this episode he is a main cast member and in this episode he outs himself as a racist and never kind of comes back from that. No, he's fine with that. He's like an avowed racist in this

program. And he's just there. He's part of the gang. You know what I mean? My question to you, Andrew, because you just did this yesterday, you watched that 30 minutes of all of the 902NO cast, right? Oh man, way to fucking out my loser ass on the air. I don't give a shit, dude. Everybody needs to know this. That's true. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I tweeted this, but including a link to the video. Yes, I watch 25 minutes worth of Beverly Hills 90210. opening theme song edits. So not just like season to season, but every time even within seasons, they edited something for like another character or whatever. This maniac that put this fucking YouTube video together inserted that.

So I watched the opening theme to the show like fucking 25 to 30 times yesterday. Can I ask you a question? I know the answer, but I want to confirm it because I'm not totally sure. Uh-huh. You do not see a single black face on that, do you? Never a black cast member.

I'm almost positive, a full-on cast member. No, there are some people of color on the show in the opening credits. There's an Asian woman toward the end. That's right, Andrea's husband, Jesse shows up, who's Hispanic. Yes, okay, so I had no clue who that dude was because he's like a nobody actor. He comes around kind of around like season four. or something like that. This dude's inserted there very awkwardly. Mark L. Compos,

I believe his name is Campos. I think I'm right. You very well could be. I don't know. I don't remember. Yeah, as far as an African-American person, I don't think so. I have a question as well. For Andrew. Andrew, good buddy. When you meet God,

how will you defend yourself? Cabin, you know what? I don't even think I'm going to get the chance. When you meet the devil, how will you defend yourself? You watched 25 minutes of an opening theme song. I spend all this time making snuff films, and what are you doing watching YouTube clips?

Now, for eternity, you watch nothing but the 10th season of Beverly Hills. 9-0-2-1-0 on repeat. So, Chris, let me get this straight. So the devil's making snuff films, and he's mad that people aren't watching them? Yeah, he's like, I can't move these snuff films. I'm sorry, but that is a fucking Tom Wait song, if I ever heard one.

The devil's making snuff film. And nobody's watching them and he's mad. Yeah, he's dropping an organ in the background. Burn up. Devil's moving a piano. Mark D.S.

Spinoza played Jesse Vasquez. I was going to bring up also later on. There is the closest thing I think we ever come to, at least in the episodes that I've seen of a black cast member, Deshawn Hardell, who is a college basketball star in the college years. He's in 13 episodes, almost has a romance with Donna, and then they're like,

nah, son, not happening. Aaron Spelling came in and burned the studio down that day. Which episode is this, Steve? What episode? Oh, what we're talking about now? Yeah. Oh, this is one-on-one. Original air date, November the 1st, 1990.

Yeah, 11-1-9-0. Yes, so this is an episode where, in we start we start with a hilarious basketball montage i got a legit laugh in the first five minutes which is when they cut to jim walsh looking at her brandon making the shot and going oh yeah can i just can i tell you right now so chelsea's been saying like oh you know i want to watch these you know when you're watching them you know because she's curious so i was like okay so i finally remembered today so we had it on and the second that fucking james at cow's shot comes in the two of us were cackling at the television at like 11.30 this morning.

He's faded in the background too, but you can see that big fucking smile coming right through. And like, they're playing aerosmith in the background or some garbage. It's a fart guitar, dude, is outrageous. It's filler music. As always, which is a bummer. There is an Instagram feed you can find that restores songs to episodes. It's a little hard to navigate, but you can find, like, episodes. by episode what songs were cut in and cut out i saw someone tweeted at us about that and i was checking it

out and yeah that fucking instagram feed is all over the place like i thought i was going to be like you know like in order or whatever i mean they're obviously just doing the best they can and i do appreciate that shit same thing with like star trek uh here's what shit used to look like kind of a thing this thing also looks a bit like a uh beer commercial yeah it does so much of this show looks like a beer commercial totally uh yeah it's and then brenda comes down it's like uh we're gonna be late for school and i was like brenda shut the fuck up i'm watching your brother go away everybody fucking despises brenda in this episode did fucking rules nobody can nobody can fucking stand her it's rightfully so too yeah dude she has an outrageous claim at the end of this episode i almost

fucking hooked a boot at the tv uh so you know uh she She wants to, there's an A plot and a B plot. A plot is Brandon trying to get on the basketball team. B plot is Brenda trying to pass driver's training? Are we in Canada? What are we talking about? Drivers training? I mean, there's driver's ed courses in schools that sometimes happen.

I think they usually were like after school. No, but in America, we don't call them drivers training. We call it driver's ed. I've never heard driver's training. Maybe driver's ed was like trademarked. by the school like those two wretched sisters that

pulled the copyright on happy birthday those selfish ghosts this smells like Larry Cohen again Larry Cohen had it all over he's the one who said driver's education first he just so what you're claiming Chris this month and I will say this month

because you're saying it every week which I love is that he Larry Cohen just came to the copyright office with a briefcase full of money and said what do you got I'll take Driver's Ed, the Hollywood side, faded haircuts, copter shots of New York City. Underwear, too, just all of it. You can't say underwear unless you're giving Larry Cohen a cut.

And then boxers were invented. How else am I supposed to make something like God told me to? I got to take every little thing I got, all right? Oh, man, I wish God told me to came to 902 and O. started fucking lighting these kids up absolutely dude especially that piece of shit steve sanders so we get to school and you know um you know brenda's like i can't wait to start driver's ed blah blah that's her thing uh brandon is going to try out for the basketball team and so is steve steve sanders is and yeah they're just like on the bench watching the first thing

he's walking with and she's like oh are you going to cover the basketball try i'm going to be in And she's like, aren't you a little short for that? Which I was like, fucking finally somebody said it. Elicited another huge laugh from Chelsea. He is a little guy. He's a tiny man. He's a handsome little man, but he's a tiny dude. So they, you know, we're at the tryouts now.

Steve, I guess, was on JV and like was sort of promised to slot on the varsity team. Dude, he is doing the fucking thing that, you know, And I dabbled in sports in high school. I wasn't that good, really. But I was there here and there. And he's the worst fucker in that kind of situation, which is the guy who's like, oh, I'm so good. I had this private conversation with the coach

where he basically assured me. All I have to do is show up and I'm on the team. And I'm like, fucking fuck you, Steve Sanders. You fucking be mulleted piece of shit. and soon to be outed racist. Yeah, at this point, I was kind of like, I mean, he's a baby, of course, but like he's not a real piece of, oh.

Dude, it turns on a dime in this episode. I almost wasn't ready for it. It's irredeemable. Like, you can't do this to one of your main characters. You got to bring somebody else in to be this antagonist. Exactly, dude, special guest star fucking so-and-so. Let that dude take the heat. Or at least make Scott do it.

only got weeks to live that's true like how do you yeah how do you take this character back like after it's saying what steve sanders says in this fucking episode people should be dunking on him for the rest of the series he should be like a villain yeah absolutely and like fucking you should have this be a part too where the second part is only them dealing with steve's racism and trying to get it off special guest star cindy potier stops by to fucking teach steve the shit fucking stop. Dude, it's the next episode next week on Beverly Hills 90210. It's our new episode entitled

Community Meetings. Well, Steve, seems you need to shut up. But I thought this was community meetings with a K, you know? Yet again, Steve, shut up. Now, Steve SADAC, not racist. Thank you. Steve Sanders, racist. You got these double Ss in here.

It's true. Just want to make sure I'm enunciated. and articulating correctly here. Now, Steve Sadek, I ask you this, because I know from, obviously, my watching of Melrose's place, and also growing up with my mother having, like, daytime soap operas on TV constantly. Like, I could still probably tell you a little bit about the young and the restless, if I really thought about it. Does 90210 dip into, just thinking about Steve Sanders' avowed racism here that he doesn't repent for, does this show go on to have, like, heels among the main? cast? Are there periods of the show

where you're like, that fucking David is a son of a bitch? That doesn't happen full on. It's a lot of guest stars with longer arcs come in as quote unquote bad guys. Emily Valentine a fucking all-star maniac girlfriend of Branden's in season two. I cannot wait for season two.

We're going to get there. Don't worry. We fucking will, my friend. But when Tiffany Abertheson comes on in season five when Brenda leaves the show, Then she is like the bad girl, the villain, the full on, like we're soap opering. But it takes them a while to get there. Gotcha.

Because I was curious about that with Steve Sanders, because I was like, I could settle into a warm bath week in and week out if the show is actively telling me that this guy's a piece of shit. Exactly. But I mean, again, they don't have a handle on any of these characters yet. Like, I think that there were like Steve villain question mark. And like, it doesn't really fit because again, like they're trying to make him a character. and they go to great lengths to make him sympathetic within this season. So Steve is trying out. He's not very good.

Brandon's got that white guy hustle, you know? He just works harder than everybody else, you know? Oh, yeah, dude. He's up at dawn, working hard. Well, Brandon, you're our participation forward. Oh, power forward. No, no. Participation forward. It is fantastic.

because it's like like you know Steve Steve fucking bombs out and then like Brandon gets gets called out he was not sure and Steve is already like hey look at those guys over there you see all them they're all brought in from outside the school district to just for a free ride and they don't even go to classes it's suddenly it's suddenly the dinner scene from American history acts of like what the fuck it's the dinner scene it turns into the basketball scene later, dude. All you're missing is fat fucking fucking Ethan

Sopley, bouncing a basketball. Oh, my God. Yeah, you know, if there was ever a movie that didn't need a basketball scene, it's fucking American History X. But I mean, actually, like, Steve even goes on to, like, spout out, like, the Larry Bird shit that they talk about in that movie. You know what I mean?

Like, which is very fascinating. So, you know, like, Brandon gets off, gets on the court. He does some, like, he gets a couple of steals. He's like, he's hustling really hard and the coach likes that. Specifically, a couple of steals from Steve Sanders. Yes. Which was pretty choice, I have to say.

Well, because Steve also echoes, like, aren't you a little too short for the basketball team? And like, you know. Meanwhile, fuck you, Steve Sanders. You're like three inches taller than he is. So blah, blah, blah, blah. The first cut is made. Steve gets cut. Brandon doesn't.

And then Steve is all pissed off. And this is when he really gets in it. And they don't even go to class and blah, blah, blah. It's a special program for my. minorities, Brandon. Dude, him talking about this program like it's the fucking deep state. Holy shit, this kid's ingrained racist paranoia. It is fantastic.

It's one of these things where, like, you need to make this clear by the end of the episode that this is not happening, but they actually don't. Nope. Which is a problem. Well, they specify that it didn't happen for like one individual. but the rest of them may be exactly who knows and also like this high school i mean i know that that happens in in college obviously not not that exactly but like you recruit kids from all over to get you know to get to get a good college athlete in there and maybe they don't go to class and maybe they don't do all the all the all the homework yeah i mean most of us i've seen he got game

yeah but like what the fuck doesn't matter because like you got universities like harvard that like curve their grades up you know like it's all bullshit it's all horse shit anyway and yes to your point oh but also like the in high school we're doing this just to beat beverly high because steve even goes on to say like you know why we always beat beverly high brandon because they play by the rules and we don't i'm like am i watching blue fucking chips right now it's kind of insane and also i'm sitting here like you know for the the rest of these episodes that we've watched so far not once have i gotten a whiff of like oh west beverly high is a school that cares about athletics

to that degree. Like when you hear about that shit on a couple of seasons of like Friday Night Lights where they're like taking kids out of districts and stuff when it's like scandalous and whatever. I believe that because it's Texas football and those people are fucking crazy with that stuff. Sure. But like

fucking the Beverly Hills High School cares this much about basketball. Well they do in this episode because it's written from that like maybe unconscious of bias but like it's like oh we're going to do an episode about race relations. I don't know. Basketball?

Yeah, exactly. Totally. On the other hand of all that, I would fucking love to see Brendan have to deal with Nick Nolty coach. I would fucking love that. Dude, you're totally right, Kevin. A big problem with this episode is that

the coach is like a nothing character. This guy's got no fucking taint. Soggy noodle, man. Coach Riley, I need some action from this guy. I need less... You get out there, Walsh! Mother fucking ass Shanders your brick in it

I need less of this fucking Beverly Hills Coach Riley and I need some fucking coach Pat Riley Steve you know what I'm saying Oh totally I mean not a mistake That they named this coach Riley by the way It's a bit of a wink Also you gotta be If you're Douglas Emerson

Poor Scott Scanlan The scripts are going around We're doing the table reading it's like Oh wow a basketball episode One thing I know about Scott He loves basketball It's like, nah, dude, you got like three lines in the fucking computer lab. That's it.

Eat shit. And talk about a missed opportunity, man. Scott could have been the fucking water boy. Exactly. And or like, oh, you want to know about James Worthy and Magic Johnson? They're on my shirt. Just read my shirt. They're here in cartoon form on my t-shirt.

We do get robotics class a little bit more. We spend an awful lot. a lot of time in this robotics lab, don't we? Absolutely. We finally got a fucking teacher for this episode. Missy Mato and, you know, everybody's handing in their assignments. This dude, James, who

kind of shows up Brandon on the court a little bit, but like respects him, shows up a little late to class, and she's like, oh, do you have your assignment James? And he's like, oh, can I get it to you on Monday? And Brandon's like, maybe my racist friend is right. It's a

conspiracy. And then he goes up to It's the most like tone-deaf Brandon bullshit You'll ever see in your life He goes up to Andrea and he's like Hey Andre, do you know That all these students are coming from out of district And getting free rides at West Beverly

And she's like Brandon, you know two things about me A I want your dick and B I'm from out of district Could you fucking back off a little bit? Absolutely dude And what was crazy about that Is like they are in the newspaper office And she says this at regular

room volume and I was like hey Andrea that's secret that you desperately need to keep how about you try keeping it a little better lady but see this this just proves it man the media's trying to squash the truth yet again and she winds up she winds up taking the story

even though she wants that fucking Brandon Walsh D dude dribbling over here I just wouldn't be fucking I wouldn't be shaking any trees Andrea you know what I mean like Oh, let's look at everybody's from out of jurisdiction.

Interesting. So whatever. Brenda's thing is she's going to drive as she's a terrible driver. There's this dude that's an amazing beard to beat the fucking band as the driver, driving a teacher. I quickly want to mention, I think this might be before this, where she

envisions herself as a NASCAR driver. Yep. Man. It is dumb as donkey dick. In a pink car. Yeah. She envisions herself as a NASCAR driver, but when this girl drives, it's more like Nas can't.

There you go. You know, this is what you're going to get today. I'm in, I don't know. I'm in the funk. That is a fucking technical foul. I'm going to be on the bench for the rest of this.

I'm going to do it laps. NAS can't. Nas can't. Oh, great. Just goes back. Anybody want more puns? I love her doing the like super slow driving in the parking lot around the cones. You know, that really took me back.

But dude, fucking seatbelts, everybody. Seat belts. No one in this car is wearing seatbelts. I'm like, this is a terrible driving instructor. And even later in the episode, when Brandon lectures her about running out a gas, he says, the first thing you get you do when you get in the car, you put your seatbelt on, you look at the gas gauge. So the show acknowledges seatbelt.

should be on. They're just not. That's, I mean, you know, nobody looks good in a seatbelt. We all agree. Yeah, you're trying to film people in a car and whatever. But like, just put that fucking seatbelt on, man. I don't like even, like, moving my car to a different parking space unless I have a seatbelt on. Like, I feel 100% uncomfortable being in the driver's seat without a seatbelt on. And it's

crazy to me that people can actually, like, get out on the fucking road without wearing a seatbelt. Here's the thing about this is the problem is that she was told to do that by Brendan. And you do the opposite of whatever Brendan says, because he's a piece of shit and should not be

talking to you about anything. That's my feeling on the second. Well, Brandon told me I shouldn't be drinking this bleach, so... I'm going to do it. It might work. Who knows? Give it a try. Whether you have to lose.

inject that bleach. Just do it. There is the brand and impersonation I've been waiting for. That's the correct one. They should be shutting down out of district people coming in here

playing a white man's game. We're closing the borders of West Beverly High. Steve Sanders should be on the basketball team folks, okay? Andrew, I would give you my dick but you're a dog. Also, you're a little, you're a little, what's the word?

Oh, yeah, Jewish. Also, you know, this is coming out of Monday, so it's not going to be way out of date. This whole idea of like, let's just see what happens with UV light and the bloodstream. That's how you make fucking vampires, my friend. That's how you accidentally make vampires. Oh, no, I've accidentally created an army of the other.

I'll take vampires at this point. I'm cool with it. All right. At least that way, you'd be invincible to all this shit. Oh, by the way, just glance at my notes. Steve Sanders also has a line that he roots for the Celtics because us Irish have to stick together. This is the crazy.

It's the next day, whatever, Brandon and Steve, Steve's like, oh, man, he's also like just rubbing it in Brandon's face. Like, oh, man, had an extra chick to the Laker Celtics game. Didn't take you. And he's like, okay, cool. He's like, yeah, man, I was rooting for the Celtics. But you're from L.A., and he's like, us Irish guys. got to stick together.

Because it's not just that, though. He's talking about, like, how great Larry Bird was. Yeah. And, yeah, Kevin McHale. And you're just like, oh, oh. Well, that's the thing. Because anybody whose favorite basketball player is Larry Bird, and they're not from either Indiana or Boston.

You've got to bucket look out, dude. You've really got to look out. You've got to look both ways when you cross that person, friend. Steve, why are you only talking about, Larry Bird. Why aren't you talking about the other players on the team? Well, you see, they're blase. Blaise about things. I'm reminded, just speaking of Kevin

McHale really quickly and the Celtics of that era, there are two separate episodes where Kevin McHale guest stars on Cheers. And I have to say, as far as athlete actors goes, he's terrible. Well, so is Larry Bird. Do you remember Space Jam? I do.

I do. I just, that's a more memorable one. Hey, Michael, why do you're going to do these lunatic? Aren't we going to play some golf or something, Michael? You're just hanging out with all them looney tunes. Do you hear the words that are coming out in my mouth? Look at that. Let's get a picture.

It's Foghorn, Leghorn, and Larry Bird. I'm saying words, right? Oh, man, the whole bird's thing, I made me think like Elmer Fudd should, like, shoot Larry Bird in the face. And his mouth goes spinning around his head, and his stuff up, I hope you know this made more. Yeah, then suddenly Larry Bird is covered in soot and Steve Sanders doesn't like him anymore.

So, and also we should say that Brandon is really going after the basketball, team because Jim Walsh wants him to and he's a perpetual daddy's boy and it is really something with the and like and fucking Jim Walsh dude he pretends to not understand like the pressure he's putting on this kid get at it down this maniac has

to be stopped. I'm sorry this motherfucker is on my last fucking nerve dude he's worse than the Terminator man it's unbelievable Jim Walsh yes oh my god he's got a Trumpian lines in this too he's like Brandon winning is a state of mind you've read

Bobby Knight's book Brandon comes home It's like You got homework this weekend Bobby Knight put on a new book It's about winning Book report Do at 7 a.m. Mr.

Brandon, I cannot believe You went to the Staples Center To watch a basketball game And you didn't wear a tie Now I'm going to slap you in the face In front of people but yeah he's like he it's very albundee ask wherein he was on his basketball team back in st paul minneapolis and whatever else it was like fucking st paul minneapolis what they keep saying st paul in

this episode it's like the twin cities right it's right next it's like across a river yeah never been never had the pleasure no minnesota minnesota uh and how he used to like he he won the he hit the game winning shot and brandon I swear to God, even fucking your mother isn't that good. Something also Al Bundy said from time to time. Well, I could have told you that, dad. Extreme tab. It's really uncomfortable because, like, Kelly comes over for dinner

because, like, in this episode, Kelly and Brenda are friends again. And, like, they're sitting there and, like, it's just this whole speech about, and this is the Bobby Knight's book thing. And it's like, you got to win, Brandon, win, win, win. And then, like, Brenda is like, yeah, hi, I had a good day too. I'm going upstairs now. And, like, Cindy Wall's like, yeah, bye. Kelly is interesting to me in this episode because she does all this stuff to try to

piss Steve off because they're exes, when all she really has to do is tell everybody what he said after they saw she's got to have it. And that's the fucking it. And that's fucking it. We're over. You know what, man, something tells me Steve Sanders and Kelly. Taylor did not go out to the theater to see she's got to have it. Kelly dragged

him, I think she was really into it and she was like, you're coming with me. Oh, so it's about a chickas got to have it. I like where this is... Oh, no. I do appreciate Kelly Taylor in this episode because it is... Brandon, Brandon,

black people don't direct movies. They direct joints. I'm Steve Sanders. I do appreciate Kelly Taylor in this episode because it is, a mode of Kelly Taylor that I find interesting

which is Kelly Taylor quietly horny Oh totally dude because she is like and this is again the thing about Brendan and Brandon

and Brandon having these connected bathrooms is Kelly is in the bathroom and then she hears like a commotion coming from Brandon's room and she sort of sneaks in

and it's Brandon like you know just doing he's alone in his room he's fucking tossing laundry into the laundry bin pretending he's playing for the Lakers or whatever. He's shooting alone. He's about to

afterwards. But she's like spying on him and she's like, yeah, say that Brandon Walsh. Never noticed him before. Better stay here and be silently horny. Silently horny sounds like a Ron Silver movie from 1993. Absolutely.

Direct to video. Ron Silver and Lolita Divinovich are silently horny. I'm horny at my house. There's a horny ninja trying to break in. Horny Time Machine. It takes you back in time to when you were the most horny.

Look, I have to defend Klaus von Bulow, but I'm really fucking horny the whole time. That's right, Charlie Sheen. There's an alien conspiracy. And guess what? We're horny. See, legs going backwards. It's kind of my thing. makes me horny

President Josiah Bartlett I have to tell you this is how you should win Minnesota but I'm going to tell you I'm incredibly horner just incredibly horny just incredibly horny lay off the fucking candy bars

so don't make you horny RIP by the way so yeah like that's that scene so Kelly is like oh by the way Brenda I've got this great double date a blind date double date coming up you got to come out tomorrow we're going to go to the Janet Jackson concert

they're going to rent a limer and they're like, well, sorry, Kelly. Brandon can do whatever the fuck he wants, but I have to stay here and milk the cows tomorrow. I apologize. I'm not allowed to go out Monday through Thursday. Meanwhile, Brandon's going, God knows where hanging out with Nat.

Well, but she's also like, no, I don't want to go on this fucking blind date, Kelly. What do you think I am? I don't know, see Janet Jackson. That's pretty great. Yeah. I mean, fucking Kelly was not allowed to see Janet Jackson while she was dating Steve.

finally she wants to be part of the rhythm nation come on killie i got jethro toll tickets it has one of the surviving members so like that's kind of like her setup and uh meanwhile brandon is really pushing this bad story angle about like sue and the thing is like guess what brandon if people if that's what the school is doing that's what the school is doing you and the west beverly blaze aren't going to blow their

shit up. But that's why it's always so dumb to be, like, that serious into a high school newspaper, because, like, I'm sure the fucking school, like, sees whatever they do before they publish it. Exactly. So it's, like, principal, whatever, is going to be like, yeah, that's cut. Like, that's, that's definitely a cut story, Andrea. Right. Don't you fucking put the cafeteria menu for the month in here again? Steve, I do have to ask, does the principal and his horny doings with the Spanish teacher ever come back? No. I mean, maybe that principal comes

back at some point, but eventually you get another principal who's a woman Is the teacher still around? No, no, no, no. So she's dead in a trunk somewhere and that principal's fleeing the authorities. That was a murder-suicide, Eric. It's good to laugh

in these trying times. So he goes up to this James guy, like again like you have no authority to ask these questions goes up to it's like hey so i hear you don't even have a great point average what the fuck's that about james because after like the second round of tryouts uh james actually pulls a charge on him or something like that like some rough basketball maneuver and like j and james totally nice guy uh this actor uh his name is uh tico wells who i found out was the fifth heartbeat in the five heartbeats the lesser known one um that's

this big claim of him. But anyways, he winds up, he goes up to Brandon really nicely. He's like, hey man, sorry, got a little aggressive out there. He's like, that's fine. By the way, should you even be at this school? Also, he's acting by the way, on bad intel from Andrea. Yes. Yeah, that has to

be noted because she's like, I went down to that office and I asked, and nobody's heard of this guy and there's no numbers and whatever. I'm like, there's a reason for it, kind of. and she just totally whiffs on this. Not saying that what Brandon does is right, but he's acting on bad intel from Andrea. Kind of like the Iraq War.

Just a little bit. Well, Andrea said that there's WMDs we got to go find. Look, we got this information straight from Andrea. Okay, she runs the newspaper on 90210. Great thing about Iraq was it was another invisible enemy, right? It's true. Look, there are known racism. unknown racism and known

own known racism there's all kinds the known knowns of racism dude absolutely so whatever he kind of choose Brandon out here it's oh it's because I'm black

he's like no it's not because yeah I kind of walks away Brenda it's the night before the big trials Brandon takes his bike to work I guess question mark why would you do that exercise sure Maybe parking around the peach pit's kind of tough, and you better believe Nat is not validating or helping out with parking fees.

I love the Nat scene here where it's just like, yeah, I'm an annoyance anyways. Yeah, here's, yeah, Brandon, I got to keep you after work late, because I'm going to teach you how to make a sandwich. It's so funny. He's like, now you see, the sandwich innards go in the sandwich. You know, no, the bread goes on the outside. Now, lettuce, you can use as much of that as you want, as long as it's crisp. First of all, false. And also, mayonnaise, Brandon? Oh, this mayonnaise, she's a tricky mistress.

You don't want to put too much on, but you need just enough of her. Okay, Brandon, I know you're a fucking stupid baby. So here's how you make a sandwich, you stupid baby. So, Brandon, you want to stay afterwards and we'll talk about mayonnaise? That's one way to put it, Nat. You and me could make something that looks a little like mayonnaise. you know what I'm saying and he's like

Nat I got to get out of here you're boring the shit out of me see you next week Matt maybe well he's got to sleep he's got to sleep you know he's got to rest up you know he's got the big what is it audition trial what is like try out

try out meanwhile Brenda is fucking up yet again because Kelly calls her she's like oh the guy I was with got totally drunk vomited Janet Jackson didn't even show up you've got to pick me up and she's like well that doesn't make any sense at all because i don't have a driver's

like yeah but you can still drive it's fine right no the answer is absolutely no so she winds up going anyway because she's an idiot and she does not check the gas and oops uh brandon's car mondale by the way the car's got name oh yeah minneapolis hero dude is it a surprise that mondale ran out of gas It does make complete sense that Brandon Walsh would name his car after a fucking loser You're not wrong

The Jim Walsh is driving around Of the Dukakis The new Dukakis is out I have to say though I thought this episode was going to take a little bit of a different turn because you see Kelly calling her and also this is hilarious because I guess the idea is Janet Jackson's playing like a small like private club concert or something because this is not like at an arena this is like Kelly's like standing behind

like an alley on this pay phone and she keeps saying like oh we got to you know they're calling the club by whatever its name is and it's just like it's just like it's It's not the whatever arena. So I'm like, okay, private show, whatever. But I thought when they cut to Brenda, like she's got headphones on, she's got a walkman playing. First of all, guaranteed in the original broadcast for this show, that's a Janet Jackson song. Oh, for sure. Yeah, absolutely.

But I thought because she had the headphones on, she wasn't going to hear the fucking phone ringing and not get Kelly's call. And then the episode was going to be something about like Kelly gets into some fucking hijinks trying to get back from this concert. yeah that makes sense would have been a little more of a better rounded episode again this is two weeks in a row we've got fucking Walsh fever on this show but so Kelly

quick question now did the driver's ed like car crash thing happened before this or is it after we got to talk about this because Brenda is driving the car out with the driving instructor and gets into an automobile accident because they see

Henry Winkler amazing it's so fucking fun and if you're the driving instructor he kind of sets her up for failure here he's like she's driving he's like is that Henry Winkler of course she's going to turn

you can't not you fucking tell me Arthur Fonzarelli's right there dude I am looking my eyes are going off the road isn't it suggested that she runs him over well they

Henry Winkler is good she does cabin you're right I'm confused Tough news out of Beverly Hills tonight. Henry Winkler is dead. Danny Mott's is going to be sworn in. Anyone try hitting the side of Henry Winkler? Maybe I'll work again.

Wow. No, what I was trying to say was, Cabin, I think you're right, because later in the episode, she has some mention of like blah blah blah before i hit henry winkler and i was like that's not what the scene tells you while it's happening because the dude is like oh look over there is that henry winkler and they zoom in a they zoom in on another car so i was like she she hit another car right that's what i thought she just she wasn't paying attention going through the intersection she hit a car yeah but if henry winkler himself is in bodily danger i need him to guest on the episode i'm sorry You can't be dropping Winklers without showing them

Not for nothing too This is a fucking pre-arrested development Henry Winkler You can afford it Well I think that's what it was It was like a punch line Like a joke like oh He sucks kind of thing Right like Brandon should name his car

To the Henry Winkler So Brenda runs out of gas She goes to this gas station It looks like exactly like The gas station in that John Carpenter Anthology movie body bags a little bit Yeah

does it actually I was going to say also looks that's a fucking great segment of that movie by the way it's the only good one unfortunately but it's also looking kind of like the mysterious gas station at the end of Halloween 3 speaking of John Carpenter projects where what's his name runs to the gas

station like at the end of the end of he's telling them to it sort of reminded me of that just like a gas station in the middle of the nowhere and it's like darkness around the entire frame except for the light of this gas station Halloween 3 one that is the second best turn it off into the maze

what's the first one hardcore yeah of course georcy scott he wins fucking award this is such an eerie gas station attendant too because he's so agreeable and odd and i keep expecting him to like kidnap her and take her to like a bunker somewhere but it doesn't happen what lesson are you teaching i mean like yes if you're in trouble

you should go find somebody you should go to a fucking pay phone and call home that's a lesson but instead of surly work yeah but instead of surly workman goes things happen you know yeah all right things happen you ran out of gas well things happen oh where's your car I'll take you you know things happen why did you get into my car oh we'll find it

oh you're supposed to turn right I know I know where I'm going it's a shortcut yeah it's seen a death proof when Kurt Russell's like well you know the odds were you could have been going left or right and I'm going right you could have been going right as well but now since you're going left, you're going to have to get scared right now.

Man, I'm due for a rewatch on that. It's great. I watched it and the Grindhouse version, like, back to back. Ooh. Yeah, man. I haven't watched Grindhouse in a long time. I've watched the, I think, right around when once upon a time came out, I rewatched the full death proof, which is the longer cut is superior, for sure.

I've never seen the full cut, actually. I only saw it and Planet Terra. that time we went and saw the grindhouse presentation. Did you guys see, speaking of that, there was a thing with QT that just came out like the other day? And we're talking, so record date of this episode, February, April 24th, 2020. There was some recent thing with QT where he was like, yeah, that whole thing with the Grindhouse presentation was a disaster.

I really, really underestimated America's disinterest in Grindhouse cinema. And I was like, no kidding. you know what man learn from your mistakes yeah no it was just hilarious I was like dude that was like fucking 15 years yeah someone's just asking him about grind house now it was very weird

but I do think death proof is great and you should check out that full cut because when I was rewatching it with the grind house connection which was great because you get the middle trailers and stuff but uh it cuts out a lot of that movie is it significantly longer the actual cut of it's like a 90 minute

movie almost or yeah it's still a shortest movie because all of his movies two and a half hours but yeah it's like a full 90 minute film it's at least 10 to 20 minutes longer

yeah oh that's cool all right yeah I'm definitely down I know I've said this on the air multiple times but I've got this

quarantine time now man I gotta watch death truth what one of his low key better soundtracks too also yes oh interesting

I remember none of the music so that'll be cool so whatever Brandon goes to the library to study and this is when he meets up he sees James and he's like

I cannot believe this kid's in my library so he goes up to him he's like hey man answer my questions west beverly blaze and he's like what do you do into this school you fucking phony and no it's not a black thing it's a student thing and he's like get out fucking right you little twerp dude it's awesome this guy james fucking takes this kid to task and honestly i came i straight up came just watching this dude fucking give brandon the business that he has coming putting him in his place something no one else has done on this show yet well done well done james yeah his thing is like oh my dad works for the city so i'm allowed to go here and

i used to go to school in inglewood but my parents wanted me to go here so like i'm i'm trying to catch up because everything's very different and blah blah blah and he's like oh wow just like me in minnesota i guess maybe we could have been friends if i wasn't such a horrible monster. Curse that full moon. So he winds up, he has a lot to chew on, he goes home, finds out his, Mondale has

been stolen because we didn't finish this when Brenda goes to the gas station. The nice gas station guy drives her, the car is missing, oops. They come back, this hilarious detective is at the Walsh House. This poor guy, dude. Man, Hank fucking jalopy.

Detective Hank Jaloppy. Wow. What are the odds, dude? Detective Jaloppy working in the stolen car division. Hank Jaloppy Car Police. That's a television show that would get the first half of the first season aired that I would watch. I believe on our Gone in 60 Seconds episode, we talked about the car police. Yes. Oh, of course, the car cops. Picked up this Porsche for B&E. He's arresting cars.

All right, put your tires behind your back. Thank you. All right, Corvette, you killed that innocent woman in the crosswalk. It's the chop shop for you, buddy. Time to give Madar the Ethel Rosenbergs. Oh, no, I'm a spy. Hey, cool, I'm getting executed. Hank, you were fired three years ago.

I'm going to get him. So he's, you know, Brenda pretends that the car was stolen from driveway and that brandon uh and he's like oh yeah you know this happens all the time they just want the engine is like but mondale's a piece of junk i guess the engine is good and then jim walsh's like you know what brandon if you get into maybe i'll get you a new car if you get on the basketball team and this is when he finally brandon gives jim walsh's do but it's not good enough because it's coming from brandon and brandon sucks anyway it's alien versus predator here man you know what steve i will take it though, dude, because

of the fucking heartbreak in James Eckhouse's face when Jim Walsh realizes what he has been doing to this kid I was like, you know what? That's more than enough for now. See, you're more forgiving. I wanted Cindy to take out a gun and shoot him. Well, Cabin,

see, here's the thing, dude. I think the thing about it is my expectations for this program are realistic. No, no, no, no, no. You're in the fucking clouds, dude. Come on. But I want that. But I want that, so I'm going to say I want it. I love, so there's this big blow out like, Dad, you don't even, you're trying to make me into what you want. I want to live my own life, blah, blah, blah,

and meanwhile, Hank Jalapi is just sitting at the table. Like, uh, show, are we done with the interview? Um, I think I got all I need here. Yeah, if there are, uh, any more details you remember after I leave immediately, uh, here's my card. You know, it is, uh, customary to put out, uh, something to snack on I'm not telling you what your business is You do realize I'm a character in this Not studio audience like All right fine All right fine detective

Jalapi I'll go in the kitchen and make you sandwich the way I learned from my boss A ton of lettuce and a little bit of mayonnaise Oh and that's your sandwich Oh you got yourself a gnatwich there I love those Natwich I got hooked on those

I had to kick the habit too much mayonnaise Got hooked on those back at the service. Would you believe that one day I caught myself eating mayonnaise out of the jar with a spoon? Dude, I have an uncle that used to do that. Yep, horrifying. Another thing that's fucking great about Hank Jalopy in this scene is the way they frame

the shot of James At Couse and Brandon Priestley yelling at each other. Fucking Jaloppy is like right in the middle of the frame like in the background and like they're in the foreground and yelling at each other. And then you just look between them and he's just like,

this is awkward. Yeah, yeah. I got all the details I need. Thank you very much. Thank you. So the next day, Brandon's like, I'm not even sure if I'm going to try out for the team.

Dad, I've learned some things about things. But the next day he shows up at the gym and James is his character, the kid that he's been getting into it with, is shooting around, a little early I was like wow I didn't know I was I thought I was going to be the only one here because I'm a white hard working kid you know yeah meanwhile this kid he's at the gym like by seven of the morning working on on his performance he's at the library late at night and then you get Brandon walking in saying he's not working hard enough it's crazy exactly it's a total fucking it's it's your standard Brandon Walsh horseshit so then he's like you know I think we both said some stuff last night there were where uh we're gonna take back and I was like yeah dude it's fucking ridiculous Steve thank you for pointing that out because the way he phrases that shit is I was thinking a lot about what was said in the library last time I was like you fucking turd it was all you motherfucker was all the shit coming out of your mouth man so I was thinking maybe I shouldn't have said Heil Hitler and you shouldn't have said that you were an actual person well he does say like I think even, because Brandon's like, yeah, you know,

we didn't have a lot of race relations back in Minnesota. It's insane, dude. Race relations wasn't something I thought about back in Minnesota. Oh, that's great to hear. Yeah, so you didn't have a television there in Minnesota? Newspaper. Newsweek? You didn't get a news week, did you?

I mean, I guess at least this show is trying to frame, like, hey, you know, white kids can be shitty. You know, at least it's that. But then it ends with, like, I think he says something, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, like. James is like, yeah, you know, this, that, and the other thing, something cowboy, is like, well, you know what, James, I'm not a cowboy, I'm not a cowboy, and you're not a gangbanger crackhead. I think, yep, his exact line is, I'm not a cowboy, it's like, okay, all right, all right, and you, you're not a gangbanger crack head. So I guess we both learned something. Oh, man, Brandon. It's almost like I didn't tame the West and you didn't sell crack.

and then it's like you want to play a game of one-on-one absolutely before we wrap up we're going to really mention real quick they do find that car it was just they were they brought they towed it to the impound lot and they bring it back and it's just like there's your fucking car yeah yeah but what is not addressed here is that brenda has essentially filed the false police report absolutely she fucking wasted uh detective jalopy's time this motherfucker was under the impression that this car was stolen and then he's like

he's like yeah well thank God Phi Beta Kappa didn't get their hands on it or like whatever the fuck they just left it in the middle of the road The Walsh's oh that impound lot fees that they're not paying and I'm pretty sure if James Townsend made a false police department

false police report he'd have a little bit of a problem Brendan Walsh not so much absolutely even to the extent where the cop is like and here's your keys back they even left the keys in it And fucking Kathy, Kathy, is that her name? Cindy, Cindy. Cindy Walsh is like, Brenda, hey, aren't those your keys?

And it frees frames on like, and I'm like, no, she's fucking lied to the police department, Cindy. You've got to be getting mad at this girl right now. Mrs. Walsh, I wouldn't hold out much hope for the credence tapes. I don't know if they're ever going to come back. I'll be honest with you. We got two detectives on the case. Got them working in shifts.

Yeah, some bums, they pissed and shit in the backseat. It's going to take a little bit to get that out. But like those improv lots, those impound lots, they're expensive, just like the improv lots. I was once apprehended for driving without insurance, and they took the car, and it was $120 a day in upstate New York. and couldn't get it could you can't find that money fast so suddenly you owe a thousand that's my life story i i really have to bring up the last scene with brenda and this driving instructor so there's been this whole drama between these two for the whole episode we didn't talk about because it's boring as shit yes um but at the end like she's gonna she flunked out of

like two driving tests essentially uh and then she's like but i'm ready now and I've got something playing. I got something. I got to show you. And I'm sorry, the look she's giving. It looks like she's like, I'm going to fuck you if you give me my permit. Is that right?

This guy's ready to... Chris Cabin is correct, because I actually have in my notes, I'm like, did she fuck this teacher to pass? 100%. She has this look at like, I got something for you, a blow job. Oh, wow.

You think this dude's ready to risk it all? Uh-huh. Look at the guy. She does like her eyebrows, like the little, like, sexy eyes. And then she moves her. mouth around and it's like, what is happening here? But at the same time,

I don't know that this teacher is willing to risk it all, Steve, because he is essentially telling her to drop out of drivers that. He's like, you know, there's other ways you can get places, like walking, which is a great line. Yeah, that's what he says, that's what he says until she starts doing sexy eyes

and then he's like, well, I guess she would fill up that tank together, Brenda. The show cuts after that. Like, she does that move and then cut, and we never see it again. Chris is absolutely correct. I think there was some type of sexual behavior that happened between these two. Now, Brenda, I couldn't possibly have sex with you, but would you like to split a Nat Witch with me?

You know what I mean? Brenda's realization about why she's bad at driving is also an insane exchange. Because she's like, it's, it's, you're now the quintessential, Brandon and Brenda have to have a scene where they're just like in one of their bedrooms talking about what's going on. on in the episode. And they're talking about this and she's like oh Brandon, I just got it. Remember when we were kids and Mrs. So-and-so drove her car into a tree

and we had to see her that whole summer and she was in a body cast the whole time or whatever it is? She's like, that's it. That's why I'm bad at driving. That's why I'm great at everything I do except for driving is what she says. And I just wrote come on. I mean this whole Brenda subplot fell

in the garbage and someone picked it up And I was like, that's the episode, man. Like, we got this, we're doing basketball for Brandon and Brenda, I don't know, driving. In an episode where we have David Silver for two seconds telling Steve Sanders that he had the flu and nobody cares. And not for nothing. Again, completely Dylanless episode. Yes, big problem. He's coming back next week.

I already checked. No, no, no, no, no. Just dust it off and pair it with a racist storyline. It's so good. we should say the last bit of the racist storyline is Brandon doesn't get on the team he's like an altered it or something like that on the B team or something and like

one of the other guys not James goes up to Brandon is like hey man looking good or something like I'll see you live in good Minnesota that's right and then Steve Sanders goes up to Brandon in the last one of his last line of the episode letting you know he's learned nothing and he is a despicable person he's like hey Brandon don't let him get to you it's our school not theirs and he's and then brand has to be like only in your head steve yikes

yep dude even at that point he's like jesus christ dude that's even a little too racist for me oh it's really it's truly something uh yeah that's kind of the episode yeah we do get the freeze frame when brenda's like oop it's my car keys and jim walsh is like hey i'm sorry that i was such an asshole everybody learns her lesson anyway well i want to say one thing because i felt like fucking Frank Grimes at the end of this episode because like James Zach has comes home from a long day at the office

and he's like, wow, how about this? A backyard barbecue in October, like whatever his line is. And fucking Cindy goes, oh hey welcome home, hon. You want chicken or steak? And I'm sitting here like chicken and steak

at a barbecue and the same dinner in my big mansion. And lots of for dinner. Oh, that's, oh, I'm sorry, that is the one thing I need to bring up because it happens in the, when James is telling off Brandon in the library, he's like, just another little rich white kid. And then like, Brandon gets defenses and it's like, hey, you want to check my bank account? It's like, no, I know Brandon, you don't have a million dollars in your fucking pocket, but look around you're rich. You are a rich kid. It's a state of rich kid thing. It's like, yeah, I know, but you have a fucking chicken horse egg for dinner. house, though. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to look at your bank account. I would like to see your college fund. Exactly. Yep. Yeah, I know you have to pay your own car insurance. My fucking, I'm crying, I'm weeping for you, you piece of shit. It's just, oh man, the fucking hard

scrabble Walsh bullshit. Anyways, anybody excited to hang, keep up with this, this motley crew or what? Let's start with Eric Siska, Endor parting shots. You know what? I am because you said Dylan will be back and at first I was not exactly a Dylan defender but now that we're getting in a deep Walsh country I desperately need some escape so I'm looking forward to that one quick thing during this episode when James Walsh was reliving his glory days by looking through his yearbook he points out to one kid who was on his team and says that Kennedy yeah he was a he was a log of lard but it worked out okay because he sells insurance now and I'm just like well that's a line So I like that.

That was my favorite part of this episode. It's important. Chris, anything from you? Oh, man. Complete fucking disaster. I can't wait. I can't wait because I am always like, they can't get worse than this. And then they just do it.

And like, not even just do it a little bit. They do the whole fucking, they triple my expectation. Can I ask you a question, Chris? Sure. Does your dog hide when you watch this show? Because I, my favorite part of the week right now, It's not, Melrose Place is fun, but it's Friday afternoon or Thursday night when you watch this episode, when you watch the Doom 902 and O episode, and the tech start coming in. And you are just, you are so upset at everybody on this show and I fucking love it.

My dog's doing fine. He's learned to hide. Have you shot your TV like Elvis yet? Not quite yet. Some things have been thrown at it. Penns mostly. But yeah, can't wait. Disaster all around. That's excellent. jupe. Oh yeah, man. I'm on board. I mean, one, Dylan's coming back and there's definitely a little, like, I think I read the description for the next episode, and it's like, Brenda's got a crush on Dylan. And I'm like, yeah, here we fucking go, dude. But it's, you know, it's one of those things. Like, it's a show that just like all shows, like, it's trying to figure itself out. And I do think, like, yes, it's a misstep of like, oh, Steve Sanders is a racist and then he's not anymore. And I think, and I think, like, yes, it's a misstep of like, oh, Steve Sanders is a racist. And then he's not anymore. And I think. And I think honestly so much of that must have been them just being like that probably wasn't

a great idea let's not continue I mean like characters are retooled all the time and that's fine you know it's just like it's such an insane step for this show I mean it's like what like the fifth episode of the show or something like that and I was just like wow we're getting into this shit already

okay fair enough but yeah man I am down to clown as always in the BH 90210. Very important Yeah, I agree with you. The show still hasn't found itself. It really takes the whole season to get there, sadly, because the second season is just about a group of kids in this upscale high school trying to fucking figure it out.

It's less the family drama of the Walsh's because we're trying to, that's what we're trying to do here is we're trying to bring Jim Walsh in. And the less seen, the better, even though I love James Eckhouse, as a friend. Yeah, dude, but they got to be like fucking any other parent on this kind of. I mean, like, the parents in shows like this, it's so rare that they work. I mean, like, you know, I think probably some of the best television parents are the Cunningham's. And I mean, the fucking Cunningham's were all over happy days. Like, you could not escape an episode without the Cunningham's having a say in something.

But, like, for me, rarely do, like, parent characters in a show that you can tell it's just better without parent characters. Yeah, you know what I'd prefer is, like, the two giant legs. from like the Muppets or whatever so that is our episode for this week please stay tuned on Thursday we're coming back with a Melrose Place episode but also FYI tomorrow we've got speaking of early 90s

fashions we've got cool as ice dropping on the main feed we're super excited about that and you're going to want to stick around until the very end of the episode because we're announcing the entire schedule for the month of May at the end of the episode oh yeah we certainly are dude May is going to be fucking crazy. It is going to be fucking crazy. So until next time, I have been Stephen Sadek.

Andrew Juppin. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy and remain indoors. That was a hit gum podcast.