We Hate Movies - MELR0210 #13 - 90210 "Higher Education"

Episode Date: May 4, 2020

On our first MELR0210 episode of the week, the gang is chatting about the Beverly Hills, 90210 episode, "Higher Education"! Originally airing back on November 15th, 1990, this episode features Brandon cheating on a history quiz; Brenda wanting to color her hair to be more like Kelly; Dylan being a handsome, yet creepy motorcycle stalker; Jim Walsh, once again, interfering in his son's life; Cindy Walsh fantasizing about the Beach Boys; Brandon telling off an old teacher; and Steve Sanders being King of the Cheaters which should surprise no one. MELR0210 is a new show we put together to help you pass the time during this more-than-necessary social distancing period. New episodes will air Mondays and Thursdays, right here on the main feed! So stay home, tune in, and yearn for the more innocent and sexy time of the 1990s! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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If you're not in love, send it back for a full refund. No return shipping, no restocking fees, every penny back. Shop now at washable sofas.com. Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply. This is a headgum podcast. Hello, remain indoors. Welcome to our quarantine side show Melro 210. It's another week of quarantine, you guys. Are you excited about that? I love it.

Yeah. Yeah, I am here, as always, with my two best friends. Uh-oh. Eric, Siska. Let me just take the gun out of my mouth. We're week eight, is that it? I think we're on week eight here, Val. Yeah.

And Andrew Jupin. Yo? Chris Cabin is always in our hearts, but not in our ears. So we're just going to push on without him. He's fine, we promise. Yeah, but dude, you can't fucking bury that, dude. He's having dental surgery. He's fine.

No, no, no. He's missing and presumed dead. Update. Chris Cabin has been found in a ditch. update this guy uh mr danzell's got a real uh stack vibe he does a stack voice uh we're talking about uh it's monday so we're talking about beverly hills 902 and a season one episode six higher education original air date november the 15th 1990 this is kind of a regularish episode it's it's almost too regular it's a little too regular and i'll tell you what i got a big problem with right up front man

you can't tell me that this sexy teen nighttime soap opera has an episode called Higher Education, and it is not about someone smoking weed. I was sitting here like, I got a couple things wrong with this title. So a question for the 210 head, Steve Sadek. Do they ever address marijuana in this series? Oh, wow, that's a great question. I don't, when Tiffany Embertheson shows up, she smokes pot. in the Walsh household.

Oh, fuck. Jim, Jim, I don't know about that. Yeah, it's a lot of that. Oh, well, she's 19. I guess you could do what she wants, but, oh, that smells funny. What is she some, like, cowfucker cousin or something? Yeah, she is, like, a cowfucker.

Not a cousin, but, like, a friend from home that had it rough, and now she moves out with the Walsh's and blah, blah, blah. It's like, oh, you know, weird, Brenda's going to go off to Paris and live her dreams. We're just going to replace her with another woman. In the house. Oh, weird. When she left, it just so happened that our cool cousin Roy was up in town. Hey, Mr. W.

It's just so naked and so amazing. So, yeah, this episode is about, we're talking about cheating on. There's two stories. Brandon is in a very tough class with Mr. Denzel. Not Mr. Denzel Washington. I wish. That's what I heard. The name placard spoiled it for me, though.

It's crazy. spells it differently. Oh, he does? It's Danzel. Danzel. Okay. For legal reasons. I was saying Danzel. And Brenda's story is she wants to fuck Dylan real bad. Dylan kind of lets it go that he likes blondes and then hilarity sort of ensues. And some sexiness. A definite sexiness, man. I had my radar out for that. Really? Where was the sexy?

This is the motorcycle scene which we're going to get to. Yeah, some serious flirtation. Yeah, there's I might want to shine your balls for this episode. All right, we'll get there. It's sexier for you guys. I wanted it a little steamier, but it's fine. It's a light flirtation. So we kind of just open up at the peach pit.

We have a full-on peach pit. Exterior, dude. Exterior, interior. Welcome to this fucking haunted diner. My God, just playing like, wow. Dude, it is like straight out of a house. fucking David Lynch once again.

All of us lost souls gather here at the Peach Pit to order the pie we used to get in the 50s. Oh yes, welcome to the Peach Pit, aka Dead Man's Diner. Brandon, you've always been here. Oh, in the kitchen, Nat is blowing a man in a dog costume. This is a guy, Mr. Denzel's got blood dripping off his head,

top me off brander another slice of peach pie Lloyd I yeah it is a wonderful diner isn't it they like this diner a little bit better later on in the series but the way they're lighting it here it is very it's creepy it's downright creepy because it's like you know what it reminded me of Steve the episode of the twilight zone where they're at that diner and it's like someone in this diner is an alien Yes, exactly. Nat takes off his hat and he's got a third eye. Totally. Well, that name is alien. So, Nat. Well, that could be, that would be an alien's name, Nat.

Oh, yeah, his name's like Nat 1204 X. He's a fucking robot. I'm a peach pie making robot, Brandon. Yeah, it's the most advanced scientific development in human history. And we made him look like a ragged old. Italian guy with a mullet. I love, I mean, also the name peach, I mean, like, you know, we like diners, it's fun, you know, I mean, I miss diners more than anything, but peach, a peach pit is just so disgusting,

all right, am I wrong? Yeah, no, it's gross. You get to, like, the pit of a peach, and one, that means, like, your snack is over. It's not what you eat, though, like, it's, you're naming it after something you don't ingest from the food. Welcome to the orange rind. Yeah. It's like, at least orange rinds are fresh.

Like a peach pit to me is like, it's chewed, it's in a paper towel that you cover up and put it at the bottom of the garbage. This is called it crumpled up paper towel. Hey, Brandon, I'm expanding the franchise. Next week in San Diego, I'm opening a new diner. It's called the banana peel. Wish, dude.

So he's there and his teacher is there, Mr. Danzel. And he's like, oh, cool. Let me just siddle up to my teacher. Hey there, Mr. Danzel. He's like, could I fucking get my steak fries, please? Hey, hey kid, sideburns. Let's let's move it. Dude, he does not have a second for this kid.

And it's fucking great because he's like, oh, hey, Mr. Danzel. And the guy's like, mm-hmm. And he's like, oh, I'm Brandon Walsh. I'm in your whatever period history class. And he's like, coffee, don't make me tip the glass. This guy's got no time for this kid. I love it too, because it's like, listen, I'm not fucking teaching. I'm not your substitute mommy right now.

So why don't you fucking fill up the glass? You know what? I'm not getting benefits or fucking paid right now. So fill my fucking glass. He's actually paid to talk to you. And right now he's not paid to talk to you. So shut the fuck up. So that's kind of that scene.

Nat says that he's a regular. He's always been here possibly. Oh, yeah. It's like a chill wind goes through the peach pit. Suddenly, Mr. Danzel is sitting there. I just can't. It is so creepily lit this episode. And the fucking, like, fake Roy Orbison were playing all the time.

Yeah, just, like, twangy guitar. I'm like, oh, again, like, as if a ghost was singing. So we get to school. We finally see this class. It's Mr. Danzell. We get, there's a lot of, I think, somebody marched on down to the writer's office, and was like uh you know i noticed the last couple of episodes a little donna light um not enough dana in those episodes uh just saying you know in this scene here the way the script is written

uh mr danzel gives the test back and no one makes any comments but i thought what if right in here we had dana slip in a few comments about how the teacher's dressed okay she's just like i mean it's such a pointless addition of dialogue. She's like, oh, hey there, Brandon. Look at how stupid his suit looks. She does sound like that. Tori, we're going to take that again. You can't call Jason Jason.

His character name is Brandon. What? If they wanted to name a diner after garbage, they should have called Adonnas. Welcome to Donnas. she should be wearing a face mask at all times she really should do she's just going around spitting on people

but actually oddly enough and stupidly enough that clothes comet is like part of the episode like it's a part of the theme I guess or this character's trait well it's one of the like things the teacher's known for like he's known for being like a hard ass who only teaches toward the tests

and a bad dresser I mean like he's a 90 year old man who cares like he's wearing a suit it's not like he's wearing like fucking clown shirt Honestly it didn't look that out of place It's not that bad first of all But secondly when you find out why It is one of the most heartbreaking things

I've ever heard I love it So yeah she Denzel passes back the test That everybody took last time Brandon gets a sea There must be some mistake I'm Brandon Walsh

Mr. Danzel Can I speak to your manager? It seems I've gotten to see But he explains that only 10% of the class Can get an A because of a fucking curve I've never had a curve in school This seems like a thing I mean I'm sure it happened

But it's fucking stupid And it doesn't make any sense It's like I don't know like people do Great be out of a fucking hundred dude Steve didn't we have a curve in that math class that you failed? I think I was too low to understand. I got like a 20-something on that.

You got a 20 in, this is a college class. You guys took a math requirement. I got a full-on F. A full-on, I have failed. Not a D and F. Wow. I took a math class,

not the same ones as you guys, but I got a C, and that was what I was going for, and I was so happy. Oh, excellent. Yeah, that's the thing is I thought I was like, okay, I'll just, you know, I'll put it in neutral here. I'll walk out with a C, everybody's cool. And then she's like, here's your F, sir.

Dude, I have to say, Steve, though, looking back on that class, your neutral was a pretty aggressive neutral. What kind of math class was this again? It was calculus. Yeah. What are you doing that for? It was just the math requirement. and that was like the lowest one that was available to me at the time. I took statistics.

Yeah, that's a good one. I was always terrible at those, but I took the pre-calc because that was the last math I was good at in high school. And I did okay. I got an A in that class. Well, I will say that they had a thing where if you took the same class over again

and got a better grade, they would take the better of the two grades. I wound up taking it with a different teacher. I upped my game a bit, but I still cut quite a bit, And I still got it. I got to wind up with an A as well. You got an A?

Yeah, I got an A. I'm okay. I'm pretty okay in math if I even half give a shit. Well, that's, I mean, that's the thing. It's not a reflection of your math skills. Certainly not. No, no, no. It's a reflection of your desire to stay back at the apartment,

drink gin and watch Star Trek the next generation. Exactly. And or play Mario Baseball. Oh, fuck. Dude, Nintendo needs to get Mario Baseball a new version on Switch. immediately. Especially now if they've canceled real baseball release the Mario baseball.

So do you think at the end of all this, like Mario is going to be inducted into the basketball Hall of Fame, the baseball Hall of Fame, the football? Because he's going to be our sporting champion because we can't have real sports anymore. Yeah, he's going to be like the Mr. Universe of sports. In 30 years, there's going to be like the last

dance, but it's Mario. Mario and Luigi were breaking up They were breaking up Mario Luigi They were adding Sonic You know, it was a big fucking deal I would watch that documentary Yes, I would So blah blah blah

That's the thing Andrea gets an A Steve Sanders gets an A And everyone's like, hold on that kid's a racist No actually we've forgotten that entirely Even though the last line of the last episode was it's our school Brandon like it's fucking school ties

but we're pretending that's not happening in this episode. Instead it's much more of a Biff Tannen I'm fucking cheating on this test thing and I got to tell you the second it's like Steve Sanders A I was like okay without reading the episode description I now know that this episode is somehow

related to cheating on tests at first I thought it was like oh of course okay the racist he's great at American history check that and they should have all been wiped out A plus Because we're learning a lot There's a lot of Indian

American Indian facts thrown around That's like the unit we're covering Right We're spilling a lot of ink It's fine And we're trying like to be a little quote unquote woke about it Because it's not like

Well it was our land the entire time Like they're doing a lot of like Teaching about like massacres And Andrew Jackson and so on and so forth I was actually kind of surprised because at the age of this teacher dude I was like he's got to be for these these fucking reservations right

yeah he was this dude helps set those up I was about to say he was putting them in he almost he almost fell out of a guard tower and died during oh man I was the last one to she general to see Mr. Custer alive

I carry I carried his conch um so whatever uh we're kind of walk around the hallway. Andrea's like, hey, Brand, and like, Andrea, like, so wants to fuck this dude. And she's like, hey, you know, it sucks, you got to see. The problem is she can't get out of her own way a little bit. That's kind of the problem. She's like, stinks you got to see. Like, she's trying to flirt, but it comes off the wrong way. It's like, you know, maybe just

try studying a little more with me. And he's like, whatever, Andre, you fucking idiot. And it's, It's like she's like double time in it here, too, because there's a lot of that going on. But she prefaces all of it with, you better have that fucking report on the swim team done, Brandon. Well, because he even says, like, you know, it's kind of hard, Andrea, would I also have a real job at Nats, haunted restaurant? She's like, well, I'm running a paper. It's like, no, you're not. It is a school club. This is also, like, really cutting Brandon because apparently history was his greatest grade, and he really thought he had.

this under control. He did not. Then we see again, a lot of Donna, Dylan. Actually, this is Kelly and Brenda run into Dylan in the hallway. They're like kind of following him around puppy dogishly. Because it's fucking Luke Perry. I'm still not in on these fucking overalls. I don't get him. He's got to stop trying to make this a thing. He's in like full car heart in this episode. Yeah, I was like, were you just coming from like

plowing a bunch of snow? Like, why are you wearing? No, I was plowing ladies at my hotel I live in. I was getting a French girl pregnant. And it's kind of... With my wee-wee, I put my wee-wee in her. He's smooth until he has to talk about his dick and then he's just saying wee-wee the whole time.

Yeah. Hey, Ben, I didn't pick my wee-wee out for air. I do love there's a line and it's kind of... You know, I feel like, you know, we're in this episode, we're dealing with a mid-term situation so we're at like I don't know what it's supposed to be like November

or so probably right sure and you know so like Dylan and Brandon are friends we've had that established episodes previously it's only in this episode that he meets Brenda and he's like so you're Brandon's sister huh and I'm like where have you been

well he kind of met her not really in that last episode when their pal came to town like when they're all kind of getting into cars she just kind of gives him a head nod but they don't really have any dialogue. Yeah, you're totally right. So that's kind of like retrofitted to make it more.

Because I think at some point they're like, well, she's got to get with this dude. So there needs to be some like real passion. Well, he negs her right out of the gates saying, no, your hair is stupid. I like blonde girls. Well, he looks at like, oh, do you like blondes or brunettes? Look, it's fucking Betty and Veronica, Archie. Speaking of, he's on that. Oh, that's right.

But he's like, oh, yeah, he looks right, Brenda, right in the face. I like, I like blondes, man. Take that other girl. So Brandon brings Andre over to study. And this is my favorite scene in the episode is like, you know, Jim Walsh is coming home from a fucking long day of ripping off poor people. And, you know, they're like, ooh, you know who's upstairs, Han? It's that Andrea that everyone's talking.

about. Better not be that family I foreclosed on. Dude, I love this exchange. First of all, Carol and Jim Walsh are so concerned. Like, they are horny for how horny their kids are. And, because Carol

is like, he's upstairs studying with Andrea. And then fucking James Eckhouse is like, Andrea. Oh. And it continues upstairs. I'm not going to spoil the thing that you want to talk about Steve, but after that

thing, James Eckhouse opens the door to Brandon's bedroom where they're studying. And Andrea and Jim Walsh definitely make fuck eyes at each other. Can you catch his exchange? Well, they're the same age. It works out. I couldn't believe this.

Like, he comes in and he's like, studying, huh? Yep. What are you studying? American history. Okay, then. Hi, Andrea, closes the door creepily. I'll be thinking about you later um you know cindy you should really uh start wearing glasses say cindy can i start calling you on green uh or at least sondi oh oh you got a school paper due uh uh you're 40 and you're

the valedictorian uh this is what i think of the swim team oh he's gonna james that casplaying as brandon goes to school oh man what's up fellow kids I shaved my back and taped it to my sideburn No this is Brandon I just had a growth spurt So actually yeah

Before this We cut into Brandon's bedroom And Andre is like going through his stuff Essentially you know it's her first time there She's curious, she likes them obviously Brandon comes out of the shared bathroom And does the sorry about that which is grade A, I was just taking a shit.

That is international code for I was taking a shit. It's been 15 minutes. I know you think that something went wrong. And guess what? It did. And you know, the other thing about this, I get it, man. Life happens. It comes at you fast.

You know, you got to stop and look around every once in a while. But if you are studying with a person in your room and you are stricken and have to take a shit, I guarantee you there's more than one bathroom in that house. I agree. You have to find a secondary toilet and not take a massive fucking dump three feet away from this girl. Yes, the furthest toilet possible. Go shit in the yard. And they're like, you know, she asked him a question.

He goes, wrong. And she's like, okay. Actually, I'm right because Andrew Jackson was actually responsible, not the legislature, or blah, blah, blah. And he's like, Andre, why are you so condescending all the time? And she's like, why are you yelling? Why am I here to be yelled at?

And she leaves. And he never apologizes this episode. Never fucking ever apologizes. They do that bullshit. No, they do that fucking bullshit thing that I hate in all forms of television and film writing where one character is apologizing to another one, but they don't do it.

And they instead do like a fucking. backdoor apology of like well, I decided to do the right thing because I have this friend who I really can. And I'm like, just shut the fuck up. Just say you're an asshole and you fucked up and you're sorry and get on with it.

I love it's it's a clear and it's just, it's fucking poor Brenda man. The more I rewatch this, it's like Brenda cannot catch a break. She's just looking in the mirror and like fixing her hair. She imagines herself Tracy Lord's style for a second. And all Cindy knows is she's looking at a mirror

And she's like concerned immediately And she's like goes up to her She's like, you're pretty enough Brenda Just shut the fuck up and get away from that mirror Oh my God, I loved it dude She's freaking out for no reason I'm like can I just fucking look at a mirror In my own home

Stop honking the mirror, Brenda Brandon I wish you're named Brandon You'd be more like Brandon our angel That's true They hate the daughter. They do. They really, really do. So she's, that's her thing.

And Brandon is, we cut back to the Peach Pit. Oh, no, we come to Steve Sanders. It's the next testing. It's another C. And then Steve is like, hey, man, why do you come study at my house? And it's like, okay, let's learn about Steve Sanders. We see his insane house. There's just so much railing.

It looks like a fucking, the facility from James Bond. It's a lot of rails. I felt like I should be put in proximity mine somewhere. to be completely honest. Oh, hey, Brandon. Thanks for coming over. Ignore the quantum of solace over here. We're going to be doing our studies over here on the batty of.

And, you know, they're at a pool. And, you know, Brandon finds out that Steve's parents are divorced a couple of times. Yeah, like twice. It's kind of weird the way he describes it. He's like, yeah, we had a couple of divorces, kids coming in and out of here, different marriages in between, you know, the usual.

Yeah. And he's like, your parents. are together and like there's a kind of fun gag of like it's not your fault and Brandon's like that's kind of cool. I'm sorry your life is so sad. Wait, so your dad isn't up your ass 24 by seven. Yeah. I kind of like that. I wish my parents hated each other. It works out. Um, and so like, whatever, this is when Steve kind of lays down the law and there's like, hey man, I, uh, why don't you, you're asking the wrong questions. Ask these questions. And, uh, uh, Those are the exact same questions that he's going to ask on the test.

How does Steve know? He's fucking cheating. Yep. Of course he is. Of course he is. And like Brandon realizes it immediately. Any of you guys ever cheat on a test? Uh,

you know, I will cop too trying to like look over someone's shoulder, uh, here and there, but never this like, I think this is a fake thing. What? The crib sheets.

The, I have a photocopy of a real test. Oh, no. I don't, I never had that, but I've definitely. had like i've written stuff down in like small as i can write it and like had it on a piece of paper and tried to shuffle it out during a test right i've you get caught i don't i believe i've

always gotten away with it but i uh you know it takes a toll on the soul because it's a wrong thing to do obviously yeah and you you'll never be able to answer all those history questions now no but i mean this is also the fault of mr dan zelle because he's old and stupid and and complacent because it comes out towards the end of the episode that he just always uses the same test every year so people from other years can just keep on keep their test and now everyone knows the answers for the following year right yeah i guess that's why it's like so plausible in this universe because he's been using the test but like i never once heard of this like in the real world where you steal the test

from last blah blah blah and all that but yeah i mean like because it makes you a bad teacher like you can't just be like, well, that it's November 8th time for the November 8th test. Yeah, exactly. Like, at least fucking, I don't know, like mix up the order of the questions or something. So whatever, that's kind of going on. Brandon starts to, he realizes Steve is cheating. Steve's like, hey, man, everyone cheats. I'm monster.

And he's like, cool. And kind of that's, we get a phase of Brandon cheating. And Mr. Danzell's like, oh, a new A student in my. clash I like that man when he gets the fucking flawless victory on this one quiz which then by the way fucks up the curve and makes Andre get a C

ha ha ha the fucking teacher like Danzel he's like now everyone rise and applaud Mr. Brandon Walsh for he fucked the curve for you all and got a flawless victory and like you need the thing where Steve

Sanders then has to be like hey man you're going to fuck this up for us You got to fucking get like one or two wrong, dude. This actually brought back a lot of memories for me in a, I was a math class, obviously. That was my poorest subject. But I had a teacher, an old dude who was, you know, of course he's nice to the students that do well,

which we see in this episode with Brandon and all. But I was doing, I was struggling in his class, and he gave me a test back. And obviously it was like an F or whatever. And I said like, oh, it was really hard. and I'm brief aside with him and I was like could you like explain this one again and this old dude just looks at me and says

but that was the easiest one and walks away oh whatever man yep yep yep that's what an asshole I know and I was praying for his death ever since which must have happened by now oh for sure he's long dead guaranteed my thing always was like when it was when it was like hey you you failed the test do you want to take it again I was like no it's over I've gotten through the life event, I've failed it, cool, let's move on.

Press A to access your quicksave. Yeah, exactly. Go back to the checkpoint. Like, I am not at all retaking a test. No, thank you. So whatever. Meanwhile, Brenda is really considering changing her hair. This is a bathroom scene with, oh,

Schoach, I see here you've got Kelly and Brenda. having a nice conversation. What if, I don't know, what if Donna had something to say about maybe, ooh, what if her hairstylist was the guy who does Madonna? Oh, dude, is that not dumb? I also love the,

what if, you know, Donna could come in here and look in the mirror and say one of the dumbest fucking things a human being could ever say, which is that she put two contacts in the same eyeball. How does that happen? I think the idea is we're trying to give for any kind of personality, and she's the dits. But like, Tori Spelling can't pull that off at all.

She's just like, I have both contacts with the same eye. Kelly's got my favorite line of the episode when she's talking to Brenda about her hair. And she says it's a hair do, not a hair don't. And I was like, what the fuck? I thought of you when I heard that one. I know. I was like, Eric jokes. I thought, I was like, wait, is it, am I watching the recap or am I watching the episode?

Hey, she's stealing my bit. Now, I've never worn contact lenses. I have perfect vision. Congratulations. Mine's perfect, too. There you go. Mine's not. Now, but Steve, I also know that you just wear glasses.

You do not wear contacts. But is it possible to put one contact lens over the other one like that? I guess it if you're really drunk. I mean, like, I just, right? I mean, because if so, if that's possible, would you be able to leave the house, go to school, attend classes before realizing you did it?

No, no, I mean, again, this is like, well, this is like Woody Harrelson and Cheers Stupid. I think that's what we're trying, we're trying to get to that with her. But again, like Woody Harrelson, good actor, he could make that joke funny. Right. Yeah, you're totally, I mean, like,

Warner for Donna was more like Woody Boyd. Uh, whatever. So she winds up, Kelly comes over, she's like, I could do your hair for you because, you know, you can't afford these. Again, you guys just live in the fucking heart of Beverly Hills and you fucking live in a house on a hill. When Brenda goes for a joggle, like nice fucking neighborhood, you middle class family. Right. Yeah, totally, dude. What the fuck.

Such bullshit. And meanwhile, Jim Walsh is walking around and fucking yacht attire this whole episode. He's got a fucking tennis racket at some point. like, you can't get this girl a fucking haircut? I think Jim Walsh moved to Beverly Hills for Jim Walsh. And anything else after that can fucking suck his balls, dude. He's just going to Coke parties all day long. Yeah, I'm at the office.

He's living this life. He's living this life. The rest of his family can suck his Jim Walsh balls. Brandon gets a job. I will not pay his car insurance. I mean, you know, how much could that be? You stretch it out over the six-month period, $190, what, like $30?

yeah but it's trying to build character guys you know and that fucking Brenda won't do it so she wants Kelly comes over to fix her hair and to diet and she does it wrong she wakes up it's comical although she kind of like Darrell Hannah from fucking Blade Runner here a lot yes she does

I didn't think of that until just that it's just like she's pale it's orange it's this big fucking like froish kind of thing I mean, it's awful. She looks like a fucking mad TV character. Yeah, like Miss Swan. Yes, it is kind of like that same wig. And she's like, oh, my God, blah, blah.

You know, it's a comical business. She has to wear a hat to school. Oh, there's a great thing when Kelly is, she's like getting the fucking dye bottle ready. And Brenda's like, I don't know about this. You know, my mom, blah, blah, blah. And Kelly's like, you know what brenda why don't why don't you tell your mom to shut up because her hair needs to be

fucking done over and you could just tell like brenda's like oh my god this my friend just insulted my mother i don't know how to react to this and then they both just kind of start laughing about it i will say stay tuned for next week uh the perfect mom coming up a lot of mom talk next week really mom talk kelly's mom shows up and she's a good mom she's well no no she she thinks she's the perfect mom but she might be not unsavory mom exactly uh they do a very dumb joke uh when brenda wakes up in the morning oh yeah uh they have the fucking screeching violins from psycho as she's it's like an exterior shot of the house and she's like oh another day oh my god wee weat weat we and it's just like all right i fucking totally get it you got to open you got to do it like the godfather waking up with the

fucking horsehead in the bed. That's what you want. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, uh, it's, it's, uh, Donna's horse head. Wow. Wow. So she wears a hat to school, whatever. Um, Brandon now, after getting the rousing, standing ovation at the peach pit, Mr. Danzel is like, oh, my favorite student, Mr. Walsh, how's it going? Now that you're an A student, we can hang out. Exactly. Let's go hang out together. You want to come over

my house would watch a dirty movie Mr. A student? And then after that some boozy bingo. Yeah, like he's getting, you know, he's they're just hitting it off. Steve shows up and he's like, hey man, I got the fucking answers to the midterm baby and he's like

this is too going too far. The midterm. I'm like, I don't know. Test the test. Yeah, I mean, you're already in it now, Brandon. I do appreciate there's an exchange between Dylan and Brandon where they're like they see

fucking Danzel from like across campus or something and Brandon's like oh man that Danzell what a fucking son of a bitch and Dylan's like I don't know man he's kind of an all right guy I learned a lot from him and then like Brandon tells

Dylan about the cheating and dude fucking Luke Perry's reaction he's amazing he's like I don't know Brandon cheating man you're flirting with bad karma I love it was like yes I just need more of this in every episode and we will be aces.

I love the idea that like Brandon is 15 or whatever or Brandon 16, Dylan is 16 and a half and he's seen some shit guys. He's lived a life because every time he's like, oh yeah, been there, man. You do not want to be fooling around with cheating or getting French girls pregnant. Dude, I think the thing is Dylan is just kind of like

an old soul who can recall his past lives. Yes, yes, like he got a French girl pregnant in World War II. Exactly, dude. He was driving an ambulance at the time. He served with Mr. Danzel in a previous body. You know, I learned a lot in that French abortion clinic. So he, like, whatever, he's feeling a little... Andrea finds out that Brandon has been cheating

because he does the Eric Siska crib sheet routine. But I mean he does it like Holy shit dude he's showing the whole world This is totally egregious Like he doesn't know how to cheat No you're a terrible cheater Like why would you put this In the fucking book under your desk

Like that's got to be in your pocket Man you wear a long sleeve shirt It's up your sleeve sleeve you shake it out A little bit now you got something to work with The other side of this though is like hey Andrea Eyes on your own paper what the fuck are you doing Looking across the room She's just fucking getting mental snapshots

for later, dude. Just getting a couple of snaps, dude. Well, this is because, like, I think what the problem is, is Brandon is kind of like staring off into the distance and then, like, he makes eye contact with Danzel, and Danzel

makes a fucking deal about it. And he's like, is there a problem, Mr. Walsh? Disrupting now the whole class trying to take this test. Now, I know you're falling in love with me, Brandon, but you can't give me googly eyes. Brandon, we'll discuss this over dinner tonight.

Brandon's looking at him, he closes his eyes and it just says love you on his lids. Brandon, this is not the peach pit. This is neither the time nor the place. What we do with that ghostly realm can never be seen during the waking hours. Ghostly realm. It is so creepy there. So whatever. Andrea Storms out of class right after.

And I mean, like, everyone is talking about cheating in the middle of the hallways. And I just can't handle it. Not even the fucking hallway, dude. When they go to take the midterm, Brandon and Steve are in the middle of the room. And Brandon's like, hey, man, I decided not to look at the test you gave me. It's like, dude, what are we doing? And a good day to you, sir. and it's insane because even like Steve Sanders reciprocates and he's like

yeah well that's your loss not cheating on this test but yeah she's like I can't believe you cheated on the test oh my gosh I had and I mean like it's a lot of Andrea's fault here and also you realize it's really like yeah everyone's older Gabriel Carteris is the oldest but her talking about cheating on high school tests it's just kind of embarrassing Like, as an actress, she should be like, I work in the newsroom in this major metropolitan newspaper, you know, like, are we going to kill the story or what, you know what I mean? Or anything. We're like, oh, man, I think my boyfriend who is going to propose tomorrow. Like, these are storylines for Gabrielle Carteris. Yeah, absolutely. And this is, it's just, it's so weird because it's also like, it's kind of like a mom yelling at her son. Yes, exactly. It comes in. It's like, I can't.

I can't believe you're so irresponsible and, like, I had such high hopes for you. And I'm like, lady, do you want to fuck this dude or not? Because the way to do that is to be like, huh, that's cool. You know what I mean? Like, that's totally. I want to raise him. I want to raise him. No, you should not be reminding him of Cindy fucking Walsh.

Hey, Brandon, I think this would look good on you. You know, I'm like, Brandon, get your hair out of your eyes. You've got such pretty eyes. Brandon, hold still. You have some schmutz. Yeah, exactly. Spit. Spits in her finger, rubs it off. Also, Brandon, it's time to change your diaper, you fucking baby. Because I'm trying to channel some Chris Cabin on this.

There you go. Well, yeah, that's the thing is this episode's a lot less angry. Well, here, no, I got it. I'll do a Chris Cabin impression here. So then Brandon Walsh dares to wear a shirt that fucking child molester. Oh, Kevin. You cut up. Oh, is you back? Thank God. Oh, no, that's great.

So she storms off like she always does. And like, and also like Brandon is a thousand percent in the wrong. And it's just like, shut up. And like, I like knows he's wrong, but it's nothing to do. But it wants to like yell at her anyway. So Steve's like, hey, let's shoot at the midterm. And this is what Brandon doesn't want to do that anymore. And he wants to.

Steve comes to the peach pit. And he's like, hey, Walsh. it was oh that's right um what during one of the peach pit sessions uh brandon's like hey man goes to danzel you never would have given me the time of day also you teach to the test also you're a piece of shit hey why are your teeth so fucked up i'm teaching you a lesson i'm glad your wife's fucking dead dude he dresses this old man down in like the doorway of this diner yeah a place that he danzel has been in more than than Brandon ever will be. Exactly. And also, like, this is his respite from a fucking horrible life. It's like,

oh, the one thing I could do is, the one thing I can count on is Matt's bacon cheeseburgers. Just the one small joy in my life since Edna died. This fucking 75-year-old man eating bacon cheeseburgers every day. Yeah, that's not a great idea.

When he tells Brandon, like, I know everyone shits on me and shits on my clothes. but my ill wife picked them out before she deceased or whatever. Dude, and it's, it's insane because, like, what he's trying, he, like, he can't even finish the thought because he starts getting too emotional, but he's trying to tell him, like, uh, yeah, like, my wife was ill, and she bought me, like, a ton of clothes because she didn't want me to go without after she died,

was what he's trying to say. And I was like, I was like, oh, my God, this is way too heavy for an episode that's pretty much about, a bad die job and cheating on history tests. I just love it's her with a fucking oxygen tank going up and down Rodeo drive in the fucking 90 degree heat. You need more shoes. This is a real thing. Like older men sometimes just have their wives dress them. There's an older dude at a job I used to work at.

And he was all like, my wife picked these shoes out. because I guess someone made a comment about them and they talked about Was he a widower? No, no, no, no. Wife alive and well, it's just he does not dress himself.

Well, Eric, the thing is dressing yourself could lead to vanity which could lead to homosexuality. That's what I'll do it. That's true. You've become a real junior soprano there, Steve. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? I know what I'm saying? Yeah, conalinguish. Cantalinguish, right, with those guys? So whatever, Bradden decides not to cheat on the test. He does have this exchange. Well, Steve Sanders comes up. He's like, I thought you're going to rat me out.

And he's like, no, I wasn't going to rat you out, Steve. I just was yelling in the hallway about cheating. I was hoping someone overheard us. So, yeah, Brandon finds Mr. Danzel with his car with a flat tire. he decides to fix it and Mr. Danzo's like, ooh, it must be my birthday. Could you fix that tire

covered in oil and naked? He kind of throws out a line here that I was like how much money is the salary of West Beverly High history teacher

because Brandon is like, oh, you got a flat tire, huh? And he's, the dude, by the way, is sitting on the hood of his car with a flashlight, reading a big old book. I love it. In the dark, right?

And he's like, yes, I do have a flat tire. And I wish the auto club was as prompt as you were, something like that. And he's like, what do you mean? You don't know how to change a flat tire? And he's like, you know, Brandon, I just prefer to let other people do things for me when I can throw money at the problem. And I was like, what? I kind of agree with him there.

Yeah, so do I. I completely, I'm not criticizing that, but I was just. like you're just like a public school teacher what are we talking to you man that you're talking about throwing money well this is west beverly my friend yes the harvard of fucking public schools i don't know not only that like even his only expense is a fucking gnats diner and all of his clothes were bought in 1975 so yeah i guess that's just house is paid off they have no children right you think what do you think a hoarder house like a bunch of newspaper and fucking cat foods everywhere or what? Well, that's what I think

Danzel plans to do with his retirement dude. He's going to fucking go home, feed his cat one last time, and then be crushed to death by a huge pile of newspapers. Brandon! I can't get out, Brandon. They're going to dig his corpse out and find a bunch of, like, flattened cats and shit in there.

I couldn't part with it. Oh, it was my wife. She bought these clothes. And when I said bought clothes. I mean, a ton of them. They're everywhere. Her body's in the bed wearing like a face mask. I had to put it on when she started to rot too much.

Oh, definitely, dude. There's a severe Mrs. Bates problem in the Danzel household. We still make love every midnight. So Brenda's like, I'm just going to go for a jog. And she just wants to jog with a hat on. And

Cindy Walsh is like, Brenda, give me that hat right now. And it's like, I don't know mom can I leave with a fucking hat on my head dude it's insane there is one point like it's either here or like right before this where Cindy walsh tells brenda the story of how oh yeah she destroyed her and her sister's hair because of a beach boy's song she's just like brenda i get it in the summer of 1960 whatever me and your sister wanted to be blonde because they told us they only like they wanted us to all be California girls. And I was like, oh, Cindy.

And also, like, she, Cindy Walsh is seeing this girl, like, fucking humiliated. Like, the way, the move as a parent is to be like, okay, let's go to the hair salon tonight. We'll fix it together. And you don't have to go to Donna's $300 haircut. I get it. But there's, like, a $40 haircut.

You get this girl that'll fix it. Yes, I don't get why there's no options. And then she needs Dillon to rescue her hair. Like, why can't her parents do something with her or engage in her life? in any meaningful way Brenda just checking in real quick here you ask me for help and before I respond I just got to confirm

are you Brandon because unless you're branded if you're not branded take a fucking hike and she's like you give me that fucking hat Missy everyone needs to see your shame she's like awesome she goes on a run and Dylan's got this motorcycle

got a great I always love when theme song seeds come to life. It's it's the motorcycle Luke Perry Rippant is a helmet off scene. Absolutely, yep. I also noticed pretty great this time around Scott and David not in this episode. Everybody

else in the theme song and I can't you could this is coming down to Cindy Walsh even. It's we're in the theme song three or four scenes of them doing stuff and Jason Priestley and Carol Potter and James Eckhouse Douglas Everson as Scott

one scene. It's him in the computer and Douglas Everson shows up and it's like Get this guy out of my fucking theme song. In and out, dude. We got priorities here. We got to get James Eckhouse on screen playing that fucking keyboard. That is still the funniest thing. It really, really is.

Oh, actually, Steve, I noticed another thing from the intro that I wanted to ask you about to detour us really quickly. In, in Andrea's run through, what's name, Valerie Carteris? Gabriel Carteris. Gabrielle Carteris. There's a shot where it looks like Andrea is in some sort of like fashion show or like award ceremony thing or something. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I think that's coming up next week, by the way. All right.

Well, if it's that close, I'm not going to ask for a spoiler. But it looks like a thing where it could have been a real douche-chill carry moment for her. I only realized it because she's like, she's got makeup on, she's smiling. she's in public. I was like, oh man, are they going to drop blood on this girl's head? They're all going to laugh at you, Andrea. Well, Brandon Walsh does have a fucking John Travolta in Carrie vibe, too, by the way. Yeah, I fucking buy that.

I really do. So whatever, she's running and Dylan stops off, takes his helmet off. He's like, hey, nice haircut, idiot. And she's like, I don't know, man. I thought you liked blondes. And he's like, I don't know. I like blondes, brunettes, redheads, pause, pause, look at her. Girls in tank tops.

Boom. Yeah. It's a line. It's a good line. Fuck, dude. Even I got a little horn in there. Couldn't even believe it. I was like, you know he's not talking to you, right?

Were you in a tote top? And you know you're not wearing a tank top. I hope not. And she's like, oh, and he's like, you know, if you're that upset about your dumb haircut, I have a one of the many people My network of people Which includes Nat, the people who work at other places Like he's just got this under

Again, he's a half a year old than everybody And he's got a network of fucking people That could do him favors Of course because he was friends with all their parents In another life And another, and their grandparents before that He's like, I know a hairstylist that owes me a favor Why don't you hop on my bike

We'll get that fixed for you By the way, no girl of mine is gonna have hair like that And she's like, oh, yeah, I like your butt. Oh, bike. And he's like, well, hop on my bike. And I'm like, yeah, obviously. Hop on my butt. Hop on my butt. Just hop on my butt, Brenda.

Hop on my butt right now. Also, I think- Oh, Brenda, hop on my butt. You can't blame Brenda for being a little silly right here because what's going on inside is her heart is racing a mile a minute because until Dylan, fucking took off that motorcycle helmet she thought some dude just drove by on a motorcycle while she was jogging

in a tank top and then immediately did a fucking U-turn and started following her by the way. Yes, exactly. Just shoots her with a silenced pistol and drives away. Beaver Patrol. Better episode, honestly. Yeah, Jim Walsh wouldn't even

fucking throw her a funeral. I can't be spending this much money, Cindy. Just cream made it and get rid of it listen Brandon has a basketball game I got to go to just barrier in a fucking pile of salt like they do in my favorite movie Nightmare Beach

so what happened Brenda got shot in the head oh that's a bummer Brandon got a see on a history test stop everything I'm coming home now so whatever tell the house cleaner that we got some new mystery meat

we would like some enchiladas Oh, my God. You could say, we just ate Brenda, and she's in our stomachs right now. Do you have some brancelotas, dude? Yes. Oh, my God. There's some weird orange hair in my enchilada. So they fix her hair.

You know, it's funny. I always used to say Brenda wouldn't amount anything, but she came out pretty good. they hate that girl so they fix her hair and blah blah blah Brenda sort of sets up that you know Dylan is now interested in her and Brandon's like wait a minute

I'm not sure I feel about this someone's talking to my sister and it's not the wall so that's kind of the end of her story her hair is back to normal we get into Brandon decides to he's not cheating on the test. He gets to take the final test.

Mr. Oh, Mr. Denzel's like, all right, here's all your test. Now, I want you to take them and tear them right up. Oh, man, it's fucking hilarious. He's like, take them. Now I want you to look at it. Look at it. Now tear it out. Look at it. Look at it. This dude tell them to look at it. It's pretty great. Brandon, look at it. So he's like, I'm going to ask you. And I guess he's this guy's never learned of essay question in the fucking 60 year career of him teaching never asked anyone

a fucking essay question essay question would they just invent that or something uh so you got some essay question and like steve's like fucking sunk that racist gets his just desserts and this is when brandon does do the well my friend told me how to live a good life andrea i'm never gonna fuck you just just want to let you know that but i'm gonna keep you on the line for a little while. Yeah, this friend of mine I mean, you know, she's pretty nice, she's very smart, Jewish wears glasses, lives on the wrong

side of the tracks, you don't know her though. Oh, well into her 40s. So, whatever, that's we all learned a lesson. Celebrated the bicentennial at a bar. I'm now forgetting because I even just watched us right before we started. What's the blackout line here this episode? Oh, it's

fucking crazy, dude. So he has one last exchange with Dan Zell. Oh, this is great. And he goes, nice suit, by the way. And this dude goes, it is hideous, isn't it? I know I look like fucking shit, okay? Okay. Is that what you wanted, Brandon? Which it's so great. And it would be

great, like, just end the episode on a joke like that. They kind of have a laugh. But then Brandon's got to fucking sour it with his schmaltz and just goes, yeah, but you wear it well. And then, like, he just, he, the, it's like a fade to black as Brandon walks down the hallway. Yeah, it looks good on you, though. You know what, Mr.

This fucking suit's terrible. What do you give you a full free bowl of soup with this suit? Yes. Oh, it looks good on you though. I love one of his peach pit trips. He's wearing a full on leisure suit and it looks fucking awesome. It's like navy blue and there's like a floral patterned shirt. There's like a pocket on it too.

Like a chest pocket on this suit jacket. It's very cool. This guy could have been like a regular at like Richard Dawson house parties or something. Of course. That's where his wife died. Richard Dawson's pool. He kissed her a little too hard

and she drowned. Now Mr. Dangel, 100 people have seen your wife. Richard, my wife's back there with an ass in her cock. We asked 100 people to bone your wife.

and they all should guess. What is she now? Let's look at the big board. Dog food. Just dead. Bing! So whatever, that's kind of the episode there. What's everybody feeling here?

This was, again, really regular, regular, A story, B story, only on the twins. What's Eric Siska, how you feeling? Are you looking forward to more of this? You ever want to get out of your house again or no? No, you know what? I'm going to start wishing never to leave the house because then I feel like then the lockdown will end. That's a good call.

You start neg in this lockdown. Exactly. Like I've been trying to be all like romancey, but you've got to do the neg first. So I'm going to say this episode, even though it was very regular, degular, I found it comforting. And it kind of was like we're into the grooves of the show

a little bit now that I don't need to be fed everything. And I'm like, got it. okay that guy's a dick he's still being a dick okay all right i don't need to learn anything um and neither do our uh well i guess brandon learns not to cheat interesting episode uh i'm excited for the rest sure parting shots uh chris cabbin fuck brandon okay that's great thank you very much i want to mention that on the on the thing we used to record this remotely uh we can name our audio tracks and chris cabin usually names it something like kill brandon i hate Brandon, kill all Brandon's super pack. He's getting creative with it.

Kill all Brandon's Superpack was pretty great. Andrew Jubin? Yeah, you know, it was interesting. This is much like last week's 902.00, it's very much a cookie cutter teen problem episode, right? Like last week, it was like we're doing a race relations thing, which a lot of shows have done. This episode is, oh, now someone's cheating on a test, aren't they? Which, again, has been done a thousand times. So, I don't know why, but I did like it more than last week's episode as far as... Well, I mean, I guess I know why.

I mean, they handled cheating on a test better than they handle race relations. Yeah. But it felt less of a after-school special type thing, I guess is what I'm saying. Even though it's a well, you know, well-laid ground of cheating on a test kind of plot line. but again dude like I'm just I'm missing more Dylan I'm waiting for another Dylan centric episode I know it's not next week that's more of a Kelly territory which is fine because I am just excited to have centric episodes on characters that are not these twins yeah and I know and I know we're getting there so yeah I mean I kind of I agree

I like this episode was fun enough I actually like the performance of Mr. Danzel for some reason it's a nice little performance I think um yeah it's kind of amazing that Jim Walsh refuses to learn this lesson so last week he's like I'm gonna push Brandon to be a basketball star and everyone's like stop I'm gonna push Brandon to be a history star

stop yep exactly and meanwhile Brenda is like fucking dying on the inside yeah it was a totally fun episode yes next week is a banger of an episode I'm not gonna oversell it but there's some spills and chills and all sorts of fun stuff

it's probably one of my favorite episodes of the first season just an FYI oh my god now this is this is quite the hype dude you know i thought i was trying to wish away my life and time before but now i'm really excited to get to the next fucking week of this shit yeah dude it's super exciting everything's great uh this is uh obviously we have uh melrose place coming up on thursday the turn of malachi throne oh yeah dude and we've also got a ton of great stuff going to we're starting pirates month guys because it's all May

and early June we're getting into all of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies we've already laid two or three down as of this recording and I can tell you we talk a lot about other things of the pirate movies you're a lot of fun you know if you think oh I'm going to get exhausted by that conversation

nope you won't it's different because the last thing we want to do is talk about those movies so it's actually kind of great they're just like free chats. A free space. Whatever you want to rap about.

Yeah, so that's coming up. We got on our, what do you call it there? On our Patreon feed, as always, we will not be doing pirate stuff. We're going to be doing The Ring as a We Love movie episode from Gore Vibinsky's The Ring, not Ringoo. That'll be fun. Some Naomi Watts, some fucking Brian Cox. I'm totally pumped for that, actually, because I have not rewatched this movie since college. Yeah.

I'm super excited to revisit. Is it? We'll get to it in the episode, but I saw it pretty recently. And I will say, yeah, we got animation, damnation. The Jetsons is coming this month. And we've got a cool Gleap glossary on some pig guards. Yes, yes. We're doing one of the gormarian guards from Jabba's Palace,

because once lockdown ends, we are all going to be giant pig people. I'm merging from the darkness. I got to tell you, I got to tell you, speaking of giant pig people, just putting it out on the table. yesterday I put on a We Hate Movies hoodie that I haven't worn in a while and my first thought was wow this wasn't always this type

oh it sure wasn't yeah oh lord it's really hitting me we're actually recording this episode on my birthday and I'm like I need to get my fucking life together like this is fucking it's like a reckoning so that's it

for this week thank you all for listening we'll see you tomorrow and Thursday we just got too much fucking content to talk about. So until next time I have been Stephen Siddak. Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Take it easy and remain indoors. That was a hate gum podcast.

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