We Hate Movies - MELR0210 #16 - Melrose Place "Lonely Hearts"

Episode Date: May 14, 2020

We wrap up another week in quarantine with our Melrose Place half of MELR0210 covering the creep-tacular episode, "Lonely Hearts"! Originally airing back on September 2nd, 1992, this ep features Sandy getting stalked and no one believing her, Alison neurotically and boringly trying to buy a car, Billy being an awful shopping partner, Jake almost getting arrested (again), Rhonda reaching annoyingly high levels of horny, Michael giving terrible advice, Jane casually mentioning she was receiving obscene phone calls, and Matt driving Rhonda to the airport! PLUS: Legendary announcer Joe Buck has the call for... what he sees walking down the street? MELR0210 is a new show we put together to help you pass the time during this more-than-necessary social distancing period. New episodes will air Mondays and Thursdays, right here on the main feed! So stay home, tune in, and yearn for the more innocent and sexy time of the 1990s! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Hello and welcome to another edition of Melro 210, our quarantine side show here on the We Hate Movies podcast. Yeah. You know, on Monday we're going to talk about Beverly Hills 90210. And on Thursdays, which is today we're going to talk about Melrose Place. So we ask you to remain indoors and put on your sunscreen because we're going to the sunset strip and we're going to get stalked till we're nearly dead. I am joined, as always, with my good friends, Eric Siska. Hello.

Christopher Cabin. Ahoy, hoi. And Andrew Juppin. Yo. Somebody just came in their pants out there. I guarantee you. I'll tell you what I'll tell you what I've seen

some very positive fan reaction to my Alf greeting and for those super fans out there I'll just throw another yo on the fire two yos in one episode I don't know if it's fucking handling they need more time

they gotta build back up man The nation needed to heal and I think Alph Yowing is gonna do it totally dude I'm down today we are talking about Melrose play season one episode 8 Lonely Hearts original air date

September the 2nd, 1992. We're finally in the fall fucking season of Melrose Place eight weeks out. Absolutely, dude. Here we are. It's a very kind way to describe what happens in this fucking episode. The lonely, oh, that's what he has. He's lonely arts. He's not a psychotic.

No, the lonely hearts in this episode, dude, are fucking Sandy and Jake. Oh. Their stars might be crossed. I don't know. Such a fucking crazy episode. It's nuts the way they treat this situation. So there's two storylines.

I think we're going to do a little quiz show, take the first part last, because I do want to build up to Sandy's storyline. We'll do Allison's total fucking dud of a car storyline first. Yeah, I think that's a great call, Steve. It is a real lemon of a storyline. I do want to point out, though, just another thing. I love finding stuff with this intro. intro theme songs

and intro montages fascinate me I did mention a couple weeks back I watched fucking 25 minutes of 902 and no intros that one time great bit here there's a couple of shots of then having a great time at that Johnny Rockets we've mentioned from time to time

I noticed there is one part though of this intro where they're at the Johnny Rockets and it's Michael Thomas Calabro the actor staring off into space like he's so miserable to be at these Johnny Rockets with these people. He's like, I am a fucking doctor. I cannot believe I'm here with my wife's terrible friends. Michael is 100% the type of guy who sends back his fries if they're not hot enough or if they're not crispy enough, maybe even and you know what he says, Cabin it's even more condescending because then he just goes,

hey, did you mind just nuking these for a few minutes? Yeah. He tries to make, he's trying to be a friend with you. And I don't need that shit. Thank you. I do think, to be fair to Michael, he gets four and a half hours off a week. So, and just spend it out of fucking Johnny Rockets while not bawling your wife is a bit of a problem. Yeah, no, you're not wrong there, Steve. He's only at the Johnny Rockets or cleaning this fucking pool. That's his recreation time. Which we'll get to at the Sandy Sterling, but I do want to mention my own.

I picked up a little something for the theme song. It's actually kind of a retread. It's still Billy on the street nudging this ponytail. guy and oh yeah it just was watching it and it's such because it's the grainy footage it's the way like you don't believe a single second that andrew shoe is acting it just it looks like something out of like and i just watched heat so this has something to do with it like surveillance footage like all right we're going to wait for him we're going to wait for him to nudge the ponytail guy oh that's a go it's a go he's a go swarm swarm yeah you're totally right dude it's like oh

we just pass something off to that ponytail guy get him it's a solo it's a bye it's a bye he's buying fake ponytails from that guy so yeah we start off on this storyline where Allison is coming home from work she's got soot all over her face like a fucking cockney goddamn chimney sweep one second I just thought of something to go with the Andrews thing phony tails oh nice

right ponytail a fake ponytail would be a phony tail I think we could make ourselves a what do you call it there a quarantine business here. Fony Tales. Absolutely. We take orders. We don't ship them at.

Yeah. Hasn't anybody run to GoDaddy yet to get phonytails.com or dot biz, I guess? That's probably some massive porn thing. Yeah, that's a good point. You ever just put it in a URL wrong? And it's just like, well, here's your porn.

Here's that porn you ordered on facebunk.com. Hey, I checked it out right now, by the way. FonyTales.com GoDaddy says that it is available. Okay. Interesting. Should we just buy it and have it redirect to our website?

Fony Tales is available. Just so you know that. It could be a website for you. And it looks like phonytails. Dot biz just does not even exist. So we're good. Guys, we're good.

So Allison shows up. Her car has broken down on the freeway or whatever the fuck. She barely gets home. And she's like complaining. about it, she's calling, oh man, Betsy was giving me so much trouble. I was like, what the heck is Betsy?

Oh, Bethy, like some history weren't telling me about or what? I don't think, why haven't you set me up with Bethany yet? What are you doing for Billy here? So, yeah. I do want to take back something that I've been complaining about through this whole show so

far. Oh, correction. Just as far as my visit to the complaint department around Billy moving this computer all over the place because now in this scene he's got it parked right in the front door but he's in the living room he's working however did you get a look at this desk it's a grown ass like professional soccer player Andrew shoe size person sitting at this tiny little kid desk on a little tiny computer this guy cannot win with this shit and I was like no no desk for this this looks terrible

continue dragging it around the apartment the son of a furniture baron and you got a play school set like this yeah i think it's a rebellious act like i'm gonna have i'm gonna have terrible furniture oh yeah you you you don't like that i'm in your business dad well how about this i'm gonna buy a desk from ikea kia oh man you know my computer was actually a kid's toy the monitor just had a sticker on it it took me six weeks to figure that out i'm I want a whittle, whittle death, please. A whittle, whittle, whittle desk. Stupid fake computer.

I was wondering why all my stories weren't saving. It's like an easy bake oven. Oh, my cupcakes are ready. My article must have been great. Oh, creepy quality. Also, like, she's clearly so upset about this car situation. And he's like, well, I guess that rules out. You go and fucking grocery shopping then.

Come on, man. Yeah, because she's like, oh my God, I don't know what the fucking would do, Billy is like, oh, so grocery, yes or no. Not only do you not know what you're going to do about your car, you don't know what you're going to do about our dinner either, do you, Allison. And it's just, that's just way too domestic. You know what, Bill, you need to go to the fucking grocery store. You're my roommate, go to the fucking grocery store, get your groceries, and shut up.

Exactly, dude, you can go out on your own throughout the day, Billy, and go pick up that bag of Cheetos or whatever it is you're fucking clamoring for. so she's like oh man my car I've had it forever Betsy has gotten me through a lot of hard times I don't know if I can get rid of it and he's like listen Allison it's the go go 90s

and it's time for you to get a crippling auto loan and her response to this is excellent because she's like Billy every time I trust you something terrible happens I was like well she's learning it's great well yeah exactly

every time you touch something you get an electric shock usually you stop touching it in most scientific experiments so she decides to go get her own uh she takes billy's advice which is terrible well not really i mean this car is a piece of shit uh it's time for it she needs a new car it's it's la uber is still a decade off uh at least you know what i kept thinking during this episode is that jake is a mechanic yeah oh that's a really good point yeah i never thought of that actually. Pay him for like buy the parts and have him do the labor for free because everyone leans on Jake. Yes. It's true. As well because they've all got the goods on him. You know what I mean? Like the smells that come the screams. No one ever calls 9-1-1. The Kelly situation. He's had sex with

everyone. You could always broker sex for mechanic work. I'm sure. Well, I think it's a thing too where like they're trying to keep their distance and not interfere too much because he's got tapes on all of them, dude. Guaranteed. That's true. Yeah, it's a real sliver situation. Yep, exactly right. And anytime you step in that bedroom, man, woman, or dog, dude, you're getting filmed. And the problem is, is Allison can never fuck Jake, like, in their bedroom because then it would be, you could not live with Billy anymore. He would just be yammering at you nonstop. Kevin, we came close to this a couple weeks ago, and they did sleep together and Billy was insufferable. So, yeah, dude. But if it was a full boning, then yes, I do think it would be, you'd have to move.

to another part of L.A. Allison, we need to talk. Yeah, just come in here for a second. Sit down on my play school set here, Allison. Play-Doh. You want some Play-Doh? Would you like a thicker? I heard about the boning, Allison.

There's a real boning between you and Jake. Hold on. I'm just getting a report here about the back walls. Hold on. Wait a second. Oh, do you like him better just because he made you come, Allison? Come on. Is that all?

The answer is obviously, yes, Billy. Come on. That's how I'd feel. He's breached the back walls. Okay, ponytail guy is in the street. That's the move. Go, go, go. That's the signal. He tapped his chest. There needs to be like a fat 1970s detective type of shit going on.

Yeah, what was the dude? What's his name? What was, uh, is it James Houtkins? the guy who played Eckhart. William Woodkins. Yeah, what the fuck was Houtkins up to me? Get him down to the place. He was still kicking. Cross over with NYPD Blue get Dennis Franz around here. Absolutely. You put them in a fucking flower truck or something. I mean, I can't believe I had to come all the way out to the West Coast to try to catch this rapist. I'm on the case of Melrose. Yeah, I mean, Mel Rowe is a nefarious individual. That much we know, Malachi Throne has been seemingly in the precipity. And Jake is

got a rap sheet a mile long. This place is bugged up and down. Yeah, I'm looking for somebody named Jake Haskam, also known, aka Jake Hanson, aka Jake Hansom, aka Jake Haskins, aka Jake Haskins, aka the riverboat strangler. A riverboat. You're walking to a deli in this talent and you ask them for a beef sandwich. They don't even know what they're talking about. Sal it the fuck is that. So, whatever, they go to a used car lot, this hilarious looking and sounding character actor who I love named John Del Regno shows up.

This guy, I don't even, he doesn't have the trache thing for cigarettes, but it's like, how do you get your voice like this? Also cigarettes. Yeah, I guess that's fair. I mean, I feel like this dude was not far off from getting that surgery potentially. I don't know, man, he's really, oh, my God. you want to buy this car or what this guy is beleaguered

his time is wasted it is ridiculous usually you have like oh the used car salesman that's like a bad guy or whatever but this is like it's the hero of the show listen this is how auto loads work and she's just like I don't know

you're only going to give me $300 for my piece of shit car I love that car I honestly can't give a shit about a fucking car he does also kind of talk like the scumbag salesman from the simpsons that we always do yes a little bit it was like a real life version of that he's also um i've definitely seen and somebody please shout out i'm i guarantee you i know for a fact he has played a porn theater operator in something and i just can't place it ooh and or like a work a day flop

house people are fucking upstairs kind of like the the the guy that's taking tickets and Is he the guy who's running the theater in hardcore? Very possibly. He's definitely not in The Exterminator, which, by the way, is a side order of slees on patreon.com slash we ate movies this past month. Yeah, you'll find out what a chicken, is it a chicken party or a chicken house?

Chicken house? Yeah. Yikes. Well, I'll say that this dude was on an episode of Urkel. That probably wasn't it. First of all, Erkel goes to the board. He was not an episode of Erkel. Drew's an episode of fucking family

matters. Yeah, I don't know, man. If you fucking watched any of that show live on ABC after the third season, you couldn't tell me it wasn't called Erkel. They knew it. I knew it. Audiences across America knew it. That family didn't mean fucking shit once Steve Erkel came around. Well, Steve, you know,

Alf is telling you this so you can trust it. Also, everybody knows the episode where Ed Winslow goes to the porno theater, so it could have been him right there. God damn it. It's Carl Winslow. Did you not watch a minute of Erkel? I only watched a minute. Urkel.

What are you drinking fucking soda out of used jelly jars, you fucking trash hole? It's family matters. Wow. Was lit was legit drinking some soda out of a fucking jelly jar maybe two hours ago. That's okay to drink out of a mason jar. Hey, I don't know if this is it. I can't actually pinpoint what the episode is, but it says he was on an episode of Seinfeld playing manager. Oh, okay, yeah, that might be it.

Oh, the one where Jerry and Kramer go to the porno theater. Kramer's bootlegging it. Oh, wait, here we. Oh, fuck. No, wait. I had it. Hang on. Click on that little eye. Oh, it's the not great busboy episode. Oh, okay. So maybe he's the restaurant match. That episode stinks. You've selected hitting the back walls. It is playing at 4 o'clock. And finally, why don't you just tell me the name of the porno you want to watch?

So he's just like, hey, look, this is the best. She falls in love with this red convertible. Billy's like, oh, you've got to play hard. Trust me, Allison. My dad sells furniture. I know everything about salesmanship. Furniture sales and car sales are the exact same thing. Do you remember when I famously washed out from fucking selling couches for three days?

I know everything there is to know about selling. Famously washed out and happened six days ago. To be fair, I did sell. a couch a single couch Allison so I am salesman of the day so whatever you know that's kind of her thing she's trying to buy this car but she's like all right I'm not going to do the trade-in thing because this guy's ripped me off I'm going to go through a series of comical scenes wherein I'm trying to sell this car first to this old lady who's like this is a lemon oh I love this old lady dude this old lady's great she's like all right mind if I just pass

the hood here and Alison's like all incredulous about it and the second that this lady opens her up she's just like oh yep got to need a bunch of spark plugs there that tube's about to burst rust here i see looks like the transmission's going to get and i was like take that alison are you fucking serious showing this piece of shit to me my eyes are bad enough it's insane the Sherlock home shit that this lady does right here she's like oh let me guess came from the Midwest did you yes salt on the roads in the winter, slits a car's life in half, it does. Oh, yeah, go Packers. Go away, is what I say. Bet you weren't expecting me. A nice, unassuming old lady to know everything there is about

cars, you wicked little girl. Hey, everyone, everyone, everybody. Does everybody want to see a turd? Come over here and see a turd on four wheels. Allison owes her money at this point. Absolutely. water pumps ready to blow dear so she gets fucking humiliated on the street in front of Melrose place about this car and then the next thing that comes over is this really sweet young girl who you know is in a fucking like

a McDonald's-esque kind of uniform she doesn't have a ton of money she's obviously new in town she's got it's only a couple of days before the riverboat strangler gets her anyway yeah totally dude Jake's eye in her but she's like oh you know

this is a great car. I have just enough money to pay what you want. Is it okay? Is it going to break down on me? Because if it does, I won't be able to fix it. Oh, gosh. Oh, I'm so earnest. She's also talking about the color like it's a Douglas Cirque

movie. But it's like bubble gum blue. It's like faded as shit. Yeah, I couldn't understand the obsession with pointing out how cool the color was. I didn't get it. I don't get it. I will say there's a scene in between these two scenes of people looking at the car

where she and Billy go to shooters to discuss the fate of Betsy and there's two hilarious things that happen one is Billy is the fucking audacity to say that just because Allison has given her car a name she needs therapy

you've got like where you've got problems to make listen Allison I'm your nightmare roommate so I'm going to tell you all about your problems one you have problems with men obviously two you want to have sex with your car what are you a car lesbian I think you might be a car lesbian

elephant hey got a real car lesbian over here everybody that there's a while they're having this conversation though it was a real laugh at loud moment they're playing pool and Billy breaks it's like not a great break but then

Courtney Thorne Smith fucking whiffs hard on her turn and like barely hits the cue ball One ball like kind of gently rolls. And the amazing thing is neither of the actors break and they continue the scene as if that was a totally acceptable shot for her to make.

It's incredible the whiffage that happens here. There's also a part where Billy's actually racking up. Also like just looking at a pool table, I'm like, holy shit, I'd love to be anywhere near one of those. I'd love to be doing terrible at pool in public right now. Oh, absolutely. It takes me an hour to play pool. If you see me at the bar and I'm playing pools,

like, well, I'm just not going to even bother because that guy's going to be there all day. But Billy racks up. He racks, he takes the triangle off but leaves it on the felt and Allison has to put it away. It's like, dude. I noticed that too. It's fucked up. I'm an asshole. He's so inconsiderate and everything.

Like, how stupid are you? So this earnest girl and she's like, oh, Allison, I would, or miss, I would love to do this. But it's, oh, my meager funds. don't know if I'd be able to handle it. And she's, Allison, you know, doesn't have it in her to rip this girl off. So she's like, no, it's actually, the car is actually an enormous piece of shit.

I do like this old lady. McDonald's uniform she's wearing this girl. Yeah. It's like a Burger King almost, I think. Yeah. There was a brown. There was a pin with fucking French fries on it. Oh.

I could use that. Also, you get a cut to Billy and he looks disgusted that Allison would allow. Allow this sale to slip through her fingers. You had it right where you wanted her, Allison. She was about to get ripped off by you, and you ruined it. That was an insect. You crush insects, Allison. Yeah, because you're just in love with their car, you weird car, lands being.

She's like, what? Why am I living with you? The fucking, the icing on the cake to end this exchange, though, with this girl is she's like, well, thanks for your honesty. I guess I'll keep looking. And then like you see this actress trying to get on this huge bicycle to fucking go away. Oh, it's so funny. It only was missing a little like ding ding, ding, like ringing the bell as she goes off.

She starts juggling oranges. And Jake is making a note of the make and model of that bicycle. This looks like a job for the riverboat Strangler. I sure hope she doesn't take that bike on a riverboat anytime soon. I either date them or kill them. So Allison's like, you know what? I'm going to just give my car away to this. I'm going to do the trade-in after all.

What a waste of everyone's time. So she goes back to the original dealership. She's about to do the trade-in. And she's like, hold on. This is a bad deal. Look at all this interest I get. He's like, yeah, what do you want to fucking call, lady? he just turns into a bunch of cigarette ash what i love about this too is like alan like

i mean alison learning for the first time like what alone means yes yes exactly yep wait hold on i have to pay this but i pay you back more than i took from you well that doesn't seem fair uh it's like oh it's the way of the world alston you can't go back now look you're gonna have hey walk and he goes this is why the car lesbian is so poor is because he goes, I'm going to tell you, you've got to name this red car a male name. I just, I will not be living with a car. He suggests, he suggests, like, Luigi is one of them. It's all Italian men names.

Well, that's what he's like, he's like, oh, yeah, I don't know. How about like Luigi or Giuseppe or I don't know, as long as it's Italian and masculine. And I was like, I was like, okay, William Campbell. another thing just really quick is this is like basically the last scene of Allison's thread here she after deciding not to rip off the girl she's like cleaning out her car before she takes it to the dealership to trade it in and she's telling Billy all about how like this car in her like oh yes got through so many adventures uh you know she saved up and bought the car when she was in high school she loaded up the backseat in the trunk uh you know when she went to college

She was always the D.D. in college because she was paranoid about a GPA. And then, oh, the P.S. de resistance. She fucking lost her virginity in the backseat. Billy's like, what, you mean this back seat right here? Wow. Stop, stop. I need to smell the back seat. Stop. Stop. I need to smell it. And it's ridiculous. She's like, well, yeah. Because he's like your car or something like that.

And she's like, yeah, the guy I was dating at it at the time didn't have a car. as if it's like this huge thing and the look that Andrew Shoe gives right here is like, well, what a fucking loser. Also, there's a line in this exchange about one of the adventures was a group of frat frat boys lifted

this car up onto like the administrative steps of the school. Oh, right, like a Mentos commercial. It was the only, it's a real-life Mentos commercial happened. And it was the only ticket she ever received. Well, that's probably,

what it was, they're all just high, like, you, Allison's car looks pretty light. We could do that. I guarantee you, the five of us and Reggie, we could lift that car. Mentos, man, toast, man. I mean, you saw the Food Fighters video, right? They could do it. If they could do it, we can do it. Totally. Also, did you know Reggie fucked her in the back of that car? Reggie doesn't even have a car.

Reggie. Reggie. So whatever, she actually, she looks at the deal, and she actually sees her beloved Betsy on the back of a pickup truck or a back of a tow truck going away obviously to the scrap heap and she's like no I can't give it up and Billy's like well this was a waste of an episode

we didn't even learn anything well not before he gets to do the fucking baby thing and eat a big bowl of ice cream Jesus Christ this scene yeah this is actually last episode of the episode wait I'm sorry since Wendley is eating a big bowl of ice cream exclusive to children it's not a big

melty like it's like he left it out for an hour after he made it well maybe I got distracted yeah like it was soup he's eating soup ice cream I would eat soup soup ice cream and watch

Nosferatu that might be the next level of quarantine I think it is I think that is specifically what it's even called the ice cream soup Nosferatu level

he is watching Nosferatu shitting his pants in terror at this 100 year old film I'm sorry Nobody goes Oh fuck Nospiratu Does he even know what he's reacting to

Because it's just supposed to be Oh it's a light night Haar movie Allison Well here's the thing I would be saying Holy shit Nospratu If I was watching this version Which apparently just has a bunch of

Fake fucking sound effects added to it On top of the score They had like What is that shit Do a new score for it Well I mean I think the idea Is that in the world of Melrose place German expressionism was a lot

shittier I mean but there's downright like a fucking scream that happens once the credits roll and I'm like do you understand what a silent film is I mean maybe there was because it was in public domain for ages like maybe

there was a thing where like someone made a score where there was sound effects if that's the case it's just like watching it's a wonderful life in the colorized version man turn it the fuck off or maybe it's like a dubbed maybe Woody Allen after what's up Tiger Lily, dubbed a version of Nosferatia as well.

That's XXXRated. Thought I tackled German expressionism next. I also, I stalked and preyed on children too. Yeah, I'm the riverboat strangling. It's just going to be

Count Orlock's castle. Eek! I'm so scared. Orlock. Whatever. So, this whole scene is basically like, it's them. he's eating ice cream. He's scared. He's like, this is what I'd do. When I was a kid,

if I couldn't sleep, I'd watch a late night horror movie on television. And she's like, Billy, you think I'm not growing up. This is really childish. Move over. And she starts eating his ice cream. Like, A, number one, get your own fucking ice cream. Yep. B, this is an enormous couch, and we're not sleeping

together. Get to the other side. She kind of has some comment, though, about, like, Billy, watch the movie. Like, eyes on the TV. because she's in like you know sleep shorts and whatnot he's like oh look a little better view over here in this movie this movie i'm making with my eyes alison she is eating billy spit soup yeah dude same spoon like again like are you guys fucking or what i am sorry you're either soon enough i know uh so that's that horrific storyline i'm sorry that i'm not a female car

Sorry I'm not a fucking born Torres named Erica or something Whatever it is you lesbian car lesbians He's called to He's Kyle Chandler and Carol Oh my God What is this this car?

I want you to get out of my house On this Christmas That's the end of that Terrible storyline We go to the actual the A storyline, which is most of the episode, which is, and we start with Sandy and Rhonda, just a couple of gals

out in the town hat shopping. Absolutely. Have you ever been taken an afternoon at the habitashery? Come on, man. It's like they've never bought hats before. Sandy is like, what is a hat anyway? And it's like, what the fuck are you

talking about? I will say that I've never explicitly gone hat shopping. Like, I've bought a hat whilst shopping. But I've never left the house specifically to go buy a hat. Oh, child, you put it on your head. Has anyone here, aside from myself, bought a hat from Lids? I remember Lids?

Yeah, I've bought a hat from Lids. Yeah. Those were like in the malls and stuff, right? They were, yeah. Mainly, if not exclusively, like, sports-related hats. Yes. Your lid would have a sports team on it. Yes.

I think I bought a New York Rangers' Lids hat at one point. I remember I almost bought a Hornets cap just because I liked the logo. Oh, for sure. It was a cool logo. Yeah, I almost did that. That's 30% of the reason that team still exists. That's why I had a fucking Charlotte Hornets starter jacket in the sixth grade. You think I fucking cared about that basketball team?

No, there was a cool bug on it wearing sneakers. You just love Hornets. Exactly. How about these murder hornets, folks? You hear about this murder hornets? You've been watching too much lettermen. I wish if I if I was really I could like come up with something to say after the setup you know those things I feel are like the the pandemic like additional terror thing that's just not going to take off

I feel like last week it was like murder horn at this murder hornet that it's already fallen off the radar yeah ideally I don't need I don't need no more murder hornet so speaking of murder hornet Paul shows up. He's this guy. And we kind of, it's weird because the episode starts on him walking like it's like he's fucking Joe Buck, just walking down the strip. What do you mean by that? He's walking like Joe Buck?

Oh, that Joe Buck. Yeah, so like Midnight Cowboy. I thought you meant like sports announcer Joe Buck and I was like, what? You know he famously would walk around the street telling you what Fox shows were coming on next. Coming up next on the sidewalk, we've got the original Johnny Rockets here in Los Angeles, going to want to stick around for that right after a new season premiere of the Connors. The second Taco Bell to pop up in L.A. So he's just narrating and walking down the street.

Coming up next is a bunch of used gum. Here's to be stepped on. Well, now I'm stepping in it. 9 o'clock. All right. And the crosswalk tells me I'm able to go here. I'm going to make it hopefully not get caught by the umpire here. And coming up next, it's a fucking radio shack.

I have homeless man taking a shit right on the sidewalk. Next up on sidewalk stories. Coming up next. Oh, look, it's a big red hand telling me not to go anywhere. Yeah, I'm out at home here. No, this is my house. Coming up next, I'm ducking into the movies for a little while. Coming up next, I'm taking a hot shableness.

hour. Please stay here. It's a porno movie. So yeah, we watch him find them at the hat store. They're trying to unhats. This guy's a real but his face. Yeah, dude. Like he's tall. He's kind of good looking, but he's just... No, that's the thing.

Not good looking. Yeah. I think the body is fine, but this face, it is a Dullard's face. You know what it is? You have a lot in common with Sandy. Huh? You have a lot. You have a lot in common with Sandy, you both reject this guy. Yes.

Well, he's, I mean, the problem is, this is, I think, a problem with the episode is this guy's just a drip. You know what I mean? Like, he's not scary as he should be. And like, when he has to turn it on, he can't get there. That's the problem because the look I think is perfect, because

it's very unassuming. Yes. Right? I think that's what it's supposed to be. Like, when he initially meets them at the haberdashery, you know, he's getting a with them. He's like being flirtatious with Sandy about the hats, this, that, and the other thing. You know, and he's secretly like,

Paul the loner. You know, so like when you need him to get into that kind of a headspace, like he just can't fucking do it. Well, I think they're trying to show like there's, it's like the banality of evil, right? Like all, there's, there's psychos out there that aren't

exciting psychos. They're just you know, losers that could possibly kill you. On this date they go on, he's like doing his a sideways I am a wine speech but it's about fucking plants and I'm like

I just met you motherfucker when Sandy finds out that he works with plants she's like oh no child she hates plants oh ew child you like plants so much ew y'all

he's got his hand around dirt all day I do love this guy because he's like an eco-terrorist and uses nature against her and like does it in these weird grand grand ways he's sort of like a Batman villain he's like a male poison Ivy actually

yeah yeah is like a male poison Ivy that's pretty good except for all the plants ignore him or I should say he's more like the swamp thing villain because that's a man the Floronic man Dr. Jason Woodrew oh right possibly I was about to ask what would you name a male

poison Ivy they already did Yeah, you just listed it. I was going to say bark. Oh, I think bark would kind of work. Look out for bark. Tonight at nine, after the sidewalk, Bark, you on Fox. Catching the series premiere of the new hit thriller, Bark on Fox. Yep, a new hit thriller. I wasn't watching where I was going,

walked right into a tree. It's bark. He talks to plants and they ignore them. Bark. coming up after the crosswalk hit and run I do love this dude is like he offers up like

oh hey how about Angelini's for dinner Angelini's on third and it's kind of crazy because like she's and here's the thing this whole thread is about people not respecting

Sandy's intelligence absolutely right so like it starts from the jump because she's like, I don't know, Rhonda. I really don't give a shit about going out with this guy, y'all. And she's just like, no, Sandy, you have to do it. You have to go out with this guy. And then, like, she even tries to be like, oh, well, Rhonda, we're busy tonight, aren't we, y'all?

And she's just like, oh, I don't give a shit, Sandy. I'm not doing anything. I'll clear your schedule for the bark killer. Because, yeah, it is a thing we're like, because, of course, Ronda is so desperate for dick. she just wants everyone around her to be fucking so she can smell it. Yep. She even says something about like, you know, give me the details. So I got a fucking vicariously masturbate for something here.

Like go on a fucking date later. You're good looking. Do it. So they go on this date, like they said, at Angelini's. And he's wearing this fucking huge suit jacket, by the way, this fucking David Byrne size suit. I mean, it's like. It's like. It's the 90s, dude.

I know, dude. it's really awful like men's wear in the 90s was really bad but like this is like it really hammers home how I feel about this dude which is like you know he's just he's got such a youthful face like he's still got like a little teenager face almost sure so it's weird that he's on a date with a grown woman

anyway so like on top of all that he's wearing this huge jacket and I was just like this is a little kid maybe on the shoulders of another little kid inside of this fucking suit coat. I should, a dumb kid, like a very stupid kid. Like I don't. Why is he stupid? I think he just has a stupid look

to him. Yeah, he does. Yeah, it's a bit vacant. So he's just like coming up next on Fox. Chris Cabin presents throwing stones. I'm just joking. I would watch that doll. Just Chris.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Is he in like an abandoned warehouse district kind of a thing? Yeah, I don't care which fucking glass house I'm in. So they're on this date. It's not going terribly well. He does. He's like, yeah, I just moved here. Much like most people are age.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm like, dude, you got to wait for that, buddy. You got to wait for that. Also, the thing that they do on movies and television a lot when you want to really hammer home, you guys, this is going to be a bad date. He's like, oh, hey, so do you like red wine? And she's like, no, child. I actually like, ooh, white wine. And the guy's like, go, white wine. Okay, I think we can work this out. Yeah, that's fine. And I'm like, hey, guys, three words, buy the glass. Also, more words. Let's see what we're ordering first. You know what I mean?

That's, yep, good call, Steve. We don't know what we're eating. yet we cannot pick the wine first makes no sense so he reveals that he works at a nursery and he loves plants and she's like wow that's really boring child oh no

this is a bad date y'all I'm just gonna go and he's like well I could just take you home and she's like well no we took separate calls and remember he's like well I could follow you and that right there is

you know what that is that's like okay cool you know what my address is one two three four police station plaza yeah at that point you have to slash his tires and get in your car and go exactly like that's the only option I'm sorry or let him down here she does when for some reason

in the fucking plaza in the in the veranda of Melrose place I know the fuck you want to call this place a grotto the pool area but like just put let him down here and be like hey look this didn't really work out I really don't feel comfortable with you knowing my

address for literally no reason. I'm also not going to give you a hand job. I just want to be really clear about that right now. Hand jobs off the table. I mean, that needs to be spelled out, I feel. I mean, this guy's just too dense. Like, he can't pick up on a hint and he's just like, well, you know, just like

they've taught me on that hit show, Urkel, persistence. I'm just going to keep coming for you. I'm wearing her down. Exactly. There is another fucking terror line. I mean, it is like back to back to back to back terror lines here. because she's like a separate cars remember and he says that's okay i'll follow you yikes enough

right there she in her head at that point is like douche chill to which he responds with you didn't think i'd let you get away that easily did you yeah and also at this point i'm like you know what i'm going to call any of my mail i'm going to call matt good old fucking saint matt to come and tell this guy to leave me alone like immediately like that's what i'm going to wasn't matt watching or was that Jake in the bush Jake? He drops her off in the in the air and like he does he kiss her here? Do he kiss her on the cheek or something?

He kisses her after being like oh let me walk you to your door and she's like no that's cool and he goes no which is yours. Yes exactly also that's when you're like my apartment is right here where my boyfriend or my roommate, whatever you want to

call him Jake is sitting outside so what's your we should mention that Rhonda has gone to Houston on an aerobics conference? Not just yet she will be. Oh, okay. But that heightens the danger of the scenario because she's got no one. So what's

your Instagram handle? Is it just your first name underscore last name? Or is there something like, I don't know, I hate when people don't have easy to find Instagrams. I mean, do you have your blood type like readily available for me to look at? You're not private, are you?

Oh, ew. What kind of porn do you watch? So she like, but she lets him down. She's like, listen, y'all, my life is really complicated right now. And I can't do anything with you because you're gross. And in Sandy's defense right here, there is nothing that could be misconstrued. She is like, dude, I'm not up for dating right now. Thanks for dinner.

Oh, you've kissed me. That's great. I'm going to end this right now. Oh, sorry, chat. I don't date dumb children, child. And then, like, he leaves and Jake from the shadows is drinking. And he's like, well, that was awkward. And I'm like, God, can this woman catch a break?

It's insane. He starts, the first way he makes himself known to her as goes, well, well, well. Man, that is like the last thing I want to hear. He finishes up his belt zips up. I'm just out here Listen to the grasshoppers Like it's totally cool to be on your In your outdoor area

Just kind of chilling out Having a beer By yourself in the dark Not making your presence known Not having like a book with you Maybe a radio It sounds pretty cool to me Sounds pretty cool

I'm kind of down with it dude I mean I've done something similar On my balcony Although out there I don't have to make My presence known to anyone Which is the key difference But also They know you as to watch

Watcher. Help her. It's not like the two of them are alone, though, because Rhonda is fucking standing at the top of the stairs watching the whole thing go down too. It's your classic Melrose Place problem. You cannot fucking go on a date without these goblins getting involved.

You cannot. And Sandy finally just calls it for what it is. She's like, gosh, Chad. I'm living in a building of voyeurs. And I was like, yep, that's Melrose Place. so then the next day they're having your classic Melrose Place afternoon barbecue pool party thing

and uh-oh Paul is there and I guess Sandy it was Sandy's trying to go get the fucking hot dog buns which seems like some sort of a weird story I don't know what that's about It's like they're gonna train You're on bun duty Sandy

I wanted a whole episode about bun duty She said it took Yeah I was sorry No no she said it took a while because they were looking for specifically whole wheat buns. So I imagine she went to a few stores. Yeah. What kind of psychopaths want whole wheat buns?

Yeah, that's a great question to be honest. It's California, dude, man. Health food. Loonichips. Ketsup. Ketsup. Ketsup. Pixing her at the store looking at but potato bread.

Oh, God. I had to drive to Las Vegas for whole wheat buns. It's taking me four and a half hours, child. Maybe she had a public freak out grocery store over buns like Steve Martin in Father of the Bride when he fucking loses his mind about the ratio of or like the number of hot dogs in a packet to hot dog buns in a packet and why can't they be the same? Great question passed down through the ages. Still no answer. It's a tall scam dude. So Paul is there. He's got flowers for her and everyone's like

yeah, you know who's a cool guy? Paul. Oh, cool. It's Paul. Paul. Hey. I If somebody, like, in this situation, like, especially if you're Jake and or Ronda, you have to be running a difference, especially Ronda, has to run interference and be like, and he's like, hey, is Sandy home? He's like, uh, no, could you leave a message? I can't wait for. Uh, no, you can. It's not, this is not okay. But instead, it's got to be like, I don't know. He's cute.

What? And this is what, like, the fucking, you want to go hornets nest, Jane and Ronda show up and they're like, I don't know, I think he's really cute. You've got to give him a chance. What are you? What is your shit? Don't stink? Suck that guy's. dick right now.

Suck it right now. Everyone says that. It's crazy. Everyone says like, why aren't you sucking his dick? And here's the thing. Here's the thing. No one deserves a chance from

anyone. You know what I mean? Like here's the thing. First impressions are a huge deal. If after a first date someone is like, you know what? This didn't vibe. You know, life's too short. Fuck it. No friend of

that person should be like, I don't know, maybe you should give him a second date. You never gave him a chance. Fuck that shit. No, and it's also it's just making, now you have to break up with this person even more than you already have. You know what I mean? And that's awkward. He's now friends with your friends. He's

at the fucking pool party. And yeah, so she's just like, and she walks him out again, like, she's doing all the right things. She's like, yeah, thanks, and he's like, well, from the looks of it, your life doesn't look too complicated at all. And she's like, yeah, I was just trying to be nice.

Like, I literally do not like you, child. So this is going to be our last interaction. But look, I got all these letters of recommendation from your friends. Well, I don't know. Jane said I'm pretty cool. To hear Matt tell it we're a perfect match. Oh, my God. Tell it.

The most handsome man he's met in some time. At some point, like, he delivers, like, some free trees to the halfway house that Matt, works at dude like this yeah like elevates his status between the circle of friends to such a degree that's a little much because he like she's at shooters she's working uh and the beginning of the scene is the alison and billy pool seen we zoom out and here's uh here's uh sandy working and ronda and matt and paul come in and like matt's like man anything this guy needs it's on Matt because dude he helped me out to halfway house so very much

this exchange is fucking hilarious because yeah they come in and Matt is like this guy's drinking on me all night or like whatever it is and then like there's like half a beat and Rhonda's like hey Matt don't you have to drive me to the airport and he's like oh yeah never mind

I guess I'll get all of those beers another time or something thanks for the $400 worth of trees goodbye this all happens by the way after the first the first real movie so first of all showing up at the pool party that's creepy okay fine but at least it was like in this in the light of day you know there's other people around i guess whatever

compared to sandy wakes up opens the apartment door to like look out onto the the what's called quad the common area and this dude has fucking she's she mentions she's from south carolina by the way we finally get sandy's from south carolina and he's at this is at dinner and He's like, oh, native plants include the following or whatever. So then she wakes up and there is the pool covered in all of these like water lilies or whatever. And I got to tell you, this dude sucks, however, making Michael's life a living hell having to clean out this fucking pool, a number one move, buddy. I just can't believe that this was thought to be like a romantic gesture. Oh, hey, I'm going to take all these lily pads and then kill them in the glory.

See, I think that's a misreading. I think this is an offering to Malachi throne for Sandy's heart because Malachi throne is banished to the pool and can make all deeds done to his black magic. This is a good point. We didn't see this ceremony

when he was like, to Malachi, to Malak. We give you the plants. Malachi, I beg of you. Let her love me. That would be great. He's like, he's like, you thought you knew everything about me. Well, you're wrong. I made a deal with Malachi thrown in this very pool.

You're supposed to be mine. Oh, child, you didn't, you didn't do the incantation, did you? I'm sorry, child. I'm standing inside this circle full of salt, y'all. I may look like a toothless donkey, but she will love me. Oh, man. It was a donkey. Wow. It would bump this episode up if like Jake and her like move her bed and underneath his like a Pentegram. Yes, absolutely. We were only like a month or so off, dude. It could have been the fucking Halloween episode.

So, but also I love that like, Michael's like, oh, geez, Jane. Now I'm not going to be able to make my shift at the hospital. That kid's going to die. It's kind of odd that I do both of these, right? That I both work at a hospital and clean pools all the time. And you know what this means. I'm going to have to mop up some baby blood later. Melodythroam, always answers.

So, yes, then they're at the bar and he's like, and she, she like really lets him have it here. She's like, hey, the water lilies were fucking creepy. B, you cannot just show up in a place of business. And he's like, but I like you. Can't you? Your friends really think we'd be great together and all this shit. She's like, I don't give

a fuck about these ugly people on the Rose Place. All right. So he walks, oh, no, she kind of storms off. here comes Jake who he pulls a Jake he does he pulls exactly a Jake because there's another fucking tray of beers that he just grabs two one for him and one for Paul and he's like hey man don't worry she's kind of stuck up or whatever he says it's something to that effect it's kind of shitty and then he's like uh he's like oh she will she'll come along in time she'll come

around to me and there's kind of a great delivery from grant show right here he's like well Paul I wouldn't count on it. And again, if you're, like, really her friend, and she's already, like, complained to Jake a couple of times about how uncomfortable this guy makes her. And Jake has seen the water lilies. I'm sure he's heard about it from Michael at this point. You've got to be like, this is when you're here.

You're like, hey, man, listen, I have the death sentence on three systems. And if you do not leave my fucking friend alone, there's going to be trouble. You know what I mean? I've never been a cool, but I'm not a cool muscle-bound motorcycle guy. That's the thing I've always wanted to do. Hey, Paul. Do you like your balls? Do you like your balls exactly where they are?

Hey, Paul, I don't usually kill men, but for you, I'll make an exception. But he doesn't quite yet take her seriously. No, exactly. And it's the same bullshit like, listen, I know this girl's crazy. You don't want to be involved with a crazy girl now, do you? You know, it's not like, hey, dude, fuck off. And then Sandy, at the end of the scene, it's just like, wow, I thought you would give me some understanding Jake. You're a real jerk.

And he goes, yeah, sorry, wrong gender. And, like, just leaves the bar without paying for any of the beers he stole. Absolutely. I think it's a thing about, like, I thought I could turn to you for some compassion, child. Wrong gender. Dada, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, dudes. So the next thing is It's coming up at 9 o'clock

Up next, the season premiere of Aaron Spellings hit sitcom dudes I want to say before we move on She works at shooters until closing Kind of rad we see the shooter's sign turn off Oh that's right, yeah, she goes home Super late, but there's a fucking, I just got to point it out Steve There is a fucking dude playing her like

co-worker or like Randy the bar manager and shooters or whatever. This dude, there's nothing phony about this ponytail. Oh my, you fucking see this thing? Oh, my God. This guy looks fucking crazy. This dude, this dude ruled.

I missed him. Fuck, I gotta go back. Yeah, he like locked the gate at shooters and. Yeah, he even it's, I feel like he might not be credited because I'm sure it was an ADR line because it's like, it's her and this dude and he locks the door to shooters. I just hear bad

ADR like, well, good night, Sandy. Yeah. Shooter. Yeah, it's me. Welcome to shooters. I'm shooter. Fuck, that would be awesome. There should be a shooter. But so, yeah, it's kind of a creepy, like, she's walking home

that somebody behind her. Is it him? Is it not? We never find out. Sandy's in her fucking second horror movie in a week. Then she goes home. She's a trillion messages on her phone. on her answering machine like, hey, babe, just thinking about you. Hey, babe, how about them water

lilies? Hey, babe, didn't you used to have a southern accent? Hey, babe. These calls are like at like 206 a.m. 21 a.m. 2.21 a.m. It's just like, come on, man. Hey, babe, I've been stabbing these mannequins in my room and putting

lipstick on the mirror. Just thinking about you, babe. And she brings it to Michael and Jane and Jake for a little bit of compassion and she's like oh my god I'm really scared y'all and Rhonda's out of the house and Michael's like well I don't know

it's just you know this some women I'm sure would find this a little flattering and it's like what are you talking about it's just a big flirt I can't believe it I was like dude how did you ever get Jane to fucking date you let alone marry you and then he did the same thing I think

called 2 a.m. 206 211 221 and finally Jane you know let down her guard. Hey, babe, I was just thinking about your funky evening wear again. Michael, from the bar, want to be doctor, want to be

superintendent, you know that guy who's got a lot of dreams. You, babe. Even Jane is just like, I don't know, you guys, this is pretty creepy. For a while, I was getting, I also was receiving obscene phone calls. Oh, right. And Michael is like, wait,

what? And she's like, yeah, Yeah, just some guy who would call all the time and jerk off. It was really weird. But I read this article where you blow a whistle to the receiver and that gets rid of them. I don't know. It's not like putting cinnamon on the floor for ants. It's like I've seen phone calls. Well, it's insane.

It's insane all around. But what's really crazy is how she mentions that this happened throws in the detail of somehow this man calling, making the absurd. seen messages knew exactly when Michael was at the hospital and that's not investigated at all. Yes, exactly. That line is like water off a duck's back

and I was like, how are you letting this go by, Michael? And Jake's like, Jake's like, oh yeah, of course a fucking goddamn whistle trick. I hate that one. Yeah, it's either him or Billy. Oh, man. Oh, for what are you

worrying? Oh, ha, ha, ha. It's either someone disguising their voice Or that's definitely Billy You're right about the jerk off stuff Paul is definitely masturbating when he's calling it two in the morning Oh yeah That's the only thing you could be doing

So she She storms out of the apartment after everyone gives her shit Except for Jane And then like Jake's like come on Sandy Oh Sandy And she's like remember Jake wrong gender Talk to you later sweet child more messages

sort of start to pop up what's the next movement here because it just Well basically she goes to the cops Oh that's my favorite part to see the whole episode She comes back She comes back

A it's perfect reason Why you should live at Melrose place It's early in the morning I think Billy and Jake are talking about You know Oh why don't you like Sandy

And he's like Oh you know We're just two ships in the night Or whatever the fuck And then Sandy shows up And Jake's like Huh Hey Sandy

Pretty early for you And I'm like Fuck off Yo what's sad what's that a walk of shame I smell over there or what? She's like, no, I was at the fucking police station and he's like, let me guess.

They said without him making a concrete threat, they can't do anything. That's what we call in the biz. What gets us away? Yeah, he's like fucking been there, man. And she actually mentions like, oh, you've been stalking many girls?

Let me guess. Within the first 24 hours, they could only take some of your audio recordings and they can only use it in a court of law unless you wind up with physical harm. Am I right? Let me guess. Nothing you actually left, nothing he actually left on any of those messages was specifically threatening, right? Right. Just calling you late. That was their big problem was it was too late for you. So she, you know, she's like, I called, they can't do anything obviously because of a specific threat. Yeah. And he's like, I know. And this is when he kind of

finally comes to her side. He's like, why don't you tell me? I would have drove you to the police station. She's like, what, to get arrested? She kind of rules. I appreciate that as this episode goes on, whenever, like, Paul is, like, is summoned in some way, like, the nightmare on Elm Street music starts playing. It's got, like, a really, like, icy, like, stabby sound to it.

It definitely does because they know it's the second week in a row. We're making a horror movie on Melrose plays. Jesus. And, you know, she gets really freaked out. Jake's like, okay, is this one like inside of her house, inside of her house, the windows, he walks, he's going to walk her home from shooters. That's just going to happen. That's the whole thing. He's like, I believe you.

I'm not going to leave you alone. You know, I'll walk you to work and I'll come pick you up or whatever. And they go to drop off. And he's like, all right, let me just, I'll go in, check the apartment, you know, and they walk in. And she notices that the window is open. And, you know, Jake goes around investigating. the rest of the apartment to see if the dude is still there. And this

is where he opens the fucking bedroom and her entire bed is just covered in flower. Oh, that's right. That's the second part of the offering, you see. That's how he summits. He knows where to go. This looks like the work of bark. And like, as they're fucking freaked out

about it, this dude calls again and he starts leaving this message and he's like, he's like, oh yeah, I bet you're happy with whatever the flowers were. He's like, I tried to make it so that it was your scent mixed with the flowers. Oh, yeah. That's a that's a panty drawer situation. Yeah, he's

full Philip Seymour Hoffman in happiness at this point. He's talking about her fucking like hot body rolling around in flowers. Oh, is it all wet? Is it all wet? And this is where Jake picks up the phone. He's like, listen, you fucking son of a bitch. And the guy's like, ha.

You ruined it. You ruined it. So Jake decides he's got to go down to that nursery and fix Emmett. Before he leaves his apartment, he puts her in his apartment. He's like, listen, your apartment's on safe. Go to mine. And then before he leaves, he crosses out 16 days without a B&E and he puts zero on it. Yep. He's like, I always knew I'd be back to zero.

It's a big sign in the middle of his, like, living room. exactly it's like rub it off x amount of days without a b and e so he goes he finds out what the nursery is it's the middle of the night he jumps the fence and there he and what's his face is uh paul is on the phone again to this lady just like so what you're doing babe what's it gonna be like when we're fucking or whatever he's saying this guy needed to be in a little bit more of a precarious situation just sitting at this desk in the dark you couldn't just have his dick out on on whatever station this air. No, but maybe he's wearing a bathrobe or something. Coming up on Fox on Melrose Place, full frontal nudity right after the Astro game. Didn't see that one coming. Special guests are Cindy Crawford on this week's new episode of dudes

from Aaron Spelling. Oh, dude, what would the dudes do if they met Sidney Lauper? All their sunglasses like fall off their head at the same time. I don't know, dudes, guess he's got four tickets in the Cindy Lauper concert. So, and like, again, it's just, it's this actor doesn't really do it here. He's just like, you know, leave me alone, Jake.

You don't know what's going on. Jake beats the shit out of him really quick. Does he get a shot on Jake? Because later Jake is a black guy and I missed that. I don't know what that's supposed to be. I noticed the same thing. things, Steve. And no, he does not. I think. I think

there's like a little bit of like an altercation, but it's very quick and swift. And Jake just punches this guy in the stomach. I love it. He punches him in the stomach and the face. And he goes, if you, you know, you come near Sandy again, I'll kill you. Right, right, right. Yeah. And again, I don't like

killing men, but I will do it. It's less erotic. It's significantly less erotic, but I will do it. It's not exactly my M.O. I probably wouldn't leave a calling card if I did kill you. Yeah, we're on the case of the riverboat strangler here. He's killed a man, a man named Paul. That's all we got to go on. And we're really, we're really confused here because the bitch of it is, this murder

definitely did not take place on a riverboat. Line one, ugly as sin. Line two, stabbed in the heart. So the next day, you know, Jake is, they're at Jake's place. Sandy sleeps over. They have a nice moment of like, why didn't it work between us, y'all? And he's like, obviously, I'm not someone that's monogamous. Figure it out.

Exactly. I like put my dick in all sorts of places. She's like, oh, Jake, it's never going to work, is it? And here's the other thing. And a lesson for Billy from last week. Because here's Jake. He's in this situation. where it's very important to him

that no funny business goes down. He's just trying to look after Sandy and whatever and they both decide to go to sleep. There's Jake laying in this bed fucking shirt and dungarees still on his body. That's the move.

That's how you do it. That's how you let the signal know that this is, nothing's happening. Not Billy in last week's episode laying in that fucking fold-out couch with his fucking balls hanging out. And next step,

next scene, Sandy is making him breakfast and she's like, Oh, it's so weird. I'm making you a cow-hot omelet. You've got so many cow-harts in your fridge, yo. He's like, yeah, yeah, all those cowards. Hey, y'all, that's why omelets are the best thing to cook because you can put whatever you want in them.

Peppers, onions, cow-harts. Hell, you had a bunch of hair about it. The whole drawer here is full of hair. I was looking for a fork, but I just found this one, this one draw full of IDs. That's kind of it. Here you go, y'all. It's your cheddar and hair.

So, whatever. The cops come and they're like, oh, we know where to go. Oh, Melrose's place you say? Oh, yeah, Jake, apartment 1A. They pull it out. They're like, hey, Jake Hanson, is that your legal name?

And he's like, oh, Christ. he goes down to the station house hilarious sorry Steve but hilarious bit of star of the show you know hunk celebrity person

to background actor real looking person Grant show is so tiny compared to these two cops you get this fucking height differential it's for real both of these cops have at least a foot on this guy

it is quite hysterical I was surprised we didn't get a nice to see you again Yep Yep Although the one dude I was looking it up And I don't remember the character

From watching the show or anything But the one guy There's two cops There's a white guy and a black guy The black actor Returns as the same cop I don't know if it's this same cop But the guy plays a cop

That comes back repeatedly on Melrose Place He's working the Melrose beat LAPD has a squad just for Jake. Jake Squad. Coming up next on Fox, it's Jake Squad. The new successful spinoff of Aaron Spelling's dudes, it's Jake Squad. Yeah, yeah, it's mostly just statutory rape, I'll be honest with you.

Just nonstop. That's about it, though. Coming up after the NLDS playoff game, Jake Squad. Oh, my God, he's going after high school. girls now. Let's roll. But I wish you pulled a Newman and just lit a cigarette like, what took you so

long? Man, that fucking Wayne Knight delivery on that Seinfeld episode is one of the funniest lines in sitcom television. It's fantastic. So he, you know, that's her, and Sandy's like, you know, enough is enough. I'm sick of this fucking bullshit. I'm going to take

this in my own hands. She goes to the nursery. It's him and his, it's Paul and his boss. And they're like, oh, these are really good flowers. Hi, you Paul's boss? She's like, why, yes, I am. Well, do you know he's a psychopath at a woman's talker? And she's like, well, no, I did

not. It's kind of crazy because, like, the conversation moves maybe like five feet away from this woman. I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to hear the rest of this. Exactly. Because there's a really good shot that this dude is going to be fired in less than two minutes.

Yeah, exactly, but you don't know that. But yeah, she just, you know, she really tells him like listen this is bullshit you know you're a psychopath you don't you don't respect me or my wants it's all about what you think of me you like want the idea of me right he has he starts freaking out right here again which again like i said like the lady is five feet away this dude's definitely fine for sure but he freaks out again and dude like paul i understand that in your head you think all you want is this grand romance but lines like the following do not separate you from dudes who put ladies in basements

when you yell things like I couldn't let you get away good God he's creepy and she's just like oh his boss is like well I'll give him oh no that's it that was it that was the last straw yep yep oh he's a collector got it okay

so yeah she reads him the riot action like listen you have to leave me alone and you need to drop the charges against Jake he was just trying to protect me from you you maniac and he's like it's just hard to meet a woman in the 90s and it's like, okay. Well, he's got this whole, he's like, I'm from a small town like you and small towns. People talk to each other in LA. They don't. It's like, yeah, motherfucker. That's why certain people move to cities for the anonymity. I don't need people

up my fucking bunghole 24 hours a day knowing every fucking date I went on. I bet you the boss was like fine with it until like saying it was like, and then you left that big offering of hours in the pool. Oh, that wasn't for the orphanage? The fuck, Paul. That's where all those water lilies went. Well, that's a mystery solved. Wait, hold on.

You delivered six trees to a halfway house? You know my policy about donating to halfway houses. Have you been shoving trees in your pockets while you leave here and going to smuggling them out? He's just got a tree

strapped to his back. Well, Not a head out now. He's got his jacket over it. Yeah, like it's sticking out from under the coat. Oh, me and my, don't worry about it, boss. Me and my friend here are going out drinking. He's dragging a tree in a trench coat. I could swear that's a spruce.

Okay, night palm. A whole bag of soil on the back. No, it's not a spruce. This is my friend, Bruce. I've told you. You've met him. But so, yeah, she reads them the riot act And like, he's like, well, I guess you're right.

I shouldn't actively stalk you. And that's kind of it. She kind of comes back. Jake has been released from custody. And it's the Jake, speaking of X amount of days since he had a B&E, it's been three days since he said, they dropped the charges. Yeah, totally. I do love.

His catchphrase in season one is, don't worry about a gang. They dropped the charge. I really, really love, I'm always on extra alert with shows like this. There is a woman, I don't think it's the same waitress that Jake steals from earlier in the episode. There's another waitress who's coming up to like drop some empties off at the bar like while Jake is talking to Sandy. And I don't know what was going on during this take. But this woman looks like she's seconds away from throwing up. Yeah, by that.

She puts the tray of bottles down and it's like, whew. I know the feeling. There is also a great thing. Paul's last line. So Sandy's walking away from him at the fucking nursery. And he calls after her. And she rightfully does not turn around. That was awesome.

She just keeps walking away. And then this show tries to like sort of de villainize this guy at the end here. Yeah. Because he just whispers. He's like, I'm sorry. I was like, fuck you, dude. Go get hit by a car. and he does not

and that's kind of it you know she he drops the charges to Jake and all as well that ends well and like he's like you know Jake's like you know I'm gonna walk you back

from work tonight and she's like you don't have to the thread is over child and he's like what if I want to and it's like aw

aw oh anyway I got to install new toilet cam in your bathroom I might as well walk you back home and do it quickly

yeah he might as well be your escort he's drinking for free every fucking night every fucking night with this guy so that is our episode on Lonely Hearts here this is the end of another week of Melro 210 what you missed on the Patreon

feed this week we dropped an episode on the ring Gorvibinsky's good movie we're continuing to doing Gorvibinsky's bad movies because we also did Dead Man's Chest with Chelsea Jupin which was an amazing episode and we've got a ton more Patreon stuff

coming for you. We've got a gleeped glossary out on a Gamerian pig guard. That's right. We got an AD coming up on the Jetsons. Oh, yeah. And then the Nexus, yeah, we're just, we'll be talking some Star Trek. I don't have the episodes in front of me. And speaking of skeezy, L.A. nonsense. Eric Sisko, we brought back a side order of slees during the quarantine. What are we talking about this month? Well, the thing is, if you pledge now, you'll also get the Exterminator from 1980, which we were talking about a little bit earlier, which is a great movie. But

this movie's not good. It's called Don's Plum stars a bunch of actors you know who demanded the film never be released, which you can find on YouTube now. Leonardo DiCaprio, Toby McGuire. They're talking about nefarious sexual activities. Uh-huh. It's basically like 87 minutes of predominantly the two of them treating women like garbage. I've not seen this yet and I'm really kind of excited to see this weird oddity. Oh, it's really really. really something, dude. It's like fucking clerks for date rapists. So that's going to do it.

We always end with parting shots and are you excited to continue this? This show, not the quarantine. No one's excited to continue the quarantine, but also you kind of have to continue the quarantine because if not, this virus will kill us all. And I know that people are losing money and it's tough for everybody out there. But, you know, it's all wear our fucking masks if we can. Going to Andrew Juppen.

Oh, yeah, man. I'm always down to clown at the place. Dude, you know me. I will say I always give some little teasers here as the next week's Melrose Place episode. You guys don't worry about it next week. Billy meets a bad stand-up comedian who asks her to babysit her eight-year-old kid. I'm so pumped. Cabin, he thought you hated this show before. Well, guess what happens when this show morphs with the plot of Man of the House? Chris Gavin, any parting shots? Well, you're certainly excited. I'm already looking into the abyss here. Stephen. So yeah, I look forward to entering the abyss and getting lost at it and probably

losing my mind even more so. So yeah, of course. Let's get going. Yeah, I also sign up for the abyss. We might as well go down in it because we're never getting out. Yeah. So I'm equally as excited. I'm not, I fucking hate when they bring kids on these shows, man. Now I'm really bummed about next week. I'll be honest with you. You know who this kid grew up to be, though? According to his IMDV, he's one of the guys that was obsessed with Tim Blake Nelson. No. He was 33 years old playing an eight-year-old. He was obsessed with a Stifler's mom.

He's one of the dudes in the American Pie movies that keeps going, milk, milk! A young man who'd gone to help popularize the term. Exactly, dude. He fucking set the course for a whole, uh, whole industry. did they invite him to Milf Khan? Absolutely. Oh, yeah. And that's exactly what it's called.

He's emceeing the AVN booth or something. So that's going to do it for this week. Please join us next week for a whole ton of we hate movies. Check out that Patreon if you're interested. And until next time, I have been Stephen Sadak. Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska.

Chris Gavin. Take it easy. And remain indoors. That was a hit-gum podcast.