We Hate Movies - MELR0210 #2 - Melrose Place "Pilot"

Episode Date: March 26, 2020

On the Melrose Place half of this week's MELR0210 eps, the gang is chatting about the world's introduction to the sexy Gen-X crew living at 4616 Melrose Place! In this pilot adventure, Allison finds a new roommate in the obnoxious hunk Billy, Jane tells Michael she's lonely for the first of what will be 10,000 times, Jake goes on a date with West Beverly High's Kelly Taylor, a serial killer huffs a woman's workout towel, and Rhonda has one of the worst dates in human history! PLUS: Alex Jones moves into 4616 Melrose Place and will not be sharing his chili recipe! MELR0210 is a new show the gang put together to help you pass the time during this necessary social distancing period. New episodes will air Mondays and Thursdays, right here on the main feed! So stay home, tune in, and yearn for the more innocent and sexy time of the 1990s! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Melro 210, and please remain indoors. This is the We Hate Movies quarantine show that we are doing to pass the time for both us and for you to recap Andrew and my favorite shows, one-in-one. I'm more of a Beverly Hills than a 2-0 guy, which we're It runs on Mondays, but today is Thursday. And so today we're talking about Mel Rose Place, the sexier of the two shows. Oh, yeah. I am joined by Andrew Jupin, Chris Cabin, and Eric Siska.

Hello, gentlemen. Hey, there. Hey there. So this is sexy, huh? I think so. Yes. It's going to get a whole lot sexier, trust me. But, I mean, this is still pretty sexy.

Yeah. Steve likes the sexy kids. Andrew likes the sexy adults. That's not necessarily true. It's an interesting split down the middle. Steve only likes them when they're sweating about homework. Are you in school? Are you in school?

He's a real Jake, dude. Oh, dude, Jake, we got to get into Jake. But everyone on both of these shows are well into their 30s. So I don't want to fucking hear shit about shit. Absolutely. No, that's true. I'm looking at you right now, Jenny Garth. So yeah, the pilot of this, I think this is sort of there was some, not a backdoor pilot, but Jake was a character in 902 and O.

I think this is their senior year like the third season isn't my understanding of it I think the math checks out the guy he's like Dylan's buddy who attends Kelly's mom's wedding I think he comes in as like a house cleaner

or a house I think he's a builder like a carpenter kind of a real Harrison Ford type and like he's just sexy and then like Kelly's like who's that and this is my recollection of having only seen that a little while ago when did

When did David hit the sprout? Oh, that's amazing. Yes. It is weird having gone from Brian Austin Green in pilot part one, which we released on Monday, to this where, yeah, cabin, it's like two years later. He's like, he looks like a grown adult now. He got the super serum, the Captain America juice. Also known as puberty. Well, he's also dressing way more like a 90210 kid at this point.

Well, I think Scott is dead, and he's able to just really spread his wings a little bit. He's finally freed himself from Scott. I'm Tommy Lee Jones here to bring you, Steve Rogers, to inject you with the puberty vile. He's getting ready. He's got his best friend, Bucky Sanders. Yeah. It's kind of weird. Look, so the weird thing is, like, the pilot doesn't need the 902 and O kids, and it actually kind of stops dead every time they show up.

Yeah, and I should say that I. came into this in like the third season so some of the early goings here I'm not too familiar with as a matter of fact I didn't even know that this was a Beverly Hills 902 101 spinoff until like last week

yeah I my experience at the show is a little bit like I watched it a little bit with my 902 and owing as a kid or as a youth and then fell off and then me and my wife picked it up after our 902 and no rewatch ended again once Luke Perry left the show

So did we. And we also just fell off this too. We did like three or four seasons and then we just got tired of all these people. Yeah, well, that's, it's understandable. All I remember are the trailers for all the episodes. And they kind of gave all the twists away in the trailers. I was just like, because I know,

I remember watching episodes here and there, but like all I remember is like towards third, fourth season, Marsha Cross becomes like the main villain sort of. Oh, well dude, she fucking blows up the apartment complex. Yeah, it's incredible. I was about to say what kind of fucking twists could this show have? Is someone a secret ghost or something? But there's

buildings blowing up? Oh yeah, she totally blows up the building. There's no paranormal shit, Eric, but there is a lot of like you know, oh so-and-so's got a secret relative or like this person's you know, secretly sleeping with that person. I mean, we need to remember here this is not peak television. Ladies and gentlemen. These are two

nighttime soap operas that we're talking about on this show. I've never seen it. I've never seen this show. So this is my first episode. What was your impression?

It's fine. I mean, I'm hoping for the sex appeal. I'm hoping for the explosions. And I mean, I enjoyed all, like, the interstitial shots of the high-wasted jeans and stuff.

I'm getting, I'm warming enough. up to it. I'll tell you, I mean, some of the most enjoyable parts of watching this pilot was just like, it all came flooding back all of the, yeah, like those 90s interstitials, Eric, all of the bad music video, people walking around LA, looking like shit, the signs look like garbage, and it's all amazing. It's so 90s. Becker also did this. Yeah, with like the hip sort of like, this is the city. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's where the comparisons between Melrose plays in Becker and Becker

is a sexy, sexy show. Of course. And sex in that little coffee shop? The fucking thing about this show is that it is so,

like everybody is so fucking horny at all time. I really, I don't see how this ends in any way that isn't society. Like it just doesn't make sense to me.

I think Aaron Spelling in real life had a society happened. Oh, he got. shunted a couple times dude yeah i think he's the king i do think we need to be one thing this show doesn't do which you kind of almost have to specifically with a what do you call it there like when you're not doing the high school show is like how old is everybody

question mark because like especially how old is our good friend jake who's dating kelly at this point jake is i mean this dude's got to be in his like mid to late 30s yeah i was gonna say at least 35 or something. He talks about like being down and out before and blah, blah, blah. He's not like 22 or 23. You know what I mean? Certainly not. No, that's supposed to be like the Allison

and Billy characters. Like just kind of, you know, getting young and naive. Yes. Also, I call bullshit. You're not down and out if you have a body like this. Yes, exactly. I at least got that going for you. I need to see more of the rib cage if you've been down and out. Like you can be

like skinny, but he's built. Are you saying like he could sell it if he's a hot-up? Yeah, I'm saying he should be midnight cowboy. Ooh, there we go. I think that's implied a little bit. I mean, come on, this guy. He's just a carpenter in air quotes. Well, yeah, I was going to say, because he's talking, well, is he a carpenter or is he a contractor? Because he's talking about like, he was like building a house or something.

Either way he's got wood, right? Uh-huh. And he's living off the grid anyway. The government's not seeing any of this. this is taxes are a mess i bet you he had something with kelly's mother is all i'm saying that seems to be like the where he would come from it'd be more fucking appropriate it would be indeed we should say by the way for posterity sake this is pilot original air date uh july the eighth 1992 uh written by darren star and directed uh by none other than howard deutch director of pity and pink among other things the thing with darren star as you got remember is

that he was going through a lot of family trauma at the time his brother ken did did not like the show. He thought it was really gross. He thought it was filthy. I watched his brother's show all the time. It was the best, it's the highest rated show on C-SPAN. Incredible.

Yeah, his brother had a real hit in like, what was that, what was that, 1998? Yeah, something like that. But that had real, like, tension. Yeah, for sure. Steaks, really high stakes. Yeah, twists, too.

Like, oh, my God, the dresses got come on it. Well, that's the thing, dude. It was so sexy. We're slinging, come on C-SPAN. Welcome back. to slinging come on C-SPAN with me, Ken Starr. What do you think the C stands for? It's C-SPAN

now. Babe, I haven't seen this much cum-sling since Caligula. Am I right, everybody? You know what? That's way more coherent of a fucking joke than that piece of shit makes these days. Well, sure. Yeah, so, like, we just sort of start which is, I think, your

classic, what they tell you not to do in writing classes, where everybody's waking up, and it's like, come on, guy. Dude, not only is it everybody's waking up, but like, you have Courtney Thorne Smith as Allison, like running around door to door being like, hey, wake up everybody. Has anyone seen my roommate? I'd be like, get the fuck out of here right now. Wake up? You're going to get, you're going to miss the bus to the show. We're doing the show. I, that is, Andrew, that was driving me nuts. It's like, you are not allowed to knock on my door. How about that? Like,

you see me in the pool area? Or. or any kind of other common space, let's start talking. Don't knock on my door unless it's a fucking emergency. Especially if we're not fucking and you're hanging out with no, like, I don't know if she's got underwear on under that big shirt. It's a great question. It's just the big shirt. And like she's just showing up at everybody's fucking doorstep.

It's pretty fucking rude. And also, I mean, it just, because of the way I am with neighbors, this was driving me crazy. I mean, my skin was crawling. I was like, you cannot be this. this Pally with all these neighbors. I mean, this pool party at the end, I was going to throw up. Isn't this like the premise of the show?

Now, this is for me, I've never seen a single thing, but I was like, it's just like this sexy apartment building where everyone's sucking and fucking each other. Is that the idea? Kind of sort of. And I mean, like, yeah, we're all at least all starting out in this sexy circumstance, et cetera. My question is, because I think at one point you see,

I think it's like when Jake and maybe someone are yelling at each other, Jake and Kelly are yelling at each other. You see other people come in from the back. And I'm like, so that, because I think there's a lot of units on the second floor. Those are burglars. Okay. Well, yeah, I mean, because there's also the scene where Allison comes home from the work event. And there's literally like a no-name woman just like walking out.

And yeah, I think like you do have that. I mean, because you have to. Not everyone's a main character. But how sad for that woman. looking out her window on a Saturday morning and all these people are having fun at this pool party. That I wasn't invited. That's the thing. I don't want to spin off like Melrose Place

also. We're like, we're up or Melrose Place upstairs because I think all of them live downstairs. It's all the upstairs apartments. Yeah, and I think we do start playing with upstairs apartments later, but you're right. Everyone appears to be ground flooring it here. It's just like, oh God, thank God

I don't have to deal with those downstairs scum. But it would be a pool party. Upstairs, though, it's like, Like downstairs, it's Melrose Place, it's 90s, it's hot, it's, it's, you know, it's what the show is. Upstairs, it's fucking cheers. There's a bunch of fat guys, you know what I mean? There's like a dude. There's a shut-in who's addicted to pornography.

They're fucking jerking off watching them in the pool. Oh my God, Alice is in the pool. Jerry, come look at this. Speaking of no one's looking. Yeah, I mean, it would be a thing where it's like these dudes turned into the writers of this show. That should have been how it ended. It's just like some creep at a typewriter like, and I called it Melrose Place.

And in reality, none of them were fucking. He's just like, no, they're all fucking. And I have none of their fluids on me. Yeah, it's just like a bunch of like sort of hot people that barely know each other. And it's this fat guy's fantasy. I like this. It's like the Tommy Westfeld universe,

but it's just some fat guy that's jerking off all the time. And that's also, you know, 902 and oh. obviously he's also from his perverse mind. Yeah, Allison keeps getting all these hang-up calls. There's like a day where like this dude is at his typewriter and he's like trying to come up with a new idea

and then like a catalog is delivered to his door and he's like looking at the babes in it and he's like, say Models, Inc. I just love that like happiness is occurring around these shows. Yeah, oh it's happiness is on the outskirts of all of these shows.

dude. That guy's roommate is Todd Salins. And he just took it. He took it. He took it. He made his own art with it. So we'll run down the cast real quick. Allison in this episode is your young, plucky startup gal who just lost her roommate. She's looking for a new roommate.

It'll be Billy, who is Elizabeth Shue's brother. Andrew Shoe. Oh, yeah. Who I despise for no reason. Oh, well, if we continue with this show, dude, you're going to fucking despise that rotten Billy even more. Don't worry about it. And then you've got, in the next door, it's Michael and Jane.

They're a married couple. Michael runs the building and is also a doctor. It seems like it's too much, Michael. Yeah, it seems like, you know what, dude? I don't know if it was a thing where, like, they moved into this building. And the, I don't know if you ever see him or not. I don't remember, but the elusive Mr. Jay, J. J-A-Y, who owns the building, I guess just like appointed him building manager.

I do not understand this. The landlord thing is very interesting because that's like the main conflict in this episode and that's the main antagonist of this draconian monster who wants these checks and they better not fucking bounce. You better not be bouncing these checks, boy. Oh, you'll be bouncing

bodies in Davy Jones's locker. It's me. Mr. Jay also a pirate. You're taking to Melrose's aisle. That's why he's so busy. He's always on the seas. He's sailing the seven seas. Ar! What's happening at

Melaro's place. I can't be having bounced checks. I, Michael, I'm on shore leave. Give up the Dubloons. And yeah, Michael, Dr. Michael Mancini, of course, is Thomas Calabro which is, he's the only

dude to get, to make it all the way to the end of the show. Well, he, his character changes dramatically. He becomes a full on Villain. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah, because he's like fucking over Jane. It's all, it's It turns into the poor Jane show for a long time,

which you kind of get here a little bit because she just wants to fuck and he's just really busy. And she's got this bowl haircut and who could have her with it. I don't know. It's working. I don't get to say this often, but he has a place that's too small for this job. Yeah, I kind of, yeah. Way too small.

Like, I get you were managing this place and maybe you put your shitty brother in the little, like, manager's cabin that you have. But, like, you have a house. You're a doctor and you're managing a building. You have a house. And it's also weird, though, because they make reference to it in this episode very briefly during the, like, there's a breakfast and bed scene at the end of it.

But, like, they've recently, like, moved there, recently-ish for Michael's doctor job. So I don't understand, like, was this, like, was this managing thing, like, a beer money gig? It's a great question. Again, I know, like, a resident doesn't make a ton of it. isn't making, like, quote, unquote, doctor money. But, like, it's a livable wage. And also, Jane's got a job, too. Like, it's, you guys are okay to not have to, like,

he should be fixing sinks after he's fucking cutting people up. Exactly. No, and these hours that he's working. Like, that's the other thing, is he the super? Because there is also an unnamed, barely a seen person who's seen cleaning the pool twice in this episode. So I don't know if that's, like, outside help, or if that guy's the super.

No, that's just a creepy. He just, like, takes all the detritus from the pool and puts it in a glass and drinks it. Dude, it's all these sexy people. He likes them. I actually, dude, funny enough, Steve, I read on the Tribune trivia, and I don't know if this is to be believed. But apparently, when this series ended, people from the crew bottled some of the water from the pool and sold it on eBay, gentlemen. It's like I'm taking a bath with all my favorite babes from the show. I can taste their filth. It's amazing.

Oh, my God. This is either a pub of Courtney Thorne Smith or a chest hair of grand show. Either way, it's working for me. Oh, my God, I'm drinking Rhonda. By the way, Courtney Thorne Smith, who would go on to portray Jim Belushi's wife and according to Jim. She is one of the worst actresses of her genie. I'll just say right now. Do you really think she's that bad? I do. Have you seen a chairman of the board with Kara Todd? She's in that. I haven't. She's pretty fun in summer school though. That's way back in 1987. I forgot she was even in that. I just don't I just don't get picking her out. They're all terrible. It's like saying this piece of shit is so much worse than all these other pieces of shit. I again, we have to remember we're doing soap opera acting here gentlemen.

That's true. So, writing out the cast, we've got Matt, who lives, it looks like in a single. It's very coy in this pilot, but he is the gay character. And good on this show for having a gay character in the mid-90s. Absolutely. I remember, well, I said off the air, that I'm pretty sure that Matt was like the first gay character on a television show that I was watching. Yeah, for sure.

I have that. I'm sure there were other characters, you know, that I saw over the years. I don't remember. him specifically, I remember being like, oh, a gay character on a TV show, that's interesting. It's kind of half and half, like, it's cool that he exists, but he is, like, pretty much a gay priest throughout his entire show.

Like, he talks about, like, maybe I'll have a boyfriend at some point, but it never really happens, you know what I mean, because everyone's so uncomfortable with it. Yeah, everyone, like, in society. I don't think Matt Fielding was getting a lot of sexy time scenes. The actor is Doug Savant, who also went on to be on Desperate Housewives for a fashion. Wow, that's like the successor to all these kind of shows.

It was another one of these kind of things. Yeah, like a primetime soap opera kind of show. He's the one I remember seeing a lot after this. Yeah. Or as compared to all the other ones. Well, you saw him in Godzilla. And like, well, just in general, like in bad TV shows, bad movies. I just saw him everywhere.

And I was like, oh, so he's the one who survived. Oh, you know what he's in, actually? Oh, he's not the main character. damn it he's in previous episode Trick or Treat Oh

yeah he's the bully He's the big bully Oh Interesting I was hoping he was The nerdlinger He's also in Previous episode

Teen Wolf He's like the good looking guy that looks like He can actually play basketball That never gets to basketball Oh really? Yeah That's what

That's poor bastard And then rounding it out Is Rhonda Who is in Aerobics Instructor And I don't know What this other's character's name is. Well, so we have, we have

Sandra, you mean? Sandra, yes. Yeah. So Rhonda is Vanessa Williams from Candyman, funny enough. Oh. And then, yeah, don't stay attached to Rhonda and Sandy. Oh, really? Rhonda is this season and

done. I don't know if Sandy made it much longer, but yeah. Rhonda was my favorite part of this episode because of the date she goes on to. We'll get to it. But I really enjoyed Rhonda's whole story in this. And then Sandra is like the southern bell who's trying to be an actress. It's just this fucking cat on a hot tin roof bullshit.

It's so bad. It reminds me of the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry's dating that woman with a similar accent. Yes. To be an actor. At the end of the episode, she's like, you shouldn't mess with somebody from South Carolina. And I'm like, lady, don't. Don't break your neck tripping over that accent. Jake is just walking around with crutches everywhere.

That's right. You shouldn't mess with Lindsay Graham. yeah so the and oh and then there's jake obviously who's played by grand show who's got a huggy career you'll show it'll pop up and stuff uh i was trying to think yeah i guess oh you know he's kind of you know what grand show is by the grand show is the glue that holds us all together because he also appears as jake in the models ink pilot oh of course so you know he it's really the grant show averse i feel is oh i like this what we need to be calling it apparently he was on that fucking dynasty reboot, too.

This dude loves primetime soap operas. Absolutely. We kind of just, you know, Allison's whole thing is like, oh my God, my roommate left, what am I going to do? I owe the rent right now. And this is a shit ass. Like, the pilot starts with this

unseen person slinking out of the apartment, like in the middle of the night and getting in a cab. And I guess she didn't look at the 28th too because it's like really, it's really like, the rent is due. Well, that's not really why Allison's pissed. I think Allison's pissed because Natalie took her Spider-Man jacket.

Oh, dude, this jacket's insane. It's a Spider-Man logo. I don't get it the fuck. Oh, what, this unseen roommate is wearing? The back of, she has a jacket on and these crazy cowboy boots. And the back of the jacket is the actual, like, Spider-Man logo. See, I didn't see that. And you already mentioned exactly why, Chris Kevin, because I was so zeroed in on those cowboy boots.

Well, sure. Oh, my God. They look wonderful. um yeah so it's weird though because this is i mean i guess you got to start these shows somehow these like you know big sort of group cast kind of shows but in this episode at least and the show does not continue this way obviously but like alison is kind of the vessel for how we're sort of learning everything about uh you know the the the goings on at the melrose place complex but right away pretty much we are introduced here they come man all in one car fucking jenny garth bryne

Austin Green and Tori Spelling are all, like, ready to go in this episode. I just feel like, you know, Tori Spelling had to do it because, thank God, she has any kind of career because of her dad. And then I feel like Brian Austin Green was like, well, no, I'm not doing Melrose play. It's like, ah, if you look at your contract subsection paragraph 8, you will appear in at least three spinoffs. Absolutely, yeah. Your errant spelling has gotten so much better over the years, Steve. I don't get to say this often. Well, just imagine Satan, but just a little less barren.

And so, yeah, she's, yeah, so Allison's roommate search is the thing. We find out, by the way, she's going to work, and she's writing the listing for the roommate, like, while she's behind the wheel, very dangerous. But one detail there that seemed pretty insane, and I get it, everybody, it's 1992, $400 a month. So for $800, you can have an apartment in Melrose Place, a two-bedroom apartment. They do say the word cheap. It's a cheap apartment, they say, which is fair. It's so fucking funny, though. I mean, like, yeah, okay. Before texting and driving, there was, people would, like, write letters while they drove their car.

Exactly. My dearest Annabelle, I'm stuck in traffic on the 409. 409 is what we call the front. But, yeah, I mean, and also, you'll notice, Billy gets to come in, no credit check whatsoever, dude. No, absolutely not. No, it's because he's not on the lease, man. it's just like fuck i need somebody i look at that guy and i say guarantor or bust oh absolutely dude um so we meet a shitty co-worker of alison's played by the dude who was

bub in day of the dead the smart zombie and uh columbian necktie from previous episode k9 now he's the villain of k9 he's like the secondary there's like a guy above him but he's like the main heavy gotcha mini boss yes um and as she drives to work and we meet that guy. This is when the 90210 kids show up. Just three of them. I don't know what the fuck Steve Sanders is doing. I guess he had to catch up later. But there's a he was fighting with

his agent that he didn't want to do this. And they're like, you must. It's like, all right, I'll give you one fucking scene, man. Oh, Kelly's got to do three scenes. I will give you one scene as Steve Sanders. But Brian Austin Green has a hilarious line because Kelly pulls up

and she's like, all right, David, Donna, you fucking you know go wherever and Brian Austin Green is like Kelly don't strand us here don't strand us in this weird TV show we want to go back to our show and there's this weird thing about like

you live all the way in Beverly Hills I just Googled it it's like a it took a 12 minute drive like it's not that well with traffic in LA it's two hours yeah that's fair it may as well be fucking Ohio to those people you know oh another thing get ready to love this hangout man

Shooters Bar and Grill dude I want to go to Shooters kind of really. Well, especially being quarantined. I'm like, ooh, bars. Absolutely. Even one, I would go, I'm so desperate, dude. I would even go to one called Shooters Bar and Grill. Absolutely.

Hell, I'm looking forward to going to fucking, what's her name's boutique? Jane's boutique. I'll go anywhere at this fucking point. Just to browse a boutique? Absolutely. Outside, please. But yeah, so this is where Sandy is a waitress, and this is where some of them hang out, including Jake.

here where Sandy's like rightfully so giving him shit like oh hey there looks like you're dating a child I see I say I'm I call a police on y'all because you should because what the fuck is going on this girl's like even if she's 17 I don't know what the age of consent was back then it's not okay I just love how Jake's like yeah all right we'll take two chocolate milks then like no I'm fine with this being a child we're having chocolate milk oh when they go on the awkward date Yeah, that's horrible. That is so horrible. But yeah, I'll drink milk with this kid, whatever.

Yeah, I mean, this pilot is overstuffed because it's like not exactly a two-hour pilot thing, but like the 902-902-0-1. It's like an hour and 15 or an hour of seven, I think, on Hulu. So like it, and you feel it too because it's like a lot of like puttering around. Absolutely. And there's just some scenes where I'm like, why did we need this? Like, why did we have to go revisit this conversation between Rhonda and Matt? i do love the speaking of shooters billy is over at shooters too that's how he finds alison's thing he he talks to natalie her ex-r roommate who we never see and then they cut back to billy at

shooters and he's playing pool against this poacher looking dude this guy this cowboy hat oh my god speaking of shooters dude who's fucking muldoon himself it's amazing he had like no shirt and a cowboy hat and a vest i'm like what outback did you come from he just he looks at bill and he's like you go forego my payment i just want to uh the chance to to hunt a buck. I am also never playing pool against anyone in a cowboy hat. I need this guy to come back into the show somehow. Like, I'm sorry, I lost pool.

I mean, he gets the room for the night now. He's just living with them. You didn't touch me trips, did you? Allison, Alison, didn't, don't touch me trips. Doesn't the guy, does he have some line to Billy right here too? Like, I thought there was a little bit of shit talking going out. There is. It's like, you're down one game.

or whatever the hell it is. Oh, is that all it is? One of those guys. I'm going to burn your house down later. Well, Sandra also says he's a shit pool player. Yeah. Later on. Because Billy is so fucking annoying.

I mean, can we just get into it? Sure. He just walks around with his puss on his face and he's like, well, come on. You got Althon. You got to help me out here. We're going to, I can move in. And then you'll be with me. It's fine, Allison.

And it's kind of your classic, like, dude thing here. He's supposed to be like 22 or something. something like that and it's like he's you know putting himself passing himself off as a writer he tells alison that he's a writer this that the other thing but he's really just like his opening monologue with her is like him bitching about like you know oh i can't live with my parents anymore because it really interrupts me trying to get laid and like that's kind of his entire motivation for wanting to move in with her he front loads asking to be her roommate with i you know i need some place to fuck man i have been dry for a fucking month i need to fuck and i need a place to do it and uh is

natalie said i could fuck at your place if i paid rent i will take a wet mattress in a cardboard box i just need somewhere to fuck i've been doing it at the bus station and you know what i've been paying this one guy rent for his bathroom stall but you know it's not working also i mean it's so horrible for this unseen natalie person to randomly meet some dude in a bar and be be like, oh, you need a place to live? Well, I'm moving out of this place. Go find my fucking female roommate at this address and whatever

strange dude. In the middle of the night. But when he approaches her about fucking getting this apartment. Yeah, like just like outside, like call. Be like, hey, hi, my name's Billy. I'd like to introduce myself, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, don't slink up behind her when she's fucking

getting groceries out of the car. Like, it's Silence of the Lambs. I was peeking through your windows earlier. There's a good spot to put my rucks sack. He definitely does have a rucksack, by the way. But typical Gen X bullshit, man. He comes in. He's got no, he's got just enough money to move in, no student loans,

and he's just going to putter through life. Absolutely. What he needs to do is not talk. If I could see him without his shirt on and just be, and be like shush, shish, shish, shh, shh, shat shut up your mouth. Shut up your mouth and just look like you do. There's a lot of that. He's just taking his shirt off all the time

because he's a handsome dude, handsome young buck. By the way, Courtney Thorne-Thorne-Smith's sees several other potential tenants that she shoots down for being like one of them is a punk punk oh no oh and there's like a trans woman or a yeah about to

transition and like it's a total thud of a 90s joke of like I you know oh sorry women only is like well I'll be one next month close the door yeah totally dude the fucking fart horn was out for that absolutely pretty shitty and then there's just this lonely

old woman who's like I bet you didn't think I think an old lady would be applying for this room, did you? I need somewhere to get Randy, to give my right rimmys to young male suitors. I heard this is the sexiest apartment building in Los Angeles. Look, there's a healthy 80-year-old who ought to hit my back walls, and you need to find me a place to do so, madam. I'm also looking for Jake. He likes 16-year-old girls and 90-year-old women.

Nothing in the middle, though. One or the other fucked up about this montage too is she's just slamming the door in these people's faces. Kind of outrageous. A touch. Yeah, so that's her story kind of

and Billy obviously moves in. There's some bullshit about like, can I eat your fucking food, Althon? It's like, no, you cannot, Billy. I like peanut butter and you got peanut butter. Okay, Billy, you can eat my peanut butter. Best line of the episode.

by the way. Just call it nut butter at that point. That's what you're talking about. Don't be fucking playing with me. Well, just you got to wait a few more episodes, Chris Cabin, but you're right on the money. I know. Typical Billy bullshit, though.

Well, if you take a long, hot bath, I have to pay for your gas. Oh, I should eat your peanut butter. It's like, not the same fucking thing, Billy. Oh, but dude, that whole thing, too, it just gave me chills, just like roommate shit like that, right? Like, he's just like, well, you take back. and I take showers, so guess who's using more gas to heat the water, Allison?

And I'm just like, oh, God, those fucking fights with shit like that. I do say, I will take a moment to shout out to anyone who's dealing with a roommate nonsense right now. Oh, geez. It must be not very good. Oh, man. Yeah, I can't even imagine. If you have a roommate who is like the tip who is like, well, I actually only had one of the chicken wings, like that's, you got to kick him out. Even at this time, just kick them out on the street.

Absolutely. There is never a time, pandemic or no, to be divvying up who ate what of an appetizer when the bill comes. Absolutely. Yeah, so we can talk about Rhonda, who goes on this date, which is pretty great. She's an aerobics instructor. Dude, at Rhonda's workout. Yeah, I know. It was very kick, which I just actually watched, rewatch this weekend, killer workout. Oh, you rewatch killer workout? Yeah, man. Hey, Steve, does it hold out? It does. It's pretty excellent. but this was like the backbone of the economy back when this show came out was aerobics instructors they were everywhere apparently oh my god can you imagine in los angeles you'd be cleaning up john claude van dam played a hero aerobics instructor

and double impact for crying out loud oh that's totally right um so yeah i love this whole thing she's teaching a class there's a dude there uh who's kind of like checking her app they have a little bit of a flirtation after the class one of the single creepiest things I've ever seen on broadcast television this dude Daniel is coming over to hit on her and she's like oh looks like you could

use a towel yourself or whatever and tosses him a towel so he can wipe off after the class and this dude immediately starts huffing this thing and he's like you smell good I love his mustache and I love his flat top

two things I'm very into for Daniel I also love Daniel's earring that you get when they go out on a date later, too, not seen in this workout scene. The date, by the way, is the best part of this episode. When Daniel is doing aerobics, there is a close-up on the woman in front of him's backside that is too hard for brazzers. It's really obscene. And like, they hold it for a minute there. You get a good 10 seconds. If you were asking yourselves why someone who was like 12.

13 when they started watching this show continued watching this show it's because shit like that is peppered throughout so it's not just like the sexy scenes or whatever this is a sleazy fucking show I know it's like a Georgia O'Keefe painting is here

so after this dude really snorts this towel good for some reason Ronda still agrees to go on this date and we could just continue with Ronda's thoughts yeah I love it Eric you love the date so much please well they're on the date and it seems like, oh, this might be a good

connection. They seem to have similar sensibilities and stuff, but then suddenly he's all like, you got influence. You could sell my pills, my crazy pills to your class. I'm sorry, with the microphone. He's fucking selling Alex Jones vitamins. You got a great

reach, Allison. Now, what you do is you sell your students these brain flex pills and they'll be able to do all kinds of things. Catch him in bed with Rhonda. Yep, I'm Alex Jones. As you know, I've also a Gen Xer, so here I am on Melrose Place. Welcome to Genocide, Jim.

This is Daniel. Excuse me, Courtney Thorne Smith. Yeah, I like to apply for the roommate position. You've got a room I can go in and deny the Holocaust. Now, I only have one rule being your roommate, Allison, is that every Thursday I'm going to have a group of people coming over. Yeah, I met them on Internet message boards. We're going to make up a big thing of chili and, yeah, talk about the Oklahoma City bombing.

Yep, I am never going to touch your peanut butter, Allison. I never touch the stuff, but you may not. You may not look at my chili. I will be shirtless, though. Pretty regularly, I'll be shirtless. Allison, I will not touch your peanut butter, but you better believe, girl, I will be taking pictures of your underwear. Gen X or Alex Jones, how's it going?

There's going to be a pool party for everyone who has read the Turner Diaries. It's going to get pretty sexy. It might get a little Illuminati, if you know what I mean? Now, folks, these are extra rare pogs. And this is a specialty slammer made from the bones of Henry Kissinger's father. And it is super special. I'm going to give this away for $200,000. You remember the Knights Templar?

They're back. Pog form. Yeah, so she doesn't have a great date. And that's a kind of her bust. And yeah, like, there's a great line though. I'm sorry, there is a great line. Daniel fucking puts the nail in the coffin on this date. Like she is basically like, hey, man, I can't fucking hawk your vitamins.

And he goes, oh, okay. You didn't want dessert, did you? Yes. It is insane. I cannot believe. I still cannot get over the fact that this whole date was a. to try to get her to push vitamins to her students. I have to admit, Eric,

I did not see that coming. I mean, what's fucking Huffington over there starts? I don't know. I think I think I was like, yeah, this is a scumbag. He's got to do something. Folks, if a dude fucking smells your towel, don't go to the Luna Lounge on a date with him

or wherever they go. I think it's fairly inappropriate for her to go on any date with any student. You know what I mean? Like, especially just a guy drop it into the class, you know what I mean? Students. It's a fucking workout class, everybody. Let's relax. Students. That's, I guess that's...

Come on. All right, I guess that's fair. The, you know, sort of the thing that it doesn't need to happen and it keeps winding its way through this episode is Kelly just continuing to, you know, she's like the mom who won't let the kid under the school bus. It's like, let your kid go to school. This is their own show now. This is Melrose. place please get out of here but she just keeps coming back like oh you know jake what's the status of our relationship i haven't seen you since my mom's wedding it's yeah it's a lot of like will they won't they it's pretty clear that they won't you know what i mean so like what i'm even bothering with can i ask you something about please please please uh do we do you know how far her

and this guy got before this happened it's been a while since i've seen whatever that season was which i guess is season three it's probably it sounds like it's part of it's part of the beach parts of the seasons because they would always start in like the late summer and they would be like a couple of weeks of like them hanging out on the beach before school it sounds like that so that's what this I mean because he Jake

does have a line I think this is supposed to be in summer right now because he's like you know I have a you know I have to have a job Kelly I can't be hanging around the beach in Beverly Hill or what do you say that the beach Beverly Hills Beach Club all day or whatever I'm going to take this as a full home run

Chris yeah and I mean like again this guy needs to go to jail he's not a hero to me like you know you want to be he's like he seems like a cad like he had something going out with Sandy for a bit you know it's like oh all these women

go into Jake's place because he's so sexy he's got a motorcycle yeah but he can't be fucking 17 year old girls or 16 year old girls specifically well I don't know what was the age of consent when this show came out for the state of California 15 exactly no there you go Steve

I'm kidding um but oh so alison's big thing after the roommate situation is solved is uh there's a little bit of a horrendous sexual harassment from mr hal barber apologies i just ruined my computer by googling age of consent california 1990 oh there's a dude what is the matter with you julie's open a private tab when the investigators come saying you say you were looking for a new order song no listen this this podcast counts as a record i will point this in my case. It says, and it's just L.A.Times.com and the articles, statutory rape, when is a crime, not a crime? It's age, it's 18. So, you know what? He's in real trouble.

You're in some hot soup, Jake. Yeah. Mr. Sadak, could you tell us why, on the date of March 23rd, 2020, why you went on Reddit page R slash age of consent 18 plus? Could you tell us why? Mr. Sadek. Please tell us. I was hacked. The Joy Ann Reed hackers got me. Oh, they are a devilish bunch of those Joy Ann Reed hackers. Yeah, they got the basketball player the other day, too. Who was that, Steve?

Did you see that? No, I guess I missed what's the story? I don't remember. Some dude from the NBA accidentally uploaded a Beege video to his Instagram stories. And he got hacked? Oh, he got hacked, dude. He was unbelievable. Was it of him? It was his lady friend, you know, going downtown.

Oh. On him, yeah. That's some hack, dude. That's a really, really wild hack, man. But so the other thing, yeah, so Allison. That was Jamal Murray, FYI. What's that? Jamal Murray is who we're talking about.

Oh, the basketball player, yeah. Yeah, we can, that's enough about this dude getting sucked off. I guess that's fair. No, so Allison is getting sexually harassed by this guy And it all culminates in a scene where he's been like Hey, there's this product launch thing Why don't you come? I can introduce you to some of the bigger Talents at the firm

Yeah, okay, receptionist like you can see where this is going a mile away It sounds like they're trying to market like wine coolers to 20 year olds Yes, yep Well, this is the Zima did This is when Zima was king Eric, you got to remember I forgot about Zima So did most people Never forget

Let's get that Hashtag Never Forget rolling on the Twitter Come on folks And if anyone ask It's about Zima Yes Yeah because Zima actually happened

Yeah that's right The Scientologists believe That Zima is coming down From the sky Oh wait It's what I've been mispronouncing what Oh I see I'm just an alcoholic

I'm telling you ladies and gentlemen the reason they took Zima off the market is because it gave me and the people who drank it every day superpowers, super brain powers that they don't want you to have anymore. We're talking about hanging some serious brain here, folks.

I actually just learned a few days ago that apparently in Japan, maybe some other places, Zima never went anywhere. It is actually still as popular today as it was in 1992. I'm going to have to order a crate. Yeah, I was about to say

I'd book a flight if it was legally allowed. anymore. But this scene with Allison at the party with this guy is one of those scenes where I was like, you could have just cut to her like coming home that night, which is the main thrust of the scene because this dude

barges his way in. You know, he's trying to be, you know, I introduced to all these people. Now I should get a little something real sexual harassment, scumbag shit. And this, and one of the funniest fucking things. And it never occurred to me until watching this episode, just how

hilariously short Andrew's shoe has to be. Oh, of course he is. Because this, like, he's kind of, like, just a little bit taller than Allison, but then this dude comes in and seeing these two guys next to each other, Andrew's shoe looks like a little kid, it's hilarious. I actually saw him

in the city once. He's like, my size probably. So, like, I just Googled, I've just destroyed my computer's team by Googling Andrew Shoe height. Oh, that'll kill you. shoe size. I think this is a lie. It says 5.8. Absolutely not. I saw him. He's got to be 5.5 or 5.6. Interesting. And actually when like Rhonda, who's such a like a horn dog in this episode,

it's like, ooh, Allison's new roommate came in. He's like, I don't know, he's like six feet tall, brown hair. I'm like, bull fucking shit. Totally, dude. Then you get him next next to this character actor here playing the sleazy coworker who clearly could have played like college football or something. Yes. Yeah. It's kind of great. But so he comes out and he's like, you know, oh, hey, what, you're talking to my wife? What's going on out here, babe? And he's, like, pretending that he is, you know, married to her to get this dude out of there. No, yeah, he's like, yeah, don't be a dick, buddy. Hey, buddy. And he's, like, trying to be tough with him. And, like, you know, he's in good shape. But again, like, look this

flee away, dude. I'm not rooting for the sexual harassment guy, but still. It would be awesome if it was like, they got in a huge fight and this dude threw Billy in the pool. And then everyone came out, oh shit, late night pool party, awesome. No, go back inside, Rhonda. I was just being assaulted. There's no pool party. The guy has to kneel down to strangle him.

So do you think actually a good question, since we're talking about pool parties in Melrose Place and quarantine, do you think at Melrose Place currently it's okay to have a pool party so long as everybody's six feet apart? or oh you can't be fucking with water like yeah i think so people are spitting and pissing in that thing you know maybe actually the cure maybe i find the melrose water which was pre-coronavirus that might be the cure if i drink it yeah a monster to beat a monster i think you're right there steve i think this

this should be your quest now steve you should like traverse uh traverse america dodging local law enforcement and stuff trying to find the cure which is obviously inside the Melrose Place pool liquid but the cast had to have swum in it at the time right right right and then you find out Andrew Shue hadn't he was the one that hadn't

so you have to go now you have to try to find him oh I like this hey Andrew Shue can I get some of your bath water could you just no reason just spit in this bag for me just spit a lot in this bag it's going to save the planet if you spit in the bag

Oh, that sounds like enough Melrose place, right? No, I mean, there's not much else to this episode because... No, I mean, Jake and, what's her face? Kelly. Kelly have a bad dated shooters where the gang shows up at the next table. Sandy is waiting tables that night. This is what Eric was talking about with the chocolate milk, but she's got a thing.

She gets all horned up when she realizes who Steve Sanders' mom is. Oh, too. And she's like, oh, my God, can I? can i meet your mother ha ha well i guess it's like oh you know i'm a struggling actress she can get me on something that's not how that works no but this is what some people you know it's how some people think it works i guess true yeah she could get you on something cocaine yeah there you go uh but jake and kelly have a big fight outside of shooters and dude this is one of my favorite music cues is jake gets on this motorcycle and the fucking guitar riff that takes us to the commercial break well done

oh my god it's so my favorite scene that we haven't talked about yet is the so Billy of course because he's a piece of shit bounced his check to the thing and in the middle of

what looked like a hornipalooza Michael has to come over and tell them about to bounce check but the next morning is the thing I want to talk about Ruby the wife is in the pool and Allison comes out and Ruby's just like ha ha ha you just I mean you just fucked up

my whole whole night last night you just fucked it all up but she's saying it all like passive aggressively yes totally she's just like oh you know it was really bad that he had to leave he was really upset you're like I didn't get any top last night you motherfucker like Jesus also Kevin what are you calling this woman it's Ruby it's Jane the character is Jane

it's Jane okay I've been calling a Ruby I've been calling a Ruby I don't know I really want to know where you got Ruby from though Because her performance shines like a gem. There you go. Eric's got it. Eric understands. That's got on the poster.

That's kind of Jane's M.O. If I remember this, right? It's just she's like a deflated tire all the time. Like, oh, well, it's fine, I guess. Be-de-de-b. Yeah, I mean, pretty much. I mean, but you just get to just wait there, dude, because I believe at some point Michael gets it on with her sister.

Oh, dude. Sparks fly. Sparks fly. I'm already getting feelings that Michael is, like, coming back a little later than when he gets out of the hospital. Sure. Yeah, there's a lot of that. And you know what? Michael is a total scumbag. So, yes, I believe all of that.

Yeah, so we end the episode with a big old pool party with some chicken fighting. That's kind of fun, right? I thought somebody, it would be, like, a great way to end the pilot. You get one of these, like, no-nothing characters, like one of the extras from upstairs. And they're like, oh, cool, a chicken fight. and they, like, slip on the concrete and break their neck. And then Mr. Kay comes out, and he's like, no running in the pool.

Arr. And then he takes the body to feed to Davy Jones's locker and all the fish down there. Or another person gets in the pool after everyone else is, like from upstairs and everyone just kind of quietly leaves. Like, no, sorry, this is the downstairs pool party. Oh, my, they're all going inside to fuck. I should write this down.

I gotta start drilling holes in the floor so I could take a peek I mean it's kind of nuts like Billy drags out this disgusting looking grill that he has and he's like yeah we see my parents basement you're like okay so he's like grilling up burgers

they have this big chicken fight we are falling in the pool with our clothes on oh yeah like this really kind of like upbeat way to end to Melrose Place episode you don't get too many more of these I have to say Yeah, the show's almost wholesome in this first episode. It's steamy, but, like, it gets really, like, just full-on, like, backstabby and blah, blah, blah, later on.

Yeah, it really kind of amps up as we go along. But we end with this chicken fight, and, man, I guess I'm just on the lookout for, you know, cleanliness more than usual these days. But you see in this final shot with everybody falling in the pool, Andrew's shoe, Billy drops this spatula, like, on the ground. And I was like, you better get another one. before you serve those burgers to your new friends, buddy. You got to get out of here with that shit. You can't waste the filth. This is special filth.

You don't understand. This could save the world one day. Exactly. It's the cure, Andrew. You don't know. You just don't know. That's true. I mean, everyone's cautious about germs right now,

but we don't know if maybe overloading so many germs together would help fight COVID. Right. We've got to give COVID-3-stooge's syndrome. Exactly. But that is the pilot. of Melrose Place. Yeah. I don't know.

We end with the credit that I think is the greatest credit of all, this Tim Truman, writer of that excellent theme song. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. No, theme song. It's almost the same theme song, but it's kind of backwards almost. Dude, that's what they did. Tim Truman was like, I got an idea. See, there goes.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And ours goes, da-da-da-da-da. Clearly two different songs. It's very, very similar. Yeah, so that's it. That's your Melrose Place for this week. We're going to pile on to episode two. On Monday, you will hear part two of the pilot

of Beverly Hills Dono-2-0. And as just a little teaser, also next week's Melrose Place, does continue with our friends from West Beverly High. God damn it. Yeah, but then it's done, Kevin. I promise you, then it's done. If you're looking for more We Hate Movies content, you can check everything out at WHMpodcast.com, a ton of content there of over 400 episodes and a ton on patreon.com.

Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Thank you for doing that properly. Now, may I quickly add that this show eventually has Heather Locklear. And if you want to hear more TV recaps of Heather Locklear shows, check out Hooked on T.J. Hooker, me, and friend of the show, Ben Worcester, talk about ancient artifact that is. is t j hooker the william shatner cop show and you can find it on t j hooker podcast.com absolutely and that's yeah you want to do that because eric is an old hand to talking about heather locklear at this point i mean you have so much time right now this pandemic's going to last eternity so check out all these old shows 90210 melrose place t j hooker become an older person instantly that's a grim place to end it eric but it's a good one

so thank you all for listening we'll see you next week on the prime feed on the Patreon feed as well so please remain indoors I'm Stephen Sadak Andrew Jupin Eric Siska Chris Gavin Take it easy