We Hate Movies - MELR0210 #20 - Melrose Place "Burned"

Episode Date: May 29, 2020

On this week's second MELR0210 entry, the gang is chatting about the Melrose Place episode, "Burned"! This dull and confused-message episode originally aired September 16th, 1992, and it showcases Billy being racist, Rhonda yelling at Billy for being racist, Jake dealing with his boozy mom crashing on his couch, Sandy interfering with Jake's family problems, Michael being an asshole in a parenting class, Jane being blind to Michael's buffoonery, Alison getting lied to by Billy for the tenth week in a row, and Matt getting another chance to actually acknowledge he's gay! PLUS: Tap Dance + Street Fighting = Robert De Niro kicks! MELR0210 is a new show we put together to help you pass the time during this more-than-necessary social distancing period. New episodes will air Mondays and Thursdays, right here on the main feed! So stay home, tune in, and yearn for the more innocent and sexy time of the 1990s! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Hello and welcome to another edition of Melro 210, a quarantine side show of the We Hate Movies podcast, wherein we talk about on Mondays, wherein we talk about on Mondys, we're talking about Beverly Hills, 9-0-2-0. On Thursdays, we're talking about Melrose Place. We ask you to remain indoors, but put on your sunscreen because I'm having a little bit of fun here. And I also should mention that I'm not alone. I mean, I am. And you are not alone. It's like a human's head situation. Hold on a second, Steve. You feel like you're being watched. Is there a poltergeist in the house? No, no, there's a sniper's laser right on me, right? at all times. This is a cry for help.

No. This show always starts so easily. I am going to say. This is the 20th one, by the way, I think. I know. Yeah. It's fucking crazy, man. This is going to air Thursday the 28th, which will be a full month of, not a full month, a full, I think that was like six, eight, seven weeks or nine weeks. It's been crazy. It's been some math between that and nine.

Anyways, it's been a long time. I should say, I'm. joined by Eric Siska. Hello. Christopher Cabin. Cockadoodle do. And Andrew Jupin. You!

And we are talking about burned. Melrose Place Season 1, Episode 10, original air date, September the 16th, 1992. And we are just in waters we shouldn't be with this show. We're just like, you know, guys,

this is why you say put on sunscreen. You don't want to get burned. You definitely do not want to get burned by this shit, dude. I have to say, I remember I think only one other show sort of acknowledging the L.A. riots at the time. And it was actually a really great Dugie Hauser episode where like, because that was in L.A. and they're like working in the emergency room during it. That's like, yeah. And like that's

like one way to do this. But this way, man, I don't know, Melrose place. I was envisioning Dugie Houser just blogging about it at the end instead. He didn't do shit, but he had some fucking hot take on his big old computer. If I remember the episode right too, like Vinny gets involved somehow, like, oh, dude, I'm stuck here in the

emergencies room. Yeah, that sounds right. I mean, yeah, it's doing out the computer saying, well, the cops said they had to do it. 9-0-2-0 did do this as well, but they did it worse probably, which is, if you can imagine it,

wherein, because at least here, Rhonda's a cast member, and it makes sense for her to have an opinion. But when not a 2-0, Brandon's summer job was working at the beach club, and his boss was this African-American gentleman who's like, oh, well, I lost my store this summer.

And he's like, wait, what? L.A. riots. I'm like, Brandon, hi. So, yeah, this is sort of an episode where, and the problem, problem to you also is this episode is so diffuse like if we're really going to do it we should probably do it better than this it's just like it doesn't get a ton of air time honestly wait wait better than this it can be done better than this I mean come on now we start on I guess we'll just go through the episode chronologically just because the three stories just aren't none of them are long enough to even talk about in a weird way yeah it's kind this is this episode is kind of like a whole lot of nothing. Nothing happens

at any of these stories really. They introduce a lot of big things like Jake's mom, L.A. Wright's equal level of catastrophe, I guess. Exactly. Michael and Jane in the Lamas class. They don't follow through on anything. No, nothing like comes to

a point. It all just fizzles out because of writing. I don't know. Finding out that Michael would probably strangle the baby to death. I mean, it's good information to have. That hot blooded Italian dad anger, man. You don't to fucking hear about it no no you understand homer simpson does at the bar it's a cartoon yes yes right uh we start off uh jake is coming back from work right and sand well first

all i do want to mention uh i noticed uh my little theme song noticing this time around is are they in that beginning when they're playing pool are they on like a car showroom like it is it is not shooters no it's just it looks like there should be a fucking cadillac next to them it is some kind of shootroom. You're totally right because it's like floor to ceiling windows. Yes. It's the middle of the afternoon and I'm of the opinion unless it's like you're at a sleazy dive bar doing some serious

day drinking. The game of pool is reserved for after the sun has set and not before. Yes. And so this is like it's bright and shiny. They're in a fucking sales floor play and pool. Yeah, I don't understand it. I've also noticed in the intro

when they have to cut to it's the actor looking at turning their head at the camera and you see their name and whatever all of those like there's like a spotlight

turning on all them it's like they were abducted by aliens and now we have Matt brow you cut to like the aliens and the ship

just like fingering them all like doing the probes and shit I need the eight sexiest people we can find in Melrose place Or maybe they're just torturing them Just like, these people are terrible And we will fuck them up the asses

Until they are dead Well, I'll take what I can get, I guess That's the thing is the aliens come down They ask for that And then suddenly in like the room Where there's like, you know The military industrial complex The cigarette smoking man suddenly in a chair

Turns around Mel Rowe He's like I got a place for you to check out I love it I love the introduction of Melro As the cigarette smoking man Oh, Agent Mulder. Maybe you would like to come rent an apartment from me, the apartment complex I own.

Agent Mulder, could you help me maybe get, I don't know, the soil drawers of Mike Mancini that I can sniff in my leisure time. Scully, no human being would lay drywall like this. I think I was looking away from my TV and I was writing down a note. And I heard Bob Dylan and I was like, Bob Dylan on Melrose

Place, but it was just a fucking, an ad for Zillow, one of your classic where we're all in this together ads, but I was just sort of like, I really thought that they didn't pay for any music, but Bob Dylan. What are you getting fucking commercial breaks for? What are you watching this on? On Hulu? On Hulu, you got commercials?

I don't, yeah, I'm not, I'm not paying, I'm not paying that extra money. Wow, not paying that extra four bucks, huh? Absolutely not. Damn, dude. I watched it on CBS All Access. Oh, and it would be, my sunglasses on when I say all access. It would be

kind of inappropriate to play shelter from the storm when Sandy says hello to Jake. After all, we've just been through with these two. Well, that's the thing. We start up, and it is interesting, not interesting at all. It is, because it's pizza talk. There's pizza

talk in the episode. They want to fuck, dude. They want to. She's just like, hey, Jake, a long day at the office. He's like, oh, yeah. Motorcycles. And she's like, I know what those are. You want to, y'all come all over my house and have some pizza. I love his line because he turns her down because he's like, look, I am not in the mood for fucking tonight, okay?

I don't want to fuck. I don't want to argue about fucking. I don't want to discuss fucking with you. I am exhausted. I'm not going out. Blah, blah, blah. And she's like, you can get any kind of pizza you want, child. And his fucking line is like, okay, Sandy.

none of that designer pizza and I'm just like what the fuck and he's like no we're getting all the toppings except for anchovies is that okay with you he's a supreme man yeah dude he's the new pizzas are out oh wow

the new pizza catalog I bet you anything Billy's one of those people that's like we're going to have disgusting combinations like oh allison you're home early from work well how about this I got dinner covered on the away from the pizza palace down the street. It's a new pizza with pineapple and anchovy, Allison. Isn't that delicious? The pineapple. I love pineapple on pizza. So do I. And I like

anchovies on pizza, but you know, Mary the two shall ever meet as far as I'm concerned. Okay. We'll go a new one with cocoa puffs and espastos. It's the viner. It's all good. It's delicious, all of a sudden. I'm just trying to think too, like, you know, in 1992, like what is he referring to when he says designer pizza? It's a great question. I don't like a fucking like broccoli white or something. Yeah, maybe a margarita possibly. I think it's more about like the LA fitness

scene and he's like, no, listen, if we're getting pizza we're getting fucking shitty dominoes, okay? Or as we call it in this house trash pizza. Yeah, it has to be in like a triangle instead of a square or a circle. Fucking square cut pizzas, you communists. You know, Sicilian.

I mean, here's the thing. Sicilian is where you want to be. And those Detroit style Detroit is amazing. There's plenty of square cuts. Even at Chicago Tavern. I need my pizza. I need my pizza circular, man. I don't know.

We're just going to leave that there. Well, here's the thing. I'll take the crust side of a square pizza. I just, because you got nothing to fucking hold. Well, that's the middle piece.

Dude, you get, well, yeah, the middle piece is always the trouble. But I love the middle pieces, though, because it's all those are like extra cheesy.

Just a sloppy fucking eater here. Look at this guy. I could see you. pizza right now. Now we're talking about we've got fucking, now you got four corner slices, which are the fucking money slices. Yes. Agreed on the corner slices.

So, Jake does go in there under the pretense, he's going to have sex, obviously. Like the pizza's the afterthought. He's like, all right, fine. Like the only thing that was missing was here was some sort of like a big sausage joke. And he walks in with a protruding erection, I

imagine. Yes. And of course, oops, it's a surprise part for Jake for his birthday and yay and it was there. Surprise parties. I'm with you, Jake. Fuck this shit. But you walk into a place

under the pretense of fucking and now all these people you barely like are throwing you a bad party. I'm just going home. Because he was tired. He was tired from work. Getting ready to fuck

after you just explicitly decided to never fuck again. Well, yeah. For the 78th time. I understand. He's addicted. I mean, like, you know,

are you the only one on the planet fucking surprised by these actions? Come on. But to focus a whole episode on it. The whole episode is about that. It's a non-issue cabin. Everybody knows they're going to be fucking.

Yeah, but did you fall asleep to the L.A. riots parts. I didn't eat. So they're having a fun party. Billy is like, oh, I got to go out of here. I got the graveyard shift together. It was like, get the fuck out of here. No one's going to miss you. Okay, bye.

Nobody gives a shit. We hope you never fucking come back. I do love, because it looks a little. different for the rest of the episode, but for whatever reason, Matt's hairdo at this party specifically looks like garbage. His hair looks bad all episode, I think. I think I at least think it's a little better when there's the scene with him and Rhonda talking at shooters. It's like weird like combed forward or something. Yes, that's yes. It's a different look for Madden. I don't like it. Yeah. I mean, that's though. Thankfully in that scene, I think it's when he he like runs his hands like his fingers

threw his hair and, like, fixes it. And I was like, okay, thank you. We are 25 minutes into this episode, but that's fine. Well, Jake has another reason to be pissed off is Sandy reveals that she lifted his wallet to find out his birthday. Yeah, well, you know, when you're that committed to doing a stupid surprise party. Well, when you're that committed to, like, kind of having sex with somebody. And maybe stealing an identity.

Who knows? Sure. Yeah. I guess she probably did it while they were, like, in the morning after they were fucking. He probably didn't go to. work without or did he go to work without a wallet and like he drove without his license and I mean

he's treading the water all the time with the law you can't fuck with his ID yeah it was surprised Jake has a legal ID fuck dude that's true this fucking hobo he's got a fake name on it Miguel Sanchez oh that's weird

it says he had Jake's 79 years old I do appreciate the fact though because we were ripping on this last episode of Melrose Place. And it's not a huge detail, but at least it's nice to know that he's still working at that garage. And he's got like work stories, you know, because he like, Sandy does say something like,

you know, how was the day? And he's like, oh, you wouldn't even believe it. One motorcycle was broken and then another one was broken. What does he say? He's like, oh, this dude, this dude, I spent all day working on this guy's motorcycle trying to find a noise that only he could hear is the line I think and it's like man yeah that's got to suck. I need a garage episode

I want to see the goings on I want to see what his boss is up to what are who's working at the back office what's going on in this garage there is more garage play there's more garage play in the coming episodes so Billy's walking out to work some old lady comes up to him

excuse me and this is where I mean like old lady She's an older woman, I should say. She's like in her early 40s. She's not, really? No, she's supposed to be, at the end, she's the mother, right? Of the one of the... Yeah, and she says that she, this is Jake's mother.

One of the muggers. Mother. Oh, no, I get, okay, yeah. Oh, wait, wait. Are we talking about Jake's mother or the old... No, we were, I thought Steve was talking about the old lady that Billy picks up in the cab. No, I meant to say the Jake's mother, but she, and everyone's correct, she's about 45 years old. So I was wrong.

Okay. Because, no, what we're referring to is Billy leaves the party to go to work. And when he's walking downstairs, this woman who is Jake's mother, who the actress is probably 40 years old, says, you know, oh, do you know where I can find Jake Hanson? Unconfirmed accent here, by the way. What is, yeah, it's all over the place. It's sort of southern, but he's supposed to be from Oregon. She has this accent. She's been in a few movies.

She's in Ruthless People. And she's in 18 again previous episode, early ass episode. Oh, the George Burns movie, wow. And she always has this accent. Oh, really? And all of it. And no, Radio Land murders. Oh.

Well, I guess, you know, people can move. It doesn't really matter. It was just distracting. So, I don't know. Like, after 10 o'clock, someone's looking for me, somebody that I don't know. Like, if I'm Billy, I'm like, oh, that's this place. You can knock and see what happened. That's where you have to leave it.

Exactly. You don't have to go. Oh, well, actually, just got the support. prize party. Go upstairs. Go say hi to everybody. It's so insane, dude. And, like, you know, there's a, there's a knock at the door. Sandy gets the door. This woman, like, bursts into the apartment, first of all. It's no, like, high in the doorway. She just steps right in. I was like, whoa. No, no, no, no, no. You got to fucking announce yourself. You got to say what you're doing there. You can just step into someone's apartment like that. Have a good time. Complete danger. This woman's, like, brandishing a gun. Like, do you know where I can. fun Jake Hanson. Yeah, also with Jake, you don't know, this could be somebody trying to serve him a subpoena.

He's got to be like, oh, that's the store. If it's not there, I don't know what to tell you. Or it's some lady that he's been sleeping with who's coming to be like, oh my God, Jake, Dennis found out about us. He's on his way here right now. That's what everyone thinks it is, I think, right? That's the vibe of the party when she walks in.

Her, let me write down the address of the garage he works out just in case you don't find him in there. So she comes in And she reveals herself to be Jake's mother And I was like But they're having a good time She's like And I think they're like

Oh can we get you a beer And Jake's like Bourbon is her drink a choice And it's like oh this is bad Yeah Oh this is bad With that one line I was like oh here we go

I love Michael's reaction right here Because he's such a fucking idiot He like runs over And like shakes her hand It's that real like He doesn't have to say it It's just one of those like I got these guys

I'm great with moms I'm like I fucking hate you early dopey Michael is just so grating and it's great because I know that he turns into an evil maniac and he's so much better and more likable as an evil maniac I just can't imagine him becoming an evil maniac the mom whisper

dude he is a fucking sociopath on the show and I think that's what was so great about the turn was like wait this goofball guy he's what okay yeah so I guess he was only using her to birth the son of Satan is that what happened?

Yes. He's in league with Malachi Throne they need a baby they need a child. The child must live. It's Malachi throne and the fucking old lady from that Hal Ashby movie.

Ruth, whatever her name was. You mean the Harold and Maud? Yes, Harold and Maud. The woman who plays Maud is also in Rosemary's baby. So she goes in. She's kind of making a fuss of herself.

Billy, meanwhile, goes to drop someone off. What we find out is in South Central, L.A., heard of it. Ruth Gordon, by the way. I think I just-Gordon. There it is. Yes, thank you. And she, you know, he just drops this woman off. And she's like, all right, nice, nice seeing you.

And like, the thing, Billy, like, if you know, and, you know, look, I'm from the Bronx. I've spent a lot of time in New York and bad neighborhoods. I've got all sorts of procedures, what to do if you feel a little and uncomfortable. What you don't do is openly stare at somebody for like five minutes with your mouth sucking air. Yep, absolutely, dude. This entire encounter is his fault. Because also, what cab driver worth their fucking salt

accidentally turns into a dead end street when trying to like race away from people? He sees these dudes that are just kind of hanging out in front of a fast food restaurant. I do want to say the old lady, sorry to interrupt you, but the old lady, when, like, it's this woman with groceries or whatever, Billy helps her out of the cab, and she's just like, oh, thank you. I can't, you know, get the bus down here anymore ever since the troubles. No one will come down here. And that's like the first instance. You're like, oh, okay, this is going to be some sort of L.A. Riot related something. And he's just like staring at these guys as they're just hanging out, like really menace. He's looking, like, he's just looking like his asshole Billy's face. But like, like, to these dudes who have never seen this horse-looking motherfucker. I mean,

it's like he's staring sort of maliciously. Exactly. What the fuck? You got a problem? Like, that's a reasonable question. So he goes, yeah, he's like, oh, I, but, and then he starts, like, to nervously get in this car again, you know,

play it cool, man. Just get in your car. Like, you've been there a thousand times. I mean, the look, there's, like, nothing behind there. It's not, like, malicious or anything. He's just, like, dead brain. He's probably thinking of,

about, like, do cows eat apples or something like that? And it's just spaced out looking at nothing. Jeez, you know, there's no way for me to look this up right now. But the second I get home, I'm asking Allison, if cows can eat apple. It just doesn't seem right when I think about it.

Apple is a kind of grass, though. Oh, God. Is that going to make sweet milk? Oh, well, wait a second. So, cows eat grass, and apples are on trees that grow out of the ground and around them is usually also grass.

I'm going to have to ask Allison about this brain teaser. Allison, let's go feed some chocolate to some cows. I'm going to talk about. Hey, Allison, do you want to go cow tipping with me? It's super fun. Oh, I killed Allison. I tipped a cow on her. Well, actually, let me steal Allison's car and do some damage with it, which we'll get into.

Oh, God damn it. I mean, can something interesting happen to Allison that's not Billy related? Can she maybe go on a date or something? I know nothing about her. Or the ad agency. We haven't really seen it in a while. Like the ad agency in her workings. Yeah, it's kind of annoying.

I mean, we haven't had a real ad agency thing since the Zach Gallaghan incident, which is like the fourth episode. I will say things with Allison start to get really fucking nuts when she starts dating a dude named Keith, but I don't know how close we are to that yet. Oh, I kind of remember Keith. Oh, the fucking Keith saga dude is quite outrageous. So he pulls down

the wrong street. It's a dead end. These dudes follow him. He's really nervous. We do get Eric's favorite line, which is, Got a light. Which happens multiple times in the episode. Oh, no.

I said I turned the wrong down the wrong street and all these like weird old hobos came asking if I got a light. There's a bug coming out. out of your mouth. Hey, Naomi, I'm putting together some scripts for the new Twin Peaks, and I just got a really exciting idea

watching an old episode of one of my faves, Melrose Place, Naomi. I could see that, actually. That's like the dark underbelly of society. That is Melrose Place. Well, that's what Monholland Drive was supposed to be anyway, like the TV show. It's going to be like a dark Melrose place. Man, that would have been cool.

That movie's awesome, but fuck. would have been cool. But so he pulls in the wrong, let guy ask him, you got a light, that's obviously a signal to the rest of his gang to fuck with this dude.

These dudes come out, they all have baseball bats and they start beating the shit out of this car and man, is it satisfying for watch. It's pretty great. You have Billy like

frantically rolling up the window. I do love the one actor who's like the dude who has the baseball bet who's really taken it to the windshield. You can see this guy like getting frustrated that the fake windshield isn't breaking.

because, like, he hits it a couple times and nothing happens and that he's like, no, like, really goes at this fucking thing. It's pretty great. And these guys, I mean, they must have made away with, like, $40. Yeah, exactly. I would have thought, like, when did they cut? They cut on, like, these dudes, like, really hammering at his fucking car. And I'm like, oh, shit, is this, like, going to be the Billy in a coma episode?

That's my whole question, though. They don't even rob him, right? No, they do rob him. Do they do they rob him? Do they rob him? Yes. They take, like, I guess, his fair money. Maybe they take money that he has on in him,

but he gets away unscathed. And I honestly think he's out of bounds to even try to press charges. Because just fucking walk away with your life, dude. You're good. And also to be this pissy about it. They just stole your money and beat up your cab. I mean, it's traumatizing, obviously, like, to get held up.

That's on the company. But he was like, oh, my God, they tuck on fratig. So Allison, at the party, gets a call. Oh, my God, Billy's been held up. he's the police station. I got to go pick him up. And Jake is like dashing like, I'll do it. Hey, hey, I can do it. Everybody, please, it's my birthday. Please let me go do it. You know what, guys? Your present to me can be letting me go pick up Billy at the police

station with on my motorcycle, which cannot fit my mother. Or, I mean, like, the other thing, too, is I've never been in a police station before and not been on the other side of it. This might be a lot of fun. He goes everyone down there. Oh, hey, Jake Officer Kappeski, how you doing? Well, if it isn't the riverboat strangler coming in to turn himself.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm actually just here to pick up a friend. Oh, you're here to rub it in our faces, huh? Well, well, well, caught urinating behind shooters again, eh? Hey, Jake, you want to grab a cup of coffee? No, I know well enough not to touch anything in the police station because that could be used for DNA evidence. I'm just here to pick up.

friend. Ah, you got me, you got me. This rascal. No, so Allison goes, we see the end of Billy being interviewed by this police detective, and the detective is just like, okay, you know, we'll we got your descriptions, thank you, sir,

and we'll just take it from there. He's like, well, what? What are you going to do? You got to do fucking nothing, Mr. Detective. And he's like, it's fucking L.A., dude. People get held up all the time. What do you want? And again, like, yeah, it's just like, we're talking about a missing $90. here. Billy, it turns out we found the car, but the

credence tapes were not in. He keeps his car. It's not even a car jacket. No, I'm just, I was shoe hoarding it to make a Labowski reference. I do have detectives working in shifts. I mean, it's just, it's one of those things where it's like, you need to be fucking realistic, dude. You are in Los Angeles. You are in a major metropolitan area. Let's a detective. Listen. I need that money back.

I only have two, two rich parents, okay? That's all I got. Well, that's the thing, too, is like he's from Los Angeles or the LA area at the very least maybe

he's like fucking the valley or whatever. But like, he knows how this shit works at least a little bit, right? Like this, he can't be dis-naive.

No, no, Jay, come with me and start a race war. We're going to get there. I cannot fucking believe this stake out. But so he's like, oh, great.

So, yeah, so you'll go, you'll do nothing. and all fucking uptake the law in my own hands. Charles Bronson, come blamble. But Allison picks him up,

but she's like, oh, my God, Billy, I'm so glad you're here. You're okay. He's like, yeah, I'm okay. I'm just another statistic. Okay, dude. Yeah, I know. Like, just,

and he's already, and I get it, you're in a bad mood. Again, it is literally traumatizing to be in this situation. You have a right to be edgy, but you don't have the right to do. He comes home,

everyone, the party is broken out. uh everyone is kind of gathering outside waiting for billy because oh shit our friends have been in trouble and like oh god bill you're okay he's like yeah huh i went to the wrong side of town and guess what happened those people started messing with me oh and it's like yeep man here we go read the fucking room he says it once and ronda's like what did you say he's like well those people and i'm like you have to immediately snap into place and be like oh you know this gang got me And that's the way you refer to it.

Yeah, I mean, you can try that fucking bailout move, dude. But just like in general, those people comment, you're setting yourself up for failure. And, you know, Rhonda rightfully fucking gives it to him. You know, it's like, oh, she says stuff like, oh, Billy, you know. Oh, he says like, oh, I used to play ball. I've been around blacks all my life. I used to play ball with a bunch of black guys. And she's like, yep, that's what you want us to do.

You want to play a ball? You want us to dance, loot, burn, you know. I dated a black woman. I can't be with it. Rhonda, I'm friends with you. Hello. Uh-oh, excuse me, Michael Jordan, a huge fan over here. Look, I'm the first one to tell you, Rhonda.

My favorite basketball player is not Larry Bird. You've seen my three Denzo Washington T-shirts. How can I? shit. I want three Denzel's t-shirts. In 1992, what are the three different Denzel Washington T-shirts? I think you're going to say it elsewhere one. Okay. Okay. It's an early adopter. I like that. A mighty Quinn, which did do well at the box office, mind you. Okay. I've never seen that movie. I don't even know what it is. Malcolm X for sure. Malcolm X. And I mean, you can also throw in much ado about nothing, which he is a snack in. Oh, yeah, dude. He's in a much of due about nothing.

adaptation? The one with Michael Keaton, Ethan Hawke, Emma Thompson. Oh, sure. I never, I never saw it. That's a great movie. It's really good. Really? Yeah, it's a great movie. Canada Reeves doing a dark role. It's pretty interesting. Well, see, now

here's the thing, though, so I'm trying. No heart condition t-shirt, by the way. Steve, what was the air date of this episode? Hold on pulling it up again. It is September 16th, 1992. Malcolm X is not released

for another two months. God damn, maybe. But that's true. To IMDB, guess what was the Ricochet? Oh, yeah, definite ricochet teacher. Him holding that gun up.

Rhonda, I saw ricochet in theaters four times. Rhonda, I keep telling you, my favorite fucking movie's Mississippi Mothal for God thing. It's heartwarming. I had that wrong. I meant Mississippi burning.

Oh, I screwed up my myth of sipping movies. She winds up, like, really giving it to him. And she's, like, going after him. She's like, you know, you're a little rich boy over here. What, you grew up around blacks? What was your landsk? Your groundskeeper?

Oh, no. That was probably a Latino. I had to cut my own graph. Okay. And it's like, dude, you are in deep shit. Just leave it alone. And Chitva, all right? It's so awesome, too, because everyone else.

around him is just like, no, there is not a life wrap for me, sir. You will drown in this racist ocean on your own. I was coming for them to like do the hand across the neck thing while Rhonda wasn't looking. No. Get off. Fail out. Bail out. So she storms off.

She's like, you know, yeah, I don't want to lose my, I don't want to lose my place and tell you to go, go to hell. She storms off. It's fun. There is a great. So we fade out to commercial right here. Did anybody catch this? You had to sort of have your television turned up loud enough.

I just happened to have headphones on. But as it like, so Rhonda Storms off, there's a music swell that happens and we start fading out. And they just have Billy, he just goes, huh. Like a, hmm. Wow, that was, she really gave me a piece of her mind, huh? Huh. That could have what better. Oh, Billy Campbell.

Huh. She, the next morning, it's Jake and his mom. at night he's like Jake he's like mom what the hell are you doing here she's like well I left Hank and Hank as you'll remember is the dude who's like three years younger than Jake that Jake's mom's been

fucking yep and was like the dude you know the one of the reasons Jake left home was because this dude was like you know obviously his mom's like first concern that you know he says they didn't want a thing do with him blah blah blah and you know she's just like yeah he lost his job

he became an asshole he started like abusing me yada yada yada i i skip town he's like well you can't stay here's like i just eat a couple of days jake and then the next we have some uh we're making some menlets to mark the next morning oh are we ever we're making a momlet first yeah it is a momlet we should say that menlet was born in the nexus so if you haven't tried out our patreon yet check it out for star trek recaps that's right dude i forgot all these uh shows with the different references crossing over it's a Denver momlet that you're making specifically

and he's like, where did you become Susie Homemaker? I didn't know you could cook it's a fucking omelet. It's like three ingredients. No, but she's fucking it up and Jake has to be like, you're fucking it up here. I'm going to do it for you. Dude, here's the thing. You don't want to hear, if you're cooking any

meal, you know, momlets, menlets, any other kind of food, what you don't want to hear when another person walks into the room is smells interesting. Fuck, that's devastating. I was waiting for them to flashback to Hank saying those same exact words. Suzy Homemaker, huh?

Get away from that. I'll fucking do it. So, yeah, there's more back and forth here. And Jake, it's really sad. And I mean, like, some of these dudes get a little too much where he's just like, you're not doing the omelet right. What you got to do is you got to watch it. You've got to nurture it.

It'll break up on you just like that. Oh, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And I was just like, Jake is not the kind of guy to make these kind of metaphors on the fly, such as it is. You know, it was so scripty sounding right here. No, he's working on his one-man show. And that little omelet was me, a little boy who needed his mother. Woo!

Oh, yeah! Three people! I like when people cheer, they tell how many people are in the audience. Yeah, there's three people, one of which is. your motorcycle. We should do that at the next live show if there ever is one careful. Yeah, but also, yeah, I don't want to release those numbers. Those numbers

are private. You kind of just had to be there. So that's kind of that thing. The next day Billy and Allison he's like, oh, what the I love Billy trying to write out this story

about what happened to him last night. And this fucking font is crazy. Dude, what are we doing with this thing? You don't need, when you're, like, writing a thing, you don't need to also compose your own fucking headline type while you're doing it. Exactly. It's like, last night, he's like, I can't do it, Allison. I just keep thinking about these people. Got a light.

Got a light. It's that's fucking great dude. It's got a light smash. Got a light smash. Allison, I can't tell if they were, like, homeless or if they were like loggers or lumberjacks, pink it was black. Also, Allison, since when is Rhonda Blas? Who made that one of? I mean, come on.

I would have noticed. It's so ridiculous. I mean, the thing that he wrote is last night, comma, I, and then ellipses. And it's like, last night I was totally racist. Last night I, oh, yeah, I was definitely racist last night, wasn't I? I thought I lost a friend. I think of it more as like a dog. He just forgot.

He can't keep memories in there for that long. He's just like, last night, two cows actually eat apple. Last night, I, uh, hungry. Last night, I finally confirmed that if you feed a cow chocolate, it does not indeed produce chocolate milk. Whop! So she goes, she goes, column got canceled. She, uh, goes to work. He comes back with some sick bill.

lies right here where it's just like oh actually we have a michael and jane scene about like uh raising a kid in this crazy city i don't know jesus it's so fucking terrible it's not even a sea story it's like it's nothing it's here it is jane tells them they have to go to what she calls a baby seminar michael says baby seminar they go to a lamaz class michael doesn't take it seriously he rips an arm off the doll which is terrifying dude aren't you a medical doctor like Don't you have at least a lot of this training already? Well, because he's trying to be, I think it's because he's a medical doctor

that he's trying to be all fucking cool about. Got it, right? You know, because he's, like, making fun of this. There's this one father who's, like, learning from the experience and taking it seriously. And he's like, yeah, Jane, look at this guy. He's totally into it. Kik, Kik, Kik, Kik.

Jane, look, Jane, he's going to love his child. That's the chits. And then he does the fucking horseshit thing, dude, where she's like, uh, because he's like roughhousing with this fucking. doll or whatever. And Jane says like, oh, you know, be careful with her. And fucking Michael does that thing where it's like, don't call him or her. And I'm like, dude, it doesn't matter. It's your kid, man. Either way. And what you're saying right there is if it's not coming out the

way you wanted to, you're going to be disappointed on the first day of your child's life on her. He'll take it out. He's going to be a little mix up at the delivery room there. I fucking run this place. Zugag. Mike, he's going to a motel. He's beating with a baby assassin. It's played by Jonathan Banks. This all stems like this Michael's neurosis about this.

I think of the idea of like caring for a child is effeminate and he doesn't want to appear to be a feminine. I think that's definitely part of it for sure. Yeah. And then later he learns his lesson and they're like, oh, blah, blah, blah. We love each other. Isn't it nice to be nice? And that's kind of their story.

it is kind of great though that like their last thing is they just have a scene in bed where you know jane's like oh i had some dreams or blah blah blah you know whatever it is and they they sort of end on like huh jake's mom stella huh talk about a fuck up yeah i know uh that makes sense so they uh billy goes to allison's job was like hey alth and how's like oh billy so nice to see you is like can i uh borrow car because I got to take mine into my car sold the shop obviously what the one with the tragedy and uh I've got to I've got to get a insurance claim it's it's a classic Billy fucking lie and this is like the fifth week in a row where Billy lies to Allison about something she's about it in the end and it's like stop trusting this asshole get this guy out of your apartment this fucking weird con artist I mean at the very least you need to do two things.

Stop giving him money and stop letting him borrow your car. Exactly. Because he's like, okay, thanks. And he's like, he's like in the middle of talking. And she's like, yeah, but then how am I going to go? I'll give you a cab fare in case I don't get back from the insurance place on time. Your keys are in your bag, right? He's rummaging through it.

Also, 20 bucks. Yoink. Dude, it's actually insane. Yeah, because you need these breath control pills or what? I am starving. They might make my breast better. But it's insane because he just he gives her this whole line

about having to make the insurance claim and she's like well I'm going to need you to pick me back up and he says that line about like I'll leave you cab fare in case I get held up and then he just leaves the office without leaving the cab fare. This poor

woman I can't stand it. He gives her an envelope and it's monopoly money when she actually goes to do me a favor Alethon here's an envelope full of cash fare Don't open it until I leave the premise of it. Will you take a paltated bad check? Here you go. So she,

though he winds up, we wind up seeing Sandy and Jake's mom kind of talking to each other. Oh, where we're having like a Battle of the Babes sunbathing. Yes. I have to say, I mean, this mother character is hilarious.

This is like Bundy's mother kind of territory. It all fits with our riverbone strength. Wrangler thing. Yeah. She reminded me a little like Dolly Parton. Yes. Yeah. Totally. So, you know, and they're just kind of going off about Jake and blah, blah, blah. And she's like, oh, you know, I'm a waitress. And she's like, oh, I'm a waitress too. I'm going to be an actress. Like, well, I'm just a waitress, sweetheart.

By the way, so are you. Oh, man. And like, you know, I do they kind of make arrangements to go to shooters. We cut to Billy and Jake on a stakeout in front of him. Because he... Billy's like, I know those guys are always hanging out in that fast food place. So they're just hanging out in front of this fast food place

in South Central, two white guys in a car, and it's just like not the best idea guy. It's a terrible idea. And also, what a fucking terrible assumption you're making. You encountered these dudes one time. Yes. How do you know they always hang out at this fast food restaurant? What are you fucking talking about, you racist?

Like, I don't understand this logic. of I saw him there one time that's their hangout Allison that is their gang hangout I guarantee it I'm gonna blow the lid off this I mean they're not Estevez and Dreyfus that's for sure

They're not even fucking Rosie O'Donnell in that sequel and the dog Oh the dog Yes so like you know and like Jake's like you know this is really stupid but I want to make sure that you're okay and I'm the toughest dude and yeah like you're not that tough Jake

trust me And, you know, like the stakeout talk just made me realize another Melrose place would be great because it's another property owned by Melrose. Oh, I like it. Oh, but it's like in the woods this time, just like that sequel. I have seen another stakeout probably like 10 times. I had it on VHS from Columbia House for some reason. Yeah, I think we had it like taped off television. I've seen the first one like once.

And it was a thing where I saw it way after I'd seen the second one multiple times. And I was like, this isn't it? as good. I really liked the first one. I mean, I was a kid dude. I couldn't tell you a thing about either movie at this point. I only saw them like once each, I think. I'm really not that stakeout

you're more of a, you're more of an exit to Eden fan. Exactly. That's a bit of a leather daddy myself. Billy falls asleep by the way. God damn it. And Jake's like dude, this is enough. This has been quite enough. Like you are

now sleeping on the stakeout that you brought me on, sir, we're going home. And on their way out, they do see the car, Billy Rett's done the nice of the place. Like, I got it. Oh, I'm going to get those bastards. And it's again, like, this is none of your business. Like, they robbed you sure, but

like, you're not solving anything right now. Just this idea of like, the LAPD needs to fucking drop everything and solve my mugging case. It's such white privilege, horseshit, selfish garbage. Meanwhile, Ronda and Matt are shooters having a couple of beers. Rhonda is opening up and she's like, you know, I do.

I also love that Matt doesn't side with Billy at all. He's just like, yeah, you're really upset about this whole Billy thing. The other thing is like, man, that guy's a dick, huh? Like, remember we used to not hang out with him like three weeks ago? That rule. Well, it's true because it's, you know, compared to how Allison tries to, you know, talk with Ronda earlier in the episode. episode. There's a thing where Allison's like going to work and Rhonda's outside. And she's like, you know, Rhonda, Allison's or Billy's really upset about what happened last night. You know, he made a mistake, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, Rhonda is just like, think about how fucked up this all is. Like, think about it. She says, think about Allison or don't. You know, it's like this shit is going on. It's been going on before Billy Campbell. It's going to go on after Billy Campbell. It's bigger than your fucking weird roommate. But fuck you for standing up. for him. It is kind of hilarious. She's talking

when she's talking to Matt, she's like, you know, I've never, you know, I grew up. And it's, you know, again, it's an interesting character detail. She's like, I grew up middle class. You know what I mean? Like, when I saw the fires, it was, you know, I grew up with the fireplaces, not fires, yada, yada, yada, all this stuff. She tells that to Billy later, dude. In this scene with Matt, she's just like, oh,

you know, Matt, I've just lived my life colorblind. It's also funny because she's like, I just wish I could do something from my community. And Matt's like, yeah, you know, I kind of spend my whole life doing that. you know that halfway house you're always screwing me over yeah I pretty much always I'm doing stuff from my community your community

the Asian American community like that's just kind of how I live my yeah you live you do you Ronda it's fine at the end of it she she brings you know I'm hopping around here but like she brings Billy to a place where you do that and just shows him that it exists is it like hey let's sign up or anything like or hey let's meet the guy who runs it no this exists Billy and the guy who runs it

is the excellent character actor Ron Canada and he's got fucking like three lines in this episode. I was furious. Well, that's, I mean, there's not much here. So she, that's kind of the next movement is she like takes Billy's cab and is like, hey, Billy. Well, actually, Allison finds out what Billy did. Well, she calls dispatch, which I

think is a great power move. Like, Billy kind of has to take Rhonda back to South Central and they have to have a reckoning. What I thought, what it was going to be though, was that old lady calling, you know, requesting because the dispatcher's like, you know,

oh, the fair requested you specifically and I thought it's going to be this little old lady like, that nice man is the only person who drove me home. Yeah, he gets there and he's like, you owe me money. No, it's, uh, oh, they requested you specifically.

Oh, okay, cool. Oh, no, it's that gang. They're shooting at me now. I'm dead. That would be great. It's like, dude, you don't fuck around of this shit. Fuck around get hurt So yeah

Somewhere in here Alice is just like You lied to me again And I'm like Oh you idiot Yeah it's another Because he gets home Late from the stakeout with Jake

And he's like I got the life At the plate Allison The day is mine And she's just like You are such a fucking idiot dude I can't even tell you right now I'm furious I am

I told you They only went to that one place Allison I told you And yeah So the next day, Ronda requests Billy. They go through a tour of South Central. This is when she's talking about how she grew up middle class. And she, you know, she was outraged by the verdict and all this stuff.

But she didn't really feel it because she wasn't from this area, yada, yada. And like, again, like, yeah, it just kind of fizzles out totally. It's not a blowout. It's not like, well, you know, Billy doesn't even do the thing. It's like, well, you know, I guess you were right a little bit. I don't, I pretend that I'm cool with black people, but I get really uncomfortable thumbtie, but the dominant. You know, just something would be something.

It would be cool if he finally understood, like, why, like, what were the socioeconomic conditions in place that had, like, the combination of this capitalism and white supremacy being, like, forever inherited on this earth? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, but that's not coming across Rupert Murdoch's fox any time since. That shit doesn't fly with Melro. Yeah, Melro himself didn't want to hear it. So, I mean, it's such a waste, though. like because up until this point

like it's going in an okay enough direction they go to this place with you know that Ron Canada is like this unnamed you know pastor that is you know trying to guide the neighborhood and running this organization Rhonda does at least she donates like a big bag of groceries but like Matt's like fucking great wow holy shit well you know you know where

you know a place where we're always looking for food to be donated You fucking terrible friend. Oh, where'd you get that? A C-Town grade, real nutritious. Rhonda, what are you doing? There's some fruit loops in there. You're only supposed to give the expired stuff, right? But, like, on top of it, like, you know, that's it, though.

There's nothing on top of it. And it's like, you know, they're all talk about, like, we want to understand what's going on. And Rhonda also. And it's like, the end of the episode is they should both be like, oh, you know what, Allison? we decided we're volunteering at the whatever you know are you interested in coming next week and Matt's yelling out the window what about the fucking halfway out but you know I mean there's got to be like something and it's just like yep we donated this one bag of groceries between the two of us stared at Ron Canada for five minutes and then left I can't like I genuinely was like you've got

to talk to him right yes yes you have to do and no they're just watching him talk to other people we never meet I mean if this was like a cut for time thing It's a bad place to cut. You know where you can cut all of fucking Michael and Jane? And then you can have fucking 20 minutes going back and forth with Ron Canada and learning the way of the world with his organization or the lay of the land rather. I already know that Mike Mancini is going to punch his baby. I don't need this little reminder here.

Baby puncher. Well, not not this baby cabin. Spoiler alert. Speaking of baby punching, we do have Jake's mom. goes to shooters. And it is, it is kind of a, you're killing a dependent George. Yes, it definitely is. Or, you know what it also is, Steve? It's, uh, you can't be out there because I'm out there. You're out there. He shows up and Sandy

has invited her to shooters. And Jake is notably upset and rightfully so. Like, I don't know, man. Like, you know I fucking hate my mother. The last thing I want, this is the place that I go to to get drunk and steal beers off of trays. And hustle pool and murder women. This is not what I need. I mean, in this episode, like, Jake really does get the shaft, man. Because it's like, his birthday was ruined by that terrible surprise party idea.

Note to humanity. We got to stop that shit. You know, but then also, like, he's just clearly like, listen, Sandy, I don't want anything to do with this woman. You don't know anything about the backstory. Yes. It was a really hard upbringing. I fucking had to leave home. Dude, I do not care.

And listen, if that happens to you, you just have to be like, all right, dude, like, I don't agree with it, but it's your call. Not trying to fucking, like, parent trap your friend into fucking making up with his parent that he hates. Like, no good here, Sandy, no good. And meanwhile, she's like, wasted, falling all over the bar. And Jake's like, well, I guess I'll drink at home. Great. Now I got to go home and drink. I'm going to steal beers from myself, I guess.

I do love, dude. There is a shot of the mom. She's, like, clearly pounding back some beers. And she's, like, with some fucking biker dude at the pool table. Just like, oh, is this how you play this game? Yeah. Dude, he's, like, fucking her on that pool table. Dude, he really is almost.

It was quite something. And so he goes home. She comes home afterwards. She knocks over the world's lightest lamp. And it's like the big, it's like your classic. Nobody knows how to do physical anything on this show. This lamp looks ridiculous. It barely falls over.

Jake's like, my lamp. Oh, my tinfoil lamp. And this is when they kind of have it out again. And he's like, you know, you said you'd stop drinking. Even though she had promised she drinks less these days, which is sure. Always the I'm switching to beer, that whole gimmick. Oh, dude, the old I'm switching to beer excuse, hot damn. I will say, though, hilarious Jake line right here goes, what have you been doing?

Drinking since lunch? It just got me good, man. I don't know. I can't take care of you anymore. You're knocking over lamps and knocking over lamps. All right, this is the last straw. You knocked over that lamp. Not to mention the lamp, which I, did I bring up the lamp?

I brought it the lamp. All my beer is gone, by the way. Even my lamp beer, you drank that. See, I don't care about the L.A. riots. I care about the lamps. I think the light bulb. Yep, the light bulb is broken. Yep, that happened.

I mean, that's what's so insane about, you know, this teleplay, such as it is. It's like we are trying to weigh. the repercussions of a really, you know, bad moment in American history, you know, added to the laundry list of, you know. And then it's like, my mom's knocking over lamps because she's drunk. It's like, man, like, this episode, we are not on the same level here. I mean, these stories should not intertwine like this. They should just focus on this whole Billy as a racist story.

Exactly. That's the lead, baby. Or like, at least like, like, and then make the B story. about Rhonda and maybe Rhonda faces adversity and then he realizes like oh shit that happened to you like I feel bad or now something learn a lesson. Yep, exactly.

I do want to say this is like one of the three times they openly say that Matt is gay. He's just like you know as you know like he's just rap with Rhonda in that scene and he's like you know I hear that crap too you know like nobody I don't have a sign that says

I'm gay so people will just come up to me and assume I'm straight and I have to hear this shit. It's like, wow, holy fucking shit, Matt's gay? It was kind of funny, dude, because for a split second, because they just, they don't talk about it ever, you know, in these 10 episodes, you know, it's only happened a few times. Like, so when he starts this, he starts from a place of like, you know, Rhonda, I know how you're feeling. And I was like, whoa, wait, what? And then it was like, oh, you're gay, okay. He's a what? All right, I'll be drafting up those eviction papers. The office of Melroo.

he at least though does put in the caveat of like but ronda you clearly have it harder because you can't just look at me and know that I'm gay yeah it's a fine scene it did but it's just shocking that they even put a hat on that absolutely yeah um so but whatever that's kind of it um Jake kicks his mom out she's like it's kind of amazing she's just like at least the next morning he's like oh man I really did it last time

so yeah guess what you have to get the fuck out of here but I'm in trouble Jake and I'm like wait what's happening and then and the other thing I'm dead it to a riverboat gambler you gotta go strangle him listen listen I had to send my lamp over to Mike

and Jane's last night okay just so you didn't do it again today and then Mike breaks it fucking I'm trying to hold it oh geez Jake's lip I was just trying to change its shirt oh god I told you Michael, it was like a child to me, this lamp.

Oh, geez, I don't know, man. Jake's lamp was just there in the middle of the floor, and I was trying to figure out where we're going to put the baby's crib and it broke. Michael, what's going to happen when a lamp comes out of me? Are you going to break that out of time? Look at that guy over there. He loves his lamp. But he's just like, hey, look, I was in trouble too all the time.

You've never bailed me out, blah, blah, blah, and more intense grand show acting, and it's fine. He's doing okay here. Great show, I want to say We're having a lot of fun on Melrode 210 And there are Actors across both shows that are not so great But I do I do want to stick up for Grand Show

I think he's a good actor Yeah, he's good He's a beefcake too Like I'm actually shocked Like I didn't see more of him It is weird I guess he just stayed on that Like we said he's on Dallas now

He stayed in that primetime soap opera He must Did he not do a single bad action movie? Like come on, there's got to be one would be great in a bad action movie. You know what he would do probably pretty well is a good, like, villain character? Like some sort of domestic

terrorist or something. Jake Hanson. Exactly. But so, you know, he kicks her out and she leaves and then, like, you know, I guess like Sandy kind of throws it in his face here.

How does this work again? Well, so, yeah. So he, I think we're back at shooters. And Sandy, oh, that's, what it is because Jake's Jake says to his mother man real cold line he's like can you do me a favor and she's like yes anything or whatever and he goes don't be here when I come home so he goes to shooters to just drink until she leaves and I think I think there's Sandy's like hey by the way y'all your mama's gone you can go home and drink alone again and he's like oh fantastic

and then she's like you know you should still go say bye though I forgot to mention child her bus don't leave for 20 minutes and I'm like 20 minutes is not a lot of time especially in a city like is the bus station next door to shooters it might be first of all good call but yeah Los Angeles is a big town like remember we were out there we were staying in what like around Beverly Hills actually and then we tried to get to Hollywood to make a movie we barely made it took us over an hour yeah like I just I feel like 20 minutes dude just you know your mother's gone pretend she's dead

you're not going to make that bus send a nice letter she'll get it when you get there I just skimmed it yeah it does not seem like he ever starred in his own action movie that's a mistake it should have been like he seems to be a guy in a movie called cold justice right we're like absolutely

like you know blah blah blah his wife is dead and here he comes cold justice or like you know independent steel here's the problem is I'm not sure if he had like the martial arts training that other beefcakes tend to get that would put him in the running for such a thing. Here's what you do. You set

it in the 1920s or 30s or something. So he's just like doing that like fist of cuffs. When all fighting was done by tap dance. Yeah, exactly. Well, brawling. I get you. Scrap it. You want to adapt tap dancing to fighting. It's like Robert De Niro kicks, dude.

That's it. Excellent. He does go back to his mother and he's like, well, you know, this has been terrible. She's like, yeah, it's really has. I guess I'm going to go back to our horrible town, go back to the trouble that I have and kind of work on it myself. He's like, yeah, don't let the door hit you on the way out, you know, that kind of thing. He's kind of not exactly wrong. Like, if you had a really bad upbringing, like, you don't want it to follow you around anymore. You're a legal adult.

You know, there's nothing that ties you to your biological parents. You don't owe this woman anything, especially with what I've heard, doesn't sound like you know or anything. I mean, there's a reason Jake is Jake. Let's say that. sure but this break though I think is kind of great because she's like you know uh listen where I get when I get where I'm going I don't think she's going home by the way because she says when I get where I'm going I'll send you a postcard so you have my new address and phone number and he goes you know like okay yeah like I guess that's good to have or you know whatever it is and then you know she says like you know I love you Jake and you know no matter what you feel or what I've done

just know that that's the case and she gets on the bus and he goes goes, mom. And I was like, dude, don't. Dude, dude. Don't. And he does the more, you know, level-headed take care of yourself. Yeah. I thought it was going to be like, I love you too. Here we are reconciling at the fucking bus depot. I think she is going home, but she's not going back to Hank. Yeah. Hank is on his own from now on. And man, I would, I would love for her to come back And he'd be like, I knew it was going to happen. Welcome back, baby. Dude, and then it's the backdoor pilot for Aaron Spelling's Hank.

Yes. He's a shitty grifter. You know, who could be a good grifting partner for Hank is Donna. Maybe Donna and Hank on a road trip. And it's directed by Jim Jarmouche. You know, there was that good show, Veronica Mars, detectives. I mean, Donna be perfect for just that kind of role. You know who could mistakenly get on a plane to Budapest, Donna?

Oh, here's a screenplay for my new pilot, Verdunica Mars. Oh, Hank. Hank Dog, way of the samurai. Hey, Jerry, a Warner Bros. Yeah, it's Air. and spelling from heaven. Could you get Donna in a new movie, one of those DC properties? You know, the problem

with Jake's mom is she didn't know the limits of control. Excellent. Oh, yes. It looks like we're going to sit down at this diner and enjoy some black and white Donna and cigarettes. Oh, man.

The Donna don't die, you know. Down. by Donna. Only Donna's left alive. It's about two Donnas who are a vampire. No, all right. Two Donnas with the same gun.

I will say. They're going down a river in my new movie Dead Donna. Okay, that's the end of it, I promise. She's Donna wrapped in plastic. Aaron's spelling in heaven, huh? Chris, pretty generous. I'm hoping. He's not a total monster

No, that's a hellbound soul When the spelling gets To have on, we'll see you again. That's kind of the episode Alice writer, the spirit of erred spelling got out, we need you to go track it down. Allison comes home with a bag full of groceries, including

the world's largest bag of tortilla chips, my lord. You know what? You cannot have a tortilla chip bag too large friend. it's true. She's coming in and she sees Ronda and Billy hanging out. She's like, oh, I'm glad you guys patch that up. And they're like, yeah,

we call the truce. It's always going to be a problem between this. We're just not going to talk about it. I mean, first of all, you never forget that. No, no, no, no. That's always going to be there. The relationship is tainted forever. Rhonda doesn't have a ton of time left on the show, so it's fine. But, Allison

comes in, and instead of being like, hey, how's it going? You know, she's instantly stirring shit with them. The two of them are sitting, they've got their feet in the pool, and they're just talking. And she's like, oh, you guys didn't kill each other yet? And I'm like, dude, Alison, just fucking go inside. How about that? Just go home.

Yeah. You know, Rhonda, I saw this very progressive film called Driving with Daisy, and it made me look at the world differently. Wow, what a movie. And that's kind of the end of the episode. you know they just kind of ronda goes back inside and bill is like wow what a crazy week here at melrose place almost literally nothing happened oh we actually cut over the one thing which is uh she encourages him to identify the guy he does and it's like okay that's justice no like why just like why even do that like let me ruin this kid's life over fucking fifty a hundred dollars exactly it doesn't add anything to what they're talking about like why not just be like oh we found the car abandoned. Yep. The hell.

Homeless people were fornicating in it. Yes. Again. Once again. It's this weird flag to plant in a very ambiguous episode about this stuff to be like,

no, but these people who do break the law need to go to jail. It's like, okay. Because even Rhonda's like, yeah, that's what we need to do, Billy. It's like, okay.

You know, sure, whatever Melrose plays. I'm not looking to you for life advice. So that's kind of the other. But just really quickly, though, the other, the weird fucking,

the, on the button is that he sees the guy at the fucking precinct which like this would not happen but like the guy is basically being like brought back out into the lobby or something like while this witness is still here way to go

LAPD and the guy you know because like the whole episode you don't know anything about this person other than like he you know orchestrated this you know mugging of Billy and whatever and like they make him out to be like a really tough guy and then the whole button is like

the guy's grandmother or whatever like comes in is like what are you in trouble for now and like slaps him and instantly like you know infantilizes this person yeah and it's okay so then it's like what what are even fucking saying like so he wasn't that old of a guy like does that like what are you talking about is he must be feeling bad because like the but the grandmother is like pissed off at him I was shocked that Billy didn't stop it and say I'm not going to press charges because he's not going to get rehabilitated in fucking L.A. County Jail. Exactly. It's just so weird. It's almost, I think it's a joke kind of almost. Maybe. Because she's like, oh, what did you do this time? And she's like slapping him as an older lady kind of

a thing. Yeah, and like Ronda and Billy kind of look at each other. And I think it's supposed to be like, oh, well, see, he's in for it now, regardless of the fucking capital punishment. I don't know, man. It's dumb as dog shit, dude. And it just really just puts this episode into a really

nebulous space. It's shitty. It's a bad episode. It's over with, though, you guys. Thank God. I will ask people, there might be, there's a lot of stuff left on the table, some parting shots here, quote unquote, and or are you still excited to keep watching this, Eric Siska? Anything left on your plate? Uh, no, for this episode, not really. I'd rather not talk about this episode anymore. Um, but I am excited to continue because I need to see just how dumb does Billy get? Pretty dumb. Christopher Cabin. I mean, I'm chasing the same rabbit as Eric

on that one. And I mean, I already hate everybody else. And this was definitely the low point so far of what we watched, I think. Yes. I can't remember not liking this as much as I did not like this. But that's it. Andrew?

Yeah, I mean, you know, like I've said every week over the last 10 weeks of this. I'm always down to clown at the place, dude. This is a bad episode. It is a every, you know, Seinfeld has bad episodes. The Simpsons have bad episodes. It's fine.

Are we just pairing this to Seinfeld and the Simpsons? No, I'm saying, Cabin. Okay. Look at this fucking comedian over here. I'm saying that even good television shows have bad episodes. Sure. But this is a bad episode of this fucking trash show

that I loved in the 90s. And that's fine. I I am, you know, hi, I am hip to return next week because guys, not for nothing. Next week, the debut of the bat shit crazy Dr. Kimberly Shaw. Oh, man. That's exciting. And this will set us on the course. I was reading every episode summary for the rest of season one. And I'm happy to report that Melrose Place did decide in its first season to get fucking nuts. So you want to get nuts? Let's get nuts with next week's episode.

I'm excited. is she crazy from the get-go? She's not crazy from the jump but the seed is planted which will also unlock Michael's fucking insanity. Like it's all going to come crashing down but next week is the start of the avalanche

like when the clear and the red collect and meat in Diehard 3. Yes, exactly right. Now the chemicals are starting to come together and fat Charlie's there with his fucking paper clip. Exactly. Syrup?

but actually next week it's interesting to talk about it so this was our last release in May we've done a whole lot of shit in May everybody yeah May a lot of stuff wait is there an audience clapping no that was me I'm just

congratulating myself which I often do definitely does we did a shit ton on Patreon we've released a lot of pirates episodes we did an episode on oh god

the ring the ring of Gorvibinsky's the Ring Great one. We're talking about American's funny some videos an awful lot in that for no reason.

We did an episode on the Jetsons on animation damnation featuring a giant woman. A supersized nexus with two daddy episodes. We've got

a gleep glossary on a fucking Gamerian pig guard. We went all over the place. And the cider of a sleaze with Don's plum, which is coming very soon. It'll be out tomorrow,

actually. That's exciting. And so a shit ton of content for you on that Patreon. A shit ton of content on the main feed. We did all these pirate movies. We had Jordane Searles. We had Ben Worcester. We had Chelsea Juipan on.

Great, great month. But we're keeping it going, remote style, because that's all we could do. Next week, actually, on this feed on the Melrose Place side, on next Thursday, it will be a sinkable Melrose placed episode. What we're going to do next week, we're going to watch the episode together and sync it up kind of commentary style, not the review style

and we're doing that most likely just to figure out how to do that going forward. It's kind of a test run but it'll also be a lot of fun too. Exactly. We want to see if we can get this sinkable while remote business down because hey, we're staying

indoors, we are abiding the quarantine but listen, we got commentaries to put out if you know what I mean. One might call it a cat'smentary coming up in June. One may call it a cat'smentary. You may call it a cat'smentary. So we want to make sure...

A gelical cat'smentary. Absolutely. And so we want to make sure that we have the tech down. We can do this and make it work right because we do not want to waste the beautiful thing that will be the cat'smentary with bad tech. So that's why next week it is a sinkable

Melrose Place episode. Which will be super fun. So that's going to be all coming up next week. So into June and beyond summer blockbuster extravagance is coming up next week as well, by the way. Fox, that's right. It's still one more Pirates episode.

Yeah. It is still just one more Pirates episode, technically speaking, and then we'll kick things off in actual summer blockbuster extravaganza form after that. But enjoy your weekend, everybody. And until I see you next time, I have been Steven Sadek. Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin.

Take it easy and remain indoors. That was a hate gum podcast.