We Hate Movies - MELR0210 #22 - Melrose Place "A Promise Broken" (Special Commentary Edition)

Episode Date: June 5, 2020

On this week's very special sync-able commentary edition of MELR0210, the gang is watching the total whiff of a Melrose Place episode, "A Promise Broken." Originally airing September 30th, 1992, this episode features Jane and Michael suffering a loss and Michael being shitty about it as usual, Billy playing with Alison's bra, Jake breaking and entering, Alison repeating herself for the 30th time about Billy being terrible to her, and Sandy, Rhonda and Matt buying Jane and Michael a dog as a surprise like total jerks! Please note that you can watch the episode along with us by syncing up your Melrose Place stream to the 00:00:00 time code and hitting PLAY when we say GO. If you have to start over, the commentary starts at this file's time code: 00:05:21. Please note that between 00:29:10 and 00:29:47 there is a longer than usual silence. Don't think we went anywhere! There was a glitch that had to be cut. Happy watching! MELR0210 is a new show we put together to help you pass the time during this more-than-necessary social distancing period. New episodes will air Mondays and Thursdays, right here on the main feed! So stay home, tune in, and yearn for the more innocent and sexy time of the 1990s! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Hello and welcome to a very special Melro 210, which is, by the way, a we hate movie's sideshow where we ask you to remain indoors for quarantine reasons, but if you're out in the streets for political reasons, we hope you stay safe and we're with you. We are releasing a special episode at the end of this week, but we're recording it on Monday, and I have to be honest,

it's not looking like a good week, you know? not looking like a fan no no no nothing good here no no no no if you want to explore the bad week and how truly shitty things are there are better places to do that but the whole point of this whole side show is to add

a little levity and dark times so we're going to do that by exactly focusing on a 90s TV series about a group of mostly white incredibly vapid 20 somethings who possibly live in an apartment run by the devil just to be clear

and his minions That's what we're doing. So, let's all put on our sunscreen for a little bit. While I introduce some good dudes from different neighborhoods, I've got Eric Siska. Hello. I've also got Christopher Cabin. Ahoy, hoi.

And I hope I got Andrew Juppin. Yo! This is a very special episode, not for the content necessarily, but because this is going to be a sinkable commentary. Now, if you're a Patreon, you already know how to do these things. We just do this. We do it on a quarterly basis. We put out a fun, improvised only commentary. We're not like planning jokes or mystery science theater or anything. This is just us watching the thing with you.

We're going to do it for Melrose Place. Episode, hold on. This is season one, episode 11, original air date, September the 30th, 1992. A Promise Broken. Couldn't you just call that every episode we've seen thus far? Yep. Let's they all just, like, stake down a promise broken. Allison, I'm not going to steal your car.

Oops, I did it again. Allison, I promise I'm not going to burn your house down. Whops. Allison, vacation time. Parents time. Allison, the Native Americans don't need these treaties. No, dude, that's the Colonel Billy of the Wild West. Good Lord.

No, thank you. That's a dark timeline, even darker than today's. Exactly. this I will say specifically so this is we're going to do a syncable thing the way we do these is I say three two one go and we're all going to hit play and we're going to go through this thing

we're all watching this on DVD and I imagine you are not you're probably watching it on some sort of streaming service but most likely CBS All Access or Hulu in that case most of those don't have commercials if there is I would just say you know pause the pod when you're

I called it a pod fuck me podcast. Yeah, that's sucked, dude, that sucked. I got to stop doing that. It sucks ass. And I don't want to be that guy, so I'm not going to be that guy. We're not going to edit it out, though, guys, because we want everyone to know everybody makes a mistake. That's right. So once you see commercials on your Hulu or whatever, hit pause on this podcast, resume it, and you'll be pretty close to it. It's not going to match up one-to-one because of the wackiness of this format.

But this is just sort of a trial run for doing this for actual remote commentaries. Which we've never done before. Ever until right now. Does anyone have anything before? And also we'll do, as we always do at the end of this, we'll do parting shots. That'll be a bit longer this time because there's going to be some stuff we miss. That's right.

Because we've never, we haven't watched this episode. We're watching it with you for the first time. Like we said, this is not written. So, you know, we're going to process it at the end. Exactly. Anything else I'm forgetting or anything anybody else wants to say? Everybody got their snacks, by the way, got your snacks? I don't. No, I got a big bottle of Pellegrino, so I might have to go to the bathroom.

I got half a beer. Oh, look at you. Half drank. Nice. From two days ago and now you're finishing the job. You know what I'm going to say it's half full, actually. That's what we need. Some optimism. Beer's half full. Also, Steve, I appreciated neighborhoods. Yes. I think that might be a new catchphrase. We'll see how that goes. I like it.

Anybody else, anything specifically? All right. You're the audience. What do you think? Yeah, I will weigh Back to us We have Jeremy in Tuscaloosa, Jeremy No, we don't Speak up, Jeremy Hang up and call back

So we are going to I'm going to 3, 2, 1, go And when I say go, we're all going to hit play And we're going to start talking about the place, my friends Oh, yeah In 3, 2, 1, go Here we go Oh, there it is

Look at this grit and grime. Legs. Legs. Oh, there's more legs. More legs. Oh, here they come. What? Out of the darkness, a sexy

group of whatever, vampire hunters, maybe. They could be vampire hunters. For sure. Sexy reservoir dogs. Yes, finally. Oh, Billy gets his ear off. That would be nice.

I thought point a gun on my dad. Oh, look, now I'm dead. You dare point a gun at Malachi's throne. Now, I want to point out during this intro, this lighting right here, those lights that blind them. This is what I was talking about last week. They look like they're getting abducted by aliens. Yeah, I can see that. Or they're like, they're having an out-of-body experience and they're about to go towards the light.

Or it's like kind of like a serial killer version from some 90s movie, you know what I mean? Absolutely. Right before they get it, it's just like, oh no. Like in a lesser copycat? Exactly. Wow, a lesser copycat. Move it, move it. He's made the move.

Get him. him. Oh, I said hi to that nice guy with the ponytail and everything. Courtney Thorne Smith, the queen of I'd rather be anywhere else. Absolutely. Well, she ended up at it according to Jim, so. Yikes. Be careful what you

wish for them, I guess. Now, here's this car dealership pool place. Exactly. It's not. I've never seen anyone play pool anywhere else like that. Where do you think they're walking right here? Are they walking to the pool place? Or they're walking to shooters, possibly? Oh, right. Day drinking for shooters?

Oh, of course there's day drinking in shooters. Jake's mom was day drinking in shooters. Oh, Marsha Cross. Here we go. What are they watching? This is a Pruder film? Turn it off! Turn it off! Hey, Alethon, back into the left.

It was gross. What? You're watching baby footage? It's called home movies, Kevin. I don't think this is like a baby footage. No, this is baby footage. I assume I don't know who these people It's it's Michael and Jane's like got it I think it's Jane's specific yeah

I don't know this guy's got thick healthy Italian sideburns though That's true dude these shirts they put on Billy He looks like a fucking extra and salute your shorts I mean like you've got to dress like an adult at some point He looks like a little kid dude he looks like sponge They brought popcorn out for baby footage Yeah Well, this is what you do

When your life's this empty, Eric Well, who turned out the line? Do you know what? If I'm in a group of friends, don't call me boys and girls. Yeah. I know you're having a kid and everything, but fucking shut it down.

Oh, look at that. He looks like a character from Doug. He does. Is that someone working with chin hair? Does Jake have chin hair? Hold on. Wait, what the fuck was that? No, that must have been Matt

Yeah, Jake, you definitely were his sleep, dude Oh, I didn't know what an ultrasound was, thank you This guy just asked Oh, you're gonna find the sex of the baby The fucking obsession with people in that, dude They're gonna do a gender reveal thing in the pool And if it's red, it means somebody's dead Yeah

And that Malachi throne has been appeased Yeah, if it's red, you have to throw the baby in. Yes. Sorry, our gender reveal party was ruined because there was another tenant murdered in the pool. What is this? A fish bowl she's going. It's a popcorn maker. Yeah.

When you don't have a microwave, you can buy this fangled contraption. Talk about body odor. Nice. Hot. Good stuff. A lot of plants in this apartment. This is spacious. This pig.

I'm going to throw these socks all over the place, God damn it. Allison, Allison, you ate all the jello cups. Look at those cat pitchers back there. Yeah, she's creepy. Like a stupid bat. Is that what I want to you, Alphon?

Just the bat? Wow, what a shitty thing. thing to say. I can't believe these shorts he's got on still. Pizza cake. What a wish. Great idea. Ripping off the Seinfeld theme

song. What the fuck was on that base? Here's the bet. You do something you're not going to do and then you take me out. So what is it he's agreeing to do chores? Oh, look at the shower curtain. She's a maniac. Wow, yeah. And if he doesn't do his chores, he has to take her out on a date.

Whoa, look at the Daisy Dukes on Grant Show. Hot as fuck. Higher. Those should be higher. First time Billy's ever done his own laundry at all. Like, he's just been wearing dirt clothes. What's this t-shirt? I have no idea, dude.

It's what he says to Allison every week. Trust me. Oh, yeah. Oh, dude. No. Just a couple of guys doing laundry. No, it's a bra. You don't go with it here, don't you, boobie?

Definitely not my weiner. what are we the BTK killer well it's Jake dude oh right the riverboat strangler now you see Billy you keep these as souvenirs when after you kill them I mean meet them I mean this is a pro dude yeah I think we could all see where this is going

yep yeah he's putting it on he's putting it on he's gonna do it oh no grand show's loving it too oh boy I like that they're pretending to be friends. Like, these people don't like each other at all. Yeah, I mean, I guess they both hate Michael Moore. Oh, I'd recognize that ratty bathrobe anywhere. Is that the redid stumpy parrots?

What's going on here? Yeah. Oh, dude, you're fucked. Oh, my God, Allison's feet. Yeah, right in front of Jake, too, who she definitely wants to bang, and Billy, who she's probably going to bang. She already banged Jake, right? Yeah.

Well, no. well yeah remains to be seen if that was actually true oh great i betrayed alison's trust for the 40th time oh here we go now i get a free one marcia cross have we seen him actually doctor before this is excited no there was the one episode where he was in the break room and they were all like eating chili or some shit his energy is definitely up because he's away from his wife yeah like a cocaine energy though. I don't think it's a wife having a kid energy. No, it's away from his wife energy

because he hates her. Right. I'm tow tagged either way. Oh, that's Dr. Humid. Stop talking about bulls. Is that Tobias Fruenke? He'll have to take Jake's shorts from the last scene. Oh, man, my boss is a never nude.

That means I'm never going to see his dick. Oh, dog. I don't think it should be this quiet and a crowd full of potential doctors, by the way, to get an answer. Oh. Did he say sub-Araq? The tiny spider is what it is. Right below your spider sack.

No, your wife is pregnant, dude. That's another thing. What's an ultrasound, Dr. Mansini? I love how no one in the early 90s do how to say videotape. It's always a videotape. Go to the videotape. So he asked for time off so he can. could go to the ultrasound and this guy told him to go fuck

himself? Yes, yes. Excellent. Oh, Dr. Kimberly Shaw, you're already fucking sewing issues. Ah. He looks like he's in Doug too. Yeah, I mean, like, just

I mean, I guess it's right of a good. What's, great, great shows is, um, who's, who's the guy, who's like the green guy with the leather jacket? Green guy? And Doug. Oh, Roger Klotz. Yes.

There you go. I was going to say Skeeter, but that was wrong. That was the noise that Skeeter made. Just like the whole movies. Just like the baby footage. Come on, Jane. So much baby footage. More baby footage.

I like it's like it's like it's Matt's job to be your husband for the day. It's just like, all right, I'll pick up the slack, Mike. Hey, Mike, you're going to do anything at the halfway house tomorrow? Not so much. I'm doing your job today, so. Jane, I'm too busy doing all this mel practice, okay? I love that they've got a fucking recorder right in this whole setup. It's pretty sweet.

What the Mancini tells him it's going to be fascinating. It's like the most basic fucking functioning human life. He's like, no, no, no, you don't know what's going on. Well, you're going to be excited to see your baby. Jane, your ultrasound footage is just the ring video. I've never seen anything like. All right, Michael, what you missed was a little girl coming out of a well. We have seven days to live.

What else do you want to know, Michael? There was like an old fat guy in a window. I don't know. A centipede of some sort going up a thing. I don't know. A ladder. There's also some weird ladder. In the corner, was there a lighthouse?

A bunch of dead horses. one second after this Stan Brackish movie's over I'm like a Matt's shirt right here the pleaded shorts not so much yeah I read ahead and yeah that's not a good look yep what uh oh two two bad looks I don't know

pleaded shorts are going to come back dude yeah ooh here we go well actually I deserve to hear this I'm her neighbor I love how they were like Oh, are you friends or something? And he's like, what more like neighbors? Uh-oh.

Here we go. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah, this is one of those times you want your husband there, probably, to be there. Yeah. He's too busy flirting with that wretched,

Kimberly Shaw. Wait, did you get it on videotape of the doctor telling you your baby died? We could watch it at home. It'll be just the same thing. I'll be just as devastated at home. Allison, open up. I want to drink off to more your clothes. Are you fucking kidding me?

Allent, if I cannot sneak into your bedroom whenever I want. Dude, how do you have any right to tell someone? whether or not they can lock their door no matter what because he's a fucking maniac oh man not fixing it finally it only took 11 episodes i'm living with a prude by the way my stupid roommate won't even let me wear a bra am i the asshole i got yeah okay i'm the bag guy let me jump on my cross for fucking using your clothes to humiliate you in front of the crush you have. And they're fucking made-to-be together, dude.

They're both wearing Daisy Dukes. Jake had them on earlier. Those are pretty hot, I have to say. No, all because of the last 20 weeks of this show. Because of stealing my car, fucking lying to your parents about me. Lots of stuff. stealing money from me. It's an awful tie.

Poor fucking, as always, poor fucking bat. You know what I mean? Like, hey, you want to do this favor for me? Oh, no, you're going to be involved in this whole fucking family drama, dude. Dude, he should just pick up a ringing phone and be like, oh, the halfway house found me. I gotta go. right away right come on that means i'd have to sleep with my wife and not dr kimberley shaw bug i mean she's a redhead come on buddy so michael um you want to get some pizza hi i'm mad uh cheese uh here we go

look at the trash stash on this fucking attendant yeah you can't be working at a hospital get out of here get he maybe he's just like a fugitive hiding out a pizzeria mascot got loose no before telling her to shush maybe say something like it's not your fault it's gonna be okay sorry for did you shut you fuck your mouth the good god they gave it to me in a jar we could play with it at home. 100% he thinks it's her fault. I would bet money on this. Oh yeah,

it's that strong Italian energy. And now Matt's aware so everybody knows. Yep, we're just fucking, we're knocking on doors. Hey, everybody, get out here. The hive.

The hive comes together. It's nobody's fucking business. Like, you want to tell one person that's fine. Oh, were you all talking about our miscarriage? I couldn't tell. You can leave me the fuck alone

for the evening. How about that? Billy's fucking picnic table shirt here. Well, he's dressed like the red Power Ranger. Like, you know what he definitely is. Sandy not wearing a shirt. She's just wearing a bra.

Ooh, I like this red leather chair. Oh, that is not too shabby, huh? I bet it's pretty comfy. Can everyone not come over? I know, like, really. It is not a party, guys. It's a miscarriage. I hate to bring it to you. All right, who wants to help me carry this crib down to the curb? There's a knock on the door. Oh, that's my sister. She just wanted to say hello. Let's start by dismantling this crib.

Do we need to talk? Like, let, it's been 30 minutes. Hmm. Bugog. Wow. Oh, Jesus. Oh, is this mirror like a serial killer? That's a Henry portrait of serial. That's like the poster for Henry Portrait of a serial killer.

He's totally in the sink, dude. Is this what turns him evil out of curiosity? Because he does turn full on evil at some point. Yeah, I don't think it's right here, though. But you're seeing it. I think the cocaine energy is meant to, like, soothe you into him becoming evil. It's when he really gets involved in Kimberly.

There's like a beach house involved. Ooh, I like that. You know, anyone could become evil at any time. That's true. What the hell is this? All right, Jane. So when are we going to make another baby? A tic-a-tac.

Yeah, you guys are having sex in there, or what? I heard you guys had a miscarriage. You got to fix that baby problem. Hey, are you in there? I heard you had Allison's blender. I needed to steal it. say Mike I know that

I have it can I have it so I can burn it in front of her oh boy yep but like a like a hobbit or what are we talking about he's not even listening no he's not even listening no he's asleep what do it Kimberly's doing hey Jane what did you dye your hair red could you pick up a doctor

hey Jane is your middle name Kimberly by any chance ah hey new rule billy uh we're locking our doors and we're wearing shirts in the fucking common areas oh yeah alison if i have to wear a shirt that you gotta put socks on alice that's not how you use a desk i'll be honest i prefer the stanley koalski vibe over the dug vibe yeah yeah Dude, dude, of course, he's just like, oh, miscarriage, I could use this for my advantage. Yep, we're all sad right now.

You know, we all made mistakes. You know, we all made mistakes. They tried to have a baby. That was a mistake. That's like coming into work on 9-12 and being like, look, the whole me embezzling funds thing seems pretty insignificant compared to yesterday, right guys? We're all grieving in different ways.

Today, the SEC was coming after me for inside trading, but tomorrow, we're all just one human race. Every guy who got caught cheating on 9-10 was like pretty happy with what happened. Oh, dude, definitely. It got buried under quite a lot. Listen, it's a different America now, baby. Yes, I cheated on you in last America. Look, Sheila, it was just a little thing. Look what happened to the country.

And it's not even like, I don't know, like he's just like me, like me. It's like no, she's already. Oh, here we go. Oh, geez. Oh, shit. Not good. Yeah. I love that it's also scratched up.

Junky 8mm footage. I had a baby in 1960. Jonas Meekis filmed me having a baby. They showed it an anthology. You know what? Find me another podcast that references Jonas Meek is an anthology film archives talking about Melrose Place.

See you, babe, going to Kimberleys. Yeah, we got a work stuff to talk about. We'll go. Oh, if you don't. got a nightmairs. Oh yeah, there it is. Speaking of nightmares, do that fucking rabbit or whatever? Oh, God. I mean, you do need to get that out. To be fair, you do need to get that out asap. Yep, absolutely. No doubt about it. This is the right move, Michael.

Look at this outfit of his with the sneakers. He looks like Jerry Seinfeld doing a set. Oh, man, I would like to have Jerry come by this fucking place. So would he, remember when he was a fan? Oh, yes. Oh, toast. Banana. There were two red chairs the whole time. I'm making toast. You want some?

Man, they got a picture of two little cherub angels. that's disgusting. Yeah, that has to be done away with. It's bothered me every. And this is a, look, there's a cherub other thing on the other side. It's like a motif. You are asking for this house

to be haunted with that shit in it. Yep. No, you weren't there when I had the miscarriage. So why would you be here to take care of me? Don't worry about it. It's okay. We all, we all need to change now jane i change your name to kimberly um legally i went to the the place today

yeah he's so relieved not to be having this kid he didn't want it at all he did not this is the room where they were eating the chili i i got to go jane i got to go get that vasectomy i mean nothing Oops, I tripped it ahead of vasectomy. I fell in a fence. Some kid was biking down the road and hit me, and I fell on a fence and it vasectad me. It can happen to you anytime, Jane.

Walking down the street, anytime you could have a vasectomy. Just like that. I love his Clark Kent glasses. What? Yeah. Hmm This isn't a river in Egypt, okay?

Mm-hmm. I love how there's a pay phone in the doctor's break room, like, oh, if you need to make a call, you're fucking paying for it. What is this? Look at this outfit. No one gives this shit. No one cares that you were the class clown. Oh, what the flying fuck is this outfit? It's a power jacket right there. Is he a paper boy on Mars?

Oh, whatever, dude. Jesus. Is that a license plate on their wall? Not a single person in this apartment is great. I like this lamp. That is a license plate. What is it? Applebees.

Well, like these a watermelon plant fruit. What the fuck? decapitated. No. Absolutely not. No fucking way. No fucking way. Nope. Do not. Do not start. This is awful. We got a dog and we got dog food for you. You can't just. They're grieving. You can't just dump a dog on their laps. Oh shit, Mr. Kay. No Roe would not allow it.

all right you may have the dog but you must sacrifice another dog to malify in the poor drown it a dog for a dog look i know you guys are grieving so here's a ton of responsibility i hope you enjoy it it's in this is insane he didn't even ask for a dog also the dog uh bonded to us first rather than you dogs are not gifts any animal is not a gift i cannot commercial break We're back. Man, you know, it's been so many weeks since they've had an episode that I've gotten into this groove of like, oh, it's not their show. Yeah. Oh, man.

Oh, good. Good. Good Turner and Hoot's shot. This is a Turner Hootch score, by the way. It is. Yeah, this guitar. I don't know. I cannot believe these fucking people had a dog foisted upon them. Oh, look right now.

Oh, he's going to pee on it. He's fucking Jack the Ripper case. Oh, yes. Oh, it's my wife murdering case. He peed on it. But, dog. Hi, how's the massive inconvenience we gave you last night? So are you buying all the food for this?

No, no, we're not going to buy all the food for the dog. You're going to buy it. It was just a one-time gift. Hello. Dumbasses. Oh, please go take a shit in the pool. Oh, now he's dead in traffic. Oh, geez.

Dude, this is reprehensible. What are you talking about Billy? All right. That's it. Billy needs to be burned at the stake. This is getting on to, he's going in just to piss her off. off now. All right, Billy, I'll help you break in, but I'm not strangling anyone.

Got enough heat on me. Now he's dressed like the Blue Ranger. No, he needs that dude's nerd glasses. That's true. I mean, this is crazy. This is, this is him being kicked out of her apartment. That's it. Yep. Oh, this is disgusting. This is disgusting. Leave it. Listen, people are taking up space either cure him or kill him. Look, I don't even know what a miscarriage is, but get over it. I mean, he should not be at work. Listen, I don't know what a miscarriage is.

I'm not a doctor. I mean, yes, I am. Not a baby doctor. like yeah you should have taken the day off this is madness listen i don't know what's going on with you some kind of personal crisis that i can't be bothered with oh my books fell out of my locker he messed up because he was too focused on like cleaning the pool and shit back at melrose

exactly yep like let's address the two jobs situation first i'd like to see an episode with mr k let's see the man behind the mask oh yeah yeah you don't make mad, dude. Now she's going to burn your house down. Yeah. Every time. Okay, this is more of a saved by the bell outfit rather than Doug. I appreciate it. It's a step up.

Time out. What is this? parents in your fucking early 20s unbelievable. Must be nice. Trent's coat vest she's got on. I like how Matt who's like come out and probably lost half of

his family for that. It's like, oh, it must be a real drag. Must be a tough road for you, Jane. I love how Matt is just like a feelings receptacle for everyone. Like you never has story. It's just like, we'll bounce it off Matt. Yeah. Let's see what Matt thinks. How many times you're to lose this dog, guys?

It's insane. Where could it have gone? Oh, this fake music, yeah. What is he trying to do? now? Like what shit did he steal from her? No, this is stuff that she borrowed that he took back. Okay. But even

still, it's a threat. Yeah. Yeah. Do not throw Jake in on this. You got to move out now. Yeah, absolutely. You're done. You're done. This is your 15th chance. Yes. Oh, God.

An audio cassette is not the same thing as underwear. At what point am I supposed to like Billy? I'm just really curious. I think you're supposed to identify with him because most guys are shit. Oh, man, just pornography out in the open. I do like that he's a fan of, like, the cheapest pornography. It's playpen. It's not Playboy or Penhouse.

Hmm. Yeah. Oh, come away, horrible. Oh. Why don't you ask, what are your girls? That really hurt, Alethon. That really hurt. I mean, also, I don't know, don't come down on him for looking at pornography.

Okay, magazine, people, I have to talk to you again. I go out there like, Gumby. Come on, pokey. I'm on the beach again. Alfa, you're a real blockhead. Allison would be goo. Oh, hey, Billy. I never understood this practice.

I mean, like, they don't even build refrigerators with any. this anymore. When they have the eggs lined up where you put them in there, that's a waste of my time. Well, like an egg holder? Yeah. My new fridge came with one. I threw it away. Jesus. Oh.

Well, that was the baby. Oh, you mean the dog. And then you start dressing like an indigo girl. you get this Wilson Phillips haircut you don't consult me she definitely does look like is it I forget I can't hold off for just one more day

I can't do it well done Kevin There you go. It's this Sicilian thing, Michael. They should not be together. Absolutely not. So he firmly believes that she willed the baby to die. She gave it the Cavorca or whatever.

This weird Italian nonsense is. put one of your sorceress spells on it commercial break look at this vending machine it's gorgeous don't make them like they used to can you get some cools out of there too yeah like the fans all italians could do that i hope you guys know it's a skill we possess say what and I was vigorously angrily masturbating the whole time absolutely

what is the soda she's drinking I guess something with like a label on it I think there is a piece of paper wrapped around that from the prop department so you can't tell what soda that that's definitely paper the actual soda is cocaine cola But don't worry

But don't worry I did equally give it to my wife later So it's all good Yo, you got it easy I screamed at my wife And you know what It made me feel so much better I'll blow off steam

We know what that means Is he just getting free drinks out of that thing he's got a crazy look he's got a quarter on a string Andrew oh are you just holding the can uh oh not good you know i would lose the baby michael just casual flirting Listen, Allison, I sold your social security number because I needed the money. Not a big deal. Do you know how much you two tickets are?

You two tickets. Look, Allison, last week when I told you your parents were dead, I had a reason. Kick this dude out of your fucking apartment. What are you talking about? what uh-oh the danger zone is that what he just said by the way

forbidden zone oh I look how she always has to apologize to him at the end of these episodes it's fucking crazy not as crazy as that terrible shirt he's going on right here yeah I can't those arecidio hall's couch

he does look i will do all the chores in the house if you take down this stupid advertising kill poster i swear to god i would do it all dude this advertising kills poster gets more lines than matt it's like crazy Pretty shitty. What does this have to do with trying on her bra?

Great question. You'll get to it. Ignorance and mediocrity are on that poster behind her. It's pretty perfect. I thought it was a poster of Billy. I mean, she doesn't need this super secret origin story as to why she would not want her male roommate going through her shit and trying on her bra in front of her her sweetmates or whatever the fuck you want to call them. Yeah. We don't need this like, oh, that's why.

Oh, okay, breast cancer. That's why I can't go fiddling in your underwear, George. Got it. Exactly. I guess I'd finally learn a lesson. Yeah, you know what? All we could have done with was a please stop going through memory. Yeah, that's fine.

That's really all he should have needed. Wow, I guess I finally learned a lesson. Apology accepted, Allison. I mean any kind of drama on TV like worst case narrow every time always pull the cancer card just throw it in there it will do your

fucking narrative fine all right Allison well someone had a near death experience though I guess you're clear this week Anyone who identifies as a class clown in their fucking mid-20s should be shot. Yep. Yeah.

Like that designation, if you are ever assigned it, should leave your mind once you reach the age of 19. He just laughed as if he figured out that woman is a word. Yep. Room for rent. Are they getting rid of Billy, right? now Matt and Ronda are tasked with finding this fucking dog let me staple it right over this fucking city ordinance sign they're going to rip that shit down what do you do

move on to another post you're just embarrassing yourself many sharks on beach eating many children just put this up what Hmm, they just stable that sign to a garbage can? Well, you hear a dog. Look at this idiot. Business casual on the beach, not good.

no i brought four people from the apartment complex to help me oh rescued by my sexy friend yes very probably oh man he is awful What a terrible segue right here. Did he just walk all the way into the ocean? Look at his pants. Janie, we're going to have to drag the sea to find that dog. Whose boat are they just sitting on?

They found semen interdains. and then you put that spell on our baby jane and i can never forgive you you know what i saw the eye of new in our refrigerator i just looked past it i just ignored it i thought you were trying a new recipe bugong the catholic church says every time you think about abortion for babies die okay that's what they say and they got scientists on this jane and when you say the word all my wrong that's another eight dead uh huh he's getting there man a baby. It must have been a tough year for the Emmys to ignore

this performance. The dog was that way. Name the dog after your dead husband. Just leave the dog with this lady, please. In my living will, I allow, I say that my wife cannot name any cats after me. That's not too fucking weird. That's smart.

It's good because it stops from banishing your soul into that animal. Exactly. That's the link. Oh, don't worry. She doesn't need that dog. She's got probably another thousand birds where that other one came from. Wow, I could smell a house from here, Jane. Smells like bird shit.

Dude, there's a lot of birds. Look at the lady in the background right now. She's, like, talking to those sticks? I know. You're sentencing this dog to death. Fun fact about the birds. Each one is named after a Simpson's character, and we have the whole cast here.

She's huffing that spray paint. You're not going to spray paint a stick. Come on, lady. Oh, that's lovely. I've already made a leash out of my feces. You know, if I sacrifice a dog named after my husband, my husband might come back to life. it's been so long since I've taxidermied a dog

dog is like please help me no call the police yes this thunder shirt is made from my husband's skin I made it leathery so it wraps around the dog no no that's fine we'll never see you again I've smelled you for a lifetime lady I'm good now it's time to teach you how to hunt humans

horror scope jokes oh don't lie to each other like that I love you there it is that's a rough one yes I mean they had to get you you knew they were

They weren't going to keep the baby for sure. Right. So now we're in credits. We're going to hit stop on our files here. And, you know, as we often do, as we always do on this quarantine side show, we'll do some parting shots. And like I said, we can just open it up a little bit. They were obviously going to get rid of that kid some way, shape, or form no matter what. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's just that's your drama. That's, I mean, you're clearly looking to, you know, drive a wedge between these two people. There's also clearly a beast coming from within Mike Mancini. It has to be let out somehow. Yes. And a baby won't help that. I just wish it was handled better.

Like if you're going to develop a baby, well, develop a baby, you're going to start doing a baby storyline and you want to get out of it. And I just feel, I don't know, it should have been handled better. We should have had more time with Jane in earlier episodes, perhaps. Yeah, I mean, because we really have spent, I don't know, last like month or more not really having a substantial storyline from them yeah it's like after five six episodes of billy being inconsiderate i get it yes exactly like and at some point he's got to learn that lesson or else like i just don't understand why anyone gives him any fucking

carriage whatsoever i don't think he's going to learn his i think they're just going to fuck and that's going to be how they they deal with it it's like the most annoying sam and diane of all time because at least like Sam and Diane would just have like fun jokes like he just systematically fucks her over week after week and then she's like Billy you're a sexist pig and then he's like well Allison you got a better fuck a deal on that and apologize to me right exactly I mean like I don't remember what the exact number is oh wait I have it right here there are there are like over 30 episodes in this first season and it's like I don't know what kind of a season order that is for like 90s television or whatever

like you could have had this be at the traditional american like 24 and you really could have saved a lot of this just like back and forth especially with billy and alison but also with this michael and jane shit well because also it's not even will they won't they it's just he's being an asshole like and they learn like a little bit about each other as it goes on but maybe like they could learn from each other like billy's dating a new girl and alison gets jealous or something i mean i know we've done that storyline anyway but like that would be at least a little something they No, they really like the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the him sneaking out of responsibility narrative. It's constant, like, uh, I did, Alethon, Alethin, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what is me just sniffing your panties a little bit. Come on, come on. Come on. Yeah, he's awful. He is terrible. Yeah, I mean, it's the only two stories we've got, I, I mean, uh, Sandy and Rhonda just hang, hanging out. Oh, yeah. No, you got to love, you got to love the hang. And then. And And Matt as our, like, information vector here, you know, whatever we want to call it.

Just like the bitch board, right? Like, everybody goes to Matt to fucking bitch about something. Exactly. Because he's just like this guy, the sin eater that allows people to put their shit into him and never gives anything back. I'm just waiting for an episode where, like, he goes on a date. And it is with a guy. And, like, it's a hug. And that's the big fucking show of intimacy.

Yep. Oh, my God, two men hugged on television. Do you remember the day? Where was I when two men hugged? They didn't hug on Hill Street Blues, I'll tell you that much. You know, he didn't see a single fucking hug is the commish. Well, okay, I guess Dennis Frudge did hug. Jimmy Smith during those last episodes, I guess that's true.

I guess a man could cry and hug a little bit. I'm sorry. They would have hug the commish, but you couldn't get his arms around him. Yeah, I guess that was probably just about do it here, right, unless anybody's got some other stuff. So we'll just go around, round the hornish, as we often do with any parting shots and or are you still excited to continue with Melris Place? Who we're starting with. Oh, yeah, that's a great question. Eric. Oh, okay.

Well, I'm very excited to see where this goes next. Hopefully we get something that's not Billy being inconsiderate. We explore this world a little more. hopefully not in the way we did in last week's episode. But I am interested in seeing what happens next and obviously hanging out with the kids on Beverly Hills 902 and O. But for this episode specifically, I don't have much to say, folks.

You watched it with us, hopefully. And okay, one life is gone out. The baby is gone. And then a new light is brought into the world with a dog and now that light is also gone out. Yeah, that old lady definitely extinguished that dog's life. Exactly. So that's it for me. Chris Cabin?

I mean, I am really, I know what happens next. All these characters get shiny and chrome to, you know, borrow some Furry Road, Fury Road, not Furry Road, Jesus Christ. Oh, dude, that's a remake I'd like to watch. Bad remake. Yep, absolutely, dude. That's like, I want these people to go crazy. That's what I've been waiting for this whole time.

This tame shit's got to stop. Witness me, Allison. Yes. Burn down houses, you know, take. take out, you know, higher assassins to kill each other. That's the stuff I'm looking for. Jake wants to be welcomed in Valhalla for sure. Oh, yeah, for sure. No doubt about it. Andrew? Uh, yeah, this episode was fucking trash, man. This is a real fucking D plus thing. I don't care about Michael and Jane in the slightest. And at least you can say like, all right, now this

pregnancy that we knew was not going to come to term is is off the show. We don't have to worry about that because stuff does getting does and because stuff does start getting like shitty with them. Yeah. Kind of close to around here. But the bummer is we do not see Dr. Kimberly Shaw again

until episode 18. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's a little bit of a wait. But she comes back on episode 18, a Melrose Place Christmas. Oh. Yeah. And at that point, we

also met Defny Zuniga who played Joe for the rest of the show so she's on it around here but I will say next week just I'll have to give a little tease about Melrose Place next week episode 12 Polluted Affairs

Steve we were trying to remember this last week we are already at the start of the Keith saga Keith and Allison that's good because that at least shakes things up and gives Allison something to do other than worry about Billy, although Billy fucking makes his ugly face

quite in her business during the Keith Saga's. Oh, he gets involved. Oh, he gets involved. I'm excited. Yeah, that was this week's Melro. Yeah, I agree with everybody. This was kind of a a dud episode. I mean, like, you know, seeing miscarriages on TV is at least

sort of something in terms of like a live experience. It's a little less well represented in television, so sure we'll do that. But, you know, it's a bit too steamy for my tastes and a little easy to get in and out of but you know all told we got rid of the baby we needed to get rid of the baby we're moving on with our sexy fun adventures next week when we meet up with you guys on beverly hills 902 we know we got a lot of great stuff on patreon we will be

having a cat cemetery coming out this month in j in june not january i have no idea what time it is we got an episode on no country for old men coming your way uh pretty i think probably next week. We've got just so much shit coming up. And Eric, because you told me this today, do you want to let everybody know what the Gleap glossary is going to be this month? Salacious Crumb. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

Yeah, I love that little guy. Yeah, that little sex slave. I don't know anything about his hair routine, but he looks like a pert man. Yeah, he's using perk. So yeah, check that all out on patreon.com. We'll be back on Patreon.com slash we hate movies. We'll be back next week with a ton more content.

to keep you distracted, ideally, in these troubled times. So until next week, I have been, Stephen Sadek. Andrew Jupin. Alex Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy and remain indoors. That was a HeadGum podcast. Thank you.